Seeking Derangements - *UNLOCKED* SD 216 - Goops I Did It Again

Episode Date: April 2, 2023

Today Hesse and I are joined by bushwick business mogul and multiple hate crime survivor Jake Sillen. We talk about why poop keeps appearing near Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, what doing "grey market" ozempic is like, and who is guilty in Gwenyth Paltrow's ski collision lawsuit. Finally we breakdown Marianne Williamson's abuse allegations. You can find more of Jake on our Undercover Billionaire bonus series, or her work at clubs Rash, Heaven, and Club Cringe.

and hello everyone welcome back to Seeking Derangements. Jock made a huge accident that he needs to clean up. I don't know what that means, it's just what he texted me. He made a big boo-boo, I believe. So filling in for him, we've got Jake from our Undercover Billionaire coverage, in case you've been listening to that. We're not doing Undercover Billionaire today, we're just doing a regular episode. I'm coming out from behind the desk. You're coming out from behind the desk.

I'm taking off the suit. It's kind of like when you see... Taking off that big suit you wear all the time. Like when you see your teacher in the grocery store. Yeah, yeah. It's just like that. And Hess is here as well. Hello.

Today we've got... We're talking about three queens today y'all and by that we of course mean hillary clinton we're gonna get her old ass out of the way first then we're gonna be talking a lot about gwyneth paltrow we're gonna end with a little bit of marianne drama but before we get there i was i was talking about how all these articles i have are from page six and jake jake proudly told us that she has a little tidbit what is it jake um so maybe i think you should just read off this article that i just found on wikipedia on what page six is where it came from found on Wikipedia on what page six is

where it came from. You're going to piss Hessa off. Can you read it? Hessa, could you read it? You want me to read it? Okay, hang on. Don't fuck with Hessa today. She gets mad one day a year. Hessa's mad today.

And it all comes out. The magazine was named after the area. Oh my god. What is it, Hessa? And it all comes out. The magazine was named after the area of memory in 8-bit Atari computers, covering locations 1536 to 1791, or 600 to 6FF, where the dollar prefix indicates hexadecimal notation. Memory is divided into pages of 266 bytes the first being page zero making location 1536 be page six page six memory is neither used by the operating system nor by atari basic programs

and so can be used to store the short machine code routines without them being overwritten whoa um exactly so it's not just because it's page it's not just because it's on page six. It's not just because, like I thought it was, because it's on page six of the New York Post. But it's because of that. It's because of Atari computers. I zoned out three words. It was too confusing for me.

I also didn't read it. You just made Rain Woman read made rain on your quest to turn me into rain woman and not yourself misdirecting gaslight Hessa into more autistic than she is yeah the bitch wins at trivia once in your friend gaslight I got to trivia and everyone was like oh The bitch wins at trivia once and your friend gaslights you. You have severe autism. I got to trivia and everyone was like,

oh, you're the ringer, right? I brought her to trivia and told an entire group of people that she was the ringer. That's so... Wasn't that a Johnny Knoxville movie also about how he pretended to be disabled to get into the Special Olympics? Well, that's just a different use of the same word.

That's... I don't know if that was a different use in this context. I think it's kind of exactly how she meant it. Reverse. Yeah. Let's talk about someone else. Let's talk about a different kind

of ringer. And by that, I do mean Hillary Clinton. Hillary and Chelsea smooth. Very smooth. I'm calling her retarded. Because she always wins. ringer and by that i do mean hillary clinton hillary and chelsea what's smooth very smooth i'm calling her retarded because she always wins because she famously always wins they bring her in when they need the w exactly they can't afford anything but the w hillary and chelsea clinton were at a broadway show recently and apparently this is reported all over someone pooped near them like in the aisle what do you think no doubt what do you think immediate thoughts well i read a listener if

i read the first yeah i read the first page of this article and I don't know. Not the sixth page? Not the sixth page. It seems like it wasn't intentional. It wasn't a terrorist attack. It wasn't a protest, unfortunately. But the Secret Service did tackle Hillary

and get down the second they smelled it. They were like, get down, get down get down yeah they did drone bomb the theater and press the giant eject all inside and hillary were sitting on yeah um well so someone from the theater said it was actually the fourth time that this has happened and they said that the um they then alleged there's either someone who is shitting in the aisle or serendipitously dumping defecation that they not serendipitously different word um dumping defecation seriously surreptitiously um um dumping defecation that they smuggled into the theater but yeah that's

kind of the thing it's like i'm surprised that they didn't think that there was a third option which is that the average person that goes to what is this like some like it hot it, that's kind of the thing. I'm surprised that they didn't think that there was a third option, which is that the average person that goes to, what is this, like, some like it hot? It was, that's the average. The average person going to some like it hot just happens to have probably been there 80 years. Some like it steaming hot. It would be so funny if it was like,

oh, someone near Hillary Clinton just pooped in public for the 10th time in this week. Yeah, it keeps happening while Hillary Clinton is ined in public for the 10th time in this week. It keeps happening while Hillary Clinton is in the room. Yeah. Oh no, another rogue pooper. Miss Clinton, she's like shuffling off.

Yeah, she's walking sideways. Holding her butt, yeah. I used to have to wait on Hillary and Chelsea back when I worked at Cook Shop in Chelsea. Oh, yeah. A big brunch spot. Wait, multiple times you've waited on them?

Yeah. I made them cocktails. Okay, I've always heard about Chelsea Clinton. Did you ever tell Chelsea Clinton, hey, we're inside you? Or did you make a joke about the neighborhood you were in? Oh, whoa. That'd be really weird. neighborhood you were in oh whoa that'd be really weird if i walked if i served her her like brunch martinis and told her we're inside you we're inside like a like when i like when a gay guy

goes to miami he's like miami i'm inside you exactly say that it's so gross it's so disgusting well i everybody at the restaurant hated them because not just for regular reasons. I always heard that. Not just for class solidarity. Someone would poop every time they came in. It's a busy brunch restaurant and they would bring Chelsea's baby

at the time or maybe babies. I think there's two of them and just let them run around like it's preschool. Just run around the room and they would just go up to everybody's table and they were just run around like it's like like it's a like it's preschool like just run around the room and they would just go up to everybody's table and they're just kind of like that's charming but everybody else that's so crazy because i would have figured that chelsea would be a kind of like i don't know like like scary mommy yeah like you know it was like my side it's tripping over waiters whoa wow man you mean i always heard that over the waiters

i always heard that chelsea clinton um ate standing up it's a rumor i've heard many times i heard she pooped standing up she does especially in the theater is that true jake did she eat standing up she does not eat standing up, but she also only ate salads. I've never seen her really carbo-load. She might carbo-load standing up. You would have to eat standing up a lot for that to be a notable fact about you.

What would that do? She's got a pee-pee mouth. I feel like it was probably some belief that it aided digestion or something because she's you know she's been pooping a lot she's got to get that poop out as fast as possible i don't know but i was on i was on the subway today and once again couldn't get a seat rush hour and i was thinking if i had BBL, this wouldn't be so bad because I wouldn't be able to sit. Yeah, because you couldn't sit.

My lifestyle actually affords me to be able to have a BBL. Also, you can kneel on the train. That would be so funny, taking the only open spot and you're just kneeling. There's old women trying to get a seat like sorry i have a bbl what do you do in an uber you just don't take an uber you just like lay on your stomach oh those bitches don't take bbl bitches are taking ubers that's one of the things they're absolutely

obsessed with your wing yeah but i mean they get in they probably kind of you go like knee first in and then kind of sit with their face into the headrest oh you don't think they go sideways no like a whole backseat i would i would imagine they yeah they basically are making out with the headrest. What if they stop short? With their kind of butt sitting on their heels, if that makes sense. Kind of like a praying position. Copy that. That's how you'd have to do it, no?

I would think that you would just lay down like it's your bed. Are you planning on getting a BBL? I've been thinking about it. We've been talking a lot about how you have to keep doing Uber yeah you guys know I'm just wondering

let's say hypothetically if a bad bitch you know got a BBL you all knew got a BBL where's the like BBL headquarters Miami or Santo Domingo or Columbia Upper East Side Upper East Side Where's the BBL headquarters? Miami or Santo Domingo. In New York, though. In the city. Upper East Side.

Are bitches getting BBLs in the Upper East Side? Taking the six home from the Upper East Side. Look at this train and it's all bitches on their knees. Everyone's on their knees. It's like hair-plug guys on a plane in Turkey. Exactly. The videos we've all seen of, like,

BBL bitches coming back from Miami with, like, the fleet of wheelchairs with them kneeling in them, just like, you know, looks like they're having an amazing time. The male version of that is guys coming back from Istanbul. There could be a business here. Bleeding all over the chairs because they're... BBL shuttles? Yeah.

BBL shuttles and their pews inside with Bibles and hymn books. So it's like you're in church, you know? You know, you kneel in church. Yeah, there's porn. There are two. There's godly and ungodly. And there's one that has porn and one that has church. There's BBL charter planes with porn.

Big beautiful ladies. No, but I don't know. Whoever's pooping near the Clintons, please continue. Keep it up. It's so funny. I love having a job for page six must be so much fun because the picture they used for this is Chelsea Clinton. It's like the best copywriting. Looking really surprised like, ah.

It's like, ah. What do they say? Do they have like a little catchy two liner? Because that's like the best copywriting in the country. Two human turds were spotted near the mother daughter pair when lights went up for admission. Two human turds and then it's just the best copywriting in the country. Two human turds were spotted near the mother-daughter pair when lights went up for admission. Two human turds and then it's just the picture of them. Spotlight. No, literally.

It's the word order there. Yeah, literally. It's in quotes. That is the caption of this picture. Hillary and Chelsea Clinton holding up their programs while attending some like it hot at the Schubert Theater on Watchford. You've been there. It's unclear if this picture was taken before

or after the reported pooping incident. After the four reported pooping incident, only one of which made it into page six. No, I think it's just, in all likelihood, it is probably just four unrelated incidents of old people shitting themselves at a play. One old person. I think it's one old person who is

the only person still buying Broadway tickets. It's like a chorus line. It's the oldest, it's the most geriatric gay plays ever. Yeah, asshole blown out for years and years and years.

We're connecting the dots. Yep, yep, yep, yep. I think it might be Andrew Lloyd Webber. I think it might be Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. It might be it. It might be Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's trying to get them to stop playing it. I can't take it anymore.

I just love a chorus line so much. I just had to come back for a fourth time. Oops. Excuse me. Madam Secretary. Excellent to see you. Pardon my hand. Pardon my hand, Pardon my hand.

It's a bit messy. Usually I'm really good at doing fake fart noises. One time I got, this is a prank, not really a prank. It was more bullying I did. Last summer, I was at KGB and the bar was so full. We're trying to get people to leave and I sat down across the seat table from my friend Chloe

right next to this big group of people and I was like okay just follow my lead we're going to get these people to leave and she was like okay and I was like yeah I just got back from the doctor I was talking really loud and I was like being really good I was like yeah I just got back from the doctor

and she was like oh my god what happened and I was like yeah turns out I have COVID and she was like oh my god really and I was like being really good I was like yeah I just got back from the doctor and she was like oh my god what happened and I was like yeah turns out I have COVID and she was like oh my god really and I was like and I was like yeah like he told me that COVID particles are actually 10 times more like

spreadable transmissible are you farting doing fart noises yeah okay there we go oh they're registering I see the fucking waves on my end Are you farting? Are you doing fart noises? Yeah. Okay, there we go. Oh, they're registering. I see the fucking waves on my end. I said you're going to have to put in sound effects for the other ones. I see the waves on my end.

We'll be good. She's not editing this one. But I was like saying, you know, COVID particles are like eight times more in farts than in coughs. You bend away from them. And this lady next to us wearing a giant hat. Like a 10 gallon sun hat. Period. Next to us, looked at us, and she was like, that's not funny.

You shouldn't joke about COVID particles being more potent in farts than in coughs. I was like, I'm not. I literally have COVID and I can't stop. I approved for my doctor. I went to the doctor today. And you know what? She left and we took the table. Okay. Sounds like

she's guilty. She sounds guilty to me. Sounds like the one who smelt it dealt it. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Madam Secretary, excuse me, but the one who smelt it dealt it exactly exactly excuse me about the one who smelled it i'm surprised i feel like chelsea would cry if she saw poop she has that energy to me absolutely right i Right. I feel like her eyes would,

her pupils would shrink, like really, like a lot. And she would just go into combat mode. And if you tried to touch her shoulder, she would break your arm. I feel like if she saw poop. I feel like she has like a deep seated trauma.

No, she's definitely incredibly powerful if she's in the wrong situation. Yeah. But the crazy thing about just any celebrity that lives in New York is like there's no neighborhood that doesn't have poop

on the street. Yeah. I saw a bunch today walking around. Any neighborhood. You can go to the fanciest neighborhoods. There's always poop. I don't know if I've seen

a lot of poop uptown. I have. I've seen some poop uptown. I've seen some poop uptown. I guess. There's no neighborhood. It's more frequent like in Bushwick but yeah but it's everywhere

I see poop all the time I stepped on a brat the other day that had been run over and I almost slipped on it like a banana peel it was disgusting then I almost started i could have been stuck in a loop of puking and slipping on a rat like a glitch i literally could have been because i slipped on it i looked out and i was like oh my god it was like its guts

were out it had just been run over and i was like and you puke right where you're about to take your next step. And then you slip and fall before your next step is going to happen. I was so close to puking. It's like falling down an escalator. I had been fasting and I hadn't eaten that day. So I couldn't puke.

Poor. Exactly. Speaking of fasting, eating disorders, rats, crime Etc We should talk about a second queen of the day Oh what, you want to talk about Ozempic? No, well just that I am throwing up so much

Because even just having Let's get an Ozempic update Having a glass of wine on Ozempic is an invitation to throw up Really? You're opening devil's door for the listener jake is holding up a glass of wine a giant glass big sip at the three day old orange wine wow so we've we farted already we can get a puke that's gonna be amazing has a maybe you can give us a squirt by the end okay that will be amazing but i ordered some zempi too i've got period quote unquote gray market

i call it generic even though if you look that up everything sounds much better yeah i just say oh it's just i just do generic ozempic not worth the hassle so i really the second the the sort of secondary uh uh telehealth market isn't for me i just go generic i do uh no i take which just means i order lipocloride i order it from russia reconstitute it yeah no they make you check off a box when you get it that's like i promise i'm using this animal i'm using this no it's it makes you promise to not even use it on an animal it says i'm just gonna use this for lab tests yeah I'm not gonna use it on a human

you don't need to prove that you're a scientist no you just I'm using it in my lab bitch they know I'm a scientist okay my body is a lab bitch they know I'm a scientist they rang a bell and they said oh my it's for raid woman oh my god she's gonna

cure cancer with this give her some freebies give her some bacteriostatic water now where i wonder when the order is getting here let me check it takes like a week or so these two are both on oz epic listen i'm not on it yet i've you've done it i have done it it's great it lovely. So it just completely suppresses your appetite. Um, it's kind of complicated. You don't get the fatigue that you get from being anorexic.

Yes, exactly. You could go, you can just go to dinner without eating and it's fine. See, I can, I've been doing that

this past week. Yeah, it's like, but I'll have a little something. I'll have like a scoop of peanut butter when I wake up. Yeah, I know if you, not when I wake up, like when i get if you're busy literally like you

would just forget like a dog taking medicine right exactly exactly like a dog taking medicine i'm not even kidding yeah sometimes a block of cheese a little prep in a block of cheese cheese yeah yeah my roommate my roommate knows that I'm not on prep and he's worried about me seeing the amount of guys I've brought over recently he's like hey Ben you want some cheese my roommate's been buying the nicest cheese you want a spoon full of peanut butter

hey look I left out a treat for you it's like a bowl filled with peanut butter yes you just lick it up he's worried i'm gonna die and not be able to pay rent gets me on a prep regimen every day um so i mean they want to talk about us epic at all same it seems like we just did you're looking you're looking great did bitch period yeah you're i don't know if you want to give any more updates on it. I mean, people don't know where to find me. If you have any questions.

Well, someone did message us, Jake. Someone messaged us. About a Zempik? A guy who was on Naked and Afraid, an episode, which is one of my personal favorites of that show, which I talked about on here years ago, where a guy i think i message who listens i'm i apologize for calling i'm not bullying this man he called himself fat um he is a he's a larger man when it's also a slur that's been reclaimed period he went to um by this man he went to to some fucked up place in Brazil

with this literally woman who probably subscribes to Goop now. Anorexic Portland woman who refused. This is what, like six years ago? Yes. She refused to even look at him and she was mean to him and she bullied him

and she set up her own camp and she very quickly ended up tapping out and was airlifted away. And I think he ended up winning. Anyways, that guy. It's crazy where our healthcare system has gotten in six years. It's so fucking get Ozempic from Russia. Yes. That very same guy messaged us, told us that he loved our coverage of his episode, and that he's a huge listener and heard you talking about a Zempic on Undercover Billionaire and wants to know where the hookup is, how to get it, if you can help.

Do... Okay. We can't say it on the podcast. Am I going to drop the plug right here? No, we can't. We can't. I can't drop the plug. If you want to help this man,

I will be your drug lord. No, no, no. Please do. Why? I'm going to drop the plug. Drop it. No, because I want it for myself. You want to be skinnier than everyone else? You can find this with the half hour.

Whatever cement reconstitution you're doing kills a listener i don't want to be responsible yeah so let's not drop a plug please yeah yeah okay yeah it's called seeking the bridge mints patreon.com is where you find it yeah if you subscribe $10 tier we'll give you the listen there's an okay wait a second there's an 86 character url that i will be dropping throughout the next two episodes. If you can follow all the clues. Let's just say it starts with H.

Well, what's our next topic? Let's get to Gwyneth. Let's get to the big kahuna of today's episode. Jake, you're a huge Gwyneth head. You love Gwyneth head you love yeah she's one of the she's one of the few people in the media that i will always i'll read the full story i'll check my facts i just think that she's just such an amazing business inspiration well jake and she's someone that really she has jake is a business owner lady boss this is why she's doing undercover

billionaire with us but you feel a kinship with Gwyneth. I think that she has a really amazing way of keeping her... She's an extremely successful businesswoman, an extremely successful mainstream businesswoman, but she keeps it so avant-garde. And I think that that's really hard to do. And a lot of people lose their way. How do you do avant-garde and i think that that's really hard to do and a lot of people lose their way how do you do avant-garde business you follow gwyneth like i think you're always doing it putting an arrogant pussy yeah it is pretty avant-garde yeah that's i mean that's that's

avant-garde i mean she's like chasing after um poop on goop. She is? Yeah. Goop poop? I made that up. I'm not. She's literally selling charcoal, but it's poop. I think it's from monkeys or something. Well, there's poop coffee. It's really expensive.

Yeah, exactly. It's like, why not? Civet, right? Yes. They feed it civet or something? I'd drink it. Me too. Let's have some. Yes. They peed its civet or something? I'd drink it. Me too.

Let's have some. Stand off to see who will eat poop on the show. I would do it. I would too. I'll eat one pound. I'll eat one pound. I'll eat two. Can I hear two?

Do I hear two? Do I hear three pounds? Three pounds. I'll do three. Can I eat two? Can I eat two? Do I eat three pounds? Three pounds. I'll do three. Do I eat four? Do I eat four pounds? Four pounds. Five pounds. Three pounds.

Ben, will you eat five? But, okay. Gwyneth is going through a lot right now. Okay, cut it out. She's in a lot of hot water. This week has been really insane for her. The first thing that happened has been kind of like a stewing. Should you say a hot bone broth?

Yeah, a bone broth of ordeal. She's in some hot broth, y'all. She needs someone to throw her a bone, if you know what I mean. She loves the bones. She needs someone to throw her a bone with meat on it. But she has been how does it even happen she was on a like one of these weird like tiktok podcasts talking to some fucked up gay guy about her wellness routine and she was like he was like so what's your what's your

wellness routine like nowadays and she's like so i wake up no we talk about this at sushi yeah and usually i won't have anything until lunch and then i'll have you know a soup um like i really love bone broth recently and then you know for dinner is such a funny downgrade such a funny yeah yeah and then for dinner you know i'll have like i usually try go according to paleo so i'll have some vegetables and it's just really important she did like some healthy fats right she said like avocado or something she no she only said paleo and vegetables and then she said which honestly i all of that i don't care the thing the thing that's most that's most confusing to me about this

is that she said, it's really important for me to continue and support my detox, which I understand why as- She's empty. A businesswoman who needs to continue to sell her products that have detoxifying principles or whatever, that she could never give away the idea

that a detox could end. But she's got to be the most detoxified woman on earth it's like bitch if it's not done for you yeah when that's the avant-garde that's this like relentless pursuit that she's chasing of like perfection in this one specific category in her like vertical and that she's chasing of like perfection in this one specific category in her like vertical and that she's subjecting her actual body to it and it's not merely yeah she's sort of kidding ploy it's kind of like an artwork like she is she is like just on the cutting edge of all of this she is getting the best possible nutritionist the best possible like yeah new age i mean i've never once doubted that she's doing yoni steam like she is definitely

doing all of this yes no she does all of this and it's it's cool to have her as like a north light for i think i and i think many goop fans will agree with me it's cool to have her as a north light in all of this yeah i think she's beautiful you know i think she looks great i'm really not one to talk but she doesn't look like that good you know i think i think she's really she's really what i think that is so impressive about her is that she's done just enough maintenance to age um without looking like super super worked on you know well i think she's made some really smart like the few concessions that she has made in this like pursuit of enlightenment have been really carefully like culturally chosen like she's

always done like the kind of like one cigarette a week thing which I think has kept her as just so important in this. In wellness and dieting and everything. The whole category. People go to her for what's next. There's no one else. You buy goop?

Your goop? I buy a little goop. I honestly can't afford that much goop. Even you can't afford goop? Yeah, I buy a little even you can't afford goop yeah I buy the cheap stuff what's the cheap stuff putting a yoni egg up your ass they have something called a whole egg that's like a one dollar yoni egg

and it hurts you it's painful and it's for gay guys if she was really doing off on card she would make the the bony egg yeah yeah a pain egg for i mean she's had some recalls she's not about a recall oh yeah actually getting stuck in people's pussy yes they were the jade ones i mean it makes noartz ones. It's not really a... Because, you know... It's not a thing

you're supposed to do. Yeah. Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth. I'm looking up goop recalls. Goop recalls. Oh my god. Page six. When did Paltrow recalls... When did Jock page six?

They love it. When did Paltrow recalls? Do you know where the name page six comes from has a can you read us where it comes from yeah could you read it let's get an amazing call back to that one second one second jake jake what's up with the the gweneth paltrow recalls doing cocaine and not getting caught in the 90s you thought you were gonna get her no you could never you really could never well someone woman says gwyneth paltrow's goop vagina candle exploded in her living room liar liar that's so she has the most bomb pussy that it literal literal bomb pussy She has literal bomb ass pussy. Pussy Al Qaeda. I know that's right. Okay, well, it might not be just this one

woman with a fire ass pussy who's trying to pull the wool over Gwyneth's eyes and get a fat check from her. There's another man who is trying and may be successful in suing Gwyneth Paltrow over an incident that happened on

the ski slopes of Utah. Even stupider than the exploding candle woman. You're even dumber. You're even stupider if you think you're getting a penny out of her. So, okay, I have deliberately not, I've just glazed over

the parts where the allegations are being made and skipped right to the defense. So I don't know what they're actually allegations are. Look, I'm just going to present the case to you two. I'm going to try to do it impartially. Okay, here's the way before. This guy is a fucking clout chaser. Before you tell me, this is what I from what the from the little amount that I know.

This is what I think the situation is about. from the little amount that I know, this is what I think the situation is about. I think that someone saw Gwyneth Paltrow skiing down a mountain, recognized that it was Gwyneth Paltrow somehow. Oh, somehow. You know she's dressed head-to-toe goop.

Period. Crazy outfit. She's wearing like a ceramic outfit or something. She's wearing like a ceramic t-shirt. She's wearing like a mayan headdress she's fully naked except for uh a gold chain hanging out from her yoni egg it's like oh god why did this back um and i think that this guy planted himself in the opportune place for her to crash into him and it's a pedonational skill for gay people to himself in the opportune place for her to crash into him. It's a pedonational skill for gay people to be in the way.

I don't know if this guy's gay. Let's back up a little bit. Let's back up, y'all. The statement stands either way. Yeah. Did I lie? Did you lie? Did I lie, though? I was just throwing a stray at me for no reason.

Yeah, exactly. And so then I think... This guy stray at me for no reason. Yeah, exactly. And so then I think... This guy's giving me Ben vibes. He's giving me mattress scam. All right, so do we want to... Can we get into it? Yeah. Because I've got...

And suddenly there was a medical examiner at the scene. It's fishy, y''all it's fishy so this has been going on for six years originally now this guy his name is terry sanderson he's a retired optometrist broke. 76 old. One more for the headshot. Claims that Gwyneth... Gay in the way. There it is. Claims that Gwyneth Paltrow

quote unquote plowed into him and was quote unquote skiing out of control. Knocked him out. Came up from behind him. plowed into him and was quote-unquote skiing out of control knocked him out came up from behind him plowed into him knocked him out he hits the ground he's knocked out cold she skis away with her instructor neglecting to get him medical attention so from this incident but yet he knew it was her from this incident that's crazy um mr sanderson so hard he claims he claims that uh paltry yeah slammed into him with a quote-unquote full body hit which what all 80 70 pounds yeah it's like it's like i she was wafting around that ski slope like a plastic

bag in the wind she was like the feather in mario 3 floating down yeah exactly she probably got stuck in a tree floating in a fucking tanuki suit and this bitch had the audacity to be on her private slope yes period so he says that after this full body hit it left him with quote permanent traumatic brain injury four broken ribs pain just general pain suffering just suffering Just suffering. He suffered. Different than pain. Loss of enjoyment of life, emotional distress, and disfigurement. Okay. This guy's a gold bricker. This guy is totally bullshit. He's completely lying.

Also, I feel like that's on the ski instructor. When it was going up. It is out. And he's like, should we get that guy help no no no i feel like 90 of the job as a ski instructor is telling the rich white woman that she can't ski away from someone she maybe just kills yeah also what happens on the slopes saves on the saves on the slopes exactly that's a matter for ski patrol that's ski court you have to court. He broke the cardinal rule of skiing. Cardinal rule of skiing.

You may have won this trial, but you've got a much tougher one up the hill. Once we take your ass to ski court, when we take your ass to the lodge, the great lodge, your ass is going down. That's it. A race down the big mountain. And there's only one way to decide

winner gets the community center and the girl if she wins the community center gets demoed so the doctor testifying for terry sanderson said that broke ass name terry sanderson terry sanderson auto-generated name yeah it's like and it's it's an incredibly you know the guy with his name is going to be annoying just period terry sanderson is so so annoying terry had been wrong terry had been a high functioning active person dr wendell gibby a neuro a neurodiology expert

when i'll give you a doctor yeah literally set of mr uh set of mr sanderson's injuries during testimony on wednesday more like that sanderson sanderson was doing a lot of things he was doing a lot of things before the incident he was meeting groups me he was doing lots of things he was meeting a lot of groups whatever like. Wait, like AA? I don't know. Meeting groups. Did he tell me his character might be in question? Yeah. Maybe the KKK.

Oh, the pedophile group? Your pedophile support group? Oh, your pedophile enabler group? ISIS? Pedophile enabler group? ISIS? The PEG? Oh, your pedophile enabler group? ISIS? Pedophile enabler group? ISIS? The PEG?

The PEG? Oh, your conquest group? Oh, the PEG? The USPEG? The US, the USPEG? In court. United States pedophile enabler group? Oh, the pedophile group that got kicked out of the Great Lodge?

Oh, what, the pedophile group? Oh, you Satanists? You were trying to summon satan every day he was he was doing lots of things meeting groups wine tasting skiing and volunteering okay sounds like he was an alcoholic wine tasting every day i mean no that's kind of oh that's like my terry sanderson can't go to fucking wine tasting after getting hit by a queen you're fine he's fine uh he's so fine did you see the picture of him i can't drink wine he can drink wine yeah does he imagine what it's like being on ozempic exactly he looks like bad as fuck he looks kind of hot honestly i gay does he look gay he looks gay he looks yeah all right

damn big loss for my community so a month a month after this claim was made the original claim that sanderson was hit by paltrow what does gwyneth do? She countersues. She hits her again. She hits her again. My girl. She skis into his house and it explodes. She drops a ski from 15,000 feet onto his roof. It spears him in the top of the head. It skewers him like a kebab. That's not even how she operates. She would cut off his water supply or something yeah yeah i feel like she would like mail him a poison

exactly yeah yeah and she would in her lab in goop laboratories so a month after that happened she countersues and you know what she says she says oh no no no mr sanderson i never hit you she says in fact you hit me in fact you you're gay ass hit me hit me okay the see the most disrespectful thing of this all clearly he doesn't know shit about gwyneth. Yeah. Or, well, he does, and he's really trying to make it hurt, is to have to bring her into this type of, down to this level of conversation. Park City, Utah. Conversation, I mean, A physical contact, yeah.

I mean, well, I know, I mean, accusations in courtroom, like court proceedings, is so against the goop way of life. Yeah. I know, I know. You have committed a cardinal sin against the Vatican. way of life. Yeah. I know. It's like you have committed a cardinal sin against the Vatican.

Yeah. Yeah. So she said... You must be punished so much more than what you're just let off the hook. Yeah. She said that he... That she was skiing with her kids.

Okay. She's having a nice time. What are her kids' names? Brickwall and... Apple. Gregorio. Apple is such a good name. I genuinely believe it's Apple and Bookcase. I'm not kidding. Apple is a great name.

Bookcase. I think her kids' names are Apple and Bookcase. It's not Bookcase, is it? I think it's Apple and Bookcase. If it's actually Bookcase, I'm going to lose my mind. Jake, the way you feel they need to verify this, I'm completely lying, but you are frantically checking to

see if it's bookcase i thought it was like phoenix or something it's apple and something also apple has a apple's instagram private she has a thousand followers she looks so amazing apple and moses oh moses that's a cool name um you don't think so apple apple apple of hard lorians oh my god wait did you is is apple the one that um just took the helicopter no that's sophia coppola's who didn't she didn't know she made a video was like yeah so i had to google what an onion was because i thought it was garlic i didn't know the difference between garlic and yeah, so I had to Google what an onion was because I thought it was garlic. I didn't know the difference between garlic and an onion, so I had to Google the difference. And I took a picture and then I cut this onion in half. It doesn't really look like the inside of an onion.

It looks like the inside workings of a ball sack. Anyways, I'm grounded because I tried to charter a plane or a jet with my helicopter with my dad's credit card. Her dad is a leasinger of Phoenix also. So cool. Period. She's a cool girl. So Gwynethwyneth gwyneth countersues she says that she was sexually hit by terry sanderson's gay ass while she was trying to sexually hit ski with her kids no she was hit from behind hit i mean she was what did you did you not say sexually hit

i heard gay ass oh sorry you said sexually hit did i yeah she was actually hit whatever she was hit by terry sanderson while she was skiing with her kids by his bg she said that she said that she was angry shaken and upset and that she had to quote quit skiing for the day even though it was morning i will stop at nothing to kill this man said that in court said that in court i had to quit skiing for the day even though it was morning morning is so i had to find a sauna your honor i had to go home that day i didn't get to do exactly what I wanted to. Funny enough about this,

her counter-suing, you know what she's asking for? One dollar from Terry Sanderson's broke, gay, retired ass. She wants one dollar and for her legal fees to be covered. Yeah. And of Gwyneth's account, right, that Terry hit her,

one employee has corroborated this account. So we've got an eyewitness on Gwyneth's side. We've got Zilch, zero, on Terry's side. Also, I thought you were knocked out, bitch. Dr. Terry's Dr. Jonathan Zilch was on the other side. Also, I thought you were knocked out, bitch. Dr. Jonathan Zilch was on. Oh, but you made it to trial? For Broken. Oh, but you survived?

Oh, but you're alive? Funny how you still made it to trial. I'm paralyzed from the neck down. Shut up, bitch. She said, this is another funny thing he said paltrow quote-unquote bolted after crashing into him but he later then emailed his kids after this account and didn't include any of this any of this stuff interesting he just mentioned something to the effect of he mentioned something to the effect of

quote unquote I'm famous now cloud chaser cloud chaser the way that she got those emails she's so iconic she snuck she personally snuck into his

his house his house in the ghetto exactly his house. His house in the ghetto. Exactly. His house in the ghetto of Aspen, Colorado. The amount of character defamation that we are doing. If you were immediately paralyzed, then how would you drive home and eat eight Big Macs?

Like a fat ass. Well, I actually have your uh uber eats receipt right here and it seems like while your kids were out of town you ordered i have your iq test when you were five and um you've always been brain damaged so okay there's there's there's a weird element to the argument that they brought up in court where the um sanderson's attorney said that terry doesn't have um brain damage he has what you call mind damage okay which effectively he's using google on no one yes he went late as a let him late on their ass but have you guys ever heard this term before mind damage no i'm watching a lot of svu yeah it equates i'm no it's such a svu term it equates to trauma and you know basically that once it passes somewhere

terry is afraid to ski now is the brain damage triple parentheses mind damage that he has it makes no sense at all but she's being here's the one the only thing in this entire case cases ecosystem of cases that i could place blame on going for or sort of say what was going on there is why is she skiing within proximity of someone named Terry? Why is she around normal people? Why is there the possibility? Why is she not on Goop Mountain?

She's on this mountain with this fat gay loser. Literally. Also, this guy emailing... The only reason she should be on a mountain with a guy like this is because he's being paid to like be hunted for sport she's being paid to stand still so she can hit him literally she can ski all the way down from the top of the mountain skis right through his head That's the subtext here. He's threatening to show the contract that says that she's allowed to hit him.

Also, this guy emailing his kids. You don't need to call your kids on the phone? He can't afford iPhones for him. Bad father. Absent father. Slam. You cannot affordones for your children

but somehow you could afford this large taco bell order just hours after i wish i had a gavel so i could slam it max if you want to do some extra work i'll pay you put a bunch of gavel noises in here, please. There we go. That's what gavel sounds like, right? Yeah, it sounded more like a whip to me, but whatever, it's all the same. Order in the court. Order in the court.

So Gwyneth has spoken up a little bit about this court and what's happening. She was mad that paparazzi had been waiting for outside the courtroom and that um somewhere in the court um itself pointing a camera directly at her face um if i were her i would countersue because of she's proven the effect that negative energy can have on a person and she has proven this experience has brought so much energy negative energy can have on a person. And she has proven that. This experience has brought so much negative energy to her. Well, I actually think

all press is good press. And she knows how to spin something and handle... She hasn't spun this one yet. I don't think she really needs to spin it. I feel like you just let this one happen and then it's done. I don't believe that all this is good press.

But you look good while it happens. She looks amazing. She looks great. She looks amazing in her. One of the, one of the glasses are not. Yeah, I want to talk about the glasses.

There was a picture taken of her. There've been a couple of pictures for, she looks pissed off and all of them. She looks so inconvenienced in every single picture she's like i i was supposed to kill this guy i was supposed to ritually sacrifice this fat gay man and he made it out alive and i'm in court there's a picture of her with this save it for the grand lodge amazing amazing beige turtleneck um and this picture in this article is captioned gwyneth paltrow mocked for her quote-unquote worst choice of sunglasses for ski collision trial not the glasses one fan

responded on instagram and the glasses i think she's slaying she looks amazing it is hilarious it's hilarious to choose a pair of glasses that i think a majority of americans associate with pedophiles especially in courtrooms jeffrey dahmer especially when you're wearing beige in a courtroom in a defense chair yeah she was like she's doing like serial killer cheat chic right now um she it's also just kind of given giving like picked up at her house didn't even change just like let's fucking get this over with you know she's not she's not happy there's no she doesn't smile once in this whole any image i've seen of her in the courtroom no she looks

pissed i mean imagine she could be doing imagine literally just so many she probably has like a primal scream therapy session. Literally. There's an ice bath somewhere that's getting too hot. She put a lump of coal in her pussy and there's a diamond that's coming out of her leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think, look, it's no mystery where we want to settle this case.

Terry Sanderson, you are going to jail for life electric chair electric chair be one of those people who's like yeah i don't even believe in the death penalty because it's actually worse to rot in jail for terry sanderson solitary

death death would be a present for terry sanderson that would be a relief that he doesn't deserve he doesn't deserve that relief he should have to push the equivalent weight of the amount of fast food that he eats in his that he's eaten in his life up that ski slope exactly exactly over and over again exactly fat gay sisyphus style Gwyneth I think I think she'll be okay I think she'll escape this I mean it's started

you're the seeking to write for the sucka MC of the week no I'm kidding I'm kidding Terry Sanderson is the seeking to write for the sucka MC of the Week. She's already kind of won in a way because this settlement started at $3.1 million and has now been negotiated down to $300,000. And it's like, Terry, give it the fuck up, bitch. Going from $3.1 million to $300 300 000 and you're still trying get a life okay

let's get to someone else who's probably told a lot of people to die and get a life um we are talking we are talking of course about another queen marion williamson who um has been in the news recently yeah because you haven't heard this i don't think no this is news to me we talked about it a bit on a previous episode um but i feel like you've got a good tie-in here because you're a high-powered um abusive woman brunette brunette evil has employees you rule differently as a brunette versus a blonde there's different strategies

it's like comparing it's like comparing Tolkien races or just races period I've always thought of blonde women as kind of you know the apex of white women the apex predator of white women but brunettes i don't know and you're talking about brunettes right now when you say such a thing well jake i've always i've always seen you as a little bit you've got a little bit of an auburn thing going. That's true. I'm a little redhead. Yeah, you're a little redhead.

I'm a little redhead. Yeah. I think that blonde is the highest. In your dreams. You have brown hair, Hessa. Me? Yeah. But look, when I put a light behind you, you see.

It does look kind of wine right now. You've got a, you've got a, you should bleach your hair again. You looked really good. You had blonde hair? Yeah. Hessa had bleached hair. I had blonde hair for a had blonde hair? Yeah. I never knew you with blonde hair. I was saying. I'm going to bleach it again.

Y'all wish you could see me with bleached hair. I looked crack. Crack mode. I might go back to red hair for the first time in like four years. I've seen your pictures. Don't do that. Ben, you're only allowed to go back to blonde if you get the tattoo removed you y'all have no idea how hard it was for me

you have no idea how rough my life has been being a gay guy who looks like y'all he's gay with tattoos he's gay with the two y'all y'all could only imagine tattoos the two most crackhead gays i don't i don't i don't know i don't know if it's the two most gay crackhead tattoos it's one of them i don't know which one look i i will i'll admit they're really cracked out but i think the crackiest gay tattoo is the is the outline of the stars on your rib cage oh no the no the crackiest one is the um toxic biohazard symbol oh i love that yeah like yeah yeah yeah that's so like i'm a pig yeah

my sex is disgusting as fuck i smell like ass and dick every day yeah yeah toxic pig top oh god you smell me on the train yeah i hope those guys are actually pretty cool i respect them no i love the real the real head the real sex heads out there yeah yeah respect to them this smelly disgusting yeah many could never many things could never many really could never lots think they do but you know um and anyways very um um i want to run by some of these allegations and just get maybe if you want to give her a defense or you want to tell us you don't tell us maybe you think she went too far but you've been in her position is a brunette with the peaks and valleys of a

blonde yeah it's because she's happens to also be tragically beautiful and in politics and in politics yeah so occasionally i'm gonna start off with the ones that i think are kind of i mean i don't know least offensive or like the ones that aren't that bad and get to the ones that are really bad again these are all alleged and she's addressed it we'll get to what she said but number one she made made staff sign ndas which is exceedingly common if you're working in politics i'm about to start making people sign ndas makes sense no yeah um the one thing is about the ndas she did go a little far it's alleged that she would carry them her

assistant had to carry them on the on her person and would oftentimes hand them out to uber drivers when marianne would have a rage fit in the back seat and then he would slap that uber driver with the nta alleged i i'm like if she's you she's trying to be the president you don't have time who cares huh also like she doesn't have time to care about you're trying to be the president of the United States exactly well it's like your job as a staffer is to be berated and well not even the staffer I'm just talking about like the liability of having an uber driver who can like talk about some story about you in an uber a year and a half before you became the president. Like, yeah, she's trying to be the most black person in the world.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was also, she's also already started her presidential campaign. She's not like, yeah, it's completely fine. Totally fine. All right. She,

but it is funny. The idea of her like yelling, like these fucking faggots who work for me. And then like her assistant being like, um, can you sign this please? And you, you're not allowed to talk about this and the driver just being like what it's just like no literally is it funny or is it empowering i think it's cool i think it's oftentimes both um next thing she suggested and this is merely just a suggestion. She suggested monitoring staff's phones. Ultimately didn't.

Well, here's something. Here's an idea. Toss out. Let me know what you think. Maybe she's talking about work phones. I think she meant all phones. So run me through how you think that monitoring would happen. Bitch, I don't know. I'm not married yet. There's apps for for that i'm sure there's a way to do it get a date once again she's trying to be the president

like that like i think anything that you would accept in any circle of like celebrity or tech field she like i know that like many people see her as a joke she's trying to be the president and she's got her opsec down and why do you like boots okay okay she didn't she didn't do it so yeah okay next one she once screamed so loudly um and well not once multiple times she had screamed so loudly in hotels that um complaints were made by other guests and hotel staff oftentimes had to check in to make sure everything is okay. And if hotel staff is checked, when they check in to make sure everything is okay, it's to make sure that there isn't an act of murder happening.

Sounds like she's getting pipe. Those are sex noises. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like they're being sexist and people handle a woman who's in control of her body. Marianne on grind. And her urges.

I'm running for president. If you don't have a hazardous waste site on your back, don't come over here. I mean, again, I don't yell at your stuff. It's fine. I'm also like, if there was... Get more specific if you're trying to get her for something. Yeah, it's just that she was screaming in a hotel,

which who hasn't? She was berating her staff. The fact that she hasn't, that they haven't gotten into more details, it's nothing crazy. Yeah, well... If she was saying, kill yourself in a hotel, it's like saying kill yourself in a hotel it's like

there was one specific incidents incident in which they have brought up specifics that triggered a marianne um rage fit and it was because staff booked for her a hotel room which had a um no porn which had a instead of having a it did not have a walk-in shower and marianne had mandated that anyone who's doing booking must get me a hotel room that has a walk-in shower stall not a tub shower combo and honestly this is because she's an older woman and doesn't want to trip and fall she wants to be able to walk in, walk out. Is she 70? Not have to vault over a tub. Okay, so the staff was trying to kill her.

They tried to murder her. They tried to murder her. They tried to murder her. This is attempted murder. I'm sure that's what she was screaming at them. You tried to fucking kill me? You're after me. Everyone's after me. Everyone's after me.

Everyone's after me. I can definitely see her being a paranoid freak. These scenes. Anyone arguing that she's in the wrong here, you would fucking love it if this was Anna Wintour. Oh, you would love to have that. You would love it. You would be twice as mad.

If this was Meghan Trainor. If this was Meghan, forget about it. You would love it. You'd be twice as mad. If this was Meghan Trainor. If this was Meghan. Forget about it. If this was Meghan Trainor asking for an XL shower. You would love it. She was mad that her bed isn't a California King. You bet she would be eating it up.

Triple XL shower. Exactly. She was mad at her daughter. Why are there two tandem toilets next to each other? So my husband and I can hold hands while we poop. Megan Trainor, the funniest thing about her is

she's not even fat. She just seems fat. Yeah. Because I looked at a picture of for recently and i was shocked to realize she wasn't like morbidly obese no she's not she's not even close to obese she's like a little she's like celebrity fat but she's yeah she's celebrity fat but i genuinely thought that she was like the white lizzo anyway no absolutely me and megan trainer have similar bmis like yeah yeah i know don't talk about yourself like that um lizzo who by the way i actually i respect now i love lizzo i think she's hilarious her music her music makes me want to kill myself but as a a performer, I think she's lazy. Next thing Marianne did

is she threw phone at staff three to six times. Okay. Big window there. It kind of seems like lagging is happening, but what do you think? I'm like, since, what, 2017? You think that's... How many times have you

thrown a phone at your staff? It sounds like she did it once a year, like on her birthday. It was a special birthday treat. Six times in six years. Maybe it was April Fool's Day. I love the idea for Marianne's birthday. She makes her staff like a

inverting, like a firing squad where it's one person firing on 20 people and she's just throwing phones at them like darts. Well, I mean, six times in six years. You do the math. Yeah, true. I mean, that's...

How many times... When's the last time you threw your phone at someone? Have you thrown your phone at someone before? An employee? Me? Yeah. No, I have a 12 Max. You have a 12... Oh, an iPhone 12 Max? What do you mean? Exactly. What do you... a 12 Max. You have a 12?

Oh, an iPhone 12 Max? What do you mean? Exactly. What do you think? You think I've got some bricky 7? Oh, so you mean your phone is too skinny to waste throwing because it couldn't even inflict harm on the phone? My phone is worth more than the person I'm going to be throwing it at. It's not worth throwing.

Okay. it's not worth throwing okay she routinely ridiculed and mocked staff on their appearance and would often experience episodes of foaming and spitting and uncontrollable rage berating staff until they cried foaming what her mouth was spitting you're like a rabid dog come on you just flat out don't believe this one i just don't believe seems a little dramatic i mean campaign staffers are the most like dramatic people ever yeah foaming you really gotta get worked like you have to be having a seizure to foam at the mouth I feel like yeah she was probably having a seizure and they neglected

to help her she would get so angry that she started shaking and was all the ground shaking for her okay I love this one honey if you were up against the DNC you'd be foaming him out against the mount about the mouth too literally literally um this is my favorite one

um she was sent to an emergency room after repeatedly banging on the window of a car so much that it um caused her immediate injury immediately don't believe it because I know that she's the type of woman that could break a car window if she had to. Yeah. Well, this one she did confirm. She did admit to this one, though, by the way. Yes. She has a really amazing... What did she say?

Look, I don't care. I think I... This one's fine, I think. For any of the horrible things... Not even horrible. For any of the horrible things, not even horrible, for any of these mean things Marianne has done, I absolutely 100% guarantee you that

Hillary Clinton's probably eating a baby. She thought there was a hot dog in the car. Yeah, there was a dog. His favorite playlist wasn't on. Yeah, exactly. It wasn't dying or anything it's just its favorite playlist yeah she smashed her wrist trying to get the dog out of the car

top gaming tracks was playing she would rather kill herself than see a dog in pain without his favorite playlist on yeah in the car she tried to break the glass up so she could slit her wrist she was playing fresh finds but she knew it like new music friday yeah yeah exactly um no for real i mean i'm sure all of this stuff is it was glitch core but he likes hyper pop probably true but i um would believe that the dnc um would work with their corporate media lackeys to put out this hit job just to put marianna in place to be honest with you um she does be the first time would not be the first time and she does make a um she makes a few rebuttals to this all these allegations since

it comes out um since it had come out i would argue that the dnc has done things this crazy before oh yeah yeah yeah absolutely williamson's campaign dismissed the report as quote-unquote slanderous accusations that were quote categorically untrue these are former staffers trying to score points with the political establishment by smearing me. That might be good for their careers, but the intention is to deflect from the attention

from the important issues facing the American people, the candidate told a political statement. This presidential campaign expects concerted efforts to dismiss and degenerate us but the amplification of outright lies should not occur period um marion's williamson did acknowledge that she sought medical care after pounding on the car door and once raised her

voice in a hotel room once raised her voice in a hotel she's She's all green in my book. Saying a car door is not a person. And I would never physically hurt a person. Because of these three milkshake stories, I'm seeing three wins for the women. Literally. She said finally, I find it hard to believe that people in politics have never raised their voice before.

Williamson also denied mocking anyone over their weight. That's another allegation. It's funny that she's the one who specified. And they said, wait, they didn't accuse you of that. Never uncled anyone a fat tub of lard.

I haven't done that a dozen times. Yeah, no. tub of lard okay i haven't done that a dozen times um yeah no we're still voting for her let's get a rundown hillary is shitting herself constantly gwyneth win for the women guilty win for the women kill yourself you're fat faggot win for the women. Marianne, President S of 2024. If we have anything to say about it.

Jake, thank you. Presidentress. I get used to saying that one. We don't want to get any phones thrown at us. Jake, any plugs? Anything you want to plug? Support my businesses. Support Jake's businesses Jake if you aren't

listening is on every episode of the undercover billionaire reviews with us and we'll put anything in the links in the bio if you have them thank you for listening today everyone and thank you for joining Jake bye

bye And thank you for joining, Jake. Bye. Bye. Bye. And she will always be the beloved woman Who was so dear to me Love with dizziness, lies and lies The smile of my girl Where will I go? Tomorrow, my whole life Where will I go? The smile of my girl Where will I go? The smile of my girl Where will I go?

Tomorrow, my whole life Where will I go? Viva Maria, wait for me I'll send you a smile when the time comes