Seeking Derangements - SD 503 - The Cat and the Fat

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Hello Seekers! Ben here, today Jacques Hesse and I discuss starting a full service wedding company, play a very revealing round of Fuck, Marry, Kill, and get into a debate about sandwiches

everyone welcome to seeking derangements um this is a free episode of of the podcast if you want to hear more go subscribe to our patreon for weekly bonus episodes jocke has laid two episodes in a row let's start that count right back over we're at two um but hess is here with me of course how's it how's it going hello darling good good yes i'm just a little bit distraught because of uh the amazing euphoria finale oh yeah i heard she died yeah And that bitch is dead. Okay. I heard she's dead.

I heard she got hit by a semi-truck. Yeah. You know, I used to be so addicted to fentanyl. And then I saw the finale episode of Euphoria. And I realized, oh, wait, it's so bad for you, you know? Literally. Yeah. It's very funny.

I never, I never watch it because I'm just like, I don't know. I'm kind of, unfortunately, like, Gen Zia and Intel in this way, where I'm like, I don't like watching shows that are just about sex. Yeah. I find it to be boring where I'm like, okay, not another sex scene. I don't care. Yeah. Which is a little shameful, but I never got into it.

I think it's funny as like a cultural kind of object just because it's like, first of all, it's based on an Israeli show. Oh, is it really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Israeli show called Euphoria. and it literally they were like, yeah, this is great. Let's do this. There's this article about the last episode that's like,

Euphoria is kind of like the Israel of TV shows. Speaking of kind of like Israel, welcome to work, Jacques, Oncelain. How's it going? Welcome, Jacques. Welcome to work, Stephen. And welcome. I am at a hotel in Grass Valley, California.

Okay. Brackardt. Yeah. Braggert. Braggert. This is not, I love this town. It's very quaint. It's not somewhere to brag about either.

How is the, do DJ a wedding? Yes, the wedding was right outside my door. Um, they booked me. The, so this hotel has a venue property on it. And the backside of this, um, hotel has like an upstairs rooftop venue. And my room is the only, room on the same floor as the venue next to the venue. So while I was walking up with my six suitcases,

the whole rehearsal wedding party the day before turned around and looked at me and started just staring and interrupted their wedding rehearsal and everyone just stared at me. Was this a booking from people who listened to the show? Yes. Oh, congratulations to the newlyweds. Yes, congratulations. Who were they? They were incredible. Their names were Wyatt and Maddie,

and they were straight couples, superstars. Honestly, it was the most normal wedding I've ever attended. There was not really anyone who was fucked up out of their mind drunk. No one said anything inappropriate. I mean, what a rare feat of achievement in a wedding. Is that rare at a wedding? They can be drama. of old events sometimes.

The one that me and, the restaurant that me and Ben used to work at in Denver, an old woman once, first they went $4,000 over their alcohol butt of shit for a wedding reception. And then an old woman took a shit on the back steps of chaos at tour. So, yes, the wedding can get a little crazy. Last wedding I was out was uptown for a friend of mine at a Russian Orthodox church. And I was there with a bunch of my girls, and one of my petite girlfriends, Chloe, fainted during the wedding. And I'll just say there was a particular downtown Dime Square podcaster who was also an attendance, who you could tell they were very jealous that they weren't the one who fainted. It was hilarious.

It was very funny to see a particular person be palpably jealous that they weren't the one who had a medical emergency at a wedding. Like, when one person faints, like, that's off the table. You can't faint anymore or else you're copying, you know. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, the recording, the local crack. Local. Local crack? You're smoking local crack. No, smoking local crack. It stopped for a second. God damn. It does that.

I hate when it does that. Mm. Well, it happens pretty often for some of us. Okay. Well, except, but guess what? But you know what? But, you know, all these things happen outside of us without our control, and it's totally okay to just be like, why is the universe fighting me again? Yeah, I mean, weddings can be extremely dramatic.

I'm actually just got, I'm marrying my sister later this month. I'm officially her wedding, which will be fun. Oh, period. Congratulations, darling. Thank you. I'm waiting to get, because I lost my. efficient placard. It's a complete total scam. You pay like 70 bucks and they just give you the license to marry people. I think all of the money from the Universal Life Church goes to like anti-abortion

legislation or something. It's extremely strange and fraught organization. But I am getting a new minister ID card mailed to me, which I cannot wait to whip out. Oh, here he is. Please get the, the suit with the little round collar. Showing up at places like religious, uh, religious, uh, literally. Cutting veterans in line. Flashing it.

You know, actually a little bit more important to the social fabric that. Ben, the next plane ride you're on and it gets a little bit turbulent, you could stand up and be like, let me lead everyone in prayer. I was once a wedding officiant. Or whenever, if someone's like, is there a doctor? Is there a doctor? My grandma's dying. I can pull up and be like, well, I can I can give her her last rights right now because she does look like she's about

to die. Her last rights is hysterical. But I'm excited for it. I do love weddings. My sister's wedding will be chill. It's like it's not a big affair at all. She's doing it the right way, which is just like big party at the house. You know, we get Ophab over here.

And it'll be major. Her fiance is Cambodian and they get twisted, girl. They love Hennessy. So I will be a very drunk of the year. You're about to be sipping on the Hennessy. Oh, yes, Henny. Yes, Henny. Yes, Henny.

That's all you're going to say all night. Yes, Henny. Right. Two, yes, any. Three, yes, any. Well, thankfully, I don't have to, like, I'm just, like, signing the papers for them. They're not having a ceremony like that. They're, like, they wanted to do the courthouse, but then the judges were all, like,

booked or something. I'm like, what? So I'm just, like, signing the papers. papers is not a ceremony so I don't have to write a speech, but I'll probably give a toast or something later at the party. But that's way more low-key. But it depends on how the ministers feel like. It might be high-key, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, period. Kiki. I might be a high-key key key. I might be a high-key key key. I love a high-kiki, uh, uh, Waitita in his films, uh, such as Churchill Rabbit. Is that a real thing?

Yeah Zendaya died also in the finale Yeah Shut the fuck up I can hear you Trying to fuck with me And I don't care Even if she does end up dying

Because I haven't seen it I don't want to give I don't want to hear about your little Spoiler try to ruin me bullshit I don't give a shit She dies She died Well guess what

What I love you both And thanks for trying to challenge me Something so cruel I was gonna say something That was a very pregnant pause I love you both And thanks

Thanks so much Because you're local Recording now In his local recording track It is This track Look Henny Let me tell you something

This track is local And he's recording Annie So how was the wedding Overall Amazing spectacular It was a hit success What did you not like about it?

What was the worst part? They ran out of Coca-Cola middle of the wedding. I only had two bings. Well, I had three. Is it a sucker-ass wedding? It was a perfect wedding, though. Honestly, like, it was beautiful.

And I'm kidding. People trash your ceremony on the show. I did not trash the ceremony at all. Hey, I'm not even making a joke if they were the most beautiful couple and the most normal families. What kind of music did you play? They liked at the 1975, so I played

a song by the 1975. I actually played Snow Strippers because I'm a freak and the mom of the the bride knew who Snow Strippers was because the daughter and her

son liked them so much. They're like kind of famous. She walked up when I was DJing snow stippers and went yes, snow strippers. That's iconic. You know, we could have a little business on our hands here. I'm a minister, you're a DJ. Hessa, you...

Caterer. I'll film it. Cater. Can you cook? No, honestly, photographer. Those are the three people you hire for weddings. It's like, minister, DJ. Yes. Seeking derangements wedding. Yeah. Honestly.

Hire our services. Also, if you still want to just book me. I'm available alone. Okay, well, actually, never mind. Let's do just meet you, Hesse. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know a lot of DJs. I'll get Donna. Juliana Huxville, yeah,

yeah, we've got some big. You're so mad. I have a thing going for a long time and now, well, you just said you just, I was trying to pitch it us three and then you immediately pitched yourself as a solo item, so, you know. Okay, no, we can do us three. Let's do it. I just already texted to Juliana. She said yes. She's done.

Hey, you too sometimes. Y'all make me want to... Y'all make me want to shit my pants and throw it at you. Y'all made you want to throw human shit at y'all. Like a monkey. Y'all drive me to the very end. Oh, Lord.

Speaking of shit, how's your... Were you blowing up the wedding bathroom? No. Last time we talked, you were in... Yeah, you were in a... You were in a state. Last time. No, I didn't eat enough, and I'll tell you exactly why I didn't eat enough, because I kept running back and forth during cocktail hour, playing songs, then sitting back at the table eating, playing songs, and then sitting back at the table eating.

Wait, what the hell? You were like, you were, so. He's there for the free food, y'all. Yeah, yeah. He's there for the free food. Just an empty DJ booth. And then when he gets back, he's just using the CDJ like a fucking table. Wait, so you had a seat at the, you were, like, a, like, a.

you had an invite to this wedding as well. Yes, yes, yes. I was a respected member. I don't mean to out the room, but he cried because he was so excited that I was there at the wedding. And look, you know what else? His mom walked into me and said, I'm just so happy you could do this. He said two years ago, if I ever get married, I want Jacques to DJ in my wedding. Aw.

That's so. If you man cries when he meets Jacques, I know. I have some bad news for that bride. Sorry, honey. And I'm not just saying this to gas anyone up listening or whatever, but they truly were a drama-free, easy, fun, perfect wedding, location, perfect, decorations, perfect. Food, 99.9% perfect. I'll tell you what 0.1% percent. Okay, yeah. So as I was walking up back and forth to eat, I did not notice that the avocado whipped topping for the Arapas was getting on the corner of my pink suit. On the corner of my pink suit first on my sleeve and then going to my jacket and then going to my button up shirt and then going to my pants.

So after me playing. So you look like a baby that was puking itself. So after 15 cocktail songs, I looked like a motherfucking freak. I look like a cocktail joke. Why do you think non-binary people are so attracted to babyish aesthetics? It's something I've noticed a lot on interior motives. I'm not doing it in a baby aesthetic. It's so bright colors.

It's so primary colors, daycare, almost infantile. And no knock on them. I'm just, I am just genuinely curious. No knock on me. Hasn, have you noticed, have you, have you, well, yeah. There's a certain babyish kind of aesthetic. Well, a lot of the non-binary... If you think of a baby in the comments, shoot yourself.

In, like, Ridgewood are much more like... Are not fucking with that aesthetic as much. It's more like, you know, I have a motorcycle or something like that. Right, right, right. But you know what I'm talking about. You certainly observe this. Kind of like non-binary, like non-binary, like vintage. shoppers. It gets really babyish. I don't know why because maybe that's just like, okay, well,

if you're not going to be, if you don't want to necessarily appear too masculine, too feminine, you revert to a kind of pregender aesthetic, which is child. Yeah. I think also maybe like being young is very highly regarded in the modern days. They like respect babies. No, like to everyone. Like, I mean, like for everyone nowadays, it's like, you know, everyone hates getting old. You want to look youthful. You don't want to look like a two-year-old in a propeller beanie. Yeah, yeah. I hate babies more than I hate adults.

Adults versus babies. Why do you hate babies? Well, adults can carry themselves. Fuck Mary Kill. Babies adult, old person. Fuck Mary Kill. You have to do it. it.

Kill a baby. Okay. Period. Fuck an old person. Okay. Married the last option. What was the last option? I don't even remember at this point because I've just killed a baby.

I feel ridden with grief. I feel extremely terrible. You still have time to fuck an old person right after that. Exactly. Well, I'm trying to forget the horrible things that I've done was just kill a baby. I'm a baby. I don't want to say this out loud in the whole town too much. Right.

By the way, I'm naked. So I would marry a baby because you don't have to have sex with a baby. You can just marry a baby, you know? Yeah. So I would never kill a baby. Jock is coming out as being pro baby killer. I would marry the baby and I would just raise the baby. You know, it's kind of like a form of adoption.

So I would not kill a baby or crazy. Yeah. I would kill the old person because they probably want to die. You know, or the closest to death. So that's the most merciful. It's the most merciful, the most ethical position to take on this, I think. And then, of course, I'd just marry an adult. That's, well, you married the baby, so you can't marry an adult.

Oh, sorry, fucking adult. Yeah. You're always trying to marry a goddamn baby. Like, if you want to marry an 18-year-olds, it's inappropriate. It's inappropriate. Ben. I'm just trying not to kill one, you know. Is marrying a baby.

Okay. Would you rather kill an old person with a pillow or me with a pillow? An old person, I wouldn't want to kill you at all. Aw, Ben. But what if the old person is Lucinda Williams? That's fine. It's a baby, y'all. No, but jock.

Oh, I could kill Lucinda Williams for a jock. I would still kill Lucinda Williams, which is hard for me to say. I mean, if I kill Jack, it's also like I have. of a financial investment in jock being alive. Yeah, that's true. Okay, Hesda, you go back in time and you see me as a baby, and I'm like playing with the rattle, and I'm just like, Google Gaga, and you have... I'm being chased at this point.

It's, what year is it? 1976. Running through the swamps. Yeah. The year is 1997. Deliverance style, hiding from... Deliverance. That's what I'm going.

imagining that a delivery driver yeah a delivery driver and delivering in a remote rural swamp area and he goes deliverance that's funny squirrel like a piggy

yeah that'd be fun so I'm back in time I see you as a baby is that that's where we're at what's what happens well you have to kill me or you have to go in the future back to the future and have sex

with an extremely old person that is disgusting. Name someone that you would hate to have sex with that's older that you know of. Winona Ryder. I would hate it. Why? Because she's so old and so ugly. And it would make it a really hard choice. It's because I would love it.

And I just am lying. She is gorgeous. I was about to say, I was about to say, she's got those nervous eyes that would compliment yours so much. One of my friends is a makeup artist and said that she like keyed with Winona Ryder when she did her makeup for like hours. And then she tried to give my friend her phone number and her assistant had to stop her because she was like, you can't be just giving your phone number out to everyone that you meet. And it was like clearly it was a thing that she did a lot was just give out her phone number. I don't know anyone like that.

So she's just a very nice person for what I understand. I would never give up my phone number 337, 296, 1249. It's free to call me, but it costs to take up my time. So remember that. Yeah, $50. You can also just not pay, though. Yeah, it's also just don't pay. I would not pay him for that.

Actually, call me for advice. $60. That's what the show is for. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, okay. New, new, new, new sale. I'll sell some of my pubs for 70. Disgusting.

Would anyone buy a handful of pubs? That is just wild. Maybe a bioterrorist cell. Yeah. You're running a Geiger counter over that. I think I'm scared about selling my hair only because I don't want to get cursed. Oh, yeah. Well, you just offered to.

Right. I can't take back something I've said, so. You know, I had a friend in Boston who had like a bag of like all, like a bunch of like bags of all these people's hair, like kind of staple to the wall. It's like, wow. Wait, why? Period. I have no idea. The mental health reasons.

Yeah. When they cut off all my hair, I had it in a ponytail saved. and in envelope And I lost it. Yeah, and I lost it. Oh, wait, so there's a bag of your hair somewhere around Lafayette. I miss that thing. I'm going to be missing it.

It's about putting on a, oh, put this on a po boy. This looks good. Actually, the idea of like a shrimp poboy with like one long ponytail at the end. It's so funny. You know, I saw a fat cockroach at old time grocer last time. A fat cock, I thought you were going to say. I saw a fat cock. Do you remember that?

It scared me all-time grocery. Oh, whatever. You probably saw one outside. There's a bunch of cockroaches in Louisiana. It was a big water bug. Wow, I still eat the food. I'll still eat there. Also, there's not a cockroach water bug.

It was like a big one. His story. Well, you probably were just seeing things because you take peyote and mushrooms all the time. be fucking hippie. I don't, but I kind of wish I did. I've never done peyote. I think you'd be cooler. I think when Ben takes mushrooms,

he's very soft. He reverts to a childlike grin. Plus, it mushrooms do to people. You know what? When Ben says he's sorry on mushrooms, he says it like this. I am sorry. I'm sorry.

you. Yes, you have. At Phoenix. At Phoenix. At Phoenix. In front of... For what? Made you apologize to me.

For what? Because you said something spicy to me and he turned and he was like, don't say that. It was... You said some... Wait, really? Oh, I'm...

I'm just trying to fuck back on someone. Loves. Well, I'll actually stop. Yeah. He's mad at me before for something like this. I'm actually going to bleep his name. Yeah, go ahead. I haven't seen him in so long.

The respected painter. We're going to stop. We're going to stop. I'm not bleep his name, so please stop. Hesse, do you want to do the Colbert thing? We did a bunch of questionnaires. We did the Proust questions. And recently, I don't know if anyone's heard, but friend of the show.

And I believe one of Ben's personal heroes. Stephen Colbert hate I actually really hate what he did to his career he was so funny and became one of the most annoying people

even the Colbert report was so what it made him become so annoying because he was just so like liberal tarded yeah he just became a complete lib

and like stop with the absurdist humor and like he just lost everything that made him funny and smart because he had a huge fucking bag at CBS wherever the hell his show is. Yeah, like, which I would have done in a heartbeat as well. Like, but I think, I think you would have,

you may be succeeded in caring over a little bit of your personal humor into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I think it would have driven me too insane to just do the dumb bullshit of the end up. And you can tell him driven me to it. His heart was never in it. Yeah. And I mean, shows like that can be funny. Like Conan is amazing. And he's not annoying and cloying in. like, you know. Yeah. Whereas. Well, I kind of like that annoying,

the annoyingness of, uh, of Conan is kind of like annoying in a approachable way. He's funny. He has like a, yeah. He's kind of like. Yeah. He's. Conan genuinely is one of my heroes. He's, uh,

yeah, I think he's really funny. Um, I, I watched, out ginger doing it the right way. I used to stay up and watch every episode of, uh, the Tonight Show. I, I, I watched every single one as they premiered before he was kicked off.

And I, it was so mad at Jay Leno. But, uh, Stephen Colbert, um, created his own questionnaire of, uh,

15 questions. And I think they're actually, they're not bad. They're, they're pretty good questions. Okay. There's some overlap. Stephen Colbert,

if you're listening right now, you better have made some good questions. So we are going to come to your house and give you a spanking. Yeah. So, So I, yeah, I thought we could answer these. The first question on the Colbert questionnaire. What is the best sandwich?

On me? On me up there for sure. Yeah, that's definitely top tier. I don't think I've ever had a poboy, honestly. I mean, a fried shrimp po' boy, delicious. One of the best sandwiches, no question about it. Yeah, fried shrimp is just such a, like, a good texture, you know, like. Yeah.

And I mean, the bread, I mean, it's, but bond me, I would go bond me just because there's a, well, Po, boy, you have a crazy amount of versatility too. I would do bond me or po boy. The thing, the thing about a bond me also is that, uh, if, if you have a bad one, it's, it can be like, you know, not. Devastating. Yeah, yeah. Callie sandwiches from Houston, that's where you get a bond me. I don't like getting a, uh, bond me's out of Houston, honestly. Yeah. There's crazy Vietnamese in Houston.

It seems like you do because you just recommended a run-mee place there. No, outside of Houston. I don't like getting good. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to be honest. I had a lot of different sandwiches come up in my head. And I just landed on one. And it's the club sandwich. Okay. Incredible blend of different meats. You got bacon. You've got multiple kinds. of cheese's layers. It's also light and refreshing

a good amount of mayo. It's kind of a tie-up with a BLT. I mean, I could have said shrimp po-boy and I could have said pastrami. I think that like the batting average for a club sandwich is never really that high. The average po-boy, the average

bond me would be 10 times better than the average club sandwich. Although I do love a club sandwich. Yeah, yeah. A club sandwich is kind of like at that's like what you order at a place that um like doesn't isn't really a food place you know it's like a drinking place or something and you know oh there's a club sandwich it's like a staple i know what it's going to be like it's like a diner order for me yeah that or b l t i mean just a straight up tomato sandwich is really good as well if it's in the right season yeah tomato mayonnaise

lettuce oh a tomato and a salt very very good Yes, yes. Tomato, little olive oil, dice it up. Pop it on there. I mean, everyone knows my real favorite sandwich, which is white bread, a shit ton of mayo, black olives, calmada olives, cilantro, parsley, sharp cheddar, American cheese, ham, bacon, lettuce, horrible. Arugula. Extremely random. Honey mustard It's like a markup chain What are the first foods I can think

Literally And Thai spice You know what I bet it wouldn't be that bad I used much The yeah The like I don't know Parsley End Parsley and slunch was crazy

It's just like pesto With all I don't know I feel so British I almost just called it coriander Oh period A little bit of coriander My favorite is a muffal lettuce sandwich. There's a...

Mufelotta. Muffoletta. You ought to be taken to the Cajun courts and hung by your toes and... And... Tard and feathered. What's one thing you own that you really should throw out?

Well, just about everything in my life. Yeah. Period. I don't know. I'm not sentimental wild items if I don't care about something I throw it away. One thing I own that shit... Well, I'm standing behind one of my old walking... treadmills that broke because I used it too much

and it was horrible in China and cost you 50 bucks so I should probably throw that away. I got a treadmill and it's really kind of changed things for me. You have a walking pad? I have a treadmill. A straight up treadmill. Like one of those ones where the bar comes up. It's like a walking pad. But yeah,

whoa, are you using it? Yeah, I've been using it a lot. I've been like, I've been doing sales of my paintings and clothes while I'm on the treadmill and people love that. especially when I fall, and I was bruising the bottoms of my feet, getting them stuck in the walking machine. Mm.

Very good. I think it's good for you to have a prop on your lives. So you're barefoot on this? You're not supposed to be. I thought you were supposed to be barefoot on a treadmill. I mean, I guess if it's your treadmill, it doesn't really matter. But I feel like it would hurt your feet after a while. Why would you be barefoot on a treadmill?

It's supposed to be natural feeling. Interesting. I don't know. Are you walking outside? I'm running on my hot, my, my, my, my tipy toes also. So it kind of gives it a bounce. I did. I was, it's like in high school, I was on the cross-country team. I was famously the slowest person on the entire team. And but one time I did take off my shoes because my shoe like broke. And so I ran without shoes. And I was like the third fastest. Okay. It was like, wow. But I tried to replicate. and I couldn't do it again, which...

I thought of something that I have that I could do without. What? My uncle Bob, he's a total asshole. He only has the most rude comments to say at every family holiday event. He always walks up and says something to the effect of,

well, you look stoned. Looks like you haven't done that much with your life. And he's a Fed or a CIA agent or an oil man, like one of the three combined some kind of evilness. And as far as the... He's George H.W. Bush.

Literally. Something that I have. My uncle Bob, he's a problem, and I wish I didn't have him. So I call for Fawt. I call for Fawt. I call for Fahua against him. Issuing a Fahua and Uncle Bob. Okay.

I'm also going to select Jacques' Uncle Bob. Number three, what is... Actually, I have the old box for my laptop, and I don't know why I keep it, but it's a good-looking box. It's a nice... Gender. Yeah, yeah. What is the scariest animal?

Well, I'd have to go with the deadliest animal. Well, scariest for you. I'm going to say a whip spider for me, or one of those centipedes with horns on it. Right. Those are so scary. I had one time I had a dream that I discovered that all Wi-Fi routers were just filled with those,

and that's what Wi-Fi was, is the horns for Wi-Fi. How much acid were you on? It was just like a normal, yeah, just like a dream I had. I was like, damn, that's sick. I'm like, oh my God, my mind. You're in a dark hotel and you feel something

licking the bottom of your foot and you're like, stop, stop. And you stick your head under the blanket. It's John. Well, okay, no. Second, anyway, you stick your head under the blankets and you look. And there's an ant.

ant eater and its head is like underneath the blanket and it's trying to get to you. I don't care about an anteater. I think they're cute. Have you seen the pygmy ant eater? They're so adorable. It's like so tiny. Yeah. Really cute.

I've heard, I might be thinking of armadillos, but I, yeah, I think I've heard armadillo smell really bad though. And that's, I don't know if ant eaters are similar. I wouldn't see that near the scariest. I don't think like any mammal. Armadillos are tough. I watched a... Are you afraid of Arthur Jacques,

the children's character? Is that an anteater? I thought he was just... Are you sure he looks kind of... They did get rid from... They made his nose. They snubbed his nose. Yeah, they snubbed his nose.

Yeah. He got surgery, and I'm so sick of these guys in with these beautiful Mediterranean noses, getting surgery, and looking like a bitch. It turns them into a bitch. are you mocking i've been saying this for i know i know i was just i just remembered you saying that not mocking you not mocking you because i do agree with you about that

trying to trigger me no it makes me so mad that they're doing this it's like literally criminal but doing that and talking about arthur my leventine king arthur yeah arthur read the fictional character is not an aunt either but is in fact in Ard-Fark. Oh, my God. That's the same thing. No, it isn't. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. That's the same thing. No, it is not, you stupid cut. It is the same exact thing. Ard-vark is a nocturnal burrowing mammal from Africa known for its pig-like snout, large, powerful ears, and powerful claws used for digging up ants and termites.

Scariest animal. Maybe a rhino? Aren't rhinos the deadliest animal? on earth? No. No, mosquitoes are. Oh, mosquitoes are. Right. Yeah. Mosquitoes are. But I'm not afraid of mosquitoes. Maybe. I'm looking at a picture of an ant eater. They are kind of scary looking. I'm going to be real. Yeah, but they're so slow and like low to the ground. Like they're not like. Yeah, load to get into your bed while you're sleeping. Like an art bark is really cute. An ant eater is, it does look like a freak. I mean, I am terrified of big cats because I'm just like kind of scared of cats in general.

and like the idea of like a tiger or a puma. When I was in L.A., I was really, I was like hiking all these like crazy trails and people were like, oh, there's bobcats up here. You should be careful. And I think I'd be, I think a big feline would be my answer because they're, they would absolutely see me as prey. And like you can't fight back against them. Like the clot, like they just tear you up.

Yeah. There's no way. So I would say big cat. That's my final answer. Okay. That's a good answer, I think. I like, I think we all have good answers for that. Have you guys seen a whip spider?

It's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It's like, uh... Oh, I, yeah, they're really scary. They're fucking huge and they have like crazy talents. Yeah, I would, I... They're completely harmless to humans, but it's... They, I would kill myself. Like, honestly, if one was between me and the door, I would starve to death before I, like...

Right. They're too bad. question for apples or oranges kind of a bad question oranges no one chooses apples unless they're green insane it again it's like a baby and yes if I were to do an apple it would be a green apple

because why would you want a red apple red apples are literally the worst yeah it's it's it when they say an apple a day they definitely did not mean a red to be like red delicious that's the worst kind of apple it's true but it is true let me let me

Let me change it up for you all. Pears or grape fruits? Grapefruit. I'm a citrus head. I'm a pear. I'm a pear. I'm a pair person. There's something about that mealy texture that is like sand.

I don't mind a pear. The pear texture and the guava texture is so refined, elegant, and delicious with that kind of. Yeah, I wouldn't go out of my way for a pair. A roasted pair? My favorite fruit is it's got to be a kiwi. That's delicious. Love a kiwi. That's fucking delicious.

With the hairy kind of like the texture on the outside. A fresh leachy. Oh, yummy. Very good. My grandmother in Costa Rica had a leachy tree in her backyard. They were so fucking good. And starfruit carambolla. Don't see you so, mama.

I remember I worked at, a restaurant with like my one of my coworkers was Colombian and she was like you've never tried a a quandro guandroga grachone

it's like wow fuck dude in South America they have like a thousand fruits that we don't have yeah roaming fruiting yeah no they all look it's like garden of eating and shit yeah have you ever asked someone for their

autograph no really no even as like a kid oh my god get a grip Jacques you jock you have asked

I know you that you ask someone for their autograph like every day you see someone not not not as an not more of this adult but I did ask Dakota Fanning for her autograph

on the set of the Dreamer and we were like I don't know like three or four eight years apart at the time. So you were being toxic. Okay, let's chill out. I was an avid cat in the hat fan,

and she was on Cat on the Fat. Cat in the Fat. That's right. I'm the Cat in the Fat. The Cat and the Fat. I'm thinking I'm everywhere. I once, I recognized the director of Billy Elliott and I asked him for an autograph.

And he said... And he said, no. And I was like, I was like 11, literally. Maybe John Malkovich. I tried to ask. The hell out of him. My brother had, I forget what it was. I think it was like a little Wayne CD or something.

And he was like, look who signed it. This is when we were like in sixth grade or something. He was like, look who signed it. Al Roker's signature was on it. And I was like, L. Roker didn't sign it. He's like, he did. He was in the, he was in the mall. And I ran into him. I asked him to sign it.

And I looked up his signature. It was exactly the same. And I was like, okay, that's weird. And he's like, you fucking idiot. Why would Al Roker sign this? I'm like, why would you lie about this? Yeah, it's one of those things. It's like, well, I'm, why am I stupid for falling for?

Because you haven't proved anything with this? Yeah, yeah. I have had. Well, I have one valuable autographed object, and then the other one I destroyed on purpose, thinking that I was being so cool, so stupid. I had an autograph of baseball by George W. Bush Jr., because he was my brother's baseball coach growing up.

Who is George W. Bush Jr.? Is that not his name? George W. Bush Jr.? The son's name, Jr.? There's a senior and there's a junior. Old Bush, New Bush. Bush with two daughters, new Bush. George H.W.

So George H. is the first one? I think George W. Bush might still be considered junior. I don't really know how that works. How did you destroy a baseball? I took it and I hit it. And I threw it into the distance and I found it. And it exploded. No, it just was, the signature was worn off.

What do you think happens when we die? Heaven. I think something that we can't even begin to explain. I do think there's something cosmic that happens. There's some kind of process that we can't explain. You probably just get teleported to another dimension. I think it just starts over and you live the same life again. Oh, please God, no.

For up. Jacques. You think heaven? I think heaven. You think you're going? I think heaven, unless you've been really bad, then you're going to go to hell. convenient what the fuck

convenient answer where are you going I haven't I'm a good boy favorite action movie oh triple X the easy as hell and Ben I know you don't

you're not an action movie Golden eyes another second yeah I don't really much and my least favorite action movie of all time is Speed that's a really good one you know who's really hot in that is the guy who plays Cameron and

Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Oh yes. He's in that and he is so sexy. Just a guy on the bus. I'm like, fuck, yeah, dude. It's a hot thing for a guy to do. Yeah. Beyond the bus.

The way that that guy looked like 40 and Ferris Bueller's Day Off and all the other teenage characters did look sort of of age. There's just no reason the cast the most depressed-looking adult to play a boy. Well, it was a depressed character.

So. Shoot them. Hey, you're depressed. If you're depressed, my advice. I hate Paris Steelers. I fucking hate that movie. My favorite action movie is probably the Matrix. Right. I also love Ronin.

I love The Rock. I love Golden Eye. Yeah. A bunch of good action movies out there in the world. I don't like Crank was funny, too. Oh, crank is amazing. I love crank and Craig too. Like action movies with a really crazy

kind of tight premise that doesn't really make sense but it's easy to just like adopt the logic of the world or of the circumstances that they're in. But these are movies I watched when I was a kid. Yeah. Fatal Beauty honestly has some amazing shooting scenes.

I can't wait to look that up later and have it be just not an action movie. Well, it's the deep... Oh, the long kiss goodnight also is amazing. That's one of the... the best movies ever. The movie I'm talking about is where Wopi Goldberg's, the DEA agent named

Rita Rosoli. Oh yeah. I have seen that with you. It is a pretty funny movie. But it's pretty accurate, too. Well, it's just so random because she's a black woman and they keep referring to her as like being Italian. It's like there's like there's a black Italian? No, there can, but like if there

is, you would imagine there'd be some kind of greater explanation for why. You know, of course black it would be Italian. There are plenty of black Italians. but it's like, oh, and last night I watched Total Recall with my dad, which is one of the greatest movies ever. But also, it is funny whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a movie, and he's supposed to be like a normal guy with a normal job.

And it's like, hey, man, you're the most jacked guy I've ever seen. And you are like handsome as fuck and have a crazy accent. Like, I said he was ugly. I think he's kind of busted. I think there are certain movies where he actually does look like amazing like a caveman thing going on. Like true lies. I think like true lies he's so good looking.

Okay, honestly, Hessa, Free Jack is an incredible action movie. The action is kind of non-stop. Yeah, Free Jack. If we're really being honest. Yeah, Free Jack is good. I wouldn't call it incredible, but it's definitely, it's something. I hate when she does this. movie about a public masturbator.

It's a movie about a guy. Mick Jagger plays the villain and he's trying to do a Southern accent. That's all you really need to know. Okay, hilarious. Long story short, Ben, this movie, all you need to know about this movie is there's time travel. A race car driver is taken out of his car from the future, or from the past to the future, in the middle

of a crash happening. And they are trying to transport his body to a billionaire whose soul will be implanted into his body so the billionaire can live forever. You know, your typical plotline. There's also that movie Four Lions. Oh, Four Lions is amazing. I wouldn't call it action.

It's not necessarily an action, but I did love that movie. It's kind of like, I guess more of a suspense on it is a straight of action. It's a comedy. Four Lions is a comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's like a lot of action element or like suspense. Eh, no. What's the next one?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it does get suspenseful at the end. The, okay, favorite smell. Gasoline. Love, oh, jet fuel. Poppers. Oh, period. I love the smell of jet fuel

because it means I'm going on vacation. But, period. Probably like, definitely the beach. I love the smell of the beach. Lemon, citrus, this? The scent of a,

a woman, I would say. Right. I also, onions and garlic cooking. That's really good. And a hockey puck. I love the smell of a hockey puck. Lees favorite smell.

Arm pits. Well, no, that's not my least favorite. Arm pits are most favorite. Depends on the guy. Yeah. I think just armpits in general is a risky one. Depends on the woman. Oh, right.

It could be a crazy armpit, but most women are men's armpits. I have women, definitely. Least favorite smell. I mean, of course. The ducy. Yeah. Canned tuna.

I feel like canned tuna. That's worse than poop. Yeah, I just, the smell will stay in my nose forever. Everyone poops. Not everyone eats canned tuna. Yeah, everyone hates poop. I feel like that's a boring answer. I feel like...

Sorry, I'm an honest person. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah. I'm not, you know, you don't have to guss it up. Burning plastic. Oh, yeah, that's bad. Bad yogurt. Yogurt that's gone bad is really bad. Dog food.

The smell of defeat. There we go. Yeah. I hate the smell of defeat. Okay, this is a weird one. Exercise. Worth it? Of course.

What? Yeah. I don't know. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah. I'm like, okay. This is, we're getting, why is that on here? That's, that's a joke one for the audience to be like, oh, ho.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, so fucking fun. Flatwater or sparkling. Sparkling. Sparkling, come on. Don't even bother me. It was such a infantile question. People who don't like sparkling water need to be questioned by their local governments. Oh, spin drift. I think, uh, unflavored sparkling is the, uh,

Yeah, unslavored, but I mean, the best is Toa Chico with fresh lime juice. Yeah. Oh, that's yummy. The best is toasted coconut polar. That's ridiculous. It's so gross. Most used app on your phone. Instagram. Yeah. Unfortunately.

I just have to be on it constantly. Maybe text, yeah. Let me see. I can actually check my... No, it's Instagram by far from me. It's Instagram. Yeah. Yeah, mine is X, everything up right now.

No, no, no. Mine is the text followed by calls because I have 806 missed text, and I have 528 missed calls. Period. Six missed face time today. So it's you looking, where are they? I can't find these mist texts like scrolling back and forth. also the podcast app and the chess.com app is pretty high up there for me

because I do puzzles all the way wait wait Hesda you play chess yes I do darling we should start getting on that I've offered to play my roommate him versus chest that doesn't sound true because I would have shown a

what I would have defeated you okay what are you talking about you just kind of glitched out there for a second what is going on with you? You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? Honestly, I would pick none.

Because if I have to, even if it's a song that I love and it's the only one I can listen to, I grow it to data. So I would pick a frequency, which does classify as a song. So I'd pick like 444.4 Hertz. Well, but hang on. If a frequency classifies as a song and you choose just one frequency. does that mean you can't hear any other frequencies so you just hear like a beeping well it's like a buzz

it's like a hum yeah I would pick but you wouldn't be able to hear people talking unless they it was that one frequency right if every frequency is a song okay I would pick rain sounds to fall asleep too which is my most

listen to song of last year on Apple music period because I like I like I wouldn't do that to a song I love because I would Gras to hate it, of course. It's the only song you can listen to.

I'd probably choose temporary secretary by Palmer Carney. Maybe something by Chateh. I'm trying to think of like songs that I could like ignore. Yeah. Not. No, I pick like

like lovers rock, something that's very just kind of background and totally kind of flat, but you know, pleasant. Maybe I do like I don't know like Shostakovich's seventh symphony or something, you know?

I would choose Break My Stride I think it's Matthew something and it's like my favorite song Break My Stride by Matthew something Well he's like Never gonna break my stride Never gonna hold me down So if I'm gonna choose a song

For the rest of my life It better be inspirational. He's like, I've got to keep on moving. My second idea was a song with no words that is just beautiful and romantic. Pitter-patter goes my heart by Broken Social Scene. It's the violin string arrangements that come from the song, anthems of a 17-year-old girl. And I can see myself listening to that song over and over for the rest of my life.

Never listen to it. and maybe Bachelor Kisses by the radio department that is like just one of the world's greatest sweetest most comforting songs Um

Like if it could be any song This opens up an exciting possibility If you make up a song that doesn't exist That you want to hear Like say you want the original studio cut Of like the second arrangement by Steely Dan Which is famously was lost For a while you could

choose that and then you can listen to that. Okay. Also, behind glass by A.G. Cook, because it's just like very comforting and soft. Yeah. Yeah. Something you should take that. I think Bob Marley covering Hotel California.

Okay, actually, actually, okay, waiting in vain by Bob Marley, I could honestly consider that. Love that on. That's this best song. If I recall correctly, that was bit by a friend of the friend of the show

Alex Nichols who posted just a random bullshit on YouTube and or posted Hotel California on YouTube but called it Bob Marley Hotel California cover live and all the comments are people getting mad like what the fuck I was so excited I would also maybe do the UB40 song

Brad Wine I would absolutely absolutely love that's fine so much or Gregory Isaac now that we're getting into like a reggae How about Chris Isaac, Wicked MacDGames? Mm-hmm. Okay. Maybe RudeBox,

Rudebox side A remix by Robbie Williams. Okay, two songs by the same person. Human Nature by Michael Jackson is an infinite re- I could hear it on repeat. It is just a perfect song. Also, though, imagine if you only could listen to want to be starting something for the rest of your

life because you would want to be started to something constantly. You would always want to... It is the bifurcated mind or whatever. It really is. Songs are commands. So you have to pick one that you'll be able to listen to.

Yes. Okay. Also, last submission. Stop by Spice Girls, the orchestra. version. But then you'll have to stop every time you listen to it. Maybe Bonehead by Naked City.

One of the most disconcerting songs. I used to when I used to listen to like thrash jazz when I was like. Oh my God. Thrasch Jazz is so funny. But I do love that song. It's the intro song for Funny Games Hesse. Oh, okay. It's by John Zorn in the Naked City band. Oh, John Zorn. I know. Yeah, okay. Okay, okay. Okay. If I had a permanent relapse, my song would be Pepper by Butthole Surfers. Is Hanuky making anything? What is he? Is he just done making movies?

What's going on? No, he made something. The last thing was happy ending, but that came out in like 2017. Wasn't he going to do like a mini series or something? What is going on with him? What director? Michael Hankeke. Michael Hanukkah?

Let's see. Hanukkah. Hanuky, I don't know. It might be Hanukkah. I don't know how to pronounce it. I pronounce it Hanukkah, but I think it... I pronounce you, Honica. You may now kiss the Jew. His latest feature was 2017 Happy End, and...

He announced a 10-part dystopian TV series called Kelvin's book, but it was quietly canceled. No. Oh, fuck. They won't let anyone make shit. Oh, shit. We can't watch Kelvin's book. The most interesting sounding release title of the near... century.

Yeah, I would love to see him do a dystopian fantasy. He did a Kafka adaptation. I'd love to see him executed. Well. Well, well, doll. Let's do one more. Parity. Okay, I'm skipping number 14, because it's what number

am I thinking of? Stupid question. Kill yourself. Nine. Jock's thinking of nine, okay. Oh, that was the number I was thinking of, though, Jack. You actually got it. Which is crazy. Um, what the fuck?

Describe the rest of your life in five words. Oh, Lord. Fabulous, dreamy, adventurous, um, arduous, sensuous. Bam. I do what I want. Those are my five words. Period. I'm going to say, I do.

what I need. Okay. No, I don't know. Here, wait, can I change my answer? No, it's too late. No, go ahead. Okay, AG, cook, French fries, these are all hyphenated, so they're just one word. You're telling someone A.G. to cook, someone named A.G. To cook French fries.

AG, cook French fries. DJ, controller. You're out You're out Okay, never want They also hear They have all of the Celebrity answers

To the favorite Action movie And it is very fun Jane Fonda Empire of the Sun Could get a grip Japan Manor Mm-hmm

John Krasinski's The Dark Night I hate him so much John Stewart's Finding Nemo Shut the hell up. I'm trying to see Bruce Springsteen Vanishing Point. That's a good poll.

Is that Jane Fondo? Yeah, I love Jane Fonda. You hate Bruce Springsteen? Someone with a funny answer. I fucking hate Bruce Springsteen. He's so fucking annoying. Jeff Goldblum gave like 20 movies for an answer.

These men. Line them up. Line them. Oh, Keanu Reeves said Rollerball, which is a dope pole. I love him. Sandra Bullock said the Matrix, ally, queen. No big fan of her. Not a fan.

Why are you hating on all of all? What's wrong? Bono said anything with Liam Mason in it. God, these people. What's wrong with Sandra Bullock? She annoys me. Obama said the Jumanji remake for 2017.

right what an asshole the original Jumangi was so fucking cool how dare him why don't you just say Mrs. Dalfire was his favorite movie that fucking retarding

I would respect that a lot more Matt Damon also said the Matrix David Letterman said where is it David Letterman said Once Upon a Time in the West which baller

baller pick Rupal said Mr. and Mrs. Smith I mean I would go so you stop that train. Maybe we can review stop that train. But until then everyone, thank you for listening today. This is a free episode. If you like to hear, go subscribe to

our Patreon for bonus episodes. Goodbye, everyone. Yeah, very fun at Gmail. It's yay, very fun at Gmail. Just so everyone out there knows that. You know, yay, very fun. Y, A, Y, very fun.