Seeking Derangements - *Unlocked* SD 339 - Columbo V. Holmes w/ Masha Breeze

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

NYC, get tickets to Hesse and Masha's 9/19 live show, "Miss Trans USA" find links on Masha's twitter (@MashaParty) In this unlocked episode, Ben and Hesse are joined by Masha Breeze. We spill the tea on RFK leaking the juice of a recently beheaded whale on his daughter Kick, discuss what has become a big week for Kick, Drake’s selfies getting gayer, and Mikhalia Peterson’s devious ways. More importantly, we score a big interview with disgraced blonde Elizabeth Holmes, an interview which is quickly interrupted by a certain Italian detective keen on figuring out who murdered Jen Shah.

Thank you. No, the name of the... The puppet is Jigsaw. The puppet is Billy the Puppet. Billy the Puppet. No, it's not. The puppet is Jigsaw. No, the puppet is Billy the Puppet, and Jigsaw is the mastermind.

The mind is... It's in the doll. No. The doll is just a prop. The doll has cancer. Jigsaw wheels in. The doll has cancer. I mean, for our purposes, Jigsaw is the puppet.

And Jigsaw is Santa. For all purposes. For all purposes across time and space. Yeah, forget anything you guys may know. It's actually in the contract that you sign, but when you sign up to do so. When you sign up, it says, for all purposes in heaven and on earth and in hell

and in Mormon heaven, it says on the contract. Because they have to include that, otherwise people get, they've gotten sued over that several times. Yeah. Hello, everyone. Welcome. Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Seeking Arrangements. This is a Patreon episode. We're here with Masha and Hessa. It's Ben. Jock is off for this episode, but like I said, it's on Patreon, so subscribe to Patreon if you want to hear it there. We can't address that yet. Jock is in the room in one way, but you'll be figuring out what I mean by that very soon.

A lot of plastic surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, subscribe to the Patreon if you want to hear the full episode. What's up, y'all? How's it going? Good, good. We were just talking about Jigsaw at the beginning.

Arguing about Jigsaw. I think I was right, but I'm... Well, he broke out of jail. I'm keeping my mouth shut on that one. Yeah. You don't like it? You don... Well, he broke out of jail. I'm keeping my mouth shut on that one. Yeah. You don't like it? You don't like that he broke out of jail? Sitting your cisgender ass down and listening.

Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. I still love the idea of him leaving jail and them being like one tricycle, tiny. Yeah. One creepy puppet outfit. Do you think he made the puppet? Jigsaw?

Yeah. The puppet is a man god made him oh okay yeah the puppet is the same guy as jigsaw they're the same person it's we've been it's like jesus it's like how he's god and the holy trinity yeah okay maybe the pig mask lady well doesn't he doesn't he recruit some like yeah or work with him yeah like some young hussy who starts he recruits a baddie he recruits a baddie yeah yeah he recruits a bit i mean she jigsaw does use all pronouns any all pronouns zero recruits a baddie zero recruits a baddie yeah to kind of live out her to be his protege

yeah yeah yeah but then she gets thrown in a pool full of used needles oh i love that that's my least favorite trap in the whole in the whole series they have like the mexico filter on for that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah anyways what's new they play an elliot smith song did they yeah because he was addicted to drugs wow wow it was an homage i think that's three or four i think that might be four they're still making them? They should be. They made one pretty recently. Yeah. Maybe like two years ago, maybe.

Yeah. I tapped out after, I don't know, after a few minutes of the torture. I was like, get me out of this thing. It was hard for me to watch. Yeah.

During the gay scene, they play a Drake song. The gay one? Yeah. There's a gay scene. Where they play a Drake song. They play Hotline Bling. Yeah.

I just had a friend message me and she was like, this is something I've said on the podcast before and something i just probably said when i'm drunk or something but i have it on good authority and this is not shocking it's barely tea it's something it's just more of a inferable fact it's an infusion it's an infusion but drake has only fans gay guys come out to his studio and suck his dick all the time. Wow. They all have very good authority. And a friend of mine just messaged me, and she's like,

Ben, what'd you say about Drake? Didn't you say he was gay? And I was like, yeah, but like, again, I was like, you need to ask me to know. It's just something I say about everyone. Yeah, but also Drake is clearly a homosexual. Or like, not really gay, but he seems to be one of those guys

at the level of celebrity where you can get any kind of stat you want. And you get bored with just BBL, Miami music video baddies that you're like, what if it was a twink with the same plastic surgery? Right. Because you just need something. You need to like freak it in some way. Twinks with like BBLs. Oh my God.

Yeah. Absolutely. I don't think you're a twink anymore if you get a BBL. Oh, you're a twink with a BBL. Yeah. I guess so. You're like a slim, thick twink. The gender rules in Miami are like,

they're crazy. They're really crazy. You can't call them a twink unless they're from the twink district of Miami. Yeah, it's from the twink region. The twink region of France. Unless they got the BBL by Dr. Miami. It's not an actual

twink BBL. I think Saw should have like a gay torture scene where they like make a straight or like make a gay guy have sex with a woman. Yes, that would be amazing. Yeah. And Jigsaw's like

all your life you've had sex with men. How are you supposed to reproduce? He's like very religious he's angry yeah no but he did break out of jail you guys we are worried because he doesn't he has beef with us i know i'm gonna be so square scared if i hear like a squeaking wheel or something he's coming up behind a little cable tricycle yeah oh my god it'd be so fucked up okay wait drake sorry to talk about drake he's so funny he i think this is like his first post on instagram since getting just like bodied

by kentrick lamar but he posted this picture wait yeah what does it say the caption says i'm not aware of my picture or mirror face it's a curse from birth and i'm influenced by what i see like this is something a girl says when she's happy she's like about to kill herself yeah yes yes such a scary high school girl yes yes and then this is the other selfie oh my god it's a curse from birth he's i'm not aware of my picture or my mirror face It's a curse from birth and I'm influenced by what I see I don't I don't know what that means It means he's going to kill himself

I was feeling a little gloomy this morning And I was drafting close friends story posts Very much in that town But we'll see Maybe Jigsaw will kill Drake Yes I could see that That would be a good TV show buddy show Drake and Jigsaw will kill Drake. Yes. I could see that. That would be a good TV show, buddy show.

Drake and Jigsaw, they're hanging out. Hooray. Do you like it? I think it's great. I would watch it for sure. Do you like it? I would watch the fuck out of that. Period. In other troubled news, other news of troubled men,

RFK... Mosh, you haven't heard about this. No, I'm really excited so rfk had an incident with a whale which is crazy because he it was he ate dogs he got a worm in his his brain he killed the bear there's something about an emu that i don't know about yeah i have no clue what he did to me he probably tried to like write it or something yeah that makes me kill he ate it for sure he ate an emu definitely yeah they're so scary i hate you this dude have you ever encountered one yeah i got chased by one where do you see an emu i got chased by an emu at a zoo in costa rica when i was a toddler oh my god

yeah they just don't have fences they can't afford fences it's like everything's like a story petting zoo there they just let you walk around. It was horrifying because they have like giant talons. But... So RFK... He found... Read the quote. You need to read the quote because

the beginning, the opening of it is so funny. I don't have the OG article. I just have an explainer right here. So Kennedy cut off a whale's head with a chainsaw in and around 1994 after finding out that it washed up on Sacwa Islands in Hyannisport, Massachusetts. His daughter, Kik Kennedy, told Town & Country magazine. He was six years old when this happened.

And he brought her. He found out there was a dead whale up the beach, got a chainsaw, and sprinted to it. Yeah. And cut its head off. And then put it on the top of his car. It's going to sound like... He bungee corded it to the roof of the family's minivan

and drove it to Mount Kirsco, New York. Which is like a five-hour drive. Yeah. Holy shit. Every time we accelerated on the highway, whale juice would pour into the windows of the car and it was the rankest thing on the planet kick said in the interview we all had plastic bags over our heads with mouth holes cut out and on the highway were giving us the finger

but that was just normal day-to-day stuff for us i just want you to picture first of all she didn't say there were eye holes cut in these bags oh so i just want you to picture first of all she didn't say there were eye holes cut in these bags oh I just want you to pick with just a mouth hole and just like I like dog tooth it's yeah it's literally like a Peter Greenaway movie like whale juice flowing into the car and just did Robert F Kennedy turning slowly to the six-year-old kick Kennedy and being like, Cover your face! I'm going to save the environment! He's like

Dark Al Gore. It's like that bit in 30 Rock where Al Gore comes up and he's like, somewhere a whale is in trouble. We can hang this on the house. We can have a whale skeleton in the living room. This will be the perfect head for my creature.

It's a conversation piece for when your grandma comes over. I hate him so fucking much. He's so cool. He's amazing. I love him. I would have voted for him. I hate him. My new plan is to write in Joe Biden because then they're going to be like

if Kamala loses, which I think she might. I think she's definitely. I'm keeping my money out she's losing yeah but she i think once she loses if there's a bunch of write-in votes for joe biden they'll be like we should have ran joe biden we made a huge mistake we should have ran joe biden you should have kept him in there but yeah she says um well like those are the only quotes on the whale thing. She opens that story

by saying, my dad's always been an environmentalist. And that's the story that she... Not to speak ill on women, but she's got to be so fucking dumb that he told her like, no, that was for the environment. And to this day,

she's an adult now and she still believes that. The EPA is going to study the whale juice. Don't drink it, Kick. I know it's really tasty. Just because daddy's drinking the whale juice doesn't mean you can't, Kick. God, I love that her name is Kick. I'm still not over that.

If that was my name, I would put anytime there's a name tag at a high school reunion, I'd write Kick me on my name I would put like anytime there's a name tag at a high school reunion I'd write kick me on my name tag wouldn't that be good that'd be amazing he gets it jock is laughing with us

jock's laughing with us I really can't put that away we can't address it at all and he won't know because he won't listen to this no one say anything to Jock about it being mentioned on this episode, please. Oh, also in kick news, she's dating Ben Affleck.

Period. So two big kick stories this week. Keep in mind, this Town & Country magazine article is from 2012. She's dating Ben Affleck. I don't know. I just find it a little curious

that this is leaking at the same time, or this is being brought up at the same time that it's leaking, that she's dating Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. You think it's Ben? You think it's Boston? I mean, they're all Boston. It's all Boston.

He's a notorious whale killer. Yeah, he's a notorious whaler. So they want, when you look up Ben Affleck and whale, they don't want it to be. Yeah, they don't want it to kick. Exactly. I didn't plain sight. Yeah.

Because Nantucket, that's where the whalers were from. Yeah. That's a whaling town. It must have taken so long to chainsaw whales. They're huge. Yeah. It must have taken like 15 years. It would have been no bad.

It would have smelled like even fresh out of the water i bet a whale would smell really bad and then who caught on the roof of the van you like go to a home depot and pick up a bunch of laborers because in my mind this is like a biblical sized whale this is like the whale that swallowed jonah yeah and it's like even if it's a small whale, it's still huge. Yeah. Don't they have bones? Do they have bones? First of all, where

do you cut? There's no neck. There's not even a neck. They stay from the neck up, but they like don't have necks. This whale had a neck. That's what he found. It was one of his escaped experiments and he's like, they can't find out it has a neck. He was trying to grow a new throat for himself so that he could talk

normal again. Oh my god, wow. Wow, that's what he's doing. That's why he has so many animals. He's trying to do a throat graft. Genetically, whales are the most similar animals to humans

in the throat region. They're 99% similar. 99% similar. I humans. Yeah, in the throat region. They're 99% similar. 99% similar. And do you know, I think he got, you know why he talks like that? It's because he was eating pussy. He was eating a really rough pussy. A really hot pussy. He burned his throat.

He burned his throat on the hottest pussy in the world. Who was the politician who recently called his wife, it's so fucking funny. I think it was Vivek Ramaswamy who was talking about his wife, and he was like, mother of three children, amazing cook, throat surgeon. Yeah. Okay.

Curious. I just so, I was trying to find the tweet. Kind of a flex on RFK Jr. It was a while ago, but it's such a we haven't talked about it on the show. It made me laugh so hard to praise your wife for being a throat surgeon. Because surely

there's a word for that. Like just the word throat is one of the funniest words in the English language. You should never hear it when talking about something like that. Yeah. No wonder he didn't say cat fuck that you can't read that shit also i'm sorry to everyone who actually listened to the club random vivek episode that i recommended what was about i re-listened to it and it's the most boring shit on the planet it's just so boring he

needs it he's only really funny with with women yeah i think or richard dawkins i mean we talked about it last time we talked about it last episode so i'll just say it really quickly but he when he has richard dawkins on the first thing he says to him is i can't wait to get you fucked up and he's pouring a vodka and lighting a joint and richard dawkins like no no thank you no thank you making a note to fire his man. He's going to have Caitlin on. I'm having a premonition. Oh, he's already had Chris on. Caitlin's got to go on. He's had Chris on.

Chris had those two together. When he had Chris on, she brought her own cameramen and lighting crew. Oh, well, of course. That's so good. Yeah. She's like, I'm not going into your murder basement alone. It's so obvious it's a basement. You can light a sound studio with no windows

to look like there's some natural light or something. But he doesn't. It's literally just his basement. It's so fucking funny. No, Caitlin, I cannot wait for Caitlin to go on. It's going to be incredible. It's going to be so amazing. She's literally going to insist that Bill e-hims her.

Yeah. She's going to do something so fucking funny. Call me a man now. I've smoked weed with the best of them. There's a shotgun under the table pointing right at your balls, sweetheart. You better be... You better call me a man right now.

I love her. If there was a nuclear bomb, would you call me a man? I love those. She's threatening. I think she has a nuclear device. would you call me a man? I love those. She's threatening. I think she has a nuclear device. It seems as if she has the power to end the world. Yeah. I could see her being a doomsday prepper.

Oh, totally. In a big way. Totally. Yeah. She's got her helicopters. Yeah. What do you think she's on? She's on Benzos.

Yeah. She seems like a Benzo. All those women are on Benzos. Yeah. But she seems to be like, she seems to hit those things hard yeah yeah she's like meredith marks yeah we're like jordan peterson i mean like it's like it's eaten part of her brain away yeah yeah definitely i mean jordan peterson is the worst he's like there was like uh he's the best actually he's the best i love that he's tweeting in like haikus now no there was like insane there was a post that was like it's like

someone's library card and it's like wow they put like the rainbow you could get a rainbow flag on your library card and he quote tweeted he was like no, no, no, no. My worst fear is... Make it stop. He literally tweeted, I think, he literally, I tweeted like, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. Like, he's so scared all the time. He's like, he's the fucking Omelas kid. Like, most abused child in the world.

Yes, literally. I love his daughter, Michaela. Her tea is so funny. Yeah. Have you seen her before? Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen her before? Yeah. No. She has like a...

She has like a kind of like golden retriever face. Like, and temperament as well. This woman looks like a dog. No, literally. Yeah, she does. She does. But she's like really pretty. She's like objectively pretty.

But just like, I don't know how to spell her fucking name. Michaela, but it's spelled in one... It's like objectively pretty. But just like, I don't know how to spell her fucking name. Michaela, but it's spelled in one. It's like, I hate names like that. It's one of those names that you could, it's like a neo-American suburban name that could be spelled 700 ways. Ugh, Michaela. How would Jordan Peterson spell Michaela?

I don't know if he knows how to spell. Anyways, her thing for so long, like so many of these people, was that she had an unnamed and untreatable autoimmune disorder. And she was just complaining about it on her podcast forever. And then, guess what?

She did the all-beef diet. And now she's fine. She cured it with the carnivore diet. She's into so much quack shit. I wonder if she is retarded. She's clearly living in the shadow of her father, of course.

He's living in her shadow. Because I guess she did send him to Serbia to that. To a literal gulag. That only fan streaming factory slash Benzo recovery. Serbia to that. To a gulag. To a literal gulag. That like only streams, only fan streaming factory slash Ben's Overcovering. Yeah, because she was dating Andrew Tate.

She was dating Andrew Tate. Really? Yeah, that's not even a joke. Holy shit. Isn't that crazy? What an amazing father. What an amazing father. What a nice young man you're dating. Yeah. So you think she's trying to supplant Jordan? I think she's just like, enjoys having him in the palm of her hand. Yeah. So you think she's trying to supplant Jordan? I think she's just like, enjoys having him in the palm of her hand.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wonder if the all beef diet did work for her. I kind of want to try it. Yeah. Not all beef,

but like carnivore. Yeah. Just to see. Cause your face just, you turn red. I would look so fucked up. Yeah. I'd look so bad.

I kind of want to try it. I'd look so bad. You'd turn into Bill Maher. I would definitely make me, yeah, much more insufferable, personally. But, I don't know. I think it would be cool.

People say it does a lot for you. I'm going to do an all veggie diet if you do all beef. Did you do all soy? All soy. Yeah. Just soy. Like a literal.

Edamame, tofu. Soy sauce, nothing else. I'm on the chinchilla diet Right now It is crazy Let me tell you I only eat animals

They make coats out of Okay yeah It's R.F.K. Well the trick is To switch pet codes Right before they get Suspicious Yes exactly

They're too cute Yeah They're too cute I couldn't Oh but they're so yummy They're so good They do look like They'd be kind of like

Tasty Buttery They'd be kind of like tasty. Buttery. I feel like they'll be delicious. Yeah. With some like carrots, like roasted carrots and parsnips and chinchilla. Heirloom carrots. You got the purple ones in there too. Quails are good.

Quails are a little, you know. Well, quails are birds. That's a little different. That's true. That is true. You got me there. Agree to disagree. You never get anything past you. Quails are birds. We have a special guest, actually, in the studio.

Really? We didn't want to say, but Masha and I brought our friend. Oh my god. Yeah? Who is it? She just got out of jail. She's a huge... Whoa.

It's a huge get for us. Okay, amazing. She's here to plug a new product. Okay. We have Elizabeth Holmes. Oh my god. Hi. Hello, Elizabeth. Hi. Thank to plug a new product. Okay. We have Elizabeth Holmes. Oh my God. Hello, Elizabeth. Hi.

Thank you so much for having me. Of course. I'm really excited to be here. Yeah. For everyone at home, Elizabeth Holmes just got carded in a Hannibal Lecter type gang. Was that a joke? No, it's very serious. Actually, it's not.

The jail doesn't require it. It's a back straightening. It's a back brace, basically. It's a health product. Yeah, it's just like headgear, you know, before braces or Invisalign. So I know it looks a little extreme, but I'm very comfortable. It looks good on you. What do you think about it, Masha?

I think... Your voice sounds so similar to Elizabeth oh that's so I've gotten up I think it's a trans thing yeah yeah it's a trend yeah Elizabeth is Elizabeth Trent are you trans yeah yeah that explains a lot of the stem and and lying yeah so this is actually this is a big concern for me because um you know people don't have enough information about their own bodies and about, you know, their own health care. You didn't know you were trans. I had no idea until when I got pregnant and I went to my gynecologist and she was like, you're going to have to deliver this baby from your penis.

And I was like, okay, that's a little confusing. Well, being trans is, it's complicated yes that's true that's very true that's so true how did the birthing process go for that you gave birth from your penis from my penis in a woman's jail yeah yeah so i gave i gave birth in a woman's jail um and in a woman's body. Okay, period. Yeah. Wow. Are you going to tell your son? Your they child, are you going to tell them that they were born through a penis? It's funny that you mention that.

I've been talking about this with my partner and we go back and forth because penised children do often have health problems that other kids don't. So we want to diagnose this kid before the doctors get to him.

Yeah, like if the penis smells really bad. If my penis smells really bad? No, the kids. Oh, yeah. You got a little defensive though. Yeah, sorry. It's a touchy subject. We use pH strips on our kids' spit every week so that we can gather data and just know

where he's at health-wise. Okay, you gather data. That's good. Any new products? Yeah. So actually, I'm really excited to be here because I'm developing a new line of antidepressants. Okay. You know, you hear about all these new things that

sound really promising like MDMA or ketamine therapy. But there's some problems with those. So the problem with ketamine therapy specifically is that ketamine targets the brain. Specifically, ketamine targets a part of the brain known

as the enduja uh it's this little slice next to the zatar and uh the zatar quadrant and the harissa medulla okay okay yeah and that part of the brain is not where depression is located depression is a blood disease okay yeah depression is a blood disease that's interesting yeah and this has been known for a long time you seem to have a fascination with blood an entirely new theory i i don't think that i mean i have a fascination with you know a lot of liquids i like wine i like a good scotch you know i can i can drink with the best of that green wine yeah i do i have an iv bag on me right now for the listeners at home and it is filled with some delicious pinot. Yes, that's good.

That's not a penis joke. I don't want my whole thing to be... You don't want to be known for more than just that. You don't want to get pigeonholed as the first one that time. That's the main thing you're known for right now. Yeah. Do you want to quickly talk about... About prison?

I don't think so. We don't have to go there. I don't think so. Okay, okay. We don't have to go there. I thought I saw an article that Jen Shah was... Yeah, that Jen Shah was your roommate, right? Jen Shah? From Salt Lake City. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Yeah, we were good friends.

We had a falling out, though. Yeah. I did hear that she's very sick. Did she try to convert you to Islam? Not exactly. So the thing about Jen is that she's really into art. And the thing about art is that it's actually a science. Yes.

And, you know, I don't like to consume a lot of art or a lot of media because the science just isn't there yet. Yeah. You know, there's not, if there were some data-based music that I could listen to, like, I would love to listen to that. I'm looking for database sculpture, would love to listen to that. I'm looking for database sculpture, you know, data-based quilts, data-based fiction. But I just don't see that out there. So I'm not ready to dive in. What would data-based fiction look like?

Would it just be statistics? I mean, that's a question for a writer. That's the question for a writer. A writing scientist. Exactly. A literary scientist. I'm not, you know, I went to Stanford. I double majored in herbology and the anthropology of torture. Okay.

Interesting. Yeah. And, you know, people always like to ask me, like, what's your favorite torture method? What are you interested in? And I say say kill them with kindness you know what i mean like the best revenge is someone is torturing them yes yeah the way i do it that's really great yeah um but so the antidepressant therapy yeah yeah did you know that um you know so depression is is a blood disease and and did you all know that 70% of the blood in your

body is produced in the stomach whoa okay yeah I mean that doesn't sound right it doesn't sound right but I am struggling to tell you you're right because I don't know where blood is produced yeah I think it's the other arrow I mean I believe it's a stomach so the thing about the i mean it's two versus one here i mean i've never it's something i've never thought of before and usually when i don't ever consider something i agree with the first person to give me an answer yeah that's true so sorry that is true and that's the scientific method yeah um yes yes yeah so so when we go after depression you know we want to treat the blood and we do that by going after the stomach, specifically the stomach lining. So that's why we've invented these anti-probiotics, you know, like reverse yogurt or penicillin.

Okay, you're losing me with antibiotics. Not exactly. Okay, not exactly. That's a common misconception there's all these misconceptions about mental health and we really want to challenge that we want to change the conversation we want to change the microbiome by eliminating it limit change the microbiome by eliminating it wow okay and what is that but that fixes the blood yeah so we want people to be clean uh the thing about depression is that it's primarily a disease of being dirty inside yeah so we we clean

you out that produces clean blood and uh you're no longer sad it's so it's someone's fault if they're depressed yeah yeah well i'm she's really winning me over, Hessa. I'm sorry to tell you that. Yeah, she's making a lot of sense. She's making a lot of sense. Thank you so much. We also, you know, we care about social causes. Okay, yeah.

I'm not allowed to call the company Theranos anymore. Yeah. So we've renamed it, you know. Why is that? Why aren't you allowed to call the company?

So Theranos was named after the Greek god of women. named after the Greek god of women. Okay, the Greek god of women. Theranos, but we masculinized it because, you know, there's a lot of misconceptions about women in business. Absolutely. We wanted to seem strong. But I have since converted to Christianity, so I don't feel comfortable using names from Greek mythology anymore. So now the company is called Jesus. Okay, so this is't feel comfortable using names from Greek mythology anymore. So now the company is

called Jesus. Okay, so this is a company called Jesus. Jesus Health. And this pill on the table, is that the medicine? So that's one of the treatments that we're looking at. It's huge. Yeah, so it's nanotechnology

made large. It's macro nanotechnology. Macro nanotechnology Made large It's macro nanotechnology I love that I feel like I need a fork and knife To eat this pill And you do There's a baby here next to it We do have, we offer some throat

Enlargement surgeries Before the pill, but you're also welcome To use a fork and knife Were whales part of that research at all? Can I keep the throat enlargement surgery if I want to? You can. It will cost you extra. It's a temporary enlargement.

I see. And if we want to, you have to dilate every day. Okay, interesting. Interesting. Okay, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I don't want the throat enlargement. Yeah. Did you study on whales? We were just talking about whales earlier. Yeah, so'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I don't want the throat enlargement. Yeah. Did you study on whales? We were just talking about whales earlier.

Yeah, so we did. We did study on a lot of whales. And my anthropology of torture training came in really handy in that respect. Yeah. You were so nice to the whales. Yeah. Yeah, I was really kind to them. And they hate that.

yeah yeah i was i was really kind to them and they hate that um so the thing about marine mammals is they are they are cold-blooded animals yeah and from what we know about the humors if you have hot blood you tend to be a much warmer more sanguine person and then cold blood or small head large neck those tend to be features associated with a cruel person. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. So, but this pill, specifically the nanotechnology pill. So, you know, back in the days of Me Too, you know, you'd always hear this rallying cry of this pussy grabs back.

Yes. Yeah. We wanted to put that in action so we've developed a pill that utilizes nanotechnology to build an anti-rape claw inside you okay interesting yeah this is and this is part of this this is just a separate thing this is part of the the macro nanotechnology. Yeah, so we have a lot of different divisions. Yeah.

A lot of different divisions. Interesting. That's really interesting. Wait. Hang on. I think, did you guys hear that? Oh, is there? I can get the door.

I can get the door. Okay. Okay. Oh my God. How's the Columbo's here? Oh, holy shit. Did you invite your Uncle Columbo last night? I didn't invite my Uncle. Columbo's my...

I told him he couldn't come over to my apartment. Hello, everyone. Hi, it's so nice to meet you, Columbo. Hello, Columbo. I'm Masha. Hi, Masha. You're a very beautiful gal. Thank you. Welcome back to my apartment, even though I told you you weren't welcome after what happened last time.

Well, I'm sorry about that. Okay, okay. You know, your friend, your roommate, he's a nice guy. I'm sorry about that. Okay, okay. It's his fault. Your roommate, he's a nice guy. I'm sorry I had to do that. He's scared of you. He's very scared of you now, and he almost moved out. Well, that's on me.

But I want to make a social call here, but I'm afraid I have some business to attend to. Oh, what's the... I'm afraid there's been a murder. Oh, the... I'm afraid there's been a murder. Oh, Jesus. I'm afraid there's been a murder. Miss Holmes, I see you're here. That's part of why I'm here.

Hi, I'm Elizabeth. I would shake your hand, but mine are tied down. Yeah, it makes me feel comfortable that you're in that rig. It makes me feel a little safe. It's for health purposes. Yeah, I'm perfectly safe. My's for health purposes. It's for health purposes. It's not because she's dangerous. Yeah, I'm perfectly safe.

My nephew has to be in one of those. Oh, really? Does he have scoliosis? He killed a bunch of people. He had a wasp factory type situation going on for people, for human bodies. But Jen Shaw is dead. Oh, my.

Jen Shaw has been murdered. Wow, that is that is really sad news. This is your friend in jail. Do you know any? Who maybe would have killed Jen? Did she die in jail? Ben, please let me.

I'm the detective. Ben, I'm the detective here. Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Col'm sorry. Ben, I'm the detective here. Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Columbo. I don't come in here. I don't want to interview you. Columbo, I'm sorry. You don't see me asking Kevin Leonardo what his butthole looks like or whatever it is.

You're right. You're right, Columbo. I'm sorry. Though I would like to ask that. Maybe you can ask him next time for me. Same question. Ms. Holmes, how are you you today i'm doing all right you know i've been really i've been working on my mental health um i've been working on comedy actually um oh interesting yeah the uh

the other day my nephew does comedy oh that's that's amazing yeah the other day i was hanging out with my friend bill uh i don't want to give any personal information away, so I'll just call him Bill M. Okay. Him and I were toking, and he said to me, Elizabeth, do you have a sense of humor? And I was like, yeah. It's 25% phlegm, 25% black yellow bile 25 blood and a hundred percent human jensha was choked to death by a rape claw that was built coming out of her own vagina

and i'm just wondering what if that has anything to do with anything you've got going on by a rape claw yeah some kind of rape prevention claw that was coming out of there you were just telling us about i don't think i don't out of there. You were just telling us about the rape claw technology. Were you telling her about that? That's funny that you were telling her about that. That is a coincidence. So what I said was a rape cloth.

And it might be my accent. You know, I'm from California. What accent is that, by the way? From California. Masha, are you from Californiaia because your voice is very similar i actually i was born in california i grew up in connecticut though so okay yeah so yeah that's it that's a that is interesting you're so right that's a that's a really good point that you had there thank you for saying that now it's a rape it's a rape cloth yeah can you explain what that thing also i Ms. Holmes. So it's a rape cloth. It's a rape cloth.

Yeah. Can you explain what that is? Also, I would say maybe you should change the name of it because it doesn't sound very safe or fun to do. Sounds like something you'd soak in ether and then use on someone. Like a tool of rape. Sounds like a tool. That's a good point, Ben.

That's exactly what I was thinking. You're welcome, Columbo. We're all about harm reduction. And so the way that this rape cloth works That's a good point, Ben. That's exactly what I was thinking. Welcome, Columbo. Yeah. We're all about harm reduction. Okay. And so the way that this rape cloth works is that it provides some dignity to victims of rape. Rapists can buy them, put them over their victims' faces, and then they don't have to see what's happening to them. And that is a very effective treatment for PTSD. The prison was rough for you, wasn't it?

Yeah, I had a really bad time. It was't it? Yeah, I had a really bad time. A really dark experience. A really bad time. A lot of bone broth. It was very rough in there. I went there the other day to look at the body and just, it's a mess over there. I'm really sorry to hear that. The walls, all this stuff all over the walls.

I don't know what it was. Was there writing on the walls? There was writing. There were some things written there. There were some things. Jen wrote some things that I don't know if I could disclose, but she wrote a few things on the wall that

are in fact pertinent to this investigation. She wrote, ow, ow, ow. The pill that I ate with a fork and knife was really yucky and it's making me sick in my tummy. Do you know, is this pill that has a fork and a knife

and a bib next to it, she had a bib on also? So, I think I think maybe she was talking, um, you know, pill can mean so many different things. It can be, you know, for medical purposes, it can also be, you know, you call like pieces of lint

that you roll in your hand. You call those pills. You're on to like, she's such a pill. Yeah, she's, oh, that old pill. That old pill. That's true. I would never say that about one of my aunts, though. They're very beautiful ladies.

Do you mind if I smoke a disgusting 25 cent cigar in here, Ben? Part of the reason why you couldn't come over, Columbo, you're always smoking cigars in here. Can I have some? This is Masha. Can I have some of that? I always say that before I start a sentence. This is Masha. Masha, classic me.

You can smoke your big cigar in here. Okay, beautiful. Thank you. It's for Masha, not Columbo. You know what you did. Well well that's i'm sorry about that it's okay you know it's it's clean in here now i will say it's a lot cleaner in here than it was before it's always been pretty clean yeah yes i see you've got no no i didn't know there's no not allowed other co-host Jock is not here right now, Columbo. Okay.

In any form. I like that lady. She's very nice and she's very beautiful. She looks like my wife. Jock? Yeah. Okay. What's your wife's name, Columbo?

My wife's name, she's Mrs. Columbo to me, you know. She's a beautiful lady, the old ball and chain, but I love her so much. And she's actually here. She's sitting in this chair right next to us. She's a beautiful lady, the old ball and shame, but I love her so much. She's actually here. She's sitting in this chair right next to us. Oh, wow. Do you want to say anything, Mrs. Columbo?

She's very shy. She's very shy. She's very shy. She's also invisible. But she's here. It's like there's a piece of smoking gun evidence on the table. Not to comment on the investigation, but it seems like... Yeah, we should bring it back to this murder. I forgot about the murder. It seems like

Genshaw died from a giant pill. Genshaw died from a giant pill. I don't want to... A lot of crazy things happened to her body. It was very wacky, but it was very disgusting. Was her throat intact? Her throat was huge. I've never seen a bigger throat. Elizabeth, I think... Yeah. Was her throat intact? Her throat was huge. I've never seen a bigger throat.

Elizabeth, I think, yeah. It looked almost whale-like. Okay. I'm sorry. This is just too many coincidences. Have you ever seen a whale throat? So what I'm so excited about with this story is that it's not true. And what I love about...

Interesting. I hadn't considered that yeah what i love about you're saying my eyes could have deceived me yeah and also like uh you know what i love about prison is that any anyone could kill anyone in there and uh you know there's no way of proving very that that pill was made by jesus health see there is i'm looking at the inmate list here there's two names on it it's just you and Jen Shah. The only two prisoners at this prison. Elizabeth, this is not looking good for you, honey.

Yeah, so the thing about that prison is it was... I'm just trying to clarify. You're saying you didn't do it. That I didn't do what? The murder. That you didn't do the murder. Kill Jen Shah and enlarge her throat and feed her a giant pill.

So this... So, you know, the thing about that is that you know we just we don't have the data back yet for me to know with confidence that to say that you know i did or didn't do that interesting interesting and i uh i have really bad uh adhd so sometimes you know when i get going in the morning when i have my coffee it's like i i don't even remember the first three or you know seven or whatever hours of that i have time blindness you see my which means i go blind for about three to four hours of the day whoa you can't see anything yeah so i can't see what i'm doing. Do you lose memory? Yes. You black out for a good portion of the day.

Yeah. That's interesting. That's interesting. I'm writing that down in my little notebook here. I don't know if you can see that I have a little notebook. Moleskine. That's a really nice notebook. It's gorgeous.

It's a very nice notebook. I love Moleskine. It is one of the most delicious meals that I've ever had. See, I got this for myself. It was my birthday, and my wife got me a nice new tie. But, you know, I like my old ties. I'm a man. I like to use the old ways.

I like to... Man, I get set in my ways. You're checking your phone? Sorry, I'm looking up... You don't like my story? I take selfies. You don't like my story? Sorry, I'm looking up. You don't like my story? You don't like my story? Sorry, I'll put my phone down.

Anyways, as I was saying, I got to set in my ways and I like to use. My wife got me a tie for my birthday and I really like, I like my old tie. I don't like the new one. It's too shiny.

You know what I mean? It's too, it's too. It's looking a little flamboyant. Yeah, I wore it today to make her happy. But, you know, because I do... I do like to make her happy. You know, there was that episode where... Seems like a hard woman to please.

Where I had to wear a new jacket the whole episode. It was a little too small. Yeah. You remember that? I don't. But it sounds very troubling for you. It was a good episode. There was a part in that episode where I got a...

They had to give my... They had to give the coat to the coat check. know and i i kept trying to leave the places you know but i kept getting kept circling back to me but then at the very end you got it back at the very end they well no i go back to my i go back i went back to the old but anyways back to this story she got me a woman is dad colombo she Well, let me finish my story, please. Sorry. Sorry. So, you know, I got... My nephew's got me some fun stuff.

One of them got me a fidget spinner. He's sweet. He's not so bright. He's one of the least... Is that the one in the Hannibal Lecter? No, he's very bright. He's too bright for most of our safeties. I see.

Which is why you gotta be locked in there. You kind of have the whole spectrum in the... I have a lot of nephews. I have about 65 nephews. Oh, you're lucky. That is amazing. It's beautiful. It's a gift every day. I have just the two, and I love them. And this is Masha that I'm talking to.

Yes, yeah, this is Masha. Tell me about these nephews. Where were they? Where were these nephews yesterday? Yesterday? They were visiting my sister-in-law in in prison okay interesting interesting i'm writing that down in my notebook it's a moleskin i got this moleskin for myself as a little birthday present for myself that's what i was saying that's the story i was gonna tell us that i got it's amazing not to be confused with Volskin. And I have made this mistake a bunch of times.

I got a Volskin notebook last Christmas for the nephews. Tom and Bom. That's an interesting name for a nephew. Twin names often rhyme and sound like they were made up on the spot sometimes. That's the Hungarian in me. Oh,'s the hungarian in me sure so that's oh god don't get me started on that um because i'll go crazy um but yeah so i i wanted to get them a notebook so that they could they love to draw they love to plan make schematics um if you could not try to get it go out the window inside the little rig that would be great I still have some things to ask you

so what I'm doing is I'm getting some air and you know I'm on my period right now I call it my my peneid because it comes out of my penis it sounds like you just made that up that's what I've always called that

and you can look that up I'm getting a hot flash you've always And you can look that up. I'm getting a hot flash. Peenied. I might use that. I've said that in many interviews. I'm always... That's my catchphrase. I'm on my peenied. Don't ask me for anything today.

I'm on the rag. The rape rag. The rape cloth. Yeah, so I'm getting a hot flush and I need some air so that's why I'm opening the window and putting my body outside okay beautiful well don't go too far out there we don't want you to get out the window

that could be you could get away from me I'm trying to ask you questions about this murder it kind of seems like she did it sorry to throw you out of the bus do you mind if I have a private conversation with Ben It never... It kind of seems like she did it. I mean, sorry to throw you out of the bus, Elizabeth. Hang on. Do you mind... Do you guys mind if I have a private conversation

with Ben, Masha, and Hessa? I'm a little afraid of the couple might yell at me. Elizabeth, we're just going to talk real quick. Yeah, totally. Ben, you need to shut the fuck up. I'm sorry, Glenn. Ben, I'm the detective here. You're not doing a very good job.

You little fucking faggot. You're talking about your fucking notebook? And your pill of a wipe? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She clearly did it. We're in the a very good job. You're talking about your fucking notebook and your pill of a wife? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You clearly did it. We're in the presence of a murderer. I took an Adderall earlier. Clearly.

He's not helping you. You need to fucking focus. He's not helping? Okay. Maybe you're right. He's just Columbo. Maybe you're right. She murdered...

She shoved a giant pill down Jen Shah's throat and killed her. She did what? I think so. Oh my god. Okay. Let me handle this. I think so. Not to do your job for you, Columbo. Don't. Just say. Just don't. I think so. Oh my god. Okay, let me handle this. I think so. Not to do your job for you, Columbo. Don't.

Just don't. I don't want to repeat what happened last time. We gotta take it slow and steady. I'll calm down. I'll calm down. Hey, Elizabeth. Sorry about that. Hey, we were peeing together in the bathroom. I'm sorry, but I think you might have done this murder. As in murdered

this outfit, Kenny? You are fully naked inside the rig. Yeah. In my birthday suit, as they would say. But with a turtleneck neck. Not to be confused with a business. Yeah, so I do have a surgically implanted turtleneck. Okay.

So it's flesh, but it's always there to cover up my... It looks great. It looks really weird. I don't know my... It looks great. It looks really weird. I don't know what you're talking about. It looks really terrible. And if I turn to the back, you'll see another sort of turtle homage. Good God. You have a shell.

Yeah, so I have a shell. That's horrific. And you will also see this hair here. And you will also see this hair here. There's about 20 to 30 pieces of human scalp that I've sewn to the shell. And those are my victims. So those are the many people that I've murdered. Okay, I'm seeing a long duck.

Very beautiful, thick duck. Yeah. Almost a Jen Shaw-like scalp there. Who do you think that could be? I think it might Almost Jen Shaw-like skeleton. Yeah, who do you think that could be? I think it might be Jen Shaw. Oh, you think that, do you? Miss Holmes, I'm afraid you're under arrest for the murder of Jen Shaw.

I'm afraid that you're gonna have to be taken to jail, and we're gonna take you just right back to the same jail. Not really much else is gonna happen. The status quo is gonna pretty much remain the same, but you are going to be going to jail for the murder of Jen Shaw. Oh my god. Is that okay with you?

Yeah. I can't believe you could kill Jen Shaw. She's a fucking queen. Another fucking case solved by the rock star. By the coolest cop in the world. You did a really good job, Columbo. Wow. Elizabeth, any last words before you go to jail? Forever, hopefully.

And hopefully they don't lock you up next to any other queens. I'm really excited for this new project. We're going to be revolutionizing the prison system by breaking out of it. Speaking of which, I'm kind of hungry. Mind if I have a bite of this pill? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, take a bite. Columbo, don't of it. Speaking of which, I'm kind of hungry. Mind if I have a bite of this pill? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Columbo, no. Yeah, take a bite.

Columbo, don't do it. Let me tie my bib on. Let me just go. It's too big. Take a big bite. No, Columbo. Oh, jeez. This is Masha.

Oh, that's tasty. Masha, can you believe Columbo ate that shot? I feel like that was a bad idea. Clearly what killed Jen Shaw is that the pill was too big. Elizabeth is cackling and sort of twiddling her fingers villainously. She's being wheeled out on a dolly

like a pack of sodas. I think I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back. He's definitely going to die. And I'm not going to save him. It's his fault. Columbo has to return later, I think he might not die he's gonna come back on later maybe he's getting some water to help him swallow the pill yeah i'm just gonna be

i'll be right back okay all right bye colombo bye bye everyone i'm gonna go home what the hell why did why is he leaving i don't know. Wow. I don't know. He might die. Do you think he even has a job anymore at the police department? I think he's clearly... I would hope he's been fired from whatever detective agency or police department he's working for.

He's terrible at his job. I think he's great. I think he's really good at his job. I love that story. His wife is still here, so I feel like we shouldn't talk about him while his wife is right here. I think she's kind of mute.

I think he just has an imaginary wife. I think she's sitting in silence. I think she's waiting for her moment. Well, Elizabeth, do you have any closing thoughts? I think I know what they might be. I think I know what you might

say. What do you think I'm going to say? I think think you're probably gonna say that you're really excited about this new project yeah i mean of course yeah so i'm really i'm so i'm really i'm looking forward to everything that we can do to transform uh a carceral justice to make it safer for, for me, for inventors. Absolutely. Yeah. Well,

we want to invent pills that are too big and kill people. Yeah. So we want to make exemptions for, you know, inventors, innovators, um, thinkers,

murderers, um, well, dealers, killers, people who feel feelings, people who feel, uh,

can you relate to that? Do you feel feelings? So the, can you relate to that do you feel feelings so the the interesting thing about that is that i don't um okay but i do i have a lot of thoughts not so many feelings okay interesting but i have i have a lot of ideas and i'm really excited to can you just list before you leave can we just list off some of your ideas? Just off the top of the dome? Yeah. A blood-based soup or stew. Okay.

Okay, I would consume that. Yeah, I would try it. Seems nutrient-rich. You do it with a broth, called a blood broth. I think that would be better. That would be good for marketing. Blood soup is a little... I bet that would work on carnivore, too.

Yeah, blood broth. Blood broth uh instant bottom surgery that's really interesting yeah would that also be in a pill form yes no okay it's loves a big fucking pills are dangerous dynamite sticks disguised as cigarettes okay painted to look like they like the landscape keeps going but then you run into it and it's a wall okay um pies with springs inside them that when you try to eat the pie a stick of dynamite flies at you okay a lot of these seem like looney tunes style no so the thing about so if if they are in looney tunes those that is my intellectual property, and that's that'll be a legal issue. Okay. I'd love to buy all those products.

Yeah, me too, honestly. Those sound like you would get really into those. I'd get a lot of miles off of those. Yeah, you'd get Ben Loves Pranks, Elizabeth. So these are not actually, so the exciting things about these are not pranks. These are health products. These are all health products. Okay.

Well, thank you so much for having me and my reign is imminent. That's a very mysterious thing to end up on. She's really creepy. What a woman. She's interesting. She lost me at the end of it. She's really cool. I like her. It's crazy that she has a turtle blood

coming from the stomach and you know I was kind of down for that. You liked all the quack health. I loved the quack health stuff. But then she killed, you know, who knows how many people for her weird shell. At least Jen Shah. I can't believe it.

R.I.P. Jen Shah. That's one woman too much. Yeah, the shell part I found really confusing. Very confusing and really disturbing. Who thinks of something like that? What kind of mind would think of something like that? It's really weird. That's crazy.

She is something else. She belongs in that fucking cell. What a character. I am glad she's in jail. Are there any other queens in jail? How is she here? How is she here talking to us if she's in jail? Elizabeth?

Do you think they just let her out? They let her out for an enrichment release. Enrichment activity. I don't think that thing was a back race. It was a conjugal visit. She fucked Columbo. Yeah. Yes. They are both still in the bathroom right now.

They are both still in the bathroom. Yeah. Interesting that they let her go into the bathroom. Where he is. Yeah. Trying to get that big pill out of his mouth. Yeah.

Oh, geez. Well, thanks. Thank you for coming on, Mush. I'm sorry you were upstaged mouth. Yeah. Oh, jeez. Well, thank you for coming on, Mush. I'm sorry you were upstaged a little bit. Oh, that's fine. I had a great time. Yeah, it's fun to meet your heroes. Yeah, absolutely. I'm talking about Columbo and Elizabeth Holmes.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, Columbo's my uncle, so he's not really... He's a hero to me. He's such a loser. He's not much of a... He's a hero to me. He's such a loser. No, he's so cool. He's so cool. Thank you, listeners, for listening. Thanks, guys. Thank you.