Seeking Derangements - SD 72 - God's Rowdy Children feat. Pendejo Time

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

@jakebrodes from Pendejo Time joins us to talk about ten-gallon-hat chicanos, unruly airport children, and why so many cringey people online love pretending to be from former Yugoslavian countries. Thomas (@len0killer) joins us for a few minutes despite some serious network trouble. You can get more Pendejo Time at https://www.patreon.com/pendejotime intro/// Dyson's Faces - What You Gonna Say Today (1976) outro/// 4th Coming - We Got Love (1969)

Music i start on audacity they said and finally we had jake rhodes hey what's popping uh to answer your questions jock i uh thought i had an apartment in austin i actually got an email like right before this and they were like, your apartment wasn't approved by the city because it's all fucked up. So sorry. And we don't know when it's going to be ready. And so now I'm like, ah, sick.

So I should just suck my own dick and die. Like that's, I mean, that's pretty faggy. Obviously it sounds like you had plans to go to Austin and, you know, I'm sorry that you lost your apartment but um you just got saved um austin is a shithole where i lived there for 10 years

oh well then yeah yeah drake already had a a cushy job working as a human wi-fi access point yeah it's south by southwest oh damn yeah i went to that once what a mess I swear to god you know I'm from Louisiana so naturally I've been to New Orleans a lot and New Orleans has a constant river of piss like really in the French Quarter particularly but almost everywhere in town and there's nothing like South by Southwest because everyone in that small area runs to the alleyway and pisses in the alleyway and to the point where it's like it almost rained piss exclusively in the alleyway yeah there's a it's not uncommon to like walk because i've my band i've done stand up for south by and there was one year where i was leaving a club and there was like six

like how do I say like sorority zeta type like stupid hat fucking like you know the scarf hat shit and they have a Hogwarts tattoo yeah they all had their miss me jeans around

their fucking knees pissing in a line like a horse trough and I'm like Yeah, they all had their Miss Me jeans around their fucking knees, pissing in a line like a horse trough. And I'm like, hey, girls, what's up? No, just kidding. Are you approaching 20 pissing sorority girls in the alleyway? Hey, what are y'all doing? No, I was like, hey, I turned to the guy next to me, the guy that hosted.

I was like, hey, dude, check this out. Because they weren't even trying to hide it. They were just like, hey, I turned to the guy next to me, the guy that hosted. I was like, hey, dude, check this out. Because they weren't even trying to hide it. They were just like, ha, ha, ha. It was night. I guess they thought they were getting away with it. But they were just like, it's like the picture on Twitter with all the girls in the fall gear. And they all like, all the step from wives. But they were just like, pissing and like, yelling at each other.

And I like to think those girls those types they all have like different different outfits but their uggs are all the same color you know honestly honestly just sounds like like a really bad plot line for cruel intentions three it's mostly it's mostly soft core the just that's the shocking scene basic instinct some prequel I imagine Sharon Stone's college days it's actually just a biography Sharon Stone's college days

it's pretty rough finding an apartment here has also been pretty tough because Santander is a really nice town but like only for two or three months of the year what is the name of your the town santander santander is how they uh oh santander now i can i can understand that is how like the

gate agent uh like pronounce it when i was like first moving here you just said the gate agent gate agent gate agent when i checked in at the airport when i was moving here you fucking illiterate i'm not gonna go there you know what you should you should go there because we're gonna need to get these fights out of the way before we have to um me and max are me and max don't know let me finish let me finish let me finish all the apartments here all the apartments here are airbnbs like it if you go on like craigslist or whatever like the equivalent on here and look for an apartment you will not find one for like a stay longer than like two or three weeks because they're all airbnbs unless you're willing to wait

until like september or like october so yeah it's insane i've not really like fucked with airbnbs maybe but only like if my friends had one and i stayed there or like you know whatever i've never really rented one personally is it because you're already banned well no i just hear everyone getting scammed like my friend bought um a place in miami had it ready the owner's son showed up and was like oh sorry yeah you can't go there anymore and uh we can't give you a refund so the owner's son just like met my roommate and just told him hey it's you just can't go there and there's no refund then i heard about my friend's mom my friend's mom lost three thousand dollars and and the company is just like yeah we're not doing anything yeah there's not a lot of recourse and and people like the old 80s 90s horror trope

of like finding cameras and stuff in hotels is like a full-blown reality in airbnbs like people just put shit like in there like they'll have them adjacent to the bathroom but at an angle as such that i was reading about it that like the dark airbnb or whatever and people talking about their horrific experiences and some guy like turned the lights off and was like is that a fucking infrared and the air vent like aimed at the bathroom so like if the door opens or whatever if you like if you're alone and you fucking shit with door open or like come out naked or whatever you'll be seen on camera sure enough it fucking was but uh that's that's that's so depraved okay i have a war

that's that's the chuck berry airbnb i have a worse story i have a worse story that's like i guess it's it's only a little bit similar to a pervert who you know hide secret cameras so there was a so listen to this this is real a guy in boulder colorado hid in a septic tank or in a shit thing in a scuba in a shit thing okay in a in a toilet hid in the toilet while people are shitting for like days and like like breathing cool good for him that sounds dope yeah no he's living his best life what the fuck are you talking about this listen once the poop has left your body that's that's that's all nature man you can do whatever you want. It's the last frontier.

First of all, I'm being born from Texas as well. Poop is a grave job. You can't. You can't. Poop is... That's brazen. Could you imagine actually having the equipment to

be alive in a shit tank. Like, Jesus fucking Christ. Get a grip. Some guys are into a little bit of slap play. Some guys are into a little bit of, you know, piss stuff. Other guys like to live in a shit shack. In a shitter. They live in...

Ten feet below the Earth's surface. Yeah, but how does that make this guy any more perverted than uh like some creep that puts cameras in uh your like airbnb bathrooms i don't i don't think it makes him more perverted maybe i think it's just like you're just like hey this is just another thing that that reminds me of yeah yeah i mean yeah pretty much that's That's kind of tangential. Just like moving... No, no, no. Conversation in a really different, conspicuously different direction.

No, no, no. Listen, listen. Okay, I see you. In both situations, there are perverts who are sexualizing... How is the poop guy a pervert? How is the poop guy a pervert? He is living in

nature okay animals do it people say people call gays perverts and then like you have like liberals being like hey but like there's gay monkeys and there's there's gay whales and shit you know like there's monkeys that love playing with poop it's like the thing people know most like they're famous for playing with poop. Why can't humans play in poop too? That's my libertarian poop argument. This is not a poop. That does not make it a sick fuck, but it doesn't make him a pervert.

There's a difference. That's not my bag. I fucking hate it. You are sick in the brain okay okay look this is what why if you're dugging yourself in that stracciatella but uh why don't you take a pervert if you do that okay well first of all max why don't you light up one of your dorm cigarettes take a take a little a chill pill i mean obviously i think you need a puff on something here take it take a breath back first of all and second the similarities between these two perverts is that they're both masturbating to

people unbeknownst to these people they are like no no no the second one is is jacking off to poop that is falling on him from like the septic tank or from the toilet yeah he's washing them poop how how how how he's got goggles but it doesn't connect to the straight line is it an outhouse like no no no i think it was maybe is it a transparent toilet what the fuck i'll get the details exactly but i've heard this from a reliable source and uh it's a boulder thing i'm gonna ask for the deep jock red like at like you know in the ad section of a porn site or whatever like it's like uh like random shit like this dick pill will have you coming in five seconds no problem hey hey russell caught in your location looking at people can you send me the poop story russell i need the official poop story about the man who hid in the toilet.

It's literally an ad. If you click it, it gives you a virus. Jacques. If you can, let me know. Who the fuck is Russell? Russell is Jacques' other best friend. Yeah, he's one of my best friends. Russell is Jacques' eyes and ears in

Boulder, Colorado. Yeah, and he knows the skivvy on everything so he's gonna know he's he's he's co-ceo of a hot sauce factory called steve ranch that's it i i need to get into something like that because hot sauce yeah it will just like i want to call myself ceo of something. Don't you run this podcast? I mean, obviously Thomas doesn't with his latest. Thomas is this.

If you look at his Twitter, it says CEO of Pandejo Time. So he's the CEO. I'm just the other guy. You should be the CFO or COO. That's cooler. That's the hipster C-suite pick. That's the underrated one. What's a panday day show pandejo is is spanish for uh asshole dumbass yeah yeah oh that's pretty cool so the show is called

uh pandejo time or it's it's what they would call you jock so it's pretty much kind of like a Latino 70s show. Yeah, it's funny because our bio on Spotify is we're Mexican and both of us are white trash. Every white Tejano is 1 million percent able to call themselves Mexican. Like the bar is so low to be Latino. So you're not a Latino. Look at me, man. I can't tell. I mean, you know, first of all.

I'm white trash, brother. I'm like, if I took an Ancestry type 23andMe thing, it would just come back like three big red question marks and then a bullet and a gun and they would answer with it. I love those emojis. I, uh... Yeah, Pendejo Time is a show me and

Thomas run. Thomas is the CEO. I am the, uh... Dude, people bitched at me to figure the audio out, and, uh... That's not your job. You shouldn't have to. It should have been.

Thomas should have been here. It's the CEO's job, yeah. Thomas talks into like an AirPod. He actually has a better mic than me. I just think because he's like, yeah, so I'm in the fucking. Also, apparently he doesn't have. Is he just really quiet because he records at his parents' house? He got his own place recently, but he's just recently, but his voice is very raspy and quiet.

Yeah, because it doesn't seem like that would be the case, you know? So I'm waiting for this boy to rasp all over the microphone. That sucks. I mean, what the hell is taking this guy so long? How long does it take him to jerk off? He actually has a real job. I'm PMC work from home slime, so I can kind of just do whatever the fuck I want what is his real job

he works as a he does landscaping yeah so he's professionally Mexican at least yeah oh my god oh you those guys rule so much dude I fucking love it have you seen have you seen

uh cockfighter tiktok Mexican cockfighter tiktok mexican cockfighter tiktok yes dude my girlfriend she sends me like her tiktoks all the time of like a dog that got his leg fixed my tiktok algorithm is like boxing ko's cars i can't afford and then stuff like cartel cockfights and like almost beheadings why can i ever get any of the cool stuff i'm literally getting like like it's like how to dance um amateur style and i'm like come on it's usually like what you what you watch so like unless you're if you're watching dance videos a lot no i feel like i just subscribe to like maybe one person initially and then i fucked me up yeah i i don't know i um i i think the funniest thing though about like the and we talked about this on the show a while

back like having been from the south specifically texas the amount of like uh hispanic people i've ran into work in construction or like just outside that make like 43 000 and they're like they adopt like a good old boy accent and they're like yeah we gotta send them back you know my mom came over here in a meat truck but that's that back that was only nine years ago times are different man and you're like i put my blood sweat and tears into this Into this soil And I deserve I've paid my two cents I've made my I've made my commitments I've paid my dues

I'm like hey how did your mom get here Oh coyote Your cricket phone is in Spanish Yeah You have a 10 gallon hat And bright green square-toed boots like let's just you know but i i mean i think a lot of that is just assimilating to avoid getting like becoming othered you know in different ways like i guess if you think that if you if they talk if

like if they talk like the people who work in those industries predominantly white dudes who just hate people that aren't like them uh yeah yeah they won't get bulleted as much like if you don't go to their church like you're basically public enemy number one anyway like you have a uh you automatically roll with disadvantage with these people yeah and one of my favorite things in the fucking world is when like like well-minded like people with well-intentioned well-intentioned liberals are like oh you just think everyone that's blue collar is racist and homophobic i bet you've never worked and i'm like i'm like have you ever met kid rock are you kidding

me like have you ever met larry the cable guy in person because that guy will literally call you a fag and it's really funny because those guys all love like kiss like the gayest glam rock band or whatever or they'll be like i love pantera i mean the the weird thing is is that like those people will say actually they're not that way just to have a contrarian point but having lived in the south and worked with those guys extensively they all like just saying like oh they're not they're actually really what no a construction site in texas is one of the only places in the world where you can get canceled for being woke like it's a weird like if you're like hey man don't say that they'll be like what did you just say i'm like hey just please don't call me like fag or whatever like don't

call me anything like that and they're like the last bastion of the first amendment you're the last person you we told we told that uh called fag that didn't want to be called fag got ran over by the cement squisher and we are gonna squish you we're gonna squish the shit out of you jack i saw your name and i was like this guy's either french or he's from Louisiana. So Louisiana makes sense. So I was actually born in Dallas, Texas, but I grew up in Lafayette, Louisiana. All my family is from Louisiana. My mom is one of 17 from Louisiana. Hell yeah.

You know, I can't wait to go back and just kayak. Jacques talks about being born in Texas the same way like first generation and just talk about uh being born in texas the same way like latina like first generation latino immigrants talk about like i actually i was i was born in puebla but i was actually raised here in los angeles most of my life since i was six years old the way he said los angeles they do talk like that they talk like that it's it's awful They do talk like that. They talk like that. It's awful. Dude, what's weird is that SoCal accent is moving

like... When I first moved to Austin and I was playing in bands around here, I would meet people from SoCal or LA that were like, hey man, that was a super sick set, dude. That was really cool. And they would be from California.

It made sense. And then I would talk to a guy who, like, grew up in Texas and, like, lived in Austin. Not from the fucking California or not from the PNW. And he'd be like, yeah, dude, like, that was super funny set, bruh. Like, you want to come host my mic? I got to go do heroin. Like, I'm like, what are you, why are you talking like this? Like, you don't, have you affected this for some specific reason?

Like why? I have no idea. Like people in Austin. Yeah. It's weird. Cause you don't seem like an asshole, but I think every single person I've ever met in Austin is an asshole. Continue what you're saying.

Oh no, I'm an asshole for sure. Uh, no, I'm just kidding. I'm pretty nice guy. I'm just really stupid. But that i like the

people in austin who live there are a little nicer but they all have a chip on their shoulder because they've been there for however many years um they were there before austin was popping basically yeah and so there's that old like 2008 hipster mindset of like i remember when south congress was cool and i'm like i don't care dude fuck out of here let's just go away and then you have your people who are from la that are like it's so much cheaper here it's only 1300 for a studio and i'm like that's expensive yeah pay what do you pay in la and they're like oh it's like 2200 i'm like why the fuck do you live there like why would i'm gonna i'm gonna move to, I'm going to move to LA. I'm going to move,

move to LA. Cause that's where the Hollywood stars live, Jack. So if you, if you don't understand how that, if you don't want to be a part of that lifestyle, I totally understand. I see your haircut.

Like I get where you're going in life. And like, like that's chill. But like if Los Angeles doesn't need you, if you don't like like that's chill but like if los angeles doesn't need you if you don't like it so much i mean and also i feel pretty bad about austin i want to like dive it deep into how much like austin is like such a piss hole so you end up at like you know uh what is that place yellow what's yellow jacket social club you see you end up at yellow jacket social club um against your will because it's like the cool bar to go to it's like getting a drink

jock is going to tiny penis social club sorry go on well um i'm just like go to this bar the bartender wants nothing to do with you i don't know what what about austin is it's like they hire people who are like the meanest people possible everyone on the east side where you're talking about is naturally aloof and super high on coke all the time so well you have to take into account that uh that jock is like coming into that bar dressed probably very obnoxiously right jock i don't know in austin i i keep it pretty chill pretty mellow okay because like i'm see i've seen your your crazy fits the ones that make all the all the people say sheesh uh sheesh what the hell's wrong with those are those are crazy those are like oh my god we gotta call the fucking paddy wagon to like i'll tell you something take this fool away also coming in with fucking translucent you're listening

and you're thinking about skirts oh my god get the hell out of here look coming coming in with the with the eight inch stilettos making making you a full uh six foot uh and a quarter inch okay you're you're described what you're describing is a background character in a law and order svu episode your your your wife beater with trans nipple holes to minimize chafing oh yes you imagine this motherfucker walks into your bar and and like of course if you be mean as fuck to this dude well the the way that you're dressed now jock is basically how like every guy who sells bunk coke and austin dresses yeah i'm on vacation dressing right now i just got off the airplane so

i'm wearing shorts um which i was blown away when i landed on the plane i said oh my god these motherfuckers have pockets i was so surprised they're so small but i was like damn you know all day i'm just you know making sure i didn't lose anything what a flight where'd you put shit if not in your shorts pockets i put it in my armpit and walked really like this. You know, I was a little goofed out of the airport. I put my sunglasses on and I said, well, excuse me, Danny, I have high anxiety and I am extremely nervous about this flight. I need to be sat in a row with no one else.

And the guy was like, are you going to make a scene? And I a row with no one else. And, um, I was like, are you going to make a scene? And I was like, no, no, but I just need the row. But you wanted to,

but I, but I got, I wanted to come on. I got the, I got, I got the row. I got the row and it was great. I don't have that kind of,

uh, like swagger. I think if I, if I ever ask anyone to accommodate me for any reason, they're usually like, you can go fuck yourself. I hate flying too. And so I normally just like, back when I used to like do drugs, I would just, we would do what's called fast traveling, me and my friends. Like in Skyrim, you take a bunch of klonopin and you drink as much as you possibly can and then you wake up at the airport that you arrived at and there's no you know it's

just there you are scary okay i i used to drink a lot in the airport and i would um fill my sleeves up with glass mini bottles of tanqueray and drink them and so i would just be walking around the airport just drinking them just like looking like you know i'd wear a trench coat or something something weird like obvious yeah that that sounds really unpleasant honestly today honestly my uh someone was texting me and uh called me and up there i was just like i can't believe another person i know is getting investigated by the secret service only someone that i know in proximity i think they made a they made a wait what does this have to do with with being being intoxicated at the airport sorry what oh i i i don't know i just

thought yeah you completely lost the plot jock this this is happening again how many holes do you have in your brain by now this is what dad does to you i didn't do any dabs come on you you you were you're drunk you're drunk you must have seen something with your arms crossed so angrily no I don't know about this but I have been I did want to contribute a little bit I have been to the airport very

high on on Mali one time sick and that's no good oh the point of it was is that I was high earlier at the airport and i was talking yeah you sure as fuck were i was you're still a bitch yeah i know i was talking aloud on the phone about how two of my friends were being investigated by the secret service and of course i got looks because i mean that's probably not like appropriate right I landed in Atlanta

layover flight to Florida and I got off at the gate off the plane and I was walking to the bar and I watched a lady she had an unruly kid

unruly kid who was standing on the bench and he's like ah ah ah yes she had an unruly kid unruly kid who was standing on the bench and he's like yes this is fucking mine yes is like you need to calm down now the kid's not listening her next course of action is at this point i know what this is in public please say it's in public she grabbed a handful of fucking peanut m&ms and hummed them in his head as hard as she possibly could yes yes and they all rattled against the kid's head and some of them hit the wall behind him and the kid just like like rock salt shotgun just kind of like sat down she was like i told you what did i tell you and the kid's like crying and he's like mama why'd you throw candy at me mama and again i've stopped walking i'm standing in the middle of the fucking airport terminal

i'm clearly just this has become yeah riveting theater riveting i'm no longer pretending to act cool like out of the corner of my eye i'm standing like and the lady turns around and she looks at me and i'm like oh fuck here we go oh yeah and uh she's like what the fuck are you looking at and i was like oh nothing you just uh that was really funny you just physically assaulted your kid with p.m and m's but continue dude the sound i'll never forget it sounded like if you take a handful of marbles and just drop it on a laminate floor like dude peanut m&ms are hard they got weight yeah yeah yeah it's like fucking buckshot i've never had one but continue the what was funny is the atlanta airport is a is a connecting hub for a lot of

international flight and so it's a lot of well like a lot of rich people and kids on vacations oh yeah very busy airport no one gave a fuck but me like i looked around as i was walking away after she accosted me and i was like did nobody else see basically like like and it's always sunny like side character just happened yeah yeah yeah like is is this like kelsey poppin like some awesome like old like broadway like parody show or whatever like rocky horror picture that's am i being punked am i yeah it's crazy that's the thing about the airport is that you constantly see that kind of thing happening like it's always going on 24 7 that's the worst of society well like it's

the thing i attribute it to is is when i would vacation and go to visit friends in new york every now and then and i would i would tell them not living in new york hey man i was on the l train and i was coming up here to see you and there's a guy and his penis was out and he was uh twirling it around like a twizzler and he was looking right at my feet that's crazy right and he's like no that happens like five times a week for me and i'm like oh you live in hell okay cool i imagine the atlanta airport's like fundamentally the same liminal space where there's like oh yeah yeah yeah there's not a lot of like rules really or there are rules but they're like

hard they're not hard and fast you can pelt your kid with candy as hard as you fucking want and in front of the eyes of both god and man if you want to it's because it's international waters like once you get past customs it's really you can do whatever the fuck you want there i'm shocked because i literally see like an incidence of child abuse every time I go to any airport. They're like five children running, screaming. So many kids in leashes. Did you get over here? And they're all running bare. I saw a whole family running barefoot through the airport.

I couldn't even say that. Had a stroke right there. They were running barefoot through the airport. I couldn't even say that. Had a stroke right there. They were running barefoot through the airport. It was disgusting. The whole family. So many kids on leashes just getting yanked all over the place. Just getting yoink. You're not going near that Hudson News.

My favorite thing in the fucking world is to watch an upper middle class like Valium stepford wife mom yes like a chardonnay mom try to chastise her irrational unruly sticky son and she's like okay zachariah what have we talked about we've talked about this and he's like shut up bitch and she's like please don't call me what did we say about that word and he's like i want to play fortnite i want to fucking kill people and she's like we talked we can't kill people and it's like just beat the fuck out of your kid dude yeah at this point like you can tell she's imagining like she's in another place in her head she has mastered zen and in her mind palace she is waiting on that fucking kid

and beating it to within an inch of its life yeah because yeah it's not it's not supposed to be funny it's hilarious because here's the thing it's hilarious she is doing the loony to myshift to that kid in her head. That kid is swallowing a big stick of dynamite and going boom. And like exploding, like his nose explodes like a burst, like a trombone. People are like, hey, you shouldn't hit your kids. And I mostly support that. But if you get your kid loaded up. Mostly support that.

Hey, listen, man man you know what there are some extreme cases you know if your kid looks you listen if you take a little minute give me a listen if your kid has bad vibes you can absolutely beat them it's totally fine and in fact it may even improve his vibes yeah yeah, yeah. Look at me. I've turned out totally fine. That's one of my favorite things. My mama whooped me and I'm fine and it's some guy who's like on no lats, yolked as fuck, like punching his own car windows out. I'm fine.

You see, like, people I went to high school with post on Facebook, they have like six assault charges. Everyone knows about it and they're like, kids these days are too soft. My dad drowned me and he beat me socks in my mouth and i'm fine and like his profile picture is like a punisher skull and like a noose wait can can we understand the etymology or like the real the breakdown of why all those blue live matter assholes all use the punisher logo as their because he's a man outside of the law who looks cool he looks cool that's it like i think also a lot of them

want to fuck the netflix punisher that's just my theory i think a lot of them are like closet case guys who are like yeah i wish we could probably hang out me in the punisher and he could uh punish they're probably like more like one of those guys uh remember that thread from like last week where it was uh like oh now that we've accepted gays too much it's it's impossible to have gay sex with another man without being called gay uh interesting to see that that is an exercise in linguistic who i don't know what the fuck that is that that was uh oh god chapa did talk about it on their on their last episode i'm not going to talk about it here but but yeah it's like uh people who are complaining that like they can't be affectionate to other guys without being like laughed at for being gay dude i don't even jake just tell us your

your journey as a queer person like what was it what was it like coming out on sixth street at um at like you know the gayest part what was it like coming out at coming out at cheer up charlie's uh listen as a 100 everyone knows it to be true gay man uh it was super easy everyone likes me they think i'm cool um and uh my girlfriend the other day actually asked me she's like why do you and thomas send pictures of your ass cheeks to each other yeah literally the first day i was like max who are these people and he was like oh you know they they send pictures of their ass on the internet but they're not gay it's it's not yeah it's not for money and they're not gay like i felt that that was very very important to stress on to my next question so jake ruts what is it like being a down low gay man living in Austin, Texas. Is it like Slacker? Is it like the movie Slacker?

Yeah. Basically, what I do is I only... Here's my theory, my running gambit. If I suck one penis a year, I get to say all the words

that I'm not allowed to say. Hey, you know what what i think if you suck more than two cocks you can you can say fag for the rest of your life i'm yeah that that's my thing i you know what i say it and i've never done that but uh you know it is what it is i mean you said there's a guy there's one other guy on your podcast right yeah that's thomas okay who's still missing it's like almost an hour and he's still... No, it's just like he's been gone for so long and I don't even know him.

He was never here. He can't be gone if he was never here. I just think it's my first time ever meeting this prick and he doesn't even show up. He stands you up. He's stood up. I can't believe it. I mean, really, how long does it take to fucking jack off?

I mean, get the, get... Are you not on Twitter, Jacques? I, um, I've never been on the internet. I'm Amish. I was raised in the... You look super Amish, man. ...in the Amish part of Louisiana. I've been to Lafayette to gamble.

Wait. Amish there. Wait, no, have you really, I'm just joking, but have you been to Lafayette to gamble wait no I'm just joking but have you been to Lafayette that's where I'm from yeah I've been to dude I go to Louisiana to gamble I used to a lot you're a gamble-aholic is this the real deal I like to play Texas Hold'em

and Blackjack I used to I used to gambling combines all of my worst character traits as chain smoking, binge drinking, and instant gratification. Yeah. I was addicted to this

gambling machine at this sports bar in Glendale, right outside of Denver, or part of Denver metro area. It's called WT Shorties. it was a quarter game where you could knock use quarters to knock other stacks of quarters that okay this bar was incredible

this bar was fucking incredible wt shorties had the best fried mushrooms i was riding through in a fucking penny farthing they're listening to arcade fire fuck that wow look at thomas finally came around dude how's it how thomas man and he's gay thomas how was the green belt can you hear me hello very rude tom tom you're being very rude to me right now. Tom-ass. Tom-ass white. Were you at the Greenbelt? He doesn't live in Austin.

Where does he live? Hell. Like, uh, Fort Worth area. Oh my god. My cousin lives there? One time I, uh, like six years ago, I asked him what he was doing on the weekends. He says, I go to the dubstep club to shuffle. I don't know what that is. Are you using Audacity here?

Yeah. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. All right. Damn, Thomas. Catch these last 10 minutes here. No, we can record a little more than that. We can go.

Oh, yeah, no, we have time. It's cool. I don't have anything else to do tomorrow. I'm not waiting. I got to cut out around like 7.20. What time is it currently for you? 7 o'clock. I'm in Central.

It's 6.58 for me, but I'm two minutes behind him. Yeah, you wish you were behind me. No, I don't Jake Jake has a gay problem as far as I can see what is my hold up. Ho ho ho ho yeah Yeah, I would even talk to Thomas don't Isn't your audience predominantly? heroin addicts So isn't your audience predominantly... Heroin addicts? It's of a homosexual nature.

Yeah, most of our audience is homeless. Hey, I'll tell you guys something. When I searched your podcast, the one that was recommended first was Red Scare. How do you guys feel about that? Very good, actually. Because we are the other option for the exact same clientele audience.

I don't know them, but I know that a lot of people just despise them. They probably have very, very trash pussy because they're old. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. They also have no swag. Okay, Max is the assistant. They're white women in their 30s, so I can't really blame them for that. They're great. They're fine. I have no problem with these people. Come on. for they're friends with azalea banks so that should

prove if i was friends with them i would probably be doing very very good cook so like that's a very you know i would be like the remora for that just just to be like hey can have some coke at a party we don't have enough clout to start a podcast, Beef, but I imagine that eventually me and Thomas will find someone, you know, to despise. I just get along with everybody. I could give y'all about six suggestions of people on the internet

who you should bully. Let's hear it. Let's hear one through six. Number one, Lizzo. No. Number one, Ray Romano. Stop. Stop. Stop. Why?

You can't bully him, though. He's super famous. Is he still alive? He's like, yeah, he's barely alive. Why is it an of course thing? He's Italian. He's not a hundred. He's in his 60s.

He is on borrowed time, Jacques. Those fucking arteries are crumbling. Like a bridge over the Mississippi. He's as fresh as a baby Roma tomato. You're just saying that because it rhymes. You're just saying that because it starts the same way. Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. What's the second one? I don't like this first one already. I'm kind of larry the cable guy he's cool as fuck wrong again and we're friends thomas no we're we're stealing that whole thing by the way that would be such a funny we're blue collar too like yeah we finally got like a third guy i think you should basically go for the entire blue collar comedy tour hey no come on come on now there's i know we like to joke about some stuff

but like when you like you know once you cross a certain line it's like i don't know how you expect to come back in my eyes yeah i've upset you yeah me and thomas grew up on that we love larry jeff foxworthy has always been close to my heart um oh my god what the hell he's a true comedian you know he gets out there i love that he taught an entire generation of southernersners to, instead of laughing, say, now that's funny. Now that's funny. I'm mad about this guy. So you guys are going to go out of your way to defend them?

They're good guys. They're good guys. But let's hear number three. You're on a good roll. HRH Collection. Don't know what that is. What is that? What?

She's this uh uh influencer she was just like anti-vaxxer anti-mass so am i what's wrong i just i don't know she's just annoying i hate her sounds like just a you problem on that one yeah sounds like it sounds like a liberal problem i don't know anything about that I'm just a good old boy from Texas. Let's hear number four number four the pen the Pentejo boys Why would we beef we beef already me and Thomas well you guys said you wanted you wanted to pot beef of the podcast But don't have anyone good. I mean, me and Max have been pretty bored in the last few months, and we've got to be angry at someone.

Oh, you guys want to start a beef with us? I mean, we kind of beef with everyone. We're kind of rough people. It's always beneficial in a relationship to have beef just like one time like have them on the other end of the spectrum like hate them for a second just to like feel how how that would feel you know and and make a decision about you know maybe we're better off as enemies rather than as friends uh it's it's it's very zen I read it in a I read it in a Steve Jobs book oh my god

first of all I always thought you were illiterate by the way you wrote online me? no Max because I never used punctuation capitalization yeah I do type like a Neanderthal it's not becoming a I don't think it's just that you type like a neanderthal it's it's it's not becoming i don't think it's just

that you type like a neanderthal i think you just give off that like grateful dead neanderthal no it's just because i don't use punctuation or or uh yeah it's every sentence is a run-on sentence like every single tweet of mine is 280 words and that is it was english your first language yes it's just that i i i never spell check i'm just no i just don't spell check or like draft things i just tweet whatever max just talks like that because well i know i know you're Greek. I'm not Greek. I know you're Albanian. I know your first language was Greek. I'm from the funny zone. Yeah.

Those guys are always so cool. They're always talking about ex-Yugoslavian countries just to be like, ah, it's a funny name. You know, Croatia. Ah, exotic. My Croatia. This is weird. They talk weird over there. My roommate for the last year was from Serbia.

That's not true. You met the motherfucker, you jackal. I'm going to fucking kill you. He's making this guy up. I'm going to make you up, motherfucker. I would probably look really good. No, you shit no i would look stunning you don't nope damn he was a butt header going off tonight um he would be like he i've told thomas met him and then he like we were watching ufc and uh amanda nunez a lesbian champion from

ufc comes on the tv and she's like talking with her wife and uh he does not like gay people very much and he was like it showed a picture of her and the lady with her baby and he goes uh where is the father in this picture and And he, like, asked me. Because in Serbia, like, it's allowed. Like, I think their PM is a lesbian, but, like, he was telling me. Yeah, yeah. If you try to have pride in street, mafia might beat you, cop might beat you, just don't do it.

But anyway, so they're on the TV, and these two ladies are kissing, and he goes, are they gay with one another? And I was like, yeah, dude. And he was like, that baby is hopeless. I'm like, what do you mean? And he's like, this is not the way to raise child. You need one man at home, one woman at home, this baby. And I was like, dude, Amanda Nunes is a millionaire. She's the best female fighter to ever walk the planet.

Her wife is a legend of kickboxing. This kid's set. They're great people. He was like, I do not care about this. If you do not have one man in the house with one woman and you try to raise a baby, kid will be fucked up. Hopeless creature. Hopeless creature should be the name of this episode. That's what they call Jacques every day at the...

That was the official diagnosis immediately when I was... At the cardiologist. They turned to my... Hey, the baby that was just born in that dumpster? Yeah, it ain't gonna amount to much. Yeah, he would talk about like... He would uh because i was telling him like the older people in the united states you know the running joke is a general rule is that they're all uh fairly conservative and and like you know and the days that they yearn for are old and gone and

he was like right it's he was like in serbia yeah yeah he's like in serbia lots of people they miss yugoslavia and i was like oh are they like old like communists and he was like, in Serbia, lots of people, they miss Yugoslavia. And I was like, oh, are they like old communists? And he was like, oh, no, they just don't like being Serbian, or they like it, but they don't identify as Serbian. And I'm like, what is going on over there? Do you guys, like, I guess when everything became Balkanized, he said there are people who are Serbian, but are like, i'm yugoslavian i don't know like i have to get another perspective on it because

but it was just weird like i i mean the history of those countries are so cool because uh uh it's it's it's a it's a country yugoslavia is a country that was made up really like uh was made up really like uh yeah no i mean it was wholesale made up like uh like after the uh austrian hungary kind of like broke up in world war one they were like okay what do we do with this with this area like we never really had that much uh like presence there it's kind of just like this drain on like like what the fuck do we do with it and so they just gave it an independence and and yeah it was just like all these ethnic groups that hated each other or like just or or didn't really care um he he didn't know anything yeah but i'm sorry but but But then you have like You know like after World War 2 Like Or after

Like Tito dies it's just like Like there's no Like figurehead to like hold this country together Yeah so It just like drifted all apart It's kind of tragic but Absolutely no cohesion so tragic Okay next story

Go Jakey It was a great project it was fucking awesome You listen to like Yugoslavian music Absolutely no cohesion. So tragic. Okay. Next story. Go, Jakey. It was a great project. It was fucking awesome. You listen to Yugoslavian music, and it's fucking great. They had some really good, like, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer knockoffs. They had some great, like, Talking Heads knockoffs. Like, really fucking good music. Whatever.

I'm about to knock you off this microphone. whatever. I'm about to knock you off this microphone. His disdain for Bill Clinton was like, he was like, do you like Bill Clinton? And I was like, fuck no, that guy's a piece of shit. And he was like, he bombed my whole country.

For what? We're all drunk in the back patio of the apartment. And I was like, yeah, man, I don't like him either. So true, brother. I was like, what else do you know about American politics? And he was like yeah man i don't like him either so true brother and he yeah he i was like what else do you know about american politics and he was like not much just don't like bill clinton and i'm like that's basically all you need to know yeah they're very trusted clinton i swear to god today at the airport i saw hillary clinton stunt double... You just saw a white woman.

Oh my goodness. No, I mean... Oh my word. Jacques, that's it. You're fired. Goddamn. You got bodied like this. On tape. I didn't take any pictures, but I went and sat across

from her because I thought it was so funny. You sat in front of the mirror? Yeah, you sat in front of the mirror, bud. You two goofballs need to get your head out of the Texas asshole. God damn. The Texas ass... What?

Y'all need to get some... That's a ride at Schlitterbahn. Oh my God. Take me home country road. Me and Tom has worked at Schlitterbahn. Oh my god. Take me home country road. Me and Tom has worked at Schlitterbahn six years and we both worked at Texas Asshole. Y'all ever seen Y'all ever heard of the Easter

tradition in the hills in Texas where they burn crosses and also have adults dressed as bunny rabbits hopping on the sides of the hills it's really scary like in and around fredericksburg they do weird shit but i've never heard about that i know that like the germans who like have been here for a long time do weird shit like like they have like mask type

true detective season one festivals for like uh but it's like a small thing Texas is so cool I don't understand why either of you don't live in Houston I'm here now that's where I grew up those kinds of communities are so fascinating to me because like they all do this fucked up shit where they they have like a yearly

pageant where they choose the sexiest prepubescent blonde girl from all of the tri-county Dallas area. And they hold it at some Girl Scout camp, like 600, or like 100 miles away. And then they all go back to Dallas and they all go back to fucking Irving to live at the same fucking tract McM mansions like at the same like gated communities.

It's crazy. It's crazy. There was one called Mrs. Sylvan Beach in the neighborhood adjacent to mine when I grew up. I grew up near Galveston area. That's cool. And it was a trip because. Thomas just left. Thomas left.

Why did he leave? His internet might have cut out. He was making that face for like a solid 10 minutes. I thought he was doing a bit. I thought he was fucking with us. I was about to say, is he kind of... Is he slow? Is he all there?

Yeah. Is there a reason Thomas is not slow no just kidding he wasn't fast I'll tell you that much the boy was quiet Jock you're paused in the funniest

face right now I wish I could screenshot you can never screenshot me i'll never i'll never be fucking screenshot it on this institution again hello where where is thomas he just texted me said his internet went down give him a minute i'm about to his internet did not go down and what's going down is eating whataburger what's going down is is this episode we're about an hour in i think this is about a good a good a place as any to i'll record i'll work i'll stick around i'll stick around and record with them if uh if thomas if

he wants to wait but i mean it's up to y'all i gotta head out and run i was gonna go till 7 20 for the full hour. That's fine. I'll just go to, uh, I'm going to go to the river. Oh, nice. Yeah. I just landed. So it's time for the river. Well, thanks for having me and Thomas for a little bit.

Yeah, of course. Absolutely. It was incredible to meet you. Uh, before you go, can we, let's, let's say bye. Goodbye. Let's end our recordings nahir listen to pendejo time everybody oh yeah pendejo time is available on internet uh near you yeah patreon and everywhere else okay yeah and we'll yeah i do have to plug pendejo time especially because i very recently like ever since since school kind of let out and I've done both finals,

I've been getting very stoned. I've been playing a lot of video games, and I've been listening to quite a lot of Pendejo time, and I've got to say my KD ratio has never been so high as when I listen to you two dumbasses just sap away IQ points away from me. Just sticking a needle in my brain. That's funny because I have no IQ points left. I have a series of strokes and a few things to mutter.

We're going to flowers for Algernon on your ass. You listen to this podcast, it's going to make you a genius. Hey, can I... But one really useless thing. It's going to be like... If you listen to it while you're crocheting, you're going to be a genius at crochet, but you're going to be retarded.

An idiot savant. Everything else. I was bored on the airplane on the way here, and I made a phone background. And as a gift to y'all, I'm going to show it to y'all. So take a gander at this. It's... It says...

Oh, my God! take a gander at this. It's, um, it says... What? Oh my god! It says, I dare you to touch my phone. Yeah, but Jock has a gun in their hand. You look like Guy Fieri's, like, bodyguard in that picture.

That was actually... Why would you have that? Oh my god. You're just going through airport security with that on your phone? Just having that displaying? No, I made that back. As it goes to the fucking...

You put it through the x-ray machine and it shows up in the guy's display. No, no. I made it my background while I was bored on the plane because I was like, this is going to be funny to my friends when I get there.

Yes, it's going to be funny here, but it's not going to be funny when you get put on the no-fly list. I don't think they'll put me on the no-fly list for making a background on my phone. Do you? They might.

You never know. They should. They've done it for less. I'll say that. Yikes. They should have done it when you brought all those fucking sandwiches through TSA. Sir, this is an illegal amount of hot meat leaving this

port. Yes, exactly. That is against the rules. Sir, this is, exactly. That is against the rules. You are sick in the head. The spice does not flow from New Orleans. You're a pervert of the worst kind and this meat is illegal. You deserve to die.

Is that so, Prosetta, you cocksucker? You drinking Prosecco, you fucking cocksucker. You got prosciutto in that hot meat sandwich. Max, look at your wrist. They're limper than your Judy Garland costume. Okay, that was it. That's the end of the episode.

Okay. Bye-bye. Okay, bye. Bye. I tell you, this situation's getting out of hand. We got love, talking about love. Waiting for you, you. Before the night is all gone.

That's it Imagine only you You Now I know What makes me feel so So and so Down by the seashore Of growth More More and more No, no, I can't wait

More, no, no, no Set myself free I don't speak for you I only speak for me