Segments - 100: Family Fiction (with Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Ben Schwartz AND Thomas Middleditch join us on our 100th episode! They advise, they sing, and they... get real. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com and Squarespace.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Our show's tonight. If you're listening to this. You can still come. There's a live podcast and a live show. Streeter's not going to be there, but we are. And honestly, we owe it to ourselves to make it a great show. Yeah. Because fuck Streeter. Fuck Streeter. Yeah. Because fuck Streeter.

Fuck Streeter. Hashtag fuck Streeter, everybody. No, no, no, no. Remember to post a tweet with the hashtag fuck Streeter. I don't know. I don't know. It seems a little negative. You said it first.

Let's... How dare you? I'm just building off what you started. Hashtag fuck Streeter. Hashtag this was Amir's idea. Let's get into it This is episode 100 We got not only Benny Schwartz but Tommy Mids

In the same room at the same time And not only did we get them but we also got real Oh da Thank you Let's do this If I were you With Jake and Amir Talking about if I were you

Shedding a tear I said if I were you I'd make up my mind real quick If Jake was you He'd probably let you suck his dick. Dick. That's what the song is really about. Dick.

Dickie dick. That's what the song's about. Oh, Jake's old dick. It's got a nice D. I saw it in the shower yesterday. It sways and flows like this but you don't know until

you see him piss. Holding hands, looking at each other in the eyes and kissing. That's right, we hold each other's hands, we look at each other's hands we look at each other's

eyes and we kiss four dudes kissing if I were you four dudes

kissing if I were you staring in each other's eyes if I were you

That was so bad. Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz. Jake on guitar. Thank you. First guests who have ever recorded their own intro music. That was really good. It was kind of beautiful, yeah. Yeah.

Towards the end. Can't wait to hear that back in seven months. It was cool, because the over-under on Dick Jokes was 91 seconds, and we got it right in. That's my fault. During the theme song. I messed myself up,

because I said something that could rhyme with Dick, and then I was like... And then it was game over. Yeah, and then when I was like, oh, rhymes with Dick, I gotta find out a way to put Jake's name before the word Dick. Literally, that's what my process was.

It was really nice, because I was just trying to um not fuck up the guitar yeah but i like could intermittently hear things about my penis so that was oh you try not to listen yeah yeah because otherwise i'd laugh and then i'm like really bad at the time is we're just grown men whose pinnacle idea of humor is a nice dick reference. Yeah. That's true. How old are you guys? I've always thought of him. Jake's not over 30. Jake, how old are you? Jake's 22. He's 22!

Wow! 22 years young! Jake's my little cousin's best friend. That's how the web series started. No, it's okay. Episode 100. Hey, we did it, guys! It was hard.

100. How many have you done, Thomas? Together, have we done about 50 of those 100? I would say you've done about a tenth of that. Together, you've done five or six. I like that very much. This is your third and your third. No, you've both done probably...

Thomas has done three. Oh, so this is his fourth? Yeah. Wow. Is this my third or my fourth? Yeah. Well, we did two the first time, plus the one where it just means two. Oh, wow. The two veterans. You got the one where it just beats two oh wow the two veterans

you got the two veterans in here for number 100 but this is one of our first shows with four guests too so that'll be a terrible idea maybe too we might get to zero questions Thomas one of the bits I did from my old one is we never got to questions I always ask to wait one more second

so if we can continue that bit on this one without just like... Maybe. I like the questions. Tom does a lot of fun questions. Oh, well, then this is going to be weird. It already begins. When we get to a question. The questions are my favorite part.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I just like talking. I don't like listening to anybody's questions. Oh, but I want to help the little boys and girls. The little boys and girls. Boy to toy, you remember them. Hey, can you do... is that Smee from Hook?

Smee, Smee, what about Smee? That's a bad Smee. That's a good Smee. That's a good Smee. That's a Smee. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle of us. That's what it was, right?

Yeah. Can you give the origin to that? Oh, we actually, we talked about it. I forget it though, but we it was, right? Yeah. Can you give the origin to that? Oh, we actually talked about it. I forget it, though. But we invented that, right? Yeah, we were at that symphony, and then we... Thomas had the best quote for that. He said it was like the whitest place he's ever been.

Or what was it? I don't know. Why did you go to a symphony with each other? Michael Giacchino does the score for Up, and he was performing. His performance was fantastic. By the way, everybody was, I thought it was really good.

It was just a very different tempo but it was him performing Up and then a bunch of different people and I enjoyed it very much. And then, didn't Kendrick Lamar close it? And Kendrick Lamar closed it. That's crazy.

We actually had to leave halfway through to perform Snowpants so we didn't get to see Kendrick. Oh, really? Wait, Kendrick really closed it? No, no, no. It was all like, it was, Kendrick really closed it? No, no, no. It was all like the Philharmonic.

Oh, no, no, I know him an asshole. You guys are all too good, man. I'd like to be. And someone wanted to take a picture, right? Yeah, sweet little lady. Sweet little lady wanted to take a picture, and then we said, get in the middle. No, she said, oh, no, we said, where do you want to be? And she said, I want to be in the middle.

And then we were both like, she wants to be in the middle. And then in my brain, she just left, and you guys were still singing. By the way, 100%, when she left, we were still singing. Yeah, I was saying, I told everyone, I can't stop singing. It's in my mind on repeat. I'm going insane. The best part is I thought Thomas had his phone towards, I had my phone towards Thomas,

and I was filming the orchestra behind him and Thomas, and then Thomas put his phone on me and was recording, and I was laughing. And then he showed me his video, and he was taking a video of himself. So he wasn't taking a video of me at all. So you both were videoing him. Yes, so he had two different angles of himself. I thought that was so funny. Well, they were doing that song, that guy, Cheesy McCheesy.

He was going, I want to red light so bright on Broadway. No, notesy, he was going, I wanna red light so bright on Broadway. No, not Broadway. He was going Hollywood. Oh, yeah. Any piney poopies, Hollywood. Simon Rich and something else. Simon Rich? I can't believe Simon Rich is in that song. Is that who he was named after? Yep.

Probably, right? Because the song predates him. Yeah. But that was a fun night. Should we even explain how the show works or if you made it this far, it's pretty... No, maybe this Because the song predates him. Yeah. But that was a fun night. Should we even explain how the show works? Or if you made it this far, it's pretty... No, maybe this is the intro. Maybe this is the first time people are ever listening. Give them a quick whatever.

That's true. Because, yeah, there is a chance that people are just tuning in because of y'all. Well, new listener, they go, 100 episodes. That's what I would think. Well, sorry, the anniversary. And then he completes his stroke. By the way, I agree. That's what happens.

I think all these new listeners are probably going to pass away from strokes. Really? But if I hadn't listened to a podcast before and it said, like, 100th anniversary, I would assume that you would get people you like to play with on. Oh, okay. Or at least bigger celebrities. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you probably should have gotten bigger celebrities.

Like who? Do you guys know anybody? I want to meet in the... You could have got, man know you could have got you could have got man you could have got a big boy uh you could have got one of those big boys yeah yeah i'd say uh this podcast just does texting bigger celebrities to see if they'll go on the podcast for a phone call i go through you guys's phone and just text in whoever is there someone more famous than you that you can text and get here in the next 45 minutes?

No, come on. Mike Still. We can try to get Mike Still. Mike Still, maybe Johnny Conroy. You're naming people that we could probably get a... I don't know who we could get. Who lives where you guys live?

Who does live where we are? Let me paint the picture where we are. Right now, me and Thomas are on a couch. In front of me, Amir Blumenfeld wearing nothing but purple shorts. Are you wearing underwear? Be honest. I'm wearing shorts and underwear. Jakey, what are you wearing, buddy? This is a gray tank top, green shorts, no underwear.

No underwear. It's very hot in their place. Yeah. It's always warm here. Yeah. We're here in the solarium. I don't understand why we place. Yeah. It's always warm here. Yeah. We're here in the solarium. I don't understand why we haven't started the show. I'm sorry.

Oh, jeez. Jakey, what's wrong, man? As the moderator, he's not really going. No, he's excited. He's excited. You're just sitting here in awe. Sorry. Completely naked.

I have to get this call. This is crazy, right? Who is it? It's my dad. Put him on. No, I'm just joking. Put him on. It's not really my dad. I him on no i'm just put him on it's not really my dad i was just joking all right so how does this episode or how does the show work we

this is an advice podcast and people email us in need of our help and sometimes it's just me and jake and sometimes we have a friend and today we have two because it's a special occasion our 100th episode thomas middleditch and ben schw Schwartz if you guys don't know who these people are sign up for an IMDB pro account right are you guys on regular IMDB or just the pro I think just the pro just the pro if you get the app they're on the app

what happened he just got a chiropractor I got back stuff and Ben as you were speaking was touching and probing and massaging and being a kind gentleman. But then he hit the sore one. I hit the bones. The spine.

Bones. Wait for sweet, sweet Dr. Iris to take care of that. She's going to tell me about the healing from within. You play the chiropractor. I'm going to play you. Hey, my back. My back is killing me today. Oh, you poor thing.

Well, as we all know, we heal from within and we expel negative energy without. That's fine. But do you mind if you fix my back? Okay. What's going to happen is I'm going to lay you down and I'm going to assess your energy and sort of see where it knocks up. Skip the energy part and just feel where it hurts. Okay.

Well, I'm feeling you and I can see here there's a kink in your chakra. Okay. Can you please take... No. Can you skip the chakra and get right to that bone? I'm pointing to where it hurts. Okay. I just want to remind you that we heal from within and get the negative energy that's great you said what

you need to say now find that bone and just help me out is this the bone this is the bone yes can you please push with your hands what is that what is that a diamond what does that diamond do this diamond activates spirits from beyond the grave no i don't care about that you asked me about what it was sir put your hands on it please fix my back Don't use Fix my back Oh sorry I'm touching my own back Just put your hands on it How does this feel? That feels great what is that?

Okay and hold breathe in and out She likes to be in the middle She likes to be in the middle of us Do you regret this? Not yet baby Not yet, baby. Not yet, baby. This is going to be the first 70-hour podcast. Give us a question.

I want them. Okay, but before we ask questions, can I ask you guys a question? No, no, no, no. I know the fun thing with Ben is to not answer questions. When do you choose to wear underwear and when do you choose not to wear underwear? Why did you choose not to wear underwear? And then how long will you go? Because you're getting in your car in a little bit.

I like to not wear underwear? Why did you choose not to wear underwear and then how long will you go? Because you're getting in your car in a little bit. I like to not wear underwear if I'm wearing shorts. Because I like to feel the air. I like to feel the air on my thing. But that's the time you should wear underwear because that's when people can look up your shorts and see your balls and penis. I don't think anybody can see my balls and penis. Can you see my balls and penis right now?

Well, if I went at a certain angle, I could. There's a possibility. No, I think the shorts are too tight. I don't think you can. You're right. It's okay. But I wear baggy, baggy shorts. Hey, but Jake, I don't care if I would see your baller penis.

Yeah, I don't really care if anybody sees my baller penis. I would have to be in a pretty weird position for someone to get a good look for a long time at my baller penis. Yeah, that's true. If someone catches a glimp, that's fine. A glimp. A single glimp. A singular glimp.

All right. A glimp. So I misspoke once, and that's going to be how I remember. That's the show. I said a glimp. A singular glimp. So I misspoke once and that's going to be how I remember. I said a glimp. A single glimp. Nobody misspeak on this podcast, huh? Misspeak?

Oh god, two for two, Jake. Misspeak? You went two for foo. What was wrong with misspeak? Do you guys have TV here if we want to watch the Simpsons marathon after this? No. I want to get to a questionons Marathon after this? No. Great. This place is the worst. I want to get to a question.

Don't let me bully you. We will. There's always time for a question. We get to one usually at the very end. No, we want to get three. No, we don't. I'll ask you three questions. You're like a kid on the way to Disneyland.

The questions are the funnest part. What's wrong with you? All right. Let's start a question. Have a question. I've done it before. I've done this show three, four times. You haven't let us add a question. The first time've done it before I've done this show Three four times You haven't let us

Add a question The first time I did it We did a bunch of questions And it was fun So Ask a question Come here We get to make up

The names too right Yeah that's right Oh you do that with everybody Yeah You're an asshole You started with me Oh Nope

Cool Alright Can I ask you a question real quick Sure I'm on Thomas' side I want questions oh nope cool uh all right uh question real quick sure i want questions so you guys have to win you have to win this is a competition give me your phone no i got it i got i need a name i need a name is it a girl or a boy you do the first name i do the last name okay you want first last name well i'll do first last name this time you do i can't imagine we're gonna get to two questions.

Yes, we are. Putting my foot down. All right. We need a guy's name. Orlando. Oh, I've never heard other people make up names. This is exciting. Orlando is the first name.

I do the last name? Yeah. That's what you said. Oh, I thought you were going to know the whole first name. Orlando. Orlando. Coral. C-O-R-N-O-L-T. You're going to know the whole first name. Orlando, um, Orlando Cornel. C-O-R-N-O-L-T. Cornelt.

Cornelt. Orlando Cornelt. Orlando Cornelt, right. I have a question. Have you guys ever actually met a guy named Orlando? Orlando Bloom, you mean? No, but have you met one? No.

I've never. Anybody? Jakey? Yeah, I knew a guy that had a kid named Orlando once. I don't believe that. That's a Kevin Bacon removal right there. You don't know the kid, do you? I met him. Oh, okay.

I don't think you met him. I can't imagine you hanging out with anybody's kids. I'm great with kids. Prove it. How? Pretend I'm a kid. Pretend Thomas is a kid and I'm the father. Hey, Jakey, Can you do me a favor

Can you take care of my friend Take a nap We're gonna ask We're gonna answer a question What? You like that? You like that? I got pee pee in my underwear

Jakey please Can you take him Before he pees in his pants? Wait what's this? I got poop All over my legs He's gonna pee He's gonna pee and poop

Take care of him please I'm a kitty I'll take Alright This is crazy He's really changing Just actually changing him He's changing her diaper I'm going to pee and poop. Take care of him, please. I'm a kitty. I'll take care of him. All right. This is crazy. He's really touching me. He's just actually changing him.

He's changing your diaper. Whoa, there is shit in here. Orlando, Orlando, Orlando Cornel. Orlando. What musical is that from? What musical is it from? Anybody? Ben.

You have to be a better host than this. This is real. If you guess this correctly. Give me the phone because I'll be better than you. No, I can't. Shut up. Okay, for real. What musical is that from when they go, Orlando? Book of Mormon.

Okay, we get to the first question. By the way, you're not the gatekeeper. You're letting Ben host the podcast. Is that okay? No. Hey, guys. I need some advice. I was recently using my mom's laptop while mine was being worked on, and while I was

using it, I noticed a folder on her desktop labeled Stories. Oh, boy. After I opened it, I started reading some of the Word docs, and I noticed that the short stories were all about my family. But the plots of some of the stories are events that happen in real life, but she adds romantic drama. For example, all of us sitting at a table, but we are all in our underwear shirtless, oiled up. What?

This is the mom? The mom does this? Mm-hmm. I did not read enough to see if it got hardcore. See, the questions are interesting. I did not read enough to see if it got hardcore, but it is creepy nonetheless. Should I confront my mom about this? Thanks, Orlando Cornolt. Wow.

This is his own mother. His mother is writing erotic family fiction. About themselves. Fam fiction. Fam fiction. What happens? Wait, so theoretically her son is involved in this shirted oil? Yeah, they're all oiled up.

She's writing erotic stories where the whole family is oiled up. Yeah. As a non-family member, there's part of me that's like, cool. No, that's terrible. But then the rational side takes it and I'm like, oh, that's horrible. You wouldn't read... You wouldn't be into... Are you into that?

Like, are you into those videos of, like, porno where it's like, father finally fucks his daughter? Like, do you hunt down those? No, but mother finally fucks her son. Yeah, stepmom... Mother finally fucks her legitimate son? No. Oh, God.

Well, I know they're not really. It's really tough, because sometimes they're they're like stepkids, you know? And that's decently hot. But then sometimes it's like actually sister, brother. Is that hot? Stepkids? That's kind of hot. I mean, it doesn't really matter.

I'm not in it for the story. But sometimes the girl is hot and she's like, oh, I love fucking my brother. I'm like, shush. Don't say anything. Also, I just want to say that this guy didn't read enough to see if it gets actually erotic. But it definitely does. Absolutely. Yeah, they are oiled up sitting. They're me right now but oiled right and then the rest of it is that they wipe the oil off and put their clothes back on yeah they all take a shower what

does that mean so what what's the extent like if it's the romance is like the they all start kissing or having sex that would be such a different story then what happens if they just come back from they by mistake fell in a bunch of grease. The mom's not a good writer. Yeah, exactly. Babies, babies, babies. He totally should not say anything to the mom. Oh, you don't think so, regardless of what I agree.

No, this is something that's just like, you don't need to be a part of her life. A, she had a whole life before you, so just chill the fuck out. And then B, let her have her things. Yeah, she's a mother she's like working hard all the time this is like this her secret little thing that gets her off i think you shouldn't take it away whoa okay whoa whoa whoa may not get her off it definitely

gets her off she's jerking off she's masturbating to this maybe this is a dark one it's hard this is a very if the guy if the person if it's gonna bother him and really bother him and every time he sees his mom he's gonna think about how my God, she's probably thinking about all of us fucking on the French toast or whatever it is. The next dinner is going to be very silent. Imagine that. Of course she's going to think that. Anytime they're around. This kid should just show up to dinner covered in oil.

Is this what you want, mother? Does this remind you of anything, mother? I would say if you did open that can of worms, you may get something weird. That's opening a door. I know that it is opening a door. A door of worms. Do you want to open that door of worms to your mommy? Do you want a glip of that door

or no? It was a glip. You misspoke now. Let's all make fun of Ben for saying glip, everybody. I said glip. I said it wrong. Yeah, come on. but you said his wrong thing yeah i know how about him i messed up i made a huge mistake oh at least he admits it you're a fucking asshole jake you're the worst amir what would you do what would you say i would be so terrified i would i would close the folder and walk away forever so when you look at the mom

your mom your mom the next time wouldn't you be like oh oh yeah there's no way the mom the next time. Wouldn't she be like, oh, yeah, there's no way. The next meal is going to be so quiet. Did you guys ever read Oedipus? Oedipus Complex? Oedipus Rex. It's a... Oh, wait, no, it's... It's all Greek. It's a Greek story.

It's a Greek tragedy where this guy stumbles across his mother's erotic fan fiction about himself. No. And he gouges his eyes out. No way. It's the equivalent.

This is a modern-day equivalent of Oedipus. Ay-yi-yi. I think... Ay-yi-yi. that conversation will be too strange. Is she like sexual and forward with you in real life? If not, then let it lie. Let that sleep in dog's sleep.

That's true. Thomas brings up a great point. If she's very forward in talking about sex and stuff, it may be something to bring up. But if you come from a very reserved family, by the way, protect your fucking files If you're going to write about fucking your own daughter Or whatever the hell it is We're jumping to conclusions It's bad enough that he found it Exploring it any further

It's not going to get better It's not like there's a resolution That his mom's like, oh yeah I didn't write that There's nothing that she could say Oh, those stories? Those stories weren't for you. What about this idea?

Leaving just a little reminder or a little note to her that you've seen it. Like, write stories from mom on the folder. That way she knows someone was there. She knows you heard it. There's so much about how you were raised, by the way. For real. What if you were a dad and you were writing stories about your father, about your family,

and then you opened up your folder and you saw a little WordPad note that says, like, I know what you wrote. You'd be like, that's way too on the wall. All I want to do is add an asterisk at the end of the file name stories. So she's like, I didn't put that there. I wonder what's going on. She checks around. She clicks around.

Nothing else has changed. But everything has changed. We weren't covered in oil. What if the guy just went through and made revisions to the whole thing? The guy gave really extensive writing notes. Just like good constructive notes. Only grammar notes, though. The story is fine.

Okay, how about this? How about he may be looking into it too much. Maybe it's not their family. Maybe it's a family, and this is something he thinks about, but it's not the kid. You know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe it could be that.

Yeah, maybe he's wishing it was his family because he's the weirdo. Whoa, by the way. You're a pervert, kid. The point is, this is this lady's private fiction. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.

Let it be. Reading words of fiction. Let it be. When I find no we're not doing the next of course everyone took off their headphones at that point anyway drove into a freeway

overpass jumping due to freeway tell your mom or no don't tell your mom I don't know I'm on the fence I don't know what to do walk me through that conversation I'm not thinking about the conversation I'm on the fence. I'm on the fence. I don't know what to do because if it was... Walk me through that conversation. I'm the mom. I'm not thinking about the conversation.

I'm thinking about it driving the kid crazy. Because it's obviously driving the kid crazy. So he's going to have to stuff it down into himself until he fucking hurts and feels terrible? No, you just remind... What's the solution? If he says something that he feels terrible and she feels terrible. Right now, two people feel bad. Well, maybe he can get a resolution

that makes him feel better. If he's like, hey, mom, I found something on the computer that made me feel kind of awkward. I don't know. It matters how old the family is. I'm sorry I masturbate to you covered in oil, son. Oh, my God. And then she's like,

I'm a horrible mother. And he's like, you're a horrible mother. And then everything is terrible. I want to know more about that family. I want to know more about that mom. I'd like to read some of those stories. I guess it is possible

that she needs to be reported to child services. You're a horrible mother, but an amazing writer. The mother grabs the child by the waist and pulls him in. I mean, if he's like 15 years old and she's writing a fan fiction about him covered in oil and then like blowing it. But that's not a huge problem. Is that erotic? That's not erotic.

Just covered in grease? That's not enough. We've jumped to some serious conclusions. Yeah, I agree. We need more information. Nobody's fucking each other. Literally, they're just sitting around eating meal, and they're greasy. Well, he stopped reading there.

That's like the intro paragraph. Of course he goes to fucking. Yeah, what happens if a dragon came in? What about if the story's about a dragon? How's that going to do with the family? Is that illegal? Can you fuck a dragon? Last time I checked, you could.

What? What? You fucked a kimono dragon. Oh, no. That's dangerous, man. Their spit will kill you dude is that true yeah they got poisonous mad poisonous spit shit you're cool man shit yo shit that thomas he knows a lot about dragons what other facts do you know dude i know that they're fast they'll really run after you you gotta run oh they the eggs oh they aggressive they territorial

and they spit mad voices can you own one is that a thing to own or not nah dude you can't own no Komodo especially not here

in the city man shit okay why are you saying shit what happened man just cause I think about that one time what happened

what happened dude man that one time I saw a Komodo dragon. Yeah, of course. On the internet. And I was like, I ain't never going to see one in real life. And then? I realized it was true.

Oh, man. I can show you a Komodo dragon. The LA Zoo has one. No joke. No. Yeah, dude. You go to the zoo, they have them. Shut your mouth.

No, for real. You go up to the zoo. It's right near where Warner Brothers is. Don't be an asshole. I think you're just saying catchphrases now because you're not listening to me. Hey, did I do that? Oh, no. Now you're saying 90s early 90s. Anyone want some cheese?

Is that from the same TV show? Yeah, baby. It's Urkel. You did cool Urkel, but not Stefan Urkel. A different cooler Stefan. Stafane Urquiel. Stafane Urquiel. a different cooler stefan stefane or quill stefan third even cooler stefan or cal that would be so funny and it's played by thomas melvin you hear they're bringing it back in blackface like the worst i need another name first name girl or guy boy boy

stiff wiener quirk q-u-i-r-p quirk q-u-i-r-p quirk and then I do last name helicopter

quirk helicopter you just took that from that helicopter no I didn't no I didn't that helicopter has quirk on it. No, it doesn't. Quirkcopter.

Quirkcopter writes, Hey guys, love the show, especially Jake. So I recently got into this amazing relationship with a total dime. We've been dating for a week and a half and everything is going swimmingly when suddenly the topic of my surgery came up. Oh no. She was freaking out because there's a chance I could die during it. During what? During sex?

The surgery. She started to have this come-apart. Hey, it's part of the world. Lexicon, thank you, Lacey McGovern-O'Cuddy, or whatever her name is. She was the best. She started to have this come-apart and really wanted to come see me in the hospital with her parents. I'm only going to be there for one day, and I'm going to be heavily dosed on drugs, not to mention I won't even be able to talk. I feel uncomfortable for her and her family to

come see me in the hospital. I think that's a weird way to meet. How do I tell her I don't want her to see me in the hospital, or that I don't want visitors at all? Or am I just being ridiculous and they should just come? This is an easy one, I think. I think everybody's going to be on the same page for this one. I think you absolutely

don't have... You asked the parents not to come. You're in the hospital for one day. You don't want to meet the parents that way. By the way, what surgery is it

that you're only there for one day? And he could die. I think it's either tonsils, wisdom teeth, or deviated septum. Not going to die from those. There's always a small chance

any time you get anesthesia that you could die. Babies. Whose parents? His own? No, his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her parents? Yeah, and he's never met her parents

and they've only been dating for a certain amount of time. Oh shit, the food's here. Let's press pause. No, no, no, let's keep talking. Okay, it's three of us. Here's what happens. Okay, you say, baby, I'd love for you to come if you want, but I think I'm gonna be down and out and maybe not have your parents come because I'm gonna be like recovering from my life-threatening surgery. It's just you and I.

Everybody's gone. This is it. This is the reserve team. Now we can get to the real issues. Let's gab. Let's quickly read another question. They come back and we're just reading emails and giggling to each other. Maybe in our entire dinner.

I think Benny Boy's right. You can just say I mean it's surgery You can be like I'm gonna feel gross You can come But I'd rather meet your parents At a different surgery

I feel like this dude Is a pussy man What's the surgery If it's like something Where it's like There's a 2% chance I'm gonna die Then it's like

You shouldn't have even Got her worked up Just say you're not gonna die Do you think That it's weird In general of her to want this? I think it's normal. It's weird for her to be like, I just want to see you, and I want to bring my parents. Yeah.

Parents part is very weird. After a week and a half. Oh, does she stay with me for a week and a half? Yes. Then no. Absolutely do not bring the parents. Absolutely say, hey, I'm so uncomfortable. I mean, this is the easiest.

I'm getting mad now. You say, please, I'm so sorry, but please, it'll make me uncomfortable I'm getting mad now. You say, please, I'm so sorry, but, like, please, it'll make me uncomfortable. I don't know your parents. I'd rather meet them in a different way. I love, and by the way, if he's uncomfortable with her coming, I love the idea that you want to come, which he probably does. He's like, but I feel like I'm going to be drugged out, and I don't want you to see me like that.

I just met you, blah, blah, blah. Why doesn't he just, like, a little white lie? It's against hospital policy. Why would you lie? We just gave you truth to say. You're not allowed to come jakey why is your first instinct to lie i said white lie and i just said if he wants to it's an option i'm not saying i do i would do it yeah because what if she battles back she's like i but i really want my parents to see you this way or she's like oh really because i was in the hospital like last week visiting some friends of mine

and i can't tell you how when my friend brought his parents, it made me feel, oh, I don't know. If it's possible, try to die during surgery. You won't have to meet anybody. What does it mean to be dating for a week and a half? That's what? One date?

Two dates? Maybe they're falling for each other. Maybe it's really positive. Like you see each other once and then every day for 10 days? He said she's a dime. She's a tenner. She's a dame.

She's a tenner that he's been with for 10 days. I think you could say, I want you to come. I don't want your parents to come. It's fine if she sees him all drugged up. That's okay. That's a tenor she's a dame she's a tenor that he's been with for ten days I think you could say I want you to come I don't want your parents to come it's fine if she sees him all drugged up

that's okay it could be adorable he'll say things like when all those people come back from the dentist and he's like I'm a pony ride me

what happens if he says really racist things and it ruins the whole relationship well then he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship that's true well or she should get her camera out

and film it and put it on YouTube. Then we can all laugh at it. At the very least, he could be a star because of it. Yeah. Yeah, I think he should be a little sensitive to her. Because this isn't necessarily all about him. It's like her feelings.

So you think it's rude to say don't come? I don't think it's rude to say don't come. I don't think this is a good time for me to meet your parents. That's correct. If you want to come, you can. Just know that I'm going to be really drugged, and I'm a little embarrassed. I don't know. I guess Warner.

Maybe you'll feel better if you're just Warner. And start with don't take it the wrong way. I can't wait to meet your parents, but I don't think that – Yeah, I want to meet them when I'm healthy. Yeah. I like that answer, Jake, instead of you lying about, the hospital doesn't allow old parents in here. Not for me.

The hospital might not allow them. They might not. It might not be totally kosher. Why doesn't he say, I want them to visit me when I'm recovering at home? Well, let them have a glimpse when they get home.

Whoa, man. Thank you. Well, look, it's the Goodyear Glimpse. Right over there, over Dodger Stadium. I'm just going to pounce on whoever says the wrong word

I promise you I can't wait I can't wait also it's gonna be me again nothing can possibly go wrong possibly go wrong that's the first thing

that's ever been gone wrong that's my favorite Simpsons episode Simpsons nerds marathon's on right now when is this one coming out Monday September 8th the day of our London show

come if you're listening and you're in London there's still tickets available Monday September 8th, the day of our London show. Come if you're listening and you're in London. There's still tickets available. Monday, September 8th. If it comes out, I'm on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Watch me on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Is that true?

Monday, September 8th? Oh, fun. Thomas, what do you have to promote for September 8th specifically? It has to happen on September 8th. Is there a Bachelor in Paradise that day? Yeah, there is. I know.

I was going to say the marathon goes for how much longer? Ten more days probably. Eight more days probably. 8 more days. Are you still watching season 15, 16? I am.

And I think it's really fucking funny. Oh, still? Yeah. You got to watch it. It's been overrated. No, underrated. The later seasons. I just don't feel like our generation has watched as much.

I wonder if you ask the generation underneath us. Because we were addicted. Do you watch The Simpsons at all times? Are you one of those guys? Not anymore. All right. I invited you to do the thing and you didn't say yes, right? Well, I was out of town.

All right. So like... I was out of town. So casual and passive-aggressive, this conversation. Oh, that's right. I invited you to say no. So you didn't want to join me when I was doing something about The Simpsons, right? I was out of town. I flew to Chicago and the weather made me turn back, so I just flew right back.

I was on the airplane all day. They only allowed immediate relatives in the room. Is that true? Because when you asked me to do your show, I said on the airplane all day. They only allowed immediate relatives in the room. Is that true? Because when you asked me to do your show, I said, yeah, no problem. Did you really fly to Chicago and they did a U-turn

during the flight and you landed back in L.A.? I was supposed to go to Cincinnati. Everybody at the College of Cincinnati, University of Cincinnati, my apologies. You're going to stand-up comedy?

I'm doing stand-up comedy, babies. I love it. I love it. Everyone at the University of Cincinnati, my apologies because I got to Chicago and the weather had delayed the flight to Cincinnati.

Cincinnati, yeah, everybody heard that. Thank you. Classic glimp over here. Continue. And Thomas is the one, the guy that had made fun of me about the glimp. Hey, man, chill, man. I'm nice. And then, so I delayed it so I wouldn't be able to make it into town, and then I flew

back to Los Angeles. Oh, that sucks. That is the saddest thing. I don't know. It was coach. I loved it. Chicago's got a nice airport. Remember they got those

like tostados? Chicago's great. Oh yeah, the tortas. Tortas, yeah. Hey, Chicago, why don't you bring either Thomas and I to do two-person improv

or bring this whole entire podcast over? Are you listening, Chicago? Come on, Chicago. How much fun would it be to go to Chicago? You decline it. I've asked you a million times.

To tour? Remember I asked you to my thing and you said no? I'm a two-person improv. Oh, you're a liar. You're saying it now here on the air in front of all these people. You're a liar. I told you a little bit ago that I said that. I'm about ready to fart.

You push me, it's coming your way. I'd like to hear it. Put it in the microphone. Do you think it could happen try putting your knees by your ears and then ben you just get that that big soft bulb as close as you can get to his anal opening put it closer put it closer i don't know if it's gonna happen i don't think it's a big a big enough toot you just sharted it doesn't matter let's just let me shit your pants for real or had a little bit of shit go in your pants i'll preface this by saying i don't remember for me so i can't so i'm not

trying to i don't want to make you say it and then you'd be like what about you and i'm like oh i don't i don't remember yeah i don't have a good shitting my pants story uh yeah not recently i have a i have a funny one where this was ages ago i was a young 20 man and i was in what what a 20 a 20 man i was like 21 and i was in this like i was in my my bedroom and it had like tiles it was like one of these basement apartments horrible in toronto thomas is smiling a little bit now which makes me feel like the story's about to get amazing no it's it really doesn't but i was like i was new to my bedroom as is my life pretty much just nude scooting around and i remember i had to like pick something up and i like popped down squatted to pick it up and

just like uncontrollably a little dollop of poop came out and like landed on the tile you had no idea you had to poop that is a perfect situation you're completely naked onto tile yeah it's like the easiest cleanup a surveillance camera would have resulted in somebody thinking you did it on purpose. Yeah, but I'm just sort of by myself in my room having a good time. Like, oh, there it is. Really? How big? With your hand, show me how big.

Let the record show that he showed about two Butterfinger BBs. No, this is like an acorn. An acorn, like an acorn type shit. And I just looked at it and I just started laughing so then i'm sitting there naked alone by myself laughing did you shit afterwards or no well i i thought to myself tommy you gotta go to the bathroom what are you doing did you i'm sure i did but at that point i was like fuck man i gotta now i gotta put clothes on go get some toilet paper bring it back

wipe it up that's living on your own for the first time you know living on your own you can't you know what i do this is embarrassing it's sort of related to shitting my pants but more controllable i drool a lot so i'm like sitting watching a youtube video on my computer picking my nose and i will drool onto my own chest really i'm like what this is the lowest i can is your mouth open when you do it like yeah i think so so. I'm like Homer looking at a cheeseburger. I don't feel it until it hits my chest. I'm drooling on me.

How base is that? What a monster. Two-year-olds can not drool, and I'm lower than that for that one second. I guess my biggest fault is that I'm too tidy. I'm too neat. I guess I care about work a little bit too much.

That's the one for interviews they always say. What's your biggest default? Did you ever hear that? When you go on job interviews, when they ask you what your biggest weakness is, say that, I guess I'm too neat, or I'm too on the nose and on time and stuff like that. Right, and I say I drool on my chest.

Do you drool or shit? I guess I shit, yeah. Really my chest. Do you drool or shit? I guess I do shit, yeah. Really? Really. Disgusting. I think I drool in my sleep. I guess my thing is like, I feel like I always have boogers. So sometimes when I laugh, I like go out my nose and I'll blow a booger.

You'll snort. I do that like every... You'll snot rock it. Yeah, like by accident. I do that more often than I think anyone. Right. I do it a lot. I get a lot of earwax, so much so that sometimes they'll just be hanging out and I'll hear like,

and like a chunk will fall out of them. Like a stalactite falling down. Yes. Yeah, like a chunk will just tumble out and it'll be on my shoulder. I'll be like, oh, and then quickly wipe it away. Let's do one more question. We do have one more question. Oh, we have two more questions. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard,

folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app.

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Pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I need another name, but this time from a lady.

You're up first. Jeswin. Jeswin. Oh, here. It's coming to me. Okay. Kirtle. No. That's not it jasmine jasmine oh that makes everything different jasmine one up jasmine one up how do you spell that w-i-n-o-p okay j-e-s-w-y-N-N-E. Jeswin. Jeswin.

W-Y. Yeah, Jeswin. Hey guys, I got a summer job working in an office where I make some serious bank. Here's the problem. I'm from Canada and just recently turned 19, the legal drinking age. I binge drink three to four nights a week and show up to work hungover a lot. One day, it was so bad that I puked five times at work. I was able to hide it well until my middle-aged coworker noticed and became worried.

To cover up being hungover, I told her I might be allergic to something I ate, and I thought that I might have food poisoning. She said that she had read about young people being allergic to milk in the newspaper that morning and assumed that I was allergic to milk. Still being drunk from the night before, I was unable to think straight and just went along with it.

She told the whole office and now everyone is convinced that I have a severe milk allergy, which I don't, and that the reason I was puking is the milk. Now everyone in the office keeps talking to me about dairy-free food items and I have to eat my yogurt in secret.

I'm not sure if I should just come clean and admit I was hungover or live a lie for the rest of my life. Why? It's just the theme song for every specific problem. So this girl has a problem. That's a girl? Yeah.

You named her. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jeswin is binge drinking? Look at you. Three to four nights a week. You sexist. That can't be a girl. Well, Jeswin, you got to get your... First, my first thought is you got to get... Oh, I just touched it. Did I fuck it up? Nope. You sexist. That can't be a girl. Well, Jeslyn, you gotta get your... First, my first thought is...

You're just a kid. Oh, I just touched it. Did I fuck it up? You gotta get your act together. Yeah, you're a kid. You're just acting like a kid. No, but also, look, alcoholism can start early. So just watch out. I'm serious. Be careful. Right, I mean, binge drinking four nights a week... It's too much.

Especially if she recognizes it as binge drinking. That must mean it's a fucking ton. Especially if you've got a nice job. Because I feel like I binge drink and I'm like, it's regular. This is fine, this is fine. And somebody else would be like, no, you binge drink.

So she's like self-realizing that it's binge drinking. It's probably really bad. Well, what's the solution to her problem right now? Should she say that she's been binge drinking? Wait, hold up. She said that she was allergic to milk? No.

She struck gold. She said she's allergic to milk. Now everybody thinks that she has a milk allergy and she's been binge drinking? Wait, hold up. She said that she was allergic to milk? No. She struck gold. She said she's allergic to milk. Now everybody thinks that she has a milk allergy and she's not an alcoholic. This is much better. She could say that she's getting over her milk allergy.

But you should stop drinking and getting hammered when you come to work. That's such a silly thing to do. This isn't what I fucking asked about, Ben. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we're teaching you a lesson, a real lesson to make your life better.

Well, we've got to figure out, guys, what's our stance on the whole drinking issue? Because are we going to allow her to get away with her lie, or are we going to try and help her become a productive person in life? Right. I would say if you've got work, binge drinking, vomiting at work is never good. If you're doing that multiple times a week, that's very bad. That's terrible. You can't have a steady job.

You're pretty anti-alcohol, though, right? No, I'm not anti-alcohol at all. But you don't... It's a thing called motivation. You can't be motivated when you've been drinking four nights a week. That's insane. I'm very turned off when I see someone very drunk. Oh, yeah.

Crazy drunk girls are not attractive. So she clearly has a drinking problem. She should address that. Take care of that issue first. I get it. You're young. You want to party. But, you know, just...

Be responsible. It's not cool to be throwing up at work. Ever. And it's not fun for anybody. I got to chime in here. I'm acting like old man. Like I told you so. I've done it.

I've been a bad boy, too. Right. But for four nights in a row, like throwing up at work, that's too much. That is too much.'s too much way too much it sounds like it's a summer internship so try exercising some responsibility and then you can binge drink when you're back at work you're 19 my god

let this comedy of errors be a fun whimsical very easy lesson for you to learn as opposed to you waking up in a hospital paralyzed being like I drank too much fell off a cliff oh they talk to this kind of no no i'm allergic to milk it's not that yeah i'm not i just off a cliff oh is it illegal to drink milk and drive so don't drink stop drinking is the well moderate your drinking you don't have to stop drinking legal for her to drink it's okay Just don't Moderate your drinking

Don't have someone over That you're puking at work But continue the ruse of milk Yeah I mean you struck gold That's good I would almost say Oh I guess it's starting to wear off Like something like that

Oh the allergy Is starting to wear off Well you can be lactose intolerant And lose that Lose that That doesn't stick with you Your whole life Become more tolerant

You can become more tolerant Of milk You can be like I think the side effects Are just wearing down or say you're taking lactate also yeah also if it's a summer internship and she's about to leave in a little bit then you could just get out of there yeah your life's not over yeah you have like by the time you hear this your internship is probably over yeah i bet no also nobody in the office cares that you're allergic to milk beyond that one day when they found out like i think you're fine yeah they're not gonna be like yogurt wait samantha you lied to us about yogurt jeswin jeswin

that wasn't a real name was it samantha was a real name oh my god i'm so sorry sammy you guessed it uh last question now now last question Let's do it. We need one last male name. My first name or last name? Your first name now. First name. First name first. Same as the firsts. First name is going to be...

Ooh, I got it. Libel. Libel? L-I-O-B-E-L. Libel. Lionel, but with a b libel libel uh hey man it's me libel uh ream job so close ream job here liable ream job rights hey guys the show. I'm about to graduate college and thus my GF and I have put an expiration date on our relationship. Since we both know it's going to end, I was wondering, on a scale of kill yourself at a Starbucks to hashtag dope, basically 1 to 10,

how acceptable is it for me to cheat on her now? Don't cheat. Thanks guys, you rock. Sorry to be one of the asshole dude listeners. Love, liable? Liable. If you don't mind, I. You rock. Sorry to be one of the asshole dude listeners. Love, liable, real job. If you don't mind, I would say this. If you know you're going to cheat on your girlfriend, get out of the relationship. If you know you're going to break up with her, if you 100% know you're going to break up with her,

then just break up with her now. I don't understand what you're doing. Yeah, I agree. Because here's the thing. Tell me. He may have that schnissy lined up. The which? I the schnissy schnissy on the side what is schnissy yo ream job loves his schnissy schnissy on the side is like what he's asking about he's like yo essentially I got all this schnissy and I want to know if I can hit it when I'm still with my lady hit the schnissy and all you have

to do is just go up to the lady be like hi he's ending college yeah that's what he should he should just break up with her because like we're cash in on all this like hookups that you could have now yeah just be like sweetheart unless you want to do an open relationship i think maybe we should just if both of you have decided that it's over then it's kind of over already no i agree and i think there's something that's so much more fun to hook up and have sex and not have it be a terrible, ugly secret. And have guilt. You do not cheat on her. And then whatever your

relationship was is now tainted and tarnished by this stupid thing you did to them at the last fucking couple weeks. You should be kind, and if both of you guys agree, or if it's the other way and are you staying together because there's that chance that maybe by the time you get to the end of school you, you're going to be like, oh, you know what? Maybe we should keep this going.

Maybe we move in. But that's something different. If you think the relationship has legs and you love this girl and she loves you or whatever it is. But if you're literally asking, I'm going to cheat on this girl. Are you guys cool with that? I would say I'm not cool with that. You should have a discussion with that woman. By the way, maybe she has the same exact idea. Yeah exact idea yeah yeah oh you think that's why she put on

the expiration date i mean if there's an expert if you're with somebody you're like hey we're gonna break up in a couple months just break up that second just break up immediately unless you think staying together will keep you unless you feel like you're gonna get the thing you didn't have or i've had a situation where it's like you know there's an expiration date so you're just gonna enjoy it while you can because you know that's true but you're still gonna be like i'm just gonna enjoy it with this person because it's fun to be it's fun to be in love and have this little relationship i guess i think you could just say like i want to stay close to you like up until we graduate but i also want to like explore and do things that i didn't get to do while we were in a relationship. Why don't we hang out a little bit? I think there's two decisions.

And it's open. Yeah, boom. I think exactly what Thomas said is correct. There is joy in if you're like, you know what? This is the last day. Let's fucking blow it out. Let's have fun. Let's be in love.

It's that option. Or if you really think you're going to want to have sex with someone else, I mean, maybe your gut is telling that you want to, but if you truly feel like you're going to hook up or have sex with somebody else and that's what you're inclined to do, then you 100% tell this woman who you just made a deal with, be like, you know what? I'm having these thoughts. I should get out of this because I don't want to hurt you. And that would be right. You should make the relationship good or your hookups.

That is exactly right. You can't have both. You can't be like, all right, we're in a relationship and I'm going to hook up because then your relationships suck and all of your hookups are ugly secrets. The only way to be an asshole in this situation is if you cheated on your girlfriend. So you're choosing to be an asshole if you do that. Here's a question for people that have cheated. Is it more exciting to hook up with a girl knowing you're in a relationship or is it worse? Do you ask that question because you feel like it is?

I think it might be. What, that it's more of a rush if you hook up with someone you're going out with someone yeah i would never i would be i've never done it and i would be so anxious i i cheated on people all the time and there's never any you're doing it right now holy shit get off of me sucking your nipple your bo nipple there's like no, there's nothing enjoyable about it at all. When I, I was, or sorry, the enjoyable part was like penetration and coming. But like, there was never, like the enjoyable part wasn't like, she does, the enjoyable part wasn't like, I'm getting away with it.

Yeah, this is, this is illicit. Okay, this is an affair. Like that was the worst part. That was the only bad part. Yeah. The most wild runaround times has been not so much in relationships like hard relationships just kind of like loose ambiguous ones and you don't feel guilt but when you're in a relationship and you stray it's you know that's the thing that that's what you give up you give up this you

give up guilt you trade a sex for a guilt yeah and guilt doesn't feel good at all it doesn't feel good especially when you know like that person totally trusted you at that moment oh okay you're just hurting someone that you're pretending you care about yeah that thing that you kind of honored up into that point is now gone irreversibly so right so i think as soon as you're asking for permission to cheat on someone just break up with them that was a real conversation we just had with no jokes yeah that never happens with the four of us sincerely that was a real thing it was a little bit of sushi a little bit of sushi and now we're all a little tired and we don't want to do bits anymore well we should explain there was no actual

cut in the episode see if you could find it we we did stop for a sushi dinner in the last 20 minutes of the microphone broke the microphone, so we had to stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we fixed it by me sitting next to Jake so close that he can smell me. Yeah, and I'm just leaning away from you now. It's really, it's pungent. It really is. I want to, I want to, we have to go soon, but I want to end.

I think the opening theme song was one of the highlights, and I kind of want to do a closing theme song. Sure. I wish we could hear that. Oh, yeah, well, we need Jakey to get his guitar. Sorry, buddy, to make you get it again. So how do the signing off themes, is there anything specific?

No, no, no. It's the same as the opening theme. So it's anything. I should say, yeah, if you have your own theme song or question, you can send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. All right. Ben Schwartz, Thomas Middleditch.

Oh, thanks for having us on. Happy 100th episode. I can't believe it. It just happened and it's here. That's crazy, by the way. 100 episodes. Yeah. This is way faster.

It's a little more off speed. It's really passionate. No, no. Keep it real. Okay. Go. Problems? I got them And taking them here

They solve them Questions I've got them And answers I hear They solve them If I were you If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. You'd be me And I'd be you And he'd be we

This one's terrible. Yeah. I don't want that video. That's terrible. That'll just be for the podcast. Sorry. That was good. Sorry, guys.

The opening one was great. Closing one. It's my fault. The chorus is too good. I think we also ate and were more tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was sushi related. I liked them both equally. Thanks, guys, for coming on.

Bye, guys. We'll be back for episode 101, which will be our last episode. I should have mentioned that. Yeah, 101 is the end. All right. Thanks so much, guys. Bye, bye, bye, bye. It's Mike Catherwood.

And this is Dr. Drew. We are from Loveline. We're the world's longest running and best sounding advice show. Which up until last year was only available on your radio if your station carried it. But now you can listen to us when you want, when you want, where you want. Because every Loveline radio show is available as a podcast. You can ask us medical questions and hang out with cool people like Jason and Jenny Big. Daryl Strawberry.

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