Seeking Derangements - SD 520 - Women's Academy w/ Greta

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Greta joins Jacques and Hesse. They discuss childhood obsessions, tried to take a quiz and failed, and debated what the coolest favorite rapper to have is.

I'm clicking the record, but I mute it myself. Oh, I see. It's a different button. Okay, dive on in. Welcome to the greatest episode of secret derangements ever. We are featuring none other than infamous war criminal Greta the Tug, O'Doyal, and also acclaimed espionage and demolition expert, Hessa. Hello. What's up, you?

to spies. Not much. Not much. I honestly forget what the word espionage means. It means being... It's like subterfuge. Leje lemmon. Espionage.

I genuinely was thinking like equestrian. Oh, period. Honey, espionage, we call that being fish. We call that being fresh. Excuse me? Period. Sorry.

This fish. I'm sorry, my mic was so low. My all trans women or spies joke wasn't going to take off, so I backed out of it. Is that the joke? Is that what you thought you were making your joke? Yes. Is that, okay.

Well, look, not all of us have, um, you know, the best brains around. Some of us are working with what we got. I do think trans women would make better spies. Well, of course. Than any other type of person. Because we're tricksters in nature. Yeah, we can do so many different disguises. We can change her voices.

True, true, true, true. I guess... Have you ever seen that video of Lily Tino? And she's like, how people imagine trans women going into the women's restroom when she's wearing like a fake like spy mustache and like a French maid outfit? And she's like,

do, do do do. Period. period. It's so fucking tea for some reason. I mean, that's how I be going into the women's bathroom. Oh yeah, when I'm in there like I'm up to no good. Whatever they say is happening, I'm doing it.

I'm actually, I'm always so scared. I'm always, I literally like go in, like looking at my feet, like speed walking into his stall. Yeah. What do you look at us? I wash my hands like speed run. I like clap the water. Yeah, literally. Why are you so concerned about

what the feet look like? Are you wearing like tan timbulins? Flippers. No. Oh, yeah, I'm wearing flippers. Now, Jacques, you begged for control of this episode. I know, and I'm just asking, what is it? What is the trans bath?

I know, I just want to, but I also want to read some texts that you sent me and Greta. I'm worried about. Less than an hour ago. Okay. What shall we talk about? Looking through the news right now, I guess Trump is pissed. they are going to dismiss the phony vandalism charge, and I don't know what that means.

Okay, so if you don't. I have been searching for topics for an hour, anyone. And then I said, you said yesterday you wanted to take the reins on this one. Okay, now, don't need to embarrass me in front of the entire audience. I said I would try, and I have been. Oh, well, I was trying, and then I scrapped what I had because we canceled the lineup. That text from Jock was so like, who do you think you are? Yeah, literally.

Running around leaving. It's like you don't even care that I tried. It's like it doesn't matter that I tried just because I failed. Shut the fuck up. Why are you making me out to be a villain? I just was trying to take the rains when no rains were being taken and then. And your plan like an hour before recording was we should watch white chicks and review it. Well, okay.

No, no, he told me Norbert. But then I was like, I don't know if I'm ready for that. Well, I said Norbit originally, and then it was all pro Norbit in the recordings. I love Norbit. Then we get to Norbit behind the scenes, IRL. Oh, don't have enough time for Norbit. Can't fit Norbit into my life. You can't.

It's impossible to watch Norbit in one hour, I think. I think it is like probably two hours. I always think, I literally, I say it in my head all the time. I don't weigh no 300 pounds. I weigh 155. or 165, how you do it. I'm not going to do the full like A-A-A-V-E. Like, I'm actually like, I'm trying to go on a hiatus from that.

Yeah. But it's literally one of the- The water slide scene. Oh. Yeah, I don't weigh no 300 pounds. I weigh 165. How are you doing? There's such a funny scene in that movie.

Well, don't spoil it. I haven't seen it yet. Wait. It's so good. It is, it's actually like impossible to watch. It is such an, like, and it's like not even like one of those movies where you can laugh at how bad it is. Like, it's awful. Like, there are some good scenes.

No, no, it's not awful. It's like literally hysterical. It's about true love. It's about defying what you think that you're supposed to be assigned to in life. It's about being the best version of yourself, even if it's unpopular. Period. Wake that up. And also, it's Eddie Murphy.

full yellow face pretending to be like an Asian person it's insane period I think that's like I don't know I mean like what can you do Eddie Murphy famously was picking up

transsexual hookers in Los Angeles he had a thing for them I thought it only happened once it was a multiple times oh it's never only once it's never only once no you just get caught once

exactly the same thing happened with I feel like when you're at that level of fame it's like you get bored with just like it's like you know pussy's boring let's try some of that I agree I think also like you get to a point where you're like you can have whatever you want

and then you start going into all these like rabbit holes and you're like well what about this and then next thing you know you're on Santa Monica Boulevard I've heard that Leonardo DiCaprio's doorman, so I'm bringing like a twink to his apartment when he was like really at the like tip of his fame. And he was like really, Leo was like really drunk. And he like slipped the guy like $500 or something and was like, uh, like, look, it's just like, I'm so bored.

Like something like that. Like I've already had all the women like. The concept. The concept of being like you guys, like telling all your little twin friends, like, I fucked Leonardo DiCaprio. Meanwhile, he's like, I was bored as shit. So I brought home this bad. Yeah, literally. Well, you know what?

You can only, sometimes people eat pussy and that's what they have for all their life. And sometimes they just want some strange. And strange could be a lot of different. That's actually a very salient point. That's a very salient point. Well, like, I love strange. She said strange on the last episode we did together. forgot about that. Well, it's like, okay, I could have that regular little bite of salmon or,

or I could have sushi. What's wrong with that? Like, would you... A bite of salmon describing it. Well, would you, would you rather have, um, like a fish dish that is prepared on an airplane flight that is going from, what are you talking? What do you say? Or would you rather have a fresh plate of fish at a fancy restaurant like Uchi? Are you referring to trans women as fresh plate of fish?

Because I'm not like upset, but like, is it wrong? No, I think it's true. I mean, it fish. Hello. Period. Period. No, I have some things. I mean, there's even breaks of fish.

Do you. Doc, you're so comfortable. You are one of the most like comfortable. non-trans women. Well, oh, wait. What if you... What if I... What the egg syndrome?

Anyone that Greta talks with could become an egg. I know. I do. Like, I actually do have that Judith Butler pussy, like... I mean, sour-skittles. I like farted. I also farted, like, right before this.

Kind of crazy. I've spent hours on the phone with Greta and never hurt her fart. She comes on one podcast recording. She's like, This is like my eighth seeking derangements, by the way. I am like a recurring. I'm like a friend of the housewives. Exactly.

You're, uh, what's her name? Kathy Hilton. Yes, I'm, I am. Kathy Hilton as far. The craziest thing that she ever did was mistaking precious for, for Lissau. I showed a picture. Oh, this top is Yitty. Oh, period.

I'm literally wearing Lizzo merch right now by accident. My mom gave it to me. Oh, it's good. Yeah, I mean, it looks really hot. It looks really good. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Why is she so sad all the time?

Wait, didn't Lizzo? I mean, people do kind of eat her alive. Like, she is one of those, like, one of those few celebrities where, like, all of the comments on her post to like love from Tel Aviv and stuff like yeah i mean i actually really like that trend of saying love from Tel Aviv and like saying like I'm israeli and this is my favorite song yeah eat her alive you might choke yeah hello it's the opposite of donatella versace which was quite illiterally on a post about Palestine fell out what he did yeah yeah oh yeah Donatella Versace.

Donatella. Versace. Purple heart. I love the constant. Capitalizing the last name. The Purple Heart is so good. It's so crazy. It's like, why, what did she think she was doing?

Like, did she know that she was just saying her name? Well, she's literally, it reads as Donatella, Versace. It was like her version of like, that was co-signed because that was some true shit you just said. Yeah, yeah, literally. We didn't know how to phrase it properly. You know she's like barred out. Yeah. Like if I was going to tell Versace, like, the IV of like liquid Xanax that she's probably

taking every single day. Yeah. She's probably like has a crazy doctor who's giving her the Michael Jackson morphine. Like, truly. She just zonked out. Oh, God. I missed that doctor. I wrote this.

I made this post. It was like her first time. Her first time actually using her own Instagram. Yeah. She doesn't know how. it got logged in. I must have to, I have to say my name,

obviously, before I put my heart. The way she probably just holds her phone in her hand and goes, Instagram, login. Like, she doesn't even know how to. Um,

wait, what are some of the, like, oh, my hair feels really, like, my hair actually feels really soft right now. I'm actually,

um, okay, ecstasy. This is just an audio. This, uh, you're like, oh my God. Am I hair?

Funny? because I also said that my eyes looked crazy. Can you imagine I'm like rolling? Oh, actually that would be so fab. Like, do like an episode where everyone's on ecstasy. I used to drink grain alcohol. We did that with Berlin SpeedPaste on one episode.

And it was... Berlin Speed Pace. Yeah, me, Jen and Ben. Like years ago. It's just like amphetamines or something. We went for like two and a half hours. Well, there was that infamous episode that like me and Angel were just ripping lines.

Yeah. We had to like edit it. It took like five months to upload. It did take like several months of editing and yeah. Cause jac kept saying there's no more there's no more video of them doing lines. And then six minutes in I was like Ben immediately take it down now. Yeah. Because it was literally it was literally like the the line was cut out.

But then like it was like Angel doing the actual line was cut out. But like she had like the tray where she was just like slicing up lines of Kennedy. it was just in full. Yeah. And Jacques, meanwhile, lying to us. Like,

no, there's definitely none in. I was not lying. I paid someone to edit it out and they told me it was edited out. And you didn't check it? Yeah, you didn't check it. I actually,

I think that came on this episode just to rip me. I'm sorry. That was like one of those episodes where, or that was like one of those moments when I realized that I had like been doing that. Like when I realized me and Angel were just ripping lines on camera, I downloaded the sober tracker app for like a week and a half. And then I was like, actually I'm kind of over it.

It's not that. But I literally was like, what the fuck was that? We all make mistakes with drugs. I have a question for you guys. Absolutely. And this is, I feel like this could tell me a lot about both of you. And it's, I watched Jurassic Park recently, which is like the best movie ever. What was the man that died?

Sam Neal. He was hot. Yeah, he was. But I was, and I was thinking, like, when you were a kid, did you, like, like, my brother was really into dinosaurs as a little kid. But then, like, did you have any, like, special interest, like, space? Like, when you were, like, really, really young. Like, oh, I already know.

Yeah, what is that? I used to think, like, and I want to say, like, like, I even was, like, not, I was a denier of the movie Blackfish. Like, I genuinely was, like, I'm not watching it because it's just, like, a negative vibe. Like, I don't want to know about that. Yeah. But I think, I think when I was a kid, I wanted to be, like, like, everyone wanted to to be like a marine biologist at one point or like a veterinarian. I like didn't I didn't I didn't even give a fuck about like helping them like I genuinely

wanted to like ride on a yeah I wanted to be like a sea world trainer and like I genuinely thought that it was really good for their mental health to have like a grown adult like standing on their face and like being lifted like I I wanted to be a whale trainer I wanted to be a sea world trainer yeah it's a great. Like, you know, before knowing anything about it, it seems like a glamorous, cool. Oh, yeah. So, I get to be best friends. Yes.

And they lie and say, like, they have, like, the most beautiful bond. Like, in reality, like, that whale is every day fighting the urge to kill you. Yeah, literally. Third, fourth grade, our teacher made us make these books about our future, where we would cut out magazine clips, like little... pictures and stuff and make collages on every section about how our future would be. So obviously we had to choose our own career, which was for me owning a jazz club that also doubled as an art gallery.

Tipitinas. You want to open your own tipitinas, darling? And now this is literally, and before even they were dating, I cut out a picture of John Mayer for myself, and I made Nora Jones, my wife. I thought you were going to say Norbit. Yeah, Norbit. I made Norbit my wife. Respeucia.

Respeach is so crazy. And the fact that he is acting as, people make jokes that he's one of the only people that can do a movie where it's four people all being played by Eddie Murphy. But really, who else could do that? You're not going to see Natasha Lee. I love Perry. I'll tell you, I'll tell you who does that.

I think the first person I can think of doing that is Richard Pryor. In like 1972, he was like doing that in movies, which is very fun. No, yeah, he was doing drag and he was doing like an old man and like young man. Well, he was sucking Marlon Brando's dick. Yeah, he was a free thinker. He was a he sucks his marlin, oh, he's a free thinker. He was enlightened. Yeah, he was the craziest thing himself when none of us.

knew how. Yeah. That guy was such a free thinker the way he would stick a cock in his mouth. No thought. But John, you were never into like space or anything like that or like dinosaurs, any of the big kid trucks? They prescribed

me Adderall from first grade to eighth grade, which would have been the perfect opportunity. I got prescribed it when I was in first grade as well. I was on... I'm still on it. Yeah. I was on 40 milligrams. I love Atterol. First grade, and by third grade, I was on, like, 50 or 60 milligrams, and it was just, like, too much for a child. Also, I couldn't swallow pills, so I'd have to get a tiny cup of water and let the pill dissolve into a tiny blue liquid and then take a shot of that.

And so I would go to school 30 minutes earlier, and I'd just be, like, tweaking in the stairwell. That's crazy. Listening to Sunny Day Real Estate. You were just, like, taking speedball hits of blue... I mean, literally, and then also I just, I was, they never should have given me diary, the Sunny Day real estate album. They never should have given me diarrhea. They never should. They fucked up when they gave me diarrhea.

First album I got was King Kong's Funny Farm. Second album I got was Spice World. Third album I got was Duky by Green Day. And fourth album I got was Daff Punk. And then I moved on fifth album, Diary. of a wimpy kid. No. Anne Frank's style.

Diary Van Fray. It was the audio book. Yeah, yeah. And y'all, I laughed all day. Listen to the last. And let me tell you, I could not believe my fucking ears. She's supposed to be blind and deaf and she's doing all this. Was it?

Was it? Me got me? I always mix them up. I always mix them up. And they're both just like not real. Well. And Frank is the male one. I believe that they're both.

Keller is fake. Well, I've had a lot of women approach me. I think it's vice versa. I think when you don't believe Jewish people. It looks like you sound like a bigot. I do. I believe. I think Anne Frank was real. I'm by the way. I'm kidding. Yeah. For the for for our Jewish listeners. When, um, when I was a kid though, I was really obsessed with, uh, Egypt, like ancient Egypt. And I like learned everything about it. And I was like, I'm going to learn hieroglyphics.

I tried to learn Arabic. I got the Rosetta Stone Arabic language learning CD. Or I asked for it for like Christmas. And my parents were like, why don't we get you Italian instead? Right, close enough. Yeah, this was like, we kind of grew up in like a sensitive time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom was very, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Louisiana is the East Coast. Wait, you're from Buffalo, Hess? Yeah. Hessa. Period. I mean, can I, do people call you just Hesse? Sometimes. You know what?

I know it's Hessa, but for some reason I just, when I see the E on the end. Yeah. She'll always be saying Hesse. Oh, you got to record an episode with Hesse. Just first name. Like, I'm already like nicknaming. If her name was Hesse, she'd have gold teeth. She'd be.

Like Ben Mora, I just call him B. And call me. Pure. The idea of calling it B is... Oh, you know B, Mora? You know B? We were talking about like angel stud. Have you seen those like, what's your stud name?

What's your real name? Yeah. You're saying angels would be A money, but then they'd be like, what's your real there? She'd be like, Angelica. I like to say her name is Angelica Money's Worth. I think it's so... I'm imagining it. My stunt name is Angel Money's Worth.

My real name is Angel Money Mafia. Reverend Angel Money Mafia. Lieutenant Angel Money Mafia. Dr. Reverend Lieutenant Angel Money Mafia. Dr. Reverend's Angel Nutmeg Ganesh. Dr. Angel, hallelujah, money, Williamson. The Dr. Reverend's Angel Kuntake. This is the finest recipe in town, darling.

Sometimes we just come on this podcast and we just talk about Angel Money for Tinder. And we all laugh. On the note or on the topic of Angel Money one time, I can't remember if it was like me, the episode that we did with Kay Poir or if it was like, I can't remember, but it was like an episode with me, Angel Jock. I think that, I think that it was just that. But, and then people were commenting.

People were like eating like, what were they saying? They were like, Angel Money is the next Hitler. And I was like, where are we getting all this from? Like I actually like, I'm glad that I saw. paying for Patreon because like I would read all of the comments on seeking arrangements and like sometimes like people get real crazy in these comments like I like I was kind of shocked that people were calling angel money Hitler and saying that like I like people were like oh Greta this this this I was like for

the things we say on this pod I was kneecap because I said I love Ireland or something they were like she must listen to kneecap oh period I was like this is crazy in here I am not going to listen to white Irish rap, regardless of the political agenda. I'm not going to listen to me cap. Apparently they're touchers, but. Oh, who's it? You're listening to non-white Irish rap, like Reggie Snow, I think, is Irish. The guy from Bin Lizzie?

No, no. It's this, like, alt rapper that I used to really like. But I think he's... I listen to one rapper, one rapper only. Matasasasu. Um, modest Yahoo. Yeah. Matt Ox.

No, I feel like, okay, if we only had to choose one rapper that we would listen to for the rest of our life, who would you choose? Angel money. Young thug. Oh, Angel money, I think. Yeah. Leslie Feinberg. Did she do it? Did she ever do like a, any like spoken word rap?

I would, I bet. No, no. Joe Pesci. Yeah. know what? I know so little about him. Angel money. I just called it. I also the way I just called Leslie Feinberg

him because Jacques said Joe Pesci and I got him. I think that it's like her, but it was like H-I-R or something. Like Leslie was on so. I think Leslie just didn't care about pronouns. Yeah. Leslie was on some, on some. I do need that strap. You know Leslie Feinberg was laying like

the craziest pipe in Buffalo, New York. Yes, exactly. She went to the same high school as Westside Gun. Um, not at the same time. I don't think. Home town hero? Yeah. So we asked the question with who my favorite rapper was and I did get a chance to answer.

It's obviously has to be none other than Joe Pesci for the song Wise Guy. Have you ever heard his, his rap album? Yes. I haven't heard it. It's fantastic. Oh my God. It's so funny. I tried to just figure out how to share the video, but I don't, I don't think we can.

I don't think you know how to do that. Yeah, you're starting to lag. I just tried just for a second and it was like, I don't know. I think mine honestly, like, this is such a horrible take, but like I haven't really like done much of a deep dive into like experimental rap. Like literally like if someone asks me experimental rap or like underground rap, I would say like fake make because I just don't know better.

But like I think I would have to say either Drake, Young Thug or Future, which might be the top three like most prominent rappers at the moment. Definitely. I really do anymore. Future. I really do. I really like mainstream.

Future. I might say future. I think Future's new album is absolutely incredible, but honestly, made of honor by Drake, very good album. The song BBW, very good.

Period. Favorite rapper. I was going to say MF Doom, but it seems too cliche. I'm going to go with Larry June. Who's Larry June? Did you make that up? No, he's real.

He's really. He's amazing. You're like, I'm just going to have to say boom, boom. Yeah. Boom, boom, sapphire. I have to say boom, boom. I just got to say boom. I think it's a tie between boom boom boom and MC music dude.

It's a tie between the Baja men and the Baja woman. Scat man. I was like, who's that guy who Scats? Yeah. Scatman. Yeah. Can we get a Baja man? we get a biop movie on him i'm so tired of all these lame ass biop movies michael jackson who

gives a shit uh you know we don't we really do not need a 1970s uh teenage bourdant origin story movie that is coming out that is so stupid that'sa that is so stupid let the man be dead do let him die let him be dead that's starring the guy from now you see me three jacques the one that we watched. Ugh. They're going to put him in that? But he's so good. Dominic Sessa.

He's incredible. My brother saw him on the street in the East Village the other day. And I was like, did you say hi? Did you call him by his character name? Did they change numbers? No. Yesterday, me and my friends were playing that game heads up, like the Ellen DeGeneres game, where you put the phone on your head and you like.

And we did like, I was like begging someone to do action. accents. It was so funny because it was like British, Australian, and then it was like, gangsta. I literally was like, I, it was like everyone, like the girl who was holding it on her forehead,

like everyone paused and I fully was about to do a really offensive gags. Oh, God. You should have done that. That's so fucking funny because it'll be like surfer dude, British guy. And then it'll be like,

Ugandan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Coney. Yeah. Whatever happened to that Coney. It just says racist on it. Whatever happened to that

Coney 2012 guy? I think they got him, right? No. I thought we were trying to free him. No, yeah. What was it again? Like, they were like trying to free Coney from the island. Free Coney from that damn island. Period.

My password, the first time I ever moved out of my parents' house, I moved into this, like, kind of like punk-ish house. Like a DIY house or something? Yeah. And like, it was like covered. It was like a tear down. So there was like graffiti all over the walls. And every time I took a selfie in the bathroom, it said like, Harambe did 9-11 behind me.

And then the Wi-Fi password was Harambe. Or it was like the Wi-Fi was Harambe. And then the password was did 9-11. And actually, like, at the time, that was hilarious. Yeah. Like that was that was kind of like peak internet humor. Like I miss that. I, what I miss is the the frog on the unicycle.

I like that guy. Uh, here come dat boy. That's a fun guy. Here come dat boy. That was a pretty, pretty good one. This was also when people were saying like, uh, dogo. Oh, I hated that. Pupper.

Yeah. Yeah. That was doge. Doge. Yeah. Yeah. My first, my first boyfriend. A little pupper.

Speaking of dog-o and puppers, my first boyfriend I ever had, I still am friends with him on Facebook. And he, one night post this thing where he's like, okay, here to celebrate pride, bark, bark with my boyfriend, love my little pucker. And I was looking at this and it was. And they were in a ball pit with dog chew toys in their mouth. and the leather dog mask also. And then the next, the next post he posed the next day was him in the hospital. And he was like,

oh, don't try to do laundry while you're high. What, how does someone end up in the hospital the day after they do the pup parade at prize? What was the contact? I need so much contact on that. Like, did he drink detergent?

You were so jealous, Jacques. You were like, oh my God, people are probably messaging him. Like, what happened? I need to take that.

I don't try to do the laundry while you're high and you're in the hospital. Like there's so much missing from that context-wise. It's like what happened? I do the laundry high all the time. I like almost exclusively high when I do the laundry. Yeah. I didn't understand why what the correlation. I would, if I was in the hospital the day after I was in a full leather pup outfit,

I would delete the leather pup outfit because I don't want people. Because I have to let people know I was in the hospital. And there's not an option to just not post that. When I got FFS, I, like... Facial feminization stank surgery? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I, like, crowdfunded $2,000 because I had to, like, quit my job completely as one does, right?

And then I went and visited my parents because I had no money. And so, like, I used that money to stay with my parents. And someone screenshotsed it and said, And she's already on vacation with your money. Mind you, I was sleeping on my parents' couch. But I think about that all the time. I think about that so much. Like crowdfunding for a surgery and then going to like it and posting a photo in like the Bahamas.

I actually think that's so tea. Yeah. One of my friends tried to crowd fund like a new TV for herself. It's just like a pack of cigarettes. Help me buy a new TV. And it's like I want a new TV. Help give me money so I can buy it. I really want to be like.

like, yeah, like help trans woman get PS5. Like, yeah, literally. Sometimes there's these people that are crowdfunding. There's this girl in Philadelphia that was crowdfunding because she was like, I'm a displaced indigenous person. Da-da-da-da. People are like, oh, wait, I grew up with her. She's my cousin.

No, she's not indigenous. She's Italian. She's changed her name to sound. She didn't say what she meant by. indigenous she could mean indigenous to Sicily. Yeah exactly she got a lot I'm endemic I'm endemic to

indigenous it got pretty nasty quickly as you could imagine someone pretending to be Native American who was just white Italian why do you know when was this this seems to be like a big this was a big thing for you Philadelphia well I was talking

to the girl on the internet and then I heard all this bad stuff is happening. And then I talked to someone in Philadelphia, and they were like, by the way, this girl... Just a random person. Well, it was another internet friend. And, you know, they were like, this girl, she's lying about everything. I mean, she's just, she was all over the internet.

She was like, internet funny girl, gone now. I wonder, I always wonder what happened. There was also that, like that, well, I mean, not to like just like, just like, dwell on like trans women like misusing um funds that have been given to them so sorry yeah okay but i loki don't play about her yeah she's the queen i actually like i don't play about her in the slightest but um she's the only good DJ to come out for her who pretended i don't even know if this person was trans it was in like date in ohio or something go figure and she like she like posted videos of herself like in her own class

being like, I'm in his closet. Help. And like she was in her own closet. And she was like, she was like, I think she was like posting. It was like really big on the internet like two years ago. But she was like acting like she needed like ransom money and like posting on behalf of someone else from her own phone. Yes. I remember this.

This is the kidnapher. And she literally. And she literally was just like posting it like herself. And then she was like posting videos on her story of like loud. crashing noises while she was hiding in the closet like she was just doing it herself and I'm like actually like just give her an Emmy that's so T. That's like that girl for a while that was going on Instagram lives and she would be fully tied up with something over her mouth and she would just be going she'd just be going

Terry Joe Terry Joe. People didn't know who it was and they're like oh my God help her. Terry Joe. Meanwhile, like, she was just laughing while doing it. Yeah. She's like, that's, I mean, the people who do it, like, asking for money and stuff, it's like, at some point, it's like, oh, okay, this person's just, like, mentally ill. Like, that they think that this is a good, that they think this is a thing to do. I mean, same with the Italian, the endemic to Sicily woman.

It's like, okay, this person might actually need some money, because I don't think they have a job. Yeah. they need to survive. I would rather people just say, hey, I'd downright refuse to have a job. So can you just fund me? But you would get so mad at that, though,

I feel like. Ain't that your tea though, Jock? Yeah. What are you fucking talking about? Explain to me. Well, no, Jack did such a great job getting topics for this episode. Fuck, okay, shut the fuck up.

Okay, every time, let me just say something. I'll bring seven different topics to the chat. and and and and and hesson and ben will look through them no no they'll literally go are you stupid you think i'm like sometimes talking about this sometimes when we're in a group chat joc will be like this has happened multiple times when we're in a group chat you're like um you're like all right i'm thinking of topics and then you'll send me some and it'll be like the movie matilda came out 30 years ago today yeah and it's literally it's done like is john mayor taller than he was two years ago did he get the leg length

And it's like, what the, what? Like, this is for like something that, like, the six-year-olds will talk about. Yeah. Miller Swift's new album might be throwing shade at Selena Gomez. I hate you all so much. We can't make an episode out of that. Yeah. I hate you all so much.

I'm trying so hard to try to get something. It's okay. It's okay. You are. You are. You are. Look, this is Rotund Ronda saying out. I'm out.

I am not a crook. I'm going to get my lighter. Oh, period. I'm looking at the Daily Mail right now to see what kind of jock-type stories. Yeah. I have, let's see, fans discover discovering, discover sickening secret message in Ariana Grande's alarming new music video.

Oh, wait, let's get into that. I actually like that. Why is that so easy to find and Jacques will literally be like that? literally. Jock will be like Alaska Airlines budget decreased. Yeah, yeah. Girl, I don't care. Martha Stewart celebrates 85th birthday by going in a hot tub. Yeah, it really is like it really is like Harrison Hot Springs.

I don't even have a joke ready bitch, but it's like literally just like yeah. Okay, wait, I'm going to look too. Okay, period. I also have, I do have real stuff that we can discuss. I have. Did you see that quiet on the creek D.L. Pride, 2026? No, what is the? Oh, my God.

Wait, that's, oh, my God. Is that real? Yes, it's like a real photo. Where is it? D.L. Pride. Probably Atlanta. Let's be real. Or Philly. Yeah.

I feel like, I don't know. I'm looking at up. That's something to just. That's a really good. Yeah. That's a really, really fun. I wish I could go to that. Yeah.

And then like, it's like literally like the image that everyone's reposting is like the most caked up person I've ever seen in my life. And everyone's like, you can't be D.L. With all that ass. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm looking at it. Quiet on the creek.

D.L. Pride. 2026. D.L. Pride is so funny. And the fact that it looks, it literally looks like a. And they're all wearing ski masks. It looks like the Bilderberg group or what's it called?

It looks like Bohemian Grove. I got invited to a black D.L. party like that in Los Angeles. And like... Careful. I just like straight up. I just was... I went with a bunch of my other friends. That was...

You got invited to D.L. Pride? No. it was a black. It was just a black pride event that you were just you were a less a non-majority white pride event and you're like, no, no, no. It was a black DL pride event. It was in Los Angeles in this neighborhood. I'm forgetting right now, but it was like advertised as a black DL party. And there was like literally just like that picture, a bunch of black guys in ski mask. And I, I went with like a group of maybe like five or six Latino guys. And it was just like, it intense sexual atmosphere for even me. Period. You were afraid? Period.

I just was like. What made you afraid, Jock? I just moved not down to have sex with someone with a ski mask on. I am. Oh, I 100% am. I have. I don't like it. I would.

I don't know. Like, you know, like in Sopranos when like, Janice like you want to have sex with the gun yeah with the gun I like I could see myself getting into like I feel like I don't know because sometimes I'm on uppers and I just do something crazy this bitch would see Janus on sopranos and think I could be that bitch yeah I liked her character it's a great character very like yeah it's like yeah this is what wait a woman with livia soprano as a mom would become as an adult just doomed wait what was the ariana grande secret,

scary secret message. I kind of want to get into that. Oh, I completely close out of that tab. Let's, let me, so let me, let me start first off. If people haven't heard, she's ending her tour early, in order to step back from public image, because she's being scrutinized so much,

which I don't blame her. And she also looks so ill. So you don't blame her, you don't blame her, but you also were going to scrutinize her in the same. I would not want to want to. She didn't Uber Eats ad. Which I found so interesting. That's crazy.

What's wrong with that? It's just interesting. Like, given, like, given the... I don't know. I can't tell if it was, like, her being, like... Like, was it strategic or was... Because it is, like, given the fact that everyone's scrutinizing her for her rapid weight loss, her doing an Uber Eats ad, like, I can't tell if it was, like, her...

Her PR being, like, your... going to do an Uber Eats ad or if it was like her being like get me the fucking Uber Eats ad like I just don't I just don't know what the context of it was or a gay guy at Uber eats being like you know it would be funny like this is so camp you know it'd be so camp but Susan Sontag would love this I thought it was a I thought when I saw this thing online it was a joke but it turned out to be real or apparently Ariana Grande for the new music video for her new she just released an album. So the fact that she's announced that she's going to take a step

back from the public life after releasing an album, kind of a baller mood. You can tell Jacques is reading the article. I am not reading with a knife. I am playing with a knife. Oh, I have a knife from my hand. What's the secret message in the music video, Jacques? Well, she's killing people with a chainsaw and cutting them up and it's violent. So that's, what does that

be? That's it? That's it That doesn't even sound secret She's probably actually murdering people Yeah She sounds like she murdered It sounds like it's a snuff video Guys all these dancers went missing

I have to say that I would have an immense Arianna Gonday goes on killing spree After Uber Eats ad We would have so much more respect for her If she was a murderer I have respect for her I have respect for her I thought wicked was amazing

I did not see wicked I just saw Brittany from Salt Lake City singing that song on escalators across the U.S. I love Brittany from Salt Lake City. Yeah. We haven't had a hero like her at a long time. What about Heather? Duh, Heather Gay? Yeah.

I love. Okay, I'll be honest, Heather Gay is like probably my favorite. Like, and I know, I know that that's, like, really controversial. Like, I'd have sex with her. I think Heather. What's wrong with that? Why'd you get silent about me having sex? It's just interesting.

Should I give you my sex list of the SLC? She's the most like you, I would say, Jacques, out of any of them. I think that she reminds that. I think Jock is like Jen. I hate you so much, Gradox. Shut up. Jen's not the monster that the world has made her. Actually, who would Jock be as a real house side of any of the?

Durinda. No, I'm Dorinda. I'm Durinda because I'm like terminally drunk. and I have short blonde hair and I just I don't know I do I always kind of thought I was the Dorinda Do you don't think that I have

Dorinda vibes Hessa The way that I have arguments I feel like is very similar to her I don't think so I don't know yeah But I just it's just weed Instead of drinking True

I think No Jacques who would you be Who is Oh you'd be the woman who went insane in the New York season and thought everyone was trying to attack her and kill her on the island. Scary Island?

Yeah. Kelly something? What's her name? Kelly Benson. Is that it? I think so. Kelly Benson? Kelly Benson, anyone?

Can we get a Kelly Benson confirmation? I have a flamethrower in my hand. I have some advice columns we can look at. Let's hit it. And if we have time, I'll give us a test. and we'll find out what our real job is supposed to be. Okay, we can do the test too, Jack. I don't know if you have the...

Test pulled up. Could you handle doing three different tests at once? I was going to just do it on my phone instead of it being on the actual computer because I feel like that's what this... You'll only be able to get one answer. No, you can have multiple tabs on a cell phone. Okay. So we could try the test if you want to take the reins.

Is that like a wax spawn? Yeah, so I stuck the wax piece into the bong, and it works. Oh, period. The knife in your hand is just so sinister. Yeah. That's because I couldn't find my little knife, so I put the dab on there. Period. You have the quiz?

Yeah, yes, I'll pull, I'll go grab it right here. And let me just tell y'all something. I have been baking so many things this week. I made a blueberry yellow cake. Yellow cake with blueberries in it. It was delicious. Period. Was it tea friend?

It was tea, Hinnies. What's teases? Smells like teases. One time Angel Money texted me and was like, girl, the teases that's going on right now is killing me. And I said, what's teesis? And I like literally, I was a person I had ever heard it. I credit it to her. That's incredible.

I, um, like, uh, wait, what was I going to say? I lost my train of thought. Jacques, do you have the quiz? Yes, okay. I'm bringing, I'm bringing it. So I'll guess I'll select both of y'all's genders, female. Well. Period.

That's the first question. I appreciate that. You know, and I don't want to, I don't want to get, maybe this is a difficult task for me to do. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Doing it on your phone is maybe not. sister. It's not even the dab didn't even hit. I'm not even high. Okay, click female. So I cannot

imagine how much weed you smoke. Like, I smoke weed here and there. Yeah. But I switched to gravity and I actually, I would be in full psychosis if I smoked like a quarter of what you smoke. Yeah, truly. I have like maybe like a five milligram edible at night every night. Oh, ripped. Yeah. And it's just like I can't even do anything. Do you do those like Delta A gummies from the bodega? No, I do. I actually fuck with those really hard. I got, I had like a bad experience with one one time because I had it. They're really bad for you.

I like went into like a full like panic attack, psychotic break. And I was like, because I kept, I was having some of this like, it was like a gummy like tape thing. And I kept having it and being like, I don't think there's any weed in this. I think it's just like a gummy. And then I had like one small bite one time and it was like, oh no, it was all. just in that part of the gummy tape. Yeah, literally. Well, the worst is if you think

it's going to be weed and it's THCP. And it's 47. Is there a difference? Oh, hell yeah. THCP is 47 times stronger than THC. Oh, period. And then you take 400 milligrams of

THCP instead of THC. I would never take 400 milligrams of anything, honestly. that is a scary like I literally but then I think about it when I was like 18 years old and I was in college and like California I would smoke I would smoke like an entire like gram just through a bong like like hit after hit after hit and then I would eat these like checks mix bags that were like 250 to like 500 milligrams okay and I would just operate a vehicle and like I don't know how I ever did that because I would get like five milligram to 10 milligram edibles from like a bodega and I would actually lose my fucking mind half the time. Yeah. I don't I don't know how and I know I know that's like quite typical that like smoking weed when you're really young or really like hits.

Yeah. I don't know. I go through waves like when I was in New York I was smoking so much weed because it's not that good out there. But then now being on the West Coast smoking weed is like because it's dangerous. I don't know. I guess it's like the weed here is like. It's stronger in Portland.

Because it's grown like 15 minutes away. So like they get that shit like fresh off the tree and you're buying it. And it's like it is so fucking strong. I always lose my mind. The edibles are way stronger too in general. Like I'll take a hundred. I haven't even done an edible here, I don't think. They have these fresh juice pouches and it's juice and weed.

And one pouch fucks you up so bad. and I accidentally I thought I had not taken a Kalanipan. I couldn't find my bottle of Kalanipan one night and I had taken too much of the Portland edible fruit juice pouches and so I was like, let me take

a Xanax because the only thing I had forgot that I had taken a Kalanipan in the morning taking both. I've never been so fucked up in my life mixing a Kalanipin, a Xanax and then 300, milligrams of fruit juice, weed. Not acceptable. Okay.

So choose how accurately each statement reflects you. Strongly disagree. Disagree. Neutral. Agree. Or strongly agree? I feel... Who's doing it?

Me or Hessa? Or you? All of us. Okay. But how are we... Okay. I feel uncertain when exploring unfamiliar ideas. Strongly agree.

Strongly agree. Strongly agree. Well, yeah. I feel uncertain. Yeah, I would say agree. I'd agree. Okay. You know, because it's a new idea.

You're not, if you go into something thinking you're certain about it, that means that darling, you don't have the right mindset. Hello. Hello. Okay. I prefer to structure information. Jack, what's your answer to that one? Oh, well, my answer is I very strongly agree.

I feel uncertain when exploring unfamiliar ideas. The uncertain scares me, and I'm frightened easily. period. I prefer to structure information, which I'm going to say I strongly disagree. Yeah, you don't prefer. I'm going to agree and say that I like a structured information, but I'm so bad at getting organized and doing it. And you, Greta? Yeah.

Repeat the question. Do you prefer to structure information? I was honestly just staring at Hesse's photo for a second. I was just taking it in. I was just taking it in. It's, period. Her photo is always scared me. I feel like you're always editing it to make it more sharp.

Oh, I should do that, like, slowly over time. Maybe it's scarier. Um, do you, the, the statement is I prefer to structure information. Strongly disagree, strongly agree, agree, agree, disagree neutral. Uh, I don't even really know what that means. to like, I guess like organize your thoughts and make like a spreadsheet. Oh yeah, I like to organize my thoughts.

Strongly agree. Agree. Neutral. Disagree. We're trying to get you a job here. We know what the options are. From now on to the future, Jock, but we all know the options.

Yeah. Neutral. Neutral. Got it. Got it. Sometimes I like to wing it. Mm-hmm. Period.

She's a neutral kind of guy. I'm going to say I do strongly disagree that I, I prefer to support teamwork. I'm going to say, How many questions are on this quiz? Um, it doesn't have... Oh, you're scrolling down pretty far, huh? One of 20.

Okay. Well, that's fine, I guess. I think, like, we can do you power through it. So, yeah, agree. Okay, okay. Okay, rapid fire, yeah. Okay, I agree. Agree.

I strongly agree. I support teamwork. Oh, strongly agree, she says. Yeah, I support teamwork pretty hard. I love teamwork. It's what makes the dream work. aka the seeking derangements work. I dislike developing products.

Strongly disagree. I love developing products. I'm a product developer. I like it. I like making my own thing. I would say strongly agree. I'm going to say neutral. I don't like, I don't want to make a product.

I'm, you know, I'm not a product type gal. She does not like the products. I feel drained by planning ahead. and I'm going to personally say I strongly agree on that one as well. I'm the type of person where like I'm not going to hang out with you unless you hit me up like an hour ahead of time because if we plan in advance, who knows how I'll be feeling then? Well, actually, you know what? It's kind of the opposite for me where like if someone texts me like, are you free? Do you want to get lunch? I'll like freak. I'll like panic and be like, oh no, like my plans are being foiled. My plans have not. going to lunch.

So I'm actually going to say neutral on that one. You got it. That's the final answer. I enjoy expressing abstract ideas. Strongly agree. Strongly agree. I think we're all the same on that take. Okay, we're moving to the next question.

What's the most abstract idea you've ever expressed, Chuck? Most abstract idea I've ever expressed. In first grade, I had ranked me and all of my classmates by... And you were on Adderall at the time. Yeah. Yeah. I ranked all of my class into either gold, silver, or bronze based on their popularity. And the most popular kids were in the gold tier.

the kids that were neither very popular nor unpopular were silver tier and then the people who were like the bottom floor were bronze okay that's the most abstract thing you've ever done I thought yeah I feel like that's in first grade you've made paintings more abstract than that I think so but I've if I'm just going to the top of my head what's some of the craziest sex stories I've ever heard I feel like those are pretty abstract ideas like like like being walked across like Lafayette, Louisiana. Well, I walked her across Lafayette. I think that's an abstract idea, but that was her idea.

Yeah. It wasn't even mine. The abstract idea of having, making a girl come with the front door of my mom's house unlocked in a jar, having sex in the kitchen, which is right next to the front door. And she wanted it to be at knife point. And she said, you have to make me come before your mom gets home. we need her on the show. Yeah.

She's still one of my besties. Period. I don't think she wants to be. She's actually outed. She's actually really normal. She's going to be joining the medical world soon. Okay, period. So maybe you don't say her name or anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's fine. Oh, imagine finding out that your gynecologist likes to be walked on a leash in Louisiana. Or like something about it being Louisiana. tip out of here. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it's kind of like I want a dyke for president. Like, I want a gynecologist who's been walked on a leash. Yeah, exactly. I want a gynaecologist with AIDS. I think we all want a guy. I think if we can, oh, okay, let's go rapid

fire. I feel confident when working methodically. I'm going to say absolutely strongly disagree. Yeah, I'm going to say strongly agree on that one. I'm going to say neutral. I'm just like the middle. She's a very neutral girl Okay, interesting I feel it Neutral girl hotel

Neutral grain hotel I find it difficult to visual design I strongly disagree because I find it quite easy Yeah, I like it, yeah I strongly disagree Well Okay, I dislike working with data Strongly agree

because I do dislike working with data. Who does? I strongly disagree. Yeah, I don't like working with data. So strongly agree. Hessa? Um, I'm gonna agree.

Because sometimes it's fun to put things in a big spreadsheet and stuff. I'm not like that. So you strongly disagree. Like, I won't do that type of thing. So I'm slightly, I'm... That's an Adderall quality to make spreadsheets and stuff like that.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I enjoy mentoring. I strongly. agree. I love to mentor people into the future. Yeah, I mean, depending on what it is, I would say yeah, I like it. Because I just like to hear my own voice sometimes. That's why I keep going

on this show. I'm going to say neutral, because I don't think there's anything I can mentor someone about. Really? Being Italian? You could definitely mentor someone about being a woman. I think, oh, that's really sweet job. Oh, thank you. I think you both could teach a class in womanhood.

Period. The history of women. The history of women. The history of women. Women taught by Greta and Hessa. It would be like Miss Jay. Yeah. It's us and Miss Jay. Yeah, like the judge, the judges fatal.

It's like me, you Michelle Vesage, Rupal. Yeah. Okay, y'all. Let's start to really dive in because when I said we were, we're only at 10%. Okay. We're not finishing this quiz. We're not doing this. We're not doing this.

Wait, let's do which real house slice of salt is. Lake City, are you? I can pull that. Why are we not going to finish, we're not going to finish this quiz? No, we cannot finish this quiz. If there's... If that was 10% of it, I already... That means there's 100 questions on the quiz.

Yes. Yes. So... Just rapid fire it. No, we're not doing 100 questions, rapid fire, Jacques. That's crazy. That wouldn't even be good listening. Okay, I got... I'm going to do here okay

I think we should I think we can wrap up because I don't know how much time do we have left in the it is we've been on here an hour in 30 seconds so if you just don't want to do it

Hesse I get it no no let's I understand that you don't want to hear whatever how many questions are in the housewife's quiz okay let me because okay I feel like it's like a BuzzFeed thing so it's probably like 10

okay perfect um okay Let me find it. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Enter name.

Okay. I'm going to start with Hessa. Period. Okay. How many questions? Question one of 12. Okay, let's do it. Okay.

I'm going to start just Hessa first and then I'm going to do Jock. Okay. Grab a drink. What are you going for? Hennessy, Dom Perion, 2003. I wonder who that could be. Tequila shots. Tequila.

with lime, red wine, craft brew, or dry martini? Domperion's 2003. The grapes were exceptionally sweet that year because of the heat wave. Tequila. People died. I'm answering. Okay. Okay.

Some of the ladies have been talking shit about you. What's your move? You're indignant. Who do they think they are? Quick to move on if they apologize. You don't get involved. They can say what they want. You're not inviting that drama into your life.

You're going to hold on to this for a while. You'll probably say some catty remarks at the next. next function till they're forced to confront what they've said. You plan a sit-down conversation to talk it out, though you'll probably end up saying something out of line. Cut them off entirely. You have no time for fake friends, and you don't want to hear excuses for their behavior.

You're so upset you don't know what to do with yourself. You'll probably lash out erratically, then regret it. Me, me! How many times have I done that to either of you? Yeah, that's probably, that's probably Jacques's answer. I would say, do the thing where you, just ignore them. Okay, so you're gonna...

The second one. What was that one? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You don't get involved. They can say what they want. You're not inviting drama. Here, can you send a link to the quiz, and I can do Jacquess. Will we...

Why can I answer? Wait. Why do I cannot answer yourself? Wait, I want to see... I'm also answering the questions from the other quiz to prove how easy it is to do it. We were doing three quizzes at once. Okay. This has been seeking derangements.

Yeah. Thank you everyone. Next time we'll do the housewife quiz, because that's a good one to do. That's a good one. I like that. I like that one. Yeah. Thank you, everyone. Next time, we will be watching Norbit or White Chicks or something.

Actually, it'll be a five-hour episode. Norbit, followed by. Norbit. White Chicks. Followed by. Real hot vibes. Quit. Period.

Period. Bye. Bye. Come on. Bye.