Seeking Derangements - SD 432 - Siri, Is Sausage a Meat? W/ Pendejo Time

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

Hello Seekers! Ben here, today Thomas and Jake of Pendejo Time join us! Jacques gives us a rundown of some recent celebrity news, Jake tells us about going to the Abbey and SUR, and we read through some submissions to the Ethicist. Plus we find out what it's like to do 1000mgs of THC then go to the dentist.

1. What's wrong, what's wrong, you're actually extremely visible right now, Chalk. I'll tell you, I'm not that high, though, to be high visible, but I'm not high visible. That's amazing. Well, welcome everyone at seeking derangements. Ben, Jock, and Hesse here. And, of course, joining us are the Pendejo Time Boys. Hello.

Jake, welcome. How's it going? Good, good, good. I was in the dentist office this morning, and I was like, I can't today. I have a recording with the Pendejo boys. You went to the dentist's office just to tell him you can't do any dental work. Wait, who were you on the phone with? A friend of mine.

I was calling me at the dentist. Okay, so why would you have to be in the dentist's office for that? Wait, what is going? I got to turn up. My phone is making a noise. Start a stereotype single-handedly about Cajuns talking on the phone at the dentist. Man, me-la, you can't go to the dentist without a Cajun talking in the room. They use it as a quiet room because none of them go to the dentist, so it's always empty.

How was the dentist, Doc? How are your teeth? They said, no cavities, so that's a first time. That's awesome, man. I have so many cavities, dude. They did say, they scared the shit out of me. They were like, you know, they were like looking at my gums and they go, you know, gum cancer is on the rise right now. And I said, excuse me?

And they said, oh, no, I mean, like someone in the, we found someone yesterday in the office who had gum cancer. I was like, why would you tell me that while you're looking at my teeth as if you're going to find. Literally something that doctor from 30 Rock would say. Yeah. Dr. Spachemann. I love Dr. Leo Spachemann. I went to one of those CVS minute clinics because I was having a headache, and I just wanted some medicine. And the nurse was like, it sounds like you have a geoblastoma.

She's just like a nurse that works at Stevie. It's like not a doctor. And I was like, what? And she was like a geoblastoma, like some of the stuff you're describing sounds like a brain tumor. And I was like, you're like the doctor that gives me medicine and notes to go back to when i drink too much alcohol like you're not a real doctor you're just like a fat gay guy that just gives me go back to school notes yeah your your job is to be like make sure you have water when you drink this yeah to the inside of your throat and look you you don't need to be going to these

cvs minute clinics to get a fat guy to write you a fat gay guy to write you excuses to going back to work because you got one right here it'll do it for free i just have a post-it note that i go to my boss. This says Jake is fine. Love Jack. Britain and Cran. Yeah, yeah. All the R's are backwards.

Yeah, yeah. There's like, there's drool on it. I do, I did a, I did get a head injury last time I was in, uh, in the New York subway.

And it made me drool a lot. I slammed my head on the back of one of those metal things, uh, but on the wall. The wall. I slammed my head on the wall. Um, and,

after that we sat one of those metal things that keeps you inside a room we're going to coney island and then I hit my head so hard and then I sat down and I just uncontrollably started drool started and my friends said it's extremely disturbing

were you okay well I mean I'm alive today I watched SpongeBob that night till 4 a.m. Everybody probably thought you were really hungry yeah he's really you probably can't wait to go to the boardwalk and get some cotton candy They wanted some cock and candy is what they wanted

Yeah I don't know y'all are the Pendejo boys I thought y'all might have some uphand on what the gays are doing these days No I don't think any gay guys listen to the show maybe like five I just thought always y'all were gay because y'all had that whole Pendejo in the title i thought that was like you know we're straight we pretend to be straight but we're gay how is Pendejo a gay word it's not i thought Pendejo meant gay in Spanish this whole time.

No, that's Hoto or Maricon. Yeah, yeah. Pendejo's like asshole or like. Yeah, yeah, dumbass or something. We should change the name of the show of Hoto time. That would be funny if we didn't know what Pendeo met the whole time and we were like, no, it means like cool guy. It was a badass guy.

Dude, I was in New York. The last time I was in New York visiting Thomas and water fell on my arm like from the subway track and then I got a rash on my arm literally the next morning at his apartment where the water dropped on me. And I told somebody was like, oh, you might have hep C. You can get hepatitis from the train. And I was like, yo, I hate this city.

You're the only person where there's water falling down. You're like, oh, no, there's water getting on. I have to stand under it. And the soap water. Cockchucker, that's no what happened. Oh, this stuff my water is getting into my mouth. He's like, I don't want to waste it. It's, I'm in New York only once.

It's really hot outside. And where I'm from, you don't waste water fall from. Biscouse, I started drinking. He clipped in the 15. Thomas, I got to drink it. They charge $7 for a bottle of water. This might be the only water I get the whole trip. Why, aren't there a rain barrel under this?

Excuse me, sir. Getting apprehended, getting put in a chokehold via the subway cough on their boat. Yeah. Well, Jock, I know you had some celebrity news you wanted to. Right away? You want me to get right away into this? Well, we're doing the show. It's part of that.

You've been texting all week about Little Nas' drug-induced mental breakdown, which I don't really have much of interest in talking about, but I know you have some thoughts, so what are you? Well, I mean, come on, the video is like downright hysterical, and I'm sorry, like, you don't, the first thing you feel for a celebrity when they go through something crazy is not, oh, they're, shit, oh. Also, he's a, he's a fucking asshole. He's an asshole to my friend online and sucks. he sicked a bunch of his fans on my friend and what did your friend do what are you talking about i'm sure your friend is entirely innocent to this exchange my friend worm my friend worm was getting serena edge slayer was getting attacked online by little nostags what who is the old friend of mine but she is she okay she's she did she survive okay okay you survived so i just okay first of all i love that he showed up to a random hotel in that same

outfit before the recording happened and he's like we don't know what you're talking about i haven't seen this recording what do you mean he's like in the he's in the street in his underwear or something but you really don't you had so so little not the little on his i know the story he was filmed walking other street in l.a and nothing but like a bedazzled pair of underwear and white pumps. No, they were just plain underwear and just black and just white cowboy boots. Very psycho behavior, if you ask me. Is it though?

I mean, for him. It's kind of just like what gay guys do when they like do amphetamines. Yeah, I was going to say like I've seen gay guys do that that don't have money or fame. There's just, they'd be doing shit like that. Like all of my, I remember one time, um, my fiance's best friend, we were just at a, we're at a party. he's one of those down southern gay guys that like with zero beer he talks like I'll talk and then he has one beer

he's like hello and you're like oh there it is and halfway through the party he just shows up he had Levi's on in some shoes and then he disappears for like half an hour and comes back in a boa and a pink foot bedazzled fedora and then high heels on and he's like hello

and I was like oh hey what's up Cody and he's like he got mysterious too out of nowhere he works at the store so I think like I think this is just one hit of Tina. Yeah, exactly. Like Superman running to a phone booth and tearing off normal clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I feel bad for Little Nus X. I don't feel like dunking on him or making fun of him. I mean, honestly, I feel like when celebrities do this, it's because they're facing an immense amount of pressure that the public isn't aware of for whatever various reasons in their job. Yeah, like I've heard Little Nossacks might be gay. The press can be so cruel to them. I feel like he should just be, let him get sober or something.

I think about this thing that one of my friends from Twitter a long time ago said, like when people get weird about famous people acting up, like you ask yourself the question, think about the most annoying friend you have who wants to be famous, and then imagine if they got everything they wanted. So, me? No, literally. Didn't joc.

Yeah, how insane and insufferable they would get high all day. because they get high all day now. They would wander the streets because they wander the streets now. You know what I mean? On roller stage. This is kind of hitting me a little too close to home. I feel like you just did three home runs on me in a row. Well, Jock, I mean, hypothetically, if you got extremely famous, let's say,

not that you aren't already extremely famous, I don't need to trigger you, but let's say even more famous and you had a drug-induced mental breakdown, how would you hope that that was covered in the media? I mean, to be fair, I should, it should be handled exactly as this. Okay. Well, I guess that you are being fair then. Yeah. Fat faggot, gay.

Fat faggit. Kill this man. I want to bring up the funny parts about it. He, like, his candens and the way he's talking, he's like, I'm going to the party. Like, the way he just delivered. He's like, I'm going to the party. He's one point he goes. He's high on math.

Maybe he's just going to a party. I don't know. The funniest thing is when the guy is just still following him in his pickup truck recording him. And he goes, give me your phone. I'm going to throw it so far away that you can never get it back. And he said, I hate phones. It was a disturbing video. I can't be the only person that thought it was funny.

I'm sorry if I. No, it was. I did see it and I was like, whenever I see, for example, Whenever I see Justin Bieber say anything, my brain has two responses. It is, this is very sad. I feel bad for this. Once a boy. Also, the other thing is, this is hilarious to me.

With Justin Bieber, I don't feel bad for him because I feel like he's getting better. I feel like he's becoming a cooler guy. He's becoming, I understand him more now that he's like this. Yeah, that's true. And he's a guy where I feel like our social circles are starting to overlap a little bit. probably he's very clearly like doing he has what i like to call like the aura of an opiate addict yeah absolutely like you you guys are talking about tina there's a tina behavior and then there's opiate energy and i have that permanently to me i think it's hope opiate yeah i think he

i think he's got so much going on like in a good way that i think it just overflows sometimes yeah that's maybe true your hair looks too together for you to be an opiate junkie to me at least i i think it's um it's not necessarily an aesthetic presence it's just an energy that you have right yeah like when also be coupled with aesthetics but yeah like when when you see justin biver like go on instagram live at like one p.m you're like oh no whereas with little nas x you see him go on instagram live at one a.m and it's like oh no also two different energies. I want to say this to you guys.

Also, he punched a cop. That's pretty cool. Let's just give them the props for that. I mean, yeah, that's, you know,

good job, good job, little Mozax. I, uh, when I was in last time I was in West Hollywood, I was staying there

and I was doing stand-up in the city. And, uh, I went to all the, uh, Vanderpump rules spots. And then I also,

I went to the abbey. Oh, really? How was the abbey? Oh, right? That's scary. I went,

okay. So I went there and I was at the comedy club, later on and i was like i went to the i went to the pink pony place and everybody was like why the fuck would you ever do that they were like why'd you go did you go alone and i was like yeah what's going to happen to me and they're like i mean it's everybody i talked to was like that's rape club and i was like oh like i didn't know what to say it's like yeah last time i was in hollywood like doing stand-up for a living it was like the craziest thing happened i went to like this famous club and everybody told me not to go but like i'm just crazy

I do. The only story I hear about the Abbey is people getting drug there. Like, people have been getting drugged there for like five to ten years. Like, that's the deal with that place. It did seem that way. Parity. Just in case, legally. Wait, why did you say parody? Isn't that, isn't that absconding me from legal slander or something?

Absolve? You're afraid of the Abbey, of the Abbey suing us because we're saying people get raped there? well I guess if there's court documents it might be fact well if it happened I believe that would make it a fact I'm no lawyer but I think if it just happens a lot there then that's what happens there how well do you remember your time at the abbey a pretty crystal clear I had one cores light

which I'm surprised they had there and then I and then I left shows you having four gin double martinis the security footage at the bar also shows you yelling saying quote make them dirtier there's not enough olive juice that's pretty rude i'm looking at pictures of the abbey right now and i have to say it's really funny that this is like a scary place yeah yeah yeah it just looks like the stone wall like stonewall where it's like it's like It's a gay bar? I don't think, I don't think it's scary.

Yeah, it's a gay bar. I don't think it's scary in the way that like, I don't know, like a favela is scary. It's scary because people are getting like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a gay bar. I've never been there myself. I guess it just doesn't sound like that scary of a setting to me, but it could just be like me being progressive or whatever. I'm just not as gross out by it as a lot of people.

I also got the feeling it was like Bass Pro Shops for gay guys. Like, it's very much everything that exists to be gay. But like, you know Like a fucking The spot or whatever the hell It's like college girls Hanging out there mostly Yeah

I like Vanderpump rules So I had a good time going to all the spots How was sir? I've always wanted to go If you had to rank them sir Tom Tom Yeah Okay so Pump was fucking a blast and a half

But it's connected now It's like Tom Tom and Pump are connected In the one thing And so Yeah because the The landlord for pump suddenly revoked their rent or something or, like, said they owed rent or something. Also, when I was in, sir, there was just an Israeli guy walking around complaining about the building. And I knew he was Israeli because he just, that accent is like, you just hear it anywhere.

Because he kept being like, there are children alive in this building and it's still standing. That's what he was complaining about? He was like the walls aren't too loud and the flowers are not real. And I was like, I thought he was like the inspector. And so I was like, oh, the inspectors here. And then the flowers are not real. The inspector checking off a box fake flower. But then I realized like, no, this guy's just mad that he's outside.

And he has to complain or whatever. So it's pretty awesome. He would have loved the date rape happening at Abby. Yeah, he was absolutely Maybe he was swung by I would like to think that he may have Wait, Jock, what's your next piece of celebrity News? Well, it's just

news in general. Well, first of all, I want to say that how I got ready for today's recording was that I watched of a compilation of Natalie Nunn on British Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother. I barely know who Natalie Nunn is, so I'm really

assuming. Who the fuck is that? Nor Jake knows it. Natalie Nunn is. Let me look her out. A lot of Nunn heads here. How do you spell none? They posted a picture of Northwest with her mom. Wait, wait. Let Jack explain this picture to us. It's really insane because I don't know if it's just the shoes that they have her in. She looks like a 30-year-old. She is a 12-year-old. I'm like, this is like almost criminal negligence to have like a daughter.

To have a girl so sexy. So- All right. To have a girl. The call might be coming from inside the house on this one. I did not say sexy. I just, it's like,

it's slightly provocative. A 12 year old in a corset that's not provocative? I mean, maybe it's a southern thing. We used to put, you know, boys and girls in corsets pretty young. Yeah.

Because, you know, just to say we could make the blue jeans smaller. Most of I'm just surprised that there hasn't been some kind of public form of outrage from Kanye West because he's always talking about trying to like keep his daughter modest and stuff.

I don't know. It's just, do you think that might have something to do with what's going on? Yeah. Insane father who's a Nazi being like Does that not look like a doesn't that look like a crazy like a person? I don't want to look at it. I mean, I'll be honest

with you. It looks, it looks like the 12 year old daughter of a celebrity. I don't. Yeah, I was like when you're a kid and your parents are like known for either getting getting pipe down on camera or being a black nazi you're probably going to be super fucked up constantly all the time and your life's going to both be awesome and suck really bad so i i think that's probably part for course for her and i hope it i hope it turns around for her and i hope nothing bad happens to her

yeah probably hoping against she's lucky she didn't go to school of me because i would have made fun of her i would have made her want to know i would have been such a jock to her i would say i don't care who your daddy is getting the lock or chump I just thought, look, I chose what articles were the weirdest from daily mail to me. Um, it, I, let me see. The pedophile test. Does this picture turn you on?

There was no headline in the article, and it really made me feel like it was an article about something completely different. The judge just saw that picture and was like, whoa, that was what the article was about. It just, look, I, there was like, there she's always in the news already she just did the FCA twigs song or whatever and she didn't look like that

Northwest oh my God imagine being the paparazzi assigned to Northwest and like every time you're taking pictures you just have to be like ah man I hate this

oh god I should have done real journalism you wanted to be Walter Cronkite and I take pictures of kids for a living she's going to Airwant again me fuck my life i thought this so this is from the daily male female section spelled f e m a i l swag um and exclusive snake cuddler dad defends letting his kids share beds with 100 serpents that's what that's a british that's a british slur for gay men snake cuddler yeah sir is that in the woman's section

of the daily male because it's about childhood or raising children, I guess. Okay. I think it's pretty like, that's fine. Like, I... Listen to this name, first of all, before you even form an opinion. Father of two,

Socrates, is it S-O-C-R-A... Oh, my God. That's awesome. Socrates. Socrates, Christopher. Socrates is so cool. From Florida has 100, over 100 snakes.

He clapped back at the haters who may judge his obsession to the Daily Mail. Okay, I looked up Daily Mail Snake Charmer, and there are conservative, there are conservatively 700,000 daily mail articles about someone with a snake, which is a surprising amount to me. I think British people see snakes and they're like, huh, like, it's one of the things that, like, they just don't, it freaks them out or whatever. Santa Patrick was supposed to have gotten rid of these. Hold on a minute. Yeah. I like how the news from, all the news from the UK is like

a man seen wearing Palestine shirt jailed indefinitely. Like they just, they're going hard as hell over there. They're not messing around. I'm going to the female section now to see what's, what's going on here? The female section. I'm going to the female news.

See what's happening on in their world. Yeah. This weekend, female news new kind of dress released yeah it's called a dress release get it yeah yeah chinese talent agency denies performing an exorcism on popular actress to cure her depression well chinese do exorcist chinese talent agency denies performing an exorcism on actresses zow lucy to secure her depression i bet it works when they do it honestly yeah they're very Exorcism. Yeah, yeah. It's like a Chinese electric car, how it's a lot cheaper and better than an American electric car. A Chinese exorcism is a lot quicker and a lot safer. On a 26-year-old, how are you 26 and are you possessed by demons? That's where I'm... I feel like 26 is when you start. I feel like that's old. That's when schizophrenia starts, I feel like... Oh, true. I went completely nuts around 24, and I think had I went nuts like 200 years ago, they would have just done some magic to me or something. Yeah. Well, I think... Well, I think...

also like ghosts attack teenage girls is famously what they do right yeah like in all those ghost stories and all the conjuring movies it's always a teenage girl in all those like yeah i feel like exorcisms happen i mean the exorcist that was a teenage girl also yeah so i feel like if anything 26 is old like she is a late bloomer in the in the in the demon world i feel like it's teenage girls and like young queenie boys of course that's the the like the depression thing like I know for a while there was like an urban legend like oh well it was actually a precursor to LSD from the mushrooms in the water and it ended up being a bunch of shit like right up until like 1970 if you were like a horny woman or like a little bit gay they would just throw you in the mental hospital or they were just yeah that was just kind of the thing and it wasn't caused by like any type of magic it was just yeah you can't be acting like that or whatever well yeah that's I feel like that's why it's always teenage girls in stories about exorcisms because there's the ones who are most likely to lie and be like, I'm possessed by a demon or to be like completely traumatized and be like, let's be real. Being possessed is, a straight guy being possessed

is very suss. Like I remember Ben, you had like a list of suss things. I think you can add if like a guy being possessed by demon, getting an exorcism also. Getting an exorcism, having a man come into your bedroom and yell at you until you start, you know, obeying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming. Yeah, I hate when that happens. I hate it I hate it so hard I can't stand it The guy yells at me

To like come oh I just hate that Has that happened to you before No Okay I wanted to tell you Ben I always invoke your comment About being a sex negative gay guy Whenever like

Whenever like anything comes I was where somebody To be homophobic Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like we were when when jock first told me about sniffies are like you had said something like like that we had this has to stop and now every time it gets brought to conversation which isn't that often usually it's like once a year uh i'm like oh yeah there's a guy i know who was like he's gay and he said this has to stop so i'm going to invoke his words these are not mine

please these are i think i think if anything i would be pissed off if it stopped That was when I log on, man. Where would I go? Yeah, exactly. I've been publicly begging and harassing the Sniffy's podcast to let me come on their show. And, of course, it hasn't worked at all. But I recently was, I was at the boiler room and my friend Emerson. You were literally in your building's boiler room.

No, it's a gay bar. It's a famed gay bar. Gay bar. And my friend Emerson was like, oh, the producer of the Sniffy's podcast is here. we just saw this like some gay movie together and I was like okay I got to get ready to I got to get really ready to pitch myself on this and then I think he found out that I was there and he left but I was talking to one of his friends he's like oh you've been trying to get on what he's been doing and I've been it's like we've just been tweeting at them like please please please let me

come on this show please I need you imagine that you also left hundreds of insane voicemails I did tell them I've been leaving them voicemails and his friend was just like well that doesn't make any sense they're not going to let you on the show and i was like right right they're not letting me on the show i've been leaving insane voicemails to the same podcast thing and i end them all and by the way this has been more yeah that's actually true some of them have happened on this podcast jock didn't you have a you had a conversation with a guy for like half an hour who said he was me and then you guys i i fucking schooled this guy into oblivion and And he had a sort of similar voice and he had...

Can you explain what happened, Jock, from start to finish? First of all, he had the same area code. Second of all, I was trying to pitch to him, hey, because I thought it was you, Jake, that we should do a show together in Austin. And I was, you know, like, hey, I'm coming into Austin in September to do some shows anyway. It's going to be my birthday around then. Why were you confused as to who this was? Because they both had the same area code.

And they, and they said, you said, they said, said, this is Jake. And you said, Jake, good to see you. And started being like, let's do a show. You don't save contacts in your phone. And that's the crux of the issue here, is that you don't save contacts in your phone. So you've developed this insane system where you remember people zip codes. And do you think zip codes are singular to like the individual? No, but thousands, hundreds of thousands of people can live in a certain. I had just talked to Jake on the internet and said, hey, are you busy? Can I call you? And he said, yes. And so there, Jake is not getting a call and then another guy calls me and then he it's his I'm like so I lied and said

I was about to call Jake I immediately said hey is this Jake and he said yes yeah the guy messaged me and he was like you have some plans you need to sort out with Jacques I've been pretending to be you on the phone I agreed to do a stand-up show with John I was like what dude why would you do that he's like I just thought it was funny and I was like this is really fucked up man I don't know it pissed me off I called him back and and I left him some I said if you I left him some very threat if you ever make me think you're someone else because I don't stick contacts in my phone I'm gonna kill you I told it if you ever lie to me or fuck with me again I swear to God I will slit your throat

from neck to neck Jesus Christ from neck to neck I got the knife just sharpened I'm like I'm fucking ready to get this guy gutted I'm gonna slit you from neck to neck neck like a fat guy guys neck. I'm going to get you from neck to chin, boy. I'm going to cut you. You're going to have a single chin by the time I'm done with you.

I'm talking to him candidly because I think it's Jake, not some fucking doppelganger poser. And if you think I'm always slid and party or throw, you're dead wrong. I'm getting the whole thing, the whole kitten caboodle. This guy's lucky

he didn't get anvil dropped on him and watch him get squished in one take. I would have transformed him into a liquid puddle. Jacques's threats are like that video of the girl's dad yelling at her computer, like, I got the FBI on the line right now, and I'm tracing all of your computers. So the police have been notified. Jack's like, you're lucky I don't paint a road onto the side of a cliff. I'm going to run him over with a golf cart.

And the sad thing is, is I don't have a license. So it's not going to be done right. It's going to be, it's going to take a few times. Jacques, you don't have a driver's license? I've only driven a car twice in my life. Do you think they would just let me go on the road, willy-nilly? What were those two occasions? What were those two times?

The first time was of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy. Shout out. Thanks for the breakup. And I drove around the parking lot. We made a video. It's actually a video on seeking derangements. if you scroll far back enough of me learning how to drive from my ex

then probably a few months later she broke up with me and it was maybe like a night or two after I had after she broke up with me first my friends treated me a sushi then I saw Dennis Rodman twice in one day it didn't make me happier I was having a shitty day then I had the DJed the show my friend says hey I can't drive home

because I'm drunk and I have one of those breathalizers in the car can you do it Perfectly sober, rational person to drive my drunk ass. Jack blows into the breathalyzer and the car, like a tow truck shows up and takes the car away. It goes, car deactivated. But I saw, I mean, I was not that fucked up. I was just on edibles and, um, and it was my second time ever driving a car first time ever on the roads. It was the middle of the night and I was in an detained, a compromised emotional state.

You know Houston enough, Jake, right? And Thomas too, right? Okay, so I have to drive from sixes and sevens to, like, near heights kind of, but without taking the highway, because that wouldn't have worked out. And we drove by cops and stuff, and I didn't get stopped, and it was such a good feeling. The only annoying thing is that his hand kept holding up the breathalyzer thing to me while I was driving, because they had to blow it every 15 minutes. Oh, right, because they enter the car sober And then they are so addicted to a drug driver

And they start drinking after Yes, yeah, I had to do that I had to blow into my dad's a bunch And Thomas don't Don't say anything About blowing into my dad's anything Don't say anything about

I didn't It wasn't on my mind It wasn't on the back of my mind Maybe he was on the back of yours My dad, it was weird His was in the back seat I don't know I didn't think Thomas

was going to make a joke I just thought you were your dick, you were just being like, Thomas, please don't tell them anything about my dad. No, no, no, no. There's no secrets that I have. No, it's on the show. It's all on the show. Oh, nice. Yeah, I don't do well with secrets particularly.

Good to know. Not that I would ever tell you any, I think. No fair. I just don't think I'm good at having them, but I have some. Like what? What are there? You just give it the opportunity to extract all of them from you. Yeah. Can you tell us at least just one of them?

Just tell us one secret, a medium secret. Tell us all of them. Okay. While this is not the secret, I'm going to tell a few days ago, someone said, tell me a secret. I didn't actually see Dennis Rodman twice in that day. I only saw him once. No, that is 100%. I was trying to be cool. Shut the fuck up. He was leaving the restaurant across Uchi, and then the net later we saw him at the alien bar. You shut up. All right, let's get one secret. Just one, just one tiny secret. Or one really big secret. secret yeah the secret i want to tell you a few days ago someone asked me to tell them a secret and i told them and it had them shocked and in all and it's um it's just too good i'll say it at the end of

the episode no say it you're gonna forget you can't blue ball us on the secret that you're gonna forget what it is also yeah we no no i'm i'm giving i i need to think of i want to think of a non-par one oh give me a break this one's this one this one's this one's the one i want to tell y'all is a crime can't do over audio recording but I can't just say it well we can bleep it out yeah I'll bleep it out no I can't trust y'all to to why because I

can't I I if I asked for something to be bleeped out the next day someone stops talking to me because they heard something I said about it because like actually I drove a third time and I killed a family four friends I have driven three times

and the third time was Dennis Rodman's car Stop with this, Dennis Rodman Nonsense. It was true. He lives in Houston. I killed Dennis Rodman with my car. It wasn't Dennis Rodman. It was actually Charles Barkley.

A secret. I was accused of murder wrongly once and I googled my name in combination. know the secret. In combination with the deceased person, and it came up on a form insinuating

that me and my father had committed this, a vicious crime before they had found the person who committed the crime. Okay. And you, but you didn't murder anyone? No. Okay. I guess that's not really a secret. I just don't, that's, that's a bad example. I've never heard this in my life. That's pretty crazy, man. It was shocking. I was Googling myself, trying to figure out some juicy. dirt and then I was like what accused of murder you're trying to find sorry you were trying to find dirt on yourself I was doing opo research on myself if you want to stop the ops you need to think like we're gonna nail this son of a bitch once in for all okay I see her in a secret um I feel like you don't have any secrets yeah that's that's kind of like you're lying about

having secrets no no no just tell us the big one you wanted to tell us. Tell us the big one. Come on. Just tell it to us. This is all I can say about it. I saw the movie Spring Breakers the night it was released at midnight and I felt inspired to do something myself. And I went and did it. And I got wide dreadlocks.

I said the end word, y'all. I gave some 14-year-old girl's struds. Yeah, I found some. high school girls. I watched that movie and I went and hung out with my friends. Oh, okay. A little bit of that ain't bad. That's not that bad. You know what

I mean? A little bit of that ain't bad. Was it armed? Or you just hanging out? Yeah. A little bit of that. Okay. I have never done that one. But that's pretty cool, man. That's sick. Yeah. Well, that means that they were home also and that they saw you.

Is that true? It wasn't a, um... It's a convenience store. it was not your okay see this is where i i almost shouldn't have said it and now i'm distracted by your mutt in the background transing around your room like oh oh jake's cat oh that's a cat no it's a dog his name's hank that's a cat oh that's sweet this is dolly i love that dog oh my god are you kidding me we should have just done the podcast with him it would have been a lot less hate speech can you believe you tried to get rid of her what Jake, yours.

I did not. I would never get rid of any dog. Can you believe he's trying to get rid of. Oh, wait, can I show you all? I made a sculpture of Jake and Thomas. Oh, God. It's the shrine? Please tell me it's in your closet with a bunch of candy.

No, it's right above it. It's above my important shelf. Oh, okay. Nice. Which one is me? Which one's Thomas? Two frogs kissing. That's Thomas.

That's you. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's two frogs kissing. Thomas is taller than you, right? Jacques clearly didn't make it. also it's something bought from somewhere Thomas is much shorter than me about about wait I made a sculpture of Ben

almost exactly the same height do you want to see the sculpture I made of Ben it's an audio medium keep in mind Jock but y'all just describe it to them so they'll know what this is green it's a frog doing a Michael Jackson it's a kid in blackface

Jesus Christ it's a kid in blackface it's clearly Jacques what the hell I make blackface the picture is It's a black and white picture of all of us and we're all dead. And it looks really real.

It looks real. It looks real. It looks real. I just ran it through an AI checker. It's not AI. It's a real image. It's a decomposition, too. We definitely died on different nights. We definitely. And not in nice ways. Not in good ways at all.

I feel like this episode, I've made a lot of mistakes. Like every mine that I could have stepped on, I've stepped on them all. I'm no more Well, that's okay. That's okay. Let's switch gears here. I have some submissions to the New York Times, the ethicist, which is their version of an advice column.

We love reading these on the show because it's a real peak into the psychotic mind of the New York Times subscribers. And not even just the subscribers, the subscribers who like want them to fix their problems. It's very funny. This one here. The problems are like, my 54-year-old brother doesn't have a job. Should I kick him out of my house? He'll be homeless. but I really want him to get back on his feet.

Another one was like, can I, can I, I'm a landlord of an iced detention facility. Can I continue doing this job without feeling guilty? Is that a real? That was a real one? Yeah, it was a real one. This one here is, I have always wondered if my husband is bisexual. Is it okay to out him? My husband and I married in 1992.

We were both around 30 years old, and each of us have had previous sexual partners of the opposite gender. although his heterosexuality was questioned in his discernment process for ordination what is that for like in a church he became a priest yeah yeah ordination he was always adamant that he was not gay he and i engaged in sexual intercourse for seven years not often and not pleasant for me and then around 25 years ago he said he would spare me any further request for sex and we have done nothing more than snuggle and cuddle since this has been fine with me as i never really enjoyed sex For a number of years, I have wondered if he is bisexual and if what we have is a lavender marriage. How might I broach this subject after all of these years? Sounds like you're pushy trash. That's what it sounds like to me. That's what it sounds like. That's not good.

It kind of seems like the only evidence she has for him being gay is he became a priest. Yeah. But seems to be like the gayest thing he's done. They are, these people are 65 years old. Yeah, right. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, they're 605.66. Five questions to ask your husband to know if he's gay.

How many times have you seen Glee? What's your favorite Madonna album? What's your shoe size? Why do you... What's your favorite kind of meat? And... What's the gay answer to that one? What's a gay answer for meat?

Sausage. What's your favorite fruit? And do you identify with that? If I ask somebody their favorite meat, They say sausage. I'm going to think they were so dumb. It's like the dumbest people have ever met. Because I was thinking honestly,

from a not gay perspective, but my own perspective, which is sausage is my favorite meat. Well, it's not a meat. What do you mean? It's not a meat. It's like saying a sandwich is your favorite kind of meat.

It's like saying cold cuts. Jock is Googling is sausage meat? A pork sausage, a beef sausage. Those are two different things. Those are two completely different things. A pork sausage. A pork sausage. I think Jacques said porch sausage.

Specifically, it's typically made from ground meat like porf, beef, or tors. No, no, we're not arguing about what a sausage is. We know what a sausage is. I don't think you understand what the sausage is. You literally had to Google the definition of sausage. you googled is sausage meat that's going to be that just got you off of an NSA watch list they're like we don't have to worry about this one jock what do you think about this woman do you think that her husband is bisexual how should she go about finding that out I feel like her

pussy is dry and she's aching for bone and she's looking for an excuse to bone other people aching for bone she's aching for bone she's looking for bone she's looking for bone she's looking for some of that she needs hip surgery the way those bones are scraping together yeah i just i every time you go there's a lot of them in austin where i see like an old well-to-do couple man and woman and i go this guy got married to her in like the late 80s when it was still kind of not cool to be a gay guy in texas and they just moved here and they just shop for plants together and he's got like a vest on like it's yeah i have seen i have seen a lot of that type of couple in dallas yeah Uh-huh. Yes.

So many, like, red men with, like, blight pink shirts and white pants. Me and Thomas talked about it a lot where, like, if you are born and live in a place, like, Texas or the South and Junior where it's like, it's not a socially acceptable, I would meet. I met a couple of families at each church I went to when I was a kid where, like, I would befriend the son. You know, we hang out together, skateboarded. And then I would go to meet the parents, and our parents would meet. And then the mom would be like, hey, how's it going? I'm Deborah, and this is Scott. And then she gestures to Scott.

And Scott's like, oh, hi. How are you? And you're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like Nathan Lane and Bitsy Von muffling. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like, and she's like,

Scott hangs out in the garage all day. He's working on his motorcycle and you go in there and there's a completely put together motorcycle in there that's not touched. Yeah, there's a tarp over it. Yeah, yeah. It's like, he's not, there's no tools in here.

What the fuck? Yeah. I feel I do. It's like a hub for those guys because they can, the straight place to live is dead. Well, and you can tell, like, me, like, looking so gay and, like, being so gay, you can tell when those guys see you, they kind of look at you with this, like, mix of resentment and longing and, like, just, they're deeply uncomfortable around gay men, and it's, it's not precisely homophobia. It's like, uh, you can tell the difference. Yeah, it's almost fear. It's like the ending of, um, what's that fucking movie? Watership down, Mission Impossible. No, what's the notebook? It was by, uh, what, yeah, yeah, it was the, naming movies. You got it on the third try.

You got on the third try. Saving Private Ryan. Two. That's awesome. I hope that the, I hope what would they do in the second one? It's pretty good. Oh, benediction. It's like the ending of benediction.

Is it kind of like, uh, like whenever you've been, you're in college and you're kind of telling people you're going through like a vegetarian or vegan phase, but you're like lying? Yeah. You're like around those people that you're lying to. you just eat like a nice bread or whatever and you're like fuck i'm going to tell everybody i'm like going through a lentils phase i don't know why a favorite me being a sausage is a point of contentment i feel like we're going it's not a type of meat jog if you told a vegan person

would you do you want to eat sausage they would say no that's meat i wouldn't eat it no they would say if it's vegan sausage yeah yeah and vegan sausage is actually really close and and taste, too. Yeah. Don't you dare ever try to throw me under the bus and say that vegan sausage is the same. You could probably find vegan and dewy sausage.

Don't you shut the fuck up, Thomas. They don't make it, and if they do, I'm going to rip it off the shelf and burger. Vegan and dewy. They probably make vegan budan too. Vegan cracklin. It's called like Field Something. I've seen it before.

Beyond meat, Cajun sausage. These people have to be stopped. These people have. have to be oh jacques you'll probably like this they have one that's made out of sweet potatoes sweet potato and yummy yummy oh that sounds so yummy i would love to try one oh yummy yummy soy yummy soy kajit's mustard yummy the soy budin would really hit the spot right now mhm i mean it it sounds good jac i just realized if you squint you're you dress like wario right now I see a bitch, a blankety bitch.

What does Blankety mean? You said it twice. Yeah, you keep saying blankety to me. I don't understand. Imagine like an old time doo-op song, and it's like, hey, it's Hessa, Hessa, yeah, she's a blankety, bitch. It's just kind of like what you would say in a song. It's like, okay. I like that.

I wrote one other do-op song recently. It was do-op, do-op, do-op. What do you mean when you wrote one other? This is the sound of a 1950s barbershop. This is way off top. but it just he'd that reminded me for some reason has i was watching the trailer for castration movie part two of my phone oh and i was on i was on tour and uh the sound guys on my drum kit and the sound guy comes in behind me and it was just a part of the trailer where uh

trans woman was dancing in a abandoned home with her tits out i suppose and uh he goes hey man what you're watching on your phone and i was like oh it's a movie i think my friends are in it my friends are in it my friends are in the movie and i got some friends from the computer and they make movies and he was like that's cool man whatever you whatever is on your phone that's fine and I was like no you can't you can't and then like later on people like what was it with you in the sound gone

I was like I was looking on my phone and I was watching a trailer of a friends moving my phone and there was some boobs on the phone and they're like that's not he was being extremely transphobic earlier you heard it first people Jake Rhodes gets ready for all of his comedy sets

by looking at porn on his phone like the fuck and he plays and he does comedy with a drum set down the junk to pick up the spunk because he spanked it all the time the hell nice i do i do love the idea of that though like somebody is about to go up and they're a little nervous and you're like hey man watch this

you'll help you and it's just it's just porn on yeah that's a really it's a white bitch bouncing of fucking god it's disgusting it's like really like her boobs are way too much Bohn is all sweaty. Jake's like, well, of course I look at porn before I go on stage, or I'd have a boner when I'm looking at the audience. Interesting.

Okay, well, another ethicist submission here. Yeah, to be answered that one, I think that that bitch should just stop complaining. Everything's fine. If you don't want to have sex, you don't like it, what's the problem? I think she just wants to yell at her husband for like not being horny enough for her, even though she's the one, Ben, like, she's the one, like, denying sex. You married, I know, but. Yeah.

It seems like it's her fault. for not being inspiring or people. She's probably just being a bitch wife and finding reasons to you on her husband. Correct. If you can't get a gay guy to have sex with you, regardless of who you are, that's on you. Yeah. Absolutely. My scientists have done some research, and they say she's 99.9% to be ugly.

So, I mean, the husband didn't stand a chance. He's never offered to do it in the butt or anything. If you're trying to find out if he's gay, be like, what you prefer to do my bum? you see yeah it's a good check as all women should go home and perform um a self breast exam you should also get your boyfriend and perform a gay exam on them and see if they choose butt sex or um pussy sex first and if so they're gay according to what's the breast exam about is that like not i'm not saying you should do that at all really yeah you should a woman being like would you rather have sex with my ass or my vagina would be such a red flag

yeah yeah you don't care out of me dude like you don't care which one it is even worse the next thing they say is I'm just checking to make sure you're not a faggot I'm not going to enjoy it either way just I'm really bummed me out my my week is ruined Sorry, y'all, my suggestions from the get-go have just been real off. I just want to apologize for everything. It's okay. You don't need to apologize.

You're fine. Do you want to get to the next one? I work in data security. Is it a problem that my boss believes in lizard people? I work in the IT department of a town government where our small team is led by a director who is a fervent conspiracy theorist. In casual conversations, the director frequently discusses bizarre ideas in a hushed, serious manner, as if revealing hidden truths.

Lizard people infiltrating the federal government, the Rothschilds as vampiric, blood drinkers, and JFK Jr., secretly controlling Trump with plans of a 2028 comeback. This individual is responsible for managing and securing the municipal data of a very affluent town. The potential risks are alarming. It is not outside the realm of possibility that this alternate reality could compromise the director's decision-making, potentially jeopardizing the security of our town's sensitive information. When I've raised my concerns with both the mayor and the head of HR, they swiftly

dismissed the issue and redirected the conversation. I am left in a difficult position, fearing not only for the security of our town's data, but also for my own job stability under a manager detached from reality. Is it ethical for someone in such a crucial role to openly espouse these beliefs at work? I was just say off-rip, like, I, when I was working, when I Facebook, all the IT cyber people who make like half a million dollars a year, all of their brain bandwidth goes to understanding that stuff, which is very complex and hard to understand. They are the dumbest people of all time.

Like people who have like a specialized intelligence. Any like computer brain people? Like I'm like, damn, brother, you have the skill in today's world. You're like a fucking shaman from a thousand. You have all the money, all the power. But like you talk to them and they're the same people. They're like, yeah, I mean, why doesn't an engineer just run the world? And you're like, oh, because you guys don't know anything at all about, like, human beings because you're not, you're barely human.

Like, I think that's probably like, I could see that guy being like a really smart, well-to-do guy and then just being completely like, although when you're in college, all the stem, the stem people you meet. They're like, and you're like, oh, you're something profoundly wrong with you. Like, you're not. People that are stemming, like autistic. Uh-huh. Yes. I hate them. They're disgusting to me.

Oh, rough. I think I have I think this lady's throwing around the terms crucial in regards to this guy's job very heavily like oh no the precious data of this poor town like what the fuck I mean what's it like is part of the risk that he's gonna see none of these give enough context because I'm wondering if he can like read people if he knows everyone in town's social security number or something because I feel like like I need more specifics on what his job is because But I'm, my concern from the town person's perspective is that he believes that the finances that he's managing are being mismanaged because of some kind of lizard conspiracy. And he's possibly fucking with the financials, thinking that he's fucking with the lizards when he's actually just fucking up with like. Okay. He's not working in finances, though. He's, it's data, they said. It's data. But I mean, this is, this is a good 30% of every 65 and up. male like the job in this country like they are all like fucking insane it's fine so it's not a big deal i mean i just i don't i don't really give a shit what happens to the small affluent towns like

precious data whatever that might be it is so funny to me though that they have a qanon guy in this role if the town is so small that this bitch could walk into the mayor's office be like hey my boss believes in lizard people and the mayor could be like i got a cow to milk at nine you got to get out of here i would love to tell i would love to tell this guy that one of his like female underlings is literally conspiring against him with the mayor yes oh my god also i want to use that as a phrase for i'm going to go jacket like i got a cow to milk at nine p.m i got to be home i want to i do say there's like a when uh when i was i like had a job where i was like interning at this like opposition research firm

when I was in college and I guess I was young enough to be like naive as to like oh people generally in positions of power this is in Austin like aren't insane and they don't believe in a bunch of dog shit and that is like so far from the truth because they're people

after all and people are they some people believe in stupid dog shit like my my boss she was one of the people that Elon Musk when he was like a lib was going to tape to to margin in 2019 this was like 2014 and she was like yeah we'll be there so this was a lady who like did campaigns for hillary clinton like you know she was like a very influential in the lib world and she was like we're going to be there we're going to go with elin he's got

it figured out and i even being like high as fuck out of my mind drunk i was like you are dumb why do you have this much money why do you have this much money in power you're too stupid you can't have this like i could spend it better on fucking oxycontinent cheese fries like just fucking let me have it. That sounds like a great dinner. It's so good. It's just my favorite. I had a dream. I went to rehab last night. No, a nightmare. And I slept

16 hours yesterday. I was cured, y'all. I was cured in the dream. It was so scary. Rehab for what? Some kind of hard drugs. And my friend was there. Who made you go to rehab? I don't know. Just in the dream. I was in rehab in New York. Right. And it was like a halfway house.

Probably cheaper there than Louisiana. And it was really weird. It was just, it looked exactly like this rehab from the show weeds, but it felt like really real. Okay. So it was weed rehab. It was rehab for rehab for weed. The show weed starring Mary Louise Parker. And she goes to a rehab in the like later last season when she's in New York.

Yeah. Anyway, it was a very jilting and shocking dream. And I was a task of the responsibility. And you're becoming sober? Well, I was sober in the dream. And my roommate, who was a childhood friend who in real life had actually fallen into drugs, was, like, broke his sobriety and shot up in front of me. And we were at, like, out.

We had got a pass to go out that night. And we were at an arcade. And it ruined the time at the arcade. And I was just like, oh, my God, I'm going to get in. You bastard. You're ruining my night. Well, then I had to walk him back to the rehab. and he was fucked up and I was like, oh, my God, this is just not, this is, I'm going to get

my privileges taken away and I'm going to be responsible for this. I didn't plan this. Like, I thought we were just going out. It was just a really, it was not a good dream. So it's, yeah, you being a bad friend. My real life rehab experience was nothing like that. It was not bad. I'm sorry.

No, it was fine. That's really tough. That's really tough. Sorry, sorry if I've gone too far all over the place. episode from concerning articles to misogyny or something or whatever I just did, I forgot

already. Blank giddy bitch, that was it, yeah. Okay, I'm not even going to ask when you thought. No, you go. You go actually ask that because I have a tiny paintbrush of my hand. Okay, period. For the listeners at home. It sounds like a threat, but I'm not entirely sure

what would happen to me. I will paint you and I will make a scathing portrait of you that will. I would love if you made a painting of Yeah. Can you paint this? You should. I'll do two paintings of y'all. I'll take the pictures that y'all said I wasn't allowed to upload of us as a group that we took in Bin's apartment. And then I'm going to paint that as a picture. That you uploaded anyways and then yelled at me for asking you to take them down. Well, I had to delete it. I had to delete it. It was horrible. And it got a hundred likes already. It got over 400, 500. You're ruining my algorithms by making me take this down. This blankety bitch was ruining my algorithm. I told you not to post it in the first place. It's fine.

It's just, I was looking. Now you're being misogynistic. No, no, I'm not because it was both of y'all. Man, woman. I'm not about. Well, I was backing up Pessa being a good ally. No, you guys. You guys, you call me a guy?

No, stop. No, my God, you call me a guy. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, let's go. I'm going to put you back in contempt of court if you say. Don't kill. But anyway, Ben, Ben and has to both looked uglier than me, and they were upset that this is the one time I looked prettier.

And I'll assure you that was not my issue. But you know what? That was my issue. That was the issue. I looked way uglier than Josh. The solution to this is to look like Thomas and I, and every picture of us is just, God damn. How, yeah, it's just... Thomas, do you feel like you're competing with Jake to be prettier?

No, it's more funny. I don't feel like we look the same at all, like, features-wise. So it's just not... Yeah, unlike me, Ben and Jacques. yeah you all you all look exactly mostly uh just making sure that making sure that one of us doesn't get like drastically

physically fatter than the other one yes yeah we get that like I don't want to be I can be the fatter one but I can't be like the fat one yes yeah yeah yeah it's too late for me trio or a quad or five people it's like not as but when there's only two people and you create like a Laurel and Hardy situation there's certain expectations

to come with that. Right? Then I have to be jolly and all that. I can't. Yeah. And then you just have to keep getting fatter because everyone's like, oh, we love the fat one.

Yeah. I've cemented myself in history as being the fat one that gets bullied for being fat. So that's, I think I think it was my ancestors that said. I don't think seeking deragements doesn't have a fat one. I can read. Sorry. I don't think.

What do you? Can you not see me right now, Thomas? I can see you. You're not a fat person. I just don't think you understand me. I think I. I we are both we're both from the that is in Louisiana you have a in Louisiana that's a six pack brother no you're you are you are extremely thin do you even have stretch marks Thomas I haven't really kept strict tabs on on the mark situation on my body I do have a rope burn on my hip from several years ago like a large one it's kind of interesting oh what happened there I was um I had a raptor on my waist and a tree fell down that I was

helping hoist and it just left a mark there forever oh oh god that's not even true that's jake told me with a real story of how you got that rope burn he was the one i had to come untie you after you tried doing shibari by yourself you got me i was i was i was part of a rupe goldberg machine that winter dressed me awry he was he was he was like oh this is a king baku and chill gone wrong over and help me? I don't know what the hell. It was a King Baku and chill. I have no idea what that means. King Baku means tight binding in Japanese. They often

use that. It's just interchangerably for Shibari. I thought Shibari was a black guy. I was just trying to keep open. No, no, no, no. Shibari is the Japanese art of erotic rope banja.

Do you see any Shibari Kabakou movie? Oh, hell yeah. Shavari and King Baku. who just dropped a new mix. Shibari and King Baku, leave it or keep it. Do you guys want to do one more ethicist? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll read it right now. My husband burnt my Hitachi completely out and thinks that I don't know that it was him that did it. Should I bring it up at the work meeting since we both work at the same company? I mean, that is literally what half of these are like. Yeah. It's a lot of women afraid their husbands are gay animals.

like probably probably is yeah when you asked earlier about like the audience i was like i wonder if the audience like who still reads the who still reads this part of the times like are well-to-do liberal boomer women who just married gay dudes in the fucking late 80s early 90s like you know what it just yeah like like like you go to like walk around like wiper west side at the same as in dallas you see those types of couples and you're like oh yeah you know oh yeah no i i definitely think that's that's the readership or whatever a core element of of their readership for sure. The other one is probably, how should I say, very strict lesbians, which gets to this one here. Hessa, you can answer. Can I ask straight women to stop calling

their pals girlfriends? As a lesbian, I cringe when I hear straight women refer to their platonic friends as girlfriends. This usage feels as if it diminishes the significance of the term within the lesbian community. Lesbians use friend to mean a platonic. friend and girlfriend to meet a romantic partner. It feels like an erasure of lesbians when straight women use our term. I'm not saying that they are intending to be homophobic or harmful, but the impact is anti-LGBQ plus. The use of the word girlfriend also leads to confusion. A colleague recently wrote to the staff that my girlfriend of over 25 years passed away.

Those who know this colleague well understood that she was referring to her best friend. those who didn't know her had to guess given the evolving landscape of language identity i wonder would it be ethically sound for me to ask people to use the term friend instead okay well this is a fragile white woman writing into the new york times a self-described white stud well first of all it's incredibly racist of this woman to try to say that they can't say girlfriends clearly she's never seen the hit 90 show girlfriends where none of them are fucking dykes. Yeah, I mean,

like, come on, give me a fucking break. Like, don't you dare try to drag this down into the world of lesbians as if we can't have girlfriends? Sorry, if I had a girlfriend. Are you a lesbian? Are you coming out as a lesbian? Well, no, no, no.

I'm just saying if I had a girl, only lesbians are allowed to have girlfriends. And then second, her saying that it's taking away from the from the LGBT culture is bullshit because gay guys since the early medieval ages have been going hey girlfriend right you know like the early medieval ages when that started it's true right i i have a zero percent successors let lesbians don't like me i don't think i don't think i don't think i care for

them much they don't like having hair competition well maybe that's right right they're like that indigo girl is back here and she thinks she's going to out teamie me she's better be wrong. I'm a stud. Okay. Lesbians don't like Jake because he walks up to him and he goes, nice tities, be I. Yeah. What's up, girlfriend?

The funniest thing in this, the funniest thing in this submission to me is that you can tell she was trying so hard to not like send back the announcement of someone's friend's death with notes. You can't call your dead girlfriend

a girlfriend that's merely your friend you whole phobic bitch. I think she was just clearly she was just jealous that her friend her friend's question was answered in the ethicist. She was like looking for something to get mad about like regarding it.

I thought you're just going to say that she's jealous that her friend is dead. Period. Just, just chiming in here, would love if you could circle back and show any proof of you eating her pussy at some point. Yeah, yeah.

We can know we're all on the same page. So you said that's your girlfriend. Name seven of Indigo Girls' songs. I'll wait. Right. Is that a band or something? Yeah, I guess Jack thinks it's a famous, yeah, not really.

No, what do you mean, not really? I mean, not really. What do you mean? Not really. That's what you mean, but I don't think. They are. famous they're okay first of all not only are they synonymous with lesbian culture but people even are like oh we got an indigo girl here when they're like making fun of a lesbian yeah you're not you're not wrong there i just don't know how widespread those reference points of yeah i don't

know if you have to know seven indigo girls so that seems like a lot i just wanted to make sure the 1996 movie boys on the side features whoopi goldberg as a lesbian and at her birthday party in the movie, she is in Tows, New Mexico, and who do you think that what band is playing live at her birthday? It's fucking Indigo girls. Okay. I, I, I, I, 100% believe you. Yeah, yeah.

I do believe you. I just, I'm letting you know I'm not educated on stuff like this, and I appreciate your friendship for telling me how it is. You know, Jack, I don't believe you. I don't think that's a real movie. I think you made it up. You know, my roommate was doing the exact same thing that Hesse was doing today, even though he knew what I was saying was truth.

He was like, I don't even believe that. I don't think that's true. I don't owe you rent, bitch. I don't owe you anybody. I already paid you, motherfucker. I already paid you rent. Cockshuckered. The fuck.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. This one is a pretty open and shut one for me. I think this one is just psychotic. Yeah. Jacques, what was your roommate lying about, lying to you about? I was saying something like, oh, you know, a restaurant. has something like a food

and he was like no they don't you're lying a restaurant has a food I would say I said that like a Papa Loka has these baked potatoes called Papa Loka's and you can get whatever kind of meat on them and I get lingua I get sausage and he said that's your lie

he said you're lying that's not real and he was not doing it because he didn't believe me he was just saying it because he knew it would tick me off and he's probably he's probably on the wall next to me playing Fortnite or Minecraft or something with his not Fortnite

he plays Overwatch which is equally as gay and retarded it damn get him

dude got his ass god damn it's like I see a mind and I just walk up to walk on top of it and blow up another one of my limbs off no I listen dude

I'm not going to police your language man I say worse stuff than that every day my life. We say retarded on the podcast. No, it's not bad. It's just with the force you said it, I could tell it made you legitimately mad that he might theoretically be playing Overwatch. Yeah.

It does. It does because you know why? And this is going to sound. This is so petty. It's because I feel not included and I want to have fun. And I hear him on his headset and him and his friends playing the game. It's him and his brother. You're jealous of your like 37-year-old roommate playing games with his friends.

First of all, he is 33. We are in the same class. You fucking loser. You said, you say you're 33, but you also said that you saw a movie. I'm 32. He's 33. We're almost the same age. You said in one of your reviews. He's one great ahead of you. Yeah, you said in one of your letterboxed film reviews that you saw a movie in theaters that came out in 1990.

I'm a little curious about that. What? Through it right now. Go scroll. Start scroll. My brother took me to see this in the theater. Yeah, small soldiers? Yeah, my brother did take me to see small soldiers in theaters. And you want to know, let's... Okay, hold on. Hold on for a second.

Small soldiers, theatrical release date. I can't believe. Oh, July 10th, 1998, bitch. I was six years old. Fuck you. You know, blank, me, bitch. You know what? Why don't you just take your 18-wheeler and tranny truck driver the fuck out of here?

Period. Period. Period. Oh, fucking man. All right. Now, can we get the apology for that? I didn't, I know there's going to be an instant apology for that one. I'm sorry, that's up.

It's okay, sweetie. Because I know that you don't do anything. I don't know why I gave you the role of being an 18-wheeler driver when all your, the only thing you're driving is a Hattachi, home alone. That sounds like, that literally sounds like a... Jacking it. That sounds like a, what, what, uh, do-a-chi lyric, Itachi, Home Alone? Jock is doing like borsed belt, like stand-up stuff.

But it's like, Zatachi Wanda, and she's going crazy on it. Can you fucking believe this? Turned up to the next. Esa, I'm sorry for not brooding you hard enough. I don't actually care. No, because you left the review on the. movie Toy Soldiers, first of all. Oh, God.

Which is the wrong movie and did come out in 1991. Hold on. I'm going to search this. This movie scare me so bad that I made my brother leave the theater with me and take me home. I was a young child and it was scary because I played with action figures a lot, but when I want to watch it again. I did review this film on accident. When I wasn't scared, it was one of the greatest movies ever and it's so iconic. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Wait, actually, that's not even on the roof. I like how Jacques writes like somebody in a Coleman McCarty novel.

no literally my my hey jay and thomas my letterbox has gone off so quickly i have a thousand because i keep posting them on twitter i have a thousand forty followers on my letterbox which is feels like the growth on more of any of my social platforms overnight um and and by the way let's see did i review this movie is that the one for moot like it's a movie review social review okay yeah i got now i have to find where i wrote this fucking review I saw small soldiers in theater with my brother and I got too scared and made him take me out and leave

you bitch you pussy we went back we went back he convinced me to go I love my brother Zach he's just survived a hernia surgery oh congratulations to Zach I mean what's the rate on that I think it's actually pretty good

only 99.999 9999%%% of me he survived hernia well with that guys thank you for joining us today I'm sorry what's uh I'm going I don't I don't I was actually really interested in the queer horoscope that was oh yeah

let me read your guys the horoscopes okay Hess I am sorry I took it too far I'm Jack I genuinely don't care it's fine okay They made me scared of you So this is Pisces this is you Jake Is this you? Okay yeah Pisces okay

trust is earned in small moments pyses mondays mercury mars sextile supports transparent conversations about shared responsibilities resources and emotional needs rachel bottsman reminds us that trust grows when our competence reliability and empathy align so let this be the week you show up with all three as vergo seasons begin begins on august 22nd oh yeah this is last weeks by the way um your relationships have become a mirror for ongoing dialogue between independence and connection the new moon is Virgo invites you to commit one sustainable communication habit, asking open-ending, added questions, paraphrasing to check understanding, or naming needs early. So both sides feel seen, heard, or valued. I don't, first of all, I don't know what any of that shit meant. Second of all, I was going to ask you guys. It's a classic Pisces. There it is. What is that from? Because I don't know anybody in the community that talks to each they're like that. Is this like a... Or the world perhaps. Yeah. Yeah.

They actually, gay people do get to go to college, Jake. Jake, how would you know how gay people act? How many cocks have you ever sucked in your life? Probably zero. But it's questionable with that hair. Yeah, you don't have the guts. You couldn't blow an uncirclepressed cock. You don't have the fucking gumption

boy. Thomas, you would be a hysterical gay guy. There would be nothing funnier than you as a gay guy you would just instead of the rather somber straight man than you are today God you would have a drinking

problem as a gay guy God I can't imagine what that would be like God that idea scares me Thomas is going to the eagle every night Thomas is at basement jacking people off at night but by day

perfectly straight man. Yeah, the Libra one is very similar, so I don't know if I even have to read it. Open the door, Libra. Monday's Mercury Mars sextile energizes your first house, making you magnetic for new connections and conversations that spark possibility. Say yes to the

invites that find you, especially if they stretch your comfort zone. When Virgo season begins on August 22nd, your energy shifts inward, asking for rest, reflection, and quiet processing. The new moon in Virgo invites you to clear space, release one habit, relationship, or thought pattern that's been quietly draining you.

This week is about making room for the version of you that's ready to emerge when the sun moves into your sign next month. Wow. Okay. Well, on that note, Ben... Some more bullshit that I don't understand at all. Ben, we've got to talk. I just got my queer horoscope read to me, and it says

that I need to purge people. Oh, because you're a Libra as well. Yes, I too am a Libra. And it says to remove people that are blue-eyed and not giving the same energy back to you and I will have to be removing what does not giving the same energy back

that's what I heard am I not insulting you enough am I not screaming at you for having a minor disagreement enough I don't think so I kind of will like that a little bit today I missed you you know I went to the dentist

and I felt them torturing me and I said God I miss Ben all right perfect period I promise I will start yelling at you more we should we should shake hands okay what's wrong with me today i might have done something wrong with the medicine you seem pretty normal to me yeah this is what you're like every single day i like jock that was like a line like a 50s

deranged housewife says to her husband before she kills everybody i must have taken something wrong with the medicine darling i don't feel i don't feel quite like myself Or you just like axe everybody to death? I was trying to dose myself with the weed powder before I went to the dentist and I went way too far. And I'm now reflecting. It's like CBD powder for Jake and Thomas. It's like C. My mouth was completely dry.

It's C.B.N. I need to have cotton mouth at the dentist. I love having a nice dry mouth. Do you have that delicious toothpaste? you should try it I think you would believe it to do something I'm never touching that shit yeah how much you have to pay y'all

after Thomas was on probation for like four years the first night we hung out he ate 300 milligrams of THC and completely lost his mind he had not smoked or ingested weed in like five four or five years and then we were walking down the street outside my apartment and he just popped to him

I was like how many milligrams were those men he was like 150 and then we were playing pool and like drinking beer and I came back from the bathroom and he's just standing in front of the pool table holding the pool queue and he looks at me he's like you ready to you think we should close out and I was like I was not ready to close out I was I just got a beer and I was like no I mean how are you feeling and he was like oh I figured maybe we just close out the fear of God in his eye yeah and then we were supposed to record like several video episodes that night and I like we went he was in the guest room when I opened the guest room he has his bag with all of his clothes in it

And he's just staring into it. And it's a pitch black in the room. There's no lights on it. Hey, man, are we going to record? And he goes, I'm just going to, I'm going to take like half an hour. And we're going to be just fine. And then I went back 30 minutes later. He was still staring into the bag.

It's like completely immobile. I felt so bad for him. It's like the roast of Thomas. Y'all should do this live. No, it's dude. He, the next morning, Thomas, I think you said something to the effect of, yeah, I had a lot of bad shit going on in my head. I had a lot of bad shit going on my head.

Everything was red, white, and blue, and I kept having people stabbing me in my head. I knew it wasn't really. I knew it was obviously not actually happening, but it wasn't, it wasn't. I was like, all right, well, this is obviously not best case scenario in terms of things like going to happen. I wouldn't have the effect of smoking weed. And this was, I thought like, oh, a little, what's it called? A little cross-faded action. you know, little tequila, a little this and that

and that I'll be the pool man. I'm going to be the pool man that night I ended up being the evilman. When I went, when I have the liquid weed, I mean, I'll do 150, 120 to start off with. And if I'm going DJ, if there's a good party, I'm doing 300.

Duh. And, you know, if I'm like this. If I know I'm going to play, if I know I'm going to have a few hours to play DDR, I'm going to take a thousand milligrams And I'm going to eat Yes and I'm going to eat before Bro

I'm going to eat a lot before It's just a gram It just rounds up to a gram It's just one gram It's just one gram Bro no I eat a thousand milligrams Didn't you do that on a plane one time

You took a thousand? No no no no no I ate 600 milligrams Of what turned out to be THCP before I knew what that was And it's like super weed it's like five times stronger it's like a chemical so disturbing too well i i i had to hold on to seats to make it to the bathroom because i thought i was going to fall over and i grabbed a bald man

on the head on accident i'm so lucky to god that i did not get thrown off the air marshal i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i go to the bathroom and i threw up and it was black it was black black black the throw up and that scared the fuck out of me because it wasn't if it's red if it's blood and it's dried if it's black it's dry but it wasn't it wasn't like what it I've had dried blood in my stomach

and this was not that it was black was it soda? I don't know what like the conjuring like an evil movie when the person throws like that you're squitting pasta before it was all molasses I shouldn't drink that barrel of molasses is how they make glasses

that could do you in Imagine like oil, like crude oil, unrefied oil. It was probably old blood that was pooling in your stomach. Who knows? There's always some blood coming out of places. What else would it be? What else would black? The T8, whatever was in those fucking.

Was it black and oil like? It came out black, so there was something fucked up about that. Also, by the way, this is 600 milligrams. It's magic. You think magic happened inside your stomach? 600 milligrams over six Dorito chips So does six Dorito chips that made me feel this way

It's a package They were Dorito chip edibles They are illegally made But they are at it has a real It's actually said doidos on it Okay so it's literally marketing the packaging looks like Doritos but it says doidos Doe do's do that's kind of

I guess it's kind of hard to, I guess it's kind of hard to tell what it meant. This could be food or it could be weed. Do widos. And this is what it looks like, do we do's those. That is dynamita. And you just could not help it. It wasn't a good experience for you. No, but I'd had the same bag before and it was great.

And then I got a different kind of one. So there are, there apparently are ones. So your sanity in this case depended on you eating one chip inside of a bag and you couldn't You get out of here dude I don't even have to I don't even have to sit up and he's right he's proud he's proud he's proud he's proud down there If and if I know I'm gonna take a lot I'll get a seat that I don't have to get up for other people for If I didn't buy the row if I ate 50 milligrams I would kill my I would go to the hospital.

I would hang of myself. The nightmares and the fear would get so bad that the only way I could, I would kill myself. I can't even like, yeah, like I can't, you're one of the people I know, several people that are like, we'll be hanging out and they'll eat some. And I'm like, oh, and they're like, oh, and they're like, oh, how much do you take, man? And they're like, about 850. And I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? I know. What are we doing?

That is crazy. It's really troubling. And I don't, like, like, I know that people like have said the same thing to me about heart. drugs and i get it like whatever like like jock please don't dude you're making me nervous all right no he's he loves doing this it's like it's a it's a fetish jock dude for anyone at home just maybe what like 400 five like 500 milligrams of no way less than that i did like okay let's see that was four or five drops so for 70 milliliters is yeah try to do it try to do the math on it now please

Stop calling me right now, Jilly. Okay, every minute, every, okay, wait, every 30 milliliters is 30 milligrams. And each dropper is 70 milligrams. So that means that it is roughly 65 per dropper. So that's 130, two drops. So if you multiply that by two, that's 260. You did five droppers full. So add another

130 to or another 65 to 260. So that would be 305? Nope. No. Let's go. Let's do this.

Let's see. I have no clue. 30 plus. Okay, wait. That would be I think 400 milligrams. Why don't you just try to use a calculator? 70 times four. I did four full droppers.

you did five dropers you did five so you don't have another 10 plus another 70 oh now I'm you also smoked like three dabs earlier in this episode uh that's barely anything if we're being honest come on that's 100 milligrams of weed in that I did 350 okay all right 10 more milligrams and that would have been brat good I jock I think you should do more I think you should do even more and you should never stop and you should just you know completely disregard any of the size effects of doing that much weight. What side effects do I have? There aren't any.

There are none. I don't get tested. I mean, I have been tested for the weed disease and I don't have it. So what's good? What's the weed disease? I'm sorry. Cannabinoid hypermecy.

It's called cannabinoid hypermecy syndrome. And the reason why it happens is because, I mean, essentially, you get the munchies because when THC is active in your, in your system, your stomach secretes a byproduct that makes you hungry, essentially. And so when people are years-long, chronic marijuana abusers, that process becomes almost constant. They're constantly leaking this hunger-engrossing compound into their stomach. So your stomach should not always feel hungry. So when your stomach constantly

feels hungry, that leads to vomiting, nausea, you know, etc. And there's a very common phenomenon that happens to people who have cannabinoid hypermecy syndrome. Ben, it's called Scromoting, which is a hyper, a portmanteau of screaming and vomiting. They often go to ERs because they're in such pain and are vomiting, and because of the pain, they're screaming. I think that Ben is also trying to make a poke at me with his, I don't know if this is information's research, because I scream when I vomit. I scream when I vomit, but not because I'm in pain. I'm just telling you what people have found through research. You know what they say about people named Ben?

They should bend over. No, no one wants to fuck him. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, on that note, I would like to take a minute to plug my very, special uh booking email it is yay very fun at gmail.com that's y a why a very fun at email.com well i book me for a DJ for comedy for weddings for funerals but jack do comedy at your funeral uh yeah if you if anybody listens to this i'll plug who gives you shit and in your chicago detroit or um wisconsin or milwaukee september 25 26 and 27th go to linktree.com

Pendejo time and come see the boys if you listen to show. Ben, we'll post the link on the under the episode, right? The link will be in the description, yes. Yes. Y'all, y'all go to this Pendejo show, y'all. Jake and Thomas are two of the funniest people live, captivating people, masters of the stage. They're delicate little dancers trotting about making a performance that you'll never forget about.

Beautiful. Thank you. All right. Perfect. Guys, thank you so much for joining. Thank you, Deliccan dancers. Bye, everyone. Love you guys.