Seeking Derangements - SD 47 - Guantanamo Gay

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

They're sending all of you guys over to the federal conversion camps to turn you normal intro/// Spirit - I Want to Go (1977?) outro/// Susana Estrada - Gozame Ya (1982) Weekly episodes over at https://www.patreon.com/seekingderangements

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I'm recording. recording. . Well, we're starting the episode. All right. I had to walk across the room to get my glasses. Max sounds like one of those old people who's like, get off my lawn, you Republicans. Well, they would say Democrats. Yeah, I don't think that's what old people say. Stupid queers.

Close, though. There was this news article where... We're going right into the news corner. Going right in. Some guy got charged like 15 years or something, or 20 years because he threatened to kill any Democrat

that went on his yard. You know what? Big respect. I mean, yeah. Where did this happen, Jock? I'm trying to... Where did you see this? Daily Mail. Chicago man, 45, have it where did this where did this happen jock i'm trying to where did you see this daily mail chicago man 45 is arrested for threatening to guard white house during biden's inauguration and kill any democrat who steps on the lawn so i was already confused thinking that this was his own you thought he was talking about his own lawn

but uh people are still talking about this stupid fucking uh terrorism thing i mean i think it's terrible or whatever but i mean could they just shut the fuck up i mean bring me some honestly i'll be the contrarian here i think it's cool that they're doing terrorism now i think you know we got to bring that spice back into our lives you know it's been so long since people have gone out and uh and people are a little anxious like it's it's a little tiring to be anxious about the same thing for like it's going it's gonna be a year now that we've been anxious about covid and like that's the reason why we can't go out i think there needs to be a new reason why we can't go out and i think

the right move here is to be anxious about hot guys wearing skin. I refuse. Max, you're referencing the QAnon shaman. The Q shaman, who is hot, by the way. Very hot. He's not. He's not. He's not hot.

I will say that I saw the original picture that gays were calling hot and then were very promptly canceled and called racist for um mentioning that they thought that the q anon shaman was hot in that picture maybe you know it's a maybe for me but then if you look at the if you look at the other ones oh yeah other have you seen the other pictures of him yeah just very schlubby and kind of awful. Schlubby and bald. I'm sorry. Hold up. Sorry to bring up the B word, Chuck. He's bald. And it proves that gay guys

will literally fall for any bald man wearing a weird hat. Yes. And he just has a beard. Go ahead, Chuck. The fact that you're willing to even accept that picture is kind of sad, Ben. I feel like a lower of taste is happening here.

Look, I said maybe. Ben's about to start his new job for CNN tomorrow. Yeah, this is me pivoting to my corporate media job saying I would... Me doing a little toning it down is saying that I would maybe fuck the on shaman and going right for a prime time slot on msnbc yes jock i've been i did mail you some self-tanner some kind of like bronzer product so you can help that kind of issue that's oh yeah

i'm not that pale well the thing is is like i moved into this new neighborhood off federal in denver you're wait i think you're living in baker no i'm in so now you're living in the highlands i'm i'm back to my roots of denver max the highlands is where all of the um central americans and mexicans live oh beautiful in denver so that explains why that explains why jock is now wearing a mickey mouse shirt he's trying to blend in he's trying to blend into the community i gotta say that i'm looking around at the you know like my latino neighbors and i mean my neighbors i'm kind of having a hard time to believe uh i mean that's why i sent you the self-tanner you know i'm just kind of well i don't understand i don't understand what you're talking about jock do you want to elaborate on

your thoughts it sounds like they may be a little racist no would you like to explain to the audience why i need to somehow be darker to also be a latino sounds like you're doing a little bit of colorism unrelated unrelated unrelated ben has had what seems to be like alopecia or some kind of alopecia means you don't have hair that's what you have okay that's it that's what you that's what that's what you have on your head i have hair you are misconstruing the point i'm not misconstruing the point you said i have alopecia which i don't okay and you don't know what alopecia means let me round this two separate mike mike okay there you go um you know i just i feel like you guys are missing out

i just moved into this latino neighborhood you know the closest latino friends i have and i just okay now i wish y'all could come hang out and join the fun i mean we are your You know, one of the closest Latino friends I have. And I just feel like... Okay. You know, I wish y'all could come hang out and join the fun. I mean, we are your only Latino friends. You are living in a Latino neighborhood now. But I think... I'm just worried that you're going to get bullied. You're going to be accepted by the Latino community, Shock. I hope so, for sure.

I have no questions about that in my mind. You're currently wearing... You're wearing the Mickey Mouse shirt. It's a sleep shirt. It's already. It's a sleep size. You're wearing a sleep size. Is that what you said?

No, that's literally what the tag says. It's a sleep size. It's a sleep shirt. That's so cool. You're literally wearing a 5XL tall boy Mickey Mouse shirt, and you're worried about Latinos accepting you. Oh, God.

If anything, they're going to think that you're pandering. They're going to think Jacques is Puerto Rican and that cannot stand. Pandering. I did not call you a panda. I don't know what that means. Pandering? It means that... No know what that means pandering um like it means it no it means that

pandering is like when when someone tries to um appeal to a group's kind of um consensus or the idea of what they like like if i were pandering to you i would say isn't the best thing in life gumbo oh this is like okay i get it now this is like when i go to the vfw in all camo so i can do pranks sure sure pandering to them yes yes absolutely yeah i mean you're almost there why there. Why not? But I don't think you should have any difficulty blending in. We've discussed before how you love to coordinate your shirts with an accent color and a pair of sneakers. Yes. Which is possibly the most Puerto Rican thing you could do.

So I think you'll be fine. I'm halfway there. You're halfway there. Yeah, maybe you should be the one to use the bronzer, Jacques. Okay. Oh, my God. If Jacques had it. Now who's the color specialist?

Color specialist? Me. Yeah. Yeah. Just saying. Is it cold in New York right now? Is it cold in New York? A little.

It was sunny today i was in my i was in my room all day i've had kind of a stressful day i'm a little depressed girl boss issues but oh no you got your pinky stuck in your vinyl heat press yeah but talking to my talking to my friends is helping i also made a cup of this tea that i'm gonna drink um that my roommate got for it's not mushrooms but it is it's called blue lotus flower tea and it's supposed to make you high look i'm gonna tell you i have it i didn't really look into what it's going to do to my body i'm imagining it'll give me a kind of like kratom like you know mild hint of euphoria you are i just made it so i'm gonna start drinking it you are sadly mistaken we're on our joe rogan shit

boys why have you done this tea before yeah ben blue lotus is code for ayahuasca you just drank ayahuasca you idiot no it's not look i'm not code for ayahuasca yeah it is yeah really how do you know that because i run with some freaky people yeah why else i don't think so i'm i i'm drinking it and it tastes fine this is like some joe rogan shit this is like when jock says he runs with some freaky people like anybody he runs with is freaky just by uh by virtue of jock being there like jock is such a massive freak that just the tea is disgusting becomes freaky yeah yeah i could tell by your reaction i don't think that's gonna cure you but it tastes kind of like mushrooms we'll see what happens maybe i'll tell you that any everyone that i ever knew from my hometown who took ayahuasca came out okay this isn't ayahuasca jock i'm just telling literally

tea everyone who did ayahuasca that i knew came out noticeably stupider like there was a drop in their intelligence that like a decline in their intelligence for years yeah years years yeah i saw this one guy and okay i went to circle k at 11 a.m to get my fountain drink before work and i got off is that part of your morning ritual yeah and i got off circle k fountain drink yeah i used to have a 44 ounce of pepsi max every morning and one at night the amount of caffeine let me sleep anyway back to the original wait what i was so addicted to caffeine that i not only needed it to was i'm sorry it was yeah you you literally like caffeine pills i don't i haven't but honestly props to you for getting off the soda and just straight taking caffeine pills. I'm not even taking caffeine pills right now.

It's much healthier, honestly. I'm honestly in a total fog. I don't know where I am. I miss taking caffeine pills. Why do you keep moving? Moving places? He's being hunted, Ben. Come on, get with it.

You're being hunted. Why do you keep moving? I've been hunted by the Predators, have you? Where are you living now? You're in keep hunted by the predators have you why where are you living now you're in the highlands who are you living with i'm living with two of my friends uh my my best skater friend and his roommate who's so this is like a gay guy roller skater house yeah and um psychotic and a straight girl oh and a straight girl yeah a straight girl. Oh, and a straight girl. Not a straight girl. I mean, we're practically a sitcom. Nasty.

Oh, my God. You're almost a sitcom. You just need, like, a baby or a black friend. Dr. Palma misogynist here to work out the case. That's like the least. Palma is banned from Twitter. Rip. The same day Donald Trump got banned.

They are silencing queer voices on there, you know, and I will not stand for that. Who's next? Jeffree Star? Chris Crocker? Yes. Well, okay. So they got the Q Shaman. They got Trump.

They got me. Right? It's just, you know, like the queer community is is taking these l's and i don't i don't see i don't see anybody stepping up to the plate and saying this will not stand you know yeah i i think the silence on on uh on the queer community's front and the queer leftist community in particular uh get their asses is is is deafening that silence is deafening um you have been called out queer leftists. You've been put on watch for not sufficiently defending Palma.

We see you for the monsters you are. All of Philly DSA, you have been warned. You are on the seeking derangements hit list. That's right. That's so cool. Honestly, all the ugly ladies on that steering committee, you are fucking done with me. You're fired.

I'm serious here. You're fired. I mean, you know, rip to the poster in chief. It's very sad that Trump's Twitter, not to mention a little troubling, but it is very sad that his Twitter was banned. He is one of the best posters of all time. And I am kind of like legit sad that the best will not be able to tweet anymore but you know he will end up you know he'll live in our hearts he'll he will

he will live on he will live on in our hearts his tweets will live on in our hearts that's very true shock i like that what he's like he will just like he'll just make his own create his own media platform which will honestly be way funnier. He just needs to have a late night show. It would be amazing. It's going to be really funny. Just like a Rogan-style three-hour stream of consciousness podcast. It would be amazing.

Okay, two questions. The first one's not even a question. The best thing he ever wrote was, Miley, you don't need liam stay strong yes yes that one was good um i have a compilation of his bet middler tweets here which are my person are my personal favorite go off go off the magnum opus bet middler tweet washed up psycho at bett midler was forced to apologize for a statement she attributed to me that turned out to be totally fabricated by her in order to make quote unquote your great president look really bad she got caught just like the fake news media gets caught a sick scammer a sick scammer oh my shakespeare is like okay these were these were literally all posted on october 28th 2012 this spree this drive by on bet middler um okay another one but whenever she sees me she kisses

my ass she's disgusting at bet middler while bet middler is an extremely unattractive woman i refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct. At Bette Midler. And he's adding her in all of these. He's literally like, bitch, I want you to see this. At Bette Midler, talks about my hair, but I'm not allowed to talk about her ugly face or body. So I won't. Is this a double standard?

Police would like to report a murder. Yeah, literally. Now, now grotesque at bet middler is into the trump act trying to become relevant again i've never liked at bet middler's persona or singing and haven't heard her name in years just i want to know what happened what an all-star literally how many of the hocus pocus gay stands well it's funny because he got banned he's been banned from twitter instagram facebook tiktok pinterest etc etc shopify shopify they deplatformed the maga spotify even but spotify but he hasn't been banned from playstation okay or xbox or xbox he's gonna have to go you know what he's look donald trump you can say whatever you want on xbox live

you can literally say the word as much as you want and no one's gonna it's no one's gonna call you out on that i was playing gta online, and this one player kept killing me. And it was like, President of United States 101. I didn't know it was him. Well, I mean, I saw that he was also banned from Letterboxd. So there goes the amazing Trump movie reviews. I was hoping he would have to resort to Letterboxd to troll Bette Midler.

That cat really showed you up in Hocus Pocus 2, bitch. Low-talent actress Bette Midler. And a fucking Letterboxd review, but he can't even do that. I feel kind of bad for him they deleted parlor too so he's not going to be my friends either i was gonna say yeah i mean the best case scenario for like a trump like exclusive social media site would be parlor and that got shut down earlier there was gab there was gab too but gab is gab is for cucks gab gab is completely like it's too epic to gab

was like a validly right wing whereas parlor was just like libertarians it was like yeah yeah yeah i mean there's there's there's not a huge difference between the two but uh gab gab was like outwardly like super epic it was like for for right wingers who like loved star wars too you know like well i also like donald trump jr types who are just like yeah um my gender is you know attack helicopter yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck everybody on gab thought ray uh from star wars was like the worst character that had ever come up like it was like a complete abortion of a like that entire trilogy was an abortion of a you know of a storyline or whatever i've never seen a single star war in my life i i've had to watch them because my dad really likes them but fuck star

wars and fuck star trek if you're there we go there we go honestly jock honestly jock fuck all sci-fi as a genre okay okay, okay. I don't like it. I don't like fantasy. Let's go back to it. I don't like fantasies. You're such a cranky adult. I do not like fantasies. I don't like fantasies.

I hate fantasies. I like going to the bank and getting off the side. Fuck fantasies like that. Literally. Yeah. The thing about Parler was that it was just for people who were too old to realize that you should not, like, upload your drive, like, a picture of you with your driver's license to a place that you don't trust. Yeah. Like, that was the, that was what you needed to do to like

even dm people on there like you could sign up and do whatever like in post but you literally had to upload a picture of your driver's license you have to be verified right like to get a blue check and to like use a lot of what was like basic site functionality like you know like that's crazy reparl or whatever the fuck they called retweets um yeah like you had to send a picture of you holding your fucking driver's license and like doing a silly face or what the fuck random random random so that becomes doubly problematic when uh a lot of your users who do that also go on to do quote-unquote domestic terrorism, which...

I mean, what is generally now called domestic terrorism by the police state. And also post about it and broadcast themselves doing it on that platform where they have also posted a picture of their faces. But it's crazy. They completely de-platformed Parler because Google and Amazon and Apple, they basically made it impossible to download the app. Yeah.

I mean, they literally made it impossible to download the app. But it's crazy because it's like... Let's be honest and say they they actually do care about you know eliminating uh right wing uh kind of indoctrination or radicalization online it's like most of that happens on fucking facebook and youtube no yeah no i know i know i know that don't youtube every fucking day since like 2014 i know yeah you watch one you watch one youtube video and the next on the autoplay function because this is good for them it's built into their algorithm it keeps people watching it

the next video is just like you know like hillary clinton with a big bat like a big pill bottle labeled estrogen like dumping it into the water supply like seven reasons why obama is a monkey who was born in kenya or whatever yeah i think they start out watching like a crusader kings or like strategy game playthrough or walk through or whatever and three videos later you're like uh there's a video about how like zoe quinn is a satanist bitch who is going to like turn every male and they're correct everybody with games well yes they're right but then like eight videos later they're talking about how like obama was like yeah you know like a muslim who was born in kenya and like his everything in in uh during his administration

was uh you know uh illegal or whatever. And then like 10 videos, which is still true. And then like 10 videos later, it's about how he gets shown Varg, like talking about how he's like, this is how you make, this is how you find yourself a very fine Eurasian woman to procreate with. And literally forward Z,

Z, to procreate with and forward the the the fourth Reich and create a future for the right race. Jock is looking very nervous, Max. You're making Jock very

nervous. Which, okay, is still true. By doing a Nazi impression, etc. I can see I can see the wheels the scared wheels in J Jacques' head turning about how to not be canceled, which is never going to happen to you, Jacques. I've already made mistakes this episode. I'm the one on the cross, Jacques. Every single fucking time someone gets canceled online, it's me.

Max is the one who we throw under the bus if this podcast ever gets called out yes because I'm used to it and you know what I like it I love the pain Max loves being thrown under the bus so it's fine if anyone comes for you we'll just say that Max

made a soundboard of you and made the soundboard say that you hate trans people no no no and made the soundboard say that you hate trans people? No, no, no. Anyways, Jacques, what do you think about the... What would you call what happened at the Capitol? Would you call it A, a coup, B, an insurrection,

or C, a terrorist attack? Okay, well... Or D, a riot? I'll call it E, a big. Okay, I'm going to say... I'll call it E, a big erection, because that's what I got. There we go. I'm going to say...

Can I get an A, then, fellas? Look, look, look, listen. Okay, Jacques. I'm going to go with C, but I'm going to be very honest. I don't really know what a coup d'etat or a... You're friends. You should know what that means.

Intersectional is. You should literally know what coup d'etat means. It's literally your fucking language, Jacques. It's your heritage, bitch. Okay, first of all, my heritage is wearing a beret and eating a baguette covered in butter every day, so don't tell me what my heritage is.

How dare you speak on my culture. Okay, so, wait, so you're saying... You're right. I'll just be stronger. You're saying C, which was... That's my line. What was C? I forgot. Ugh, this bitch's brain is broken. A terrorist attack.

A terrorist attack. So wait, so why are you calling it a terrorist attack? Well, first of all, I'm calling it a terrorist attack because you drank ayahuasca today. Second, I'm calling it a terrorist... It's blue lotus flower, and I feel nothing from it yet. Yeah, that's how ayahuasca usually goes. I mean, we'll see.

Should I chug this to see if I... You're going to be living a Nancy Meyers film nightmare by 7 p.m. today. It's so gross. If I start... We're casing away at some of those digestive teas, and you have to take a shit like in 10 minutes. Yeah, if I start freaking out, you guys have to stay on the call with me.

Oh, absolutely. Did Kyla give you that? No. Oh, okay. Let's go back. Why is it domestic terrorism? Because it's people attacking the government? I don't know.

It's just... I don't know. They were not supposed to be there. They knew that. Okay. So that makes them terrorists they're terrorists the same way go for any like overthrow the so what what needs to happen what should we do to them because since they're terrorists tase them in the balls until they

all have heart attacks okay there we go and the and the government and police should absolutely have the power to tase whoever the government wants to call a terrorist in the balls until they die. Don't twist my words. That's literally exactly what you just said. I did not just say that. You called them terrorists and then called for them to be tased in the balls until they die. Okay. Okay.

I just don't like them. I don't think that means. I don't know. I'm not the judge in this situation. I only go by the law of Tony Soprano. I don't really go by American law I mean Tony would definitely call them terrorists Oh yes If he wasn't on their side

What the fuck is this Q Shaman He's not showing respect to the fucking To the flag of the United States He didn't even fight for it Yeah Tony would definitely be one of those guys Who likes Trump but is Is scandalized By what they did at the Capitol because it's not showing respect to the flag. And the whole country, if someone did that, they'd be hanging by the fucking ball.

There we go. Max's Italian accent has really developed since he's been in Europe. So what else should we do to them, Jacques? What else would you propose doing to the terrorists? Since you've called them terrorists, I mean, that that's gonna have to take a pretty big response you have to make them walk in a room that's really sticky like they have to live in a really sticky room like they probably put honey all over the okay i have an idea i think um i should be the new director at guantanamo exactly that's exactly what i was just going to say. I was going to say we should put

Jacques. Look, we don't have to abolish the police or the CIA. We need to queer them. We need to queer it. We have to queer them by letting Jacques head the Department of Homeland Security or ICE. And finally, I'll be able to work with veterans on my level.

And all we do to people, the way that our torture program works is we put them in a really sticky room. Whatever that means. The way we queer Guantanamo is, you know that latex fetish where they put you in a vacuum-sealed latex suit and they pump all the air out of it? Shock? Are you aware of this? Just breathe through a snorkel? No. You know about this? I retweet a lot of videos know i've i've seen it i've seen the video it's like on twitter probably

because you retweeted them onto my timeline it's like a it's like a what you call it uh like like a fetish where they're it's just they look like sucked in vacuum bags or something yes yes yes like that yeah they should do that instead of look yeah i'm not i mean i would i guess i'd rather be vacuum sealed than waterboard it but i'm not claustrophobic but i'm definitely fat enough that i don't like late yeah it would take a it would take a big vacuum seal bag to waste in my good it would end. It would end up popping like a tube of biscuits when you buy it at the store. I'm telling y'all now.

Y'all can mail me whatever latex y'all want, but I am not wasting my good butter on it. That ain't going to work on my fat ass. I ain't using my butter for this. I tell you that right now. My Crisco is for cooking and cooking only. Wait, what's the worst? I don't believe that you haven't used Crisco for sex before.

No. Oh, God, let's not. No, you haven't. No, but I mean, if I had access to it, if I needed it, I probably would. Fuck. Yeah. Look, sorry I was raised in raw dog capital, where we don't believe in lubricants.

Is Lafayette, Louisiana, is known as the raw dog capital of the world? Yeah, I mean, we're just so naturally humid and so naturally wet. It's just like, we don't need that. That's nasty. All right, I've got a tweet for you, boys. Gay bars and clubs, Yeah, it's by...

Well, gay bars and clubs create a safe space for socializing and expression in the LGBTQ plus community. But how lovely would it be to have a gay coffee shop be a safe space to chill, go on dates, catch up with friends? Something that doesn't involve nightlife or alcohol? Cool idea, I think. That's just regular coffee shops. Lisa Maloney.

I'm sorry, but... It's just a coffee but coffee shop i'm sorry the only safe space that exists is the padded cells of the asylum whoa i knew i knew i knew jock would have some the kind of the most reactionary member of the podcast i am the least reactionary i am calm you've called for seven genocides on this program. I am just a calm warrior of Gaia. I do not need to spill any blood. Yeah. I mean, this tweet's hilarious because it's like a gentrification manifesto. Not only do these places

already exist, and maybe have stopped existing because of COVID, but that's not, you know, lasered in on just gay places. I mean, there's no personal information. Also the idea that a gay bar is a safe space. You get basically

gross constantly at gay bars. Yeah, I mean, their solution for this is to turn the exact same space like for constantly yeah yeah i mean their solution for this is to turn the exact same space that that functions for like a community that they're gentrifying like i don't know for example uh a black barber shop all right and just like turning that into like a coffee shop that's just like uh yeah it's it's white only basically right okay i'm following because black people are are homophobic by nature they have like a bump in the back of their head that makes them homophobic and this is definitely what white lesbians who wear like rainbow suspenders believe yes yes absolutely like ray-ban style uh frames just like completely ignoring the the long and and storied history of black dykes

there was a time period where i was in recovery and i went to a gay aa meeting and if you think gay bars are already twisted you take the alcohol out and call them all alcoholics okay it's a war it's a battlefield it's a scary place to be if you're ever trying to get into recovery and you have the option to go to a regular meeting a a meeting or a gay one don't go to the gay one you'll you'll end up on meth so i have an article um called the battle of the blue cat cafe that is about a lesbian cat cafe that displaced formerly a piñata store in austin oh my god it's like literally what lesbians do lesbians want to turn every um housing development or piñata store taqueria into a cat cafe so i have a few i i'm

just skimming this right now um apart uh okay um the battle of the blue cat cafe how an anti gentrification boycott became a proxy war between the radical left and the alt right by radical left i'm i'm literally assuming that they do do mean rainbow suspender wearing lesbians. And by the alt-right, I'm assuming they mean socially conservative Latinas who are probably homophobic. Just, yeah, like very fat women, very fat, ruddy-faced Latina women who go to church every weekend. It's so racist. Radical far-right fascists. it's so racist like radical far-right fascist it's so racist apart from the cats and the decor the cafe seemed just like another shabby chic hangout anyone willing to pay five dollar

a five dollar kitty cover could come inside order a coffee and play with the adoptable the adoptable cats blah blah blah let's see the cozy atmosphere made it easy to forget that the cafe is ground zero for an intense public debate over gentrification, a flashpoint for longstanding tensions between the majority Hispanic neighborhood and the wealthier, wider developers. It's a conflict that has now expanded beyond the neighborhood, becoming yet another skirmish in the national battle between the alt-right and the radical left, all over a cat cafe. What do you guys? I'm going to skim for some more.

I think it's incredibly racist of these lesbians to try to dismiss culture latino culture being um homophobia is a valuable part of absolutely and thank you for them to anyway also i'm against yet another reason why you will fit in in the high in the highlands i'm also so true um by the boundaries of my religion and how i feel in my heart um against any kind of place that serves food and has cats in it yeah that's disgusting i think that is fucked up and i think that you should you should it is fucked up and they should okay and i and this is why I called you the most reactionary member because you

you're very you're you love calling for people's stuff not that they deserve it but in their defense cat cafes are mostly just an excuse to like go and pet cats and do heavy petting I feel like the only place they should exist is Japan or Korea

yeah or Korea I mean it's I know it's very it's bad manners to play with your food I feel like the only place they should exist is Japan. Or Korea, yeah. Or Korea. I mean, I know it's bad manners to play with your food, but, you know, that's where they belong. I feel like they should just exist there and nowhere else. The overnight destruction of a beloved piñata store, part of a cluster of party supply stores along East Cesar Chavez, seemed to crystallize... No on seas on cesar chavez over that i know oh bitch it's so funny um yeah quick aside the uh the fake elizabeth

warren black barbershop was on mlk avenue uh seem to crystallize neighborhood anger about the influx of hipster bars and luxury apartment buildings a coalition of community groups including people organized in defense of earth and her resources and the austin chapter of the naacp blah blah blah basically a coalition of people of color this comes as no trying to shut it down a cafe employee Rebecca Gray was in the market she dreamed of opening a cat cafe since hearing about two businesses one in Montreal and one in Oakland

where patrons could sip cappuccinos and nosh on snacks in the company of resident felines I hate this writer you know that just from the style and prose of this writer that they definitely are on the side of the lesbian gentrifiers. Anyways, Gray then 31 quit her job at an Austin startup

and got to work. She was probably a Google. She's probably like some kind of tangential tech worker to the Google and like Apple industry. Yeah, like probably worked with that company that put none of those stories spots on on homeless people for that one south by southwest yeah and then she made three million dollars doing that and be like um i would love to open a cat cafe that would be like so quirky and fun this comes as no surprise because everyone in austin is twisted and is one of the worst cities in the US. I fucking hate Austin. I know.

I completely agree with you. Out of all the places, I would burn it down 100%. Yeah. That's where they should put the first FEMA camp is in Austin. She had a name, the Blue Cat Cafe, after her cat Max, a Russian blue. And she made $62,000 from astarter crowdfunding campaign to open this yeah oh god yeah she seems like a real all from like people with way too many like oh i'm not gonna buy uh funko pop this week because i'm gonna donate to this literally literally now she needed a space

with her okay get this with her business partner jacques casire. Do not slander my name. We already have that Cousteau fuck ruining it for all of us other Jacques. Jacques Cousteau. She looked all over Austin before settling on a former mechanic's garage sitting toward the back of a 7,000-foot lot on East Cesar Chavez. Within 48 hours of visiting the property in July 2015, they had handed over the deposit of a signed five-year lease.

The front of the lot where Jambolin, is the name of the piñata store, Jambolin Jambolin Piñata once stood before becoming cafe parking.

Blah, blah, blah. That's so evil. The cafe celebrated its grand opening on October 17th, 2015. The first patrons arrived, many of them Kickstarter donors, were greeted by a line of protesters carrying signs, Hey hipster, don't be a pussy, and chanting slogans, Pet your cat, sip your tea on the ruins of the jungle.

The community, it seemed, was making tea on the ruins of the jungle. The community, it seemed, was making good on this promise to boycott and they wanted everyone to know it. When two months later the La Jarras... That boycott was never going to work and is never going to work. These people were not the

primary audience for that fucking cat cafe. That's like saying black people are going to boycott or BLMm is gonna boycott uh goya goya no no yeah or maybe not maybe not goya because like a lot of afro-latino people like do like use a lot of goya products i know my family i love goya yeah i still do you know yeah but but yeah it's like these people were never going to be the target audience you're not going to put a fucking dent in the bottom line That cat cafe is No, it's so clearly

Exclusively for these fucking lesbian white freaks Literally These literal fucking coastal elites Who have been shipped over to Texas It's for like epic Having office space in the fucking Bay Area has gotten too expensive It's for like keeping office there Epic style lesbians

in polka dot teacup dresses oh 40 40 years from this rockabilly rockabilly gentrifier lesbians rockabilly is probably the most gentrified aesthetic not as if people are gentrifying it you know what i mean is that It's beloved by epic gentrifiers. It's beloved by the most twisted people. Anyways, so the pinata store. I love redlining and I love rock and roll. We need to redline rockabillies. We need to redline them into their,

we need to build a wall around them. We should let the, honestly, let them take over Austin. What the fuck's a red line redlining is back to you from the 1930s right or like up until the civil rights act no no it's not only that it's much more pernicious than that uh it refers to like literally refers to like like urban planners drawing lines through maps of of where they were black people were allowed be, which were oftentimes on toxic wastelands or under highways or just in shitty parts of town. Anyways, I'm saying we need to do that for rockabillies.

We need to outlaw that shit. That should be like, if anyone's going to get labeled as a domestic terrorist, it should be gentrified. It should be rockabilly. Like rockabilly. Like, rockabilly. Yeah. Absolutely. It sucks.

Okay. But neighborhood activists... So, the store tried to sue the lesbian, and they settled out of court, meaning that this former tech-working lesbian probably has a lot of fucking money. But neighborhood activists remain determined to carry on the boycott. Several of them, including veteran East Austinin organizer bertha delgado you do not want to fuck with the latina name oh no like literally literally kill your family she can fight so well she's gonna put the fucking lights out on these people sorry go on yeah formed a

group defend our hoods defende el barrio in february 2016 defender hoods launched a facebook group that would be moderated by chrisedsman, a young Chicano activist. The group used social media to organize increasingly vitriolic protests outside of the cat cafe. More than once, the employees called the police to keep the demonstrators off property. Video from July 2016 shows a gathering of sign carrying protesters lining the sidewalk outside of the cafe to all you white people you look really fucking comfortable right now because you've got a small army of pigs to protect you a man yells into a bullhorn what does it feel called ice what are the other people how does it feel to need an

army of pigs to protect you from the fucking neighborhood? Get out. Oh, my God. So funny. So funny. Go off. Respect. I mean, literally.

Big respect. Get these lesbians out of El Barrio. Get these stupid fucking dykes out of that place. On the morning of October 21st, 2016. Fucking indigo girl bitches. There we go, Jacques. On the morning of October 21st, 2016, a few days after the cafe's one-year anniversary, Gray arrived at work to find the locks super glued shut

and fuck you, gentrified scum, spray-painted in red on one of the exterior walls. Later that day, about a dozen protesters from Defend Our Hoods arrived, many wearing red bandanas to hide their faces diane ontiveros who lives next door from the blue cat cafe witnessed a confrontation between gray who is the lesbian and the demonstrators they were trying to walk off her property so they could get a hold of her but i ran over and pulled her by her hand back this way she says

one gentleman told me i would pay for that the 57 year old says she found a dead cat in her front yard the following day okay literally murdering their own cats at the cat cafe and then throwing them into latina's yards yeah probably a stray a spokesperson for defenderhood denies responsibility for the graffiti the vandalism the dead cat attributing to the acts to, quote unquote, people in the neighborhood. God, I love this. This is so funny. Yeah, Jacques. We'll finish this article because it's really funny, but cut in.

The lesbians come out. They're like, I hope you're happy now. We have to put all of the cats down in our cafe. Literally. I guess you fucking... I guess you won, Bertha. We're going to have to shoot all the cats in front of your little Latino children. Also, side note, I just sent it in the group chat.

There's this old arcade game called Feed Big Bertha. Do y'all remember this? No, I don't want to get sidetracked called Feed Big Bertha. Do you all remember this? No, I don't want to get sidetracked into Feed Big Bertha. Which is what you said, Bertha. It's beautiful. We can do Feed Big Bertha after the article. How about that? Okay, little lady.

Sorry. Days later, Gray was interviewed by a reporter for InfoWars, the far-right conspiracy-obsessed media organization founded by Austin radio show host Alex Jones. So you're telling me all these beaters killed those cats? They're killing the freaking cats. The beaters are killing the freaking cats. They're not saying their best, folks.

They're bringing cat killers. They're bringing racists. They're bringing anti-lesbian activists. Okay. Anti-lesbian. The Mexicans, they hate the les them up. We hate to send them back. The Mexicans, they hate the lesbians. They hate our lesbians.

They hate our cat cafes. They hate our dykes. They hate our beautiful dykes. They hate our beautiful cat eye-wearing glasses dykes. They hate the polka dot teacup skirts, folks. We've got to send the Mexicans back. Y'all make me so nervous but they hate cats it's awful y'all make me so nervous when y'all talk in y'all's little voices

okay um i love that alex jones is intervening because i really don't know whose side he's going to take here oh the cat brother anyways anyways i'm queuing up that episode later definitely um thanks to the resulting story the blue cat cafe suddenly became a cause Anyways, thanks. I'm queuing up that episode later. Yeah, definitely. Thanks to the resulting story, the Blue Cat Cafe suddenly became a cause celebre for the alt-right. Donations from around the world began pouring into the cafe's GoFundMe page, which had been created by Gray's sister after the vandalism. I hope these protesters die a slow, horrible death, one donor who chipped in 500 wrote on the page these violent thugs are disgusting racist vile human beings offered another okay so literally the lesbian cat cafe is funneling money from the global alt-rights from yeah literally this lesbian cat cafe literally made bedfellows with Alex Jones to make $15,000. They made $15,000.

From the second GoFundMe for this tech lesbian's cat cafe, she's made nearly $80,000 in donations. in dollars in donations. God, the GoFundMe campaign raised over $15,000, which Gray used for vandalism-related repairs and the installation of security cameras around the cafe. Gray says she didn't know what InfoWars was when she granted the interview.

Come on. Come on. No way. There's no way you're a fucking There's no way you're a fucking lesbian in 2015. Like a liberal cat cafe owning lesbian, and don't know who InfoWars is. It's literally based in Austin. Is that a racist group? I'm going to put you in on Twitter and like Zoe Quinn or whatever.

Yeah. Don't know what fucking InfoWars is. Give me a fucking break. I know. Give me a fucking break. What kind of retard are we talking about here? She says that, a lesbian, she says that not all of the donations were from Jones' supporters.

And since the GoFundMe page does not allow recipients to accept money on a selective basis, she was, quote, happy to take away money from people with hate. Ah, yes. So she's doing like this galaxy brain thing where she's like, yeah, you know, I know they're racist, but I'm fleecing them to gentrify Austin. It's like, what? Who's going to have the last laugh when you use that money to pay the kill shelter fees for euthanizing all those cats? To change the name of Cesar Chavez Boulevard to Rosie the Riveter Avenue.

To Rosie O'Donnell Avenue. I love that you consistently call her Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell Avenue. Literally, Sean. I love it. I love it. These indigo girls can get the fuck out. They're all TERFs.

All those older lesbians are all fucking TERFs seriously I mean um they're yeah they're definitely a little TERFy half of the crowd at an indigo girl show is very TERFalicious yeah um around the time of the vandalism Delgado began to distance herself from defender hoods

they were cursing shouting and shouting out bad names she says that's not the type of protesting that i was ever used to and i've been protesting all my night all my life they were ripping signs off neighbor's property kicking things that was unacceptable okay so it sounds like delgado is being a little bit of a pussy i hope she's just saying this to the press and behind the scenes she is organizing the death of cats she's high-fiving people yeah i hope she's she's just doing this for the press um let's see one day delgado logged into the group's facebook page to discover that her

administrator privileges have been revoked she'd been ousted from the group okay so no it sounds like the group was clearly fed up with her being a little bit of a pussy everyone's kind of this crazy cat oh my god there's a picture of the inside of the cat cafe and it is literally fucking horrendous can you send me a picture i'm i'll hold it up right now so i will describe what i'm showing the boys right now is it a picture of the cafe i can't even see it well the most the one of the most prominent color and mind you this was 2015 which suggests that there's some kind of appeal to this color among some of the worse people. But a very prominent color is the Elizabeth Orange Mint Green, Mint Blue, whatever you would call that.

Elizabeth Orange? Who the hell is this Elizabeth Orange, and how can I have this broad's numbers? Well, she is like a certain percentage American Indian, so I guess it makes sense. So that color is there. And it's literally two lesbians sitting at like kind of mid-century modern stools. There's a fake tree. Those are literally like fold up, like high chair stools.

It looks terrible. The vibe there is so fucked. It's giving daycare vibes definitely yeah yeah yeah adult daycare are probably also autistic but yeah um and there there are deaf indeed cats anywhere okay let's get it okay this next paragraph is quite a doozy gray's brother paul an austin security guard an iraq war veteran became curious about the protests at his sister's cafe over over lunch with their mother rebecca mentioned that the protesters could get out of hand and paul offered to come by observe and ask them to clear the property if need be she accepted he's in security he's gone to war she says describing the thought process he knows how to manage crowds and he's killed some children he's gone to war, she says, describing the thought process. He knows how to manage crowds when they get out of hand.

That's what he does for a living. This bitch is evil. She is so fucking evil. I cannot believe this. I'm bringing in my military contractor brother to do crowd management because the Latinos protesting outside of my cat cafe won't leave. It's like, bitch, if it's getting to this point, how do you not realize that you are evil? I don't understand. Yeah.

The rationalization she must be doing is crazy, and it has hinge on latinos are socially conservative and homophobic i mean that has to be what she's telling herself this is a common uh illusions of dill grander uh among all lesbians this is an ego thing yeah honestly lesbians can be some of the most toxic men i mean seriously absolutely they do a lot of toxic masculinity especially the ones that look like anderson cooper there we go and i have to imagine that this is what this this lesbian business owner looks like i'm just i have an image we'll find a picture of her later 700 pounds can we all see the pictures her roles are beautiful to cope with the ongoing protest grace stepped back from full-time management of the cafe and began seeing a therapist.

She said she was diagnosed with PTSD. They want to drive me insane and mentally cause me so much stress in my life that I lose it, she says. Still, she refuses to accede to the protesters' demands and then she closes the cafe. I put every dollar I had into this. Still, she refuses to accede to the protesters' demands that she close the cafe. I put every dollar I had into this. Okay, bitch, you... 70 plus thousand dollars, nearing $80,000 of a fucking GoFundMe. I put every dollar I had into this. It's not like packing up an apartment and moving away.

Yes, it is. When Pickett's and Bullhorn's failed to drive the Blue Cat Cafe out of East Austin, anti-gentrification sympathizers set out to destroy the business's online reputation by spamming Yelp, Facebook, and Google with negative reviews. Avoid this place unless you want to help donate to their racist cause, read one post on Yelp. Smells terrible, the food is garbage, and the owner's brother is a Nazi, wrote another commenter on Google.

Reviewers claim to have seen depressed cats, diuretic kittens, and worm-infested water bowls. There is no evidence that these claims are true. Hoping to cut off the cafe's uh source of cats which were provided by a network of shelters defend our hoods encouraged supporters to file complaints of animal abuse with the austin humane society oh my god the tactic worked in october the humane society announced that it was ending its two-year-long partnership with the cafe though it did not endorse any allegations of abuse we are truly saddened by the current neighborhood conflict a statement from the humane society reads the conflict has

nothing to do with ahs this animal whatever and is not good for animal welfare or uh in an animal loving city blah blah. Let's see. Are animal shelters... She tried to find other shelters, but none would supply her with a cat she needed. Let's see here. One second. Maybe mark this until I can find another good spot. Yeah, absolutely.

This is a crazy story. It's very funny. i wish i had read this before it's typical austin i really hate i fucking hate austin and this just proves my point that it's an evil fucking dragon city where evil people from all across the u.s who want to be cool move to to drink 16 smoothies february 10 Defender Hoods organized a picket line outside of the Blue Cat Cafe to mark the third anniversary of the demolition of Jean Pauline, which found another home

on East Cesar Chavez in July. So they just moved further down Cesar Chavez. More than a dozen protesters set fire to a pinata of a man wearing a Make America Great Again cap, a Nazi armband, and a shirt emblazoned with the image of a cat. Which honestly is fucking sick.

They should have burned an effigy of Rosie O'Donnell in front of the cafe. Oh my god. Rosie O'Donnell wearing a swastika armband. But yeah, it sounds like the cafe is still there. Actually, I do have an update that article we just read is from texas monthly it's from april 2018 uh this one's from the uh austin statesman uh this is from uh february of 2019 uh blue cat cafe closes after controversial run in East Austin. The Blue Cat Cafe

has closed according to its owner. It drew protests when it opened at the former site of the Jamboline Piñata store, which was demolished in February 2015 and caught the store owners by surprise. The destruction sparked community outrage among some who felt there was one more example of gentrification in East Austin.

Made till it closed. It closed in 2019, yes. Hell yeah. outrage among some who felt there was one more example of gentrification in east austin um made so it closed it closed in 2019 yes hell yeah we you won you won ladies oh yes latinas latinas stay winning uh the cafe appeared to be to have been closed for months a two-month-old comment on the business's yelp page says that the cafe was closed at times when its business hours said it should have been open yikes yeah so yikes yeah no austin sucks austin sucks i hate austin if you're and it's funny like speaking of like gentrification in austin like you know like quote unquote like keep austin weird like that is literally a gentrification slogan keep austin white basically yeah keep austin white let's make sure that none of the like latinos that live in the east side or whatever move into the downtown area that we've claimed as our own to have you know because breweries or whatever

not not to put my koofy hat and and uh kente cloth on but uh like poc don't figure into weird you know in quotation marks like that you, like when people wear like a keep Austin weird shirt or hat or whatever, like they don't mean like, oh, yeah, like we love the tamalera lady like on Christmas, you know, like around the holidays, like the tamales they sell on the street. No, they mean like, oh, we we like being able to go down to Mexico and like buy cheap weed and then back up here. And dress like rockabillies. And dress like rockabilly and be lesbian out here. Keep Austin Weird means dressing like a rockabilly and working for Google. Which always reminds me of that one like come town bit from like way back in the day. It's not really a bit.

It's like a story from, there was this Fuddruckers. You guys know Fudruckers right but rockabilly oh my god it's like a rockabilly chain in florida it's a chain all over the place but like it's supposed to be like 50s style you know like uh everywhere like it's kind of like sonic but hopping daddy-o around the clock yeah yeah they all they all like to play like elvis and and like little richard and shit like to play like elvis and and like little richard and shit like that and like wang dang doodle like all that crap

don't worry about it so like there was a big lawsuit in in dc like in the early 2000s because like a hiring manager there like there was a black applicant or a person of color came in to apply for a job there. Oh, no. And they were like, you don't exist within our brand. Yeah, and the assistant manager was like, we don't really want to hire you because it doesn't really fit with our vibe. You're not the right kind of daddy-o. Scat! Scram!

And then a good follow follow up to that is scram huckster happened again like two months later where like some other black person tried to like get a job at Fuddruckers and they said nope it's not yeah like it's basically either like the very back of the house or not at all

and this person was like yeah applying to be like a server or whatever very fucked up. Well, you know, the Blue Cat Cafe. Rest in piss. How about that? Rest in cat piss. How about that?

Jock, what did you, you wanted to bring something up. So I sent you guys the Q key. Okay. The QAnon key, at least part one of it I see the word Military industrial complex I'm already turned off About this whole thing I see something called trilateral commissions

We got the Georgia Guidestones, New World Order We got the round Oh shit, there's something on here called the round table Guys, we probably shouldn't be reading this I feel like you could be a Q celeb, Jacques. I really don't. If Jacques was straight, he could absolutely be a Q person. If I was straight, I'd be riding a dirt bike straight into some trouble.

Have we got any notes? Jacques has a notebook looking. Okay, so let me tell you this thing first. Oh, okay. Can we trust Rutters as a news source? Reuters? Reuters. Reuters!

Y'all, is this Rutters? Is this like The Onion? Is Rutters The Onion? Reuters is cool, but it has some weird stories. Sometimes where it's very obviously a plant. I don't really know. Neutral reporting sometimes, but some other times it'll be like,

U.S. strikes partnership with Saudi Arabia and why this is so fucking great. We all love Saudi Arabia. Someone sent me, someone, someone. I'm sorry facing. Mohammed bin Salman. someone i'm sorry facing someone you know someone who was who i could only described as a little bit shook up from all of the uh you know world global a globalist a scared globalist what are you talking about this guy is just scared of someone you know who you're describing as a globalist yes okay he sent me this thing this article called wait wait're describing as a globalist. Yes. Okay.

He sent me this article called... Wait, wait, Jock. What does globalist mean to you? I don't know. I was just making fun of... Foreigner. Yeah. This is Jock's immigrant friend. Jock calls immigrants globalists.

I know this globalist guy. This neighborhood's full of globalists. This neighborhood is all globalists, man. I don't even know where they came from. I'm so pissed. Y'all be making my words. But wait, what do you mean? We have been making your words.

You're right. What do you mean? No, but who is this person? Use a word different than globalist. I'm genuinely curious about what you're trying to describe. My friend in espionage does not need to be talked about okay he remains anonymous he provides me with the underbelly news the things that are that are going on that so this is your manager chris yeah okay okay got it i don't think i wouldn't describe him as a globalist at all but go ahead

three russian doctors treating the coronavirus have recently fallen from windows okay my interest is peaked according to dr alessandr shalpov is in critical condition after falling from a window, the incident happened following a video he made in which he complained about working with sick COVID-19. While sick with COVID-19. Maybe Jacques should not be the one to read the article. Shut up! I can read! Jacques is eight dabs deep right now.

Jacques literally did just do a massive dab Before reading this article I'm so fucking jealous right now I have had zero weed for months I'm just doing a fucking dab in front of me Like it's nothing I kind of bleed like a tree If you cut me

It's like waxy sap Do you think these doctors are being assassinated? No dud Who's assassinating them and why? The government. If you let me finish, the two other doctors in Russia who spoke out about their lack of PPE have died after falling from windows in the past two weeks.

I got some PPE for them. Honestly, kind of just comical almost to how that is just so obvious to anyone. Yeah. So true. It's scary. It's scary. Literally so true. Uh-huh.

Yikes. I don't want to get caught. Yes, it's definitely a big oof. Yeah, it's a big yikes. I don't want to get got. You know, I'm always moving around the place because I'm like Jason Bourne. I think if the government is going to kill you,

it won't be for distributing the COVID vaccine. But maybe. I mean, it makes sense that doctors are killing themselves because it's a very depressing and stressful time for them. I saw that a nurse, a pregnant nurse. I saw that a nurse holding her baby jumped off of the top of an overpass into traffic and killed herself.

That was an Onion article, Shock. That was not an Onion article. Yes, it was. No, that was an Onion article. I saw it earlier today. Okay, whatever. It was satire. I'm not going to be goofed or fooled.

I mean, not to take away from how fucking depressing it all is. It is all depressing. I'm pretty sure the Venn diagram of people who read Defector and are our fans is basically two circles, but there is a very, very good article on that website

from someone who works at one of these like old folks homes that has a bunch of covet 19 cases that is heart-wrenching yeah yeah it's insane it is so sad speaking of heart-wrenching can we trust the NY Post? Are they bad? Why, Jacques? As if we ourselves are, one, a news source, two, much less a reputable news source. I'm just trying to filter the information I'm receiving. Should we move this up to the editorial board? Okay.

Extra, extra. Read all about it. The article reads, special ed teacher turns top only fans sex star okay that that is changing lives she's making the internet hot for teacher yeah the new york post is is like a really awful rag that burns its sources and yeah they've done this twice terrible fashion twice now they've they've outed a woman who had an otherwise professional job as being a OnlyFans sex worker. She was a paramedic. She was a paramedic.

And they just totally doxed this woman. Just threw her under the bus. I think completely he just published her OnlyFans at even. Which is just like, how is this this journalism how do you call yourself a journalist you're a wrecker well not only that but this was told to them if i remember correctly the story is that this lady was being interviewed for something else about how like paramedics have it really fucking tough right now in covid and uh and like how they're underpaid and everything and i think on background she

mentioned about like yeah i even had to like start an only fans because i couldn't make ends meet and then like the report was off the record or something yeah yeah it was probably on background if i'm remembering correctly but yeah it's still similarly like off the record like that should not be the fucking basis of an article and And this guy fucking tracked this woman down, like, using the contact info that she gave him or whatever. Knowing full well that this is going to be a clickbaity article that's, like, nurses are working. Knowing full well that she would be fucking fired.

This sexy nurse is so poor from her essential worker job that she has to slut it up on OnlyFans. It's this essential job where she has... Yeah, we have a choice to either let a vaccine dose now just go to waste or go to

jail for 10 years or whatever. I heard that the US and several different states has ruined huge batches of the vaccine by properly keeping them. Thanks, Cuomo, you fucking stupid wop. Jacques, you got anything else in the book? Yeah. Oral sex with more than 10 partners raises throat cancer risk by over four times, studies suggest.

This is a study you conducted personally. Yeah. This is actually from yahoo style i've done sucked off hundreds of men and i got four different types of cancer because of it all these people who suck dick a lot do are are generally smokers and in my small sample so yeah this see this seems like uh this seems like uh they're mixing up the causal order. I just need an equation for the amount of times that I've ate cum. How many health problems am I going to have? Maybe that does explain. I think when it comes to the thing you're eating giving you health problems it's it's less cum and more the bings the junk food the candy the butter hogshead cheese the hogshead cheese i think that's

probably i would honestly say you would be healthier if you ate more cum it's a good source of protein i'll give him that if the cum was offsetting all the other unhealthiness that i would have been healthy by now like you know like if they're if that was gonna be the yin to the yang yeah yeah so true and then how are they gonna bring back sex in the city without samantha i've never seen sex in the city Max have you? You must be stupid That's crazy You're talking to the wrong fags We're real men Chuck Yes

We're normal We're normal Y'all have never even been hunted People got mad at us For not having watched Party Monster We've never been hunting Y'all have never been to

How do you know We haven't been hunting We've been hunting bitch I have been bow hunting Me and Max hunt elephants In Africa together Shut the hell up You fucking We didn't been hunting. We've been hunting, bitch. I have been bow hunting, motherfucker. Me and Max hunt elephants in Africa together. Shut the hell up. You fucking...

We didn't invite you. I've actually been bow hunting before. It's great. We didn't invite you, John and Domino. You're too gay. We went with our straight friends, and they were like, we're going to go shoot elephants. And I was like, sick. We're going to shoot elephants?

Yeah. Can't wait to do that, brother. Are we allowed to do this? Is this legal? Yeah, absolutely. We can't wait to do that, brother. Are we allowed to do this? Is this legal? Yeah, absolutely. We can't invite... I'm down, but we just can't invite Jock because he's too gay.

It's literally how the conversation went. So we... Don't bring that fucking andy-faggot Jock over. We do hunt and are straighter than you. If I could blow you guys up, I would have already pressed the fucking button. Oh, please do.

Please. Honestly, try it, bitch. Y'all want to see the new image of my life i bought this picture from a thrift store and it really is just kind of like my new my new vibe it's the only thing i have hanging up in my new room what is it let's get visual during this audio yeah here i'll take a picture of it so we can post. Jock, would you like to describe what this picture is? Well, what we got here is an old man praying over a loaf of bread, a big book, and a bowl of soup. And what does this picture mean to you?

Why do you like it? It means I'm going to be in solitude. Okay. It means I'm going to, you know, eat some delicious food that's nurturing. He's leaning over the table. He's resting his hands and a fist on his forehead. He looks very contemplative. Yeah, praying.

But I think to Jacques, he's like, man, that guy's probably thinking about eating the food. This guy's thinking about eating the food. He's saving the moment before you. Man, if that ain't me. He looks thankful for his meal. I love anyone who's thankful for a meal. All right, what else? What other jock updates have we got? Well, you know, now that I'm in charge of Pfizer,

things have been pretty tough. I can't believe I had to take Pfizer, things have been pretty tough. I can't believe I had to take over. You've been pretty busy. We've been pretty busy, and I thought I was going to get a break. Between this and seeking derangements and the, you know, it's too much. Anything else? You haven't been canceled by Gays Over COVID, though i i sent them video of you traveling i sent them your location i sent them a video of me walking in the airport like this you sent that

video of me the lego man walking to them yeah look at this faggot yeah um the t is the t is kind of starting to hit oh my god the t is it actually tea i thought you had the capital t like tina oh yeah i meant oh no i meant i meant my blue lotus flower tea i just feel really um i want to give you all a visual update about vibey max has finally grown his facial hair out he has a mustache it's very cute. He explained earlier that his parents wouldn't let him grow out his facial hair. They would always yell at him.

Yeah, he explained to us that his parents wouldn't let him grow out his facial hair because it would make him more attractive and therefore actually be able to have sex as a gay man, which they don't want him to do. My parents hated when I grew out my facial hair when I was in high school. Which, honestly, I'm glad they told me it sucked because i did it well before before i was 20 i i tried to grow it out and it was wait can we get i'm gonna take a profile look to your like a mug

shot let's get it come on oh wow no give us a full draw line i can't i can't i'm not i'm gonna post that the fags will love you're gonna be you're gonna get grinded up on grinder yeah you're gonna get grinded to shreds my new uh my new profile pictures is my face it's the first time i think i've ever done that what was it before your ass you're gonna be the top bottom it was that it was that uh cumbia uh artist with a trumpet in one hand revolver in the other. That was your Grindr profile? That's insane. No, no, no. On Twitter. Oh, oh, oh.

I thought you said Grindr. No, no, no, no. What kind of fucking psycho doesn't have a fucking face picture on Grindr? Folks, folks. Wait, how's Spain? Spain's all right. I've been striking out less on Grindr but like the first couple days I was here I was like striking out left and right because I just

didn't know how to fucking flirt in Spanish that part of my brain had not been exercised in forever but yeah it's been great I've been getting my back blown out you know things of that nature you're getting accumulated to the land

yeah it's great accumulated have any has anyone out there played the big bertha arcade game we don't have a live audience arcade game please give us a what it's a yeah has anyone venmoed you for uh requests to do stunts or anything one thing and it was like can you tell my roommate forgot to bring I forgot to bring this pie to my roommate's Thanksgiving I don't know I'm just imitating

faggot voice faggot voice yeah my roommate brought a pie that didn't have any meat in it i was like send them a message i was like hey uh your roommate sorry that he forgot the pie or they forgot the pie or whatever like jacques is so taken aback by by how lame it is that he like just completely uh like goes into straight mode like hey sorry your roommate didn't bring a pie or whatever but uh you know uh uh next time just don't be a lame ass and bring a pie next time to your party um

we can should we do a christian walker update oh yes what has he been up to well you see because he was waiting for months because he was he was doing the whole um stop the steel shtick and explaining to his many many followers in detail the uh legal argument that rudy giuliani and the trump administration were rolling out as to how all these votes were stolen he was really getting into it with his manga audience and and for anyone who who doesn't know who we're talking about, this is Herschel Walker's BPD faggot light-skinned, blue-eyed son

who is a huge... Herschel Walker, for all the faggots who don't know, won the fucking Heisman Trophy in 82. He's like an old man. And was on The Apprentice. And was on The Apprentice, yeah. Why he knows and is personal friends with Trump and why his Herschel Walker son is a huge Trump stan.

Folks, I made this beautiful black faggot. He's my biggest fan. I love Christian. Christian, you're so gay. We love it. We love it, Christian. But Christian makes all of these front-facing camera videos in the Starbuck drive-thru being like,

Maga, it is time to fucking behead every liberal you see and then like there's five seconds of silence he's like hi could i get a soy cafe the most insane deranged order he goes he goes from screaming about genociding liberals while probably in full like uh hearing a radius of whoever this poor woman working at the starbucks is he has his window open and everything and then immediately his orders he code switches he code switches from uh maga uh influencer to star starby's fag and he ordered he always orders three shots of espresso a pump of white mocha a pump of caramel and extra whipped cream um but we should so when when he was he was leading up to uh january 6th which is when the the coup d'etat as jock jock's people would call it happened and he had like five

fucking meltdowns he went he went blank for a little bit he was clearly processing what had happened and then he came online and said mitch mcconnell can go to hell you communist like i have a fully calling mitch mcconnell a communist and then he was calling pence like a like a pussy and shit yes it's so funny because this really is demonstrating like not to not to read too much into christian walker he has a big following and i think within the 70 70 million americans still voted for trump but within the most kind of like die hard maga people they don't give a shit about the republican party they hate the republican party they hate mitch mcconnell they hate mike pence and now even some of them are turning on trump

for not literally like doing a coup they are like so pissed at donald trump and whatever like liberals now are like trying to impeach trump whatever it like this doesn't matter like these people are going to continue to do this shit this the it's like the portion of maga people who are like tuning into christian walker and you know storming the capital they are happy to exist without trump they almost want to exist without trump yeah it's kind of like a fucking millstone around their neck uh yeah okay and then he also he also posted um me a picture of himself plugging his ears me not listening to the faithless faithless scoffers refusing to give up the fight until january 20th because god is a miracle worker so he's now literally relying on he's literally saying god

no longer is will it be mike pence it won't be the courts that are going to deliver divine stolen election yes it's crazy anyway it's literally like South American, Catholic fash. This guy doesn't even go to fucking church. Give me a fucking break. I don't think a single church would let him in. Oh, absolutely. He'd fucking go up in smoke. I have a video of him doing that thing you do where he code switches.

Do you mind if I play that real quick? No, please. I was just about to go to his Instagram. This meets on January 20th, which is inauguration. I don't really care who's meeting today to vote for what. Hi, can I have three shots of espresso over ice in a venti cup with one and a half cups of vanilla and sweet cream cold foam? What the fuck is sweet cream cold foam?

What kind of order is that? That is all cream His diarrhea is weaking His shit Can you imagine bottoming Like having him bottom Oh my god Wait I need to find

Jacques is probably an expert at that kind of thing Because you've bottomed with hemorrhoids before But it's gotta be like a fucking battlefield down there it's like a world war one trench i mean i mean what is he a proctologist soon what is his at oh god booty bitch whore christian walk one r how do you spell it is it ch yeah christian like uh catholic christian uh w-a-L-K-1-R. Yeah. Christian Walker. Oh, my God.

Did he ban me? Oh, no. Did he block you? Or did he block me? He is not coming up. Oh, my God. That would be crazy if he blocked me. That would be.

Wait, Max, do you have Instagram open? I do have Instagram open. Just send me one of his posts oh my god no there's no way he blocked me folks we are maybe he's just maybe he's just like shadow the looking glass right now i swear to god i want i literally want to like make contact with him so badly make contact yep he is he is still up he is uh yeah he's okay send me one of his posts because i am not seeing him maybe i'm just so stupid and i'm like misspelling it let me yeah i just sent you a post of his okay let's see oh no he's here he must be shadow band

but he was talking he was talking about kamala's vogue cover. Did you guys see that? I didn't see that, no. Okay, wait, let me see. But he seems like the antidote to the K-Hive. Yeah, absolutely. I want to see Christian Walker do battle with the K-Hive because he single-handedly would destroy them. Destroy them.

The K-Hive is basically just like 35 people in like some office building in the Israeli desert. Like it's a fucking psyop. Okay, let's listen to what he has to say about... When I see Kamala's cover of Vogue, I'm like, girlfriend, the pantsuit and the sneakers, the Converse low tops. I'm like, someone call the fashion

and that's one reason why i could never be a leftist because i love that i love how he interchangeably used liberals and leftists. He's constantly calling Joe Biden an antifa leftist, which is hilarious. Let's keep listening. When the left used to go, Michelle Obama is stunning. She's so beautiful. We'd all be like. He's right about her.

And so it's not that Kamala. I mean, Kamala, I'm not a Kamala fan but she's not Michelle Obama she's kind of cute after having Melania Trump in the White House for four years and they ignore her no Melania Trump Melania Trump but now we have Kamala and they're like she's just beautiful

oh save it oh save it if Melania was for open borders you'd have her on the show as if melania was for open borders you'd have her as if kamala is pro open borders kamala knew it wasn't good so then her office came out against vogue and they were like well that's not the photo we agreed on for the cover she wasn't anyways i mean he's not what he's not wrong i it's hard to... I think Melania is probably the hottest first lady. Yeah, but she's a model. She's paid to be hot.

It's not like a... I'm not saying it's unfair, but it's moving the goalposts. I do think there was a lot of psyop-y stuff about trying to convince everyone that Michelle Obama is a stunning, gorgeous woman. I don't think she's ugly. was a lot of psyop-y stuff about trying to convince everyone that michelle obama is like a stunning gorgeous woman she's not i don't think i don't think she's ugly she's not ugly but she's definitely like not as a lot of it was a lot of like michelle's arms which is always very strange

to me yeah and also like oh she's a beautiful I mean, part of it was like having a black black people in the White House, like not be the help was like a massive like change when Obama became president. And when that happened, I think there was like a big knee jerk reaction to being like, oh, I'm not racist. I think she's beautiful. Which like you don't need to do that. You don't need to do that. Well, it's like when Georgia insured Democrats the Senate and all of these liberals were like, Stacey Abrams, please have my chick. Please, please wreck my ass. Just like insane.

Insane. My whole is yours. Okay, Jacques, don't bother your little head with Stacey Abrams. Stacey Abr this is the most beautiful woman in the world she's the most the most beautiful woman ever to uh dress and we stand but kamala i mean standing her the kamala cover did seem like what the fuck was anyone thinking it's crazy and it's also but what is very strange to me about it is that another instance where trump was right about about those magazines absolutely

absolutely yeah like every kandinast property from like the fashion magazines through pitchfork through like yeah almost everything that kanast has is like completely wrong about everything i think the only place that's not wrong about everything is like ars technica and that's because they're just nerds and they'd let what what needs to happen in this moment to synthesize all of the political forces and pop culture and just shit happening is we need charlotte climber to call anna wintour a white supremacist terrorist for publishing this photo of kamala harris anna wintour you are a terrorist you are going to be sent to fashion guantanamo you're one of us now you're a terrorist just like us welcome welcome to the revolution anna wintour

yes welcome to the resistance but they do they've done this thing with Kamala that um seems very focus grouped um because the sneaker thing I mean they were doing this during the primary yeah I mean she's basically a stock image she is like a stock image

if you googled uh president vice president in 2020 if you Googled that phrase in the year 2011, Kamala Harris with a watermark stock image dot com in front of her face would pop up. That red carpet picture where she's in jeans and high top. At Kidstock. Chuck Taylor's. Yes. She's on the red carpet for an event called kids stock i've posted this photo many times looking like an absolute lizard like an angel from heaven um but

they do they've done this thing with the sneakers for her since the since the primary it's like kamala and tim's kamala and chuck's kamala and you know nikes and at first i was like what it like what is it because she's black they're trying to do a like she's a sneaker head thing and then i realized that this is kind of kind of what you could call like the lizzo effect it's to give white suburbanites and an entry point into blackness. Yes. You know, that's like kind of racist stereotype. I can say it. I work Chuck Taylors.

You don't even have to go so far as to wear tings. Or like, oh, Kamala's a fashionista. Like, she loves those sneakers. Yas, queen. Anyone who's into prisons doesn't have a good sense of fashion. There we go, Jacques. I don't know about that also. Anyways, that's all I've got on the Kamala Vogue cover.

Boy, has he got anything else? Jacques, any other notes in your old diary? Literally, I've been having to use my thing because I left my fucking diary in the storage unit. What thing? Your phone. Yeah, I've been having to use this notes thing. You left it in the storage unit you were living in for a week.

No telling what kind of secrets. Actually, I think I texted myself these notes. Very smart. I texted me and then wrote these notes to myself. I'll just really quickly read them because I'm going to save them for the next episode so you don't need to get to it.

We're in no rush. I'm not, personally. What's your political party? Have you ever been to Hawaii? How many times have you had sex during quarantine? How many wars have you served in? Do you have mommy issues or daddy issues? Do you like McDonald's or Burger King?

Starbucks or Pfizer? Neopets or Xanax? I'm thinking the fit for all of these. Beanie babies or systematic racism? Hammer or Burger King? Starbucks or Pfizer? Neopets or Xanax? I'm thinking the fit for all of these. Beanie Babies or systematic racism? Hammer or chainsaw? Liberal or skateboard? Hang on. Go back.

I'm so confused about what you're talking about. Beanie Babies or systematic racism? You're going to have to expand a little on that. That seems a little bit too compressed. Huh? What? You can only choose one. Beanie Babies or racism?

Oh, so this is a list of ultimatums. God, okay. We're short on time, but do we have to choose? Yeah, you either get to be liberal or skateboarder. Which one are you going to be? No, no, no, no, no. I think you misunderstand.

I want to know why Beanie Babies are systematic racism. No, Beanie Babies are systematic racism. No, Beanie Babies or systematic racism. This is a list of ultimatum shock has written. Jesus. He's like, can he handle that?

I think when I was on Ambien, I wrote these as questions for a guest. We don't have a guest. nor are we planning on having one. I know. These are questions for the audience. This is a very thought-provoking podcast, I think. Exactly.

If you don't get it, then you're probably not thinking hard enough. Exactly. If you don't get it, you might need to up your Patreon level, and maybe then you'll get it. That is exactly what I was about to say Genius tier $50 a month I like your blue baseball cap, Max What blue baseball cap?

He's not wearing a cap Oh, you'll see What are you talking about? You'll see What? What is this? Are you photoshopping a picture of us? He's photoshopping a picture of us,'s photoshopping a picture of us oh my

god that's why you were quiet for so long you are evil so evil and i uh i told you i was having a depressed girl boss day and that you would have to carry the show and you took time to photoshop a picture of us it's a beautiful picture people i have i have one article one piece of media criticism criticism to end the podcast with is that okay yeah there's also that article about the guy who hacked the cock cages oh my god okay actually let's let's let's start with that which i haven't which i haven't read should i i can pull it up didn't he text them all saying something like your cock is mine this seems like something? This seems like something that would absolutely, one, happen to you, or two, you would do, Jacques.

Oh, yes. Jacques is, either way, Jacques is definitely involved. One second, let me find this. Oh, also, Trump went to the border wall today. Oh, yes. Do you want to do that while I find this? Yeah, yeah. today oh yes you want to do that while i find this yeah yeah so so trump has been like kind of a wall since uh like since he had his little twitter meltdown you know i mean it's it's ever since they uh this is the first time he's this is the first time he's been seen publicly appeared

publicly outside of like severely edited white house footage yeah he's like giving he's giving that like consent quote-unquote concession speech and it's just shot from like nine different angles and cuts every three seconds you know they had to give him like the same uh the same fucking the same kind of drugs he was on when he was like uh bisexual briefly like in october when he got covid uh like just to get him on the fucking podium and say like i'm i'm gonna step step down on january 20th you know like that kind of shit but yeah like he's at this photo op in uh in texas where they have built a very small section of the wall and it is literally like 20 20 yards long or something it's just enough to fit in the frame and like make trump look kind of small um it is fucking pathetic

like that's something you can just walk around but yeah that's the first thing that trump uh has been yeah that's not gonna that's not gonna stop anyone okay we can do the trump is six foot three i think he's six one yeah he's fairly tall he's he's over six tall but he's he's fairly tall all right a hacker a hacker took control of people's internet connected chastity cages and demanded ransom to be paid in bitcoin to unlock it this is honestly such a genius scheme yeah i love that because this is like you're too afraid to tell anyone this is that you're you who do you go to you literally have no one to go to unless you want to humiliate yourself with those on like your partner like uh like just made you do it like your dom was like but then also i guess on or whatever maybe people who are sexually

perverted enough to do this are also perverted enough to like call their mom and be like mom my cock cage has been hacked i need help russians hack my cock yeah your cock is mine now the hacker told one of the victims according to a screenshot of the conversation obtained by security researcher that goes by the name smelly and is the founder of vx underground a website that connects collects malware samples okay let me just say this if you're how could you be so kinky and so stupid to trust technology like i i would just like this like i would literally think oh if this can be you're more you're like you're like i'm a pervertvert, but I'm only an analog pervert. Yeah, of course.

I like VHS tapes. I'm not about to switch to something. Yeah, exactly. You're like a hipster pervert. Some kind of complicated cock hardware. I already have a problem with my own computer. Our guest for this episode is the hipster pervert. A victim who asked to only be identified as Robert said that he received a message from a hacker demanding a payment of 0.02 bitcoin around

750 dollars to unlock the device he realized his cage was definitely locked and he quote could not gain access to it fortunately i didn't have this locked on myself while this happened robert said in an online chat i wasn't the owner of the cage anymore so i didn't have full control over the cage at any given moment another victim who goes by the name rj told motherboard in an online chat rj said he got a message from the hacker who said they had control of the cage and wanted a payment to unlock it these hacks show once again that just because you can connect something to the internet it doesn't mean you have to jacques this is what you're saying yeah it's exactly what i'm saying you if you're gonna be

a pervert just be smart about it i mean like no wonder people do leather i guess what do you mean oh because it's yeah yeah yeah well the article's very short that was it um but yeah i mean be careful as jock would would advise you keep all technology out of your your kink play yeah i think i think anyone doing stuff should be should it's a fairly big phenomenon where we're like nowadays uh just companies love having everything every appliance absolutely everything be connected to the internet right which means like they could you know uh this is the security state at work y'all yes yes no this is literally just rsi off yeah um like you have like that shit on also everyone brings up like uh internet connected uh like uh fridges or whatever

so like so they can remind you like oh like it's time to buy milk because you're running low like that shelf is yeah you could waste less like you for the week ago from your fridge yeah yeah yeah and like what you know eventually what could happen is like best case scenario like literally this is the least worst case scenario is like your fridge gets hacked or like an update bricks it and like it just shuts everything off and like something oh you don't have a fridge anymore yeah like it's just a fucking big box that has a bunch of rotting food inside yeah like it's just a fucking big box that has a bunch of rotting food inside worst case scenario like it's it's a way for like hackers to like get into your network uh into your home and like you know look at your like baby monitor that's also connected jack up to your baby uh or whatever and on that note yeah and on for, thank you for listening,

everyone. We love you dearly. We love and appreciate you so much. I hope everyone gets to have a soft pretzel today from Auntie Anne's or Wetzel's pretzels. Oh God. That's so sweet. That's so sweet, Chuck.

You're welcome. I need to get some food. What do you think is named Wetzel? Like, who was that named after? Wetzel, Wetzel's pretzels. Shout out to my boy Wetzel over there.

Seems like an old black guy name. Honestly. Yep, that tracks. That definitely tracks. All right. Anything else, Rock, Max? Wetzel Walker. That's Christian Walker's dad.

His grandfather. There's never enough time in every day to get some sweet revenge. I wrote that down a few days ago. Have you enacted a revenge on someone? No, but I guess I'm craving it. every day to get some sweet revenge i wrote that down a few days ago i don't have you got have you enacted a revenge on someone uh no but i guess i'm craving it got it okay i'm always craving a little bit of revenge and a pina colada oh uh don't don't forget jock uh you wanted to plug our beautiful shirts right okay let me tell you guys about these fucking shirts we got this guy oh my god his name's you found someone who's willing to do copyright infringement for the shirts to print the disney

logo he's great he's he's incredible he makes a lot of video game apparel um you know non-existent video game apparel um i'll link his stuff, and his clothes are already hot. So, I mean, if you don't want to get a shirt of us, you're going to want one of his shirts. Probably. I'm sure. Do you want to tell people where they can find their shirts? Yes.

It's still TBD, isn't that a joke? Oh, okay. Is it safe to do it on Twitter, just on the messages? Yeah, yeah, it's absolutely safe to do it on Twitter so that's how we're doing it we're doing it that way legally this is all in Jacques name so if anything happens

Max and I will not be in trouble this is all going under the IRS if you are listening the IRS Jacques Gonsolin is the sole proprietor of this venture as well as the t-shirt venture. No, that's not even true. That is true.

Max cut his mic. Okay, she's dumb. And good night, everyone. Good night, everyone. Mwah. Cariño, bésame, amame. Cariño, házmelo ya, házmelo ya. Cariño, si me vas a agotar mi amor, bésame ya, bésame ya. Bye. Be vegan