Seeking Derangements - SD 393 - Rosie O'DONE-ll

Episode Date: March 23, 2025

It's Seeking Sunday!!! Welcome y'all, Ben here. Today, Jacques, Hesse and I discuss the mass exedous of famous lesbians from the US, Meghan Markle's relatability woe's, and Quakers. Plus Jacques teaches us about Genghis Kong. Find bonus episodes on Patreon.com/SeekingDerangements

My mommy asked me to be out of the house because she's having dinner. She doesn't want me here. Get the fuck out. So I don't want to be recording. If my friends knew I had a fag son, could you imagine? PDA.

It's actually because I take all the attention. I steal all the attention. And she's like, I don't want to talk about you. You shouldn't be here. Honestly, I would feel the same way, Diva, if I was you. So I will be gone. You're taking all the attention by being like walking into the rooms crying.

No, literally being like, I'm happy Trump won. I'm going to kill myself. No, it's all like her liberal Unitarian friends who I have argued with before, believe me. I don't anymore, but they are. They're just like libbed the hell out. And, you know, I can't keep myself back from trolling. First generation immigrant with a Latino father who lives in New York City.

I actually think it's fine that transgender rights have been stripped from Iowa. It's not that big of a deal. No, I'm kidding. I don't say that. It is so fucked up here. I know. They got the new special laws. Yeah, they literally stripped transgender people of civil rights

on the basis of being transgender. They're still like you know, but it's insane. It's really insane. Didn't they just give them to transgender people? Yes. Like 10 years ago. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh but yes, that's really fucked up. Growing up here, it was like a reliably

blue state. Voted for Obama twice. And it has a history of state. Voted for Obama twice. And it has a history of progressivism, like farmer's unions. It was one of the first states in the country to do gay marriage and interracial marriage. But post-Trump, it's just become psychotic. Super, super right-wing. That's the same with upstate New York.

Upstate New York was, in history, it was one of the biggest most liberal like it was called the burned over district I can't remember why but yeah sounds like a sounds like an up and coming gay neighborhood yeah it was where all the socialists and all the feminists

like and all the abolitionists would like all hang out and the Quakers the weirdly Quakers were there too same thing in iowa there's a lot of quakers in iowa yeah which is baller dude yeah that's where the like history of like social progressivism comes from in iowa's like quakers quakers are so fucking cool i love them so cool i love quakers have you ever been to a quaker Mass? No. It's like, I have actually. Oh, amazing.

Oh, Ellen's here. We're recording, Jock. Hello. Welcome to WorkDiva. Yes! Welcome to Seeking Derangements. I'm just welcoming you to your job. Stop saying it so disrespectfully. I was here as quickly as I could

that was so kind welcome to work beautiful your head looks extra shiny today you look like a little evil cunt today this is a free episode so if you'd like to hear more seeking derangements go to patreon.com I wouldn't

bonus episodes but yes Nohasa I have never been to a Quaker Mass. I love Quakers. I'm really sick. Are you kidding me? You cannot trust them. Do you know what the Masses are? They're so...

They're so... Yeah. The Masses, they're basically like town hall meetings where everyone sits down. There's no priest. There's no... Everyone's sitting in their benches, and it's like dead silence.

It's like total silence. No one talks. And there can be full masses where no one talks and it's just quiet meditation. But the point is that whenever you feel, whenever you feel God speaking through you, you're allowed to stand up and say whatever you want. I'd be abusing the hell out of that. Yes, yes.

I'd be abusing a captive audience. Yes. You could tell. God is can through me like you could tell that there were people that uh that like um definitely were the ones like who talk every day every day wait we should do that right now that'd be an amazing exercise in really good audio programming. Cause we're all quiet until we hear the presence of God. Three, two, one. No, I'm not going to feel the presence of God on this podcast. I'll tell you that.

Why? I'm feeling it. Oh, I feel it. I don't know. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Oh, I feel it. It's filling me up.

Oh, gross. Doing that in 1870 Wisconsin. Can someone make this Ellen in a Beetlejuice costume? Shut the fuck up. This is a Juventus jersey. You're so mean off the bat. What's wrong with you today? This is a 1990s Juventus jersey

from when the Sony mini disc was their sponsor. John, you've never felt the presence of God in your life? Of course I felt the presence of God. Not around you two ding-dongs. I'm not like, oh, praise him. I have said, I have prayed for you two, though. You almost just said,

she's a girl, Jock. She's a girl. Don't say praise him. That's really rude. I said praise him. Shut up. I would never praise that bitch. You've praised me before. Yeah, I'll praise Hessa. You praised me when you first came on by saying look ellen's here which i call what i consider ellen up to ellen left the country no that was rosie no ellen also left the country but lesbians are fully oh my god yeah we have no more powerful lesbians left in this country. Thank God. MAGA.

Thank you, Trump. How is Rosie going to make America gay again? Exactly. That's going to be a real problem for Europe, I'm going to tell you right now. The influx of that many Hollywood lesbians. LGBT. Or no, GBT.

Gay, bisexual, transgender. Get the L's out. Yeah. They're called l's for a reason because they're fucking they're taking l's they're taking l's taking l's in ireland wait rosie o'donnell let me find let me find exactly what happened i should believe she moved to ireland um with her non-binary child who's i think i think is literally named like Wrench. I'm not kidding. Let me look up where Ellen moved. Honest to God, I think Ellen may have moved to England.

She did. She wanted a country it wasn't hard for her to speak in. Rosie is in Ireland, I remember. Let's figure it out, though. Rosie O'Donnell has officially left the United States after hinting about her relocation last week on a TikTok video.

Should we watch the TikTok video? Yes, let's find it. I think it's funny that Ellen moved to England. They're being too nice to trans people. That's why I have to move out of America. They're being way too nice to them. Gavin That's why I have to move out of America. They're being way too nice to them.

Gavin Newsom isn't being cruel enough to trans people in California. I feel so bad for Portia. I know. Who's Portia? Portia de Rossi, bitch. Ellen's wife. Portia de Rossi. Ellen's Ellen's wife. Portia de Rossi. Ellen's beautiful wife.

I got so excited. We were just generous. I thought we were going to be talking about Portia from Real Housewives of Atlanta, and I got so excited. But I'll go back to the level of attention I was giving. What does that mean? None. Thank you. Welcome to work, Eva.

Welcome to work. Okay, if you guys had to guess what Rosie O'Donnell's non-binary child is named, what would you go for? Decimal. Okay, wait. That's a really good name. Decimal O'Donnell. Dewey Decimal O'Donnell. Dewey Decimal O'Donnell.

What is I'm ever going to get with a non-binary name? Oh, actually, let's go back to math. Fraction. My guess, fraction. You get down the stairs right now and eat your Irish kibbles and bits. Burpo. Burpo.

It's like Burpo, Donald. I'm trying to find. In Dublin, the Smilf alum has found everyone to be friendly and has also met a bunch of people in the two months since moving across the globe wait can I just say Smilf sounds like the lesbian version of Sniffies would be called yeah I what is

Smilf Smilf alum some motherfucker I'd like to probably an acronym for a TV show smile O'Donnell even doing before the view i thought she was just a stand-up comedian she used to be skinny um uh i think she used to be skinny i think never have you ever did you talk you're the expert yeah okay first of all rosie rosie

o'donnell is a comedian that became a talk show host at the height of the Ellen phenomena of lesbian talk show host before like almost at the exact same time or if not right before and everyone looks like she's angrily screaming in every single pic oh my god her Wikipedia picture is so cool it is like

it looks like she's baring her teeth like a dog that's been abused that you're reaching to pet. Yes, literally. Time has not been great to her. She didn't opt out for any kind of age-defying beauty techniques. Oh my god. She began her comedy

career as a teenager and received her breakthrough on the television series Star Search in 1984. Whoa, she was on Star Search? What the hell? Yeah, that's crazy what's crazy for her yeah born and raised in comic new york let me look i bet that's a random upstate yeah no it's uh that's long island of course she's from long island oh wait i thought should we watch her star search video let's see how it holds up wait her character's name in uh oh she had a famous character that she would do a comedy character named rosanne rosanna dana love which is an amazing name

let's see if we can watch her star search video let me know if you guys can hear this yes yes yes yes okay one second let's see how she does let's see if we can watch her star search video let me know if you guys can hear this yes yes yes yes one second let's see how she does let's see how she does with the addition of one of our star search family members she was a terrific this is gonna be so good he is rosie o'donnell. So yeah, we can say she's always been fat. No, she's husky there. I am a professional at objectifying women's bodies. That is a fat body.

Alright, we heard it from Jock. I, as a fat person, can identify other fats. Wait, let's hear it. Maybe she is skinny. Maybe it's just the elbow pads. Neat pads. Shoulder pads. She's not wearing shoulder pads for the listeners.

Oh, these are all going to be 1984 topical jokes. Oh, yeah. I probably could help my career doing Star Search after I did the show I was up for a part in a movie. I said you can have the part can you drop the New York accent? I said sure. Okay. That's pretty good. But the only way I can drop

the New York accent is if I open my eyes really wide and actually think about everything I'm saying. The only problem is I can't act this way. The only thing I could be

is a contestant in the Miss America pageant. Okay, period. Okay, fuck other women. Fuck hot bitches. I want to know if she's talking about the movie Exit to Eden.

Because this is like kind of close to when that came out. Yeah. Perhaps, maybe. If she was up for a role in a movie when she was on star search that's pretty she was already doing this the thing you know yeah she's probably issue i think she's oh no it's a follow-up show so this was after she was discovered from star search i see i so this is her coming back as like we have a famous alum here that we discovered i love how much trump hates her. They've just been

going at each other like feral dogs for like 40 years. It's so funny. It's amazing. I want to have a lifelong beef like that. I guess a dog, but we actually love each other. I can name one, but I won't name the person. I just wanted to say really quickly. I'm reading about how

she first... Also, none of those guys know who I am, Hessa. I'm just randomly attacking them oh they know they know Ben I don't think so I think one of them that I can think of there was one time on a boat where I did lock eyes with a yes you know

that's what I'm thinking of former beef yeah but whatever what can we do oh I think Jock is protesting because we didn't let him jock it's okay it's okay babe you can it's called a conversation keep going keep going you're interrupting it more i'm literally i've said done nothing just keep going oh you've ripped your headphones off through your mic down um but yeah no i mean i i think all of the high profile beasts i've had none of them have really recognized me. JVN has not recognized me.

But I will be seeing JVN's live show soon. So keep your eyes peeled for that, listener. I can't. I need to. I can't go because I'm going to on vacation with my family. But there's a problem. I lost my ID. So I don't

know how I'm going to get on the plane. Easy. Just, you can allegedly, like, someone besides me has done this. You can get multiple IDs very easily, as certain people out there might lose their IDs very frequently. It's always a good idea to just tell the state

that you've lost it. They'll send you a new one. You can tell them you lost it again. Some of us might have three or four IDs. Yeah. I mean, the thing is't i hope that the temporary like pdf that they send me is uh works and also i hope that they give me an id because um i changed my gender marker so i might need to reapply for an ID. Just like a state ID card? Yeah. I think you should be totally fine. Yeah. I'll do that after the show. Bring qualifying

documents with your name on it. Yeah, I'll bring a card. In Louisiana, all you have to do is say your birthday to get the ID. I'm sure. I also lost my debit card, but the good thing is I found an old debit card that I have with my name

on it. They don't know if it's working. Also, I've gotten to the airport without an ID with prescriptions. Just, oh. That's a good idea. Thank you, Jacques. Jingle the pills and offer at least one. Jingle the pills. There's a good idea. Thank you, Jacques. Jingle the pills and offer at least one.

Jingle the pills. There's a baby at the desk that Jacques is trying to get by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's shaking it. It's so offensive to do that to a baby. I don't know if you guys have ever shaken keys in a baby's face before, but it's so...

It feels almost racist in a way. Well, keys, keys of course because you don't want to give them the keys because keys are something you're not going to give them because if they start chewing on them they're going to cut their little tiny baby they love when you do that it feels very very I was just now that I'm back home I've been hanging out with the two babies in my life and they're two years old now um i haven't taught any bad things to my nephew but to my you can call her my chosen daughter i was hanging out with her the other night with family i'm not going to be teaching that one any bad things but there's other one chosen daughter that's a different story i was teaching her how to say psych. Oh, that's so cute.

She was dropping some perfect psychs on her mommy. It was very, very funny. And the mom was begging me to stop. And I said, I will. Psych! Ben texted me and told me that he taught her how to play a new game called Die. And taught her how to kill. I also taught her how to play Die.

I like a lot how to play die. I like the word die. Explain. She was standing in my lap and she was just like hitting my chin, like underneath my chin, like a little undercut. And every time she would do it, I would just you know, pretend like

I died. And I didn't say die to her. I didn't say die to her. I was doing it. And then she said, die. And I was't say die to her. I didn't say die to her. I was doing it. And then she said die. And I was like, what the hell? That's a good chosen uncle playing along with that. Yeah. You know, that's what uncles are for. Uncles are there to be

where we exist to be there maybe two times a year and to teach you psych, die, kill. Also, is like as close to as certified pedophile and not like us as it could get what the

I think honorary uncle is guaranteed not really well no that's not true dishonorable uncle yeah dishonorable uncle a dishonorable discharge from uncle duties I got discharged from uncle duties. A discharge from uncle duties. I went to family court. If I was at a wedding

and this really creepy weird guy walked up to me and was like, I'm her honorary uncle. I'd be like, someone arrest him immediately. Why say something much worse that I'm sure half the family does not like, in which I say I'm her

chosen father. A lot more impulsive. Which half of the family doesn't like that. Your gal pal being like, yes! Her husband flexing his fist under the table.

Knock my gay ass back to New York City. Also, the other thing, if we're being real, it's so fun to pretend to be dead. It's so fun to pretend to die. I did not. It's so fun to just be like... Yeah.

Especially when you have a baby validating you, being like... Especially when you're doing it in front of a baby who thinks it's hilarious yeah they have to learn about death somehow I mean I hopefully it's not there's not a godfather

type scenario where you were pretending to die and then you actually do die and that would be awkward rest this is a private or public episode this is a private or public episode? This is a public episode. This is a free episode, Diva.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It's fine. It's fine. So my friend Rand, who died, used to do this prank where he would get a wheel, a wheelchair. That's fine. He's dead. It's okay. Okay.

He's a great guy. He was amazing. I love him. He would wheel a wheelchair into this entrance into his neighborhood and he would lean the wheelchair on the ground and have him next to the wheelchair as if he had been hit in the wheelchair and he would cover himself in ketchup and he would wait for cars to pull up and see how they would react and even wait for me to pull up and start licking it off. Isn't that so crazy?

How would you explain death to a baby? How would you explain death to a baby? Life go bye-bye. Wow. No more smiling. No more soul. Kind of condescending. Infinite blackness.

Okay. Wow. Interesting. I just want to confirm I don't believe in nothing after dying you don't believe in death no I believe in death but I don't believe in an afterlife I'm not like

what do you think the afterlife looks like uh probably like a five star sandals resort without employees with no employees why no employees who's employees? Why no employees? Who's going to get you a pina colada?

Or a towel? And no other guests? God gets you a pina colada or a towel if you just think about it. God's the big employee in the sky. God's your servant. God's your slave. The big busboy in the sky. And he's sexy.

This margarita's too salty. What the fuck? I'm not going to get a margarita. He sings that Britney Spears song while he serves it to me. And he has a beautiful voice. I'm a slave for you. Enjoy your margarita, Jacques.

Okay. Interesting. Okay. That's fun. And it's just you up there? family well i mean the family's there but i mean i kind of just wanted to relax a little bit first where where would the sandals resource be i'm meeting up in heaven is my dead ex-boyfriend but but after that i'm you know we're probably you guys are gonna have some crazy sex on that yeah what if if you this might be bad say it say it say it say it i'm already what if you show what if you get to the what if you get to the gates of heaven this would actually be so sweet if you get to the gates of heaven and he's there on the there's a wheelchair with no one in it and he's laying on the ground

covered in ketchup at the entrance well my ex-boyfriend is who's dead is not the person who would disguise himself as a handicapped person covered in ketchup as fake blood. Different people. One was Rand. Different dead people. My ex-boyfriend is Dustin. Just for clarification, rest in peace, beautiful people.

Rest in peace, sweet Dustin. Actually, rest in peace, both of them. Y'all couldn't have handled their beauty and intrigue on this planet. I love how this becomes competitive. Dustin, y'all just... He had a super twangy, country,

gay voice, and he had long hair past his shoulders, and he worked at the Mall of America Gap, and... He seems iconic. He was, uh, seems like an icon. Seems like a King,

uh, um, rip to him. All right. I don't know who's going to be at the gates of heaven when I die. Hopefully that got, hopefully that guy from the boat and we continue our beef. I would love to continue a beef.

And yes, I'm fighting up there. Actually, we're both going to hell, me and that guy. Yeah. We can continue scrapping in hell. Also, that guy's still alive. What guy are you talking about?

We're not going to say. You certainly don't even start guessing. Let's switch it up before it gets personal. Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres, gone. This country is losing some of our greatest lesbians, and it is certainly don't even start guessing let's switch it up before it gets personal um yeah ellen's generous gone this country is losing some of our greatest lesbians and it is it's a tragedy who's next if wanda sykes leaves we're done for we're done we're done um the next lesbian to leave is going to be elliot page kate mckinnon elliot page guessinging Kate. Elliot. Elliot Paige is a trans man. You fucking.

Ridiculous. How dare you. No, wait. Insane. You even said his name right. It just realized. I know. I know.

I meant Cara Deveen. I meant Cara Deveen. They're so easy to mix up. Cara Deveen. They're not easy to mix up at all. They're also not easy to mix up. They're just both like queer. They don't look anything alike

they're just queers Kara Delevingne or however the hell you say her name is just an annoying lesbian Elliot Page is a Vietnamese trans man okay okay I take it back I'm changing my answer one of the craziest free episodes we've ever done

I'm so mad right now. This episode keeps getting me angrier and angrier. The next lesbian to leave will not be Cara Devin. It will not be the Elliot Pace trans man. It will be Sarah Paulson and her ancient 98-year-old grandmother. I could see that. I could see that. She is very histrionic and she would absolutely

just be like, I am moving to Portugal because Donald Trump is trying to assassinate me. You know how it would happen? She would be cast in a play in London and she would be like, I just fell

in love with London and I'm going to stay here. I hate her. I hate her she would be like, I just fell in love with London and I'm going to stay here. Yeah, yeah. I hate her. I hate her and I hate knowing that her and Kate McKinnon are scissoring. Are they really dating each other? Yeah. Oh yeah, they've dated. Kate McKinnon

is a SNL alum, I believe. I don't think she's on it anymore. Just a like, hail bot bitch. Sorry for that. Yeah. Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a difficult time with her. Jack, Kate McKinnon. You might know her from singing.

yes. Rock. What was it? Singing? Imagine as, as Hillary Clinton or what song did she sing when Trump won? One of them. Who knows?

Yes. She is a lesbian. It was a little surprising to me when I found that out maybe five years ago as well. Oh, and Rebel Wilson's a lesbian too, and she's blonde as well. I love Rebel Wilson. I actually love Rebel Wilson. She would never leave us. I just watched this really bad Netflix original movie starring her called Senior Prom.

Senior Year, actually. really bad Netflix original movie starring her called senior prom, uh, senior year actually. And, um, yeah, they were like, we've got to showcase that she lost weight. We've got to, let's get her in a high school movie.

What do you guys think about Megan Markle? Everyone's been trashing her because she launched this new jock. And I talked about it very briefly on our, a public access call in, but it's worth revisiting because she, to me, is such a funny character and such a funny flop in

the kind of girl boss media space. Megan Markle, of course, you know, she's... I was going to say, Megan Markle, FKA, expired Eminem, is a waste of our time. Okay.

Expired Eminem. If she doesn't have anything to do with royalty, then what the fuck does she have to offer us? She's definitely not an actress. Famously, of course, rejected the royal family, and then her and the bald one moved to California. But since they've been kind of struggling to, I think, maintain relevancy and income,

I think she released a memoir, which is like you're 31 and you were just on that like USA original show. She is not 43. She's 43. I just looked it up. She does look amazing. She's gorgeous.

She's gorgeous, but she has a kind of like textureless. Yeah. Kind of just very commercial look to her. And I think that might be part of the problem is that her, she's failed to, um, kind of Instagram skin is the most, she has Instagram skin and she doesn't really relate to anyone because she

just has such a curated, uh, And she doesn't really relate to anyone because she just has such a curated public persona that you can just tell from a mile away is incredibly, incredibly fake. uh competency and uh lowest common denominator uh kind of relatability towards which an upper middle class female market and even those bitches don't really like her that much no one's really on board when you think about it like that's the perfect personality to be involved with the royal family like that's what they that's what they are that's their bread and butter that's their as as controlled and like tight and just you know you can tell she just hates having to do this but you gotta make money so she did this show called it's called like cooking with megan or something completely anodyne and she rented a mansion in Montecito, which she's pretended is her house.

And she does all of these like cooking videos with famous friends, like Mindy Kaling and other people. That's surprising that Mindy has friends. Keep going. Yeah. Body. Got her. But yeah,

no, everyone is just making fun of her for being just completely fake. She's just like all of these stupid, watered-down Martha Stewart home care tips. She did this one thing where she had a gay friend coming to visit who she was like, I know Richard loves peanut butter pretzels. And so she took the peanut butter pretzels out of a labeled bag, poured them

into an unlabeled plastic bag, and tied it up with a fancy dotted, like a polka dotted little tie. No, it was more like boho, like more like you tie no it was more like boho like more like you know um it was like twine oh okay yeah yeah yeah yeah it had a little tag i'm picturing it perfectly

it had a little tag on it that said um peanut butter pretzels um and then it pronounced he's like in case of allergy and it's like bitch this is your best friend. You don't know. You said he loves peanut butter pretzels. What? It's so crazy. He might be allergic to them. He loves them, but he's deathly allergic. He keeps forgetting. He keeps almost dying. Yes.

And I want him to. He's going to do it right here. My depressed gay friend Richard is coming over and I just respect his autonomy and if he chooses to kill himself with one of these peanut butter pretzels, I'll let him do that because I support anything my best gay friend does. I miss when the schools would just let

the kids die. They still do, babe. They still do. In our high school, there was, well, one, I went to five different high schools. The first high school I went to freshman year Corpus Christi Texas, Incarnate Word Academy

all nuns as teachers they loved you I was just such a hit I could see you keying with the nuns I thought I was for sure going to be bullied to death in that school and that uh that that i was gonna be a super target and then the senior quarterback got exposed for doing gay porn when he turned 18 and the who exposed him for doing gay porn so i think also

what's his name let Let's pull it up. I couldn't remember his name, but he was like... I found him. I'm looking at the porn right now. Oh my god, he's fucking jock. Is that you, jock? Is that you? Holy shit. Bald teen frail fucker. I was not bald as a teenager, you idiot. I'm a bitch motherfucker. God damn it.

Fat, bald teen. My fat, bald, 14-year-old brain by quarterback. I'm going to run you over with a monster truck, you stupid little gypsy. I fucking hate you. Oh, this is a really intense video. Let me just say something really quickly. You cannot trust gypsies.

You can't even trust Quakers. You can trust Quakers even less. We can't. We're not doing this again. We're not doing this again. Do you not remember the episode we had to delete? We had to literally delete gypsies so much. I'm just saying.

Yeah, you railed against them. Have you ever even met a person of this ethnic background? A Romani? A traveler? I've actually worked with two different people, both that were at Company Burger, who were Romani, a traveler. I've actually worked with two different people, both that were at Company Burger, who were Romani, and, well, self-claimed gypsy,

not actually Romani. And then... Okay, well, that doesn't mean anything. That's just an insane person you met. And I worked with a Quaker, and his... Yeah, you just met two crazy people. I worked with a Quaker,

and his dad would come in, and he would be like, well, did you give me the employee discount? And I was like, don't work here and he's like well us quakers believe i'm like what what do not go on to some kind of quaker rant right now because i'm not going to give you i don't believe you i literally don't believe you don't believe you whatever that a quaker was telling you that employee discounts are part of the quaker religion. You have to give it to him. He may have been a different religion. Also a dick moved. You pale, broken out face.

And you Ellen referee. You're attacking us so much. My face isn't broken out. It's just very flush. I said Ben's. My face is not breaking out. I have no... Nothing.

My skin is incredibly clear right now. My face is very... It is quite red, but it's because i um you look beautiful you look good thank you i got you're welcome i got my hormone levels back and they were like yeah you have the levels of like uh uh nine months pregnant woman so you need to stop there's some no more injections for a few weeks. Are you phoned out of the office? Do you, so the doctor,

I just really like, I'm not even making a joke right now. I've never, I never knew this. The doctor throughout your transition appointments is adjusting the amount of hormones based on like a blood level they take once a month. Yes. Based on how cunt you are,

on how, I don't know how fishy you look i'll be too powerful if they just you know yeah you're supposed to have like uh like your hormone levels are supposed to be at like 140 or something and mine were at like at like 12 or 1300 or something like that we should get our hormones done on the show and announce we should I have my levels oh period we'll see which one of us has the most testosterone mine is at zero

zero testosterone actually wait I probably have a ton of testosterone since my hair is all gone isn't that like a main symptom that is a sign of IT it's also a sign of stress and poor lifestyle but you know first of all,

first of all, let me just say something real quick. I have never been poor, so don't call me poor. Second, don't say I'm poor. You just said I have a poor lifestyle. Not like impoverished lifestyle. I mean, poor as in... Like bad living.

Oh, so now you think my life is both not worth a lot of money and it's cheap? I think your lifestyle is actually incredibly expensive. You have a very expensive lifestyle. You live like a king from the 1200s. Yes. Yes, or African dictator.

I have a Genghis Kong vibe to me. I conquer. Genghis Kong. Genghis Kong vibe to me. I conquer. Genghis Kong. Who's Genghis Kong? Can you explain who that person is to us? Yeah, it's the prodigy of Genghis Kong and King Kong.

No, be honest. Tell me. Tell me who this person is. Yeah. Jock, you honestly, whenever we ask a history question like this, he always gets it pretty close every single time. Who's Genghis Khan? Genghis Khan was a Mongolian,

like a Mongolian, like rebel leader. White boy. Who took over. He was just taking land. Wait, I feel like I have a good fact about him. You got it. That's pretty much exactly correct. It was during the early

1400s, 1500s, or is that too long? Is that too... It was earlier than that. I think it was earlier than that. I think it was the year 1000. I think it was like the year 1000. And I think the only thing that you really got wrong was that... No, I literally think it was like

I think he was like early... He was like 1100s, I think. I think Ben is right. I think 1100s is exactly right. Don't Google it yet. I want to hear more about what you think he is. Uh... He was just a rebel leader who took land that he wanted to. And he was pretty brutal and violent.

And eventually he settled down in New York with his lovely wife, King Kong, which they had a baby, Genghis Kong, who went on to run for second judicial Senate House hearing officer. You got it pretty dead on, Jock, except I don't think he was a rebel leader. I think he was just like a warlord.

Yeah, I think he was just a warlord. He was like the king. I gotta blow my nose. He invented a bunch of military tactics and stuff. Yeah, slash and burn. Jock has to blow his nose. Yeah, which I've done a few times. You just mute the mic.

Well, that's a difficult term. I'm glad he's not doing it with the mic on. His headphones are off, what should we say? Oh, he has a band-aid on his head? What the hell? That's his staph infection. Oh, yeah. I bet it's gone.

I bet he's just wearing it for attention. He's wearing it for attention for sure. Absolutely wearing it for attention. Yeah, for sure. What else should we talk about today? What else is on the docket? I have tarot cards. I could read Jacques' tarot cards.

Yeah, why not? Fucking god damn it. Why not? Why the hell not? Welcome back, Jacques. Jacques, do you want me to read' tarot cards. Yeah, why not? Fucking god damn it. Why not? Why the hell not? Welcome back. Jacques, do you want me to read your tarot cards? Oh, whoa. First she comes in with a...

Apparently it looks like she cut all her hair off. Then I'm seeing this jersey. And now she's reading tarot cards? What the hell? What's next? You want to go to the Chapel Row concert together? Oh my god. Wendy Williams is dead.

Fuck. Stop. You're not good at this joke. It's so... You've gotten worse and worse at delivering this joke. Well, it's because I say it once a week. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But one of these days, I'm going to be right, and you're not going to believe me.

Oh, the JFK files got released. Oh, I didn't read them. I feel like that was that was they're trying to keep our eyes off something more important yeah yeah it's there's not a ton of like really groundbreaking information in them

it does say that JFK there's a lot of sections about how he was gay about how he had a secret male lover JFK was gay? yeah it says it in the files that's kind of a bomb bombshell whoa i kind of find it hard to believe why wasn't he sticking the blonde woman well marilyn monroe was a man that's another thing that's uh in the uh files that she was a man yeah it says Marilyn Monroe is a man but she was Mexican too

she was a Mexican man sorry the way that you said that she was a Mexican man it says at one point in the files that she had quote linebacker shoulders I don't know if that's relevant at

all to the thing it's a lot of roasting it's a lot of like you know there's a part where they're talking about like how there's no good places to eat in dallas um there's a lot of stuff about that it's just all shit like that are you what are you doing what do you think about that? I think like, I mean, it's JFK who gives a shit. He got shot like a million years ago. Let lying

dead wops die. He wasn't Italian. Yeah, he was Irish. He's famously Irish. Also another Catholic. He's not Italian? Jacques, what do you want to read on, tarot-wise?

What should I read you for? Give me a reading on my love life. And also, Ben, when you texted me phone down, it's because I'm getting ready to read something to the group. What are you reading? An article. I just wanted to bring something up. So, get ready, you little dig shits first of all okay

wait what is going on with this uh snow white movie how did disney think that this was no idea what you're talking about y'all yeah you'd really have no idea jock just saw snow white for the first time the end of 1932 cartoon these doing? This shit looks gay as hell. This is so old. What the hell? I kind of was like not paying attention to it until I finally was like, I've seen enough articles.

I want to know what's going on. They have an upcoming live action remake of Snow White being produced by Disney. I haven't heard a single thing about this. It's really actually kind of hysterical. So they cast the two main actresses, the good witch and Snow White. Snow White.

The bad witch. The evil witch. Snow White. Snow White is a... The good witch. Of course, Jacques would love the evil witch and Snow White who's like looking at the mirror like,

who's prettier than me? I'm going to kill her. It is literally so insane. What he does every morning. So the Snow White actress is played by someone who is very vocal about being incredibly pro-Palestine. However, the villain opposite of Snow White is a former IDF soldier. Gal Gadot. Gal Gadot. Yes.

Then. Who's the hero? Zellweg. Zellweg. Renee Zellweger. No, no. Is it Rachel Ziegler? Yes, Rachel Ziegler. Okay, period. Zellweg. Sounds like a wizard.

Zellweg. The great Zellweg is here this issue is coming up constantly on set one actress is posting that she's pro palestine after a press tour the other actress is saying my heart goes out to israel it kept going back and forth back and forth, back and forth. Then it's like, what else could go wrong? Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones comes out and says, it is awful

that you guys would perpetuate the seven dwarves. That is so ableist, and you need to replace those characters. I'm just telling you. It's so funny to me you care so deeply about this. Because I just think like It's a movie for babies

No but the whole point of it The whole Lesson that you learn from this is that Good things don't need to be redone Snow White Excellent cartoon Doesn't need a live action remake It's just like every live action remake

Made in the last We didn't need an Aladdin We didn't need a Little Mermaid We didn't need a live action remake. It's just like every live action remake made in the last... We didn't need an Aladdin. We didn't need a Little Mermaid. We didn't need a fucking... God, the Aladdin remake. I'm just saying. It's all stupid. It's all stupid to me, but I'm like, it's not for me. It's literally for children. But it is just funny to see that

something produced by Disney that is like, you know, they're desperate to make it out into something, and they just have so many problems with this. So first off, they had to replace all seven actors that were dwarf actors with CGI dwarves, and then they had to create seven opposing other characters that fit other nationalities, like it's just so it's like

they they're like we're gonna have 14 dwarves only seven of them are actually dwarves the other seven are gonna be different uh like minorities it's just really like yeah i don't know it does it i feel like the point of inclusion gets lost by being so... Okay, Jacques. Here's your reading. The first card, this is your problem. Your problem is this is the Night of Cups, which I take to mean

that the movie Night of Cups is happening to you, kind of, and it's an issue. There are six women right now that you're kind of vying for um and they're kate blanchett natalie portman uh frida pinto uh oh the 2015 movie i was like i can't remember who else is in this movie, um, so you have six women that you're trying to choose from. And here is the, or that's your goal.

Your goal is to have the night of cups. I already fucked up. So your goal is to have six women that you're having fun times with and your obstacle. This is the seven of cups. Okay. And that means that you need to get, uh, you're going to need to get all of them drunk

and then you drunk as well. That's the problem, is that they're all drinkers, okay? Natalie Portman, famous drunk. And here's the solution, is the five of swords. And this means that you're going to have to kill... You're going to have to kill all of them except for one.

So that is basically, you only have one sword. Would you rather be with Kate Blanchett or Natalie Portman? Natalie Portman. I'm relating toward Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman's so hot. She is hot. She just

strikes me as being very hot. Yeah, she's a Zionist. She's in the being very yeah she's a Zionist she's she's a Zionist yeah she's Israeli yes she's Israeli I love Cate Blanchett though I think she's a lot of fun she is if she was dressed as Bob Dylan

her by a country mile or Tar oh my god oh my god I forgot she's Tar with Tar actually I'm changing my god, I forgot she's Tar. Actually, I'm changing my answer. I want to dress like Tar. I really want to dress like Tar so bad. No, Tar is so cool. It's suits that fit so

well. Suits that fit really well and then like cardigans over the neck. How tall is Cate Blanchett? Cate Blanchett height. Does she dance in this movie? Yes. It's about a dancer. No, it's about an orchestra

woman, but does she dance or not? She dances. She's 5'9". Same height as me? Same height as me, too. Oh my god, I'm about to flip out my phone. Well, it's okay. Your podcast, you don't need your phone. I just want to see Cate Blanchett. Well, it's okay. You're a podcaster. You don't need your phone. I just want to see Cate Blanchett.

Now I googled I just want to see Cate Blanchett. I didn't even google it. Jacques just pulled out one of those Huawei phones that folds in half and the screen is completely broken. The screen is completely shattered. Oh, no. She looks like a villain. Why would I want that in my bedroom? And at my home?

Look up Cate Blanchett, Bob Dylan, no shot. No, no, I remember that horrible movie. She's in the car, right? That's a good movie. I'm not there. She is in a car at one point, yes. Wait, that's not the title. I'm not there is the...

I'm not there is the title. Is the title of the movie, yes. Wait, isn't there also a movie called I'm Not There about the guy, River Phoenix's brother? You were never really here. I'm Not There is the title. Isn't there also a movie called I'm Not There about the guy, River Phoenix's brother? You Were Never Really Here. Yes. That's what you're thinking of. Oh, God.

Which is a good movie. I love that movie. I haven't seen You Were Never Really Here. It's really good. It's about Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin Phoenix plays a guy who is trying to good it's like um it's about um walking it's not about blocking venus walking walking phoenix plays a guy who is trying to save um some child prostitutes from a very nefarious um elite political ring so it's like uh it's like a taxi driver type yeah it's very it's very like yeah

but it's good it's good there's a lot of really good fight scenes in it um and oh he's he's fighting in it oh okay he's like killing people okay joaquin yeah he's killing people yeah it's a great movie um what else is going on today y'all not much is going on in the world it's a really beautiful day outside today well that's beautiful i love that so much. It's beautiful here in New York, too. It's okay here in Iowa. It's a little... Well, it looks like the clouds are clearing up.

Actually, it's beautiful outside. I might go to the one gay bar in town tonight. And like I've said many times on this show, I hope my local enemy named Jonah is not present, who had his linebacker drag queen boyfriend kick me out a couple of years ago. Oh my God. I'm not going to get into them because the drag queen boyfriend is fucking massive. And Jonah hates my ass.

Can I ask, is he massive in a way that would be described as fat or muscle? Linebacker. Linebacker. So both. I'll say both. described as fat or muscle linebacker linebacker so both yeah both so this boy drinks chocolate every day when he wakes up and before he goes to bed i don't know what his diet is iowa i'm guessing is i'm guessing this is a a drag queen linebacker boyfriend black lipstick wing wing eyeliner kind of probably i try not to pay attention to that kind of thing it's disturbing

um but yeah there's not really that many gay guys left now well they all left because of all the stuff lafayette just closed down the one gay bar that barely it's only gay bar i know it's so fucked up when i was in lafayette i was like that's crazy so bolt probably open did it bolt opened uh like maybe 15 years ago in lafayette from like a married couple like a gay married couple and then within the first five or six months of being open they divorced but kept owning the business and half of the staff was friends with one husband and half of the staff was friends with one another husband And then they both started fucking two employees.

And it just was so messy. I was surprised that place didn't get more. Gay bars, you know. It'd be so fun. I would love to own a gay bar. Not to fuck employees. You'd be like Rick in Casablanca.

Mm-hmm. Yes. You'd be like Humphrey Bogart. You'd be in a and Casablanca. Yes. You'd be like Humphrey Bogart. You'd be in a white suit, sweaty as fuck. I'd be so sweaty. So greasy. Yelling at people. I would love to do that. Get the fuck out of here.

When I was due for a gay bar. Get your faggot ass out of my bar. Out of my gay bar. You should tell me that all the time. It's due for a good gay bar. There's only like two here and they're not like

well one's iconic one is named Blazing Saddles and it is like period. Heavy pores gay guys kind of cowboy themed. It's cute.

It's been here forever. There's another one called The Garden that doesn't really give much of anything. I would love to open a just really sleazy place. All the new bars in here and all the new bars in the Midwest and small-sized cities that

I've been to, Lafayette included, they're all swanky cocktail bars that are over designed and very millennial and it's like we need new just absolute shitholes just terrible you need to open nasty places ben you need to open up uh let's you and i together open up a bar called combat it It's a gay bar. Okay. With You have to roast your way in. Yeah, you have to roast your way in. The bouncer, every day the bouncer is wearing like

one article of clothing that's like really bad and you have to make a joke about it. And that's how you get in. Right. Jock's the bouncer. You have to insult him. It's very easy to rile. You would love that job 9 a.m every day you show up to the club and i'm waiting in the front of it and you're like the only way this fat fuck back again wearing a turtleneck that barely encases him more more like i wouldn't be

saying that i'd all i would make all of the clientele say that to get yeah the only way to get in is for you to get in yeah the only way to get out is for jock to be like get the fuck out of here you're not allowed in and then you get let in through a back door ben would look me up and down and say that doesn't even look like clothes that looks like the skin of a boudin you look like a tiny a big old fat sausage stuck in clothes

i wouldn't say that to you i think you're beautiful and i'd love your style no i i i think you would have come up with a better way to call me fat than when i just i would have come up with a better way to call me fat than when I just... I would have come up with a better way, yeah. I have to pee real quick. I'll be right back. Alright, that's fine. Yeah, Jocko, maybe we could

open a gay bar. We could call it BJ's. Ben and Jock's. Oh, man. We should open up a competing gay bar in Lafayette. Oh my gosh, do you hear that noise? And blow both out of the fucking Oh, man. We should open up a competing gay bar in Lafayette. Oh, my God. Did you hear that noise? And blow both out of the fucking water.

What noise? Oh, my God. It's like a giant waterfall is pouring on top of a roof. Oh, wow. Heavy streams. Oh, what the shit? Yeah, I'm hearing that, too. Oh, God.

We got hurricanes incoming. God, it's like a hole in the ceiling just started pouring through during a rainstorm. Oh, Lordy. Oh, my God. Hess's apartment is flooding. Oh, my God. The screen's turning yellow because the pee is going to the ceiling. Girl, go piss.

Girl, go piss. Go piss, girl. We should open a gay bar. I would love to do that with you. One day. I would love to. I'm down. One day in Lafayette when we take over the God. When Sikandar takes over Lafayette. Also, over the god. When Sigur Nenis takes over Lafayette. Also, I'm going to go ahead and just remind you of what you've told me before, which is

I will never do a business with you. Well, we currently have a business. Yeah, and behind this I'll say this. I would let you work at my gay bar. See, that's a more correct answer

that I was looking for would you like to work at my gay bar in Lafayette when I open one sure it's kind of due for it you know because there's enough gay people there and in the region but I guess they all probably live in New Orleans

I think all the gay people are starting to vacate. Yeah. Here, at least Lafayette. The gay scene here is very tiny and weird. Same thing in Iowa. Yeah, I can imagine. I'm sure Louisiana gays are worse, but the Iowa gays must be just like... No, they're not.

No, they're not. It is crackheads out here, diva. It is meth heads. It's crackheads. It's scary. I mean, Iowa is like a really trashy place. Like, Des Moines is like very trashy. There are like nice neighborhoods.

Really? I thought it was like a nice place. A lot of it. No, it's trashy. It's for sure trashy. That kind of fills in some of the blanks. Oh, yeah. For you.

I'm not a rich kid like you. Hessa, now I take everything I said about your outfit back. I'm in love. You look like you're about to win the 1930 election for mayor of Cincinnati. For the people at home, I just put on a straw hat

with a green a green and red kind of like the gucci web stripe she's like what do you guys what do you guys think about everyone what do you guys what do you guys think about everyone vandalizing tesla tesla's like blowing up the tesla i saw the videos somewhere in california someone said like seven teslas at a dealership on fire i think it's pooping on cyber trucks what do you think about that i think it's amazing i also think like 80 of those are um false flags by tesla owners yeah sure who want attention i i yeah i'm seeking. I know Ben saw this and I saw

it firsthand is that they were smacking the shit out of the Cybertrucks during Mardi Gras with beads. They were throwing... Oh my god. People hated it. There was a Cybertruck in the Mardi Gras parade. In one of the parades. I think it was Orpheus.

And there was a giant Cybertruck and everyone just started throwing all of their beads back at the truck. Like so, like from every direction. Whipping them at them. Whipping at the Cybertruck. And that parade was miles.

That had been happening the whole time. It was hilarious. There were like six Cybertrucks in the parade and they all had to exit before the end because of the damages that were going to their cars. Wait, even in crazier news, more worldwide news,

the sale of Cybertrucks has been halted currently and production has been stopped. It's one of the dumbest cars. Obviously. They're glued together. They're literally glued together. They're ugly. The glued together part is the reason that they're discontinuing

them currently because of all the issues. I'm sure because of Elon's, you know. Well, obviously the politics come in a lot. But having a Cybertruck in New Orleans is so stupid to me because the roads are literally crumbling. It's one of the dumbest cars to have. And it's humid. It's a humid place.

If you think the cyber trucks are ill-fitted for New Orleans, New Orleans, Uber, and Tesla have a particular deal where you can get a certain amount of money back for renting a Tesla to drive as an Uber. And all these people

think that they're about to get the nicest car and it's a shortcut for them to make more money because they have a nicer car. But the Teslas are so bad for New Orleans. They're so low to the ground and all those potholes. And then people can't use the automated driving systems.

They can't. They're difficult to use. I've been driving my mom's car. It's like a Subaru Crosstrek or something. There's a goddamn iPad in the middle of the fucking console. All of these new cars. I hate new cars so much. Yeah.

They're impossible to use. I'm like, what was the issue with knobs? Knobs make intuitive sense. They're easy to control. I don't want to have to hook up my fucking phone to my car. It never works. Yeah. It never works seamlessly. There's the delay always. There's always a up my fucking phone to my car. It never works. It never works seamlessly.

There's the delay always. There's always a crazy delay. And then you get calls and it comes so fucking loud through the speakers and you have to... It's a headache. Have you ever seen TikToks of the Chinese electronic vehicles

that are banned for sale in the US? They're really cute. They're so cute and they all have knobs inside. Chinese electronic vehicles that are banned for sale in the US. And they're all like... They're really cute. They're so cute. And they all have knobs inside. And they're all like... They all cost like six grand.

What's... No, there's... The whole car. There's an electric truck that I think is... It's so, so cute. I want one so bad. It's so much better

than anything we have here, literally. I know I know nothing about car prices and anything, but my landlord just bought a van and he got it for $5,000 and he was like, it's a great deal, except it has no seats in the back.

Oh. Well, that's fine. That's funny for a van. It's going to be his manager's... He owns a video game store. It's going to be his manager's car. Apparently, if you're a manager at this

video game store for longer than six months, then you get the company car. This guy has been working... This manager's been working there for over almost two years. He hasn't received a car because the car has been in the shop. And then finally, instead of him getting kind of like a Honda Fit small

car wrapped in the advertisements of the video game store, now he's going to have to have a passenger van with absolutely no passenger seats. Guys, we should get company cars. I know. That would be so fun. that's not fair to me none of us have licenses

I'm actually getting a driver's license I know I really need to get my license it would be so easy you never did? it was in New York no I had one for a while I got it taken away by driving recklessly oh my god

in my teen years. Yeah, Steve-o. I've never been reckless. Yeah, when I was 17. I am a pretty reckless driver, I will say that. But guys, I have to get out of the house before my mom yells at me. Okay. Because she's having a party that I can't attend.

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