Seeking Derangements - SD 400 - Celebrate Good Times C'mon

Episode Date: April 20, 2025

Its Seeking Sunday plus Hesse's Birthday, plus Easter, plus 4/20! Let's run it up mothers! Ben here, today Jacques and Hesse try to deal with me speaking solely through my new soundboard, something I'm doing at the advice of my medical team. But it went so badly that my doctors have told me to stop and the soundboard won't be coming back sorry about that everyone. We also talk about the Oregon Trail, Gayle King saying f*ggotry on live TV, and Hesse tells us about being trapped next to TJ Miller on a trail to Buffalo. The celebrations don't stop there! Find the new of The Steam Room in our Patreon shop. It has 21 full episodes!

Hello, hello, everyone. It's Ben. I'm here with Hessa just for a little message at the beginning of our 400th episode. We're coming on the occasion of not only our 400th episode, but Sunday Seeking Sunday is also guess what? It's Hessa's birthday. It's my 25th birthday. Oh my god. Shut up, bitch. No, that's a quote from vanderpump rules okay right sorry um it has his 25th birthday it's also what else is it it's also easter rising and we also got a new soundboard it's going to be a reveal but and it's also you wish me smoke. Stop. Smoke. We are listening. Chuck is not with us. That was the sound birthday,

which we are. Do not like. You're going to go way too crazy. We're going to get complaints. We are not a fan of it being Hitler's birthday, but what can we do? Well, we are here to tell you that on the occasion of these three amazing events and one bad thing happening, we are dropping, let's see, another 18 episodes of Hessa and I's old show on the peter teal funded app

known as colin um on these episodes another drop of 18 let me see here these are all you know live colin episodes hessa and i did on twitter so we're hearing directly from uh listeners and each week we posed a question a quandary or something related to the discourse a topic some kind of something to stoke the imaginations and minds of our listeners right so on the easter 420 hessa's birthday hitler's birthday drop you're gonna get what would you do if you won the lottery uh that was a fun episode. That was a really good one. I remember saying that I would get plastic surgery, fake my own death,

never speak to anyone again in my life. We also have Best Fast Food in the Nation. We have our Aliens reel. What's the gayest thing that's ever happened to you? We have an episode where I think we were clearly both hung over and we said how do we cure our hangover at the time my hangover cure was ripping a pomegranate open with your bare hands getting in the shower and screaming the pomegranate thing is kind of out of rotation now but i do maintain that screaming in the shower really will cure your hangover um is it gay to have gay sex was one of the topics um and i think we landed i can't remember what we landed on honestly you know what they'll have to buy the steam room chris

not the christmas package they'll have to buy the 420 has his birthday hitler's birthday and 420 package um if they want to find out what that was about, we have one that was called, did it get better? Which is a very funny. Yeah, it gets better. We, we responded finally to,

and we, we assessed it and we, I think we landed on the, it did, it did get better a little bit. Oh yeah. I got better. Um, it got better for everyone out there.

How do we fix pride? Love and relationship advice. Nutrition. Oh, Jock was on one where we did a free nutrition consultation with Dr. Gonsolin. Yes, yes. Gynecologist to the stars.

What's the worst place in america um blind items oh my god the blind items was so funny oh my god remember the uh i was just thinking about this because my mom um my mom was listening to lumineers in the car and i was like you know i their cellist goes on Grindr and pretends to be a guy. Oh, that's nasty, woman! Meets gay guys. Great, great episode. We won't tell you any more about that. You'll have to go see. And one final one to leave you off, to leave the listeners with here.

There are going to be 19, So more than we've mentioned, but how many inches is enough? And kill me now. How many inches is enough? You'll have to buy the package to find out. You have to go to our Patreon shop. It's $12. There's going to be an option to buy it in the Apple

store or some bullshit. It's like $18 there because Apple is taking a cut. Go buy it directly from our Patreon, patreon.com slash seeking derangements uh yeah second drop there's gonna be another drop for a very special date coming up but get 18 episodes of the steam room on our patreon shop yeah just go on our page look up steam room uh on our patreon there's a shop. Yeah. If you haven't bought the Christmas one, the Christmas one is there as well. It's another like each episode is like 120

an hour. They're always at least an hour. So it's a lot of content out there. Help Hessa celebrate her birthday. Yes. It's less than a dollar per episode, guys. It's kind of insane. Yeah. All right, guys. Now now we're gonna get to guess what our 400th episode Pena es lo que siento en mi alma Porque esta mujer no entiende

Y me hace perder la calma Mira a ver Que tú me tienes cansado and with that if you're hearing this on the pre-feed make sure to subscribe to our Patreon for bonus content and our entire back catalog but on the 400th episode I do have some news to bring to you Jock and Hessa and everyone out there listening

of course you're hearing me from a video I recorded yesterday I'm comparing with my team of medical doctors and experts. They advised me that it's probably best due to some

conditions I might have that I start communicating solely through a accessibility device, which I did spend yesterday and today building. I hate when he's accessible. Our communication will be changing but I did build a device

to express myself through and I hope you guys are willing to learn what I'm trying to say. I think the practice will get there. We'll understand each other soon enough. Why should we have to practice? This bitch should practice.

I'm communicating through this. You big fat white nasty smelling fat bitch. Whoa. Ben, that accent you just did was bad, dude. That accent you just did, I don't know if you can do that accent. Oh, hell no.

Oh, hell no. Interesting. Interesting. So you have a soundboard. I guess your new your new proposal is that you're never gonna talk again okay i'm not against it as long as he doesn't abuse the sound you're not against this you're not against it i'm not against ever having to not talk to him on the recording it just might make things easier and we could talk more i mean has to Ben on the recording. It just might make things easier. And we could talk more. I mean, Hessa, come on. Wouldn't you like to become the... Was that the Jacques theme?

Wait, do it again. You big, fat, white, nasty, failing, fat bitch. The tuba. It's like you're being fatphobic to me through music. Yeah.

What in the faggotry? Oh my God. This is going to be, we can't do this the whole episode, Ben. You have to get over yourself. You have to get over your, you have to get over your crippling fear.

Oh, Jacques, this is how we get him to talk. Keep telling him he's, he didn't do any work because he worked so hard on the soundboard yeah i mean this i mean i'm so happy that you downloaded six files and put them on a midi board that must have been really hard for you and i'm sure that it's really hard to use your big sausage fingers to press those big buttons to make you be able to communicate wow fucking queer fucking queer what is that one from

what is that one even from he doesn't he doesn't want to talk to us I don't like him they're booing the soundboard Ben they're booing him because he sounds so stupid okay that was a great one okay our listeners so stupid. Shut up. That was a great one. Okay, our listeners are already going to be so, like, people are already leaving

comments. People are already leaving the episode. If you're not going to communicate, that's fine, but our show's going to fail. I hate that noise. You wish me stop smoke weed? I hate that noise.

You wish me stop smoke weed? I hate you so much. For everyone listening at home, that was the soundboard. Ben, you have to stop. You have to talk to the whiteboard. Oh, hell no! Ben, you have to stop. You have to talk to the whiteboard of this. It's been too much.

The way that it's cracking Ben up and making no one else listening or watching the video laugh. I knew this would happen when you told me about the soundboard. I knew you would keep this bit going for way too long. He's too. I hope this is why I would hope you would become a paraplegic and have to communicate through.

Wouldn't it be so much easier? Paraplegic just means you're paralyzed from the waist down. Well, I just mean, well, he should be paraplegic. But he should also have to communicate through the little blow thing. He should have Stephen Hawking. You should fuck Stephen Hawking, Ben. That would be interesting

instead of you just putting noises at us. Ben, we are flopping right now. You need to pick up the mic and talk. I like him not having fun with it. It's not funny. Yeah, let's stay at the beach. up the mic and talk i like him not having fun with it it's not funny nice content i'm gonna go blow my nose what do you guys can't do it without me come on no it's we i mean i guess we could but whatever if you keep hitting the button 100 everyone yes yes yes yes yes yes you could

have asked me yes or no questions i have a yes or no button oh let's do that let's do that oh good god okay i'm going back. My medical team is calling me. I have to go away. Okay. I had to blow my nose. He's still doing this shit. Ben, how are you today? You're white and nasty.

Yeah, that checks out. And he's a computer noise. Is that Ben? Can you give us the sound for yes right now so we know it okay it was the sound for no okay so you don't have a yes and a no you have two arbitrary sounds that queen okay that is a yes that is why is the other one that sound for a way that this is making him crack up so much and it's making us okay barely now we really need to move on board i'm back on board um so ben what did you do today can you describe it to us oh hell no okay so you can't

describe that's a no you played a different yes and no sound that don't work and then you play to someone saying actually saying yes and someone actually saying helping you be more accessible is failing very badly because this is not making you accessible and then you spooky noise me as if i'm a tiktok jock describe do you have any medical issues going on Jacques, describe do you have any medical issues going on? Sure you know, the constant reforming

of abscesses across my body and the inability to cure the disease I had to have a meeting with a doctor today and it was very cut and dry it was around 9.30am

they cut you open and dried you out? Yeah, and it still didn't work. I have to take a bleach bath when I get home tomorrow. I swear to fucking God as a method for decolonization of MRSA on your body and the hypothetical that it's

existing in the crevices of one of my body. One of your body? You have more than one body? Just all over my body. So I'm truly... I have to take a diluted bleach bath tomorrow. Wait, a second Jacques has just appeared. Jacques, are you going to interact with the second Jacques?

I don't do AI. Stop, smoke weed. Do you want me to stop smoking weed? I guess I'll be back. I was thinking we would have fun you guys forcing me to try to communicate through the soundboard. Let me just confirm a little data

to the listeners out there. Shut the fuck up, you bitch. Get up. Get white. to the listeners out there. Shut the fuck up. Bitch. We were totally ready to have a grand old time with all that nonsense. Really? What did you prepare for the show today? Let's hear it. More health problems?

No, that was what Hessa asked me to say. Hessa asked me to say but um Hessa asked me to say this the most horrifying thing call and response do you really have um you really have to take a bleach bath I swear to god that's the one last like like extra thing I'm drinking pomegranate rinds

pomegranate rinds pomegranate rind powder, two tablespoons in the morning, powder, it's really bitter, it's not flavorful it's flavorful but in the wrong way that was me I was doing this because that was me talking about how

bad it must be for you to taste something that wasn't flavorful I did think today I was really having a hard time deciding what i was going to eat for lunch before work and i had to settle for a place of convenience so i could be on time what do you mean what does that mean oh hell no it was gonna be like i was i really wanted to go to like a restaurant that i wanted to eat at that i used to work at and get an arugula salad and instead i went to a diner and got pancakes and breakfast

at Pete's Kitchen, which is not bad, because it's next to where my medications are. At Walgreens? Your medications. At Walgreens. Okay. But, yeah. You know?

This guy is... I feel, I love how much he... I think that Ben is the sole I wish I could only communicate through the soundboard. No one wants to try to understand me. No one wants to try to understand me. It's so ridiculous.

It's hard when the noise is playing at the same time as your voice, because I think they're both going through the same thing. So you do get a little distorted. You smell like a fat white nasty smelling fat bitch. Okay. We are going to have to tone this down in future episodes, but this can't happen ever again. Go and kill me now.

This is worse than that Gypsy's nonsense. Olivia Soprano. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that one. Look, look at my new enterprise. And ask me any yes or no questions and try to figure out what happened to me. Yeah. Wait, did you get injured? No!

Is it an illness? Yes, queen! Okay. Thank you for calling me a queen, by the way. Do you respect me, Ben? What kind of... Are you physically unable to talk, or is it a mental affliction?

Yes, queen! Mental. Okay, so that's mental. I think we can decide. You're a woman now? Yes, queen. Okay, period. I don't think there's a room.

Okay. I love the idea of a new transsexual Ben. Fucking queer. And her name is his. Oh my God. shut the fuck up i didn't never misgender him because he's not another clip of jacques from a previous episode you wish we broke weed i'm not gonna stop smoking weed what in the faggotry no Ben you oh we should have

cause we were both in touch about this soundboard we should have we were both in touch as it been been we should have done more Jacques clips and had Jacques argue with himself you didn't even get the noise noise from the rupaul when they're uh when they do something the little marimba oh i think he probably does but he probably did get

that one well oh my god so it's a mental illness that you have yes is it is it ptsd from something happening or no is it autism yes oh because you were fine last last episode how did you you catch the autism have you been ingesting a lot of lead okay what how okay i don't think i think i know the answer to this already but ben do you think rfk okay ben do you think that rfk is going to solve okay ben do you think that okay ben do you think that... Okay, Ben, do you think that RFK is going to solve the... Y'all can have an episode without me. I fucking hate you. You're an idiot, bitch. You both are disappointments

at times. And that time is today. Mostly Ben, not Hesla. You're doing great. Thank you. Your hair is herring today. She's wearing a referee shirt. She is... It's a Juventus jersey. Oh, Evangelos your hair is herring today she's wearing a referee shirt she is by the way i want to point out my juventus jersey oh evangelist this jersey that's cool it's a sony mini disc on it it's 1994 juventus look at this they were sponsored by the sony mini disc vintage enterprise insurance hat sponsored

by nascar okay it doesn't say sponsored by nascar anywhere on there though oh do you not see the nascar logo look at my head pull no you're frozen i'm not frozen yes you are you're frozen you're just pointing at your hat and there's nothing oh i see the nascar logo now you're welcome okay well if ben wants to come and do the episode with us i'd be ready for that right about now. We're about 15 minutes in. I've heard more sound. Jacques, do you have confidence in yourself to take a bleach bath without harming yourself? Yeah, yes. It's a diluted bleach bath, not straight bleach.

I don't like the smell of bleach. Okay, how diluted is it? I mean, there's a guide to it online, how much cup per water. Okay. But, I mean, it's just supposed to help decolonization of the mercer. Go on, go. go on go have you read um have you read that book um about uh decolonization by uh what's his name nope i'm rereading great gadsby right now i realized that i bought the wrong phone jack adapter from the iphone okay wait a second wait a second i'm so curious how we get from you bought

the wrong phone jack adapter to i'm reading the great gadsby right yeah look i'm gonna i'm so curious how we get from you bought the wrong phone jack adapter to i'm reading the great gatsby right yeah look i'm gonna i'm gonna get that explain shut that voice machine up so as i was trying to explain the one time i've read in the last few years um i got on the airplane i opened the box with the adapter and instead of it being a usbc it was usb lightning and i was like fuck and i just spent 30 on the what do you mean wait what do you mean okay i had no form of entertainment for an hour 30 minute long flight that i was planning on staying up during and i got on the flight and i realized that I got the wrong headphone adapter. So I couldn't listen to music and my computer was dead. So I started downloading books frantically on my phone through the Apple phone books thing.

And I spent $60 on books. I bought the acid house by Irving Welsh. I bought a good band is hard to find by Flannery O'Connery. I got nine stories. Yeah, i got nine stories yeah i got nine stories by jd salinger um i got uh kim gordon the abandoned me the memoir the sonic youth memoir and then finally i realized that great gatsby was free so i downloaded that and read that instead of any of the ones i bought the well the kim gordon book you already bought it that's a really good book actually i'm really excited to read that

but you've got to cut it with the sound effects yeah i think that's enough of the sound effects we've had enough you need to get in the episode i know that you're probably hung over or tired and dependent on the machine for that reason but if you could just you know want to put some work in that'd be really helpful for us today no but if you want to make it like a bad episode that's chill too i love that for you so you got how far did you get into the great gatsby shock the second chapter or so maybe two and a half chapters but it's so gay i didn't remember it being so gay he's like perfect timing on that he's like tom buchanan was built like a sturdy bovine well nick is a gay nick is a gay guy the the narrator oh really yeah sex with someone in an elevator it's or not in an elevator but on the way up the elevator he's talking to a character

and he's stroking the elevator handle you know this is like a tiktok video where it's like zooming in on the podcaster's faces it's like do you know about the great gatsby gay theory and it says the words on the screen i didn't realize it was gay beforehand i thought it was just kind of eccentric but not gay the um my teacher in high school my senior english teacher was gay no he read we read the great gatsby and if anyone said it was gay he would be like uh he would get really mad and he'd be like it's not gay there's nothing homosexual he was also like 102 years old his His name was... Oh, it's like Carmela getting so upset

that Meadows says that that book that she's reading in class is gay. Which book? It's like something about the sea and the man, a sailor book. Oh, Billy Budd. Billy Budd? Was it Billy Budd?

Yeah, I think so. Moby Dick? The Old Man and the Sea? The Old Man and the Sea? The Old Man and the Sea, I think. Kill me now. Go on, go. The Old Woman and the Sea more like. Billy Budd, gay.

Billy Budd is what Bo Travai is based on. While not explicitly stated as homosexual, the novel explores themes of attraction and desire between men, especially in the relationship between Billy Budd and John Clargart. Clargart's jealousy and obsession with Billy, along with the suggestion of homoerotic tension, contribute to this interpretation. That was another book. We read that also in this class. This guy was 102 years old. He had the thickest white eyebrows I've ever seen.

He talked like this and he was he told us a story one time he was like when i was 20 i when i was 20 years old i was left at the altar by my the love of my life and i've been a virgin ever since and we were like jesus christ man that's fucking depressing oh hell no oh Oh, hell no. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. Yeah, depressing English teachers. I mean, there's like a million of them. He died, though.

He died anyways. Well, that's fine. He's probably happier now. But I saw him the other day. Wait, play the music again. But I saw him on my walk the other day. He was walking down the street. And he was walking hand in hand

with the main character from The Great Gatsby. But yeah, that's it. Do you wish me smoke, stop, smoke weed? Jacques, that every time I hear that you're gonna take a hit. Stop, smoke weed?

Yeah, I'd be jamming into the mic. Every time I hear that, you wish me to take a hit. You want me to stop? Yeah, I'd be jamming into the mic. 1-2-1-2, reggae. Can I tell my TJ Miller story? Yeah, please. Who the hell is that? Alright, hang on

let me get my phone it's behind me to you big fat white nasty smelling fat bitch to you big fat see Ben you said this was going to be the introductory bit yeah well okay no

all right all right let me talk about Jacques just texted me this episode is ass why would you have to reveal that i don't stand by this episode if you have positive comments to leave about me in this episode i'll be grateful i thought we were raiding rooms today i thought we had some interior motives my idea for a show because i do everything oh finally about to talk wow you do everything ben does everything ben is ben is constantly recording videos constantly um you know jerking off with fans uh you know he's doing the the the big mile well i'd like to tell this story.

It's a very long thing that I can tell. Yeah, I'm willing to listen, Hesed. Let's get interesting with it. Well, I don't know. I would rather not tell it with a bunch of random sound effects. Yeah, I have Vita. I'm going to leave if we don't cut the sound effects out. It's like not even funny

it's annoying me okay okay cool well okay yeah I'm like so ready to actually do the episode I'm like I it's like this is beyond like I guess to protect I'm getting pissed off and ben thinks he's being like the ultimate edge lord here are you too oh my god okay fine jesus what's up what's up you would be so bad you said it would be an intro i wasn't prepared to do a full episode ask yes or no questions to me what do you mean ask yes or like what and to ask yes or no questions to me. What do you mean? Ask yes or like what? And then the yes or no or not even that affirmative. There's literally a yes and a no.

Okay, well, let me just say, I think you should go back to the drawing board. And this is also universally understood to be a yes. And that is a universal. I understood that those were a yes. And that is a universally understood country, it's actually reversed. Yes and a no. But yeah, in Louisiana, it's reversed because no means yes.

That's why I have charges. Can I tell this story about T.J. Miller? Yes, please. I want to hear it. This is a real story, everyone, by the way. Is T.J.er a famous person is there any background that i need to know about he's on the tv show silicon valley shot on that show

he's on he's in the deadpool movies all those guys on comedy central where the thing was like they didn't have a job workaholics no not workaholics right no it's not that guy but he's like he's like that kind of like i like the workaholics guys he'saholics right no it's not that guy but he's like he's like that kind of like i like the workaholics guys he's he's like a little more high he was in the deadpool movie playing deadpool's best friend and like he looks absolutely unacceptable yeah he makes mutton chops in a goatee so unhot okay it says he has a spouse that must be a misprint he um but he got canceled for doing for being insane and i think he did right to stuff when was he canceled what was it for again it was just google tj miller allegations yeah look up tj miller oh my god he's been

said to use a soundboard too long even though it wasn't going on for well oh my god this is crazy good one no the embezzlement allegations in 2018 it was revealed that miller had been embezzling funds from his production company liz more productions the allegations were shocking and miller's fans and callings were left reeling that's not even that exciting that's not even what i was talking about but tj miller was sitting behind me on the train to buffalo the amtrak to buffalo and he was loudly talking about bitcoin and i was like wait a second is that tj miller that sounds and looks a lot like tj miller right and i was texting my friend um he then he started talking about 2b he kept saying he was talking, I gathered

he was talking to like a manager or an agent or something. He kept saying like trying to get on to be. Yeah. And this is completely, I'm not making this up. I swear to God, this really happened. He kept saying to be is the future. He kept saying TJ. I knew it was him for sure, because he kept saying TJ is to be, and he doesn't want to

do anything else. Make sure they knowj is to be and he doesn't want to do anything else make sure they know tj is to be he kept saying uh the t in tj miller stands for to be miller to be jay miller i love that as a real first name yeah then he said i need to go because i need to go to the roof of the caa of the caa building and catch a helicopter. Um, CAA, Canadian American Association. It's an agency. It's an agency. Um, and the creative art or creative artists agency or something like that.

But he kept saying that this was, by the way, that was maybe, I'm not kidding. Like 15 minutes before a helicopter crashed into the Hudson river. Um, and like for real. And I was like, oh my God, I hope his agents like see that and are like, oh my God, did

he die? Then he hung up and he called, that was like his manager. Then he called his agent. And he kept saying, he's friends with Elon Musk and he wants to be in business with 2b he kept saying if i get this 2b thing i'll buy you dinner i'll buy you a car a small economy sized car remember how serious i am about bitcoin i'm just as serious about 2b um then he said it's either 2b or it's not 2b i'm gonna say that one more time it's to be or not to be get it tell them i said that why are you laughing stop laughing never mind don't tell them i said that please don't

tell them i said that um then he hung up and he called someone else and he said dude i just pranked my manager and my agent so bad i told them i wanted to be part of to be i told and then he recounted the entire calls and then he was like uh let me see um then he said to this per this new person he called um i hope you understood by the cadence of that thing i texted you earlier that i was joking i would never say that about you or about her and i was like this guy is crazy he's pissing everyone in the world off you know and then he kept saying i'm playing at the because at the seneca niagara casino and hotel and he said um hang on this i have to switch to a different thing what a fucking i think when you're you

there's a certain point where you get famous and then you it just dies out and you're like clinging on to the desperateness of trying to like be famous still oh at one point he went to the cafe car to get some to get like uh food or like water or something and as he was walking back he said really loudly on the phone um because there was a girl operating the counter and he said you ever see a girl and just know you would hit and um then he sat down put on his headphones and started moaning he meant punch her in the face y'all yeah yeah and he started moaning like a retard for like 25 minutes going and then just like occasionally snapping his

fingers like he was like listening to music he's absolutely miserable i know and then he made a call and he was like the seneca nation the casino slow down slow down slower slower see i don't know what you're talking about when i what can i talk about talk slower stop talking so fucking fast you're doing that because you want to sound more like a person than a robot then he said uh he started reading the most dramatic woman in the world you can relate you can relate i can really relate when you want to just be a robot and everyone makes you start talking. Then he said, because he's playing at the Seneca Niagara Casino, he started reading the first part of the Seneca Nation's Wikipedia page.

And then he said, I have some Native American jokes. Do you want to hear them? And then he said... I'm sure they were absolutely amazing. They were amazing. Well well he read the first one the first one was why did the native american carry a ladder to reach the high notes or the native musician carry a ladder right to reach the high notes um it's like not even racist it's so funny to tell what does that even mean i don't even know what that means i don't get that joke at all to hit a high note jock like mariah carey then why why why would native americans hit high notes what does that have to do with them it's just a bad joke but

it becomes clear what's going on pretty quickly because then he says what do you call a native athlete a running joke can we get the boo sound effect ben on that one right okay cool can i bring this back or will it trigger you guys i will Can we get the boo sound effect, Ben, on that one? Okay, cool. Can I bring this back or will it trigger you guys? You can bring it back. Maybe not constantly. I've become really addicted to it. I find it to be very fun.

It is fun. I'm happy. Then he said, this is where it kind of all snaps into place. Okay. See, the talking ones when i'm talking are a little it's frustrating pisses me off a little bit okay all right that's fine but then it all kind of snaps into place here he's like why did the native baker open a bakery into place here he's like why did the native baker open a bakery okay to make sure no one went away for then he said there was a long pause and he was like i don't understand that one and then he kept the next few he read did he write these himself or was he like finding no i looked back he was reading on his phone he googled native american jokes and he was just reading them okay he was

like i'm gonna tell these at my stand-up set at this casino tonight this is gonna be sick jesus christ then he kept saying um hang on he said have you ever heard of xeno's paradox i think like he was on painkillers or something because this is where it started getting crazy what's a xenoparadox it's a super long train ride oh it was a pill ride for sure oh yeah yeah it's an eight hour train ride right i he was like just he mentioned xeno's paradox and then he said xeno's paradox is when quote you can't measure the future because it's already happened and you can't measure the past because we're in it right now and then he said i mean really think about it for a second and then um let me see all this a bunch of this stuff um he said unless we owe the casino as much money as possible these kids might not get an education i don't know what that was about then

he said john oliver is kind of flailing you ever see him flail trans women being men has anyone made a joke about that and he was like dead serious did he said he telling trans jokes he tried to think of one he was trying really hard he said uh what's with all these white gay guys pretending to be women and then he said hey how about this what's going on with that what are they doing what's the deal and it's a problem they want pity and pity is interesting because pity feels deserved but it's also given without explanation i cannot imagine ever working with a trans donald trump is not bad and then he said this is really where he goes off the rails he said i have such a funny joke that i can never tell and it's what

if hitler was the sweeping change we really needed it's such a funny idea he was such a tastemaker the joke is have you any of you ever even examined this and they're all like no but it makes them question their perceived notions and then he said mormons are huge e-commerce guys it's like jews with diamonds notion being that hitler is bad i love yeah yeah that's a perceived notion yeah yeah yeah it's not universal he said mormons are e-commerce guys which i think is kind of true actually absolutely true they're all exposed to their llcs and their yeah yeah lc yeah no meredith marks his husband seth marks is very much in that same vein right yes e-commerce then there was a huge pause um And he said, I guess, you know, I mean, I, you would never try to do comedy

and I would never try to go like do chiropracting on someone. So I was like, that's when it hit me. This friend he's been talking to this whole time has been a chiropractor for the last like hour and a half, which really tickled me a lot. I imagine going to a chiropractor and finding out that not only is it a completely fake medical practice but it's also a chiropractor who's besties with TJ Miller I disagree that it's a fake medical practice

okay great well we've discussed this before I feel like on the podcast very short answer I think it significantly changed my life with recovering from a serious back injury I didn't mean to hit the wrong button i'm sorry that was the wrong button jack sorry y'all y'all you're ben is the wrong button and he clicks himself every day wrong wrong wrong you you would be a bad secretary

ben not hessa i know i'm not talking about I would be good to buy because I'm a woman. Yes, of course. I mean, duh. Do you know how cute you would look in a Mad Men? Why would I be a bad secretary and Hessa would be a good one? Is it simply just because she's a woman? That seems a little... Well, you're pretty bad at typing and hitting buttons today. So it seems like, you know, I'm just trying to imagine you typing.

I think I'm pretty good at it. Hessa, yeah, let's go back to why you'd be a great secretary imagine Hessa full Mad Max clothing being like Mad Max I'm wearing a leather like a leather onesie I've got two bandoliers of shotgun shells across my chest you wish you smoked

weed Hessa you don't think you would look good like that you're getting Mad Men and Mad Max confused I said Mad Max instead of Mad Men yes I meant Mad Men Hesse you would look great as a Mad Max character too I would

see I would like I was tearing like when I watch Mad Men I'm like I want to be one of the guys though in that you know I would love to be I mean I really identify with Don Draper I love

you'd be a great criminal defendant thank you I would love to I don't know if there's criminal defendants in mad men but you would be an amazing lawyer genuinely a criminal defendant on svu right no i would love to be a lawyer and get murderers off of death row get rapists off of death

row and you know all that stuff but alas i am just a a meager podcast meager i am just a meager podcaster. Meager. I love that word, meager. It's so funny.

It always reminds me of Oregon Trail. Remember that game? Yeah, of course. I had so many daughters I had typhoid. Yeah. I didn't fucking care. It's a hard game. We should play Oregon Trail on the podcast and see who survives longest.

I think I can figure out who would be dying first yeah i've been in video games i don't know what the hell you're saying but you can never tell what the it's like jock has a mercer right we kind of are playing the modern day oregon trail which is keeping our um the modern day Oregon trail, which is keeping our, um, our, I'm not going to be me. Nevermind. Nevermind.

Jock is not the Mercer daughter of our Oregon trail. It's not true. Jock is a successful, beautiful, um, podcaster. Also comments about me feature, uh,

positive adjectives instead of negative. People are allowed to say whatever they want. Okay, I just started the Oregon Trail. Not under my government. Well, it's not your government. It will be soon. I'm going to travel the trail.

The revolution shall not be televised. Okay, guys. Are we a banker from Boston, a carpenter from Ohio, a farmer from Illinois? Which one? Farmer from Illinois. Banker from Boston. I'm doing farmer from Illinois. I'll be honest, I don't think any of us would be bankers.

First name of the wagon leader. What were the options again, Hessa? Farmer, banker. I already picked farmer, banker, and I forgot the other one. Ben Hesse. I feel like we'd spiritually be more of that. Yeah.

I'm going to put Ben Hesse Jacques Max and I'll do Jen. Why not? We have five names. Yes. Yes. Okay. It is 1848 you're jumping off place for oregon is independence missouri you must decide what month to leave independence march april may june or july

i think you guys you leave earlier yeah early as early as possible. March, April, June, or July. Well, March, you'd leave March. Springtime. Yes, queen! Before leaving Independence, you should buy your equipment. Okay, this is going to piss me off. I love equipment. I love your sock over your microphone. It looks so DIY.

I know, I lost my thingy. Okay, this is going to piss me off. This is starting to piss me off. I'm going to share my screen. I know I lost my thingy um okay this is gonna piss me off this is starting to piss me off I'm gonna share my screen maybe you can help me with this Ben because I am trying to

what would you like me to do Hazel I'm trying to help what we need to do is we need to budget right now I'm gonna share my screen and kill me now the organ trail so look we need

oxen I'm going to buy oxen I want so we only have $400 And it'd be $120 To get two oxen How many yolk do you want? I'm going to do four

Okay Food How much food do we want? 200 pounds of food for each person Well we're going to need to bring extra food for Jacques. Yeah, so 300. You smell white, nasty, smell like fat bitch. Yeah.

20 cents per pound. That's nothing. What the hell? So 200, 400, 600, 800, 1,000. I'm going to do 1,200. 1,200 pounds. How's that? Wow, we spent all of our money.

I'm going to change my oxen amount. Clothing. We might need to take our food down because we're not going to be, our bill so far is 320 and we need to, we've allotted $400 total and we're not going to be we our bill so far is 320 and we need to we've allotted 400 total and we're gonna we've already spent 240 or so just food so we're gonna need to take about 40 to 60 worth of our food budget and use that for ammunition and spare parts. Okay, I'm going to bring down the food. This is great podcasting, by the way.

What's going on? Gail King said faggotry on the morning show. Do you guys think that Gail King should be allowed to say faggotry? I, of course, think that, yes, she's a public lesbian. Yeah, she's reading something. Of course, Gail King. Are you joking? It was a quote. Well, people are mad at her.

Like, that's ridiculous. Right. let her say faggotry i mean i've always said of course everyone is allowed to say faggot or faggotry especially if you're saying faggotry no one's saying faggotry while homophobic also you're racist if you're telling what a black woman can say. Period. Right. I mean, simple, you know. How many wagon axles? How many wagon tongues? What the hell is a wagon tongue? I'm going to be wagging my tongue

if you know what I mean. So $30 on ammunition. $30. Wait, how many boxes do we want? Each box costs $2. We have $30 left. That means you can. $30. Or wait, how many boxes do we want? Each box costs $2. We have $30 left. That means you can get $15. Okay, we'll get $15. Okay.

Guys, we're on our way. Oh my god, the music. Okay. That's so loud. That's so loud that's so loud menu at the top i'm trying to close out i'm trying to close out no just click menu and kill me now okay sorry guys so i guess we're not playing oregon trail that was really i didn't think there was any music we can't we can't even play it now we could play it there's just a button that we'll have to play in another episode yeah well i had to close out very quickly what did you have what did you have to eat today

today i had a single pancake four pieces of bacon hash browns and that was it interesting and I had a Celsius which is really uncommon for me but I needed a high caffeine count beverage instead I couldn't find a Bing in time see I think like the it's

more just noise in the background with the sound board if we do it if you do it so often. You know? It's got to be more... Alright, I'm just addicted to my new toy. That's fine. I just want to... We've got some new shit on the show.

Yeah, no, I love it. I'm just giving my... Honest reaction about how it's going to come out. Well, we'll see. I think it's going to be a good episode. I told my big tj miller story it's episode 400 y'all we have to we have to fucking push the envelope we knew for our 400th episode it was time we play that music again uh which this woman this song is called fat music it's the song that they play for For some reason, it's all sped up.

It's a song they play whenever they make a fat lady try on a dress in Queer Eye. But there's something about that saxophone or tuba that became so anonymous. I couldn't hear any saxophone or tuba. It might have clipped out. That opening. No, there's nothing.

Yeah, it's nothing. It's just done. It'll probably be in the mix. But it's that kind of like big, brassy, thick chica from the early 2000s. Like Adele did this. It's kind of like the Amy Winehouse sound. But there's a woman named Duffy who did like a swing revival oh i yeah duffy i remember duffy right and then that became somehow like the when you got me begging you for mercy yeah yeah whenever you

get like a big busty woman on you have people's tiny though right i don't know spiritually fat um but it's just funny to me that they use like a big brass band on a queer eye whenever they have a woman of size try on a dress he's gorgeous yeah definitely iconic um well what's in the news guys i didn't look at any topics today let me me look up the topics. News, news. I was building my accessibility device. Well, Katy Perry's family has refused to go to her funeral. Period. Okay, wait.

Actually, let's get back to the Katy Perry. Because she has a deeply Christian family who believes it's against God to go to heaven or against God to go to space or something yes they think that her because her body's in space it is the domain of uh the front to god and angels because she's not yes yes yes yes she tried to fly with the angels katie pair is always someone who should have been like a um acoustic um like christian camp counselor and then something her fate went off the tracks for some reason and now she's in space for for literally i mean i know i said it but it was literally like five minutes i know she's still up

there well let's let's bring up the incredible new surprise beef of the century between Katy Perry and Wendy's where... No, we're not bringing that up. I'm not talking... I'm not giving a social media manager at Wendy's any attention. Oh, is it because some gay guy at Wendy's was like, y'all should just stay up there. Yeah, well, it's funny because she really is apparently acting

offended about it and like they're trying to ask for an apology it's just something so unserious if you're like a maker superstar like that and you can't even handle the the the wendy's not liking you i mean there's like eight different fast food restaurants you can go to this is bullshit it's exactly what they want is for us to talk about wendy's and katie but what really got the an example of that i don't think it's bullshit that was annoying to me was the uh girl from white lotus getting made fun of for her teeth and being like it's actually terrible for snl to do this and i'm on her side i I'm on Amy Lou's side 100%. Who cares? I care. I care a lot about White Lotus.

I care a lot about White Lotus and Amy Lou. I like the show. I love the show. She's great in it. Of course, anyone's allowed to be made fun of. I think she endured a lot of secret set trouble as far as I hear from the filming between

her and Walter Scoggins I think there was just Walter Scoggins Walter Scoggins had they were close together on the set and then after filming wrapped they like unfollowed each other from each other's social medias and like

so what does that mean to you that they had some kind of understand like there's this thing about like if you like a product or you like a show or you enjoy someone's piece of art you literally need to like keep up with every single part of their life and they're like internal emotions as you understand them as a consumer of like mass media that has nothing to do with consumption finish my thought please that is like so schizophrenic and like deeply unwell which is why sorry okay i think well i've invested in the actors that did a good job in the show that i like so i want to know that there's still you need the actress to be happy all the time it's weird because she'll probably make better movies and and and tv

shows if she's happy i just why do you think like so that's you don't care about her as a person i care about her as a person and i care about her as a person because she's a star one of my favorite television shows and i want her to do well in her other job she's not gonna what do you think she's gonna kill herself because snl yeah no fake teeth like just a supporter that's me something something i've noticed is that it's been happening a lot more with this season of white lotus than i've ever seen it before with any other show like in the past like several years like you don't see any of this shit about severance or like anything else and i think it's just because people who are on super online and on tiktok and who are obsessed with shows think that the white lotus season three is boring

and they all are like well we need some drama to latch on to we need something to care about i didn't think it was boring i just think it is like the show itself is no longer the topic of discourse because it's boring you have to come up with this like para discourse about amy whatever being made fun of by snl like yeah i just reject it it was by the way it's the best season of the show so far honestly i honestly think the first season is my favorite taking just i'm so exhausted by the this like mode of culture consumption where you just have to constantly like ranking things you're reviewing things it was better than it wasn't as good as that the fandom of it's just like y'all need to get a fucking life and think about your family and think about your friends and go outside it doesn't fucking matter that it does matter it's just a good tv show you're such a

little bitch about it you're such a little bitch about it you're like everyone enjoys this and is having a good time so i have to reject it because i'm having a bad time they actually don't enjoy it if they're spending hours of it on a day i enjoy it i don't give a shit about the other fans okay all right i don't need you i think i think you just there this extremely personally kind of shows what i'm saying but yeah no way i know because you're saying that it's the only reason that white lotus is good is because of the consumption and like what i'm saying is this that people are too emotionally invested in the tv shows they watch i'm emotionally invested in everything i do so i don't think it's fair to say that it's one

thing. It wasn't about you, but you made it about you. No, because you were like, this show is bad for these reasons, and I disagree with it. I don't think the show is bad. You know who my favorite actor was, Jacques, in the show, in White Lotus?

My favorite new arrival. Patrick Schwartzenegger patrick schwarzenegger patrick schwartzman yeah jason schwartzman's son patrick i know yeah i know it's adam schwartzman or whatever what's his name schwarzenegger you said adam schwartzman you do not you did not you did that on purpose i didn't do that i swear to jesus and god that i didn't do that on purpose i really did not do that on purpose i said something else crazy recently adam schwarzman that was similar i am adam schwarzman sounds like the name of an accountant what's this what's the

arnold schwarzenegger parody character in the simpsons oh uh mcbain yeah mcbain rainer wolfcastle is the is the actor mcbain is the name of the character rainer that's the guy who voices him rainer no i rainer wolfcastle is the name of our the arnold schwarzenegger character oh my god he plays a movie character named mcbain that they call him the most he's like the jean-claude van damme guys i have a little announcement before we end the show here um I am starting a bonus series on the Patreon. It's going to be called, um, interior motives. And I haven't,

I haven't put out a full, um, pitch for it yet because I kind of want to pilot a little bit with the audience, but it's this, um, I'm going to ask for a three 60 video of your bedroom. And a photo of the inside of your fridge.

I know you think that might be invasive but guess what we don't know who you are we're guessing who you are we're going to guess your gender your age your sexuality and where you live based off of the things in your room and based on how your fridge looks so i have a google form our beautiful intern natalia is helping me out with this one um yeah, yeah. And if you can only, if you only feel comfortable sending one or the other, just do that. Like,

and both, don't they have to send both? They have to send both. Yeah. Cause for the, like for the pilot, I wanted like, I want to do both.

And the Google form is only going to allow you to send all of this. We'll have enough people who are willing to send both. so send both. Um, and if we'll modify it, if you will want to, but I think if, if they'll send one, they'll probably send the other. if people don't want to but I think if they'll send one they'll probably send the other don't make it up be natural about it

and there'll be a google form link in the show description so just go send us all of your data there and then we'll guess based off things in your room based off the state of your fridge your age gender sexuality and place where you live I wanted to do race and i understand

that that's like a little too insane so we're not doing race yeah as of now um but i might decide to i don't know we'll see but that is going to be due hopefully out next week so if you want to be a part of it um oh also of course you will have to attach a selfie because there will be a reveal that none of us will be aware of this is why Natalia is helping me process all these intakes send a selfie and I feel like that really reduces

the odds of people sending something I think it would be my project I want to see how it's going to go but I think it will be worth it and think we found and i think people will send their selfie we'll shout out your instagram include your instagram at uh there'll be a entry for that as well so you'll get a shout out and not everyone will want to do it but i think enough people want to do it that'll be fun um and please comment if you're interested

in us running an outpatient mental health facility in new york we're more i. Okay, I have a real thing to say. Also, if anyone has any questions for my Uncle Columbo, I promise I would try to do an episode. I'll post an email for him. Yeah, let me know. Yeah, so.

We love. Medical setbacks have pushed back me and Jilly's long-awaited real housewives and return jock and jilly episode and if you still have any questions for me and jilly about dating and it um and love but also about um mostly real housewives and us to have an opinion about real housewives isn't this a Real Housewives sound? That's from like all sorts of shows. I think that specifically is the RuPaul drag race sound, I feel like. Well, the RuPaul's drag race

one has a like at the end of it. That's a different sound. It's like two put together. I see. A lot of this is... love this one this one really expresses ben could you put um the dorothy ashby on there i need to have room i need to figure out how to like i might get a bigger i might get a bigger there should be a way where you can press one

of the buttons and it switches all the buttons to their secondary function so that you could have like one button with two two different and this is the sound that we were trying to get oh right that's different it's called the shade sound that's also from rupaul but they do the other one too i think right yes queen yes queen okay well fabulousness and we love y'all thank y'all so much for listening today jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline

jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline jacqueline Woo! Yes! I think we might have skipped like 50 or 60 at some point, but... Shh! No one has to know, Hessa. Don't ruin it. I think it was just like five. I hope it wasn't 50.

There was a... Yes. We'll see. Some of our episodes... I'm pretty sure we went from like 209 to 300 or something. I want to really quickly, before we leave, explain how we did that. It's because the episode that we put out was so powerful that it was worth several different episodes.

Okay, we'll love y'all. Subscribe to our Patreon and if you don't already and buy all of our lives from us. We're cheap to buy. Bye! What the? You can purchase us now. all of our lives from us. We're cheap to buy. Lives? Bye!

What the? You can purchase us now. Exactly. Alright, bye everyone. Bye! Ya lo sé, mi amor no te interesa Y es mejor que por fin reconozcan lo que soy Y me aleje de ti Amor, tú entendiste mi vida Ya lo sé, mi amor no te interesa Y es mejor que por fin reconozcan lo que soy

Y me aleje de ti Corazón, sin querer no puedes Corazón, por favor decirlos Que al amor se le pasa el tiempo No quiero quedarme solo en el camino Dime ya por qué me da miedo Bye.