Seeking Derangements - SD 77 [UNLOCKED] - 7/22/21 - Littlefield, Brooklyn, NY (Early Show)

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

featuring special guests Chapo Trap House and Podcast about List Weekly episodes at https://patreon.com/seekingderangements

Welcome to the live Shirley show! Welcome to the live Shirley show! Alright boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, señores y señoras, we have a wonderful fucking live show for you guys. We have the one and only Podcast About Lays! guys. We have the one and only Podcast About Less! Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeah, yeah, have a little bow.

Say hello to the nice ladies and gentlemen. We have the one and only Will Meneker and Felix Biederman from Chapo Motherfucking Chapo! Woo! Woo!

We have Ones on Twos by the one and only DJ Sensitive Jacques! And your MC from Sacramento, California by way of El Salvador Spain, hell and heaven Brooklyn, Queens Manhattan, New York Beautiful

Thank you everybody for coming in Now I think you might have all Guessed we were missing one person. Our beautiful Latino friend, Ben Mora, is missing. He's gone. There is a perfectly terrible tragedy. Yeah, he found a great group on... Can we please cue the video?

He sent us this FaceTime thing a couple of weeks ago when he disappeared cue the fucking video please this is exactly like I like him I don't know what else you expect from a bunch of gay people. There have been no gay guys ever in AV Club.

We're all too busy getting our dicks sucked by straight people at Gay Straight Alliance. That's what Glee was about. It was about the AV club guys fighting the gay guys. That Ryan Murphy's gonna fuck all the gay people he can. Depending on who you ask in the essay, that's also what The Sopranos is about. Could you imagine if Tony Soprano voted? Oh, gosh. Can you imagine if the guy from The Wire was a fascist?

Sorry. Sorry, Ben. Yeah, Tony definitely would have been a Trump. Definitely would have been a Trump. I think we have a queer sound man in our mix. Actually, I'd like to take back the thank you to Jacques. He's caused me a lot of stress my entire life. Let's take it from from the top hi

everyone um just wanted to make this video and send it along and say thank you so much for joining us tonight we really appreciate you coming to one of our first live shows um thank you so much thank you uh to jacques to max to choppo. Again, we really appreciate it. I would actually, I'd like to take back the thank you to Jacques. He's caused me a lot of stress my entire life. So I want to take the thank you back from Jacques and actually just a producer's note, if we could have this video be playing behind Jacques on a big screen and he's like right in the middle so it looks like I'm looking down at him like this and then we go this way I'm gonna go blinding it's if we can just edit that together you know because he's so bald

you know my eyes something like that you, if we could just, you know, someone at Littlefield could just edit that together seamlessly. Thank you. Um, but no, I mean, in all seriousness, I'm, I'm back in Iowa, have been for a while. Um, there's just some family stuff going on that I have to... Hello? Hello? Yeah, is this Dr. Lemonet? Who's Michelle? No, this is Ben. I've been trying to get a hold of you for two weeks. You did surgery on me. Look, something is seriously wrong. No, like really wrong.

My symptoms? I have fever. I have chills. I'm not sweating. My body's just not producing any sweat at all for some reason. It's leaking. I'm leaking. I don't know. I don't know. Liquid? I don't know. I don't know what I'm leaking. Liquid. What am I leaking? A solid? What are you talking about? I don't know. What do you mean that's regular? What do you mean most of your patients leak solids? That makes no sense. Look, you have to do something about this, man. It's not normal. Look, I burp and it tastes like cement smells. Okay? Yesterday, yesterday, I coughed up a pebble, man! Like, it's not, you can't do this to people.

Look, I'm gonna have to pursue legal action if you can't get this out of me. People think, I have to lie to people, I have to tell people, friends of mine back home, I have to tell them that I'm having some kind of, like, horrible family tragedy because this thing you put in me is killing me.

Look, dude, I'm pursuing legal action. Oh, yeah? Oh, really? Okay. All right. Well, let's hear what Gloria Allred has to say about you telling me it's my fault for getting a BBL in Arkansas for $300. Yeah, fuck you too, doctor. Okay. Yeah, um, thanks guys, you know. Tip your bartenders and, uh,

have fun. Thanks guys, you know Tip your bartenders And uh Have fun There are some Groupons You just can't say no to Alright We have a lovely A lovely... This is like audio technical genius right now. I'm blown away. I love YouTube.

Anyway, thank you all very much for coming to our interactive media experience. We have a great show for you guys tonight. Putt About Liz, Chapo Trap House in the motherfucking house. In the meantime, why don't you guys tonight. Putt About Liz, Chapo Trap House and the Motherfucking House. In the meantime, why don't you guys fuck off for a second while we have a little crowd work.

Jacques, come on down. Jesus. This venue is not meant for people my size. I can tell immediately by the length of the aisles right now I could not even fit through this.

This is like the length of a Spirit airline condensed a little more. Yeah, Jacques is already beta testing new Spanx, and he's still too white for this shit. I'm just really offended by every single person I see in Brooklyn because they're all skinnier than me. And I think it's an attack on my character.

What did you say to me? I don't like when you whimper. What? I just couldn't hear him. I can't hear on my Goodyear since the war. I get strep throat and AIDS from the AstraZeneca vaccine, and this is how you treat me? Yes, this is how I'd treat you any day.

Okay, actually, we both have... I don't even know who Christopher Cross is. Oh, Christopher Connor. I kept reading his shirt as Christopher Cross is. Oh, Christopher Donner. I kept reading his shirt as Christopher Cross. Listen, listen. I do a little bit of research. I find out about Black Lives Matter.

They don't know anything about that in El Salvador, right? They say Christopher Donner's like a cool guy. Listen, I wore this on the plane. The air marshal just fucking chokeslammed me into the fucking seat 16K. I smelled like baby vomit from like three flights ago. It's not great. You know, I don't go on an airplane and not get a refund if a baby throws up. And a baby throws up like seven aisles in front of me,

and I'm going to be like calling Spirit Airlines and being like, my flight was ruined. It's really funny how the sticking point for you is the baby vomit smell and not the fact that I was police brutality-ed by... I mean, obviously... The one guy who got to wear a gun to... Come on.

Come on now. I thought it was Christopher Cross. I'm just going to go back to it. I don't know who he is, but if Christopher Cross is out there and he'd like to contact me so I can know him... Well, you know what? Judging by the melanin content of this fucking room,

maybe I should have worn a Christopher Cross shirt. All right, okay. Maybe you guys don't like AOR. You guys might not like cocaine on a yacht. But you know what? I have sophisticated tastes, okay? I have no taste, if that's not apparent by me wearing a blazer with that shirt underneath. Show him a little bit more skin.

Show him some sugar. Let's see what we're working with here. Woo! Woo! Hi! This is what I came to New York to do. To show my stomach. To show belly.

So fucked up. Show tummy. I wish Ben was here to yell at me more. I feel an empty vacuum in my heart. Ben left me a whip. That's funny. Ben left me anthrax in my mailbox for like the third time this month. All right.

We're kind of running out of steam here. You want to bring our beautiful guests on? Let's get the Pod About List boys over here. Podcast About List. Come on. Let's get up here. Everybody say hello to the hometown heroes. Podcast About Motherfucking List.

Do all these mics work? Yeah. That was great. I loved being on stage for three minutes. It was like exhilarating. Much needed break for us, I think. That was big. We all went to the bathroom.

Feel energized, ready to do a show now. Do you guys want to stand around forever or do you guys want to sit down? I'll sit down. What is the chair? You gave me that chair. You look like you should sit more often. What is going on here? You're in the wrong seat.

How? Oh, you're right. They're assigned to the microphones. This mic was on this seat, though. Where did you get that one? I brought this one from home. Oh, no, you gave me this mic. Yeah, I gave you the mic.

It doesn't matter. I don't think it matters. God, Patrick is going to flip out about the mic. Caleb looks like a tech deck dude come to life. You don't have a shirt on. I'm not going to take this from you. No, no, seriously. You know the movie Mannequin with Tyra Banks?

It's like that with the tech deck dude. I've only seen the sequel. That's not what that movie is called. That movie is called Life Size. Oh, okay. I mean, they're like saying plot lines. Chuck is making up names for movies. What's the actress for an old movie, Black Hole?

You know that movie? I don't hear any list yet. I've been waiting for a list all night. Chuck, I'm looking at my future right now. Speaking of Black Hole, last night we all got together at a bar. I've been waiting for a list all night. Jock, I'm looking at my future right now. Speaking of Black Hole, last night we all got together at a bar to hash out what we're going to say. It obviously has not worked out.

But we spent most of our time comparing the worst Hole picks we've ever gotten. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Do you all know what Sniffies is? Can anyone raise your hand if you know what Sniffies is? The app? Can you escort these people out of the video?

Sniffies is a gay dating app that surpasses Grindr in its dirtiness. It is something... It's called Sniffies. Did you say it's a dating app? Yeah, that is not a dating app. You're not finding your fucking one true love on this. No, that is a zoo. Okay, so every picture is immediately cock or hole.

That's how you're branded. It's like you don't need to say you're a bottom or a top. It's just like cock, hole, pics. Anyway, anyway, before we get a little too vulgar here, most of the hole pics there look like screenshots from Interstellar. Yeah, it's really fucked up. It looks like there was one that had a hard drop-off. It was made out of

plastic. It was the most insane shit I've ever seen. If you drop a glass Coke bottle down it, it would never break. It just keeps going. It looks like a silly straw. It looks like you would kick somebody into it.

It was really fucked up. I reached out to this guy and I said, are you okay? Something's really wrong here. I've seen people get fisted, or the after effect. You've gotten paid for sex with cake. You have no standing.

I have no standing, but I definitely have a standing. And if you're going to get fisted, you should hope that your whole flex is back. Anyway, long story short, this person doesn't look like he was fisted. He looked like he was professionally opened up and permanently... He looks like he was put on a stake for 10 years through his ass. He looks like he was molded like one of those Japanese square watermelons. He was born with a pool cue in his ass, and he just stayed that way.

I mean, it's really like one of the seven wonders of the world, seeing it. There's nothing that will take that image. It looked like a crater. Can you just put it on this giant screen? Can we start the slideshow? Pull that out of the computer, man. I'll bring that up for the next show. You guys can't see whole.

If you guys bought tickets for the second show, too, you might. If everyone wants to meet me after the show, I'll pass my phone around. This poor guy. First, he has that thing going on. Now all these people are going to see it. He lives in Denver. I mean, I doubt he knows.

Oh, yeah. That's fine, then. If any of you guys want to meet Jock after this show, please keep in mind that I do have Ben's whip on me, and I will not hesitate to use it. I am going to protect this motherfucker at all costs. He's my meal ticket. Oh, I thought you were going to whip me.

Oh, no, no, no. That sounded like I was going to be whipped, and I'm in trouble. Can we please get the slideshow? We need the list. Save us, please. Yeah, I've been waiting for a fucking list all night. Oh, God. That doesn't look like a list at all. This looks like

a nightmare. There it is. Wow. Wow. Thanks. Okay, so we don't have any control of this thing over here, right? Do I need to establish a signal? Let's say slide. That could be cool.

Oh, yeah. Like slide. Yeah, that would be really cool. All right. So this is the top ten worst things that could happen to the world from Jeticus 12. They explain, Earth's been around for 5.6 billion years. Only a matter of time, frowny face.

Yeah, fair enough. I guess that's fair. Eventually, most of this shit probably happens. I mean, kind of a pessimistic attitude towards the whole thing. Frowny face. It's really a bummer. I didn't say slide. Simon says... Number one... Slide. I didn't say reverse slide either. Simon says number one slide

I didn't say reverse slide either okay number one is World War 3 slide okay this isn't going to work that's fine that will be horrible we already have World War 2 about 70 years ago

which is to me a really good point. That is very true. After that last one, we can't have another. We're about due for another one. Yeah, I mean, what do you guys give it? Like five? Ten?

How long is it until all those kids? How many World Wars will we have? Five or ten? The fags are going to be the first ones drafted. You think so? Yeah. It's just like, you know, you want to put the ones that you want to get killed first in the front line. Everyone who goes on Sniffers.

Everyone who goes on Sniffies. Everyone who gets on Sniffies is actually being recruited by the U.S. Army. They're all getting sent to the front lines. That's fair, yeah. If I was an Army recruiter, I would be putting those people at the front line. They wouldn't even have guns.

Oh, no, yeah. It's more like a pity play, you know? It's like, would you kill these poor perverts? I mean, with a hole like that, they can probably just suck up the bullets that are flying towards them. Yeah, like a tank shell would just go directly into his ass. It goes into orbit. I mean, you could probably just use that person as a mortar launcher.

That person is the new biotechnology weapon that America has been waiting for. Jeff Bezos has been... You know how he's looking fucked up now because he's got lip fillers and stuff? Did he get fillers? He has lymphoma?

What? I thought that's pretty sad. I thought that was pretty sad. No, he was on the call like you, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. No, he got lip fillers now. Have you guys seen that? When he went up to space and came back down and...

Wait, he got lip fillers in space? And then he, like, came back with them? He went up to... Yeah. Ben should have gone up to space to get ass fillers. Ben should have gone to space because he's a bitch. Much better than Arkansas, for damn sure. But anyway,

he probably has also had body mod done to his asshole. Why didn't he get plugs? That's a good point. If he's getting fillers, he should get the plugs. Maybe he thinks the chrome dome is a powerful move. You know what? Yeah, that could be true. Look, exhibit A. Oh my god. look, I'm missing a few chromosomes.

Exhibit B. Would you fuck with either of the... Actually, I would fuck with you a lot. I think Jao could be pretty easy to fuck with. But this guy, I'm legitimately scared of. I'd probably put my finger in your belly button. I would not fuck with Caleb right now because I would think he's a toddler.

I would think that was maybe a little wrong. He has that disease where he's giant. He's just a giant. I project to be very tall one day, though. To answer your question, I think we have, until World War III, we have about 9 p.m., which is more or less when this show lets out, so you guys better laugh. Slide! I am sorry, but this is my theory.

This will happen. We have North Korea, Russia, and maybe China. Those are going to fight again, USA and other countries, about everything that is happening in Syria and all of that region. That's a good point. That region? That fucking Syria?

That region? I like maybe China. Like, maybe we that region. I like maybe China. Maybe we have China. Oh my god. Can we get this thumb off stage? I didn't do that. Why were they thumbs? That's not tech. You're thinking of beans.

Mighty beans. No, those are beans. They had bean bales on the back of their heads. We're not talking about spy kids. We're talking about tech decks, okay? No one said Spy Kids. Well, no, Spy Kids has got the giant walking thumbs. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know what? You got me there. No, Spy Kids had Christopher Walken, not the walking thumbs. Let me just bring up one really important point. Spy Kids has 99% on Rotten Tomatoes and is directed by Robert Rodriguez. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Can we get a little hand of applause? Thank you. For our POC content creator, please. Round of applause for Robert Rodriguez, I guess. Yeah, what the fuck? Can you just say anything and get a round of applause? Is that the thing? Can someone please like a Mexican like Robert Rodriguez?

They're down bad already. I don't need to explain myself. It's kind of an inside baseball thing with Latinos. We're sending them back to Spain quickly. Don't worry. Oh, yeah. And then someone responded and said, World War III would be awesome.

Yo, World War III is buzzing. It's going to be the funnest war. It's way different than the others. It'd be sick, dude. I feel like if I could be one day after getting drafted, I'd pretty much enjoy myself. Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, where would you go? Probably like North Korea? I'd just stay home. What are you talking about? What do you mean? I thought you said you were getting drafted. No, I wouldn't get drafted. If the draft age is 30 and I'm like 30

in one day, World War III is going to be pretty sick for me. No line at the movie theater and shit. You know what? Maybe World War III pretty tight. There's another word for it. It's called the purge.

No. The purge is not world... It's another movie. You do It's called The Purge. No. No. The Purge is not world... It's another movie. You do not respect those movies, Jacques. We're talking about geopolitics right now. That's right. We're talking about movies. Sorry.

Whoops. So anyway, the movie theater will be awesome. Fuck you. God damn it. They got me again. Saving Private Enby is going to be fucking great. Next slide, please. Number three, world loses oxygen for five seconds.

How does that happen? I can think of almost infinite things worse than that. Yeah. For six seconds. I would just hold my breath. For seven seconds. I think there's only two comments on this one.

Let me see what this first one is. I can hold my breath for 12 seconds. So I saw this and I thought it was funny because this person seems to be bragging a bit.

I can hold my breath for 12 seconds, but then they're quickly one-upped, if you'll hit the next slide. I could survive. I can hold my breath for two minutes.

So that's a lot more time, I would say. Two minutes is quite a while. Yeah, that could be a real... I have no idea what a minute is. I think it's a song. It is. I think it's a type of song. Because there's an ocarina of time.

There's like a... Oh, fuck. Nerd. Take that real tree off, you fucking nerd. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Why don't you go shoot a deer, you fucking real tree bitch? You just owned yourself

in front of so many people. That is probably... Shut up, man. This sucks. Slide! Number 10, aliens take over. I would chill with them. I'd probably smoke with them a little bit.

I would say, take me to your sea. Your motherfucker doesn't even smoke weed. Fuck you. I would smoke cigarettes with them. I was going to cry. I would introduce the aliens to cigarettes and see what the shit in cigarettes does to aliens. You'd give them American spirits and then you'd kill them with that. Those shits have like... Why are you so anti-American spirits, Max? You'd give them American spirits, and then you'd kill them with that. Those shits have like...

Why are you so disgusting? They're anti-American spirits, Max. You've been talking about them. I've known you for like 24 hours, and I've heard you talk about it like 15 times. Because, okay, we went out to this fucking bar on Sunday night when I got here from Spain. Someone handed me an American spirit, and the next day, I swear to God, I felt like I had smoked fiberglass. I felt like I had a hole in my lungs. It's because you're weak.

It sounds like a you problem. It sounds like an asthma. I have asthma, and I smoked six last night. No, it's because it's Babylon Ting, and it's not meant for human consumption. Max, you might want to try this thing called candy cigarettes. They're really good. They go down so easy, too.

I guess so. I was thinking antidepressants, but, I mean, candy cigarettes could work, too. Well, when the slide came up, you know, I was going to say there's a really good anti-Semitic joke to be made out of that, but then I realized I'm in New York, I'm in Brooklyn, and that's probably not going to fly here. So you guys can do that on your own and take that home with you. Anyway, slide.

What are you talking about? Aliens, take over. It's already happened. Okay. Oh, God. Maybe they would be nice if they are not. I would shot in the butt. I would shot it in the butt.

That was Patrick's actual comment. Patrick's reading comprehension level was perfectly matched with the writing level in that comic. The perfect amount of challenge. It took him a while to get half of it. But I got it. You did.

I can't knock you for that. There is still hope for Irish people. I wouldn't go that far. Next, please. Robot takeover. Again, there's another great anti-Semitic joke to be made out of this because take it home after.

Whatever joke is, it goes right over my head. It's a bit of a copycat. It's one robot, too. It's aliens takeover, robot takeover. There's a specific robot. There's one specific robot. It's RCP2.

This person's thinking of. RCP2? Whatever that is. What? The little prick. RCP2? The short Star Wars prick. The top robot from Star Wars.

We all know the one. C3PO's the bottom. R2D2's the top. Come on. I don't speak nerd or cunnilingus, so I don't know why. I'm trying to bridge a divide here, Jacques. We're providing a service to the community.

Oh, God. I am writing this off for community service hours. That is actually true. Next slide, please. Watch the SpongeBob episode, Crabborg. Oh, have a clear picture of it. That is a good point. If you want to be shaken to your core,, Crabborg. Oh, have a clear picture of it. That is a good point. Shake into your core.

Watch Crabborg. They make all U.S. presidents watch Crabborg before they enter office to make sure they're prepared. It's when they get into office. Sir, we have something to show you. This might happen. They remove the episode from all streaming platforms.

Crabborg? That's so sad. They don't want to fucking incite mass panic about robot takeover. The Gene Roddenberry estate was very pissed. Next, please. Like on The Matrix, that would just be so scary. Wasn't it aliens in The Matrix?

It's robots. Robots? It's squids. No, that was just Keanu Reeves. That's what he looks like. Honestly, The Matrix is one of the scariest movies ever. The Matrix is so cool. I saw that and I had to pause it.

My grandfather, I didn't see him from the age of 11 to 20. And then he moved in with my family. And when I saw him in the car, he was talking to me in the car, he told me that he watches The Matrix every year to keep himself grounded. That's fair. Yeah.

Probably why your family didn't see him for that eight or so years. Yeah, you know what? It explained a lot in so quick. He skipped ten years of watching The Matrix. Yeah. And he watched it once and he was like, I have to go home. I have to finally see my son. That's funny. I just watch

It's Complicated with Alec Baldwin every year to get there. Where the fuck is the connection there? Well, I'm just saying, your uncle watches The Matrix once a year to get right. I watch It's Complicated. And The Matrix is complicated. Well, you'm just saying, your uncle watches The Matrix once a year to get right. I watch It's Complicated featuring Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. And The Matrix is complicated. Yeah, well, you know what?

It's a computer program. Next, please. Because of this, use machinery carefully. It's very sound advice. Yeah. Yeah, be careful with machinery. How many people in the audience have family members that have lost limbs from machinery? No one?

Okay. Oh, this guy. Nice. Lucky. What? Lost his money. What part? One non-PMC Buckman in the audience, thank you very much for coming to this show.

What'd they lose? A bunch of fingers? Oh, a bunch of them. I'd be pissed. Yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry. This guy borrowed my dad's carpentry shop, and he cut his finger off while my dad was out of town, and instead of going to

the hospital, he was scared of my dad, so he cleaned up the blood first. Oh, no. And he got down to, like, the lowest BPM your heart can go without dying and then drove himself to the hospital. What? That's it. Wow.

Yeah, big props. I knew one guy who didn't have any fingers, and he worked at a paintball field, and everybody just, like, I got there, and they were like, oh, yeah, his name's Stubbs. And I was like, that's kind of fucking rude that's fucked up so I I walked up to him and I was like hey man like I'm sorry everybody like calls you Stubbs and he was like no Stubbs is great that's my grandpa used to play rec league soccer in the 60s in El Salvador uh this was like

the pre-woke period for El Salvador I guess they had this guy with Vitiligo on the team he was a great soccer player but nobody knew his real name they all called him Papel Con Caca which for the educated among you means soil toilet paper he was cool with it he loved it

there was another guy called Chinese Carlos but he was the only guy named Carlos on the team, so I don't really know. It just, like, asking in the locker, like, please, can I just be Carlos, guys? What do you mean, Chinese Carlos? You have a name already. Whom among us does not have a Chinese Carlos in their friend group?

Everyone has, like, the, you know. Yeah, we all have that one Chinese Carlos. You got to have the sex past. You got to have the nerd. You got to have the DSA guy. You got to have the Chinese guy. Yeah, of course. You got to have one of your friends who's on the DSMV5.

You got to have a friend in the army. The what? The DSMV. It's okay, Patrick. Don't worry about it. I almost got it. Y'all know what I did. You don't have anything that's okay, Patrick. Don't worry about it. Y'all know what I did. You don't have anything that's in that book.

You know the V is the five, right? That's a good point. Look, people say we're related, so you should feel just as unhappy about this as I do. Okay. Yeah, I pretty much knew that my entire life. This is why you should graduate high school. I'm just going to tell you right now.

This is exactly why you should graduate high school. I didn't. Next slide, please. Everybody commits suicide. That would suck. Yeah, this was the first one that I got to and I was like, yeah, it wouldn't be great, I guess. That'd be pretty bad.

No, R&B should have been number one. Yeah, I think this is the only time I ever voted on something on one of these fucking lists. I was like, that should be at the top, maybe. Next slide, please. I've thought about suicide, not of committing it, though. At 10, now I know life has purpose. So this is the most tortured but brave 10-year-old who's maybe ever lived.

And I wish him well. This guy overheard his parents talking about Terry Chaveau and was like... Because at 10 years old, you don't know what assisted suicide is. What? Did you all know what assisted suicide was at the tender age of 10? Are you fucking kidding me? They were assisting that I

commit suicide. Imagine how sad it would be to see everyone you know or love just commit suicide and also knowing that everyone else around the world are killing themselves. That would be sad. I believe this is the pitch for the happening. Yeah, I saw him a lot. I think this is the pitch for The Happening.

This is exactly what he said. M9, go ahead and tell us what you got. So, imagine how sad it would be to see everyone you know or love just commit suicide and also knowing that everyone around the world are killing themselves. That would be sad. That was the last pitch Harvey Weinstein ever got. So think about that. No, I'm just saying, think about that.

You don't have to laugh about it. I don't think about that often. Well, you don't think about anything at all. No, I'm just saying, think about that. You don't have to laugh about it. I don't think about that often. Well, you don't think about anything at all. No, that's true. The slide? That's very true. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. Too long to read.

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. Even today, I still think a lot about death and suicide. I write suicide stories and poems. I wonder if there is really a point to life. If there is, tell me. Is life worthless? Is there anything good that ever comes out of it? It's only a matter of time

before I begin to think about it myself. I already have. My fear of death, thanatophobia, is the only thing that could barricade my plans. And then somebody replies, I had the suicidal thoughts, I have the thanatophobia, and I ask the same thoughts. I have the thanatphobia. And I asked the same questions.

Pizza guy. Pizza guy is like... He got home from his shift at Domino's and was just like, oh, fuck. I've had the suicidal thoughts. This guy fucking knows. This guy knows exactly what I'm talking about. There's two types of pizza guy.

There's the guy that gets invited to fuck a milf after delivering a 12-inch pepperoni pizza. Then there's pizza guy. The existential pizza guy. You have a lot of time to think. I was reading this.

This pizza guy is like, I had the suicidal. He dominated them. He did it first. I already had this, like, you know, like, this pizza guy is, like, he's, like, I had the suicidal, like, he. Oh, he dominated. He did it first, yeah. Like, I already had those, man. Yeah. Fuck you.

Pizza guy is so rugged. Maybe pizza guy's on sniffies or something. Maybe this is one of your fuckers. Hey, pizza guy, if you're out there. Slide. I love an existentialist. Every country fell and turned into a huge river. I don't remember if I found any comments for this.

I just was like, that's fucking cool. The country's turned into a huge river. It's very creative. Yeah, what way do they mean fall? That's right. Fall where? Like the government falls? Or like Atlantis?

Maybe like one giant government, and they're like, ah, fuck it. We're turning into a river. It's time. That's what would have happened if Bernie was president. Sorry.

I know it's a sore subject here in Brooklyn. Oh my God. Ghost takeover. Oh, my God. Slide. Ghost takeovers. Yeah, so... That would maybe be the worst of all those, because you probably would know some of the ghosts. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you see your grandpa.

He's evil now. He's got red eyes now. Yeah, that would suck. Grandpa went to hell. Yeah, what the fuck is up with that? Why are ghosts evil in every single piece of literature? Say hello to Casper, Max. Casper is evil.

Casper was a sex pest. He's a friendly ghost, you stupid! He was too friendly. He was trying to get into some gash, dude. That's not evil. He was trying to make... He's a child, I think. Mr. Money Man over here.

That's why he was evil. Oh, Jeff Bezos over here. Fucking money isn't evil. Who did you point to? Not you. Not you, Realtree. Not you, long hair. Come on.

Long hair. Long hair. Jack called me the wrong name twice yesterday. Because I was so. He called me both of them. I was so tired. I slept two hours. Oh, I'm so tired. What did he call you? He called me Patrick and called me Cameron wrong name twice yesterday. Because I was so... You called me both of them. I was so tired. I slept two hours. Oh, I'm so tired.

What did he call you? He called me Patrick and called me Cameron. Oh, okay. At least it wasn't Calvin. And then called him Caleb. He was like, when's Caleb getting here? And I was like, I'm right in front of you, man. Oh, I was tired.

I had to leave Denver at 1120 and then fly to Miami and then to Newark. To Newark? Come on. I don't want to go there if I'm doing Sopranos shit. Next slide, please. Nibiru Cataclysm. Oh, that's going to happen. You might want to explain this one.

I don't know what that is. So Nibiru is a planet. It's planet X. It's the 10th planet in our solar system, which has a much wider orbit than the other planets. It's on a collision course with Earth. Eventually, it will come back and will collide with Earth. Also, there may or may not be aliens called Anunnaki that live on there.

They, yeah, they con. So, wait, wait. They gave Mesopotamians written language. She laughed because she knows. She knows the truth. So, everything else is like for sure, but also there may or may not be. It depends on who you ask. Okay, alright. I'm just checking. Isn't it

canon that Scooby-Doo is an Anunnaki? They made Scooby-Doo and Anunnaki in one of the Scooby-Doo movies. Oh, the one with the hot girl alien? I don't know. And the hot girl alien dog. I love Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Wait, which one? The hot girl alien? Are you talking about the vampires?

Crystal. Yeah, the one where they're in Arizona or whatever. We're watching the movie after. We're staying up all night watching. All right, next slide, please. We're skipping this Sweet Pulm of Selected. Oh, yeah, this is not real. It's just an idea used in Scooby-Doo.

I didn't realize they were the originators, but that's good to know, I guess. Next slide, please. It ends. And then someone just asked, what ends? Math guy three. Math guy wants to know what the fucking limit is. Yeah, it's a fair point.

Pizza guy and math guy should call up. That's a guy who thinks about infinite number shit. Obviously, you can only count up to 37. I'm aborting this. Next slide, please. I'm not sure how many more there are. Oh, yeah. This is a literal nightmare.

People, buckle up. This will happen. The government will drop a gas. I do think this is the last entry on the entire list. Microplastics. You guys ever heard of... PFA's in the sparkling water? You guys ever heard of the impossible burger?

Why do you think gay people like sparkling water so much? Open your third eye. What am I currently consuming that is going to make me gay? What do you think? Poppers? Okay, well, first of all, like the... Yeah, that's fair. I need to stop doing that.

I think the first thing is the length of your shorts is going to be the first thing to tip you over. I feel like this made me straight. I feel like that's exactly what this does. But that's the thing. That's what gay people want. So you're just already pushing yourself right towards the gay people. I'm really fucking myself up. We've taken several steps to make you guys gay.

We've been microdosing you guys with Molly for the past several weeks. Oh, my God. That makes a lot of sense. Every night when you're sleeping, we put Believe by Cher on a loop. Yeah. With Thunderstorm at the same time playing, so it kind of blends in. It's been about two weeks. It's a month-long treatment.

I think about at this point in time, they're strictly bisexual. But yeah, by August, you guys should all be... You guys were M-Gay-Ultra-ing us? Read your book. Read your book. And then I think there's only one comment I have here, and it is... Oh, no, there's a couple. If this happened, then gays would probably still have sex

with lesbians for the sake of keeping the population of humanity alive, because they would have to do it, even if it would be more awkward for them. It would be like paying taxes. An annoying thing that everyone has to do, but nobody wants to, except with sex. So yeah, that would be really weird.

But he has some news for this guy about heterosexual relationships. Obviously this guy doesn't know about the one thing about lesbians is that they don't have sex with men. I also think this guy really spent a long time thinking about it. This is the result of a sociology class.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Next slide. This might be the last one. Yeah. Wow. No. This might be the last one. Yeah. Wow. No. This is a gay person fantasy. This is literally like something you type in on Pornhub.

Everyone becomes gay. It's like the one video that's left. This sounds like a translated, like, J-A-V video title. Wow. No, this is a gay person fantasy. J-A-V video title. Wow. No, this is a gay person fantasy.

No, you joke, but this is literally what the titles are like in Spain for Spanish Pornhub. It is so fucked up. Really? Yeah. Hold that up. It changes where you are.

In El Salvador, it's all MS-13, gay fantasy, whatever. Oh my God. Kind of fucked up. But in Spain, it's all like, what if everyone was gay?

Over here, it's like penis boy huffs poppers. That's all over your couch. Oh, yeah. We were looking the other day. That was for me. Oh, yeah. You have to, if you have the free time, you have to go to Pornhub and just search clown getting fucked. Yeah.

One of the best searches of all time. The titles of those videos are nuts. It's so sick. Or just wait around until Chapo Trap House comes on stage. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. That is the end of the list. So, yeah, I did my job.

Yeah. Yeah. I've definitely done mine. You fucker. I don't know if that was directed at me, but I picked up. We're all running a train on Jacques. Sorry for the spoilers. I wish they would trade me out on

football. What? You know, like football teams. They trade players out to other teams. Oh, yeah. What team do you want to go to? It'd be funny if you got traded from Seeking Arrangements to the Atlanta Falcons. That'd be really good, I think.

Saints. You'd crush it. Oh, true, yeah. I would love to be a football player. The Apes? Saints, bitch. Come on. The Apes?

The Apes. The team called The Apes? The New Orleans Apes? Okay, okay, whatever. Are you guys going to make us leave? Yeah, get off the stage. Okay. Thank you.

Get off the stage. Get off the stage. In the meantime, while we're swapping out, we have a sequel. Ben has sent us another video trying to explain his absence here. He won't shut the fuck up. This guy is an Iowan. Roll tape, fellas. Hit the lights.

I'm going to punch him. Hey, y'all. Hit the lights I'm gonna punch him Hey y'all Before I get to it today I'm just gonna say I know The risks of speaking freely

In this country I know they cancel culture And I don't care Alright I don't If you're on Facebook live And you're watching this And you got a problem

With what I gotta say And you're gonna tell my boss Guess what I don't care If you're on Facebook Live and you're watching this, and you got a problem with what I gotta say, and you're gonna tell my boss, guess what? I don't care. Get me fired. I don't like working for money anyways. The guy's a dick, alright? I don't fucking care. But I've been

seeing a lot of gay guys around here. A lot, alright? I'm just like, man, what are you doing? What are you doing, man? What about New York or Chicago? Get out of here. There ain't nothing here for you. Ain't nothing here for you. In New York, you can do stuff. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking out loud, but you could go on a little date with your boyfriend, you know. Go down to the park

and get on one of them little boats they got. You know, old time boat with some you know, artisanal oars, really charming and rustic. You know, maybe bring an assortment of crostinis for you two. And a nice and bright melon and prosciutto salad.

With a basil garnish, maybe. You know, I don't know. Just saying, just spitballing. I don't even know what half that stuff is. Maybe a chilled dry rosé, you know? I'm just saying. It'd be a nice date for some people. But, you know, I don't know.

You're a gay guy. You're watching this. You want to get the hell out of here? I want you to get the hell out of here, too. I'm sick of seeing you. Come on over. Blondes. Little frame.

Abercrombie wearing. I'll help you get out of here. You know, I was looking into it, though. New York's a little pricey for you, probably. I do real estate. I'm a little real estate guy, too. New York's a little pricey Chicago's a little dangerous For you little ones

Minneapolis though You know They got Nicki coming through Taylor Swift's there You know T-Swift's showing up To the party Even you know like Angel Olsenift's showing up to the party.

Even, you know, like Angel Olsen. You can see her. You're into Angel Olsen, little gay guy. You can see her in Minneapolis, I'm sure. They ain't here. They ain't coming through here. I know that much. I'll check. Come on over, you know.

Bring your friends. You can bring some friends. I got a truck. Lay you down on the truck bed. Take you to Minneapolis. Six or eight of you. Twelve of you. Hell. I got a truck. Lay you down on the truck bed. Take you to Minneapolis. Six or eight of you. Twelve of you. Hell, I don't care.

Stack you back. Not sit in the front with me. Sit in the back in the truck bed. But, you know, we can stack you. I don't know. Dick to ass, maybe. Probably into that. But bottoms only.

Bottoms only. You know, we'll put you in there. In a different configuration. Maybe we could do like a double dildo. Put half of it in you and put the other half of it in your buddy and then you're stuck together real compact so we can put a lot of you in there. That could work, you know.

Hey, hell, 14 little blondes in my truck. Get the hell out of my town. You know, hit me up. It could work. Let me know. Y'all, give it up for the Baby Blues.

All jokes aside, we really miss Ben. You want to cue the music? Yeah, let's go. I'll cue the music for the boys. It's time for Will and Felix to come out. Come on, chop ball, chop out ball. Yeah, welcome. Hello, hello.

What's up, Littlefield? Welcome to the sexperimentation chamber. All of our orgone energy will be collected at the end of the night, so just if you have orgone energy, please, please don't spend it now. Donate it at the end of the night. Look under your seats. There's going to be a very small thimble cup. I expect you all to fill it.

Wish you all could look under your seats and there'd be a bottle of poppers under every single seat. Oh, God, that would have been a great party favor. See, this is why we need to join heads together before the show. This would have been awesome. The Seeking Derangements branded popper. Seeking Derangements branded popper that gives you brain cancer. Deringemans branded popper. Seeking Deringemans branded popper that gives you, like, brain cancer. It says, actually, plutonium 235.

This bathhouse in Denver has their own brand of poppers, and they literally just give you the worst headache and immediately make you fall. I've been trying poppers. Like, I know it's a gay guy thing, but, like... I just do it for fun I've been trying it and all the food I cook in it tastes terrible

You guys like this? You have to carbolize it It's like weed I used to keep a poppers bottle in front of my DJ booth so people could walk up and use it and a cis woman walked up one time and grabbed it and opened it up and was about to pour it into her mouth and I slapped it

out of her hands and I said, you owe me poppers, bitch. Well, I'm sure everybody in that show had a lovely time and none of them had to go to the hospital for brain aneurysms or whatever. Before I moved to Spain, I moved there in November and I had a

bottle of poppers in my closet, in the back. I huffed it one time and it gave me the worst headache. I thought I was going to die. I lived with my parents at the time and I was like, oh, fuck. How do I get rid of this fucking bottle of paint thinner, basically, or a thimble full of

cancer carcinogens, right? And so I thought, okay, well, probably the best course of action would be to flush them down the toilet, which did not end well. I mean, like, all those fish are going to, like, really be able to fuck each other. Well, no, the problem was that immediately afterwards, I walked in, I tossed that shit in the

toilet. Immediately, my asshole grew to about the size of just a watermelon. To that guy's asshole we were talking about earlier. Yeah, yeah. It looked like a Sniffy's asshole. And yeah, I thought I was going to die like elvis on the

fucking toilet uh real dire shit you'd be so lucky oh yeah that actually is how elvis died colonel tom parker gave him bad poppers just so he could have better bms and cause an aneurysm in his head it was his parting gift from when he was in the army in the 50s. That would be like a D.B. Cooper thing. Because they would find you, just like your asshole, more open than it's ever been. And you'd be like, oh my god, my son's dead. But he was the Goatsy guy. I solved that mystery. Ma'am, I'm sorry. It's your son.

He had to be recognized by the medical examiner by his asshole record. The coroner pulls just the sheet to show his ass. He says, it's your son's ass. No, seriously, I'm impressed. I mean, have you ever seen anything like this? By the way, your son's over here. I just wanted to show you this

before we did this bit of unpleasantness. Dear son, this release, we've got to have this. Science must progress because of your son's death. His legacy cannot end here in this morgue. I wish coroners were more chatty. I'll tell you that much. I wish we had a chatty mortician. Like, you know,

when they take you to the room and it's like a window and they're just like, okay, we're going to pull the sheet back right now. I'm like, pull it back and it's like some sort of prank and they're just like,

you should see the look on your face. Well, they tried having a chatty mortician. Have you guys seen the documentary, the 2011 documentary named Bernie

with Jack Black? Oh, no. I thought you... Oh, no, the 2011 documentary named Bernie with Jack Black. Oh, no. I thought the movie where he plays that guy in Texas who murdered that woman. And then basically the whole town was like, hey, well, we all like him. So, yeah, I mean, she was kind of a bitch. Yeah. Bernie is like you did us all a favor. And you know what?

You give her a great funeral. It's what she would have wanted. And they sent this motherfucker to jail. Can you imagine that? He eventually did get out of prison for murdering a woman, which in Texas is like, God, he got off the ledge. That's not even a crime in Texas. Have you seen Dr. T and the women?

That's the kind of women they have in Texas. One less of them is not going to tip the, you know, tip the scales very much. No, but, like, as a condition of his parole when he got out, he actually had to stay with Richard Linklater. Like, Richard Linklater, like, told his PO officer, like, yes, like, the place he'll stay is my house in Austin. That was the original, like, post-credit sequence. Like, gay people were, like, just invented that before Marvel. Marvel has like stolen so much stuff from like POC, queers, Jews, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.

And it's just, you know, if there's one lesson to be learned from the seeking derangements of is, yeah, just whoever's in charge of Marvel needs to... Die, simply. I was going to put it in a much more delicate manner. Needs to turn the ignition in their car and wait for a couple of seconds while the spark goes off

and the brick of Semtex just, you know. I mean, Black Widow wasn't that bad. Come on. Captain, or Wonder Woman 1984 was the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. No, no. I thought it was pretty good. But I guess that's not even Marvel. That's DC.

It was, there was a lot of cool stuff in there. It was like, you know, what if a woman was alive in the 80s? I was like, what if? Yeah. What if Kristen Wiig turned into a cat yeah what if Kristen Wiig was slightly less annoying oh by the way

just a little update from the first half of the show you guys were referencing the movie with the sexy lady alien I believe you were talking about Species with Natasha Henstridge. Okay, all right. I just wanted to just set the record straight. Of course.

We're talking about Species and Species 2 starring Natasha Henstridge. Well, I'd like to thank you boys for coming on. I'm not sure if you guys have noticed, but there's queer history being made in politics today. At this very moment. Don't clap. It's not good history. Don't clap.

If someone's clapping for Caitlyn Jenner, escort them out immediately. Okay. I don't know if you've heard, but noted Democrat failure, gacked up Gavin Newsom, has been, has been, turned California into a shambles. He's the sole reason why the outside looks like everyone's been smoking a little bit of that K2. Gavin Newsom is solely responsible for the reason our sunsets here in New York have been so spectacular this last week.

Yeah, you guys have been vaping on that vaporized bear and woodland creature pack. I thought it was like this because people vape here so much. No, it's actually so many people vape in California. It travels across the continent and gives this wonderful glow to the evening redness in the West.

All the samples that Felix loves and all the woodland creatures whose Instagram accounts he shills on are in danger because of, specifically, Gavin Newsom. So there's this very important and historic sequel to the 2001 recall election,

or 2003 recall election in California, where enough white women have had SSRIs and or uppers to the point where they have decided, you know what, we want to try and do it over again. Try something new. Try something new. So the field is pretty packed of people who think, I can do a better job than a guy who looks like he was

like, who looks like one of the clone, like one of the Ripley clones from Aliens. Gargoyle Gavin. Yeah, Gargoyle Gavin. So, there's a lot of them. There's a lot of, you know, your share of MAGA people and your share of, you know, people who have

too much, you know, prescription medication in their house, people who have been adversely affected by illegalized marijuana. Like me. Like our good friend Jacques and also like our good friend Jacques, a queer gender individual we all know and love, Caitlyn Jenner. Who is, I think, the front runner. Yeah, give it up for Caitlyn. Yeah, give it up for Caitlyn. Let's cheer so loud that we wake the woke right now. That's right.

Wake the woke was Caitlyn's sort of campaign announcement. She said, we are going to wake the woke. Yes. Which, if you think about it for a second, is rather an odd phrase. Yeah. No, I mean, Caitlyn Jenner is going to wake the woke, but you can't wake that child she ran over a few years ago. Well, I like R.I.P. I would like to have a governor who understands that it's scary and hard to drive.

The thing that's kept me from buying a car, and the only reason to stay alive is you have a new big thing you can buy. And the reason I haven't done it is I'm afraid of killing someone behind the wheel, either because I want to or, like, accidentally. And, like, she did it. And she's like, no, you just go on with your life. And I think that's, like, a good message. Everyone makes mistakes.

Her, Brandy, you know, there's so many people who just kill people in their cars. Well, I mean, but, like, you can't just kill someone with a car anywhere in the country. If you would like to do vehicular manslaughter and get away with it, it has to be in Southern California, and you have to already be a celebrity. Yes. Because like, Caitlyn got away with it. John Landis did a helicopter homicide. Of course.

And he got away with it. He didn't go to jail. So yeah, if you're a celeb, you can do pretty much anything. It also has to be a POC. Because what's his name? Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Matthew Broderick. Matthew Broderick.

Matthew Broderick killed a POC in Northern Ireland, an Irish person, on vacation. Wait, wait, wait. And got off Scott's plane. Wait, just like, do you know the Matthew Broderick vehicular manslaughter incident? I mean, just like, what are the odds of killing, like killing the only non-white person in Northern Ireland? It was like, you might as well run over your car, like hit a dodo bird with your car and kill it. Well, every person in Northern Ireland is non-white. They're black Irish.

Thank you. You said it. It's about time we found this. Read your books. Stay woke. Is there a chance of like, you know, it's sort of like a spec script or something or like how Brad Pitt got discovered at a gas station. Like you do an accidental like vehicle killing

that's like so cinematic and you look so good doing it that then you become a star after that and then they let you off like during your trial. Like on the news report. Like I'm so sorry I hit that person and I just, you know, I want you to remember me. That's also how Alice from Queens got famous.

Who? Who? Don't worry about it. That was for like five people in the audience and like one person who's listening to the recorded podcast. I mean, like, I'm certainly not the first person to point this out, but like the Caitlyn Jenner car accident, like that happened after she announced to the world who she really is.

And I mean, there's, you know, it rhymes there. She announces to the world that I am a woman, and then the first thing she does is kill someone with a car. Yeah, you know what? She's just trying to fit in. Yeah. She's really trying to sell it. I mean, she asked for directions before she ran over that person. You can say whatever you want about Caitlyn Jenner, but she is a fantastic saleswoman.

Absolutely. Yeah, I bought it, for sure. Did she apologize? I buy it. I would hope so. I kind of want to vote for her if she didn't apologize. She's like, yeah, I did it. So what?

You know, it's really funny. Speaking of the recall election, my local assembly member in Roseville, California, Pleasure County. Woo! Oh, my God. It was like, yeah, don't worry about it. It's this guy called, oh, God, Kevin Kiley. Two Ks.

He's just missing one, folks. Oh, my God. He's this guy who, I swear to God, has had surgery. I wish I had photographic evidence to show you boys and ladies. But he literally looks like he's had, like, a version of FFS, but to look like Marco Rubio. Like, you know how some people, like, you know, to look like Marco Rubio. You know how some people,

they turned 27 and they started balding and they were like, I've got to get plugs. This guy turned 27, still had enough hair in his head and he was like, I've got to find a way to rip some of it off to look like Marco Rubio. His campaign website is hilarious. You know how campaign websites usually have some sort of vague lie about what they're going to do once they're in office? I don't know, Medicare

for All or building a wall in the southern border or I don't know, restart the draft, shit like that. This guy's campaign website is 95% just bitching about the DMV.

He basically broke the news that they have a secret DMV office in the state capitol just for politicians so they can skip the line. I love that. It's awesome. I want to be a part of that.

That makes me want to get into politics. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, like, if we want the best and brightest to run for office and, like, take a part in our civic life, you're going to have to provide certain perks that the private sector never can. Because, like, you know, if you go into the corporate world, you've got a private fucking jet. They all want to get Bohemian Grove. I don't think they should get greedy and ask for a secret DMV office. They all want to get their fucked children in, in like the Redwoods, you know?

Yeah, they like, I mean, the secret DMV office doesn't seem like that big of a deal because it's like, yeah, you like get to be friends with like Ball and Mephisto. Yeah. It's not as bad as their secret Alamo draft house. People crouching like, I'm so sorry. But I mean, it was like, you know, if you're in the private sector, like obviously you'll be making like a thousand times more money. You can like, you know, go to Bohemian Grove. You can bring kids with your car.

You can do whatever you want. But like the one thing that they can't offer you is like VIP service at the DMV. Absolutely not. Because it is a great equalizer that everyone, no matter who you are, at some point, if you want to drive a car, are going to have to deal with the DMV. I think it's to attract people away from the private

sector, we've got to offer the boutique DMV service to inter-party members. The one DMV office in the entire state of California that isn't entirely manned by room-temper temperature BMI women with biracial children. I'll say this though and I don't even

drive. I've never driven a car in my life and I have to go. You've only been hit by that. I've only been hit by four cars on a bike and one on foot but On your way out of here you're going to get hit by one of those like pedal bars. I'm lucky, honestly.

The first day I got to New York, I tried to go roller skating. And I made it like maybe... Roller skating, you said. Roller skating. Okay, not blading. No, not blading. That's for facts. Come on, wake up.

Wake up, people. Roller blades are out. Roller skates are in. Anyway, I go like five... Return to tradition. I go to the end of the block basically and I get really close to like traffic and my wheel falls off

and I immediately my wheel falls off one of the wheels and I just immediately like fall over jocks roller skate is just one big wheel not like that one guy on twisted metal you know but I nearly fell into traffic and thank god Not like that one guy on Twisted Metal, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I nearly fell into traffic, and thank God I didn't die almost again from vehicular attempted homicide.

Gosh, what would we do with that beautiful, sensitive Jacques? Can you imagine? I'd have to come up here and fill a time. I'd have to lie about getting paid in cake for sex work. They told me there'd be a cake backstage at the Green Room, and I haven't seen a fucking slice. I'm keeping all the money from this show, by the way. I'm keeping door and drinks and all that.

We're paying Jacques in bagels and lox. They gave me a handful of caramel corn at the beginning of the show. Jacques, could you explain the provenance of this hat that you got me? I mean, you got all of us. It wasn't just me.

He got all of us hats. But this is a special sort of chopper-related hat. This is the Whitman Gray Wolves. This is the Turkish terrorist organization filtering. Well, it's all a matter of perspective. Well, this is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking Gray Wolves got tired of their terrorist regime, and they retired to Denver.

But, I mean, I think these are from, like, Ohio or something. Anyway. Of course they would retire to Ohio. Yeah, and they just opened, you know, I don't know what this wolf is doing besides drinking a beer and looking cool. Yeah. He's a former terrorist. He's not a terrorist anymore.

It's a wolf, like, on a deck chair, and he's, like, laying back with a big mug of beer, and he's loving life here. Yeah. I'm assuming it's, like, a deck chair, and he's laying back with a big mug of beer, and he's loving life here. I'm assuming it's like a landscaping business. You go to terrorism, and then you want to get out, you do landscaping. I thought it was even more wholesome. I thought it was like the mascot for a summer camp for disabled children or something. That would be extra fitting.

It's like, I've got our fan base entirely covered. Extra fitting. I got our fan base entirely covered. It's also hilarious to think about a bunch of camp counselors for a special education camp drinking beer, sitting back in a beach chair, and that's their counseling. They're not special needs. They're just Armenian. Bringing it back home. Well, you know, it's like when your plane crashes or it's about to, right?

Oh, my God. They're like, you should put your mask on first before you help other people. So it's like if you're at the summer camp to help people, you should put on the non-plane mask, the version of oxygen we have for when we're not on a plane, beer. Of course. How can you help anyone if you're, like, all tense? I mean, I'm going to put my mask on and immediately turn to the person sitting next to me and say, you should have been nicer. I'm not saving them. Fucking, like, encroaching on my elbow space, will you?

Enjoy the North Atlantic at 500 miles an hour, why don't you? This woman sat in the same row as me, but no one in between us on the way here. And she was decked out in an Israelian pride necklace. Israelian pride. That was the less well-received OutKast album. She's got the flag, and she's just going on. I literally heard her talking about something, about

saying negative about Palestine. Of course, I look up on YouTube the Palestinian National Anthem and played it on loop until she traded seats. That's how I got the road to myself for the way here.

If you guys want a pro tip, That's how I got the road to myself for the way here. Yes. If you guys want a pro tip, what you want to do is you got to fly through Miami and have a six hour layover, red eye layover, and then fly up here on like the cheapest frontier flight. Wink. Okay. Pro tip.

Give Israel back to Palestine. That is a pro tip. Sure tip Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah Let's give it up for Palestine, y'all Give it up for Palestine and the Gray Wolves Great place I love Birthplace of Jesus It all started there

It's pretty cool It's really cool how I was raised extremely Catholic. My parents are extremely Catholic freaks. They took me to Mass all the fucking time. They took me to church group. Like, I was boys with all the, like, Nights at Columbus guys. Like, I went to flip pancakes for pancake breakfast.

That was a fun time. The point is, there's a lot of, like, Palestinian Catholics that just love, like, Israel for some stupid reason. They're like, yeah, fucking step on me. I fucking love that shit. They love getting tear gassed and less than lethal rounded to the head. It's psychotic.

That's how I got ready for the show. I have to think of pepper spray in a brown paper bag. Yeah, you have a pepper spray vape. You actually keep pepper spray on your DJ set just in case they don't want to come up and just spritz themselves a little bit. I did spray myself in the face with pepper spray

in eighth grade right before my girlfriend's party, her birthday party. And I was just sitting there like, happy birthday. This is great. Like pouring milk into my eyes at a Lebanese restaurant. Okay, here's the most embarrassing thing I can think of, too, ever, so I can tell an audience. This same girlfriend. Nothing that's ever stopped you before., so I can tell an audience. This same girlfriend.

Nothing that's ever stopped you before. Yeah, I have no dignity left. So I learned on the guitar the gayest song ever to play to this girl. This is the first day of my life by Bright Eyes. And sung it out loud to her. This same girl got hit in the head with a baseball at a baseball game

and had a dramatic brain injury. So now you guys know what talk is bisexual. After we dated, okay? She's like a character in a Mark Kozilek song. I wonder where Ellie is today. She's like a character in a Mark Kozilek song I wonder where Ellie is today She's right here

Come on stage This is your life Yeah if it was a Mark Kozilek song If it was like a Red House Painters song Mark Kozilek would have retconned it to be like on purpose Like it would have been like a Praise song to like some slugger to be like, this guy is so fucking good,

he can hit a home run and hit this stupid bitch right in the head. Send her out to the fucking hospital where she belongs. Oh, God. Right to the moon, Alice. Do you guys remember War on Drugs, Suck My Cock?

Yeah, that was awesome. What a banger. That guy blacked out of the booth for that one. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Mark Kozilek is like a 68-year-old indie folk indie guy. And there was another band

of 73-year-old men called War on Drugs and they went up before Kozilek was supposed to. And he was like, oh, I know what I'll do. And he made a folk diss song that's called War on Drugs

Suck My Cock. Banger. War on Drugs and Red House Painters are the two indie bands whose band members are old enough to not be able to... physically impossible for them to molest 17 year olds at concerts yeah

good point there they don't have like the tech aptitude that like Jesse Lacey had yeah I mean like Matt Mondenal had like real estate had a residency at Terminal 5, and Matt Mondinal had a residency the night after at the NYU dormitories.

I virtually know zero of the names that y'all have said in the last 30 minutes or two years. Shout out to DuckTales. That guy's, like, a big RedScare guy now. It's really funny. Who? Yeah, I don't know. DuckTales, the guy from real estate who got cancelled for like sexting 17-year-olds is now like just a massive RedScare dude. It rocks. I mean,

God bless. Someone's gotta be. Oh my God. Everyone needs a subreddit to post on. Exactly. Max is gonna say this and then we get trampled later in the night. We're going to be murdered by Red Scare fans. I have faith in him

because I was supposed to be the head mod of r slash Red Scare for straight guys, straight white men or whatever. Such a crybaby still. But then he took it

away from me. It sucks. I would have taken it away from you too. Actually, yeah. Probably for the best to be honest. I would take a lot

from you yeah yeah yes probably my whip number one you're very scared of that yeah

do not spare the lash when dealing with Jacques yeah it's really hard because like you have to whip Jacques and you have to whip away the people

who are like trying to have sex with him and trying to keep him pure for the yellow king spoilers away the people who are trying to have sex with them. You're trying to keep them pure. For the yellow king. Spoilers for the end of the show, boys. Just form an orderly queue. That's all we're asking.

Make space in the aisles, folks. It's going to be a doozy. Dear God. Fuck. There's another thing that I wanted to ask you guys about and bring you guys on about because we recently had, or you, sorry, I tell you we, but it's rather you. You freaks recently had a primary

for the mayoral election, right? Yeah. And you guys had a stacked field. You had Paperboy Love Supreme. I was going to leave him for last. Yeah, actually, I was going to leave him for last I was with my family

this past weekend and my mom actually got really mad at me because I said, who did you rank? and I was like, Paperboy Love Supreme and she was like, stop it! Paperboy is number one and she said, who did you put after Paperboy Love Supreme? and I was like, no one, fuck these goofies

I would vote for Paperboy just based on his TikToks. Before I knew he was a politician, I saw his TikToks. It's really a shame that the New York mayor... The mayoralty is such a thankless job.

It's useless as a... It's like a concrete diving board. It's impossible to really launch yourself from there to greater things. You sit in Gracie Mansion or in front of the press, and you just sit with your legs as wide open as possible, and then a line of people just kick you in the nuts all day long. Yeah. And then sometimes 9-11 happens, and you get to be remembered as a hero,

but barring that, there's no upside whatsoever. You have to pay the piper anyway, because even the guy who is lucky enough to have 9-11 happen and was like, you know, beloved like you have like you. He lost out on like eight years of disrespect he was supposed to get. And now he's like probably like the least respected man in America. Right. Like nobody every week, Every week, it's just like, oh yeah, one of his testicles fell out of his pant leg, and he ate it.

He was walking by, and he just kind of opened the side of his legs. Yeah, his AstroTurf plugs were falling apart. I mean, but far worse than having his testicles roll out of the cuff of his pants on TV, melting on television, getting his law license revoked, just generally being one of the most hated men alive. Like, all of that pales in comparison to what is going to be the spectacle of his unbelievable idiot son, Andrew, running for governor of New York. Oh, my God, yes.

Yeah. Let's give it up for Andrew Giuliani. Oh, I just got it. We're talking about Andrew Giuliani. Yes, yes. God, it took me so long. Andrew Giuliani, he's running for governor of New York, essentially to wake up the woke.

So that his dad will be respected again. Yeah. He's going to wake the woke in New York City. That's funny, Rudy Giuliani having respect again. Come. He's going to wake the woke in New York City. That's funny. Rudy Giuliani having respect again. Come on. Give me a break. We have... Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

We're getting the light here, and we have a very special surprise for you boys. We have another message from... Sorry, my wires got a little crossed earlier. It's not a message directly from Ben. It's from his cousin. His closeted cousin Jammin. Back up. Come on, boys.

Get out of Ben's way. Ben typically tells me to get out of the way all the time. And just like that, I knew it would happen. I knew y'all would try to cancel me for making this video. You know, y'all are calling my double dildo idea gay, which I don't know what's gay about a man

trying to rid his town of homosexuals or what's gay about knowing how to fit other men together spatially. You know, for optimizing the space. You know, y'all got me razzled up. You know, I'm kind of pissed. Because this is just backfiring in my face, you know. I mean, Monty heard, now Monty thinks I'm gay, and I'm not gay.

I'm just saying I'm sick of seeing these guys around here. I'm thinking about them all the time because they're around constantly, and I'm just up here, you know, fuming, and I made a diagram to show y'all that, you know, look, many great men in history have had to understand how men fit together. I'm just another one of them as far as I'm concerned. But I got this diagram. This is me.

I'm in my truck. And these are the little guy guys in the back. You can see them bumping up. It ain't going to be like that. I'm going to have a cover so you won't be able to see nothing. Door locked. You know, they're not going anywhere. But just for a dramatizational thing and yeah i'm smiling because yeah i'm

smiling because i'm happy these gays aren't going to be my town anymore and this here is a bird's eye view of the truck bed all right you can see their butts are connected by the double dildo and people are are connected by the double dildo. And people are like, what's a double dildo? It ain't my fault you never heard of it before. It's common knowledge. Most people know what that is. And that's just one layer.

You know, I'm thinking we're going to get two or three layers. And people keep being like, oh, well, don't kidnap them. I'm not kidnapping them. They're smiling too. They're coming voluntarily. They don't want to be here. Ain't nothing here for us. Them.

Ain't nothing here for them. So you know what? I'm going to go through with my idea. Go to Minneapolis. Fuck this town. All right. I'd like to invite our beautiful guest,

Pot About List. Thank you. Pot About List to come back on stage. We have a special little game for everybody. Some audience participation. Oh, fuck. Whose microphone is that? Long-time fans of the podcast may know.

When did Jacques change outfits? Right just now. During that video. That was sick. I didn't even know. Don't worry about it. You look like the devil. Yeah.

I am the devil. People, that's what they call me. So long-term fans of the show may know Jacques routinely drops little nuggets of lore about their very fucked up childhood and upbringing. And we always think, well, this could have happened. This could have been the thing that turned the Joker into the Joker. You know what I mean?

This could have been what turned Harvey Dent into Two-Face. This could have been what turned Hitler into, well. So it's kind of a miracle that John turned out to be such a beautiful and angelic little being. What could have turned Hitler into the CEO and president of Marvel Films? Yeah. So could you please cue for a slide? Let me explain this game because Max has failed to explain it.

No, hang on, hang on, hang on. So we're going to have some prompts here, right? I want you all to, like, some of these happen to people who have committed several atrocities or perhaps are public figures today that had, like, particularly troubling childhoods or perhaps are public figures today that had particularly troubling childhoods or perhaps shock. Or the Joker. Or that fucking Joker. Wait, this one's got to be the Joker, right?

Yeah, I mean, that would make him turn into the Joker. They made him live in a laugh shack. He's explaining this so slow. I've got to interrupt Max. He's going to give me an aneurysm on stage. The game is to guess if this is something about me or about a serial killer or

hardcore criminal. Right. So we're going to guess. Or the Joker. Did I or did a murderer or serial killer or an expert criminal? Or the Joker. Show of hands. This person was forced to live in a shack behind their house.

Show of hands if you think this happened to a very fucked up individual who may have bodies on their belt. Isaac Brock? Okay. Oh, my God, Modest Mouse. Lady in the back. Who is it? Who do you think it is?

He's killed so many. Unabomber. Okay. You're right. This is Jacques. A person forced to live in a shack behind their house. I thought this was Max's gay son. Guess where I'm learning

all these valuable parenting tips. Me and my dad built the shack together. And at the end of it, at the end of it, he said, okay, you have to live in it now. Oh my God, fuck me. And it had electricity,

but it didn't have a bathroom. And they would let me come in for the bathroom, but only if it was before 7 a.m. What happened to you? You get two dumps a week. You can urinate as freely as you want, but two dumps a week. This is how very often an old woman

who lived next door would see me showering with the hose in the backyard. Oh, God. How long was your sentence in the shed? I lived there for six months. Oh, that's not that bad. That's just camping at that point. No, no, after the shack, then I was homeless.

I fucked up the shack. So it got worse from there. And then I got homeless. I think the shack is only just like a blip. This is when I smoked legal weed. Do we remember legal weed? K2? Yeah, that's exactly right.

Let's give it up for K2, folks. Give it up for K2 Spice. That shit made me so scared of my dog. Next slide. Let's get this. Yeah, this is the fucked up individual we're talking about here. Damn it. I knew it.

This person briefly attempted a stand-up comedy and was so bad Damn it, I knew this. This person briefly attempted a stand-up comedy and was so bad at it, they received a TBI from all the bottles thrown at the stage. This is Caleb. It's gotta be Caleb. I don't know what TBI is. This is Idi Amin.

This is how he got into all the stuff that he later got into. This is Jim Carrey. This has gotta be the Joker, man. Okay, slide. Oh! There he goes! He loves that movie. You can tell by the way he dresses.

Point to pal. Oh yeah, there's points here and whoever wins gets to be the top in the post-show orgy. This person was told by their mother that their father died in an accident on a lake and then was sent to their neighbor's house to play video games. Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy didn't have video games.

Yeah, Ted Bundy was born in like 1951. You heard of a time machine, bitch? Come on, wake up. Barron Trump. I'm so happy that's... The answer to this one is me about nine months ago. This is... R.I.P.

I think this may be another character from history who some people consider a freedom fighter, some consider a villain, but this is Santa Claus. And that moment, playing video games at the neighbor's house he was like well this is awful but every kid should have this

I mean you know Paperboy is a game about giving yeah alright can we get a slide can we get the reveal it's funny because when I went backstage I thought about putting that on I said I should put the red thing on instead

alright slide can we go back to that slide for a second It's funny because when I went backstage, I thought about putting that on. I said I should put the red thing on instead. All right, slide. Can we go back to that slide for a second? Is that a sort of collage of Pokemon and Wii? Break it down right here. We've got a Nintendo 64 Rosary, a piece of Bismuth, which is in the pink stuff. Pepto-Bismol. And then we've got Fave from Cowboy Bebop. Hell yeah. Kalanipan. Jellyfish and Grindr logo.

Is that a McDouble on top? Lakers. That's a single. No, it's a single. It's a single. That's a cheeseburger. Yeah. McDonald's cheeseburger.

Just a plain cheeseburger. Oh, you know what kind. There's a cheeseburger at the top. That is now a collector's item, that garment. It's limited print. No one has it. It's gone. The guy, okay,. It's limited print. No one has it. It's gone. The guy, okay, this is a true story.

We had a merch line for like a month. Jacques knew this guy who I swear to God was named Wigger. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. His name was his internet name is Wigget.

W-I-G-G-E-T. All right, okay, so I choose to believe Max. But he's not currently being put into camp by China, right? Jacques has, it's like the little elf in Berserk. He has a tiny little white guy in huge UNC powder blue shorts who follows him around. He's like, yo, Chuck. Only people without rigid worldviews

can see him. Got me. Anyway, this person was so terrible at their job. Okay, great merch. Let's be nice. That's uncool. Honestly, I was supposed to get one

and I didn't. So fuck this guy. Exactly. Say his name. Who? Wiggett. Stop. Oh, my God.

I'm going to get Jacques in trouble tonight. Y'all are getting me in trouble. Max is being a little bitch. Come on. Next slide. Let's move on. No more shirts. This person had a severe health crisis after filming an indie film in a super fight.

John Wayne. You'd hope. Jerry Adams? Not Jerry Adams. Ryan Reynolds. No, this actually happened to John Wayne. I mean, he died of cancer after filming Mongol at this test site for the nuclear bombs.

What the fuck is this movie about? Mongul. Yeah, the movie where they were like, all right, John, pretend you're Asian for this entire movie. And he was like, sounds good to me, and then died two months later. Well, that's where he met Wigger. Along with about 60 other people from the film production.

Well, they died for great art. That's true. The artist wants at the end of the day. Dance for me, Tardar woman. All right. Can we get the reveal, please? Last slide. Oh.

Tarkovsky. Okay. I wouldn't have fucking guessed this. I don't know who the fuck that is. I don't know who this is. I feel cheated out of an experience. Evil? What am I missing?

Am I missing something I skipped this slide. I don't ever want to see this again. I'm removing this from every production. Can we skip to the bonus shot? Two slides from here. Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, all right. Bring it back. Bring it back. At 14. Okay. It's the same outfit! It's the same fucking outfit! I swear to God,

that was a random Instagram picture I found. I was scrambling like five minutes before the show trying to get this fucking piece of shit together. Sorry, it's a fly outfit. I mean, sorry. It's my classic Southwest outfit. Can we get a little post, Jacques, over here on the front of the stage? Same post. Come on, baby. I hate being the pet dog in this podcast.

There's some cake in it for you later. Yeah, there you later. Yeah! There you go! All right. All right. Last one. Skip the whole slide. Let's go back

to the fucking stuff. Okay. So at 14, Jacques did PCP for the first time with some neighborhood boys and one of them cut their own finger off.

Okay. So we all smoked weed with PCP for the first time with some neighborhood boys and one of them cut their own finger off. Okay, so we all smoked weed with PCP in it. Who among us has not? And we fucking... The guy was like, okay. Okay, we all smoked PCP and then he's like, oh yeah, there's PCP in the weed. And then one kid was like,

I dare you to cut your finger off. And the boy, without even thinking, put his finger on the table. Cut it off. This was reality and not an anti-drug PSA. This was reality. I mean, I smoked dust for the first time at a Wu-Tang concert,

and all I did was pass out in front of the girl I was trying to go out with at the time. I felt like my skin was on fire. Immediately when the finger got cut off, I just ran. I just ran out of the apartment building, and I ran home. And I climbed up the second story of my house. I was four. Your shack had two stories?

Well, no. The shack actually did have two stories. That's not a shack. No, no, no. I'll show a picture. I'll show a picture. It's called the Jacques Shack. It was, in fact, a shack. Y'all, I should have never smoked that shit. No, I'm in a picture. It was called the Jacques Shack. It was, in fact, a shack.

Y'all, I should have never smoked that shit. But anyway, I ran back upstairs. I climbed on the roof. I went through my second story window and I went in the bathroom and just looked at myself in the mirror for like an hour, shaking, burning. And I didn't understand why.

And then you never did drugs again. And I did PCP the next night. Oh, man. Hell yeah. Because I thought... We got to wrap this up. Let's do this. Okay, one last round.

Double or nothing. This is the bonus round. Okay, if you can guess this one, you get to be the top. I fucking hate? Hitler. Hitler. I'll go Jock, yeah.

Okay. Pablo Picasso. Let me read it for the benefit of our blind listeners. After a failed painting career, this person became notorious for their drug use, cult-like following, and extreme outbursts of violence. Can we skip to... Slide, please. Yeah. Okay. Now... That was such a boring guess.

I wanted it to be Pablo Picasso so bad. I really hate caping for this dude, but... I don't think you do. Next slide. It's going to be a great picture. Hang on. This guy, you have to really appreciate his art.

He was really underrated. Can we please, Calvin, next slide. Put your hand down, man. I hate you. Fuck you. Is that your painting? All right, everybody. Thank you very much for coming to the live show. Thank you. Is that your painting? All right, everybody. Thank you very much for coming to the live show.

Thank you. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here unless you have tickets to the late show. Thank you very much. Top of Crab House. Podcast about list. Let's go.

Really important announcement before you go. If you have tickets to both shows, the few people who have tickets to the early and the late show, I have gift bags limited to 10 people. So you need to line up right here on the side of the stage. I only have 10 bags. If you see more than 10 people in line, fuck off.