Seeking Derangements - SD 415 - Sprinkle Man

Episode Date: June 22, 2025

Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I deliver some dramatic readings of Tyler Perry's leaked texts to Derek who is currently suing him for 260 Million Dollars. Then we randomly discover that Jacques is a math genius and take a peak at what Hesse's been writing in her notes app. Follow us on our Instagram and watch Jacques and I as we take over Louisiana Public Access TV for Attention Seekers, our live call-in show. Here's our broadcasting schedule, find us LIVE on Instagram: Thursday June 26th at 5EST Friday June 27th at 5EST Saturday June 28th at 6EST Sunday June 29th at 3:30EST Monday June 30th at 6:45EST The call in number will be coming soon!

🎵 All right, welcome everyone. It's Ben. I'm here with Hessa. Jock is running behind, but he'll be here very soon. This is a free episode of Seeking Derangements. So if you like what you hear, go subscribe to our Patreon, patreon.com slash seeking derangements. It's only $5 a month for a weekly bonus episode just like this one and plenty of other bonus content like mixes and

videos and stuff like that as well. Dark plans. We're publishing some dark plans on the Patreon for the highest tier members. It's one of the most sophisticated plans we've ever seen. Bad news for Gotham.

It's bad news for Gotham. Very bad news for Gotham. So we are going to be posting some dark plans on the patreon and you are not gonna want to miss out that's on that's on the 100 joker tier yeah yeah do you want to tell them what the operation's called it's called operation uh um uh i don't know i Oh my God. I forgot. You completely forgot. It's called Operation I Forgot, y'all. But setting our more evil plans that we have for the show, Jock and I are doing a hostile takeover of Louisiana Public Access, the Acadiana Open Channel to be precise. I'm going to Lafayette and Jock and I are going to do a long run

at the public access studio there. A residency. We're doing a residency at AOC. So we're going to be doing our call-in show, Attention Seekers. That is going to be back for five straight days at the end of the month. You're so good at coming up with names for shows. Attention Seekers is a good call-in show name. Seekers Arrangements, The Steam Room. But you couldn't come up with the name is a good call-in show name. The Steam Room.

But you couldn't come up with the name of a dark plan. I could not. For the life of you. I need time. I have to spend like five days coming up with an incredibly stupid name. Yes, Attention Seekers is back.

We'll be there Thursday, June 26th at 5 EST.iday june 27th again at 5 est saturday at 6 sunday at 3 30 and then monday for our last episode at 6 45 those are all eastern center time we're going to be streaming live on instagram um and again these are all call-in numbers we're in a couple different studios at aoc and jock is managing this so i don't know what the numbers are because they're going to vary between the rooms we're in but we will get those numbers for you and we will post them so you know which line to call on which day and that wrestling sounds me means mr jock is here hello jock um so call in and talk to me and jock um on any of those days.

I'm more connecting. I can't hear. My headphones are connected. We're recording. So just follow us on Instagram. It's Seeking Derangements with five S's at the end. And we will be live all of those days at those times on Instagram. And then we will, of course, record it and post it here later. And I'll be popping in.

If possible. Well, we need to talk to Alex, our tech guy to see if we can manage a video thing. Or if we could just get my helicopter pilot to pick her up. I know she's scared of planes. Helicopter should be fine. Right.

What's the name of the dark plan that we're releasing on the page? Do you remember? Operation what? It's called operation something i can't i i'm sorry what in the hell are you talking about the announcement we're making to gotham yeah can you hear the thunder uh dark phalanges right dark phalanges yeah that's what it's called i forgot it's called operation dark phalanges uh the challenger two operation the challenge the challenge actually that's that's what our evil group should be

called the challenge yeah i didn't mean to turn that off can i make an announcement please just for one second please um so as y'all could imagine nothing in my life is normal or um goes as plans um and today that happened in the form of my internet going out 30 minutes before uh i started recording or like basically 15 so i rushed to the acadiana open channel where me and ben would normally be recording I'm calling so pissed you said some of the worst texts I've ever seen you say shut the fuck up bitch

this did not I didn't send no text god damn it but why was it closed why was AOC closed well I'm sitting there and I am fucking I called them probably 15 times on the way because it's such a pain in the ass to get inside the building and so I'm calling I'm calling like what the called them probably 15 times on the way because it's such a pain in the ass to get inside the building and so i'm calling i'm calling like what the fuck could they be so fucking busy with today

i get there it's closed because of juneteenth yeah and you were not happy about that i knew it was juneteenth and i i just was like i'm so stupid and that's why i'm ignorant and i'm wrong you're really making some leaps and bounds when it comes to taking responsibility for things thank you for that jock open up open up the google doc i sent you we have some we have some scripts we're going to read through today and of course everyone out there i am talking about the leaked tyler perry texts um and as i said on twitter this is tyler perry having some kind of gay sexual misconduct lawsuit it was not if but always when because tyler perry has as as i i mean i'm not a huge tyler perry had i'm not

watching a lot of his movies but from my vantage point it seems like he has holed himself up in his like 200 million dollars what himself up well we'll get we'll get to that it's juneteenth uh ben you can't say hold up right um it does seem like he's he sequestered himself at his um like 200 million dollar atlanta studio compound where he produces stuff and makes stuff and we built a replica white house he built a replica of the white house for his show the oval office so he's like looking like uh jf that picture of jfk looking out the window during the cuban missile crisis but he's looking at thick derrick's ass we'll get to that but um he from my crisis lord this is a very weird text message he's he's just been there making movies called like

temptation to her husband he's just been there he's like ben he's like the ben of he's like well no he is like um you know diddy is kind of the black epstein and i think we're finally getting our black kevin spacey i know we've been waiting for the black Kevin Spacey and I think they're finally launching him on Juneteenth. Yeah, yeah. Kevin Spacey tried to fill that role with House of Cards with that accent. Something very funny

about that is that this is also surrounding Tyler Perry's black House of Cards. Yeah, oval. The oval. Yeah, I mean, all of the men in his movies forever have always been like the most chiseled gay porn actor looking men i've ever seen like outside of gay porn do you guys ever watch that gay porn site called men in suits no called men in suits no okay so there's there's a gay porn site called men in suits and it was

sure that me and it's it's it's not something i really like but you know i've seen it in ads and stuff before oh sure sure this was like this was like before all the stunt gay pornography that was like not in front of my salad or you know it was before that so it was more like in front of my salad it was more about like um it was less about like being caught in a dryer and more about like you know contextual more realistic ways in which you could like force yourself onto someone and it was just all of these guys of course in suits and they would like call in their underling to their office and be like your expense report was really bad and then they would just have sex but not take their suits off i like that yeah it's a good suit fetishist that sounds fun actually but that's that's what all of

tyler perry's movies look like yeah yeah they look like they're about to swing their dicks out not even take off the suit yes i also feel like two minutes i also feel like ben just watched the complete series of the television show suits and was like let me look up some parody porn about and i'm so gay i thought that it was gay porn on the usa where those guys are fucking each other every moment i know what they're doing i know what they're doing. I know what they're doing. The camera goes off. They're not showing under the table. They're not showing under the desk. I know what's going on over there. Conference room circle jerk.

I know they do it. But I mean, Tyler Perry has obviously been gay forever. You can tell from his, he has such a devious almost cute but like for like the classic thing that all gay men have where they're it they're almost so cute it verges on like sinister you know he has like a little like grinch like smile devious smile yeah that i think is the biggest tell me my window's closed right i'm gonna make sure my window's closed. Her window is... It's storming in New York City. A big plan...

It's storming in my heart. Our big plan on Gotham City is being initiated. What are you, God? What is this, the Great Flood? Yes. And yes. Can I be Moses? Was that the guy on the boat? Why would I be Moses? Was that the guy on the boat? Why would you be Moses?

What do you think his name was? It wasn't Moses The guy on the boat It's literally Blank's Ark Adam? Adam's Ark? I think that's a biblical gay porn It's about a guy named Adam who can't stop arcing his arch

He can't stop keeping his ass up in the air. No, it's not Adam. And it's not... Giglamesh. It's not... Jock is trying to think of the biblical story which features an arc. He's trying to remember the man's name. He's guessed Gilgamesh.

He's guessed Adam. Well, no, he guessed Giglamesh. I think it's just a different thing. Which is a different Batman villain who makes it look like gets giggle mesh I think it's a different thing which is a different Batman villain who makes it Tony Tony's arc it's not Tony's arc you cannot be serious with Tony

I'm struggling here jock the story is called blanks arc Eve no what about if I said this? I mean, no offense, Jock. I'm even on it.

No offense. No offense, but you're an idiot. I'm on a brain medication right now, so I should remember. No offense, but I don't think it's working. Yeah, no offense, but I don't think this hint is really... No offense, but I don't think... No offense, but you're pale and she looks like Rachel Maddow. You just said the name.

You just said the name. she's yes you got it she's yes yes it's noah's arc jock oh wait when did i say noah you said noah no offense no offense oh you said noah then you paused and you said no offense it's it's not like it's not like really stealing candy from a baby anymore. It's more like throwing a bunch of candy at a baby who's full. It doesn't feel like fun anymore. Anyways. That's you saying it's fun to steal candy from a baby. Exactly. Yes, it is.

I steal candy from my nephew all the time. I give it back to him. I think kids should be teased. What do you mean you give it back to him? You put it in your mouth and you spit it back out at him? No, I just take it and I, you know, I dangle it above his head. I think kids should be teased. I think they're too coddled.

And I think they're put up with a little bit of adversity. In the form of their gay uncle. Well, you hit your nephew on the... Because he was crying in the background. He never hit my nephew. We heard it. He hits me. He slapped me in the face the other day.

I can't believe that your family allows you to hit your nephew. I don't, but he does beat me up a lot. I'm calling Child Bend Protective Services. Okay. Let's read these texts.

So I did compile all of Tyler Perry's texts to Derek, who was an actor in Tyler Perry's White House drama, let's read these texts let's get into it so i did compile all tyler perry's text to derrick who was a actor in tyler perry's um white house drama the oval um so just for some context here tyler perry is being sued for 260 million by this guy named derrick dixon which is again a gay porn name i'm convinced that tyler perry has like a shell casting company called like lasciviousness that he's using to find actors who are on the verge of going into gay porn. And he just channels them off into being extras on his show and then grooms them. I think that that is his method. But anyway, it looks like a property brother.

He looks like the I'm trying to think of a gay porn riff, a gay porn title of Property Brothers. The Slopperty Brothers? Slopperty Brothers. He looks like a Slopperty Brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, all of his actors have always looked like that. But anyways, Derek is suing him for $260 million for intimidation, sexual abuse, and retaliation. Because clearly Tyler Perry is elevating one of the actors on his set based off of how many sexual... I wish Madea would have taken advantage of me.

You would have had sex with Madea? Yeah, of course. Are you kidding me? Have you seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman? Many times. I love that movie. Of course. When she splits that piano in half with the chainsaw i'm gonna be the piano i want to be the piano split me in half gross with her dick right um okay but let's get

to these texts i can be derrick um do you guys want to switch off being tyler there's 12 for the first one there's 12 of these texts and they're all very funny. So I think let's break after. 12 exchanges, not even texts. Yeah, 12 exchanges. I think let's break after these and debrief what's going on because they're all very funny.

Okay, I'll start with text one. You know what I cook. Derek. Spaghetti. Cake. You. I'm so drunk talking talking shit tyler is so drunk at the end do you know how horny you have to be to reply to you know what i cook with derrick period it's insane it is insane how horny he is for this guy you you know what i cook and his answer is you like he can't even focus on making a pun or anything because he's so horny no i think

he's doing the classic like white wine um and pills because that he's not married like tyler is not married i think he has like a a fake son or something but yeah i don't think he's currently married it's like an out it's like an open secret that he's he's gay of course yeah um okay jock do you want to try being tyler perry for text too yes i would love to do your best tyler perry yeah what's it going to take for you to have guiltless sex? Have y'all found that in therapy? Giving up my religious guilt. Becoming a Buddhist?

That's so cool. You're a bitch. Oh, wait, never mind. I thought he was reading my line. I thought he was reading my line. So there's the names in bold before them I know I know I did this specifically because you have a hard time reading

I tried to make this user friendly just start from giving up religious guilt please giving up my religious guilt becoming a Buddhist that's so cool where you care from unfortunately Derek I have some friends who are in their

50s and 60s who are still dating with that and it's so sad dealing with that everyone it's you Jock maybe it should just be me and Hessa I was worried this would be too difficult for Jock stop stop I'm having a lot of brain

problems today y'all that's okay i can handle the reading for you yeah yeah yeah why don't you wrap this one okay wait let's try it again unfortunately derek i have some friends who are in their 50s and 60s while i'm still dealing with that and it's so sad you can have freedom from religious guilt and still believe in christ he's such a groomer like tyler is really sinister and in these this is like what james charles was doing when he was like 19 18 year old straight guy except tyler perry's like 50 it's a billionaire yeah i know i know it's just like i mean i already

said it but i do really think Tyler Perry is just like hiring actors who wants to fuck making them extras and then being like hey do you want to get a big big role in season three you're gonna have to let me text you while I'm drunk I also think Derek is extremely drunk

in these texts as well because they're both being yeah that last one made no sense that's so cool where you care from this where you came from maybe but Derek just by looking at him does look extremely Christian and like he is probably

struggling with being gay or at least struggling with being pimped out by his boss yeah which anyone would struggle with, honestly. I mean, I'll be honest. If I was Derek, I would just... And what happened to Derek is, of course, not fair.

If it was me, I would absolutely entertain this because Tyler Perry has God's amount... So much fucking money. And honestly, this might have been Derek's plan all along because he is suing him for 260 million dollars yeah and he'll probably get him he'll probably get that which I'm pretty sure is a Tyler's not ugly for for him right you know no he's not ugly he's not at all um but he is an he has an ugly heart it seems like it's a lot it's a it's a lot easier to have sex with Tyler

Perry than Harvey Weinstein. I would pick Tyler, of course. Yeah, I mean, that's why that show is called The Oval, because of the oval shape. Or no, wait, that was Epstein with the oval penis. No, it's called The Oval because there's a sex toy that he puts up his butt and clicks a button that's in the shape of an oval.

Right, that's foreshadowing. Can I chat? Let's do text oval. Right. That's foreshadowing. Okay. Can I chat? Can I chat? Let's do text three. Nice. Santa Monica is nice. I'm glad you're going out there. How is your no? Is it stronger?

You've got to have a strong no. Yeah, it's strong. How is your no? Wait, this is crazy. Wait, hang on. No is in quotes. Yeah. I'm glad you're going out there.

How is your no is it stronger you gotta have a strong no yeah it's strong my mom literally thinks i'm going to sell my soul to the illuminati she heard kanye say that it's real well i don't think that i do think that you have to be able to say no. And mean it, and make it clear. I'll only say yes if it gets me an Oscar. JK, JK, JK, I hear you. Well, the only one who could have gotten that for you through sex is in prison. So just stick to the no.

Unless you are really into him what is he talking about? tongue out emoji tongue out one eye open emoji I think someone might have his phone you think someone took his phone sorry that was my dumb

buddy saying all that stuff right sorry that was my prison guard that keeps me locked up at night so I don't text my employees. I just, the only one who could have gotten that for you through sex is in prison. Harvey Weinstein. Right. Would have gotten him an Oscar if he had sex with him. Or he's talking about someone else we don't even know about. Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein.

Because Harvey Weinstein was straight, I guess. Or Spacey. Diddy. No, Spacey's not in prison, though. Spacey's hanging out. Yeah, he's just in exile or whatever. Hanging out! Can I have an attempt with number four?

Do your best shot, Jock. I'm going to try a different voice. Try to do your best Tyler Perry voice. Actually, Jock, do a Madea voice. I'm just going with the voice that I have in mind. All right. I would hope that you have... Stop.

Don't laugh. Don't laugh. No, that's good. That's good. Okay. I would hope that you would let someone hold you and make love to you. You are missing the best years of your life, my friend. Trust me.

I hope you get past that block of your mind soon. Well, it's not in this person. Well, it's not this person. Well, it's not this person. But yes, I want that too. I'm working on it. Therapy is helping. You're not sounding gay enough.

He's not gay. How about this? He sounds gruff. He sounds gruff. I'll do the next one as a gay guy. Or you can do the next one as gay Derek. I want to be gay. Yeah, you be Tyler.

You be Tyler and I'll be Derek Jacques. I'll be Tyler? Yeah. But I swear to you, I know how to fix this shit. I love killing a motherfucker in a show that no one expects. What is this accent? Just go for it. You could be sipping Mai Tais counting coconuts right now.

Think about that last episode. They're all shot at. We don't know who lives. Exactly. I'm scared. They should be too. Last I checked we all got the same bullets in us

okay so Tyler Perry is clearly threatening to kill off Derek's character whose name is Dale and Dale was introduced into the oval as a pharmacist in the White House pharmacy so clearly an extra

what a ridiculous role I know clearly an extra role who tyler's like might shoot you again if you don't suck my dick and and dale derrick's character got shot four times in the chest on the season two finale yeah no it's like literally so it's so directly like he saw this hot extra who had one line saying, you're welcome, sir. Have a nice day. Playing the pharmacist. And Tyler's just like, need that.

We need to know more about this pharmacist. Yes. The president's going to be getting addicted to pills very soon. Yeah. Derek, why don't you come to my office? We'll talk about what you think about your character. Were any of the presidents addicted to drugs? What do you mean?

Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean what I mean? Were any of the real life presidents addicted to drugs? I mean, Trump is addicted to like, what's Trump? Yeah, Sudafed, exactly. But like 80s British Sudafed, which still has speed in it. Yeah. I don't know if he's still doing it. I think he is. There were reports of him

begging for Sudafed on a plane in 2016, I believe. Please, please. Literally. he's still doing it i think he is there were reports of him like begging for sudafair on a plane in 2016 i believe please please literally my allergies are crazy up here but obama obama obama did coke um i feel like george but obama did coke before he was president we do i mean i'm sure they're all honestly what they're on is modafinil hillary was on modafinil they're dapped up they're getting what's it that's a that's the um modafinil is an anti- modafinil they're daffed up they're getting what's that's a that's the uh modafinil is an anti-narcotic drug but it's a stimulant wait can i be tyler for the next one modafinil is the one they prescribe for narcolepsy right yes yeah yeah okay let's do the next one i call being tyler all right i'll be derek oh this one's crazy i call being a spectator okay great treat myself right

what are you doing Derek eye roll fine goodnight oh wait that's me too he's still going I'll go through the 600 people in my phone book

and be annoyed that i don't want to talk to any of them just talking to my sister trying to get off so i can go to sleep lol lol apparently you're not the only one that's been tonight i understand hello i just started they did it which again i think they are both so fucking drunk when they're texting each other yeah no they're hammered i mean of course derek is gonna be hammered he's probably like talking to his gay hustler his brazilian hustler boyfriend who's like you have to good good now get drunker and send him more messages can i also say when i read the line trying to get off so i can get to sleep lo i thought he meant jacking off he does that's what he means yeah i believe maybe he means get off the phone with his sister i i um do you think he's jacking

off on the phone i think he's probably drunk no i think and trying to be flirty with tyler oh my god i think it's meant to be it's like very calculated because it's meant to be ambiguous and he could say no i was talking about my sister and i said apparently you're not the only one that's drunk tonight because he's like my sister was also drunk and wouldn't get off the phone with me honestly if he's like a legal genius yeah yeah because when these texts are read in court Derek can say

no I was getting off was the phone yeah about my sister yeah let's get Derek like I just started can we get Derek in the real Oval Office? Sure, why not? Let's start a campaign.

Okay. I have no idea what his politics are. This one looks good. Tech 7. Jock, you be Tyler. Why did that photo make me jealous? You two together. I don't know.

It's just Brad, lol. LOL! He just wanted to go for a quick walk to get his steps in, and now I'm walking to Chipotle by myself. Ha ha. Sick, Derek. Get that Chipotle. Ha, can you tell from that photo?

No, I can't. Only from your jeans. Yeah, that's how I measure them too. If I'm not filling them out right, then I'm not working hard enough. Right. To make men swoon. The last line is literally like Shakespeare.

That last line, that's a 4 a.m. text, but because he's going to Chipotle it clearly had to have been sent before 8 o'clock. Right. And it's kind of the drunkest text so far. Thick Derek. Thick Derek. Get that Chipotle.

Also Chipotle sucks. Chipotle is absolute gringoingo slop i've only been once and i ate one bite and i went right back to the register handed them bowl and said refund now right now and then i pulled out a gun and i shot them my gun on me um did they give you a refund absolutely what did you get what did you get on your Chipotle bowl? I'm sure it was really normal It was just like

Pork, rice, bean, cheese Guacamole, pico Wait let me do this one Text 8? Go for it Hessa You do it Hessa Not that person LOL

I feel sorry For the person that you choose. I wouldn't even take an aspirin from someone anymore. What were they talking about before that? I know, I know. I would cry if that wasn't so funny. Why? What I mean by that is that you're so beautiful. When you find you can be able to unlock your mind,

you're going to make that person go crazy. It's threatening. Yeah. No, I think he's just, he can't help but be threatening because he's so horny. Yeah. No, literally. And it's, I think, I don't know.

I just feel like Tylerler perry like psychologically there's a lot of demons there like whenever i mean i feel sorry for the person that you choose is clearly him threatening to kill whoever has sex with right of him right i just i feel like there's something about gay men who become massively successful like in like a-list celebrity kind of realm or like like people to judge or something there's something where it's like the fuel that gives gay men that ambition is usually like sexual repression or homophobic upbringings they're never really allowed to like be the little queen they want to be in some way and so like the same reason this is going to be a really way and so like the same reason this is going to be

a really crass comparison but the same reason why like pedophiles become priests it's just like they know that they can't publicly do this sanction thing whether that sanction thing is correct or not of course pedophilia should be but like they can only express their sexual needs if they can reach a very high power in high earning institutions like a power over the people that they desire yeah yeah exactly position of authority and that is so scary to me like that kind of gay guy is like absolutely terrifying yeah kevin spacey was one of those yeah yeah um okay do you want to do one more i want to do do all of them. There's only three left. Okay, let's do text 10. Jock, you can just chill, I guess.

I'm ready. Do you want to? Okay, you want to do text 10? Yeah, you do text 10. You beat Tyler. I'm literally scrolling. Okay, you beat Tyler. How do you make money then?

Subscriptions? They make money from the advertising. Lots of money. I love how I feel right now, but I don't like being horny. Testosterone. There we go. Oh yeah? From the doctor? But is it making you feel better?

I feel so good, but I don't like feeling horny. I feel sorry for the first person that flirts with me. LOL, LOL. You don't even understand. Derek is scared. I got chills there. Wait, wait, wait.

Jacques, that was Oscar worthy. There's one more line. Who says the only guy that can get you an Oscar is in jail? You got one right now. There's one more line. You don't know how lucky you are to be alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to play a game, Derek?

It's your choice. Derek, Derek, do you want to play a game? No, it's... Derek, I'm going to get on my tiny tricycle, and I'm going to chase after you. Tyler Perry always on that damn tricycle. Yeah. No, it's...

He would doppel that thing. He's so big, it's all... He would doppel that thing. He's so big. It would go into his asshole. It would be squished like a can in a trash compactor. How tall is he? It'd come out in a perfect cube. Tyler Perry, I would say probably... He's 4'9". 4'9", yeah.

No! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, no, no, no, no. Hang on, I really have to pee. I'll be right back. Go pee. I'll do some research right now. Tyler Perry height. Jock is screaming into his phone. Jock, you use your phone like a senior citizen. It's really endearing. Tyler Perry's height.

Okay, here we go. Six five. Whoa. Okay, so he's like physically intimidating as well. Also. I did not see him being six five. Okay so he's like Physically intimidating as well Also I did not see him being 6'5 By the way So there's two celebrities heights

Listed underneath The first celebrity I don't Let me guess Tell me the name And I'll guess their height Julia Bekekle No idea who that is

That's what I was saying Okay Whoopi Goldberg She is 5'5 Yeah you weren't cheating no okay i don't know whoopi's height off the top of my oprah winfrey she's these are all these are all the celebrity heights that they suggest you search under tyler right oprah winfrey is to be five, seven. You're not cheating? Am I right? Yes.

I'm so good at this. It comes from a lifetime of being short. I've spent, much like Tyler Perry, spent my life externalizing my trauma. Who's Anna McKay? I don't know. Because she's 6'5 as well. Oh, big bitch.

Oh, no. She's not 6'5 as well. Oh, big bitch. Oh, no. She's not 6'5. What the hell? Is she 5'6? This fucking red-haired doink. Okay, Doc, let's do text 11. Look at her. I see her.

Let's do text 11. Okay. Can we do text 11, please? Yeah. You want to be Tyler? Do your best Tyler Perry. Your best Tyler Perry voice. Or do your best Medea voice.

Listen to me. If you let the chaos know that you and I have a friendship, then you are opening yourself up to a lot of questions and foolishness. You want to let them know that you are there because of your talent and not because we have a friendship. Or because Tony got them to give you the job. Who's that? You are... Stop.

I'm trying to speak, blonde woman. Oh, you're doing the voice. Oh, sorry. You are on your spot like everyone else. Don't give people an opportunity to play you small, or they will. Because when we go back to work, I'm not going to let you know. I don't have any friends that work for me. My friend, professionalism is key.

I hope you get it, my friend professionalism is key i hope you get it my friend just watch the behavior everyone around me on set you're totally right you you just unlocked something deep within you scary ancestor i just i just trying a different voice no I think that voice was great I don't really know what Tyler sounds like that was toucher gonsolin stop that was toucher gonsolin

by the way please no one take this seriously I'm just trying to do I'm just having some fun that was beautiful do the Derek lines. I totally forgot. Sorry, I interrupted you. Oh, it's just... I'll do the Derek lines.

That makes total sense. Yeah, I will. Don't want to give anyone that opportunity because work is work. Work is work is crazy. Well, it's implying that. It's like, yeah, I'm having sex with you because it's work. And it's so funny. Tyler's like like just watch how

everyone else treats me on set because i guarantee everyone on that set is completely afraid of either being yelled at tyler or being groped by tyler yeah and they're all so deferent like yeah you know like uh the gay assistant and i don't know why this is the first thing i thought of but the gay assistant zoolander who he throws will ferrell throws the latte exactly exactly he's like my mistake oh my god that shit is so funny i can imagine i can see his face it's that really hilarious like gay black actor yeah yeah yes yes he's very fun with the huge wide wide eyes after he's like he's also on sweet home alab He is. As a gay fashion guy. He is.

Yes. And Devil Wears Prada? Maybe. He's a great actor. No. I would love to have one of those acting jobs where you just play the same gay guy every time. Like the choreographer from Showgirls,

the red-haired guy who always plays an angry, bitchy gay guy. Yes. I gotta get into acting. Do you guys think I could become plays an angry bitchy gay guy yes i gotta get into acting do you guys think i could get you do you guys think i could become a character actor for nathan lee graham ben ben do you want to stay friends well i'm helping you if you become a character actor jock is gonna i think the person of all of us with the most with the most possibility of being a character actor is maybe Jacques if he could figure out how to remember lines.

If Jacques was entirely different. If Jacques had a different brain, he could be a successful character actor for sure. Like a John Goodman type. Pardon me, but what in the fuck is wrong with my brain? Nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Why don't you two each list a few problems with my brain? I was saying that you're too smart. Bad memory. You're too smart. Bad memory. Hessa! Hessa! One problem and you already...

Okay, no, two more, two more. Come on. Recall is, I would say, pretty poor. That's bad memory. That's the pretty poor. That's bad memory. That's the same thing. That's bad memory. That's the same thing. How about insomnia?

Insomnia. Sleep schedule? That's the same thing. Yeah. You're just bouncing things off me. It's the same thing as having a bad memory. You got one more. You got one more.

I think mood. I'll give it to you. Very volatile mood. How about what's 12 times 7? 12 times 7 is 84. Are you right about that?

So math is good. Oh my god. Give me another. That's 14 times Are you right about that? So math is good. Oh my god. What the fuck? Give me another. That's 14 times 6. 14 times 6? Is

84? Yes. I am shocked. Wait, are they both 84? Give me another. Come on. I'm going to rash of the stakes. 12 times 19. What's 19? 12 times 19.

12 times 19? Yes. 12 times 19. So 118? No, it's higher. Oh, fucking. It's 228. Yeah, I don't know. What the hell? I mean, I could not. That, fucking... It's 228. Yeah, I don't know.

What the hell? That was like weirdly close, though. I guess like there's an eight at the end. Right. I could not have done any of that math off the top of my head. So you are... One more. So Jacques, you're not quite rain man level,

but you're kind of like a drizzle man. Sprinkle man. Yeah, sprinkle day. Sun shower day. The sun shower they the sun shower they okay it has to give Jock one more math problem okay 9 times 11 that's 99 that was stupid

give me a better one 9 times 13 18, 27, and then 117. Honestly, you're better at math than I am. You're better at math than I am, 1000%.

It's crazy because I was talking to someone who was trying to get advice for passing the GED last night to me, and they were like, how did you pass the math sorry were they writing down i'm making things not this person is my this person is my age and they they didn't go they didn't get a high school degree and they were wanting to get and they came they came to the most degreed man they know well they were just talking to me about

wanting to go yeah do that i think it's fine yeah of course it's yeah i have a ged i don't have a high school i have a high school diploma yeah but that's about it i did not pursue higher education okay nathan lee graham the uh black actor who we're talking about the gay guy yeah um his he has one of the most slay wikipedia photos i've ever seen it's him wearing uh like a raccoon kind of hat um a a like felt uh giraffe print vest so cool uh a wife beater and he has a really sexy gay a really sexy guy with an arm around him, and he's smiling, and he's wearing eyeshadow and lipstick. So cool.

Are you describing Ben last night on a grinder hookup? Yeah. I could not pull that look off. Yeah. I can't wear animal print. I can't wear print of any kind, really. I think Ben should get into V-necks. Oh.

No. I just think it goes so well with your personality he looks great jock you should style me one day for the aoc oh my god i thought that was s's reaction to in laughter form not cough like i think you should style me we should style each other we should style other. Or we should just switch outfits for the AOC. For one day at the AOC thing. I also have our prince costumes I'm going to bring. I think... You know what I think we should wear, Ben?

I think we should order some of those green suits. A morph suit? A morph suit so that we can have our hands and body floating. That would be really fun. I'm totally down. I can buy some. Ben has experience with using those.

Yeah, my first and only acting job, I was in a morph suit, a blue morph suit. Let's do the morph suit for your weather bit. Oh, for the Sniffy's weather report? Yeah, I didn't want to give it away. I didn't want the people to- Hey, well, the opportunity to see it. By the way, the Peter Gabriel shirt is fly Hess is wearing the coolest

Let's do text 12 I have it in an extra large and a medium And I can't find the medium It's a beautiful shirt You can fit into a medium? I could fit into a small probably Man fuck you bitch I'm sorry I knew you'd be mad

I can also wear a small that is not true that is absolutely not Ben and I pretty much have the same exact body dimensions honestly don't Hessa don't you dare compare Jock is going to be mad that we share something in common

that he slept on and that it's so tiny and small. Y'all could never live as fat as me. I'm just telling you. I certainly could not. You know what? I've been texting my mom because I'm at my mom's house and I've been telling her, can you please bring home a rotisserie chicken and boudin and

a vegetable dish? And she's going to do it for me because I am very depressed. Oh, sweetie. Well, that'll help. Well, this will help. Let's do text 12 a vegetable dish and she's gonna do it for me because i am very depressed oh sweetie well that'll help well this will help let's do text 12 i think jock you got to bring back the last voice yeah you remember what it was actually i want to hear your best media can you read this as media please i just like that i can't i can't no one's gonna call you racist it's fine no i just can't think of like what she sounds like just just just she's like ben why don't you give jock an example honey child ben maybe you should read it as medea and i'll be okay no no

no no no no don't you do i can't believe that she's like come in her you know she like trills her r's derrick honey child can you text me back quick? Right. Okay, now read that. They're so stupid to think that. So stupid. Okay, I'm calling an audible on this. Let him do it. No, I don't know. Yeah, y'all, you're trying to get me. Is it a real woman?

You're not impersonating a real black woman. No. Oh, my God. Now Ben's being super racist on Juneteenth saying that. Oh my god. Now Ben is literally saying that there's no real black women. Why didn't say that?

I'm going to rewind it. There certainly are real black women. I will... Let's push through this last one. I got it. Here, here, here. So stupid. so stupid. So stupid.

I'm going to have to come to a Jesus moment with them. I think I'm going to shoot them all. Get shot. I may need to shoot the shooter early. That'll do it. That'll be like, wait like tuesday whoa or maybe that beyonce song of the loudspeaker for everyone i was just about to take you this so he is he's threatening tyler's tyler has such a maniacal, almost godlike complex over his character. It's just like texting his victim, I'm going to kill everyone.

I'm going to kill everyone. Can anyone who's a lawyer tell me if it's illegal for Ben to text me like this? Can you DM me after the episode? Ben texts us this stuff all the time. I do. Can I read a text message from Ben? Please. For sure.

this stuff all the time. Can I read a text message from Ben? Please. Jacques, you're lucky I don't break your fat fucking ass for doing so badly. Break it real good. I'm threatening to have sex with you if you don't.

Hey Jacques, did you get that promo done? Because if not, I'm gonna shove a whole Christmas tree up your ass. That is how I text. That is how I text when the show needs to be promoted. Hey, Jacques. Did you do the promo today?

Because if not, you're okay. Is that what I sound like to you? Shut up. I'm trying to talk right now. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Sorry.

Shut up. I'm trying to impress you. Shut up. I'm trying to impress you. I'm trying to impress you. Hey, Jacques. You didn't get that promo done. Actually, wait. This is actually... Can I do a real impersonation?

Sure, please. I've always wanted to do it. Hey, Jacques. So, you... Did you forget something today? No, Ben. I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, can I be you? Wait, no. Stop. Stop. Stop. In this scenario, you did forget something today. uh no ben i don't know what you're talking about what what do you wait can i be you wait no you did in this scenario you did forget something oh um jock i think you all forgetting something

um i don't know what you're talking about ben jock you made a promise to me yesterday that you would do something you haven't done it and if you're not gonna do the promises you made, you better get away. What is that? In sucking on a penis? I certainly don't do that. Like a squirrel eating an acorn? You know what the most threatening thing Ben does to me is he just leaves me these audio

recordings where it's just his mouth going That's literally something you do. I'm like, I don't want to be sucked up by him just because I got in trouble I would never suck you up yeah you do it's fine Hessa you don't know how many loads

I've given to seeking derangements in order to make this program keep going so you're Derek in this you're Derek I'm Derek you're derrick in this you're derrick yeah you're derrick i'm derrick you're tyler um the y'all never should have let me do accents i'm derrick yeah jack just remembered how fun it is to do accents now he loves it i am derrick and you're tyler tyler no his texting style tyler perry's texting style really reminds me of something. I cannot remember what it is.

It reminds me of a person. No, it's not you. It's not you. No, because he does text in that kind of the way that it seems completely junk where words are missing. That part is very, but when you're fucked up, you text in haikus. Like it's literally completely incomprehensible. And there's like a line break at a random point can you pull up my text messages i mean i don't know what the haiku ones sound like but it's just

like no but y'all can't be mad at me because i am in a bucket right now and i'm eating and my mom is mad can i do an impersonation ofessa? My mom saw me in the bathroom. I'm not well doing good, y'all, for everyone. Okay, hey. Last night I had bad dreams, y'all. Let me do an impersonation of Hessa. Okay. Have you guys ever seen Megalopolis?

It's really a cool movie. I hate that movie. I've never talked to... I've never said that movie's good. Yeah, she's never talked to me. Hey, it's me, Hessa, and I am a beautiful woman, and I love Megapolis. Okay.

Here's a text from Jacques that I just found. It says email, and then it's a picture of your naked body. Oh my god i remember jock do you remember jock sent us nudes it was like y'all don't look at the 70 photos i just sent you i did not ever you did i have never has to do you remember this this might have been before i came on the pod i have never once in my life sent a nude you oh, my eyes have seen it. I mean, this is really funny.

I mean, Chuck, this text is... I don't even know what the context was for this, but you said email and then a picture of your shirtless body from the mouth down, basically. Can I be honest? Looking horny as fuck. Can I be honest? Can I be honest?

Because women ask me for pictures of my stomach and I send them. Because they like it. You've mentioned that before. Also, guys, stop pranking Jock. Oh my god. You motherfuckers have taken it way too far. If you tell us it's an accident

and you didn't mean to, that doesn't count. The most recent one was literally an accident. I talked to that guy. It was 30 minutes minutes he let it go on for 30 minutes yeah i feel like that's too long to keep it going can i explain can i explain what happened go below your nose i'll explain go i will kill him go i called him you're fucking i have his address and his phone number he's dead well it's your fault so you have your't have your address, by the way. He doesn't. Kill that motherfucker.

So Jock yesterday texted us and he was like, y'all, I want to get Pendejo time on the show. I'm going to text Jake. And Jock does not save any numbers in his phone. And he only goes off of the area code. And so there was a man who called Jock to prank him from the same area code that Jake... to prank just to say hi i feel like it was you know it was a it was an initial prank that didn't go anywhere it was probably

just like your refrigerator is running or something um and jock was on the phone with this man for like 30 seconds hung up this man had the same zip code as jake from pendejo time and so then his name was also Jake. And so then I was like, okay, book Jake. Yeah, of course, let's have them on. And so then Jock calls the wrong Jake back. So yes, his name is also Jake. And then Jock is like, hey, Jake, you want to come on the show?

They both had 713 numbers. I already explained that. And so then I get a DM from this random Jake who's like, hey, just so you know, I did prank call Jock. I thought he was talking to me at first and wanted me to come on the show. So I was like, okay, sure, I'll come on the show. You don't remember?

You don't know what Jake sounds like from Fandango? This guy sounded like him and he was not. It was just like... So maybe we're really incentivizing the pranks because not only will we debrief him on the show, Jock might accidentally mistake you for Felix Biedermanerman and yeah i might accidentally add invite you to the show yo i got this guy named bob coming on the show he called me yesterday i made that guy scared i made him i made him repeat words i said in order to make promises that he would never do this shit

again and i'm out if he was very scared he was he was quaking in his boots from these messages he said i have his address his number and his full name well it was your fault yeah no he he fully could have said hey this is i said hey is this jake rhodes and he said yes i think he was confused because his name is also Jake. I think his name is Jacob and the other guy and I thought Jake was Jake. So he's a liar, first of all. He's a fucking liar.

But everyone out there, please do not. Seriously, if you want to shock a picture of his belly, go ahead. But do not prank him. If you want to prank me, guess what? Go ahead. Wake up with a face full of lead and a crying family because you've been gone that's a direct you ever heard a gone girl well guess what you're about to be gone girl you're about to be gone boy um they call me gone boy have you guys i keep trying to gone girl

people it doesn't work we get it right away they never never work have you guys noticed that people don't say homo anymore shut up this was my thing that i was gonna bring up no because i actually hear mo's mo is a classic one i love mo is i like homo more it has more punch to it i actually watched a season 32 episode of Simpson or 27, 32. It's a more recent season of Simpsons. And Moe decides that his business is slow. And so he's going to change his gate with the help of Smithers. He's going to change his gay bar into a, can you, whatever you're doing into a bar, you mean?

Yes. He's going to change his regular bar into a bar you mean yes he's gonna change his regular bar into a gay bar so he takes the e off of the mo's and and it makes it m o apostrophe s i mean i love mo i love homo um i mean mo was good in the beginning seasons when he was like scary and had a shotgun and pointed at people no i mean the term became so sad the term this is how you teach your girl oh this simpsons hour is over oh no we can we can i mean we have six minutes left and then i have to go pick up a bunch of stuff okay wait if we have six minutes left let me run through some of my things in my notes app because i had an idea for a segment where i read the funny things that i have written down in my notes app let's hear um okay uh here i have uh women doing the shocker to themselves

what's the shocker it's like two two in the pink one in the stink but like doing that to yourself wait so these are just erin erin things yeah these are just random thoughts um no these are just like her list of to do here's one it's like you've heard of a Maxinista TJ Max someone who chops what about a Mansonista and it's like you love Charles Manson I mean I love putting Easter I'm sorry I love you

I support you I reject that idea okay um prestigenitation you've heard of prestidigitation where you do no I have like levitation or slight of hand but prestigenigitation where you do no i have like levitation or a slight of hand but prestidigitation is when you point at someone's dick and you like focus really hard and it starts floating a little bit up in the air and going oh i heard digitation i imagined you could scan someone and tell how big their dick is i heard nothing there's just screams in my head. This one, what if there's a jacked Greek guy named Bron. Bron Zeno.

Okay. That's pretty good. This one just says, try to convince Jock he is a ghost during an episode. Oh, we've done that before. Okay, okay. But that would be a really good one. Like they do with kids. Where they're like, we can't see you anymore. I hate those jokes.

And the kids start crying. Okay, here's an idea for a scam. It's called Stone Soup. We convince, we create a restaurant that serves something called Stone Soup. And we get stones. We specify that they're from igneous rock stones. Like from the deep volcanic pits of Hawaii. And putting them in water and boiling it

creates a mineral yeah a mineral i would absolutely i would 1000 beyond that there are they do they do put stones in soup and a lot of chinese cuisine okay i'm gonna fucking kill myself um here's a really good one uh the picture of dorian's gay and it's like the picture of Dorian Gray but instead of the portrait of Dorian Gray getting older and older and more grotesque as he stays young it gets gayer and gayer as he stays straight

me after six months on G okay I don't remember what this one is it's it just says grocer p store um like a put on grocery store oh that's what it is yeah grocer p store and you know what you can buy there is if you like um it's like a grocery store but it's like they sell asparagus and like right beats and like shit if you like like piss play you go there to get grosser pee so you can pee on people and it can be gross that's um okay uh handing a bank teller a note that says i'm trans love that well well i have really bad makeup on um i like so they think

that i'm like about to steal about to rob the bank and i look scary as fuck right i have like i'm wearing a ball of lava because i'm trans and i don't want my face to be in public yeah well i'm like wearing a crazy wig and i'm wearing it looks like i'm wearing like a real like a flesh mask basically and i'm wearing like rubber gloves and i just hand them a note that says i'm trans that's a very funny idea instead i'm like one dollar please you you hand them the note and your credit card and your id and and and um the note says i'm a mute transgender and you go okay we're publishing special dark plans to our patreon that's right we already did that um here uh oh here's a really good idea a genius idea i had what if we replace the water in the guanus canal with freon um because it's gross

there already right but if we replace it with like refrigerator coolant like it's going to be equally as gross but it'll make guowanus like very cool and like cold you know it'll help air condition the area are you on drugs and it could come it could invent some like new kinds of like animal species too yeah um okay oh wait one more

this one's really good I need one minute at the end of this episode okay this one is really really good um okay you know how in at the end of this episode. Okay. This one is really, really good. Okay. You know how in The Godfather they wrap the fish in newspaper and give it to them

and they're like, that means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. Oh, you've done both. You've already done this, Judd. God fucking damn it. I did this one already. You did this one

in our episode with Kay. Oh, yeah, that's right. And then he ends up at basement. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I did a few of these on the episode with Kay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This one just says Streganona was tearing, she was pussed out.

Well, that's just true. Jock, what's your plug? NBC may cancel entire Real Housewives franchise amid 20 million lawsuit from Brit, Brittany Eadie, who on the Housewives of Atlanta this season got revenge porn posted of her. She got pictures of her sucking dick.

Kenya Moore had a party and she brought out like cardboard like like pictures like poster board pictures and took the curtain off the poster board. And it was pictures of this one of the castmates sucking dick from before she was married saying, look how much of a whore this woman is. Whoa. And now real now real housewives might be shut down permanently. Well, that would be disastrous. Something that won't be disastrous is calling to me and Jock's live public access takeover, calling to attention seekers.

The dates will be in there. And Jock, I need the numbers for the various studios. Can I get that by Sunday when this will be posted so I can let people know which lines to go on? Yes, ma'am. Thank you, Gary. Goodbye, everyone.

Thank you for listening. And if you want more bonus content, go to patreon.com. Bye, everyone. Bye. I'm going to go. Será que tú no tienes corazón Y si lo tienes Tienes que ser muy negro Y duro como una piedra Sí, ay Dios Duro como una piedra

Sí, ay Dios Duro como una piedra. Tú quieres vivir tu vida de tu manera, pero tienes que comprender que cuando encuentres quien te quiera, debes conservar ese amor y no querer vivir como tú quieres. Sí, ay Dios, debes vivir como tú quieres. Sí, ay Dios, debes vivir como tú quieres. Mami, pero qué sabe. Mommy, you know what I'm talking about