Seeking Derangements - SD 403 - Friendship Test

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

It's S-S-Seeking Sunday! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I discuss Kanye West giving his own cousin head, all of the things in Jacques' life which have prepared him to fight a gorilla, and witness the return of the soundboard. Plus we ask each other questions designed to reveal how well we actually know each other. And play the Oregon Trial again.

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Que te cambió Por otro amor Welcome everyone, that will be Edmund out. This is Seeking Derangements. It's Ben, your host, here with Jock and Tessa, as always. Being silenced. This is a... Ten seconds into the episode. You screamed.

You just screamed. That's all cute. That's it. Being silenced yet again. Welcome to the free episode of Seeking Derangements. If you'd like to hear more, go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash seeking derangements. Subscribe there. Do not subscribe through Apple or Spotify.

Actually, you can subscribe through Spotify. Apple has a subscription thing. Don't subscribe through Apple. Fuck Apple. Don't have them out. What's the issue? Can I please speak? Just go through our Patreon for our entire bonus

episodes, back catalog, and weekly regular episodes as well. Nothing will be different about this episode. I just want Jock and Hussies to know that I did retire the soundboard. The soundboard will not be coming back ever again. You said that already, which is...

Yeah, I don't believe one damn thing you say, you fucking Elmer Fudd-ass Iowa bitch. Let's get to some news. I am still in Manhattan. I'm in the Lower East Side right now. Actually, in the East Village. But, Jock, there's something that happened recently that I want an opinion on. Kanye West made a song where he was sucking his cousin's penis. What do you think about that?

I think it's pretty gay that he sucked his cousin's dick this is the one the one kanye thing that you have nothing to say about is him saying i suck my cousin okay okay okay can i can i be real for real of course i wanted to like like all jokes aside i think whatever the fuck happened to him is like probably like he's he's made a song about it he's talking about it and people are gonna make fun of it but i've if it was anyone else you'd be like oh my god that's just so that's oh that's that's terrible or that's like that's so inappropriate like well i am saying that about him doing that. Right. Yeah.

I guess I just think people's first reaction is just to... I even did it. I guess I said he was gay, but... It's just like... I don't know. First of all, I didn't expect him to put out a rock, emo-sounding kind of song. The song kind of has that little quality of it. Second, his followup tweet on the same subject was that he had his mouth wired shut

when he, from not because of the car accident, because he was addicted to sucking dick. Which is so funny. The, I, cause it is like it, that's, it is kind of plausible

that a doctor in LA would be like, oh, there's a doctor who will wire your jaw shut so you can stop sucking dick. I mean, they do need that. They kind of need that more places, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe San Francisco. Right, and New York, and LA. I have a new soundboard to try out. I have my radio here. And the Columbia radio station. I'm saying a lot of shit about you right now, Hassan, the soundboard. Okay.

Wait, so you do sound... Okay. We'll see if it works. The Columbia... Because the Columbia radio station is doing a modernist like janice uh uh you know type uh christoph pendrecki marathon so if i just turn on my radio and turn it off real quick with the mic held up to the speaker maybe we'll get some cool

wow appropriate, noise artist. Bodied. Just bodied. I don't think so, bitch. I don't think so, honey. Can I make a statement? Go ahead. This is background music for you. Every time that a soundboard is used on the podcast from now on,

I'll be stabbing myself three times with a knife. So we only, you know, I'm basically dead. That was perfect timing. Well, everyone say goodbye to Jock because he will be killing himself. But! What in the scary fuck are you playing?

Stop scaring me. I don't like to be scared on the podcast. This is a place where we're supposed to bond as friends, not bond as... Well, it's a place where we make entertainment for our loyal subscribers, but I understand that's how you understand it. I love the idea of you responding to my refusal

to communicate through my voice and only using a soundboard. You respond to that by getting a 1950s radio. Not talking in sound. only talking through the radio you're like you're acting like a radio for a while you're like a schizophrenic person in an asylum who just holds up a radio and is like it's talking for me exactly when i was impatient there was like there was a guy who was huge this huge guy and he would uh i think i might have told this on the pod before but he i was and this guy would every like day there would be music time for a little bit and if anyone played a song other than that song that's like don't you got a reason to live if anyone played a different song that he would

have to be like fucking hate that song he would have to be put down with thorazine like they'd have to inject him before you get five orderlies hold him up to a wall screaming so funny it's like damn dude i want to oh i should get some orderlies there should be five orderlies monitoring me and prodding me with different needles during the recording. Yeah, with a big butterfly net. That's what I try to do, and it doesn't work. I don't know. Wait, what do you want, Jock?

This is also another question. It's a question that's too stupid to ask us, so I'll ask you. It would be disrespectful to ask us this question. I'm already pissed. Don't make me. A lot of people this week have been talking about who would win in a fight between 100 gorillas and one man.

No, one gorilla and 100 gorillas. Oh, right. Sorry. I'm doing too many. Don't get me mad already about the biggest political debate in the nation. 100 men versus one gorilla. Sorry, I feel like I'm riding one of those bikes where you sit down and you're also pedaling with your hands right now,

like recording and using a soundboard. So I'm really scattered. But, Jock, you know what I'm saying. 100 men versus one gorilla. What's your take on the big news of the week? Personally, this is my first thing. If I'm one of the men,

I think you'd be one of the gorillas. First of all, it's one gorilla. Second of all, there's not multiple gorillas. So get the equation down. It's one gorilla per 100 humans. If I'm one of the humans, I'm fighting with the gorilla. I'm

defecting from humanity, going with the apes. And me and the ape, I use my fucking brute strength and I knock every dang guy out. Who's gonna win? A hundred men could not beat a gorilla because a hundred men about 50 a really good one 50 of

them would leave right 50 of them would leave what do you mean 50 of them would be scared have you ever been chased by a giant gorilla have you no but it's it's similar to situations i've been in and i feel like what's just what's the most similar to situations I've been in, and I feel like it's just... What's the most similar situation that you've been in to this? Family dinner? A giant villain chasing me? What giant villain?

There's a giant villain in your life? Well, I mean, there was a giant villain. No, that guy's, like, short and stubby. I'm talking, like, someone with the build i he's got the build of the rock dwayne johnson he was yeah chasing after me with the with the baseball bat you're making something up right now why am i making something up immediately i don't know i don't know when you make something up i don't know why you would why is it totally it's totally feasible that you have a villain in your life.

Why would there be a fake story? Well, can you tell the story? Tell the story. Yeah, I want to hear the story. Who's the villain? I'm not going to get into the details of who this guy was because it's not...

Don't give me that bullshit. Y'all, okay. I'm just asking a simple question about the story and you're... Okay, fine. In high school, I owed this guy money for drugs and i did not want to pay and he was chasing me around his house with a baseball bat and then he chased me out of the backyard you were in his house and you didn't want to pay for the drugs yeah i did them and then i i was in

you know i did them and then you just you didn't try to leave you just like no i mean i did try to leave leave, and she was chasing me out. Right. Is this that difficult of a scenario to believe? I don't know why I'm having to sell my truth. It can be difficult to comprehend. I think I buy it. I think I buy it.

No, it makes sense. It makes sense. It checks out to me. I guess that's kind of like having to beat up a gorilla with 99 other men, I guess. I don't really know. Okay, let me think of a better situation. There was this summer camp that I used to work at, and it was like the counselors versus the campers in a water balloon war.

And there was maybe like six or seven counselors and like 100-something kids. And we gave the kids like 20 water balloons and we had like hundreds and we were inside of a of a school building and we were throwing them out of the school building at the kids and pelting them in the face and uh this one water balloon came in and it hit this autographed picture of Warren Storm, the teacher's mentor and hero. Who's Warren Storm? Who the fuck is Warren Storm? Warren Storm is the...

That's like a male stripper name. He's a Cajun... Instead of dressing up like a copy dresser... Cajun Swampop Storm. Instead of dressing up like a copy dresser, he's like a slave owner. Warren Storm. Say it again. Put the knife away, Chuck. Instead of dressing up like a copy dresser, it's like a slave owner. Say it again. Put the knife away, Jock.

The knife in the meeting is my new favorite tool to... I mean, it's definitely... The funny thing about it is, Jock, you're the only one in the room with the knife, bitch. Yeah, you're the only one who can be harmed by it. This is a cyber knife, and it activates a knife in your room okay it does the same thing i'm staring at a knife right now that's it's not moving around there's a knife in my room that keeps stabbing the wall that it's right in front of over and over again yeah yeah he's accidentally

stabbing itself um well we did plan a few things for today. We have, we've all designed questions to see how well we know each other. But before we get to that... Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I thought they were just 10 questions. Yeah. Oh, you just wrote general questions

that have nothing to do with getting to know you? Oh, I mean, no, no. They're very, I just didn't go into it. Are you just asking, like, are the sun and the moon the same thing no they're not like facts or science or like questionnaire I think either way these questions are going to be entertaining

I just didn't think of it like you didn't think of it no for sure a test yeah yeah no I did think shut the fuck up you stupid whore bitch um okay other than the questions though I did want to return to the oregon trail because i do want to see which of us will survive so i do i did so we're literally

just we're fully redoing one of our most hated episodes from scratch we're just redoing it let's go okay i'm continue we're continuing on the trail right now let's see okay is this game really this boring oh wait yes okay i never really played it so we're moving her along we're moving along we've got ben me jock max and what do i look like what I look like? There's no images of people. Wait, we're bringing Max? This is so old. Yeah, we have Max. Max is a foundational member of the show, bitch. Can we just trade him out? To look around.

I want two more exciting people in our thing. Okay, I'm at the Kansas River Crossing, okay? This is great. I'm going to continue on the trail. Okay. Oh, I must cross the river. I remember this game being a lot more exciting yeah it's definitely not exciting okay i'm going to once again i'll be a fairy i'm taking the fairy across you're a fairy no that's ben he's a fairy okay we're taking a ferry across why is ben taking a dump in the middle of the meeting

i don't know i don't think ben's doing that i can't see i can hear that noise you hear that you hear that noise of like toilet paper to ass i just really want jog to die of dysentery i was gonna say that i literally was gonna say that if we keep playing this game, I'm just going to die of dysentery just like a real life. Well, yeah, you're definitely the first one down. Even though I would much rather our former HR person, Bernadette, be fucking murdered by a bunch of oxen or something. Why would Bernadette and Max on this trip? They'd probably think that Bernadette was one of them, if you know what I'm saying.

We're forwarding the next river, you guys. We're fording it. I think we should have brought Gail and Katie. I think that would have been fun, honestly. I don't know the fuck that would have been. Guys, Max drowned. Max just drowned trying to cross the river. Oh, hell no.

That ain't right. See, this is what I love. So I told y'all he was dead weight. Helping us back on this damn Oregon Trail. We ain't going to get too far in this wagon. Should we start asking the questions? Yeah. Let's get to those dang questions.

We can do the questions. Yeah. And we can periodically all return to the trail. We'll be back on the trail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so bad, y'all. I selected all and deleted, but then I undid it. So I got my questions back.

Wow. That's so wonderful. You're such a computer genius. Can we do two questions back to back? No. One by one. It's so much. No.

No. You can go first, though. We better do all 10 questions or I'm going to get asked. Well, why don't you go first then, Diva? Go, go, go. Explain a moment where you fell out of control in your life. So we're supposed to be, these questions are supposed to be about

they're supposed to be about your personality. You're so bad at reading and comprehending the minimal planning we do for this podcast. It's like actually insane. No, shut those thoughts up. And then you just start to be like, what's my favorite color? Right, it's questions about ourselves. Listeners, if you don't like my questions please go it's also it's about what your co-hosts like and don't like and what we planned and didn't plan does that make sense okay fine fine fine fine fine

here here can you just let me read the next question then please okay i guess we're skipping that one because you're not you don't like it and it's not good enough for you. It's not that we don't like it. It's that we set something up. Well, let's just answer that question. Let's humor it. No, no, no. What's the question? I'm sure the next question is exactly what we envisioned, Hes.

Yeah, yeah. It's exactly. It's the same type of thing that we're asking for. Invent a reality show and describe the premise. Will you be a contestant or a host? You've asked us this question on the podcast before, though. No, I have not. No, I have not.

Your little pea brain got bleached out, and you're thinking about something that did not happen. Okay, fine. If neither of those questions are good, I will move on to the next one. You've asked us all these. Are these all questions you've asked us before? These are all questions I've asked before. These are not questions I've asked us all these. Are these all questions you've asked us before? These are all questions.

These are all questions. These are not questions I've asked ever. Okay. I really am getting mad. Jacques, maybe if Ben and I ask each other questions. Yeah, why don't we show you? You're more leading by example than you are planning or comprehending things. We got to show you.

My questions aren't good enough. I'm so sorry. It's not that they're not good enough, Jacques. I can only say this one more time, and I hope you can listen and comprehend. We set up this to be questions about ourselves that are supposed to reveal how well we know each other. Yeah, it's a friendship test.

Does that make sense? Just an easy yes or no. He's realizing right now. I'm not realizing. i'm just sitting here i'm genuinely asking you if that made sense because if it's not i need to do a better job at um relaying information to you i just let's let me just hear your questions just go to your questions yeah yeah i'm done with your your little your little Spanish Inquisition, you fucking... Here's my first question. Okay, Asa. And let's have a pause before.

And I want Jacques... I want to see if Jacques knows the answer to this one. Because Ben, you didn't know the answer to this one for a little while, but you eventually learned it. What is my brother's name? It's like Siamese or something. Siamese? It's like...amese or something siamese it's like uh

god it's like literally it's like something like some no it's not someone do you mean siamese as if it as if it's a name from like siam or no i feel like it sounded like siamese or sesame or something like that. It begins with an S, I'm pretty sure. Sesame. Hess's non-binary brother named Sesame. Stulio. It's like Italian. I know it. Yeah, Ben knows it.

Do you want to say it, Ben? Sal. I knew it was Italian. You were close with Siamese and Sesame. He was really nice. I never thought he wasn't nice. He's a very sweet boy.

Shout out to Sal. Do you want to do mine now? And Jack, does this make sense to you? Maybe you can just think of some on the spot then. No. Well, your questions don't fit into the format. We'll answer your questions unless you've asked them before,

like the reality TV show. No, I have not asked that before. I'm going to go back through my questions and look. Okay. Great. Well, Ben, why don't you ask? If I were to fake my own death, what country would I resurface in? And what would my disguise be?

What would I do for work? This is not a factual. This is a hypothetical. But I have the correct answer in my mind. Okay. If you were to fake your own death, what country? What country would I resurface in and what would my disguise be?

Okay. Jock, you can answer this one too. I'm going to say Israel, Tel Aviv. Your disguise would be a Hasidic Jew and you would be a pedophile for work. You would be a pedophile. You know me so well. You know me so well. Jock, do you have an answer?

I'm confused with the question. It's about what race you want to be. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. If I were to fake my own death, you're one of the best podcasters of all time. Shut the fuck up, Ben. I'm a very revered podcast.

I'm giving you a compliment. Very sarcastic. Jock, I genuinely believe that you are one of the best podcasters of all time and you're very good at your job. Your sarcasm is very brooding and rude. So let's ask the question and get on with it. If I were to... Well, being prepared is nice.

If I were to fake my own death... Shut the fuck up, bitch. Just ask the goddamn question, you stupid shithead whore. question and get if i were to well be prepared is nice if i were to fake my own death up bitch just ask the goddamn question always the last word on everything if i were to fake my own death what country would i resurface in and what would my disguise be you wouldn't know and i wouldn't get tell you because i want to disappear and be done with you too. Wow. That's crazy. Wait, Ben, can I give a real answer? Yeah, please give a real answer after that complete non-answer.

What the hell is that? Okay, I would move to China. Chuck, not about you. Jesus. Okay, I'm guessing not Costa Rica probably. No. Yeah. Probably a Spanish-speaking country. No. Yeah. Probably a Spanish-speaking country.

Yes. Yes. I'm gonna say Brazil. I want to go to Colombia outside of Medellin. Okay. Okay. And my disguise would be a farmer. Who parties? Who parties? The party

in Fama. Period. Yes. So be a farmer. Who parties. The party in Pharma. Period. So a cocaine farmer. Maybe. Perhaps. Perhaps. Who knows? Okay, Jock. Does this model make sense to you?

As much as it did before. I don't understand how these... What's your next question? I don't understand how these what's your next question I don't understand how the questions aren't like revealing about the personality about your personality no about yours I'm asking you the question

how would I if I ask a question and then you answer it how the fuck does that do it it shows what you know about us it's to test how well we know you it's to test how well we know you so It's to test how well we know you. So you could say, what's my favorite color? And maybe my favorite color is blue.

And if you say green, you're wrong because the answer is blue. Pink lemonade, I'm guessing, is your favorite color. Fine, fine, fine. Trivia of myself. Okay, fine. Yes. What famous New York retail institution did I get my head stuck in the revolving door at age 12?

I know this. Okay, wait, let me guess if you know it. Yeah, guess, Hessa. I'm guessing Barney's. No, you idiot. God, Saks Fifth Avenue? No, two wrong answers in a row? Are you stupid? Ben, move on. Too high rent. Too high rent. Wait, give me one more guess.

No, it's still high rent. I think here, think of the age. And maybe, Jack, tell her what time of year it was. Well, it was like two months after 9-11. Which is what time of year? Would that be around Christmas? Would that be... I'm not a mathematician. F.A.O. Schwartz.

Yes. Okay, got it, got it. He got his head stuck in a revolving guard, F.A.O. Schwartz. got his head stuck in a revolving guard F.A.O. Schwartz That's amazing, see Jack, that's the kind of question that we need Does that make sense? Let's all do the same thing Let's all do trivia about ourselves

Hesse, it's your turn Okay, it's my turn What is my favorite movie? Or one of them Anything in the top five. Too many. I don't know. Your favorite movie is Baby Geniuses.

No. Super Baby Geniuses. Boss Baby? No. It's not Baby Driver either. Mascator? By the way, my landlord started that Tornado Short. Wow. not tornado short mass gator by the way my my landlord was started in that tornado short

wow wow you live with a famous person it's so cool that you will share a room with the famous actor i'm sure he's really started as a huge asterisk after it right i share a building here's a connected unit trying to think of your favorite don't know, is it like a Fellini movie? Just like anything from my top like 10, let's say. If it's Megapolis, I'm done friends with you. You're done friends with me? I'd be done friends with you. I hate that movie.

Give me a hint. A hint? I've tried to get you to watch it before. Oh, The Matrix? Yeah, that's one answer. Never happened to me. Why would you watch that, Ben? Just because I don't care.

Jacques, can you guess another movie on the list? So aggravating that Ben's like, I can't watch it because I just don't care. It's not that I hate it, I just don't care about it. Jacques, there are movies on the list that you and i have talked about before nowhere nowhere is further down the list but it's oh i'll give you nowhere um no no let me think let me really think about this in a serious sense like what would have so

what what's that movie where uh the woman gets her arms and legs cut off after the accident oh boxing helena yeah that's very you no i hate that movie okay um directed by david lynch's daughter yeah wait is that really yeah is david lynch on there mahalo drive inland empire inland empire is number one on the list. Inland Empire is number one. Actually, wait. I don't even need to do that anymore. I can just... You can press the button.

On your invisible soundboard that we can't hear. For the listeners, we cannot hear. I'm so aggravated. I'm maybe not even using it. Who knows? No, you're probably not he's using it

he's making that fucking face he does where he purses his lips and goes when he presses the buttons there might be a technical error where it doesn't even show up there may very well be a technical error my audacity is also recording your two tracks which I didn't realize would happen

so that's probably going to be an issue I can fix it will be a technical error. My audacity is also recording your two tracks, which I didn't realize would happen, so we'll see. Okay, yeah, so that's probably going to be an issue. I can fix it. So, well, I think it's fair to say I was right and Jocko's wrong. My question now, let me find one of mine.

Oh, okay, so let's say I kidnap someone. What snack would I give them so they think I'm one of the good captors? You know, if I'm trying to induce Stockholm Syndrome on someone I've kidnapped. What snack would I give them so I seem like a benevolent criminal? Okay, so I watched an episode of SVU recently, and they had this kind of situation where there was a italian woman who was in custody and the stable was trying to get some information for her and he

said my wife said you probably wouldn't like this this this ugly this gross ass food and he brought her a plate of italian pasta and she said oh i don't believe you that that happens in SVU. That's insane. Why would that happen? It is in law and order criminal intent. I believe it. Why not? Not criminal intent.

Excuse me. Organized crime. Organized crime. And second, why is everything I say today met with disbelief? Can you two take the lies out of your ears? Is it because y'all are so used to lying? Can you just understand why that's a crazy a crazy it doesn't it has a does do you understand i think you stopped the question there i don't think i don't think there's

an answer you can give you speaking of there was a fire in the wagon we lost 350 oh my god italian woman in svU stabler feeds. Where are you keeping them? You're keeping them at your old apartment in Chinatown? Yeah, it's my apartment. Or maybe in a warehouse or something. Let's say for the sake of the question, yes, it's in my apartment.

Okay, and I know that you're not going to try, you're not going within a few blocks from your apartment because you want them to think you're one of the good captors, but not that much. It's not that much. You don't want to put that much effort in.

I would say maybe you get them a cannoli from down the street. Okay. Or a, no, no, no, not a cannoli. cannoli from down the street or a no no no not a cannoli um i was looking more of things that are in my already in the apartment oh okay okay um maybe a pomegranate okay no that's kind of cruel because then you they would have to like open it like open it yeah they would have to make a mess um and then one of the bad captors would no doubt scold them and yell at them and harm them. Really good idea

for the captors. Fondue. Fondue. They would be able to use the stick and kill you. There's a flame in front of them. A pot full of boiling boiling cheese well no no it's like the number one worst thing like literally like if you were in an escape room and someone handed you like a bunch of keys well you asked what the best gift

the best meal the captor could give to them so jock I, it's me. It's me, Ben. Yes. A bit just out of stroke. Ben's face is in his hands. He's having a difficult time. Explain it, then I'm ready. I literally did, but I will ask the question again, and please pay attention and do this bit with us.

So if I were a captor, what snack would I give my kidnap, the person I kidnapped, to try to make them like me? Uncrustables, because they're kids you've kidnapped. Okay. Okay, that's pretty good. I think you would probably make some kind of chicken dish or something, maybe.

So you're all wrong. I would give them my famous anchovy pepitas which I always have on hand oh really good pepitas yes it's actually very delicious and everyone loves it when they try them that actually sounds delicious I like it it's really good pepitas but not you know what now I feel good that I've never tried them because I know you're not kidnapping me you don't have me right I feel good that I've never tried them because I know you're not kidnapping me. You don't have me hostage. Right, and I don't feel the need to win you over because you're bound and gagged on my floor.

You two are some weird perverts. You understand my danger as a captured person. Right, right. Okay, Jock, it is your turn to try to figure out what the hell we're doing today. Why don't you take a shot at it? Give a question to y'all? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Here we go. What is my father's nickname? When he was in prison or when he- My father was never in in prison, you motherfucker. The Pussy Master. Your dad's probably in prison for stealing the damn coconut. Shut the fuck up. Your dad's nickname.

I know his name is Whitney. Is his name Wit? No. Whitey? Black Robert? No. White. White. White. no whitey black robert no white dwight white white lauren three letters i'll give you a hint it's three gay fag you got one letter right the first one uh from fag fat no Fat? No. The first letter is G. It's not gay. Governor? Gun? Gov? Gun?

Gooch? Three letters! Gooch is not three letters! Three letters gay. Gus? Yes. It's Gus. Gus Gons. Gus Gons.

It's just Gus. They don't call him Gus Gons. Gus Gons. No, it's just Gus. They don't call him Gus Gons. Okay. Ben is correct. Hessa, let's get your question. Okay, let's get my question. I have typhoid also in the Oregon Trails. Oh, my God.

In real life, too? No, no, no. I'm so sorry, Hessa. I've just been wondering what caused that hair color change. Mine get a little bit. Who is my favorite musician? Swans? Oh, it's probably an Italo Disco guy.

No, wait. Okay, Hessa, you showed me him like months ago. And it's, oh my God. It was like this in our. Is it like a guy who does soundtracks it's someone you know it's you know who this is i personally know them no no it's someone you know i am also aware of you're definitely aware of them they're one of my famous am i a fan of them i don't know know, actually. Is it a DJ? No. It's a musician?

Yeah. Like analog or digital? Analog. They were in a band. This is so hard. Charlie XCX. A very popular band in the past. And then he did his own thing? Well, he created another band and then he did his own thing? Well, he created another band, and then he did his own thing.

Morrissey. Is it Morrissey? Morrissey? No, not Morrissey. Trying to say it wrong. Like one of those TikToks where it's like a foreign person trying to say triangle. Morrissey, Morrissey, Morrissey. Yes.

You said it right the first time. Nancy Nova. Damn. Nancy Nova. No. It's a man. But I do love Nancy. It's a man. DJ Hooligan.

Lou Reed? No. Do you give up? No, don't. Give me a hint. I'll give you a hint. Give me a better hint. You never give me your money.

Is that Jonathan Richman? No, John Lennon. No, no. I'm pretty sure Hess's favorite dude is John Lennon. I've heard her talk on and on about it. It's Paul McCartney. It's Paul McCartney. What the fuck?

I ain't ever heard this bitch talk once about pm shut the fuck yeah so full of it pm i call him pm by the way we're pretty close it's like when you call your celebrity name your celebrity friend by their first name to all your friends and they're like who are you talking about and i'm like oh yeah you know um okay i was talking about that yeah i was talking about that last night with um there's a director named apichapong we are set the cool who's like uh uh thai famous thai director and he's like um whenever critics meet him and talk to him they always call him joe they're like i actually call him joe he told me it was okay for me to call him i was talking to joe the other me it was okay for me to call him i was talking to

joe the other day also probably because i meant like i definitely disrespects you doesn't expect any more of you than to like you know doesn't doesn't expect to be able to say his name yeah exactly trying to find the correct answer by scrolling back through all of me and hessa's text messages looking through every time she sent me a youtube link. And I got all the way back to May 21st, 2022 at 12.08 PM. And I said, you should check this out. And it's Will.i.am. Check it out. Nicki Minaj.

Just so funny that that's like what I thought I needed to send you then. I think it was probably relevant. Also me on May 13th. Have you ever heard this song? Sending you body rocks featuring Luciana. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Alright, I've got one here for you.

Please. Do you remember that NRG artist that you were talking about a long time ago, Hessa? Or like synth guy? Which guy? Roberto Ferrante? I think so. We'll talk about it later. Let's let Ben ask the question.

Let's say I joined a cult. What would the first sign be? The first sign would probably be... Ben would be nice. No, it wouldn't be that. It would be... It would never be that.

He would be pleasant. Girl, I'm actually very pleasant when you show up to work and know what the hell we're doing. I know what the fuck we're doing. I can't believe you're being so defensive. You're being so... It's okay to be confused. No, I just keep getting accused

of not knowing what's going on. You literally did not understand the premise of it. I did understand the premise. I just had a different understanding than what y'all had. Which is called a misunderstanding. No, no, no. Don't. Let me think.

Let me think. Don't come from my work ethic. If you joined a cult, well, it would definitely be one of those. I don't think it would be a new age type cult. a new age type cult it would definitely be a one of those newer like you know like uh pseudo andrew tate like male yeah yes yes totally okay yes you would probably try to sell us crypto or stocks or something oh my god the crypto not us you know we don't have money i would say i would say it might take the form of a more andrew tate um like hyper masculine um form but it would not be as financial as it was spiritual okay okay i think you would it would be something like i'm no longer talking to women like yeah it would be something like that right i'm not talking to gay people maybe i am straight

now yes you come out as straight yes yes you're on to it i'm on to it okay i think you would have a girlfriend no beautiful no um no could xander jade have a girlfriend yeah no you right you would start having like a cadre of bitches that follow you around probably so the first sign would be that i wore um like a weird little hat like a pure because that was gonna be my first answer answer. You start dressing like a fucking idiot. I would wear one of the hats that Ayatollah Khamenei used to wear. Like a little kind of featureless circular hat. Like the Muslim-like circle type hat?

Yeah, I don't know what kind of muslims wear them but i would definitely like half convert to islam and just become really homophobic and like wear really cool hat that is that has you you got it you got it um jock it is your turn let us bring up another question so if I had only one meal to eat. You would kill yourself. Yeah, I think you're dead. Two entrees, one dessert, one side. Okay, I like this.

What would I choose? So you're having. Two entrees, one dessert, two side. Yes, I'm listening. okay i like this what would i choose so you're having so this is basically this is yes i'm listening so this is no i'm is it last meal you're in you're in the you're in jail no no yeah essentially it would okay this is your last meal of sorts. Yeah, something like that. Okay, great. That's what I was trying to say. So, two entrees and a dessert. Also, bonus points. Five people that would be at the dinner table with me.

Okay. I'm guessing entree number one, the gumbo. Salisbury steak. That's a good start. Because you love Salisbury steak. And you always pronounce it and spell it Salisbury steak. Would you, Jock? Could you love Salisbury steak. And you always pronounce it and spell it Salisbury steak. Can you spell Salisbury steak right now? A-F-S-A-L-I-B-U-U. wait wait wait wait wait wait wait stop okay s-a-l-i-b-u-u

wait b-u-r-r-y salibury it sounds like it sounds like a financial institution that got folded in the 80s for like selling children yeah

it's like Bernie Madoff's personal cafeteria. Literally. Where he sells fake meat. Okay, so it's not Salisbury steak. I mean, gumbo's too obvious. No, no.

Not even that. Crawfish oil? No. Can you get it at Zia's? Oh, no. I love it. You're not even that. Crawfish oil? No. Is it? Okay. It would be. Can you get it at Zia's? Is it something?

Is it from a local? The Thai ribs at Zia's. The Thai ribs at Zia's. Okay. The Thai ribs at Zia's is one of the entrees. Okay. Hesse, can I, Jock, if I can explain this without you screaming. This is just my opinion on Zia's.

Hesse, just so you know, I'm still a listener, so no. on Zia's. Hessa, just so you know, and so listeners know, Zia's is a... is kind of regarded to be like the Applebee's of southern Louisiana. It's not a fine food establishment. It is a, like...

It's fine casual. Don't explain something you don't know that you don't like. It's just, it's thoroughly mid. You lie. I'll say that. Ben just doesn't like it's just it's thoroughly mid you say that ben ben just doesn't like anything that's not grilled chicken and lean so you can keep his fat ass under 150 how many seafood boils and gumbo and oysters have we had together like what are you talking about i i chow down in louisiana i'm just not going to zia's because that's like going to fucking

like taco bell in mexico no you just don't know the culture it's fine whatever sis um okay so we've got the thai ribs from zia's as one of the entrees is the other one another local louisiana thing no no no you might have to think outside the box i will give you one of the sides i'll give you one i'll give you the sides yeah give me one of the sides scallion pancakes scallion pancakes soup dumplings no when the hell have i ever talked about soup dumplings i don't know i only eat them when someone offers me one to be honest with you jock i kind of tune out when you start talking about food at this point i've known you too long to really actively listen once you start talking about food. That, out of everything that you said today, made me angrier than all of them.

Well, sorry. Give me a better hint. If we have to guess three sides, two entrees, and a dessert, this could take forever. So let's speed it along. Give me some hints. Okay. For dessert, we're going to have a waffle with a vanilla cream walnuts blackberries blueberries and strawberries on top with an elderberry syrup thank you for the hint

what about the entree give me a hint on the other entree it's a type of pie uh shepherd's pie yes of course i I love Shepherd's Pie! Okay. Okay. Um, okay. Great. I think... Two sides. Left. Macaroni and cheese. No. Am I a basic whore? No, I'm not even... French fries? No! The mashed

potatoes are in the Shepherd's Pie! Okay. Um. Potato chips? Coleslaw? Eight pieces of bacon. Okay Um Potato chips Coleslaw Eight pieces of bacon It's not like That's not a side

That's a meal That's crazy How is that a side? What if we guessed Seven pieces Eight pieces of bacon It's on the side of the entree It's my last meal

Anything that's on the side of an entree Is classified as a side Okay What is the other side then? Corn grits Okay amazing Hassel what's your question? It's my last meal. Anything that's on the side of an entree is classified as a side. Okay. What is the other side then? Corn grits. Okay, amazing. Hassel, what's your question?

Okay. My question is, oh, I have dysentery as well. Oh, my God. You're disgusting. How are you going to die? You're kind of the jock of- I know. I'm the jock of the Oregon Trail right now. Do not ever say it like that again.

If I ever hear you pronounce Oregon like that, I'm coming to New York and hitting you across the head with something. You are so violent. I'm not violent at all. Don't you fucking say I'm violent, you dumb bitch. I pointed a knife at him then, if you couldn't see it because you're not watching. What is my go-to karaoke song?

More than this, Roxy Music. That's Bill Murray and Lawson Johnson. Is it male or female? It's a male. What? Is it a Paul McCartney's? Is it Wings? No. It's a joke song.

What? No. That would be a good one, though. You should do No. That would be a good one, though. You should do that. That would be a good one. Down with the sickness. That was a jump scare if I ever had one. What genre?

I need some hints here. Halloween. A Halloween song? The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson. The Monster Mash? Yes. It's the Monster Mash? Yes.

Oh, my God. I'm winning. I'm clearing you bitches out. I know. But I gave you... That was too good a hint of a Halloween song. No, Halloween song is crazy. You said it as if it was a type of song,

which I guess it is, but it's not. I realized too late that there's one Halloween song. There's kind of one Halloween song. There's Thriller and the Monster. You're right. The only two Halloween songs. You are so drunk up there singing The Monster Mash. And the funny thing is, every time,

something I forget every time is that The Monster Mash is like five and a half minutes long. Right. It is not like a two minute long song that's over quickly. There was one song that I got in so much trouble while I sang during karaoke. I sang Refuge of the Roads by Joni Mitchell, which I love the song,

but I didn't realize it's like seven minutes long and it's half instrumental. She's just like talking about roads half the time. And I was like, wait, this is like so embarrassing. Jack, has that ever happened to you that you sang a song that was excellent? Oh, he goes psycho at karaoke. Oh my God.

He brings the house he brings the house down just for perspective i did karaoke every tuesday and wednesday night for three years even when i even when i broke my elbow and the elbow was all the way the wrong way from skating i went straight from the hospital straight to m to McDonald's, straight to the karaoke room. So bad. And when I was walking on stage with my McDonald's bag and my drink, the girl was starting to

sing and I said, sweetie, go now. And the karaoke, the guy who runs... I'm playing the tuba song right now. The guy who runs the karaoke knew I was coming and knew I was going to do this. So she obliged, got off, skipped her skipped her song waited i sung my song turn the house down i'm on fucking turned the house down everyone was everyone became silent i feel like i sung adia by sarah mc or no i sung i will remember you by sarah mcfaulding

what the fuck that That's crazy. No, he goes crazy on karaoke. I've seen him, like, I've seen, it's like so actually scary autistic because he's screaming into the mic, but people love it. It's, it's, Jock, you're one of the best people I've ever seen do karaoke. I'm not, I'm not, I'm joking. Okay, so if I were to date a historical figure, who would it be?

Who's that guy who was in charge of Libya? Muammar Gaddafi? I would not date him. That is exactly who you would date. But he was handsome when he was young, for sure. You would love to be one of his little women. Your weird antagonism towards gaddafi is hilarious to me because you have no conception of like world politics or

history but for some reason you like hate gaddafi i don't i i well what what's the like about a guy who runs a child sex operation do you understand that's like what the america does as well like it's not something that's unique and also i don't even know if that's true about anyways i'm not getting back there's a fucking book there's a book right there's the books on everything john shut the fuck up for two seconds put your little pie pole onto mute setting for a second so i could say something you dick shit so the thing is is that he had this like his female soldier bodyguard things he was like grooming them when they were younger and then making them into their soldiers what year was he what years did he was he um controlling libya i think jackie is right about this. 1979 to 2000 and

I mean, look, I don't doubt it. I think Gaddafi's sick, but. Oh, he's so hot. He was so hot when he was younger. I'm not saying that it doesn't mean that there isn't other American English counterparts that do the same thing. It's just so strange to me because you pick out certain historic figures and you like have a genuine

hatred towards them based off very specific things and it's i just don't understand what well everyone was everyone was praising godolphi and i'm not right so it's an oppositional thing no because it's because someone said someone said that they liked godolphi no no no if i i would feel the same way if someone went around talking about how much they love jeffrey, how like a revolutionary Jeffrey Epstein was. Right. Right, right, right.

But those are different people. Which Ben does all the time off mic forever. But like, no, no. Ben does that all the time. Just because someone has done like some like cool things doesn't like disregard their moral decline. Because they're hot. What else do you know about qaddafi chopped people's fucking heads off which is cool depending on who they are i mean like

if you guys want people to be murdered by their heads being cut off just i just i want to get to the root of of what annoying gay guy said he likes qaddafi to you to engender this yeah yeah word right okay so you had somebody who you hated who mentioned something and then you decided what annoying gay guy said he likes Gaddafi to you to engender this yeah yeah that's really weird right okay so you had somebody who you hated who mentioned something and then you decided because okay because it was hate if I can finish what I'm saying you just hide you decided to hate someone to transfer the hatred of the individual who introduced you to this person onto the person no no it was just like oh they're like oh this person is so cool and i'm like yeah i mean sure if you think like a murderer who like diddles children is cool then yeah that's cool right like i'm not

gonna like i'm not gonna sub like like just suddenly give him a pass we can move on whose turn is it whose turn is it i think it's Jock's turn. Jock's turn. Okay. Also, I died, by the way. I died. Oh, my God. And also, Bernadette has measles. Let's fucking go. Bye, bitch.

Dude, how did this game get so current? Let's see. Question for you two to know. Let's do some rapid fire uh trivia questions about my life what age was i when i had my first gallery show not a group gallery show but my own 20 12 wrong okay well you didn't even give it i was gonna say 12 you didn't give me my chance to answer bernadette has died it's all very good times y'all you're not allowed to ask two in a row jock that you can't do it. I'm breaking the rules. I got a knife pointing

at y'all. I can do whatever I want right now. Because you messed up the first question, you can ask one more. You can ask one extra one. You don't even have one ready. Shut up, because you rejected all of my other questions. Jacques, I've said it before

and I'm going to say it again, and I'll be completely honest. You're one of the best podcasters of all time. I know that you're trying to say that you're being serious, but it does not come off serious. It sounds very sarcastic. I wonder if there's a soundboard thing going on. Can I just ask one of the questions that I wrote instead? I'm more eager to ask.

Okay. Sure, sure. What is a secret that you have kept in the darkness that you are willing to reveal today nah I'm not going to do that yeah I'm not going to do that who was the first politician you were sexually attracted to

I have not asked can you stop being so defensive because every time I say something Hess is like you already said that. You already asked that. I need you to take a couple deep breaths, please.

So I'm reading every single question. Google a photo of cheesecake on your phone and just take a moment to call me. What politician? Gaddafi. Next question. Gaddafi. No, Barack Obama, probably. Yeah. Love him. When he landed when I was in the 8th grade, I was like, hell yeah. I don't think his politics are hot

but I would fuck that ugly guy that's tall who wears a hoodie John Fetterman oh hell no Jesus or Condoleezza Rice what? or Sarah Palin

I get that she's kind of hot just three right wing maniacs Or Condoleezza Rice. What? Or Sarah Palin. I get that. She's kind of hot. Just three right-wing maniacs. Cynthia Nixon. Cynthia Nixon. Oh, okay. Interesting answer.

Yeah. That was the first political nomination I ever did. I never got how people are always like JFK was the first sexy president. I guess I get it from a cultural position, but I'm like, he's so fucking ugly, and so was that wide-eyed bitch that he was married to. She also, yeah, was maybe stylish, but you ship these two people down, what about that is sexy? But I guess sexiness is all about the artifice

and how you put lipstick on the pig, and et cetera, et cetera. I don't get it. I'm willing to say I think Obama was the only sexy president we've had in contemporary life oh absolutely um I've got one I've got a question

let's hear it so this week I did four guest appearances on other podcasts or live shows. You're going to make Chuck very mad. What are they?

I know two. Christine and Claywoman was your appearance. Yes, Claywoman, Pot about List. Pot about... That's two. I want to say, by the way, I performed first with Christine before you did. Oh, my God. 10, 15 years ago in New Orleans.

And she pays well. Mm-hmm. I was surprised by that Rick Owens thing, huh? What? Her collab with Rick Owens. Oh, I didn't know about that. Jock's the Cloud Pocket Watcher. Yeah.

Okay, other podcast, Movie Mindset because y'all just put out a new episode I'm the co-host but that's like your show that's if you count that I've done five right no I was gonna say that the other one is I don't know if you guys know what this one yeah but it's

it's two episodes of the same podcast Red Scare no yes Red Scare yes Red Scare she went on the race Red Scare. Yes, Red Scare. She went on the race science episode. Moving on. I went on two in a row because they couldn't get enough of my race science. Of all my racial science.

Okay, I can do one then. Hustle, why don't you say to give the plug and then I'll cue up one. Yeah, E1. I was on two episodes of E1. Oh, I love episodes. Yeah, I was on one of Branson. Sometimes Branson does solo episodes that are kind of similar to my Columbo solo episodes. That I kind of stole.

I kind of stole the episodes from him. And the character of Columbo is very similar to his character on these episodes. What mother chooses that as a name? That's your first choice? That's his last name. That has a talk. decided that's his last name um that has a talk but the um the premise was it was colombo and me colombo and branson's character talking and we did two over two hours of just talking is colombo on this and then i did a guest voice on their fake anime series, Dog Catcher in Utaro. So listen to that one. Period.

What phrase would send me into a tailspin at a bar? I'm going to be late. Well, sorry, Jack. I only care about people being on time when we're working, honey. Hang on. I'm going to run to the bathroom while I think.

Period. It was that it was every time that bitch has to go piss i'm pissed um okay a phrase that would um i don't have the bag i left the bundle at home i left the under at home i left the condo at home um that would have bothered me um let's see um why didn't you wear that polo shirt i like i don't you would never say that what like your friend gets there and you're like that doesn't answer the question i don't look at me like strange like i'm just so i'm just trying to figure out where your brain is today it's functioning i i biked i swam i ate boudin i talked to people yes queen okay so a phrase that would send you into utter anger that your

friends tell you when they're on the way to the bar is the correct question, sir? Sure. Yeah, why not? I feel like that's as much as you're able to understand, so yeah, let's just go with that. Got it, got it, got it. A phrase that would upset you is that we've decided to

go to a different bar outside of Manhattan. I mean, basically, yeah, you kind of got it. Like, oh, we're going to go to Bushwick instead. Oh, we're going to go to Queens instead. Well, I love going to Queens. I'll go to Queens.

Let's go to Brooklyn. Let's go to Brooklyn was the answer. Yeah. I was pretty close. What else? I'm trying to think of what else you just detest that you would be like. Brooklyn was the answer. Yeah. I was pretty close. What would else... I'm trying to think of what else you just detest that you would be like. For the record, I don't detest Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn. It's just

I don't want to. No, I go to Brooklyn. Well, I would... I have had times in my life where I go to Brooklyn. I don't dislike Brooklyn, but it's just annoying when people want to go to Brooklyn. Oh, Hesse, you're wearing my shirt. Yes, am what phrase sends ben into a bar okay wait let me guess it let me guess it um oh my god i know you from the podcast seeking to raise that doesn't that

doesn't send me into a tailspin because i just ignore but they don't even talk to him they don't even talk to him i've seen it happen at a bar. They whisper. Bitch, what do you know? You don't know. Last time I went to KGB with you like two or three years ago when season was still getting started. Oh, KGB reminded me of another one. There was a group of guys

and they said hi to me and then they were like they were like, oh, we didn't want to piss ben off it i thought we'd be angry if we said hi or something it was so funny it would have been the don draper thing of you in the elevator i don't think of you at all no no no no it would not i love the fans and i love talking to fans no and i you know i don't even call them fans i call them listeners i feel like fans is so disrespectful.

I will always talk to a listener. I feel like it's more disrespectful to call them just listeners. No, because we're not doing anything that's fan-worthy. We're podcasters. They listen. I genuinely love when listeners come up and say what's up. For sure. I love it as well.

I'm just kidding. No. I'm being serious. I'm being completely serious i if yeah people you can always fingers crossed right now it's crazy my fingers are not crossed i've been completely he has his legs crossed okay um give me a hint give me a hint i don't want to do it anymore jock already got it it was let's go to brooklyn okay just because i don't want to go i don't want to leave the bar go to brooklyn wow jo bar that's good that you got that

since we're approaching we really had to do some teamwork to get there since we're approaching the end of the episode I would like to make an announcement a plug if you will let's wait until the end of the episode maybe to make it

is it not the end of the episode? we can end it how long have we been going?'re an hour oh i have one more i have one more question let's do one more let's do one more and then we can wrap up what's my dead name oh i know i'm not gonna say it though oh no it's jock it's it's dick no i thought it's fucking it's i just gave the hint what it is It's not thick Ben can you edit that out Yeah you shouldn't be saying that Well you asked me

I know I know I realized after that it would be extra work for Ben 45 No it's fine it's fine It'll be funny to have a big bleep I'm just going to say one final time You're one of the best podcasters in the game. Yeah.

You're one of the best. For whatever sound. And I mean that wholeheartedly. And I want the tips that the hint Jock gave, too. If you would like. Nope, there it is again. Let's not do it. Jock, you have to stop saying her real and dead name.

You can't keep saying that. Fabio. Just stop. Just stop. Okay. let's stop just okay you were stopping there one more yeah we're stopping there well i was just saying with the guessing because jock's gonna just okay so let me uh make my plug please on may 14th at virtual gallery in portland at the lloyd center from 6 to 9 p.m there there will be the most iconic DJ show ever to happen. It's called Versus, and it's when we pair DJs with VJs.

We've got VJs Mishmack, Plus, and Guy Lloyd. Bernadette has died. Shut up. Damn, bitch. Celebrate, y'all. died shut up damn bitch celebrate y'all yes so we've got dj's emo jai jai heap emoji heap emoji heap i jog maybe you just don't read it just let me read yeah you don't have to read the whole yeah yeah go ahead go ahead yeah that's fine okay go ahead ben has a broken leg by the way shut up valley psalms and me dj sensitive joff coming back to portland go click my bio it's not there yet but i'm adding it right now go it's versus at the may 14th 6 to

9 p.m at the Virtual Gallery in the Lloyd Center. It's going to be the best DJs versus VJs experience. Okay. That's amazing. Ben has a broken leg. Guys, it's not going well. Has anything happened to Jock?

Jock is fine. I'm dead. Bernadette is dead. Max is dead. Ben is dead. It's just Jock now.. I'm dead. Bernadette is dead. Max is dead. Ben is dead. It's just Jock now. It's just Jock. I'm fucking gone. I knew I would win this game. Jock's gonna eat all of us.

Jock's gonna eat all of us. I'll put it in the Instagram. Alright, everyone. Thank you for listening. And if you loved this free episode, we're doing the craziest free episodes, but if you loved this free episode,'re doing the craziest free episodes but if you love this free episode we're usually more well prepared with more topics and we're all

on the same plane of existence on the Patreon so you can go listen to the episodes there patreon.com see you in the next one, bye everyone mwah alright Ben, I just emailed you oh wait, I got a group.

I got a group. Reviola Thank you.