Seeking Derangements - SD 64 - Jacques and Amber

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Girl talk in LA intro/// Cascada - Come Back To Me Baby (1980[?]) outro/// The Soul Invaders - The Price Of Love (1969) A note on the audio: Amber had a bit of an audio issue after coming back with some drinks. I tried cleaning up her audio a little in post, and I think it came out listenable, but I should warn you that the second half is not as clear as the first.

Come back to me, baby, please Come back to me, baby, please ¶¶ all right we're sync this isced. Consider this episode in the bag. Yeah, so again, I'm in L.A. I'm perusing around. I had to escape Denver for my normal reasons. Just normal jock reasons for having to get out of town very urgently. My usual mixture of criminal affairs and enemies. You have a state trooper chasing you

across lines. It's kind of like a Rambo situation with that one veteran who's constantly stalking me still and coming for me to kill me. But you've kind of made some peace with veterans recently. Yeah, it's kind of crazy.

I met this one veteran who i just couldn't believe it that he was a veteran i don't know what he did exactly in the military in the army not no less but i mean he was like a hot hot gay just like i don't know like art ho like you wouldn't think there's no way i i i did a guy who actually was like he was like in iraq and then he like had a uh psychotic break and became like schizophrenic and they found him just sort of wandering and they're like okay you get a health discharge and it's like he's like yeah i don't know it's like i've like poured this thought we were gonna get the terrorists and uh then i was like oh god this is terrible yeah but i had another friend who before i moved to new york uh he was like he he his hummer got blown up by like a r.i.e.d so he had like a traumatic brain

injury so he would randomly just get furious for no reason and then the next day be like i'm sorry i got blown up and now my brain doesn't work right but before we left he like uh gave us um hash because it was the only thing that calmed him down and that's why i dab i mean it's basically the same thing. Hash is so good. Oh, it's just like, it's so fun. You can eat hash too, because it's already activated. I never find it anywhere.

You can get it at the dispensaries. Really? They sell it at the dispensaries. It's just like, they just... I've never gone into a dispensary. I only get the delivery thing. Let me just tell you something. The dispensaries here are an outrage against society

they're disgusting went to one once and it's like san francisco has the shit like beat out of la dispensaries like they're they've got the whole thing here it's like they're like a weird apple store and there's always lines and like yeah the lines are insane yeah i i so i went to try to think of it's like mata on the corner of like sunset or something and uh god okay so i walk in and immediately the this older like white 40 year old guy like pointed at i could i could not see it was like look at that fat cow. And there was this woman leaving at the same time who was not overweight at all.

But I was like, Oh my God. I was like, what the fuck? And he was, and he was like, Oh no, no.

And like, he pulls out like a tiny statue of like a fat cow, like a little, like, like, like a pipe in the shape of a fat cow or something. And he was like, no, I would never say that about women. You want to see my daughters?

They're so skinny. So then he proceeds to pull out his phone and show me his two daughters. He's like, look how skinny they are. Okay. That was like 420. So then I get past that freak, the card guy. I'm like, oh, God. I think the people that go to the dispensaries are a different breed than the people.

This is the guy working there. Oh, okay. So this was all, I was just like, and I could see his employee next to him just like putting his face to his head like, oh, God. So I go to buy something in Denver that I would pay literally $12 for each one. They're like, okay, it'll be $85. I'm like, okay, I i can't you know like i will say though that the weed here is insanely strong i've heard good things about denver weed but and i'm sure there's a markup sure there's a markup but like like the stuff you get here is it's to the point where i'm like i actually maybe want some shittier weed

yeah yeah where you just felt i just want some mints yeah i just miss mids i miss just getting like i just want to go on a walk and have a sandwich i don't want to like get like laid out and you know seeing god well i'm doing like you know 15 to 20 dabs a day at a minimum and then i feel like i still feel like measure out that like i i only i've only like two other friends that did dabs and it just seems like not seems difficult to like measure out that's why i like edibles because you can like i want to be exactly this high i want exactly as many milligrams yeah but it seems like dabs could get out of dabs uh have never really gotten out of hand for me it's edibles that will really fuck me up to where i'm uncomfortable

okay so edibles definitely homemade edibles but here you can order something you can get them in like uh in doses of 2.5 if you want so you can get exactly you're like i want to be exactly 7.5 milligrams of wheat so i need like 50 as a minimum and i still think that that's not enough i usually start with 100 okay so i have a few that i got as free samples that i'll just give to you because i love they're too big and i don't want to like have to like slice them up perfectly you're like i can't even cut these uh i'm just like these indiana hands i'm gonna i'm gonna be just way too high so one time i bought a thousand milligram edible from a terminally ill cancer patient in louisiana she died two weeks after um she i didn't really know her it was like a friend of a friend i met i met her from

a friend of mine whose dad was a heroin dealer in new orleans he told me his dad did uh you know odd jobs so we that is not a job well he so we pull up to his house in the middle of the night in new or we drive from Lafayette to New Orleans. The guy I rode with could barely see. He's blind legally, and his glasses are not the proper prescription. He's just swerving across the Atchafalaya Basin, all the way across the Pontchartrain Bridge, just like, I'm like, we're barely going to make it.

Finally, we get to New Orleans in the middle of the night. We drive to a really weird, far far out part of town near Lakeview. And we pull up to this sketchy ass looking house. So my friend knocks on the door and immediately a guy pulls out a shotgun and points it at both of us. And we're like, oh, my God. And guys, I know it's my son. It's my son. So we stay in a room where it's like maybe three or four cots

of just stripper prostitutes. I guess they're not strippers. They're prostitutes. They're prostitutes. They're prostitutes. I mean, they may have stripped, but they're on hard times now and are doing freelance work. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I mean, it was like three cots of prostitutes and then me staying with my friend in a bed next to them like in the same room hey girls yeah like hey we're like like four like no i was like probably 16 years old just just like i can't believe i'm in this situation so we go to bed wake up next morning we have dinner with his dad and his dad just has the weathered face and the frail figure of a like mesothelioma victim right he's been he's been baking he's been he's been slinging heroin and probably doing it for longer than we could imagine and this guy uh has this giant revolver like one of those huge like giant barreled pistols shocking just on the table for the breakfast he orders chinese food

for breakfast i mean i'm not gonna say i haven't thought about that. We've all done. Leftovers, certainly. Well, yeah, but this was. He's like, I want to start the day right. Yeah, it's like 11 o'clock and he's gone and picked up, you know, like $100 worth of Chinese food from Chow Mat. Damn. Like gone all the way to Chow Mat, which is far from where we are. Anyway, so this long story short, he, I he i'm like hey do you know where to get

any like edibles in town he's like i know one woman you can go to her go to her so i go to a hospice ward basically or like a hospice like type living situation and i meet this woman, and she's just like, yeah, I'm going to die, but I owe this guy a favor, so here you go. So I got from her. What favor did she owe him? Was he giving her, I mean, like. Who could possibly know, but so she gave me four things. She gave me the one pill that was straight up weed, THC, a pill of 1,000 milligrams.

Then she gave me something that I have never in my life gotten my hands back on, but it was incredible. Cannibal. So it's like basically prescription THC, slightly modified. It's terrifying. Yeah. It was like, it's like before the huge weed industry blew up and it's only available for like cancer patients.

Right. These pills are, I don't even remember what milligram they were, but they fucked me up. The dad also gave us a hundred proof extra large bottle of Stoli. Oh, Jesus Christ. So we were just destined to fuck up. Yeah. I'm on the streetcar. I'm throwing up on the streetcar.

I threw up on myself. And then I just threw my jacket off of the side of the streetcar. And throwing up on the streetcar i threw up on myself and then i just threw my jacket off of the side of the streetcar and i'm like it's new orleans it's fine and of course they were like you know you gotta get off yeah yeah and that was just like it's not fine it's one bad weekend yeah from childhood it's just uh that's another coming of age story that's a coming of cajun story very nice i'm sure you have something similar to that in indiana um i mean for me like the worst you do dirt bike in there huh dirt bike in there uh all my brothers all had dirt bike yeah yeah like everyone has a dirt bike most of the girls have dirt bikes like i was never that into it i liked horses horses. Oh my God, you're a horse girl?

Yeah. Horse girl and a musician. I feel like I barely know you now. It's a different kind of horse girl though. And when I would move to New York, I would talk about horses, equestrian stuff with girls. They're like, oh yeah, my horse.

And I'm like, yeah, I had a different horse experience than you. We just lived next to a farm and it cost less than a 1992 Ford Tempo to get like a horse and like afford it for 35 bucks a month. And we just walk over and ride the horse. That sounds lovely. It is lovely. But it's that it's very different from the suburban girl horse culture.

Horses are like one of those things that's like in like nature more generally that it's like available to very poor rural people and very rich people and like no one in the middle can afford to write a horse this is a really expensive thing i remember the simpsons episode where homer had homer had to take on like three extra jobs taxi driver and then he was also uh what was he doing he's working at yeah they worked at the Quikie Mart. Yeah. Yeah, it's like if, but if you're just in bumblefuck nowhere, you just like, yeah, there's a huge horse up on blocks in someone's yard. Y'all want to go there? That's what I felt like in Missoula.

There's literally. There are like some luxuries to like rural living that you just, because there's space. Yeah, there's space. It's just so quiet at night you don't hear all this pooping and hollering i mean if you hear like a few gun shots but like you know like but it's not a melee well it's not like what in denver i'm dealing with these guys in front of me are probably all like 20 or younger i think the difference is in the country people are using the guns to kill themselves oh yeah no no no no yeah this is this is like uh probably like i don't even know what's

going on but in front like one night it was 20 gunshots back to four back and forth like in the front yard right in front of our house just going back back and forth. And we're like, God, if this goes to the backyard, we're fucked. Yeah, just stay inside. Well, we stay inside, me and my other roommate, not the gay roller skater, but the girl from Oklahoma. She has a Glock, and she just immediately, when there's gunshots, comes out of her room with the Glock. She turns out all the lights in the house

and stares out of the window like she's ready for the gunshots. You're not room with the Glock she turns out all the lights in the house and stares out of the window like she's ready for you're not gonna see the bullet you don't know what direction it's coming yeah yeah you're not having a SWAT team to send on you you're caught in crossfire when I come out of my room like stone out of my

mind and I'm like here I'm like what the fuck is going on and she's like shh shh shh and I'm like oh my god and then the cops were in our the front of our house all day for the last few days there was some domestic violence going on tragic but the i guess the girl who was like in the situation we'd always seen her and just assumed she was like a tweaker uh when i got back from la you can often be both i'm pretty sure i mean i hope she's in a better situation now but i saw this girl when i got back from la at 9 a.m in the morning in like the yard in between

you know our houses i see her in the backyard and she's on all fours and she's meowing. Not that it makes her any more or less crazy, but the meowing kind of sounded like There was just something so That's alarming. Alarming immediately.

And we had seen her crying outside. That's not also a variation of crazy that you you're used like it's not like tweaker hostile or whatever it's like oh this is a whole new thing oh yeah it's just like you can't even know what is going on i mean in the middle of the night they started doing construction one night i mean over the last few days leading up to this they put all of their personal objects outside in the walkway, blocking the entrance to the back. We live in the alleyway, like we're exposed in the alleyway side. And then they're in the front in the street address. And it's just a mess.

I remember reading this book about this guy whose mother had a psychotic break and about like his childhood. And one of the things he did, like he came downstairs and she had taken everything out of the living room and the front room and set it into the yard and she's like,

I need the moonlight to clean it. Oh, it's, you're talking about running with scissors. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking loved that movie adaptation.

That was a great book too. Yeah, I read the book. I don't know if I saw the movie, but I heard it was good. Fag authors. We like David Sedaris. We love too. Yeah, I read the book. I don't know if I saw the movie, but I heard it was good. Fag authors. We like David Sedaris. We love him.

Not his rich attitudes. That one was Augustine Burroughs. Yeah. I don't even know if he wrote anything after that. Well, okay, so this is the drama that went down with the Running With Scissors. So he was claiming that it was a true story. And, of course, everyone involved was like. It rosh ramon thing though everyone is going to remember something differently exactly oh i don't even know who this rosh shaman is but i wish him the best

yeah yeah uh but it's like oh that's a thing that like it's like kind of a pattern is wanting to like like apparently that's a common thing with like a psychotic break is wanting to clean your things by putting them outside like airing them out or having the you know the moonlight touch them or whatever because you think everything's contaminated i mean i just throw everything in my living room when i'm having a breakdown just so i can get it out of my room i just throw things away i think my room kind of looks like the inside of a goodwill uh outlet bin right you buy everything by the pound yeah but it just looks like it should be a container like a shipping container full of things the mattress is like almost covered in clothes and

like my sheets are barely visible all my clothes are all my clothes are on my uh kitchen table right now yeah i mean this this looks organized dresser so i got i just gotta i gotta put them in there amber someone who would be like oh my god i'm so sorry my house is messy and like you have to understand i lived with felix for so long that now i'm like i want a clean house wasn't felix that messy he's just a man he was straight men can't keep it together so first like i lived with phil and i lived with nick mullen and nick went through a woodworking period where he would be using a saw indoors and so we just had we just had sawdust in our apartment all

the time with felix it was kratom dust so everything was covered in like a green dust all the time i just got his entire character yeah you just said kratom dust he everything was covered in like a green dust all the time i just got his entire character yeah you just said kratom dust he makes a lot of sense now and i completely understand yeah that's that's that is like okay i feel like if he just would have opened as like hey i do kratom i would have been like oh i totally understand you he yeah i don't even know if he's still probably an industry secret does yeah we don't like he if he still... Probably an industry secret. I think he does, yeah. But, like, he did it, like, just daily for a really long time. As long as he's off the H again, where that's all that matters to me. Yeah, I just got to keep those veins clean, baby.

Honestly, I feel like I know more people who do Kratom. I don't think he is at all like this, but... I think gym guys do, because if you get hurt and you don't want to do opioids because it's really addictive terrible he's like a he does a lot of gym he's a weightlifter guy so like i think what is the secret life he is living why he why didn't he lead with being a weightlifter what he's just really interested in you he's interested in other people oh that's so sweet oh but someone said you you were trying to bully him to impress him and i

was like no i mean that to be fair that is the only thing that impresses felix is bullying well i mean then that's then that's why he must love the show i mean that's my sole purpose on that show is basically to be bullied his entire family are bullies uh it's like his older brother is is the nicest one but he's a gay guy so he's a little bit of a bully his older sister is hilarious and just mean and i love her and even his mom is like a is like a funny bully like they're just good at it so i love my family but they're definitely bullies too i don't know have i ever told you about the fake dead sibling my yes and they they like engraved they engraved my eye it was when ipod super when you get them laser engraved and it said thomas jude gonsolin and they scratched out that but still so it was visible and wrote in sharpie jock amazing yeah that's so mean i mean i get i you know i'd be like a family like a holiday

event and i'm like who's this last place set for and they're like it was for tommy and i mean my siblings were mercilessly bullied i think that's any younger sibling gets just bullied yeah i wailed at my little brother they would always tell me that they found me uh in the dumpster behind the pizza hut on pinhook road in lafayette and of course i'm like i mean it makes sense but i was like like calling my mom in my on my sister's cell phone in her cabrio volkswagen and i'm like mom am i adopted or not and my sister is also on the other on the line with my mom at the same time and she's going yes yes yes and my mom was like no no and my dad was the worst of all the bullies of course um i would regularly get home from elementary school and he would meet me at the front door and he would he

got me several times he was like jo, Jock, your mom's dead. Jesus, that's not even a prank. That's just like, that's just child abuse. Yeah. That guy is a rascal. He could say, he, one time he was drunk and he kind of chased my aunt in his car around the cul-de-sac.

Just an old OBGYN rascal.ascal yeah we were leaving the uh holiday party my mom was one of 17 so we were leaving that holiday party and uh he was just trying to scare her so he drove behind her pulled up and was like honking and she's like Jesus Christ. Yeah, well, I mean, I kind of, okay, so, like, tell me about your dad's practice. Is he a private practice OBGYN? Does he work for a public hospital? I have to know this. This is the funniest thing to me. Okay, so he was one of the only doctors in the region that was practicing private that also accepted Medicaid and public health services.

Did he do abortions? Huh? Did he do abortions? I feel like I've asked him if he's done abortions, and maybe he said once or twice. He might not want it getting around. Yeah, I don't know. Who knows?

I mean, my dad is a specialty OB-GYN. It's like if you're pregnant and you have diabetes, you're pregnant and you have this. Yeah, you have dyslampsia. Like, okay, okay. So, I mean, he's, he could be an asshole, but he's incredible at his job as far as being an OBGYN. Knows his way around the bush.

Knows his, dad, he knows his way around the bush. Gives you an old son a few tips. Yeah, I mean, that's very impressive i mean i don't even like think of it like that but it's kind of disturbing to think of like how many women's vaginas my dad has touched i would definitely think about that all the time younger younger women always hit on him and i feel like it's when they find out he's an ob-gyn and he's not like oh okay see like i have such a repellent like when i meet a male ob-gyn and he's not like oh okay see like i have such a repel like when i meet a male ob-gyn i'm like and like that's not fair obviously there are a lot of like totally ethical doctors that just

you know love medicine yeah find the reproductive system very interesting but also there are some freaks out there you know there are some oh i mean i totally the thing is my dad was really known for having absolutely no bedroom humor in his job and so patients preferred that because he would just be very straight like your baby is gonna die if you don't do this now yeah no because that's that is what i want okay so my favorite ob-gyn when i was at uh in indiana it was a planned parent woman and she was this like bulgarian lesbian with the flat top. Perfect person to be doing that instead of a man. Just like lying back her shoulders. And at one point she's like, I noticed your shave.

You don't need to do that. A lot of people think that it's dirty. It's not. I'm like, I just think it's cute. I just think it's a cute haircut. I love that as a comment from a lesbian. You ain't got a shave to be pretty, baby. Yeah, it's like so, it's so like wholesome and feminist.

And it's like, actually, like, I do want, I like that she's out there, you know? I like that she's out there. I'm like, I know, I know it's not. Well, I love an indigo girl, OBGYN. That's a special position. You really feel like you're in capable hands, you know? Does the waiting room play like 10 000 maniacs and like amazing yeah like liz fair all the time yeah i just got that uh record at arc thrift store for a few days ago yeah i heard uh you just found out tracy chapman was a woman this was years ago and i like my

sister has all these people like in her car and she's like shock don't say anything like i heard the story and that's the first thing you like okay elise i promise i won't but you will not believe tracy chasman is a lesbian in fact and not a man i was just like blown away i had no standards of knowing anything about gender or whatever but i was like oh i get it now elise she the fast car it's It makes a lot more sense. It's all about pussy. It's like, oh, I'm funny. Living in a small town. Yeah. My dad's an alcoholic because I'm a lesbian.

It also kind of works for like a Bruce Springsteen. It's like a lesbian Bruce Springsteen song. Like we're in this small town and we want to get out of here, baby. And I'm working at the grocery store as a checkout girl. And it's like, but also just lesbians. It's just the same thing as like a song from Nebraska, but with lesbians. And anyways, she is the black lesbian Bruce Springsteen. I mean, she's incredible.

She's a great music. That song Revolution off the title track. I was like, oh, my God. Just like feeling the music. I had a dream recently that like I was at, oh, my God, just, like, feeling the music. I had a dream recently that, like, I was at a karaoke party with all – it turned into an anxiety dream because all of my dreams now turn into an anxiety dream. But I was at a karaoke, like, bar party thing with, like, everyone,

as in, like, one of my, like, elementary school teachers was there that I've, like, never seen since. And it was, like, one of these, you know, you know this is her life Amber and everyone was singing things and I sang um uh I sang uh Closer I Am to Fine with my friend the the Indigo Girls song the one that everyone knows yeah I think they played on boys on the side yeah yeah with a friend of mine and then it was like i like in the dream it was like this very a male straight friend of mine and like and like in my dream this is like a very nice moment and then it all went to chaos because like i had like the the anxiety dream of like the words disappeared for the next song on the screen and i didn't know them and everyone's like you're a

fucking failure you're doomed and then i woke up and I'm like yep that's about my head space right now now with the medication I'm on and the amount of dabs that I inject into myself every day I don't dream maybe once a month I I've been really fucked up lately

so I've been like my sleep has been fucked up so I remember every single one of my dreams, and guess what? They are all bad. Yeah, I see that. I can never get back to that state. That's why they put me on Ambien.

I do not want to know that. They put me on whatever medicine it takes. Wait, but Ambien, doesn't Ambien give you weird dreams, or do you just not remember them? Okay, it can give you weird dreams, but usually you just don't have dreams when you're on it. I've had weird situations. I mean, if you stay up on it, there's no telling what will no my friend was telling he's like let's do ambient and then stay

up he's like if you make it through the part where you nod off it's a really fun high and i'm like first of all i don't know if i'm physically capable of doing that second of all we're at the beach it's a really fun it is a really fun high i would do it on the beach the worst time is i would need someone to keep me awake so i yeah i had a situation easy to stay awake during this i took the ambient and i was maybe like 30 minutes into after taking it and i called that like the 30 to the hour period where it first starts to hit you i call the golden hour and i just feel like my life everything looks golden i'm smiling i'm like there's not a care in the world and then i get a message on grinder and it's like hey i'm

in need of this dominatrix sex work job so i'm like okay i'm gonna stay up so it's like okay pretty much a like not as obviously as a sexual but i mean like you know i didn't have to fuck him or right you know there was no like it's a no contact it was er but i mean like you know i didn't have to fuck him or right you know there was no like no contact it was erotic without being a little contact i mean i slapped him across the face or you know no penetrative contact no penetrative contract you know contract there's no penetration contract signed up in this yeah anyway the small front it went on for 12 hours i had oh my god how much did you make for that i made nine hundred dollars that's not terrible it wasn't terrible it was all his bank account he gave me his car keys and all of his credit cards and he said this is the pendant the pendant and

i was like okay first of all not doing this i'm like yeah you're making more work for me yeah you can venmo me um and it was great i mean it was easy i made him clean my entire house do my laundry okay so you got yeah you were compensated oh i mean i got a foot rub i mean it was easy and then i just yelled at him and demeaned him it was like all of my anger i could take out in this one person then he pays me for it i wish i had any you probably, you could find something like that. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's, one, I'm just

averse to anyone getting off visibly on anything I'm doing. Yeah. But, two, it's just, like, I think there's this, like, thing where people are like, Amber's mean and blah, blah, blah. There was, like, a thing for a while on the internet where it was like I want

Amber to crush my balls and I'm like that's so not my bag. Like if it was I'd frankly have an amazing business opportunity. If I was a woman I would literally tell every... It's such good money. It's such good money. No I mean I

love that. I mean I'm sure you get... There's no good money in being a sub as a woman. Oh, of course. That's the thing I was going to say. If I was a woman, I would be a sex worker queen. I feel like I do pretty good already, but there's it's limited with male or a male body. I think maybe you get fewer clients, but they're willing to pay more. Yeah, I kind of just gave up after a while i mean i i literally will only pick up foot jobs in la because i'm just like okay whatever

it's it's is it a feet town here i get i get messages about the feet so i had a my roommate is on a gay app called sniffies are you familiar i am not ready to be scared i'm gonna show you something i'm we're about to hack the web people should i get another beer first yeah yeah do you want one yeah i think i'm gonna drink one let's see if i black out guys i think one will be fine so i'm pulling up this app called sniffiffies to give you a little oversight. First of all, I'm overlooking a very detailed city map of LA. It says my location might be inaccurate. My profile is a picture of my ass in a thong.

And that's like, you know, my headline. I'm like, look, everyone come from ass. That's the good thing about me. So look at this map. You can see how it literally shows my location and then these are all of the people in la with sniffy accounts hosting and then you can see where people are in bathrooms hosting orgies at parks like look right here we're at elysian park uh this place is popular active now 28 guys were here earlier today 19 guys here yesterday 102 guys

I mean this is incredible I mean like you could literally so I was skating in Venice with my roommate and we passed this bathroom

just an unsuspecting just regular outside men's bathroom and he says yeah there's five people in there and they're having an orgy they have the door locked out I'm like wow i just like it's crazy it's just like every single

direction well i mean i'm glad people are having a good time yeah i fucked a real estate agent and then i was like damn this house is so nice well you know like real estate agents in los angeles are all like former porn stars like they're all're all, like, people who, like, had a... I mean, the number of people... There's, like, some comedian made a joke about it where he's like, if you watch enough porn, eventually you will see a girl you beat off

to on a billboard trying to sell you like a, you know, three-bedroom ranch. I mean, that makes sense. You didn't actually want to get out of sex work after a while. Yeah, and also, like, if you're in a situation where you're personable and good at presenting yourself, I think there's probably a lot of parallel sort of social skills. I just don't think my ass can take it anymore, too. You know, when I was younger.

Where and Sarah on the body is real. When I was younger, I could bottom with no lube, the biggest dick. I had no issue. I was like, whatever. I whatever i was like like the pain didn't even nothing i was like whatever this is fine now as a 28 year old i'm like get that thing away from me if you think you're gonna stick that you can barely get the tip and i'm like get out of here poppers or did you just become more you know retentive i'm just my ass is broken my ass is broken i'm repairing it but you know i got i had like bad hemorrhoids and i have all these gastro problems oh yeah i had to thank god it turned around but i was talking to a surgeon because for it was bad for a moment but

now i'm finally healing and i'm just like okay then you gotta go easy on me yeah see at this point i'm like no i i can't fuck it up i mean god i've been fisted before and i'm like this is not you know i don't think also getting fisted once is gonna like completely change the air hole i mean also i don't know that i mean like so axles are different. Yeah. Because vaginas are made of the same stuff as I always knew. I understand this made of the same stuff as the inside of your cheeks and gums. Wow. So like, it's like, if your mouth is full of food, which it is every day,

it's not like you're the, the cells have a memory and they reconstructed the same shape. Cause if they didn't, every time you eat, your face would just be sagging down. Yeah, totally. But in your ass, there's a sphincter muscle that you can damage. So it's not like the same thing where there are like apparently two major walls, like pelvic walls in the vagina. So the tissue repairs itself the way your gums and your cheeks do. And, you know, you've got to do bodyweight squats.

God damn. But your sphincter muscle is like a radial muscle. If it gets jacked up, it takes way longer to repair. I know a counterpart. Actually, I know

dare I say, an arch enemy of mine who had to have some kind of enemies never get out of here you don't you try to trick me um i'll just say that i like i don't know i hope that no one if you know what i'm talking about don't god dear god i can't take any more gay drama but anyway um this arch nemesis of mine um just i don't know how to describe them um do you know when you see someone who has a music career who you completely question the authenticity of them having wanting to be an artist and them just wanting attention slash to fit into the niche scene yeah well i mean there's a venn diagram too a lot of

people who make art just really they they do make art because they want attention sometimes there's sometimes it's not really good i mean a lot of art is terrible awful it should just be burnt from existence yeah yeah they should be uh they should have their this is one of those people yeah literally um but oh sorry i had one of those mini strokes again where i just kind of lost what was there oh we were talking about assholes oh yeah okay so yeah i mean an anal damage okay here's a boston anal horror story not for me personally but from uh an ex's my one of my exes was in a thruple for a few months leading up to dating me and i didn't know this he was just like oh these are my two best friends and then months into us dating was like oh yeah we were in a thruple okay i was like oh god and so of course they were into pup play. Of course. And one of them had this, like, it's really popular with the pup play community,

this butt plugs with, like, a tail that comes out. Okay, yeah. Like, so they just, like, come in bigger sizes. And the guy wasn't ready for it, and he put it in his ass, and now he has a keyhole-shaped ass. It, like, ripped and, like. Oh, see, yes, you can't. It doesn't have the give. But he still fucks like crazy as far as i or he just seems like it this is not my ex by the way who has the busted

asshole in the shape of a keyhole but i mean i wouldn't judge you i mean hey whatever i mean but jesus that's just you really gotta be careful with your ass. Like, I don't. Can I get even more vulgar? Yeah, I think we're already there. Okay, so, um, my roommate's a bit of an ass man, I'll just say. And, like, you know, when he's on these gay dating apps, he's like, I want to see, like, a picture of your asshole. Like, not just your asshole.

The hole. The hole. Because that's, like, you know, the center of his whole thing, you know, thing you know his interest and he's like you gotta watch out for skin tags and so i was like skin tags on the asshole that's the thing it's the thing so i thought oh my god there's that's gotta be so rare and if it if it you know i thought maybe a mole or something but it wouldn't i don't know it couldn't have been that bad so anyway only days only days later, I have a hookup, and I spread his cheeks, and there's like... What I could only describe is what looks like a mini pigtail. Not pigtail pony.

Would he not notice? I think he knows it, maybe, or it's like small enough. Would you go to a dermatologist or a proctologist for that? just get my wood burner out and just you know what yeah well uh nail scissors i honestly for everyone's gonna think i'm disgusting but i use scissors usually cut my toenails and my fingernails i mean they well what kind of i mean there are manicures no just like just regular household system and they come out so sharp but i mean it's just easier that way you know i've always wanted to i've never had one in my life should i do that while i'm in la yeah you should um uh tip and cash uh

yeah make sure it just goes to the girl um it's so weird i actually like don't like i feel weird about people like you don't do massages i do no i i've never never got a massage i don't are you some kind of intimacy freak or something i'm starting to have major intimacy issues i will put that on i i'm literally wearing a necklace that says that yeah i mean i do love getting a gel manicure because it never chips and i've gotten pedicures with my mom because she likes getting them that's a wholesome mother-daughter activity yeah yeah i just sit there and like weird and know that i'm gonna tip the the woman who's doing it a shit ton. And I will say, though, they're so good at it. Yeah, there's so much talent.

They're, like, they understand, like, the shape of everything, where your cuticles are going. It's a mastery. It's a mastered skill. Yeah, yeah. It takes years to get good at that. And it's, once you probably get a pedic a picture you'll never go back. I'm guessing you've never seen the

nail artist based original crime series Claws. Oh, okay. So I love Meecy Nash. I love her. Yeah. Her and Scream Queens. Scream Queens is fucking

terrible. So I love her since Reader, Reader 9-1-1, but there's this show, Getting On, and it's adapted from a British show, and it's about, like, nurses in, like, basically the women's geriatric ward. It's adapted from a British show, and they're both really good, but, like, I saw the, the,

the, the American one first. And it's Laurie Metcalf plays the doctor. Aunt Jackie from Roseanne. Oh my God. She's amazing. She plays like this neurotic uptight. She is literally one of my favorite actors. And Alex Bornstein.

Jackie's the best person in Roseanne. She's amazing. And Nie Bornstein. Jackie's the best person in Roseanne. And Niecy Nash plays the straight woman. It's amazing because she's like this comedic ham and they have her playing the woman who's the only sane person there and she gets the best lines. She's really understated. What movie is this?

It's a show. It's called Getting On. It was on HBO. I think only like five gay men and ten women watched it. It's so good. I'm called Getting On. It was on HBO. I think only like five gay men and ten women watched it. It's so good. I'm going to literally probably watch this tonight. I can't wait. And Niecy Nash, also like they didn't tie her to Cass. They didn't cast her tight, I guess.

Like they didn't, you know. She gets tied to Cass a lot. They have her play this, the only sane person there. It's just's so fucking funny and everyone's so funny and and jackie's a dream no okay so let's talk about my favorite role of aunt jackie scream too okay yeah yeah she's just like incredible when she's going on this ramble she's a billy loomis you're billy loomis's mom miss loomis or you know the big reveal i uh

i was just talking about like all the west grade and screen movies and stuff like that you know it's one of my favorites you can see my tattoo i i i can re-watch scream just the first one like three or four times in one night it is it was so brilliant to have fucking drew barrymore like oh i'm gonna go see a movie about drew barrymore i'm like that bitch is dead six minutes or whatever and it's like nobody saw that coming and she's such a lovable character in that movie she's just she's so cute with her little bob and yeah yeah and also she looks like just like a never before kissed she looks 36 and she's playing like a high schooler all these people do not look like high schoolers i actually prefer that though like i kind of like so i love streaks and gates

oh so i love anything jed apatow does. Girls, love. I only watched the first two seasons. I mean, Lena Dunham was... Lena Dunham is a really good writer. It's just, she was not prepared for the scrutiny.

She didn't know what to do. Just let her write and leave her alone. Well, I think, yeah, we should all leave her alone and she her alone well i think yeah we should all leave her alone and she probably just shouldn't have masturbated with her sister or whatever like whatever she did with her sister that was inappropriate i will say that though like i i read that actual excerpt and as someone who works in daycare the people were freaking out about that i'm like dude you guys have never been around kids yeah i feel like it's i don't know like weirdly sexual yeah i don't i remember when i was younger

this is horrible but i remember like pulling my dick out or one time when i was younger and saying it looked like the head of a fly like kids are so inappropriate yeah that was incredibly inappropriate they don't know what is they're just weird yeah but uh did you work in child care or something yeah i worked in a daycare for like three years yeah that's incredible and then in new york no no that's that's where you get like the nanny no care job i worked in a a voucher daycare. What's a voucher daycare? So it's like they get money directly from social services for kids living below the poverty line. So it was like maybe one-third middle class. A really important job.

Yeah, I mean, it's like one-third maybe middle class. Is that a cat? Meowie? I don't know, maybe. Do you have a cat? I don that's all important. It's like one-third, maybe middle class. Is that a cat? Meowie? I don't know, maybe. Do you have a cat? I don't have a cat. Oh, okay. I'm like...

I'm just hearing children. Yeah, I'm hearing the children in the distance. I'm like, fucking kids, shut up and stop being so happy. Who the fuck do you think you are? No, that's honestly, like, one of the worst things I can see in public is, like, a happy family. I immediately want to spit on them. I'm like, I'm just like, how'd you get here, huh? What's really going on here?

Yeah, there's something dark. You're not a fool anyway. I've seen Dexter before. I know the secrets. What's going on? Let's also speak of Dexter. So I was leaving the lobby earlier and I see a man without his mask on, which disappoints me immediately. But he immediately puts his mask on because he I recognize him and he knows that he makes an expression that he knows me.

It's none other than monk star Tony Shalhoub. I don't know what he is doing in the same hotel as me because this is not any way. It's like a downtown L.A. hotel. as me because this is not any way it's like a downtown LA hotel like it's not shitty enough for him to be like buying a hooker but it's not like nice enough for him to be living he was with a man so if

he's secretly fucking a man but is he a straight he's a gay I don't mean to stipulate this is all possibly a parody I think it's a parody maybe but anyway you might have just seen a Persian guy in Los Angeles

I just want to say this though I immediately looked at this guy and there was this expression on his face like you know who I am I know who you are don't say anything I don't think Tony Shalhoub knew who I was

I was saying I think he knew that I knew who he was because I don't think Tony Shalhoub knew who I was. I was saying, I think he knew that I knew who he was, because I immediately made a face, and he immediately... I mean, let me just say this. It could totally be debunked, and I still think I saw Denise Richards' husband in Silver Lake last time I was here.

Yeah, no, Denise Richards' husband is a good site. That guy is that that guy is that guy is fucking crazy and i saw um the national walking down sunset or something you never see anyone and then every once in a while i'll be out with someone and they'll be like that's so and so and i'm like oh and it's like I must walk by people all the time and just be oblivious you're not invested in pop culture you're not even like no I do I think

I just have like face blindness like that Mula Shonovich movie where she can't remember the face of her killer because she has face blindness or I definitely had people too where I've met someone and I've been like I'm thinking I know them from something

personal like i met them at a party and i'm trying i have to be like oh hey you hey you it's like no they're on a tv show and i'm like oh thank god because like i just but like i don't remember even if i watch the show i don't remember them from the show i just know that i know their face and i in my head i'm like oh i must have met this person before and now i'm being rude because i don't know it's like no he's from the tv so that's how i felt as a child looking at um i was on the set at evangeline downs which was a racetrack in louisiana for the set of the movie the dreamer a horse movie maybe it was a dis horse movie. It was a horse movie nonetheless with Dakota Fanning.

And then I can't remember his name, but I feel like he played a retarded person in this movie, a mentally retarded person. I can't remember his name. Kurt Russell also is in this movie. So we're on

set and there's this moment where Kurt Russell takes off his wig. Oh! And it was just shocking. Again, I saw him. I'm like, I know who that is, but I don't know who that is. But I'm like, why is this famous man taking his head of hair off? Then I watched Dakota Fanning spit on her personal assistant and slap her in the face young child she was like six seven like a really young age how old were you

are you sure it wasn't her like body double no it was i mean 35 year old uh stunt double with 35 year old stunt double morphism smoking a. No, it was really 100% her. Like, 100% her on the sidelines. I don't know how we got there. I think it was one of my mom's friends. And then, hilarious, while they were trying to film, Nutria Rats ran on the track or something. Because this is a closed-down track at this point.

Yeah, and Nutria are wild. Yeah, do you know what a Nutria Rat looks like? Oh, yeah, no, I don't. In Indiana? or something because this is a closed down track at this point yeah and you share a wild yeah do you know what a new tree rat looks like oh yeah no i don't they're in the indiana they don't but i've seen they're not but i've seen them i've seen them in louisiana so they have those just those giant like yeah cheat like i kind of like them they kind of remind me of happy bearer they're very cute i will say though when i fell into a duck pond in lafayette louisiana gerard park and um one of them nibbled at my leg i lost my shit i was running out of that i mean if my foot touched something slimy in dark water i mean i'm sure that there's years of repercussions for me

falling in this pond the uh A lot of the duck population there died at one point because they shit so much in one year that the entire pond filled up with shit to the point where half of them died because it was just so much shit. There was too many people

going to the park and feeding them. And they all just literally like their shit fucked up the ecosystem. Yeah, because they have to eat, like, little plants and things that grow on the top. So if you don't... I don't know if you know this about me, but I kind of fucking hate ducks. You hate ducks? I don't hate ducks.

I hate geese. Okay, geese are also my enemy, but ducks is a more personal thing. Really? In Missoula, my roommates had three ducks. But ducks is a more personal thing. Really? In Missoula, my roommates had three ducks. And before I moved there, they were like, okay, I don't want any pets.

I'm sorry. They were like a little duckling. No. They were fuzzy. I mean, they were like, oh, they were cute. But, you know, like, I move in and they're like, oh, by the way, there's going to be three ducklings living in our kitchen for three weeks until I'm like, oh, no, this is too much. In the kitchen. Well, near the closest to the kitchen in the other room, but close enough that I was like, oh, God, I can't do this. It's a lot.

Yeah, it was a little too much for me. But I, you know, they move into the backyard and I'm like, okay, this can't be that bad. They just destroyed the fucking backyard feathers and shit all everywhere. Yeah, they're not supposed to be in a yard. Like there's a reason why there's like a duck pen where there's like a gross area and they walk around. Well, they had my roommate built a duck pen that was nice, but it got covered in shit. And then the snow came and it just froze the shit solid, like a layer of shit. It was gross.

These ducks are very, these people did. I mean, they're, they're just okay with the frozen shit. I mean, yeah, they were fine. Like the ducks are fine. They're there. These people love these ducks. They take care of them. They're good gays sure but but to be like i don't want frozen shit in the i think they

probably cleaned it since then let's hope but anyway chickens you have to clean it constantly because chicken shit is the worst so my uh uncle and an uncle who like had a chicken front that eventually was just bought out by KFC. Do you know KFC like just like as a monopoly on like American chickens? No, I didn't. I mean, I could imagine.

Literally the KFC corporation like bought like this like small family farm. I'm a Popeye's girls myself, so I don't even. I like Jollibee, which is like the Filipino mix. I've never had it. Let's get. We should get some.

Yeah. Very good. And they do. They do do um so instead of like mashed potatoes they do rice but with gravy it's really good i've been wanting to try the spaghetti i mean patrick was going off about the spaghetti we've got any dogs um but when you would go over the hill this was in north georgia so when you would go like over the i guess it's not now so beautiful get to the part where the coop was though knocked back by the smell of chicken shit it's awful smelling it's it's like cleaner it's like ammonia it's like it's like a weird chemical cleaner and it's just like your eyes are watering and it's

just like it's the worst smell my thing is that it's just too dirty i'm not like i like pets i love animals but i don't want to have them i don't want to live with them you know and my cat dying was my like all right that's the end of this chapter gonna move to los angeles but now you're getting a dog yeah i'm getting a dog i'm getting in touch with my white trash roots i'm gonna get a big old hole what did your cat die of like overdose or something um yeah she's it was really tragic like she started out just on regular opioids and then she was like shooting up and then fentanyl and then she was super super fucking oh do you know about this wait do you know what ben was my cat sitter oh okay i'm ready shit on ben everybody welcome from this portion that's

on ben so um i left like i'm like maybe i'll move to la i'm gonna scope it out i'm gonna see that's what i'm doing kind of right now secretly everyone yeah you gotta do a little scatting so i'm like thank you cast it for me um you know keeping an eye on little phyllis who's my like little angel and uh and he did and uh i get like a thing where he's like phyllis isn't really eating the message like maybe four or five or five days in, and I'm like, huh. I'm like, well, she doesn't like certain foods. She's picky. She's a bitch. And I'm like, you know, she might also be, like, weird

because she is kind of like a one-person cat, which usually cats are really, you know. And then the next day, he's like, Phyllis is really groggy. And I'm like, okay, will you call the vet? And then he calls the vet, and she, like, made it, like, an appointment or something. And then I'm like okay we called that and then called the vet and she like made it like a appointment or something and then i'm like okay i'm like looking at i flew back literally a day

early just to deal with just to deal with that and like what he i said just take her to the emergency bed so he took her to the emergency bed and then i flew back this is during corona too and then i had to go to the i had to be in like an antechamber and covered in like scrubs and like the washing thing was like there was like a giant spray of sanitizer over you she's just gone she was dead immediately she wasn't even dead she was immobile like it happened over the course of like 48 hours so what what was the cause um it was uh rapid kidney failure oh um which is like the thing that's a common thing for cats right yeah and like i was like i want to take her home to do in euthanasia because i want to die at home and cats hate being anywhere so i like took like I, like, took, like, literally, I flew in, JFK, took the cab to the

emergency bed, brought her back, scheduled in-home use in Asia for six hours later. She, like, can't stand up. She can't, like, lift her head. And, like, I, I mean, I was, like, heartbroken, because she wasn't even sick at all.

How old was she? How old do you have her? So, I didn't you know because i adopted her i had her for at least 11 years um but and i'm like i think she's like four or five and then like look at her and they're like no she's much older than that she had a long healthy life and and and all the stuff and but i was like at the end like after i got over like the devastation weeping for my fucking ancient cat who lived way longer than me anyway but i was like, at the end, like, after I got over, like, the devastation, weeping for my fucking ancient cat, who lived way longer than me, the cat's gonna live anyway.

But I'm like, no, she should be as old as me. I was like, when is it appropriate to go to Ben and be like, so I guess she took my fucking cat. And then I was talking to her friend, to her friend Glenn, and I'm like, okay, I just, I know how badly he feels about this. And it's a total freak thing.

He didn't do anything wrong. He's just like a, he took great care of her and he took her straight to the emergency vet. But I just had this fantasy of being like, okay, we need to talk about how he killed my fucking cat. And he's like, no. Ben like met me and he was like crying. He's like, no. Ben met me and he was

crying. He's like, everyone got dead and I was taking care of her. I was taking care of her, but it was like... Do you want to hear the backstory? Do you want to hear what he told me? Well, he was having a hookup at your house and he spilled the lube

and the cat ate the lube. That was what caused the kidney failure. I'm throwing Ben under the bus for being a secret bottom. And then also for neglecting a cat's life. Yeah. My beautiful, perfect cat. I miss her every day. What was her name?

Little Sunshine. Oh yeah. Little Phyllis. Yeah. But yeah, it was like the most most he felt like that's like the worst case scenario like that i would just commit suicide if i was like responsible and then they just got sick and died and i'm like i know i didn't do anything but now i need to tell myself so i have so so he's a sweetheart i know all the jokes aside he you know he's like amazing

yeah he loves animals actually a really lot. He's really good with animals, surprisingly. Way more than people. But yeah, he's way better with animals than people. I can't have him over because he'll kill my pit bulls. Oh my. Actually, no, Latinos love pit bulls, so he'll be good. Yeah, no, no, he won't.

I think he likes dogs more than cats anyway which is weird that almost sounds like you're calling him a sissy i mean i think the most effeminate thing about him is um the like alb no thing. Also, this is curly hair just screams fag. He's not that pale. There's a paler. The curly hair is like his trademark and the mustache. Also, though, does honestly

kind of look I could see him straight passing more than a lot of gay people. He could if he didn't mess up his eyebrows or something stop wearing mascara do you know about the time that he got his eyebrows messed up no way he was pissed i mean he called me he's like jock i cannot believe what they've

done to me this is when we're living together he wanted to like get a cheaper haircut or something so he scheduled for it and this guy just fucked his hair up he just did it way too thin he gave him the ugliest fade and then without saying anything he went straight to ben's eyebrows and and he gave him the like the like the comb around like that kind of like he trimmed them down so i think ben has beautiful eyebrows yeah he doesn't away away and it i mean look what they have done to me and ben wants to slam me act like i'm i'm the the customer karen but literally he went back to that store he was like no i want a refund and then they fired the guy in front of him oh my god! Ben Karen to someone? Ben, I need to speak to your manager. Ben, this is me throwing you under the bus. He's too busy.

That and a cat. Yeah, literally, he murders animals and he can't even make it to a little recording with his two old best friends, Ambular and Jockey. Do you relate to Amber from Cluelessess I think I always related

oh yeah I love it I love if you're seeing Brittany Murphy in freeway with Reese Witherspoon yeah that is like one of the most incredible movies Oliver Stone is canceled but that but that is a peak. Everyone's canceled. He's gone. What's going on with your fucking neighbor kids? They need to be euthanized. Speaking of, you should call an at-home euthanasia service

to show up for them. They just walk through here. I think there's a park nearby, but it's like, I just have run old people, but then these families walk through here. I think there's a park nearby. But it's like, I just live around old people. But then these families walk through. And I'm like, where do you guys live?

Because I'm surrounded by, like, retirees. Look, if it's on the steep sidewalk parts of your neighborhood, what you should do is just put olive oil or some kind of oil on the ground. Well, a lot of times they get skateboarded around here's even better just knock them down yeah yeah they just brought a leg i'll tell you my most iconic thing i always want to bring like a bag of marbles to the roller rink and just let them go yeah it's very i just watch the world burn. When I was, like, at my only incel moment, I would say, when I was really lonely and didn't have any romance in my life, I would go to the roller rink, and there would be couples holding hands,

and I would, like, really swiftly, like, cut them off and make them fall over. Yeah. And I was like, that's what you get for being in love. Yeah, how dare you. How dare you. I'm honestly disgusted when i see people on instagram posting about their love and their in their relationship i'm not on instagram i mean you're doing it right if you can have if you can do this job without having an instagram i don't know that i can i

don't know that i'm doing a good job because it's just like you don't like uh really keep up with the world this is also like a not on not on the podcast so i can finish my book edits but it's also like when i do like list it in like i should see what the podcast i'm on is doing and i'm like i have no idea what any of you are talking about like they're just departing further and further from like my known world and i'm like i just read like the newspaper and i can't because it's all like internet stuff well that's every max and ben and sometimes they're talking they're going off they're like shapiro this they're like it's that i'm like i didn't even i didn't even know there's an issue you know there's that they had to explain to me what the contras were you know like i didn't even know that's an issue. You know, there's that they had to explain to me what the contras were, you know,

like, I didn't know. I mean, yeah. I mean, like basically I've just, I've obviously learned a lot on this podcast, but I mean, again,

I just don't value furthering my education right now in my life in any way. I mean, like I'm happy when I learn. I do broad strokes. like i i don't want to sound like an out of touch asshole i mean i i'm still all for all the good shit jobs investments uh spending and i have no idea what's going on the internet though i don't want to pay attention it's all dog coin coin crashing this, and it's all Elon Musk on SNL. All this speculation stuff.

You're all idiots. You're all. I'm not fucking with cryptocurrency. I'm not getting lost in that. I don't even fuck with investments outside of life. I don't invest in anything. I don't believe it. It's a sin to make money off your money.

Wow. Is that a Bible thing? It is, yeah. What is that? John 316 or something? Yeah, that's awesome. Damn, austin also the city if you're listening right now you're from austin texas i don't like cities like that i don't like portland i don't know what i did like seattle because it was like portland but full of ugly people that don't like things oh okay so that

sounds incredible portland sounds like... It was like... Seattle was like, you got there and everyone was like fatter and sloppier. And like nothing was cute, but there was still like beautiful timber everywhere. There's still like good food. I think the food's better in Seattle. I mean, there's a lot more like... They have their own like burger chain. I forget what it's called.

I feel like some of the best... Top burger. And I'm a big burger. burger, and I'm a big burger big burger fan. Or Jollibee's. Or Jollibee's. I would really love to. Have you been In-N-Out? Yeah, but I'm not impressed at all.

I like In-N-Out, but I'm like, this is as good as Five Guys. Yeah, I mean. It's okay. I don't know. I'll try to remember what they are, but it's like a small local chain, and I'm like, this is one of the best burgers I've ever... It's just greasy, too.

It's just like... Do you ever make it to Louisiana? Huh? Do you ever make it to Louisiana? Sometimes, yeah. Do you ever have a burger in Louisiana? There's this place in town that's been open for over 60 or 70 years called Judy Sin in Lafayette, Louisiana louisiana oh my god it's rumored that

they just have never cleaned the grill so it tastes just like incredible it's like this everlasting yeah a thousand burgers and it's like a super conservative crowd that honestly goes there but everyone goes to get burgers all the little freak hippies in town go get burgers from there i mean it's like just the best no clean hands in a 30 325 or like 425 for a really good quality burger but this is the deal they don't serve french fries they don't put mayonnaise on their burgers you um they have a sauce that is made with some type of ketchup. I think it's ketchup Worcestershire sauce, onion powder, but they don't tell you the ingredients. And this is how secretive they are about the sauce. So you have to use the sauce in front of them.

If you ask to use sauce, they don't. Oh, so they're fashion. Yeah, so they're fashion. So you can't take a to-go container of the sauce. Oh, okay. So they're afraid you're going to take it to go container of the sauce oh okay you they're afraid you're gonna take it to a lab and analyze it who knows but they they they're like if you want it on the burger you can ask us or you can put it on yourself but we need to see you use the bottle my friends have spent years trying to steal these bottles they've gotten away with it sometimes yeah

yeah it's impossible now security's too tight yeah they're onto them this is definitely like your living room is the size of the place pretty much yeah so like i mean i mean my thing about burgers is that like one i hate the foodie burgers too thick and they do it just so it looks like a big meatball so for plating reasons like no if you want more meat, do more thin patties. Yeah, it tastes way better with the thin patties. I love a McDonald's burger. They perfected it. Oh, literally.

They figured it out. I love sugar. I'm such a little fat fuck. I just need every meal to have an excess of sugar. That's why I love McDonald's. The McDonald's fries are sugar. I'm assuming Jollibee has a sugary kind of fast foodness yeah they do but okay do you know about the spaghetti uh i haven't had the spaghetti yet

i just got the chicken randomly because it was like a thing and um because it was just like i was driving home and i'm like okay this is a drive-thru and i'm like i thought they were serving mashed potatoes but it was rice with gravy on it and it's the it's kind of the you know it's some packet gravy or whatever it's like so good and then you can put the gravy on the fried chicken too and so it's kind of like chicken fried steak oh i want i want all of that it's so delicious i have all these left. Okay, one thing I'll warn you. Let me tell you something. When you ask for a Coke at a restaurant and they say, oh, we have Pepsi. Is that okay? Of course it is not fucking

okay. I don't want 32 or whatever flavors. You might as well just have said, is this okay? No. Pepsi is so gross. People don't know this people don't know this it's it's a it's a caramel cola based soda that also has notes of citrus which sounds disgusting it's disgusting i don't even think like like i like rc like i like rc's like a classic real i'm not like you know coke or death but pepsi is just trash

yeah it's garbage no wonder lana del rey's pussy tastes like that shit i'm serious it's true yeah you know it also tastes like rc i mean honestly her pussy tastes like cop cum is she still dating that guy no she broke up with them but but I bet she still fucks him on the side, parody. I kind of like that she just dates guys. It's kind of a Julia Roberts thing where she just married a man. Did she marry that really racist

biker guy? Or that's Sandra Bullock. That's Sandra Bullock, yeah. What was his name? Jesse James? I think so. I think he was one of these many men that claims to be a descendant? Jesse James? I think so. I think he was one of these people, one of these many, many men that claims to be a descendant of Jesse James. So he's like the Orange County Choppers guy or something like that?

He's some kind of motorcycle guy. I don't know. My dad was a biker, so he did all those guys because he thinks that they're like all, he's like, they just make luxury bikes for dentists. His daughter is a mutual friend from Austin. Really?

What's she like? I mean, she seems really nice and really sweet and cool. Probably a very nice upper middle class upper. She, yeah, I think it was fine. I hope that she doesn't hear this or something, but she was really nice. I just remember. I don't even know if I should say it. Say it now.

Say it now. You got to say it.'s really now okay um this awful oh god i'm just really max you're gonna have to just delete this one part this part cannot make it oh my god um basically the story i remember is that basically someone uh took a picture of her as a teen smoking meth she they this person okay well i think we're talking about like 1914 i think i would say 14 between 16 i think i Yeah, yeah. Young. I didn't even go through puberty until I was 18. These Austin kids who are all liberal parents or liberal or rich parents, they all go to these kind of like, we're creative, we respect your spirit kind of school.

Yeah, you got a giraffe and spelling. Yeah, and they're a train bullshit. Well, anyway, they all go to this school. And, I mean, I just remember hearing about all the hard drugs they would do. And I'm like, I get it, rich parents. Also, like the hippie parents, like every person I know who grew up and had hippie parents is the most insecure, nervous, neurotic person. And my mom was like, I don't know, she was like liberal in the sense that she was like

kind of a ball-busting feminist. And that she, and that like, I remember her her once saying uh amber never date a man who doesn't like cats because he's probably misogynist and i'm like i'm nine but she was that kind of rigid and like you know don't get pregnant don't get pregnant but like it like it was still like rigid and structured i feel like that gave me like a basic like framework and the kids i knew who had parents who like i just just be free just experiment yes you can you know uh you can fuck your boyfriend on probation uh you know in the basement i just want you to know that you're doing it here where i can observe you and it's like i also fucked my boyfriend on probation in someone's basement but my mom didn't know about it because

you at least have the state of mind to be able to hide it from your parents that is good for a kid having your parent accept your uh your bad behavior not good for you you should violate your parents you should break the rules. They should be rules, so you can break them. This is growing up. You learn to break the rules, and then you learn how to find a line, you cross it, and you're like, oh, maybe that one was too bad.

So this is the moral of the story, or not the moral of the story, but the point of the story is that this famous guy's daughter was a target that she didn't even know for being sold not into slave sex slavery at all but having this image of her taken of her while she's doing meth sold to tmz so this person i know that's i actually think it should be illegal to publish pictures of minor not even not even i think like you should not be able to publish pictures yeah

like if i was a famous person i would kill them making an instagram just for children okay so i him and nambla i guessambla? It's like a pedophile organization. Oh, yeah. I mean... Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Oscar Wilde. Yeah. But, like... I was watching Hannibal last night.

Was it good? Yeah, it was incredible. I didn't love anything with Julianna Moran. And I'm watching Hannibal. I don't remember Silence of the Lambs. I love him. I don't remember this character. There's this character that's like a mutilated-faced man who is like a pedophile, basically.

Yeah, I didn't like that. But he gets immunity because he testifies against Hannibal Lecter. Oh, big deal. And he's like, just does all these gross, creepy things. And anyway, I just don't know why like i should have gone to bed at like i got home at like one or two and i really like i needed sleep and i watched two movies last night i watched the movie i've never seen a movie with such a a i or aapi hate oh i don't know why they're lumping into the island i don't know why tongans are related to like a time when he's i don't like this framework it's like

it's like i don't know just say like not asians is what you mean but like i don't know why i think a lot of like psc people don't want to be called bipod because it's too big of a i think there's like 12 people online who use it like and like latinx there are like 12 people online that use it like they so it's just so it's like it's trying to be so sensitive to the point where it's offensive. Yeah, it was also, like, Latinx, it was like, how do you pronounce it? And it's like, well, it was never meant to be pronounced because it was made on the internet and not for people

to actually use and talk and speak about. It's literally just a secret typing language. Whatever. Yeah, no, it's a A-P-I thing. it's just a weird lump like there are a lot of like japanese people in like hawaii but like that's a weird ethnic grouping so let me break

it down with this movie so it's a 2000 movie starring wesley snipes and he has in a meat lead asian counterpart character. I started the movie probably halfway through. He's like an otaku. He's a black guy who's into Asian stuff. He likes swords and stuff. He was in Blade. I mean, that whole thing.

Yeah, yeah. I had love with. So Art of War was pretty crazy from the get-go. There's an explosion scene immediately. Okay, Wesley Snipes, basically a few minutes into this, he's got this Asian woman counterpart who is on the run or something, but he has to keep her. He is maybe like an ex-FBI or CIA agent on the run.

And what year was this? 2000. So there's a scene where he sends the girl into the diner to make a phone call, distract her or something. And then an assailant comes in and tries to leave a bomb in the store. And so Wesley's like, to kill her. She's a target. So Wesley's like, okay, what should I do? So he drives his car through the entrance of the diner into the diner.

And he almost hits every patron, including the girl. I mean, it's just fucked up. It's an old action movie thing where it's like, I'm going to burn down a city to protect us from that. Yeah. So he grabs the bomb and then puts the bomb underneath the gas pedal and then pushes it down or like sets it in reverse. And the car slings out of the diner and explode and he goes down

everyone and then like that probably has like a deep freeze fridge that would have been like just thrown in there yeah it was so stupid well anyway it's not as good as his performance let me bring up about the extreme. There was a whole plot line element about Asian racism in the US. It was like an anti-Chinese US spy film, basically. In 2000? Yes. That's early.

That's early on that bit. So I was shocked because, I mean, there's this evil female American woman character who's just going on this long rant at one point about how you Chinese people have done this and that and I'm like oh my god why is TNT deciding

to like play this now on TV? Yeah I haven't even heard of this one maybe they're like let's dust this off I mean really honestly I feel like you should watch any 90s or early 2000s movie and completely like racially critique it because there's just so much to well it was after 1992 we we didn't have the soviet union anymore so they were like fuck how do we who's the bad guy

like it's not going to be russians because they're not in the Soviet Union. They're just, you know, the wall has collapsed. They tried South Africans, like, in, you know, like they tried to sort of invoke the apartheid thing. See, I don't even know what this apartheid is. Oh, that's right. You can never know. I don't even know what it is, and I want to know, but I don't. Okay, well, you know what Jim Crow is?

Yeah. Okay, well, in South Africa, there was something like that, but a thousand times weirder because it was run by Dutch people, colonized the country. That makes sense. Dutch people are incredibly racist. They're terrifying. Yeah.

They're really tall and terrifying. My Belgian Dutch uncle, or like he's belgian flemish dutch something like that he was like you know the belgian people we don't we don't we we reuse our used condoms for chewing gum it's like what the fuck that's not even a good self-deprecating like ethnic joke like also no one knows who you are so who gives a i mean i guess i kind of give a fuck about belgium but also it's just I give a fuck because of my godmother but mannequin piss too that statue

you know what a mannequin piss is? it's like the famous statue in Belgium of a boy pissing and it's a fountain that just continually goes I've seen like yeah they sell these corkscrews where the dick is the corkscrews where the dick is his the course is i mean it's like

like a bottle openers that are like these ornately painted wooden like folk art phallus and they're like weirdly like pretty and stuff and i'm like what is going on in greece though and he's like it's he's like we've like literally never stopped being like this since antiquity like we're just really like phallocentric people i would love to go to greece what looks gorgeous. Yeah, and there's all sorts of, like, little islands. You can go to different places and have different kind of stuff. And, like, the food is apparently insane. Isn't it Mykonos in Greece, or am I stupid? Yeah, Mykonos in Greece.

Yeah. Okay, okay. I thought there's also just, like, more, like, tourist. Like, I want to see Sainte-Marie. That's the place with, like, the blue, you know, when you see the pictures of, like, white buildings with, like, a bright blue. Oh, like, Sisterhood of the Traveling P yes when rory gilmore's character yeah goes to fucking greece yeah i believe that was the um

no uh oh yeah she is in that yeah what's wrong with america for her no uh she interacted with a friend. You interacted with her personally. No, she interacted with a friend of mine, and it was over political... She was a big Hillary fan. Oh, yeah, we can. And I also think, like, she got, like, a lot of credit for being an underdog when she wasn't

because of, like, Ugly Betty. And it's like, that girl is pretty. Like, she's fucking beautiful. She's gorgeous. Yeah, it's like, why, like why like i'm not to be all you're stealing ugly girl valor or whatever but it's like people like yeah she's a tough little scrapper it's like no that's a gorgeous girl who put on fake glasses let's just think she's probably got an air to her just because she's been typecast as the ugly one, you know? Yeah. Her literal theme song was,

Hey, big girl, you're beautiful. Hey, big girl, you're beautiful. No, I don't think. You're like, literally, this would just, like, walk around anywhere, would just be like, that's such a hot girl, but, like, on TV with, like, flat iron bangs. It's like, anyway.

She was a big Hillary, Hillary stan. No fat person wants to be told that they look beautiful because they're fat yeah like or say like you know like people can tell me i'm hot but if if someone i'm sleeping with'm not your daddy get over yourself probably close to your mommy okay well yeah i only get an hour 23 this is perfect look everyone we wish you a merry los angeles greetings from the city of angels and me and paul just us we two angels. The rest of them devils. The whole town. We'll talk to y'all later. Go ahead and check out SeekingDurangements.com

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