Seeking Derangements - SD 92 - The Hierarchy Test

Episode Date: November 7, 2021

With Jacques and Ben back from their Cajun vacation, all four of us finally figure out whether we are "Alpha" (top), "Beta" (bottom) or "Sigma" (vers) podcasters (homos). intro/// Macky Feary Band - You're Young (1978) outro/// Bobby Charles - Big Boys Cry (1965) Bonus episodes at patreon.com/seekingderangements

Green I'm rolling. Rolling. We're here. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to a very special episode of Seeking Arrangements. We have added Hessa Queensland. Oleg. We're here. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to a very special episode of Seeking Arrangements. We have added Hessa Queensland. She's in the room, everyone. We mentioned that at the end of the last podcast, but I don't think we were super clear about it.

We do finally have... Well, okay. We haven't even announced... Email representation. No one talked about... I assumed we were just like announce H to join the show when we released this episode nope i made a decision jock tweeted it out without saying that asking anyone well i mean i i i was told hess is joining and we're gonna kill you if you have any other thoughts otherwise so that's literally what we said so at 2 a.m.m. last night with a random assailant

pointing a gun to my head, I nervously edited the picture together and I was like, I just gotta do it. Yeah. I like the characters you chose for me. I like the characters. I want to say that I spent at least

20 to 30 minutes trying to deeply figure out who I should choose for each of you. To remember if Hessa is named Hessa or Claire penis what's her real name I gotta know Hessa or Hesse or Hesse I originally was gonna

put you as the the rat from the movie it's like a rat girl from like the adventure no from adventurers or something i bring up a picture of rescuers down under yes that's one of those disney movies where like um i remember like being a teen i'm watching like subliminal youtube videos you know like like well that's the one where they have the porno on there

right yeah but like disney movies at that time were just obsessed with having like a throbbing cock in the background that's also like i think the last disney movie that's fully hand-drawn one fact which one whoa the rescuers down under whoa i think they maybe they stopped because people kept drawing cocks because there there's too much cock in them. The anime is that they paid minimum wage to draw it themselves, but draw a little penis in one. I would totally do that. Also, on the Aladdin, there's the cocks.

If they still have those movies nowadays, because you can't draw a penis forever and have it be fresh all the time. can't like put in goatsy in a disney movie if they still go ahead yeah that's where we're going now yeah pixar's doing full goatsy in the background i'm gonna go ahead and say that also disney won't draw an arab now either I'm just saying this oh god yes sir I'm saying this now sorry Jock you said Disney won't draw an Arab now? yeah because they're so racist

I feel like but also scared of being politically incorrect I feel like if they tried to make a movie that was like adjacent to Arabic culture they would not do it respectfully I feel like they've done all the Mexican movies are essentially like to make a movie that was like adjacent to Arabic culture they would not but they did they did I feel like they've done all the Mexican movies are essentially like

hey we did one about the browns they're interchangeable maybe I'm wrong I have no idea where this idea is coming from you're right they haven't made like an Arab princess or whatever since since like aladdin

muslim disney princesses and i'm waiting i they did a prince of persia movie that's not you need the representation they did a prince of persia movie but that's not just islam era well no okay okay it's not my islam era it was gonna be my my Islam era. And then I watched the new Kanye West interview and I know I'm obsessed with it. I will not bring it up again, but he talks about, he talks about Jewish culture so much in the interview that I was like, literally like reading the Torah at the end of the interview.

I could not even begin to tell you how haram you are, Jacques. That's fine. That's fine. I mean, Jacques would have been great in uh you know in like iran because he loves getting stoned this is what this this is the last thing i will bring up about the damn kanye west that was completely over his head

i mean shit me and you for being Islamic you know what I mean you guys came out so wrong for being an Islamic Israeli look all I was going to say is...

Yes, sir. If I've learned anything besides I want to be Jewish last night after watching the Kanye West interview for the third time is that... Wait, why do you want to be Jewish? Because Kanye talks about how incredible Jewish culture is the whole time.

And every time I went in New York and I was in Williamsburg... That's just because his manager is his whole time. And every time I went in New York and I was in, like, Williamsburg... That's just because his manager is his best friend. Like, nobody else likes him. No, fuck you! Well, those are Hasid shock. Those aren't, like, regular Jews. Those are, like, super Jews.

Well, no, I'm just saying it's... Well, Kanye is talking about Hasids mostly, but he's talking about a lot of Jewish ideology in the interview, so... That would be a long turn for him. I mean, how's he going to do the payout without any hair? That's what I want to know. Just staple him on. I love that.

Just get a little hat with him attached. He called that haircut. Take two of Kim's extensions and just glue them to the side of his head. He calls that haircut the Britney, but then he said in a few years, everyone's going to have that haircut and they're going to call it the- What, pay us? No, that haircut that Brittany, but then he said in a few years, everyone's going to have that haircut and they're going to call it the... What, chaos? No, that haircut that he just gave him.

The one he has now that's all messed up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. The barber was so embarrassed that was cutting his hair during that that he refused to take the money. And the barber was like, please don't tag me in this.

I think it looks cool. He looks like... He looks like me balding. Look at the similarities and the patchiness. That's so true. Your bald head looks exactly like Kanye's head with hair. But yeah, I mean, maybe it's a trend, Jock. What should be a trend is like the monk hairdo

where you just shave the top of your head? That's basically what. When I was in high school, the whole hockey team did that. That's cool. See, in my high school, like when I was in high school, the whole the hockey team got in trouble for like doing Molly before a game. Oh, my God. Or not the hockey team.

The volleyball team. Sorry. Yeah. The volleyball team. The volleyball team in my high school. not the hockey team. The volleyball team. Sorry. Yeah. The volleyball team. The volleyball team of my high school was a bunch of twinks at an all boys Catholic high school. So you can imagine. Yes. You know.

So funny. This is literally like a gay anime. Yeah. I wasn't on the team. I wasn't on the team. But I was on like the really nerd version of the team I was in the theater kid version of that team

no I was I was in like the choir basically the school choir that goes out and sings like the national anthem having to sing the national having to sing the national anthem for a bunch of gay I know Max is such a cuck for his family his parents and Catholicism having to sing the national anthem for a bunch of gay volleyball players.

Max is such a cuck for his family, his parents, and Catholicism. It's literally such a turn off. It's so embarrassing. You have a family that loves you. It's so embarrassing. Your family does not love you, Jock. I spent time with your family and they fucking hate you.

I had gumbo with Jock's family in Lafayette, Louisiana. They do not hate me. They love me. They love you, but the amount of clowning that if anyone gets high and mean to Jock, holy shit. You deserve a medal for how nice you are to his family. Here are the things his family says to him.

They brought up... They literally are so funny. I lost some weight. They made Jock weigh himself. In front of everyone. In front of everyone at dinner. And then literally everyone. After dinner.

After dinner. Everyone literally pointed and laughed at Jock. Oh, my God. He loved it. He loved the attention. Ben is in heaven. Ben's just like. I was just laughing.

I was just laughing. I was enjoying it so much because I did want to show Steven and Ben this alternative. The scale literally broke. The scale broke. It was rigged. It was probably rigged. I wish it was rigged. That would be a great

fucking bit. Then Jock's mom walked him in and weighed him on a different scale and he came back out and he was just looking at the ground all sheepish and then he's like, it's 197. He's like, y'all, I've been doing so good. I've lost so much weight.

I think I'm down to 175. Does everyone talk skinnier lately? You are looking skinnier. My body was smaller than yours. Excuse me? Oh! I got, y'all, also side note. The gumbo felt like a

heavy sedative. It's good. That's why I love it. It felt like an ayahuasca ceremony. I have a question, a technical question for you, Jock. What's the difference between gumbo and jambalaya? Oh, my God. This is a true answer. Hessa.

Okay. All goes back to my Uncle Bozo. Look, look, look. Ben is right here. Max is right here. Hessa is above them all. And Hessa, you just fell below Ben. You should be worried.

Oh, no. Jock hates you now. Hessa, you just fell below Ben. You should be worried. Oh, no. The level of miseducation that has led you to this moment. I'm just disappointed that you can't even know the basic of Cajun culture. So I'll tell you straight up. I think jambalaya sucks. I think it's a waste of Cajun food. People are always like, jambalaya this, jambalaya sucks i think it's a waste of cajun food people are always like jambalaya this jambalaya that no it's literally it's fucking rice and chicken it's not that

exciting it's not that good and everyone it's all right it's all right is jambalaya is just fine gumbo takes the cake jambalaya is a beautiful vehicle for cajun spice and nothing more and nothing less in a vehicle that is easily understood and understandable by any other person who has not had it. You know how they make gumbo? The broth is a roux. Do you know what a roux is? Yeah. A roux is a pot of flour that you just introduce oil to until it becomes a liquid.

Oil or butter. It's literally, they found these people these these cages okay don't talk about my people though they found a way to make a broth that is bread i agree i i know seriously though it's really revolutionary because it is so filling and it is like i was so hard to get you i i had to lay down. Okay, yeah. She was acting so. And then I went to my friend Shelby's house, and I fell asleep between two couch cushions. Yeah.

Like a dog looking for a place to die. I nestled my head between two cushions and just fell asleep. And briefly, the hangover from it. I mean, it's an immediate hangover. Yes, yes. Gumbo is traditionally chicken sausage, the roux, chicken stock, garlic,

cloves. Boots the house down, Henny. Sweet onions. You're going to have to death drop at the end of this. Red pepper. I feel like I'm not forgetting anything. It was very good. It was very, very good. Very delicious. I love Louisiana.

It's I want to move there so bad. But I think you were going to say you told me this in private. You said it was almost as good as the one at the airport. Oh, yeah. The one at the airport was delicious. Do you know who this guy Emeril is?

I was he's like really cool. Y'all are laughing now. If you've heard of Emeril, he's like the number one top most well-known Cajun and his airport gumbo isil. He's like the number one top most well-known Cajun. And his airport gumbo is delicious. It's like literally, it kind of tastes exactly the same as the gumbo your mom made. Don't ever say that again or I'll beat your little pussy face.

I'm just saying I love Emeril for introducing Cajun fruit to everyone. Until my knuckles are bloody with your blood and the mixed blood of me knocking your teeth out. I'm glad this is being recorded because I'm sending it to the police. Good. This is all getting sent to the FBI. The FBI is a patron. The FBI is a $10 patron. They don't want Jock to get bullied.

Whatever. Wait, so Jock, what is up with Emeril? What's up with this guy Emeril? I don't want to talk about that. What's the deal? What's the deal with Emeril? I'll tell you the deal with Emeril. His mom is Italian and his dad is Cajun

that don't make him a full blooded Cajun that makes him a fucking poser okay so he's stealing he can't join the Irish or the Italian mob or the Cajun mob my father is Italian and my mother is Cajun so I boil my pasta with swamp water

huh Tessa I know you're joking My father is Italian and my mother is Cajun, so I boil my pasta with swamp water. Tessa, I know you're joking, but the Cajun Mafia is real. Let me lay you a little thing down. There's an organized crime Cajun Mafia group that is also the owners of the grocery chain Rouse's. Are you sure you want to? Okay. No, this is in a news article about four or five years ago.

It was revealed that employees were getting paid to go to multiple locations across Louisiana. Employees of Rouse's were going to get paid to go intimidate employees at Izzo's, a burrito place, and shaking them down for money in town. And this is like a multi-Cajun mafia scandal. It's just like a food cartel action. It's so funny. There's no drugs. There's no prostitution. No, there's definitely not. She's shaking down various burrito franchises.ises ice cream store shaking down a wine shop it was just so funny and and

and iso's lost the case they got it dropped because they because they have so much rouses has so much pool and with the corrupt politicians and this is what was driving around Lafayette, Louisiana with Jock. And Jock was so dabbed out. And he would not shut the hell up. Okay. I was not even that dabbed. Every building we passed, Jock would be like, and y'all don't know what they did there.

They make their bread. They make their bread from semolina flour. And everyone in town knows it. And no one wants to talk about it. But I know there's like every building. Fuck you. There was. Literally the most. town knows it. And no one wants to talk about it. But I know there's like every building. There was literally the most. I loved it. I had so much fun.

I loved it. You shut me up at any opportunity you had. I'm like trying to show you a beautiful town and all of the sacred locations. It was beautiful. Also, I want to stay for the record. I'm going to move there. I want to stay for the record. You want to stay for the record? I'm going to move there. I want to stay for the record. You want to stay for the record?

I'm dabbed out most of the time, but in Louisiana, this most recent vacation, I was not dabbed out. You literally dropped a pipe in a swamp. Okay, that's true. Oh my God. We got the most...

In the group chat, I got the most panic texts. Literally dropped a pipe in Lake Martin. Okay, this is not fair. He was dabbing on a kayak surrounded by crocodiles. Alligators. And one of the crocodiles dropped,

one of the alligators dropped on a log underneath me and then I thought it was either a snake or the alligator going under me. So I went, whoa! Like I flinched. And then you dropped the pipe launched the pipe into the pipe it's not even a regular pipe this is a full dab rig no it was not he had a propane canister i had a kayak okay we are on the water i've done it multiple times

and we're on the water for an hour do you need to dab it's my life and i'm having a good time and if you don't want to live it up if you don't want to understand it's your life jock but you could have died an alligator could have eaten you okay literally just you're shaking your way shot the tank in the alligator's mouth thank you i mean i would have done that turning his butane torch on and burning all the alligators. I want everyone to know that Ben was so frightened of these alligators. Of course. Of course. I will say that.

I will say I'm not an insane person for saying I am afraid of the alligator that is in the same body of water I am in currently. That's not insane. Okay. So I think it's insane because they don't attack people very often. I'm going to take a quick Google. Yes, they do. I talked to those little Bayou boys and they told me. tell that they tell that there were these little deliverance there's these little deliverance style children outside of the shack playing a banjo and literally like

wearing overalls and like eating like with like a long straw of grass and i asked them i was like boys is that has someone been attacked by a gator hey boys and they were like the gators don't really bite but sometimes it's happened it's happened that's enough for me what I'm picturing is

I'm picturing Jacques being like yeah there didn't used to be there didn't used to be a swamp here and then just dumping out out like a bomb. All bomb water. I wish it was that cool. I wish it was that influential. Yes, that influential.

Okay, look. My influence. My influence, my slay. My influence. This is the last I'm going to say. My influence. Let me just end this Gator Talk. Y'all don't appreciate what I've done for the culture.

Let me end it with these last statements. I'm looking online. Your last statements. First of all, it's so rare. Ben was literally frightened. It was hysterical. He was nervously paddling away. I was nothing hysterical.

Yes, I was paddling away from alligators. Totally normal. Our friend Stephen that was getting so close to them, that was making me nervous. He was tweaking out. If he got bitten by the alligator, he could have eaten him whole. He's a little twig. They don't want him.

No meat on those bones. I'll say this, though. Right after Hurricane Ida, the authorities caught a 500-pound alligator that had eaten a 71-year-old man during the storm. Yes. Okay, and you know what happened? You know how this happened?

This did happen. Their house, it was an elderly couple. Their house fled, and the wife, their house flooded, and the wife got away, like, on a raft elderly couple. Their house fled and the wife, their house flooded and the wife got away like on a raft or something. Her house fled. It's a house. The house fled.

The wife got away. Okay. And she was like on a boat or something. And she's like paddling away. And she sees that there's a huge alligator and that her husband is trying to get like get away as well. But she was rescued or something. But then she went back like an hour later.

This is, it sounds like I'm making this up. It in the article and the husband was gone and the gator ate him and then they found the gator and they opened up the gator's stomach and the husband was in it holy shit a 12-foot gator holy shit there's a 500 pound this is there this is 12 foot 500 gate 500 pound gator that's a dinosaur okay but no no it's huge and there's a there's a. That's a dinosaur. There's a movie. There's a horror movie called Gator. I love that my friends from Florida also live with gators. It's called

Ben's Fear. I remember the poster has a yield sign with a gator on it. It's about gators who eat people. I heard it's pretty good. I heard it's decent. Louisiana's a movie, y' decent. Louisiana's a movie, y'all. Louisiana is a movie.

Look, if you're gonna... No, no, no, no. If you're gonna watch a movie about Louisiana, you should literally... That doesn't have to do with gators. You should watch the action-adventure comedy Gator starring Burt Reynolds, where he's, like, trying to

stop a drug ring. I have seen that. I saw that in baseball i think it's so good yeah it's revolutionary to louisiana cinema but if we're gonna talk about the my go-to louisiana movie is hard target no the big easy starring dennis quaid where dennis quaid plays a crooked cop. And it's a romantic mystery comedy based on in New Orleans around Cajun culture. They hired a Cajun person to be the official guide on how to talk. And Dennis Quaid. I'm sorry. The official what?

Official guide on how to talk. A linguist. A linguist. Cajun guide on how to talk. Cajun linguist special. You know what the fuck his name is? You know what the fuck

linguist instruction is? Yes, linguistic structures. Yes, that's the... Anyway, the movie centers around a crooked cop. They have this language man to teach him how to talk. It centers around a crooked cop in its early 90s. And it's Dennis Quaid is the crooked cop.

And he is starting a romantic relationship, basically, from the get-go with the DA to try to get himself out of trouble. It's so good. And it's Ellen Birkin plays the DA. Well, my favorite one is the Pelican Brief but sorry let's go on okay fuck you you loser Thank you. so so Okay, what are you doing?

Wait, I gotta grab something. What are you grabbing? He needs to do drugs now. Grabbing Tylenol. Are you doing drugs now? Grabbing Tylenol. Is that a drug to you? Yes. That's literally a drug. That's literally a drug. Is that a drug to you? Yes. Yeah, it is. It's literally a drug. It's literally a drug.

Ace of Mocha. Is that a drug to you, too? Oh, my God. Fucking Junkie Express right now. Choo-choo. Go do your fucking drugs then. Go, go. I'm going to come back in when you come in.

I'm going to edit. I'm done. I'm here. I'm back. Oh, okay. Cool. Never mind then. I'm crushing up Tylenol. I'm snorting it. It works fast. come back in when you come in when i edit i'm done i'm here i'm back oh okay cool never mind crushing up tight and crushing up tight it works fat it works faster y'all wouldn't start

telling all i don't want you to know that my doctor told me if you start telling all the first better the first drug i ever did and i didn't know how to get real drugs or like i drank alcohol first obviously but the first time i tried to do drugs i stole one of my brother's uh rolling papers or do i think i used computer paper and i crushed tylenol oh my god into a powder and i tried smoking it why would you why sorry what when i was younger you crushed tylenol you got an 8x11 piece of computer paper and rolled it. It's like a huge joint. It's literally an 11-inch joint

full of crushed Tylenol. I didn't use the whole paper. It's just a sheet of paper and a crushed up Adderall XR. I didn't use that paper. Why did you do that? Because Jock is like three years old. Yeah, literally.

Jock is three years old and doing the Kieras, like the meme offering the weed pipe. Or like that fat little Thai baby that smokes cigarettes. I was so scared of drugs and alcohol growing up before I actually started drinking. And when I was 10 years old drugs and alcohol growing up, or like before I actually started drinking. And when I was 10 years old or 11 years old, I found my brother's pot pipe hidden in his clippers, like his hair clippers box.

And I ran outside with the pipe and smashed it. Because I was so concerned. And then I went to my brother later that night and I said, I'm not going to tell mom and dad, but I found your drug pipe and you have to quit or you'll die. That's so cute though. That is very cute.

Look at you now. Degenerate drug addict. A year later, I turned 12 and I tried smoking. We're not doing a complete oral history you're cutting me off you're cutting me off we talked about this no no no you talked about this you said you all right no no you said you wouldn't cut me off man no we said you wouldn't cut me off you said you wouldn't cut me off we are moving no we talked about this let jock finish let jock finish all right jesus fucking. When I was 12 years old, I

smoked the Tylenol out the computer. Okay, great. That's it. You already said that. That was a story you already told. Well, you just wouldn't let me finish it, and you were being rude. You already said it. Ben, look, we talked about this before the meeting. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. No more interrupting. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Just be respectful of my voice. Shut up. Shut up. Yes, sir. Shut the fuck up up you little geek there we go there we go okay and everyone clapped now that we have Hessa on we need to decide who the alpha is

who the sigma is, who the gamma is who the delta is because we need to reformat the structure of our hierarchy yeah the polycule gets a lot more uh difficult to map once you add more than three people exactly i didn't hear cuck in there how are you going to be labeled you bitch shut up oh it's going to be the the gimp of the podcast wait would you would you say that gammas are naturally pale never mind we'll get into the test.

I'm not a gamma. Are you sure? I just saw the blue eyes. I'm positive. I'm positive. And you're like a feminine demeanor? So we have the male hierarchy test in front of us. For the viewers at home, it's available in two languages, English and Turkish, which

is very funny to me. This is a national standardized test in turkey we do we do have either we do have one listener who lives in instan bowl who ordered a shirt in stan bowl so he can use the turkish bowl like an instant cup of noodles i don't know how to pronounce it y'all we got a fan in instant bowl what are they coming up with? Instant cock? That's what I want to know. I love Instant Bowl. That's where they made ramen. I should have stayed

in Louisiana. I should have never come back to this. You should have, bitch. We have the male hierarchy test. We are going... Jock is going to... We're subjecting Jock to the test, but we're also taking it ourselves. I don't know if it'll work on a non-binary. So, Jock, I'm going to read you 31 questions, okay? And you have four options.

You have strongly disagree, disagree, neutral, agree, strongly agree. Does that make sense? Yes. Strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, strongly disagree. Yesay you slayed that baby okay let me let me just say one thing you better answer you know you can't just just just because you say let me say one thing doesn't mean that you can why can't i you better and you better answer my let me say one question i promise you i will answer accurately let me say one thing. I promise you I will answer accurately. Let me say one thing. It's like the voice pick equivalent

of the button on the elevator where you open the door, close the door. You can say it as much as you want, but Ben is still going to say, he's still going to interrupt. So, okay, first question. Yes. John, when something unforeseen happens,

I quickly commit to a solution well strongly disagree strongly disagree so when something you don't expect actually there's no so you have no solutions no no no agree or no no no what's the um disagree just disagree just disagree just one disagree yeah okay before we go i think the result is that jock is going to be an alpha. Jock is a toxic alpha. I think Jock's a sigma. You think Jock's a sigma?

Yeah. Jock is, yeah, born to be a sigma. Sigma thing. And I think I'm hungry. Continue the test. I appear, am I hungry? I appear shy. I appear shy and reserved,

but impassionate on the inside. Strongly disagree. Yeah, you are very impassionate on the inside. Strongly disagree. Yeah, you are very dispassionate on the inside. Okay, I can easily be made to feel anxious. I'm going to go ahead and say strongly agree. Strongly agree. Okay. I obey only those laws and rules that seem sensible to me

okay strongly agree strongly agree oh yes you break at least one law a day uh yeah yeah yeah that's fair at least one federal law at least okay do you know jock okay do not tell the story because we've already told it on the podcast but do you know Jock was committed of nine felonies as a teenager wrong wrong seven felonies five wow

you're confusing me by saying five felonies I'm gaslighting you to think you have more felonies than you do five felonies reduced to one misdemeanor because a guy tried to drag me by my pink hair to the bathroom saying i looked like nikki minaj and they ended the legal program earlier because you hate crimes in court no because this guy was trying to literally rape me at the legal center oh so when he was like he was like you look like nikki minaj he wasn't calling you back he was like you look good he said you look like

nikki minaj i need to fuck you i need to fuck you at the legal center right now he said you look like nikki minaj you want to come to the bathroom with me and i said absolutely fucking not and then this guy grabbed my hair like this and i ran straight to the counselor's office and i was like oh this guy just like fucking tried to grab me he's trying to get me to go to the bathroom he's like he's calling me a barb no he tried he also said he wanted some of my dick like under like is he wants my dick and this guy well okay let me say what they did they pulled this guy into the counselor's office called called his wife in front of me, and told them what had happened.

They're like, ma'am, your husband is trying to fuck twinks at the legal center. And I was primed. We're trying to convict this twink of nine felonies, and your husband won't stop trying to hump him. I was primed twink at this time and I was taking only drugs that wouldn't show up on drug tests so I was extra

crazy. I weighed 100 pounds and I could fit a double zero sized pant. God damn. Iconics. One of the reasons I love Louisiana is because it is literally just like it's not a

state it's like a banana republic it is like full like yeah it is latino yeah like that's why i literally believe yeah that like cajuns are poc cajuns are latino poc period and so i mean, I was there and I this is the most like, Latino should have ever heard my life. There was a McDonald's mogul. Okay, this is a new idea. Three McDonald's and is known for being a quote unquote, McDonald's mogul. Okay. There was another guy who was a public defender based in New Iberia, Louisiana. And then this methed out gay guy. And they were all talking about how they wanted to kill the judge of the job. Because the public defender has a DUI. And they were literally openly conspiring

to murder a female judge. That's beautiful. Very typical. Louisiana. We gotta kill that bitch. She thinks she can do whatever she wants. I'm not going to jail for DUI. This is a public defender. When I picture a Louisiana judge for some reason, I pictured Kermit the Frog sitting

with the judge. There's literally a different federal investigation every month on Louisiana corruption. It's so insane. You can hire a hitman in Louisiana? Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. Literally a different federal investigation every month on Louisiana corruption. It's so insane. You can hire a hitman in Louisiana for $15,000. People do it all the fucking time. Okay, I'll tell you this too. You can just get a judge domed because you have one DUI. I'm saying this very quickly. I got hit with a car.

The reason I got charged. We have heard things. Just listen. The reason I got charged with the $800 jaywalking fee and the other guy got away with it is because he's the judge's son. Another friend of mine was a judge's like grandson. He hit two 13-year-olds drunk driving in the middle of the night and killed them. And he got away with it. Jesus Christ. of the night and killed them and he got away with it.

Lafayette is so apologetic to DUI people that they hired this guy as the booking manager of the most popular bar in Lafayette at the time. What's the name of the bar? At the time, it was Beer Garden because everywhere... Okay, cancelled.

This restaurant is cancelled. Let's keep going. Let's get on with the test. Yeah, we hate. I only obey those laws and rules that seem sensible to me. That is a strong disagree. Jock? No, strong agree. Wait, can you say it again to me?

I was taking a big gulp of my cream soda. Strong agree. We have the answer. No, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. Being in debt doesn't worry me as long as I can see a way out of it. Oh yeah, strongly agree. Thank you for answering for me.

So being in debt does not worry you? I was just making sure I wasn't being cucked over. That's a strong agree. Okay. I often forgive those who have wronged me, even if they do not deserve it. Okay, I'm going to... Be honest.

Honestly, I would gonna... Be honest. Honestly, I would say either neutral or disagree because I, every single night... I don't think you've ever forgiven anyone in your life. Just listen to this. You're incredibly vindictive. I don't... Incredibly jealous.

It's fine. I do actually forgive people. Who was the last person you forgave? You. Me? For what? For being a bitch. I constantly forgive you. I've never apologized to you in my life. I know.

You don't have to apologize for me to forgive you. You forgive me without... Before you go to bed, you're like, I forgive Ben for all his sins. I hope he goes to heaven, you're like, I forgive Ben for all his sins. I hope he goes to heaven with me. Remember, we talked about this. I can't wait to be in heaven with my friend Ben. Please forgive him.

Ben, we talked about this before. Don't cut me out. Don't cut you out? Yeah, I'm trying to talk. Don't you remember? What you need to say is, please don't cut me off. You apologize. Yes.

Okay. Anyway, before I go to bed every night. I forgive you, Ben. I love you, friend. Before I go to bed every night, and this is not a joke. I really just truly do this every night. I pray before I go to bed. You pray for the haters.

No, listen. I pray for all my family all my friends and then i go down the list of anyone i either think i have a problem with or has a problem with me and that's why you don't sleep no because it's a list it's a list of 300 people look i'm not when you've had an issue i'm not gonna not going to say what, but I'm not going to say what. Or until 7 a.m. naming names. People have done some vile shit to me, and I've found some ways to forgive some people. I forgive some people, and other people's I'll hold a grudge for the rest of my life.

But that's not here or there. I'm just saying, though, I'm constantly trying to forgive people. In New York, I am going to answer the question for you let's answer the question let's answer the question i often forgive those who have wronged me even if they do not deserve it i'm gonna say that is a disagree neutral okay neutral neutral it is i am often excited to throw myself with new projects, even though I haven't finished my previous ones. Oh, that's a strong yes-em. That's a strong yes-em. Yes-em, man.

Let's get a shot. Let's get some Louisiana in here. All right. I sometimes demand more for my work than I otherwise would if I know the employer is in a bind or has no other alternative. I don't really understand the question. Okay, I'll read it. I will read it again.

Read it in stupid terms. I sometimes demand more for my work than I would otherwise if I know the employer is in a bind or has no alternative. Strongly agree. So you have a boss who is in a really tough situation. Are you going to demand you're paid more? Wait, it doesn't say you have a boss who is in a really tough situation are you going to demand you're paid more wait it doesn't say your dorian electra is opening a hot new body space in lower manhattan but they cannot find a dj to open the first night it's it's it's 12 hours t minus 12 before they cut the ribbon before the soft open fucking

malia obama's supposed to go there and deal like the fresh dinner a dinner crumb they cannot waste they cannot have one night without a fucking fire ass dj and they say dj sensitive jock in our time of need and you know and you know there's no other you can ask for twice as much estrogen first of all the whole question threw me off because I just fucking hate that non-binary cunt that's the point

I know you fucking hate her and that's fine but she comes to you I'm missing the point sorry I just that non-binary cut and anyway Jock met Dory and Elektra I've met them several times

I have friends who work with we were at a bar they were not at a show I met them in Denver when I was auditioning for Charlie XCX's Fembot Fantasy Tour I have friends who work with Dorian Electra and they were coming to a bar and like Felix was there too and stuff

and I had to tell Jock, I was like, Jock, come to the bar but just so you know, Dorian Electra is here. Please do not kill them. And then Jock responded and Jock's like, how dare you say I would kill someone? I would never. And then I'm like, Jock, I'm only saying this because you literally said I want to kill her.

No, no, no. And it's kill them, Ben. Let's have a little respect for someone else. I don't want to kill her. I want to kill them. I want to kill them. And look, and I don't want to kill them. Live their life, whatever.

We love Dorian. I just want to say. What? No. Stop. Stop. kill them live their life whatever we love dorian i just want to say no stop stop you shut your little pale trap for two seconds so i can get a lip out you little turd god at that bar i was literally so cordial to dorian electra and they have met me like so many times before okay great and great and it's so just answer the fucking question jesus do you do you ask more from a boss if you know they're in a tough situation um no because i've helped out k the most millions of times when i said your boss is in a tough

situation you're not going to ask more of them you're not you won't take you won't take advantage of your boss no really, no, no. Okay, so that's a disagree or strong disagree. I'd strongly disagree because I... Strongly disagree. Okay, I'm going to the next question. I often need reassurance from others. Yes.

So true. Yes, yes. One million percent. Didn't even need to ask it. Yes, strong agree okay let's go okay helping others by doing good oh sorry helping others by doing good deeds oh my god i'm so you're high by doing good deeds is its own reward the wording on that is so stupid yeah I know is okay is doing someone

a favor helping someone that's its own reward oh I agree is that how you live your life I don't live it like every second like that but I mean give it an agree because that's not a strong agree strongly agree

strongly agree strongly agree every second like that, but I mean... Give it an agree, because that's not a strong agree. Agree. Strongly agree. Strongly agree. Strongly agree. If a friend and I... If a friend and I owned a car together, and I found out that friend had betrayed me in a major way, I might consider destroying the car. This is probably something you have done.

No, no. You probably put rocks in someone's gas tank because he didn't buy you a beer. No, no, no, no. You're just so wrong. If a friend and I owned a car together and I found out that that friend had betrayed me in a major, but in a major way,

I might consider destroying the car. You're not destroying the car. You're just considering destroying the car. So, Aiden, you said that I'd done this in real life no i haven't i strongly disagree because i was okay uh my ex really my ex fucked my best friend and when i found out that he had sucked his cock too and i was just so pissed off about it i was like i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna i was like i'm gonna i was joke i was like trying to freak him out but i was like, I was like, I'm going to, I was like, I'm going to, I was joking. I was like trying to freak him out, but I was like, you're lucky I don't come to your house and slit your tires. You live literally on my block.

Hilarious joke. Okay. I don't know. I like how fucking your best friend is fine, but sucking his cock. He fucked his face. I was pissed about both. Let me just say that. It seems like you're more mad about the blowjob.

Okay. So that is. The blowjob happened first. So that's pissed about both. Let me just say that. It seems like you're more mad about the blowjob. Okay, so that is- The blowjob happened first. So that's a strong disagree. Strong disagree. Really? Yeah, because I didn't act out. Okay, I mean, this is not the jock I know, but I will- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop, stop. Often do I feel vengeful- You are literally the most vindictive person I've ever met. Sure, but often do I feel vengeful and seldom do I actually take go and... But, John, it doesn't say... It just says consider. Consider. It's not I will destroy the car.

It's I would consider destroying the car. For me, when I... Oh, okay. This is a strong agree because I'm going to consider it. Okay, okay. I was confused by the phrasing. I thought you were saying...

Yeah, yeah. The phrasing on these is... It's like it was originally written in Turkish and then translated to English. Yeah, I was about to say. That's why those are the onlyasing. I thought you were saying I would definitely do it. It was originally written in Turkish and then translated to English. That's why those are the only two. Aww. This is supposed to be the gay guy

to gray wolf, like actual right-wing Turkish nationalist pipeline. Okay, Jock. my future looks uncertain. Oh, God. Actually, neutral. Neutral. Neutral.

Because you think you're going to be like us. Stop right there. I don't think I'm going to be a star. I will be a star or I'll be dead. Okay, exactly. Ben was going to say another ST. He was going to say statistic. You've come pretty close to being one

like a few times. Oh my God. So you can't look awesome for that. We are on question 13. And there's 30 left. So we really need a breeze through this. We really have got to breeze through this. I'm listening. I'm ready, baby.

I often reassure others when they are stressed out, providing them a path forward. I strongly agree. Okay. Hessa is giggling so much about this. I'm just going to... Oh, I just said you're giggling so much about this. I would be willing to steal a million dollars if I knew I had a 99% chance of not getting caught.

100% strongly agree. Agree. These are all hypotheticals for us, but I believe Jock has lived every one of these questions. Look, and I did. That one time, I went to Bozo's gumbo i got caught the one percent i'm just lucky okay i do a lot of favors for people without getting much in return um i should be honest i i again strongly agree because i do often do think jock is very good at getting something in return but i don't think he does

it on purpose no no let me tell you this like per example recently i played an event and i agreed to pay play for a different price than they paid me but because they were a friend of mine and it was just like you know like i'm not you know it's a supporting like a business or something or like it's okay so what do you what do you say i do a lot of favors to people if i can strongly agree these are this is crazy why do you i often answer dms from friends or messages from friends answering ds is not a favor. Stop, stop. I'm just saying.

It's emotional labor. Yes, of course it is. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's question 16. I might be willing to take a punch if it meant that someone I didn't like received two punches. Abso-fucking-lutely.

Yes. Okay. Yes. Strongly agree. If you said no to that one I would be like this is dumb I'm answering honestly though I would be hit by a car

if it meant an enemy of mine was hit by a semi I enjoy all sorts of competitions and always go for the win strongly agree strongly agree you love competitions yes sorts of competitions and always go for the win. Strongly agree. Strongly agree.

You love competitions. Yes. Yes. If I oppose the election of a politician, I would be glad to see them fail, even if their failure hurt my community. Can you read it one more time, please? If I oppose the election of a politician, I would be glad to see them fail, even if their failure hurt my community. Neutral.

Neutral. Okay. That's a weird one. It's weird. I said yes when I took it. You gotta be a little petty. Yeah, I was like, I don't care. It's a petty move. I fight back when someone disrespects me. Oh, I strongly agree.

I strongly agree. You counterpunch. You counterpunch. You counterpunch. You do have to be defensive. Yes, you do have to be defensive. I have a preference for theory and abstractions and may come across as distant or professional.

What? That is so... I come across as a distant and professional. So? That is so... I come across as a distant and professional. I strongly disagree. This is strongly disagree. I'm going to need you to reread it again because I have people... I have a preference for theory and abstractions and may come

across as distant or professional. Strongly agree. You're not distant or professional and you hate theory and abstractions okay okay strongly disagree literally less less than i'm having trouble you told us can you explain that to us in or can you explain that to me in simpler terms so i guess in simple language okay can you can you say this in a simple way i'm sorry professor i didn't know i was going to college this morning. I'm a dropout.

I take a positive attitude towards myself. Strongly agree. Strongly agree. You love yourself. I'm a narcissist. You're a narcissist? I use insincere flattery to smooth things over and this often gets me my way.

No, because I'm pretty sincere about my flattery. Yeah, I guess that's true. You don't know. You're kind of neutral. I was just neutral leading a grade, but we can be neutral. I hate choosing neutral multiple times.

It's kind of making me sad. I never want to be a neutral person. I know it's a question so many times. Oh, you did too? Yeah. Okay. I was scared. The questions are very weird.

I was scared I was going to be too normal. I don't think that will ever be a problem. I am willing to risk failure for the sake of big gains. Oh, yeah. I strongly agree. Strongly agree. Look at my early career and everything I've ever done. Not career.

What? I'm not allowed to have a career? No. You're over it. You don't have a career. Yes, I do. I was a restaurant. What is your career?

I was a restaurant. Abortion grave cleaner? No. I don't even care if y'all are going to make fun of me for this, but I was a professional dishwasher for many, many years. Jacques. No, it's true. It's true. You were not a professional dishwasher.

Yes, I was. Just because you have a job does not make it a profession. When you work that job. Does that actually mean? Did you go to school to learn how to dishwash? No, but I will just. Did you receive special training to learn how to dishwashwash? No but I will just Did you receive special training to learn how to Dishwash? Jacques was a dishwasher's

Apprentice for several years He was made a master in This great city of New Orleans I have Look y'all are laughing right now But let me explain myself Please I've had multiple jobs at the same time but let me explain myself. Please. I was a dishwasher. I'm starting to explain.

I've had multiple jobs at the same time but for 15 years I was a dishwasher always. How old were you? You're not that old. Started when I was 15 and I'm 29. 14 years. 14 years. I reward people generously if they do what I say.

Strongly agree. Strongly agree. Strongly agree. Okay. I do not panic easily. Strongly disagree. Strongly disagree. You are one of the most panicked people I've ever met in my life. I am a panicked person 24-7. Panic queen. If something I said was theoretically right,

if something I said was theoretically right, it's not my fault if the practical consequences were not as expected. So if something is right... If I say something, in theory, if I say a hypothetical, and when that thing happens in real life, it doesn't happen as I said, that's not my fault. Is that something you would agree with? Strongly agree.

Agree? Not strongly agree, but disagree. I agree to that one as well. Are you okay? I just have to, I just have to let it out sometimes. Okay.

The screams? Yeah, I'm obsessed. You have to scream sometimes? It's been a while since we had a good Jacques scream. You've been very good about bottling it in. It's been a while since we had a good jock scream. You've been very good about bottling it in. It's something they teach you in the dishwashing trade, in the dishwashing industry.

You have to let the screams out. Also, I'm a professional DJ. I'm a professional DJ. I'm a professional DJ, too. You just remembered two questions. I'm a professional DJ. You just remembered what your career is.

Fuck you, Hessa. You were supposed to be on my side. I knew we should have... I knew we... Take her out. Take her out of here. Get her out of here. Get her out of here. I am a professional DJ.

I have many professions. I'm actually not even going to... I don't think you understand what profession means. Why? Anyways, it is important to me that I am seen as a leader at all times. Yes. Yes, I agree.

I am seen as the queen at all times. Is that strongly agreed? Strongly agreed, my dude. My pale dude. Stop. Y'all, when I was trying to find pictures of Ben earlier, I just googled pale cartoon character with blue eyes and dark curly hair.

Did something come up? Nosferatu. Me. Me. My influence. did something come up Nosferatu me my influence I tried to think out of broader than Max being author but really I could not think of anything visually comparable

Max being what? Max looks so much like author the cartoon author? the art for author what? he looks exactly like him Arthur? It's Arthur. Arthur. What? He looks exactly like him. With the glasses. It's Arthur, you dumbass.

Arthur. How did I say it? You're saying author like author of a book. I have such a hard time. R. R. Arthur. Arthur.

Arthur. I'm feeling like hard Arthur. It's like Arthur, y'all. Y'all, I'm sorry Oh god We're not even touching that one Paying attention to Paying attention to radical Or bizarre ideas

Is generally a waste of time Paying attention to radical Or bizarre ideas Is generally a waste of time disagree disagree because jock seems to be into like homeopathy and crystals like you seem like the type with crystals so strongly disagree strongly disagree or disagree disagree only disagree Disagree. Only disagree. Did I stutter? I sometimes spend I sometimes spend more time fine-tuning definitions, concepts, or techniques

than is probably prudent. Prudent means logical. Or kind of prudent is like, is it sensible? Right? I only say agree to that one. Do you understand the question? Yes, I ain't stupid. Restate the question to me in your you understand the question yes i ain't stupid restate restate the question to me in your own words whoa i can't go that far back

do it so you think i agree i often spend time i often spend more time fine-tuning definitions concepts and techniques than i should yes i spend hours you're fine-tuning what was the last definition you fine-tuned? I mean, DJing. I spent hours... Your gender identity. I mean, honestly, yeah. I sat down and thought about who I am on this trip.

Okay, so that's an agree? Yeah, it's an agree. Not strongly agree, but it's an agree. I am ambitious and driven to win. Oh, that's a strong agree. Yes. Strongly agree. Oh, that's a strong agree.

I could die. It's a buy a strong yes. Strongly agree. That's a strong agree. It's a buy you. Yes. I demand I demand a lot from the people around me. I feel like we get to answer this question. Yes. Yes. It's a strong agree.

I don't agree. I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't? Yeah. Oh, my God. OK, we have the results. We have the results. OK.

OK, that was the last question. Do we want to take any bets? No. I'll say y'all. Let's do our results. What did you get? I got... You got trans? Trans. I actually got...

You are most like a sigma in the masculine social hierarchy. 83.87%. Max? I also got sigma 76.7%. Oh my god. When I took it, I got equal delta and sigma.

Damn. What does that mean? I'm just different. I'm built different, y'all who knows and i will say this jock what do you think you got alpha jock alpha i said i think i got alpha yeah yeah i think you are you are wrong this is officially a four uh sigma podcast i i think everybody had like everybody that i know on twitter that took this test also got a Sigma. So it's not like a huge surprise. Look, I'm not really familiar with exactly what a Sigma is.

So I had to really Google it. And I'm going to read you just one thing. Characteristics of a Sigma male. They tend to be lovers. They are flexible. They are themselves, regardless of who is watching. Not physically flexible they can lead without exerting authority i'm so not flexible i cannot touch my toes

they are good listeners they are self-aware they have ambiguous morality i haven't seen my toes in years they have i love these two last ones they have have ambiguous morality. They have rusty social skills. And rusty social skills? Yeah. This all seems like it was machine-generated. Like, auto-generated. How do Sigma men date? He tends to be a bit more of a rebel

and an iconoclast. He doesn't like to be the center of attention. Change doesn't bother him. That's not true. I feel like that's not what a Sigma is. He will give you space and expect it in return he sticks to his values and to tears peer pressure he's direct

and doesn't talk too much okay that's definitely not you not you at all they need one for gay the LGBTQ's because this is for straight men this is exclusively for straight white men. We need one that's like, if

your friend ate your quinoa salad, would you suck off his boyfriend? That one. If poppers chilled on the floor, would you dive on all fours and start inhaling? Lap it up like a dog. We need one. maybe we should make ours

like that your hag dies after going to Dr. Miami and you have to go to the funeral do you tell her parents the real reason alright should we wrap it up there I thought we were were gonna spend another two hours talking about time i have to go to work i have to go to my my professional job as a waiter we're at an hour and a little bit um i think this is a good time as any to call it a good time

we're sigmas we're getting tired yeah and again uh i'd like to give a very warm welcome to our new fourth chair officially announced it like the fourth episode you've been on but uh i'm happy i announced it last week i'm happy you did too jock yeah for having me i hope i'm a good addition i can't i can't wait't wait until next episode when we also do this like hey everybody just so you know we have Hessa on as our new we have to make Hessa go to like a seeking derangements like boot camp

yeah make her bear crawl on the ground while doing a bunch of dabs and me call your fat you're taking on a tough position one time we had a woman guest jock is gonna haze you one time we had one time we had a woman guest on our podcast and two different people commented women should not be allowed on this podcast wait really yes yeah yeah

no this is no this is when we had Liz Frankzak on. Women should not be on this podcast. Yeah, yeah. Well, when we started, it was just you and I, and we were like, okay, only Latinos, no gays. No gays. And look at us now. We have two crack-ass honkies here with us. Baggots.

I cried last night until I couldn't I cried tonight, I know I shouldn't It hurts to know that I can't reach her I've learned to lose, she was my teacher Now I've tried to lose, she was my teacher. Now I try to hide all the tears down deep inside. But even big boys cry. I climb the walls, I chew my fingers.

I run around but her love lingers Her friends say she don't talk about me They say she's doing well without me I try to hide all the tears down deep inside But even big boys cry

I hope someday I might forget her I know for my sake I had better I want so much to say I don't care But all this hoping gets me nowhere I try to hide all the tears down deep inside. But even big boys cry. Yes, even big boys cry. I know that big boys can cry.

I know a big boy can cry