Seeking Derangements - *UNLOCKED* SD 218 - Let Them Draw Him

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

We are finally unlocking this previously paywalled episode, we talk about Dylan Mulvaney who was being powerfully annoying at the time but more importantly we take an online morality quiz which unveils a fundamental and lifelong misunderstanding Jacques has had about....drawing him....

Hello everyone and welcome back to Seeking Derangements. I'm here with my two beautiful co-hosts as always. It's John. It's Hessa. Hello. Hessa's got a new haircut that she thought we were both insulting her for. She's too homophobic to hear a compliment from a gay man and not assume that it's an insult. Yeah, I told her's that I look smart.

I said, Hessa, the haircut, your haircut makes me look really smart. And you heard, it makes you look smart. You look real smart. I said something really nice. I said she looks like she's the author of a self-care help book.

What was the title of that book? B-Shock? Trans. The Challenger Space Shuttle Disaster Method. care help book What was the title of that book, B? Shock? Trans. The Challenger Space Shuttle Disaster Method. Shut up. No. Trans woman. How to do it. Who's popular? I think the Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion Method is better.

Imagine yourself as a rocket ship. My smiling face on the front and the Challenger explosion behind me. Hessa's highly academic book is going to be

how the Challenger spaceship Bistro is inherently queer. It will be called like Queerstro. Queerstro. I know that's right oh my god they're losing 10 nothing this is gonna be a very has to distract it up no no i turn it off leave it it on. No, I actually want you to leave it on. Do you remember when we were having dinner and I thought... You thought the mascot for the match was called the maniac?

I thought it was like a crazy little guy. No! It's just a normal guy. The maniac's here! Don't! Put him back! Put him back in the cage! They have to blur him on tv because he's yeah they have to they have to pixelate him because he's too he's too freaking crazy confusing like a short guy

you saw at the game no i know what he looks like i know what mr matt looks like he's iconic i just thought his name was the maniac oh my god he just looks like Mr. Matt, a smiling man with a baseball. Mr. Mr. Matt. Yeah. Jacques, you've seen Mr.

Matt. I'm sure you've seen Mr. Matt. How does he not know this? He lives in fucking New York. I know what Mr. Matt looks like. Yeah.

The green monster man. See, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. The Philly fanatic is what Ben is thinking. I don't know what Mr. Matt looks like. Well, the thing is don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, the Philly Fanatic is what Ben is thinking. I don't know what Mr. Man looks like. Well, the thing is, I know what the Philly Fanatic is also. Oh, my God. Can we just talk about the maniac for an hour?

He's so dreamy. No. No. I don't think. He doesn't exist also. The whole joke is that he doesn't exist. He exists in my heart. Yeah.

I mean, maybe I was willing my dream man into existence. A crazy guy who loves baseball. Beats up people for his job. No, put the maniac back in the cage. Anyways, for April Fool's Day, which was recently, did you guys... Don't. I avoided you like the plague because i knew that you if thank god a relative of mine didn't die on that day and i got like a text because i would have been like fuck you ben nice try ben i bought as a result of ben's text messages which

will explain i blocked him for over 24 hours i was so pissed i pranked jock and it was literally not even it was the most it was the laziest prank i've ever done on a person it was you're a very a hard person to prank because you're the retribution is swift and drastic and you take it very seriously so i don't even try to prank you anyways the real pranks i did on april fools i got two people so good it felt amazing my friend i had a friend who i was supposed to go to miami with for her birthday and i couldn't go because i have mono it's still it's still kicking my ass i i really regret kissing that 13-year-old girl. Did you get Mono too, Hussa?

No, I didn't get Mono. Thank God. I believe it's just me. But I missed out on a flight to Miami, and I know that she was flying back on the first, which coincidentally is also her birthday. So I looked at her location, and I saw that she was in the airport. And I knew she was flying Spirit because we were all talking about buying tickets together.

So I look up Spirit flights departing from Miami on that day. I get the flight number. I get the terminal that she's currently in. And I know she's flying Spirit so I get on my little Google voice app and I text her from a number that she doesn't have saved in her phone

in all caps SPIRIT PASSENGER ALERT it's so mean it's SPIRIT PASSENGER passenger alert all flights leaving terminal c oh no it wasn't all flights it was flight nw74 headed towards newark um in terminal c is going to be late six plus hours due to a storm front advancing over the west atlantic all that's bullshit and then i was just like buy uh talk to a spirit airlines uh customer service representative at the counter or rebook tickets here and then i put a link in and i sent that to her and then i realized after sending it i was like oh fuck like this isn't a prank where i'm gonna hear back you're not gonna text the

spirit number back like i'm not to know if she's freaking out. So I kind of fucked myself with that one. That's a mean prank. She was with another mutual friend of ours. So I texted my mutual friend. I'm like, how's it going? She's like, our flight's been delayed. And I was like, oh no.

What if they left the airport? I know. And so I immediately texted her back. She thought that the flight was cancelled for probably like a minute tops. But I texted her back and I was like, it's Ben, but my Google voice phone number

doesn't do autocorrect. Or it does in like a weird way. Anyway, the text I sent her said, it's Bean. She was like, who is Bean? It's Bean. it's Bean. B-E-E-N. She was like, who is Bean? It's Bean. It's Bean. One week.

It's bad. It's bad. But she was like, oh my God, I can't believe I even thought that was real. She was like, you misspelled Spirit Airlines. It was Sprint. Sprint Airlines customers. Sprint Airlines. Sprint Airlines. Sprint Airlines Sprint Airlines yes

she was like I thought it was real because there's a link in it and I was like bitches will believe a text if there's a link in it it's crazy and the link was just to spirit.com free book tickets here cause that's what they do at the end of their text messages

I know but I got her I don't like you as a trickster I prank people really bad but you only let it go on for like a minute you know and then it's fine what about the dog one the dog one was worse the dog one you killed a dog

way worse no I didn't kill a dog why did you killed a dog? It's way worse. No, I didn't kill a dog. Why did you kill a dog? Dogs oftentimes have tried to kill me when I'm in a golf cart. That does happen a lot. In my defense, for what I'm about to tell you, dogs have tried to kill me in the past. They attack me everywhere I go. But is my friend who, look, she's got a dog who who i love i love this dog and it was bella i used to

live with her this dog has had a history of getting kicked out of several doggy daycares for being a little bit too aggressive to other dogs um and i did a lot of research on this prank i texted this was crazy you found the name of a guy who actually worked at the dog i did research on this one i text her brother and i was like what's the name of the doggy daycare that bella goes to and he was like he it's funny he sent me a screenshot of their location on like google maps so i'm like getting like it's called brooklyn pawfist and i was like okay perfect and so then i went to their instagram and scrolled until i could find a picture with a man in it because they're mostly dogs unfortunately they don't dox their employees.

For people to impersonate. Hello, this is Rover texting you about your dog. So I found this guy named, let's call him Jerry. I hate you. I'm sorry. Wait, I just have to pause for a minute. These pranks are so mean-spirited. You have to pause.

Pause. Pause up. Ruff, ruff. This bark is meaner than it's bite so i did um i got the guy's name so i texted the dog owner hey this is jeremy at the pawfist wait let me get up the exact let me me get the exact text. Yeah, the exact text is so funny. So good. It was so, she, look, I will say we are completely fine. She loves the prank. She thought it was funny.

Hey, blank. It's Jerry from the Poffice. I wanted to let you know that unfortunately, Bella is going to have to repass her temperament test. I had a coworker tell me about how, tell me about some aggressive behavior bella displayed last time she was in now you know we love bella but we do have to obey protocol let me know how you'd like to proceed thank you two minutes later okay hi j hi jeremy

i'm sorry to hear i'm sorry and shocked to hear that i feel like i i feel like i've asked before and i've never heard any feedback about her being aggressive maybe may i ask what she did does this mean she's getting kicked out i guess you let me know how you think we should proceed to my knowledge everything's going okay but thank you for letting me know it's just i. I'm sorry. I did not think he would fall for this. Oh my god. Okay, let me just say, I immediately told her it was me because this girl, one, has got a huge temper, and I confirmed

with her, she was like, yeah, I was about to start yelling at Jeremy's little gay ass. She was about to flip out on this fake guy. I know exactly who you're, I realized who you were talking about towards the end and I was like, oh my God,

she would flip. Oh, she was about to kill Jeremy. Yeah, she would have killed you. So again, I don't understand why you want to dance around

in the danger zone with your little, without a bulletproof vest on. It's the thrill. Ben loves the thrill. It's the thrill. She's not going to kill me me she's mad at jeremy she's sorry i told her it was me and she immediately started laughing and called me but

she did say in the interim that she um yelled at her boyfriend she's like we were out walking and i got into a fight with my boyfriend and we broke up yeah i was like oh tell them i'm sorry i know both of them these pranks are so mean it's fine a hundred percent no no no they're all mean at varying degrees including mine and if you have done both you people loved them and they got an amazing they got an amazing joke they got an amazing laugh out of both of these pranks. It's a beautiful part of friendship. They're not mean. The prank you did to Jacques was something we've talked about on the podcast

before because we did a whole episode dedicated to it, I think. We did not. That's a lie. Search our episode archive for an episode called Make Sure I Don't See You Around. No, no, no. Tesla's having a new haircut and is literally making up shit all day now um it's not true yep and then ben barely shaved his face so he also is just lying to cover it so oh my god but i digress

it's okay so what i did to joock is I texted Jock off my Google number the text. It's this. I would like to read it out. Which is now copypasta because I've sent it to about 70 people last year. And the nice thing about it actually, the very beautiful thing about it

is it brings people together is what this does. They've now all sent it to other friends of theirs this year so it's spreading the christmas cheer the april fool's cheer yeah jock i have it in front of me and it really scared me and i was at work and when i saw it i chose to ignore it because i was like god what drama is starting at 1209 p.. my time when I'm at work. Okay. It's weird for me to even have to say this,

but it's weirder that you would do it. I know what you said about me, and I'm angry, but more so I'm hurt. I thought we were close. Guess not. Make sure I won't see you around. Then, to confuse me more... it wasn't to confuse you more it was to backtrack because i realized i was like oh god i shouldn't i shouldn't start no

jock because he's not gonna be normal about this i get you sent that text message something was started so let me begin to say how at 127, Ben text message, sorry, wrong number. Clearly when you receive a message like that, it is of odd purpose. So now I'm like, okay, okay. You want to confront me while I'm at work about something I don't even know what you're talking about? Fine, let's go.

Let's do this this i start calling back and i'm like you did not cry no i did not cry did i you you didn't even you can't i never say i cried okay sorry so then i began the jock jock texted me back and said who is this and i said is this jock and then jock called the google voice number but when i get a call from google voice it just shows up as jock on my phone because it's just it reroutes to my number so i answered it and i'm like i answered i'm like hey what's up and jock's like who is this and i'm like why the fuck is jock calling me asking me this and i was i didn't say anything because i was waiting for him to say something he he's like why'd you send me that tip you pranked 30 people that day

I pranked myself because John called me and I forgot the dumbness on him I was devastated I'm in my friend's car screaming and he was like who is this and so I was like what and then I realized it and I was like you know who it is

he's like pretending to be an even gayer guy and Doug's like I don you know who it is. Just like pretending to be an even gayer guy. And Doug's like, I don't know who this is. I'll apologize for what I said if you just tell me who it is. And I was like, oh, you know who it is. No, and then I'm more confused because I'm worried because I'm like, oh, God, what drama have I started that I can't back it up? I love that you immediately owned up to saying something terrible about someone, but you just needed to know who it was. Well, I mean, like, I can say a lot of bad things.

All right. Which one of you is it? Just tell me. Tell me. No, I'm just like, come forward if you're going to get to come try to malicious. You knew about that prank. I maybe wasn't about that prank. Maybe Jock wasn't on that episode.

I think that was a solo episode of me and you. I did it to Jock. My head has a collection of traumatic brain injuries, strokes, and head trauma. Do you think that that is a soup that adds up to me remembering one tiny little prank that your insignificant

prankosphere pulled. You took it this seriously. Yeah, I took it very seriously. I'm still serious about it right now. You would think you'd remember. Anyways. I'm sorry. Officially, I'm sorry. Well, thank you for apologizing. It's weird for me to even have to say this, but it's

even weirder that you would do it. I'm not going to start it again. You can't see me right now, but the vast sheer disappointment on my face would do it. I'm not going to start it again. You can't see me right now, but the vast sheer disappointment on my face would say it all. It is one of the scariest texts to get. It's really, really scary. If someone sent me that text,

I'd kill myself. Or I'd probably just block their number. It did get me into a lot of trouble last year. If that is any console to you, it got me in a lot of trouble. year. If that is any console to you, it got me in a lot of trouble. Some people were just like, yeah, I said it and I don't care. And I was like, whoa.

The second I walked to you and I realized who had sent it to me, I was looking up flights to New York to come and prank revenge you. Well, that's the thing. No one ever gets me back. I love being pranked. I would have arranged with Hessa

and the prank I would have pulled. Well, I'll just keep it a secret. It would have scared the shit out of you. Don't tell me. Don't even tell me. I want to be pranked really good one of these days. One of these days. Well, Ocean's Eleven him.

You know, I've really never been pranked like that bad. We're going to herald and maud him. We're going to do the sting. We're going to herald and maud him. We're going to do the sting. We're going to set up a fake restaurant. Pay actors to be the waiters and stuff. I would love that. Well, the dog owner said that she's going to

get me back in a way that I'd never expect. She did threaten me. I'm going to be honest. Ben made me so mad from that prank that my nose bled. and i wish this was alive i have a picture of it too um to prove it are you are you um compiling evidence for a lawsuit against me or something we're taking a picture of that wink wink i don't know y'all he's mean to me he's so mean to me your nose bled because you were so mad i swear to god and my nose has not

i guess i believe it i'm sure there's also like seven other reasons your nose is bleeding just yeah yeah i mean there could be some other reasons yeah okay thank you for being honest about that um okay let's get just let's get to something else that's in the news um dylan mulvaney my queen i have been she was someone i in my tiktok journey like saw all the time just because i think they had like the lgbtq badge on me and they're like feed this faggot you know i looked her up but she looked not even a lick familiar yeah it's she's never seen like tiktok it's just an annoying talk internet he's like this is my first day buying tampons as a as a woman she has a series a series called um days of girlhood where each day she would give an update on like newfound things in her life as like a newly transitioned woman um and i look personally find her to be exceedingly annoying um but she is so so like popular at this point

that people are like literally like dedicating hours of their day to like hating her and like trying to kill her and like yeah really really really dislike her so it's like what's the point in hating dylan um and ollie london was so mad because who's ollie london that's the guy really years and years that really warmed my heart he's jock it's the guy that um tried to become a korean woman and then detransitioned and then yes yes yes yes he did completely total his face he looks like he's that he's like faster than daddy's lamborghini he's always been a girl fresh out of rehab completely totaled okay done for like crushed into a cube okay he looks like tom cruise in vanilla sky

so he um i mean he literally dedicated his life he put his face on the line to become clickbait oh my god just for the attention his ear is so fucked up his one baby ear the trans went an ear from a baby under his head he looks so fucked up and clearly this is someone who did what he's accusing Dylan of doing you know

someone who's transitioning and making a mockery out of women and doing it just for a check you know and it's like and it's like girl you did that and you got zero dollars and you look like if you put the dh filter on joan rivers the day she died wait do you have a blue check because you're trans i don't have a blue check oh no yeah the blue the blue check means trans yeah but he quote tweeted her because she recently did a uh she did a new what do you call it sponsorship deal um spawn con with bud light which is it's bud light is one of the funniest

brands for her to pair with because i feel like all of these brands know that if they get a trans person to do an ad with them at the height of this like really transphobic panic like all this homophobic like groomer stuff that's happening right now it's like okay let's get one let's get the most famous doll the most annoying doll let's get her on get her to a sponsorship we'll get so much free press but also i feel like bud light lost a majority of their customers during covid um yeah to death yeah they died oh my god um so they may be trying to get you know a younger crowd i mean the video is so funny it's like it looks like um if i like it looks like if i did like a ton of ketamine like way too much ketamine

and i like was watching my tv and just like zoned out on like an edible and ketamine. And I just like would come to like towards the end of that video and be like, what the fuck is this? What am I watching right now? She has this like, she has this kind of like Aubrey Hepburn aesthetic. Wow. And it's her with little tiara and a bubble bath drinking Bud Lights that are kind of on a carousel,

like, you know, kind of stacked to your serving she takes like three sips out of one bud light but she has like 60 on a tray yeah and she's just dancing around like um like it's like the song that should be playing yeah the song that should be playing in the background is like girl put your records on it's really i hear that i hear that song that song it's amazing whenever i um that song plays in my head whenever i see a woman riding a bike because of the music video i don't know i just what happens i just like go into a trance she's like riding a bike, like a basket on it.

It's like, girl, go put your records on. Girl, put your records on. Okay, girl. But she was looking,

she was looking so skinny in that video. She is incredibly skinny. Her FFS looks pretty good. So jealous. I think she's amazing. I think that like the amount of sponsorship she's doing is kind of insane it's like slow down a little bit just just for your leave some for the other selves you know leave some for the other tools leave some for other people because at this point

it's bud light tampax kate kate spade kitchen aid the plaza hotel not kitchenaid kitchenaid is the funniest one to me because that ad probably killed at least six like old people yeah it's not benny crocker the head explosion from uh the fucking no it's like that's what i was thinking of yeah it's like what it's like what it's the what is now a tired joke like what a sour patch kid killed a victorian child it's like well would dylan mulvaney making like a lemon meringue kill your grandma

bitch is dying and then she's in also oh crest did you crest oh my god she is incredibly busy um good for her i guess i think she is yeah Did you press? Oh my God. She is incredibly busy. Good for her, I guess. I think she is.

Yeah. She's really annoying. And like people are not the right wing. People are always like, oh, this is clearly this is content for children because Dylan Mulvaney does have a very like kind of positive, upbeat, like Spongebob disposition. But the real tea there is that it's not for children of course it's for adult babies it's for disney adults and yeah they like seeing and chasers maybe but they like i don't even think this way you know is that even a market i think chasers just follow like me on twitter yeah i don't think Maybe the Bud Light ad is for the chasers. I don't know.

Or is that a reach? No, I don't know. I think she definitely has a huge audience and it's like going to keep growing. I think she's probably going to like be one of the most, if she's not already, like the most famous trans person. Who else?

Like Laverne Cox? Tracy Lissette. I doubt it did you see j rodriguez uh just thinking of the cast of pose i'm talking about the top i'm talking like top tier like but sponsorship is the top doll of them all but um so we gotta we gotta strut your shit down the block and get some sponsorships. I know. How do I not have any? I know, how do you not have any?

We should do a top 10 dolls of all time for Time Magazine. They should definitely put us in charge of that. Number one, Hessa. Leave me number two. Mother. No explanation. Dominating myself for number two yeah I guess Dylan

you know dear shit girl did you see that video I like girls being named Dylan that's a cool name did you see that video of her and Laverne Cox on the red carpet yeah when she's like I love you and Laverne Cox is like yeah you do a lot of videos you do too many videos when she's like, I love you. And Laverne Cox is like, get away from me, cracker.

You do a lot of videos. You do too many videos. You talk about too much stuff. You're doing too much. You're doing too much. Chill. She looks so uncomfortable. She also seems like a little... She's popping some addies.

Oh, yeah. Dylan seems like an addy queen or five ants out of her tiny little skull but good for her um I hope you keep it up queen um dolls keep getting money yeah I feel like maybe she'll

do like a bass pro shop partnership next like a academy yeah academy sports uh retailers um oh my god you could do buffalo wild wings buffalo wild wings yes buys honestly inherently straight there we go oh my god you and this buffalo nonsense we mentioned where they invented the sauce. Yeah, but like, who the fuck cares? Hello? It's not even like a Buffalo mozzarella. It's nothing.

Oh my God. Buffalo. Period. Period. Hez is about to scream with anger. We've got some quiz for you guys today. Yes. I love quiz. Dr. Professor.

Copycat. Back again. Whore. What? Oh, did we say it at the same time? I didn't even hear that. Yeah. Dr. Professor's back. I'm so happy that Dr. Professor

comes over sometimes to make sure I'm okay mentally. Yeah. It should cool Mojo in for a quiz. Maybe cool Mojo in for a quiz. Oh, gosh. No, I don't have that much room. I do not have that much room on my screen.

Can you believe I finally got a new doctor? That's amazing. Did Dr. Shanley Hood die? Please tell me Dr. Shanley Hood did not die. No. When that man dies, I'm going to his funeral, just so you know. When that man dies, I'm going to shoot a rifle at his funeral into the air.

Not at a person. I'm going to transition into the afterworld when he dies because, boy, is it going to be hard to live without him. You got to follow your pill train. You got to follow my heart is what you were trying to say. Not pill train, you jerk.

This quiz is going to reveal a lot about the inner workings of your mind and probably a lot of your biases, a lot of the ways you make decisions and on what basis and for what reason. So,

question one. Oh, sorry. Actually, let me tell you this. There there's a scale this is a ranking answer all right so it's gonna go from very very bad this is a very very bad thing to bad not so bad neutral to the positive end which which is good, very good, or I would do it. God. Does that make sense?

So many options, I gotta write it down. Does that make sense? What? Yeah, that makes sense to me. Okay, thank you. So. I'll leave by example. Damn it.

I'm talking about. So number one. Can you send me the answers? Those aren't answers. It's okay, let's just go with it. let's just go with it let's just go with it in sex education class the students are asked to inflate a condom with their mouth would that be very very bad very bad bad neutral good very good or i would do it. In sex education class, the students are asked to inflate a condom.

I'd inflate a condom. You mean I would do it? I guess you would be the teacher. You would be the teacher. I would say neutral. I say bad. It's just like not the worst bad, but it's definitely inappropriate. To ask a kid

to inflate a condom with his mouth I don't know it just sounds inappropriate it does seem like there wouldn't be what's the utility I want to keep my job there's not much utility there unless you know get a laugh at it it would be kind of funny maybe

I don't know I'd say neutral because it's kind of funny I hate laughter yeah that's true i know that um all right question uh two an army lieutenant neglects to file a report on a civilian killing done by his troops because he knows it's an accident. I'd say that's very, very bad. Very, very bad? Okay.

That's very, very bad. Quick call from House of Jock. What do you think? Very, very good. Would you cover up? No, no. I'm kidding. Very, very bad. If you give me the wrong answer, Dr. Professor, I swear to God, this guy rigs it.

As a doctor, I don't really get that sense of humor, so you've got to be kind of careful with me. I'm a very literal doctor. In sex education class, in sex education class, the students are taught

that since the sexes are equal, the girl should sleep with as many guys as they want without the fear of being considered sluts. This literally sounds like... They use those words? Yes. Okay.

It's verbatim. Do you want me to read it again? No, you don't have to. I imagine Stephen Colbert reading that out loud to his students. What? It's very strangers with candy okay yeah um i think that is neutral yeah i think that's probably a little bad if you phrase it like that a little a little bad hessa yeah i think it's because you shouldn't teach girls i think it's fair it's a little bad, Hessa. Yeah, I think it's probably bad. Because you shouldn't teach girls that. I think it's fair. It's a little bad because you shouldn't teach girls to have sex with as many guys as they can because it's equal?

Yeah. Okay. No, I just don't think... Just checking. I think girls should know that they're sluts if they have, you know... Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go. You fucking got that. What's wrong with being a slut? Everything. Okay, next one hannah next slide hannah horvath from girls yes hannah horvath hannah horvath inherited an old flag for an old flag of her country from her father uh-oh is it an old country flag all right but she's never used it one day hannah is cleaning the house and she discovers that she's out of rags so she uses that flag to clean the house very bad i would do it myself or i would do it immediately i mean it depends on what country

you've got a little you've got a little italian flag with like a woman being beheaded on it for sicily okay well the sicilian flag have you seen a sicilian flag it's a woman's head with three legs coming out of it in like a triangle yeah it's actually a woman's head whoa yeah it's actually a beautiful woman's head with three legs coming out of it that are bent and in like a triangle shape. Oh, that's pretty cool. Traditional three-legged woman triangle. Yeah, there's the name for the thing. That's what bitches look like in Sicily. Yeah, Sicily bitches.

Your flag would be some kind of like crawfish holding a gun. It would be Kermit the Frog sitting on a log with a banjo in his hand. No, my flag would be Bart Simpson with a gun with an upside down peace sign that says stay away exactly don't touch i would say bad those two i mean it depends on what country it is you know i guess like yeah if it's like nazi germany if it's like fascist italy i think

you can use that as a rag. All nationalism is disgusting. Okay, so I would say I would do it myself. Even if it's the Bart Simpson flag of Acadiana. Even if it's the Cajun flag of Acadiana. I'll say neutral because I can't really make a judgment without knowing where Hannah

comes from. I mean, you could assume that... Going by the premise that it's hannah horvath from girls i think her parents are jewish so it's probably what parents are jewish yeah so it's an israel flag so we're definitely gonna be using that to clean up yeah i'll say neutral i'll say neutral all right bob and pam are siblings bob has given ten bob and pam are siblings. Bob and Pam are siblings. Bob is given $10 by their father and is told to distribute it.

Bob, is they them? Yep, they're them. Is told to distribute it between them as he likes. Bob gives one to Pam and pockets $9 himself. Let's go boys. What do we think?

I think that's probably fine. It's fine. Fuck Pam. Pam sounds like a bitch. Yeah, Pam sounds like kind of a bitch. It's kind of a stuffy name. Yeah. Never met a Pam I like, so that's 100%.

Actually, that's a lie. I would do it myself. Actually, there's a Pam from New Jersey or New York. Actually, Bill is they them, so I'm going to say that's bad. Bob. I'm going to go the opposite. Bob's done for because he's they them. So you're going to say

you dead named him. He went from Bill to Bob. He switched to Bill. Just to trip you bitches up. And my answer is I love him again. It's. And my answer is I would do this. It's good. It's good. It's good.

My answer is I would do this. It would be so funny. The correct answer. Yeah, I would do that too. I'm going to pass this quiz and you're going to fail it, Hessa. Why? Because I have the right answers and Hessa keeps choosing the wrong ones. I chose the same one as you for that one.

No, you didn't. Sorry, Jock, what was your answer? I said I would do that. Hessa said bad. No, I said I would do it. I changed it. She said she would do it. We still got some time here to change. After Bob changed his name to Bill.

Man, fuck this. When they transitioned to they. Just to switch it up on you bitches keep your bitches guessing period from bob to bill all right all right well while on a live while on a live on air tv show, a man kills a baby rabbit with a knife. This is the most fucked up quiz you have ever read. Is there like a reason for it?

Um, I mean, you could assume education. What did the rabbit do? I mean, I would say, I mean, what if that rabbit was, you evil you know i'm gonna say bad

bad only bad not very bad i'm gonna say very bad i'll say the one in the middle it's not a competition it's just it is a competition and i will win it's not the worst thing you could do but it's it's pretty bad. It's very bad. What do you mean? You're OK with killing innocent rabbits? Yeah. I mean, Jock, you eat meat, you know, it's like. Yeah, but that's that's to be eaten.

This isn't this isn't I would say this is like less. This is more ethical than like, you know, buying a pack of bacon. Are you kidding me right now? is this a joke i'm being dead on this dead honest right now like no i think killing a single baby rabbit swiftly with a knife on air is you know i'm gonna say very very bad the more i hear more ethical than well your ass sorry i'm sorry asa oh yeah no sorry you can't take it back but you can't just like suddenly feel bad for the damn baby rabbit

because you're whatever because you want to prove some point on me all right Brian does not cooperate with law enforcement whenever he is pulled over he refuses to answer questions and starts bickering with the officer about his rights can you repeat that one refuses to answer questions and starts bickering with the officer about his rights.

Can you repeat that one? Brian does not cooperate with law enforcement. Whenever he is pulled over, he refuses to answer questions and starts bickering with the officer about his own rights. Yeah, I would do that. Yeah. I mean,

jocks done it. I've done it a million times and that's how I end up. What was your, what was your last running with police like? Like, actual running. Like, actual running with the police. The most recent one. I just think I was running away from the police in Denver for some reason on my skates.

Okay, actually. Not skating away from the police. Reno 911 character. Actually, there's this secure. skates okay actually not skating away from the police actually no nine one one character actually there's this secure i don't know this doesn't count really but there's a security guard at the park who chased me off of the property of the park last night because i was skating after it was closed and he i just was like first he just followed me in his car with the lights on and then he pulled out his flashlight and he was saying you need to leave the park now and then i started to and then he said faster and he drove his truck he was driving his truck behind me and he started getting closer to me i was like flipping out i was pissed did you say anything yeah i was screaming i was screaming

obscenities and everything mean I could think of it. I think you were saying, I'm sorry, officer. Then I had to leave. I'm shrinking down. Then I had to leave and I had to take a whole different route home because it's a really big park and I crashed and I smashed

my speaker. And I crashed and everyone gathered around me and laughed at me. And pointed and clapped. Yes! And the mayor gave the cop the key to the city And I crashed, and everyone gathered around me and laughed at me. Laughed at me. And clapped. Yes! And the mayor gave the cop the key to the city after that. Are you there? Are you there? They had a ribbon cutting ceremony, y'all.

They brought out a big red ribbon and put it over my dead body. And the cop cut it with a giant pair of scissors that the mayor gave him. Okay, also, this is not that recent recent but the last time i was in the newark airport the cop tapped me on my shoulder oh yeah we talked for sure getting arrested because you were crying right well no because i was throwing away pipes and uh blow many blow torches that looked like meth pipes into the trash can out of my fake mini blow torches so i was getting components so i had my big fake all the components filled with all the fake in my fake product person i had a bunch of like drug paraphernalia and i was already on 800 milligrams of delta 8

and so i had to go from there to... Jesus. So crazy. I started dumping out... You need to be arrested. You know what happens at the airport, right? You have to know how the airport works. You fly all the time.

I forgot. I was fucked up. And so I got to the airport and I started throwing them all away. And I swear to God, I was like, the cop for sure saw that. Because he tapped me on the shoulder and then he was like, you dropped your wallet. Thank you. My God. It was so close. to god i was like the cop for sure saw that because he tapped me on the shoulder and then he was like you dropped your wallet thank oh my god it was okay next question uh wait so jock you said you would do yeah of course you were both we're all i would do that team here um let's get the next question um a man orders a custom-built sex doll designed to look just like his niece. Very bad.

Yeah, that's very bad. Very bad. What is it? Hessa was kind of thinking about that one. I was not thinking about that one. These questions are terrible. These are awful.'re no they're usually kind of fun you're gonna be okay i'm gonna be okay this is depressing okay next one next one

all right next one next is this to see for groomers no the head of a public the head of a public department says that none of her employees are allowed to smoke at all, not even in their free time. Very bad. Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Actually, changing

my answer, because Kessa was able to, to neutral, because if you work for a health organization and you you you are advertising how healthy your products are and how your staff all follows the same kind of healthy lifestyle and you have someone on the staff who smokes cigarettes such a specific caveat what are you thinking about in particular so i'm imagining working for like a subway like a subway employee having a cigarette break no but like there's health in this initiative there are health initiatives

at places even like trader joe's where like if you lose a certain amount of weight for setting a weight goal you can gain like uh whatever and it's like associated actually in what i don't you get like a discount or something you get a discount it's actually associated with what? You get like a discount or something. You get a discount. Natural grocers. You earn your employee discount at Trader Joe's by losing weight. At natural grocers, this was a thing. And also they just encourage you to live.

Like if I was at, because I understand. I applied for this place and they were like, just so you know. You applied for natural grocers? Yes. Has anyone ever been to a natural grocer? No, what even is that? They're in like the Midwest. I think they're probably on the West Coast.

They are like, it's a, you know, quote unquote, grocery store. It is about 60% supplements. They've got some produce there and some like- Barely any produce. Packaged food um it sucks as a grocery store but as a supplement um haven it pops off they have any kind of supplement you want there but everyone who works there has like wooden earrings like the very, very skinny, like white dreadlock vibe. It was two blocks away from my house. It is hilarious because you're so, you do not have the natural, and I'm not saying this is an insult, but you do not have the natural grocer's kind of presence of mind.

of mind um or like like the equilibrium they have in there would be so thrown off by you spinning into work every day so high they i don't know their staff was pretty uh unique they're kind of mean yeah diverse okay next question let's go a christian refuses a christian can I just say one last thing please please please they just when I applied they were literally like the stipulation is that you cannot smoke nicotine as an employee here because we

advocate for a healthier lifestyle and smoking cigarettes will I would quit right away I'd be like yeah they can shove it um i love the bakery the christian bakery refuses to a christian bakery refuses to custom decorate a cake with chocolate letters that would carry a pro gay message we've been through this one before in this country many yeah that's i. Yeah, I would do it.

You would do it. You would deny, sorry, you would get a gay cake or you would deny the cake? I would deny. I would deny. If I was a super conservative Christian in this universe and I was like a Westboro Baptist level conservative

and I owned a bakery shop and a gay person decided I'm going to try to go buy from the Westboro Baptist official bake shop, then it's probably the gay people. Yeah, I mean, like, honestly, it just seems like the gay people are trying to upset the conservative Christians.

Okay. Interesting take. I see where you're coming from hessa what do you think um i think it's bad um i would well i just want to say thank god that the lord made jock non-binary and not a conservative christian because if he was a conservative that would be they tried to get me true yeah they tried to get you my parents to get me my parents raised me religiously laissez-faire and uh while uh while i was introduced to some very radical christian doctrines that i'm lucky i had the thought of to get out of because it

made me cry because they were too intense. A new action figure becomes all the rage among the boys in Timmy's class. When Timmy's parents get to the store, they buy all of the action figures for Timmy, leaving none for the other children. That's bad. Bad. Well, it depends. Neutral. Okay, I'm going to bring up a situation.

Imagine that Timmy's parents have been poor all of their life and have had a really hard life and had to work really hard and they just won the million dollar lottery and they can finally afford to give their child the best childhood that the child never even dreamed of. And they splurged and they accidentally bought all of the toys in the town.

They accidentally bought all the toys. But this is the thing. They're going to bring more toys to the town because there's an infinite amount of toys with the way they have toys factories. So what I think is honestly, I would do that. Did this happen when you were a kid or something? I feel like this triggered you into becoming a toddler. That was an infinite amount

of toys. What happened? Did you ever have a rough childhood? I mean, alright, so it's we're going to say, I would do that hessa you're sorry i don't want to y'all don't care about giving your child the best

childhood that you could give them if they had a bad one i don't know what a kid would do with 700 with like 7 000 gi gives them out to a bunch of people too yeah honestly uh has a micro economy you're being very narrow-minded about this oh my god in biology class a human hand preserved in a jar is passed around among the students um it's totally fine to me yeah that's fine i do you say it again i don't understand what's the in biology class a human hand preserved in a jar is passed around among the students. We went and saw a dead person in my biology class. Do you think it's bad?

Yes! If I was in that class, I would be traumatized to see a hand in a jar. I don't think that's appropriate. I don't think it's appropriate. My stars and garters, look at that hand. Y'all, I took a bite out of the hand class cover your eyes this is not what I intended

I thought it was cake why'd you put it in a jar if it wasn't a cookie I hate you a group of parents concerned about their children's risk of obesity demand that the local store stop selling XL-sized candy bars and soft drinks.

Bad. Bad. Keep the candy bars and soft drinks. Why? Keep the candy bars because I want them. Okay. Very bad. Fuck those fat kids.

Very bad. No women, mothers, or anyone should ever infringe on someone's right to sugar and to feed. Very bad. No women, mothers, or anyone should ever infringe on someone's right to sugar and to feed. Why don't the parents keep a closer leash on their kid? You know, maybe... I'm thinking about becoming a feeder.

Okay. As a job? I watched this extreme love thing, and I... Speaking of obesity, I think it sounds great. Why not? I watched this extreme love thing. And speaking of obesity, I think it sounds great. Why not? Please. I'm going to lean back. I don't think you're...

Let's talk about the health risks involved in that. We'll have a health episode. Yeah. We should have an episode with... We should have an episode... Gwyneth Paltrow did a podcast with her doctor. We should do one with Dr. Shane LaHood. Where Dr. Shane LaHood

has to tell Jock the risks of becoming a feeder. Can we stop saying his name so much? He needs to rest in peace. He's not dead. He's dead. He has passed.

He's not. He's not dead. He has actually legit retired's not. He's not dead. I just wanted to... Well, he has actually, like, legit retired from the medical field, so... Jacques is nervous when you reply with the name in the reply, so don't say his name in the replies. Yeah, don't say the name.

Don't say the name in the replies. Don't write his name in the replies. Stop! You two are being the reverse psychologist. No, I'm being serious. We're being serious. We're going to delete it. We're being serious. We're going to delete it.

We're going to delete it. And then Jock is going to get, Jock does this thing. I get the notification. I have an autism. Jock does this thing where he checks the comments once a month and then I get 17 Patreon notifications like someone commented.

And it's half the time it's Jock responding to something like, what do you mean by that? Why'd you say that? Why would you say that why are you just setting a bunch of question marks i'll kill myself and implicate you and then i go in literally shut up and then i go in and have to delete all the comments and then explain to jock what the commenter meant and it wasn't offensive at all it's actually very taxing. Anyways, let's keep going. When Carl's soccer team is squaring off

against the team of another nation, he sings along to the other team's national anthem instead of his own. That's totally fine. I'd do that. Big whoop. I'd do that. Yeah, I'd do that. I love betraying

my country. Would you sing the Chinese anthem? Can you please learn Mandarin? I would love it if you learned Mandarin. No. What? Boo. I would love to learn it,

but I don't know how much more knowledge. If I paid for your Mandarin lessons, would you go? Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, 100%. I'm going to find some Mandarin lessons for you in New Orleans and send you. Yeah, ask them if we can film them and I'll make the video. I've told you guys I took Mandarin in high school, right? Really?

Yeah, I got like a D. Yeah, of course you got a D. Do you remember anything? Yeah, I remember Nihoma Shut up. Yeah, I remember Ni hao ma Shut up I'm about to drop the mic If y'all speak in language

Woah That is not real No, that means Do your mother or father work? Israel? No, it's Chinese. Mandarin. I probably did the accents wrong, but the stressing on the

words is really hard. That's probably Buffalo Mandarin. Jock, I want to send you to a Mandarin class, so let's talk about that. Please, yeah. Let's work it out. I think that would be an amazing video. Sarah's dog... It probably wouldn't be disrespectful at all

to a mandarin class with a with a camera filming him look it's an intro class everyone is welcome and but bitch believe me in new orleans that class is already insanely disrespectful i think this dog has four puppies she can only find a home for two of them so she kills the other two with a stone to the head bad very bad well look sarah's dog has four puppies she can only find yeah it's very bad i can't yeah i was gonna know what you're saying you rereading it that re-reading it. I was going to try to find a spin on that one, but it's pretty bad. No, no. What if the puppies were pit bulls?

They would be good if they were pit bulls. I would do it. They would explain very vicious tendencies a couple days into their life. It's like killing baby Hitler. I thought it was wrong when my high school science teacher Me in court representing Sarah for animal abuse.

If you could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, would you? Look, look. I thought it was wrong when my science teacher in high school abducted the pregnant cat and aborted its children. And I think it's fucked up that this person just killed some animals. You had a teacher?

You're burying the leader. But that's an abortion. So you're saying that life starts at conception? No. Oh my God. Sorry, you had a teacher in high school who kidnapped a cat and gave it an abortion? And then put the fetuses that it aborted

into formaldehyde jars. Oh, for educational purposes. Yeah. I don't think the teacher did that himself. I think they give those jars to the teachers. No, no, no, no, no. This teacher is insane he he performed it on campus with campus tools googled how to do this and like very watching a youtube video like when

you have to fix your own sink very candice but this is this is the middle of cade louisiana this is in the middle of sugar some men have a private all-male club, and feminists take them to court, demanding they open it up to women. What do we think? Yas. I would do it. Yas.

I would do that. Let me in, mama. Let me in. I'm all about women's rights. Jack, have you ever been to an all-males club? Have you ever been a part of anything like that? An exclusive male environment? That's not gay, for the record.

No. Not gay ones. She was talking about the cock. Yeah. Let us in! I was about to bring up the petroleum club, but they didn't let women in until like 19. Is that gay? No, it's in Lafayette.

I thought you meant petroleum jelly, but you mean petroleum oil industry. Yeah, in Lafayette. It's so cool to have all the petroleum oil. It was a men's only club. Club and restaurant. The petroleum disaster bistro.

But my neighbor my neighbor my neighbor sued them and they made it so that women could join damn okay honestly why do you want to be in the petroleum like if they already were like all male and then you just want to insert yeah what are you gonna do you're gonna show up and be the woman who everyone hates now i mean yeah that That's like when a cis woman goes to the... A cis straight woman goes to the... Let's go. Gay Phoenix bar.

Get her ass. Period. They don't... I'm sorry. People are not going to welcome you. So, Jock, you think that's fine? You're saying a straight woman could go to Phoenix bar? Yeah, of course they can.

But then they're gonna be like treated badly because like misogyny or something i don't know but like i don't know okay like i'm not for it i'm just saying it happens when kelly asked even out on a date he sneers and says like i'm gonna go on a date with a woman who looks like my overweight bulldog. I'd do it. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I've done it.

I think that's bad. It's bad. It's very mean. Neutral. It's very bad. It's very bad. Not neutral. John, have you turned down a woman before? Yeah.

What'd you say to her? You look like a French bulldog. No. What'd you say to her? In the face french bulldog no what'd you say in the face i'm just thinking well okay you remember that we did used to know why you know exactly what i'm talking about i know exactly you're talking about a girl who looks like a french bulldog wanted to fuck you and she you told her that she looked like a bulldog we were on we were on face that's something you were only supposed to say behind her back and i didn't i never said it and we were on facetime and um she said something and and she was like jock that is so neat and i was i just was like she was like what what do you think i look like and i was like i mean like just kind of in the face like a french bulldog you are such

what okay you have to do i would do that for jock now because because jock has done it yeah do you called her why i didn't call her fat though i just said she just kind of looks like that in the face she's still cute like what jock repeat what you said you're you are so you're dancing. She looks like a French bulldog. And we were already kind of like teasing each other back and forth. And I went too far. You went way too far. She immediately turned and started sobbing. She was like, you kind of dress like a Teletubby sometimes, Jock.

And we're like, at least I don't look like a bulldog, you bitch. I didn't deliver it like that. But whatever way I delivered it was wrong. I feel like you don't hear it. I don't think there's any right way to deliver that. I want to also bring up that Ben hated this girl. Ben knows who I'm talking about.

And he agreed that she looks like this, and the one time she came over to our house mutually, you were mean to her. No, I wasn't. Chuck, you called her a bulldog. End of conversation. A man sets up an unlicensed medical practice

but makes all his customers... There was an instance... Just ignore it. Shut the hell up. A man sets up an unlicensed medical practice but makes all of his customers sign a contract acknowledging that he is not a licensed

physician. Very good. He's checking the boxes of what he needs to do yeah I feel like if you cover your bases like that that's fine honesty is a good policy for everyone yeah I'd say

I'd become a doctor did I what? I feel like you've probably signed something like this before. Like, I don't want to talk about what contract, what NDAs, what I've signed. Dr. Shane LaHood is spelled D-C-O-T-A-R. Y'all could never find him because his name is spelled so weirdly. I've found him. We've found him.

We've literally found him many times. That's not him. His name is spelled phonetically okay no it isn't it isn't you're lying and don't lie to me ever again i don't it's fine um tim asks his father for permission to stay out late because his classmates are throwing a party when his father refuses tim slams the door in very Very good. I would do it. Yeah. My dad was an asshole.

Let Tim go party. Yeah. And you know what happened to my dad? He's kind of scary. No. He has a general bad vibe. He has a dark vibe. He has a bad vibe.

But I went to all the parties. My parents literally could not. Where Jock's darkness comes from is that side of the family. My parents literally could not. That's where the darkness comes from, is that side of the family. I stayed out every night. When a homeless man asks Matt for spare change, Matt keeps walking and says, don't talk to me, loser. I've seen you do that, Ben.

No, it's because I give them money, and then they don't leave me alone. And I say, now is time to leave me alone, because I gave you $2. Which is totally dollars which is literally does say it like that if you i would say that's bad i would say it's bad okay yes this is bad i'm paying i'm paying you to leave me alone i was homeless for six months and i didn't make that much money asking people for money but the second i went and got a job and started working oh my god man could have some money no why do you hate me and that's why i uh i'll give money to people but i am hesitant because so it's very you would

say it's very bad because they need to get a damn job i don't think it's like that i'm being y'all making me out to sound like a republican period um adam and beth have been dating for three shut up hessa that that's adam and beth have been dating for three years adam is reluctant reluctant to have children so beth tells him that she's on the pill when she isn't to have children. So Beth tells him that she's on the pill when she isn't. Woman lying about being on the pill because she wants kids. Very bad.

I would do that. I think that's normal bad. Normal bad. In high school, a girl poked holes in the condoms for me trying to... Oh yeah, I know a girl who did that. Yeah. I'm lucky that... She did it to you, John? She did it to me and i'm lucky that the kid and it was when she was cheating on me with another guy and i'm lucky that the kid came

out looking like the other guy wait oh my god so you have a son you could have a son i would have a son or i would have a daughter look alike you have a daughter oh my god oh no oh no has there been a dna test no but like it's just she doesn't look like me this is like there's all parents look exactly like their kids i don't know and he probably came does she i mean what what are her eating habits like i don't know she's no i don't know but i will this. This is so insane to bring up. How many times has she been in jail? First of all, I just want to say this. This is a young, young, too young to have been to jail.

But OK, well, I guess we'll have to see severely. So this girl that you had sex with is young, young, too young to have been to jail. Oh, wait. No, that girl. I'm talking about his daughter. I'm trying to figure out if any traits have been passed down. I'm talking about his daughter I'm trying to figure out if any traits have been passed down a pair of parents

read about the exotic delicacies of Africa and the far east in the coming week they serve dog meat to their children what do we think I think that's fine if you tell the kids as long as you tell them

you're getting a dog from America where they're not bred for meat. If it's a pit bull, it's fine. Okay, the pit bulls we stone to death? If it's a pit bull, it's fine. If it's a pit bull, it's not great, but it's fine. I'll say neutral. John, what do you think? What do you think?

What do I think about killing pit bulls? I don't think it's good. A pair of parents read about the exotic delicacies of Africa. In the coming week, they serve dog meat to their children. I don't know. Do they eat dogs in Africa? I feel like that's a racist thing to... No, there are places in Africa where they do have dog meat.

Which I think is totally fine, for the record. I don't think there's anything wrong with having... I think it's neutral. I'm just saying saying if that's the delicacy of the area i think it's disrespectful to say that it's wrong just based on the fact that it's really would you need a dog yeah not again um not not again not i mean never never i would never eat a dog i would never eat a dog I've had horse before

we've talked about this 500 times we truly discussed this the meats that we've eaten okay this is our we've revamped the meats we eat list the principal of a school that says none of her students are

allowed to draw muhammad on the school premises um wait let me just sit here the principal of a school says that none of her students are allowed to draw muhammad on the school premises or bring muhammad cartoons to school very bad disrespectful to the entire race of islam uh i don't think you understood the question yeah i will give very bad i will get very bad for you and yeah no way i'll say it's good i would do it wait are they saying that that no one is allowed to to talk about muhammad at school or even the principal of a school says that none of our students are allowed to draw allowed to draw muham Muhammad on school premises or bring cartoons of Muhammad to school.

Why can't, what if the kids are Islamic and they just want to draw their Okay, so very bad, so very bad for Jacques. Very bad. Wait, is that really that fucked up? Jacques is like, what if the Muslims want to draw their favorite superhero? I mean, like I did not say superhero, but like.

You don't know. You don't know. He really doesn't know. He doesn't know. Jock, you can't. What if they want to, y'all? Oh, my God. oh my god jock it is one of the most disrespectful forbidden things to depict the prophet muhammad in any form oh yeah what i didn't yeah so you can't even write about it i got i gotta throw

away those drawings you can't draw about him depict him depict him to draw a picture of him can't draw about him depict him depict him to draw a picture of him y'all is very very sorry i think that we shouldn't allow it i didn't understand well you're too bad have you drawn the picture have you drawn the prophet before in any way john just wondering okay like honestly in a completely respectful way but but I've painted many religious paintings. Wait, what? I think you're just lying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hessa, I swear to God, I'll go find old pictures,

but there are certain religious themes. I would love to see it, because honestly, that... Yeah, I mean mean just let me know I'll text Val and be like hey did Dracov drop Muhammad do you have those drawings anywhere I really didn't know that was a disrespectful thing because I feel like I've just

painted many gods I've painted many religious I've painted so many religious things and religious iconography is like an inspiration for my paintings they love Muhammad what if they want to draw y'all? They love Mahalo. What if they want to draw him? I don't know!

This is such a good revelation. It's okay. I'm about to have a meltdown. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I mean, you may have. I'm really hungry too. I think I'm going to get Mediterranean after this. Ooh, someone's in a Middle Eastern mood.

Middle Eastern mood. Middle Eastern mood board. Jane's boss calls all the employees by their first names, but does not allow any of them to call him by his first name. When Jane insists that there must be a two-way street for this, he fires her. I would do that. Because I don't...

You would do that. I think it's bad. I think that's an overreaction. To fire her? MX Gonsolin is how Ben and Hessa are legally obliged to call me outside of work. Did you switch to MX Gonsolin? No, I'm just lying.

You should. Absolutely not. Nope. Mine would be like Doctor or like Captain or like Doctor Esquire. Tom and Linda have been dating for almost a year. Since they've never agreed to be exclusive, Tom sleeps with

other women without telling Linda. I think it's fine. I think it's Linda's fault. I think you should be open about that, so I think it's kind of bad. Don't make fun of me for saying it. What is this bitch Canadian? She's not even from Buffalo.

She's from Northern Buffalo. What do you think, Jack? Honestly, I think it's actually very bad not just bad like hessa thinks which is like really really i think very bad i think very bad no of course she thinks very bad after i would make it so popular copycat and a thief she She's copying you. She's literally copying you. Julie asks her friends to not fraternize with her ex-boyfriend, Jake, since he cheated on her with many, many women.

Three weeks later, Julie's friend is dating him. That's bad. That's bad. That's very bad. Not just bad. Yeah, that's pretty that's bad that's very bad not just bad Melissa seems like a fucking hoe and Jake seems like he needs to be reined in

to be completely honest with you to be real they both need to be checked into an institution of pain Emma and Cindy are summer interns at Chris's I can't get over the Muhammad thing

why I'm sorry how many times do you think it's okay Jock it's fine zero times that I know it zero times that I know that that is how many times have you read the Quran

no times no one needs to have read the Quran I thought she was Muslim basically too How many times have you read the Quran? No times. No one needs to have read the Quran to know it. It proves the point. I thought she was Muslim, basically, too. Hessa? Yeah, I mean, the name is Hessa. I'm going to be thinking about that all day.

What if they want to draw him, y'all? Are you not Arab, Hessa? What if they want to? Hessa, where are you? Let them draw him Arab let them draw are you Arab going to a protest what's going on do you hear me are you an Arab or not I'm ignoring you

I'm being she's probably she's probably some degree Arab. I thought she said that before. She's just Italian. I don't know. It's fine, Jock. You're trying to switch the subject when we're talking about your genius brain. Forcefully asking me

about my blood quanta. Sorry, y'all brought it up. Y'all brought Mohammed up. Y'all brought Mohammed in the mix, and now that he's here, you're... Charlie Hebdo is horrible with that horrible man did. You all up for respecting your religion so much.

Assuming anyone who draws Muhammad is a Muslim who just loves Muhammad. It's so funny. I didn't know! I didn't know the god stop screaming emma and cindy are summer interns at chris's office emma does slightly better than cindy at the end of the summer there's only one job opening but chris gives it to cindy because he finds her to be more attractive very bad I would do that.

Neutral. Completely honest. I'm neutral because it's just cute. Part of your job, if I'm the manager, being something to look at. Yeah, I don't want to look at nothing ugly. It doesn't make for a good employee. For the general public, too.

Let them draw it! Let them be drawn i hate that i didn't know this it's not fair it's like it's been the reason for a huge terrorist attack and it's been like one it's been like a huge part of like a lot of islamophobic propaganda it's just like these are savages you can't even see them drawn. Can I ask you a question too? Has there ever been an Islamic artist who has portrayed John Muhammad in a respectful way? As far as I know,

going back centuries, Muhammad has never been depicted because that's part of the religion. My guess is it's in the quran i have no clue but i know at least in you know contemporary islam not even contemporary for a very long time it has been in fact for like the longest time any images at all were forbidden which is why there's so such a rich history of patterns and um arabesques and uh you know designs and stuff because they're abstract how could i pay homage to islam in a painting then

why why do you that's like basically my art assignment for the next few days. Why do you want to pay homage to Islam in a painting? Because I want to... Let me draw him. Let me draw him. I want to bring it... How am I supposed to pay homage? How am I supposed to pay homage? I want to bring attention to anti-Islam sentiment

and how we need to welcome... I want you to see how beautiful he is in my mind. I want you to see the beautiful image i have of him in my mind i was very close so you could i mean like has to just point it out there are a lot of patterns um that are part of islamic aesthetic tradition that you could maybe replicate but i feel like i just went to an islamic art exhibit too in houston if you go to the mfa you didn't say wow they're they just don't really intend to draw pictures of this guy over here huh i didn't see him anywhere where are the pictures of him i did think it was suspicious is that a real thought you had is that a thought you had jock for real i mean i i thought i was

like i you know i thought like okay this is where's mohammed no no no no like wait just like literally i was looking around i didn't say it out loud but i was like hmm all this it's like a whole islamic art exhibit and it's incredibly beautiful and interesting in the subject mostly but but i didn't see mohammed and so i was just. But I didn't see Mohammed and so I was just curious. So you didn't read any of the plaques? Because I feel like if you read any of them, there would be...

I read one plaque and it was a plaque for a rug and it was from Iran from the 16th, 17th century and it took up the whole room almost. It was a really big, beautiful hand-woven rug with an intricate design. It was really beautiful.

Honestly, the whole exhibit was beautiful. That was the only good part of the MFA. They make you walk through this light tunnel that makes your vision turn black and white. Yeah, I want to go to that. And it gave me a headache. It was the worst thing ever. Can you imagine seeing Jock in black and white? It gave me a migraine for hours.

Can you imagine seeing me in black and white? It turned my vision yellow for like at least five minutes. It's like a series of yellow lights that like distort your color perception and makes it look like black and white. I wasn't comfortable with it. It's not okay. And yeah. I want to go dress up like betty poop um okay jack and will are classmates will's father is a lawyer when he picks up will from school he refuses to say hi to jack's father because jack's father is only a janitor that's bad that's That's very bad. Very bad.

Classist. Disrespectful. Janitors can make a lot of money. Ew. Ew. Ew. Throws trash at her. People need to respect the janitors and the dishwashers.

I was a dishwasher for 12 years. You were a dishwasher for 12 years. I remember. It was a very stinky time in my life. Oh, my God god I smelled that bad you smelled really bad well you know what else first of all

this motherfucker would just put slap uncooked chicken on the counter 27 times on the podcast I'm not going back Sarah gets drunk in a bar I wouldn't even wipe it up after. Two strangers at once.

I would do that. I mean, I have mono. And it's from a night where I was being a fucking whore. Licking raw chicken. But I would tell Sarah to. Wait, what did Sarah do? She got drunk and went out at a bar with two strangers. Oh, yeah, that's totally fine.

I would do it, yeah. I would do that. I would do that, too. I've done it a million times. I'm lucky I didn't get mono from kissing that guy in the interview. Oh, God, I can't wait for that to be out. I'm so excited for that to be out. All right, we have four more questions, though.

Okay. Are you okay? Yeah, I was so excited for that. All right, we have four more questions. Are you okay? Yeah, I was just stretching. This has been a really long talk, and I feel completely stupid for not knowing about how we can't show him. Let them draw him. We can't show him. You mean we can't show him?

They love him. They want to see him. i thought it was a test i thought it was a test to make sure you weren't being islamophobic and it turns out it was the wrong how was that a test what do you mean how is that a test okay next question islam folk i can't even john whenever we go past like an hour and 15 minutes it just completely declines into just the most

Johnny's soccer coach decides that everyone on the team must wear black shoes but on the day of the match John turns up in white soccer shoes instead who fucking cares yeah who gives a shit that is completely fine I would do that white soccer shoes instead. Who fucking cares? Yeah, who gives a shit? That is completely fine.

I would do that. I would do that. The kid's a rebel and I respect that about him. Neutral. The kid's a rebel. Dan turns up the TV just as his father is talking about his military service.

Oh, okay. Oh, that's good. I would do that. Very bad. Very bad. Very bad? He's talking about his military service he's talking about being in the island wars dan dan turns up the tv just as his father is talking about his military i thought you had a burning hatred oh i again have misunderstanding that's very good because he wants to disrespect his father by turning up the tv yeah yeah i was shocked that you were i was getting a sense of nationalism advocating for

the elderly um scott is hosting a dinner party for dessert he serves chocolate cake shaped to look like dog poop i would do that yeah that's good very bad that's disgusting culinary things are not meant to be a joke. And this is why I'm against cakes that look like real objects. The disparity between these questions are so funny. Some are very funny.

If you're out here making cakes that look like everyday objects, you should be put down. It's disrespectful to food. It's disrespectful to food culture and us foodies who work hard in the kitchens. You don't even fuck... You don't cook. Yeah, I cook gumbo. Have you seen my gumbo video?

Hello. Two years ago? Question 35. Amy and Mia are co-workers. One day Amy offers Mia to take one of her shifts no strings

attached. Sometime later Amy could really use someone to fill in but Mia doesn't feel compelled to because of the original no strings attached offer. That's fine. Completely fine. That's what no strings attached means. Yeah, that's good.

Be upfront about what you're willing to offer or don't offer it at all, is what I would have to say. I mean, if you're specifying that there are no strings attached... It's your fault. You made the offer. So that's a very... For me, that's going to be I would do that then. Right?

Also, Mia could just lie and be like, oh, I'm busy. You think it's Amy Schumer and Mia Khalifa? Yeah. Yeah, yes, yes. Who's taking the shift at the dick-sucking factory? The whores are out tonight. All right, this is the last question, y'all.

Thank God. We're going back to our first question. Would you draw him? Let them draw him? Would you let them draw him? Stop saying that! I feel so... I can't believe you didn't. We can't go back.

I feel like I want to call the family that I grew up with that taught me everything. Don't call them. That very nice Lebanese family and ask them if you can draw Muhammad. Please. No, I'm not going to call them to ask them that I'm just going to I need to get some definition apologize no

they're like jock we're Christian like 65% of Lebanon we're Christian no no no they think this family is Islam I just want to ask them some questions is that wrong last question are you. I just want to ask them some questions. Islam. Is that wrong? Last question.

I want to know God. Never mind. Don't hear that conversation. I would kill to hear that conversation. So what do y'all think about drawing? Do y'all like drawing? Do y'all ever draw? Who do you draw when you draw? I really am going to have a

Who's your favorite superhero? Just go ahead and do me a favor and just let's glance over there and make a wrap. Using both the condom and the pill, a brother and sister decide that they want to sleep with each other just once

to see what it would be like. Very bad. Very bad. Very bad? Yeah, very bad. Very bad. Have you ever seen Royal Tenenbaums? So you're saying it's good? No, I'm just asking if you've seen Royal Tenenbaums. I think it's bad.

Very bad. Very bad. Why don't you let someone else talk for a second? Personally, I think it's just neutral because it's like they're not going to have a baby. I wouldn't do this in my life. I think it's personally disgusting.

But they're two consenting adults. No one is going to be harmed. They're freaks. They're freaks. I think it's bad. I wouldn't tell them they couldn't do it. I knew there was something weird about you and your family in the podcast. In the podcast right now.

We need to edit this out. Bring my family into this. I just don't think it's fair for you to vent that kind of shit here, Ben. It's really inappropriate. Zach is trying to change the subject. Nanny state. What did you say?

It's very bad. What are the results? It's very bad for both of you. I'll just say regular bad. Very bad. You swayed me a little bit, you know. Yeah. But not all the way. This bitch is always blown in the wind. Like a leaf. I changed my opinions.

This was a question about the big three morality tests. To see where your moral foundations are There's a question about the big three morality tests. No. To see where your moral foundations are and to which political classification do they sort of lean. So I got A's and Hesek got F's? The results are not amazing.

The questions were just funny. But Hesa, you are at a 65 percent nurture basis okay a uh 20 something 23 i believe tradition and then a sliver of liberty so you don't really believe in free choice that much i guess um but you do mean left liberal um jock But you do lean left liberal. Jock? Your results. Your results. 58 tradition.

Something like 47 nurture and some amount of liberty as well and you lean uh conservative libertarian left liberal are in the gutter here um which is honestly very close to mine yeah so we've got something in common after all okay okay right wingers i know incredibly sleeper right wing let them draw let them draw him at a protest having no clue what it's about i i know a lot about a lot of things i I don't know. I don't know. I got him tattooed on my back because I love him so much. It doesn't make me ignorant for not knowing something. I think that's the definition.

That's the definition of being ignorant. I think it's okay, Josh. You don't mean any malice to the Muslim people. I love Islam. Just please don't text the Lebaneseese family so y'all like drawing y'all have any paintings in your house like something about religion how many guys do you have any guys who are your guys y'all have to draw a guy right now who would it be and his name start with an m stop not saying no but y'all draw him right y'all No, but y'all draw him, right? Y'all draw him, right? No, but like in secret. Y'all draw him, right?

Let them draw him. Let there be cake. Yeah, but somebody can't believe this. He just assumes that they all draw him in secret without telling the rest of us. I know y'all draw him. Okay, stop. Okay, now I really gotta go before I get hit.

I know y'all are drawing him. I know y'all are doing it. Stop. One of the funniest things that's ever happened. Okay, I want to shout out. Cannot believe. Shout out Muhammad. No, no, no. This episode is.

Stop. Listen for one minute, please. This episode is sponsored by La Croix Coffee Exotica, the new La Croix flavor that combines coffee and soda flavors. It has zero sweetener, zero calories. Is that real? I would try that. 100% flavor.

Yes, I'm dead serious. Look, I'll show you right now. So our new plug for the week is La Croix Coffee Exotica. I'm going to... Wait, let me just really quickly turn on the video for this one second we got the oh my god it's completely blurred um all right give a blur filter on your oh wait it's not gonna work i can see it i can see it that's amazing what's that drawing behind you oh my god oh my god oh my my god. Oh no, it's him.

It's him. Stop. Look how beautiful this woman looks. It's him. We're going to sign off. You have to take that out. But if we can please, if you can find the drawings you did of world religions or something when you were a kid, please send them to me because I really would like to post them um can you do that can

you say yes to me and the listeners right now yes i want to do a video book tour of this book that i wrote from fourth grade about who i wanted to grow up to be and i used pictures of john mayer to be me grown up and i cut out for magazines and i I both have pooped on people and I made and I made Nora Jones my wife a lot of poop on people and I said that I wanted to own a jazz club that's also an art gallery and downtown and you can still

do it all it's so funny okay well I love y'all this is a paid one yes thank you everyone we'll see you guys soon and um bye we love we love you 夏の光が砕け散る海で 瞳を閉じて Thank you.