Seeking Derangements - SD 95 - BONUS BONUS [UNLOCKED]: RH of SLC with Will

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Ben, Jacques and Hesse started a Real Housewives of Salt Lake City roundup bonus show for our Patreon. New episodes come out every Monday after the show airs, for Patreon subscribers only. We're unlocking this one since it's more of an intro to RHSLC. Jacques couldn't make it to this one but we got a special guest to fill in... intro/// Can - Give Me No 'Roses' (1977) outro/// Real Estate - In the Garden (Outro) (2021)

Hi, everyone. We're unlocking this first episode from last week of our new Real Housewives of Salt Lake City after show, I guess, for lack of a better word. Ben, Hessa, Jacques and special guests every week get together and talk about Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. And so last week for our intro episode, we had Will from Chapo Trap House come on and talk to us about kind of a general overview of the season. So we decided to unlock it just because, you know, it's a general thing. But going forward on our Patreon every Monday after the show airs, we will have just a short episode talking about the latest Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. And it's really insane. I highly recommend that you listen to it it now with that out of the way uh let's get to the episode you said you have fallen from grace

far too long something has changed your desire And I'm growing strong Are you here to stay? With a pause in your head And a fuse in your bed And a mind to blow the day Growing strong, strong Welcome everyone to another episode of your favorite podcast. We have a little special one here for you today.

It's Hessa and I joined by our angel investor, Will Meneker. We're here to talk about television's best show. Max is asking for some attention on the ones and twos he's producing today. I haven't seen the show, but I haven't been caught up. Max isn't gay enough to watch the show as frequently as we do nor have max is pretending to be gay for clout we also don't get it here in spain so yeah it comes through with subtitles in spain they haven't i'll send you i'll send you a torrent link for all of all of the episodes of the new season i i have i I have all the first and second season downloaded.

I just haven't gotten past the first few episodes of the second season. Literally is the best show on television. I've regretted not watching it so far. Yeah, just to underscore what Ben said, I truly believe Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is my favorite show on television

right now. Andy Cohen, you mad bastard. You've done it again. It's just applying the Real Housewives format to Salt Lake City is an absolute goldmine. I know. Were you a Real Housewives head before Salt Lake City?

New Jersey, New York, Beverly Hills. I've seen episodes here or there at whatever gay guy's apartment I'm at. But I've never fully invested into a franchise from the beginning. And my friend who is like a huge Real Housewives like obsessive was like, you need to watch Salt Lake City. It's like it is so good. You will love it.

And I have I now like fully sold on the show and need to like get into others. I want to get into New Jersey next. New Jersey is fantastic. I'm really intrigued by the woman who has the hairline that's like one inch above her eyebrows. Teresa Giudice. She wears like a munchie-chee doll. One of the many felons featured on The Real Housewives. Yeah, I heard she went to jail too.

Okay, so let's open it up with, we're just going to do season two. Season one was like very good, of course, but a lot of the drama that happened in season one has all been culminating in this moment for season two, which is the last episode that just came out. Jen Shaw is going to jail. She's going to jail for fraud. Elder fraud.

Elder fraud. One of the worst kinds of frauds you could do. Not even classy fraud. she's going to jail for fraud well elder fraud elder fraud not even classy fraud not even like a white collar she's going to like regular person 80 year olds is is like barely fraud at this point anyway it's easier than taking candy from a baby it's you're just saying like i need money to make a school without trans bathrooms. And they're like, yeah, sure. Fuck it. Have my friends inheritance. Before we get to Jen Shah's moment or big moment in season two, let's go over the dramas that all have kind of led up to it. I think starting with this is like this is tangential at best, but it's still another drama in season two.

There's a character who's just been introduced named jenny who i think has been introduced because the producers know jen was going to jail they're like we need another with almost the exact same yeah with almost the exact same name but she is like she's distinctly different than all of them because she is i think a bit younger but more so like she's an immigrant she like the first her intro is being like i've hid under a i pretended to be dead in a boat because the vietcong were hunting my family but that makes her older than a lot of the real housewives i think it was much different than than the rest of them so the the first i went from the the the the bumps in the beginning where they all do

they're like you know i i'm the wild rose and like you know like uh you throw me to the wolves i'll come back leading the pack he's like i went from ho chi minh to see my bling so she she's caught up with a uh a guy named dewey her husband husband named Dewey, who they have three kids with. And her kind of narrative arc so far in the season has been battling, incessantly battling her husband who keeps trying to breed her, even though she's had nine miscarriages

and a stillbirth, which he saw happen. He is still, like, every scene they have together, the moment they sit down, he's just like, why aren't you giving me another kid why aren't you giving me another kid and it's it's it's bizarre because they have three perfect children and they have this like idyllic lifestyle and you know she's she was very upfront with him about like i i i not only do i not have the energy to like you

know raise a child from being an infant to like being able to walk and talk and be like semi-independent uh this could very well kill me getting pregnant again yes yeah she's like my doctor told me not to get pregnant because i will probably die and he's like she says at one point he's a doctor so he must understand that which is kind of cap because he's a chiropractor there's a great scene earlier in the second season maybe in the first or second episode where uh one of the kids has like a back problem that the producers told them they had uh so they bring in uh jenny's husband and he's just like touches touches like he does yeah it does like some voodoo on them just like molest their uh their rib cage in it

and then he's like yeah no your uh your ribs are not in conjunction with each other their cheese are like opposing and we need to fix that uh you need to combine he starts a spinomancy on an eight-year-old child. Well, he goes even further and he's just like, okay, well, you know, there's a way around you dying from another pregnancy. And that is, what if we have a sister wife? And her response to that is, I'm not even Mormon, I'm Catholic. I mean, okay, so I was I mean, it's it's sort of genius that the first sister wife controversy on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City involves someone who wasn't even at a time Mormon. No, never Mormon. Yeah, never, never been Mormon. They're Catholic, but her husband, Dewey, he plays it off because he said, like, in Vietnamese culture, it's a common thing for the patriarch to have like, you know, my grandfather had multiple wives and they all got along with each other.

They all loved each other. It was great. And of course, Jenny is obviously incensed at this suggestion, as as one might be. Because it's so fucking random. How do you even come? It's like at that moment, you realize that your husband does not care about you at all. Yeah, you're not even...

Because she's angry enough that he's breezing past the possibility of her dying or just her wishes not to raise any more children at this point in her life after having three already. Yeah, completely unfazed at her dying.

Yeah, and then he's just like, okay, well, that's not a problem. Okay, look, I understand already yeah um completely unfazed at her dying yeah and then like he's just like okay well uh uh that's not a problem okay look i understand you're feeling a little bit upset about this issue what if i just got another wife every time he brings it up she starts crying and it's like he's torturing this woman it's so dark compared to all the other subplots of like, oh, Whitney. Whitney's stupid. Yeah, Whitney's stupid. It's like it's so much worse.

Like even on like the part of the husband, you can tell it's coming from like a place of really, really deep trauma. I see his wife give a stillbirth. He's like, we need to have another successful birth. Like he just. Well, I feel like that's become an excuse at this point yeah because he cries about it once and then he's like no it's fine I'm okay with you maybe

dying if I went through the trauma of seeing my wife almost die giving birth and then losing you know like a newborn infant to stillbirth or whatever I'd just be like you know what time to double down. Yeah.

Time to double down. Round two, baby. We're having twins. We're going on fertility medication. My favorite part about this, like, they are Catholic. Yeah. And I guess, like, the Vietnamese tradition,

at least in his mind, outweighs the Catholic tradition. And Jenny says to him, Do they get a wife every 10 years? She goes, we're Catholic what do you think our priest would say about this

and without missing a beat he goes I don't think it'll be a problem I was like what the Catholic church will let you get away with a lot of shit

but having multiple wives nothing with marriage they're not gonna budge an inch on that you can fuck whoever you want like there have been gay popes there have been gay popes who have like you know like natural born children yeah yeah like during the time that they've been

in the papacy like have had sex with other men or like father tons of children or whatever but they never ever got married ever yeah also at one point I think Jenny is like well can we adopt and he's just like no no no no no he he suggests adoption before the sister wife thing and she says okay problem with adoption you're not hearing me it's not just that i would potentially die given like

you know burying another child she says i am i'm at a stage in my life where i don't have the energy to fucking raise an infant yeah yeah's like, we have our kids. They're of school age. They're relatively independent. By the way, her kids in the last episode are the most perfect children imaginable. Her son walks into the kitchen. She's like, what are you doing? I have a bone to pick with her little kids.

Her kids are so annoying. I hate that little precocious kid. I'm so annoyed. Every time Jenny is in a scene, they open up her episode narrative of her precocious little daughter making'm so like every time Jenny is in a scene, they open her open up her like episode narrative like her like precocious little daughter is like making a volcano in the kitchen, which is nice. It's cute. They do seem like perfect kids. But I'm like, I don't want

to see this shit. Get this bitch off my television. I go to Ben's apartment to watch the episodes. And every time the little kid comes on, Ben is just like, I fucking hate this little Ben. She's annoying. I'm annoyed by these children. She's in the and like her little son walks in and she goes he goes uh what are you doing and then he goes she goes making yogurt do you want to help he goes absolutely mommy i know i have the most idyllic life i think that's why it annoys me but that's okay that's one we can kick off the

list pretty okay well okay we can wrap that one up the uh the uh the sister white charm so let's be talking about children the next thing i want to talk about is like the contrast between uh jenny's maybe slightly annoyingly perfect children okay and the the demon spawn that are lisa barlow's two sons who she's now got involved who she's now got involved they're like they're ages 12 and maybe 14 or 15 and they're now business owners they're business owners

island boys so like there's this plot line where all of a sudden out of nowhere I don't get how this works I assume this is like basically every family in Utah. It's like a bar mitzvah in the Mormon church. Every Mormon family is an MLM. Yeah, it's all MLM.

Hot to bottom. And as Matt has pointed out on our show, I think, Utah is the only state where MLMs make sense. Absolutely. Because it's just like it's you and everyone you know and everyone's chaining to their own thing. It's stupid to fail. But her son's business is called fresh wolf it's like i think it's a beard oil and like these kids like they they don't even have pubes

not a fuzz on that beach okay like they it's like so insane because it's like all the events where it's like yeah my son's brand is launching an event and then the sun shows up and it's just the most awkward 15 year old because he's like 15 just like an awkward lanky you could tell he just went through like a huge growth spurt yeah and like doesn't know what to do with his hands doesn't know how to stand slumped. Doesn't know how to stand. Slumped shoulders, staring at his feet. Just like, so literally.

And I, I love the moment where, um, I think he has an event. And he's dressed like a Zara gay. He's dressed like a shoulder slung designer fanny pack and like an all black kind of like quarter zip up. And like, yeah,

yeah. He's dressed like Errolson Hugh. Diner fanny pack. And like an all black kind of like quarter zip up. Yeah. Yeah. He's just like Errolson Hugh. Mormon Errolson Hugh. We love him. And then what's there's like he has like an event

like a product launch or something. For Fresh Wolves. And yeah. And Jen Shaw doesn't get invited. And Lisa tries to be like

well my son made the guest list so take it up with him they need to have it he did not make the guest they have to have a charitable for this event yes event they have to have a charitable out to throw this to like to you know to justify the obscenity of the very concept of it their tax rebate goals yeah and so this this charitable backdoor is for um foster children because lisa's husband was a foster child and yeah jen doesn't get invited and she's like how dare she not invite me she knows my aunt has two foster kids what it's so funny did you be invited because her aunt with one leg by the way yeah no no legs yeah well there's a hospital one of the best one of the best lines ever delivered on television

no legs i smell another charity product launch and there's got to be some sort of non-profit in Utah for the legless. Knowing Jen now, she probably got those, forced her aunt to get those legs voluntarily removed so she could claim disability checks. Yeah.

Guaranteed there's some fraud going on with this legless woman. Just the entire concept of like fresh wolf which i'm sure is like some sort of insane pre-made brand that like the parents bought like the licensing to so that their their idiot kids could be like the fucking the steve jobs of like fucking beard moose or something yeah you can't even grow a fucking beard and they're out there like and he's giving this whole pitch like on this fucking charity event and he's just like oh yeah we're really looking forward to you know like expanding into the i don't know the hair space among men's products and it's just like i this is god this is just this is why i like

how salt lake city the best because like it gives you this keyhole glimpse into this culture and part of the country that is totally alien to me. Completely. To me, the idea that a 15-year-old would just have their own company, would just be given a company to run. And I'm putting that in scare quotes because I just think the whole state is just moving money around from every different family to another to avoid taxes and to just keep this giant MLM pyramid scheme going. Yes. Yeah, and it mirrors the season one arc of Brooks' fashion show.

Yes. Which is clearly his mom, with Meredith, is making him do, kind of. Yeah. Because he has no... none of the kids have any initiative whatsoever agency for that matter no brooks is brooks is literally we should get it let's talk about brooks let's talk about brooks my favorite character my favorite character so obsessed with brooks brooks is meredith marx's youngest. He has a brother.

She has another son who's not pictured. She is Meredith Marks' son, her gay son. I guess maybe I shouldn't say gay because apparently he's not out. He is still on a journey. He's on a journey. He's walking his class right now. He's doing a journey. He's old enough to drink and he's like, I don know yet so he is yes in season one okay my this is the open the first scene brooks is ever in is the perfect i think depiction

of his character he is in his mom's kitchen and he is out of vitamix and he blends a bunch of almonds and then he puts water in it and then he blends it again and he's like oh but i just made something like what i can't believe it works he's like completely astounded yeah he said i can't believe it worked he's like he's completely astounded by the fact that he could produce something he's totally totally totally like just blown away by the idea that it's like oh my god i can make something that i usually just buy or have given to me and then he like does not he like does not drink it or anything he just like probably throws it away yeah but then yes he has his own fashion line um which is one track which is one track soon i think everyone who's seen the first season has already known this but he's getting into the second um he has a prolonged drama with uh jen shaw that happens due to the kind of uh due to the first season being out there

right jen shaw starts um liking and retweeting quote-unquote homophobic tweets about brooks and this is from this is from their original interaction together where jen was really drunk at meredith's house and she was like you know rolling around and brooks said mom i can see her vagina the people were calling brooks like one of the tweets like jen should have turned out and smacked that sissy bitch right in the face and she should have jen just like zanned out it by like scrolling twitter it's like we're having smash no fucking retweet on this one i should have smacked that sissy bitch right in the face the other tweets were like we're trying to remember this privilege twink i'm sick of that privilege someone needs to teach this uh rich privileged twinks and discipline she's she's faving all of them but because she faves them of course meredith saw meredith is i think you know rookie move rookie yes people forget that you can people can see your faves make an alt make an alt um and your retweet she retweeted them

it's so funny to read to not only like but also retweet them and then i i think one of the tweets about um her saying i can see your vagina was like someone was like i bet that's the only vagina he'll ever see yeah miss me with that so because of this meredith is very very very incensed by um what she i think believes to be attack on her family and on her son she confronts jen uh while they're ice fishing. I love how the producers make them. They find the best locations for it. They treat them like little dolls. Restaurant kitchens.

Or they're making reborn dolls or something. Wherever they can put the house to have a giant confrontation about your family's respect. They love to do it at a location where you have to wear a little hat. Or something.

This is a little trick. This is a thread that runs through every Real Housewives franchise. Is that these women, no matter where they come from, what their background is, who they are, if you get them together on any kind of game night or charity event, they are

going to go ham. They're going to have a meltdown. It is going to be get real, real ugly. You better make sure they don't bet on any knives at the silent auction because they're coming out. How many middle-aged women with BPD does it

take to screw it all up? And Jen does this thing that I think she does every single time she is confronted by something insane that she's done in season two where she, one, is like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Then when that fails fails she's like actually it was my it was someone on my team it wasn't me yes and then she always almost instantly she's like i she gives she drops that i think that's like would be well and then when effective if she like committed at all no i know But then when she drops it, she then plays the victim.

No, she goes, because then she goes, I'm sick of apologizing. How do you think my kids feel? Even when kids aren't even involved, Heather is like, you called me a manatee. How do you think my kids feel? I'm doing fraud. I'm going to be in jail. Well, it's funny you bring up

the fact that she always blims it on her team. Right? Because a minor character on the show, soon to be major character in her impending criminal case, is her close personal confidant and assistant, a guy named Stuart. Yeah, Stu Chains. Stu Stu. Stu Chains. His name is next to hers in those federal indictments.

It's like a fucking phone book it's just yeah and on the most recent episode like as a a brilliant foreshadowing on part of the producers they go cross-country skiing together and you know it's like it's like the scene in casino where de niro goes out to the desert to meet pesci yeah but like she's just telling stewart the whole, she's like, my favorite thing about you, Stu, is that you're so loyal. You're so loyal,

and you'll always stand with me, no matter what. No, when Hess and I were watching this, we spotted it because, like, you know, Jen being arrested has been teased out for, like, seven episodes so far, right? Like, five or six episodes so far.

You know it's happening. It was the first thing in the series. They showed the very first scene of the first season. teased out for like seven episodes so far right like five five or six episodes so far you know what's happening was the first thing in the they showed the very first scene of the season yeah you know that this is where the season is going so ever since that happened i've been like watching jen and like trying to pick up if there's any kind of signal that she is like losing it and there are a couple scenes where you can tell she's acting like uh ray leota in the end of Goodfellas. It's all crumbling down, man. They're going to get me. The two, like the episode, the episode before the arrest,

there are scenes where she is sitting in a room with everyone with the thousand yard stare, not saying a word, while people are like arguing and fighting. And she's just staring off into space, like sweating like a maniac. And then she's just like mysteriously not in the same shot.

Yeah, she's just, suddenly she's not in the scene anymore. Like she left. She left for some reason. Okay, I mean like the real, where this is all going is the like Jen Shaw getting swatted. Yes.

Girls CriptoVale ruined by joint Homeland Security, FBI, and NYPD. And NYPD. There were probably 16 federal and state law enforcement agents that just converged on their party bus to bail. Before we get there, let's go over Brooks and Jen's drama. The Brooks and Jen confrontation.

Their sit-down. They had a sit-down. They had a sit-down about Brooks. I think my favorite part about that is Jen humbles herself enough to, at least just for the TV cameras, apologize to Meredith for calling her

son a sissy twink. Sissy bitch. Sissy bitch and privileged wife twink. Yeah, privileged wife twink. And, okay, so they have a sit down about it. Jen apologizing for anything pretty rare so she was like she was like oh thanks a lot or better cover my ass on this

one i'm looking pretty bad so they they have they do a lunch together and she's like i'm i apologize for the the hurtful things that my team may have retweeted and meredith just goes just cold as ice bird is just like yes thank you for that that's very important to me i think we can move forward in that and i i think in the back of her mind jen was just dust her hands off theatrically and she's like and that's that yeah yeah little did she know little did she know yeah little did she know i love i love meredith dropping this one one second love meredith she is far and beyond my favorite one on the show because i love meredith's husband meredith's husband always looks like he just got pepper sprayed.

It's because he's crying. His gay son and his hot bitch wife are constantly abusing him. His wife is on Valium, not even Xanax. Meredith in the past three episodes has been on Quaaludes. She's on some orange shit. Meredith is far in the bathtub. When she was in the bathtub i was like do not let a woman who was on this much drugs be in a bathtub that was not okay she called me the white whitney houston y'all

so so like to set it up this is this is after the as i said joint f FBI, Homeland Security, and NYPD raid on the house of fucking Genshaw. In the parking lot of, well, they raid Genshaw's house, but they also raid the parking lot of Beauty Lab plus some shit. Heather's spa.

Laser spa and stuff. Hang on, do you mind if I run to the restroom real quick before we go on? Sorry. Okay, so yes, they are arresting them. They're headed to Vail, but they not only swat Jen's house, they swat them while they're in the parking lot of heather's uh beauty or like was a plastic surgery laser laser spa lab plus laser can i just talk real quick about how how fucking absolutely brilliant the setup of the shot where they have like a stationary camera

in the party bus and they're all bundled up they got they got all their treats they got all their fucking beauty products there is so much product placement yeah each shot yeah there are at least 20 brand names in each shot seven bottles giant giant fucking like designer bags full of shit like their products other people's products gotta keep that mlm spinning gotta keep that amazing always gotta keep those plates spinning so they're all they're all sitting there bundled up ready to go to veil and then little by little like through the windows of the van which are big it's like one of those big like mercedes transit vans just in the background like like just like like ants trickling in you see one then two then three four five uniforms But all in different uniforms. All in different uniforms.

They all have the different fed windbreaker, but they all have different letters on the back of them. That's how fucking wild this shit is. Every agency is there. It's like the kidnapping scene in Fargo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where Peter Stormare is just looking in the window. Watching TV.

Okay, before we go ahead with the actual arrest, let's pay literally children of men okay before we go ahead with the actual arrest let's pay some attention to our queen Heather you know she's probably going through more trauma than the rest of them in front of her business bricked up queen Heather

yeah so Heather's at the very beginning of the season Heather's first kind of drama thing that she's in is that jen who is like a total psycho like heather is just happy to be friends with them she will do anything to be friends with them and they take advantage of her so much because precisely because she's so willing to be friends with them but they don't care like they don't give a shit about her they so she's mad at jen for previously calling her other tweets um a manatee and saying she looks like shrek and stuff like that you look like shrek and a manatee which heather has a specific look to her, but it's not exactly Shrek and it's not exactly manatee.

But what Jen meant was you are the midpoint between Shrek and manatee. If you're in a character creation, it's the sliders halfway. But, um, so cruel. The, so they meet in an ice castle and,

and Heather is also mad because Jenen was tweeting like heather is racist funny funny yeah um and then um they're sitting there and heather is like mad at jen for obvious reasons and jen goes through her defenses she goes through all of them eventually she like yeah blames her she's like how do you think my kids feel And Jen goes through her defenses. She goes through all of them. The regular deflecting. Eventually she like, yeah, blames her. She's like, how do you think my kids feel? Heather's like, why are you bringing up your kids? That doesn't even make sense in this context.

And then it ends with Heather being like, I will do anything to be your friend. And I'm sorry that I tried to make you apologize. Literally begging. It's so sad. Begging for this woman who called her a Shrek and a Manatee to be her friend it's so they're so nice you know like it's both a gift and a curse well heather

yeah heather is like she's an actual one she's an ex-mormon name she's the only one who actually has i think any kind of like actual trauma from being a morm. It's all she talks about. And she's such a good mom too. And she's a good mom. She's a good mom. When she has the sex talk with her daughter before going off to college, I thought that was a very sweet moment because you can see how she never got anything. Totally.

Sex was like a dirtier word than fuck in the household she grew up in. Sex was just like, all you know about it, not real, not a possibility, don't think about it until you're married, and then you just have as many kids as possible with the guy, so you get your own planet

or whatever. And she tries to have a sex talk with her daughter, and I was sort of wincing, like, oh, is this going to be really bad? But no. It was actually like, she had a good talk with her. She was struggling really hard to form the words. You could see how tough it was actually like she had a good talk of her she like she did not uh she was struggling really hard to like form the words you could see how tough it was for her but she did not uh send her daughter off to college uh filled with you know poisonous nonsense in her head no no yeah

like mary did because the fact that mary thinking she's god is like a third tier plot line. She's right though. She is God though. She is God. It's insane. It's so crazy. She like turned her son into like the biggest pothead in the world by like giving him everything he wants and putting a full size fridge in his room. And then

he turns 18 and she's instantly like, okay, you are going to go join the army. okay you are gonna go join the army she begs him to join the army yeah join the army she's trying to kill her son she's trying to kill herself

okay so let's get back to where we are speaking of you know let's go back to Heather ex-mormon she then opened you know her plastic surgery spa which all her friends are now being swarmed you know let's let's go back to heather ex-mormon she then opened you know her her plastic surgery spa which all her friends are now being swarmed by nine different federal agencies in so we get to the arrest scene jen is on the phone she looks petrified she kind of just like starts muttering to people she's really sheepishly saying like Sharif, her husband,

she's like, he has internal bleeding. And then she like wanders around for 10 minutes, just telling people that and not leaving. Which is so ridiculous. She tells every single person. Both explanations are equally insane because if her husband like did just like his brain exploded and he's in the hospital she would just say like i gotta go family emergency and then if she got the call

to just be like uh like you need to turn yourself in right now like the police are looking for you i would just say sorry guys gotta go bye i'll tell you later but she hangs out for like 10 minutes yeah leaves five minutes before the the fucking show up. And then she said, people are trying to figure out, they're like, oh my God, Sharif, your husband, like, is he okay? And then she's like, yeah, he went in for some tests. They say he has internal bleeding.

And then they say he has internal bleeding and they might do something about it. I just love that, like, the doctor, like, you have internal bleeding. Are you going to help? I don't know, maybe. And then they're like, okay, are you going to come back? And she goes, I don't know. They're doing a routine, like, physical.

What the fuck? It is so sus. And of course, she's lying as our girlies quickly find out when they see, like Will described, this slow encroaching army of multiple federal agencies coming to arrest jen they of course find out she's not there all of the women in the car start freaking out besides jenny

okay jenny who is cool as a fucking bear jen that jenny has known the other girls for like two weeks yeah the entire season is just two weeks worth of like stuff but it's like she literally had yeah she had to hide from the via conga she'd have played dead in a boat from the via conga she does yeah she's like can we still go she's a cool yeah we're still going i don't care i think jenny i think jenny is like like you said because she's an immigrant she's like had like she's she's way more grounded and i think a lot more sensible and probably more intelligent and she also wants to get the fuck away from her husband yeah my husband keeps trying to breed me yeah my husband wants to put a baby in me and kill me that way to get at my end my fail husband too that's a big like another big

thing in the relationship that she has with her husband is that like yeah he owns a really shitty like um you know obviously hokum shop uh you know selling his Hoke and Shop selling his services. And she had like a dentistry clinic or something, like several dentists. I don't know if she quit. I'm not sure. Which she quit, but that's still like a lot of money. But he made her. Yeah, he made her. He says that he

made her. So they with Jenny's insistence and they all kind of agree. They're like, okay, let's go ahead with the trip as planned. It's just Lisa, and they all kind of agree, they're like, okay, let's go ahead with the trip as planned. It's just Lisa, Jenny, Heather, and Whitney in the van. And this is where Whitney really shines on the drive up because she has secretly been the smartest one the whole time. Whitney figures everything out. For some reason, and I think this is because she was raised in Mormon,

Whitney knows everything about online marketing both legal and illegal literally and all of the ways that you can like i'll write off almost a million dollars if you put it into a startup on your taxes and even if the startup makes no money for five years you can write off a million dollars yeah all just i could live to be a thousand and would not know even a fraction of like tax or business non-sense i could yeah i barely know how to do my own taxes i could live to be a thousand and not know as much about fucking online marketing and digital sales as a norman 10th grader and she's so and she's so good at putting it into like easily explainable language as well yeah and as she's explaining it in the van she's like yeah she's probably opening all these startups and pouring like millions into them and then like closing them

out and then and as she's explaining this lisa is bawling her eyes out and Lisa is like I'm just I'm so worried I'm so worried for Sharif I'm just so worried for Sharif I'm just so worried for Sharif and it's like okay she's so worried for people implicated who may be implicated six lawyers

six attorneys I was loving this because Lisa is probably my least favorite character oh yeah I love watching her but I can't stand her as a person I was loving this because Lisa is probably my least favorite. Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, I love watching her, but I can't stand her as a person. So like, OK, so like a friend, a colleague, someone, you know, they're in some legal trouble, right? I might call my other friends.

I might call their friends or family to see what's going on. I'd be my other friends. I might call their friends or family to see what's going on. I'd be concerned for them. I would not immediately call my attorney and start and saying literally the words, I am petrified right now. She called six different lawyers. She has six attorneys on retainer. And she says, they're all calling me back right now. There's one scene where she says, I'm shaking. I'm literally physically shaking. And she's saying it while she's

completely still. She is stone solid. She is not moving an inch. Now, this casts a new light on the first bunch of episodes of the season. A big question among the other housewives is why does Lisa,

why is she being so loyal to Jen? Why does she insist on being friends with Jen despite all evidence to the contrary, despite everything she's done to her other friends? Yeah. Nobody likes Jen. Lisa is always there seeming to be in Jen's corner and wanting to include her. I can't help but read into that and her calls with 10 different fucking attorneys that she is obviously in some way implicated. Well, I don't know what you're talking about, honestly.

Because I don't think the woman whose children have like 500 LLCs tied to their name, I don't think she's cheap. Yeah. Which way do you think it is? Who do you think is investing in who? Because I can see Jan approaching Lisa and being like, Lisa, I have this new startup. Get in on the ground floor. Send me some money here.

But I can also see Lisa being like, look, I am surrounded by 12 fake LLCs for all of my family members. And Jen being like, hey, does Lone Wolf need $4,000? And Meredith, or no, sorry, not Meredith. Jen showed up to the Fresh Wolf shoot wearing a wolf hat. Yes. Okay. So she seems, and then she was mad that she wasn't invited to the party. So she seems to be pretty mad that she is not invested in all of Lisa's LLC, you know,

comings and goings. It is impossible to discern who is scamming who. Because it is all fraud. In the state of Utah, everyone is scamming everyone else. Absolutely. And as long as the plates keep spinning, it's not a crime. Everyone's loving it. It's great.

What if this is the threat, Jen's fishing scam, what if that is the threat on the sweater that the feds just pull until the entire state of Utah is in jail? And then consequently, the United States economy and the global economy collapses. This is the domino. Thank you, Andy Cohen. Global homo.

Global homo. Okay, so they all find out that Jen has been arrested. They get a pretty good grasp as to why, thanks to Whitney, it's just genius as to what this kind of thought looks like. And as they, when they were first pulling away, Heather is like, text

Jen and is like, I'm just going to text her and let her know that Homeland Security is looking for her just to make sure she's okay. They said they just wanted to make sure she was safe, guys. She probably just went to check on her. And Heather does not understand that she's getting arrested. She's such a dumbass.

Well, Heather was the first one. She came out of the van and started talking to all these Asians. She was like, what are you doing? Stop bitching. Not being helpful right now. Just say she was here a second before she left. Don't know where she is. While they're all in their eight-hour van trip

to Vail, Meredith is there at the resort house ahead of time sort of interesting yeah very suspicious she knew where to be where she knew where to be it's interesting this house on enough xanax to kill a fucking horse she is so far she gets into bath she gets a call into a bath. She gets a call. Into a bath. She gets a call. And she, you know, is told by, I believe, Lisa, that Jen is in jail for fraud. And Meredith is just like, I'm not surprised. It doesn't surprise me. I'm not surprised.

She's just eaten a Xanax bar the size of like a dove's throat. No, she ate it like a piece of ribeye. She got a fork and knife out from his sandbag. She put a babe around her neck. And then she has had a glass of champagne. She has swallowed a pill the size of a rolled up tube of socks or something. And then she is just nude in a bubble bath. Getting phone calls.

They're like, oh my God, have you seen the news? Do you know what's going on? And she just goes, no, I haven't had a chance to check my phone today. Not really looking at my phone. I'm not too worried about her. Just complete mastermind. She executed that perfectly. And, you know, it has not been, you know, put clearly.

You know, they have not they have not said it outright, but it's very clear that Meredith orchestrated Jen's takedown here. I'm like, ask the woman. On the preview for the next episode, the one that's coming up, Meredith drops that she hired a private investigator.

Hired a PI to look into Jen's job. I hired a private investigator. she hired a private investigator. Hired a PI to look into Jen's job. I hired a private investigator. I hired a private investigator. And so it all comes to light that the main motivating force for Meredith's beef

with Jen is not even necessarily Brooks. Brooks was a proxy I believe for the real... Yeah, it's a proxy war. It was the Gulf of Tonkin incident. Yes, exactly. She was using Brooks being gay as a proxy. Did we talk about how Meredith

was one of her main lines of attacks on Jen for making gay jokes about her son was that he's not out yet? Or we don't know if he's gay or not. You put him on a TV show that's on national television. Also, he's

pretty much out at this point. I hate to say it. He's never said anything to us about it. He doesn't need to see what he runs up. Does he use his voice? That is just fucking one tracksuit okay

it's so weird this is why like the Pete Buttigieg I know you guys did the episode about it like this week we did too but like when he says oh I came out when I was 33 like that that's why that doesn't cut it's total bullshit he says he's like not coming out until

33 and we can tell immediately he came out at 33. And we can tell immediately. He came out at 33, and he says in the movie, he's like, when I got home from Afghanistan, meaning my three-month tour of duty in an office in Kabul, looking at mineral rights or whatever, he's like, I realized I had only one life to live. And I'm going to live it in a Dairy Queen with Chasen.

You had a Dairy Queen grill and chill doing pinky a Dairy Queen with Chasen. Yeah, in a Dairy Queen grill and chill doing pinky sex with my husband Chasen. It's especially crazy because Brooks is in college. His parents are both like, you can come out, we'll be totally supportive of you. Brooks has been in college.

But Meredith clearly wants a gay son. She uses him as a little accessory and she uses him as a little accessory and she uses him to fight her proxy wars. Which is what she... It's so insane that he's not out. It's like Liberace but it's 2021.

Well, who knows? I haven't said it. Yeah. I just can't wait to get some pussy tonight. To get some vagina. Back to what we were saying so yes she it's unveiled that um you know the main motivating factor here was not brooks as much as it was the fact that jen bro not broken to meredith's door but basically she called meredith eight times she's pounding on the front door of meredith's door mered Meredith is telling all of the housewives this at a dinner they're having at the resort once they're all there.

And she's like, Jen came into my store with her associates. They bought like $300 worth of stuff. And then my manager called me and my manager told me that a green snake clutch is missing. And she says that and then all of the women start talking about purses for two minutes. Yeah, it's great. It's great. And then she's like, well, I talked to Jen about it and they have to bleep out the assistant's name clearly for some legal reason. He came back and gave the purse back.

They have security camera footage of all of this. they have security camera footage of all of this security footage of all of it that storyline has has not been wrapped like wrapped up yet we can tell that this is probably going to turn into a war of just like escalating counter punches i'm sure jen probably called meredith racist for accusing her of a crime or something and then meredith earlier in the episode said that jen had been traumatizing and terrorizing her family for two years and her business and my family and my business yeah i mean you get the you get the impression that the the purse incident is like just an example like the most recent example of like something that Meredith

has been like you know like the feds building a case against Al Capone basically yeah absolutely she's been building this case against her for so long meanwhile on camera in every episode they're like

because of how the show works all the other housewives are like can't you just forgive her like you guys should make up yeah it's like it's like uh

uh Meredith has a storage locker in like Provo with just all her evidence on Jen to the detective they're just like they bring

they bring Lisa in they're like here's something you should see and they put her in a videotape and it's no no she's stealing a handbag no They bring Lisa in. They're like, here's something you should see. And they put her in a videotape and it's, no! No!

She's stealing a handbag! No! It's true detective. The Empire runs out of the storage locker and pukes because she's so traumatized. And then, the funny thing is

when they start talking about Jen and her various crimes, the thing that shocks Mary more than anything is when someone says, someone says, someone says, I've heard through a friend that Jen is red flagged at the Louis Vuitton store for always paying cash.

And I was like, wait, that's a thing. I was like, what cash don't spend? Cash isn't money. Like, Oh,

what the fuck? When you're getting red flag, that means that they don't let you buy anything. Or that means they're reporting you to the IRS. I think probably maybe reporting you or, I don't know. Or they're just like, this is like sketchy or something but i i don't see why they would have a problem with that if you're paying cash i mean that's so funny literally that is a crime worse to marry than defrauding seven-year-olds well okay can we talk about mary because she is

literally doing the exact same thing yes yes more heinous sinful means you know like she's abusing the idea of God and people's hopes to buy the most like the most hideous clothing the most hideous clothing you've ever seen on the planet like to dress like a fuck

to dress like Sarah Squirm if Sarah Squirm were like not trying to be like 60 years old yeah yeah if Sarah Squirm was one of the Bogdanov twins yeah yeah yeah

okay it's been 50 minutes now and we have not really discussed Mary we have to get into Mary which I think is like Mary is truly as someone who has

been watching a lot of these shows she is by far the most deranged and actually dangerous person that has ever been featured on any one of these real-life slideshow. It should not be any other bitch. And Ben, you're exactly right.

The fact that Mary is just cool as a cucumber and she's like, oh, Jen, that's terrible that she could do something like that. She doesn't care. She doesn't care about the fraud at all. What Mary does for a living is, you are absolutely right. Every bit as criminal and 10 times more morally depraved than what Jen Shaw does by literally like micro targeting vulnerable elderly elderly people. Cause guess what? That's what Mary does too.

But the vulnerable elderly and dupes that she fucking targets, she convinces that she is God. I know. Yeah. And she believes that she's a complete and total megalomaniac. She cries like twice every episode. She literally thinks she's God. And for those of you who are listening to this

who are maybe not familiar with your house, you're just like sitting. Oh my God. Okay, Mary's mother was going to be the head of their Yahoo! rocket roll church. Yes. Mary's grandmother was like the matriarch and like

their direct line to God or God themselves or whatever. The proxy for God. Yeah. For whatever reason, Mary's grandmother decided to cast out her own daughter and appoint her granddaughter as the new

like, I don't know, cult leader of this fucking, the new matriarch of this fucking new like i don't know uh cult leader of this fucking the new matriarch of this fucking yahoo criminal fucking crook religious yeah the pentecostal charismatic yeah fucking charismatic uh christian ministry yeah to seal the deal because she was dying she was like you will now marry my husband your step grandfather okay my theory on this okay more of a joke but imagine that like you know the the robert senior the husband right yeah who just lost his his elderly wife imagine he comes to mary right and he's like look i've got this will i don't know what she meant you have to marry me right like it's written and the will's just all typed up on on like like a computer and then it's written in hand down at the bottom you must marry my youngest

daughter it's it's like a receipt in the back for like okay like a flashlight or something it's her life she's like ted bundy if like a ted bundy's mind was in she's a dead-eyed psycho yeah she literally wants her son to die in the army she okay is just like okay her fight with whitney oh my god okay so whitney in the car she calls whitney um in the car and and Whitney doesn't pick up because she's driving her kids to school carpool or something and then Mary

is like instantly like okay Whitney is my enemy for the rest of my life doesn't call her once no but it's the one before this it's when they were going to do something they were going to like, I don't know, to do something. They were going to, like, roast s'mores

or something. Whatever. But, like, they're in a car, and someone talks about, like, wanting a seltzer. Oh, no, that was her and Lisa. It was her and Lisa. Oh, yeah. And she, and Lisa is like, can I get a seltzer? And Mary's like,

don't drink those. They're heartaches or ovaries. And Lisa's just like, what? She's like can I get a seltzer and Mary's like don't drink those at heart it's all ovaries and Lisa's just like what? she's like what the fuck did you watch? I gotta google that is that true? and she's like never question anything I say she's like if it comes out of my mouth it is fact if it comes out of my mouth it is fact

she literally believes she is God she is used to being treated like God and when she says and there are flashbacks to her saying this at restaurants in the first season, she says something, some absolute drivel that drinking carbonated beverages hardens your ovaries.

And Lisa goes, oh, I've never heard that. Can I Google that? Her eyes go fucking wide as dinner plates. She literally says, to me as a black woman, to question me? To say, Google that? Why don't you believe me?

This is racist. You guys hate to admit it, but she's right. She is right. She is right. Oh my God. I love Mary. I love Mary. Even just her mannerisms. They're so hard to even describe.

No, it's... She is torqued at all times. She reminds me so much of my mom, who's like that same level of like... She's tweaking. She's literally tweaking. Yeah. I got to talk about what I think was by far

the funniest scene on this season and maybe any season of Real Housewives is. But before Whitney has her falling out with Mary by not returning her four phone calls within five minutes of getting them. She's like, oh, Mary comes over to Whitney's house

and Whitney's two young kids are in the kitchen with her. And Mary walks in, eyes like fucking, like the Manson lamps, just fucking beaming. Beaming. Marshall Applewhite eyes. Kamikaze-ing into her eyes. She's just vibrating.

And she just goes, my God, every day, every day's a blessing. Always be so thankful for life. One of my congregants they just they're in a car they drove off a highway into a neighborhood

she's telling this to Whitney she's smiling the whole time seven year old kids she goes she's smiling like looking like the fucking Joker she's just like my god I just got off the phone

she drove off a highway quote into a neighborhood she landed on a neighborhood landed on a neighborhood these two kids are like mouth agape like Godzilla stomping a city skyline she landed on a neighborhood.

It sounds like she's describing one of their drawings. Or one of their doodles of a stick man flying out of a car window or something. So Whitney's youngest, eyes and mouth agape, just goes, is she okay?

And Mary, without missing a beat, goes, no, she's dead. And then, after saying she's dead and then will you're saying that the reason she tells that story yes sir because mary comes in and says like yeah like um i i gotta teach you teach you guys how to cook sometimes like at some time i gotta give you a cooking lesson and one of the kids says how about right now and she says i can't right now i'm so broken up and then launches into the story like so she's just using it like as an excuse yeah yeah

I think kids don't ask to have a cooking lesson she would not have mentioned it she only mentioned it for to be an excuse to not to talk to these kids so speaking of cooking lessons this gets to the

the Whitney Mary beef okay so Mary Whitney doesn't return Mary's phone call in a timely enough manner for Mary you're spitting in the face of God when you do that

extreme disrespect yes so she organized you're spitting in the face of God when you do that. Extreme disrespect. Yes. So she organized... You're spitting in the face of God. She organizes a cooking lesson for all the gals at, you know, Salt Lake City's finest Italian restaurant. I don't know. It's one of these,

like, as you said, Ben, it's one of these locations that they just herd these women into. And I love that, like, because of course, every restaurant they go to is totally empty. Every location they go to is totally empty. Every location they go to is derelict. There is no one there. Completely empty.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what Mary does, like, again, sociopath. You were a sociopath. Complete megalomaniac. She sends one version of the invite to everyone who returned

her phone call, requesting that they show up to the Italian cooking lesson in, quote, Italian streetwear. And I was like, what the fuck is that? She wants to make him dress like Christopher Moltisanti. Yeah. Of different regions.

She's like, I researched the clothing of different regions on a moped or something do some street harassment on your way yeah and by the way like this is her event so she is the conductor of the affair and everyone shows up and there are various bizarre weird interpretations of this bizarre request to dress in Italian street wear

oh and Mary in season one has a met gala themed luncheon which is my favorite event in the entire show oh yeah because yeah it is like a psychopath like it's an event that someone would plan like in the dmt throws of death like it's like they show up wearing their italian street fashion and mary like the chef is like you know a normal like a not italian guy maybe he's italian

heritage but he's just like okay i'm gonna teach you guys how to make some pasta today maybe we'll do a little he's just the one man in utah that does not have blonde hair just like oh italian and throughout the entire time mary keeps affecting this bizarre italian He's just the one man in Utah that does not have blonde hair. Just like, oh, Italian. And throughout the entire time, Mary keeps affecting this bizarre Italian accent. She keeps going, ciao, a bella, a bellissima.

Like this pigeon Italian. It's so fucking weird and awkward. So weird. So that's weird enough. But to the apostate who didn't return her phone call or tell me enough better, she sent Whitney a different invite requesting that Whitney and only Whitney, unbeknownst to her,

show up dressed like a mafia hoe. And yeah, a party city outfit of like, yeah, like a mob mall. And she included pictures on the invite. And it's just like, it doesn't even look like a mafia girlfriend. No. It's just like this slutty Halloween costume, essentially. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then Remy, of course, is just like, what the fuck? I'm not doing that shit. And then he immediately susses out what's going on and shows up dressed like a, well, for her, a normal person for a housewife in Salt Lake City with a lot of disposable income. She shows up not wearing the slut outfit.

Mary Cox is immediately furious at Whitney for seeing through this rose. She's so offended that Whitney didn't take that help for her. She would have shot Whitney in the head at that moment. Like, I... Mary, if Mary had a gun, she would have shot Whitney in the head right that moment.

Like, I... Mary, if you... Oh, God. There's a scene in, like, The Bourne Supremacy or something where they bring Jason Bourne into a room as part of his training and tell him to shoot a guy with a bag over his head

without knowing who he is. Oh, yeah. And I feel like if you... Yeah. She would walk in and just... They wouldn't even have to ask Maryary to do it just give her a gun and a guy in the back what do i have to do wait wait yeah okay and albert albert finney's like you're gonna be one of black briars

watch it will it's african-american's in it. Let's round it out on this. Now that we've basically caught the listener up to where the show is currently. Yes. Who is the hottest? Who are we smashing? Whitney. Whitney. Whitney is all around.

Yeah. I think Meredith. I think Meredith is the prettiest. Meredith has like Mark Ruffalo face kind of a little bit I think it's from just being doing so much like value like yeah

no she's a queen she is beautiful though I love her Meredith is beautiful but Whitney is the hottest I will say yeah but Whitney is a technicality because she's the youngest. Excluding Whitney. She's like wildly younger than...

She's throwing off the curve of what the Real Housewife demographic usually is. Did you know that Whitney, my friend who is like obsessed with all Real Housewives, he told me that Whitney is a super fan of the show. She has said before that she's seen every single episode that she's obsessed with the show and she's been waiting to be on it for years. I didn't know that.

And now that I know that, it makes more sense because she's like, she kind of comes across as just like the dumb, fun one until she needs to be the smartest one. And then she's there. She's always right. Every single time, she's right. And she goes detective mode. Okay, but and she's always right.

Sans Whitney. Sans Whitney. Who are we smashing? Who? Without Whitney, where are we going? Who's the hottest? It's difficult. We can cross Heather off the list.

Heather's gone. Jen's gone. Mary's gone Jen's gone Mary's gone right it comes down to Lisa or Meredith basically Lisa or Meredith

yeah or Jenny what about Angie what about Angie Angie she's been she's been all I don't think

something goes I watched them out of order cause I had to like catch up so like I went to Ben's house and we watched like

episode one of season two and then like episode like five or i went to ben's house and we watched like episode one of season two and then like episode like five or six and suddenly there's this new woman named angie who everyone's yelling at and i'm like who the fuck is this who is this is there a new one yeah she was just lisa's friend who was on two episodes oh right yeah Oh, right. Who's also just like his cousins with Whitney because of all of the... She was one of the pioneer stock.

Wait. Oh, Shatrack Roundy? Shatrack Roundy is the most Mormon name I've ever heard in my life. Shatrack Roundy. Shatrack Roundy. Who's like Heather's great-grandfather or something. Okay. All right. Well, alright, Will. We need it.

Lisa or Meredith? Lisa or Meredith? I think I'm going to go against time here and go with Lisa. I would treat her to a lovely Chris Lavelle-style date. I would buy her shoes. She's a Jewish New Yorker.

Yeah, she's a Jewish lady from New York. So I feel like, you know, you got to take her out like, like you're just a kid from New York. Yeah, exactly. Two kids in the city. You got to go crazy with a tequila. And then, you know,

you know, sometimes, you know, sometimes, you know, things happen, you know, that, you know, tequila, you know, what can I say? You know, I just, certain things, you know, things happen, you know, that, you know, tequila, you know, what can I say? You know, I just, uh, certain things, you know, certain things, you know, uh, yeah. I would eat the pussy. All of them. Just, just, just to pay respects to pay respect to their work, to their labor.

That's the baseline. That's the baseline. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. We can wrap it up there we're gonna be doing a recap of this

every week with a new guest or jock or someone oh yeah you guys should have like Catherine on she's another oh yeah

we'll do Cass absolutely oh damn in fact if you guys wanna come over on Sunday that would be lovely to watch at our place we should

open door if you don't mind coming to Berkeley yeah it's still a real house size party it's I mean they're gonna have to start turning into parties man

it's transcendent I look forward to Sunday so much Thank you.