Seeking Derangements - SD 515 - Would You Rather

Episode Date: July 19, 2026

It's Seeking Sunday! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I discuss the viral poop lettuce, getting Uptown Legionnaires, and the wildfire smoke blanketing NYC. Then we try our best to come up with more questions like Would You Rather Be A Gay or a Gamer?

Family. Is it recording? Yeah, it's recording now. Okay, perfect. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Seeking Darrangements. This is a free episode. If you like what you hear and want to get weekly bonus episodes,

subscribe to us on Patreon. Patreon.com slash seeking derangements. And Jokena are here with me as each. What the hell is that? I was just saying, yeah, like enthusiastically about subscribing, but Hessa wants you to go ahead and screen everyone. So anime, anime girls is like really weird. Yeah, that was very furry.

Well, I do enjoy having. fun sometimes, so pardon me. You don't need to apologize. You're pardoned. Sorry. They took 12 tubes of blood today. So I'm basically... Who's they? The doctor man.

The doctor man. What are they testing you for? Every disease they can think of. In a new twist of things, I'll be getting an ultrasound of my right testicle. It's absolutely not a new twist that you have to get another medical procedure done. It's actually

like the plot. A twist would be, hey guys, I'm fine. Hey guys, my doctor isn't stealing any more blood from me. I love the twist in Chinatown that the whole town is corrupt. It's so great. You never see it coming. What's wrong with your left testicle? Let's identify what's wrong with the lump and swelling and pain in my left testicle that's lasted a month. Oh, well, this could be bad. You could get bad news. I don't know. I don't know if we could do like a potential can cancer diagnosis. Do you want to tease your potential cancer diagnosis? I don't think it's cancer. I just want people. No, shut the fuck up, you stupid long hair. Okay, well, then let's move on. No, I'll say. Exactly. No, I'll say what I want to say.

My nuts were hurting. I was annoyed and I already was annoyed because last month I couldn't wear normal briefs, which are my favorite kind of underwear. I had to wear boxers like some kind of, you know, rotund father figure is just disgusting. And, and, And I, you know, finally I'm able to return back to briefs and then I'm having this. Why couldn't you wear a brief? Too tight. But too tight. And I was having, anyway, the testicle, it's the pain, got to identify.

And I got to figure out why I'm having faintness, chest pains, and like vein pains. So I got... I'm sure it's nothing. Yeah. Probably nothing. I mean, it never is anything, and to be fair. Sometimes it's something. What are you?

Why don't you... Whatever, you... The they who cried sick. Literally. I'm not even the they who cried sick. I did on Instagram. Wait, I did an Instagram live, though, and this guy was like, hello, how's the AIDS? and I was like, what the hell?

You can't be mad at people for that. It's all you've talked about for the past month. It just was a funny way to say that. And he was like, oh, you were being serious? People think you're joking, which I don't understand at all. People think you're like playing a character. And I'm like, no, he's literally like constantly dying, but then also not. But do you don't have AIDS, though, to be clear.

That's true. I got another blood test for HIV. So yes, I don't have AIDS currently. Currently. you hated saying that. You hated saying that. He's saying that. I don't. I don't. I don't. I'm not. That feeling when you need to drop you need a drop from so you might be announcing your AIDS. No stigma. I got another blood test.

Whatever. Well, you haven't gotten the poop diarrhea thing from lettuce. Have you guys heard about this? Yes. I thought I had it because I was feeling very sick. You having explosive diarrhea? No. I was just like, I felt super sick. And I was like laid out. I knew it wasn't going to happen to me. because I went straight to my local place and had a salad the first time I heard the challenge. And I have not had a shit yet. What challenge is this? The viral lettuce challenge is going on?

Yeah, eat lettuce and don't have a shit. Y'all, I'm doing the HIV challenge. I'm doing the HIV lettuce challenge. You really are a bug chaser. You hear about a new illness and you're like, how do I get this? I need to get. Shut the fuck up. The first day you've ever wanted a fucking salad in your life.

also. I heard it could kill me. The salad I had was a fried green tomato salad with black and shrimp. Oh, that's not a salad. Yes, it is. Fried tomatoes are not a salad. No, no, no, no. It's a bed of lettuce and then fried tomatoes on top of like that's just a garnage.

Yeah, it's called a carnage. When there's that much lettuce is not garnish. Why are you trying to shut me down to me? I mean, good for you. Did you get the, did you get the diarrhea? No, I did not. I don't. Honestly, I'm like, y'all, I have diarrhea like once a week.

No, like four times a week. I think this is a different thing than just kind of like semi-regular diarrhea. I do think it's like it's like a neurovirus or something. You're just like on the toilet and like fire hydrant, you know, spray. Yeah, water. I mean, yeah. I take showers sometimes after I take a shit if it's watery. So I don't understand that.

Thank God. I don't understand why people are that fearful. actually Kyla was like I wouldn't mind getting that well it does make you skinny the people who have had that are like I lost 15 pounds I'm like interesting I lose any more weight for you free Zempi I'm gonna be mad I feel like it's at least like once a quarter

there's this thing where it's like oh if you're eating the romayne or like the iceberg you might die it feels so common now yeah it's we basically live in a like it's America's becoming India where it's like Americans Americans are used to all the pathogens in our disgusting food. Not to say that Indian food is disgusting, but like, you know,

like, if you drink the water in India as like a tourist, it gets you, or places in Mexico, but I'm like, I'm not worried about this one at all. Even though a friend of mine was insisting, I also haven't researched it.

I used to say kind of ignorant about this kind of thing. But a friend of mine was like really insisting to me that it was quote unquote all produce. And it wasn't isolated to just like the bagged Caesar kits that like soccer moms eat and like probably die from at like a very high enough. I'm like I'm not touching this like weird extremely processed like pre-chopped vegetables. So I feel like I'll be fine. But maybe I guess it's all produce. I saw people roasting produce like but like things that you wouldn't like I wouldn't cook a radish.

It just seems like a roasted radish. I don't know. But then also I saw people like grilling lettuce, which I guess you could charred romaine. Chard romaine. But still, I mean, I was just like, y'all, just brave it out. I had a cheeseburger extra lettuce. Yeah, I feel like it's like shredded lettuce that will get into my house. I went to my place, Hub City Diner, and I knew they wouldn't do me wrong.

I know that their produce would be washed. Period. Wash is in disgusting. I will say that at the time before this that I got the salad. A ladybug came out of it. See, that's fine. To me, I was so like, oh, it's right from the farmer's market. It was live, the ladybug.

Well, yeah, well, hopefully. That's happened to me. Actually, that happened to one of my friends who had a bunch of, like, worked at a restaurant, and they had a bunch of arugula. And at the restaurant, and there was a little snail in it. And she took it home and named it Rocket, because that's another name for Arugula. Yeah. Love.

Love. And I took care of it for a few weeks. You took care of it. I took care of it, darling. I took care of the snake. She killed it. Yeah. I ate it, darling.

Roasted it, darling. Microwaved. Okay, well, there's also the Legionnaires thing that's happening uptown. As have you heard about the Legionnaires crisis? I haven't heard about this at all. Okay, I, this is another thing that was explained to me from one of my friends who's uptown. And like when I got here, she was like, have you heard about, there's legionnaires uptown.

And I was like, I thought legionnaires was so like Lyme disease, like fake, like a fake thing for like white women to complain about. But I guess it's real. It's like super pneumonia. And the way it's being spread is allegedly... Hair conditioning. No.

The city cooling centers, because we had the heat crisis. The city just started misting blocks. Like they had like these giant like misting stations. And apparently they were just spraying everyone with infected water, which is so crazy.

And it's like now, I mean, first of all, to me, that seems like a great idea. It's like, yeah, like have some cooling centers. But just imagine all of the like poop particles in the air in Manhattan. Just all of the shit that's in the air, you're just throwing water on it. And it's like catching so much stuff probably. And I'm like now, especially that you can't walk outside right now without feeling like you fucking smoked a pack of Newport's. The Newport air from the fires is insane.

And I'm like, this water is so, has to be so just full of shit. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of shit, too, also to go back a little bit to the lettuce, they were saying that it was caused by a spread of fecal does matter all over the lettuce and the produce or whatever. And also, I kept hearing raspberries. I think it's like everything. I think it might literally be all produce, which is so crazy.

I just, it made me mad because I really wanted to get a smoothie today. I didn't want to have a surprise. I kind of feel like I'll be fine. Did you get a smoothie, Jacques? No, I didn't because I just had to get pastries instead. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I have to eat unhealthy today.

So sorry. I didn't eat that unhealthy. Honestly, I had a black coffee, not even a sweetened coffee, black coffee, iced coffee, and a half a rotister chicken from a fancy rouser chicken. It's really skinny, actually. And these pastries that you had. And the pastries. Well, I had one cheese pastry and then I bought other ones to eat later.

Thank God there's not a pastry bug. Am I right, y'all? Yeah, oh my God. Well, thank God there's not a brisket bug either. They said I got pastritis. They took 29 vials of blood for me. They said, we need all your blood. We need to take it all out.

They put it back in later. They were removing all my blood to test for pastritis. When they were taking my blood. two guys came in and they were like, this guy's training to be a doctor and to get his rest, a phobotomous or something. And I said, I would prefer not the person in training if you're going to take 12 tubes of blood for me when I normally faint. No.

You're not doing that to me. Period. You want to faint in the hands of an experienced man. Yeah. The guy that I fainted into. died immediately. He had a flirtily tattoo. The guy who's arms I died in.

Yeah, there's an anime tattoo of the anime berserk. He was cool. Oh, period. He was actually kind of, he's hot for a nurse. I feel like there's a lot of thoughty male nurses. I feel like that's one of the male thought jobs. And honestly, my new Jewish doctor. Mailman.

New Jewish doctor. Newly Jewish. NJD. New Jew doctor. Period. You got that new Jew. Jew, doctor.

That should be an Aerosmith song. I do love getting a Jewish doctor. I got an, mine's Italian, I think. You would not trust.

You keep it in house. He's on her name. I'm going Jewish or like Hindu when it comes to doctors. I need a woman. I need a woman is, of course, mandatory as well.

The Hindu doctor and Lafayette woman was giving me all this HIV medicine before I even had a scare when I was like in like sophomore

you're a high school and it made me feel so sick and she's like, you don't have HIV? I was like, no. Well, I don't think she did anything wrong because you were probably like, I feel sick every single day. I can't stop. I'm protected gay sex.

I probably have something. I was less sick than now. Okay. Amazing. But poop lettuce or legionaires. I'll take legionaires. I would take legionnaires because it sounds like the level up from Trillionaire. I'm a legionaire.

Yeah. That's like you're about to prestige. You're going to be reincarnated as a legionaire. Yeah. Although it is like literally, I think it's like super pneumonia, which does seem worse than the poop virus, but also is that thing going away? Because isn't it also one of these things that's like it's so new and we've never seen anything like this before? No, no, no. It's it's something that we monitor normally that the budget cuts of FDA or whatever. It's like a normally monitored thing and it's literally contaminated with poop leaves

like fecal matter and it's also people who aren't washing their hands at the restaurants who are getting who have the poop infection without them knowing and then they get poop on their hands and they put it on the food. I read I read if you get if you get it like you can be having explosive diary for months without and you if you don't get treated you know but they did say it's very treatable oh it is okay well thank god thank god for that i saw a guy and he already was twinkie before having the diarrhea squirts and then he had that got it he got it and he looks like even better i don't not better he looks emanciated like concentration cams he looks emancipated he looks emancipated he looks emancipated he looks emancipated he looks emancipated

Is not it? Not it? Take another stab out of it. I'll tell you that's wrong. Emanciated? No. That's what you just said. Emaciated.

Yes. There you go. Malapurism to a grammar lesson. Malapurism. I'll get there one day. Speaking of words, I've been obsessed with these Instagram reels. I'm so jealous I didn't come up with this idea. But it's like all of these.

young guys like doing a man on the street interviews which is of course a terrible format and if you're doing that you should be shot in the head but this is like the only one ever that has made me laugh where he is going on and asking people like are you um would you rather be gay or be a gamer would you rather be gay or a gamer? Would you rather be gay or a gamer? Would you rather be gay or a gamer? Like if you're sitting on your ass or if you're going to like tournaments and making money. Okay, yeah. So, game. And then he cuts it off because of course everyone is saying a gamer, but he cuts the video off before they come announce to the M. And it's, I mean, it's so obvious what he's doing. Yeah, a homoer, homeowner. So fucking funny because all these guys be like, okay, a gate, okay.

And then get homeowner or homeowner. And I was trying to think of one. I'm like really inspired by this format. And I wanted to do one, would you rather be trans or transferred one billion dollars right now? I also have one for trans. Well, what's yours? Would you rather be trans or transcend by achieving nirvana? That's a really good one.

That's a really good one. I have a dark one. Oh, you did one? Let's hear it. No, I just thought of a really bad, like it. Okay, okay. Yeah. How far can we take it?

Okay, so you get 50 woke people and you ask them, how do you like your fish and chips? Do you like it with tartar sauce or with vinegar? and then... Well, see, that wouldn't really work because you're just... Yeah. I mean, I do like where you're going with that one. You get the wokenest people.

And then you cut... You have a super... You cut them slurring. They're saying the N-word. Right, right, right. You just cut to them slu... Right. How do you get someone to say gypsy?

What is... Talk to you for five minutes and you'll drop... Yeah, you could just talk to... No, but like... What word has gypsy in it? Gypsum... Is kind of the... there.

Gypsy is a hard one. I can't think of anything. You say coffee or juice and when they, and then you cut it to say Jew. Well, that's not that bad, right? Yeah. You're just thinking of how do you get people to say a bad word? And I guess Jew is one of them for you.

No, no, no. But the way it works is you have to say, it has to be like, would you rather be or like, it's this or that. And then the first syllable is a word that sounds like something else like gay or gamer, trans or transferred? What about this one? Would you rather be non-binary or not buying any of these groceries? Have you been to the store recently? They're too damn high. I think that one, it would take a lot of fine editing, but I do think you get a not buying

not buying any and make it kind of, that's the only way I could make non-binary work. How's this? How's this one? Ready? Listen to this one. Would you rather die or dine with Jay-Z? Okay. Bye. Everyone would rather die. Yeah. So, you ask all these people to say, do you think that taxes are currently low or high? And then you get the super cut of everyone saying, hi.

And then you read it and you say, okay, what's the only way to go to a funeral? And everyone goes, hi. Hi. Okay. Again, kind of a twist on the format, but I do like the creativity. Do you have any more, Ben? Would you rather have AIDS or AIDS? A-I-D-E-S, but that doesn't really work.

But that one is lo-key bulletproof because no matter what they say, this one's just more of a genuine question. Would you rather have AIDS or would you rather play eight ball? Eight ball. A ball, I think. Yeah. Okay, Hesse, please continue. I was good.

Though I have a similar one, would you rather be hung or hand? and that one might be that one is a little tough that's a work in progress that's a work in progress how's this how's this would you rather be rich or

okay wait I just realize this one doesn't really work would you rather be rich or Rich Leo's favorite altar boy but that one people would say rich the longer one yeah yeah yeah yeah so I still like it I like it

but no one can be can want to be molest if you ask him that way. I was going to say molest. I'm trying one for molest, mole. Yeah, yeah. You make one.

Mole. Yeah. Like a, like a rodent. Would you rather be molested or a mole less? Or have less moles on your body. I'm trying to think of a word. If you had a cancerous mole, would you rather be molested or have your Molescent by a dermatologist.

Yes, that's really good. That's really good. If you had a cancer or some mold, would you rather be molested or molested by a doctor? Or have your molested by a doctor? Yeah, it's a really good one. How so? You get people to, you ask them to make a statement against rape,

and every person says, me too, I stand against rape and then they edit the against as and and they and they and they and they and then they and then they replaced the four for or they replaced the against four so the super edit of everyone says I I stand for that'd be good wait I have a okay would you rather um would you rather what's better uh rape or an a rapa A rape or in a rapa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And rape.

I love a rapus. They're so good. I'm going to cut that. I love a rapist. When I had it, I love rape. They're so good. Yeah, yeah. A rapists are really good, though.

Don't give you more material to work with here, Jack. I do prefer papuces, though. Hessa, what have you got? All right. How's this? This one might not work. I haven't really gamed it out super well in my head. would you rather be in gay love with a fat faggot or engaged and in love with a beautiful woman?

And then they say engaged and then, but you could cut it. Okay. Yeah. That one doesn't really have to. Here's another one. Okay. Here's a good one. Here's a good one.

Would you rather have a fat body or a fat body of knowledge about your favorite subject? Oh, that's a really good one. I was trying to make fat work and I couldn't. The only one I did was the only one I could do with fat was, would you rather be obese? or obeseeing your loved ones in heaven. You can have to obesity. But it still wouldn't really work. What other one?

Okay. What else? I mean, faggot is... Would you rather be obese or a beast? Right. That's good. That's good.

That's good. Yeah. Would you rather be dumb or dumbfounded by how smart you are? That's perfect. Perfect, perfect. Perfect setup. No notes on that one. No notes.

What I, faggit is hard. I'm against the Catholic Church. and then everyone says I'm four. What? I think you are getting further and further from understanding what's going on. I need you to understand what's, because I want, give me another one. Try your hardest. Think about the original, would you rather be gay or a gamer?

Okay, okay. Think of a word. What word do you want to make these people say? Shit. Shit? No, no, that's not the word. I just, it's like a, it's a difficult, it's a difficult thought to pan out. I can tell.

So you have to think of a word first. Do you, do you prefer consent or non-consent? And then you make everyone say, I prefer non-consent. Okay. So you got the first step down. Basically, I just want anyone to sound like a rapist or a racist. I understand that. So if you want to, if you want to get them to say, would you, would you rather be a rapist or a racist, jock?

there we go probably a racist whoa okay I mean come on come on come on come on that's a

I think racist is a hard one too yeah race is oh what about this would you do you do you believe in

racist or race is a societal construct okay how about this would you rather be racist or would you rather would you rather be

would you rather have a day of being racist or a day at the races? Oh, there we go. That's good. Here you go. Here's one. Here's one. What age did you attend your first

dance at school? And then you cut, you take the question out and you replace it with what age is your girl friend. And everyone's like, oh, 14, 17, oh,

13. One. Guy, with a backward tat, sticking his tongue out. Can we try to do... I'm trying to think of one for pedophile. Yeah. Would you rather be a pedophile or... Do you prefer...

Like foot pedicure, would it work? Ped. Do you prefer JPEGs or pedophiles? And then you just get everyone saying... And then you... Tell me how old you are. And then everyone says, I'm. And then you cut.

it, I'm a pedophile. Okay, got it. What about this? What about this? What's your mom's maiden name? What was your childhood pet? You ask them all these things. And then you hack their computer and you post something racist on their social media. This is on the right track.

I like this is getting, it's actually destroying people's lives. Well, PDF file does, of course, work. That's like TikTok's chosen parlance for it for their like Instagram. So you could say, do would you rather be would you rather download the content

that was made by a pedophile or a PDF file and then you could of course it would be a little bit too obvious unfortunately it's a little yeah yeah I feel like um how's I'm really trying to think of another one for

gay it has to do that and then I have an idea would you rather be would you rather be in a gay or engaged? In gay. Yeah. Would you rather be in a gay or engaged? And the answer is in gay.

I know. Gay or gaugged? I think I'm getting... And then it's apostrophe. John, let's do it this way. Since you are struggling with the concept, you give me and Hessa a word and we will come up with the prompt. Well, I just, I think I have one already.

Okay. Let's hear it. you rather have the first name Oprah or the last name Winfrey? And then we combine all the clips. So it's people saying Oprah and then Winfrey. Okay. It doesn't really do that one at all. What doesn't do anything bad?

It's like a really weird clip of people saying Oprah and another person say Winfrey. Sure. Okay. Give us a word. Well, at that point, though, you could just go up to people and say, can you say Oprah into the microphone or can you say Winfrey? Okay. Are you ready for the word? Are you ready for the word?

Are you ready for the word? Yes, please. Yeah. Gastro and test. Would you, so would you rather? Would you rather be gastro or would you rather be intestinal? Would you rather have gas or would you rather have gas for life, free gas for life? Well, they'd say free gas.

Would you rather have freak gas or free gas for life? How's that? Would you rather constantly have orgasms all the time or would you rather have to work in a rotissory chicken factory? six days a week. I would probably rather work in the chicken bagger because having an orgasm every second of the day seems like hell. Yeah. Yeah. There was that one...

There was that one person who... Oh yeah, didn't he really kill himself or something? No, he transitioned. Whoa. She transitioned. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry for disgendering. Because it was like, oh, I have to like, I have to like chop my cock off to stop the orgasms.

I think she said that it helped completely. It was like Which makes sense. Between the hormones and everything It's like, chop my cock into pieces. This is my last wrist horn. It really was. This makes my penis hoars.

Yeah. Okay. Would you rather transition to a woman or transition to a man? That's for the listeners to comment. Okay. Okay. Well, transition is good. that one should be pretty easy

would you rather transition or okay would you rather watch the movie lost in translation or would you rather be lost in transition yeah we just need another movie title that has see now Jacques is getting me off of it and I can't remember how to do it anymore

I knew he would not be able to execute a single one you okay Jacques you're walking back and forth pacing nervously. Me, Tommy hurts a little. I'm just trying to, just trying to let it settle inside of my own. I got the poop thing. Because you know it takes like 10 days

to like show something. Yeah, but it's not, it's not. When did you have the salad? 11 days ago. No, you did not. No, it was like 10, 11 days ago. It might be happening. Period.

No, I don't have it. I don't have it. No. I deny. I rebuke the devil. Trying to think of one for the poop disease. Would you rather have the poop disease or? Would you rather be denied or be Denny?

Well. Would you rather have poop disease or would you rather have poop disease? Have proof. Would you rather catch a predator or would you rather watch the movie Predators too? Your synapses are like a one way fucking row. in like the Balkans. Yeah, it's literally like a Tesla coil in Jock's brain. There's one that still works.

And it's just shooting electric currents all over. Yeah. I want to think of a good one. It's so addictive and probably terrible radio to just be thinking like this. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me, it's a restaurant. Would you rather be a nugget or have chicken nuggets? No, Hester Jock fucked you up.

The first word. You can't just work You just pepper by the Out of the fucking bathroom I'm gonna use the restroom for a moment Yes yes No you can't just It's too easy

Jock is like Because the cut has to come midway into the The only cut can be midway into the word Otherwise it doesn't Yeah yeah I'm trying to think like gay dumb Fagg What else is in Fag

Well Fag you have to start thinking of where's that start with fag then. Yeah. Which there's one. Faggett. Right.

Fagg. Fogot. If you like, Fogot if you're talking to someone in like Boston or something. Fug. But then it would be Fug

that it would say. Would you rather be fuggly or Faggett? Forgetful. Forgetful would be good. Yeah. Yeah. Um, what other words

could you make people? say. Yeah, it's because it's hard. It's actually kind of hard to think of words. Oh, it's really hard. Die is, like, would you rather die or directly... Die your hair.

Die your hair blonde. Yeah. But then that feels like cheating because it's just the same word. Direct a film would be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you rather be... Would you rather be blind?

or blinded by the brilliance of a beautiful woman who's in love with you? People would definitely say blinded by the beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that works. It's just, what's funny to me about transfer to billion dollars is that anyone saying that it's like such an obvious choice that there would be some enthusiasm in transfer to billion dollars or like some annoyance if you asked such a stupid question. But then after the edit, it would be like, like, it would just remove everything. Yeah, but they would be saying.

be saying it with like some amount of enthusiasm I would imagine. I like a fat body of knowledge. Fat body of knowledge is really good. Yeah, I was struggling with fat. Obese, the best one I can do is what we're seeing. What other, I mean, would you rather be, I mean, retarded is too difficult. Would you rather be deaf or defiant in the face of adversity? Deaf, yeah.

It's a really good one for deaf. Really good one. would you rather have or anything of STDs now herpes? Would you rather have oh, would you rather have herpes or her pea soup? And pointing at a beautiful woman

Yeah, this is a beautiful, beautiful woman that I bring with me. A big caraph of pea soup. Yes, yes. Would you rather have herpes or her pea soup? Yes, she's holding a giant pot that's labeled pea soup and her tits are out. what about would you rather have would you rather drink pee or pea soup there you go yeah there you go all right we're getting back into it we're getting back into it um gonorrhea

would you rather have gonorrhea or gone i mean gone her but that doesn't really make any sense syphilis is a tough one what about like a ls feels like you could get i feel like abbreviations are easier would you rather have a ls or would you rather have a ls or would you rather have a A. L. Well, then you could start speaking Spanish. An LS Lexus.

Ooh. A. L.S. Lexus. Yeah. Um, would you rather have chlamydia, but that is,

that seems like a real challenging one. Yeah, that's impossible. Um, would you have dementia or Demen? Dement.

Dement. Dement. Uh. If you did a Jamaican accent, if you did a patois, there could be, I feel like there could be a hundred ways to support that. Well, then maybe you only interview Jamaican people. Yeah. You're going to like Crown Heights. Yeah, yeah.

Would you rather have dementia or dimensional powers that you can travel in the fifth dimension? That's really good. Dimensional. Yeah, that works perfectly. Dimensional. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Hmm.

Would you rather do, okay, would you rather do the Holocaust or holocaust of bread is too high? That doesn't make sense. Where would you rather be the Holocaust or the hall across from here? And then you're like, we have to incentivize them to want to be in the hall. So it's like the hall across, the hall across from. a room full of baddies. Yeah. Because then they'd say, of course,

I'd rather be in the hall across. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jock, your mic is muted. Sorry, I said, consider that clogged. Ew.

Are you not even at your own house right now? I know, it's the second time I've clogged just totally well, I was not home. That is. How many times do you clogged while he is home? Once. So three times. it was this trip.

I cannot believe he still lets you stay there. I know. It's like the third year. He still lets you stay there. That is he's the way too nice. Do you pay him? No, but I clean his whole apartment for him.

I'm sure you do a great job. I'm really amazing at cleaning. Just because my room is messy doesn't mean I'm not an expert level cleaner. I could make. Well, why don't you try taking care of the clogged toilet? Well, before he gets back after this call. Yes, that's a plan.

Yeah. Okay. Would you rather clog a toilet or? Okay. a good situation. Would you rather clog a toilet on a first date, or would you rather clog a toilet on Christmas Day at your family's house, and everyone

has to take a turn trying to unclog the toilet in your family? Is the date going well? Is the date going well? Yeah, the date's going really well. Where are you? Are you at their house? Or his apartment?

His or her apartment or their apartment? Because if it's at a restaurant, I'm doing it there. There's no question about breaking the restaurant bathroom. Who are you to play? I'm good. I will be doing that. I will be doing that.

I would do Christmas Day for sure. Probably just, you have to know your family until you die. I would probably just do first date and then decide I'll never see that person again in my life. Yeah, that's an interesting choice. Yeah, I would do the family. I'd rather try to. And then if that, it's actually a good task because if that person really likes you, they won't care. Actually, kind of a really good way to weed out the fakes is to totally blow up their bathroom

the first time you see them. I would be so embarrassed. I wouldn't be able to do that. I would, I would be like, I'm... Oh, I wouldn't say anything. I would just... On a scale of one and ten, I just blew that total. I would just be like, oh, sorry, you look like a guy who raped me once and I can't do this anymore, and I'd leave.

We've... Would you rather tell... Would you, if you're on a date with... If you're on a date with a trans woman. Oh, no. Would you rather say... You look like a guy I used to know. You look like a guy, or you look like a guy.

guide on a spirit journey that I went on one time. That's really good, Hessa. If you were on a date with a trans one, would you rather say you look like a guy or look like a guide on a spirit journey I once went on? I love that one. That's really good, Hessa. That's creative of you.

That's really good, because now we're kind of wetting the hypotheticals. I'm back in this now. I now have, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were, hmm, okay, can we do it for transmen? If you were on a date with a trans man, would you rather say you look like a woman or you look like girl might be easier. Would you rather say you look like a girl or

a grill I want to cook hamburgers on? Well, that doesn't make any sense because what kind of person would look like that? Yeah, if you're on a date with a trans man, would you rather say you look like a girl or you look like a girl? Gorilla. Would you rather be, would you rather be a Native American? Which would be a compliment to many trans men as well.

I don't know if it would. Wait, guerrilla? I really don't think it would. Yeah. There's some of the most muscular and manly like animals out there, I feel like. Donkey Kong. Trans man, let us know if that's a compliment to see you look like a gorilla. Would you, would you rather be Native American or would you rather be a Native of America?

That doesn't make any sense, chalk. That's like a right-wing, like, crazy right-wing type question. Would you rather- Like, Stephen Crowder? Okay, we can do it this way. Let's switch out the gender for race. You're on it. Let's say you're on it.

Would you rather be on a date with a Latino person and say, you look, how do you mean? No. How you say? You look, it'd have to be a negative stereotype from Mexico. Mexicans, right? So if you want to date with a Mexican person, would you rather say you look undocumented or you look a... Very well documented. No, jock, shut up, you're confusing me. Or you look under...

So hard. Ted. How about this? You can guess the first part, but the second part would be, um, um, You're... Okay, I don't want to say this one. Uh-oh. But it has to do with their backyard and the sprinkler system that's out there. What?

And they're Latino. I'm not going to say it. No, I'm not going to say it. I'm so confused as to what you're talking about. I was going to say, you're wet. Oh, wet back. Okay, so you're on a day with the Mexican. Would you rather say you look like a wet back

or you look like a what your back something about the backyard something about the backyard or you look what has to be you look like and then it has to be something they can look like um

you look like a wet I don't think you even need the beginning of the sentence you just say like because it's bad to even just say that right it doesn't you yeah yeah just say yeah okay so would you rather So would you rather be on a day with the Mexican and say wet back or wet... Backyards are so much healthier than dry ones?

Wet backyards are so much healthier than dry ones. Yes. Yes. There we go. We got it. It was a long and lonely journey. I love this. So fun.

So fun. That would be terrible. Don't say that everyone. And I didn't say it. Ben said it. That's fine. Whatever. Hey, we forgive you for your inherent.

racism, bitch. Would you rather be a bitch or be a bitch shy of or a bit shy? Would you rather be a bitch or a bit shy? But then people, I would say bitch. I would just go ahead and say bitch. Yeah, that's the thing. They have to be incentivized,

you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And who wants to be a bit shy? That's not. There's no confidence. Would you rather be a thought? A bitch, a bit shy of pedophiles. Would you rather be a thought or a thoughtful person? I think plenty of people would say thought. Unfortunately, with the world, we live fit.

No, I'm kidding. Period. Would you rather go to Blockbuster, or would you rather bust some blocks? Again, you're not getting it at all. I'm really trying. I'm trying to walk you through it, but I don't, I think it's, you don't need to, is the thing. Yeah, it's fine. You're fine, Doc.

You don't have to understand this. In 2008, there was a Tyra Banks episode where she interviewed Beyonce, as a promo for the Sasha Fierce tour. Can I please ask you guys five questions that Tyra Banks asked Beyonce? Aren't these questions like all so specific to be? It's like, would you rather be beyond say, cessful? Yeah.

Okay, okay. You're both answering as yourselves, but I'm addressing y'all as Beyonce. Okay, Beyonce. Bionce? Biontze. What was the last time you bought something in a store? And she was just fully like, I don't know what bananas called.

I bought some groceries like an hour ago. Last thing I bought in a store, I bought Zinn. Last thing I bought in a store was eight grams of wax. Okay. Ciance, if you could communicate with anybody who passed away, who would it be? mine is Einstein what would you ask Einstein first of all

what he thought about the way would you rather be trans or a transformer would you rather what do you think about the way I live do you think I should transform do you think I should transform what do you think about the way I live and Albert Einstein like snaps back to earth from heaven I actually have an Einstein shirt I'm going to wear later today that I

Is it so like Einstein smoking a giant blooms? It is literally Einstein smoking a joint. Yeah, I knew what. Period. So, say, Anse, if you could communicate with anybody who's passed away, who would it be? Did you find these questions by Googling you with AI, like word trick questions? No, I had this prepared for earlier. There's some kind of overlap here with a wordplay at hand, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. This is a hard one because there's, I mean, there's various different avenues. You could bring someone back from the dead. You hate so you could taunt them for being dead. You know, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ask Alan Dulles, a bunch of questions about the CIA. Right. Did you guys kill Kennedy?

Do you guys do? I would go further back and I would, I would resuscitate King Tut and ask him out the pyramids were made. And then I would record the interview and sell it to TMZ for, $5 billion. Yeah. Oh, I would ask Jesus if he's white. Oh, period. Yeah.

Easy. Period. Okay. So let me move on to some of these last ones. Brie, Brieonce, what's your favorite type of cheese? That's a good question. I mostly eat a lot of parm.

I literally this morning for breakfast had an avocado and parmesan cheese. It's so good. It has a lot of Miami. I think it's it just has the most utility for me in my life, but I do also love, I love a humbled fog. I love a really nice goat cheese. I would say parmesan though just simply because it's the one I use the most. It's so good. I eat it a lot too. And also parmesan and yogurts contain a lot of lysazine. That is true. Okay. I would say Romano probably for utility. I have a good pecorino

Me, I like Camerabert Camera Baird Camera Baird Sasha Fierce When was the last time You was a little tipsy? Wednesday night

I watched the game And got I being drunk The problem is I'm not often tipsy It's never, you know, it's more Yeah, yeah Yeah Yeah, yeah

end up being drunk, if you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think Sunday night watching the game, or not Sunday. When was the game? The last one was Tuesday. And then, the last one was Wednesday. There was a game right before that. No, the World Cup is not over.

I do believe the finals are taking place today. And by today, I mean Sunday. No, no. It's the third place game. It's the third place game. Oh, it's France, England. Yeah. Sunday.

Or no, the third place game is tomorrow. And then the final. is Sunday. Yeah, that's what I mean, but because it's what we got Sunday. So it'll be Spain versus Argentina. Final question. Of course, I'm hoping, I am hoping that Spain wins. I did have a moment of weakness

after seeing Argentina beat England, and I was like, you know what, fuck it, I'm I'm an Argentine now. I'm going to speak in their weird fucking accent, and I'm going to, yeah. Yeah. I'm an albatross.

Period. What does that mean now? It's a song, and y'all said Argentinian. It just kind of had the similar thing. Final question. All right. If I were Tolstoy, can you do a Russian accent? That's one of the literal questions.

I can't. I'm, you know, famously terrible with accents, and I won't try. I think I could do one. Probably a bit exaggerate. Wait, just going Italian. It started like Melania, and then it went so Italian. I used to be pretty good. It went asage.

Well, that's just a baby Yeah, you just did a baby accent Well, you were starting to go baby When you said, I was not starting to go baby You were starting to go baby. She was not. You were a baby driver

She was going like Transylvania Emphasis on the Tran, hello Hello Would you rather be from Transylvania Would you rather be trans from Pennsylvania? Would you rather be a Transylvanian vampire Or would you rather be a Transylvanian vampire Or would you rather be a Transylvania?

transgender parentheses Rocky Horrible and vain trans and vain trans and vain there's that song that's good

Hessa I'm just a sweet transvesti from transsexual transylvania so you would ask Albert Einstein

if you should transition well that would be one of the questions but the main one would just be like he would be like what's transition I would disappear why do we work this out

has he you be Einstein jock you be yourself. Okay, so Einstein. Where am I? Einstein, I brought you back from the dead in order to ask you a few questions. I'm basically going to give you an overlay out of how I do my day.

It's a lot of dabs. Did the world ever use a nuclear weapon again? No, Dr. Einstein, it's not about weapons. We should just forget about what you're. So the U.S. and the Soviet Union, they did not destroy each other. Oh, Einstein, this is not about the cold war.

I don't have that much time. I'm on a say on say. I need you to tell me now, have my series of relativity ever conflicted with the new burgeoning science of quantum mechanics? I thought you won the pure surprise.

I think you're not understanding what I'm trying to say. I need you to cut out the little dribble jibble, listen to what I'm saying. What happened to my wife? Did she remarry? I thought you were gay, so I don't even know why we're getting into her. Why she's just dead. You've been dead for years.

I'm going back to hell. No, no, no, no, no. You must tell me. No, I, I need you to slow it down. You're going to be here for a few hours. I need to tell you about my day-to-day for the last four years. I need you to give me a good summary with your genius brain and make sure what I'm doing is correct in the way I'm living is exactly how it should be.

I need some affirmations. I can tell, just looking at you with my friend. It's not. That's not very fair, Einstein. You don't even know what it means to be fat. Show him your bald. I might give you some sympathy if you have the same hair. Oh.

I didn't know we were brothers. Brothers in arms, so to speak. Can you nut in heaven, Einstein? No. But you can. But you can get railed, if you will. I can't believe that you're like, where's my wife? And she didn't make it to heaven.

If she's not in heaven, she's not only in one place, she's dead in heaven. That is a good point. Your stupid wife, you have not been able to talk. You have ADHD, Dr. Einstein. You can't even keep up with me. I'm trying to... Is that Israel stuff? How did that go?

Theory of relativity, more like theory of ADHD hyperactivity, you dumb fuck, faggot. Goodbye. That's how he goes. You offended him. You offended him, and he's going back to hell. He ran out of time. You lost your thought. You couldn't even...

you know, be nice to him and now he was gone. You'll never know if you should have transitioned. I never know. Damn it. He had the equation too. He wrote an equation. He wrote the world's longest equation. Well, if you divide.

Get his world record for world's longest equation. E equals MC killed yourself. Well, if you divide the Cajun penis by the amount of rotissue chicken. There we go. E equals M.C.

Q.E equals M.C. Brick is like. the new dimensionality he'll have to discover before the brick jock becomes I would be such a break. This is my equation. This was the origin of my black hole equation. Sucker equals M.C.

I think it's, darling. I think if people want to imagine what it would look like when I transition, I just want you to remember the ugliest person you went to high school or freshman year or college with. That's a woman. It would just be the, it would be the,

It would be the failed experiment at making the fourth power of Puff girl. Is someone younger than you? Is someone younger than you? Is what you would look like? No, I would look older. They would be like, why is there that 97 woman? And someone would whisper, be like, that girl is 33.

97 woman. Why is there that 97 woman? Period. I'm trying to think of another one now. I wish that we could go out dancing together. in-cell or would you rather be in-cell or in-cell-l-l-l-l-labration or in-celebrations really good

yeah in-celebration of having a lot of sex yes would you rather be in-cell or would you rather be cell from Dragon Ball Z? Not, it doesn't make any sense. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Would you rather be jailed

or jail Would you rather have a penis or a vagina or intersex? Let us know in the comments. Would you rather be Would you rather be Ben Hesse or Jacques? Leave a note in the comments. Period.

I'm just trying to think of a bad word and how to structure the prompt. Would you rather be a Nazi or an Israel? Well, Nazis is good. Yeah, I mean, would you rather be a Nazi or... Well, Nazi's good. Clip that.

Because Nazis is because it's like Nazi, you know? Yeah. But then it's like, how do you structure this? Would you rather be... Okay, would you rather have sex with a Nazi? Or a Nazi? Or a Nazi. Any ugly bitches ever get in your life.

Would you rather have sex or the Nazi? Would you rather be a Nazi or... Okay, I'm trying to think of not and... Not C. A not C. Like a seaman tying a knot, you know, like a sailor. I think that might be a good introduction, a good way to get there. Would you rather drink a seaman or...

Cement your reputation as a very strong and powerful man in the world. Perfect. Oh, beautiful. Would you rather drink semen or cement your reputation as a powerful man in the world? See it, just 50 guys saying semen. Would you rather become a Navy? It's all without hesitation, just being like, semen. Seaman.

Would you rather be a Navy? I'd rather semen. Would you rather be? I'd rather semen. Definitely semen. Definitely semen. Would you rather? I love that one so much jock.

You're just going to say, would you rather? be Dragon Ballsy or Tokyo Tony or some shit. No, literally. Would you rather be a Navy seaman serving for the U.S. Army on a boat, or would you rather drink a gallon of semen in one setting in under 30 minutes and earn $3,000? It's getting so Mr. Beast, gay Mr. Beast. Yeah, literally. I look, I look, 10 guys in a department store made than drink semen.

I jacked off 100 of my closest friends. Would you rather watch 10 straight hours of Saturday Night Live? Or would you rather watch a four days worth of mad TV? Now I'm just thinking about how evil gay Mr. Beast would be. Thank God that does it. It would just be the total rape challenges each time. Would you rather get paused or would you rather? You could do this one.

Actually, you could pause is not a bad one. You could do this. Think about this. So would you rather, think about it. I really want you to. What is a sentence that starts with pause? Would you rather put a pause on your life? No.

Or would you rather get paused? No, no, shut up, because you're saying put a pause. You do not understand how this works and it's so troubling to me because I want my friend to be able to put together a trick like this. So would you rather be pause or then you have to offer something that starts with be pause and then continues. And that thing has to be the preferential answer. Does this all make sense to you?

Yeah. So would you rather be pause or would you rather be positive all the time to your community and be a beacon of light? You did it. You did it. You did it. You did it. Okay.

Can I do one more though? Please. Yeah, go ahead. Would you rather bring back Blockbuster or Toys R Us? Totally lost it. Completely lost it. Neither. I'm not a fucking baby.

I really been craving going to toys. Would you rather go to Books a Million or Barnes & Noble? Neither, I don't care. What is Books a Million? It's like probably one store that existed in Lafayette. Literally. It got burned down for insurance money. 1,000%.

Okay, Jock, you want to think of another word. Let's work this out one more time. I want to see you succeed. Think of another word. Pause was good. The posit is perfect. That is a really good set. The pot is a perfect word for it. So think of another scenario.

I had such a good one, but I lost it. I can't remember it. Fuck. Herpes? Would you rather have herpes? I did one earlier when you were in the bathroom for herpes and I made it work. Would you rather be sick? Would you rather have her peas or would you rather have her peas, comma, her big bowl of peas, specifically four gallons?

of buttered peas that you must eat. Doc, that's so funny, because you want to know what mine was? What? Would you rather have herpes or her pea soup? That's, yeah, you guys, they did. That's what we're brothers. You guys did pretty much separately arrive. It's the exact same one.

That's good. So we're friends for life. Okay, here's the one. Okay. Would you rather an open casket or a closed casket? Not it. Not, no. Okay, okay, wait.

We're sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Gonsland. we can't cremate yourself. It's too big. It would be too toxic. It would be too toxic. Would you rather have an open relationship or would you rather open your heart to God? No. Wrong.

Why is that wrong? It's just, that's not even fair. Would you rather listen to Insink or Backstreet Boys? I'm trying to think of one for a funeral now. Would you rather listen to Matchbox 20? I'm not answering any of these. Or would you rather listen to Bare Naked Ladies.

I can't think with him. I can't think with him. I can't think with her. I'm screaming. Well, we'll come up with more. Everyone, thank you for listening today. Leave yours in the comments, too. Leave yours in the comments if you have any.

Would you rather? Shut the hell up. Shut the hell up. I'm ending the episode. We came with some really good ones today. So if you have any to offer, let's keep this going. Everybody say sausage, pass it on kind of vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And until next week, we'll be back on Patreon.

Go subscribe to our Patreon for bonus episodes. And jogged. I can see your squirt. Ming. Hesse, go ahead, Jock. Pause. Would you rather be Italian or Italian-Talented person? Italian-Toriented person. I would definitely choose Italian,

but Jock, go ahead. Two things. My email to book me is yay, very fun at gmail.com. Second, I will be leaving a link to my cousin's Instagram. She is a Cajun. they, living on a house boat. She is a Cajun

they. They are a Cajun they living on a houseboat in France, living off of making jewelry and are in a jewelry internship, and I'm going to post their jewelry. You must support my cousin because they are the only queer cousin I have,

and they live in France, and they're living the dream. They should just do an interview with them about their lifestyle. Yeah. Well, yes, that too. But shout out to my cousin. Go buy the jewelry. Shout out, cousin. And until next week, by everyone.

Have an amazing Sunday. Bye. My name I'm To go to the people Today is my day My soul My name

My name I'm going to La La La La