Seeking Derangements - SD 57 - we are weaning jacques off weed for his own good feat. sarah squirm

Episode Date: March 20, 2021

This was originally supposed to be just jacques and sarah squirm but I ended up staying on to make sure this episode was listenable. Actually I just forgot to leave because I was busy working on the t shirts. intro/// Hiroshi Sato - Akanegumo-No Machi (1978) outro/// Don Brown - Tango (1977) https://patreon.com/seekingderangements

朝から空は泣き顔 滲んだ狭い裏ドア The sky is a crying face A blurred, narrow back road A rain of tears A drop of water A puddle of water It's shaking That's the thing that I was worried about. Sarah told me that she was having explosive mind-altering ayahuasca-esque shits all day. She's vomiting. So we're having to record the whole meeting.

Meetings, he says. We got to record this whole... I'm calling it a volley. Look at Max literally trying to leave so hard. Look at him. Max here. Look at him. I'm not trying to leave.

What I'm going to do instead, whenever I get upset here, what I'll do is I'll focus on my work. I'm designing. I'm actually getting off my ass and designing the shirt for... I was going to design for Seeking Derangement. Wait, you guys don't have merch? We do. We do.

We just launched a whole line. Our first loyal, lucky 11 customers graciously came about and picked up our limited edition hand printed in tampa florida by um this guy named wiggett it's like w-i-g-g-e-t i think if you look on instagram and he makes a bunch of video game and anime t-shirt bootlegs and i was like yes we need you to print this and we have a business relationship and and i respect him as an artist and that's how many people listen to your guys's podcast i think 20 i last time i checked it was about yeah 22 people a few dozen wait i'm literally for every time i laugh i'm not kidding i literally am afraid i'm gonna pee

through my pants for the listeners at home i have to record this podcast in the only place i can which is in a bathroom so i'm sitting on the toilet there's only safe space i'm not kidding have you ever sat on an open toilet wearing pants it feels crazy you can't put a lid down on that thing i'm no there's no lid it's broken look at this bathroom you think there's a goddamn motherfucking lid in this bathroom that's no way to live i mean i know denver is not a not nothing nothing to brag about but what the fuck is going on in LA? I felt nothing good. I'm in a crawl space right now.

Is that... Oh, no, wait. Did you guys hear me play music really loud in my headphones? Nope. There's dirt on the floor. I'm in a literal crawl space. You sound like you're going through like the worst lsd trip right now do you guys hear the voices in my head

look i mean it could be worse yeah it could be worse i feel like i've had to record um from my ex's apartment um and i could hear the neighbors banging on the the opposite wall being like hey why don't you shut the fuck up well what were you doing were you smoking the dab too hard i mean i'm smoking loud dabs and i'm screaming fag and and like yelling about the end of the world i mean that's yeah that's all on par you look really cool today love your hat love your jacket i'm dressed for going to adult roller skating night right after this you can tell i got my my track suit on and then my unsolved mystery shirt from fine southern gentleman brand oh my god yes fsg rocks dude favorite places if you don't i'm not even joking right now i'm not even being a like a product placement uh little consumer

whore this is not sponsored not this is not sponsored i don't even know these people the only vaguely like friends of friends fine southern gentlemen out of austin texas prince damn cool t-shirts look at this it's got aliens on the money we got a shirt with aliens and then my favorite my favorite uh tv show unsolved mysteries have you ever seen that show sarah i actually i've probably seen it like what, 4 a.m. or something? It's like, oh, his wife disappeared. Wonder what happened or whatever. It's always like either he killed her or she ran away.

That is not, y'all are simplifying it. Literally every single time she just runs away. Sometimes it's like an entire school bus of 12 teenagers saw five triangles lights floating above the shopping mall. And then the military got involved. What happened next was a little weird. There was a guy in Mandalay Bay and he opened fire on a group of people. What happened? Nobody knows. Yeah. No one's going to find out. was a guy in mandalay bay and he opened fire on a group of people what happened nobody knows

yeah no one's gonna find out it's it's a it's a pretty crazy wacky uh you know circumstances kind of thing i mean these people are always getting into some trouble yep that's that's what it's called wacky circumstances these people are always getting into trouble and this season is just about jews can i can i go let me get a little true crimey there's this one episode and this girl's a secretary and she's a real devout christian girl and she's like super good you know just like normal doesn't have a boyfriend you know just sits at her desk at her lawyer's office reading um romance novels and whatnot well one day she's working and she notices um spray painted on the wall outside across from her i love you sydney are you serious giant letters i love you sydney smile more and then um um and i don't

think there's initials or maybe there was and they didn't know who they were well anyway then uh it gets covered up and then a few months later so it happens again and someone spray paints it in bigger letters and this girl uh then um like even though there's they keep the doors locked even though there's a button underneath her desk in case of emergency she goes missing and she um goes there the doors are unlocked it It's when everyone's at lunch. She's never been missing a day of her life. And there's a book open on her desk. And it's some kind of horror romance book open to a page about where a girl gets kidnapped at night.

And you're making this up. I swear to God. And she was never found. that's and that's an unsolved mystery and and but the the good thing about it is and this is the last i'll drop this shit after forever but the good thing about it is is that we're thinking about her we're honoring her life for like okay so true we're sitting around literally like we've got to fucking find out who did this and hold them responsible because we want this person back and we can't let this mystery ruin someone's life and when i get kidnapped raped and murdered how i want to be remembered

is as someone who got kidnapped raped and murdered i don't want anyone to be talking about anything else about me any of the accomplishments i had i don't want anyone to be talking about anything else about me, any of the accomplishments I had. I don't want my memory to be honored in that way. I want blurry black and white photos of me as a child smiling and saying, and that's what I want. Actually, I, this makes, I, okay, here's the thing. No one's ever been my stalker.

No one's ever been obsessed with me. Until now. What it with me until now until now this summer from the country with eric andre you didn't have a stalker then no no one was no one would sneeze in my direction. Can you believe? Okay, I thought you were on Adult Swim. I thought you were a celebrity or something. Yeah, and I was on Adult Swim, and guess how many people watched it? 2.6 and a half.

Yeah, Adult Swim is basically... At least I was one of them. It was what you put on when you were getting your dick sucked before Netflix and chill existed. Literally anyone who watched anything anything i did on adult swim was like hey it's like a guy on reddit being like i did too much dmt in my dead grandma's house and i accidentally was watching i was watching tv at 7 a.m um while i was coming off of dmt and i saw something really scary on the tv and i don't know what happened,

but it looked really scary. Sarah, you bring up a very interesting point when you say that you want to just be remembered poorly with all these black and white pictures or whatever. It reminds me. It reminds me. It brings about a little memory of mine. Okay.

I lost it. The memory's gone. little memory of mine. Okay. I lost it. The memory's gone. It just flew. How many dabs deep are you today, Jacques? Jesus Christ. I haven't had any. I literally do not believe you. I had one, maybe two, but nothing serious.

What is it? Okay, so smoking a joint is like, okay, you know when you get spicy food and it's like this spicy food is like three chili peppers spicy or four get like spicy food and it's like this spicy food is like three chili peppers spicy or four chili peppers okay so if smoking a weed joint is one chili pepper is smoking a dab six chili peppers i would say if smoking a joint of weed is smoking a joint of weed, taking a dab is basically injecting heroin. And if smoking a joint of weed is eating one chili pepper, doing a dab is essentially doing heroin. Oh, remember the memory.

Okay. The dabs, they say. And good thing you said that because it just jogged his memory when you said doing heroin. Rewind. Okay. That was amazing, by the way. Okay. The joke that you just made about not being remembered well, this is the exact same reason

I chased that ghost tour off at least three or four times. Can I zoom in here? I have permission to zoom out of the bathroom. We're zooming. Oh my God. She's going to finally be able to. We are zooming to the second location here, folks. So your roommate can't hear what I'm saying right now, right, Sarah?

No. No, this is the safest area in my home. Earlier, Sarah showed me her roommate on like a video of her roommate on a desk from far away. And I swear to God, I thought it was a literal, I thought it was a joke. I thought it was a literal trained monkey on a computer. I looked like the kind of monkey that the Ikea monkey was, that kind of really hairy. I thought, and this guy doesn't even look like that. like like the kind of monkey that the ikea monkey was that kind of like really hairy i thought and and this guy doesn't even look like that sarah's roommate is black for the listener who can't see

no stop no he's he's white and he's white and bald looking so i'm surprised we said you you we said how many dabs of weed did you smoke today and you said zero not only were you lying you were flagrantly lying to your best friends in the entire world do you understand me right now we're the your two best friends in the entire world oh don't make me cry i've been so stressed why did you get a call from a lawyer earlier is that a secret uh we've alluded to it before but but yeah um off the record jock is being sued by by monsanto because uh uh he he has a very particular um like no look i'll just explain no no no hang on hang on let me let me finish my fucking bit uh jock is harboring a type of yeast in his belly that that is also like monsanto's tried to like synthesize and it's basically like uh it's like a cure for

aids it's insane oh i heard actually that jock was getting sued by monsanto um from the soy lobby because he was doing soy face so much on zoom. Shut up. Look, I just, I, I really can't explain. I explain what's going on, but I'll tell you this much.

Pfizer is really mad. I should have not taken that recipe when I was leaving that place. Yeah. I took a recipe with me when I was leaving that place uh yeah i took a recipe with me when i was leaving there and they want it back they want it that bad yep and yep you're the first person in the united states of america to get the vaccine in your ass we know i got it anally and they i can't be bombing i can't be bombing it's. Both of you are looking at me in broad daylight. You're not bombing.

No, it's just me. It's just me. Look, let me just get back to that goddamn memory I had. You were bringing up about people not remembering. Oh, now it left again. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking god, Jock. I'm going to skin you alive if you do that again.

To be fair, we distracted him. We did distract him. Okay, yeah, to be fair. We know better than to distract him. Yep. You got me on the dabbies and then you got me zip zap big bad. Zip zap, zippity zipity Zim. I can't. They should hire us to be the next Pixar directors.

Boy, we would shake things up there. Absolutely. 100%. Sarah just chugged a big glass of Everclear, and she's making this face like it's too heavy for her. It's spicy. If you want to drink during the day, I'd take my medicine during the day.

Honey, let me have mommy's medicine during the day. Oh, Sarah, has Jacques told you about his... Has Jacques told you about his pills? No. The pills he's imported? Please, please. Please, please.

I'm a new pill head, so I'd love to hear about it. Oh, my God. Recently, a doctor prescribed me anti-anxiety medicine. Okay, I heard that before. And I got a, you know, I got a little, I was experimenting with some different anxiety medicines beforehand. I wonder what's giving you anxiety.

I wonder if it's taking a butane torch to a drug called weed. A drug called weed. Literally, I've been not smoking weed for two or three months and still felt the same level of anxiety, if not worse. Are you Jewish? No. No, no jewish no no no no no i'm cajun baby come on get it okay okay okay so you got anxiety medicine i'm keeping you on track okay uh you know it's just been uh taking the memories out of my brain and softening uh my existence pretty much uh you know i'm functioning and i'm also

being a little goofer you know it's all over the place you're okay i recommend riddling let me tell you guys about this stuff okay i get on the phone with my psychiatrist okay i start lying i start oh hell yeah let's go let's go i can't you know my attention is uh there's a deficit with it and um it's disordered and blah blah and maybe handing out this methamphetamine speed in a pill form and let me tell you i'm feeling good. Yes. You look like you've been smiling a lot. Yeah. I get a riddle in. I go Criss Angel mind freak style. I go Sherlock mind palace.

I go beautiful mind. I'm seeing numbers with my, might I recommend some of this? Magical fail. You know, I think anyone should take whatever they can get their hands on. Make them feel happier or more functional. I don't even care if it sounds bad. I feel the best even under the worst circumstances that I have in years. And God bless.

And God bless. God bless. I'm trying to pull so hard back that little tiny bit of that memory that I had that I was trying to remember. Do you want me to help you jog it? Yeah. So you were talking about you dying. Oh, the ghost tour. It's about the ghost tours.

Okay. Oh, my God. This is the thing that I don't like about ghost tours, is that they simplify people's lives down to the tragedy that ends with them and don't mention at all their beginning life. Tell their ass rock. Tell them. They don't even appreciate these people that they're making money. These people who died painfully. Get their ass.

They're exploiting. Well, I used to live at the Acacia Apartments in Denver, Colorado. This place is a living hellhole. Two weeks in, to live in there, I thought it was going to be a nice place to live, and I'm sitting there smoking a cigarette outside, and a ghost tour rolls up,

and they're like, welcome to the Acacia Apartments, a.k.a. the murder hotel. I put my cigarette out right there, like, welcome to the Acacia Apartments, a.k.a. the murder hotel. And I put my cigarette out right there, and I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're not going to do this shit here. And they said, excuse me. I said, go, go.

I started running to her. I said, go. Y'all need to leave. And don't ever come back here again. Don't ever put the Acacia apartment in your mouth. I literally defended an apartment building that literally chased me out of it. The veterans, the gay veterans in there, they all chased me out of that building. And I protected the ghost, though.

And that was my whole story. Well, who were the ghosts? Okay, so I would have to look her name up but there's this poor woman caught her husband cheating on um you know cheating on her at this hotel she locked herself in the bathroom filled the bathtub up and slid her wrist oh my god now this is where this is where it gets the murder hotel sounds like a suicide hotel i lived in well there's multiple things that have happened in that place it's been open since i i want to say like 1880 or 1890 so like over 100 years old uh it's a scary place it's a scary place. When you're in the elevator, even if it's summer,

it's just so chilly. And it's like one of those really old elevators where you have to press the buttons and operate the doors. They're all like that. Okay, but really old style. Well, anyway, I lived in apartment one.

The apartment that the woman killed herself was apartment 11. And they would have sage on the door. And this place is just not as creepy. I think you should have done your research. And instead of just yelling at the ghost star, get out of here. Instead of going full Clint Eastwood, get off my lawn style. You should have been like you know what and she was an elementary school teacher okay and you should have said you

know and her favorite used to be a slut i'm gonna put her i'm gonna put her biography on i'm gonna i'm gonna do a little research at the hit the old history books i really if i die and nobody makes a big deal about it i swear to fucking motherfucking you're gonna haunt where i will i gotta see waterworks this podcast has to do special documentary we are doing the the one hour who killed sarah squirm special we are the milking the fucking shit out of this one i've always i've always told them i have enough enemies that that if i die it'll make an excellent unsolved murder true crime podcast for max and ben to transition into immediately after. Has anyone ever tried to kill you? Several times. No!

Several times. This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Are you asking for it? Are you asking for it? Hey, you seem like you're asking for it. Hey, Jacques, smile more okay okay this fucking broad wants me to smile more i mean come on get a life get a wife i someone actually did try to kill me once and it was legitimately scary yeah of course it was

terrifying every time that my life has been threatened by another human i've been generally pretty fucking scared it's like i've been on an airplane that's like wait what do you mean there you've had a gun pulled on you i mean i i feel like you don't talk to me about being scared until you've had a gun to your a loaded gun to your head. Don't talk to me about being scared until you've gotten on Ben's wrong side. Oh, my. Yeah. Oh, my. When me and Ben were living together, I annoyed him one time. And I brought home my friend at the friend at the time his least favorite one of his

least favorite people and he looked at both of us and he was just just read just read us to filth just gave us just both was like oh you huh sloppy didn't make it to work on time whatever and then and then uh and then uh he looked up and down at my friend, and he's like, I don't even have to say anything about you. Oh. Get his ass. In all fairness, this girl, the one that he was mean to, she deserved it. I'm not even friends with her anymore today. What did she do?

Well, besides, she looks like a, she has she's i think she's very beautiful let me say this first oh we hate her because she's ugly no no we don't hate her i'm just saying she is very beautiful she has a she has the face kind of though of a dog kind of like a like a french dog like a like a like a um and one time i told her that um on facetime as a like just as a joke and we would always say like back and forth little things like that and she looked at me and started sobbing and then she looked at me you got her ass though and then ben hates her because you made her cry about being no no that's not why ben ben hates her because she's just like an annoying try-hard. I don't think I've

ever been like that mean to someone's face. Whatever. Ben is really sweet to me and one of my best friends. I'm just ragging on, just saying, get him on his bed on his grubby side. Okay, what does Ben say about me behind my back? Ben loves you.

Ben is like, oh, I love that girl Sarah. She really say to me about me behind my back? Ben loves you. Yeah, Ben's like, oh, I love that girl Sarah. She really gets me. That's a really good impression of him. Wait, let me do a better impression of him. Hey everybody, it's me, Ben.

And I'm here to tell you about politics. Yas queen, Democrats. Oh, Jacques is doing gay guy voice. Whoopsie. It's okay. I've sucked enough cocks in it for a lifetime to say fag and like...

And all that other stuff. And I can say gay guy. Yeah, this girl can look at me and say gay. I do notice your haircut a little bit more. Right? Wait, can I talk shit for a second? You look like you are from a different era more than you normally do. Okay, so I got a haircut.

I got a new haircut. Wait, stop saying it. No, go on. I was just going to say, now your haircut makes you look, resemble more like a extra from Stranger Things or an extra from like a 70s, 80s period piece television show. Anytime anyone is like, oh, Sarah, I saw someone on a TV show

that looks like you, you get a screenshot of the ugliest, fattest. It's always like a random like 80s documentary about like arcades and they find the fattest, ugliest, most heinous human being wearing the worst mullet I've ever seen. And they send it to me and says, this looks exactly like you. Okay, the worst two comparisons I get. First of all, I'm going to take my hat off so you can kind of see my bald spot. My least favorite is Gargamel from the Smurfs.

Oh, man. I mean. It's fucked up. I mean, it's pretty damn close. Now, the one that really fucking pisses me off is Weird Al Yankovic. No, that's not. First of all, it's nice, and you don't look like Weird Al. Okay.

The third one, it gets even a little bit more annoying. I like Weird Al, too, but I don't want to. It's like I like Jack Black, but I don't want to be compared to Jack black everyone called it's like oh you got jack back jack black body don't you i'm like why don't you just pull the fucking trigger then okay just take me out back like old yeller do the business can i can i shake and rattle your world right now yeah do it go ahead i've been waiting for someone you know who i think you look like? And you can't be... And this is a safe thing. Can we enter the Nomad at Sarah zone?

Okay. Yes, yes, sure. Why not? Everyone make the Nomad at Sarah zone sign. Nomad at Sarah zone. Look, Sarah, you could not offend me. I was literally not invited to be on a podcast recording today because I was fat we were on yeah but still friends of the pod

yeah but still earlier today and they were like they were like well we just we just want the skinny girls from your podcast to come on why did they kick you out they didn't even they didn't even invite me I found out after that I was too fat for those to be in the meeting

hey I'll break this whole podcast up right now. I'll start drama. I'm going to start drama. I'm a messy bitch who loves drama. I'm going to be the chaos agent of this podcast. Let's rattle them up. No Sarah zone?

A nomadic Sarah zone? Let's go. I'm going to throw something out there and I think I'm not wrong about this. this okay i think maybe you sort of look like someone who i think is very attractive bam margera yes yes yes a hundred percent a hundred percent mad dude i'm not even fucking mad Bam is a skinny legend He's hot He's fucking hot I don't want to imply That I would have sex with myself

But I mean like If Bam Margera hears this And is like a fan I mean come get a piece of this cake Oh my god And who do I look like? Nelly Furtado. Michelle Obama.

Oh, okay. Let me think of a good one. Oh, and finally, I always, everyone always says I look like Gallagher, which is a devastating comparison. That one is also heads on.

Yeah, you could tell. You could tell immediately. Wait, you want me to Google it? But I don't really, I it? I don't know who's looking at you. You just gotta see the top of my head. It's a little hairier than it normally is, but I'm going bald. I don't really

think you look like Gallagher, and I don't really think you look like Weird Al, and I think the people who are telling you this are people who are messed up in the eyes those people might have an eye problem because what they're seeing is definitely not what i'm seeing okay you little crazy cuckoo cats what do people even do for fun in la during covid besides nothing everyone hangs out outside I think LA is cool. Am I wrong? LA is cool when you can hang out outside.

But if you can't, then you're well actually fucked. You should come here. You can hang out outside. It's cool. If I go to LA, me and Sarah are going to record a video together and she's going to show me the sights and sounds. We're going to record a video together and you're going to me the sights and sounds yeah we're gonna record a video together

and you're gonna say um yeah but still who who the fuck are these two and why did i just watch that shit yeah but who wait can i talk shit about my haircut today yeah absolutely so i get on the zoom screen jock doesn't even notice that i got a haircut. Anyway, moving on. I get a haircut today. I get a haircut today. She snips away and then she goes, voila. And I'm like, love it. Can you take some off the top? And she goes, that doesn't really make sense, but okay.

Am I not allowed to say like, can't have like notes? You can have feedback on your haircut right and also like i don't think it's a like like like a bad haircut by any means but like she definitely could have like you know taken a little less off in the middle i mean she gave me she gave me penis hair she gave me penis head my head looks like a penis head now that's why that's she you just have like confused prepubescent oh my god i look like brand wardell right now who's brand wardell you look like white brandon wardell i look like white brand who's brand who's ryan wardell brian wardell who's brandon corkell actually my phone changes brandon's name to random wardell. One of my friends.

He's like that. There's these weird iPhone updates where your contacts name and image can change if they're saved in someone else's phone like that. My friend Rachel was saved in my phone as just Rachel. I just knew her. I have a lot of Rachels in my life, but she's like the prominent Rachel. I just knew her. I'm just, you know, I have a lot of Rachels in my life, but she's like the prominent Rachel. And one day I get a call from someone named Poozy.

P-O-O-Z-I-E. And I'm like, who in the fuck did I save as Poozy? Or I'm like, who in the hell? And my friend Rachel's like, hey, what's up? And I'm like, oh my god, why are rachel's like hey what's up and i'm like oh my god why are you saved and my phone is like boozy pussy and she's like oh my god i'm so sorry that's my mom's

like nickname for me what i'm like your mom calls you boozey boozy your mom calls you pussy that does not seem did you guys see that like kim no that's just wrong sorry did you see the like dad what's the dad kardashian hologram american dad wait what about like when when kanye made kim for her birthday a hologram of her dad oh my god her dad was dead yes her dad died her dad's dead as a doornail kanye makes a hologram of him being like hi kim it's me your dad and then he says her his nickname for her which is big pfie do you remember this yeah yeah okay i'm shocked and terrified that they have the technology to make holographic of your dead of dead anyone wait did this come back up again uh like from the due to the divorce or something well maybe that's why they got a divorce because kim said i'm so shocked and horrified that you would do such a despicable thing towards me. Okay. I think pussy is worse than pee.

Okay. Pee pee is pussy fart. Pussy fart. My big pussy fart. Can you come here, my big pussy fart? I just want to hold my little baby. Who's a cute little queef? Come here, my baby girl.

My little baby girl. Daddy's little baby pussy fart. Okay. Yes. Kim Kardashian, yes. Kardashians, check. We are now relevant. Welcome to the Perez Hilton pop culture circle.

How can I help you? See, I'm allowed to bring up Kim Kardashian if it's her dead dad coming back to life in the form of a hologram to call his daughter Pussyclaw. Classic question. Everyone gets asked this, so I know you must be tired of hearing this, but in terms of the movie AI, where they can make a robotic clone

of your deceased child, you've seen the movie. we've all seen the movie right no no but keep it i know but i would hate to break bring this train to screeching hall okay the movie is about parents that lose a child and then they have an android replacement of the child he looks and acts quote unquote acts exactly like him but obviously after a series of scares from the parents they the android robot child runs off to a land with the other forgotten robots which includes hugh or i want i want to say h Grant some British not Hugh Grant some other annoying British guy with teeth who's blonde who's on the movie I Heart Huckabees he plays the guy who cries who's the CEO and I Heart Huckabees or something I don't know whatever Matthew McConaughey no not that Matthew McConaughey isn't gay but he

Sarah did you hear or read his autobiography by any chance I'm really sorry to say no I have not read Matthew McConaughey's biography there's in the audiobook which he narrates himself there's a little bit where he goes into like

like you know i was just a little boy growing up in florida or wherever he fucking grew up right and then he like he's like my mom she she she really uh pushed me to become a better man you know and uh part of that was she she had me going into the soccer team. And the soccer coach molested me. And I was a great soccer player. And it completely rolls over the fact that he got molested by the soccer coach. And he said, and that's what made me an amazing soccer player.

Not even that. It's just like, fact, I got molested by the soccer coach. But I'm great at soccer. And he goes, moving on. Moving right along. Getting right along. At this point, not to silence the narrative of the abused, but why did you bring it up? He turned out fine.

He turned out fine. It's fine. No biggie. No biggie. No biggie. You know, by the way, PS.

Dude, y'all could not even believe. He's in fucking, yeah, he's in commercials. He's fine. I accidentally sparked a conversation that lasted 40 minutes between my aunt, who is in charge of all of like, if anything medically goes wrong with me,

she's the person i have to turn to and obviously that happens a lot so i need her help she's important but i have to like listen to her insane tirades she's going on a tirade about uh the accused she's like and just like the way they did this to kavanaugh was just so unfair she was like she was like that man was respectable she was like and then she goes and she's just going on this crazy tirade like i'm like oh um like jean i don't think that's the point yes queen yeah i'm like i'm a victim like i don't think that's how that works and then she gets and then she's she's like this is just another example of the left eating the left.

She's like, this is just, just like communism. Cause the communism eats communist. You know, the communist had, they, they ran out of everything and then they had to eat each other.

Jacques, I'm telling you, they had, she's like, look, I went for you. And like earlier this year for my birthday present, she gave me some money and she said, I'm going to give you a little extra this year.

But I want you to know I'm doing this so you can hold on to your capitalist roots. OK, you are a capitalist. Don't fall into all that socialist shit, Jacques. And little does she know, look where I am at. I'm smack dab in the middle of the map of the liberals. You know how around Thanksgiving time, everyone shares those graphics on Twitter that are like, talk to your racist relatives this Thanksgiving about racism.

That's your responsibility. It's like, honey, listen, I got to keep those $100 checks coming every Thanksgiving. I can't be opening my damn mouth. You crazy? Yeah, look, I am not about to lose my health over over having this conservative shit i don't even care i got enough health problems that if if if i if i fall or like you know my body's just gonna break like a porcelain figure what's your worst health problem um get probably my gastro or it's between my dad probably my gas gas yeah it's probably the gay thing it's the whole fag

thing it's a disease being a being a fag is disease is a problem uh but we've tried to fix it with this guy but okay okay it's impossible it's hopeless. I've had many diagnostic stomach things, and they are like, you were just born with a poorly created stomach. You drink battery acid, whatever it is, in fucking Bing cans. It also happens to be whatever makes Teslas explode every other day. And the fact that you're still alive is like a medical miracle, Jacques. Jacques drinks that brown goo that came out of Rudy Giuliani's head. I will admit that sometimes I don't make the best decisions for my gastro attack. But even when I am eating healthy and trying to make the right decisions and I have medicine for it, it still hurts.

Is it hurting or you're blowing diarrhea? What's going on? I wake up some days with an honest feeling that feels like I've been hit in the stomach a hundred times punch as hard as i can and it it wakes me up out of my sleep and i'll go take i'll go shit maybe three or four times that's the food baby trying to come out and and then and then maybe if i'm lucky i'll make it back to bed but this is why this man has turned to weed we have to save him no and and you know what i they they've there's even some speculated disease that is like smoking too much weed causes more gastro problems you know what i don't i don't give a shit at this point it's it's gotten it's gone from um unmanageable to basically manageable am i drinking

full bottles of pepto-bismol some days yes not the full not the full one but at least half at a time what do we need to do to get you to write a novel i want to what what's that guy like chris christopherson or whatever that did like my mind my struggle my struggle we gotta get you do a minute by minute hour chris christopherson the 80s musician did not fucking write munkife you how dare you put that blight on him? No, no, no. You don't. Wait. Hang on. Hang on.

No, that's Carl Ovenaustard is who Sarah is thinking of. Yeah, that's what I said. It's not Christopherson. Listen, it's called My Struggle. Jacques, do you know about this? This was like a big deal in like 2012. Where did man explain a book to you Jacques Oh my god

Let me explain A book to you here This is not the Da Vinci code I'm fine This really really mediocre Writer from Norway You remember like Girl with a Dragon Tattoo This isn't that guy This is a guy who was like super jealous of that guy

And his success He was kind of like a you know middling okay writer and he decided okay what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna write my autobiography in literally the most tedious way possible i'm going to go day by day through my entire life since i could fucking remember and detail literally everything about me like my entire inner monologue uh like from first memory through like first crush uh like learning to beat off uh like learning what arousal was uh like all my relationships the relationship i have with my parents like there's a there's a bit in the novel where he's talking about coming home from school

and his mom was in the bathroom upstairs and she was pissing so loud that he was intimidated by it. Yeah. And here's what I say to that. Keep it to yourself, okay? It's 3,600 pages long. It's been, yeah. And here's what I say to that. Keep it to yourself. Okay. 3,600 pages long. It's been,

uh, yeah, it's, it's insane. It's insane. And it's my big pitch is that Jacques should do it. It would be so interesting. I would love to put out an autobiography or even a memoir that's loosely,

or a book loosely based on my life. If anyone wants to ghost write that for Jacques, please get in touch. I would love to make, I would be really good at pitching a TV show that would be like Skins or like the show Girls. That would just be based on my early teens to my early 20s. Did you just take a birth control, by the way? What did you just take? Okay, first of all, of course I'm not on birth control. Do you know how bad that is for your body?

I mean, if you need birth control as a form of treating your polycystic ovary syndrome, I 100% support your use of birth control i think that if you don't need to use a birth control that you shouldn't because it's so damaging to your body i'm not going to go into it that's all i had to say about that but what were we talking about before oh what's the what's the pill in my mouth i'm taking one of my anxiety medicines as we speak nice as when you started to talk about memoirs and i started to try to imagine some of the things that would be in the

memoir the thought became so daunting so oh my god i needed the anxiety pill too it's okay you don't have you don't have to write it no yeah, I want it. That's why they have ghost writers. You pay someone to steal their work. Look, could you guys imagine if I had... Just hear me out here. I'm no Jed Apatow, and I don't ever want to compare myself to Lena Dunham because that's stupid and she's embarrassing.

But imagine if I had an HBObo style show like one of those two i mean uh-huh yeah that'd be fun i mean that'd be amazing more yeah okay picture it jacques rolls on screen dabbing out of a rig while rollerblading in the middle of traffic okay skating skating a semi runs into you title sequence jacques the musical i love this i mean i've already been hit you know i've been hit by the car before hit by hit by the car i love it you asked me what my worst medical injuries are um so i was about five and a half almost six years ago i was leaving a party walking home and it was a house party it was the busiest night of lafayette louisiana it was the friday night of festival international

and uh i was trying to leave and and cross the street between two cars. A car took a sudden right and went down the street speeding. Hit me. Hit me. And I did a flip and I landed in a bunch of broken bottles. Now, and like maybe like 30 or 40 people saw it happen. No. What do you mean then i'm all

i'm just it was just on the side of the street why couldn't you fall in anywhere else it's the worst luck it happens it happens so that everyone who's outside at this big house party approaches approaches the car the car drives off the guy then is um uh you know turns himself in later in the night and they do not charge him with anything and they charge me an 800 jaywalking fee oh my god so i was literally crossing the street to get to a crossing, like a street crossing so I could get home. I was like roughly five, 10 minutes away from walking distance from home. So when the,

when the car struck me, it broke both of my shoulders, both my collarbones at the same time. And I also unspannounced years later i was suffering terrible back injuries from i have an acute bulging disc and i have a herniated disc so it adds up to a severe lifetime of back problems so why do i smoke why do i do a lot of dabs because i my body fucking hurts i ache and i'm a super athletic i love to just get out there and have some exercise fun if we could play some dodgeball right now sarah i mean could you wouldn't that be so fun can you imagine tennis

wait what's the game in those in the chamber that's like all white? Smacky Ball or something? Racquetball. Racquetball. Give me some of that racquetball. Wouldn't that be so fun? Oh, my God. You'd be a menace on that fucking court, Jack.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Just the echo of your voice alone in the tiny chamber. Oh, my God. You're supposed to wear those goggles in case you get hit in the face. Harbinger of migraines in that fucking place. Honestly, we stan. We stan.

We do stan ultimately at the end of the day. Hear me out, Sarah. Legally obligated. If we had a movie together or a show together, the vibe would very much be Will Smith show together the vibe would very much be um will smith and the paul bart guy from hitch that would be like the vibe oh kevin kevin james yeah it would be like kevin james our vibe would

be our on-screen presence vibe would be that of kevin james and will smith in the movie switch no if we had a movie it would be the vibe of gray gardens you are you're a little edie waving your little flag get my little kibblets for the kitties yeah oh you are you're a big edie you're big eating. You're bedridden. Sarah, I only imagine all of you and your L.A. friends just like all sitting around being like, OK, OK, who's up next? Let's get our let's all do our sketches for each other. We're going to make each other laugh tonight. And Sarah's like, OK, OK, it's Sarah's turn.

Everyone be quiet. And Sarah goes up and she's like, OK, what's the difference between a broad who won't do you and a broad who will? And then everyone goes, what? And they go, I don't know. I'm Jewish. When me and my friends hang out, I go, okay, okay. I go, what's the difference between a broad who won't do it and a bride who will What

You got you got to turn off the Sibian before I can answer. Hey, the bra will do it. There's an easy pass. God damn it. You know what? I used to think that you were the brain child. I used to think that your parents were Robert Dangerfield and Amelia Earhart. But when you stutter like this, Sarah...

Oh, I think my Zoom is broken. You guys didn't hear me? Wait, what's the difference between a broad who will do it and a broad who won't do it? Hey, a broad... Oh, my Zoom's broken. Hey, what's the difference between a broad who will do it and a broad who won't do it hey a broad oh my zoom's broken my zoom what's the difference between a broad who will do it and a broad who won't do it i don't know the difference because they always do it

and you're holding a gun and waving it around like i'm shooting a gun gun at the audience kind of and everyone's like shaking their martini glasses i think you have a future in stand-up comedy i would love to try it stand i'd okay i no one knows this this is a very top secret but i had a brief wanting to be a stand-up comedian phase that i held very secretly because that shit is embarrassing you can't do yourself no no one no one no offense to you sarah you've made a career you're successful honey barely you're a lipster i applaud you for your you're an incredible artist um just like you know i forgot what i was gonna say god damn you well did you guys distracted because you kept saying sar Sarah, you're an incredible artist. I respect you. You're incredible.

You're beautiful. I agree. I've been there. I've definitely been there where I've wanted to be a performer more than anything in the world and expose myself and make myself vulnerable on stage. But I will agree that is the gayest thing you could ever think of doing. It is fucking stupid.

We will. Look at you two over here. And if you do it, you're a fucking mark. I'm sorry, you lost. I did one stand-up. I did one stand-up. I did one stand-up alone, secretly, like on an open mic night. And I made people laugh a little bit initially, and then it got so balmy bad. Have you heard about this?

Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Just doing Jay Leno. You said, what's the difference between a broad who's doing it and a broad who won? Hey, there's no such thing as a broad who won. I got a gun, and then you had the gun at the open mic. What did you say? Okay, deafening silence from you youtube from the penis gallery over here

it's it's my fault it's because someone started calling me and i i needed to tell them hey i'm recording i'm saying hey i'm sorry i'm recording right now mike mike mike mike mike here's the thing you okay stand-up comedy is fun because you're in a room with people you're hey listen you're having fun you're talking to people you're what you guys do talk every week into a microphone for hours there's lengthy there's an archive of all the horrible things that you guys have said are you i never, I, you couldn't pay me millions of dollars to have a podcast. I would be incriminating myself every single, people would find, when you're a standup, you get to dress up, you're under some cool lights.

You know, people only see you for 18 to 20 minutes, 45 minutes, maybe. You know, you, you totally get to like create the vision of yourself that you want people to consume. You guys have to have a good personality. You have to have stuff to talk about every week. I mean, it's kind of like Twitter, honestly. We just condense our art into a different way. We're spreading it out.

We're like peanut butter. We're like crunchy peanut butter spread across a long baguette. And you're more like a weed butter on a small piece of toast on like a like a croquette well uh for for me i guess i have a little bit of practice with that because i've been i mean i agree with you because it's it's it's super hard to have that like super long archive like with twitter like i get suspended basically every year, at least like every nine months. I wonder why. Do you think it's because you upload pictures of the inside of a dog's asshole turned inside out?

I wonder why you get kicked off Twitter. Is it because you keep uploading pictures of labia stapled spread out over a ceiling? No, honestly, if I had never met Max max i would look at him and i'd say what's that docile non-threatening creature doing here like max doesn't even give off the vibe of um like let me show you this picture of a prolapsing asshole coming out well well with me i mean that's that's the reason why i do that is because i got suspended all the fucking time anyway so i'll i mean that's the reason why the fuck that is because I got suspended all the fucking time anyway. So I'll fucking post whatever the fuck I want.

There's not going to be a record of that in, you know, nine months when I decide to mouth off against like some Washington Post, you know, opinion writer and call them, you know, several slurs and get myself banned. I mean, honestly, you know, this is why he's the CEO of Seeking Derangements yeah I'm like fucking tough one nothing sticks on me we have a lot of things we don't need to get into these business technical terms Sarah we got technically Jacques is an indentured

employee we have a contract for 10 years Jacques has to come in weekly and do an episode or else or else we uh kill his family one at a time can i say the most um foul um like like louisiana thing that it just reminded me of i literally i literally knew an indentured servant like in Louisiana basically like what like like never was was this person like hey I'm an indentured servant but like hearing stories about these people and then putting it together and I'm like like I'm an adult now and I'm like

this woman her name I guess maybe maybe well isn't that like the Gina Tolentino thing like oh yeah because her family was like flying in people and like they basically flew this person in and I think or at least to my understanding they flew them in and you know she lived there basically for the most of the duration of her life and then moved out at the very end and then died after like yeah no that happens with like rich latino families sometimes where like they'll move to the states and and filipinos it happens even more often where like they'll they'll move to the states uh and like they were the maid in the philippines so they're like okay well we'll we'll bring you along with us like we'll bring you illegally right i'll just say that we'll like keep your filipino passport and and you know

louisiana has a thick if if we get fucked up if we if we get uh like deported because of this like you'll be left holding the bag like it's it's and like why would we pay you a salary when you can just live in our house and or why would you have to leave why would we pay you an american wage when you're living yeah in our house or whatever like we'll we'll pay you a third third world country wage uh i mean to like our servant now no no you have to out them now. No, no. We have to cancel them now. I'm not... Ben Mora, you are on notice. It was Ben. It was Ben.

It was Ben, of course. Ben had Gobby, or what's that Harry Potter creature that's in the closet? Gobby. Gobby. Gobby sounds like the Porno parody version of that Where he's made out of cum And he's like dressed in cum rags But Ben has like

A Dobby in his closet Like always like scared of being hit He has a brown Dobby Ben has an intern for his t-shirt company Who's an SVA freshman Who really wants to get huge on Twitter Is that Are you just making that up i'm making up a big rumor that we're going to spread during that honestly though honestly like someone listening to this will probably hear that and then

be like that's a great idea for me to get in well the problem with that is that there's going to be someone stupid enough to think that it's not actually or to not think that it's a rumor to think that it's like actual fact that ben has a three and a half foot tall uh nicaraguan living in his closet look ben ben loves he has so much pride in those fucking t-shirts he's like i have the machine i use the machine. I lurch my back over the machine, and I make these beautiful T-shirts for you. And if you don't appreciate them, then to hell with you. Here's my formal request, Ben. I want a T-shirt, but I have $1,800 in my bank account,

and I cannot be buying one right now. So please, Ben, send me one. My address is... Sorry, no, he wouldn't even give us he does he we don't even get a fucking case we don't even get a fucking taste of this some this is some expensive t-shirts you know you guys have a seeking derangements intern doing all the cracking all the cracking, all the numbers for you guys. It's me. I mean, Max is honestly like the ultimate. If you're not already, which you are, sending Max nudes or like thankful messages, seeking derangements would not happen without Max in any capacity.

We did get sent a nude to our email address last week. That was fun. Address to him. Who was it? Address to me. I heard it was a hot picture. Was it a hot picture? Quite a large penis. Yeah, it was pretty hot.

It was quite a large penis. Quite a large penis. I'm trying to be respectful here. And was it ass, penis, balls, and boobs? Full frontal. Full frontal. Full frontal. And I have a question for everybody on the call is it possible physically is it possible physically to get take a nude uh-huh where you get boobs ass penis balls in one shot i think that's the best with enough plastic surgery and mirrors you can do absolutely rewind what do you i don't understand what you want i'm saying nudes should be like this we're

okay let's say i'm terrible taking nudes let's say if i'm sending a nude you're gonna want to see any nude you're gonna want to see boobs vagina and ass how do you get it in because you want to get bang for your buck in one nude oh i see what you're okay so what you're gonna want to do yeah yeah yeah like put put your legs up like have you tried investing in syrups like ob-gyn syrups i could get you a discount my dad's an ob-gyn probably has a few lines around are you serious your dad's an ob-gyn yeah i'm serious it's a heart attack oh i want to expect you love he gave uh jacques's dad this is not a joke jacques's dad got big friedia uh or gave big friedia uh srs no no no no no my dad didn't yeah no yeah he gave big friedia a pussy don't start no no no stop stop you can google this google jacques's dad big friedia i don't want that i don't want that first

second thing on google the first one's like one of those don't make that joke i don't want that. I don't want that. First, second thing on Google. The first one's like one of those. Don't make that joke. I don't like that. That one is that. Come on. Okay, and edit, and Sarah comes back in and says, I want your dad to give me a speculum so I can see what the back of my cervix looks like. Okay, literally, I wish.

A few years ago, my dad was getting rid of all of his old tools. Are you serious? Wait, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. This is like 10 years ago, probably. I was younger. And he had all of these antique OBGYN tools from the early 60s and 70s. Are you serious? So foul.

Look, look, look, look. This one dot. Look, one of the things they had was a genital wart burner. And I swear to God, it was also meant for treating several different STDs. At an early stages of STD treatment, people would literally burn people's pussies and dicks with a hot. And you would think they would think of a different thing. Don't burn it. So look, I ended up...

My dad gave me this antique genital wart burner. He gave it to me. And now you use it to light the dabs. Well, no. I wish I still had it. But no. He gave it to me so I could make wood-burning art. Okay, so your dad's an artist. it to light the dad well no i wish i still had it but no he gave it to me so i could make wood

burning art okay so your dad's an artist yeah my dad my dad's my dad's a carpenter carpentry is his art he builds beautiful houses boats uh you know he built he rebuilt the interior of his airstream my dad honey is he single get out of here god um but yeah my uh my siblings would always joke that if my dad had or if we had like a tv sitcom show about us it would be called ob-gyn blues and me and all of my siblings would work in the ob-gyn doctor's office and it would be about our funny interactions with each pregnant woman and it'd be a goofy workplace comedy of your dad like putting his face like the thing is um this is hilarious that I've ever even been told this. My dad is well-liked as an OB-GYN in Louisiana and in general.

The feedback that I've gotten from women, women coming to me and being like, this is my feedback about your dad. They're like, okay, incredible. back about your dad as and so they're like okay incredible i love that he had no bedroom uh humor or at all or slash no like my dad would like look them straight in the face and be like you want to have this baby or the baby's gonna die and like most doctors you know coddle. And like, you know, my dad helped start the midwife scene in the 1970s in Louisiana. Wait, your dad's hot. My dad is not perfect. And me and him have gotten in quite a number of quarrels.

But he's an incredible. But he knows his way around a pussy hole, tell you what he's got his guy's knowledge i had so many dinners when i was younger where it would be like like over dinner my mom and was the secretary at his office and it would be like oh so jamie had to get her cease her severian section today and they're like oh we had to get some new-severian section today, and they're like, oh, we have to get some new sanitizer for the speculums or something. Or, you know, just things that I never knew, but now that I know what they are, I'm like, oh, my God.

It was so normal to you, you barely gave it a second thought. Okay, I found in my dad's VHSs a pap smear, how to give a pap smear instructional video. Obviously, it was not my dad giving the video or he would be demented. But it was, like, meant for doctors. It's, like, what they would, like, give, like, a professional doctor. professional doctor so i'm like you know like 11 12 years old just like going watching random vhs tapes i'm finding around the house and i put in like pap smear and i'm like oh oh and then years later oh forget about it years later I have a girlfriend

and she's like I gotta get a pap smear I'm scared I don't know what it is and I was like oh my god you should definitely be scared

I saw it and this shit does not look good yeah honey I learned how to do it years ago I can do it better myself at home

I've done it plenty of times at home and I'll do it again I at home. I've done it plenty of times at home, and I'll do it again, I say, I say. My dad is such a foul mouth growing up that my brother told me when he was 10 years old that our dad said the word pussy so much he thought pussy was a vegetable. Cut. Okay, so my dad would say, don't use the Lord's name in vain because he doesn't exist. The Lord Pussy.

Or my dad has a very dark humor. When I was coming home from elementary school, he would answer the front door and he'd be like, I'm sorry, Jacques. Your mom has died. And I'm like in elementary school. And I would start fully crying. And he'd be like, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. And he's like, Valerie, come here. And my mom's like, why is she crying? That's so cruel. My parents used to put um we had like slugs in our backyard and I stepped on one once and it got in between my toes and I was really scared of slugs after that

and so my parents thought it would be funny to collect slugs in cups anytime they found one and put them in my bed as a sick little humor joke and then my mom says oh you make all this gross art what happened to you what happened to you i go you motherfucker you bitch ass this sounds like a similar story but i

like okay my friend or not even my friend my ex-friend this girl's mom was definitely like borderline abusive like she was she she she loved she loved two things white wine and xanax the mom and and so we we would go hang out with the mom even when our friend wasn't there and one time and one time she we were all fucked up and she goes it's me and my friend shelby on the couch and she's like just choosing random music videos on Cox Cable on demand and being like let me show you this and then she puts on

I gotta dance for you guys Mom did this? Yes this mom did this she literally puts on a kid rock like music video or something just hysterical she starts dancing she thinks she's being sexy she lights a virginia slim and then she lets her nipple fall out and she goes whoops

and like nor me or the girl are sexually attracted We don't think that this woman is like sexually you know offending us but we're definitely like. Well you were you were probably like go girl. Yeah. Go girl. We were like whatever. Yeah. This is an older mother giving like 15 and 16

year olds glasses of white wine with X. And she was giving you the performance of a goddamn lifetime. What else would you expect. Well this same year olds glasses of white wine with X. I mean, what else? What else would you expect? Well, this same mom did this thing to her daughter growing up where she had this antique doll that she kept in a china cabinet and the

antique doll looked so creepy. It was like porcelain with cracks in it. Like it definitely looked like it was possessed by a spirit and like cracks in it like it definitely looked like it was possessed by a spirit and like determined to kill her so throughout growing up the mom would like just throw the baby doll no or like plant it in certain places and and the mom built up this mythos about it being haunted and like how it was coming back for her. She rigged it one time where the girl was taking a bath.

No. And she pulled a string, and the antique doll fell into the bathtub, and she could hear her screaming, and the mom was just laughing. I don't believe that for a second. More like porcelain doll in the freaking mall. Okay, I got to go off on this mom

because this person will never hear this. This woman's mom one time at a Grateful Dead show in Houston in the 90s before, or I guess it was the late, when did Jerry die? 95. Never. Early 90s. Never, never never in my heart forever early 90s at the astrodome and this woman took a whole two strips of acid and she went to the astrodome

men's bathroom and drank the water out of the toilet till it was empty i don't believe that for a second doggy style put her damn face in it she and she missed and she missed most of the show because she was having this like toilet moment you know and this is pre or post Jerry Dog This sounds like A made up story by a liar Who should not be trusted I don't believe that For a moment

And here's my question How does a dog actually get any water In them when they're eating doggy style Out of the water bowl They scoop their tongue up. They use their tongue as a scoop. It's like prehensile, like a horse's penis. Are you being

facetious or do you really not believe that? Yes and no. Okay, good. Okay, cool. Because it's pretty easy to believe you take 20 hits of acid and you're at a Grateful Dead concert over the toilet. No. I've been very high on acid. I've never had the urge and desire to like go to the bathroom and suck up all the water out of the toilet.

OK, but how thirsty have you ever been in your life? OK, but I'm always I'm always prepared. And even if I'm not, I know how to fucking handle it. I wouldn't go to the fucking toilet for that. I guess there's only one way to find out really is to go to a Grateful I don't know. I know Grateful Dead isn't around anymore but Fish

or whatever. You can go to John Mayer and Friends. John Mayer and Friends. God that guy is my enemy. That guy is so cool. That guy is so cool. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck so cool. That guy is so cool. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. I am a John Mayer story. Okay, let's have it. Let's have it. He followed me on Instagram, liked all my pictures. Just saying. And so this was right before. Did he try to lay pipe?

Is he trying to lay pipe? Isn't he like a big old misogynist? He looks at a woman behind him in line and it's like damn you got a fat ass broad i really think that's like an actual quote from him i literally think so so he and so i was like oh john mayer he's famous so and this was like while i was volunteering for bernie every day so i messaged him john mayer you should endorse bernie and he responded and he just said seen what does that mean he's leaving you on red but replying that in the worst possible way that is i was literally like okay i guess i'll kill myself jesus christ wait i did play this practical joke where i posted a

screenshot of john mayer me blocking john mayer instagram and i was like this is the last time i put up with this shit i am so tired of him talking like this i when i leak these receipts you people are going to be shocked gagged butged. But I mean, that guy's got it in for himself. You know what's really funny is, okay, I'm having a really, this is a hilarious memory. This is a hilarious memory? This could not be funnier.

It's probably also a lie. All those other memories you've been trying to pass off as the truth. In fourth grade, we had to make a book about our life. It was like a small 10, 20-page book about what our life would be like in the future. We were allowed to use magazines and drawings, collages, as what our life would be like. And I remember distinctly putting John Mayer as me

in the collage and Nora Jones separately as my wife. That would be a pretty nice couple, honestly. I feel like they are a real couple now or they dated at one point or something. Their music is both at Starbucks.

That is true. Nora Jones rocks though and John mayer sucks cocks in hell yeah that's the seeking derangement shirt uh nora jones let's see no never been with john mayer oh never see but isn't that funny that i put i put that in that collage as like and i put my she married her bassist from her this is also so hilarious i as my job i put that i would own a jazz club that was also an art gallery shut the fuck up oh my god get a fucking load of this crap i found my mom found this little book that i wrote when i was in preschool and it said when i want grow up i want to be a cheerleader oh and in a lot of ways and now you have this haircut

and now i have this haircut and everyone thinks i'm queer because i have a queer haircut yeah she's but but you're a cheerleader you know like the movie oh i'm but i'm a cheerleader but i'm a cheerleader that's what i'm but i'm a cheerleader but i're a cheerleader you know like the movie oh but I'm a cheerleader but I'm a cheerleader that's what I say but I'm a cheerleader Natasha Leone you know whatever like a little lesbian this a little bit of lesbian that

a little bit of this a little bit of that what's the first lesbian hang on have you seen Porto of a Lady on Fire you couldn't pay me six hundred dollars to watch that movie I was really bored

and I had three movies on my hard drive it was either that what is that hang on it was either that or

like this like Portuguese art house shit that a friend of mine sent to me okay so it's either that

or a really shitty version like the lesbian version of Call Me By Your okay so it's either that or uh a really shitty version like the lesbian version of call me by your name but it said in like the 1800s because they're trying to like one up uh the homos and it was i shit you not the most boring two and a half hours i could have ever i i'm never getting that time back uh you're not... You couldn't pay me $6,000 to watch a movie that's called... I don't even know what it's about. I don't even care what it's about. Portrait of a Lady

on Fire. Honey, you lost me at the title. Dude, that is exactly how I feel about the movie Avatar. Shut up. No. I'm dead serious. Avatar is fine. I've always had such a gripe with James Cameron. Come on.

You're just being contrarian now. You just want to have something to say. No, I'm being dead serious. You actually kind of like... Jacques is just sad that Avatar isn't real. He has that depression that people got in 2008 after they walked out of the movie theater and they were like, Pandora isn't real. You can't go to Avatar Land.

First of all, everything that people thought. You can't play with your tail. Your tail isn't your penis or whatever. Everyone was ranting and raving. Avatar is the greatest movie I've ever seen. It's got the sci-fi. It's got this. It's the greatest movie I've ever seen! Oh, and it's got this sci-fi. It's got this. It's got that. I mean, come on. Give me a break.

It was nothing that, you know, every other movie had done already. I mean, give me a break. I'm trying to think of a movie that's exactly like Avatar. I just don't want to watch cartoons. It's for babies. I got stuff to do. I agree with that. I re-watched it a couple of weekends ago. Are you hearing this from me? I don't want to watch cartoons. It's for babies. I got stuff to do. I agree with that. Okay, wait. I rewatched it a couple of weekends ago.

Am I really hearing this from you? You won't watch fucking cartoons? You won't watch... What about our Pixar deal? You don't even like... No, I like cartoons. I just don't want to watch a bunch of guys being random. I just want to watch...

That sounds like watching Smosh on youtube and that's that's actually pretty rich coming from you sarah come on sarah you don't like seeing yourself portrayed on the big screen like that it's it's too close to home it's not on your terms exactly who would play What actress would play you In a Movie In a movie or a television series I'm thinking immediately

The girl from Arrested Development Sharon Stone 1993 Sharon Stone That's what it is Who's geek of her powers Who's the cousin that always makes out with Michael Cera and Arrested

Development Oh Alia Shaka yeah is that wrong she's no I think maybe in white face yeah okay wait never mind let me think of someone better than she did Jones so good so go yeah so go yeah yeah i could definitely see have you ever seen heartbreakers the movie no no this is some obscure 1983 direct to vhs it's a 2000 and i want to say three maybe it might have even been the 90s, but I think it's 2000s. Don't insult the lady. She doesn't look like 2003. Look, look, look, look, look, look.

The movie's called Heartbreakers. It's Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt are a mother-daughter con team who Sigourney Weaver marries men, and then Jennifer Love Hewitt makes a pass at them and tries to get them to cheat on her and then gets Sigourney Weaver to catch them in the act and then they sue them for all the divorce money.

Ba-ding! That sounds good. I want Louis Anderson to play me in a movie. And the last person that she scams in the movie, or the first person she scams in the movie is Ray Liotta playing a car chopper. Chop, shop. Was Ray Liotta playing a car chopper. Chop, chop. Was Ray Liotta ever hot?

Gotta get into movies. Yeah. I really have to pee, you guys. Just go pee. We're getting far enough anyway. We can keep recording. Sorry, my thing just died for a second. Sarah has to go pee.

Sarah's going to go pee. No, I mean, we've been going at it for an hour and 30. I think this is a good time to end it. Sarah, can you hold on for like three more minutes while I try to put... Yeah! ...not on this? Okay, sorry, sorry.

If you get a UTI, it's on us. Well, so... We've made so many... decision who who would play sarah in the biopic this is so easy in the lesbian coming of age story of sarah hologram britney murphy yeah bitch yeah okay okay so i'm not so you have to you have to cut up all of her other older movies and then make it into a hologram on set but that's kind of a post thing we'll work that out we'll get that in yeah yeah we'll get the boys industrialized magic on the on the job and uh they'll get and they'll chop it up right quick. They did a good job with

what's her name? With Leah. In the shitty Star Wars movie that they tried to end on. Princess Leah? Princess Leah? That Princess Leah girl by Carrie Fisher? It's 2.30 in the morning. Can you please help me out with the actress's name? Carrie Fisher.

Carrie Fisher. Sorry. Oh my god. I want to play myself in my own biopic but they're doing the Irishman camera to me so I look really good. You look like you're 13. You still look pretty young. Don't kid yourself. How old do I look?

How old do I look? 35. No! Okay, wait. You can choose out of these three directors to direct your biopic. Who do you choose? Steven Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino.

Actually, four people. Quentin Tarantino, James Cameron, or Tim and Eric Heidecker because they're married now. I think Steven Spielberg do Schindler's List yeah of course

I want him to go Schindler's fucking list on my ass you're such a Dawson you are such a Dawson do you even know what that means I just googled this and Woody Allen

did Schindler's List look look look Dawson from Dawson's Creek the show I've been watching Dawson's Creek a lot and he's obsessed with Steven Spielberg in the first three seasons it's his hero he's got like E.T. on his

wall and like I think if you like go to temple at least one time they put a chip under your skull that makes you obsessed with steven spielberg or what do you like or and and hey i want everybody to know that i was a jew growing up on long island and i saw manhattan i go she's how old are they? I've always been team that. I've always been team, she's how old are they? In the movie Manhattan, how was the character dating a young girl too or something? Like 17, right? Yeah, he was doing Seinfeld shit before it was cool.

Dude, Seinfeld is such a punk bitch. He's so cool. I want to be Jerry Seinfeld. Seriously, the thing is, he's done so much good shit or whatever. Like, Seinfeld is great and what all. Jacques, I'm trying to be cool. Stop gripping my style. What's the deal with Jacques?

But what's the deal with 17-year-old pussy? And then he goes to that. Why is it so good? Then he goes to those radical. You put a nickel in there, a dime comes out. Look, look, look. He goes to those radical, like, let's train to kill Palestinian camps. You know what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah. He goes crazy Israel style. Yeah yeah he goes crazy israel style yeah he goes opa israel style he's fucking freak zionist and then imagine if he was if he was a young girl he was the zohan instead of uh fuck jack and jill someone help me he fucks how adam sandler oh my god it is sorry it is. How old was it today, folks? How old was Jerry Seinfeld when he dated the 17 year old?

35. I think 86. Yeah. He was already like, like filming Seinfeld. How could he do that to Jerry Louis Dreyfus? I love,

Jerry Louis Dreyfus is the only character I relate to. Julie Louis. That's perfect. Look, literally, honestly, if Kramer and Elaine had a baby, that's exactly what I would be. Absolutely. And that's who's going to be playing you in your biopic.

Kramer. And then if Kramer and George had a baby that would be you and thank you guys so much for coming on my podcast absolutely so it's been a pleasure having you guys on it thank you very much for having us on Trans Ben

oh my god I had so much fun. I hope I was being funny and hilarious the entire time. We are going to be so funny. Were you going to post this on your Twitter or something? I'm going to maybe post this on my Twitter or something. Eleven mentally ill people with handles called the Diarrhea Factory

will like it. We'll figure this thing out. Okay, well, it'll at least double our audience. We'll figure this thing out. Okay, well, it'll at least double our audience. We love you guys. Mwah! Mwah! They say some people like to tangle.

Some people really do like the brain. Act like little kids forever some of us is all the same hey hey whoa whoa whoa

whoa some of us they say we are lonely From the push and push and shove But around the turn What is your attraction? It's your attraction Some people like to tango but Some people like to

Some people like to tango but Oh no, oh no Oh, no. Thank you. Bye.