Seeking Derangements - UNLOCKED SD 33 - Jacques Visibility Day feat. Pod About List

Episode Date: October 24, 2020

the pod list boys are back to get "a little queer" with us if you know what I mean... We also just recorded a 2-hour special loveline/mailbag episode for our beautiful patrons at https://www.patreon.com/seekingderangements intro/// Soul Throbs - Little Girl (1975) outro/// Grupo Arco Iris - Coisas Da Vida (1972)

Thank you. Hey little girl Can't you see That it's cold outside Come on get to the seaport And make those lights on Alright That's what happens when you're in trouble, late Jacques. Welcome to Seeking Derangements.

I am Jacques, and these are five... Wait, do you guys hear anything right now? I can't hear anything. It's my visibility day. I wasn't, you know... Jacques' screen is up. I'm not seeing anything, man. I'm just seeing a floating dab rig and a bag of hot Cheetos.

I'm seeing like a floating dab rig and a bag of hot Cheetos. I'm seeing a floating Invisible Man style. I'm seeing an outfit that one of the members of LMFAO would wear, but there's nobody in it. I'm just seeing a little yellow skirt that says Jamaica across the ass. I wear an official Sopranos shirt. Oh, damn. That thing's tight. Look at that thing. This is a oneranos shirt. Oh, damn. That thing's tight. Look at that thing.

This is a one in a kind. Welcome, Jacques. It was a big day for you yesterday. It was a beautiful day. I thought... Visibility day and also your birthday. It was Jacques' visibility day yesterday. Look, I thought I had my birthday wrapped in the bag.

I got my Princess Diana beanie baby. Wrapped in the bag. Yeah, that old phrase. Everybody says that. The old saying. Wrapped in the bag. I thought Ianie baby wrapped in the back. Yeah, that old everybody's wrapped in the bag. And of course, a dog jumped and grabbed my Princess Diana doll. No, no, that was my that was my golden egg. I was spoiled by that was my golden ticket to Willy Wonka's factory out of.

Yeah, fucking sex dungeon with these two perverts. Yeah, they're perverts. Yeah, those things are like expensive as hell. I've never been so angry in my life. Attacking your princess Diana. It was just a random dog? No, it was my friend's dog. And my other friend was like, it would be really stupid if you were still mad at him because his dog ate your Beanie Baby.

Well, those things aren't worth like $8,000. $50,000! It's not worth it. Go Google it right now. Google it right now. First edition. Princess Diana Beanie Baby worth $50,000. Okay, watch.

I'll show you a link. If that's true, that's your fucking fault for having it anywhere near a dog. I see one here for $13,000. Liar, dog. Okay, look. $13,000? Shut up. Are you looking at the...

I'm looking at eBay. Okay, look at Beanie Baby. Oh, that's an auction. Hold on. I'll look at buy it now. No, no, no. Listen, you have to look up buy this. How are you coming across all of these Beanie Babies?

Last time we talked about it, you didn't even have a Princess Diana. So when you were gone in Zimbabwe or whatever the fuck you're doing... I was in Maine. I was telling you. So when you were gone in Zimbabwe or whatever the fuck you're Literally thinks I live like thanks I'm about to true and on you yeah okay you're not the guest on true and on you're the roaster uh huh okay so

yesterday at 9am I woke up early on my birthday to go meet a woman in the suburbs to buy beanie babies out of her garage and she was liquidating a collection for her friend who was terminally ill who didn't want to sell them online

because it was too much of a hassle. R.I.P. So from the same garage sale that I bought this Princess Diana bear for $15, I also got three curly beanie babies with each with four tag errors. Wow.

The beanie babies with four tag errors. Wow. Uh-huh. Really, really cool. The beanie babies with the tag errors. Are those the most expensive ones you can get? They say, like, the wrong birthday or something? They say. They have the N-word written on them. They had a date of death. They had a date that she would die printed on them.

They were released, like, three years prior. On the heart-shaped ear tag it says or the word beanie baby original but it original is spelled o-r-i-i-n-j-a-l that's how it's supposed to be spelled i think maybe okay honestly jock i thought maybe the problem is just your reading comprehension skills. No! It'd be funny if he was like, get this, it was spelled O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L.

God damn it. I did that. I fucked up. Jock, you're kind of dressed like a run DMC beanie baby right now. Look, I bought myself... So you got the Beanie Babies. Let's do one narrative at a time. I can't do this.

We can't do this again. We can't do this again. So you... I literally forgot where we even were. You went to the... You went to the lady's house in the suburb because her friend was dying of cancer

and got rid of all of her beanie babies. So you were going there to basically lowball a cancer patient on her beanie baby question. Yes. They don't care. If you're not alive enough to fight for yourself then why should you have your friends doing it?

Alive enough. Or whatever. I don't know. Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get there. You get the princess diabini baby. What are you doing? I'm just standing up.

I can't stand. Go. I mean, you can. I was asking you to pick it back up where you left oh i thought you were bringing it up i was confused man sorry how how how many or how many you tell the rest of it yeah i literally don't know wait how did you say how much you paid for it i paid 15 yeah 15 and how much is it supposed to be worth, by the way? Upwards of $5,000.

I saw once for $50,000. So this bitch is dying. This bitch is dying with stage 8 cancer. Her entire estate is going to be taken over by the hospital or whatever because you can't pay. I know you got a good deal on the Beanie Babies.

This looks more like $13 to me. I know you're asking. I know you're asking for. Yeah, and you got a good deal on the Beanie Babies. This looks more like $13 to me. I know you're asking. I know you're asking for $24,000. And you're on your deathbed. Look here. This is spelled O-R-G-I-N-A-L. That is the normal correct spelling for that Beanie Baby. This is worth $5.

I'm never sharing. When did you get into Beanie Babies and why? Recently, three weeks ago. I had all cancer patients on it. Three weeks ago, I went to another garage sale where a woman was raising money for her baby and she had Beanie Babies for a sale for a dollar each.

Wow, that's a good deal. Even I know. And she does... She had the ones with the tags, with the covers on the tags and the tag errors. No one knows what you're – okay, okay. It's just more valuable. I found the value. I got the music shit online, and I get like three likes on it or whatever.

It's basically the exact same. Have you sold any of them? No. God, no. I'm never going to sell them. It's about buying low and selling high, Ben. What do you not understand about this? It's a market.

It's a fucking market. You've got to sit on them for another 30 years. As soon as I sell one of these BB Babies, I'm giving some of the money to the guy in the red hat and none of it to any of you other motherfuckers. Fuck all y'all. That's my new friend. I'm giving money to Pat, dude. It's just because Patrick looks like you, y'all. That's my new friend. Give money to Pat, dude.

It's just because Patrick looks like you, Sean. I know. I'm shocked. Damn it. So you went to, then you then went to a, what, like a dog pound waving around your princess diabetes. Covered the massive toad line pit bull. Ate it.

Yeah, you covered it in peanut butter. I went to my best friend's house. We were, I was going to show show off my new Beanie Baby collection I bought. I bought $50 worth of Beanie Babies. I want to show them off. I want to take some pictures. I want to list them on Facebook Marketplace. Also, backstory, this woman had people drive in from other states

to come purchase these Beanie Babies. I don't understand why she's having... Why is she... Why does she have this many beanie babies? She must know how expensive they are. Yeah, why not just put them on eBay or something? And she's selling them for $13. Because she's stupid. She has cancer.

What are you guys not understanding? Sorry, sorry. She's dumb. She got cancer because she was stupid. I'm sorry. The woman was like, this is too much of a hassle. We got to give her money now.

Too much of a hassle to have cancer and be on eBay at the same time. Yeah, it is. No, the woman... That 13 bucks saved her life. You're in bed

all the fucking time. What else are you going to be doing? She just needed $13 to make her payments. She was like, once I do this... That was like what the chemo... The chemo,

she was $13 short on the GoFundMe. She was like, I guess I'll let go of the princess diabeanie baby. The doctors were like... $50,000. We make fun of Jacques for this right now but it's we're not gonna be laughing when he when

he does we have to pay 100 000 dollars from the second i even make a hundred dollars from this no no no yeah the moment i mean you've probably spent a hundred on the beat honestly like those beanie babies are gonna stay there uh to stay there on that corner of your room until they get hate crime for driving around on a scooter with a Jamaica, like a translucent short shorts or boxer briefs or whatever. So did you celebrate Bisexual Visibility Day yesterday, Jacques? Did you wear wooden earrings? How else do you think you're supposed to fucking celebrate?

Honestly, a party. Got on Grindr, got on Tinder, went to my birthday party. Had some egg drop soup. I went home. Sounds like a good night to me. I didn't go home. I actually stayed up all night I did not sleep yet

At my friend Chris's house So I could play Grand Theft Auto All night In their basement at the same time As watching Real Housewives A potomac on a separate TV Wow that really is bisexual visibility The only way to ring it in, dude.

The bisexual new year. GTA, Real Housewives, save screen, picture in picture. I've had a fucking guy in a bra before. Bisexual new year was a couple of weeks ago. That was Rosh Hashanah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I didn't really do anything. I decided to be quiet you know i didn't want to take up by uh my visibility space well i got together so this is year year long scheme i got

together with uh the l's and the the t's and the g's and we were like, okay, we all hate listening to bi people talk. We just need to, we need to give them bi visibility day as a kind of roundabout way of making it impossible for them to speak any other day of the year. That's right. You just, you just give them this one day and the rest of the year they can't talk. They can't ask for anything.

We get to shout them down as soon as, as soon as they start speaking. You can just put your fingers in your ears and go, you should have never let't talk. They can't ask for anything. We get to shout them down as soon as they start speaking. You can just put your fingers in your ears and go, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. You should have never let me talk in the first place. That was your biggest mistake. Yeah, I know. You look so scary right now. I know.

Why do I look scary? You're, like, backlit, and your hand was over your face. Yeah. Shocks. Zoom screen is too horses. Are those David Koresh glasses too? Look, I lost Princess last night, so I'm allowed to mourn however I want. Oh, you lost the...

Wait, so did the dog just fully destroy the Beanie Baby? Ruined the tag. It ripped the tag protector off and ruined the tag. Why did you have it? It was on a tall kitchen table, and it jumped on a chair and ripped down the bag and spilled them all. That's what happened to the actual Princess Di, too.

They just wanted to make it look nice. And then they put her in the car and shot her. Because one of her gay friends brought her to a party. Rapid dogs. That happens more often than you think in the royal family. Needless to say, I'm a cat person now. I shot a gun, guys. Oh, yeah.

You went to New England. I went to New England. I went to new england i went to new england new england i went to new england um i went to new england um i shot a gun it was really sick first time i've ever shot a gun in my whole life it was a shotgun wow damn my first time at the ll bean shooting range that is not a real place you see the right Did you get a monogrammed backpack? I did see the boot because I went to the L.L. Bean store afterwards. Yeah, no, there's a real

L.L. Bean shooting range. It was really sick. This gun instructor was just like, I missed all of the skeet. What do you call them? Skeets? The discs? I missed all of them and he just looked at me and was like is there something you don't understand about this it's like this 80 year old guy who was

gave this like uh like a destructive course before it was just like i've been in two wars and i can't hear anything out of my ears and that's why i'm wearing this hearing aids and i was like this guy's gonna fucking like kill me but it was fun it was fun i got a bunch of other uh discs on my other round when they were like because you do one round of outgoing and they do one of incoming and i got all the incoming ones well that's good yeah i was really proud of myself. And then, yeah, we went to L.L. Bean's store. It's run by this Linda Bean is the last surviving member of the Bean estate. Mr. Bean, of course. Linda Bean, and she, like, runs Maine. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really sick. Linda Bean, she's, like, a huge MAGA lady. Yeah, of course. Yeah, fucking what's the Paul LePage? I think that's his name. He's like this insane, like, yeah. There was some kid at my community college who, like, had a bunch of Paul LePage stickers on his Jeep Rubicon. Who's Paul LePage?

What the fuck is a Rubicon? It's a type of Jeep. It's a Jeep that transforms into a smaller Jeep. Yeah. Yeah. kind of hard, though. It's a Jeep that transforms into a smaller Jeep. It's a Jeep that gives you a get-out-of-jail-free card for statutory. Were you just in New England to shoot guns, Ben?

No, just to chill. Just going to chill. Just to get out of the city. Just to pester New Englanders. Before winter comes, I feel like winter is going to be really cursed here. Like, you're going to go on another lockdown, probably. They probably won't even need to lock it down. It'll just be so shitty and things will be closed.

It'll just be a self-imposed lockdown. No more anything to be mandated by the government. I'm excited to stop getting fooled by New York Mexican restaurants. Because I walk in and they give me a different menu than they give the Mexican guys there. I swear to God. It keeps happening to me. I got like hamburger beef with ketchup on it the other day.

They give you McDonald's. It was like $22. Fuck this, dude. You should try getting a darker tan. I'm sticking to these. It's impossible. This is as dark as I get. You should do brown face.

If you walked into a Mexican restaurant with brown face on. Maybe I'll just dress up like Borat. Maybe I'll just do Borat. There you go. It might give me something a little better. Just draw a tear by the corner of your eye. If you combined all of us, I think we'd look like Borat. I have a Jesus tattoo.

How much more fucking Hispanic do you want me to be? You got a Selena t-shirt? No, not yet. There you go. I could order one. I've been trying hard. You don't even know how to be Latino. Selena t-shirt, stud earring, boots.

Sombrero. Yeah, let's get some Latino lessons going. Yeah, a peg leg and a parakeet. Is that Latino? That's now period. Come on. Oh, okay. It's more pirate.

But, you know, you could pull off Latino, I think, Caleb. Yes. Let me see. I need to find my do-rag. Get some brown contacts. Oh, just borrow Ben's.

Ben, can I have your do-rag? It's not a do-rag for the last time, Jacques. What it is. I've never worn a do-rag? It's not a do-rag for the last time, Jacques. What it is. I've never worn a do-rag. People message me on Instagram, they're like, it's called a wave cap when it's worn. It's a wave cap. It's a do-rag that black people wear.

Kind of like how white people can't say the N-word hard or they have to use the soft A. Yeah, exactly. Everybody knows their rule. On Instagram. Exactly like that rule Max people on Instagram and Twitter always send me messages saying

can you send me that picture of Ben in a do-rag you're always talking about getting DMs it's like you get two you want me to see the screenshots my fans talk to me constantly. You block people. You block people who DM you.

You block my friend Dan for no reason. Look, I blocked him. That's a very easy explanation. He said, hey, tell your friend Chris I said hi. And I was like messaging him on his own app. That seems pretty fair. I mean, I have a social I'm not running his social.

Sure, but does it mean you need to fully block someone? Yes. They need to learn their lesson. You gotta teach them. People need to learn some goddamn respect. I can't do it. You expect from a bisexual

wearing a Sopranos t-shirt. Message him on his own app. As if he has an entirely different app. He doesn't have his own app? What the fuck's wrong with him? I'm going to get that paper. It's the Jacques app. Yeah.

Jacques thinks Instagram is, quote unquote, the Jacques app. It is. It is. Sorry, I'm trying to maintain some exclusivity. I don't just let anyone in. Yeah, you're right. That's the lesson we've all learned from Ben. I had this guy, I had this account

DM me and that app was sublibboy and he was like feet please sir. And he was like, feet, please, sir. And I was... Yeah. I'm not going to fucking do it, you fucking sicko. I'm guessing...

Sub-lib boy. Ben, I'm guessing you have huge ogre feet. And, like, fucked up fungus on your toes. And, like, big hair. Big hair clumps on every toe. Very opposite. Very dainty women. One long hair. One huge hair.

One big threadlock in between the big toe. Looks like a horn coming off of the top of the foot. That's where my wave cap goes. You wear Rasta caps on your feet. Yeah. Five little caps. your feet. Yeah. Shut up. Five little caps. Like finger puppets.

Ben's got more. Ben's got those kind of feet where they like pickle them and like kind of shrink them. What are you talking about? That's not. Asian women. Okay. Let's back. Hold on. We think Asian women bite their feet. them and like kind of shrink them like what are you talking about that's not like let's hear it continue yeah just go for it there's chinese chinese foot pickling let's everybody knows about it i need to hear more about this there's this asian like culture thing where they like shrink it's on the menu right next to the sugar shrimp. I don't know what you're talking about. It's literally called Chinese foot binding,

and it's not Asian foot pickling. I don't know where those lines got crossed in your head. You stick your feet in kimchi. You just keep them in for a month. And when you pull them out, they're baby feet. That was the standard of beauty and in North Extremely small extremely stinky feet This seven hundreds was vinegar sticking their feet in kimchi to keep them tiny and small

It's okay, Jacques. You were not far off, I guess. Chinese foot binding is kind of fucked up. It basically turns their feet into hooves. Why do you need to clarify? Okay, Jacques, clarification time. I was just trying to clarify that I was trying to say that Ben has tiny effeminate woman feet.

You have female feet? You have like hoes? Female hoes. Every other Costa Rican, of course. Cloven feet and a squiggly little tail. You have like Mr. Krabs feet. People love it.

People fucking love it. Yeah, people love my Cloven feet I taught myself how to write my name with my foot You're a freak dude That's like a monkey Quarantine well spent No I did that in middle school

You were quarantined For all of middle school though Yeah that's true I was also quarantined for SARS So I'm gonna do this next one all of middle school though. Yeah, that's true. I was also quarantined for SARS. So I'm going to do this next one. There was an explanation for the shape of your head. Yeah. I've been waiting for that.

They put an astronaut helmet on Patrick to protect him from germs and his head just took its shape. That's why he looks like a Lego man. He's describing Bubble Boy. It's called Patrick Headbinding. They pickled Patrick's head.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry. It's an Irish thing. Wait, are you Irish, Patrick? Irish Headrounding. Are all of you Irish? He has a fucking green screen. Patrick is an Afro-Celtic.

Yeah. I'm like the guy from St. Lizzy. I did see an album yesterday at Goodwill entitled The Sounds of Afro-Celtic. Wait, really? Did you buy it? I want to know what that sounds like. Yeah, me too. No, I was going to find it.

That's going to be the intro. I was going to buy fucking Beanie Babies. It's like the Celtic dancing that they all do, but it's combined with like beatboxing. The river dance? Yeah, it's like river dance, but it's on a piece of cardboard. Yeah, a piece of cardboard.

Be pretty cool, honestly. It's not a bad idea. So, Patrick, you're Irish. Caleb, what are you? What kind of whites are we working with? I'm Italian and allegedly Native American. Never been confirmed.

Okay. Mesofunuk. Mesofunuk. That's the one. And then Cameron is 100% Polish. I'm not 100% Polish. 100%. No, no, no. Let's do it.

Tess, give him a math question. He's Polish. I swear to God. Okay. Seven times nine. Seven! Past Polish math. Yeah.

I don't think I, I mean, I've never done my- Polish math, or sorry. Polish multiplication is when you just say the number the amount of times that you're multiplying it. Seven times nine is seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven. And honestly, he's right. Polish teachers are like, what is seven? And the kids are like, five.

Yeah, that's the right questions they ask the kids. Got him! Taking down his own people It's fun Have you guys shot guns before? I'm kind of unconfident I was about to ask Carolina I've shot an MP7 You've shot a woman

I've shot a 7 An an 8, and a 6. And I really liked the 8. That was the best one. I've shot shotguns, an MP7, and an old bolt-action rifle. Oh, nice. And I have that Native American aim. It's just all with the bullseye. That dead eye. Yeah, nice. Yeah, my... And I have that Native American aim. It's just all with bullseye. That's right. That dead eye. Yeah, exactly. Well, then it's okay for you to

shoot white women if you're, you know... Right. That's just the native in you coming out. I didn't specify, but I'll let you... Yeah, sure. They were white. Yeah, they were all white. Yeah. One drop rule, am I right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. all white yeah one drop rule am I right same time shotgun double double barrel bolt-action rifle and then an m16. That's four. Not M16.

M16? In Vietnam, yeah. What's the machine? What's the machine? Shocks of Vietnam. Shotgun and a musket. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit.

And a plasma cannon. No, it's fine. I was expecting to get a plasma's fine I was expecting to get bruised afterwards because people were all like I shot a shotgun and it broke my collarbone or something but it was fine it didn't hurt

one of the best kinds of videos is women shooting big guns and they all they fly the gun flies off their arms. Yeah, see, I was expecting that to happen to me and I was fine. Do you know what gauge shocker he shot?

Yeah, it was probably like... Or people who put their eyes too close to the scope and it fucking gives them a black eye. I don't know what kind of gauge shock on it was. I don't know, the guy was just like, you know, he was teaching everyone how to hold it. You like rest it in your shoulder and then you put it up against your cheekbone. Yeah. Whatever the gayest gauge of a gun yeah i mean it was i think double triple xl extender model yeah well it's just a it's just a mindset thing if you believe the gun's not gonna

knock you over then it won't that's true women have exactly they don't know they just expect to be knocked over. Well, at one point, the guy, the gun instructor, looked at us, and he was like, so I'm guessing you're all

involved in the arts somehow. Oh, my God. Those guys can just sniff it out, dude. Dude, he fucking roasted us. Because me and, like, people who run meme accounts up there, and it's like, we're not even in the arts.

We're just, like, gay. Like, we're not even gay. Oh like, we're not even in the arts. We're just, like, gay. Yeah, that's being in the arts. Not even, like, talented people were just, like, shit posters. Well, that's what he said. I mean, if that range hadn't been in New England, if it had been in, like, Georgia, he just would have called you homos.

I would have guessed you guys are all involved in being gay. In his defense, it's because I was deep-throating a shock. That guy can identify arts people. Getting the sensor gay. A guy could spot a gay guy from fucking 100 yards away because he just looks at him through a scope all day anyway.

Like, true. He just looks at a guy through his eye. Yeah, he literally watched us come from like two miles away through the scope of his gun. I mean, honestly... You can just hear the way that the tires are spinning on the road. You can just tell. I wanted to be like, dude,

you work at the L.L. Bean shooting range. Probably the gayest shooting range. You're fucking cucked, dude. Don't talk to me. You work at the L.L. Bean shooting range. I would love to work there. I would love a job with guns.

I don't think they'd give them to you. Let's get you on the SWAT team, Chuck. I'm good. I'm great. Then you get revenge on that dog. I can hit the bullseye with a pistol. I mean, we have proposed this idea before for police reform where it's just like, okay, you know,

we don't abolish the police. We don't necessarily defund the police. We just get rid of all of them. But there's one left, and it's just Jock. Jock's in charge. Just the only cop for the entire country is Jock. I think that that's a good compromise. I think that's what we get.

Does he have to drive a lot? I'm going to get a Segway. I'm going to get a Segway. Yeah, a Segway. That's all you got. I don't need that. We'll give him one of those little cars that are for kids that are electric but look like a BMW. Oh, yeah.

One of those. Oh, no, Jacques. What's that thing called? The green machine? No. Pussy machine. That's what it's called. Pussy machine. What's that thing called? The green machine? No. Pussy machine. That's what it's called. Pussy machine.

Yeah, that's right. Pussy machine. Pussy magnet. Juicy. Yeah. And I think, honestly, yeah, we just get really stupid cops. That's a good idea. Yeah, that's definitely not what's going on right now.

What happens to Police Academy? I guess they're already incredible. The problem is cops are too smart right now. They're outsmarting everybody. I know. Cops are canceled. Cops have again outsmarted a minority. We need more goofy cops.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Obviously, when people were saying all cops are bad cops, they weren't talking about anyone in the movie Police Academy. True. These guys are honest heroes. They're smart enough to do

You're telling me that he's Trust a cop that does that really more nonverbal police Have you guys seen that that police cruiser in Miami that's painted autism colors? It's pronounced Aut-tizzy. Come on. Have a little respect. Okay. Sorry, Jacques.

Aut-tizzy pride. Is that a Diet Coke director's chair? Yeah, it is. That is a Diet Coke. Jacques is sitting in a Diet Coke director's chair. Every part of his outfit is coordinated. Oh, my God. Black and red.

Oh, there's the Bing. The Bing. We got the Bing out. He's got the Bing out. He has Bing, dude. No, Jacques does this thing where he coordinates. He color coordinates his outfit from head to toe like a Puerto Rican seven-year-old. I like this.

This is great. All bisexuals should do this. Just show exactly which way you're swinging, whatever it is. Bisexuals could learn all this. This is great. All bisexuals should do this. Just show exactly which way you're swinging, whatever it is. Bisexuals could learn a lot from me. Yeah, I mean, that's true. There's a new game show we're making for Quibi. It's called Bisexual or Puerto Rican 7-Year-Old. Have a little bit more respect, Patrick.

Have a little bit more respect. It's going to be on Tubi. I can do a Tubi deal. Tubi's got some movies. Tubi is like Queeby, but even better. Tubi is like a free... And so another entry in the

fucking made-up names that make up Jacques' media consumption. I know. I'll be honest he watches Tubi which is kind of like Tweeby I'm gonna say the most classist thing I can ever say but like I would dare not waste my time watching Tubi or Queeby that's free television

wait why is that classist Queeby's not free it's free, I guess. Doesn't Quibi have like a six-month free trial or something? Like, weren't a bunch of people just like... Yeah, like how Tidal used to be. Well, it's like Quibi is really retarded because it's like... I don't want free things.

It was like 10-minute episodes of shows on your phone because some boomer was like, this is what Gen Z and millennials want. They want lightning fast entertainment. You know who it was? I don't have the attention span for a movie, but I will sit and watch four hours of a TV show.

Yeah. It was already going to fail. They were like, oh, you can watch this on the bus and the train. And then the fucking COVID happened right as they launched it, too. Yeah. It was just like an already bad idea. There's CEOs like Meg Whitman who single-handedly fucked up eBay and then Hewlett-Packard and then her own failed candidate.

Oh, yeah, I know her. I don't want the free things in life. I want the more expensive things. She's known in California for being a perennial candidate and always falling on her face in the Republican primary. Not even being a good Republican in California. The bar is so fucking low there. Here, you only have to be not an inbred retard who has a seated Jefferson bumper sticker

or not have a felony. She can't even clear that. It's so sad. Linda Bean ran for office, but she lost. Yeah, she ran as a MAGA Republican in Maine. It didn't work. Who's Linda Bean? Is she a lesbian?

All they had to do was run the smear ads of her brother, Mr. Bean. Fucking hell. Her brother put a whole turkey on his head. Do you think that this person is not going to do the same? Here's a sound clip of her brother

on the tax reform. I love that show. That show is so good. The guy who did L.L. Bean, his name is Leon Leon Bean. I'm like, wait, you're telling me Leon Leon Bean isn't black? Yeah, he's not like a comedian in Atlanta.

Yeah, literally. He's like a white guy who lives in man who makes boots you follow me oh yeah you go to the Apollo a lot yeah this is a very same outfit yeah that's the same bit like Bernie Mac a little you do not of have a Bernie Mac thing going on. I don't get a single drip of water in my eyes during these shows. Oh, damn. What? Look at those goggles.

What are you talking about? Safety goggles? These aren't shooting range goggles. Look at that. Can you just stop getting so fucked up before recording? I'm not even fucked up! Okay. You are drinking straight tequila.

A big, like, drinking less tequila. Wow. A big gulp of tequila. Tell me how to live. Oh, Jacques, don't do that to your kidney. We need you. Oh, Jacques. Don't do that to your kidney.

Oh, Jacques. Please don't do that to your liver. Shut up. You're not going to tell me what to do. Of course I'm a little bit fucked up. Wait, how old are you now, Jacques? How old are you now? 42.

Finally. I thought you were 13. Wait, wait, wait. How old are you? 41. No, for real. How old are you? You're 27, for real. How old are you? You're 27.

You're 29. Be fucking honest. Okay, okay, okay. Fine, fine, fine. Jacques and I are the same age. I think Jacques is 28. I'm 420 years old. Pounds.

I'm 28. I'm 28 now. Did he really? Can you say that? Can you say that? Can I say what? Pounds? 420 pounds? Come on, man. That's mean.

That's fucked up. Be nice to him. Shock's like a solid... Okay, wait. First off, everyone shut the fuck up. Tell me what solid weight I am. I just said, if we're guessing 180, 190.

Carnival style, going over. We're really switching it up here where we get to be the carnival bonkers. What are you, like 4'6"? Okay, I'm not a swamp creature. I don't know. Yes, you are. I'm 5'9".

Jacques is confirmed 5'9". Jacques is 5'9". Probably 180, 190. Yeah, I guess the 180 piece. Let me get the calipers out. Everyone take a guess. Everyone take a guess. Come on.

I feel like Jock and I, I feel like if you did. I say 184. Yeah, something like 190, 180 range. Yeah. You got to pick a number. Yeah, come on. Okay, I will go with I'll highball it

I'll go 192 Jacques do you know your weight? 166 bitches No you're not Wow You got a skinny legend in the house Congrats Congrats

Chubba Wumba Adderall helps Look at the body under all those layers Oh it does dude it does I was like 150. Chubba Wumba. Adderall helps. Look at the body under all those layers. Oh, it does. Dude, it does. I was like 150 like two years ago. Also, I literally roller skate and run around my house screaming at the top of my lungs for hours. You burn a lot of calories.

Wait, Pat, you used Adderall as a weight loss supplement? No, it just happened. I would take it and then forget to eat because i was like yeah you'd lose so much weight i met this hair well it like it like is math i met this yeah i met this heroin addict in rehab and he used to be like 350 400 pounds overweight and then he was like i did 350 pounds overweight whatever more than clinic 500 he was 20 pounds away from having his own tlc special about his weight he you know he was my 600 pound rehab life he said he spent three months cooking meth and smoking meth as much as he could so you've got to be really committed to being a fat guy if you

are like obese and also addicted to meth. No, no, no, no. Well, it's the cooking aspect. He did. No, no, no, no. Yeah, you've got to. You missed her. The oven's already on.

You might as well. He was a opiate heroin addict who decided to pick this up doing meth to lose weight. He hooked it, sold it, and did it for three months and then quit and went back to heroin. Heroin is a fat guy drug. That's like the best fat guy drug. Yeah, look at Chris Farley.

Yeah, Chris Farley. Yeah, Artie Lang, exactly. Chris Farley. Chris Farley. Yeah, some of the best comedians. Wait, I thought he died of... Chris Farley and Farting Lang. Who's that fat actress who has her own cooking brand?

You. I think it's your mom. No, Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. Classic heroin addict. Is Jenny Craig fat? Famous fat woman heroin addict.

Is Jenny Craig a stupid fat bitch? Let me see. Stupid thick fat. That pussy mad fat. I mean, Jenny Craig did, like, Weight Watchers. I didn't know Jenny Craig was a person. Yeah, Jenny Craig. You thought it was a kind of food?

Yeah. A cuisine. Like, it's Howie and her time. Are you in the mood for Jeannie Craig tonight? Let's go to a Jenny Craig restaurant. Jeannie Craig. Wait, no, that's Kirstie. It's a name kind of like, oh, Kirstie Alley.

Yeah, that's Kirstie Alley's a name kind of like Oh, Kirstie Alley. Yeah, that's Kirstie Alley. Actually, you're right, Patrick. Jenny Craig is a food, is like a low-calorie diet food brand. Jenny Craig is Kirstie Alley as a rep. Eminem says her name in a song. He says that a girl ate him like Jenny Craig or something.

He threatens her life in a song. He threatens to beat her up. I think that's the song where he says he's going to throw a woman off a diving board. I'm pretty sure it's that one. It's crazy how much of his music was just about beating up your

wife. No, no, no. Jock is right about that. He was just like, we're teasing about Eminem, not Jimmy. Where did Jimmy Buffett come into your head? No, shut up. I can trace this back.

Jacques thought Kirstie Alley, food, buffet, Jimmy Buffett. Got me. We got there. We got there. That's true. No, Cheeseburgers in Paradise is an infamous- One of the best songs of all time.

It's an infamous metaphor for beating women. It's a song about beating women. There is nothing more infamous than Cheeseburgers in Paradise. No song. Jimmy would eat a cheeseburger after thoroughly beating the shit out of each of his wives. How did you come to this conclusion? This is fact. This is... How? Okay, to this conclusion? This is fact.

I understand that you think it is. I'm asking you where you heard this. I was talking to a celebrity biographer who was writing a book about him. About Jimmy Buffett? Yes. He used to give his wife a cheeseburger. That's what he would call it?

No, he'd eat the cheeseburger after he beat his wife. So you're right. Most people who are domestic abusers usually celebrate after they beat their spouse with some sort of food. A cheeseburger, a steak. So he's saying, I have a good

day. I want to eat a piece of meat. Jimmy Buffett beats his wife. He eats a cheeseburger. Did you just say you have a good date and you want to eat a piece of meat. Jimmy Buffett beats his wife. He eats a cheeseburger. Did you just say you have a good date and you want to eat a piece of meat? It's a good day if I have enough meat. Oh, I thought you said how much is enough meat? It says right here on the Wikipedia

that it's about a guy trying to amend his carnivorous habits with health foods. Yeah, that's what he says. Carnivorous habits. Yeah, he's what he says. Made it about 70 days. Carnivorous habits. Yeah, he's preying on his wife. That sick fuck has been... Okay. Well, thank you for canceling Jimmy Buffett once and for all.

No one wants to go to goddamn Margaritaville. What are you talking about? Are you fucking wrong? You're so fucking wrong. It's right in front. His name is Jimmy Buffet because he was buffeting his wife with blows I thought I recognized you

ugly motherfuckers you're the guys that always hang out at a hard rock cafe right? oh I did we're the house band the animatronic house band at hard rock I would love to go to Margaritaville.

I would do anything. I want to see the musical. I want to see, yeah, I want to get a $25 cocktail. That's right. Caleb had a big Jimmy Buffett face recently. It wasn't a big, it was, I spent like four days listening to Jimmy Buffett. Go into the Mexican restaurant. Mr. Pitsluck.

Blasting Jimmy Buffett. I was, Mexican restaurant. Mr. Pitsluck. Blasting Jimmy Buffett. Get the McDonald's menu out. I was just listening to Jimmy Buffett. What I love about Jimmy Buffett is that every one of his songs, even the ones, like he has a song called He Went to Paris, which is about a young man who goes to Paris and has a wife and a kid in Paris, and then his wife and kid die in World War II. And it doesn't matter what the beginning of the song is,

the end of the song is always that guy on the beach drinking beer at the end. So that song ends with him singing about how the guy is in Florida now, and he just loves martinis. You would have sympathy for a veteran. It's funny how this guy was going out and down for it in the 80s.

Just because your wife dies doesn't mean you're a veteran. Yeah. It's funny how many guys earnestly listen to that and are like, yeah, that's me. Yeah, well, my dad. That's my dad. Jimmy Buffett ruined my parents' marriage. Oh, you have a papa?

How did Jimmy Buffett ruin your parents' marriage? Because he infected my dad's brain. Did he fuck your mom? Yeah. He infected my dad's brain so badly that one time my mom said when they decided to get a divorce, my mom was like, what do you see in the future? Because I want to get a PhD and I mom was like, what do you see in the future? Because I want to get a PhD and I want to teach at a high-level university.

And my dad was like, well, I want to move to the Bahamas and open a tiki bar. That's what he said. And my mom gave up. Is that where your dad lives now? So did your dad do the tiki bar? No, my dad plays poker now in a store. So he's just like an alcoholic. Yeah, bingo. That's hot.

I want to meet your daddy. My dad's probably pretty hot. Not to me. He's my fucking dad. Jesus Christ. Sorry, you don't want to fuck your dad. I'm going to censor that last one. I'm going to cut it out.

Yeah, we fucked him. I thought Caleb was dead. Nobody fucked my dad, dude. David does not. He doesn't fuck. No, you didn't. I know David. I don't know David.

I fucked David after the first episode I recorded with y'all. It's because I beat him. I played him in... We played gay chicken. Yep, true. In his storage unit. He only likes playing gay chicken because he's so good at it, okay? Gay chicken is so...

I actually want to play that. Did you guys ever play... I played gay chicken in high school. The knockout game when you were Oh yes all the time Yeah I love playing that The knockout game The knockout game that I played

Yeah the knockout game I played It was like you I thought you were talking about the other one You like hold your You drink Your uncle's special drink. I'd do a much different game. You put your hands on your knees

and then you kind of like lower your head down and like breathe in and out. And then you stand up and you put your back against the wall and then one of your hot brother's friends like holds his hands against your neck and then you pass out. Yeah, I knew a kid who did that

and he claimed he got high. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah this is a drug and i get high off this this is how i get high yeah i'm fucking twisted that's just like a little kid way of getting it did you guys ever smoke nutmeg yes i had a friend who smoked nutmeg. Not smoked. This morning I smoked nutmeg. There's some process where you take raw nutmeg and you grate it and eat a bunch of it and it makes you feel insane.

I remember I read trip reports of people who ate too much nutmeg. It's all stuff like I went blind for an hour. I thought I was going to die. I tried to smoke nutmeg in the eighth grade because I saw it on Mansers.

I saw it on Mansers. I tried to smoke nutmeg. I wrapped it like a joint, but in a Post-it note. As soon as I went back a little bit, all the nutmeg went down my throat. And I was just in my basement, just like... Just doing the nutmeg challenge to nobody? Just holding a flaming post-it note. Your parents find your suffocated dead body and they're like...

He tried to smoke nutmeg I'm listening to the next episode by Dr. Dre and I'm dead on the ground choking on nutmeg hey thank god he died doing what he loves

getting high yeah the coroner comes back upstairs and like gives gives your parents the bad news like oh wait he died from being retarded again

another one I brought him back to life thank god but it's like you can't do math now how parents used to have like 12 kids because one of them would inevitably die of uh typhoid or something yeah like irish people just irish catholics just have 12 kids because right one of them is bound to die from the cinnamon challenge. Irish Catholics didn't stop doing that until the 80s. My mom is like one of eight. Any dead siblings?

Yeah, a couple. Nice. My mom is one of 17. She's more Catholic. Wait, your mom has 17 siblings? 16 siblings. She's one of 17. Where are you? Why are you out of this why are

you not in the screen i'm trying to get my syringe god i want to get a hot water whoa whoa whoa let's go jock jock sent me a picture of a syringe filled with something uh like very nasty and brown black yeah and i thought it was gonna be like fucking heroin or something but no apparently it's it's what is it it's just wax it's just wax just like coke so yesterday yesterday i woke up and it was my birthday and i had no we know it's left and i was disappointed so i was like i called this uber driver that gave me his number um and he was like hey call me call me and i'll use no he used his medical card to go get me a bunch of uh because there's only medical here and so i'm waiting in this fucking weirdos uber he picked me up at like 10 30 right after the beanie baby woman and i got my syringe full of wax what a beautiful. You didn't even go floating? Good birthday.

It's 69 degrees outside, so floating would be... It's getting cold. But I think I'm going to go actually tomorrow, even though it's cold, in a sweatsuit and just not get wet. Good luck with that. A sweatsuit? You mean a wetsuit or a sweatsuit? No, I mean a sweatsuit. Like a whole...

Wet pants. Is it going to be magic? Champion sweatshirt. Are you going to float? Send me a fit pic before you go. Yeah. Honestly, I could swear this is going to inevitably fall into the water. It's such a disaster for you, Jacques. You are going to have such a terrible time because you're going to get wet and then freak out.

What is floating? Jacques has... Shut up, Jacques. Have you ever done Molly up Jacques has um Molly no have you ever dropped MDMA this is like that but better okay I'm ready Jacques has got a couple uh inflatable mattresses queen size that he blows up and floats down the river on it's beautiful just the river yeah looks like a beautiful river in Montana he just floats down the river on it invest in a raft I guess but I could do that here I

was trying to tell him that he should stop spending his money on like so much drugs and just cut back a little bit and then buy like an inflatable by one draw I buy one type of drug. It's wax. Like a bouncy house. Just live in it on the river. That's not a bad idea. That's pretty cool, actually. Don't you need a license for it?

Do you have a houseboat or something? No, because you just keep moving. You just keep floating. They can't catch you. You're a rambling man. I would love a houseboat. I would die for a houseboat. I would die.

River man. I would love to smoke even a houseboat. River man. River man Jacques. Old Jacques who lives down by the river. Don't talk to that guy. That's the river man. That's the river man.

That's the river man Jacques. Making myself sound like... There goes the river man going's the River Man shot Making myself sound like There goes the River Man That boy got a damn devil in him Or making me sound like Cajun Rain Man You are Cajun Rain Man To be clear That was not you talking about yourself, by the way.

That's not the character. That's a different guy. That's a different guy. That's a new voice. Are you doing my voice? What do I sound like to you? Jacques has a really good... This is what I sound like! Patrick!

Patrick! Wait, let me do Ben. Yeah, Jacques has a really good Ben impression. God! That's pretty good. God! It's gripping so much. I think you just broke your mic, you fucking idiot. It's beautiful. You have a third mic you need to get in

two months. is this is max hey have you guys ever heard this song also can i suck your cock because i'm back that's pretty good that's right you know that's got him most of the way there fair there's been so many times where i've been listening to something i'm like damn where did i find this and i realized it's just something palma sent me yeah yeah you're listening to the audio of the video of the guy shooting a baby out of his ass. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was thinking. The comedy of Max.

Max will send you like a... I love this song. Max will send you like some Inuit jazz song that's like the greatest thing you've ever heard. I know. And he'll send you a fucking... Oh yeah, the classic genre. A giant guy's ass. It's like, I think we should combine the two. a fucking oh yeah the classic genre giant guy's ass

it's like I think we should combine the two I think what we need to do is get some Marcos Valle songs and put them to prolapse videos

absolutely that's I think that's the intersection yeah hey don't I do

I do someone's done that before someone has to have done that before nice don't make fun of things people can't change like prolapses I do. Someone's done that before. Someone has to have done that before. Don't make fun of things people can't change, like prolapses. Yeah, you're right, Joe. Or like Max's...

Couldn't help him getting fisted. Max is taking you to send you videos of somebody skull-fucking an alligator. He's like, isn't this the funniest thing ever? Yeah, it's so indie. Yeah. Everybody loves this. no one else has these back in the day yeah i wonder yeah posters over here uh-huh like animal collective the funny

thing is matt max you're like the only poster poc on the podcast but culturally you are by far the whitest of us. I am so fucking... Hang on actually. You hail from a family of right wing warlords. Indie. This one's framed but it's a limited edition Animal Collective show poster that I took off the wall. Oh my god. Pack it. That screams like

honking. You fucking honky. I have a Lollapalooza 91 poster on the wall too I mean it's great I love being white why jog just like the way he's saying like oh look at this

limited edition animal collective poster it's like why don't you just go make out at the Pitchfork Festival Jesus there is nothing I would rather do than bomb the Pitchfork Festival I Jesus. There is nothing I would rather do than bomb the Pitchfork Festival. I just hope someone kisses me while we're listening to Beach House. That's what your animal collective story is.

They give another Robin Pecknold album another best new music and I swear to fucking Christ I'm going to run up that motherfucker. I'm just still mad that that's so true. Can you talk about Jimmy Buffett for a minute? You're doing some hon that that's so true. Yeah, no one knows what you're talking about. Can you talk about Jimmy Buffett for a minute? Yeah, you're doing shit right.

You're on your honky shit right now. I am on my white people shit. They gave that Wilco album, Blue Sky, the worst score. They suck off every Wilco album because they're also from Chicago. Let's take down Pitchfork. Let's do it. Let's finally do it. Yeah, this is the day we take down Pitchfork.

It's 2004, and we're going to take down Pitchfork. Yeah, Pitchfork is a little too relevant. We're doing it in the exact voice that they wrote that John Coltrane was doing. Oh, that's perfect. Has anyone ever done a reading of that, a dramatic reading of that article? Oh, I hope. We can do it now. You could.

I want to read. I love reading. I want to... Jacques, what was the last thing you... I want to hire someone on Fiverr, like a voice actor on Fiverr who does like the, in a world, or like one of those things to make an accent. You know? Jacques, what was the last thing you read? Yeah, I went down to the

jazz club right there and... I started... Don't jazz club right there. Don't go trade. I'll be crying, man. I started rereading the Confederacy of Dunces. That makes sense. What is that? I don't know what that is. It's about a character named Jacques.

It's an eccentric, uh, profe- uh, like, retired professor in New Orleans who, uh, is addicted to eating hot dogs and live with- with his overbearing mother, and he's like 59. 60. Mood. Wow. It's like the most boring explanation of that book. I feel seen. How would you explain that? I just- I don't know how to explain it well. I don't know what that book is.

Super- super crazy, messed up fucking book dude super swag that weird book shocked you some like you do you have any books like weird out have any what yeah neighbors roommates who lives in this house with you I live with one person named Jackson he I met him like maybe a few months before i moved here he's uh dates my best friend chris and he's become a good friend of mine he's grandfathered into this he's just one of my good you're not terrorizing some poor like craigslist we have our house is 100 years old and the outside is thick with bricks and cement, and you cannot hear. Cement?

Cement. What? Cement. Cement. Shocks in the cum house. The cum house. Stuck in the cum house again. So that's the name of the studio we're going to hire

when the Patreon reaches 10K. It's like the lady who lived in a boot. The guy who lived in the boot. The guy who lived in... The lady who lived in the My Little Pony jar. The they that lived in cum. There we go, Jacques. That'll be your autobiography. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I don't know why I asked. I feel like Jacques is one of those people you can tell who's going to be a ghost when they die. Yeah, definitely. I don't think Patrick or Andrew underestimate me, but definitely. No one here is named Andrew. Who's Andrew?

What's the guy on the far right? The one with the hair? That's Cameron. That's different for his name. His name's on the thing. It's right there. My name is SpongeBob. You got my name?

Look, I'm sorry, Cameron Fritter. I didn't mean to. That's okay. There we go. Cameron Apple Fritter. Yeah. You want to finish your thought? No, I don't.

You want to take another guess at one of our names? Yeah. Caleb Pity Pussy. Pity Pussy. You're close. You're really close. Pity Pussy. pussy. Pity pussy. You're close. You're really close. Pussy pity. Pity for pussy.

You're a misogynist. Jacques, you got somewhere. Jacques is going to be a ghost, and the person he haunts, nobody's going to believe them because it's just the stuff he does as a ghost is not just gonna be like yeah this person's gonna be a ghost who just like walks around costco shopping and yeah someone someone shut up shock shut up shut up someone like it's like in the like in the sixth sense where someone walks into their kitchen and all the cupboards are open but instead there's just 19 Princess Diabene babies. We'll be like, all the butter.

All the butter in my fridge. All the butter is out of my fridge. And it looks like someone ate it. There's a roaring pot of gumbo on my stove. And there's a pair of roller skates right in front of it. What is going on? There's a mysterious air mattress floating in my bathtub.

Last night I couldn't sleep because the floor above me, I just heard roller skates and kid mattress. I had a stick and a half of butter yesterday. My walls are bleeding bing. There's bing dripping down my walls. Is this normal?

Jacques, if you could haunt anyone who would have... Not us. Don't say any of us. We're off. We're all gonna be haunted. Honestly, if I could haunt anyone, it would be Ben. I just fucking said that. Jesus Christ. Okay, okay, wait listen listen if i could haunt anyone

honestly it would probably be the creator slash head of pc music ag cook um i've always tried to be noticed by him you know oh this is i mean i mean like a i mean haunt in like a in like a mean way like a normal ghost would, not because they're obsessed. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds has been my long-term enemy for years. What's your haunted plan? Why Ryan Reynolds? The last time he was in Lafayette, Louisiana in 2015, when him and Scarlett Johansson were considering purchasing property in New Iberia, Louisiana, 10 minutes outside of Lafayette, Louisiana.

They happened to go to a concert downtown. And I saw him and I looked at him and I made this face and he looked at me. What kind of face did you make? I was like...

I just kind of was like... Yeah, you were kind of inquisitive. And he looked at me and he was like... I just kind of was like, like, yeah, you were kind of inquisitive. Like, and he looked at me and he was like, and then he pointed at me and him and Scarlett Johansson laughed and pointed at me. And it came to me. As would anybody. He had said something about my outfit. I could just tell.

Yeah. Do you remember? So that's why they didn't move to New Iberia because they saw you wearing a yellow mini skirt and they were like we cannot move here. They didn't go to New Iberia because Honestly Jacques that's really baller that you

scared Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds off from gentrifying Arcadia. I only scared them off after I spilled my drink on them. Because once they had pointed and laughed... You spilt your drink on them also? They pointed at you and they laughed at you.

After they pointed and laughed at me, I walked closer to them. And I pushed the person in front of them and knocked them. What's called fucking laugh by yet for a reason. Am I right, folks? I mean, you kind of already are haunting that was the thing that pushed him to make Deadpool

that was the thing that made him finally snap I would just also I would love to haunt any of the places that I roller skate or like who are your other

celebrity enemies we've got Ryan Reynolds George Lopez Larry the Cable Guy why George Lopez no Queen Elizabeth George Lopez was always wasting the Nickelodeon past it was wasted on him yeah I honestly you're right the George Lopez Lopez show. Larry the Cable Guy should be very transparent

why he's my number one enemy. He stole Jacques' bit. He stole my bit before I could even... Before you could even think of it. Classically how stealing bits work is when someone does something before you can think of it. Also, Ariana Grande. for the same reason same reason yeah i just i write one song and i've in and i see it come out and i'm like

okay look okay any other celebrity run-ins well i mean i... Okay, this is actually another time a celebrity pointed and laughed at me. So I was at the wrap-up party for Django Unchained in New Orleans. Django? What? Yes. I had one of my friends was a personal assistant. Quentin Tarantino pointed and laughed at you. No, no, it's even better. I feel like he'd like you. It was Gold personal assistant When Tarantino pointed and laughed at Jacques No, no, it's even better

I feel like he'd like you It was Gold Digger guy, what's his name? Jamie Foxx? Jamie Foxx pointed and laughed at me Gold Digger guy That's a crazy pull on Jamie Foxx So this is how this story goes So I'm at this wrap up party

And I'm dancing on the dance floor Which has a What were you wearing wearing i don't remember slave outfit metal barricades going through the center of the room separated the vip section from us and very clearly you could see leonardo caprio jamie fox, and Samuel L. Jackson were all at this party, the wrap-up party. And I was dancing next to – Did he just –

Wait, I'm getting there. God, can you wait a second? Your voice cut out for a second. Your voice cut out for a second. No, that's my internet. Calm down. Calm down. Keep going.

It's okay. Anyway, so I'm dancing next to them, and this girl comes and taps my shoulder. It's like, hey, look, those celebrities are pointing and laughing at you. No, no, no, listen, listen. She says, oh, my God, hey, come over the barricade. You would love my brother. I want to introduce you to my boyfriend. We were talking about your dancing.

So I'm dancing just crazy. It's just one of those first times I'd ever done cocaine, and I was maybe like 19 or 20. So you're dancing like Squidward does. She pulls me into the VIP section, and it's Leonardo DiCaprio's 23-year-old Victoria's Secret girlfriend. Yeah. That's too old for him.

Oh my god. Whoa, hot take. Let's go, Pat. My girlfriend is like, oh my god, I love your dancing. You would be perfect for my brother who lives in the West Village. She's like, and me and my boyfriend were talking about

your dancing. Leo walks up and he's like, hi, I'm Leo. talking about your dancing. And Leo walks up, and he's like, Hi, I'm Leo. I liked your dancing. And I was like... Okay, I don't believe you anymore. I don't think he walked up to you and said, Hi, I am Leo.

I liked your dancing. Two other people, the people who were with me... Yeah, we need some sources to corroborate this. I will bring up official sources. So I got to also walk and shake Samuel L. Jackson's hand. Who are the sources? The person who invited me to the party.

The sources are Samuel L. Jackson and Leonardo DiCaprio. I met Chuck E. Cheese at the Django rap party. And he loved my dancing. Regardless of what you believe, it's true. You can't take it away from you. It happened.

That's right, Jacques. Just like my war experience. Okay, so you met Samuel L. Jackson. I just shook his hand and I told him that my favorite movie he was ever in was Coming to America because he was the robber for the mcdowell wells this is one of his roles okay and then jamie foxx and the jamie lee foxx i continued to dance in the vip and then he pointed and laughed at me

he wanted a piece of that man Notice the other day you said and I didn't even notice this until I was thinking about afterwards, but you said Rosie O'Donnell Who the fuck are you talking about? Rosie McDonald, the lesbian. What's wrong with you? Yeah. We died. You're right.

Sorry. I feel like I'm being forsaken here. No, we would never forsake you, Jug. We would never forsake you. Never. Look. We value you. You're valid. Just believe women, okay?

After we had the most important day in our nation's history by Visibility Day, we would Yeah, we're being disrespectful. I'm sorry, Jug. Yeah. You are the reason I drink.'t mix beanie babies on me. Don't say that. Don't say it. What, can it be three or five dollars?

I'll send you a link. Okay, I'll buy it. We'll send it. Guarantee. Guarantee I buy it. I like the straight dudes that listen to pods about list or whatever that message me and they're like again that's not that no one

that's nobody did that yeah no do you want screenshots yeah I do I would like to see actually you know what I will pull up the Twitter right now because it's not on the Twitter it's on my Instagram you fucking loser oh my god you're currently...

He also has the password to that. Yeah, I also have the password to that. What did they message you, Jacques? Yeah. Oh, they were just saying, they were like, I heard you on the show. That's funny. And it was like a straight guy who had a girlfriend. It was just funny.

Those sons of bitches. It was just funny. No one who would ever normally message me. Jacques, you have a big DM here about Beanie Babies. I heard you were looking for Beanie Babies selling advice. Glad to give you some help. Easiest and still best way for the high value ones is eBay. Do a search on eBay

filtering for completed listings to see the comps. I don't know what that means. By the way, you're giving away all the tactics to everybody. They're probably going to buy it right from Undershock. Max, you're going to have to beep out that solid 45 seconds. It's in the request.

It's okay. I'll make sure you see it. There's four message requests on here. Yeah. You jocky have no idea how to use any. You don't know how to use Twitter at all. And you shouldn't figure out.

It's what keeps your genius. Thank you. I think we can wrap, boys. Anything we need to do. Are y'all cool? My name is Tom. Yeah. Are we cool, Jock?

Yeah, we good. I like your tattoos. Are we okay? Y'all are nice. Thank you so much. We needed this to end in shock, challenging all of you to a fight. Cameron, Patrick, and Caleb,

thank you so much for coming on. It was nice to talk to you all. Thank you for having us. I like y'all a lot. Him remembering your name is honestly maybe the biggest. I know. Did the five ants just hit? I consider y'all my friends. Yeah, I love you. is honestly maybe the biggest. I know. Did the five ants just hit? Like right now?

I consider y'all my friends. Yeah, Jacques. I love you. You're my best friend. I'm going to go make a baked potato. That's cool. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

That's going to be awesome for you. Bye, Jacques. Check this out. I got this game. It's called The Sims. Oh, The Sims? You got The Sims on PlayStation 2? Make them go woo-woo. Yeah, it's fun.

Okay, well, I love y'all. Bye. Okay, bye. Bye, Jacques. Goddamn. All right, now let's do another hour. Beyond the mic. Without the window. I'm going to do it without the window.

What a god. Oh, oh, oh, oh Um dia de repente Fiz de santo anos Fiz as minhas trouxas Juntei os meus planos Minha mãe não chora Que eu vou pra cidade Eu vou juntar dinheiro E felicidade E assim eu chego

Nessa terra preta Com esses edifícios Todos esses carros E essa moça, moça Que me olha tanto In this black land with these buildings All these cars And this girl, girl Who looks at me so much I don't know how to say it Love here is expensive

Uh uh uh uh uh uh Uh uh uh uh uh uh Uh uh uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Felicidade, e agora eu vejo meus filhos falando uma porção de coisas Eu não entendo nada, cada um só pensa, pensa em si mesmo, em suas amizades, em sua namorada Um conselho eu dou pra esses moços todos que vivem na fazenda Se vocês não vinham, minha mulher me chama agora na cozinha I'm going to the farm, if you don't come, my wife calls me now in the kitchen, but what a longing I have for my land. I'll come back and help you. Welcome to Ireland In the jungle