Seeking Derangements - SD 466 - Kafly's Been Vaporizes

Episode Date: January 14, 2026

Hello Seekers! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I discuss our aspirations to live a healthier, diabetes-free 2026, RFK's new food pyramid, and preforming at the Riyad Comedy Festival. Plus we get another blast from the past, that's right, we end with a Jacques News Segment.

And for To Beis With me for Hasse, do you want to start? Now let's just start. She can do it. All right. I can say welcome to work. You can hit her with a lethal welcome to work deep.

It's your decision though. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Seeking Derangements. This is a free episode. So if you like what you hear, go subscribe to Seeking Durangements on Patreon. Patreon.com slash seeking derangements. Hess will be here shortly.

It's your host, Ben, and your host, Mr. Jock Gonsolin in the room. Where are you? What's it behind you? I'm in Denver. This is a, I got- Of course, you're in Denver. There's like an industrial lamp. I got that for Sam. That's cute.

Is that your taste? It doesn't really look like your taste. It looks too mod. No, I mean, I just, it would go with his apartment. He has kind of like a modular design. He common- He's got, he's got like, you know, he's got this very avant-god. a coffee table, you know, that is part glass, part metal design.

Oh, I've seen, yeah, that's... And then the cow, uh, the, the cow rug, that's very traditional means future. Don't talk about yourself that way, honey. Look, look. Look, first of all, speaking of cows in the apartment, they don't think I have diabetes. I went to the doctor today. I'm getting one more blood test done, but based on the blood work that from before, of the very like last time I was in town and they're like honestly we doubt how long have you been

I feel like it's been years of you may be having pre-diabetes well I got I finally figured it out well no I just got at there were points where I got worse and then there were points where I got better and I was getting better and then I got worse and then I got better so I also think I might be pre-diabetic I'm not pre-diabetic I I think I will probably get diabetes at some point in my life because my dad has diabetes and like every Latino person. Yes. I didn't mean to sound elitist. No. A racist. Literally tea girl. And I like always get lightheaded. My vision like goes white. And I think it's because I'm like not eating enough, but I'm also like when I do eat, then I feel like super full and like a mobile, even if it's a little bit. I,

I know it sounds like I'm like dropping so many hints that I'm like tiny, but yeah, yeah. Literally what it feels like. You're, you're every, every moment that you've spoken, that made me angrier. I know, I'm sorry. Because first of all, if you eat with this motherfucker, he never finishes his damn plate. He's not like a eat a lot of food. We each had like 30 oysters together one time though. Oysters are nothing. That's like filling your stomach with wayfers.

Protein shots as Griff griff called him. I miss Griff griff. I wonder if he's alive. Hello. Welcome to work diva. Damn it. I got hello.

Jack wanted to hit you with a lethal welcome to work diva. Oh my God. Hey. But you beat him to it. Oh, Hessa. Just one more thing. And welcome to work diva.

Period. Let me drop that and you're trying to ass. Oh. Okay. Peer. Hey, I'm sorry. I can say that, though. It's fine. I've done my time in the transgender courts. We were talking about being pre-diabetic. I think Jock and I are probably both pre-diabetic. I always heard that if your vision goes white, it's like if you stand up too quickly,

if your vision goes white, I've always heard it's related to like blood sugar. I don't know if that's true, but that's what happens to me. And my dad has type of. That feels like a WebMD-ass type thing. No, for sure. So it's really like. There were days where my vision kept getting blurry towards the end of the night. and the like nighttime and then I don't know I kept feeling like that's called sundowning yeah oh and then my and then my fingers and I get real angry and confused all the numbers on the clock

my fingers and toes will hurt and my toes will turn red i'm gonna solve the door dolly painting y'all is that normal it's not normal no it's not normal but hese jock has a queen bill of health apparently the doctor thinks I am fine I'm gonna wait for some more blood test to come back but he You disagree. It was real strange. His office is in an alleyway, but he seems to think I'm totally fine. This doctor, y'all, I got to fire this guy. He thinks I'm totally healthy.

Right. I mean, that kind of checks out, you know. I don't think he thinks I'm on. I told him I was going in this new year. I want to be healthier. I want to be better. First of, I was like, what do you know about lowering someone's cortisol? levels because I need that.

Who told you about cortisol? Yeah, that's... What do you mean who told me about cortisol? I know things. I'm not like the caveman ingrate. I mean, fair enough. I'm just wondering here. I mean, it's such a like, the people on... It's very much a meme right now.

Everyone is like, top ten signs, you have cortisol face, which... Yeah. Look, can we be honest? It's kind of like girls on Twitter talk about it all the time. Girls on Twitter, girls on TikTok, girls and it's... It is a girl... Yeah. Look, might be a girl problem.

Might be a Barbie problem, whatever. But let me just ask you a question. Don't I strike you as someone that is surging with cortisol. Yes. You do have cortisol face for the record. I don't know what the face of cortisol. Is it because of a puffy? It can be kind of, yeah, a little puffy.

What the fuck? Why are you calling my face puffy? You asked. I don't ever make fun of your little betty-boop evil curls that point towards the center. I do need a haircut. but it's getting extremely lesbian. And also you do make fun of my hair. Here's an insult that can be misinterpreted as a compliment.

One of the reasons I dislike you, Ben, is because of how symmetrical your face is. It's just unfair that you get to have just like a perfectly uniform face. I actually don't have a symmetrical face at all. It is symmetrical, I guess, except the forehead, which seems to kind of go a little taller than the normal. you're like so fixated to me having like a big forehead recently i literally don't but like my guys my eyes are blurry right now so i don't even know right anyone looking you can't even see you're fucking blind and your sun downing at 3 p.m so back it up honey first of all it's 2 p.m i'm in mountain time and then third of all i can't i can't really just

depends for not so in the afternoon and then third of all um i can't just call you pale anymore It's just simply you've gone up from, you've gone up from oat milk to caramel latte quick enough. He looks like a toaster. He looks like a Pop-Tart after you put it in the toaster. Thank you. Little toasted. Period. I also want to be healthier this year.

I am doing dry January, and I have had no, thank you. I've had no urges to drink. I'm not like, you know, I'm not like someone. who's like, give me a beer. I'm like stressed out. I'm more someone who's like, I need to be with seven women and have 12 beers. You know, it's more like, I'm just, I'm a social thing. It's an experience. But I don't really have any friends in Des Moines. Well, I have lots of friends in Des Moines, but I'm not seeing them because I'm just like crazy with work. And they're like, they're not drinkers. So it's like, even if I do see them, it's kind of just like me getting drunk

around like a single mom's. Yeah, that's not really on the table for me. It has to be like part the plan to be like, we're getting fucked up. Yeah, we're getting absolutely destroyed tonight. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Which one of us is going to yell at the other one.

By the end of the night. Well, are we going to get kicked out? Like, yeah, no, I know. I do miss that. If I was around chaotic,

psychotic women, I would be doing that. Like, one of my main friend groups in New York City is my friend Chloe and my friend Zara. Oh, yeah. We're all Eniogram 8. and biracial.

And there's something going was that spelled trouble or what? Byracial aneagram eights at a bar. What is that the first part of me? The hell isn't We should do an actually let's table the enneagram discussion because we should do a full annaagram episode.

Okay. Moving it along to something else related to new beginnings, being healthy in 2026. RFK did just drop a new food pyramid. I don't know if you guys saw that. Oh, I see. alcohol is on it.

Actually, Ben, so you're out of sync with the new food pyramid. Wait, why? Because he was like, we're going to add alcohol to it. Like, we recommend you. Yes. I saw them justify this in a kind of interesting way. And look, the Trump administration fully notified. I don't want to say anything nice about their food pyramid, but I will say I completely agree with the chicken trusteeva.

Darling, I love a good pyramid. Exactly. I just knew that the feed the feed the feed the feed the feed. I call it the feed pyramid. It's going into my mouth from the bottom of the top. I'll tell you ain't no food pyramid because I'm feeding it myself. Okay. So what's really so wrong with this?

There's nothing wrong with it. I completely agree with the new food pyramid for the record. I don't have any issues with it. The biggest, I mean, the biggest thing is that he, they literally just inverted it. I don't know. you guys taught the food pyramid in elementary school? Yes, but I'm confused. What do you remember about the OG food pyramid, Jock?

I remember that meat was at the very top, and it was like on the list of things that you have sparingly almost. That's what I remember. I remember that there being a donut and an ice cream cone at the very top. I remember, like, the first four levels of it being like grains, oats, cereal. And then at the very top, it's like normal foods that. You should be eating. Yeah.

And I love that. It just says fats, oils, and sweets to use sparingly, which I'm like, those are the three best things. You're not going to tell me to use the three best tastemakers. It's funny to me because this is just how like every gay guy and like misogynist man and anorexic woman, like that, those three circles in the Venn diagram in terms of what they eat, this is in the center. You know, all of them are eating this way.

high protein, high healthy fats, little to no grains. And then like a grapefruit dessert. Yeah, it's Liz Lemon style kind of. I feel like Liz Lemon eats so much junk food. She loves fucking sandwiches. Yeah, she's a sandwich hog. She eats all the hot dogs one day because no one else wants to eat them when she hands them out. Wait, we should make a sandwich with everything on the food pyramid.

And then eat it. Okay. Period. Jock. I'm sure this is kind of already like low key the style of sandwich you make. I was going to say, but also I was going to say it might be easier if only I make the sandwich and only I eat it. Mm-hmm. I just feel like y'all won't appreciate it. Girl, I'm not eating that. No.

Yeah. Also, the design for this is so faggy. The like Helvetica font, the like kind of retro. Like colored pencil ass. It's super, super, super faggy. It has my endorsement. The illustrations look like they're from the New York Times. I don't like that kind of like hyper new clip art style.

No, exactly, exactly. They definitely got a gay guy to design this. I see it and I think, what are they trying to pull on me? What fast one are they trying to slip in there? I don't like that there's a shrimp. There's like medicine, Juck's medicine is in there. Right, right. Like a pill.

Right. Like wrapping an anti- thysomine and a block of cheddar for your Frenchie. Yeah. The alcohol thing was funny because they were like, yes, alcohol is on the food pyramid now. And we're only doing that because people need to like hang out more and like have more sex and alcohol is a social lubricant. But you should also exercise caution while consuming it, which again, I completely agree with. I think people do need to start getting drunk again.

but also at the same time it's like millennials are the heaviest drinking generation to ever grace the face of the earth so I'm kind of like maybe the alcohol, the social good of alcohol consumption is targeting Gen Z and

the elderly. Yeah, honestly I'm like with Gen Z it's like they need something else. Like I don't think getting drunk is going to help with what they've got going on. What do you think they, what would you

prescribe them. Honestly, I would say maybe an antihistamine shoved into a block of cheddar. Right. Like a French bulldog. I'll make a prescription for him. Chabata bread,

provolone cheese, brie cheese, and ham and fig jelly and avocado and mustard seed.

And the double cheese. Double cheese and avocado. you completely lost me. I'm just trying to make it food, new pyramid, healthy. Well, they, Gen Z would need, like, they need some kind of stunt element,

like, you know, Dubai chocolate. They need some... Dubai chocolate tastes sucks. I've actually never had it, personally. Yeah, neither have I. I would, like, want to kill myself if I ever had it, because I'm like... It's just like a $12 bar of chocolate.

No, literally. And it's also, like, the complete... decimation to pistachio like cultivation right now. I don't, I'm just going to be honest. I don't know at what point they may have entered the Dubai chocolate, but you know that shit is full of heavy metals. Oh yeah. You got mercury. Like it's like eating a sailfish. And I do love pistachio desserts. And when I was like living in Dearborn when I was working for Bernie, like so like delicious little like Middle Eastern like pastries with like canoffa and like. Oh my gosh. God, yeah.

Whatever the fuck it is. Delicious. Love. Did you buy chocolate complete and total sham? Let me tell you, big chocolate is pulling one of their legendary scams yet again, where they use the cheapest chocolate they can with other sort of expensive ingredients to make you think it's a luxury chocolate dessert, when in fact, it's just freaking nuts and deep-fried bullshit.

And honestly, look, I'm a fat connoisseur. I love eating fat. things. I get a brownie Sunday any chance I can because it's delicious. It's not just ice cream in a fucking brownie. It's warm brownie. Walk talking to his doctor. It's cream and it's got a lot of pecans and I don't like the cherry. So I ask what that yours. That's besides the point. The point being is I forgot it. I don't know what point I'm making. Let's continue on with the podcast. You honestly, you should have a food like column in a newspaper, Jacques called the fat connoisseur. I completely

Well, this is the thing. It's just, again, back just real quickly. The Dubai chocolate, obviously a scam created by big chocolate to get rid of their lower quality milk chocolate, you know, excess, because no one wants to buy milk chocolate anymore.

Milk chocolate has been out for several years. It's all about dark chocolate. It's all about semi-sweet chocolate. We're talking in dark chocolate mixed with orange peels. That's the kind of chocolate that need to bring back. Not this godless Dubai chocolate. Why would we want to go to the land of money and slaves to make the sinner? Would you perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival for like $3 million?

Be honest. Wait, is that the one in Dubai? Sure. Or it's in Riyadh, I believe. No, Riyadh is a city. You were aware of all the comedians who were paid all very handsomely by Saudi government who of course lots of people accuse him of having certain human rights violations killing journalists, you know. Let me ask you a question. They're trying to liberalize the country. The big part

of that is having American comedians come in and kind of credentialize their Western bona fides. So say you got tapped. Jock Gonsolin, we want you to come perform at our yeah, maybe slave owning,

slave killing. XYZ nation. Well, they're going to say it like that, or are they going to say, well, you know that, you know that, okay? Yeah, they're going to put it nicer. Right. $3 million. Are you doing it or not?

Well, first of all, does the venue have enslaved people working there? Yeah. And janitors and food concessions and stuff like that. And Hessey are positive of this? Yeah, and they are dressed

like ghosts with chains like really okay okay um okay I feel like obviously there's a huge moral dilemma here because I don't want to I don't want to support slavery um however I just don't know what other time I'm going to be offered three million dollars so so

how long does my set have to be no okay look two hours two hours long I don't need I don't I'm kind of really having a whole hard time imagining a two-hour comedy set that's just 30 minutes 30 minutes that's not that's not the issue the issue is my content it would be you forgetting what you're saying 9000 times no no just two hours of unedited jacques comedy would be so salacious i just don't think that it would meet try it out try it out give give your opening opening uh let's hear it outie everybody i'm no i'm I'm no...

Let me start again. You forgot how to introduce yourself. No, I... Howdy, everybody. I'm no strange to the stage. I have done a little bit of comedy before. I was once tapped by a comedian to come open up. Are you about to name drop Brandon Wardell in Riyadh?

No, you idiot little bitch. It's the Riyadhomedy comedy festival name dropping. No. I was once... I'll love to Brandon. I was one... Yeah, I love Brandon. I'm not, I don't have to say I love the next person.

One time I was tapped by a, uh, what does that mean? I was tapped by a comedian named Abby Gondivan, who told me to drive all the way from Lafayette, Louisiana, all the way to New Orleans, rush and put together a set. And on the way there, I had to call different comedians and get them there, as well as prepare my own set, which was salacious and dirty. Upon arriving to the venue, she told me that she's trying to rebrand her image. And she doesn't want anything salacious or dirty or something that's not. this is the time you ended up doing a family friendly friendly comedy show jocke in a wig

I was asked three months ahead of time to get here I was asked three months ahead of time to do this and then she didn't and then she asked me to hire other people for it was just a fucking mess well that's what happens when you give your phone number out for for public consumption and say I'll do anything you all go to a funeral you know she saw me perform at brandon said and asked me to do it anyway I did. So even before I entered the venue, she go ahead and tells the local comedian that she thinks I'm, I'm going to do a bad job. Well, no, before I even the show starts, she's told the other local comedian, she thinks I'm going to do a bad job. And she wishes that I didn't wish I didn't. The jobs are being thrown on stage. Oh, and she said that I probably have never performed for an Indian audience, so wouldn't know what is appropriate and what is it, which is the biggest little bullshit.

June? What was, sorry, back up. Pause. Pause, please for a second. What was the last Indian audience you performed for? Okay, where was this? In New Orleans. But like where? Like, what was the occasion? It was a comedy event. It was a comedy night. Jack, what Indian audience did you perform for, please? That one, but. So she was correct. Yeah, but I don't, I think it's like really, really, she Indian? Well, she's Indian, but I don't think that the whole crowd was in any way all. Indian. So it was like stupid to be like, oh, you're going to, you know, it's starting to make sense. Anyway, so I got up on there and I delivered the set and I was like, you know, hi, everyone, my name's Jacques. I am a comedy. I'm a comedy type. I was told before the set to perform something family friendly, something that wouldn't hurt my parents' ears since, you know, Abby's parents are going to be here tonight. So I decided to prepare the exact opposite of that. So let's begin

with the fateful night. 9-11. That's a heckler. Okay, but, so you're... Oh, anyway, I'm so, God. Okay, anyways. The fateful night. At one fateful night, I had to make enough money to afford my rent.

And in order to make such money, I decided to take someone's offer for them to shit upon my chest. However, it was enough money to make rent plus. They would like that joke in Dubai. It seems like a lot of that is half. I don't know. I delivered it much better than this. And the room laughed and everyone laughed. I could see Abby's face getting all sour.

Wait, so you were at the Riyadh Comedy Festival? She would definitely perform there. Who's Indian here, y'all? I got a story about some indie. Honestly, for $3 million, I do one thousand percent. You would do it. Then would you? I would find a very,

cheek a workaround to make the money while maintaining some overwhelmingly positive public reactions and while doing good. I would donate the money. I would do it and I would donate the money. No. I would somehow obtain the money without being involved. No, no, no. Sorry, no, for the record.

I would go and perform. They would pay me and then I would donate the $3 million somewhere. So you're two best. Maybe keep a little, maybe keep 100,000s for me. Bitch, you're not getting it. Come on. Come on. You're, you're going to give three millions of dollars to some people in need. And when you see two special needs people in need every day. I don't, I wouldn't speak for Hesse, but you would not. No, I would not give it to the Jock Consulin Fund for a better life.

If you, can you, let me put it this way. You, by the way, Jacques, you just said that your doctor told you that you're totally fine. Right. Well, yeah. Okay. You are a total hypochondriac. Yeah. I never denied being a hypercontract.

We're on the same page. Continue. You are awarded $100 million by the government for being a good podcaster. Would you give me at least $1 million each? Oh, I mean, if they're just giving me, sorry, the government is awarding you for being a good podcast. I would split it equally with you guys because I wouldn't be a good podcast. podcaster without the both of you. So yes.

Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm buying you out the sauna, bitch. No. Ben quit seeking derangements to own a chain of gay sonnas that started off. The last person to do that. Ben's like, well, I, it'd be a very special type of shower, if you know what I'm saying. I was in Iowa.

Me and my brother needed a sauna. And so I decided to start buying a bunch of sonnas. and all of a sudden I had a chain of sauna stores across the U.S. More and more, sonnas for all. It would be, I mean, not to be Maros here, but it would be so easy to do the Holocaust to gay guys. With the sauna angle.

With the sauna angle, it's just like, you don't even need a lie. You just tell them there's saunas there. No, like even, I mean, that was my thought when I went, like, when we went and got the monkey pogs vaccine, then I was looking around them like, they could just like, they could just like.

They went together. wipe us out. They could wipe us out right now. It's actually really, because they're using like the one thing that gay guys, gay guys and, you know, the LGBT. Being vain. Well, being vain, but also like gay men and, you know, trans women, but monkeypox is mostly gay men, so I'm not trying to put that on you all. Yeah, yeah. But gay men really did like stop, quote unquote, stop the spread of monkeypox because we all got that, even just like, we all got scared. even ones of us who weren't having sex at the time got the monkey box vaccine and that's it really did help but yeah that could absolutely use just like a weapon against us I only got half of that

damn vaccine it didn't work it well saying it didn't work because it didn't work look at me well no it didn't work did you get monkey box no I just meant something was we're off about it it it made me faint when I immediately when I got it talked about this oh yeah I remember that yeah when you crushed a bartender on roller skates to wrap up on the food pyramid. Jock, any big changes you would make to this? I think it's actually like low-key perfect. Um, I just visually do not like the shrimp. I see a shrimp. Okay, so the shrimp's out because it's not fried. No, I just visually it just disgust to me. It's kind of giving cat food shrimp. Okay. Yeah. So if I saw a

maybe because there's there there's what looks like a tin of cat food right next to it. It might be kind of visually priming yourself. Here's another, uh, thing. I think the chicken should either be raw or shouldn't be on there. It's really confusing to have cooked food mixed with the raw food on the illustration. It's just... Actually, you make a good point. There is a raw steak and then a full rotissory chicken. And is the shrimp cooked? Yeah. And is the, is the salmon cooked? The shrimp looks poached and the salmon does look raw. Also, are correct. Very confusing for people. It's very confusing why a man who's experienced brainworms before would put salmon on the on the new food pyramid so that we all get parasites i don't i am almost at the point

where i just will not eat salmon anymore after oh because you're one of those people on ticot who like you see like a completely fake video of like parasites crawling out of salmon no no no no no no i've seen the Costco salmon in person having the worms and i was probably it does it does happen or i've seen just regular salmon from any grocery store have the worms before. Do you wash your chicken? Do you wash your chicken, do you ask you another question? Do I cook my own chicken? No, I buy rotisserie chickens. Next question.

Right. Okay. But do you wash your cooked rotisserie chickens? Do you put them in the sink? No, but what I do, that's some white people shit. What I do, I'll say this, what I've been doing for a lot of meals lately, but especially rotissory chicken, is I just get the whole processor chicken, open in the out of the container, and then I put a latex gloves on so that I can eat the chicken.

And then also I've just been eating a lot of food like this. Well, I got home a few nights ago, and we had about 30 full set of silverware. And now there's only three forks at our house and maybe three spoons. I have a question about the fork thing. Again, not to pin anything on your community, the transgender female community. but I was recently at a trans woman's house. They will not mention the name. Okay. No silverware at all. Actually, one fork.

Okay. Well, this seems like a her problem. I have a ton of silverware. For Hessa, I need a fork check. Okay, Deepa. I need a fork check. I was just like, what the fuck? How are you living like this?

This is so weird to me. But, you know, who knows? maybe hard times i mean did she have like other did she have like cooking equipment like stuff to one cast iron oh here okay that's kind of i'm just like what the diva and this is not this is like a competent yeah anyways i didn't get it but um i mean health tips jock for 2026 health tip for 2026, more salt. Water and salt combination

makes electrolytes and you will become less thirsty, more fulfilled. And also more cucumbers because they're like 80% water. Cucumbers are not great for you. More water melon because

it's lower sugar than most fruits but still sweet enough to satisfy your craving. Don't drink the holiday cream, Coca-Cola. If you can help it, because it's 46 grams of sugar instead of 38, like a normal. That is so insane. I mean, they did also, they did also the new health guidelines, which actually, like, impact

like what they think, schools, military food stamps. I mean, of course, welfare is just getting completely gutted by this administration. I feel like they'll probably just take school lunches away, but I guess the military will be eating well. What are they going to be eating? Lobsters, steaks again? I hate when they eat lobsters. This food pyramid lays out guidelines for what you feed people

when people are fed by the government. If your friends are in the military and the U.S. military... Well, they should kill themselves. Yeah, that's first. But then also, if they are in the military, and you ask them and they tell you that they are, having a meal of steak and lobster. That means we're about to deploy or do some kind of crazy.

You're so funny. This is, this is. That's actually like really a beautiful insight into how your mind works. Well, this is, how so this is a. That was an accident. It wasn't me. It doesn't matter if it's an accident. Oh my God.

Whatever. You're a fucking monster. This is something that's like on TikTok. It's what you could call like an uncle. conspiracy. People, there's two sides to this. They're like, oh, every time before we invade a country, the Pentagon gets a bunch of pizza order because they're too, like, I don't know, busy to cook or they're celebrating or something. Same thing with steak and lobster. People, infantry troops are like, oh, we got the steak and lobster, we're deploying.

And it's like, no, no, I'm sorry. There are like so many better metrics with which to gauge this. It is a very funny way that people think that they like get a peek into, you know, the government's machine. Yeah, they have like advanced notice by like monitoring steak and lobster stores. I know. It's like it's literally the fattest conspiracy of all time because you're just like, okay. There's three times as many domino's delivery drivers out on the streets right now in D.C. It's like, yeah, bitch. They're coming to your house.

What if I served, what if I served, if I was your general? What if you said? What if I served? First of all, scary question right there. What if I served? You serve every day. You're our general. I served blood today.

Look, I gave it up to them damn people. Period. Yeah, they really took like, like, like, they actually took too much blood from me. I'm actually really sick now. No, they did. I was dizzy and lightheaded. Did they give you a cookie? No, no.

You pretending to be dizzy so you get the cookie. Y'all, I'm really, I'm not kidding. I think I'm going to eat the apple juice, the cookie, and then maybe like a steak and a lobster. No, but look, okay, so I'm the general, and y'all are under my battalion as soldiers. And there's been a lot of talk of some stressful military campaigns possibly happening. And I decide.

What kind of campaigns, General? Where are we going? Yeah. What are the rumors? Wherever the damn oil spilled. Okay. The oil spill, okay. Okay.

Mexico, maybe. Golf of Mexicano, right there. Okay, so the night before I serve gumbo-dobash cake, bulk crawfish and... Dumbo-Gobash cake. Gumbo do bosh cake. I'll translate for the general here. cake and boiled crop fish and boiled shrimp and bloody steaks and um shoestring french fries and smoothie bowls and what would you think is happening the next day what was your natural thought

i'm like i actually talked to the general earlier i guess we're being deployed to the gulf of mexico uh like i don't know why you did fully tell us what we were that wasn't obviously i'm not best at generaling. I have not that much experience. I think it could be a good general, though. I think I'd be good. I mean, they're like Pete Hankseth was fat shaming all of the old generals. He was also fat, fat, yes, and fat shaming the infantry troops. And it is very funny to me, because like they are fat as fuck. And even like looking at all these ice videos, I mean, we don't need to get into Minneapolis. Of course, it's like completely not satisfied. And I don't know what that words means, but it's devastating.

That's fine. Yeah, it's bad. And the funniest thing, the only funny thing coming out of it, is they've been seeing all of these, like, Flipping. Yes, girl, they cannot. It's so funny because they, not only are they moving like toddlers on the ice, they also have the proportions of toddlers, you know? Yeah. Just like fat, big babies, and they cannot manage to walk on ice. It is so. It's like their K-song is the ice on the streets. Yes, yes. And yeah, I hope They die. I hope they fall a little bit harder next time. You know what I'm saying?

All of them. I saw one where a guy slips on the ice and as he's slipping, like he shoots his gun on accident, like into the ground. Yes. That's such a crazy video. Yes. And I'm like, okay, was he, was that an accident or was he just like literally mad at the ground in the ice? Yeah.

He's like starting to shoot at it. Literally he's like, no, that was a quick reaction. Who was on the ice? That was a quick reaction time, soldier. Who was on that damn ice? Ice, the Border Patrol. Immigration and customs enforcement to Diva. I was confused with you meant. Sorry.

No, it's okay. The ice and the ice of it all I understand. It's winter time, so I've got ice on the mind. You got that right, too. Well, the ice is melting actually today in Denver, but. I need to get to a beach stat. otherwise I'm going to put a fucking gun in my mouth. Have I told you guys my idea for my,

for Law & Order SVU on Ice? Oh my God. Love that. I love the idea already, but I'm also, just keep going. Jock is mad. That was the one time exactly. Exactly.

You're literally mad that I also had the dumbest idea of all the God. The money is there. I mean, no, it's actually a cheap. We have to do a rape kit. skating because of the other Yes Yes Oh my God

The rape kit would be an actual person Like on the ice Like it would be like The rape kit would be an Like Yeah It's skating around

A bunch of like Different elements of it The hit song From the musical Of the ice production Is I am the victim I am the victim I'm the victim

Of a sexual crime Period God, I should call Miranda again. I have been rewatching some Law & Order SVU. And one thing I can never get past it. It always cracks me the fuck up is when Olivia Benson goes undercover as a prostitute. And I'm just like, girl, you look like a vice principal. She's like, but this is illegal.

Like she's like, I'm bringing that up. No, like her fucking like cop, Bob. and then they like put her in like you know like a push up law I'm just like there's no way getting around that face I'm sorry like an administrative

face it's just so well it's almost like taboo to consider her sexy because it's like so established she's sexy she is sexy she is beautiful and sexy but because you're watching

you've been watching law and order season one through 27 after so many years this woman is like the poster child of like you know like defeating sexual nemesi of course you're not going to approach her whoa do you know what i'm saying like there's not really okay but there's something intimidating about wanting to be romantic with officer olivia benson based on the fact that she's such a tough by the book you think she would arrest you after five minutes in the bedroom with you?

Like, you would be putting me in the comb, I don't think, I don't think she would arrest me. I'm just saying, if you knew her as that, like I do, this,

this big bald, tough walled. I just mean she's got some balls. Are you thinking of Elliot Stabler? No, she's got the balls because she's tough. Oh, big bald.

Big bald. Balls. I called her bald. Balls. Foles. He's got. Big Balls. Right.

Cajones, I understand. Cajonis. Big Balls. Big Balled Olivia Benson. I'm just saying she has a certain intimidating bravado that doesn't really translate. I actually think that that is dripping with sexual tension. Okay, let me put it this way. ...demeanor and especially when you put her in Stabler next to each other.

It's like that show was building. on their will they won't they you know well they kiss they kiss before Elliot Stabler's wife Kathy is vaporized by a bomb exquisite Kathy

she's vaporized but wait does that happen in the show before Kathleen gets vapor well she gets exploded she doesn't actually get vaporized because she's in the hospital for a second

so she does Elliot Catholic Cali has been vaporized She was a victim of an explosion. Elliot, your wife has been a vaporized. Ashley is so fun.

I hope you never have to break the news to someone that their dear partner has died. You had once mess up their name in the most fucked up weirdest way imaginable and then to overstate what killed them. Oh my God. I'm sorry, but your friend, Hes, has, Jugg, Claire Peney, has, he's been pixelated, y'all. Y'all, y'all, Hespa's been pixelated again. Right. You ever hear of a nuclear shadow?

Hey, everybody, I'm so sorry. I've got some news about your wife. John, can you, can you break the news to me that, um, my husband- That you die. That, well. Yes, yes, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Yeah. Break the news to me that I am dead. Ben, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've been dead for four years now. You died in that bus accident. Don't you remember? I stayed in the hospital until you died. You're like sore. You're like, so cute.

Oh my God. You're dead. You've been dead for four years. been dead for a year. Don't you remember the bus accident, Ben? You saved me. Girl, I would totally die in a bus accident. That is actually so many.

I know, because you always be on that damn bus. Actually, no, I feel like I would. How would I die? Oh, I can tell you exactly how Benjamin Moore dies at 57 years old. 57? Alone eating Domino's pizza. He was dipping his Domino's pizza in the Papa John's butter. You're literally just hungry right now.

Guess what, guess what? Guess what? For once in my goddamn life, I'm not hungry. And honestly, I have not been so hungry. You're dying of a heart attack at 50, at 42. So, girl, a girl. You got 10 years left. My prediction, Jack, looks to be 112 years old.

I mean, it's one or the other. It's one of the other for sure. If you make it out of your 40s without a major cardiac, a cardiac or cardiac it's cardiac it's cardiac it's cardiac i should not tell you how to pronounce something period you're right that's a lapse in your intelligence it's concerning without a major heart attack i think you are golden to make it to about a hundred and two for sure a hundred and two only what i've been drinking beings every day for years People drinking are beings.

Like beings. I drink almost. I'm in sullen souls out of people. I'm eating soil and green every day. Well, last time I did the numbers, I mean, we're, we're, we're sitting there are 12, uh, 12 months in a year. And who's charging the number on how many months are in a year?

No, no, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. On average. as if this had to be some kind of team effort to be like, last call, we were figuring out how many months are at a year. Y'all remember that? No, no, I was just trying to give y'all numbers

because this is the food health special episode. I drink about 468 bings a year. Right, okay, so the heart attack of 42. I think I'd probably die. I'd probably die in a car accident that seems probably likely. Oh, excuse me, 5007. Or airplane crash. Oh, no.

I would love to go out in an airplane crash. I think I'll probably be shot in the head by a Serbian freedom fighter, honestly. Oh, okay. You would love to be, you would love to die in an airplane crash. If I have to die? Yeah. Like, if I can choose which way I'd go out, yes, because you want to know why? Only icons die in plane crashes.

Think of a loser who died in a plane crash. You can't. Buddy Holly. Well, he's an icon. He's a nerd. He's got glasses. Regardless, he died. You know him.

Okay, he's famous. Yeah, period. Only famous people die in... He actually, also, he took off his glasses before it happened, and he said, I've seen enough. His last words right before the plane at the ground, he was the first guy to say that. Hessa, I think you... Hmm. How does Hessa die?

I mean, dream death is being shot in the head by someone. Okay, okay. Can I... Really? Yeah. Like, you're gone instantly. Like, I feel like you wouldn't even have time to notice. Right, right, right.

Hessa is the ripe age of 69, and she is on a vacation with her younger lover in Costa Rica. And to look more Costa Rican, she is getting a corner rose. And while she's getting the very last. Not really a coastal open thing. Stop. Stop. Let me just finish my story. She's getting her last row of corn rows in the hairstylist pulls too tightly on the side of her head.

It's got in. off, triggers and aneurysm. And the last two words, she says, are, sake, drive, and then, you know, she can't really sleep anymore. Interesting. I could see that happening, for sure. That would be cool. Are you all worried?

I'll haunt you? No. I'm just asking. No. No. I don't think you would haunt me. Okay. What if it's like a peaceful, not like angry haunting, but more of just like a,

hey, I want to scare you. It'd be pretty easy to get away from you, anything. I could get some lead time on the smell, you know? I'd be like, oh, he's coming. Oh, Lord, he's coming. If I die too suddenly, can y'all do an episode where y'all get a ghost contacter, a ghost whisperer on the podcast and get the equipment and go to the place and try to ask me the last questions?

Yeah, of course. What are the last questions? What questions would you like us to ask you? This is some fucked up Cajun ritual. So last questions. All the secrets that you needed to know from my life that you didn't? I don't want to know. Fucking, God damn it. I forgot to click Audacity. Well, that's amazing. That's so amazing. Oh, you're sorry.

I just. Hasid didn't. Hasid, do you have a local drag? I actually also forgot. Honestly. Period. Divas. Well, Jock, if you're a ghost, I would love for you to just kind of hover around us and make sure we're recording. I don't think something tells me you wouldn't really be doing that as a ghost.

Yeah. Before we wrap up here, I want to throw it to you, Jock, because I think I hear some breaking news coming across the wires. Well, okay, it's time for me to bring the news back to the new age. What's this character's name again? Do you remember?

Sasparilla Johansenberg. Yep. The name, I'm running from the police. So whatever previous identity I gave you, It's not true. I'm still the same newscaster that you've grown to love. With many criminal charges pending, I will not be using my real name. All right.

The iconic laugh. The secrets of J.D. Vance's home attacker, suspect is transgender daughter of wealthy surgeon Democrat donor as ultra-privileged life is revealed. Right off the bat. It's not funny at all. While this hammer-wielding suspect might be accused of smashing four windows at President Vice Janssen's house. President Vice-Gensen. I'll let this transgender get right off.

She's innocent in my eyes. Don't you tell that transgender how to be Mr. J.D. Vans? That's the kind of news report that got you, the made you a fugitive dolly. Hey, Mr. J.D. Vance, why don't you go sour someone else's day? Okay. Okay. Amy Schumer, 44. Blanche Revenge Body in sizzling bikini snaps after shedding 50 pounds amid Chris Fisher divorce. Well, the lady still looks puffy as ever to me.

She'll never be a beautiful broad in my eyes. Well, she'll always have that big old head on her shoulders. And also like, Amy Schumer, born to be chubby, okay? Yeah. The proportions aren't working. She shouldn't have fought reality. you should have stuck with what God gave you, which is Zionism. And fat.

And a bunch of fat. There we go. Hey, darling, Amy, we loved you and train wreck. We hated you in every other part of your life. But everything else, you're a train wreck. Hey, Amy Schumer, you're a train wreck. Her, like, skinny era now is so funny because she's just like, why does everyone want me to be a fat loser?

And I'm like, because you were telling us you were a fat loser for 10 years. That was your whole thing. You're mad that people are like, okay, you've switched up. Not that I'm mad at her for that. She's, you know, just saying, like, you can't define yourself as is one thing for your entire career and then be like, why are people confused that I'm now like a bobblehead? Well, also, she's like somehow, like her publicist, like, I bought another daily mail articles. I'm talking about how you're skinny now.

Right, right. Because I think last time there were also two Amy Schumer, like, stories. of like, right. Um, last time I listened to the news. This is bro. Honey,

this isn't the transgender talk show. This is Jacques News. Why don't you put a yap in it and get back to the coal mines or the kitchen? Fury. Bielmar. Bill Marr, Mocks, pompous gold globe stars. Tribute to ice shooting victim,

Renee Good. I. E. put a pin on it, he says. That's stupid. Bill Maher's an idiot. He won't ever be anything of importance. When he dies,

no one will be at his funeral. and no one will care. That's this news reporters. Take a lot of the week. I actually haven't even looked into what Bill Maher's reaction to this has been because... It's wrong. Well, yes, of course. Augustus, Sassar Berilla, thank you. Yes, it is wrong. I forgot your name. Yeah, no, it's totally. Of course, it's wrong. But I'm like, how is he even... Is he just like, oh, this was the loony left trying to kill Ice agents and she should have not?

I don't. He's like... Too many people have let him talk for too long, and this is the dangers of free speech. I completely agree with him. And I hate to be anything against free speech, but he's the person who would ruin it for us. Right. And I'm also like the one thing that is like completely... Hasn't he spoke freely enough for long enough? And you know what?

Jesus spoke freely and you know what happened to him? Yep. Nailed to a telephone pole. Right. Exactly. One thing that is completely lost, like all of the people on the right... on the right wing a lot and i'm sure bill mar is also making these parallels as well where he's just like oh well what did you guys do when charlie kirk was assassinated he's like everyone was celebrating

and yeah people were celebrating i don't care but i'm also like especially someone for bill mar who's like kind of a libertarian like he definitely used to be like super libertarian this is a like state sanctioned execution of citizen it's like this is so much different than some you know, in Cell Freak shooting Charlie Kirk in the head. If that's, maybe Charlie Kirk was state function

as far as I know. I don't know. But like this is so, it's so crazy to make that comparison. I, I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but I, honestly,

I wouldn't be surprised if someone there was like, you know, I'd like to dedicate this golden globe to, you know, to the, I forgot her name,

but, Renee Good. Yeah. Renee Good. Which, um, is, I don't know, like, it really depends on, like, what they said. I mean, I guess it's better than saying...

It's completely kind of irrelevant to me. And I think the, like, the virtue signaling argument is getting accurate. Well, yeah, because he's also doing it. No, I don't think it is. He's doing the same exact hearing at all. Sorry, that's what I thought that's what you were about. I'm just guessing what you were about to say. Right.

Okay. I know you are really disgusted by virtue signaling. I'm not disgusted by virtue signal. I actually watched Mark Ruffalo talking about this at the Golden Globes. And I feel like mostly when celebrity, I just saw, I just saw beforehand unrelated to looking up news stuff just in the Instagram about him. Yeah, and it just, I just, no one, this isn't like leading people. I don't think this is like pushing people away.

There's no solution. These kind of statements are just always inevitable now. And I don't think it's like, I just genuinely don't think it's worth any kind of analysis. Yeah, I mean, the other kind of like, the other thing is what Bill Maher's doing, where he's, like, doing the exact same thing. It's the same, it's the same trap everyone is in. And, yeah, guess what, it's all ineffective. Yeah, there's nothing anyone can do to do anything. We've got, we've got five minutes, and I've got a few more articles.

So let me just... Extra, extra, read all about it. Tucker Carlson is pushing a dangerous global homo conspiracy. So I'm revealing his dark secret, says Jim. William Michaels. I have spent the last several years putting my career on the line to say something simple and deeply impopular. The American left has lost its collective mind. Liberalism was hijacked by a woke identity-obsessed ideology that stopped judging people by its character. Well, sorry, sweetie, but I'm judging you for being a woman. And I don't know if you're qualified to talk about this. Next topic. Okay, wait. I was confused. I'm very confused about that one. I can't.

No, I can't parse that. I cannot parse that. Um, um, um, um, it,

it's something. Just get to the next one. Next one. Don't you, no one understands that. Including you, Augustus. Get to you the next one.

Actually, Sassferla Johannesburg. Is Amanda Sefreyed at risk of being canceled? Outspoken actress robbed of Golden Globes win after she sparked, boycott of her films with controversial comments. Well, honey, if they don't like what you're saying,

why don't you close that gap and get back to the kitchen? Next article. Okay. Period. Look, honey, we had a way of dealing with women back in the day. We either put them in the sanitarium

or we put them in an apron and said, get to work on dinner. Got her. Melissa's thin new look. Fans demand to know if What the fuck is Melissa? Fans demand to know if Melissa McCarthy 55

is on Ozimpic. As she looks, thin at the Golden Globes after losing almost 100 pounds. Well, I think it's none of your business how beautiful Melissa McCarthy decides to look, dress, and act. Why don't you focus on your own life, you chums? Fat pig, there we go. Did you last we talked to you?

We would think of like anyone was that book. No. Okay. The answer is no. All right. I don't have an impulse control problem. I have a news reporting problem. So if you let me get back to my news.

Breaking news. I do not have an impulse control problem. Breaking news, Hessa is still the same cunt that entered the chat previously. Still rude and still... Still rude. Okay, continue. Let's do with a story. Humanity receives a mysterious 10-second signal from unknown source and deep space.

A 10-second signal from one of the most distant points in the universe has been detected by humanity and none other than scientists are trying to... understand its origins. Not other than science. None other than science. Two. Earth's satellites have confirmed that the mysterious signal come, game, come, came, game from a point 13 billion light years away from Earth, likely coming from an exploding supernova when the universe was only 730 million years old.

Wow, sounds older than my ex-girlfriend. Ah, wing, da, woo, H.J. ming, ming, man. Whoa. I can talk a little bit there. I can't wait until we find it. out that World War III started through a jock news telegram. I'll tell you one something.

Like actually real and no one believes them. Let me tell you one thing. I don't want to hear any mysterious signals from space because I am scared of aliens. Let's do one more. I'll tell you how many more I'll do. Get those long grades off my head. FDA issues urgent recall of

energy supplement after testing revealed it contains illegal drugs. Luckily, it was not being energy drink. We are all safe. It's definitely something that's on your desk right now, though, Shogues for sure. Influencer dies at 19. Well, that's being young.

That sucks. Guess she's not getting a second chance. Short and sweet for that one. I guess she's not getting a second chance. No name. The Simpsons announces forever retirement of longtime character after almost 30 years on the show. Sadly, Duffman has been announced to be removed. move from the series after 37 episodes.

I don't know if this is true, but I have heard on the street the accent at... Duffman will be missed. I'm on my final articles, so you shut your mouth. Don't you yawn on me, Buster. This isn't your normal noise report. S&L

savages. Trump after releasing the Epstein files in cold open. But Maga might have the last laugh. I doubt it, but we'll see. Neither of them are making either of us laugh, nor SNL, nor our government. And finally, today, Rex African proposal fails.

Reba McIntyre's fiancee Rex Lynn on how his African safari proposal failed. The seven-year-old country crooner began dating her 69-year-old Sheldon Kostar during the height of COVID-19. I'm so confused. I am so confused. I have no idea. Like the Voidcomf test? Like, no, literally.

Literally. Kim Kardashian ignores Peter backlash with her kids and their... Peter backlash? Peter. Peter? A guy named Peter Backlash. Well, the Kardashians will never learn. Ignores Peter backlash.

Of course those Kardashians don't want so of the Mangey Dog. They want one that's been bred to excellence. Peter Backlac. Well, I guess the mother of four And we'll face the hot seat once again For being a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb bitch Right. Well, everyone, thank you so much for listening today.

You've got your vegetables for the week. You don't need to pay attention. And you definitely just had your servant of fruits. Oh, that's true. Amen. And by the way, my booking email is Yay, very fun at gmail.com. And I will need you to book me some shows.

for this month and for the upcoming year because I am Lebroke and I need you to make me a lavich thank you all right everyone and go subscribe to our Patreon for more content like this we do weekly bonus episodes just like this one so and my final colloading collection premieres january 16 final right wow fine he's dying yeah i love it bye everyone