Seeking Derangements - SD 531 - Crazy Off: Benjamin Smith VS. Jacques Gonsoulin

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Hello, Seekers! Ben here. Today, Boston’s most fabulous real estate agent, Benjamin Smith, joins Jacques and me for the face-off of the century. It’s Smith v. Gonsoulin, and it’s all about who has the craziest stories. Prompts include: What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you on a bus? How many restaurants have you been banned from? How many fights have you gotten into at a Caribbean music festival? Answers include: 34 shots, punching a mummy, projectile vomiting in a vestibule, and screaming about quesadillas.

I would just be I'm going to find my vape, honey. Honey, get your vape. I'm, I have Zane two cartridges of Zinn next to me, girl. I know what it's like. I've never had a Zinn before. They're not bad. I just feel like I'm like, I don't need another,

I don't need another way to consume nicotine. Like I already have been. 400s, I got the vape. I'm like, I'm just, I just did the weed. This is my weed vape. Oh my, I just took two edibles. So this would be fun. Oh, okay, period. Well, I bought it.

I took it like, I don't know. I ate Burger King, like, before I was like, I'm hungry, so I need to like to sustain myself before I go on public media. Ben, this is my co-hosted jock. Ben, you've been on the show before we had an iconic one-on-one interview. We did. That was very iconic. That was really fun. People loved it.

They've been asking for your return. And you two are very similar. You are both, I mean, two very strong, brave people who are their full selves without any kind of, you know, consideration for the public, for decorum, for, you know, what you could call good taste. I'm not saying that in any shady way. I genuinely love and respect both of you so much. I think we need, we need to start multiplying people like you because you are some of the only honest people.

I love both of you so much. And I was thinking these two divas need to get on the mic. That's fine. How do you spell John? How do you spell your name? J-A-C-Q-U-E-S. Love that. Just as a joke, I have it on the, on Stream Yard as Janet Reno. This is like one of my alternative personalities. Oh, I like that. It's like your sign. of fears. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I mean, I figured I figured I needed a little bit of a setup to hold

this episode together with you two maniacs. So I thought you're also two people will have really crazy stories and really crazy, you know, I think lived experience that we all do. Yeah, been a lot of places seen a lot of faces. Been a lot of places seen a lot of faces. Oh, hell, like different races. White dude, his name was John. I'm not doing the whole, I'm not doing the whole thing. I was thinking we have a crazy story contest.

The way I imagine this working is I I'm going to shout out a topic. Like, worst thing that's happened at a bus station. First fight you've gotten in with a boss. All of this stuff. And whoever has the crazier story, I will give

them a point. It's one point. her winning crazy story and we'll see who gets the highest point. Are we to start with the bus question? I know, I have a bus one. My bus one was like just because I was high. I don't know. Let's start right there.

Craziest bus story. Craziest thing that's happened to you on a bus or at a bus terminal. Ben, have you got one locked and loaded? Yeah, Nubian Square, man. Okay, what happened?

Are you familiar with the Boston area? I am not. I'm in New York. city right now. I've been to Boston once for like six hours on a train transfer. That's like all I know about Boston. I mean, I'm familiar with Boston from your videos, Ben. I know like Harvard Square and

Jeffrey's Pointe's Boston. Jeffrey, Jeffrey's Pointe's Boston. That's what we are right now. I take it all in. Shout out Jeffrey's Point. So you were at with Nubian? What is it? So anyway, so you were previously called Dudley Square.

They renamed it Nubian Square to Okay. So I went to the pot store. It was the only pot store at the time. This was like 2019. Like marijuana. Yeah, like weed store. Like the dispensary, some people will call it.

So I go to the one in Brookline Village and I have to take the bus back. So take the bus back from there to Nubian Square. And it only, so the third time, this guy kept being like, yo, you want hide, you want brown, you want hard, you want brown. And I'm like, that, no, I'm not. trying to smoke crack cocaine tonight. So I was just literally, I was just like, nah, dude, I'm not trying to have that kind of night.

Ha, ha, ha. Just like, play, you know. You know, yes. So the third time he asked me, I'm like, get the fuck away from me. Like, I know, I, for the third time, I don't want any crack or heroin. Thank you. It's a simple thing.

It's like, I'm stoned as shit at this point because I just got a pre-roll from the thing. So I am convinced that I'm, somebody's going to rob me for my Kate Spade bag. Because this girl... They're rare. She committed suicide. They're rare.

I know. Well, so then... Okay, so anyway, I say of the story. Okay, so, anyway, so fast... So, I am feeling like... So there's this, like, not very good job of doing it transgender there. And then this, like, other lady, and then the guy that was trying to sell me crack, heroin and I'm convinced

to my head that they are cornering me to steal my Kate Spade bag because not only was I like the only I was the only fancy person there like I looked really fancy that day I had like white pants like riding boots like Burberry I like looks good that day

good enough to rob so I'm convinced that they're trying to rob so I'm like darting around like slowly moving to the side so I get on the bus and I hear this motherfucker outside the bus, be screaming shit. And I'm like, oh my God, please don't let him be getting on the bus.

Oh, no. He gets on the bus. No. No. I'm like, please don't let him sit next to me. He sits next to me. I hate when people sit next to you on the bus, please. I know, especially if they've, like, just had a nervous breakdown outside.

Yeah. So, anyways, so I'm on the bus. And this is, like, one of the only times in my life I thought, like, wow, I'm really going to die now. Oh, no. So he's like talking to himself and he's like picking fights with everyone in the bus and he's like, I know y'all motherfucker is something. And then it reaches in his pocket wicked quickly. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my. Like, I'm sorry, if a crazed potentially homeless guy on the bus is screaming and reaches in his pocket, like, it's not going to do candy.

Oh, the one day I'm wearing my burberry. Yeah. I'm like, it's not going to be, he's not going to pull out a candy bar and be like, like, anyone want to share with me. Like, I'm like. I'm like, yo, so this guy's going to fucking kill us. So I thought he was going to kill me, and then I get off the bus and walked, because I was like, okay, well, I'd rather walk through the girl. You must have gone wicked fast out of there.

I went, I was the next stop. I was so off. But the thing is, he didn't whip anything out. So I'm like, oh, my God, I'm not waiting for her. I'm not waiting around for him to, like, do the final act where he kills all of us. Because something's going to be whipped out. They love whipping things out. Yeah, no.

Creeps on buses love whipping anything they can whip out. They'll whip. Was it a dick or was it going to be a gun? I thought he was going to pull a gun or a knife or something and start killing us. But he didn't. So this is kind of an anticlimactic story. But you booked it. You booked it.

Yeah, I'll just run to fucking CVS to get my VibS for a series. I had to go to CVS and it was important because of my Vibans. Of course. So, like, I'm not screwing around here. Like, I need to be alive and not stabbed to pick that up. Because even if he did stab me, I'd probably just go run it and be like, I need my Vibs. Now call 911.

Well, you know, you hear those stories about how, like, first time moms can, like, lift a car off their baby. But that's how I act if someone threatens my Vibance. If they threaten my prescription, my Colanippin. I'm like, y'all better, y'all better get, y'all better have a linebacker. Okay, we got Ben's, we got Ben's bus story on lock. Jock, your craziest, your craziest bus story. I'm on the Greyhound to Houston, and the woman next to me, is like you want to drink some raspberry liquor.

And I'm like, yeah, I guess so. And so I take like one sip. And I kid you not after this, she downs the entire bottle of raspberry vodka after that and just sleeps. So I thought, okay, this couldn't be that bad of a ride. I'd already taken an edible. So it was really high and fucked up and then drunk. And the veteran, a few seats up for me, starts having a... PTSD rant, freak out.

The people are just getting out of their seats and standing in the aisle, backed up, crouched behind, and he's screaming, he's going to kill someone. And he pulled out a pocket knife, and we had to pull the bus over, and the police had to come intervene. And that same similar situation has happened twice with two separate veterans on having PTSD,

on the Greyhound from Lafayette to Houston. Twice, both of them got in at the Beaumont, stop. It's Lafayette and then, like, Beaumont, and then Houston. It's a treacherous route. Yes. Wow. Yes. Okay. So, yours actually had a knife. I was just concerned.

I think I have to give the point to jock there because there was an actual weapon. Yeah, there was an actual weapon involved. Yeah. That story was kind of inclimactic once I told it. I was like, you had to, you had to, be there. It's behind on drugs to be there. Totally. I would be

scared shitless in out of those situations. So again, you're both stronger than I am. Let's do, well, I mean, you both pick up prescriptions, it seems. Craziest, any fights you've gotten in with a pharmacist, weirdest interactions at Walgreens

while you're picking up a prescription. Does that one work for you? If not, I can come up with another one. Yes, I have, like, much material for that. I was a fire, before I was a real estate agent, before I was a Starbucks person, I was a pharmacy tech for years. What?

Right? This is perfect for you. Pharmacy tech, Ben, I don't even know which freak I'm going to pick. Okay. Well, Ben, if you want to think about it, we can make Jock go first. Yeah, you go first.

You go first. I can see the memories flooding back to you, Ben. You must have dealt with Dregs. Okay, Jock. Recently, there was like a, he had to have been 90 years old. He was walking with his walker and he came

specifically, he didn't skip in front of these two women that were in front of me. But he skipped, there was a whole line in front of all of us and he skipped in front of me and I said, excuse me, he said, out of my way, faggot. And, okay, so we

have a slur. That's a big one. That was a crazy. And then the other thing that came to mine is I got a call from Walgreens in Lakewood Sloan's Lake. This is like the Denver Sloan's Lake area. And they were like, excuse me, we saw that you were trying to fill your prescription

today, and I said, I wasn't doing that. And I came to find out that the pharmacy technician had pretended to be me and tried to fill my own colonnipin prescription. Whoa. And steal it. And I had to talk with Walgreens corporate about the experience. I had to explain to the police that I was not trying to be... I wasn't trying to fill it. I had just gotten my prescription. I didn't need another one.

Yeah. Oh, I'm a Pediolite head too, Benjamin. Ben is chugging a pedigalite. So this is a CVS brand. It's cherry pomegranate, and I call it my amuge-boogh. I like that word. So it's like, well-market electrolyte-max cherry pomegranate. That's too much to say.

Just, what are you drinking? Oh, just having some of my amuse, booge. Very fancy. Ben, what was the catchphrase who gave me last from we recorded? Fem. Something not fancy. Fancy, not fancy, not fom. Fancy, not fem.

Wicked up, Diva. That's in my Grindr, as I like to call. Period, girl. Because you're fancy, not fim. Well, it seems like that's it, Jock. Your pharmacist filled your prescription to steal your drugs and you had to get the cops involved and Walgman's corporate involved and you were called a faggot. Yeah, that's all one, one one. That's a heavy hitter. We've got a slur.

We've got police. We've got drug addicts. Oh, wait. One last thing. They accidentally doubled the strength of my Ambien without telling me. Oh. And they prescribed me a, I didn't realize the Amy and I took was a double dose and I had drinking a little bit earlier that night or at one point. Is this all the same day? All the same day. And no, not that. That's the different. This is a different time.

But I took the prescription and I slept on accident 14 hours and I slept through a plan meetup with my friend. And Kirstie called my mom and said that I committed, she thought I committed suicide. And the police broke my door down. and they came into my room and they were like, are you? I was like, I'm alive, I'm fine. And I was called my mom and I was like, I'm alive and I'm going back to bed.

And then I slipped another six hours. Okay. That's a great story, but that is, we're going with the first one. Ben, your craziest pharmacy story. Now I'm wondering, do I want to be the pharmacist? Do I want to, or do, are we going front store in this? Because I have a...

Girl, we can do whatever. whatever you want. I have a called faggot and police didn't get involved, but I got in a fight with a security guard at Walgreens and Roxbury. Okay. You can't do that one. Okay, you know if this starts with picking up a prescription. So I go in to pick up the

because they didn't have enough of my effects are. So I go in to pick the remainder of my effects are up and this is this Walgreens on Columbus and Roxbury. So like classy joint on there like, you're not a lot in the store because you kind of like something whatever and I was like no no no let me tell you what actually happened so now I'm going to tell you what actually happened so I'm in the store and there I have an issue with security guards I always get in a fight with security guards

yeah um they're always because they're like the people that didn't get into the police academy that still want to boss someone around and they're like oh geez it's a faggot with a purse let's see if we can So much to prove. They have so much to prove. Benjamin, I can relate to you so hardcore on that. They're like, okay, great. Let's go fuck with this faggot. So anyway, so this, I'm in the one in Roxbury, and I need goods.

Like, I need Aussie land. Like, I need, like, some apricot scrub. Like, I need shit. Yeah, you've got to get it. And then, because he only had part of my FXer. So, like, I'm only half sane here. So the security guard goes because I like was carrying the stuff and it was like my bag was completely zipped. And I was like carrying stuff and I like just kind of plop stuff on because it was like a thing to carry it on.

But it was zipped, whatever. And the security guard's like, yo, you better be paying for all that shit. And I was like, excuse me? Yeah. He's like, you better be paying for all that shit. And I was like, you know, I'm actually not buying anything. because I'm not being spoken to like that. Yeah.

So I'm just actually going to not buy anything. So I went and I put all the shit on the counter up front. And I was like, your security guards is a psycho, not playing. So anyway, so Homeboy follows me out of the store. Wow. In complete violation of Walgreens policy. How do I know I worked at right aid and Walgreens are like that? So literally he's like, yo, yo, yo, I know you steal and you fag.

I know you steal and you fag. Oh, I don't know. So I went into goofball strength mode I picked up a cart in the parking lot and threw it at him. Okay. I didn't intend to hit him. I just wanted to make a raucous, you know?

Did you hate him? No, I didn't hit him. Okay, okay. You must be really strong. Why are you doing that, you faggot? I know you stole. So I opened my bag and I go through everything and I'm screaming at him.

I'm like, really? So I stole this contact solution. squirted out three quarters of it and then just left the store with it. I was like, okay, yeah, this notebook I wrote all this fucking crap about real estate in it. And then I stole it. Like,

I was like, search me. He's like, I ain't got to search you to know you're stealing faggot. And I'm like, oh, okay, search me. He would not search me. He's like, I was like, okay, at this point, this guy is just being harassing you. Insane.

And now I'm being harassed. So then I was like, what the fuck you think I steal? So I started taking things in my bag and just throwing them on the ground and scream. I was like, what did you think I stole? I should have disengaged, but I was like in a moment of engagement. So he's like, so then this like crackhead with like a flip phone runs up. He's like, I'm filling this whole thing to let everybody know that you're wrong. And I'm like, who are you?

And who's like, why are you rejecting it? And how do you think that I'm in the wrong? Oh, he was talking to you? That's crazy. God, they just hate on you. They were told, they were, they were like Roxbury buddies, two of them. Yeah. They hate to see a fancy guy.

End of the story, I like take out my nail kit. I bought it CVS and I threw it and I actually hit him with it. Nice. And he's like, you just assaulted me. You just assaulted me. You just assaulted. And I was like, well, you call me a faggot like 48 times. It's called self-defense.

Anything, I can say anything racist or anything phobic to you. You aren't. So then I called Walgreens. corporate and he got fired. So Okay. That's my Benjamin wins.

I'm going with Ben there because we've got slurs. We have a physical attack and someone lost their job. Walgreens corporate was involved in both of them, which is fucking hilarious. Can we dial them in? Like, I'm just kidding. Ben,

you are taking the win there. Your neck and neck one and one. All right. All right. Good. They just want to see a fancy guy like us with the purse be taken down because they're jealous that we have swag.

Well, and you're intimidating to them. It taught the Boston police on me. This other Walgreens in East Boston. Mm-hmm. And I wasn't doing anything. And they're like, he's like, I know, I know that you were stealing this other time that you were here. And I was like, okay. And then some like random Puerto Rican chicks like, I've seen him do it.

And I'm like, okay. So, okay, so this is. Why the hell is she throwing you on the bus? I don't have anything on me and a random Puerto Rican chick said... I thought you said a Puerto Rican Jew. I'm just like, what the hell is this crap? Like, and the Boston police were like, why are we here?

Yeah. So they like made me sign a paper. I was like banned from the store for a year. Anyway. Oh my God. Okay. That was like, the thing is all I wanted was makeup brush cleaner. like and then I got that.

People are so disrespectful. And this is why I wanted to Amazon. I'm like Amazon I don't have to like look at the fucking freak ringing me out and wait for a fight. And there's no security guard. Yeah. No, totally. There's nobody that's people to fight with.

Like trying to police me. Ben, you get the point there. Let's pivot to the dining world. Worst fight, worse interaction, worse thing. some total to happen at a restaurant. Ooh, okay.

Let me start with a story from when I was 11, and I would go and eat ice cream, T-C-B-Y next door before. You love that shit, too. I love T-C-B-Y, the Rainbow Swar one. Do you remember the Cappuccino chillers? No, I probably wasn't loved to have coffee when I was low like that. The C-C-B-Y age, I probably wasn't allowed to have coffee. Yeah. Well, they had this cappuccino chill. Anyway, I would go and I would eat a bunch of the white chocolate frozen yogurt. And I would eat a bunch before dinner. I would say I was playing in the parking lot, but really I was eating a shit ton of ice cream. But then I would go and eat the super rich Italian meal. And I get like Fetuccini Alfredo and Parmesan chicken and all this bullshit.

Just dairy packs. And then I think I even had a dessert that night at the wine restaurant, whatever. Then I ran to the front of the restaurant, and I threw up all over the front welcome mat on accident, and I was banned for the restaurant until I'd turned 18. Okay. How much puke over you talking? Like a storm.

And it was like I had eaten all yogurt, dairy, grossness. So it was just like... Sour. And my family was so embarrassed because it was like one of their favorite restaurants. Okay. So banned at a restaurant at the age of 11 for throwing up on the front thing. But that can't be the worst thing that's happened. That's one you picked, Ziva.

Benjamin, worst thing to happen at a restaurant. I'm going to, I think Ben might take this one. But Ben, I am like, so, like, can we, bad things happen in places. Can we, like, specify, like, are we talking about bar and grill, or are we talking about, like, the bar bar bar? Anything from McDonald's to Michelin starred. We'll call it all a restaurant.

And okay. Let's not include bar because we might do bar fights later. So no bar fights. Restaurant. They have to serve food. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, okay.

I'm just going to go with this one. This is not like, this is just one that pops in my head. So like, I used to live in the North End and then I moved because it was too expensive. I moved to my parents' house. This is like when I was like early 20s. And then so I would still visit my friends in the North End, my Framador, and there was a Mexican place there. And I, like, wanted a cassidia or whatever the fuck I wanted. Anyway, I specified no tomatoes.

And, like, this isn't the most ridiculous thing. This is just one of my favorite onliners I've done. So there's tomatoes in it. I get back to my friend's house, there's fucking tomatoes in it. I'm like, I can't eat that. I'm, like, insane. I'm, like, insane with food. Yeah.

So I, like, go back and I'm like, okay, this is, this is, this is. This needs me made with no tomatoes. So I get back to my friend's house again, and there's fucking tomatoes in it. This is the second time there's fucking tomatoes in it. I want to show them. I'm like really, really weird with food. So I like barrel back into the fucking burrito of the Mexican restaurant, I guess. And I was like, excuse me, there is tomatoes still on this.

You're a Mexican. Period. Period. Okay, I do have to say one other restaurant story that I thought of, if it's okay. Are you at the end of your... Go ahead, but Ben, did you have anything else there on that one? No, they were Mexicans. They were Mexicans.

I mean, there's a punchy line there. Mexican can't make the fucking hazeadio, right? Mexican, make the difference. Yes, yes. Okay. Jock, go ahead. Went to a restaurant, had the first time ever going there. I was on my roller skates, sat down at the outside patio, eating,

pizza with my friend and I drank 13 draft beers. And then after I drank the 13 draft beer, I marched up on my skates to the front cashier desk and I said, can I speak to the manager? And I handed the manager a napkin with my resume written in crayon. And I said, I want to start working here. And I'll be the best dishwasher you ever had. And I was hired on the spot. And I started the next day.

and when I was leaving the restaurant, I was still so drunk that I roller- Oh, like 27, 28. I roller-skated straight, 26, I roller-skated straight from the restaurant into a mini-cooper and ass first, and I dented the mini-cooper, and my ass was bruised, blue, and black.

You hit a parked car. I think I've said this maybe before. Was there a person in the car? No. They died. Incessingly. The enormous weight of my fat ass. Their car was crushed like it was going through a recycling plant.

It was one of the cars in the brave little toaster, you know, the smashing. Yes. That's like what the car looks like at the end. They're all singing. They're like, do, do, do, do. I think you'll get the point there, John, because you were banned from the restaurant. I've been banned from several restaurants. I've been banned from like every...

When I lived in the North End, I was banned from every... Yeah, most. 90% of bars in the 0213 zip code. Like, I was just... Let's take it a little more intra-community. Worst fight you've gotten into with another gay person. This could be a gay guy, this could be a trans woman,

this could be anyone in the larger LGBTQ... community, what is the worst fight you've gotten into with one of our siblings, so to speak. Also, can I just say this out loud? We should have a ban off and we should list every single place we're both banned from. Don't worry, Giva, we're getting there.

I have a lightning round prepared for the end of the episode. But worst fight you've gotten into with a fellow gay. Gay people are treacherous. Gays are very, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like, I'm messy. The thing is I, like, I don't think there's, like,

one specific worst fight. I just think it's a pattern of like I'm very messy. You fuck some people's boyfriends or something? Sometimes I'm like a professional side chick. Sorry. It's not my fault.

It's not my false. You give that energy in a good way. I like, I don't know, a lot of people have like been like, oh my God, we're going to be like boyfriend soon. And then they're like, oh my God, I already have a boyfriend that Ben does.

know about. But I don't know. I have a really funny fight story, but it's like, I don't know if they were gay or not. Okay. Okay. Okay, well, let's do this one then. Let's switch it up then, because I want you to both have good stories for it. What if we do?

I mean, we could go into romance then. Worst cheating story, whether it was you getting cheated on or you being busted for cheating for touching on someone's man. Worst cheating story. Me and my boyfriend at the time and our best girlfriend were kicking around hanging out and we were talking about who the hottest person in town was and I said it was Nathan Manchu and they said and my boyfriend at the time Pete said um um you can't say his name he said he he he he said wait you don't think I'm the hottest guy in town

And he got really offended and hurt his feelings. And then I went on a vacation to Denver. And that weekend, he went and fucked Nathan. And then when I got back, he told me that he fucked him because I didn't love him enough. Okay, that's really BPD psycho. Boyfriend behavior. Yes. Not bad, Jock.

And I submit to the courts also. I was in an affair with a married woman, and her husband caught me, and he was a friend, And the neighbor went and told the husband that he saw us having sex in the laundry room. That's a heavy hitter as well. He broke up a married couple. Well, no, they wouldn't break up. They were in it.

Oh, they sustained this hits. They were in an open marriage, but she had to tell him before she did stuff, and she didn't tell him about me. She didn't tell him about. And we were starting to have sex in the living room next to his place, but next to his bedroom. But then we decided to-sex of the girl or guy? He's bisexual, Ben. Can you believe it? I didn't know that.

He's a real bisexual. Yeah. And he doesn't even have that much sex with guys anymore. No. He's usually having sex with women, which is crazy to me as well, Ben, and I don't like it. I think women are odd. I just don't think that they're like, doing or hard. Have you had sex with a girl before, Ben?

No. And everyone's like, how do you know? And I'm like, I know. Of course you do. What if you were on a desert island and there was only a pussy on the island? or like would you fuck the woman and that was like if that was like you're stuck on the island and you're there for like years and you're just like bored. No, I feel like I'd make like a hump doll out of sand or something, coconut. Like I made, like I'm hoping coconut husks.

What are they called like the blow up sex dolls? I'd like make one of those out of like sand and coconuts and seaweed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the last question for you, Ben. If you were, if if the woman came to you and she said, we are humanity's only. hope to restart and bring humanity back. And I get

I get the commoner somehow. I'm just saying. You'd make a turkey bastro out of coconut hot. Yeah. I'm just like I'm just I'm not, I just I would love if we've restarted humanity with you. It would be kind of hot like, ooh, we're the last

people like all are is going to look like a snap from now on. Exactly. So, but like at the same time, I don't even want to do that to my descendants, because they're only other people they can fucking marry are they're like, at first generation

like siblings. It does start with some ingreating. Like siblings and cousins. You know what I mean? It's like, this is a feast for imbreeding. But like, no, I'd come on my hand and then be like here. It's your job now, honey. Yeah. If you want to say humanity, it's on

you now. Take two, you know. Takes two. Yeah. Okay, Ben, craziest cheating story. Um, hmm. All right. This kind of fits the mold. I was like to get something with this kid. My first like love, my first like fuck, my first like everything.

Okay. So, anyways, so we were had a rocky week in, this is like March. I don't know what the fuck this was. 20, 2009. Okay. Anyway, so fast forward. So then we had a rocky week. week and then all of a sudden I'm seeing posts in his

Facebook like on the phone IG whatever and then all of a sudden he's in a relationship after months of me being like let's be in a relationship he's like I'm not ready I'm not ready he meets a guy in fucking Facebook and starts dating him a week later and it's like you already have the best thing in the entire world here you're really

looking on fucking Facebook okay but then fast forward to we spent a summer hanging out when I was back from college like he was cheating on his boyfriend with me, but like then fast forward forward

to December of 2009. Yeah. And me and my roommate, Nick, were obsessed with Craigslist misconnections and the Craigslist personals. We just thought it was really funny. Mm-hmm. So we'd like

look at them and laugh and then one of them I love them as well. Yeah. One of them pops up and it's like mail for male 21 Quincy Center, blah, blah, blah, blah. whatever, and it's a picture of my ex, my first love. Horne his fucking new boyfriend that he got

in a week, after stringing me along for months, was pimping him out. On Craigslist. So what I did was I printed the prostitution ads. There's three of them. Sold them off very nicely,

concisely put them in a lovely envelope, wrote on them, because this is a December. So I want to looks like someone's on the naughty list this year and then put it in the envelope and then mailed it to his mom at his parents' house. And Tom did so it would come on fucking Christmas

Eve. God. So he would be there, oh, whoa, great Christmas Eve with my son that's not a prostitute. Oh dear. You know what I mean? Oh, God. That's what I did. So that's money, I don't know if that involves cheating.

Like, yes, we cheated. People just cheated on other people were just having sex with everyone in that story i think you're you're taking you're taking the point there years later i banged the kid that he was pimping out that was pimping him out just i was like okay i can't not like i have the opportunity right so like why would just like just complete the story okay ben you take the win there that is a fierce revenge ben that was a beautiful story that is a beautiful yeah it's like a like a um grim nursery rhyme that was sweet revenge that was dirty fantasy. That was so bad. I can't believe I did that.

Well, you know, you do crazy things when you're young and you're betrayed. Yeah. Look, there's a great capacity in all of us to do some crazy shit like that. My problem was, is I was like, how do you not understand I'm like the best person in the entire world for you? Like, you suck.

I don't. Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree. It's like, oh, no, no. I'm just going to date this guy that hoarse me out on Craigslist. Okay. do this. I believe you both, you both worked in customer facing jobs before. So let's do craziest story with a customer. So you have to be, you know, you're clocked in, you're working retail, you're working real estate, maybe you're at a restaurant from all the various jobs

you've had. Worst story about an interaction with a customer. I just did six dabs in the, the ice cooler, the, or the freezer, and I can't. came out and I looked straight ahead because it was an open kitchen restaurant and the customer straight of the head of me, a head hit the table. And in that moment, she had a stroke and died. And it was one of the most intense moments I've ever had working at a restaurant as far as I just got so, so fucking stoned and immediately a woman died at the restaurant. It's because of that secondhand eye. You killed her from stroke. She took one whiff of that

Uming walk-in with the dab smoke And she She fucking croaked Okay, so Jock murdered someone That's gonna be hard to beat then But Yeah, there's no Possible way I can beat this

But A legitimate murder I worked at Starbucks In the battle days I remember yeah So I had my fucking headset on I'm at the drive-thru

and I worked at the co-hast at one. So every customer was super bogey. And then this guy, I'm giving him his coffee, whatever, at the window. And he's like, excuse me, I have an odd question for you. And at this point, I think I've heard everything. So I'm like, oh, I bet I've heard

Otter, stranger, whatever. Yeah, what's up? And he's like, will you be fumigating? It's almost like April. It's almost like the spring and the summer maybe March. Will you be fumigating this area for bees in the summer

time? Because I've just purchased, I've just gotten this new convertible car and I really would not like to be bothered by any bees or anything like that while I'm waiting in the drive-through during the summer months. What the fucking hell? I like, it hit me, like, he might as well have just shot me in the head with the fucking

shock. Like, I could not, I was like, I couldn't even, like, I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought, I'm like, what answer? Do you even get back? Yes, no, I rescind that I have not, now I've not heard stranger.

You've raised the bar of things that are ridiculous that I've heard. Like, it's cleared the, you just like, fucking to the moon, I swear. Like, literally. It's a completely ridiculous question. What even makes you think that? I bought a new convertible, therefore the world should be rid of bees.

Yeah, it's evil, but he probably just wanted to brag about his convertible, it seems, right? And the thing is, it was like a mini cooper. It's like, that's cute. That's obviously like your second car. Like, I know you're like a rich situate or like cohast it or hang-home guy. But like, why do you need to show off to the Starbucks person of the point that you're trying to like kill bees? like bees are like they're like endangered pretty much

they say if the bees go then people go. But I have a new convertible I don't care about anybody else. Yeah, no, he's clearly a piece of shit. And Porsche's like you said it was a mini Cooper? It was like a mini Cooper convertible. It was like big fucking deal.

A mini cooper's and Porsche's remind me of small penises. Yeah, they're not very masculine. I will say that. That's a femme car. Jock, I think you're going to take the point there because you did murder that old woman by giving her a stroke from the secondhand marijuana smoke. But Jock's at three, Ben, you're at two. Where else should we go here?

We could do bar fights. I was going to say we should go crazy hookup for crazy hookup and kink for kink maybe. Okay, let's do crazy hookup for crazy hookup. Crazy hookups. Well, Ben, if that doesn't work for you, we can't let Jock pick it because he knows he's got some loaded there. What about, well, we could do, of course, biggest fight with the police. We're story in jail. Yeah, we started in the fight with the police.

Okay, biggest fight with police. Because Ben, I remember on your previous episode that we did, you said that it once took eight cops to get you done. It's like six cops, one minute, 45 seconds. So what happened was, okay, so this is like, all right, so I was seeing this guy. And so he lives in Chelsea with his sister. Oh, so we'd meet, like, in East Boston to hang out.

And I, like, wasn't really drinking at this period in time because I, like, was living and, like, sober living because I have, it's a whole other story. But so, um, I just one day, like, snapped and was like, dude, I want to get fucking wasted, kid. Wow. So I did. So I, like. Went to meet Poppy, we'll call him, at fucking Maverick. And we go to get Burger King. But I get there before him.

And I'm already wasted. And I was like, oh, I'm going to buy shots. It's so cute. Like, for him, you know, that's like a gentleman thing to do. Yeah. So I, like, buy, like, let's say, like, six shots of, like, fireball or whatever. And then I'm like, okay, three for me. Like, three for him.

He, by the time he gets there, I'm like, Poppy, I got you one shot. Like, it was. bad. I was on a tear, dude. I was wasted. So what happened was is we were trying to go to his sister's house in Chelsea or something. Anyway, I fell down. And it's like, I was so embarrassed. I like fell down. Pompy's like, oh my God, you have

found down. Oh my God, that's crazy. So this fucking girl's laughing at me. And I didn't think she had the right to laugh at me because she was like, what's the word? A big fat white trash piece of shit. So I like just blurted out like you're a big fat white trash piece of shit shut up and then escalated into this fight where and then she like was like I'm getting my boys from the projects to come kick your ass like it's just crazy bullshit so anyway so obviously the police come so I had my bag and then I'm all like amped up because this girl's like just claiming I hit

just making up all the stuff to the police. This crazy, like, random girl and her, like, a big, fat, ugly friend. So the police, so this is, like, I had my bag, and my bag, like, bumped out and, like, bumped to the police guy next to me, just, like... Right, and he pretended that he got shot.

Less than a hit, like, if I bumped into you on the train. You know what I mean? Right, right. So one of the other he goes, oh, good. Like, his bag just touched me. we can call that assault. So next thing, I have all these policemen attacking me. And like, I did get in trouble for resisting arrest because the whole time I was like,

I am resisting arrest. I am resisting. I was like, and I was like, and they're like attacking me. I was like, I'm getting Black Lives Mattered, which is like not politically. Sorry, but like I said at the time, I was also wasted by the police. So I'm like, ah, oh no. Blackout Lives Matter. Hello. Ben Smith's Life Matters right here. And there's like five to seven cops. Like I think there were six.

Jane says there was seven. I don't know. Five to six policemen and I was tenacious. I was like, I am not getting handcuffed. I am not. If I get handcuffed, this is, they're in control. I am just, I am not playing that game. You're at five stars in GTA. They're trying to take you down. Literally. Like, it was, I look back. I'm like, I can. not believe I acted like that, but it's like a story to share now that's like, okay, kids that might be listening, don't act like that. So anyway, I did get like in really

big trouble. Like, arrested. Then they made up, they at least made up that I kicked them in the station. Girl, they're always making shit up. I know. And I'm like, can I see the tapes? But then like, it's like, it's not just

I ended up getting not guilt or not that got dropped Okay so seven cops a minute and 37 seconds six cops six cops a minute 45 seconds Okay that's a really that's a hard That's a hard record to be Jock craziest interaction with the police

Well tried as an adult At 17 years old For five for five Felonies for Industrial Vandalism Went to jail for three and a half weeks At 17 years old managed to make my way From general population to the medical war with just old and young people and mentally insane people,

then convinced the guards that I was mentally insane, had all of my meals inside my room, and the only time I was allowed out at night was when everyone else was sleeping, and I had access to all the remotes. And then when they started letting me back into the regular crowd, I had gained access to two of the remotes in the three remote medical pod area of the LPC,

Lafayette Parish Correction, center. Okay. That's a very compelling very compelling story, but Yeah, I'm going to give it to Benjamin too. I'm going to be honest, Ben, resisting six cops for

over a minute and a half. Yeah. Are you six foot two? No, I'm like 511, I think. Oh my God, we're the same height. We're the same person. If I came to Boston, can we go out to the bars? Oh my God. Yeah, we can go to

all the five things. Like, don't leave me out. I want to go. We can cover if you want to me. Well, do neither of you drink? Are you still, both of you don't drink anymore? I like don't, yeah. I like fuck off and drink every once in a while. Okay, well, I'm not, I will go out, but we can't drink because you need to stay sober,

but I will be drinking. We, Ben can drink and we can make fun of him together, Ben. Yes. Okay. Do you smoke weed? Yeah, and eat it and vape it and. I didn't know if you're still, just in the context of you saying that you don't drink something. Have you ever, has anyone ever been to a Caribbean festival? I have a good story from there.

Crazy, we could do craziest Caribbean experience. But craziest festival, craziest festival experience. Craziest festival experience, then, sure. Have you heard about it? So there's the Boston Caribbean Festival. And it's like a lot of fun. It's very exciting. There's a lot of, like, glitter.

and they were like big costumes and stuff. It's like a lot of fun, but it's kind of held in the ghetto. So there's always something bad that happens every year. But I cannot believe I was not arrested for this. But what happened was, is I was walking. I went there with my friend Dana and we're like walking around. And like I drank in like a little bit that day, but like not really a lot. And it was wearing off because I was sweating so bad.

It was so fucking hot. I was sick of walking. I, like, wanted a lemonade, and my friend's friend made fun of me for, like, wanting one. But I don't know. Anyway, so I'm just, like, over it. So me and my friend are walking back to his grandma's house. I'm just, like, so over everything.

Like, I'm walking. And there's this guy, like, dabbing, like, hey, hey, dabbing people up. So he's dressed. Like, he's in, like, a skin tight, like, body suit thing that's all white. With, like, a head piece, like, over him. with just like eyes and like a mouth cut. Like he looks like a mummy. Right.

But like BDSM. Yeah. Like it was he was like yeah. Like he was like a kinky mummy. Like he wasn't like wrapped in like gauze but like if you just drew a mummy like quick it would look like that. Right. So anyway, so I didn't.

The little cultural unawareness is about to come up. But so anyway, so I'm walking and I didn't dab the mummy back. like I was just like not hammered. So anyway, so I feel something hit me in the back, like wet. The fucking mummy threw paint on me. Because you refused his handshake. I guess. I don't think it was because I just think that it was in my head at the time, I was like, I'm being hate crime.

Because you were one of the few white people there. Because that, well, first cause he was gay. I was the fanciest bitch there. Oh, period. And then second of all, I like happen to be white. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I'm like, all right, I think I just got hate crime.

So I turn around and I just snap. I'm like shouting at this fucking mummy. And I'm like, you just throw pain at me, bitch. Bitch, motherfucker, bitch, bitch, bitch. You throw pain on me, bitch. Like, oh my God. So embarrassing. So I am up at, so I get closer and closer to this mummy.

And I'm like bitching at him. I'm like up in his face and like pushing at him. So the mummy runs away. So what do I do? I chase the fucking mummy. Whoa. Like change this paint-slinging mummy right through the crowd. And eventually the crowd is too thick because it's like really, really busy.

The Caribbean pretty busy. Yeah. The crowd gets too thick and I catch you. the mummy. And now I'm like I caught the mummy. What am I going to do now? So I said punching him in the head. Punching and punching and punching this mummy. And the thing is he wasn't really fighting back.

He was kind of like resisting. But like I was trying to get him on the grounds. I'm better at kicking. So I, he was resisting going down on the ground, but he wasn't really fighting back to me punching him. So then my friend runs up and grabs me as like, what the hell are you doing? And I'm like, The fucking mummy threw pain on me. And then later I learned, I guess, paint throwing is part of, like, the Caribbean

Culture Festival thing. Okay. I still think it was targeted. Nobody else in the line got pain on it but me. But, like, you know, whatever. So I beat, I fucking beat up the mommy. You beat up the Puerto Rican mummy. No, it wasn't Puerto Rican.

Jamaican. It was some kind of, a Caribbean mommy. I don't know. Yeah, period. Okay. Pretty good one. with a mummy, Jock. Crazy. And Jock, for reference, Ben, is from South Louisiana.

So he's got a lot of crazy festival experience. Oh, God. After being sober for seven months and attending a rehabilitation center, I decided to purposely go back into relapse. And I decided to do it at a music festival. And for the first time, after being sober for seven months, I snuck in with me. to this music festival a bottle of

ever clear limoncella weed brownies I brought ecstasy someone a guy handed me and my friend at my old manager acid and ecstasy

and my friend said I'm not going to take it so I took both right so I took four I guess I yeah I took that's like a lot of drugs and then someone that night i like could go bad sometimes but and then a guy gave me and that same boy uh each a roxy so we each took that and that was the first time after being code on slash apap yeah okay so then i was walking through the festival as fucked up as possible i had a short shorts on no shirt and i had a pink mullet and all the sudden

a frisbee hits me in the head and I said, who the fuck did that? I swear to fucking God, who the fuck did that? And it was my friend's dad who had given me the ticket to the festival. A dude was on purpose or by accident? He was just fucking with me,

but he was, I, I overreacted. Oh, God. And also I got kicked out of that same music festival for being the only guy dancing on stage for Big, boy whenever all these women jumped up on stage and started dancing with

Big Boy, the rapper and I was the only guy who got on stage and they threw me out of the festival and they ripped off my bracelet and I had to sneak back into the festival. Well actually someone gave me their bracelet after. I think you were that's a whole lot.

I don't know. I like we'll give it to you. We'll give it to you. Ben. I kind of think Ben I kind of think Ben should take it because it's a physical fight. Yeah, the mummy was good. Ben, we're going to give you the point there. Yeah, fuck mommy.

Let's do a lightning round. Okay. Amount of alcoholic beverages consumed in one bender. This can be ballpark. 14 draft beers, three bottles of wine, three glasses of wine, two celtzers, and a pre-mixed margarita. And that was the last time I drank ever. Ben, what about you? In one night?

34 shots. 34 shots? Throughout the day. Whoa. I used to be really, really bad with drinking. Like, John, there's no way you could drink the amount of alcohol.

You just listen to not get your stomach pumped. Dude, I'm just doing two boxes. Like, when I was bad, bad, bad drinking in like 2016, I would drink like two boxes of wine a day. I'm going to give it to Ben. I'm giving it to Ben there. I'm sorry, John. Here's the, I'll just, I'll accept that.

I'm going to mention also, honorable mention, 13 singles and two doubles at my mom's wedding. Okay, that's pretty good. That's about the same amount of like shots. Most choloric meal. Biggest meal you've had. Okay, it was a blueberry pancake cheesecake cheeseburger made with two patties,

cheese, avocado, egg, an order of truffle fries on the side and a triple gin straight on ice. Okay, pretty solid. Ben, what about you? I don't know if I can beat that. I think that...

You're more picky about food. He loves eating a lot of it. I don't eat... I don't know. I have, like, a weird thing's with food. Like, if it's, like, pesto pasta that I like... The texture's okay, I could eat, like, a vat of it.

Okay. Let's do longest duration in jail, whether it's prison, holding, drunk tank, whatever, longest duration behind bars. Rehab and we can count rehab and jail count. We'll count rehab slash jail, longest amount of time spent. Rehab stipulated rehab. Does that count? Yeah. Okay. How many months? All right. May, 2000.

17 I got off probation in October so fuck, okay.

So that was a few months anyway. I like was at the Hope House for at least a year and a half. Jock, what about you? Half a half sober sober apartment.

And then probably, and then I went to a sober like house. Mm. And then I was off because I ended up back on probation, because I'm a nutcase. So then

I like had to be in I've been in a lot of like things because I was probation. There's years at play. There's years at work. I didn't have it as bad as that and I had someone behind the scenes. I had a sugar daddy

who was 37 when I was 17 when I was arrested who was talking to the probation officer and able to get my sentence lightened. Okay. Body count. General estimate of your body count how many people you've had sex with in your life. Oh, God.

General estimate, more than 10, more than 15, less than 20. Less than 20, okay, Jock? I don't fuck. I'm with you, Ben. It takes a lot to get to me. It takes a lot to get this cookie, honey. 200, Jock? I believe, I believe him on that, Ben.

Okay, let's do one final one. What could we do for our final? I'm going scrapies, what's it called? Sniffies. I don't go on that. No, me either. Grindr? I go on Grinders, like, look and see what the other gays are doing.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's why everyone's on that girl. What's the craziest kink you've ever done? Yeah, well, end on that. This will be our tiebreaker. You're tied. Craziest kink experience.

I like don't, I don't know. I don't do kinky jay. I don't know. You're vanilla. Jock's beating you here, honey. Yeah, I mean, I like, don't do kinky shit. I'm with you as well then. I had sex with a woman in my mom's house in her kitchen

while my mom was on the way home and the stipulations that was I had to make her come with the front door open before my mom got home and I'd do it to her at knife point and I had to make her come before. Not with those greasy

hands. And she wanted to make sure that I made her come before or my mom would find us like that and it would be like horrible. No, I'm getting it. All right. No, nothing like that. Same girl. Well, you're a lady. Same girl. Huh?

I said, well, you're a lady. Yeah. Not like this. He's a dog. The same girl I ate her ex-girlfriend was on her lunch break and dropped off a chocolate cake. And then her girlfriend went back to work and I ate the whole chocolate cake off of the girl's naked body. And then the... At work?

No, while she was at her house. And then we went to lunch and left all the crumbs in the bed. And her ex-girlfriend came back home and saw all the crumbs and figured out what happened and was so mortified that she moved all of her stuff out. And then she moved into a new place. And when we got back from lunch, all of our stuff was gone. Jesus. I just didn't see crumbs on the bed and be like, it's obviously cake off of her naked body.

If you know him, it makes perfect sense. Well, I think you can just tell that we were up. I think that's like, I don't know. That's like far-fetched to me. I don't know. That's okay. But I did. He does it over exaggerate.

That's like the first conclusion. And good job. Well, she could tell from the bed that we had been up to sex stuff. Oh, okay. You take the crown there. But maybe we do a part two because Ben, I would love to have you back on the show sometimes. I would love to be back. Ben, you're so cool.

Yeah. We love you, Ben. I adore you. I think you're a bright light that we need in this world. Wait, John, did you know that there's a bar in Boston, a gay bar called your name? No, we have to go. You have to. It's the oldest gay bar in Boston. It's like, it's like very drag bar heavy.

Like the Boston RuPaul girls like started like doing drag like there, like the ones that are on. Whoa. Yeah. Like it's very like old, that like old like institutiony. It's cute. Yeah. It's fun. It's cat home.

Wait, we should, I would love. Let's go to Boston, Jock. I got it. Yes. Please. I have a cloud couch now. You can sleep in my cloud couch. Oh, period.

What's a cloud couch? It's like a rebrand piece of shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, they're comfortable. Actually, it's actually, it's actually, I'm on it right now. Like, I have slept on this couch before. Like, literally. mostly not on accident.

Yeah, me and Ben can sleep feet to feet. Yes. No homo. Feet to head, feet to head or whatever. Yeah. I have a bedroom in there too. This apartment's so sick. I'm so obsessed in this place.

It looks beautiful, man. I'm not ready. It's not ready yet. Like, it's just a shit everywhere, but like, it's about to be cute. I'd never have sex with Ben Mora. But any time that you sleep feet to head, people end up just breaking the rules. I'm just saying that out loud Okay

Sounds like you want to touch on me Pervert I'm not saying that I'm just saying the last time I slept foot to head with someone shit went down and I was like Well then why did you want to sleep that way

It's better like to 69 with I don't know No the guy was like The guy was up my This is a million years This is a million years ago It was my friend It was the last day I was in town

Before I moved away And my friend was like Okay We went to a concert and he was like we can sleep feet to feet so that we don't hook up and then we ended up hooking up.

Wait, feet to feet like you're both were this way in the bag? No, I mean, his feet to head. That's like that's so weird. Like, nobody's gonna want like big feet next to their head. It's just like you're just gonna want to fuck. Unless you do, if you know what I mean. I know. Like...

I don't have pretty feet. I know that. I like, have always been told I should be a foot model. just kidding. You could. I don't. I'm fine. My feet are fine. Mine are beautiful.

What's the best attribute about your body? Before you go? Yeah, last question. Oh, man, I have, like, go out of your legs. I do, and I don't, like, do anything to do it.

Me too, Ben. Like, legs? Like, I'm good on legs. It's because we walk fast. It's because we walk very fast. I've got good legs. Please, keep a pace. Like.

Yes, honey. Yes, and it keeps those calves swollen on me. And like, I'm getting so muscular from like bringing all the Amazon packages into my new apartment. Every second, I realize I don't have something. You know what I mean? I'll get to like the end of a recipe and it'll be like pour into like a colander. I'm like, what the fuck? I don't have a fucking colander.

Like, and then I order one and then a colander comes. And it's just like, fuck, dude. No, literally. well Jake Jock has to go to a karaoke night I have to go host to karaoke night a barred in my home Ben we'll have you back on soon and continue this the reigning champ of this episode so far is Jock but we might be you know he's ruthless I like don't even mind losing he's ruthless um hang on then don't don't don't don't hang up quite yet I need to get your files uploaded but everyone other thank you for listening this has been seeking arrangements with Benjamin Smith go follow Ben Smith and goodbye everyone you're the most you're the most wicked person