Segments - 10: Grandma

Episode Date: July 8, 2013

In this episode we discuss retroactively cheating on your wife, secretly moving out on your grandmother, and why apologies are actually the best way to start a relationship. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay, let's hear it Oh nine one three six six two. Yeah, you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys What no no no no cool stylish affordable clothes for dudes That's right If you go to Frank and oakcom slash if i were you and input

your little code which is if i were you 10 you can get 10 off all their awesome clothes anything to add i was just thinking of a rhyme here it is if you don't use frank and oak you're a crank and a joke so yeah you could have just said no you don don't have anything to add. I thought of that since the last podcast. It's been a week. Oh, one more thing. Just to prove that we like Frank and Oak so much, I actually found an old video where I'm wearing a Frank and Oak shirt so you can sort of see what it looks like on me,

and it's butt chugging. Aren't our sponsors thrilled? If you want to see us in Frank and Oak's stylish new clothes, Google butt chugging. So if you want new clothes and to support the show at the same time go to franken oak.com slash if i were you and use our coupon code if i were you then then the number 10 to get 10 off all men's clothes enjoy the show Yeah, see, if I were you, sure, with Jake and Amir, I'd have a laugh and maybe shed a tear. If I were you, if I were you, starts now.

Woo! Oh, don't laugh like that. Sorry. I hate it. Oh, God. You just started with so much negative energy. Sorry, I just hate it when you're happy. That laugh was definitely on purpose like that, right?

Yeah, it was meant to be annoying. I swear, obviously. Great. Yeah, I feel bad if that was your genuine laugh. This is If I Were You Show. No, wait. This is If I Were You, right? The show.

Yeah. This is If I Were You. Okay, okay. So this is what it is. It's called If I Were You Show. No, wait. This is If I Were You. The show. Yeah. This is If I Were You. Okay, okay. So this is what it is. It's called If I Were You, but it is a show. It's a podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir.

And I'm Jake. And if you're new to this podcast, welcome. It's going to be, trust me, you made it this far. The ride of your life. Are you ready? Strap in. Strap in, trust me, you made it this far. The ride of your life. Are you ready? Strap in. Strap in, strap on, strap around. Strap in, you're strap on.

We're going to strap it out. What? The name of the game is we accept, read, receive emails from people who are in difficult situations. They're in need of advice. And they're so desperate that they come to us, even though we rarely know what to do, and we offer up what our insight is about their difficult situations.

That's exactly it. I couldn't have said it better myself. Just kidding. Here's my attempt. All right, ready? Three, 2, 1 Welcome to Varyu, the only advice podcast on the internet I'm nervous, shut up

Hosted by us, I'm your host Amir And, oh shit, shit, how did you do that? How did you do that? The email that we get Our email address that people send their emails to Is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We get so many awesome, awesome submissions from all over the place. Australia, America.

That's it. And those two places. So alphabetically speaking, very limited. A lot from England. Right. A lot of vowel countries. Norway, Peru. And we read every single one and we decide which ones would

yield the funniest answers. And we've narrowed it down this week to five. I like what you're doing here. You want to give the guy who made the song no credit, right? Oh, right. I like that. No, no, no. I'm with you, dude.

Screw him, right? How dare you? You passive aggressive ass. I'm sorry. I started this podcast off so... It came right out of the gate, just being really, really aggressive. Let's never mention it. I mean, that's clearly why you didn't make a mistake, did you?

You're just an ass. The intro song. We start every single episode with a new intro song, and that's thanks to you guys. It's funny how far we've come from the first intro song, which was single episode with a new intro song and that's thanks to you guys it's funny how far we've come from my from the first intro song which was just me on a guitar right and it's like it's crazy how shitty that one sounds in my mind when i hear like these amazing ones we've been getting yeah it's funny that one sounded shitty to me right away but it didn't sound shitty to you until we heard the other ones uh the one from today's episode all right now you're giving it back to me i like it it's give and take finally took a swing i can't wait i guess that's what it takes

for this coward i can't wait till we get into an actual fight one day that'll be the first video podcast the one that we use today is from tj willink tj willink and his i guess group or album is called subtle symphony so thanks so much for submitting it if you want to submit your theme song that email once again is if I were you show at gmail.com and remember you can listen to this show by signing up on iTunes or you can go to if I were you show.com or seize the cheese.com there we go seize cheese. Why don't we seize the cheese and start the show? All right. Season this cheese. This first email is from Peg.

That's right. Peg. Peg. Fake name, real email, real problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and I kind of moved in with him. And by kind of, I mean I haven't told my grandma that I used to live with that I moved out. So technically, I still live with her. I've been slowly moving my clothes and things over to his place,

and every once in a while I'll stay the night with her. She's old and very old-fashioned. I'm afraid what she'll think if I tell her I moved in with him. What should I do? How should I tell her? Wow, you've moved out without even letting your grandmother know. Yeah, she's so old. Doesn't she need you there? If she's so old, she doesn't even realize that the person she lived with moved out.

I feel like she might not be okay on her own. It also is funny to gradually move out so slowly that you try to make it unknown. Moving is a very large, showy process. So you've got to make it really soft and small a very large, showy process. So you got to make it really soft and small and spread it out over a very long time to hope that your roommate doesn't realize it. Such a potentially terrible thing to be doing with your grandmother. Like you're walking out with a chair. Like, where are you going? Like, what are you talking about, grandma? Are you losing your mind? I don't think so. Are you holding a chair? I think you've got dementia, Grandma. I'm not holding a chair.

Where have you been the last few weeks? I never left. I was watching TV with you last night, Grandma. You're losing it. What did we watch? Grandma's just crying a little bit. Was it Matlock? She's playing along like, oh yes, of course. I remember we watched TV.

Then she goes and sits in her room and just sits quietly and thinks about where her mind is going. She goes to sit down, but the chair is gone and falls on the floor. You dick. Don't move in with your boyfriend. Your grandma needs you. Well, this is a sticky situation because she's already sort of already moving out. How should she tell her grandma? It's tough because all her stuff is just gradually leaving.

Yeah, I think you, well, you got to tell her the truth. You got to just be like, I'm moving out. And if she's not okay with it, don't worry because she's not long for this world. Grandma, if you're really upset, don't worry. You'll only be upset for a few more years. Okay? Not a lot of time left. The grandma turns around and she tries to hit her with the chair.

It just knocks her to the ground but doesn't knock her out. Oh, no. What was that for? My grandma, she's so strong. Holy shit. Yeah. I mean, grandmas and grandparents are always going to be old-fashioned. You can't really be afraid of it.

You just have to embrace it. I just can't wait until we're the old-fashioned ones. What are our grandchildren going to be doing that they're going to think that my liberal ass is super conservative? I guess doing drugs at age 13 in the basement of my building? Maybe that's it. Maybe there's no more conservative old people after when our generation grows up. That's very small-minded of you to say. Well, or maybe.

I mean, like, we live in, we're like a minority right now. Like, our liberal asses, as you say. Like, there's plenty of, like, conservative people in their 20s that are going to be conservative old people. Right. So who knows? And there are also plenty of, like, you know, really open-minded old people that would be like, yeah, move in with your boyfriend. That sounds great.

I'm happy for you too. Me and your grandfather used to move in with each other all the time. We would go to swing parties when we were your age. Sit down. I'll tell you about it. No, Grandma. This is why I'm moving out. You tell me about swing parties way too much.

No, I tell you about them not enough. Strap on your strap on so our advice is to bite the bullet and tell your grandma worst thing worst worst what's the worst case scenario yeah just so you know your grandma's lived through a lot of crazy shit happening you moving in with your boyfriend probably won't blow her mind or anything. Yeah. I mean, I saw Hitler kill many, many people. Trust me, I don't give a shit about you or your boyfriend. Or, you know, if that's not working, just point that out to your grandma. Like, hey, you know, in the grand scheme of things, you saw Hitler try to take over the world, and I'm just trying to move in with Craig.

Yeah, but he failed, and you'll succeed. God, you're quick, Grandma. We're going to put you in a home, okay? Wait a minute. That's not my grandma. Oh, that's a good option. You don't have to move away. Just send your grandma to a home.

Oh. Now we're shitty people. Or you move in with your boyfriend to the home with your grandpa. And that is a brand new show coming to CBS this fall. Everybody check it out. My grandma and me. 8.30 Sunday nights. Cool.

Moving on. Next question. This one is from Al. Okay. Fake name. Fake name. Real problem. Don't worry.

We will preserve your anonymity. We're going to make up names to your actual emails. This one's from Al and he writes, My girlfriend and I have spent the last two weeks breaking up in a lot of convoluted ways, and I guess you can say we finally killed it this past weekend. She's very promiscuous and has an effect on every guy she meets, so sadly, I anticipate her moving on pretty quickly. We're probably getting back together next year. Should I try to meet other girls too, even though the sole purpose is to be even with her if and when we get back together? Or is that moving on for the wrong reasons?

I don't even know where to begin. This email is just wrong, wrong, wrong, and then it gets worse. It's such a goddamn cry for help. Wow, no. Jesus, Al. Al, you're doing everything for the wrong reasons. If in the back of your mind you feel like you're going to get back together with the promiscuous girl that took you two weeks to break up with in a year, I guess my advice is don't.

Yeah, what's the point of we finally killed it? You didn't kill it this weekend if you plan on getting back together. That's not death. That's a coma. You've knocked it out for a little while. I mean, yeah, pump the brakes on your getting back together in a year plan, especially if you're worried that she's just going to be with a ton of other dudes in the meantime. Yeah, he's so blasé about it too

she's very promiscuous and has the you know effect on every guy she meets i guess she had the effect on him she's probably cheating on me as we speak anyway when we get back together what spell did she cast on you when we get back together uh should i hook up with people now just so we're at an even even playing field when we do get back together? I guess my advice would be, yeah, do hook up with other people, even if you think right now it's to even the playing field. And maybe, just maybe, you're going to meet somebody that's actually kind of cool that you like and is not going to be promiscuous and take two weeks to break up with and have some kind of crazy rocky relationship that you seem to currently have. Yeah. I mean, the best part of breaking up is the fact that it's over.

You don't want to break up with someone for two weeks, go through very messy ups and downs, and then plan on getting back together with her. That's the hard part. Get off this roller coaster. So would you say that is that moving on for the wrong reasons? Yeah, I'd say that's moving on for the wrong reasons i it's the opposite of the right reason right but it's it's it's no reason you seem to have no reason at all you have no reasoning skills why don't i mean what was that quote from swingers it

was like uh oh i'm a brown i'm a bunny and you're the bear And she wants to like Or always double down on 11 No, not that one Oh, Glenn Livet, Glenn Fetish Any Glenn, really Alright, forget it Who's your booking agent? Yeah Or do you have West Coast representation?

Wow, you watched this movie really recently What quote are you thinking about? That one that's like the very beginning It's like, oh yeah, you just act like you move on And then Ron Livingston is like Yeah, well that's the trick You know, like you act like you've moved on and then like till she comes back but then when she finally does come back you know you've moved on for real or they oh they know not to come back till you've really moved on oh so like you have to pretend like you don't care

until that actually becomes the reality yeah exactly which sort of mirrors another line from swingers which is act like you don't want this shit, and they give you this shit for free. That's really interesting. Wait a minute. I think I'm on crack. I'm sorry. Can we pause this for a second? You're on crack?

You're telling this guy he's making bad decisions while you're on crack. Oh, no. I meant I'm uncracking something. Oh, sorry. I thought you said I'm on crack. No, no, no. The thing I'm uncracking is a bottle of, I don't even know how crack works, a rock of crack. A vial of crack?

Crack rock? Do people still do, is crack still a thing? I think so. You smoke crack, totally. Can you? Can I? You bet your ass I can. I can hold my crack better than anybody. He just doesn't hold his crack well.

Oh, that dude's such an idiot when he's on crack. You know how sometimes there's people who are there on crack and they're like, a good time? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he's like an annoying crack. I'm like an angry crack addict. It's not fun. Some people will be on crack and they're dancing and they're meeting new people. But when I'm on crack, I pass out and I fall asleep.

Yeah, like my teeth fall out and shit. I'm not a good crack. I lose my job and I hurt people. That's my shit when I'm on crack. That's my crack reaction. What's your anti-crack? So our advice to Al is move on. Moving on, the thing that you're trying to do, moving on, is good.

Whatever reason you have for moving on, do it. And then I think the right reasons will just sort of like seep into your mind. That's right. You'll be like, as soon as like, because you're right in the middle of getting out of the relationship. So it kind of makes sense that you're like, now we'll probably get back together, which I think a lot of people say when they're getting out of a relationship. Yeah, it's like a way to mentally soften the blow. Yeah, but as you actually move on and you're with other people and you're probably feeling a lot better, you're just really going to move on for real.

That's true. All right. Moving right along. Chugging. Chugging along. This one's a pretty detailed question, but I really like it. It's from somebody we'll call bud bud that's right he writes a few years ago a friend of mine called me up and invited my girlfriend and i out for

drinks to meet his new girlfriend as it turns out his new girlfriend ended up being a girl i had hooked up with several years before at a party we had a pretty wild night and she was really into me, but I wasn't really feeling it, so I peaced out. Just totally bounced and never spoke to her again. A dick move, I agree, but that's also what I was thinking with. Anyway, my girlfriend and her hit it off and as time passed, they became close. A few years later, my girlfriend and I got married and so did they. We never spoke about it at all until last weekend. We were at a party when my friend's wife got so drunk she confronted me about it after all these years, in front of her husband and my wife. My friend now wants to kill me because I banged his wife back in 2002,

way before he or my wife were ever in the picture, and my wife feels betrayed that I slept with her now best friend and won't talk to me. Am I truly the asshole everyone's painting me out to be, or am I a victim of circumstance and coincidence? Everyone is mad at me and not the girl. Can I salvage my friendship with my old friend and regain the trust of my wife, who I never cheated on? I was 21 at the time. Doesn't everyone do stupid shit at 21 am i screwed any advice or help would be greatly appreciated and needed love bud wow i uh have no advice you are screwed that's amazing yeah it's like a pretty awesome it's almost like a cool movie like you

retroactively cheated on your wife with your best friend's girl right you are he's such a victim of circumstance that's so tough you should i mean you fucked up when you didn't address it right in the beginning right but i but i can see him being like uh it's a it's a one one like it's it was a one night stand i maybe we won't hang out with these this couple again why even bring it up yeah and then things start to get serious you're like oh god now it's becoming too big that i don't want to bring it up and then things start to get serious and you're like oh god now it's becoming too big that I don't want to bring it up and then like three years later years later it's too big to even bring up god I love my favorite line is uh my friend's mad at me because I banged his wife back in 2002 that's the title of his memoir banged his wife oh my god you can't say banged and wife in the same sentence. It's not, I banged my friend's wife. Oh, it's so crass. It's so rude. Foul.

Wife is lovely and bang is the opposite of that. Yeah. Wife is like, you know, it's longevity. It's family. It's faith. It's history. It's the strong roots of a tree. And banged is like, it's it's the like strong roots of a tree and you had banged is like it's destructive and mean and and quick and meaningless oh my god now you're mad at bud i am mad at but i'm i'm it's my wife that he banged it is funny that people are not mad at the girl like in theory she is isn't she on the same level as this guy like why is, why is it worse for what this guy did? Because he also wronged her.

Like, he banged her and then peaced. As he said, he bounced, which is... He did a bang and bounce. You can't B&B, dude. You bang and bounce. No, yeah, because it's sort of like she can be mad at him for that. Like, she's owed an apology for the way he did that. You have nobody in this situation. You've wronged them all. It's weird to be the guy that has to comfort his wife because some

other dude banged her and never called her like, Hey, no, you're, you're great. Um, I mean, I banged you and I wanted to keep doing it and I. And I'm sorry that he, I don't know. I wish that didn't happen. But whenever you're with someone, unless you start a relationship very early on in life, there's going to be stuff, bad stuff that happened in the history. There's going to be times where somebody was banged and bounced upon or a bad relationship.

And it's, you know, it started before your relationship, so you sort of can't affect it. Yeah, I think, I mean, that's, it started before your relationship. So you sort of can't affect it. Yeah, I think, I mean, that's something that everybody has to deal with at this point. Like if you're, you're meeting and getting married in your like late twenties, early thirties these days. So like, you just, just know that like any, anybody you commit to has been defiled by somebody else or has defiled someone else themselves. It's just like some terrible, disgusting, depraved act has happened in their past. But I think the problem here is that it's like this guy is confronted with that directly. I don't want to think about somebody, like my future girlfriend or wife,

like sure, she's fucked a lot of dudes or a couple dudes, whatever. Or wait, actually, she's fucked a lot of dudes or a couple dudes whatever uh or you know wait actually she's a she's a virgin if i'm as long as i can make this up on the spot right now yeah she's a virgin wow that's great news uh but i mean you just kind of like you don't you try not to think about it but like if if you have to, if you're like, this definitely happened, it's... Oh, my God, you're crying. Yeah, I just feel so bad for Bud and his whole friend group. So there's basically nothing he can do. Your wife's best friend, too.

All he can do is apologize. Yeah, and just keep on apologizing. She can't possibly be mad at you forever. This seems like a thing that will go away yeah i guess that's true i mean like because i think it's the kind of thing that you're just like you know your gut reaction is anger because it's like you find something out that you didn't want to find out but as everybody in this situation is going to like think about it like well they were 21 they were young it's in the past like we're these we're new people now we're adults we're

mature uh we can forgive bud i guess the one thing he did wrong was not bring it up like she's she's maybe she's like she's mad about the fact that uh he uh that bud banged her best friend now i'm saying banged yeah that bud slept with her best friend but the way she's saying it is like i can't believe you didn't tell me yes that's true's true. Everybody's just, everyone's just hurt by your dishonesty. But you know what? This is actually good because I think, this is a theory that I have, even aside from this question, like no one's better than when they're apologizing. All you need is a chance to say, like, make a great apology. Say, you know

what? I can't apologize for having sex with your wife. Like I was 21. We were drunk. It just happened. But what I can't apologize for is like betraying your trust now. I should have been totally upfront with you. I value your friendship. And you're saying to your wife, like, I love you more than anybody. You get a chance to say all these nice things that can only come out as you're asking for forgiveness.

So just make a great apology. That's my advice. So you actually like apologizing because it makes you look better. So just make a great apology. That's my advice. So you actually like apologizing because it makes you look better. I think I'm never better. I'm never better than when I'm apologizing. You're so resolute in that. What does that mean, really? You prefer messing up really early on in the relationship because you apologizing is the best version of yourself yep every person i've ever been with i it's it was i swear to god on the heels of a great apology so do you ever self-sabotage yourself just so you have something to apologize for yes of course i feel like this happened like a couple weeks ago like i don't want to get into too many details

but like somebody was mad at me and they like went to the bath this is at a bar so they went to a bathroom and i was there with my brother and he was like man are you are you pissed like this is this is going to ruin your night and i was and i just like i looked at my smile i was like no this is this is exactly what i needed actually this is my chance to apologize this is my chance to shine i can't tell if what you're saying is really nice and wholesome or absolutely evil. It's absolutely evil. Let me answer that for you. There's nothing wholesome about this. Is that true for everyone or do you think you're a unique case?

I don't know. I think maybe I'm just like some kind of like... Sociopath? Yeah, that's what it is but i think i can pass off some of my sociopathic uh you know knowledge onto this guy right now you know make a great apology oh maybe yeah as long as your apology is great you're going to be better off like bones they heal stronger than they were before they were broken fuck yes so this wound will heal, and the relationship will be stronger than ever because you know what?

You got through the weirdest, most messed up time warp pre-wife bangage sesh that you've ever survived. Option number two is you guys just get drunk and swing. It's the only way to even it out. That's what would happen on a sitcom. You had sex with my wife, and he's like, all right, I know what I can do. You can sleep with my wife. The wife is just like me no no no honey honey please listen hear me out god i guess i'll do it it's the only way to make things right you have to all swing

and then he just shows up at the wife's house she's like i did not absolutely not agree to this now i'm mad at you for two different reasons all right listen honey who do you have to fuck for me to get off the hook option number three get a divorce and move away you're done tear the band-aid right off um all right there's your answer awesome question we hope you we hope we could help um here's a good one from, let's call him Bob Rooney. Let's remind people where they submit their questions to. I like the nice little break right in the middle. Yeah, let's stretch, relax.

Sometimes we're moving too fast. I'm just like, I'm in a mental breather right now. Okay, time's up. So that's the end of our show. I was just, Jesus. Yes. So you can email us at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. You can email us your questions.

You can email us theme song submissions. You can email us suggestions for the podcast. If you have suggestions for guests we should have or whether or not. That's fun. Any ideas that you should have about improving this podcast. Keep those to yourself. Thank you. It's perfect.

We really think that we've reached some sort of apex here and that we don't really need any of your suggestions. But if you happen to even want to write one and you think that it's constructive, we might as well give it a glance. You know what? I really want it that I think will improve the podcast. This is my suggestion that I'm giving to us right now. Well, email the show. Come on. Email the I'm giving to us right now. Email the show.

Come on. Email the show. I'm the one that would check the email for you. All right. So Car Talk, which is another advice podcast about cars. Yeah. They do this thing. I think it's called Stump the Chump, where after they've given someone advice, they'll

call that person like several months later and they'll say, were we correct? Right. they'll call that person like several months later and they'll say were we correct like was our did our advice like uh do well for you and and you know yes or no i like that idea i have no idea why it's called stump the chump maybe it's not called stump the chump but i think i feel like it is stump the chump and that seemed like two very different things yeah i agree but you know click and clack can do no wrong let's's call ours the follow-up pup. And then, like, we'll start with... It definitely has to rhyme. Yeah, yeah.

It'll be like a little puppy noise. Like... Oh, that's the follow-up pup. Time to call this person back. Let's see if she actually got a handjob on a bus. Yeah, she did. Hey, bud, what'd you say? Oh, well, we tried to swing, and my best friend took a swing, punched me in the jaw, then

fucked my wife. Now he has his wife and my wife. So fuck you guys. Ooh, it looks like the stump has been shumped. What was it? Stump the chump. The chump has been stumped. The chump has been shumped.

Iman Shumpert has been shumped. Yeah, anything else that we forgot to mention that we want to talk about? The intro song, the email submission, seizedthecheese.com. We always want to talk about seizedthecheese.com. Yeah, I guess we can go. I'm ready to answer another question. All right. Here we go.

This one is from Bob Rooney. Bob Rooney. Hey, dudes. I was flirting with this girl from my university on Facebook, and she asked me out. I said yes, but then after looking through her pictures, I realized I don't want to anymore. So I just said I was busy. Since then, I've just pretended like it never happened. I see her and talk to her all the time at uni, and she mentions, and she never mentions it.

I'm pretty sure all her friends hate me now, though, and her friends are basically everyone in my major. How do I make it so I'm not so hated? You know, what's interesting about that is I think you just have delusions of grandeur. Now that I really listened to this question, you said you were busy, which is a very normal-huh she sees you and talks to you all the time and never brings it up right and you think her friends hate you why wait it sounds like you just told a girl you were too busy to go out it was fine and now you're just like you're paranoid that people hate you well the one reason i do believe it is because she asked him out he said yes and then he said never mind i'm too busy

which seems like a fake excuse i guess so so in her mind it's like what happened we were gonna go out and now he doesn't like me anymore what did i do all i said was uh i accepted his uh acceptance he said yes and i wanted to go out interesting but he why are you flirting with a girl before you even knew what she looked like to begin with? Well, you know what she did? She had a really nice profile pic. He said yes based on the profile pic. He swiped her right a la Tinder. And he looked through the other pic.

Now you're speaking my language, son. Now he's looking through the other pictures and realized he didn't want to anymore. Is that a very shallow dickish thing to do? Of course, but you know what? If you're a shallow dick, why not do you as they say well if he already said yes is it was it considered a better course of action to say to one go out on a date to say you're too busy or three be completely honest with a girl and be like sorry I said yes prematurely I looked at some more of your photos and I'm no longer attracted

that is I think that's the worst possible thing you could do. But that's the honest answer. Right. When is honest? I mean, I feel like honesty is like maybe good half the time. Full, full blunt honesty like that is probably almost never good. But this girl probably just wants to know the truth. No, she doesn't.

So she's like. Who wants to know? Like, I just want to know. I just want. I just want this guy. I like to tell me I'm ugly. Okay. That's all I want.

I just want the truth. Well, she me I'm ugly, okay? That's all I want. I just want the truth. She's probably very confused. Be a little protected. If you ask the girl out, she said yes, and then she's like, never mind, I'm too busy. Wouldn't you be like, why? Would you want to know it's because you're no longer attractive to her? No, of course I wouldn't want to know that. So you would want her to just be like.

I didn't hear that. She already knows the truth. I think that's maybe the problem here. What? If I were talking to a girl, she said she wanted to go out, then she was just like, I'm too busy. I would definitely assume the worst. I would be like, oh, she's not attracted to me at all. I don't think I want confirmation of that. But then you wouldn't be confused, be like, what happened?

Why did she fall off the face of the earth? Why is she ignoring me now? After she said yes, you would go out with me i don't know it's tough because i mean like i'm not ugly so how am i supposed to like i can't commiserate with you because i have nothing in common with you i mean jesus right there are no set of four pictures that someone can look at me and say no never mind never mind, I'm too busy. That's not possible. No, people see four pictures of me and they say, let's hang out now. Okay, forget the date on Friday. Can I just come to your apartment?

It is Friday. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I hate myself right now. I don't know. I think that maybe what she wants to like forget that it even happened. It's sort of embarrassing for her, I imagine. So I think the best thing you can do is also, like if she's pretending like nothing ever happened,

you should too. Don't make it worse. Follow her lead on this. So just, you know, don't make it, what about going out on a date with her? It's too late now. That's what you should have done in the first place, asshole. You agreed to a date.

You can't look at her pictures and then say no. I mean, it's one date. You should have just gone out with her and then if she tries to kiss you, do it. No, I'm kidding. Like, I mean, go out on a date and then you don't owe her anything else. It's just like, hey, I think we're better friends. But isn't that – is it more of a dick move to go out on a date begrudgingly or to just blow her off? No, it's way more a dick move to blow her off after you've said you'll go.

Okay, but let's say he didn't say. Let's say a girl asked you out, you looked at her profile picture, thought she was attractive, you said yes. She's like, great, how about Friday? Then you look at more of her pictures and you're like, shit, she actually looks different than what the profile pic or I thought she was the girl on the left versus the girl on the right. And now you realize you're not actually attracted to her. Is the dick move to go out on a date, give her a courtesy date just so it doesn't seem like you blew her off? Or is it more of a dick move to just be like, uh, nevermind, I'm busy. I think you owe her a date in that instance. You owe her a date. She wants, you call it a courtesy date.

Exactly. It's a courtesy. It's the nice thing to do. But if she knew the truth, she wouldn't want you to go on a courtesy date with her. She'd be like, if you didn't like me, you should have just not gone out with me. I don't think she would. I don't know. It's so tough because you've made such a big mistake to begin with.

I wish we could have talked earlier. Oh, Bob Rooneyoney what would you do uh i don't know man i mean this isn't my show what would i do i guess i would be afraid to lead somebody on and go out on any date and yeah i think saying you're busy is the universal sign of something else went wrong and we can't be together you don't need to know exactly why but it's not gonna happen but now all her friends are probably mad at him because he's the guy that i think saying you're busy is what you should have done in the first place but you can't say i can do this date which is you know saying you're not busy, than saying, actually, I am busy. You can't do that.

But isn't that what you say you do to ladies sometimes? If they want to hang out with you, you're not honest enough to tell them no. What is this? You're taking off your microphone. Just leave it. Is this why we had that question on? Is this why we're doing this?

This is a public shaming of me. I mean, I think there's a difference between going out with someone deciding they're not your type or you're not interested and you know giving the the classic excuses like i'm busy and pushing it and i think that's like a new social norm of like oh this person's like canceled on me twice i i've i can take a hint they're not interested right versus you like accepting a date and then insulting her by canceling it. I think that's like a slap in the face. I think you at least owe her one date.

You don't have to have fun. You don't have to lead her on. You don't have to have fun. You could be pissed throughout the entire night. You could be surly and mean. You'll begrudge the entire affair. I've gone on dates that i was like knew i wasn't interested in the girl as i went into them because like because i've been set up or because i agreed

to a date or like something it's i don't know but i've also been in the situation where i canceled who knows you do you yo do you uh all right hopefully we helped, Bob Rooney. We definitely did not help at all. Yeah. How do I make it so I'm not so hated was his question. I guess change schools, right? All these people currently hate you. There's no coming back from this unless... If he takes her out now, you think that'll make things better?

I guess he'd be like, hey, my schedule cleared up. I'd love to take you out. I think that would make you not so hated. Show her a good time. But then if she asks for a second date, just say I say i don't know say yes and then say you're too busy yeah oh that's good yeah yeah but then take her out again oh so you start to like really fuck with her psychologically totally totally yeah you should oh try to give her like an eating disorder or something that's fun or like give her a present when you when you go with her like when you meet

up with her yeah make her fall in love with. Or a gift that's like really passive aggressive, like something like a scale. Yeah, yeah, like this is a scale. Isn't that funny? That's quirky. Oh, yeah. Isn't that fun? And then you marry her, right? Oh, okay.

This is fun. Now we're having fun. Flip the script a little bit. Now you're not so hated, but uh-oh. You skip out on the wedding. Okay. Don't you? So you were busy the day of your wedding.

You're riding the highs and riding the lows uh yeah so we got nothing for you man i'm sorry oh no i think your bit of advice was actually pretty good which is say you know what my schedule cleared up go go on one date with her show her a good time and then i think that's all you owe her at this point because you did say yes but you don't know her more than a single date and who knows maybe she'll change your mind that's true she might be great maybe you'll realize that her personality and how she is as a human is so cool that it doesn't really matter what her two pictures two through six look like all that matters is that you guys get along and also that all her friends hate you that's a perfect way to start a

relationship with every single one of your girlfriend's friends. To win everyone over in this relationship. From start to finish. God, we are out of time. No shit, really? Yeah, we're actually, we're over. We try to do 30 minutes a week and we're at 37 right now.

Holy crap. Unless I edit a question out, in which case, right on time. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. We love, love, love you guys. We love all the emails that we get, all the tweets that we get, all the Facebook messages. Everything has been so positive. It makes us want to do more, more, more. And we just are thoroughly enjoying this, hopefully as much as you guys are. If you want to help us out, you can leave a review on iTunes, which sort of helps boost our rankings, helps more people discover the show. out you can leave a review on itunes which sort of helps boost our rankings

helps more people discover the show or you can just tell your friends or force your friends to listen to an episode yeah or just keep on listening honestly just even that's great yeah or stop listening no no no no no no no no we're too nice pop the brakes there it is you can't they can't stop listening we need we need a loyal fan base. Someone just did threw their phone in a river. No! Yes, let's end the episode with yet another theme song

submission. This one is from someone named Geordie, or maybe just Geordie, but it's spelled Geordie. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Seize the cheese If I were you This is what I would do I will do all the things That you wanted me to So please send in

All your questions To if I were you show At gmail.com Because Amir is here and well Jake is here and they might have a guest I'm impressed because guests are hard to book on a podcast

it's quite ironic that the guest generally gives the best advice the best advice is nice but then you just give some abuse good for you i like the podcast keep up the good work feel free to cut this down well then again you don't edit