Segments - 101: Bag of Poop (with Mike Schaubach)

Episode Date: September 11, 2014

Our wise friend Mike Schaubach joins us to discuss vengeance, marriage, and poop. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Not necessarily at this hotel in Manchester, but at our house. We chose the budget option. We did. The two bedroom, the two bed in this place are bunked. It's a bunked bed hotel. It's a bunk bed with a twin bed on top of it.

We have to go do the Manchester show now, but we wanted to say enjoy this episode, episode 101. Mike Schabach is on it. Awesome. We love him. You guys will too. Please enjoy. And don't worry, things got extraordinarily real as we started the second century of episodes of If I Were You. All right, here we go. F is for friends like Jake and Demir. U is for you, do you?

N is for no blasted. C's and G's and hashtagging. Here on If I Were You. Childish. Giddy, I liked it. But cute. Very. That's nice.

What, did you like that? You like that? Tell me how it works. You guys have somebody record a new intro for every episode? Mike Schabach, ladies and gentlemen. And I clearly listen to every episode of the show. You sent us in an email saying, I'm your hugest fan. Would love, love, love to be on the show.

It would be a dream come true. Listen to every single one. I totally get it. I was in his office scrubbing through episode 62 at seven speed. You couldn't hear anything. No way. Fuck, fuck, fuck. All right, I get it.

I get it. Cramming. I think, I fucking think, I don't know. They must do, yeah, we start and end every episode with a new original theme song written by our fans. That's crazy. That one was like like that was really good did they come in and like surprise you yeah some of them are amazing yeah that one was that

one was like our first one that's like uh it was by rose and ryan by the way so let's give them some credit but uh thanks rose and ryan that was awesome yeah she's got a good craigie that's what they call that a craigie what is that a female singer sings like that it's kind they call that, a craggy. What is that? A female singer sings like that. It's kind of like that bluesy, bluegrass. Well, you have a, this is, Mike, let's just explain. Mike is a coworker, a friend, a confidant, a lover. I appreciate that. What's your job? President?

I'm president. Of post-production? Yep. So whenever we edit. Oh, God, that would be great. Whenever, is that true? No, it's director of post. Director of post-production.

You deserve to be president of everything. At least post-production. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. So whenever we edit our videos, Mike's our guy. He's our boss. He's our editing boss. Am I holding this close enough?

Oh, yeah. Because you're the nicest person in the world. Yeah. Oh, you're too sweet. That voice is coming from the perfect face for that voice. Oh, you're too sweet. Yeah. And your personality can only have been...

Like, even if you're an asshole, it couldn't have lasted for long because you look and you sound like an angel. Yes. You're an an angel to us you're a doe-eyed mormon and you're our saint you're our first guest with a child yeah really the first one yeah right yeah i almost just was just like no streeter streeter's got a daughter yeah somewhere why did i say that uh yes so you must you must hear a lot of you must hear you must hear a lot of songs like that yeah it's a lot of kids it's a lot of kids things going on in my life right now a lot of uh a lot of kids shows and a lot of kids songs and you start to like it in the beginning you get bored right uh but then you start to like

listen and then when a good one comes on you're like cranking it up in the car and then suddenly you're cranking it up when your kid's not in the car really yeah you know the cd's in there sometimes i'm like i really kind of want to hear that one you know like well it's an example but you have a two-year-old son i can sing some stuff for you guys i have a two-year-old son uh but but before i sing i will say for the kids shows i've started this new game with blues clues Clues because Blue's Clues is still on, but it's old, right? So they're not making new episodes. I'm doing this thing where and I'm trying to figure out how to like make it into a community thing, but how quickly I can solve the clue.

Oh, it's like a mystery. You get three. So there's three clues. The third one, like that's for little kids. Like by the time there's three clues. That's Bush League. Yeah. I'm fucking nailing it due to two. I to god i get most of them one is really hard two

two is like okay most people could get two so i'm like really trying to practice what's an example of like you'll ruin the show for like what is blue jack i actually it's a wallet like you have no fucking idea but i pretty much know what's going on. I know what Paul's trying to say right now. And that was the other thing I noticed, too. Rebecca and I were not saying the answers to things. Like, Blue's Clues asks you. And so we were kind of holding back when I realized

Jack doesn't know he needs to yell at the TV. They're asking him to yell at the TV. So now I yell at the TV, but it sounds like I'm trumping a two-year-old. But that's a bad lesson to yell at. That's not what you want the kids to think. It's an interactive show.

Yeah, it's an interactive show. They go, what color is this? Blue. Yeah, I mean, we're turning them into like little psychopaths. Has he started yelling? No, he just calls it out. But he'll call it out after me. Like, green.

And he'll be like, green. And now he's cheating. I'm teaching him how to be a green you know and that and now he's starting he's cheating i'm teaching him how to be a cheater but no now he's starting to do it so yeah blue's clues in in in one clue that's my that's my next challenge that's that's your goal what's an example of one example okay so it's blue's birthday right april 19th and joe had to figure out what blue wanted for her birthday cake okay so Okay, so. Sorry. Shut up, dude. I'm like freaking out. First clue.

It's a shirt. Sorry. Green. That's it? Green. Money. Apple. The color green.

Apple. Dude, what a money. It's an apple. Okay. Second clue. An empty aquarium. Oh. Interesting.

Algae? Anything? No. Wait. No. Give me a second. I got got it i'll definitely get it an empty so he's like the second clue is an empty aquarium yeah and then he draws it in his little book an empty aquarium yeah empty it's empty that's dark empty aquarium what it's what yeah

what's steve like at this or was it is it joe now yeah it's it's it's steve joe was first because joe didn't want to go bald on TV, so he quit. You learn all about that kind of stuff, too. The behind-the-scenes shit. Yeah, because you want to know what happened. Everybody said he did drugs and stuff. He just wanted to go work in music. Okay.

Green, empty aquarium. Did you get it at this point? No. This was the one that I was like, wait a minute. I need to be able to get these in two. This is ridiculous. Green tank. He wanted to join the army.

Okay. Interesting. I have no idea. Okay. And the third clue was a footprint. This is what brought it all together. It was a webbed foot. Oh, is it flippers or a scuba diver or something?

Webbed foot. Green, empty aquarium, and a webbed foot. And Jackson was to fucking get this? He wanted a frog. Right? You're close. A lizard. Close.

A tadpole. Keep going. Some other amphibious creature. 45 minutes. Yes. A green amphibious creature. 45 minutes. Yes. A green amphibian. Okay, what's green? Snakes.

Would be in an empty aquarium. An empty aquarium? Right? Wouldn't have water in it. Because the water isn't needed to keep this... A lizard. A gecko. I guess this one would need water in it.

It's not a turtle? Turtle. Did you already guess that? No, you didn't. It's a frog. It's a it. It's not a turtle? Turtle. Did you already guess that? No, you didn't. Oh, it's a frog. It's a turtle. Blue wanted a turtle. Why empty aquarium?

Because, you know, the turtles need a little bit of water. Yeah, they need a little bit of water, but the clue was the aquarium. It's a terrarium, actually. When you have an empty aquarium, that's misleading. It's false. I'd like to pen a complaint. Terrarium. You should have said Terrarium.

I forgot what they called it on the show. Maybe they called it that. I'm not sure. Anyway, they went to the pet store and Blue got a turtle or whatever. A dog owns a turtle. I don't know. That's our time. And that's it.

Thanks, everybody. Hope this is not going to air. I wanted to also say real quick before we get started that you and Jack are the first father-son duo to appear on our web series. Oh, that's so funny. Fuck, of course. duo to appear on our web series. Oh, that's so funny. Fuck, of course Mike's been in our web series. Yeah, you played... Was your name Mike? My name was Mike.

For everybody that wants to see what the nicest guy in the world looks like. Yeah. And then hate his face, which is apparently what everybody did. What was the episode? Do you remember what the other one was called? Mike and Amir is one of them. There was four, right? Yeah, it was like a four-parter where Jake leaves to everybody did no what was the episode do you remember the other they're called oh god mike

and amir is one of them there was four right yeah it's like a four-parter where jake leaves to california new job or something mike and what was the name of the other character amy make an amy no was it amy the girl yeah yeah amy yeah but what was her character name oh because it was called mike and was it rebecca that was one of of them. No, I would have remembered that. Oh, yeah, because Rebecca's your wife. But Jack is the baby in Baby Bjorn. That's right. He's Baby Bjorn.

We should have him back every year. Oh, my gosh. He's not bald anymore. Like that 7-Up documentary. That's so funny. So do you know how the show works? Do you know what this is? Absolutely.

Let me explain it to you, even though you do. No, I do. It's an advice podcast. Yep. People write us emails, you know, this is let me explain it to you even though you do no i do it's an advice podcast people write us emails you know hundreds of emails say just like jeopardy if i were you yeah i would yeah we answer everything in the form of a question uh and we get money for it this is so great because i think i've listened to a few of them admittedly not not all 100 or how many are you there but i've listened to a. And I think sometimes you guys are a little reckless. I'm going to be honest with you. That's good.

Just so you know, I'm going to bring a little sincerity to this episode. He's a father. I'm a dad. I have a responsibility. Well, this is a unique episode because Mike is the person I would go to for advice. Right. If I was ever in one of these situations that our listeners find themselves in. That's too sweet.

So we're going straight to the boss. True. I can't wait. I cannot wait to hear what is troubling your beautiful and wonderful listeners. Well, we need... You should have a podcast. The questions that we can't answer on our podcast because they're too fucked up or too dark or not stupid enough, you should have a podcast that we should send to you and you could give like...

That's depressing. We're like a colander and we let all the interesting stuff fall down to the sink. You should just be there underneath us to catch it. Catch all of the angst ridden... So these are people who emailed us ifiroushow at gmail.com

I don't want to give out their real names so I'm going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Isn't that nice? Yeah. So can you, as our guest on this program, come up with a fake name for this lady who wrote an email?

As a woman? It can be anything. Yeah. Oh, wow. You're letting me get. Yeah. Star bright moonshine. That was awful.

Okay. We can't use that. I love this. That's garbage. It's really that I love this That's garbage It's really fun to see where people's minds go You come up with your own name for a person It's so beautiful and pure Star bright moonshine

Everyone's beautiful It really is like a personality test Murph went straight to naming people after rocks Yeah Murph's like magma rock And Ben Is on the show and he's, kusht and styrst. Like, something you couldn't even understand. And then we're like, star bright.

All right. I'll do hippie names. No, no, no. That's good. Don't let us filter in any way. That'll be my shtick. So star bright moonshine writes, hey, guys. So I recently went on a date with a Tinder person.

We hung out with his roommates, played drinking games, went out later, and I ended up staying over slash having sex with him, which I thought was fine because we got along really well. But the next day after I left his house, I didn't hear from him at all. After waiting the whole day to see if he would text, I sent a casual follow-up saying I had a good time, pretty standard, and he replied saying he had a good time too and that we should try and hang out sometime. I responded with a joke and he didn't respond.

I was pretty upset the whole week that he dismissed me so quickly because even if it was casual, I felt pretty used and disrespected when he didn't even bother talking to me. Unsurprisingly, the next time I heard from him was a week later, Friday night at 2 a.m. in a text that said, Hey, name. What a dick. Hey, Starbright at 2 a.m., in a text that said, hey, name, what a dick. Hey, Starbright, what a dick, right?

So I know I don't have much reason to be upset at him or to call him out for being a dick because that would get me nowhere and probably wouldn't teach him a lesson as much as that is my goal. What I really, really want to do is wait a month until he forgets about me and use this poop-sending website to send a bag of poop to his doorstep it's pretty cheap they could send a quart of poop for 24 bucks i've heard of this i think it's the right amount of revenge given the pettiness of my anger and the nature of the crime is it going too far or should i do it thanks star bright moonshine what a great question tinder what a great tinder question. Tinder for me, because I've been married since I was... Since before Facebook. Oh, yeah.

I got married in 2002. Yeah. So I missed... Wow. And I married my high school sweetheart. So not only did I miss the web dating thing, I missed dating. Yeah, you missed out on so much casual, meaningless, pointless, soul-crushing... I shouldn't say miss.

Emptiness. I shouldn't say miss. Emptiness. I didn't have the experience. You never had candy because you sat down and had a fucking 12-course nice dinner. That's exactly right. And then you blew your fucking brains out. And out came Jack. Out of your head. Out of the turkey you ate.

So I find Tinder to be very intriguing. What do you know about it as a father who doesn't? I know everything. Who only uses Tinder to hook up on the side. Jake know about it as a father who doesn't... I know everything. Who only uses Tinder to hook up on the side. Jake Hurwitz. Oh, Jake taught you about Tinder? Yeah, taught me everything and Jeff Rosenberg. Sorry, I didn't mean to rat you out there.

No, it's okay. I'm a big advocate. Have you seen people use it? Yes. Have you swiped for people? And I've used it for people. You used it for me. Men and women have handed me their phones to let me swipe.

People in relationships love swiping for single friends. Yes. They love that shit. Because it's a safe way to live vicariously through someone else. I especially like doing it for women because I can see through the guy's bullshit. And I think that that's what this email is all about, is like the bullshit that people put up with, both men and women, when it comes to Tinder because the immediacy of Tinder lends itself to

one-night stands and booty calls because basically that's what happened. They had a one-night stand, and now he's following up with a booty call. Yeah, which for him is completely normal because,, because hey, baby, we met on Tinder. What did you expect? So how should we attack this problem? Because it's two facets, right? The first one is— I feel like we're not even going to be on this show.

We're just going to listen to my friend. Everything he says is right. So clearly she has an issue with the one-night stand, and she felt like there was something more there, and he was giving the messages back that it wasn't more than just a one night stand then there's the question of sending the poop right so should we first talk about maybe some of the issues that she's having on a on maybe on a global level with with men in relationships or should we just go right to the poop and say if i were you i would send send the poop? Let's do the global one first. Let's zoom out a little bit.

Get the big picture. Yeah. Okay. So my opinion on it is if you're using Tinder, you can't go into the situation thinking you're going to marry that person. Ever. Right. If you think that, you need to delete Tinder from your phone right now.

Right. Especially if you're a woman because almost all the guys i know that use tinder use it for hookups right right so know your enemy right right the cards are stacked yeah guys aren't gonna go oh i just had 18 beers time to find a wife god i'm so fucking fucked up. I can go marry tonight. I really can. Is that girl hot? I'm going to treat her right. Just beer goggles at my wedding day.

I feel like I just want to get married or something. I just hit a grav bong and I'm ready to meet my fucking soulmate. Just someone that freaking challenges me and shit. At the very least, let me swipe on Tinder and look for someone like connects with me on a fucking every other level other than physical so this guy found this girl and they they hooked up and then she's like oh i'll send them what we're saying is that that is to be expected a shallow meaningless hook yes and that's not saying that like it's guys versus girls on tinder that's just like this is what the playing field is. It's only shallow hookups.

If you guys like having sex and if you connect, then that's great. And you can continue dating and who knows, maybe get married. That's a bonus. Yeah, bonus. Right. But we're starting from, like, less than zero. Everybody should go into it with no expectations. That's right.

That you're going to meet a troll and fuck them. Yep. And then never talk to them again. Yeah's it which is what happened not that she's a troll but she met someone and they boned right but just like you'll meet somebody that's not really going to blow you away so does this guy deserve poop and should she send him poop well wait there's one more thing about the girl oh so i think i think compounded on this issue is that maybe she is um not as sexually experienced as the guy so maybe she hasn't had sex with as many men which made this more special for her because sex is like how many times sex is like a hundred and then the more times you have you give it the less every single

one of them is worth i don't believe that at all but okay i don't know if we want to discuss this point or if you want to just keep like because i know you're making a larger point i just don't yeah i guess my point is like okay so diminishes you this is where you don't think so do you think so what does sex diminish the more partners you have if you have sex with 100 women is each one worth one i've only had sex with one person and that was yeah that's exactly right so i can't answer that question that's that's my theory and jake you're telling me that it's not true so i have to say you are the professional in this situation well you guys represent both sides of the range for this guy let me just say i love you and we're we're i think he's the best but i'm just like this is just this

is my experience where i haven't had sex with just one person and i think that i'm capable of loving just as much as if i had been with less people. Sure. So you're saying in this situation, then, it was probably not that great for the guy. Well, I guess I'm just... And that's why he was sort of hands off with her. My theory is that... Because if he fell in love with her, he would have texted her right back.

I just think it's always easier for guys to have sex and be like, that was one thing that happened. Now for guys to have sex and be like that was one thing that happened now i want to have sex with somebody else and for women i think more often they'll have sex and they'll have a good time and a good experience and say i would like to do that with that person again the emotional connection but a guy is there we're more into like quantity than quality yeah it's like oh that was good with that. Let's see if it's good with another person. There's not as much return. And I think the problem is that she took that to feel used.

When she had a one-night stand with him, too, she used him. That's interesting. It's a two-way street. I think she could look into her soul and be like, you know what? That didn't mean a lot to me, either. Whatever. Fuck this guy. But it did mean a lot to her. It didn't mean a lot to her. She's saying she felt used because he was sort of i he did he sounds like a dick he's like not being communicative

after oh and then i'm an asshole and even i would do that yeah you know you you've done that before you like slept with someone and then like you've given him a little and then you like you said fade away yeah but that's this this dude was a very hard fade it was that was one text he didn't send a single text. He did. He responded to the first text. Then she made a joke. That's what I'm saying.

He didn't send the courtesy text, which he should have. Do you always send the courtesy text? Yeah. You always do, regardless of how well it went? The same day, the next day? Always, yeah. Next day, same day? What if she just wants to chat all day like this girl wanted to?

Then I would fade it away. Then I would be like, oh, this is... Slower and slower response time. And then would you have booty called her next weekend at 2 a. Then I would fade it away. Then I would be like, oh, this is... Slower and slower response time. And then would you have booty called her next weekend at 2 a.m.? I don't know. I never really sent those booty call texts. I would try to line stuff up way earlier than, like... The desperate late at night.

Oh, shit. Nobody's, like... The thing that you have to realize about a booty call is, like, I guess sometimes it works, but nobody's fucking you at 2 a.m. Like, it's so clear to see through that interesting i think like you have to be like all right it's saturday afternoon i know i won't have sex tonight here's like the things i'm going to do or i'm going to commit to going to a bar and trying to meet somebody new but you can't go to a bar try to meet someone new fail and then text somebody that you fucked two weeks ago at 4 a.m and be like, how's it going?

And they're like, what are you doing? Yes, but what if you're really horny and you have a boner? Then you could, right? Yeah, but then it's like... I think he was just... I was going to answer that too. I'm sorry.

No, because I want to segue. Yeah, no, if you're horny and you have a boner. We have people to help. We have people to help. So I want to segue what you're saying, Jake, into, I think, my opinion on if she should send. I feel like we're on your podcast. I really do.

If she should send. Everybody just, yeah, get in line here. If she should send the poop. I think sending poop is funny. I think there's better people to send poop to. I think poop is funny. Amir, you were in my movie called Poop, and I really appreciate that. That's why I sort of chose this question.

This is great. I think that the best thing she can do is move on from this guy the the real way to get him is completely forget about him yeah don't waste any how much money did she 24 bucks for a court it's ridiculous because you're gonna order that poop wonder when it's coming pun intended on shitload oh yeah did i say shitload oh shitload yeah you Did I say shitload? Mm-hmm. Oh, shitload. Yeah. You're going to... All right. But you're going to...

So pun not intended. But you're going to stress and keep this guy in your life because you're going to track the shipment. You're going to wonder what he thought when he opened it. Then you're going to want to know if he knew who sent it. You're just going to keep wondering about this guy when you should forget about it. You have to think about it as a currency. What have I already spent on this guy?

I've given him my vagina and a week's worth of worrying. I'm also going to drop $24 on him. What kind of shit is this website? It's not human feces, is it? I think it's food safe poop. Yeah, I think it's something you can eat. No, I don't know. Food safe.

Food safe. It is potable. It is edible. I'm sure it comes from Russia. I'm sure it's not legal. I'm sure there's a lot of it's 100 human shit yeah it's just it's bad like you can save money by just dropping off a bag of shit at this guy's door yeah it can be your shit why let's cut out the middleman

at the very least i advise you to save your money and shit on his doorstep they hooked up at his place so she knows his address got it yeah she should really she should just stalk him until until he marries her if she's not gonna think this is an itch that needs to be scratched though like what is it like if she needs to get him out of her out of his head and she just wants to do something like egg his car yeah just like something mildly aggressive just so he like she knows that he's like annoyed i don't know that's kind of fun. I like it. A nice casual egg. Okay. But annoyed. Doesn't that give him the upper hand?

Imagine getting a package and being excited about the package. Because we're all excited about packages. Right. And you open up the package. You're this guy, right? You're this guy. Yeah. No idea.

This girl's like number 364 on your to-do list. Wow. Right? You probably don't even remember texting her you were so wasted this shit shows up what do you think is he it's anonymous it's anonymous that's exactly right so is he gonna go oh that girl no yep and you know what i deserve this i think she just wants to know he's gonna go this is disgusting she wants to ruin her she wants to ruin his day that's's what she wants. I see. But I actually think that the poop showing up on your doorstep is a funny enough story that it doesn't ruin his day.

It makes his day. He'll laugh and tell people. He'll laugh. It'll be a conversation piece. He'll keep it around. And he'll use it to hook up with somebody else. Yeah. I think you just have to let time run its course on this guy because he's not going to be able to hook up with people forever. Or there's going to be some girl that breaks his heart.

Karma is real. Yeah. I mean, if he booty falls her again she should just respond with like fuck off and then he'll know or what about say yeah i'll come over and then she never comes over that's funny that's true yeah you could leave him hanging like that but i really think living well is the best revenge and if not then a bag of poop is the best for you and that's the tagline for the website a bag of poop is the second best revenge if you're not living well and you're not because you're on a poop shipping website for crying out loud people uh i'm excited that was good i think we changed your life that was good the rush now yeah star bright moonshine baby hey guys oh we need another guy's name this is um edward horse saddle i went western i don't know i don't know where i went with that your eyes got so wide yeah yeah i was i was gone i went i channeled i go channeled

something there's sand on your shoulder right now like you would just emerge from a real dream all right ready yeah edward writes hey guys so my girlfriend of six months or so broke up with me recently. It's almost her birthday, and before she finished with me, I got her a 50-pound iTunes voucher and a lot of Yankee candles. I'm wondering if I should give her the gift or be a total diva and sell it slash keep it for myself. P.S. Lost the receipt, so I can't take it back. Lots of love,

Edward Horsettle. Well, I'll tell you a story. So I dated my wife in high school and then she was a year younger than me and I was a senior and I was like,

okay, well, I'm going off to college. I got to get rid of this high school chick so I'm ready for college women. And so I dumped her and it was like

three days before my birthday. July 22nd? July, yeah, three days before July 24th. Something like that. I'm an asshole, okay? So I dumped her. And she had purchased all of these birthday presents for me,

and she brought every single one of them back. Wait, to you or to your children? She brought them back to the store. Good for her. So I've experienced this, and she did that. And she brings it up to this day. She keeps reminding me all those fun things that she had. So I've experienced this, and she did that. And she brings it up to this day. She keeps reminding me all those fun things that she had. I don't remember what it was.

I was into golf. It was about that. I think this guy should keep him. Yeah, what is he going to do? He can't give it to her. That's weird. He's going to come off creepy. Yeah, definitely don't give it to her.

It's clear to me that... What is a lot of Yankee candles? Can we just spend a moment on that? Can I just mention that's not a good gift? I got her a lot of of Yankee candles? Can we just spend a moment on that? Can I just mention that's not a good gift? I got her a lot of fucking Yankee candles. Good for her. She really dodged a bullet. I gave her the most generic gift you can give someone,

a 50-pound iTunes voucher, which means you know nothing about her. Nothing. Here's media. You didn't even get her an album. $50 worth of shit you can download for free. How many Yankee candles is that? Let's say shit that's going to take up storage on your computer that you don't want.

So many Yankee candles. And 11 candles. And that's just, wow. I'm sorry to put this guy in blast for gift shopping, but that's legit not good. Unless she's into candles. I mean, I can see that. Nobody's into candles. Nobody's into candles so much that they want a lot from Yankee.

I can see like, oh, I like candles and there's like a one scent that i enjoy it sounds it sounds like he like mattering yankee yeah it sounds like he likes the candles he was hoping that she'd break up with him and oh i'm single so i might just be a diva have a little day run a bath i don't know light all the candles at once wait isn't that the receipt right there you said you lost the receipt no it lost the receipt. No, that's for something else. I guess I got to keep them. This guy's house burns down with all the candles. It smells amazing. People go to fight the fire, but they're like, ah, shit.

Is that watermelon or vanilla bean? Pomegranate. Don't put it out, you fool. Charred corpse. My nostrils. So... Yeah, keep it. Keep it. That's easy. Charred corpse. My nostrils. So... Yeah, keep it. Keep it.

That's easy. I mean, he doesn't want to be a creep. He's a creep if he gave it to her. That's too many candles to give somebody. That broke up with you. Even when you're in a relationship, that's too many. It seems... The best thing you can do when someone breaks up with you is pretend like you don't care

until you don't. Yeah. So if you still give him a gift, it's weak. That's right. You're showing weakness. especially if she broke up with him yeah and it's like oh i'm not over you yeah it's like oh but i gave you 68 dollars yeah she's not gonna yeah yeah or whatever the candles are expensive i don't know this dude broke the bank he could have dropped 100 pounds on her yeah 100 pounds i'm using them. Yeah, it's good. We have a lot of English fans.

It's where the U.N.'s Western, because this guy's from England. Although Edward Horsesaddle sounds like... Yeah, it sounds pretty British. Yeah, I gave him a Western name. All right, let's save another life. Shall we? Yeah. I love that we call it saving lives now.

We're saving lives. Absolutely. Baby. Baby. All right. Ooh're saving lives. Absolutely. Baby. All right. Ooh, another girl. Christy Housefly. The fly writes,

Hey guys, so I met a guy on Tinder. Things were going well and we moved it to text. Then after we agreed to meet in person, he tells me he has a podcast. Obviously, I had to investigate, and my verdict is, it sucks. I hate his voice, and the content is boring. I don't mean his voice like his style of comedy, but like the actual quality of his voice irritates me. Should I still go out with him? Well, no.

No? Why? Unless he's so handsome, you can just tell him not to speak. Okay, well, you know what? The question goes on. Let's see if this gives us more details. We got along pretty well before I discovered his Amateur Hour podcast. Maybe it's not fair to judge him solely on this one thing.

On the other hand, it is just a candid pop culture commentary podcast, so I feel like it's probably a good indicator of who he is in person. If I don't go out with him, how do I tell him I'm no longer interested without telling him his podcast sucks? All right. Can you love someone whose podcast you hate? Let me try to take this. I'm going to do the first answer, first pass, because I think you'll be able to tell me if I'm right or wrong.

All right? Yeah. So one, I will say I believe that in the beginning of a relationship, she should feel smitten and adore everything that he does. If she is like immediately irritated by his voice, that's already not a good sign. The animal inside your body is telling you that you're not compatible. You're not attracted to this guy. Second thing, I will just say in defense of his podcast, that if he's just starting out, that's okay. He might get better. He might find his stride and his podcast might become better. I think it's

cool that he's like taking an artistic risk thirdly if you're not feeling him you can break up with him just for the sake of breaking up with him you don't have to say because i listened to your podcast but she's she just she agreed to meet with him and then she's just going to change her mind on a dime and not explain yeah Yeah. Yeah, it's Tinder. You can do that. Absolutely. The other way to think about it is, are you done? Yeah, that was my three-pronged.

The other way to think about it is— We're just going to do his, and then you tell us which one of us was right. Okay, good. I like this. What can you lose in going out with him? At worst, you waste a night, but you validate your doubts. At best, he turns your opinion around, and you go out on more dates and maybe get married. So the worst is where you already are, and there's only upside.

It's just one date. A night's a big thing to waste. That's all I'll say. Of course. And if I could rebut, because Jake had the last word, and I don't think that's fair. I didn't have the last word. A knight? I don't want to fight in front of children.

Children. We look so nice today. And I don't think that- I already complimented his pants, so don't even go there. And I complimented his body. I said he's lost a lot of weight. He did. He has.

He's lost 15 pounds. Of course. I know. We talk exercise. We talk workout. He went from a size 34 to a size 32. So I have my rebuttal. If you-

You absolutely have to have the last word. I don't have to have the last word. And I think my argument is sound enough that I don't. All right, go ahead. Okay, here we go. A knight is not a huge deal to waste if the potential is finding a future mate. All right. How was that?

And now I'll pick. Okay. Because I think you both bring up a valid argument. Who brings up the more valid argument? I think it has a lot to do with this girl. I'd be shocked if you chose Jake. All right, let's go. And her value system.

Heartbroken, too. She definitely doesn't have to tell him his podcast is bad, no matter what she does. One thing that I say. Of course, and I didn't even bring that up. It's not even an issue. But a night is just a night. And she's the girl, so she's going to get a meal out of this.

Free meal. Right? Yeah. She's going to get a meal and maybe some drinks. So? So what? What? Dude.

Somebody whose company she doesn't enjoy. I guess that's fun. Yeah. Go's going to get a meal and maybe some drinks. So? So what, dude? Somebody who's coming she doesn't enjoy. I guess that's fun. Yeah. Go ahead. Marriage is a... Everything is... Choose me officially, because as of right now, I just feel like you're leaning towards it. I'm your first married guest.

Let me just... Let me try to intertwine a marriage, a stage-like marriage advice into this. Okay. Marriage is a long road that's there's lots of wonderful things that happen in a marriage and they're great but marriages are also very hard full of compromise and at the end of the day everything cute everything that you guys did when you were dating is completely stripped away and you are literally standing in front of each other bare bones you're seeing the real human like you can't bs i've been married for 12 years you can't bs for 12 years rebecca

has seen the worst of me uh so if she's already like finding his voice annoying it ain't gonna happen because like or she's already there she could she's already there just what i said i know but maybe she's already there his podcast and turn that around but she can't change the tone of his voice which is the which is the thing that she's finding most annoying about him the the way he speaks which is how people in a relationship communicate and with nude pictures. Of course. But it's just a night. God, you guys, you made this hard on me. It is tough. You actually do have a hard on me.

I will say this. Okay, I'm going to go for it. I will say Amir's right. Bullshit. Oh, sorry. I thought you said Jake. Because a night is just a night. She's going to get a free meal.

And sometimes when people do podcasts, they put on a voice. So maybe that's his podcast voice. Even if it's a 1% chance, it's worth that risk. What else is she going to do? Say yes to life. Go meet somebody new.

I just think you should look into your heart and... You're talking to Mike or her now? I really think she should look into her heart. Think back on all the times you trusted your gut and how many times you were right. And I think you'll find almost 100% of the time your gut is right. I think me and Mike might have convinced you. Would you change your mind right now? It is just worth one night?

Free meal? Free meal? Cocktail? I don't know. A night is a big thing. No, it's not. It's two hours. It's not even a whole night. I don't know a night is a big thing no it's not it's two hours it's not even a whole night I don't think I entirely

understand their relationship I thought they had already met and then she listened to the podcast no they just talked or chatted over tinder and before they met

she heard the podcast oh I can't wait to hear about this date I hope she goes on it please follow up what did I call her uh housefly

housefly please please follow up with an email and tell us about the date go out on the date and let us know how it was you can go out that's an incentive to go on because then we can call in and tell us about the date what's the tv show that used to be on where they go on a date and then they all voted back in the 80s the love connection love connection yeah like that and come back after the date and tell us about it so if you go on the date let us know email us uh us, and we'll have you call in.

We can talk. This is so exciting. We can chat. Maybe Mike will come back. We'll interview her. What a joy. Let's take a breaky-poo. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Let's talk more about marriage since we've never had someone with such experience in wedded. Wedded bliss. Not only are you married, but you are a, you're, what is it called? You're in, okay, hold on, I'll get it.

You're faithful. No, you're, what is it when you can marry people? Ordained. I'm ordained, yeah. I've married two couples. Three couples. Three. One divorced.

That's not bad, though. That was my first one. Still below the national average. Yeah, still below the national average. And then I married my cousin. My cousin and his wife. I told everybody I was marrying my cousins. I thought that was funny.

And then I just married my best in uh just up on the hill actually at the japanese restaurant so tell me if you think this is true i don't i've never been married but would you say this is accurate when you first meet someone you're on your best behavior yes that's the best version of yourself best you're like motherfucking never loved us i'm trying to project this is the 100 the best person i can be yes and you keep that going for as long as possible yes after a certain amount of years uh you know you start farting in front of the other person well and that's yeah for me it's days but you start doing the other thing that you've been hiding doing behind the back of the

person and then within i don't know x amount years, how long does it take for you to be like you are when you're single in front of her? Oh, God. Like just you, the real you. Yeah, the real you. Well, I mean, for me, she saw that before we were even married because we dated for five years before we even are. You can't keep up the ruse for that long, right? No, you can't. I mean, it's impossible. You turn into a a crazy person i feel like you're talking about two different

things things that are like that are disgusting like picking your nose and farting and i'm talking about like but then but then like the realer shit is like oh i told you that i had uh that i like was attracted to a girl who had a career, but I'm actually attracted to a girl who's going to raise my kids. Right. Lies. That's like, oh, our relationship is fundamentally flawed now. But then the other thing is like, okay, I don't mind watching you pick your butt. Or like at first in the relationship, you love, like,

where do you want to go eat? What do you want to do? I want to do everything for you. And then it's like, oh, I want to do some of my stuff oh i don't care stop yeah and that's like the classic oh you never do anything nice for me anymore thing statistically they say that the honeymoon's over after three years for a marriage most marriages end that we're then are not going to make it after three years and that's such a short amount of time of a marriage so like when you're making your decision you're're basing it on 2% sample size.

Because the next 50 years are just who you want to, I don't know, what's the most important thing. But you also, I think you also transform for the person too. There are things that they don't like about you that in order to stay with them, you change in yourself. So you do, in a way, become a better person because you become a married person, and a married person shares everything, right?

And you don't do that when you're single. But yeah, like the gross stuff, that happened for me very quickly. We were in high school, so I mean, we'd fart in front of each other and stuff like that. But yeah, like big-time stuff after three years, definitely. I mean, I'm 12 years in now. Like, I don't know. I can't think of anything she hasn't seen or heard out of me.

You know? You're not hiding anything. Nothing. Well, it helps that you're like a good person through and through. Well, that's very sweet. You have no demons to hide. I mean, I have bodies stacked in the basement, but it's better that she doesn't know about you kill people yeah right it's fucking charming yeah you like slice smiley faces into their fucking skin uh oh my god here's a question

let's say i meet a girl today how long will i have to be with her for her to know me better than my best friends that i've been friends with for 10, 15 years. Oh, gosh. Like, does Rebecca know you more than any friend you've ever had? Yeah. I think so. So, like, if I meet someone now, this girl has, this girl's at a 15-year disadvantage. It honestly depends on what kind of girl she is. If she's very possessive, just a year.

Oh, she'll know me more than any other my guy friends that I've known. At least the context is always so different. Like, you spending time with a in a relationship you're doing things that you would not be doing with friends that's right like you're like actively trying to learn and communicate with friends we're sort of more like passively entertaining each other right relationship you're like fucking right like you're seeing each other naked and like crying. Right. You do a lot more intimate things, but maybe they don't know you in exactly the same context

because like they're not doing your inside jokes and the things that you like find important with your friends, but then your friends aren't, well, I don't know. I'm fucking an idiot. Mike's the married one. Sorry, Brad. No, you're absolutely right. And a good marriage, you have separate experiences.

You have separate friends, and you're going off and doing things separately. And then you share those experiences, but you're not having everything with them. Okay, so I'll say that. Not living together two years, if you live together in one year, she's going to know you better than your best friends. Wow. She might not. It depends on how much you're willing to share, too.

Because there might be that story that you're not willing to give up. Of course. Right? So in that case, there's a tipping point. There's that one story. There's that one girlfriend you haven't brought up yet or whatever that one thing is. But the moment you tell her that, then she knows you the best. What about phone voice?

Phone voice? As an example of putting on airs. When you're in a new relationship, if someone calls me, I'd be like, Oh, hey, hey, how are you? Yeah, yeah. And it's like, whoa, why is Amir talking like that? But then by the 12-year mark, if Rebecca calls you or your buddy calls you, will it sound the same on your end? No.

I have a phone voice for Rebecca because I always like to bring a positive attitude to the marriage. And I feel like the way you present yourself, the facial expression in the morning, maybe when you're a little hungover or whatever, it's pointless to just kind of come out all grumpy and blurry-eyed. So I'm always trying to be happy and cheery and positive and even on the phone hi honey yeah that sounds great just keep it going right keep it but if it's your friend

you're just like yeah thing right yeah hey what's going on hey what's up because all my friends are matthew mcconaughey all right all right all right all right all right would you say your friendships are less but yeah it's not fake you're just you take less maintenance it's like you're doing them a favor because now at you know when you're in a marriage you're sharing your life and you're sharing all the hardships so there is enough like bullshit in the world that just attacks you on a daily basis your home is your safe place and make that the happiest place possible and when you're not happy don't fake it but like if you're if you're neutral take it up a couple clicks throw a smile on complimentos give a little kiss on the cheek this is this is my talking to jack and his

fucking wasted wandering around his room when is when is jack gonna have a little sister i feel like she really he really deserves a little sister so that you got an email from my mom oh god and you know if you have another baby it's not gonna be another boy right is that statistically is that right no i just can't see jack having a little brother he's gonna have a little sister you gotta have a sister wouldn't that be sweet he'd be the best older brother right i don't know am i getting baby fever a little i guess i wanted the kid so i'm happy about it i convinced her that's good though rebecca nobody wants kids i did i did when i was 27 wow because i'm from the midwest so all my friends were having kids when i was 27 i

started to really start to my talk my clock was ticking wow but i like, let's have a kid. Every single year. A year until four or five years. But I'm glad we waited. We were married ten years before we had a kid. I highly recommend that. Have a marriage. Now, some people, especially kids these days, are getting married so much later now.

But yeah, pay attention to the clock. But if you have time, be married without children as long as you possibly can. Because once you have kids, game over. Yeah, because they turn you into something different. You're no longer the single married couple. Right. Now we're like just making the kid happen.

And what's also nice, too, is a lot of divorces happen after the kid goes to college. Because in those cases, sometimes, I'm not going to do a blanket statement, but people have the kid right away. And so they've never had their mommy and daddy time. And so when the kid's gone, what they realize is they built their entire marriage around the kid. So when the kid's gone, their reason for being married is gone.

So what's great about having the marriage before the kid is that when the kid leaves, you just fall back into the marriage you had before you had the kid is that why people have multiple kids because it's like oh you're you have a two-year-old now you're like i miss having a baby that's it so you just that's what i'm feeling right now you want to like restart he's growing up every single day and like just becoming a big boy and like i really missed like holding him and like cradling him and you know feeding him a bottle and yeah i can see you doing that with sarah that would be his little sister's name jack and sarah yeah it's rebecca's middle name maybe

no we actually already have a girl name picked out uh-huh what is it molly i can tell you i don't care oh molly molly it's rebecca's grandmother's name starlight moonbeam starlight moonbeam i'm dying are we gonna save another life let's do one more before you have to go. Okay. And not that you have to go, but we are telling you you have to go. I do need to go, yes. Okay. You said you were in a meeting and you left for like, you said, hold on, I have to run to the bathroom. And then you walked into here and it's been over 50 minutes.

People are just waiting for you, twiddling their thumbs in the office room. Yeah, I actually started a thought. Yeah. You're like, you know what, guys? Can you just hold on one second? I just have to go outside and and burp and then you left and you just started this podcast exactly they're just waiting for me uh can you give me one more guy's name guy's name is uh christopher sunnyside what a fun name i'm chris sunnyside and he writes so i've been going steady with this great girl for about six months. It's all been really great.

Recently, she broke her iPhone. She hatched a plan to go in and joke flirt with an Apple genius to try to get her phone fixed for free. It was just a funny joke at first, but this Apple store guy put his number in her phone and followed her on all forms of social media because she's just so nice and she accepted all the requests. Now they're texting back and forth all day, it seems. He's 20-something and she's 17. He's a homeschooled ex-heroin addict. Not gonna lie, he's not exactly horrible looking. I talked to her about it and she said she's trying to just be friendly, but it's still weird. Should I be afraid that my girlfriend is going to leave me for this Apple Store guy? Or should I just trust that she's being nice?

Or is there another option entirely? I would love your advice. Thanks, Chris Sunnyside. Threesome. Shit. You finally got a girlfriend. You finally got a girlfriend. Worth wishing he gave bad advice.

This is a sticky situation. You'll know after a threesome you'll know yeah if he did heroin or not yeah yeah he's got that heroin dick that syringe you'll know as soon as she agrees to have that yeah yeah yeah exactly it's tough because you don't want to be the jealous guy that's like stop texting this guy but then it's like maybe stop texting this guy there is like there's something so unattractive about jealousy And I think there's always The danger of him Prodding this relationship along More than his girlfriend would

If he's jealous Then it gets in that girl's head And she's like oh this is sort of like Why is he jealous maybe there is something here Maybe I'm with this fucking loser Who gets envious so easily And I should be with this Ex-heroin dealer who

really overcame adversity and got a good job at the really good guy yeah if he could fix my phone imagine what uh what else he could fix i mean he did probably one of the hardest things ever which is kick heroin yeah and i'm not gonna lie he's not horrible looking yeah that means the dude's a goddamn smoke show she's she's flattered because he's older. She's still in high school. Flattered flirting. She probably thinks this is funny. But it is like, what do you... I don't know.

I think that is like a weird situation. Because you... I would say, leave it alone. Don't do anything. But then what if he's just like, behind his back, this relationship grows and fosters a... You don't want to be a cuckold. Well, this is my thing with like the meddling. A of him this is like the meddling thing i'm like if your relationship is strong then nothing can break it even the sex heroin addict do you just trust it that's not true i like

relationships can be strong and then be meddled with oh but to the point where it'll ruin the relationship can you imagine being in such a great relationship that there's a guy out there that can steal your girl from you i can't imagine being in such a great relationship that there's a guy out there that can steal your girl from you i can't imagine being in such a great relationship that there is but i can imagine him being in one that's like comfortable and good and fine and gonna last and then some weird little meddler comes in and he's like hey look at me look at me and then like the people i don't know i just think it's fucked but like you have what do you think about meddling? I can't like.

I hate meddling. Some of the skeeziest guys have taken girls away from me. I hate it. And I said you had one girlfriend. Renaissance guys, carnival guys. This is all Rebecca too. No, I met Rebecca my senior year in high school. So I had some girlfriends before her.

But if some guy was meddling with Rebecca, what would you do? I hate, I hate. Well. I'm sure she gets hit on. No on she's been with you for 15 years she probably wouldn't say it I always said that he was a meddler but a guy in college

he was starting to move in on her Mikey Meddler Middleson and I had to we had conversations about it but I didn't go crazy she could listen to this and be like you were crazy but I don't go crazy. I don't think – you could listen to this and be like, you were crazy, but I don't think I was. I just punched a wall.

You know, I think any way you put it, this relationship is probably over because – Whoa. Listen, he's a jealous person, so that means he needs to be with somebody who understands jealousy is maybe just as jealous as him. Or as soon as he's jealous, like shut down whatever it is making him jealous. That's the kind of person he needs to be with. This guy doesn't sound that jealous. Well. He's just like this.

My girlfriend's flirting with this guy. Okay, so what you're saying is he's having just a normal reaction to my 17-year-old girlfriend. We get some like serious jealousy. I don't want my girlfriend to go to a party because she might meet someone like that level. Oh, God. That's crazy. Yeah. That's insane.

But I think this guy is like he was down for the girl to try to flirt with the guy to get the get her phone yeah then that that part was a little weird and but i mean like now it's i think i think it's gone too far i feel like you're justified in saying something uh and she's justified in i think you just have to say without any expectation you're just like yeah look, I thought this was funny, not that you guys were going to be texting. I'm not cool with this. So either you stop or I'm not going to.

Is that fair to say? Yeah. For a guy? Absolutely. Does that make him a jealous creepo? It makes him jealous but not a creepo because I would react the same way and I don't think that I'm a creepo. Maybe I am. I don't know. I think the the only problem ever comes when like if he goes up to her and he's like you have to stop texting this guy i won't stand for it right yeah like

just be honest with what like you don't have to be fake strong when you say it why don't you just go be like this is making me really upset it's making me uncomfortable it's making me feel insecure i don't like the way it makes me feel and if you're going to keep doing it then i think you don't treat me well and i don't think i should be with you that sounds logical i agree with that he's staring at me because i don't know what you're gonna say this whole thing about the guy with the podcast voice because i really think i think i can tell you on my answer. What about stealing her phone, setting up a date, and then when he either beat this guy up. Oh, like setting up a sting operation?

Yeah, a sting operation. Or just having him show up and she's not there. Or what if you're like, all right, if you trust this guy, why don't you ask him out and see if he still dates you? And then if he wants you to go out on a date, you'll believe me. See, he's trying to fucking break us up. Well, no, she knows that he's trying to like, Of course, she's flattered.

She's just being like, I'm trying to be friendly. I don't want to ignore the guy. But I'm sure she's aware that he's trying to fucking break us up she knows that he's trying he's trying to like she's just being like i'm trying to be friendly i don't want to ignore the guy but i'm sure she's aware that he's like did he fix the phone for free because that's like what a couple hundred bucks right there right yeah that's pretty i mean they need to watch indecent proposal so like how woody harrelson demi more james khan no james khan's in the in the other one nick cage one who was the guy in that anyway you know he lost at the poker oh he offered his wife at the poker table yeah and he's like for a million dollars can i just sleep with your wife yeah robert redford oh and so how did it go what happened well does she probably just falls in love with the guy that offered well yeah she did

it got real it got real oh because like they slept one night it's like one night together they took the money and then their marriage was like a wreck and then i don't know how that one ended um i always like to combine that one and honeymoon in vegas so in honeymoon in vegas james conn turns out to be kind of a creep and then he has to go get um sarah jessica parker nicholas cage and he becomes a fly he becomes a pair they should just combine the movies yeah because like Indecent Proposal has nudity yeah

which is awesome yeah this guy's girlfriend watching with the apples Honeymoon in Vegas Honeymoon in Vegas has the best ending

so combine those watch that with her and just see how she feels about it honestly honestly like this is a real this is real

get Indecent Proposal and watch that together don't say anything. Just be like, oh, I heard this is a really good movie with Woody Harrelson and Jimmy Moore. Robert Redford. So would you fuck that guy for a million bucks? I think you should walk into the Apple store and just pick up an iPad and be like, so what's the deal with this? Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Smash it to pieces on the counter. You text my girlfriend again, That's your face, dude. Sir, you owe me $499. Actually, that was a 64 gig. You're a heroin. You homeschool junkie. I don't do heroin. I'm pretty into clap making.

What does this school have to do with any of this? How does he have so much detail on this guy? Yeah, the school, because that's how jealous he is. He's just learning everything about him. He's so jealous that everything about this dude is disparaging. He like he's like fucking 20 he's texting a 17 year old he's an ex-heroin addict homeschool loser we're not gonna lie he's actually fucking hot that's it too he's like he's feeling a little inadequate i think yeah he's definitely got black or brown hair and blue eyes yeah yeah yeah yeah much like you five eight yeah five eight's not very tall. 162 and a half.

You're just describing yourself. You piece of shit. Pink shirt. I would be nervous. Any girl should want Mike Schaubach. I'll tell you what. Too sweet. Too sweet.

That's it. How'd you like that, Mike? That was fun. I think this is good. We always say that these episodes get real, but this was a really real one. I appreciate that. I would love to have Mike back. M.D. Mike, dude. Oh, I would love it. I appreciate that. I would love to have Mike back. MD Mike, dude.

Oh, I would love it. Dr. Mike. Do you want to plug anything by any chance? I have nothing to plug. People do listen to this. They do. So what about your movies? Is there a place people can watch it?

Yeah, they can go on YouTube, search poop. Actually, the best way to find it is if you search on YouTube, poop, Amir Blumenfeld. Because Amir's got such a presence on YouTube. That's the easiest way to find it, Amir Blumenfeld. Because Amir's got such a presence on YouTube. That's the easiest way to find it. Amir Blumenfeld, poop. It was a short film that you wrote and directed.

Amir was nice enough to be in it. Yeah, it was a lot of fun to make. You actually never ended up, we'll talk about this later, but you never ended up paying for me for that. Yeah, I, yeah. You said. No, I did.

I think I did. You did, but not my full day rate. You said, here's a couple hundred for now. And I said, okay, so I need 1,500 a day. You said. No, I did. I think I did. You did, but not my full day rate. You said, here's a couple hundred for now. And then I said, okay, so I need 1,500 a day. So much money. And then you're like, I don't know if my LLC has that quite yet. I'm like, okay, let's revisit this conversation. That's exactly right.

I said, rain check. And then you said, yeah. And then. And you said I had a son to raise. And you said, I don't give a fuck about your family. I don't want my fucking day rate. I need another $600 or I delete the footage. The source material.

And if you guys have your own questions that you want us to try to answer, probably without Mike, unfortunately, send that to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Also, if you have your own theme song or thumbnails for the podcast, send those over too. The opening one was written by Rose and Ryan. Remember that classic kids ditty? And this last one was written by Justin Conclave

And he wanted me to pimp out his YouTube channel Or his Something else called Sketch Films for Life So thanks Justin Thanks Rosen Ryan Thanks Mike Thanks And we'll be back soon

Later guys Thanks. And we'll be back locally. Hopefully, they can help you do you. Make you see. Plus, their advice is free. Guaranteed. Cause you know how much you love it when you listen to their voices. Trying to make some life choices. Coming from the studio or Jake's dad's shed. Making you laugh and fed. This show is hashtag dope.

Even said by the Pope. Taking jokes too far. Told us Jake loves his porn star. I'm here as a cool nerd. His voice shall be heard. See the fucking cheese, please, if I were you. The fucking show. Ha!

Hashtag dope. Ha ha! You guys are the best. It's Mike Catherwood. And this is Dr. Drew. We are from Loveline. We're the world's longest running and best sounding advice show. Which up until last year was only available on your radio, if your station carried it.

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