Seeking Derangements - SD 483 - Devil's Advocate

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Hello Seekers! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse, and I discuss the fight I got into at Whole Foods while bleeding out of my face, Jacques refines his Squid Games-esque funeral plans, and Hesse tells us about the Oscars.

Hello, everyone welcome to the pasta. Jock is on his way, fifth recording late in a row. But the Don Diva will show up soon enough. I don't know if this is free or paid. Go subscribe to seeking arrangements. Patreon.com social seeking arrangements. We're sick of it. Just do it.

Just, we're fucking sick of it. I'm having to tell you. Come on, you think we like it. Um, I got into it, I made, I went to Whole Foods today, my first time back at Whole Foods since getting into a huge public spat there. And maybe I'll actually, I want Jock's opinion on this, so I'm going to wait until Jock gets here to explain exactly what happened. So we'll see. Are you excited for L.A.?

We're going to be in L.A. together, everyone. For the Chapo Live show, which is sold out, but we will all be there. I'll be there for the whole month. And I do want L.A. Rex. And I'm just going to say this now, if you're a gay guy with an Instagram account over 5,000 followers and you live in L.A., do not message me. I will not be hanging out with you. I thought you were going to say if you're a gay guy with an Instagram account over

the age of 18, don't message me. I'll just, you know what? I'll just broaden it. No gay men DM me. I only want recommendations from trans women, and cis women and straight men. I don't want any gay guy right. I'm not going to go to WeHo. I will be abstaining from all gay

thought locales in L.A. I will not be participating. It seems genuinely horrific. I would go to stuff like that's not full of like We should go to Sir I would go to Sir for sure

Yeah let's go to Tom Tom Let's go to Let's go to one of the Vanderpump Restaurants and get it The shittiest drink of all time Right It's like half melted ice By the time you get it

I mean I would love to like Get really Mexican of course I would love to go to like a gay Mexican dive bar that's not full But like Clones None of that shit Okay I don't want any

I don't want any of this gay Influencer Nonsense I will not be participating in that I refuse to, but I would like some recommendations. Or just, you know, if anyone wants to hang out in L.A., let us know. We'll be at the... The Chappalo show is sold out, so...

Yeah, unfortunately. Sorry, everyone. Jock Hessa and I have to prepare something. We should roast each other. That might be fun. If we got... Kind of what the show is. Well, no, because it's...

It's themed. You'll have to... You'll have to watch... I don't know. Oh, shit. Yeah. Mute that, mute that. I'll have to watch a movie, right?

Yeah. We all know I hate doing it, because I don't have to do it. The Matrix. The Matrix. Girl, I watched the Matrix and I got half, I got like 30 minutes into it and I was like, I don't care. No.

I'm sorry, I just didn't. You didn't go into the Matrix even yet. You didn't even go in yet. Nothing. I think it's because I'm too, like, stupid. I can't like suspend leave and I'm like, well, this is fake.

This is all fake. And they're lying to me. Wait, you didn't know? Actors are liars. The Matrix happened. It happened. It happened. well we're in it.

Oh, period. I know, that's right. Yeah, I'm not afraid to say it. We're in the Matrix, y'all. Would you take the blue pill or the red pill? The blue pill is the one that's like lib and you like are ignorance is kind of five. And red pill is like you see the truth, but at least you can like fight against it. Yeah, the red pill is like you can download shit into your brain.

Also, if when you take the red pill, you can just kill anyone on the road. And it's funny. I mean, I would take the red pill. Yeah, yeah, for sure. What's the down? outside of the Red Pill again? The world just sucks, but you can do anything? You realize the horrible truth that the world is like a computer game,

and, you know, if you're not a gamer. But then you can do anything in the game. Yeah, but it's also not really. You're trying to shut the game down is what you're trying to do. Okay, so then you're kind of on this, like, moralist, like, heroist, like, heroine's journey to, like, break out of the Matrix. That's what people are going to do. Yeah, you're trying to get everyone.

Never mind. No. I want to be able to kill anyone I want. I want to be able to teleport or whatever. But if I have to liberate all of humanity from the Matrix, I mean, I guess it would be pretty cool to do that. People would love you for it. So maybe I would be good at it.

I don't know. And you can do the moves outside the Matrix at the end, eventually. Like dodging bullets. Yeah, you can freeze the bullets and shit. It's going to be, it's crazy. It's going to be awesome. So the blue pill people are going to happen. It does seem pretty awesome.

So the blue pill people, are just like... They're just asleep. I know this conversation is literally like five years too late, but I genuinely have never really understood the like nuanced, the layers to this metaphor. Yeah, it's more like 25 years too late. Right.

Right. A movie from 2000. A movie from 1999. And so the black pill is just like nihilism. You just like don't care about it. Yeah, that's not in the movie though. That's something... Right.

That's a canon. Yeah. Yeah. The black pill, you take it and you become black in the Matrix. You've ever seen those peptides people are on to make this those really tan? I have. I've been watching some peptide videos where people do their stack. Angel Money was telling me about it, believe it or not.

She was like, you need to get your ass on whatever it's called. Don't tell Jacques that because that's going to be a field day. Right. But isn't it, it's like it increases your melanin production? Or increases your like. like sun hits you and you increase more, you produce more melanin, but you also are at like a much higher risk for melanoma. Girl, I don't know how it works.

That's true. That's what I read about it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that would make sense. But I mean, melanoma is not a big deal really, usually. It's the worst skin cancer. Wait, really? Yeah, it's the worst skin cancer.

But I don't think anyone's dying from melanoma outside of like Florida and Israel, probably. I thought you literally, you just go in and there. like, yep, tiny little guy right here, let's just take it, let's get rid of it, you know. Speaking of, you haven't mentioned my facial bandage. What happened? A fighted whole foods?

I was, I was bleeding out of my face at the Whole Foods when I got into the fight. Okay, Jacques type. That's why I was waiting for Jock. He's now a full seven minutes late. I wanted to tell him the story because it's very, very Jock-coded of me. Let me see if he's set.

I went on a different show, and I realized if Jock isn't on a podcast with me, I'm just like, become the Jock, because I'm like calling for people's death. Yeah. Literally bleeding out of my face. Yeah. Kind of agro. Yeah. Walking into your favorite restaurant with covered in blood and being like, don't even ask me what happened. Don't tell.

We're wearing a giant shirt that says, don't touch me. Maybe Jock is dead. Finally. So I was shaving my face. and I recently graduated like last year to use like a razor like an actual straight razor. Oh, congrats. Oh, that's gay. That's some gay shit.

Well, it's because I started getting more and more just like really just like dark single hairs all over my face. And it looks so nasty. And so I'm like, okay, I just need to get, let's get a actual razor. And I'll just save my whole face. Yeah. place the razor blade the night before I used it forgot that I had replaced it and I pushed down with the amount of pressure I was used to pushing with that dull ass razor blade and literally just you jokered yourself yeah you joker yourself it was really embarrassing you want to know how I got this scar I'm being gay retarded and literally having like no facial hair either it's on my cheekbone I'm not growing hair on my cheekbone yeah I don't know why I even started up there to begin with you were bone cutting instead of It's a new strategy.

Right. Where you shave the bone down a little bit, a little bit at a time. Just get it to peek out a little bit outside the skin, and then you do a little shaving. And then you could save the shavings and make broth out of it. And so then I was bleeding out of my face, and I'm like, well, whatever, I patched it up, and then I went to the grocery store, and I was in a bit of an agro mood. I'm going to wait until Jock gets here. Okay.

I'm going to wait. Because he needs to hear this, and I don't want to re-explore. in the meantime we can talk about Trump not a very great time for news nowadays but yeah I mean I've said all I really have to say about it we are living in like desire yeah yeah yeah that's for sure our reality does feel totally pretty consistent based around their needs and their desires

and it seems like the wheels on this have been being greased for quite a long time but I just something that I feel like like because now it's like, oh, the war with Iran is like, you said it was going to be over and it's not. You said it wasn't going to be a plan. Yeah, yeah. Well, but they were like, there's not going to be another supreme leader. There's not going to be another Ayatollah.

And then lo and behold, there is one, but. Well, same thing with Venezuela. They just replaced Venezuela with another member of the medival. But it's a more pliable government. Yeah, but it's not better for them. But like, with the, uh, with the, uh, the Iran, the new guy in Iran, they're like, but there is a catch. This guy's gay. And, well, and you blew up his father. Yeah. Like, his grandfather, I think. He is not going to be,

he's not going to be more inimable to American interests. You literally killed his whole family. Yeah, and then outed it. Injured him, I believe, in the strike as well. Yeah, you got to look his leg blown off, girl. He was in a coma. Damn. That's like, they created a gay bond villain. They created a gay terminator. Gay Iranian Terminator. Yeah, a gay jihad terminator. One of the most powerful beings I could imagine. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, literally, it's like the Muslim girl in the like infographics with one poly prosthetic leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's, and he's gay. And he's gay. Oh, my God. Do you believe that or do you think that this is, they're just leaking stuff?

I mean, I feel like this was a complete, this is like a complete, like low grade sciop because they don't have anything else while they're just spreading rumors that he's gay yeah they're literally like bottom of the barrel they're like we need a w so bad let's just say that he's gay let's say that he's gay as fuck and then literally like they were like Trump was couldn't stop laughing like every one in the administration was laughing so hard right speaking of being gay welcome to work diva hello I'm so I am really so, so, so sorry. My landlord was talking to me, trying to fix something electrical, and I got distracted.

I did not realize it. I was like, oh. Thank you for apologizing and not coming on here and lashing out at us or blaming us. What was your landlord fixing? I, okay, so you see the light behind me, the fluorescent light? The one that's usually blinking and very, very dim? Well, I never once noticed it blinking. I turned, I was sitting in my room a few nights ago and the wind was like ruffling around a lot.

We had like a wind storm. I didn't know if it was the wind or a raccoon in the ceiling or something, but the light started flickering on and off. This is the first time it's turned on in a year. Don't understand what was causing it. It was on for two and a half days and then it suddenly turned off out of nowhere. And I'm like, hey, I think there might be an electrical problem. Seems like your light bulb just went out. No, no, no, but the light, okay, the light bulbs have been completely full the entire time.

And it just, and it's like a brand new light bulb. Okay. It's a brand, it didn't work for years. Well, no, no, no. But like, like, I, when I moved in, I got new fluorescent light bulbs and I put them in. I just don't know. It's so crazy to me that you, for the record, I just want to. explain to everyone who cannot see Jock

and hasn't heard us explain this before. Is that a video episode? Jock, no. Jock has a large bedroom. Within Jock's bedroom there are two affixed overhead lights that do use the large long hospital hallway.

Hospital hallway lights and they are usually blue and they are so fucking harsh and medical. Yeah, they look like bug zappers. Yeah. It's insane. I can't imagine I mean, girl, if I first of all, I would never rent that room simply because of the lighting situation

in that. I would be doing insane like things. They'd be lamps. They'd be lamps everywhere. Lamps on lamps on lighting. My girlfriend's been begging me to get these like little lights that are supposed to dim to the daytime. Or like there's, do you know how?

Yes, because you need to reset your circadian rhythm and you need to be waking, you need a sun lamp that you stare into immediately upon waking up. Yeah. And you need to like get blue lights. blind from staring into the sun lamp like it's right right right I burned my face I decided I could stare into my at least I cut my face melted off I did cut my face drop I know I noticed at first and I was like did he burn it and then I remember the whole story about you burning cutting your face right before the game showing before interior motive's recording I was I was also active why do you say it like that interior interior interior

he says it like this interior interior interior interior interior interior And you say like interior. Okay. Yeah. Also, can Hessa, do you, I, you probably explained already, but why are you in the most beautiful, fabulous rock and grand piano house? This is your parents' house? Uh, no, this is the default background for this, uh, for this recording application.

I thought that was real. I thought that was real. And if you can't, you can't see. Hessa has a giant fireplace, a grand piano, three couches and what looks to be like the opening to, like, it looks. It looks right to me. I didn't even question it. I said,

Yes, Deva. Yeah, it's just like a... Mariah carry on. Girl, it's like you can see if I'm on. Right. Right. Um,

so no, Jock, I was actually waiting for you to show up. Thank you for waiting. I'm, again, I just want to, last time I'll say it.

I am really sorry. My landlord and I was talking before. Just, yeah. It's, I would also be late if I had to, you know, figure out my incandescent light bulb situation.

Okay. I would also, let me get my own. Before we move on really quick, Ben, I just remember my landlord sent me a video the other day, and I didn't click on it. Of you sleeping? No, this is the video. So this is China's America's got talent.

China's got talent. Y'all both have Chinese landlords? Yeah. Girl, I don't live in New York. I haven't lived in New York City for a year. I thought you still sublet your apartment. Me personally, no. I just assumed that you were.

I don't need to get into the details of my lease on the show. I do not live in Little Italy anymore. And they did, I did see that they took down the Welcome to Little Italy sign that was on Mulberry and Canal. That is now gone. Thank God. The one good thing to happen last week in the news. China pave Mulberry Street. I've been saying it for years.

I'm very sad. I miss this. It's already paid. Chinatown. Please take over. Raise Mulberry Street. I'm ready for you to talk about it. But when we're ready, I have some bad news to bring up.

I have, I want your, because, Chuck, you, I mean, we both get in a fair amount of public disputes. That's something we can. Oh, the Whole Foods incident. So I did get into a fight at Whole Foods and I'm curious about maybe you can tell me what I did wrong, what I did right, whose side you're on you. There's. I think, well, that's what I'm thinking. It's going to happen here. And maybe I was, maybe I was being crazy.

I was, my body was coursing with adrenaline because my face had an open wound and I was bleat. I was bleeding and it's kind of deep. I'm going to probably have a facial scar. I love that. Talk about gay bon villain. I'm going to be waking that up. Stop you for one second. I had my face cut open 11 times with knives medically.

Exactly. So you know, I was on my jaw gonsol and shit. And so I go to Whole Foods to get stuff, whatever, kind of, kind of a little manic, probably. And I'm leaving Whole Foods with my cart, loaded up with all my stuff. And in the entrance vestibule. vestibule. How do you say vestibule? Vestibule.

Yeah. Also, my jock-gonson should. Don't know how it comes work. On my malaparism, goncelain, she has diva. I can't even believe I could say that word fully out loud without... He slated. Malaparasm. Oh, fuck.

As soon as I tried to... Mariparasm, gonsolin. I was in the abutted cart, uh, grocery cart arcade in the mall of the... The whole foods. Yeah. And so as giving that, I'm, I'm still in the store. I'm trying to. believe there's this dumb corn ball-ass Christian couple suburban. This is West Des Moineswood. It's

like, it's just giant McMansions full of heinous, heinous corn-fed retards. They should all die. I hate all of them. They are antisocial maladroit freaks. I genuinely really hate that. Like a maladroint, that's a great word too. Yeah. I would press a button and eliminate them all. Parity, but I would. So this dumb thing. bitch, this dumb, stupid bitch is on her phone, cart sideways, blocking all foot traffic with her boyfriend. And she's looking down at her phone. She's leaning on the cart, like she's going to be parked there.

She's taking a pit stop. Yeah. Blocking all foot traffic. And then she's like, scrolling on her phone. And she's like, what do we need for the dinner tonight, James? And her boyfriend is just like, like mumbling at her. They both fucking hate each other. So I stand there.

And I'm going to, I say, you know, I'm going to let this bitch. I'm going to give her a long leash so she chokes herself. I'm going to stand here for 10 seconds. Yeah. It's like I was, it's like I was dead. Yeah. No, no, no spatial awareness. Like a shark before it attacks, kind of.

Your eyes rolled back into your head. I'm standing there with my cart. They don't acknowledge me at all. And I said, excuse me, lady, excuse me. And they both look at me. And she's like, I have a bloody face. Like, I have a bandage on my face that is covered in blood.

Yeah. Describe what they look like, too, actually. She had, she was very much giving like brunch mama. She was dressed like Christian girl autumn, even though it's winter. High, Luke Skywalker boots. What, that. Well, it's still very much winter here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I was just, high, high, fake leather boots. tights, scarf, zip up hoodie, and a hat. Her husband, was she fine. She was, you know, if you're into that. It was kind of Bavarian milk made kind of Midwest. Okay, Pierre, so yes. I'm just, I'm like really loving the story.

And then her husband was wearing a shirt that had the outline of the state Iowa, the state of Iowa on it. And then in font in the middle, said a native, just like the most polyester, Heather Gray, cancerous, piece of crap shirt that he had on with like slacks and sneakers. Yeah. And the boyfriend looks at me. I scare the fuck out of the woman.

She gets out of the way immediately. And, like, it's behind her boyfriend now. And he's like, whoa, cool it, buddy. He's like, that's the worst thing. I don't call me, buddy, cool it, buddy. If anyone ever tells me, buddy, I think it's bad enough when people tell me to be quiet or to calm down. Tell me to cool it and you add buddy to the in a buddy.

Don't ever fucking call me, buddy. I am not your fucking friend. I'm not your buddy. Well, guess what's not going to happen now, sir? I'm not cooling it, faggot. So I gave that to him, but I was just like, you can't take up all this space. This is a public space.

People need to come and go. You've been blocking this for 30 seconds. I've been standing here. This is rude. And the guy was just like, we didn't know. And I was like, you're in public. This is not your truck. This is not your house.

You need to act with other people in mind. And he was like, I don't understand where you. This is what, 10 seconds of your time? What's that worth? And I was like, it's worth more than you got to match it. And then he was like, do I need to get the manager over here? And I was like, in the meantime, you should teach your girlfriend how to drive a car. Bitch. Okay.

This is kind of a crazy. Wait, you said, did you say bitch? I called him a bitch. Oh, okay. Oh, wait. Ben, I feel like this is to fully. Yeah, Jacques, let's hear your take on this. One thing first is that I'm, I don't.

don't, I feel like the boyfriend thinks that you're calling his girlfriend a bitch. No, he knew I was calling him. He was looking at him. Yeah. Oh. I said, bitch. I pointed out of him. Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay. Well, then, Keza, your thoughts. I want to come back. Well, I think that maybe like right away when she was in your way, you should have just been like, excuse me. And then, like, she would have moved. And then, you know, everyone has a nice day.

I actually am all. Okay. So I was like. Okay. For the record, I had a great day after that. It was refreshing. It was. So refreshing. I drove home with beaming from ear to ear. Because you know what I did? It was a civic good. It was for the, it was for the greater good. It was to help the people of Des Moines, in particular at the Whole Foods in West Des Moines. Because someone needs to teach these suburban, anti-social freaks how to act in public. Unless someone yells at them like that, they won't notice. This is the type of couple of you're walking down the sidewalk. They are walking instead. They're aligned.

Right. Like an Italian. Like a Italian. Super slow. super slow and you can't get past them if you're behind them and if you walk towards them from the front of them they don't even move you have to get your gay little ass into the street to go around them because they matter so much these people are absolutely horrendous and someone needs to be yelling at them in public uh that's why i was happy i felt i felt like fucking malcolm x what did you fist fight okay period um did you fist fight i did it that was the end of the confrontation I got so excited there's going to be some fighting. I want to say that I am.

Initially, I was going to be on their side just by default. But now that I've heard the story, yeah, this is a huge problem with society. It is. It is incredibly large. It's part of a larger problem. The the, the, the outside surface problem is people in grocery stores need to fucking. need to fucking keep it moving. We are not, if there's someone behind you,

if there's someone walking towards you, and this is for the airport too. Get the fuck out of the way. Do not walk slow. Just be aware of your surroundings. And like, especially in grocery store, you know what I do if I need to go to hunt for something? And I don't know what aisle it's in

and I'm going to have to peruse and, like, look around. I park my cart near a stand in the middle of the aisle that I know no one is going to, has no interest in, you know, for sale. like bakery cookies. No one's, no one's ever there. It's the least obstructive place to park a cart. I'll park the cart. I'll go speedwalk around, I'll find little items, and I'll go back to the park. I'm not wheeling that thing around the whole time, you know? The bigger problem

is that this is specifically the lack of social, spatial awareness is a problem of scale and specifically in a suburban context is because these people all have big mansions. They all have giant trucks. They They view their home as their castle as its own discreet sovereign nation. That extends to their truck and their vehicles and even to their shopping cart. You know, it is this really, really heinous atomization that I find to be, if you did this in China, you should be executed. You'd be executed and I would support that. It means an assault on social harmony and efficiency.

Yeah. Well, I probably would have handled it differently, but you are. my fearless leader, Ben. And so I do feel honor bound to take your side and to help you in this feud. I think that what you should do, something you should do is

you should go follow them home. You're going to like this plan. And it's a multi-step plan, but I think you're going to really enjoy it because it plays through a lot of your skills. But you follow them home. You take a look at their house. You take a picture. of it, okay? And then

you take the picture home and you make a shirt that has an outline of their house and it just says native across the front of it. The Israeli response. Yeah, yeah. And then on the back, and then on the back it says something like

and I'm Andrew Jackson or something, you know. Right. Who killed a bunch of Native Americans. The back says I'm Andrew Jackson's and then it's got one of those 1776. Right. Yeah, I mean, yeah, of course I could have been nicer, but at some point, there's only so much you can do. And there's only so much shit you can take from these fucking freaks who don't know how to act in public.

Devil's advocate counter argument. What is getting, what is being nice get you? But let's save that for another time. Oh, that's my argument, basically. Yeah, and you're the devil. Period. I am the devil's advocate. This is the, okay, what I mentioned about people not moving out of the way, it's part of a large,

problem with society today. The problem with society today is generalized that people across the world have stopped caring about their neighbors, the people that they have to walk past, the people they interact. It's like, this is why there's more drunk drivers. This is why there's more people speeding because they think that their time is more important than your time and that they should have to bend their entire schedule to fit Europe. Yeah. Which is bullshit. It's selfish. Yeah. And I learned this because I'm selfish. and I used to do this. Oh, yeah.

You used to try to bend. You don't have a truck. So that's kind of how with me. Yeah, you, I feel like you're, you think you're not, you don't do selfish things anymore, Jock. I mean, I think it's not that I don't think. I don't think that you can't do anymore, like drunk drive. Well, I never drove. I only drove a car twice, so I wasn't really driving.

You operate a vehicle under the influence quite often. What vehicle? Roller skates and your body. Yeah. I've been classified as a vehicle. But I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not out of control. I'm not fucked up. Yeah.

You're incredibly gracious. No, from Ben. And then I heard a yeah from Hessa. So I am fucked up. I'm agreeing with, no, I said, yeah, you're not fucked up. She's like, no, you're not fucked up. I was like, damn. I said, no, yeah, you're fucked.

You're not fucked up. You're fuck. Yeah. No. That was my whole food talk. I knew I'd get you. I knew you'd end up. being on my side because we I think both of us are plagued by straight couples who don't know how

to use their bodies here's my first actually new plan okay you say oh I'm sorry if I was in your way ma'am you go to the dairy aisle you get a full gallon of whole milk you open it and you pour it on her head all at once and you say oops I'm sorry you just were standing there so long I thought you wanted some milk okay I just I mean, that would really help freak them out. I think also you should have gotten a picture of them. And then I was kind of surprised they didn't go Eddington and like pull out the phone. That would have been amazing.

Oh, I would have gone 10. Yeah. Oh my God, I have a video of you. Yeah. You want a gay man to calm down? Oh, put him on stage. That'll help. Yeah.

And on the seeking derangements live being like, this couple would not move out of my way in the grocery store. And now they are a. No, I would go live to camera they're filming. Yeah, I would be like, oh, you want, oh, I'm going live by meme page, bitch. And you're going to get tossed. You're about to get fucked.

Native. You're going to get fired from your MLM job, cunt. But yeah, I mean, that was my, that was my run in. Multi-level marketing. I thought men love men. Well, that's her boyfriend,

you know what I'm saying. I was thinking about how I should have just told the girl. I should have been like the best way to get at them would be to go up to the guy and be like, why haven't you? Who's this? Oh my God. Like we spent three days to go here.

What is going on? Wait for her to say his name and then be like, Jared? That's a good prank. That's like funeral prank level. Oh, that could have destroyed the relationship. I'm going to keep that one for the next time. I see two people walking. And you're wearing the shirt.

I got you. Right. Yeah, yeah. I used to sometimes go to random people's funerals when I lived behind a funeral home at my dad's house. And you would do pranks? Well, no, I never was, I was never brave enough to pull the prank. But there was a list of questions you ask people at the funeral as pranks. Or if someone walks up to you. Okay, so you go to a funeral and someone walks in a piece.

You made this list? No, I just found it online a long time ago. And it was like, one of the things on the list was like, If someone walks up to you and they say, oh, how did you know the person here? You're like, oh, well, I was their gay lover. Right. Or just like stuff like this, like you would say that you're like, oh, yeah, he owed me money. So I'm just, I'm here to meet his family and collect.

There were so many funny things on this list. Yeah. That's like there was a comedian who did a bit of like hiring like a random actor like Ving Rames to show up at your funeral and just sob at your casket. and all your friends are like, was he friends with Vingraim? Like, what the hell was that? I want to become a tree. I want to do that thing where they put your body on wrap, just kind of loose, naked, and the ground, and then they plant a tree on top. You, I want to do that way.

Ew, so there's a skeleton under the tree. That is so gross. That would be beautiful because. Then the tree becomes me, honey. Jacques and I would carve. The tree becomes heinous, heinous, evil, gay. The tree drops apples on straight couples. Jobs apples on pink street walking, walking side to side.

Yeah, it falls on. It falls on Rogerbilly bitches. I'm 50 years old and Ben is dead and I'm walking underneath the tree that his body was buried under. And the tree whispers fatty as I walk underneath it. It's like one of those old ancient trees that like speaks. But whenever it sees a woman, it's like, oh, that skirt is a little too big for you. Wait, do you think there are old Asian trees? trees that speak?

Ancient. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That just gave me such a, such a loud. I mean, it is kind of Chinese mystical. I can actually pull up a picture of the. Glore myth, you know, to be like, oh, the tree told me this. I know a live Asian tree I can show you.

Uh-oh. What do you mean? Mortal combat living tree. Right. There's so much. I feel like there's so many like trees with faith. that speak wisdom. Oh, the tree that you can, you can fatality people by feeding them to the tree, Jacques.

Yeah, look how scary. Like, if you were in a woods and this, this was Ben, speaking. I still see it. The picture is like a giant... Just planted there harassing everyone who walks past it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Mortal Kombat 2, they started having the lost woods, or the woods stage, and it was these giant trees with like human faces on it. and I hope you want to be shot out of a cannon when you die yeah I think it would be fair

well okay I think it would be fair to share I think it would be fair equitable for all involved well my initial my initial thing was that I wanted in the middle of the obituary services there to be a moment a prank moment an after death everyone pause for the prank No one pauses. No one's aware of the prank from me. I've purchased a special coffin that I bought and assembled before dying. And the coffin is essentially a jack in the box. And at one point, they're going to say, and now please, we're going to open the casket for the ceremony.

And the little churn, the little thing that opens the casket. As soon as they get to the end, it starts going to dun, da-d-dun, da-da-da-da-da-da-dun. And then my body flings across the funeral home and whoever catches me gets married. Dies next. Yeah, dies next. Mary's next. Mary's on a pack. No, no.

It's a good luck thing. It's a good luck thing. And it's killed instantly. It's a double wide. It's a double wide gasket just to account. If you can stay buried with the jog, because Chuck doesn't want to be lonely in the afterlife. He's like, I can't pick who has to be buried with me. So whoever my big body lands on, you're coming into here with me, honey.

And you know what, Jacques? Jacques, I have a good idea for you to up the effectiveness of this prank. Is that you come out on the second verse of the Jack in the Bot? Because no one's going to be expecting that. Boom. Don, da- dun- dun-dun-da-dun-dun-da-dun. dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and everyone's like okay i guess nothing is going to happen then yeah yeah you can wash out shot out like a faucet it's also gonna it's not gonna it's not gonna burn my body

or anything but it's gonna make the noise it's gonna make the noise of a cannon no so it's not even like a catapult where jock is like flying in an arc he shoes straight out of the bottom Straight. Straight. I want it. People get ripped in half. I want the catapult style because then my body's going to fling more. The catapult style would be funnier.

Well, I mean, then we're talking about sinkhole. Then we're talking about it. Well, it's not trying to go that far. It's not going to fall that hard. Whoever catches me...

It's going to kill someone. Whoever catches me gets... Whoever catches me gets the good luck of getting married. And if you, if you don't catch me, me but you break a bone then you get to have two kids okay okay it's a um but look i cannot wait to avoid your funeral for fear of i'm gonna be wearing like one of those rain ponchos like you were in the front row like a gallager show yeah yeah i'm showing up in a fucking tank i'm gonna be watching your

funeral from an SUV i'm gonna be open casket just like this and and and hessa's gonna go wait this is not galager's funeral that would happen when you fly through the air yeah the on the long back bolt Yeah, that would be beautiful. Okay. See, what I'm picturing is the casket is like head facing the audience, you know, like the head part of it is facing the audience and they close the casket and everyone's sitting there quietly. It's all sad. And then slowly a door like slides open and you see the top of Jacques.

Like a cannon on a ship. Yeah, yeah, literally, like a cannon port on a ship. And like everyone's looking at Jacques's head and they're like, what the, is that supposed to happen? And then you start hearing, da-d-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dun. And then you're seeing the ball to top of the scalp. It's just there in silence for a few seconds first. And then the song starts playing. And then the coffin is on a mechanized table that scans the crowd.

People are all running from sight to side of the room. Like a thing. Like a missile's going to happen. And they're all like, they're all trying to touch it. Yeah. That's why it goes on the second verse. Give him time to run. Just squid games.

Yeah. The doors are locked. We get a funeral audition. Okay. Giant iron locks slide out all of the doors. The window shut. The lights go out. So even though I've had a lifelong,

a lifelong feud with veterans, I will be including veterans in my funeral. I will. Well, that's, it's my funeral. Why do you mean why? It's my funeral. I get to decide. I just, I don't understand why choose to,

Why choose to squash the beef with veterans upon your death? I have an idea. I want to go to heaven with the zero beefs left on earth. Have you guys, have you guys ever seen the video? Better start now. Have you guys ever seen the video from the Howard Stern Show of the woman setting the record for most orgasm? In like a period of time, I forget. And she's like going like, one and having another one.

one, two. Oh, she's on them. The biggest freaking liar. Yeah, I'm, I'm, I think Jacques should have a 21 come salute where it's a woman on a Symbian, like, going like, one and two. No, she's, she's also there. She's just behind the, uh, the coffin slash cannon. Yeah.

And she, the, the, when the, when the coffin starts scanning the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A 21 come salute. Let me just get back to how I want, I want, I want, 15 Marines Right To be like Get up

Ten How right And you want them to do The Gay Little Dance with the spinning the gun They went They go and they're They're pall bears at first

And then they put down The coffin Because they put my body back in At this point in the coffin After it's been shot out The first time Their uniform should be covered And vomit to commemorate

The time you got kicked Out of a mall While wearing a veteran military regalia and then puked all of yourself as a defense mechanism. That was on here. That was awesome. That was awesome. That was awesome.

That was that, you know what? That same security guard, he would see me in the mall and he would walk away from me because he was like, not doing that again. Not don't care. Not. Girl, see, that's how you win. This episode is in conflict, not resolution, but I should. Achievement. Conflict tactics.

I should write a book called How to Win. Puk on your next time a security card dress through Prak you want to the mall. The art of horror. So the Marines, the Marines, everyone's outfits are yellow. Head to toe yellow suits, yellow dresses. I want it all yellow for my funeral. And that like it's going to look like Dick Tracy cosplay convention in this place. Dick Tracy wore a yellow coat.

Yeah. Yellow suit. And then would they bring my, the, they, Paul Bearer, walk the Marines to put it down on the ground. They get their rifles. They start spinning them all around like the junior ROTC. And then my suddenly with no warning, they go, or I guess the warning is like that chip.

And they all shoot their gun at the same time. As the guns shoot off, the cannon that is hit it in my coffin shoots a second time. This time my body flings to the next thing. How does it get back into the cannon? Do they put it back in? Don't ask question. Another Jacques, another Jacques gets loaded into the can.

Another, you see another bald head kind of loaded into place inside of the conference. The first doc was a decoy. It was just a dummy. It was Mr. Noodle. Yeah. Yeah, it was a decoy. Gotcha, bitch. Okay, but look, this is the other thing.

We're going to, we're going to have my, uh, my funeral on state on the edge of the Louisiana, Texas state lines, and the funeral is going to be in Louisiana. And at the end of the funeral, I don't, I don't, I'm not geography in this, but look, Free Paul. Well, look, it's going to be on the border. And they're going to shoot my body from the Louisiana state all the way over to the Texas side

so that my body can be returned from where it was born, Dallas, Texas. From whence it came. Yeah, right. Dallas Texas. Island Park, Dallas, Texas. Highland Park. Richie Rich over here. Okay.

I'm not Richie Rich. I have girl born in Highland Park. Girl. Do people, do rich people look this bald? No, they go to Turkey. So. There, I, um, mm. Jack Nicholson.

Okay. Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos, Richest Man in the World. Would you ever be like, you're like describing me to someone, like one of your friends? you're like, oh, Jacques. Did I say he's the sion of a Louisiana abortion clinic? Well, you're like, oh, he's fat, he's, you know, he's retarded. But he's also rich.

Would you ever call me rich? I would call you a rich kid. I would call you. He's a rich kid. I don't know enough about Jock to call him a rich kid, but I would say that Jock has a kind of cat on a hot tin roof style southern. Southern family of some of you. influence.

Right. Completely. It's like a eccentricity to the degree that Drach has. I mean, I was usually something born of,

you know, very stable. I was born from a good family doing well. So yes, I guess I, but I personally am not rich. Yeah,

well, also, I have access to my family's money. I don't, I mean, I don't for a second think you are personally rich.

That's why I said rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that also like the Sawyer family from the Texas chains Massacre, they're technically rich in the second one.

You know, they have a big theme park and shit, and they win the barbecue contests. They have a chain of barbecue restaurants. Well, as explained in Texas Chainsaw the next generation, they are actually incredibly rich, wealthy family, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Murder Family, because they are being paid off by the Illuminati to keep committing these murders. That is what is established in Texas Chainsaw next generation featuring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McCona. Yeah, and Matthew McCona. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Or how do you say?

Can you say René's last name again, please, Chuck? Renee Zellweger? He said it right. That's how you say it. It's so stressful to say. I heard, I heard something. Yeah, I mean, it's when you've got to be careful with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to be, you got to be gentle. I, you're, you're, thinking of movies has to, how do the Oscars go? The Oscars, they went fantastic, except we had a few notable losers. now you see me now you don't

didn't win anything and that was probably my movie of the year what was that about that one is basically a team of magicians I can't believe you didn't know this do a big heist it's Jesse Eisenberg

Lizzie Kaplan Isle Fisher Woody Harrelson Justice Smith for my Zelda TV glow Dominic Dominic Sessa from the holdovers. He sounds hot. He is hot. He's amazing in it. He's like really good in it.

Rosamund Pike does the worst South African accent of all time or the best. She's kind of freaky. She's the, she's such a good actress, but she is like, if you showed her a good movie and you were like, do you want to be in this? She'd be like, no. I want to be in a much worse movie than that. Right. Right. Right. Well, basically, the best picture winner was one battle after. another which is a great film. Have you guys seen that yet? I've seen it. I kind of found it to be a little um too woke not too woke per se I kind of the politics of the movie were kind of fine with me but I was just like I get it the kind of like romanticization of like California Berkeley lefty compound

revolutionary I just like I'm like I've known people like this and they're they're not doing that Well, they're fucking losers, though, in the movie, though. You know? They're totally fucking ding-dongs. Right. But it's like they're kind of like noble losers. Well, yeah. Being left wing is a noble.

I kind of found the romanticization of like being a like principled and like noble, ineffective in some way like left is. I don't know. I don't like the idea of like taking, taking comfort in your, um, ineffectual political maneuverings. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the whole point of the movie is that by the end, he's like totally given up

and he's like, fuck. And then, but he's like, you know, my mission, I'm just like, got to be a dad. I got to go find my daughter. You know what I mean? I guess they do end up killing the guy. I only saw the jungle pussy scene and that was like really cool,

but I didn't see any. I'm going to be honest, I didn't see a single movie on the Oscars list. if I was going to watch any... I thought Tiana Taylor looked amazing. Oh, my God. And one battle after another, I'll see that much. And on the red carpet.

She's so beautiful. Oh, my gosh. And on the red carpet. She's gorgeous. She looked amazing at the Oscar, the Vanity Fair Oscars party, too. Well, also, the, I was watching the E. Uh, pre- Oscars show when all the, like, people were arriving. And it's the funniest pre-uskers show to watch because it's like all of these straight

women and gay guys. like sitting around a table being like I would sit on Nicole Kidman's face. Right and it's like no you wouldn't you can just call her a queen. Yeah I don't need to be like I would fuck the shit out. Yeah what are you fucking about. Dude just the idea like no you wouldn't like you wouldn't stop lying. Yeah gay guy like the gay guys were like I would totally be straight for Tiana Taylor right now and it's like that's kind of insulting like I don't think any woman wants to hear like a gay guy wants to have sex with you. Right, as if she'd have

sex with you. Yeah, literally. What are talking about them? And, uh, yeah, all the straight women are like, uh, I'm questioning my own sexuality right now. Um, now I'm thinking about Nicole Kidman eating out of Twink's ass. I'm sorry. That's just what, that's just what, period. That's the image. So the movie eyes wide shut.

Well, I was thinking that's what the plot of baby driver, baby girl, whatever was. Mm-hmm. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. So, but, look, um, um, If I was going to watch any of the movies listed on the Oscars, like if I only could watch one movie, it's definitely not going to be Surat. That looks incredibly depressing.

I'm sorry, everyone who keeps trying to tell me to watch that. I'm not going to watch it. It looks too sad. What is Sarat? It's like this is. It was one of the nominees for Best International Feature, and it's just like an incredibly depressing, high tense.

It's just something I wouldn't normally watch. If I want to watch any movie, I want to see if I had legs, I'd kick you, and Rose Byrne was nominated to be the... I haven't seen that movie. It looked like she did a really good job in it, but... Yeah, everyone's told me that looks awesome, and it's, like, very difficult to watch because it's... I don't think it even looked good. I was like her acting looks as good in it, but I'm like, this isn't something I care about. I'm sorry.

It doesn't look like my type of beat, I'll tell you. But she did get beat by Jesse Buckley, Jesse Buckley from who was in Hamnet. where she played William Shakespeare's bitch wife This is what I don't like about this year's Oscars So Marty Supreme Came out two weeks after

It turned 2026 Why? Well, that's how the Oscars show. No, I'm just sorry, I'm sorry Why are we going to give a movie That's only been out for two weeks The Chance to Compete? Well, it lost.

Everything was nominated for also. Good because Timothy Shalma Gay. I also couldn't finish that. I got 45 minutes into it and I was also like, wait, I don't give a shit what happens at all. I wouldn't watch a fucking minute about that because it looked like a movie that's meant to swindle you. Like Megapolis or like, it's just like a movie made to take your money and for the director to go, I've had my way with you. Well, I struggle watching Timmy in anything because he just makes me feel ugly.

because it's like, oh, you're looking at this weird version of yourself that everyone loves and is hotter and cooler than you. Yeah, that's me with any trans woman. Right. I'm like, I'm not what this is torture. This is torture for me. Even with your face defigurements, you still are prettier than Timothy Shalmage. I think he's, I mean, he's not my type at all, but he has better facial heart. No, he has the face of a nerd that got beat up in high school, not someone that deserves love.

I like his swag. I need a Kylie. I need a big busty Latina girlfriend. You should date Rosalia. I would not. I hate Rosalia. Period.

But I just, you said big booty Latino bitch. If Jeffrey would say no, I would totally say no. I don't like her. She has like weird golden retriever theater kid energy. Jennifer Lopez,

she invites you to... Love Jay-Lo. She wants you to engage in a marriage of falseness and marriage just for money. Yes, would I be J-Lo's beard? She's after Ben's money.

Well, she's getting with Ben to get back at Ben Affleck. She's like, oh, I have a new Ben now, and he's much better than the first Ben. I really felt for Ben in that relationship. I'll be honest. I'm like, I know what it's like to have a Latino. partner was a lot harder than you who tried to destroy your life

and has you wrapped her on their finger Ben there Ben so I was on his side there but I was also like Jaila's a queen she's completely and totally insane Caitlin Jenner doesn't have any Latino in her right Caitlin Jenner? None of them are Latina I didn't know if as her mom they passed it down no Chris Jenner is like Welsh

or something crazy it all comes from Ralph Kardashian their ethnic features. And then Kylie, I don't know what's going on with Kylie, how she looks so like Levantine or like Latino. Because she's Armenian. She got the Armenian genes. No, Kylie is Bruce and,

and why am I blinking on the mom? Some of the cum was still in there. Chris. Yeah, Kylie is Chris and Caitlin. Some of the thumb was in there. So there's no Armenian there at all. Well, some of the cum was still in the... Some of the cum was still in the kitchen.

And then we all know Chloe is OJ's daughter. I love when they leave icing in the bowl. Period. Yeah, but I've always wondered what the providence of Kylie's ethnic features, because it doesn't make any sense to me. Yeah. Probably that's just science. She went to doctors and was like, turn me, yeah, turn me, you know.

I agree with that. It is science, but it's not because doctors, altered her after she was born. The doctors were laboratory generating these two children to become money machines. If you could get plastic surgery to change her to look ethnic in one way or another. Not race, not change your race, but like change your ethnicity, if that makes sense. I want to be... What would you change and what would you try to emulate?

If I could, this is already sounding incredible... Chinese? No, it's Ari. I just, what I have in my head is not gonna come out good, but I'll just go ahead and say it. I held back too much to this episode. So, I would like to be exactly like, kind of like an Australian albino. Okay. Whoa. So like, it's like very, it's like Aboriginal, like an Aboriginal person with Albino. I guess maybe I'm just trying to think of the most dramatic albino look okay interesting that I want to look like that I want to look like that I mean it would not work on you because they have very distinct features but I guess you could get

the plastic surgery I could yeah with enough money see if there's an app is there a yeah you can do it to make me look out by now if it looked good I would really love to have more facial hair simply because it I mean it truly is makeup for men And because you don't, your, your face is going to be completely gone if you keep shaving. Like you keep going, like you've been going, you know. Exactly. Wait, so, yeah, that was another thing. Again, I'm sorry you hurt yourself.

That sucks. Also, I had my face cut open 11 times and you're like, oh, I got a boo-boo shaving. Hey, we all have different lines. Well, you did react a lot differently. You did present it a lot differently to us. Me? No, Jacques. it was a lot more dramatic and more

I thought Ben was being more dramatic for sure okay sound off in the comments I mean I was being extremely dramatic after I did it it would start to be bleeding out of your face you know

people just let us know in the comments which side you thought you chose either Ben you have certainly been through more facial trauma than I have I am not contesting that's not what I'm saying let people in the comments let us know if you took the people

who were operating the grocery cart or Ben's side. Yeah. And we're going to do a tally. And if Ben gets more tallies than the people, I will give Ben $10. And if the people get more tally, I'm going to donate

$10 to the retarded foundation of Iowa. Okay. The term of the foundation of Iowa that's incredible. Well, I guess who runs it? Oh, period. Is this free or Patreon. I beat you again, Gonsolin. I run the recharge foundation for Iowa. My long con.

Okay, also, here's another one. If I could change my physical appearance to look like anything else, I think in order for me to become one of the world's top spies, I would like to be genetically and prosthetic, effects made to look like someone that's like retarded and that way I could oh wow okay I could go in disguise maybe this is gone too far well I don't think it's offensive I just think you're kind of too late you don't think you're finding you're finding a need that doesn't exist yeah yeah no no no imagine how would you do how would they do that they you're wearing a triple X-l tight t-shirt so you're saying I already

And okay also I know that I talk about my shirt sizes a lot, but the fact that he looked at this fucking t-shirt knew that it was a two-xel fucking annoying. He's a shirt expert. It's not even that big. It's pretty big. It's huge. It's so like big mama's house shirt. Oh my God.

Actually, wait, change all of my answers. I wish they could just. I like they put me under. And I wake up as Medea. Yes. Okay. Period. You would be such an iconic Medea.

I mean, she's cage. Well, she's real. Okay. Here's the new plan. First of all, I apologize for saying retarded so much and saying that I would want to turn into one. Second. Thank you. Okay. Parody.

Assassinate Tyler Perry and go in his place as a clone of Medea and take over the Tyler Perry franchise and come out as a trans woman. So Tyler Perry will become Tileria Perry. That's not just Medea. Oh, yeah. We'll just get Medea. Medea. That's actually so much easier.

Medea Perry, I transform. And would you act like Medea all the time 24-7? Yes. Yeah. And Tyler Perry completely. Tyler Perry sells. You better be acting like Medea all the time. In shocking news today, Tyler Perry sells his entire company to himself, the transgender woman, Medea.

I don't think you would have to do that. If you transition, you have to sell all your things to yourself. Maybe so. We may never find out. But everyone out there, thank you so much for listening today. Thank you all. This is a free episode. I don't fucking know.

But if you're a patron, we love you, Diva. Yeah, please keep subscribing. and please keep engaging, clicking the likes, giving us comments. Yeah, tell us who you agree with in the conflict. Yeah, and hopefully I get $10 from John. Tell us if you think what movies you think should have won Best Picture.

It was Solo Mio, the movie directed by Seven Beautiful Brothers. If you think that could have won or should have won, let us know. Honestly, you know what should have won? This is my last comment tonight. What should have won is the 1985 movie Howard the Duck. that would have been the shocker of the Oscar that would have been the talk of the season

Howard the Duck re-released in silence in the middle of the night silent no audio track and it wins no one knows that's been released

and re-released and then it would really subvert expectations yeah but we won't subvert expectations on you listener we will be back later this week until then

goodbye you guys bye All the fault you You know I'm not so for to Oh my My name I'm going I'm going to know

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