Seeking Derangements - SD 458 - Masha Mindset: The Santa Clause 2

Episode Date: December 21, 2025

When the Jacques is away the girls will play! Hesse is Joined by a sickly Masha to discuss the Tim Allen masterpiece The Santa Clause 2, a heartwarming children’s movie about Tim Allen trying to get pussy. We discuss our new nonbinary friend, how brave the tooth fairy is, and, of course the eerie parallels between Plastic Tim Allen and Augusto Pinochet.

Check Welcome, everyone, to movie. You've heard of movie Jacques set. You've heard of movie mindset. This is Masha Jacques set, which is where we watch a movie with Masha and Jock. Except that Jock is not here. Because it turns out we were recording past his bedtime. And by that, I mean, it's past the time when he went to bed last night.

So he is. Yeah, he called me a few minutes. ago and said that he regretfully slept in and will not be joining us to discuss a beautiful holiday movie. Happy holidays, Masha. Happy holidays, Hessa. What did you get me for Christmas? I'm still working on it.

What did you get? What did you get me for Christmas? It's a surprise, silly. Yeah. But it's huge. You better match it. Okay. You better match it.

Shit. Should I turn on my camera? My hair's fucked up. Yeah, sure. I look like shit. I'm also, I'm like, I'm the sickest that I've been in years and years right now. So I don't know if I have like the flu or something, but it just made me so, I was just getting so angry while watching this movie. I think in part because it's a terrible movie, but also because I was like, just like coughing and like rolling around in my bed, like sweating and like, oh, oh.

there's a part at the beginning of the but it was it was it wasn't like belly aching it was I was I was really angry yeah yeah yeah and also like feverish and like losing my mind what did you say the rage virus from exactly yeah my brother's sick also maybe there's something going on in New York yeah quite possibly quite possibly thanks for getting him sick by the way what was the bit that we were doing over text yesterday yesterday? Oh, um, an NB friend named Rape. Hey, can you donate to Rape's GoFundMe? Yeah, it was like, where did it start? Oh my God. There are so many good ones. I was talking about framing someone for rape. And then I said, my artistic ass thought she was talking about a painting. Like a painting frame.

Yeah. And then you said, I thought she wanted to paint a portrait of me and give it to our scary NB friend rape. and then we were just doing you got like five bangers in a row yeah a non-binary person named rape hey just to remember it's rape's birthday tomorrow rape has COVID I'm hanging out with rape right now can I call you in a bit home gee rape had a baby everyone tried to check on rape this week and you said we got to talk about he's all happening on the same day all these messages and you said we got to talk about who's taking care of rape after surgery and then I said

I'm going to rape you Yeah Oh my God Beautiful Beautiful Do you want to go see Mike Barbiglia With me and rape

Tonight The other Yeah It was mostly You cooking last night Um I But I had one

Do you want to see Mike Barbiglio With me in rape What's right The one I got was That's Poetic Justice If the poem Was an embarrassing

Combination Of Zad and personal which is pretty good and speaking of speaking of poetry Jesus fucking Christ let's move right on over to the poetry of the screen

and by that I mean Tim Allen's the Santa Claus too and I will say this isn't really as bad a movie as like you know it's kind of like medium bad you know in that it's pretty fucking bad

I think it's pretty bad but it's not like I mean you know it's a lot of lot of it is just a man trying to woo a woman which you know in my notes I wrote um yeah cut away from the workshop ASAP kids don't want to see that shit they want to see Tim Allen try to get his dick wet um so but let me see I of course we need to talk about this film this film is very famous I saw this movie when I was like 10 um on like DVD or something um because I had seen the other one the sequel to this, the escape clause.

It's funny, these, like, the pun is that he, of the first one, is that he's Santa because there's a contract that exists. And the plot of the second two is that he didn't read that contract. There are stipulations in it that he, like, did not see because he didn't read it. And so this, and when I was a kid, when I was like 10, I had the, biggest crush on Bernard the Elv. That's all I remember. That's all I remember from this movie.

I was like Bernard. I don't get that even a little bit. Really? Yeah. I'll never forget the line before the opening credits drop, the iconic line. An AC130 gunship pilot saying, sounds like tiny hammers. And then boom, the Santa Claus 2. And we get the opening, which is Santa at his workshop.

and he's got they're hiding from this ship this airplane in the sky this AC-130 gun ship ostensibly because this is the United States government and they will kill them if they hear

yeah I think that is the implication yeah so they're on the bridge of the submarine which is also the Santa's workshop which is also stationary in a village and not a submarine And someone's making noise playing Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, a song. And then it turns out it's Spencer Breslin, the famed young child actor who's kicking his feet like he's drunk, listening to a toy Santa, one of those dancing Santa's going, woo-hoo, yeah. How do you, yeah.

And they say to him, we got to get you some headphones for Christmas, which, made me laugh because I was picturing someone plugging headphones into one of those dancing toy Santa so they can listen to it in private like on an airplane plugging headphones into my billy the talking bass the fish that's on the flag Masha you're pretty quiet about this movie so far

do you have any amazing thoughts no it's fine I'm just so mad that I suggested it I don't know why I did I hadn't seen it or the Like, the first one before is a kid? Like, this wasn't a treasured... I don't remember how we got here, but it was so...

It just... I was just so mad. Yeah, I... The whole time. I mean, this one wasn't really treasured to me either. It was just one that we had on DVD, I remember. And... But I have seen all three.

I forgot most of them. All I remembered about this one, and why I suggested this one specifically of the three, is the plastic Santa who is one of the scariest creatures I've ever seen in a film. It's really scary, but it's also funny because it's like Tim Allen on his own is already really scary and abrasive and plastic looking. So then they're like, well, there's a toy version of him, but it just kind of looks like Tim Allen.

Yeah, it looks pretty much the same except shinier. Yeah. And, like, I think, I mean, obviously the impetus for this movie is probably like they saw Toy Story or something. And they were like, Tim Allen's Buzz Light Year, we've got to get some of that in here, you know? He's so scary. It really is very frightening. And, you know, when Tim Allen tries to improv at point, it really gets grim. It's literally like first day at UCB and them being like,

we're going to put you in the special class for all the special improvvers. There is one amazing guest performance by Molly Shannon who fucking knocks it out of the park. But I would say just about everyone else in this movie is pretty terrible. Well, after we see this little introduction to Santa, you know, the elves are like, We need to tell him, and the other elves are like, no, not now. And we're like, what are they talking about? And then it cuts to a young boy who is Santa's son, Charlie, who is in middle school and is a delinquent. And he is repelling down into the gym to paint the name of his favorite Seinfeld character on the wall.

And he really implies to the girl that he's with that his dad's a pedophile who's in jail. Yes. Because she's like, why don't you ever talk about your dad? And he's like, he works with kids and toys. I don't want to talk about it. We can't talk about it. He also, at this point in the watch, I like, I watched this over the course of, from around 11 p.m. last night to like 10 a.m. today. And I just kept falling asleep and then waking up and then putting it back on.

This part, I watched around. 3 a.m. And when he spray paint, he spray paints, this kid spray paints the words Newman equals and then it crossed out like Christmas tree. Yeah. And it was like 3 a.m. when I was watching that. And I was like, what the fuck does this mean? Yeah. I thought it was like a message. I was like. It is. I mean, you know, because it turns out like it was so funny when he first spray paints because he just spray paints Newman. And it's like, you know, the famed character from Simon. And it's like, you know, the famed character from Seinfeld. Yeah.

And also, the, you know, the girl is keeping watch from above, but not doing a very good job because a ladder suddenly appears next to him, like a 15 to 16 foot ladder. And the principal climbs up it, which makes me think that he was doing this like 30 minutes after school closed. He repelled into the gym and started spray painting. And she's a batty. She is. I, you know, I guess so.

She's not really my type. I don't think but I she is you know she does a pretty a pretty defensible job

in this movie compared to Tim Allen especially and yeah it would be funny if she caught him before he painted the big red

like crossed out symbol over the tree so it would just be like Newman equals Christmas because he's criticizing the the principal

whose name is Newman because she hates Christmas but that plot point is also never totally fleshed out i would say yeah it's i mean this this movie has one of my favorite dumb like 2000s era christmas movie tropes that's in like every 2000s era christmas movie which is that an adult used to love christmas when they were a kid and then they didn't get one toy and now they fucking hate it for the rest of their they're all of their youngian like animus is dedicated towards the hatred of christmas and yes by extension everything

good and christlike and godlike um because this is a very christian film and uh the but and the day is saved when they get at the very end of the movie they get a toy for a baby and it turns them happy and uh i it really predicted how a lot of adults would act in the future because a lot of adults are like, you know, the best movies, the fucking Goonies. You know, I love the Goonies. They should make the Goonies again. They should do a remake of the Goonies. Yeah.

But we get, you know, Santa learns he has to get married, which another Christian themes, of course. He has to get married and he has to, also his son is on the naughty list. For his spray painting pro-Christmas messages, it seems to be the only naughty thing he's doing. literally, and, you know, he says there's a desantification process, which really reminded me of the denazification after World War II.

Well, and also there is a Nazi Santa later, or like a sort of Hitler stand-in Santa later on. A Mussolini Santa. Yeah, and there's a funny, I mean, we'll get to it. We don't have to go through beat by beat for this, but I do want to address the Council of Legendary Figures, which is made up. But there's also a scene where a bunch of elves dump tensile on him, and he goes, you know, I could take care of this the ugly way, or we could go outside and play some football. And then they go outside and play football.

So, thank God. We didn't get to see what him taking care of it, the ugly way is. Also, he has two puppets in his office, and I was unclear on whether or not Punching Judy puppets, which implies that when he gets a minute off, he just watches a man, a puppet man. beat his puppet wife and laughs. And are those puppets alive or is there an elf whose job it is to crouch down there all day react to things as the puppets? We don't know.

Totally. But we've got Father Time. We've got the tooth fairy. We've got the scariest Easter Bunny I've ever seen. Yeah, really fucked up looking Easter Bunny. We've got the Sandman played by Wharf from Star Trek. We've got, oh, did you notice Mother Nature is Aisha Tyler? Yes

Iconic Fucking love her She's so funny Not given a lot To chew on in this She has one joke That didn't make sense to me Maybe you can

Explain it to me She says Don't mess with me Santa I'm pre El Nino Oh yes I had no idea what that meant Is that supposed to mean She's pre menopausal or something

I don't understand The Easter Bunny also has a joke Where he's like I have 30,000 children in private school. And I didn't know what that was about. Yeah, I, um, Santa's like, Cupid, can you help me out with, uh, you know, getting, uh, falling in love?

And he's like, sorry, Santa, my arrows don't work on you. And I'm like, okay, they're going to pretend that Santa's not talking about him shooting a woman with one of the arrows. Yeah. Also, I pictured Cupid getting really drunk and turning guys into pedophiles as a joke by shooting them with arrows while they're looking at kids. Is that what you would do if you were Cupid? No, I would not do that.

I don't think it would be funny in a real-life scenario, but maybe like a washing machine or something. You know, something. Which one of them would you want to be? A washing machine or Cupid? No, no, no. Like which one of the legendary figures? Oh, Mother Nature, of course.

Yeah. Mother Nature. Well, of course. So they create a giant toy Santa who is fully nude. It's unclear if he has a penis or not. Basically, he's going to stand in for Santa well. Santa goes and tries to find a wife in the regular human world, and they're hoping that the elves won't notice that Santa has been replaced by a giant toy who looks really scary.

But also, again, does not look that far off or talk that differently from just regular Tim Allen. Yeah, it's just regular Tim Allen, but a little bit angrier. Like he's, like he had one bump of Coke or something. Tim Allen famously addicted to Coke, went to jail for it for a while, I believe. Shit. I loved the line before he leaves to go find a wife and fall in love. He's told if it gets to, if this magic meter on your watch gets to zero, you won't be able to return to the pole. And I pictured Santa saying, but I have to work my.

way through nursing school um you know this little joke there he tells his ex-wife that he sees her when she's sleeping and she knows he knows when she's awake oh yeah that part is really scary what's also what i love that the the way i mean i don't know if there is a less awkward way of phrasing this but he just keeps using the phrase like i'm not going to get to be santa any like i'm so scared of not being Santa. I won't be able to be Santa forever. He also says he heads forever on forever. There are so many lines like that where he's just like,

fuck, fuck, I want to keep being Santa, but they're not going to let me if I don't find a while. Like, it's, it's just. The reindeer is like one of the most annoying things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.

Oh, I wrote down, why does the new Santa come out naked and the soldiers later in the movie don't, don't. Perhaps this implies there's some sort of essential nudity to Tim Allen himself that the machine is honing in on. That's probably what it is. Yeah. Also, they say cover him up with something when Santa's nude and they clearly just put like a shirt over his shoulders. So his dick is like still out for sure.

Yeah. My favorite part of this whole movie is when maybe not my favorite part. but there's a scene where Tim Allen is like home in the human world. He's trying to find a wife. He's like staying with his ex-wife and his like niece or like this little girl who is maybe a child of his ex-wife and her new husband. Yeah, a little girl who by the way was in the first movie and was not a child of the ex-wife and the new husband. Totally. That's awesome. She comes outside and Tim Allen is standing next. to a talking reindeer named comet and he's talking to the reindeer and this kid goes uncle scott are

you Santa Claus and Tim Allen goes what why would you say something like that yeah I wrote that down too I wrote that down too maybe because you arrived on a reindeer named comet and you also look exactly like Santa Claus and I only see you on Christmas yeah I um I also love um Like, when they're getting chewed out, their son looks so much more Latino than both of them. It's kind of funny. Also, the principal is basically, like, I don't like Christmas, so there's no decorations.

But she's not, like, it's not even, it's like, like, that trope that you were talking about earlier of, like, the adult who has, like, some traumatic memory about Christmas and then, like, stays. Like, they sort of, they just, in this movie, I feel like they like give you little bits and pieces of that and they just expect you to fill in the blank and be like oh yeah you know everybody knows this trope like fuck it we'll just have they have like two lines where she's like yeah I don't like Christmas yeah but it's not like she really has like a strong feeling about it yeah and she doesn't really do anything about it and then later it's like she definitely does love Christmas yeah she says that like when she was a kid she used to to like Christmas and then I forget what happened oh this is what happened this is really funny because I loved this little plot point she says that I loved Christmas so much that in school

I got into fights with kids about it yes and I got sent home with the fact that Santa was real yeah and I got sent home with a bloody nose one time and my parents said you know that's enough and I like to imagine she was like 17 years old And, you know, I also love the, when the principal's chewing them out, she's like, we need to figure out what this graffiti could mean. Okay, what do you mean by this graffiti? That is my name equals crossed out Christmas tree. Neil, the husband, is like, I read a book on child rearing,

and Tim Allen has a chance to shut his woke ass down. And, yeah, there's a bit of a woke, pre-woke kind of woke, kind of woke. plot point here in that there's no Christmas decorations at school and so yeah after that we get sent to we get sent back to the workshop which is the best part of the best part of the movie and they spend so little time there um Tim Allen is trying to improv looking in a mirror dressed as this Santa he goes I'm Santa boo yeah he does this like sort of Samuel Beckett-esque monologue and then like immediately becomes Hitler yeah yeah he I I was also picturing they say like I gave him all of Santa's memories and they say and I was picturing like yelling where's my penis? Where's my penis? If he's smooth in front because we don't know he could have a penis because I have another joke about him having a penis later in the movie or later in my notes.

Tim Allen, it cuts back, of course We don't want to spend too much time at the workshop That's not interesting to kids We want to focus on Scott Calvin's quest to get laid Yeah So he goes to On a date with

Molly Shannon Who's a character who sucks Because she likes Christmas too much Yeah As opposed to the principal who sucks Because she hates Christmas too much Yeah Molly Shannon does a really amazing job in this movie, I would say.

Yeah, it's a thankless role. It's a thankless role. I think that she, like, really, this set must have felt like the Holocaust Museum at times. Some of these jokes, some of these, I mean, and not just because of what happens later, which we all get to. Yeah. I loved. So, yeah, so Molly Shannon sings a Shania Twain song that's Christmasified, which I don't know it was a real song.

That's like a parody of her own song. No, it's just a parody of a, she sings, man, I feel like a woman, but it's like. Man, I feel like a Christmas or something. Yeah, it's literally, it's something that level of like nonsensical. It's that lazy. And then she says, I literally put myself out there doing that. And you just give me nothing. And which I agree with her.

She's right. she gets home or he gets home he talks to charlie in his room and i loved this part because charlie's like dad i wanted to kiss a girl at school today she used to be my friend and now i want to kiss her and he goes oh look at that a snow globe he just passed him and it's not supposed to be a comedic beat it's supposed to be like a sweet beat of him remembering the sun getting the snow globe yeah from the last movie but yeah the the kid is mad at him for some reason and we'll find out later why. But we get Santa's beginning his fascist turn.

He's like, I need the Nottian nice list. I need Schindler's list. I am the rulemaker. Toy Santa back at the North Pole becomes Hitler and start. Well, I don't even know if it's Hitler. His uniform is like, it's Musalini. It's Musalini. Yeah.

Or more like actually like Pinochet, Kadafi. Musalini. It's kind of like a three-way. Yeah, Gaddafi Santa. No, you know what? Gaddafi is kind of closest, I think, like, just going by dressing and cheek size. Totally. Yeah, and beard. Wait, no, Gaddafi didn't have a beard, actually. But yeah, it's totally, I mean, I'm sure obviously it was supposed to be Saddam because this was in 2004 or something. I didn't even think about that. That's amazing. Yeah, I just realized that.

But, yeah, he freaks out. And they are... Yeah, I mean, these elves, rightfully so, are so afraid to give this man a list of children's names with their home addresses. Yeah, and, you know, back at school, there's a really funny part back at school where Charlie's getting chased down the hallway in the middle of the school day and he gets caught by the like school officer who brings him to the principal

and it turns out he's getting chased for in the middle of the day well classes were changing painting a huge graffiti mural on lockers which you know I don't know he expected not to get caught or something and you know the

The dad gets brought in, and he's like, does he really need to be suspended for this? It's like, bro, what the fuck are you talking about? They decide to, like, the son gets community service instead of being suspended. Yeah. And then. They bond over being mean to someone. Wait, when? Tim Allen and the principal.

There's like a guy walking by who's like, get these delinquents out of here. And she's like, these are good kids. And Tim Allen's like, yeah, why don't you worry about your? You're fucking shorts, you dumbass. And she's like, yeah, fuck you, you faggot. And they bond over that. That's their first moment of bonding. What's weird is that there's kind of like,

so Tim Allen starts to like woo the principal. And there's kind of like an Aladdin thing going on where he like is using magic to impress her. But the magic all has to be Christmas-based magic. So he can kind of only do. like really weird things that involve like at one point he like knows a random kid's name and like what they want for Christmas yeah and that's like supposed to and like the the principal is like oh my god that's so like wow he's really amazing yeah i mean my favorite one is that he turns his he arrives

at the principal's house to ask her on a date in his ex-wife's a minivan that he's borrowing and then he's like let's go to the staff holiday party and walked outside and he's used magic to turn that minivan into an open sleigh with two horses um and you know i'm sure he's going to have a great time explaining that to his ex-wife like sorry you don't have a car anymore you have i'm santa you have a sleigh sorry but i am santa yeah sorry i'm santa i'm santa and i have to fuck The girl then explains that she used to love Christmas because her dad would do an elaborate charade where he put out cookies and milk for Santa and the next morning they would be gone. Yeah. And also a bed for Santa.

He would also put out a bed for Santa to sleep in. Yeah. And then the next morning, look, the sheets would be messed up. Yeah. He would bust on the sheets after eating the cookies and drinking the milk. Yeah. my notes say yeah my notes say i got the shit kicked out of me for believing in santa and my parents decided to tell me to go fuck myself um yeah there's then he goes to the christmas

party he spawns baby toys for all the teachers and they love it they love the slop yeah all of them get like antique toys from when they were kids um and it's just like it's again he can only use his magic in Christmas related ways and it just is like weird because it's supposed to be like him winning over this principle but it doesn't it just none of it makes any sense this is the part where I started to get really legitimately angry yeah some of the things he does with the magic it seems like he has like Christmas style OCD um like when he kisses her he spawns like like a sprig of mistletoe above their heads and it's like you didn't you literally did not have to do that and he by the way he has a limited amount of magic and that just used like uh maybe i think he says he used the last magic he had on making that mistletoe appear while they were kissing yeah yeah it's like so she wasn't even looking yeah and by the way she tells him in the sleigh on the way to the staff party about this toy that she used to love and then she gets there and he spawns all

these gifts including the toy for her and he gives it to her and at this point she should be terrified yes she should be really scared right yeah yeah i thought the same thing but and also i'm like what would it like do you is it all that like even if he had like known her and like like had gotten this baby doll toy for her in a normal way would it I don't know would you want like an antique toy

from when you were a kid I mean from someone I knew absolutely like I think that would be really sweet you know like if they got me like a replica of like a stuffed animal I had when I was a kid that meant a lot to me um did you have a stuffed animal when you were a kid

that I did I had um I had this one stuffed animal that um when I was like seven so this stuffed animal had gotten me through when I was a little kid I had like uh sort of a polio adjacent illness that rendered me unable to walk for a long time and I was like in the hospital a bunch and so I had this like stuffed bear that kept me company while I was in the hospital and then when I was seven after I had like recovered um my sisters uh like I have two older sisters they have the bear in my closet and left a note behind that said that he had killed himself because I didn't love him enough that's so nice that really fucked me up for a while that's so nice yeah yeah I didn't have a stuffed animal because I was a little mature for I wasn't you know a baby but no it's cool that you had one um I think says no I'm kidding I did I had two actually I had a crocodile and a lobster and there's names were Crocky and Pinchers. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Not all that creative, but. Yeah, but I mean, I wouldn't change my life. It wouldn't literally change my life if someone got me that like it seems to do for her. Yeah. And, you know, I certainly, if I didn't know them, I would be terrified. I would be like, how do you know? I wouldn't be like, yeah, you know what?

Let's go bad. Like, it just is nuts. Like, like right now, if I held up the exact bear that you were just talking about. talking about what would your what would your reaction be um well honestly because it's you i would be like that would be a funny bit it would be the it would be a really funny bit oh man i wish i thought about this but i had a time i could have thrown something together you know um no maybe well i know what to get you for christmas now i got to talk to your sister about what's the deal with the with the shark plushy the blahage oh that was like 2020 kind of yeah a 2020 style meme

um i just never understood like what the we don't have to talk about this i think it was like a nice kind of like toy to have because it's a big so you can like hug it when you're sleeping um totally yeah which but why was it like a trans thing um because trans women are a lot of them are emotionally sunted. Oh, totally. Yeah. And love to talk about it a lot. Yes.

Yeah. Which, you know, more power to them. I mean, I'm not, I'll say I sleep hugging a stuffed animal that's shaped like a little heart with a smile that my sister got me for Christmas last year. That's very sweet. Yes. Well, it's just also more comfortable with your arms to like hold something when you're sleeping, you know? Totally. Like putting a pillow under your feet.

Anyways, we're talking too much about us. and not enough about Santa and the true meaning of Christmas which is getting shitty toys that suck yeah it's around here that he tells her right yeah he tells her like a moron

yeah he tells her in a really crazy way where he's like he says I'm Santa and then I wrote down a bunch of this stuff that he said he said there are elves and they're beautiful he said I have a white beard and it's beautiful he does not have a white beard at this point by the way because

yeah he doesn't desantification is underway it's east Germany and then she says something along the lines of like you're just saying that because you're scared which is an insane like she's not like you're she doesn't go immediately to like oh you're insane she goes to like you're just pretending to be insane because you love me and you're scared of how strong your feelings are for me yeah and then he goes and I quote

I'm not scared I deliver gifts all over the world and a sleigh pulled by reindeer Yeah and he says Sometimes I go down chimneys Where there are burning logs in them I am not scared And I still deliver the gifts

I still deliver the gifts I can't believe I pulled that line That's not even in my notes Because I watched this movie twice For Did you seriously? I did yeah I always watch movies twice

When I have to watch them for something Except the other sister Which I could not watch twice It goes back to the workshop, and Plastic Santa, this is where we see him in his regalia, in his kind of third world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dressed kind of like a combination of like an Italian carbuneri and Augusto Pinochet, and he has toy soldiers. And he says a really great line here. one of the many fantastic lines of this movie

um oh and next time you cough would you mind doing it right into the microphone as loud as you can sure he wait what was I saying oh yeah he says a really funny line here one of the many great lines that totally make sense in the English language in this movie he says as the um toy soldiers who by the way

seem like they are made of like mylar like they're so fragile they cannot it's like being attacked by a 70-year-old man with Marfan syndrome who has severe arthritis in their knees and elbows. Yeah, no ability to, like, grab anything or... Really, no ability to do anything except walk in a straight line. Yes. And they seize the elves, and then he says, I would do what they ask you, which is pretty

much what I'm going to tell you. So, great. line. His plan is to give everyone Cole for Christmas because everyone's naughty. Mm-hmm. He has, I feel like all of, like, that role was written by someone else who was, like,

I don't know if it's, I said Samuel Beckett earlier, but it's kind of, it's like, like, Christopher Durang, or like, I don't, I don't know. It's just everything he says is so... Yeah, it's very Durand, Duran. I agree. Just kidding. he's like a yago type figure no no actually not um because yago just does it for the love of the game

you know he's doing it for um he's a missionary style yeah yeah he's uh very much spanish inquisition on the polish inquisition because it's the north pole yeah and yeah he really hates kids he um it goes back to the principal's house which by the way this is after he tells her that he's Santa and he is still in the house for some reason and Charlie starts throwing snowballs at it which really makes me think that Charlie might have kind of a psychosexual obsession with this principal or something yeah because he's obsessed with like doing childish pranks to her totally I would too I mean She's, she's, she's a batty, like they said. Yeah, I, and then, I was, I started watching it with my sister and she said that she looked

like me in the first scene. Period. So, are you saying I'm a batty? Yes. Oh, period. Thank you. I wasn't fishing, but, um. Yes, you were.

But I didn't watch it with my sister. I made that out. Also, I'm Santa. Yeah. Also, he is like, remember all those things I did, they were magic. Don't you realize? It's like, bitch, if you didn't make that goddamn mistletoe, you could have shown her by doing some magic shit right now. Yeah.

And then Charlie goes to, you know, he confronts Charlie because he, which would be literally the most would be just genuinely traumatizing if you were pranking your principal and your dad came out the door. Yeah. Because he was macking on her. Yeah. and he yells at him and is like he's really mad that he can't tell anyone that he's Santa Claus but he says it like he's like my friends are like oh my dad's a plumber my dad's a electrician and I can't even fucking flex on them my dad is cooler he's like my dad has the most awesome job ever and I can't tell anyone yeah and then Charlie said he tells Charlie my time is up and Charlie says who cares anymore and at that point I was like period okay well so one of the elves comes back Curtis um played by what's his name again Spencer Spencer Breslin who is um

the brother of the girl from Little Miss Sunshine totally yeah um also in this is an elf I think really yeah he is I mean I am I feel like Abigail Brezlin is a good actor and this kid is just not he just does I think this kid is good for a kid you know for a kid who's like literally like six or like six or seven years old i think he's i think he's slaying um and yeah he comes in on a jetpack and is like tells tim allen about what's happening in the north pole but he does it by he tells um lucy who answers

the door i'm your dad i'm your dad's friend from buffalo yes which it's funny out yeah buffalo where I am right now the closest place in the United States of America to the North Pole I guess according to these you know and it's also like it's more points for Tim Allen being a pedophile because there's this kid

coming to the door being like I'm your dad's friend and also we work together in Buffalo I get other kids to trust him by being like get into the van I lure them I'm a lure Your dad is kind of like

What's that guy's name? Joseph Coral And I am like The guy Don't look him up If you don't know who that is Do not It's going to ruin your day

Cool But yeah He tells him This was one of my favorite Little touches Of the whole movie He says Where's Bernard

And Curtis tells him Bernard is under house arrest Which I thought was really funny Because Bernard is the only Visibly Jewish elf fascist Santa is like we got to put this

this guy somewhere they there's a bunch of really bad comedy parts they summon the tooth fairy well but before they summon the tooth fairy they're trying to figure out how to get to the North Pole and that's like okay we can't use the jetpack that

Curtis came in on because it's broken and then it's like oh well we Tim Allen still has this reindeer but for some reason it's too fat now and it just can't fly anymore so they can't use the reindeer so then there's this whole like kind of home alone sequence where they're trying to pull

out one of Tim Allen's teeth so that the tooth fairy will come yeah and it's so flat and so not funny and so like boringly staged and executed and stupid like they're trying and then Lucy comes in my tooth fell out again which i think is fun like they're neglecting her they're not feeding her enough like i didn't see so her teeth keep falling out yeah she's got like palagra she opens her mouth

and she has like three teeth left yeah she's on meth uh she's on heroin um the uh also yeah they catch the tooth fairy it's really easy to do um to both see and catch the tooth fairy is one of the simplest things imaginable. Yeah. And as they're flying away, it's Tim Allen on the tooth fairies, like, back, and Spencer Breslin is dangling via lit Christmas lights, and he says, could you possibly fly a little higher? And then he gets swung into a car at full speed, and, like, tanked by a car, and then he

says never mind um which made me think that he really liked the pain you know uh he it really i don't want to say turned him on but um because he's a child you should say that you should say that it would be it also wouldn't be bad if i said that because uh he's canonically 900 years old we learn um all the elves are and uh but yeah he but also they need to go to school yeah that that was i wrote that down too that she's going to be teaching nine 900-year-old elves who are just humoring her. I don't know. Like, bitch, we were there.

Okay, don't teach us about. We'll get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then Charlie goes to the principal and is like, listen, my dad really is Santa. Look at this, check out the snow globe and shows her a snow globe that isn't really that convincing, honestly. And says, seeing isn't believing.

Believing is seeing. And you haven't seen anything yet. Yeah. Basically, he gives her this snow globe that, like, allows him to call back his dad when he wants. Yeah. But that's not what they do with the snow globe in order to prove that magic is real. It just, like, glows. And then she's like, shit, I guess that magic is real and your dad is Santa. Yeah.

I also wrote down when the tooth fairy lands and brings Santa there. he tells the tooth fairy you were so brave today and I wrote my notes LMA oh he didn't do shit he literally did it so they get back to the workshop Santa has locked the elves in

a chamber of sorts you know a sort of airtight chamber which is interesting and then Charlie busts in he repels down which is something he does six or seven times in this movie him rappelling down from somewhere

and I did think there is a moment right here that I did actually think was kind of cute one of two moments in this movie that I was like oh that's actually cute and sweet where he's like Charlie how'd you get here and Charlie smiles and reveals that he's missing a tooth it reveals the tooth fairy

I was like that's actually a nice moment you know that's actually like funny and cute and but Santa takes off in the sleigh and he's going to go ruin Christmas. The only thing that can save them is Chet a mentally disabled reindeer

voiced by Phil and Lil from the Rugrats. It really does, it really, I mean I wouldn't be it is actually. Yeah, it is, yeah. I looked it up because I was like, why does that sound so familiar? It's like, it's a baby, but it's also, it's, it's dark, it's not yeah, it's, um,

there's, there's a lot. It kind of implies a kind of like inbreeding program that they have. There's like some kind of each progressive generation of reindeer is less and less is more and more genetically damaged. Yeah.

There's a big battle between the elves and the toy soldiers. One of the toy soldiers has one of the elves cornered and Charlie repels down again. I don't know how or from where. Yeah. You know, it's like he died and respawned.

yeah and also they like forgot what it's like it becomes spy kids it feels like this movie is constantly forgetting like what the rule like it's on the one hand so focused on like world building and on the other hand it keeps forgetting what the rules are yeah like or like what the focus is yeah yeah i think spy kids is definitely i think you hit the nail on the head there because like even scenes like the uh what's it called like the submarine deck scene like Santa's like you have the con and they're like we're elevating it from elf con 2 to elf con 1 which by the way is backwards the higher the number the worst things are in the defecon system they could have looked that up they but in fairness they do do that in the first movie as well because there are like elf secret agents called like the elf squad or something whoa yeah who do a jail break on Santa because he goes to jail for doing coke in public.

And so they defeat Santa. They defeat the guys here. Oh, my God. I loved this part where it's Tim Allen climbing across the sleigh to kind of get like bad Tim Allen who's Santa. And this is where we get some great Tim Allen adlibs where it's kind of like, very cool um here are some of them the santa on the sleigh is yelling he's an action hero you're a sad strange little man that's a good way to that's a good way to lose an eye look out you're scaring me um yeah this like they take him and they put him in the machine from earlier but they

set it from uh duplicate to reduce um and it would be funny if he came out exactly the same size, but his penis was smaller. Wait, I straight up wasn't paying attention at this point. What, they put him in the machine and he gets smaller? Yeah, I don't think it comes up again. It might come up in the sequel or something, like he's in a jar

or some shit. Sure. I think he might come back also as like a full-on like henchman villain in the second one because the villain in the third one, the villain in the third one is Martin Short playing jazz.

Frost, by the way. Whoa. Yeah. He says at this point, it's like the heart felt ending. And he says, I think one of the funniest lines of the movie where he says, she says, so, you were just looking for a wife. He says, I was looking for a wife, but I didn't expect to fall in love. Yeah.

What were you going to do? You were just going to marry someone. He really didn't. You also, it's like, it's funny because he went on one date with Molly Shannon and then, like, hung out with the principal kind of and just immediately fell in love with her. But, like, they only hung out like two times, maybe. One time. Yeah, they went on one date as well. They also went on one date.

Yeah, it also doesn't really make a lot of sense because, like, Molly Shannon loved Christmas. She would have been a great Mrs. Claus, I feel like. And a funnier Mrs. Claus for sure for the next movie. Yeah. So kind of a missed opportunity there. He gives a heartfelt speech about, like, you might not have known me for very long, but you've actually known me all your life.

When you were little... When you were little and alone, I was always there for you. Which, again, the pedophile angle is not... Yeah. Yeah. And then he says basically, like, you can, like, you don't have to marry me.

It'll just mean that children everywhere will lose... out Christmas and all the elves were all lose their jobs and I won't be able to be Santa anymore. It sucks because I really want to be Santa. Yeah, you'll pretty much ruin everything for everyone in the world if you don't marry me. And then they decide like, the elves

are like, all right, we'll pretend that we have a school here. She can pretend, we'll pretend that she's teaching us. Oh yeah, when she's, when the principal is deciding whether or not to marry Santa, she's like, is there a school in the North Pole? Like, the one thing that I enjoy doing is being a school principal and the elves are like just lie to her just tell her there's a school

and he's like yes and you can be the principal every day it's like and then mother nature performs their marriage which made me picture mother nature refusing to do a gay marriage because it's not natural and yeah then she she went right when she says i know pronounce you man and wife Tim Allen immediately becomes old and fat so he could be Santa again which I was like that's very funny

yeah and then there is the second scene that I thought was actually cute just because of the performance of the kid who plays Lucy but the scene where Lucy learns that the obvious fact that she should have already known

that Uncle Scott is Santa I thought that was really sweet actually i was like oh that's so nice because she's so excited but then the other kid is like and just remember you can never tell any it's like it's still very pedophile coded yeah it's it's a little bit i mean i feel like that scene wasn't wasn't as bad as like some other scenes but yeah i guess i could see i could see the uh the implications there yeah and the last line of this movie is him saying nothing wrong with being straight, Chet, as they fly into the sky

on the, on the sleigh. Are you for real? He says, I think he says, there's nothing wrong with going straight, Chet. That is so funny. Because the reindeer are zigzagging and such. Yeah.

But yeah, I, I, that's the end of this movie, which you know, had some funny some funny things. I don't, again, I don't think it was like, terrible terrible like you know

like we should have watched the Whoopi Goldberg one honestly yeah yeah that was on me that's on me I don't know next time maybe we do another one like next week or something

I'd be down yeah yeah it wasn't it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen I think I was just I was I was sick and angry and didn't want to yeah I mean it's not good let's be clear it's not really good

but it was a tough watch uh yeah it was not exactly you know and there's a lot of problems uh introduced by it but you know it's for kids or whatever the fuck you know fuck them uh but yeah that's that's the movie it's a great movie and i loved it um we've got a few few more minutes is there anything you want to update everyone with anything going on with your life um How did June do last night? Did she steal your job by being better than you?

I don't know. I have to text her. I want to hear how it went. So our friend June is my understudy in this play. And she went on for me last night because I'm sick. And she is going to go on for me tonight as well because I'm still really sick. I really wish I could see her do it because I don't know. She's just, she's funny as fuck.

Yeah, absolutely. But I'm sure she's killing it. Um, what else is going on in my life? Yeah, I, thank you for doing this, even though you're sick, by the way. I'm sure, I'm sure it probably delayed, probably added another day or two to your sickness watching this movie. Yeah. Can't have been good for it. But, yeah.

You're in Buffalo? I'm in Buffalo still, yeah. Sweet. I come back on the 20th. Period. Will you be in town? Yeah. Period.

Let's hang. Yeah, we should hang out. Period. Um, yeah. What else? Should we do a bit to close it out? Sure. Okay.

What's a fun? What's something funny? Um, wait, I can read through more of our texts about a non-binary person named Rape. Yeah, go ahead. Um. it got really nonsensical toward the end yeah um you said i got hot and heavy with rape last night you said did you hear rape as dating famine do you want to go see mike bigly with me and rape

tonight uh board game night it's going to be me has said june and i'm going to force you to have sex with me also our friend rape won't be there because they are because they killed himself And then I said, rape night, it's going to be the usual crew. Mm-hmm. I said they killed themselves because they found out what their name meant. And then he said, these ones made me really laugh. These ones? I said, wait, why is rape kind of hot?

I love rape. And then I said, I love rape. Rape doesn't eat meat, so we should look for a vegan place. I said rape has telekinesis now. I said rape learned razor leaf. What is razor leaf? It's a Pokemon move. Oh, period.

I said they used their telekinesis for evil. Rape made everyone's bones fly out and assemble into a huge bone monster named pedophile. I said, even worse, someone named Rape who uses it its pronouns. And I said, rape is canceled now just because it was awkward on one date. And then I keep trying to make it nonsensical. So I said, it's also canceled because it used its powers to blow up Big Ben, and it stole the crown jewels. All of this happened in the UK, by the way. Also, magic is real.

I said, I feel so bad for Small Ben. And I said, in the UK, rape is nothing more than a seed. Rape seed oil. They actually call what we call rape manslaughter, but pronounced man's laughter. And then I said, well, yeah, because of the Tugbert equation. Under Margaret Thatcher, she invented it. And then she died from dot, dot, dot. We should just stop here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, on mine. I guess, like, yeah, we got kind of lull random there for a little while. Yeah, kind of lull random. Yeah. Then you said, I'm going to rape myself. I'm raping myself. I'm very happy together.

You ever hear that song? It's I Married Myself is the song I think it's by Sparks But yeah Everyone listen to Sparks Go see Mosh's play Yeah The play is closing

What the hell is up with those Bennett bitches Is what it's called Yeah it's called that AKA are the Bennett girls okay It is closing December 21st If you're a student You can get $20 tickets With the code Bennett student

and if you're under 30, you can get $30 tickets with the code 30. That's just the word, T-H-I-R-T-Y. Mm-hmm. Period. Thanks so much for having me on, Hess. Oh, thank you. Come on whenever. You're weird.

Yes. So that's all for today, everyone. Jock will be on the next one. I am sad because I wanted Masha and Jok to meet, because I think that would be a meeting of the mind. for sure. Yes. Yeah.

You know, I sometimes when I listen to the podcast, I do, I feel, I feel like in some ways a, like a midpoint between like, maybe between all three of you, but especially you and Jacques because I have a lot of really insane stories about like random illnesses and like horrible things that my family have done. But I'm also, you know, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, tell one of the stories. Tell one of the stories right now. before we close out. Shit.

Well, this is why I'm different from Jock because I don't want to I don't want to tell all my personal shit on here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

You don't want to talk to your family members. Yeah. Yeah, Jacques would be so mean to you because he would see you on video and be like, I fucking hate this bit. I would love to meet them. Yeah, no.

They've been nothing but kind to me over Instagram, do you? No, no, he would love you. But, yeah, okay, that is all for today, everyone. Tomorrow we're doing the Santa Claus one. So we'll talk to you then. Bye. Bye. I'm going to be able to be.

I'm going to be able to be.