Seeking Derangements - SD 459 - The Curse of Joseph Cronos (w/ Masha Breeze)

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

Masha joins Hesse for an episode everyone will definitely love! Masha and Hesse discuss Masha’s acclaimed new play “Are The Bennett Girls Okay?” Before writing an even better play called “The Curse of Joseph Cronos.” They also discuss a wide range of topics, get a call from P*dophile Samantha Jones, and share with you The Greatest Joke Ever Written! Get tickets to see Masha in Are The Bennet Girls Ok?

Bad bad things happen when you hear my name Deny your attraction but I've got no shame 16 I'll get you 20 I've got your luck for life Don't even think about it because baby I'm Not your girlfriend as big as building. Now you're getting larger. Now you're turning into sand.

Now you're melting. Now you're small. You're so small. You're the tiniest thing in the world. You're bacteria. Now you're big. You're big again. Now you're dissolving.

Now you're frozen. It's so relaxing. You're the hottest that a thing can be. Wow. You're steaming. It hurts. It hurts. Now it feels good.

It feels amazing. It's the best feeling you've ever felt. Now you know that you'll never feel it. ever again, but then you feel it again, and you're like, what? I thought I couldn't feel this again. All your hair fell off. It grew back better, but then you got a bad haircut. Wow, I feel so relaxed.

I'm ready to record. Thank goodness. Oh, are we going? Yes, I'm starting to have recording. That bit is like half stolen, I should say, from my ex's ex. Your aunt. Yeah, yeah, aka my Xs is X. Oh, let me turn off.

Totally. Everyone, Mosh, is here with me. Hi. Where's my apartment? We're in Hessa's apartment. Hessa has this bit that she loves to do. Well, I don't know if it's just for me, if it's for other guests, too, but I'll come over and the TV will be on, and she'll just go, TV, off, but then nothing happens

because her TV isn't a smart TV. Or it doesn't have, like, voice control. TV off. It worked the first time. That's because she had the remote in her hand. Did you say he had the remote in her hand? What the hell? I didn't say that.

Oh. Play it back. DJ, run that shit back. He had the remote in her hand. Oh, my God. Sharpier listeners will, uh, be able to figure out

this is Masha that I'm speaking to. You already set that. And this is a bonus episode. It's me and Masha today.

And we're having a good time and we're chilling out. I'm a little sick, but we're having fun. Do you want some? No, I'm good thing. Okay, period.

Can you have this? Yerba Mata? Yeah. Is it celiac? I would imagine it's safe, but I would have to check the safe. It's made from bread. Sure. Well.

Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that safe? Is that okay? Can you have bread? Can you eat this bread? I, um, this is going to be interesting to know one, but, uh, I, there's this grocery store here by work that, like, I've,

been going to after work, because I work late nights now. What job? I am acting in a play. And anyway, I've been going to this grocery store, like, after work to get food for the night. Period. But last night, I realized they have an upstairs section that has, like, a shit ton of gluten-free stuff, which is really exciting. Oh, period. Yeah.

Oh, my God. are so loud. Really? Yeah. So I have to be still. But they have a gluten-free section. That's so cool.

What are we going to do? Pro-A-P-A-R-A-P-A-W-A-W-Has. Pro-Anna-A-Lvis. What does that character you can be? Hey, bye-bye. That's the funnest thing about Elvis

that he goes that's him throwing up that's bulimic Elvis Oh god That's a great Masha and has a character there Belimic Elvis

We also wait Let's listen to the Olivia Nuzzi's song Oh yeah yeah Okay so I'm assuming people probably already know about this But so this journalist who had an affair with RFK Jr is coming out with like a tell-all...

And Mark Sanford. Right. It is coming out with a tell-all memoir. Which I have an excerpt of it that I can read that's about the worm. Oh, I think, yeah. I think I heard, I read that. I'm lying. I heard it on Chopo.

They read that part. Fuck. Okay, well then we're not going to read that. But they didn't play the song on Chopin. Yeah. It's not confirmed that this is. her song but i think it was they like found it on her tumbler or something um i shouldn't like play it into the mic right no you should okay i mean that's like the only way to do it totally unless

ben edits it in ben can you edit it in please but it's um it's really it's called jail bait yeah it's really really crazy and it's she was going by the name livy um And it's just a song about, like, being 16 and no one's allowed to fuck you, but you're so hot. Wow. She's like, she's got a deep mind. I really. Things happen when you hear my name. Tonight your attraction, but I've got no shame.

16 will get you 20. I've got your life for life. Don't even think about it. Oh my god It would be funny if she made this When she was like 22 I think that she did I think that's the thing

I think it was from not that long ago Wow Oh my god How old is she? I don't know I think she's in her 30s Period I'm just guessing Um

But anyway That's a Would you have sex with RFK For a million dollars but yeah for sure but his voice thing transfers to you it's contagious like permanently or how long um until he he nuts in your mouth and then he starts talking normally and he's like finally but he would have my fag accent no he uh he talks in a yeah he has a fagcent I feel like that would damage him as much as it would damage me.

Maybe not as much, but it wouldn't be good for him if he was like, well, how do I talk? You talk normally, I guess. Do your impression of me. My impression of you. Hey, guys. Hello. Hello. Why, hello there.

I've been doing this bit with my friend. Sloan that's like I haven't come up with a name for this character other than like gay guy lesbian but it's just like gay guy lesbian yeah but it's like someone being like ugh I just I ate so

much pussy this week I'm so damn hey belie McElvis I'm gay guy I don't even like a gay guy let's I don't even like censoring I just threw it for the bit

Hey there, mama Have you ever seen the L word? Yes Have you seen the episode with the male lesbian in it? No, I stopped like right before that one I think That's like the second episode though No, it's not Yeah, it is.

Is it? Yeah. Then I guess I did say, oh, is it like Shane and the male lesbian or something? I can't remember who dates the male lesbian. I don't know. I watched like seven episodes of it with our friend Jesse, but I just couldn't. I was just like, this is, do you like that word? I think it's so fun.

I can't get it. Her amazing book. Thus spoke Sarah Schuster. Wait, what? That's her, or it's a short story she wrote in the, in the, in the, The world of the L word called Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster Because Sarah Schuster

Sounds like Zarathustra. That's really good. Yeah. That's awesome. That's a good character. Sarah Schuster. Hi. I'm just a normal woman.

How's it going? My name's Sarah Schuster. And if I recall correctly, the plot of the story is that it's a woman running through a carnival as a dark force. Jesus hurt. That's awesome.

Yeah. Let me just check the levels, too. Can you talk? Go ahead. Talk. I'm turning up the wrong one. Hi. There we go.

Okay. Everything sounds good to me. Sweet. But yeah, how are you? What's your job that you've been doing? I'm in this play right now. my sister wrote it I wrote music for it

it's not technically a musical but what's it called it's called are the Bennett girls okay it's like an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and yeah it's running off Broadway right now and which Bennett girl are you I'm Mary she's like the weird

like socially awkward like bordering on autistic she's the autistic one but not quite I'm trying not to do like a yeah thing. Give us some of your performance. I'll read as the other characters.

You don't have the script. I know it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you start. What a good day to be here. Not my neuro spicy ass playing with this Rubik's Cube. Is that really a lot? No.

I have been doing this other character that's like neurospicy Galgado. not my neuro spicy ass being overwhelmed by the chicken tenders not my nor spicy ass unable to stop playing with the Rubik'scube what was your Israeli character named? Yahoo, Yahoo something I can't remember it's like DJ, I don't know, I don't remember Yahoo!

Yeah, which I think is a Scooby-Doo villain I remember correctly. Oh, God. My name is Yauwiyahu. Careful. What? Just careful. Why?

For the people at home, I'm balancing a knife on my chin. And we're in a synagogue. And we're in a synagogue. Everyone's been staring at us all the whole time. No, we're in my apartment. Mosh is here with me. People, eagle-eared listeners, will be able to tell. that Mosh is here

and we have so much stuff for you today Such as Why don't we take some calls? Yeah, yeah, let's take some calls. Yeah, it looks like we're getting a caller here. This is a new caller who's calling in. Who is this? Hi.

Oh, hello. What's your name? Brandon. Okay, Brandon. Like, I don't know. I have a question about love. Okay. Masha, what do you think? This sounds like a child.

Yes, it sounds like a small child. Sounds like a small kid. Kind of sounds like my nephew, honestly. My nephew whose name is Brandon. Wow. Is that true in real life or is that a bit you're doing for today? I would never lie about something like that. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, Brandon, what's your question about love? I have a question on this goal, and I want to know how to impress her. Okay. I think if you do a stunt, a trick, sort of any kind of maneuver, you know. What did you, like, when you had a crush when you were a kid, were you like, were you, did you hit them? I would go up to them, and I would just say, look. is it is this going to happen or what at what age the one when i was one year old i did that totally imagine you're like babysitting a kid

like like a five-year-old in their life my brother did do that to one of my babysitters that's awesome he asked if he could give her a sloppy kiss and then lick the side of her face that's awesome also we are getting another call from it sounds like another listener who wants to answer the first listener's question oh my god okay let's check hello who's this i'm just curious about that last caller honey hi sorry what's your name it's me samantha jones oh wow PR expert to the stars nice nice to uh good to talk to you again samantha well honey you know i'm a pedophile So I'd had to call in when I heard a kid on the phone. So you, do you have a question for the past listener or some advice for him? Who?

I'm also forgetful, darling. It's a double character. Forgetful, pedophile, Samantha. Did you suffer, like, a brain injury, or what, what's the story? Huh? deaf forgetful excuse me other than children around here

well one one just called in but I don't really want to connect you with him because you said you're a pedophile oh that's right honey down to the bone you're a pedophile to the bone even a skeleton form of me

would be petophile it's not in the skin baby it's not skin deep with me it's down to the Boom, baby. Wow. Okay. Hessa, what do you think about...

What do you think about... Wow. I sounded a lot like forgetful pedophiles Smith there for a second. Well, I think this is a really great call that we were getting. It's really funny. And I think whoever's on the other end of the line is doing a really good job. Being a pedophile, I guess. Thank you, darling.

Do we want to... I know we have a lot of calls to get to. Yeah, we have a lot of calls to get to. Yeah, if you have any questions about love, dating, just interpersonal problems. I have a question. Have you seen my car keys? I'm a pedophile.

This is going to be funny to know. This is the way this is going to be funny to know what. Oh, my God. We do have one hate listener of our podcast who DMs me and DM to me specifically about our episode. About our... Their last one that we did. The fucking, the Snape Elizabeth Holmes.

Yeah, yeah, Snape and Elizabeth Holmes. That was a tough one. That was one of the best episodes of my life. I don't know. I was torturing you. I got genuinely mad on that. You and Michelle were like chilling out and having a good time, and I was angry. I was like not down to do improv anymore.

Oh my God. Were they, this listener, they were complimentary of the episode? No, they were not exactly complimentary of the episode. They didn't like it. Yeah. But hey, I think most of our listeners don't listen to because they hate us. I think they listen. They're really bad if they did.

I know. It's crazy to do that. I'm trying to think if I would do that with anyone. Like, I guess if, like, you know, Gillane Maxwell had a podcast, I would listen to that, just out of curiosity. Yeah. Could you imagine her? It would be her Elizabeth Holmes and Jen Shaw. I would listen to the fuck out of that.

We should do that episode. Yes. Oh, my God. That's the next episode. But what would the difference be between your pedophile Samantha impression and just doing Galane Maxwell? Well, Galane Maxwell's voice, she's like, hello, who to see you, Dad? I'm realizing, I actually have never heard her speak. I know that she's not.

She's not British. She is British? She's not British? I don't think she is. I thought she was. I'm looking it up. TV. Is?

Galane Maxwell Maxwell still married is one of them British For those still listening Hessa is still balancing a knife on her chin She is British

Oh my God So I guess she does have a British accent Right what what well there you have it we've answered the famous question does galane maxwell so she'd be like

what kind of British accent though would it be like I think it'd be quite classy but she also has a CTE so she's like I can't draw a clock what time is it I can't draw a clock What time is it?

I can't growing up to someone on the street and being like, can you please draw a clock for me? I have no clue what time is. I have no clue what time is. Whatever I, yeah, whatever I need to know what time is I draw a clock

and whatever time it's on that clock is correct. Because would that be a good superpower? Here's your options for superpowers, okay? You can draw a clock at any time and it's always going to have the correct time on it, no matter what. or you can shrink to like four feet tall can I go back

can you what do you mean like once I've shrunk to four feet tall can I go back to my regular height um you can go back which is what four foot one yes you can go back to four foot one So which one would you rather do? I mean, the clock one, I feel like. Because in the clock one, also, whatever time you pick, it becomes that time also. Oh, that's great.

Do I get to pick the date, too? No. It doesn't have a chromatograph on it. But I can go back in time during the day. That's what it's called, right, for days? The machine that allows you to change what day it is. That's really what it's called. Yeah, I think it's called it.

Chronograph. No, that's what the date being out on a watch. Yeah, Joseph Krono is inventor of time. The first man to make it be time for something. He said, it's time. It's time to invent a watch. It's just a guy like a steampunky, like sort of anime guy just covered in cloths. His catchphrase is always just, it's time.

It's time. It's nearly time. But that's the curse of Joseph Kronos is that he never... The curse of Joseph Kronos! The curse of Joseph Kronos! A detective Elvis mystery. You can do it a lot better than that kid. Detective Belimic Elvis presents the curse of Joseph Kronos.

I got to find this Joseph Kronos cab. And then I got to throw up. I'm binging up Hey there, baby You got me Peanut Butter, Banana, Bacon, ice cream for me to binge on For me to have a little bit

So I can throw it up After I bet all this did throw up a lot Probably Because he was addicted to drugs Yum, that'll do it That often makes people Throw up

Let's talk about drug addiction Let's talk about it In fact I think we should I think we should write a rival play to beat out your sister's play. But then, and I'll be out of a job. You can be in a rival play. Can I do both at once?

Yeah. What's the rival play called? It's called the Curse of Joseph Kronos. It's called the Curse of Joseph Kronos. So let's figure this out. Hang on. Hang on. In a world in which time has become illegal, one man dared to ask what time is it.

That's shit, that's nothing. All right. Hessa just pulled a, like, a pristine typewriter from under her bed. The curse of Joseph Kronos. Okay. Enough fucking around. Let's put this thing away.

I bought this. I don't know why. It's a beautiful device, though. It is. But there's no use case for it at all in any way. Okay. Scene one. It should take place somewhere where there's no time.

Everyone's late. North Pole. South Pole. family there's okay yeah it's at the south pole a place where there's no time famously yeah and there's an expedition crew and they have one of those trucks that's like a giant drill yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah and they're like going they're drilling down into the ground and they keep saying there's no time we don't have time but there's a young boy with them Elvis no

Elvis is not a character in this. To be serious, okay. Elvis is not, besides Detective Elvis is a movie that me and Dosser writing, which is where Elvis solves the mystery of

Andy Warhol, who's training women to kill people in his factory. Has it told me about an amazing movie idea that she had the other day. But here's... But that's... different this is this is the curse of joseph cronos so we open on an expedition to the south pole

they're driving a huge armored drill yeah um but they're not they're not drilling they're just driving they're not using it yeah they're just using it as a car yeah and then it says at the bottom of the screen 1492 that's what year it is because time is all messed up because josephronos hasn't invented it Yeah. What genre are we thinking? Wait, this is a play. It's a play, yeah. Wait.

Okay. No, no, keep everything. Everything is exactly as we've just described it. There's a giant drill that rolls across the screen. It's not the screen, the stage. And there's no time. And of course, this is a horror play. I know musical.

Is there, are there any plays that are scary? Yeah. Like what? I can't think of any right now. I'm looking at up. No, like, um, the Antipodes by Annie Baker is pretty scary. I bet it's not that scary. It's kind of scary.

What happens in it? Um, this guy, I, the, uh, I was in it in college. I played this really creepy guy who, like, throws up an octopus. McAbeth. That's not really that scary That's scary Not really I mean you know he's not going to come out

It would be scary of in Macbeth Like looked at the audience and went You Started trying to kill someone in the audience That kind of happens in some versions of Sweeney Todd Which is also kind of scary Sweeney Todd's a beautiful musical though Yeah

But it's also scary Would you hook up with Sweeney Todd Yeah which one like which actor are playing him yeah shit um not george well maybe george he's george hurne he played swini todd oh period um he's a very he has a really beautiful voice um michael server you're not you can't make out with his voice though that's what if you could well and this is the answer our play the curse of josephronos answers the classic question And what if you could make out with someone's voice?

Yes. There's someone named Dr. Voice. Yeah. First name. Soto. Yeah. But it's not Soto Voce. It's Soto Voice.

Soto Voice is his name. Yeah. And then there's sort of like a scrappy repair boy named like Gadget. Made ganglia. Ganglia. Yeah. Who has a degenerative disease. Whereas arms are just like very withered and very narrow and small.

But they have like hammers or screwdrivers attached to them. I should say right now it is like 12.30 p.m. and we are both completely sober. Yes. But oh, and also it's a play. So we would need someone who does actually look like that. That's tough. But here, but like this crew, who else is on the X. edition crew.

Dr. Soto Boce. Still scene one. There's another character named Bander Snatch. And it's a beautiful woman. Prambula.

Prambula Bander Snatch. Yeah. And like, this is us describing a play that we both saw, by the way. This is a real play that we saw. That has a

wants to put on a production now? Yeah. where um all over the world broadway everywhere the great white way yeah what's that the great white way that's what they call broadway really mm-hmm isn't that crazy yes the great white white way the white way and that's what we they mentioned that in the in the play too say it's gonna be interesting it's like sort of a play because it They're in this snowy landscape. It's a play on words, and there are words written all across the ground, all across the stage.

Yeah. And so it's a play occurring on words. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. Yes. It's a play on words. Yum.

And what else is going on in this play? Well, scene two. Let's get to scene two. Yeah. Because that scene is very short. It's short. But it's, I would say it's one of the better scenes in the play. It's one of the only watchable scenes.

It's really, it's spectacular. Yeah. Starts with a musical number. Dr. Soto voice. Soto voice comes out and explains his evil plan. Mm-hmm. He's going to make a voice you can kiss. Yes.

Which is bad because. Because once you do that, it completely breaks. The fourth wall. It completely breaks the fourth wall I was going to say the Phoenix equation And introduce another completely incomprehensible Element That's beautiful

Well and it also breaks It breaks the fourth wall But it also breaks the fourth wall, but it also breaks the Yeah And they're Up to this point There's a wall in front of the audience So they can't see what's going on

And finally Punches Dr. Soto voice Punches through the wall Yeah, it punches through the wall And then everyone can see the words on the ground Yeah, they can see the play that's happening The drill, the drill truck The audience never gets to see it

And it's so, so sad Because it's such a detailed, such a detailed prop Yeah, well he only punches through the wall It's a pretty small hole It's a very small hole He makes in the wall It's a very small But he punches through it with his voice

Because he creates a voice you can kiss He creates a voice that has a physical manifestation Whether it's punching or kissing or you know whatever Punching or kissing the two main things to do With your body yeah He uses it mostly to kiss people Yeah non-consensually I don't know

I think he's doing it consensually I think no because people are kissing his voice You know but he has to be evil He has to be evil he has to be evil yeah and that's his big struggle he's like he has a song called i have to be evil what happened to him again there was like some childhood thing that made him have to be evil yeah he saw um he saw his mom kissing santa claus

and that's why he needs to make a voice you can kiss because he's like a voice must replace center in my mother's lip upon my mother's own lips I swear to you and who's playing Dr. Soto voice Soto voice George Hearn Okay

Because he has such a beautiful Totally who's playing Joseph Kronos Was he also a doctor? Joseph Kronos is not a doctor well he's a doctor but not in medical totally he's a doctorate of gender studies and he has all these clocks all over him and he's like big he doesn't show up until very late

and he's cursed as we've established and then who's playing wait wait who's playing him who's playing Joseph Kronos it's an animatronic actually it's a detailed animatronic It's a clockwork based Kind of a clockwork man It's puppet

It's puppetry We're doing sort of like a shockheaded Peter thing And then who plays Prambula Bander Snatch Prambola Bander Snatch Well you of course Okay

Yeah I'm the I'm the love interest of Dr. Soto voice You are the daughter And love interest Of Dr. Soto Voice But you're adopted So it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. But you're an adult also.

Oh, we're getting another call right now. Wait, who's calling right now? Hello, I'm back. Oh, it's petapile. Pedophile, Samantha. Is that you? I heard you were talking about a daughter and a father. I wanted to say that I forgot what I was going to say when I called in. Goodbye. Well, okay. I wonder why she I guess she She's weird

Yeah she's a funny one Anyway so back to the Back to the play Scene three happens It mostly takes place in On the South Pole Yeah Yeah

It's no this one takes place on the North Pole Oh okay And there's a whole different We change the entire set It just is rotated Like yes Or it's a mirror image set. It's upside down. It's an

upside down set. Totally. Yeah. And that's really one of the things that's so interesting about this movie is that... Not a movie. Play. You're right. I'm sorry. You're good. You have a whistle on your

belt. I do. Is that in case you get raped? Yes. When I first moved into my apartment, my roommate gave me a rape whistle. Period. Yeah. Is there an image on the side of it um it's a it's a south house i don't know what that means period um anyway back yeah yeah back to the movie fucking not in the movie back to the play um it really

shows that like the world is turned upside down because the north pole is the one that's upside down if you remember right even though the north well life North Pole is famously not upside down. Right, but neither is the South Pole. Uh-huh. TV. Is the South Pole upside down? Is the South Pole upside down?

Yeah. I'm actually Googling that because I want to see what answers will happen. Is the South Pole? Wait, let's look at these. Is the South Pole real, is one of them? That's fun. Is the South Pole hot? Is the South Pole moving?

is the south pole cold or hot is the south pole in Antarctica is the south pole cold is the south pole upside down and the answer no the south pole is not

upside down because down is a direction defined by gravity and that's one of the lines in this play there's also a guy named doctor upside down we have to stop it's less of a story and it's like cats it's exactly like cats it's exactly like cats we keep introducing all these doctors these fantastic doctors these sort of

like tortured sci-fi villains there's no hero there's no real problem and everything that each of them wants to do doesn't really make sense for instance for instance doctor upside down all he wants to do is what does he want to do again he wants to turn the world upside down yeah absolutely yeah and he succeeds there's a guy named hallowenio who wants to make everyday Halloween Skeletoneo um wants to turn everyone into a skeleton yeah which pedophile Samantha would still be a pedophile you know down to the bone to the bone baby yeah to the bone? I have a pedophile to the bone.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. They found out that being a pedophile is stored in the bone. It's stored in the bone marrow, actually. What if they found that out? The pedophilia is stored in bone marrow? Yeah. What would you do?

What do you want me to do? Would you get a transplant? If they could fix it, would you do it? Yeah. If they could fix it, would you do it? If they could fix it, would you do it? For the people at home, Mosh is here with me. Fuck you.

What's the name of your play again? Are the Bennett girls okay? No, the other one. What other one? The curse of Joseph Kronos. Yeah, I'm here to promote. Great play. The curse of Joseph Kronos.

I'm here to promote this play that I'm in called The Bar, The Benet Girls Okay? It's running off Broadway right now. at Bedlam. I guess I'll just, you can get, if you're under 30, you can get tickets for $30 instead of, it's like 90 something. If you're under 30? Yeah.

It's like a young person discount with the code 30, T-H-I-R-T-Y. Is that like a common thing? I don't know, actually. That's how you prove you're under 30 by typing in 30 into the website. Yeah. They do, well, there's a thing that they put out that was like, we will be checking IDs. I don't know how real that is, but it would be really funny.

Wait, you don't know if they check the IDs? Yeah, I don't know. But you've been in the play. Yeah, but I'm not like, I don't, I'm not at the box office when they're letting people in it backstage, getting ready. Oh, you should go out there one day and just be like, hey, welcome to the play. Welcome everyone. Good to see you. Yeah, that would be crazy.

I'm going to be in the play today. Yeah. Yeah. What a wacky scenario. Do people, like, ask for your autograph? Um, no, that has never happened. Has anyone ever sent flowers to you? Yes. Who?

Um, friends of mine. Okay. No strangers? I don't think so. There are a couple people who have seen it, like, ten times who, like, keep coming back and have been very nice. Oh, my God. Um, so that's, is it a funny play? Yeah, it's funny.

Um, and I'm playing, like, one of the, like, charactery, funny. people. Period. And June's also in it. Yes, June, our friend June, is understudying my role and another role. And we're at like 60 something performances out of, I think, around 100, because it's been extended now twice. Period. Because I'm so popular. Yeah. And the New York war crimes gave it a really good review. Oh, period. For whatever that's worth. Did you save the clip out of the review? Did they mention you? Yes, they did. What did they say? They said nice things like what they said i don't remember the exact it was like there's not enough doctors even doctors yeah they did complain about the lack of evil doctors they said it's no

curse of jona joseph cronos yeah yeah it's not exactly sorry i was mixing it up for a second with the sequel the curse of jonah cronos which is a terrible it's not as good yeah it doesn't live up to the first one there's a plot there's a plot it's horrible first of all there's not a wall in front of it's not nearly as daring um but yeah it was it was i had very i had complicated feelings about the new york times review because it was it was very complimentary but i was also like i don't know i don't totally know how to think about like praise coming from a pretty fucked institution what's wrong with the new york time what did they do they um They wrote a puff piece about the curse of Jonah Kronos that I was like, this isn't.

Well, their editor is Jonah Kronos of the play review section, which is why that one got such a good review. And they savage Joseph Kronos, his brother. Yeah. Who is a machine again. Who is a clockwork man. Steampunk puppet clockwork, yeah. And that's actually his song Clockwork Man. It's really sad.

It's not a musical. I thought we said it was a musical. It's not a musical, but they're seven or eight musical numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're reviewing a musical. If it does have a plot, the plot is sort of this underlying theme of they're reviewing the play as it's happening. Yes, they're reviewing the play as it's happening. They don't give it a good review.

They don't like it. They don't like it. But that's what's so good about it. It's so complicated, you know. Um, this is worse than the Snapeworm. This is really bad. This is really bad. Oh, we're getting a call.

It's Joseph Kronos. Mr. Kronos, nice to meet you. Hello. Okay, I think we got to call this one. No, I think we should, I think we should talk to him. Okay, Mr. Kronos, um, your voice sounds really not annoying at all. I have a question about love. What's your question about love?

My wife left me. Lydia Kronos. My wife Lydia Kronos left me. For who? She left me a car in her wheel. She died? She died. Oh, no.

She went back too far in time Okay, so she can travel in time Yes, I think that's what I'm hearing from this Yes, you think that's what you're hearing You know, we all can travel in time But just one direction That's a really good point, Hessa Isn't that so interesting?

That is interesting Don't you think about stuff Don't you find things like that So fascinating in the world Well, I think this caller had a question. Oh, go ahead, Joseph Kronos. You got a lot to wheel a car. I was wheeled a car.

And I don't know what to do with it because I live in a walkable city. Okay, you could sell it. That's not really a question about love also. Well, I mean, it's sort of tangent. Well, I'm sure there's sentimental value to the car. Is there sentimental value to the car? No. No.

Not exactly. Not exactly. I don't want to sell it because of the curse. Oh my God. That's what's cursed, the car. Right. So this is interesting because we've been talking about, we've been sort of making up a fictional play called the Curse of Joseph Kronos.

And now we're getting a call from a real person named Joseph Kronos. Well, I was calling in... I don't know how real this person sounds with this voice. I was calling in because you mentioned my name, and I thought it was a funny coincidence. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, that is... You know, it's so nice when life presents you with these... Life finds a way.

Yeah. This is a quote from Jurassic Park. I don't know what to do with my car. Dr. Ian, uh, Ian Malcolm, I can't believe off the... the top of my head. I just remembered who Jeff Goldblum's character's name and Jurassic That is impressive. Dr. Ian Malcolm. Wow.

So what do we think he should do? What? I think you should sell the car. But it'll curse the person who owns it. Okay, what is the curse? Yeah, I'm curious what the

curse does. They become blind and a pedophile. Okay. They become a blind pedophile. I think that's really interesting. Why that combination of things, do you think, just pronos?

Because my wife was a blind pedophile. Oh, okay. Cool. Well, then I think probably don't sell the car. Yeah, or sell it to someone you really don't like. Yeah, you could see, yeah, you could find someone you hate. some vets some buyers, find the worst one, you know. Yeah.

See who's bad. See who's good. I think we help that guy out. And do you have like a blessing that you have also? Do you have a blessed item that you're selling? Yes. What is it? And the whale, my wife left me her ashes.

And I'm selling those. That was nice for her. That is a really thoughtful idea. I might steal that for my will To leave my ashes to someone Yeah, to leave Because usually they just throw them away Yeah

If you forget to write down If you have to write down at the top of your will I leave my ashes too Yeah Who would you, what would you leave me in your will? You? Yeah Because I'd leave you my typewriter easily

I would probably I would probably leave you my perfumes Oh I don't have many but I feel like you would like them. That's so sweet. You do smell nice today. Thank you.

I'm wearing a dupe of Baccarat Rouge. Period. Yeah. Nice. For the people at home, Masha smells kind of like a dupe of Baccarat Rouge. And pretty much, I think that's all the time we have for today. So everyone go see.

Are the Bennett's okay? Are the Bennett girls okay? Are the Bennett girls okay? Are the Bennett girls okay? Are the Bennett girls okay? Are they okay? Well, they aren't. It's a funny, it's funny. It's always fun when the title of a play is a question because you get to answer it in your own head as you watch along. And, you know, it's always cool to experience a classic through a new modern lens. A new lens. A new lens. And yeah, please come see this play. It is starting to sell out through the end of the run. So get your tickets while you can. Oh, you can also get student tickets for, I think, $20. You have to bring a student ID to the box office, but the code is Bennett student. And I think that's all of the...

And where is it again? It's at Bedlam. It's this off-Broadway theater on the Upper West Side. Yep, this is for New York. Oh, it's on the Upper West Side. I thought it was like around here. No, no, no, no, it's uptown. Period.

Fancy. I sing. I dance. Can you sing some of the song? Well, I would be sort of giving away the game, and I would be sued by my sister. Oh, no. But it's, I don't know, it's been. And your sister's an expert dramaturgist.

Tell everyone where she went to school. She is currently at Yale for playwriting. Period. And you also went to Yale. Nope. I went to... Vassar. Nope.

She went to Vassar for undergrad. How did I know that? I don't know, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh. This is getting a call.

I was getting a call, but I'm not answering it. Cool. Yeah, I don't know. It's... Where did you go to school again? I went to Brown. Brown. Yeah.

Period. There's no... Cunty way to, or no, not Cunty way to say I went to Brown. Why is that a good school? Kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It is, I realized when I started to go there, that it is like the Nepo baby school. Mm-hmm. Like, it is the school for. I think every school just has a bunch of nepo baby because like a bunch of them went to Emerson. Really? Yeah, like Jack Nicholson's kid, Larry David's kid, Bobby Cannavalli's kid

Who's the Italian version of Bobby Kennedy Yeah, yeah, Bobby Canadale A Bobby Kennedale I got a worm in my brain Hey, I got a worm in my brain I guess Bobby Kennedy isn't the one Yeah, well he is Bobby Kennedy Jr. Sure, but they don't call him Bobby, do they?

Oh, I don't think so. TV on. TV on. Did they call him? Bobby Kennedy. Is his name Bobby Kennedy, Jr. Watch this. Ready? Watch this. This is going to be incredible. Hessa has a remote in her hand. Watch this. Watch this. Bobby.

Yeah. So the remote does have a microphone function. I was doing that, well, it wasn't even a character. It was just sort of a concept in head of like the lost a lost Kennedy sister named Nanerl Kennedy a lot of Nanerl Mozart but instead of a like a who's Naneril Mozart she was Mozart's sister whoever

everyone is like she was a she was like the real prodigy or like or she was just like another composer but she wasn't taken seriously because she was a woman but in my head yeah but in my head Nanerill Kennedy would be like a prodigy at getting assassinated like she just keeps getting shot

she has like so many illnesses and like so many bullet wounds but she's still alive yeah who would assassinate mineral kennedy well there there is a hidden there is an occluded kennedy rosemary well i mean but that is a very sad yeah i think it's funny zoomie and just for the people at home um do you want to say what's on the screen do you want to see what's on the screen read that um it's like a summary of something tragic contemplative and brooding in 1968 the lives of a retired dormant hotel manager lounge singer busboy petition and others intersect in the wake of robert

f kennedy's assassination at the ambassador hotel in los angeles the twist they're all the same person and look this is a 47% of robin tomatoes shit wow i just opened up the internet on my tv tv off tv up have you been watching pluribus um no should I yeah it's it's good it's like fine it's Vince Gilligan right

yeah I do love um Vince Gilligan I got I got mad at it because I started watching the beginning of it I started watching the beginning of it and I thought that

one of the guys was Tim Calpacchus the comedian but it wasn't and it really pissed me off I stopped watching this is so crazy they're gonna have they're gonna have to listen to this

I mean they could stop listening whenever they want. Let's see what's on my Plex server. Look at this. Do you like this? Have you ever told the joke on here? Oh, that's a good question. I told it to some friends yesterday

and they were crying laughing. So for everyone at home, I invented the greatest joke of all time. It was a very much a collaborative effort. Okay. But, yes, it was. Yeah. It was.

For the people at home, Masha and I are intertwining our fingers and gripping each other's hands with a plumb. And each other's penises. Yes. Our penises are intertwining like two slugs might when they mate. Yes, yes. And also, like, so this joke is probably the best joke of all time. Yeah. And that's the first part of telling the joke is that you keep talking about how funny it is to someone.

For about 11 minutes, I think we got to. 11 minutes was the record. Or maybe that was the other joke. There were multiple. So this was not this past Halloween, but the Halloween before. Hessa and I were at a Halloween party. I was like on shrooms and I was just sort of following Hessa around while we'd like told we like made up knock-knock jokes for people. Mostly it was Hessa making up knock-knock jokes or I would try to come up with a setup and then Hesso would tell like the longest punchline in the world.

Yeah. But this one specifically, if you want to tell it. Yeah. So this is the joke. It goes like this. What do you call a gay pirate? I don't know. What do you call a gay pirate?

Yeah, you fucking faggotten, livered pieces. You walk the blank. You fucking punchpecker. Nancy boy. A little leiton. You're a little seaman. You're a little seaman, but you like it, don't you? I love a little semen.

And yeah, you'll walk like you. Damn of the length, we're going to kill all you. We're going to kill all your faggit ass, you know. It's usually not that dark. It's always that dark. No, usually it's like loud and like, I, a fucking, fucking, fucking fairy, fancy boy. Because I think the real effective way to do it

is you lean in really close to someone's ear and you basically mumble it into their ear in the punchline. And that is more realistic. Yeah, which makes it. scary, drunken... Yeah, you're the livid piece of shit fucking faggit. Oh, that's fun.

Are there, like, opposites of joke? Is there, like, something, like, an opposite of a joke? I think what we've been doing for the past hour. But, like, something that's, like, I have a serious for you. And you, like, tell something to someone that's, like, really serious and makes them, like, sad. Totally. Do you want to try? Yeah.

Do you have a serious? let me think um the run it the world's running out of helium what do you what do you mean the world's running out of helium how there's a fixed amount of helium in the world and it's running out like it is escaping into the atmosphere i don't know if this is real or not i guess that's not that scary because what's going to happen when we run out of helium well it's used in a lot of uh it's used as sort of turtle safe potion

but isn't that sad no more balloons that would be really sad unless with their hydrogen and then they can explode I also stole that from an episode of smiling friends which is actually I'm realizing

that's the reason I stole it is because there are someone called the frowning friends totally who make people frown which is the premise of Assyrius So I guess they answered the question.

They kind of stole it from us. The answer to this question. That's true. Preemptively. What does it say on your shirt? On my shirt? Minchin? You speak German, right?

Yeah. No, you're lying? No, I do. Well, I've forgotten it mostly. I learned it in college. Is it hard to forget a full of language? No, it's pretty easy. I should say, I didn't, I wasn't like...

You've forgotten. Hessa is swirling around in a wine glass, but it's just water. It's hard to know that you forgot. A beautiful thing is a language. Which doctor is this? What's his name? This is Jeremy Irons. Dr. Irons.

He's made out of the middle. Yeah, he has iron chains on. Yeah. And it's a white actor plane. Yes, of course. Because the implication otherwise. Yeah. Yeah.

There is a lot of white slavery in this play of the Joseph Kronos. Yeah. Joseph Kronos. Also, Joseph Kronos is the name of the drill at the end. It turns out it's not even a person. No, but we already established that there was a person. But no one knows what that person's name is. Totally.

So then they decide to name him after the drill. Right. because he invents time right and then when after he invents time they kind of realize like this play has been going on for so long it's been five six hours we can only see like one square foot yeah of like the image of what's happening for behind the wall and everyone in the audience has a different angle on it so you can come back it gives infinite rewatchability you can come back and see through a different, if you sit somewhere else, you see a different part of the play.

I will say the real play that I am currently in does kind of have that going on, because there's like a thrust that goes through the audience, so there's two sort of like bleacher-style seating things. Oh, proscenium, if you will. Nope. I see. Black box, sort of.

No. Configuration. Not really. One more. one more kind of theater is there another one i don't know well there uh prasenium black box a theater in the round this is like closest to that but it's not really that what if there's a theater in the round what if there's a theater in the has there ever been a theater in the square yes has there ever been a shakespeare in the park we need a really good joke to end it on and i think that fits the bill

Bill. And I think that fits the bill. Does there ever finish Shakespeare in the park? So everyone go see Mosh's play. It's very good. I haven't seen it yet, though. Next week's episode, you're on. They're like, well, I saw the play. Guys, I want to apologize for recommending the play to everyone. Deeply offensive. I was on a different podcast earlier this week.

Which podcast? It's called Pod and Prejudice. It's a Pride and Prejudice podcast with these two very nice, like, very nice Jane Austen fan women who were like... Is it a big podcast? Does it have more subscribers? I have no idea. But I was on it with my sister, and I...

They were sort of like asking very earnest questions about the play, And I just kept sort of, I like, I started, I don't know how we got on to Jeffrey Epstein, but I was like, you've brought up Jeffrey Epstein. Because my surgeon was, like, we started talking about boobs for some reason, and then I was talking about breast augmentation. I had found out, like, third hand that my surgeon was friends with Jeffrey Epstein. And so then I made a joke about, like, and I was getting, I should have known when I was getting surgery. And I looked over and there was a kid on the table, but they didn't laugh. And I was like, okay, found the line. Anyway, you got a boob job?

Yeah. No, well, they're nice. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, these are, there's no way these are going to be. They're huge. Yeah.

For the listeners, you can't see, my boobs go down to the floor. They're crazy. If the listeners, you can't see, they're crazy. Yeah. But anyways, thank you for coming on, much out. Thanks for having me. Yes. Bye.

Bye. but you can play because I'm jailbait. Mm-hmm. Jail-bait, I'm jail-bait. You try to stay away, but you can't obey. Jail-bait, I'm jail-bait. You look, but you can't play because I'm jail-bait. Mm-ch-ch-ch-ch-chah-cha-bait, oh, they call me jailbait.

You try to stay away, but she can't obey. Ch-ch-ch-chid-bate Oh, they call me jailbate But you can't take I'm jailbates Bad things happen with your hands You try to stay your train But I've got no shame

You need to get your 20 I've got you right of light You'll need to take your bed And become a baby nights Too-ch-chid They call me jailbates They call me chill bait They call me chill bait