Seeking Derangements - SD 523 - Who Done Died?

Episode Date: August 16, 2026

It's Seeking Sunday! Ben here, today Jacques, Hesse and I discuss our right wing turn, Jacques makes a plan to confront Elon in Lafayette, Hesse gives us some updates from the gay techies San Francisco, and I attack people who love gas stations.

The whoops, you want to hit the fuck. Hello, everyone, welcome to seeking derangements. This is Ben, Jock and Hesse are here with me. This is a Patreon episode. Don't tell me what I am. This is a free episode. So if you want to, are you not here? Well, I might be, I might not.

All right, bitch. If you want to hear bonus episodes, go subscribe to our Patreon for weekly bonus episodes. Hello, Divas. Hello. Bonjour. Welcome to work. If anyone listen to the last episode, I'm no longer. hungover, although

that would be a lie, because I'm still a little bit, I'm still feeling that y'all. You look better than you did before. You don't look. You look, you're wearing a polo shirt. You've got glasses. You look like you might do some taxes. If you ever see me wearing my glasses outside is because I am

hungover still. But kind of recovering because I'm outside. You look at a murderer when you wear glasses. I'm not a fan of them, but I'm just like, why I put the context in at this point? fucking cares, you know? I respect you more when you have glasses. They didn't invent

contacts for my eyes until I was like 13. And by that point, you're like blind. Yeah. And by that point, I had like just not worn my glasses, which gave me migraines every single day, but also trained my eyes to focus enough. I forgot

you have a terrible vision. I remember trying your glasses on the one time. We were drunk together when we took a Uber back after Yeah, I Yeah, you forgot I had a terrible vision. I love that. I forgot how you saw my end.

I mean, it's pretty easy to foresee my end. But I can, today I'm a little hungover. But, yeah, that's not, what did you do? What did you do? I feel like we should institute a new role where if any of us show up hungover, we have to explain what we did as penance, and you can't lie. I went to a screening of a... Get out of here.

A rare 70s, a rare, like, early 70s Italian Spaghetti Western, the only Spaghetti Western directed by a woman, actually, directed by Lena Wirtmuller. It's called The Bell Star Story. And when I was there with my friend Nia, the subway takes guy had an open bar screening of some documentary he made.

So we snuck into that and just took a bunch of wine from there. That's major. That is major. Kareem is annoying. And then I went to KGB with a friend. Love. I have not been to KGB in such a long time.

I will withhold my thoughts on one Kareem Rama because this is a free episode, but you can probably imagine what they are since I'm withholding them. But yeah, no big fan. I didn't even, you knew his last name too.

I didn't even, Obama, his last name's Obama, Kareem Obama. It's Kareem Rama, but it would be, it would be cool if he was a member of the Obama family. Well,

I'll tell you why. That's the way he is, you all. Do you all remember when Obama's brother wanted to come on for five grand? Malik Obama? When I was trying to book Mr. Malik Obama at the height of his homophobia,

yes, girl. Y'all said no. I said, let's pay him. Yeah, I'm not paying him two. What was it? Five grand. He has to,

this is the art of negotiating, honey. He actually, that was going to be our breakthrough. He enters with $5,000. We certainly would have helped. He, you know, then you counter,

I think I could have gotten him down to maybe like $500. He was doing anything. And then he got a crypto deal. And we love, and then. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I didn't know that negotiating was an option. I thought Yes, yes But it's okay Well, we'll maybe once The his crypto coin crashes If it hasn't already Did he will certain

Someone like Malik Obama will certainly be hitting another low Soon enough in his life And so we get him I think it was literally something like that If you were wondering why I was hungover Why my eyes are squinting Which you can't see you can't hear them squint Actually it has to if we do the hangover a bit

Jock will get so jealous that it will trigger him. It will all break his alcohol. Sorry. We should actually scratch that one. No, no, no. Listen, I am also exhausted from last night, but it's not from alcohol. It's from me riding 2.5 miles at exactly four in the morning on my bicycle to go to the Mesh's donut shop to get seven donuts alone.

I do like matches. I do love. It's open a donut shop that's open at 4 a.m. It opens at 4. Oh, okay, yeah, like a bakery. Yeah. For all, all, man, all them all workers got to go out. I have a good time.

I was like, the root wakes them up, and they go right into the donut room. No, matches is so good. So you have to come to it. I'm still struggling with my longing to go back to. Louisiana. Why can you come back? Because the other people are gone and you don't want to just see me. Well, that's what you, I know that's what you think. I mean, it is definitely harder to come back to Louisiana if I don't have my palatial estate in New Iberia to crash up. But, no, I'll come back, but I'll go to New Orleans. But you won't go to Lafayette? Well, I don't have a place to stay in Lafayette,

girl. Me? What if I got you at Airbnb? You're not, I can buy my own Airbnb. bro. I don't know if I would trust you to get me an Airbnb Jacques. His sister actually owns a really cunty one. Oh, really? Well, she rented it to one person

now. A lawyer from New York is now renting it. But there is a better one that I would take y'all to. I want to go say that one that's a church in St. Martinville, that Stephen and Kareem stayed out. Not Kareem Rama. We are not friends with Kreme Rama.

This is a different one. I would love to go stay at that church one. The church one was really lit in the rent a car I'll do it I think I'm going to do it for the winter I keep saying this I'm sorry I'm literally repeating myself but yes we should do a Louisiana thing I rewatch our heat seekers the other night

I rewatched some of it because I was like oh I miss doing the AOC live streams they were so far oh I didn't know that's what it was called heat seekers and not heat seekers attention seekers attention seekers I've really missed I was doing live stuff y'all I mean like live call in stuff You know what I'm going to do?

Yeah, you know what I'm going to do is as a fun bonus series? And I had like, I've had this idea for a while. I think I'm going to do it. I want to do it next month for my birthday. Sorry, I just want to say. Thanks for having that thought and being like, they need to hear this right now. Oh, it's a threat. They need to hear this right now.

Just in case they forgot about my birthday. I got a, this is priority one. It's less about my need for friendship and celebration. You should go to Denver. You should go to Denver for your birthday. day. I am going to Denver for my birthday. I'm going to party in Denver. I was pure head. I didn't tell me about it.

What the hell? Sorry. Because you didn't know you were going to be around. Because I haven't planned it yet. I'm planning it the day before. And I sit both of your packages, two little delicious packages await for you too. And with handwritten notes, not from me from someone else. Whoa. Oh my God. Justin right now, Elon's private jet just landed in Lafayette, Louisiana. not making a joke. Oh,

what the hell? Why is he doing? It just came up as a... He's coming to offer Jacques a deal. It scared me that that's the first time of notifications come up in... Mr. Gonslin, I actually,

if you know, it reminds me of John Gosselin, you know, John and Casey Class 8. This is a very funny. Octumomom also is another great meme that I remember from the past. Would you be interested in becoming right wing for $25 million. Yeah, definitely.

He would sell up for less than that. He'd do it for $25. I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to go and be on the demolition team to destroy the wetlands. If you had to pivot to being a right wing podcaster. What would your pet thing be? They all have the wrong thing. You could pick abortion. You could pick, you know, kind of trans is huge right now in that space.

could be a more kind of esoteric like we need to maintain Western civilization or we need to restore Western civilization and yeah women are reptilions or something people we have to preserve one thing and one thing only family and

traditions okay family tradition okay so kind of family traditions don't you love waking up on Christmas giving everyone gifts that's what's at stake if we let these people take over our country, okay?

For the people, you need to be a community to a scapegoat who's taking over the country. It could be immigrants, could be trans, it could be a specific type of immigrant too, would be fun. I believe it is the Jewish people. Okay, okay, okay. We got this type of thing.

We got this type of thing going on. Okay, so your right wing character is one gayer, which I do think is a good move because they actually love, they love a queen that space, you know. Yeah.

As long as... Sweetie, no one wants you here. You don't belong. Well, actually, they kind of... I think nowadays they're, they're kind of turning away from that in their, you know, like that specific side of the right wing that you're appealing to by being like, the Jews are taken away Christmas. I think they are stealing a Christmas presents.

I think they are less likely to be like, they're less likely to be like, oh, a gay guy. Awesome. This is like my type of guy. You know what I mean? Like, so that's an... battle for you. I guess I'm the Zionist kind of. Yeah. The Zionist

splinter of the right wing, they're more like pro-gay. Yeah, for sure. You know, because they're like Tel Aviv is, you can get fisted in Tel Aviv whatever the fuck those people are doing. Yeah, so I guess maybe you have to kind of reform out the things here. No, I think he could pull it off. I think, like,

because it really doesn't take much. You would have to be like a Laura Lumer level idiot to to fuck it up. And even then you get to like like meet Trump and flying a plane with him and shit. Like you have to be. It's not that far off to say I could be a Laura Lumer level idiot. Yeah.

I think you're actually probably smarter than she is, to be honest with you. Oh, for sure. You have a pure heart. I think you're smarter, but you have a pure heart. Or maybe you have a more limited capacity for evil, but she had succeeded because she's just

evil, because she'll like, you know, say whatever. Yeah. I think Jacques, you also have a similar thing to Laura Lumer where like this forest gump type thing where you are like traversing history. Yeah, literally. You just have a knack for being in like historical places like making everything about themselves. Yeah, just finding yourself at like, y'all, I shook hands with Trump last night. It was crazy.

He put me on his plane. First crazy thing is that Elon Musk's private. jet landed exactly an hour ago in Lafayette. First of all, what is he doing there? What food is he taking you away from me? Second, what food is he taking away?

Second, even more surprising, a guy I went to high school wrote the article from this from New Orleans.com. I don't get it. New Orleans.com. Well, Nola. He's on the, he's on the,

your friend is running the Lafayette beat of New Orleans.com. is a very official serious news force. I'm sure. Yeah. I believe it. So what is he doing there? What's your friend's name that wrote this article?

Adam Daigle. Adam Daigle shout out. We love local journalists here. I haven't talked to him since high school. I haven't talked to him since I was 17. Well, maybe you could hit him up and ask him what Elon's doing. Yeah. And then maybe you could go meet Elon.

He was trying to make me buy this fucking article. And I just wanted to know I'm not doing it. Give me the article. Jock trying to talk to Adam. Give me the article, first of all, you bitch. You motherfucker. Give me the fucking article before I smitch you. I gave you a lucey.

Hey, and I score. Remember, I gave you a little, a gay-raid bottle full of rum? Well, now it's time you fucking pay up. The, um, but the, the, the, the, before we move on with Elon in, in Louisiana, I, uh, I, I, I really want to do a series called sleeping derangements that is like a soothing bedtime story for the listeners so they can go to sleep. I think people would love that. Yeah and I want to read Pinocchio and I want Jock to read all the Pinocchio lines and I think it would be very yeah. I have a new vlog show coming out. Can I be Geppetto? Yes, you can be a petto. Oh wait I was you know I know everyone hates this

bit so much. I'm like I don't even know if I want to do it. But, you know, that would you rather be trans or a transformer a bit? Yeah, yeah. I was talking with my friend Jesus last night, and we were like, how do we flip this around on gay people? So it's gay people saying something. You catch gay people off guard. Yeah. Do you do deceptive editing to gay people to make them seem like they're saying something straight?

Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. And I came up with a couple good ones. Okay. Would you rather kill Lady Gaga or kill Lady Gaga or kill Lady. Lady Gaga's haters and it's cut. So they're all saying they'd rather kill Lady Gaga. Gay guys would not like to be on tape saying that.

Okay. Depending on the gay guy, though. I think. Right, but you go to like a Gaga concert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you like, Taylor, you make an assessment, a visual assessment of the type of gay that you're talking to. And you can be like Gaga or Charlie or like, you know,

whoever they fucking, whoever they're Madison beer or something. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. And the other one, would you rather contract aides or contract aides to help develop low-income housing? Oh, that's really good. And then they also contract aides. And they'd rather get AIDS than help build housing and a low-income neighborhood. Well, Haney, I'd rather get AIDS and have to deal with all that building mess.

It sounds like quite a quiver. Period. Anyways, we don't need to believe for that. Everyone hates that bit. I personally have so much fun doing it. Here's the new popular twist on that bit. The one that's going around

right now. Would you rather eat a cockroach? Or a cock? And then they just cut to everyone saying, I'd rather eat a cop. Love it. But I would rather eat a cock than a cockroach. Well, of course. That's why you have to flip it on day. You would rather that too, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather, I don't like that word, but I would rather perform oral sex on demand than eat a cock. You say it. Say it. I don't like to. You already did. We can already edit it because you said you can edit it. You can edit this one.

Yeah. You know, I caught the cock. Why not? I would edit this one just so that I can. I just so you can do that. I'd rather eat a cock. There should be an echo after every cock. the other one would you rather have

oh would you rather have sex with a fat or a fat cock and then gay guys famously hate fats so you get them on tape saying they'd rather have sex with a fat yeah would you rather have sex with a femme or a femon nest well no

so many people are smashing their phones right now Hey, man. Yeah, yeah, no, we have to move on in this. They hate it. I'm so sorry. The comments were so... People hated it. I had so much fun doing that. I know. I guess it's more than a like... Well, people did not like the bit.

Yeah, it's not great radio to like when you're like trying to game it out and getting more and more confused about the premise as it goes there. I'm sorry that you didn't like our artistic genius listeners. Thank you, Chuck. I wish you people could have been a little bit more thankful for the hard work we've done to try to make you laugh, but instead you're sitting there in the comments saying, why are you so fat? Why are you not pretty enough?

You know, for so long, I was like, it's, for so long, I'm like, oh, it's bad radio to reference the commenters, because it's just like, it's true inside baseball, but, um, you know what? I don't care anymore. Yeah. Fuck you guys. Whatever. I'm kidding.

I don't know. I love you. No, I love them, but let me read. Let me, can I just read of one moment from Panachio? right now is like a little bit. Okay. This is what you're all in store for because this, as I've said on the podcast before,

Panachio is the funniest book ever written. Not Benachio. This is right after Panakio. I'm just like... Gay porn version. So this is Geppetto making Pinocchio's hands. Not Panjano. No sooner had he finished the hands that he felt the wig

being snatched from his head. And what do you think he? He saw when he looked up, he saw his yellow wig in the puppet's hand. Pinocchio, give me back my wig at once. But Pinocchio, instead of giving the wig back, set it on his own head. He was half swallowed beneath it. This insolent, mocking behavior made Geppetto feel more miserable and wretched than he had ever felt in his life. I love it.

That's a little easier. That is actually crazy how much. Is that so funny? Okay, update. Life is changing rapidly for me because I'm actually. I just got a message for Elon Musk. First of all, two different things that I did last night that would surprise you. I did 50 crunches and 50 sit-ups. 50 crunch bars?

Hello. Hey, shut up. I didn't have 50. Well, you did also get seven donuts and presumably eat the mall. I also biked five miles total to get the donuts. So. No, that's great. So that's a thing.

that's something I don't think that's seven donuts worth though I'm gonna be honest biking five months I didn't eat all the donuts yet I brought some of them home and I'll eat them later tonight I would kill for a matches donut they're so yummy I have blueberry glazed cake donuts right now they would change your life

I gotta go to Lafayette I got she was just gonna say I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go it's 20 minutes in she can't leave now amazing pastries and little faggy treats there. Yeah. I'm ready for you to come, Hessa. Buffalo has, Buffalo has good, like, Buffalo is probably the best place to be drunk at 3.30 in the morning,

looking for food, I would say. Speaking of Buffalo, I actually researched news last night, not only about Buffalo, but about Des Moines, Iowa, to try to relate to you to more and to try to understand more about your little lives. All right. What did you find? The more was pretty boring. Yeah. Okay.

It's sleepy. Well, it was, I will admit it was difficult even to search for delicious articles among what I was looking for. But let me tell you, if you read it in the right voice, honey, any news is good. Okay. Hometown News. What's happening? Well, let's test it. Well, let's go, let's go national to hometown.

Extra, extra, read all about it. Jock's back on the news. We're here. Augustus Pablo. He had a report. World's smallest penis patient sets date for crowdfunded enlargement operation. I hope it's bigger than my pinky. He holds up a picture of his pinky. Wait, wait.

I said this New York Post. Wait, how big is his penis? The size of the pinky, but ending at the knuckle. That's the world's smallest? I mean... It's got to be... I think like there's a lot of small penis. wonder. I feel like that's, I feel like, you know, with that like size of penis, I feel like every,

there are a bunch of, I feel like like every micro penis is pretty much the same size. And it's that like small, tiny kind of size, you know what I mean? So I feel like there's not a lot of, so saying he has the world's smallest is probably a bit, you know. Well, you got to, you got to be able to sell it back to the people, you know the world's smallest is certainly more alluring than the world's third smallest yeah absolutely I mean and then you have a story you can tell you can be like I had sex with a man who has a world's smallest penis did you guys see that like document that like TLC thing about the guy who had the micro penis and then like he uh they like put him under they're like we're gonna fix your penis you're gonna have sex with your girlfriend for the first time and then they put him under

and then he but he wakes up and they're like we couldn't do it we actually like You had like there's a problem with the anesthesia, so you actually can't get the surgery. And he just starts crying. It's so sad. Well, I mean, it's so sad because you can't even like, I don't know. You can rub it like a bit. Oh, my God. The surgery for that kind of stuff, it never ends up looking, you know.

It's hard to create one. I think it's so funny that, uh... My ex had a bad circumcision scar. I can't imagine a bad dick surgery scar. What's his name? Wayne Wayne Babbitt the guy who got his

dick cut off the like abusive husband remember that guy he like his wife not really to be honest with you he was like a total psycho like a piece of shit

I saw another great documentary about him and his like wife or girlfriend cut off his dick and then threw it out the window over car on the like driving away

oh yeah yes yes yes yes they found it reattached it and it worked perfectly and it looked kind of like normal but then he became a porn star and he got like surgery to make it bigger also after like literally the most like flying too close to the sun like oh yo let me do another thing on it you know yeah yeah i got lucky one time let's see if it happens again and then it just totally fucked up his dick he could never get hard again because if I got like, you know,

I'm hit fat from his arm like pumped into it or something. Oh yeah, they're doing that now where they're doing silicone like up the shaft. Now for guys, I follow this guy named injector Chris on Instagram. Not because I need it or I'm interested

because I'm a journalist. Ben is secretly into the frontier of our reality. Ben is one of those gay guys who puts salians in as nuts and makes them really big and drags. around. No one's going to believe you. No one has to believe me. I know my truth.

Jacques is a nullo. Jacques had his shaft removed. And that's my favorite type of penis adjustment person. Instead of a penis. They get rid of, well, they get rid of either like the dick, some keep the balls. And then they move the urethra to be underneath the ball.

So they have to like lift up their balls and just key out of like Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? This is so, like, this is so, like, this should be illegal, illegal, illegal, go to a fucking mental institution. Let him do it. Let him do it. No, no. This is, this is, this is, so I'm not allowed to get it. Corrosive. Yeah, because you have a gender, girl. These people aren't transitioning genders. That's fine. I have a deformed uretha. Mine is actually the size of a quarter. Period. Believe that. Like, it's this, it's just one. big round opening.

This is potty. This is potty potty talk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? Sorry gay. Sorry gay. Sorry gay. Sorry gay. Period.

We're not known for conversations like this, guys. We can respect our brand. I know. I had my penis replaced with a claw machine. Oh, that would be fun. Like, and then you had to, you'd pick claw machine if you had to get it replaced or something.

Yeah, I could pick up my keys without my hands. Okay. Okay. So it would drop straight down, kind of like... Yeah, you have to be standing over something. I could rescue someone's keys from a great. You could rescue a child who fell that into a

Yeah, I can't pull up that much. It can pull up the way of the keys. What about like an infant, like a baby? Baby traps in a while. Grab the top of a baby's head. Yo, yo, get jog over here. Another baby I'm just imagining his penis claw to get out. I'm just imagining something that you grab from like the bat.

I don't know. I watched Cowboy Bebop and one of the main characters, Jet has a spaceship that has like a claw on it. And I just keep thinking about claws as well. It'd be cool to do like a grapple thing. Like, like Batman. Can he have one?

Yeah. He had a grapple penis. You can like shoot at the top of the bill. At the top of the Empire State Building and kind of, you know, Pierce Bronson as James Bond and Golden I he has he's got one of those grapple hook guns You know I've always I think we've talked about it like years and years ago but I've always wanted like I was looking online and I saw like a net guns For sale like where you shoot it and like it just instantly oh I could love to shoot that a jog

It'd be so fun of shit a net I'll let you shoot a net at me like around safari I'll let you shoot a net at me I just have ones of Um, one rule. Yes. You just have to hang out with me. Oh, this pathetic display is so, like, we're not friends. It's so annoying. Because I haven't seen you two. You only do it on, when we're on a record.

I don't only do it. I call you and I'm like, hey, what's going on? You're like, can't talk. I am deep in, in the warehouse of production. We are, I have 16 interns being whipped. and if I don't whip them, the show doesn't come out. Well, you do just have a knack for kind of, like, putting things in the most annoying way possible. Like, before recording.

It's always such urgency, too. Yeah. It's like, what do you guys think? Given your history, if you don't get a satisfactory answer, you then cause a fight and freak out. So you can be scary to talk to in moments like that because I never know what mood you're at. I'm not being scared today. You're not. But sometimes you are.

And sometimes it's just like, well, will this will this interaction end up in a like hour long conversation about the dumbest detail that doesn't you know matter the um and that's not about this is about friendship and i miss you too and i miss you know i miss you too it is i would love to come to i'll be in louisiana soon or all go to it's okay i'm going to show up in new york soon and and just going to start knocking on doors go ahead i honestly like for And honestly, I'm going to say it right now. I want to be back on interior motives.

I went because my friend watched it and watched the episode of interior motives I was on. And I was disappointed that I was such a fuck up on that show. And I kept getting the cheating camera put on me. I was not cheating. I was, you literally cheated, girl. There's video evidence of cheating. You can't even see what I was looking at. So you don't even know what the fuck.

I could be looking at porn and masturbating. I was looking at porn, y'all. I was literally. looking at porn. I was looking at porn. I googled room. You're not behaving like a guest. I was Googling shaving cream and asshole porn

as per usual. Oh my God. What the fuck is that? What did that even discuss? I will say I googled. I just want to really quickly say this. I googled recently fucking yourself with a stick of butter after I

ate half a stick of butter recently. Why did you Google that? Not because... Not because I thought it was hot, but because I was like... I mean, I love butter so much. Could this... Could it be sexual for me?

And then I watched it. I was like, ah. And then I just went and ate more butter. The... I've been biting into those one stick of butter and just eating little bits and just letting it melt in my mouth and I feel at peace.

It's better than Xanax. Chuck, you sent for... for this episode, you sent us, I think maybe, and this is saying a lot, the worst suggestion for a topic that you've, I didn't read it. That you've ever sent. And it's just a picture of a, like, a wake for a random old woman. Oh, wait, no, let's do it. Oh, let me bring it up.

So let me bring it up. Oh, no. It's not, it's not anything negative about the woman. Who done died, Mr. Gomsily. I don't even know her. I am not saying her name. The fact that she is having a celebration of life at Cafe Cottage is a deeply disturbing thing. The people have overdosed in the bathroom.

I licked off of a 50-year-old man as a 17- or 16-year-olds. I licked off of his hand a bunch of molly powder. He dipped his wet hand into a bag of powder, and I licked it off in this bathroom. Now they're going to have a celebration of life. And they're saying, everybody wear orange, which to me has got to be the fuggliest sadness. Literally, wait, we're just roasting someone. Yeah, I have no. Yeah, literally.

Girl, I don't live there. He lives there. A celebration of life. Well, this old woman who looks very kind in this image. Like, it's truly. We will have a second line. So come ready to walk and dance. No one in Lafayette does a goddamn second line.

What's a side? line what does that mean when you walk down on the street with the umbrella and this band plays and you go dun dun dun it's like the it's like the new orleans new Orleans funeral kind of thing yeah okay interesting parade of life whatever they call i'm not making fun of the woman dying i'm making fun of the that this is where family and friends you just noticed that you just noticed that it's at a location that you have been to so you're like i want to i'm okay maybe 20 minutes out of this this bar this would be like if someone was doing this at happy fun hideaway or I can't think of a a similarly shady bar in New York to compare it to yeah no for your

cafe cottage just fucked up I do love it though in other news Bam Margera Brittany I'm here for you if you need help why is Ban Margera offering help to Britney Spears because he's so he's he's trying to slide oh he's sober. He became sober finally because they told him like, look, you got to be sober

if you're going to be in the new jackass. And then they... Is she on anything? Or is she just fucked up by life? She just seems like extremely traumatized. I think she might be on something,

honestly, unfortunately. Speaking of being on something, uh, it's definitely Sir Mike, who is Owen Wilson's son, who is about as black as Rachel Dolazol.

Whoa, okay. That's crazy. What is going on? I actually know this guy. He's very sweet. And his mother is African, so he's literally biracial. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. I met him quite a few times. He's very sweet. That's so funny.

I saw this Owen Wilson, and then it was like his son, and he looked like just a guy with white dreads. He's also, like, literally visibly biracial as well. Yeah. I am looking at pictures of him right now, and I can't even... No, sir, Mike Owen Wilson. Well, I'll bleep his name. I know... Wilson, who is a biracial man in the New York City area.

Oh, do you fucking... Okay, you're trying to tell me that this is biracial. Okay, that's a different kid. I don't know who is. That's what I'm talking about. This is a new type of person. I will see he doesn't look biracial, but I do. know that Owen Wilson does in fact

have by actually by racial kids so who knows what's going on with that one but it is a suspect image you are correct oh the first picture that comes up Owen Wilson's son started a rap cure and shit his pants on camera period okay let's get to you

Owen Wilson's son extra extra read all about it let's get to some local news from your adjacent counties okay so first off this is this is a little news from my neck of the woods in Louisiana, New Orleans.

New Orleans is supposed to replace all 911 calls with AI. That's going to just go off so great. New Orleans PD is fucking useless anyways. They're useless. I'm sorry. Can you repeat that? Yeah, no, literally.

The years ago they announced they're not even going to answer for a rape. I understand you're being stabbed. No, yeah. I mean, that's such a horrible idea. Your dad has your mom at knife point? That's so sad. I'm so sorry. Okay, this is incredible news. Have you tried calling the police?

New Orleans woman stole $20,000 in Bath and Body Works, candles, just candles in one month. Whoa. In New Orleans. How is that possible? She was ripping them, tipping them, taking her away. So you don't know how she did it? you don't know the modus operandi

she I think she was young too snatching and grabbing I think he was young too you know dumping them into a bag she's teenager

anyways her memorial's going to be a cafe everybody everybody wear orange if I die everyone better wear

lavender or it better not fucking be orange I don't want it to look like the jail just left out or Halloween town.

Oh, it'll look like Halloween Town, girl. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your friends look. And with the little news from Buffalo, New York, unimaginable tragedy puts expansion plans on hold for Frank's gourmet hot dogs. Oh, fuck. That's crazy.

I don't know. I don't know. What the tragedy is? You don't know? That's... I don't care. I was about the hot dogs. I was sad about the hot dogs.

Oh, there was a fire. That's not even the best. I mean, first of all, not the only hot dog place to be marred by fire in Buffalo. Second of all, Franks Cormeigh hot dogs, not even the, like, top five best hot dogs. So you think there's a, you're saying there's a hot dog arsonist in our midst, and that's what's going on? Well, I think the last one was Louis' Red Hots is a really good hot dog place. Not the best. Maybe it was the second best behind Ted's.

but um and uh and theodores the splinter teds that broke off that was from the guy the the angry brother but um i think that i think louis burned down because i think they put the guy in jail because i think it was for like a tax purpose insurance fraud yeah yeah inters fraud kind of thing so you you really would rap buffalo like you you defend it like you think it's a good place right no i don't love it I, you know. You claim it, though, right? It's a part of you. I'm from there.

I'm from there. Yeah. Buffalo rank among least pet-friendly cities in U.S. Is this a gotcha? Is this a gotcha? You were trying to do gotcha journalism on me? That's so funny. Like, what do you want me to say?

I guess like. Least pet-friendly. And the ground has been purchased in Urban Dale, Iowa. We're going to see the first Buckees store in a bean field and Urban Dale. I don't like... Buckees is it

God. It's actually so sad. It's an eyesore. It's an eyesore. It's a culturally barren, like fucked up place where people are actually probably like legitimately excited for this. They only have like the only things they can use

for like identity construction in the Midwest by and large. I'm sorry if you are listening in the Midwest. There are parts of the Midwest that I love. But unfortunately they only have these corporate signifiers where it's like, I go to this gas station, you go to that gas station, I love this gas, it's like die. It's like literally die or hope for better in your life than to kind of segment yourselves into your consumer choices. It's so thoroughly, just nihilistic and depressing to me.

I actually like cannot stand it when I'm in the Midwest. It's something that they really love. And they will be excited to get the Buckees. They will flip back. for the Buckees that is being constructed in a fucking bean field and I'm just like y'all need to do ayahuasca. You need to have a serious psychedelic emergency intervention in your life to shake you out of this corporate glaze that you're stuck in. It is so sad. But yeah, I mean, I'm not surprised Buckees is like, I'm sure expanding because there's a lot of hype around the brand. But even that, I'm just like, the idea of being excited about going to a mega gas station is like, die.

I, in Buffalo, we have like one of the best. It's actually a beautiful gold star on Buffalo's record, is that we have not to do exactly what Ben was just complaining about people doing. Oh, I'm so sorry. We got Wegmans, baby. and you know Wegmans is actually lit. Wegmans is dope. They got, you know, great subs.

I've been to a few. I did like the experience at Wegmans. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, now it's being spread to other places in the world, and I don't know if they can handle it. I don't know if they can handle the Wegman's power. But speaking of doing ayahuasca also and that enlightening you, I did have a very fun story that I, I noticed at the tail end of this story, like, that it was a thing.

But in the Great Land of San Francisco, one of the coolest places in the world, I just want to start off by reading this tweet from a guy named Stan Lee, who has founder in parentheses. Stanley, the Comics Man? No, this is just an Asian man named Stan Lee who has founder in parentheses in his name and said, San Francisco is insane. Two guys I know co-founded a company working 140-hour weeks. Both wanted to start dating but didn't have time to meet women. They made the efficient choice and just started dating each other, even though they're not gay. Other founders could learn from this level of commitment. Oh, my God. And I love that San Francisco is now like a lot.

lab where it's like a laboratory kind of furthering the mission of creating the most fucked up American psyche imaginable because of all these tech guys kind of continuing the MK Ultra like Operation Midnight Climax type shit of like what if we like found all these like hippies what if we like invented hippies and then we like fucked up their brains and created the Unabomber and shit um but also my brain's fucking. up already. In light of this story, there are like

gay bars in the Castro, which, you know, the famous district of San Francisco, they were using facial, AI facial scanning, a thing called patron scan that would scan

the faces of everyone who entered the bar, basically. And what could remember scoring of how, how what kind of liability they pose as a drunkard? It would literally be like, okay, like, it would read your face and like tell like their age. So if it thinks that you're like underage, it would be like. Oh.

Which, you know, there's no point in that if you just check IDs at the door. But of course they're like, no, we actually, it's even better if you use AI. Like this dumb thing we're inventing. Well, I'm sure it's also for like data capture on their. Oh, yeah. We're falling behind in the 45 to 62 demographic. We need more old faggots in here. We need more old sad gay guys.

There's too many old sad gays in here. We need to drone bomb them before they get in. Yeah, literally. Like, it's for, quote, also identifying problem customers and problem patrons with... So... This is... I already know there is some implicit bias in the system against me, specifically as a gay man with an

evil face, I would be they would let me in. They would throw you out immediately. They would be let me fucking in, girl. Code one I'm read, code blue. Add to the robot from the big like walk, the neck from Robocop comes out like pointing to

like 50 millimeter like anti-tank cannons at you. Let me tell you all. That is so depressing. Like if that's the future of bars in this country, I'm going to kill myself. I will literally kill myself. Let me tell y'all. Thankfully, the local gay scene kind of was like, hey, you can't really do this,

especially like trans people being like, oh, this is just going to be like, I'm just going to be clocked by a computer every time. The ClockO-Bot. The ClockO-Matic 2000. Oh, no, no, no, no. They drop a grandfather clock on you. Yeah, yeah, we're putting a pink triangle. Put this pink triangle on you.

It's printing out a label to put on your body. So I know someone who was ended up he he's in publishing or something and he was able to make this article about himself being him to him he was claiming unfairly turned away from a strip club because he got registered by one of those AI things and put on a list of do not go and you know. know, all this shit. What's, what do you think the real story is? Is that he went to a roller rink in New York, super fucking drunk and caused a horrible scene and was like, I'm going to call the cops on all of you and you're all going to get arrested. And he made this horrible scene and made it ass of himself because he is an asshole. And then he was like trying to cover his ass. So he publishes this article about. He's like, I've been unfairly targeted by AI

and I am not even allowed to go. I believe him. No. I will, whether or not he did that, you should be allowed. You should be allowed to have a crash out at a bar and then not be banned from bars. Every single bar. Yeah, forever. It's insane. It's so...

We let that start happening to bars. Guess what, Jock, you have a freak out of the donuts store and you're not allowed to go to donuts. Right. Right. Right. Literally. Wait, hold on. Be right back. I got to pee. also Ben you're going to love this aspect of the story this is it's tailor made for you so this is

about a fight for the future which is a digital rights group in San Francisco that led the charge for getting rid of these AI services which were at like bars and venues tune yards Deerhoff and other Bay Area

bands are among hundreds of artists who have agreed only to appear at venues that remove surveillance technology like facial recognition during their shows. So funny for tune yards to be like, I won't play there. Yeah, literally. It's like a good queen. Are you being asked to blade, honey?

That is funny, though. Well, good for her. Good for her. She needs a social cause to latch herself too. And I'm happy that she's picked one that is like actually threatening and not, you know, embarrassing. Yeah. That is so horrifying, though.

Another, more evidence for tune yards are innocent. Two years are good. Yeah, I mean, her music was iconic. Yeah. Hilarious. And like, looking back on it, it is like, wow, what a better picture of the time that, like, 2014. Like, what a better picture of, like, what the early to mid-aughts were like culturally. Yeah. Like, literally before they added the stumps and claps, it's basically like stomp clap, like indie music, but it's like not, it's not like...

Before it's sold out, bro. Unlistenably bad. you know what I mean. It's not like Luminers, which I love like the Luminers lady, AI, clocking her as she walks in, like, oh, you're here to trick gay guys. You're here to catfish gay men. I forgot about that. I was like, wait, what did she do? Yeah, the Luminaires lady being like a huge. She was the cellist for Luminaires. She doesn't call it a chaser. It would be like a Turner. She's trying to turn out gay guys. A Turner. Oh, my God, the Turner Diaries. That could be a new adaptation of the Turner Diaries, a woman who is on grinders.

Yeah, yeah, pretending to be a gay guy. I think it's probably not a bad time to be doing it. Gay guys are getting more experimental with their sexual practices I've found. Not that I am tapping emails, but I do know a lot of gay guys who are like, well, maybe not a lot. I know a lot of gay guys who say they are now more interested in the prospect of maybe having sex with a woman. And I guess I should qualify cisgendered woman here because gays be fucking on dolls like all the time. Yeah, yeah, a rock and roll gay guy to use the brilliant term coined by Macy Rodman for a gay guy who fucks a trans woman.

It's a rock and roll gay guy. Another San Francisco thing that I saw is, this app called WM-A-F-Meet.com. And it is, it stands for Western males and Asian females. And it is basically for, like, it's clearly created by AI.

It's like a networking app, I'm sure. Yeah, it's like a dating app, like, who, like, for Western men and Asian women, I'm sorry. Seriously dating in San Francisco. period. AI curated introductions, identity verified members, the most common couple in this city. Finally, with a place built for them. To stop. The shit needs it to stop. It is actually going to, it's going to tether our social connections more than we thought they could be fucking severed. This is so.

Oh, yeah. It's already happened. Horrible. I know it's so fucked up. We're talking about flock? Like San Francisco is like they literally are already so disconnected from like they are using AI to like tell them like oh you should break up with this partner because judging by like trends and stuff like die die die die hate when people genuinely are asking chat GPT like serious questions about how they should run their life like that's really scary. Like, you should be able to call up a friend or a therapist before you're asking a robot. I did see, though, and I don't like AI stuff, but I did see this funny video of this guy. And he was telling AI that he had been working for Saddam Hussein and that he, they were executing everyone. They were calling everyone's name and executing them. And the AI was like, uh, can you try to find a calm place or someone that get to help?

And he's like, no, they're all dead. Right. No, totally. People are so fucking stupid. Did you see that? There's this guy. Ted Lassen? No, Sniffies sold for like $100 million to like a big corporate manager, I don't know, private equity thing, I believe.

And after that, all of these guys on Sniffies were like mad that their data was, now being handed over to a mega financial management thing or whatever. And there's this guy in Berlin who latched onto this, yeah, righteous kind of anger on the part of the Stivis user base. I will just say you're a fucking idiot and a dumbass for being like, oh, I can't believe the butthole and blowjob app is selling my data. like, of course, girl, they were doing it before. Like, you're a fucking idiot,

shut up. But I am on their side and that, yes, this is like, this shouldn't be happening. But this guy in Berlin was like, I'm going to make my own sniffies. He called it the meat rack. He's a horrible, big like, just, like, just

a guy who like lives to fist and like, fuck. And it's like, get a life, you fucking loser. But he made this app called the meat rack. And it, ostensibly was going to do everything Sniffis did without capturing any of your data or, you know, partaking in any kind of surveillance of their user base, which I do believe he did execute that properly, that part of it,

but what mechanism did he use to actually build the app? Ended up, he just vibe-coded it. It was made with AI. So then everyone who was on the app, these kind of like, nightlife is liberatory, fisting is, you know, queer kind of, theory sex addict guys were clearly like, why the hell did you use AI to build this fucking app? This isn't ethical.

And I'm like, y'all are fucking dumb, cumbrained idiots. The ethical thing here to do is to not use them at all. Sorry. To not use the app. Yes, if you're concerned with the ethics of all of the, and the social ramifications of what

sex apps might be doing to gay culture or their role in data capture for the part of, you know, mega multinational corporation conglomerate bullshit things. It's like, we'll just stop using them. At some total. I'm a little tired.

I'm tired of the unmeaningful hookups. And the, and just like, it just feels like... I'm not complaining about that. I'm just like, if people are going to do this, like, heady argument against, like, you know, corporate capture of these things. It's like, there's not going to be an ethical fucking sex app. If, by virtue of becoming successful,

they are all going to sell to some massive corporation. and even before that point the only way you get successful on apps like this is by selling the data is by surveilling their users and targeting it and sending them targeted ads like what are we talking about? I'm surprised they haven't had done more bathroom raids

and conglomerate with sniffies. I also like it's so funny to be like I'm creating an ethical sex app for gay men and to be like AI can you create an ethical sex app for gay men for me. Like having it code the entire

thing by itself. That's literally what he did. That's literally what he did. I also, one more story that I have that is very, very fun that I love. This is, I saw, I was walking around today. I saw the New York Post.

You know, sometimes I buy the post when there's a fun headline on the front page. I love the New York Post. I love the New York Post recently. It's been my thing. Period. I mean, really. Right wing turn coming. It's coming.

No, it's just funny articles. This one, the cover was Nazi sex money scandal. Southern poverty law centered Big, charged with secretly paying racists, including her lover. And, you know, I didn't read into that one very much.

Because I, of course, you flip right to page six when you get a New York Postal. And this we got an incredible article. right here. Eric Adams Associate, Alyssa Rover,

is once again promoting an event for her charity, Angels Helpers, that according to sources, doesn't appear to exist. The former mayor is listed as a co-founder on the charity's website, and his brother Bernard, who was initially listed as a co-founder, is now identified as a board member.

Rover recently posted a flyer promoting a New Year's Eve Bash, featuring Snoop Dog, 50 Cent, and DJ Khaled, plastered with the logos of Angels Helpers. big art festival and FIFA. The flyer claimed the event would benefit Angels helpers and directed would-be guests to a website that did not work when we tried it. She also reposted someone's story of the flyer that had the caption, For Tickets, Contact, Alyssa Rover, and see you there. There's

just one problem. Sources connected to Snoop Dog and 50 Cent tell us neither star is booked for the bash, and they weren't even aware of it. That is just so shameless. They're really such a bad scam to pull, too. I'm like, girl, what the hell? A rep for the candy shop rapper confirmed he is not booked for an event with Angels helpers. When we began making calls on the phantom event, Rovers post disappeared. A rep for Adams told us he was unavailable for comment. We did not hear back from the reps for DJ Khalid or Snoop, and Rover did not respond to a request for comment.

This isn't the first time Rover has proclaimed to be holding an event connected to Adams before shamelessly walking it back. In March 2025, Page 6 reported that Rover was promising another, pie in the sky affair, an after party for Anna Winter's Met Gala at Gracie Mansion. How are you going to call the mayor gala?

How are you going to call us an after party for the Met Gala a pie in the sky? That's fucking deplorable. Well, no. You're just offended because I do love that interpretation of the situation.

Yeah, yeah. Pies are delicious. This is not even real, y'all. Pie in the sky. You all, they better be in front of. I was riding in an Uber a few days ago, and she was talking about how she drove to New York, and she didn't speak that well of English. She was like, yeah, we went to the Met Gala. And she kept saying, yeah, we went to the Met Gala. I mean, that's how you say it.

Well, she was just talking about the Met. That's how you pronounce it. That's called the Met Gala. Oh, she was talking about the museum? She was just talking about the museum, and she kept being like, oh, we went to the Met Gala. It's the most beautiful. Where is she from? That's hilarious.

What a dumb bitch. That's hilarious. You're not doing her accent well enough. She seemed like she, oh, actually, she didn't seem like she told me. She was from the Philippines. And I was talking about stuff I liked about the Philippines. And she was like, you must like Filipino girls. Uh-oh.

And do you? Yeah, of course. You kidding me? Hellie has a girl. A beautiful-eyed Filipino girls. Her wrong, uh, wrong podcast. member to talk to. And Filipinos have a notorious reputation for dating

Filipino. Oh, that's right. I never have, but I would. You date Brandon Wardell? They're the best. Hello, you do, I think, bitch. That's your boyfriend. No, Ben, you would, though? I would not date Brandon Wardell.

No. So you don't like Filipinos? I mean, I would. I wouldn't necessarily say he's the most representative. It's either you like, you would. Do you like Filipinos and you would date Brandon Wardell or you don't like

So you would date Brandon Wardell? If that's the option, I like Filipinos. Oh, hello. But I wouldn't date Brandon Wardell. Okay, so there's actually more than you originally said. No, no, I'm just back on. No, so you do hate Filipinos. No, no, I watched a movie.

I put a movie on on YouTube because it was recommended to me after I watched a video, and it started playing the movie, and all of a sudden, Brandon Wardell was on my screen. I texted it and I said, why are you on my screen? What are you doing? Why are you on? Answer me. Gab's like angry and scared. Did he respond to you, Jock?

A little bit than no, but yes. We were making plans to hang out and then... Oh, Pierre, huge. That's amazing. I'm jealous. Did he ghost you? No. By the way, Ben, if you want to be listed, Doss is playing at Paragon to me. I want to go, wait. Doss and Umbro.

And Gabby's there. It's my friend Zara's birthday, and I give him. My performance last weekend, I cannot go and drink anywhere. Hessa birthday to Zara. Maybe two glasses of wine and then guess, happy birthdays are. I love it. She'd be absolutely humiliated and probably angry with me if I was shouting her out. She does not listen to this show and barely understand what I do for work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really wanted to go to that show. You know my friend Gabby, Hessa? Yes, I know Gabby. She's going to be at that show tonight. She flew to New York to go back to that show. Good for her. I'm so jealous.

I appreciate the invite so much. We should hang soon, but I cannot. I cannot do that tonight, sadly, because I'm taking a week off of... Yeah, I can't do it either. But I'm taking a week off of doing anything. Going to any event, I know I will get fucked up at it, and that is one of them. I'm not going to be drinking there. I'm going to be, you know, take partaking in a...

Are you doing something else? She's doing. No, no. She's fucking skiing. down the mountain of snow. You heard it here. If you saw Hesseg out at the Doss party, you know. Hesse's about to be tranquilized like the biggest horse, a Clydesdale.

They're going to have to give her. I'm doing heroin in the bathroom. You've always reminded me of a Clydesdale. That's rude. That's one of the meanest things you've ever said. That you're very beautiful and that you're a rare breed. The most masculine horse. The most male horse.

I'm sorry that you're a beautiful mystic stallion. I thought that was going to go a different direction for a second. Okay, well, let's wrap up. Hessey-Yves for Dallas. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Let me go really quickly. Yeah, I really speed run my last thing. Seven hours before the show.

He's going to name every city in the United States and implore denizens of those beautiful states and cities. There's also a town. There's a town. Wait. Denny Zen. Denny Zen. Those are mine.

You should call your fans. Yeah, the Denny Zens. Oh, my God. That's good. Clay Higgins is hosting a town hall tonight in Crowley. Should I go to try to be for some investigative journalism? Why not? Yeah, of course.

Clay Higgins is insane. Go and ask my question. I will need everyone to book me for something immediately. I'm tired of waiting. You will book me and book me soon. It's becoming an attempt at like hypnosis. Yeah, literally, literally. I know, I know that.

Very, very sleepy. I know that there's other musicians and talents you can book, but why can't it be me and why do I have to keep waiting? I want to do everything and you people are holding me back. I'm dying, imagining a hypnotist being like, I guess you hate me. Like someone's under. I guess you hate me if you don't want to smoke less. Oh, I guess you want me to kill myself. If you want me to get it.

BPD DJ hypnotist. If you want me to kill myself, keep smoking the exact same amount that you're doing now. Also, I'm working on it, but I'm working on with Ivy Woke and

Greta, a Shards Review podcast. Oh, love. What is Shards? It's Britain Ellis's book adapted by Riley. Brett Elton Ellis.

Yes. Nailed it. Yeah, you got it. His abdemptation of his book, The Shards by Ryan Murphy. Ryan Murphy. Okay. All right. You already here first, everyone.

I love you. I love you. Eyes peeled for that. My booking is yay, very fun at gmail.com. Y-A-Y, very fun at gmail.com. Book me for your wedding, for your bar mitzvah, for your Ramadan, for your birthday party, for your funeral, for anything.

I just need you to book me now, a club. I'll do Burning Man. I mean, just do something. Yeah, book me. Book me, too. I am a DJ named Horses, and my email is Horsesaddress at gmail.com. And that is a real email that I own. So if you want, yeah, if you want me, I actually do have that email.

Oh, you know, how so. And book me in the meantime. Goodbye, everyone. Bye. What up? Get fucked you. Here my history could terminate

But Carlito No. You know You're not Dichiebe, that you know I'm talking You're more prodita I've got

A bitchreng and a Tremendda cricka Rapidly I didn't know what to do To be for the kitchen

And a Cucillo I'm