Segments - 103: Psychic (Live from Manchester!)

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

We discuss street artists, house gifts, and sleeping with somebody you hate. Recorded at The Lowry in Manchester, UK! This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and Brooklyn 99 on Fox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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started. This is our live show from Manchester. We were very excited to perform there for the first time ever. And I think you guys will tell you what I would do If only I were you Shark.com Whoa. Strong guy. Everybody here is buff. Strong guy. Everybody here is buff. Even us.

Oh, especially that guy. I thought I was, I really, I was like scared for a second you were going to grab me and pull me into the audience. Which you could have. Yeah, you could have just grabbed me and tossed me over your head. Yeah, you're a kite to him. You're a kite. A kite? Tight. Kite. What did. A kite? Tite.

Kite. What did you say first? Kite. I was very explicit to say you were a kite. To him? To him. You said you're a kite. Yeah.

K-I-T-E. Kite. Kite. To him. Okay. Manchester, England. This is very exciting. Boo.

Boo? To Manchester? Where are you from? Scotland. Everybody laughed when you said Scotland. So boo you. No. Oh wait, is that the guy that could beat us up?

I don't know. If so, I'm from Scotland. Sir. Oh no, it wasn't him. Okay. Actually, anybody here can beat me up, so it doesn't know. If so, I'm from Scotland. Sir. Oh, no, it wasn't him. Okay. Actually, anybody here can beat me up, so it doesn't matter. The answer is yes. You've been working out.

Yeah. You look good. Thanks, dude. Show everybody your muscle. I don't know. Come on, buddy. Bye. Show everybody your muscle.

That's really strong. That's pretty good. If you're listening at home, I just took my dick out. Yeah. If you give it a beer pressure I just took my dick out. Yeah. If you give it a peer pressure, show everyone your peep, huh? My what? Show everyone your little peenie. Come on.

For those of you listening at home, I took my dick out again. So that's two dick outs. But my dick had a muscle. Yeah. Wow. Guys, who here has never heard this podcast before? Why are you here? Who dragged you?

Who drugged you? Drugged and dragged. So your friend Chris was like, dude, you are not going to believe it. These guys talk. Into microphones, though. Can I have 20 pounds that's what Chris said Chris

or did you buy him a ticket he paid oh so you just invited your richest friend you're the best friend ever he paid for everybody here actually he paid for this whiskey very toda thank you teaching Hebrew to Manchesterians Manchester's Very Todah, thank you. Todah Rabbah.

Teaching Hebrew to Manchesterians. Manchester's? Manchester's it is. Wait, you guys all said monkeys? Is that what you said? Mankyrian? Mankyrian. Oh, like the Mankyrian candidate.

Nice. And I haven't even had any whiskey yet That was a sober joke And a sobering joke Let's talk about it, guys Salute Thank you Oh, man, we're excited This is fun

This is nice Ow, ow, ow, ow So, how does this podcast work, Chris? You've never been here before. Let me explain it to you. Oh, shit. I'm Richard. He's Chris. You fucking ass.

You idiot. Don't you know all of our names? You little kite Jew. Wait a minute. That second part was definitely anti-Semitic. It's an advice podcast is what we do. And basically, Jake and I receive emails from people who are

in sticky situations and they need our advice. We don't know why, but we're happy to give it. Sometimes it's just us two alone in our living room and sometimes it's in front of 200 Mankidians who and some Scots. And some Scots. And some Scots!

They all bum-rush the stage. We are below everybody. The stage is lower than every seat. Yeah. That's rare, right? I don't know. I've never... I don't know.

Yeah, sure. Of course it's rare. You're right. No, it's not. I do whatever the Scotsman says. He's on a horse. You tell me what you say and think, sure. Of course it's rare. You're right. No, it's not. I do whatever the Scotsman says. He's on a horse. You tell me what you're saying. Thanks, sir.

Oh, my God. How did you bring a horse here? Yeah, I don't know what else to say. That's essentially it. Has anybody here emailed the show before? Has anybody here had a question that we answered on the show before? This guy. One?

Wait, someone? This guy! One? Wait, someone? This guy! Really? What was the question? Oh, shit! Which one? Which one? It was in the second show! The second show?

It was the guy who went on holiday with his friend who he liked, but was his ex-boyfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Come on. You have to come down.

Come down. This is episode two? This guy was in episode two. Day one, dog. He's an original. Sir, welcome. Join the show. You were probably one of the first questions we ever answered.

So what was the question again? You went on vacation? Vacation with a girl I liked. And she was going with her ex-boyfriend and invited me as well. So you were invited with a girl you like and her ex-boyfriend on vacation. At that time, I remember

the question. Our advice was to not go? You said not to go or not to go and act upon my We told you not to act upon your desires. And what happened? I did not act upon them... We told you not to act upon your desires. And what happened? I did not act upon them until after the vacation.

And did it work? It worked for a very short amount of time. That's very good! Come here. Hey. Make dreams come true, baby. I'll take a short amount of time any day of the week, brother. Thanks for coming.

What's your name? You can give your... What fake name did we give you? I'm Professor Von Strausenberg. Just begrudgingly as he walks away. I don't know. Fucking Professor Von Strausenberg. He hates Austrians. I love that he was wearing

a seize the cheese t-shirt. A little wrinkly, actually. He didn't seize the iron. Nice, dude. Fuck off with that. Fuck off with that. You did me a jury candidate. Yeah.

That was nice. We're going to be dicks about jokes all night. It's really dangerous. All right, let's switch it up. So, yeah. Richard. People write in. They are in a difficult place.

And we give these real emails from real people, fake names, to preserve their anonymity. And then we come to their hometown and ask them to stand in front of it. And you call them out. And everyone took a picture of Professor von Strauschenberg right great he's not identity is leaked there we go so should we get this party started Is my Scotsman ready? Yes! Awesome. They yelled no, but so loudly that they must have been ready. Okay, first name. First question. We need a first name. Tom Callum.

Whoa. I picked out Tom, Callum, and Shmuel. So let's do all three. Tom, Callum, and Shmuel. Tom, Callum, and Shmuel writes, Hey guys, been dating this girl in British Columbia for a while now. Like six months. And just recently she came home and bam!

Out of nowhere she breaks up with me. After a couple days sleeping on a friend's couch, I talked to her friend and she says she visited a psychic who told her she breaks up with me. After a couple days sleeping on a friend's couch, I talk to her friend and she says she visited a psychic who told her to break up with me. Can you believe that shit? A different friend of mine told me his friend is a psychic and is willing to convince her to come back to me. So my question is,

should I get this person to pretend to see her future or some shit so she comes back, try and talk to her on my own, or just peace out on this psycho? Any help would be appreciated. Love, Thomas. Cal Shwell.

That's really interesting predicament. That is a sitcom. I want to write that, I guess, as a story. That's the pilot of Dharma and Greg. I don't know if they didn't have that show here, but that joke was just for Amir. Yeah, and I only sort of liked it. You laughed.

I giggled. How dare you? It was more than a giggle. It was a guffaw. It was an of course of guffaw. No, I did not guffaw. Would anyone call that a giggle or a chortle? Or would you say that was a guffaw? A guffaw. Thank you. A guffaw. No, I did not guffaw. Would anyone call that a giggle or a chortle? Or would you say that was a guffaw?

A guffaw. Thank you. A guffaw. I'm a Scotsman. Scotsman has his hands... What was it? What would you say? A Scotsman.

Yes. It was a Scotsman? Scotsman are... It was more than a guffaw. Yeah, you started Scotsman just now. So should this guy hire a reverse psychic to tell his ex-girlfriend to get back together with her? First of all, do psychics tell you

to break up with your boyfriend? Don't they just sort of predict the future? Can't they be like, you're going to, like... She was just guessing. Maybe the psychic didn't give you explicit information, but she just said, there's some bad shit afoot in your current love life. Do with that information what you will.

And she was like, all right, I have a decision to make. Let me at least get a second opinion. She opens a fortune cookie. The interesting thing, though, is that this guy then knew a psychic who could easily be bought. Like, yeah, I'll tell her to get back together with you. Because it's not real. Of course. Right? So you don'll tell her to get back together with you. Because it's not real. Of course.

Right? So you don't even need to know a psychic. You can just know a guy. Yeah. You can know an actor. Yeah, just anyone. Not even an actor. Just a guy who's willing to buy a bandana, I think.

Right. A bandana, a crystal ball, that's it. Oh, no, tarot cards. Have you ever gotten your tarot read or your palms read? Yeah, I did once. And? She actually predicted me and my girlfriend at the time were going to get married and have twins. How'd that work out?

Well, my future's not totally told yet. I don't know. Maybe I'll get back together with my girlfriend when I was 18 and we might have twins. That's a huge leap. Usually they keep it vague. Becky, if you're listening, I think the twins need us. We were on the

Jersey Shore and we were told that we were going to have twins. I don't know. I think maybe it's fucking crazy to go back to her. Of course. That wasn't even a fortune teller. You just talked to a hobo. It was a carny. He said, you're all going to have twins.

You mean that, sir? I don't know. I'm drunk. I love her. I think I might not only not want to get back together with her, I would say if she takes a psychic's word for anything, you should break up with her. Or unless this guy's really manipulative,

then he could just use this to his advantage all the time. Especially if he's got a psychic in his pocket. Yeah, like he can convince her to get back and blow him every day. That's your fortune. That's your dream girl, right? Yeah, who blows me every day.

On a daily basis, a girl that, she blows me. Not away, but my dick. Girl who blows your penis. Yeah. Like, during the day? During the daytime? Yeah, it has to be during the day.

That's what I meant by every day. Otherwise, I'd say every night. After work, before work. During work, after work, whatever. As long as it's still daylight. She's a vampire, so it has to happen indoors. That's... as long as it's still daylight. She's a vampire, so it has to happen indoors. So it sounds like your advice is to let this crazy person go away.

Psychics are not real. They are unfortunately actual people that try to... They're one level... I'd say one half level above a beggar. They're a beggar who said You know what I'd like to tell people shit for money So like a street performer is tops That's like I don't have any money

But I got a talent And I can juggle At the very least I can spray paint myself silver Oh I'm great at standing still for a long time That's actually what didn't get me a job In the first place And then I spray painted myself silver I started earning money.

Yeah. So I would do the same exact thing. Just stand around. Yeah. But then silver. Yeah. And now I have money. So it's performer, tops, silver.

We'll call him the queen. And then the jack would be. The jack is. Wait. So bottom is a. Beggar. Beggar. Beggar.

That's a guy who's not even doing anything. Yeah. He's asking. He didn't even make a sign. That's a guy who's not even doing anything. Yeah, he's asking for... He didn't even make a sign. It's just like, can I have money? Like, all right, at least get cardboard. At least get like a marker. You're embarrassing yourself. You say as you count cash in front of him and walk away.

Oh, no, not for you. I'm giving it to this silver man. Yeah. See how still he is? He's a robot, I think. And then if you split the difference average between silver and sign guy, you got a fortune teller.

He's like, I will keep you engaged. I'm going to tell you lies. If you think about it, some of the guys that are saying, hey, this is money for my family because it's not that. It's always money for her. So they buy a tarot card and they lay it out in front of you. I've gotten my fortune read and they're like, and I'm like, whoa, a death card.

And I'm like, that's actually not bad. Because it's like the death of something bad. It's really rude for the liar who is the fortune teller to tell you bad news, right? They've dedicated their life to lying, and then they say, I'm going to lie, but I'm going to tell people bad news. That's so rude.

They should be like, five dollars, sorry, pounds. Five pounds, I will tell you your fortune. For ten, I'll give you only good news. That sounds like a really good deal. Shit. Maybe I'll paint myself silver. Sorry, I'm thinking two steps behind. You make pretty good money doing this.

It's okay. Did you get paid for it tonight? No. I split my money with the Scotsman. Very well, then. So, could you date someone who believed in psychic tree? Yeah, definitely. Why?

Aren't they stupid? I could date a stupid person. Watch me. I'm pretty dumb myself, actually. It actually works out very well. I don't know if you know, I paid good money to have my fortune read

at the Jersey Shore, so yeah. But imagine believing it. At the time, I did. You're an idiot. I know. So what is your advice for this guy? Keep the dream alive? Maybe she's worth idiot. I know. So what is your advice for this guy?

Keep the dream alive? Maybe she's worth keeping? I think he could do it without the ruse of the psychic. I feel like he could go and just be like, let's prove this psychic wrong, baby. If you're saying that, no, that's not a good place to be in your life.

It elicited some laughter that I wasn't expecting. I thought I was making a good point and then people laughed. Let's prove this psychic wrong baby. To deliver your opinion. You deliver your opinion and it's met with laughter. That's eye-opening. It doesn't just hurt, it stinks. Two options.

One, she actually believes the psychic and isn't worth your time as a normal. Two, she just used the psychic as a ruse to get out of the relationship. You don't want her anyway. Either way. Yeah. MoveOn.org.

MoveOn. We say MoveOn? MoveOn! So it is decreed. moveon.org move on we say move on move on move on so it is decreed number one number one what that guy's peeing

alright we're one question in and we've broken up a relationship great love it let's do it let's keep the dream alive man okay

keep breaking them up ooh we need another guy's name. I'm falling down. Dennis! All right. I heard Adam Oliver and then what did you say?

He-Mate. Adam Oliver Hamish. Hamish Adam Oliver, actually. Oh. Thank you. I like that. Adam Oliver Hamish writes. How dare you?

I recently matched with a fairly good looking girl On Tinder I hate that Grating not great Great So great Richard you understand what that was right

He's so confused You have no clue what just happened We said something weird about women And then everybody Honked like a goose So the weird thing is that you pinch and honk like a goose Pinch like a crab Or a lobster and then you honk like a goose

Imagine what went on It's easy to understand All you have to do is spend 102 hours of your life and you listen and it explains why everyone does that. All right. Hamish Adam Oliver writes,

I just recently matched with a fairly good looking girl on Tinder. Banter is great and we have a lot in common. We are planning to meet up this weekend in the city.

Fingers crossed all goes well. Sorry, banter is great. Yeah. I thought I said banged her all was great. Oh yeah, he did not bang her. Banter is great. Yeah. I thought he said banged her. All was great. Oh, yeah.

He did not bang her. Banter is great. Is great. I'm sorry. All right. We are planning on meeting up in the city. Fingers crossed all goes well. However, while we were talking during the week,

she seemed to get extremely jealous and angry that I had other female friends. And it seems like she thinks we're already in a committed relationship. She has taken it upon herself to call me pet names, invite me to a family dinner next week, and it's even gone to the extent where she has already planned a Christmas gift for me.

As I'm not looking for anything serious, but I could get lucky. My question is whether or not I should... My question is whether or not I should avoid this entire situation or take the opportunity that is in front of me and let my future self deal with the consequences. Thanks. Any help you can provide would be great.

Love, Adam Hamish Oliver. Adam Oliver Hamish. Sure. So, you didn't get lucky. No one... This isn't getting lucky, right? Well, he wants to get lucky. To have sex with her would be a curse.

This coming from you. a curse This coming from you Yeah This coming from a guy who said The best way to get back at someone is to fuck them I didn't I said The hands are convincing me I said would you fuck someone you hate

You said I exclusively fuck people I hate Oh yeah I only fuck people I hate but like she's shit let's say let's say how much can you disconnect yourself from the terrible person and just have sex with this bag of but it's not that she's a terrible person. I could fuck a terrible person. She's like an insane person. I don't think I fuck crazy. I think we've talked, I think I

think I've said this before. I don't think you have sex with crazy. You don't fuck crazy. You don't fuck with crazy. You don't fuck crazy. You don't fuck with fucking crazy. Fucking fuck on fucking crazy. I don't think you do it. But it is funny how much she's willing to, like she could be so bad, but just the promise of sex makes it oh, don't think you do it. But it is funny how much he's willing to, like, she could be so bad,

but just the promise of sex makes it, oh, I can't not do it, he says. How dry is his spell? Yeah, he just has to try, at the very least. I mean, she's already crazy. Maybe he can have sex, and then she's equally crazy, and then the only thing that changed is the sex, so he might as well go for it.

So you're saying go for it? I'm saying if I were you, I wouldn't, but if you were him, I might as well go for it. So you're saying go for it? I'm saying if I were you, I wouldn't. But if you were him, I think you would. Would you have sex with an annoying person? There's a difference between would I and have I. I wouldn't.

But I have every time. But I would never do that. Yeah. But I've done it. Always and exclusively. But I mean, no, I wouldn't do that. Though every time the opportunity has presented itself, I think I have.

Yeah. Which is why my advice should really resound with him, don't you think? Yeah, don't be like me you're saying Do as I don't do I don't know, because I'm also pretty happy Oh, that's it Fuck her

Because then you'll be happy Then you'll be happy, you'll feel good when you come And then if you can disassociate yourself With her feelings afterwards Which is real easy Because you'll find somebody else Yeah, you just distract yourself with her feelings afterwards. Which is real easy. Because you'll find somebody else. Yeah, you just distract yourself with somebody else.

And if there's nobody else, you distract yourself with yourself. Yeah. Fuck a terrible person? Please, I masturbate all the time. Yes. How do I masturbate with this? This claw. Ow! I did see you in the hotel room earlier using a lobster trying to figure it out.

Yeah, I was actually jerking off with a crustacean. Yeah. If you can imagine. A crusty Asian. No. That's what we call them. You said we. How dare you lump me into that?

So, if I were you, would you? If I were you, you you? If I were you, you have. Yeah. I'm trying to think of, like, when... I think you can do it once. I think you can have sex with her. Because with this... This is what she's done. She's already jealous and angry. They haven't met. Right.

But what's happening is that she's showing her hand a little bit. So he's getting nervous. He's like, oh, man, I can see what will happen next if I go through with this. She'll be really attached. But that's okay. You sort of just know what's going to happen. This means he knows how to play it, so he can do it.

So what's going to happen? They have sex, and then what? She's already ordering, I guess, another Christmas gift at this point. And you say, baby, I am so sorry. It meant so much to me, but I can't be the man you need me to be right now. I can't be home for Christmas. I don't want to lose

my friends. And then you give her that really nice, honest guy thing. Fake honest guy. Right, fake. Oh, never real. Never real. Well, me real. Never real. Well, me saying never be real is the realest I've ever been. But yeah, then you can

slowly back out. You bow out apologizing and then she hates you for a little bit but then ultimately respects your honesty and then you're okay. What honesty? You just said not actual honesty. Well, not real honesty. She respects your seemingly honest voice. With a capital semen.

Yeah. Glee. So, I don't know. It's kind of, it's a tough call. Should we ask the audience? Yeah. That sounds nice. A round of applause for Yes Boning Her. Okay. Okay. okay, okay. I like the geese noises.

A round of applause for it. No, stay away. You know what it is? The people that say stay away are like the normal people that refuse to be too loud. The people that buck are just honking. Just like casually, politely. And then the no Just like, yeah, I gotta stay away. The people that fuck are just, yeah, honking. Yeah, just like casually, politely.

And then like the nose are just like eight really loud drunk guys. So maybe volume doesn't really do the trick. But yeah, it's a toss up. It's a 50-50. We have two different

bits of advice. Have we ever, are we just moving on? I say fuck or you say don't. Yeah, I'm the angel on her shoulder and you're the devil.

Yeah. There we go. Is it the next question? Richard III. Question the third. Is it a girl's name? Women? Woman?

Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female.

Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female.

Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. Female. What is it? Dorf? Darf? Whose name is Darf? Doris? Dorf?

D-O-R-F? As a first name? As a first name. A female named Dorf. His name isn't Dorf. This is just a guy that yelled Dorf. I feel like we should ask a girl for her name.

A guy just yelled Helen. That was a girl, you asshole. Huh? Joyce. I heard Joyce and then it was echoed by a dude. Joyce Dorf? Do you want to knowff? Yeah, sure. Joyce Dorff writes,

JD, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up in November last year, after about 11 months of dating. It was a mutual thing, and I saw it coming. I've been doing okay since then, a one-night stand here or there, but nothing serious. That's right. Anyway, I

recently found out my ex is dating someone I know. I'm not sad about it, more just annoyed that he's got a serious thing going on first. Anyway, I saw a photo of them pop up on Facebook, and in a fit of rage, I unfriended him. Now I feel kind of petty for unfriending

him, but there is no way back. If I send a friend request, it would be obvious. Also, I wonder if he looks at my profile now and then sees that I've unfriended him. Would that make him upset? Am I a nice person that I don't want to have him move on? Anyway, I'm just wondering what your opinions are on unfriending exes on Facebook. Appropriate

and considerate? Considerate? Somewhere in between? I just don't know. Love, Jamees. Jamees? Yeah, what choice door? She actually wrote that in the email. Love Jamie's Jamie's? Yeah, Joyce Dorf She actually wrote that in the email Yeah Joyce Dorf Was her name Jamie?

No Alright, great I just, I thought her name was Jamie But it was Joyce Joyce Dorf Love Joyce Dorf Joyce Dorf Great

She broke up with her boyfriend Unfriended him on Facebook It's not very, like a fit of rage Like unfriended him It's not very Like a fit of rage I unfriended him Yeah I went blind I only saw a white light And I was so pissed

And I clicked a button But she clicked it really hard That's not rage Her mouse is broken I couldn't fucking help it man It was a crime of passion Yeah That's how sweet she is

And now she's like Oh my god I racked with guilt She's not sweet She is. And now she's like, oh my God, wracked with guilt. She's not sweet. She's neurotic. How dare you? Joyce is my type of girl. Would you ever unfriend a girl?

You go ahead. You go first. Would you ever unfriend a girl? You're always asking me shit. Yeah. You're always asking me shit. I guess the problem is that you never ask it back. Oh.

Sorry, I just got mad. What's your opinion? Actually, here's mine. Okay. I feel like unfriending someone is giving them more attention than keeping them as a friend. If you really don't care, you just keep

them as a friend. Whatever you see in you, you can block them from your timeline without unfriending them. That being said, she already unfriended him. Don't re-friend him. It's too late. That ship has passed. That ship has sailed? Oh, what do you guys know? She probably is still

into him, slash kind of obsessed with him, because this thing is kind of freaking her out. So I would say keep him unfriended. The damage is done. Oh, dear. And, yeah, keep living your life. And I think the fact that he got into a relationship first means he lost because she's still living the good life.

Living the good life? Being single is living the good life? Yeah, I think so. Is anybody here in a relationship and happy? Is anybody here single and happy? Is anyone here in a relationship and miserable? Two people exactly at the same time? That guy's here on a date with his girlfriend.

But they're not dating each other is the sad part. Those two people. Is anybody in here single and miserable? Pretty telling People tend to be what makes them happy That's nice You can be happy or sad in a single or in a relationship But I feel like getting back into a relationship isn't winning

He's not winning He's not doing better than you because he's back in a relationship There's no winning or losing Yes there is, Everything is a game, a score, a competition. And this girl's losing, unfortunately. She's at negative one. You said she was winning. I know, but then she unfriended him.

I gotta penalize that. That's a bad, that's a misdraft. It's a tie. They're at a tie for sure. It doesn't matter. She doesn't need to be friends with her ex. He definitely didn't notice I don't think I've ever like gone through anybody on Facebook and been like

is this person my friend and that being said if he does notice he can't say anything about it ever you do this shit you look to see if girls follow you on Instagram how dare you I'm sorry I don't want to put you on a Manchurian blast yeah that's exactly what this is.

You'll do that. I will check if somebody is still following you or somebody has ever followed me. Both. True. Have you ever not? Checked if somebody was following you on Instagram? I don't think so.

Bullshit. This is that fake honesty you were talking about earlier. With an ex-girlfriend? To see if my ex was still following me on Instagram? I didn't say it was still an ex. It was just if a lady was following me. If a girl I liked was following me on Instagram. I don't think so.

We have one liar on the stage. Have any of you guys ever checked to see if a significant lady or guy in your life was following you on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook? That's no. There's not a lot of yeses in the audience. That was rare. That was very neurotic of you.

Have you guys just ignored that fact? Never checked at all? Is that average? See, they're just silent. What about just unfollowing an ex on any form of social media? Do people do that? I think if you do that, you gotta do it right away. You can't do it 11 months

later. It's okay to do it in a fit of rage. I think she shouldn't be freaking out about it now. It's over. She did it. She should have done it when they first broke up. It's just like you throw away the pictures. It's now or never. Because then he's like, oh, she unfriended me 11 months later. She's still thinking about me. It's uncouth.

It's unladylike. Yeah. What? What? Excuse me? It's uncouth to what? To defriend. Just keep friends and you can ignore it.

I think it's okay to unfriend. Because you've done the real life version of that. I unfriend you to your face. We up i'm no longer your friend i'm no longer your girlfriend but 11 months later 11 months later then she's still thinking about it a little too much but she should have done it right away i think that there's a clean break in the beginning that's what you do you know what she can do is unfriend like a hundred people because then he's like oh it's just part of a mass wave if you'll just unfriend one person you wouldn't notice if is unfriend like a hundred people. Because then he's like, oh, it's just part of a mass wave. If you will just unfriend one person. You wouldn't notice if she unfriended a hundred people?

He should. What? Don't you take tabs on how many people your ex-girlfriend are following? Round of applause. You carry a notebook everywhere. I'd love to see it. You can't just call for a round of applause when you're done with a sentence. I also do that at home sometimes too.

Did you finish the milk? Round of applause. Complete're done with a sentence. I also do that at home sometimes, too. Did you finish the milk round of applause? Complete silence. Oh, no, thank you. So what's your advice here? What can she do now? Nothing, forget it. Just, you're done. Don't re-friend.

Don't re-friend him. Stop thinking about it if you can. De-friending okay, re-friending no-go. Sir. Oh, wow. What happened? That was just a guy that I shook his hand before

and he was, I think he's leaving. I don't know. You're going to kick my ass in the parking lot, right? Cool. So we sort of agree. Don't refriend. Yes. Don't re-friend.

And if you are going to de-friend, do it right away. Sure. Yes. Sorry, yes. Fuck off, dude. We need a fourth... We need a guy's name. Dave! Dave!

I was... Henry, I heard. I heard I heard Moses Henry Moses Henry Moses Pretty cool name It's actually a really cool name Yeah

Jesus Yes Moses Alright the Scotsman You're Moses now Hey guys My step parents want to buy me and my wife a home A straight up house gift It feels emasculating Hey guys, my step parents want to buy me and my wife a home. A straight up house gift.

It feels emasculating. Is it weird to say no? Love, Henry Moses. Everybody says, alright thank god they're mixed reviews. A straight up house gift? If somebody wanted to buy me a house, I wouldn't feel emasculated. I'd feel like I had a house.

That makes me feel good, actually, to be a homeowner. You're not a fuck-off. You're not a homeowner. Yeah, I am. They bought me the house. The deed's in my name. You're a coward. You're a coward for that. Why? Because I live in a home? What do you live in, you piece of shit? An apartment. I have a home. I're a coward. You're a coward for that. Why? Because I live in a home? What do you live in, you piece of shit? An apartment. I have a home.

I have a house. Get off my lawn, I'd say to you. My daddy-in-law bought it for me. You and I share a house, first of all. What? We share an apartment together. Excuse? Excuse you. It makes you a homeowner

because somebody buys you something? Yeah. If I bought you a guitar, guess what, bud? You're a guitar owner. If I shake your hand, you're a handshake owner. And if your wife's daddy

buys you a home, you're a homeowner. I just think my problem with the entire thing is if you bought me a guitar you might say hey Jake I bought you this guitar and I wouldn't have any say in the guitar and then if this guy buys a house

you're like you're in his debt you don't get to have your own house no that's all in your brain oh you feel emasculated you just want handouts I want the cash, I want the house He didn't offer you cash

You needy asshole You can sell the house Oh my god, thank you so much for the house And then when his back is turned, you put it on the market Like he won't notice When his back is turned for half a second And then you don't live in the house that he bought Oh, that's weird

Anyway, I have 850,000 quid now. So thanks for the house, idiot. Sorry. Are you saying you wouldn't accept a house? You would say no. I think there's something nice about earning your own house. Sure, that's fine, but if you can't...

Well, who's to say he can't? Well, otherwise he'd be owning a home himself. No, maybe he's working towards it. Maybe he's got a good job. Sure, sure, you keep doing that little job thing. Just to be clear, you're asking for my opinion and then shutting me down. I just think you're incorrect, but continue.

Do you want me to continue? I'd love to hear more. Every time I start talking, you do the voice where you ask for cash. I like cash. I like cash. I like having money and homes. If you could choose, if you could create a perfect girl in your brain,

and you have a checklist, a questionnaire, 50 questions, blonde, brunette, redhead, tall, short, thick, thin, whatever. And one of the things was, welcome back, sir. One of the things was poor, average, rich. What would you choose? I don't think I would choose that category at all. You'd have to choose one.

What would you choose? Poor, average, or rich? Yeah. Average. Average? I guess. You'd rather have less money than more? Your money's not my money. No, it'll be your money.

Because if you guys get married... No, it wouldn't. Yeah, it is. That's how marriage works. You share a bank account. All right, fine. I don't... Fuck me, man.

I don't... I wouldn't care if she was... If she was rich, then we would be coming from, like, different backgrounds and we might not be able to see eye to eye on things, like, in terms of money.

No, having cash is good. Does anyone agree with me? You guys wouldn't? Everybody just yelled and I don't know if anyone said yes or no, but I'm just saying there's all yeses. Does anyone agree with me?

No. You would say no to a house? I would say no to a house. You would say thanks, but no thanks. I would say thank you so much for your support. I think it's lovely, but I would like to earn my own house. I think I'll feel better waking up in a house that I bought myself. Pussy.

Pussy. I would like to know what makes me a pussy because I want to earn money. Because you're not accepting money. You're basically saying, I'd rather... He has a checkbook with a million dollars. He's like, you little pussy. Accept this money.

Then you owe them shit. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Parents buy their kids shit. You don't owe your parents things. No, my parents don't buy me anything all the time. Oh, my God. Did you go to private high school?

I went to private high school because my mother was a teacher there and I went for free. Okay. So how dare you? Did your parents pay for your college? I didn't go to college, boss. You went to four colleges.

Boss. And I didn't... And no, boss. You went to four colleges. Boss. And no, they did not pay for it. They didn't pay for college. I paid my father back. With a good old-fashioned good time and a steak dinner. Parents buy their kids things. They would buy your lady...

They want to buy her daughter a wife. A house isn't a thing, it's a house A house isn't a thing Good night everybody Let's end on that No, a house is a thing actually You're a pussy This is a thing

You know what? You're a pussy This is a thing You're going to wake up in your wife's house In your wife's bed A house is a thing Do you know what a noun is? You're a big coward

You can't make money Blue is not a thing You can't make money A house is a thing. Do you know what a noun is? You're a big coward. You can't make money. Blue is not a thing. You can't make money. A house is a thing. Oh my God! He's hitting me! He's not! No, it's not a thing!

Throw it back! Now it's gone! You know why you can throw it back? Because it's a thing! Thank God I caught that shoe. Imagine it's like, you know why you can't throw it back? Because it's a thing.

I really wish I hit you in the face. That's what you deserve. Here's something you can't throw. A house. So I guess another thing we disagree on. You say cash isn't good. Which? I think earning cash is good. What? I think earning

cash is nice. That sounds great. Your wife's daddy earned that cash. That doesn't count. That's money. That's his money. And what if they take you on vacation and you're also saying, thanks but no thanks. I want to earn my own Hawaiian vacation. That's an experience, and I think that's nice

for them to have their kids on their vacation. That sounds like a nice experience. So you'll go on a vacation, but you won't accept a house. I wouldn't accept a house. What about a deposit? What about? Deposit's fine. That accountant brings up a good point. Now, if he just pays for the down

payment and you pay off the mortgage, you deposit the money in my account, I can have whatever house I want. Say a million dollars. They put down $250,000. You pay the rest off over 30 years with a fixed APR of what? What's interest rates nowadays? 4.25? 4.3%?

It's interesting because your mother's trying to buy you a house and you won't take it. Next question. Thank you. The difference is that's my mom. I don't take shit from girls. I take it from someone else's mom.

I want her to keep her money and I date a girl that has a rich daddy. I get it. That was good. Jake's virginity! Jake! It is time for a break. Richard,

Jake refuses to tell his virginity story on tape because it's, I guess, borderline illegal. And that's probably the smart thing to do. But he says during live shows, we cut to a little message from our sponsor, who we love so much. And Jake will tell...

Me undies, right? Yeah, hopefully me undies. And then we cut to commercial, and Jake tells his virginity story just to you guys if you promise not to tell anyone. Woo! to commercial and Jake tells us a virginity story just to you guys if you promise not to tell anyone. So if you're listening at home, we'll be right back. Quick note to let

y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking

it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-eM slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's

easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. It's okay. It's okay. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Enough. I shared something with you. It was very courageous.

All right. It was courageous I'm sorry I'm sorry Let's I trusted you Let's get to one last question We're almost out of time but we like you guys

We want to squeeze as much out of you as possible You guys having fun? We need One last Mail Mail question guys having fun? We need one last male question. Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, sorry. It's a female. It's a female. It's a female. It's a female.

Yeah. Would you say Whitney Quidditch? Gwyneth? No, no, no. I feel like we use their names almost every time because they're the closest. Okay, so just... Top row.

Top row only. Wait, last row. If your back's against the wall, I want to hear. What? Poppy. Poppy. Poppy's nice. Poppy.

I like Poppy. Sexy pot Poppy. Sexy pot Poppy. Chicken pot pee. All right. Poppy writes, pot poppy. Chicken pot pee. Uh, alright. Poppy writes, Hey guys, I'm in high school and I'm dating this guy for about a year

and we text like every day. I used to not have a problem with this, but now it's summer and I like to do more shit outside. How do I get him off my back without sounding mean or like I'm trying to avoid him? Thanks, Poppy. Yeah, that's fair.

She doesn't want to text so much. But I feel like that resonates because you get into this rhythm where it's just like, uh-oh, and now I'm in a relationship where there's a constant state of conversation constantly open. That's why being in a relationship is so weird.

You just have to share every weird little mundane detail of your life. Yeah, on a rolling case. Hey baby, I had a sandwich. Yeah. How was it? It was nice. And then you also have like you want to keep it interesting a little bit. So you can't just be like, it was good. You gotta be like, it was

good. There was a little too much mustard. Winky face. Yeah, emoji. Some type of weird inside joke. The problem is when you first start seeing someone, you love the texts. You want it to keep going. It's cocaine. Yeah, so just more and more and more.

And then once you have that... You guys just booed because I said cocaine? Yeah. Alright. I don't want to go to Scotland, man. It's scary. It's a place where it's all them And once you get Once you get that rate of conversation going You feel bad slowing it down

I don't know You don't feel bad reining it in Responding less and less It's a slight And it's not a slight I have a suggestion Two things It's a slight. And it's not a slight. I have a suggestion. Okay. Two things.

Sure. One, this is what I want to do with my next girlfriend. God willing. Who might be here right now. Yeah. Anal. Anal. That's correct. Anal will shut her up.

No. How dare you? Yeah. It won't. It'll just make her louder. Or it might be a positive experience for everybody. Never mind. She's not in the room anymore. One.

Text very infrequently from the get-go. From the start, you rarely text. You infrequently text. It makes the actual meeting, like, conversation. You think that now, but you're not in love. You don't know what it is. As soon as you're enamored with someone, she'll break all the rules that you've set

before you met her. That's true, which is why I'm on to idea number two. Well, your first idea was bad, so we're going to go with number two. We'll call this 1A, which is what I'm going to plan to do after I fail at one. You say, it's so much more fun when I see you and we can catch up on more

than four minutes of day. Because when you're in a constant stream of dialogue, you're talking throughout the entire day and then you see the person and you already know everything. And it's not as fun. So you say, I cherish being with you. And it's so much more exciting when I haven't spoken to you all day. It's so exciting. We get to have this real meaningful conversation. And then you can do that thing where it's like, I fucking hate the internet. It's online. It's ruining my life. Every time you take a picture, it's like you're not really experiencing anything. It's not entirely true, but you can

say it. And then she'll be like, oh, that's actually nice. It's a nice thought to want to share these interpersonal moments in person rather than on a constant state over text message. Thoughts on that? Gay! Gay!

To be fair, that was his name suggestion. He was just really late. No, no, he has a point. That's pretty gay. What? The way you described your relationship with your girlfriend, the opposite sex, yeah, it was gay. Taking that heckler... Honestly, dude, the described your relationship with your girlfriend, the opposite sex, yeah, it was gay. Taking that heckler...

Honestly, dude, the things you do with your girlfriend are pretty gay. Everything besides the fucking, which is very heterosexual, is gay. So, for example, having lunch with a girlfriend? Gay. Taking her to a movie date? Homo, dude.

Blowing a male prostitute? That's fine. What do you think of my idea of turning it into a positive? Spinning it into a positive? Pretty gay, but I think I can save it. I think you just sort of peel back entirely. No, I don't think that works.

It does. You retreat. Because then she's like, oh, are you mad at me? This is fucking insane. You're asking me a question and you won't think that works. It does. You retreat. Are you mad at me? This is fucking insane. You're asking me a question and you won't let me answer. It's batshit crazy. Did I interrupt you? No. I really interrupt you all the time.

I'm sorry for putting you on the blast. You gotta pee again? Or are you just standing up to hurt us? It's time to beat us up. The last two minutes of the show is just you getting your face pounded in. We're very close to the end. We're really close.

Do you need to pee? You can go. Yvonne, yeah, I think you should go. No. Unrelated to the pee-pee go. I think you should go. Unrelated to the pee pee. Two more seconds of advice and then you're going to go pee and we'll end the show. Just wait by the door because I don't want there to be a crowd.

If you have to pee, you have to be ready to jet. At least stand by the door. Comedy before piss. Comedy before piss. You're entirely right. I'll make my advice really quick. You peel back, you just text a little bit, a little bit, a little bit,

and then the person's going to be like, hey, what's the matter? You don't text me as much. You're being crazy. You're being neurotic. I'm in love with you. We're doing fine. And then slowly but surely,

they'll match you. People are energy matchers by nature. He'll match you. He'll start textingers by nature. He'll match you. He'll start texting less and less. And then everything's going to be okay. I think... Is that us? That's it?

That is it. I would like to say thank you to you, Amir. Oh, and I would like to say thank you to you, Jake. I didn't know we thanked each other at the end of the episode. I think you did a great job. I think your advice was really on point. I want you to go pee, sir. I want you to pee so bad.

I think I need you to pee more than you need to pee. Ta-da, indeed. The strong man wants me to cuddle him, so now we're definitely going to leave the stage. Thank you, guys. Manchester, you've been amazing. Thank you so much. When the Dan Patrick show ends,

it's over. the box score begins. Nothing is over! Nothing! Join Pauly, Seton, Fritzy, McLovin,

and host Brock. Woo! Woo! Woo-hoo! Every day they react to the day's events. McLovin, do you feel any cooler after doing all that?

And plan for Brock's death. Just come into my house, grab my computer, and go throw it off the end of a pier. That's all I ask. What have I done? Go to podcastone.com slash boxscore to hear every show. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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