Segments - 102: Plane Crash

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

In this episode we discuss dirty texts, safe sex, and peace in the Middle East. This episode is brought to you Ting.com for lower cell phone bills, and Stamps.com for post office avoidance. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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We still kept it real, but it was back stateside. Enjoy. You don't always have to ask questions. You don't always have to ask questions you don't always have to know the answer sometimes you just show up at the party and you let the you go with the flow oh yeah that's where that phrase it's a little song i made up it's called go with the flow go with the flow oh oh go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow.

Go with the flow. Sorry, so it's for a 15 to 18-year-old and a 17. Am I too old for the party? If I go, should I go alone or with friends? Is that fine? I went to a party before and I saw a girl that I knew there. And I just freaked out. So I sat down for an hour and a half and then my mom came and got me.

I'm really looking forward to this party. Tell me if I should go. Whoa. All right. You wrote that. I think that was all me. I don't see how he inserted any of himself into that. All for real it was yeah i i came up that was all me uh i got big that was all me no help actually it was all me but all me for real he auto-tuned your voice and made music i have perfect pitch this has

been discussed it has been proven perfect. Perfect pinch. The perfect pinch. That guy's name was Vood Voozella. He has a YouTube channel. It's like Voo Voozella, but there's a D. Vood Voozella. Nice. A lot of talented artists out there. Here's a tip from me.

Don't make your name hard to pronounce. Vood Voozella? Yeah, that's just hard. Nobody will know. Eight out of ten people won't spell that correctly. What's the most famous band with a really hard to pronounce name or spell name? Well, think about really famous bands. Oh, I guess Beatles is kind of hard to pronounce because they spell it.

But that's just one little joke. Right. But like U2, that's great. It's a letter and a number. Coldplay. Two really easy words nobody is voodoo zella nobody is whatever the like music saff.com beyonce yeah these are a little tough yeah but it's quick and it's easy and it's painless okay uh how about jay-z that's impossible to spell

because you have to spell out j and then just write the letter Z. That's confusing. A lot of people will just write a J and write a Z. That's fine, too. Or J-A-Y-Z-E-E. No. It's J, like Blue Jay, and then Z, like World War Z. With a hyphen. I don't know.

Actually, get at me, Jay-Z. I'm sure he always introduces himself to people as J, like Blue Jay, and and Z like, you know, World War Z. That movie. Bradley Pitt. Bradlyn Pittst. So this is welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. And anyone, I guess you host it. I'm sort of a guest.

Yeah. I've been a guest on every episode except for one. Yeah, this is your 101st episode. Love that. This is our first episode in a while without guests we can finally fucking relax i know without talking to other people yes i love you it's just us here yeah actually there is a guest but you didn't let him in kobe's outside he's twiddling his thumbs on the fucking corner he's dribbling a ball he's actually pretty good at dribbling Keep up with that He went under his legs

Did you see that? He's going really low to the ground He kicked it, he lost it across the street He's running, it hit the curve And it just sort of got away from him Rolling down the whole entire hill It's gaining speed Oh Kobe Shit So how does it work? rolling down the whole entire hill. It's gaining speed. Oh, Kobe. Shit.

Shit. So, how does it work? People are in dire need of our advice. So, they'll email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com and, yeah, I guess we answer those questions on this here program. New episodes every Monday. Really nice.

Sometimes Thursday. Sometimes, very rarely. You you're getting you're losing it over explaining uh uh uh uh so should we just get started yeah we should have got started after you said we'd do our best to answer well here's an interesting thing this episode comes out after london after our london show but we're recording it before. I wonder what that trip will be like. The world is different for us. Yeah. One of us is maybe dead.

Yeah. Both of us might be. Both of us. I mean, at least one of us probably will be. Here's the difference. One of us might be dead. Two of us might be dead. Or neither of us.

Yeah, of course. Those are the options. I don't know which one it's going to be. But after the London show, either one of us, both of us, or neither of us. Probably neither, right? Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

I'll say those are definitely the better odds, but you never know. Yeah, it's true. Well, what do you think is the better odds, one of us dying or both of us? I feel like, I guess just one of us of us yeah because it would be like a singular event well i for whatever reason i just imagined us like both being in a car accident yeah although if it's a flight accident we took different planes to get to london yeah but not one not different planes to get to berlin that's true that's and that's probably the one that will crash because it's a smaller jetliner dude if if we go down yeah and if we are predicting it right

now that would be borderline i hope we do how fucking creepy would it be to hear us talking about it just cut fade out to this being played at our funeral can we say although who would put it online i would only have to be able to I would only put it online after we get back. The worst would be if, yeah, if we had this conversation, we'd die, and nobody ever fucking finds out. It's trapped on this SD card in this Zoom H6 recorder that I have. And who's going to do that much research coming here? Sure, they'll have to clean out our house, right? Right, but nobody's going to play that.

Yeah, nobody's going to, although, like, maybe, like, if my brother's brother's like oh this is probably where they record it maybe they have like some unrecorded podcast and he tries for like two minutes to get it off but he's like oh it's actually too hard to the intro and he's like oh he's over explaining the intro i'm not gonna sometimes a thursday doesn't like it all right voodoo zella just refreshing our homepage, wondering when his episode's going to come out. All right. Enough dark talk. That was dark. Pitch black.

Let's lighten the mood over here. Do you got a fake name for me? These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Oh, let's do famous people who died in plane crashes. Oh, that's good. Buddy Holly. All right, Buddy Holly. Can we just say right now on record that if one of us dies, we should still release this? anonymity oh let's do uh famous people who died in plane crashes oh that's good buddy holly all right buddy holly can we just say right now on record that if one of us dies we should still

release this yes yeah that's fair you can be like oh he would have wanted it that way of course nowadays as audio uh evidence of us saying that we would have wanted it that way which isn't to say that one of us is ted if you're listening to this. Right. Odds are we're still alive so don't worry. Odds are. Yeah. But E. Holly writes, Hey guys, so I have a dilemma and I wanted to get some advice. I've been seeing my... Ooh, it's a woman.

Aaliyah. Aaliyah died in a plane crash? Yeah. Cool. Aaliyah writes, so I have a dilemma and I wanted to get some advice. I've been seeing my boyfriend now for a year. We text a lot because he works away at a job for two weeks at a time. Then he comes home for a week. In the beginning, when we'd text, I would always initiate the sexting.

He would go along with it, but he never really put much into the conversation other than agreeing with what I said or saying he was excited for it to happen. Since then, it somehow got turned into a pretty PG version of sexting, saying things like thing instead of naming an actual private part. Example, I can't wait for you to kiss my thing, meaning I can't wait for you to suck my dick. The thing is, you might say he may be young or nervous to say things like this, but he's not. He's 26 years old, and he swears and talks pretty vulgar to his friends, so I know he can come up with a better word than thing. I feel weird being the one who always says dirty things

if I don't really receive anything back. I'm not looking for him to go into disgusting, detailed, or wildly inventive shit, just something to get a little excited about. Any advice would be appreciated. Love, Aaliyah. Oh, shit. I sort of...

I really need somebody. Tell me I need somebody tell me somebody boy i've been sexting you for a long long time i've been texting you from a plane jesus christ sorry what's wrong with you yeah i love leah uh i sort of commiserate with the guy here i don't really like sexting you don't like sex yeah what's what is the what's your hang-up uh i guess i'm just i don't know it's very sincere and it's very uh i don't know what i feel like it like i'm i'm too cynical to get into it like i'm like too much of a comedy asshole i'll be like oh this is so like if somebody found it it would be embarrassing so i don't want to do it it would be embarrassing that you like got somebody off using your words that's hot that's good would you want would you want somebody

reading your sexts if they were successful yeah i mean if if like i'm going back and forth with a girl and she's like i want your huge cock and i'm like i want your wet pussy you'd let me read that uh i don't think i would like hand you my phone but if i found sex but yeah i wouldn't be embarrassed i mean like i think the embarrassing thing is if you're sexting somebody and she's like hey i'm at work you have to stop all right a failed sex yeah i wouldn't want that but like it's it's sort of like um somebody finding like a shirtless picture i took on my phone like i'm a little embarrassed but also i'm probably flexing and i got a really good angle so i'm like okay

oops i look hot sorry well what if your dick is in it because that's sort of another equivalent i mean if i if i took the picture then i did it because the dick looked good and i would be like uh-oh sorry you saw my penis looking great see i wouldn't want you to see a naked picture of me even if i looked great uh i think well i think the only fail safe or the only the only protection against that stuff is to like i look at sexting as like a writing exercise yeah a creative writing exercise i wouldn't necessarily like not as a comedy one but like so i wouldn't necessarily be like wait what do you mean not comedy like it's not funny what are you talking about what's not funny about sexting about anything i don't get that yeah you're always on yeah always joking

right sometimes serious sincere yeah yeah it's tough for you huh yeah i live in a i live in a castle you're a robot but like a comedy yeah comedy bot funny bot right exactly like everything is funny right i'm either even i'm either having a good exactly like everything is funny right i'm either even i'm either having a good time and everything is funny or i'm having a bad time and nothing is funny it's never nothing is not like i'm having a good time then things are sexier i'm having a good time and things are like deep and emotional yeah yeah no that's not that's never gonna happen it's either funny or not for me actually i was gonna buy that domain name funny or die actually because that's sort of the way i live my life but it was taken so what do you do if

you're a girl and your guy doesn't want to sext you um i think that she should just like keep on going full steam ahead say the things to him that you wish he would say. So like if he says kiss my thing, you would just respond like, oh, I want to put your whole thing in my mouth. I want to suck your dick or whatever, you know, like escalate it. Just keep on escalating and see where he matches you. I think that like, this is a weird experiment that's sort of related. Sometimes if you're like, if you're talking to somebody on Gchat or AIM and like nobody's using using punctuation if you start to use good punctuation capitalizing your eyes in an apostrophe period you'll watch as they also start to do that and then you switch it back at them and suddenly they feel formal and out of place uh but i just think that like people

are they play to the level of their competition. Yeah. By nature, we're, we're energy matchers, right? Not everybody is, but maybe I would at least, I don't, it's kind of weird to be like,

Hey, I want to have a conversation about sexting, but that's the next step. I think the first step is just to like, sort of passively try to escalate it yourself by like, not feeling shy because of his texts, but just like keep on heightening them and see where he matches.

Because guys like sexting. I'm sure he likes hearing it from you. Maybe he just feels a little silly sending messages like Amir does. Right. You know what it does? It's the same shyness as public displays of affection. Do you like that?

I don't. It's not like I enjoy it, but I have no problem with it at all. You have no shyness about like making out with a lady friend at like a party. Right. See, that's embarrassing to me. To see you like that. I'm fine with it.

I'm heterophobic. Go to town with a guy. I actually just hate seeing you happy. You're fine with PDA. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think i would make out at a small get together with all my friends at a dinner but like if i was with somebody i would like

grab their butt the supermarket right yeah i would not do that all right i don't even pick my own wedgies at a supermarket i don't touch my ass in any way in public. It's so dirty. Even in the shower, I will apply soap to the lower back of my body. Well, you shower with chinos on. That's right. Just because I think it's not chast to have your feet exposed. And you do wear a chastity belt. What is a chastity belt? Were they real like the medieval times like just uh fucking

something it was like a belt with a lock that you couldn't so you couldn't have sex right is that a real thing chast i don't know i just remember it was in like the princess bride or robin hood met in tights i think it was uh so the advice here is to keep doing it maybe wait until he's drunk. I feel like when you're drunk, you're a little looser, more likely to do it. Well,

how does she know when he's drunk? She's away. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe, uh, tell him to start drinking, send him beer,

send him beer. Guys love brew. I fucking love beer. It's so good. Like a micro brew or an ale, an APA or even an IPA, any pa is an ap an american pale ale nice i love pale ales i love uh just dark amber box i love a good hefeweizen too in addition to those ones so to be clear i like beer uh all right that's it yeah uh all right i need a name of a guy

for this next question to uh call this guy because i don't want to use his real name william feller oh shit is that his real name no oh uh it's dav's David Mitchell. Let's do... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let's do Buddy Holly this time. All right. Buddy Holly. Oh, that's his real name. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. All right. Buddy Holly writes, Hey, guys. Just got back from a birthright trip a few weeks ago. On my trip, I met this goddamn dime of a girl, a sexy Israeli soldier who's just a perfect Jewish woman in every way. Since the day I left to come back to the US, we've been

messaging each other often, but she just got promoted to a commander position in the Air Force, so now she has less time to talk. Is it bad that I'm annoyed that she doesn't talk to me as much anymore? I know that she's fighting for the survival of her country and all that, but how hard is it to send a text every once in a while?

Love, Buddy Holly. Ooh, wee-oo. a rival over country and all that but how hard is it to send a text every once in a while love buddy holly oh we you you do look just like buddy holly uh uh and a little bit mary tyler more she is your mary tyler more i mean i don't care what they say about you guys anyway i just don't care about that hey oh what do we do don't look now but i lost my shoe uh i think it's weird i don't know i in the strangest way i sympathize with him but he's also like he's also wrong yeah i'm wrong in my sympathy. They're like actually at war. It's not like she's a senior member of the Easter Island military. Yeah, she's not on the U.S. Coast Guard. She really might not have time. She might be dealing with some shit.

As of now. Well, there's a ceasefire. Yeah. So I think... That'd be funny with some shit. As of now. There are, well, there's a ceasefire. Yeah. So I think. That'd be funny to text her. I would text her just, ceasefire? Or do y'all just keep fighting during that shit? What do you do during the ceasefire?

Because the first thing isn't text your BF. He's just following the news for all the wrong reasons. I just hope to God one day there's peace in the middle east that way sahar will text me back more often i just worry for her safety because at the end of the day i really want to text her just texting her hey i heard there is uh i heard there's some progress in your in your peace talks that's really awesome maybe now you'll have a little more time to text little old me and And I'm happy that everybody is safe. And I'm happy that the country is not in turmoil at the moment.

And maybe now we could Skype or some shit. Hey, what's going up on the military level? And speaking of WhatsApp, I noticed that you read my last one and you haven't WhatsAppped me back. The world is a very big place with huge conflicts. And this is just like like it's a perfect showcase of the smallest smallest thing and the biggest biggest something affecting like has having global global reach yeah then this guy's phone and then there's this white american guy his birthright your problems are you just had a free trip to Israel.

Your problems are small. I went on a free trip to Israel because it's my right, my birthright. I got some good food, met a sexy Jewish woman. But now I don't live next to her. And when she texts me, it's infrequently because her freaking country's at war. Yeah. You should be... I think you should be different.

I think you're a terrorist for what you're doing. You're in Hezbollah for this. You're a Hamas operative, I think, as of now. So what can you do? I guess take a chill pill. Think about how good you have it sir i also see that your email address is coming from a very fun party school so you can have that to look forward to you go to a party school so you you're dealing with uh you know your phone's not getting enough

incoming texts but your girlfriend is dealing with incoming missiles aimed at her and her loved ones. Perspective, I guess. Missiles versus text. They are sending and receiving missiles and rockets at each other. You are sending but not receiving text messages. I feel for you, dude. Things are good. Honestly.

Things are good for little old buddy Holly. It's tough. It's a tough place to be. But I feel like you have to keep your best foot forward, be optimistic, and hopefully one day there will be a solution, some peace in that very... No, no, no, a solution. Hopefully one day she'll be sending more texts. Oh, yeah, well, that would lead to more texts.

We don't care about the war. Just as a byproduct. Ideally, she'll be sending more texts and then hopefully some collateral good. Let's be real with him for a second. She just might not be texting him because she's not feeling it. I mean, that's the birthright is, I've never been on it, but like that seems just sort of like a heightened time of emotion. Yeah. And maybe people get swept up and now he's gone and she's like, well, I'm, I got my life in the military got a promotion this dude goes to yeah two lane or some equivalent or equivalent two lane or better here's the yeah here's the thing she's she's a sexy israeli soldier uh which is very fascinating

exciting for you but her life is just filled with sexy israeli soldiers that's that's her status quo remember when we went to israel and there was fucking hot girls on the beach with machine guns yeah israeli soldiers aren't allowed to leave their guns behind and then also just all the girls are attractive and all the guys are also like tall buff and bald right and the problem is and then you cut you walk in as a fucking bald like it was a good thing in the last well it's somehow they make it buff bald yeah they are but in a good way somehow uh and shaved heads i should say right so and then in comes you this uh 19 year old jewish american israel is that like all of the guys are like aggressive yeah they're like they'll just go up and talk to anybody they'll like grab like put their arm around someone like hey you should come

home with me we should talk let's talk and like americans are just uh our game is being quirky and weird and awkward yeah and like making eyes at someone four times before finally being like hey i guess we we can't stop looking at each other but like their thing is just like if a girl's not even looking at them they'll just go up and take her from you and make out with her yeah but you had some success in israel yeah well i'm a fucking pimp yeah i'm saying what huh huh who huh what okay the israeli huh uh so relax and find an american woman i don't know if like imagine you're in that position though and you are like texting with a dime of an have you ever just like been texting somebody that wasn't texting you back and you wish they would text you more even though they live far away uh maybe not far away but like i've like texted girls and they don't text back yeah i think the only thing we could say text wise is the more texts you send doesn't mean her sending you more texts so you should have your

texts be less and less yeah if anything they'll start to be like infrequent, nice little surprises that distract her from the war she's fighting. So then she'll maybe start to reach out to you when she's in

a dark place because of the war she's fighting. Because you're a nice little respite from the war that she's fighting. And try to remember

that she's fighting a war. Yeah, and you're studying for a sociology midterm. And you're not even doing that good of a job. But she's doing so much of a good job that she's fighting a war. Yeah, and you're studying for a sociology midterm. And you're not even doing that good of a job. But she's doing so much of a good job that she was promoted to a, what was it? Admiral. All right, pretty good.

Commander, captain. Superhero. Commander. Yeah, text less, not more. Make peace, not war. We need, uh-oh, another female name. Do we have another female celebrity that died in a plane accident um there wasn't there like a a governor or something like a politician that did are you

gonna look it up well i'm just gonna look up famous women who died in plane crashes so famous women who died in aviation oh you know who we should have cut a video? Amelia Earhart. Yeah, of course. I let the record show that I, well, it's not like I got there myself. Aviation really put Amelia Earhart on the mind. Yeah, on the map.

No one can confirm that she's dead. Amelia Earhart writes, Hello, my name is Amelia Earhart and I'm a senior in high school. I've come across a little dilemma with which I think you guys could help me out. writes. other friend, especially a friend who is a girl, to name a few, that he masturbates a lot, asking whether I masturbate or not, and that he thinks about me while masturbating. I've been trying to play it cool, so to speak, and try not to appear so super blunt about the fact that I don't want him to text me about things like that and change the subject, but the messages continue. Now, here comes the plot twist. He did the same thing to at least three of my other friends. I would stop texting them all

together but when we hang out he's awesome is it normal for a guy to do this what should i do thanks amelia erhart cool this guy's a predator right yeah that's not a plot twist that's just the plot yeah the plot twist is sort of also just like something we'd expect yeah this guy not much of a twist pretty boring story it's a full 360 degree twist where everything is now facing in the correct direction yet again um yes he tells you that he masturbates to you and then the plot twist is not that he does it to other girls the plot twist would be that he only did it to you right this guy's a creep that's gross and you shouldn't feel bad about being blunt and telling him not to do that.

Yeah, that's okay. Especially if you don't want it. That's a fine thing to tell him to stop. Because for whatever reason, he's not feeling bad about telling you that he masturbates thinking about you. And that's something he should feel bad about. Yeah. So you go ahead and say, gross. That's disgusting.

Bad him. You're dumb and gross and mean and awful for saying that yeah i think it's okay that he masturbates thinking about whoever he wants he's a free man that's that's your right as a as a teenage boy and i think you know maybe this behavior is happening um because he's a sicko and also because nobody has the balls to tell him that he's gross. That makes people feel uncomfortable. Yeah, so you should say, that's disgusting. You make me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that.

And I'm not the only one. And then maybe he'll stop. Or if you persist, then he definitely has a problem. And you should tell your parents. You know what it seems like? It seems like this guy has an older brother who is either fucking with him or told him, like, that's what girls like to hear. It seems like a line that he's using. He's like, girls like to hear that you masturbate about them.

Well, I think when you're in high school, it is sort of like sexy in this fucking weird way. Well, also, like, actually, fuck, masturbating is sexy when it's somebody that you want. So like if somebody liked me and I said, I like you, I'm like, I get myself off thinking about being with you. Right. They could think that's hot. And if I liked somebody, if I was attracted to them and they said, I came last night imagining us, I would be like, fuck yeah, that's great. But if, so maybe like there's something to him doing it because he thinks if it's reciprocated, then that's like his way in. And like, I would find it hot if an attractive girl was like, oh, I'm masturbating. What if a, what kind of girl would have to tell you that where you would be creeped out?

None, no one. There is not one. Yeah. Save for relatives relatives that would make me excited regardless of who told you that right of course but if a guy did that to a girl there might even be a little fucking turned on if i heard a guy did it really yeah it's just sexy the idea that i'm getting people off i love that the tweets start rolling in boys and girls and ladies i'll take it and gentlemen hey come on that's nice but i think that's i'm different from the like it doesn't make me uncomfortable it makes her uncomfortable and she should not be shy about being like no you fuck no yeah stop it

bad dog stop it stop it no should she hit him on the nose uh a No. Should she hit him on the nose? Hit him on the nose if it comes to blows, but it shouldn't really come to blows. Nice. Thank you. Hit him on the nose if it comes to blows, but it shouldn't really come to those in this scenario. Oh, that's the way it goes. So I think we're all in agreement here of telling him not to do that is okay. Yeah.

It's actually probably the best slash only thing you can do. I mean, right now he's probably doing it because he hasn't gotten, like, even though you're still hanging out with him, you're still responding to his texts, even though you're dodging those ones. Yeah. I think he needs, I mean, fuck him. He shouldn't need it, but some kind of clear signal will either end the problem or show you that it's a serious problem and some more drastic action needs to be taken. He's going to keep doing it, basically, until someone tells him to stop. Yeah. And then, also, if he keeps doing it past people telling him to stop, then he needs to go to jail. Yeah. At the very least, get his phone taken away.

The state took his phone. Sorry, you don't know how to use this responsibly. God, that'd be great. Just that officer showing up like, hey, you need to give me your phone. What? Yeah, you're bad at using it. You make people feel sad, so give it to me. How is that illegal?

This is insane. This is a police state. Yep, give it to me. is that illegal this is insane this is a police state yep give it to me okay jesus christ uh all right three questions in time for a break let's three are you sure it was three it was three yeah we got amelia erhart we got alia and we got buddy holly well time flies when you're in a sweltering fucking room yeah it's hot in here. Let's take a quick break to thank one more sponsor, and then we'll come back and do our real break. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace guess who's back guess who's back we are back i left what uh it's so fucking hot in here yeah i'm dripping with sweat do you see me oh you're sitting in the sun a little bit more than i am right jesus christ yesterday we were recording in a freezing room which seems so preferable right right now. It felt good when we got this house with the big solarium and all the glass windows. Yeah.

Didn't it feel nice? That seemed like a good idea at the time. And it's so hot. Yeah. It's so hot in this room. It's unusable most of the day. It makes sense thermodynamically that the room that's encased in glass that's not attached to many things is just baking in the sun.

But it's still a little confusing why it's so much hotter and then also so much colder at night. Well, during the night, it's got a lot of windows, so I open up all the windows. But doesn't it feel colder in here than it does outside? At night? Yeah. I don't know if it feels colder than it does outside. Maybe?

But how does that happen? How can it be colder? That's like ice being colder than a freezer see this is why we have to have smart people on our show yeah that'd be fun i'm only smart enough to ask questions i'm not sure that makes you smart that's how dumb you are you don't get that that's smart i'm dripping and i'm i'm never sweat god damn it whoa I'm melting

I'm getting mad for the first time ever whoa you are melting you're disappearing you're waxed I'm here no you do die

after this episode we're gonna have a lot to talk about on these breaks once we travel the globe yeah right now we're just fucking waiting

yeah dude it's a waiting game waiting on the world to change uh do you want to just answer this last question over here i guess so there's nothing going on in your life that you want to talk about i'm just fucking getting amped dude getting amped for the shows and experience that will have already happened by the time anyone um all right question four we need one last dude stan rogers who stan rogers one of the best folks seniors of all time died in a plane crash uh yeah well technically the plane had landed and was on fire and he died from smoke inhalation but i'll call it a crash jesus plane accident i think i i'm not i'm not 100 sure so maybe i shouldn't even say it but

i think he stayed on the plane trying to help people oh that's nice we might as well make him a hero let's make him a hero what's what songs did he sing this stan rogers guy um some of his best songs are the mary ellen carter what's that no it's maybe it's called rise again uh mary it's either one you could search for uh the Northwest Passage is a really good one. Barrett's Privateers. Have I heard of any of these? We play them in the car in Nantucket when you're... I think you've been there.

Yeah. Oh, the year was 1778. How I wish I was in Sturbridge now. You know that one? Stop me if you have. And if you haven't. Because I don't know any more of the words. Stan Rogers writes,

Hey guys, love the show, but let's get down to business. I've been dating this girl for a couple weeks now, and she's a total smoke show. Now, recently we had sex for the first time, and here's where the trouble starts. Before that I was a virgin, and I expected to last for 30 to 45 seconds, but no.

We fucked for half an hour and nothing. I didn't even finish. Some people say that this is a good thing, but it's the opposite. She's feeling bad because she thinks it's her fault and I'm left with blue balls. In conclusion, how can I get myself to cum during sex? Love, Stan Rogers.

Well, jeez, I think if you do it once and you don't cum, then you're fucked. Yeah. Now we know the truth. You can't cum during sex. Moving on. This is so unique. This is the opposite of most people's first experience problems. Well, I think it's like stage fright in a way, and it works differently for everybody. Like some people come too quick.

Some people can't cum. And I also think that like there's an ebb and a flow. Sometimes you'll be quick. Sometimes you'll be quick. Sometimes you'll be long. Sometimes you won't come. Sometimes it'll be perfect and you guys will come together. It's just different. Is that what the Beatles song Come Together is about?

I think you've talked about this on the podcast before. No, it was off the podcast. When was it? We were talking to some people and you said coming together. And then I said, oh, is that what Come Together is about? Probably, right? Come together. some people and you said coming together and then i said oh is that what come together is about probably right come together right now over me yeah it's about john watching uh watching yoko and ringo yeah fuck yeah and he's underneath them and they orgasm at the same time and he says i want you guys to come together right right now right now over me he's forcing the issue he's got feet down below his knees got to be good looking because he's so hard to please oh all

right yeah so i don't know what is what do you think is worse jizzing after one pump or not being able to come at all i don't know i think there's probably pros and cons to both jizz just after one pump you could i mean first of all you could spin it as like that's your virginity i think that's almost to be expected and you could say to that girl like oh my god you're so hot you got me off so quick i'm sorry and i think like the more you do it the more you'll it'll become normal and then you'll be able to last longer uh-huh and then if you aren't coming then at least you could like try a bunch of fun interesting positions just don't go at it really really hard so everybody gets sore and tired but you go you want to have like if you're not going to come you could have like a nice long slow experience which would be pretty sexy and you could definitely

do things that are more pleasurable for her since you aren't ejaculating what about this for an idea faking an orgasm well have you ever done that uh yeah so you're you can last as long as you want because you're you're immune to it and then as soon as the other party's orgasming you just say you are right that feels you've done that yeah that feels great oh no for her right yeah because it's like oh we did it at the same time that's sort of a quick oh so you'll like oh this person's you're like you're gonna come and then you say me too and then you fake it yeah what do you look like when you're faking an orgasm probably the same thing i look like when i'm doing when i'm actually

orgasming and then what do you do you just like take the cond faking an orgasm? Probably the same thing I look like when I'm actually orgasming. And then what do you do? You just take the condom and you hide it? Well, I roll off or the other way around. And then I'm like, oh, I'm going to take this off. And I go to the bathroom, which is true either way. Right. I should come to think about it.

I've never actually orgasmed. Holy shit. You're this guy. It's all been fake. I think that's fine. But that's only a quick fix to the problem of her insecurity. Like you say, I came, and then she's like, happy, but you didn't come,

so you're not exactly... You haven't found that release. And also, it's very pleasurable to come with somebody, so I want that for everyone. Certainly, certainly, certainly. It's a short-term solution, but it is a solution to be sure. I think you should think about things that make you really turned on yeah like baseball or your grandfather eating a sandwich well i'm just saying like maybe him on top he's like pumping away and

he can't exactly come because it's like all of his biceps are engaged and he's sort of in a plank position and it's like i can't come because I'm thinking about cumming too much. And maybe if you just lie on your back and she rides you, then you can cum that way. Mom, you can keep listening. This is pretty PG. Wouldn't you say? Yeah, because you're not talking about yourself specifically. Yeah.

And this is good advice for anybody who's like, I think that you could just try to relax during sex. Of course. Do things, try different positions that you both find pleasurable and that you're not straining yourself and stressing out. And if that doesn't work, fake an orgasm. Well, you can fake an orgasm until you figure out how to have a real one. But I think you'll still get yourself yourself worked up i think it'll happen there's like uh there's condoms that quote make you last longer and it has like a numbing agent is there the opposite of that where like something gives you an like something makes it even more sensitive down there um there's definitely ones that have

like warming agents but i don't find those to be sexy I think the best thing you could do is get like the ultra thin, try to like, you try to make the feel of the experience feel as natural as possible. You don't want to get like, I've heard of people getting ribbed condoms and then turning them inside out. Oh dear. And so like the ridges are going against your penis, which might feel good.

That's good. That's like fucking an accordion. I've done that. Yeah. You have, I actually watched you yeah do it what else is that oh yeah use it only use a condom at the last possible second right because everything else you can safe sex that's not a good thing to advocate

right well i'm oh no no no before penetration oh so like do as much as you can before penetration right and during lead your horse to water as far as it can possibly go and then use a condom right so that's another tip another tip yes but when i said that you immediately thought of fucking without a condom right which is yeah my real advice yeah which i can't say mom stop listening fuck her without a condom dog raw dog that shit well here let's say this is bad advice so what what should you not do jake um i would not fuck her without a condom because because that's not because even though it would feel the best of course and and you would enjoy the most sensitivity yeah it would be

hot and make you want to come and then you could potentially pull out um which if you do it at the right time is about 98 effective just as much as a condom however however there's the risk of not pulling out in time sure um and if you you think you might not be able to do that that's why i'm saying you should definitely wear a condom yeah pulling out would be another type of bad option bad option that wouldn't work yeah so that was that's the advice that we don't have because it's not safe there you go to give it which is why we didn't even give it i didn't we told you not to do that we have to present them all the options exactly not to do yeah and that's one of the options so don't do it you can't see us winking because it's an audio podcast and we're not

winking exactly so it doesn't matter uh all right we're out of time fuck it uh thanks yo fuck it we recorded the whole thing i finally said fuck it because i was done uh if you have your own questions or own theme song submissions please send them over to if i reuse show at gmail.com uh we're also still taking thumbnail submissions that first opening theme song was from voodoo zella and this last one is from john taylor see that's, that's one that's simple to pronounce. Less cool, of course, than Vood Vuzella, but at the very least, John Taylor. John Taylor, pretty good.

Thanks for listening, guys. We'll be back soon. Bye. Sometimes in life, you find yourself in these sticky situations. And when that happens, there's only one thing you can really do. Here it goes. Jake and Amir, oh if you were me, what would you do in this uncertainty? Help me with my atrocities, cause my mum's about to phone the police

will help me ride out of the storm, ride out of the storm and I'll keep listening to your show, listening to your show I really don't want the world to know so I'll email if I were your show

at gmail.com If I were you sure At gmail.com Don't you get real jake and amoeba just on my keyboard I fucked some girl and now my dick is sore I really don't want the world to know So I'll write you a farm where you should I accidentally killed my neighbour's pimp They're not back from their vacation yet

My mum was sitting on my lap and I got fucking hard Cos there wasn't enough room on my shitty car Well help me ride out of this storm, ride out of this storm Thank you. If I were you sure, gmail.com gmail.com If I were you sure, gmail.com If I were you sure, gmail.com Toda, peace out, let's take my fucking gear in Shigun! Hey everybody, it's Nicole Polizzi, but you may know me as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore. I totally feel like Snooki doesn't exist anymore, so I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at podcastone.com.

A lot has changed in my life with becoming a mother getting married, losing weight being fit. So be a part of my new fantastic fabulous world. Download naturally Nicole every Tuesday at podcast one.com. That's podcast o ne.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.