Segments - 104: Berlin

Episode Date: September 25, 2014

In this episode we discuss freshman year romance, saving yourself for marriage, and fantasy football. This episode is brought to you by Ting.com and Stamps.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. This weekend, we're performing on Sunday night, and you can get tickets online at lapodfest.com or get more information at our website, ifirayoushow.com. I think there's also a way to stream the whole thing live in case you can't make it out.

All right, let's start the show. Back on a Thursday, thanks to, drumroll please. Nope. Okay, ting.com. T-i-n-g dot com uh ding ding ding uh nice yeah mar had a dream yeah so what is ting okay let me try to explain it to you so i'll try to explain it to the dumbest person i know right you so you know how you who are are you talking to? The audience? Nice. No, no, I'm staring right... You all idiots. No, I'm staring right at you. You know how you pay a lot of money for your cell phone service?

I know how my dad does that. Uh-huh. So he's paying for data, he's paying for text messages, and he's paying for phone call minutes. Whether you use them or not, he's paying the same rate, probably $70, $80, $90. He doesn't need to do that. Your daddy does need to. He can... No, no, no.

If he doesn't do that, then I don't have a fucking phone, idiot. But he can save money if he uses Ting. I don't care. So imagine you're someone who does care how much they pay for phones. Okay. Okay, so suddenly it's kind of a big deal. So how does it work? Ting basically uses the Sprint network,

and they have plans starting at $6 a month. And depending on how much text, data, and phone minutes you use, they'll charge you a different amount every month. But that amount is oftentimes, they say, 98% of the time lower than what you'll currently pay. And there are no contracts, no termination, and signing up is easy. So how do you know how much money you'll save? Well, if you're interested, intrigued,

and kind of coy to find out. If you're a little coy? If you're a little bit coy and you're kind of curious, go to ifiwereyou.ting.com. They have a savings calculator there. They'll tell you exactly how much money you'll be saving based on an average of your current usage. So let's say you say, oh, I send 1500 texts. I use about a gig of data and

I'm on the phone for about half an hour because nobody calls anybody anymore. They'll be like, okay, that'll cost you this much per month. Oh shit, you'll be saving a ton of money. That's cool. That's actually pretty legit. It's kind of a game changer. Yeah, it is a game changer. So if you're ready to get started, go to ifiwereyou.ting.com and save $25 on your device purchase or get $25 in Ting service credit towards your monthly bill. Prepare to save money because you'll be convinced after using the savings calculator at ifiwereyou.ting.com. If you think you're spending too much money a month, this is a great way to cut down on one pretty high expense.

Because, you know, it's one of those things where two companies own the whole thing. They can charge whatever the heck they want. Your daddy's going to pay for it. Damn the man. Well, Ting.com says no. Not for you, daddy. DebuyWereYou.com is helping Ting out. So that makes us rebels.

Yeah. It makes us heroes. We're part of the rebellion. I guess. We're the... Oh, dude, we're rebels. We gotta... Let's just start the episode.

Fuck this episode. No. There's a war on. What are you talking about? We gotta fight the man. You're getting too riled up too quickly Unclench your fists Let's start the show

Alright Then and after the show Then we'll fight the man Would you say things got real this episode They did Yeah I would agree Enjoy I don't have a question to ask

so please don't put me on blast i know that you've all heard this line but i think that's your goddamn times so everyone raise up your beers and let's toast to Jake and Amir their podcast is hashtag dope and if they're listening I hope

they seize the chase I'm begging you please just seize the chase I'm begging you please Justice to chase If I were you Who do you if I were you? Tight. Yeah, that was dope.

Matt Radlow. Matt Radlow. Matt Radlow. What does that sound like? I always want to know what the songs that I like sound like. Yeah, that's like... Is it like Blink-182? Yeah, it was sort of like a mix of folk and punk. Yeah, folk punk.

Folk punk. That's why I like it. I love that type of music, too. What else is folk punk? Like Blink-182 used to do uh secret songs on their cds that were just acoustic and i was like very into it is that remember the uh a secret song on dookie i'm all alone yeah no one was looking i was thinking of you what are secret songs back when there were cds you like before you uploaded them onto a computer you could just see all the tracks or whatever i

think you could and it wasn't listed. Right. But if you just let the last song play... Yeah, sometimes you could let the last song play, or sometimes it would just be an unlisted 13th or 14th track. Oh, so you can actually go to it. But yes, I think a lot of times Secret Songs were just like... They were like songs that nobody liked, but they tried to put them on the record anyway. Like ones about Billyy joe masturbating well i think it was like incentive to buy the by the record like if you heard the secret song that's really funny oh right it's like staying

to the end of the credits to watch something in a movie yeah yeah either way matt radlow i loved that song i would like i want to go on a three-man tour with him just like why me you and radlow dude live podcast across the country radlow opening up with the guitar we should yeah we never have any like live band play for us when we you know it's cool in the london show which was destroyed forever uh the uh the triplets that we call the triplets saying that acapella version of their song. Does anybody have any video of that? Not that I know of, but maybe somebody there took a video. If somebody took video of that, post it on our Facebook page. Or YouTube.

Or yeah, whatever, post it. Email it to us. Put it online illegally. Find a way. Because the venue charged us. They swindled us, and we didn't record it. And they were like, all all right it's 500 pounds to record it and we're like well then we're not gonna and they're like are you sure and we're like that's right we won't and they're like all right fine and then we're like oh shit it's not

fair they called our bluff 500 pounds to what it cost hit record it was very expensive to go to London. We want cash for that. The venue also demanded that we pay for our tickets and accommodations. Yeah, we also had to pay to record it. So we said no. We only pay for two things. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. And I. I am Jake. And I am Bloominake and i am blooming and he am here

uh this is our first episode we've recorded in a while our first one back from europe our first one not in front of an audience we survived barely we talked a lot joked a lot about dying in a plane crash and it didn't happen toda yeah i'm glad actually it turned out to our benefit i think first of all most of any most like most uh most importantly more than anything i'm happy i didn't die yeah secondly i'm glad you're around too so you're happy you didn't die and you're fine that i'm around too i'm a number one i'm ecstatic i'm here i'm still here i am indestructible invincible yeah your plane actually did crash and you were the only survivor yeah not a scratch on me that's amazing i actually spent a couple weeks in a holding cell they thought that i had something

to do with it of course yeah every other damning every other seat ejected, except for yours. Evidence was stacked against me, for sure. To be right. So we get emails from people who are in difficult places in need of advice, and we do our best to give it. That email address is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We've been forgetting to say it. All right. Let's try to answer some questions.

Oh, shit. We need a fake name we give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity let's do people People we met in Berlin. Okay. Who did we meet? DJ Maxx. Okay. DJ Maxx with three X's writes... Look him up. If you live in Berlin or if you live nearby, if you're thinking of going or really plan a trip around following DJ Maxx. DJ Maxx writes, I am a freshman in college and I have a problem

with this girl. We've been friends for a few weeks now and we recently have started hooking up. Nothing serious, just making out and stuff when we get the time. The problem is, it's very early in the semester and we both think it would be unwise to get into a committed relationship. I really like her though,

but she said she's not ready for a relationship for months or even a year she said she likes me but she wants us to be cool if we hooked up with other people I'm willing to wait for her but should I refrain from hooking up with other girls because it might seem like I'm not that interested or should I just live my life

and wait a while until she's ready thanks for reading DJ Max oh I'm cool it doesn't matter i don't want to get into a relationship should i not hook up with anyone while she hooks up with people i still want to be faithful to her as like sort of a goof like i mean i'm also like don't want to tie me down this is the first week of freshman year. I love this faux casual. We've been hooking up.

I mean, she's pretty tight. I love her. Just making out when we got the time. I always got the time. I just hope to God she has the time. I'm sort of laying around biding my time for her time. And when those times overline. And I asked her out.

You know, wanted to sort of be more than casual. And she said, she actually had a good point. Let's keep it. Let's keep it casual. Let's keep it true. Should I not, though? Should I just wait for her always? She'll be in college and I'll act like I have a wife.

That way she knows I'm serious or whatever. Not that I give a shit. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Well, this girl's on to something. Did you have any couples that became couples the first week? And you're like, what are you doing so early?

So early in the game. Day four, you've coupled up. I wanted to do that. Nobody liked me. So you found one girl that you liked. You're like, will you be my boyfriend? No, I didn't find any girl. I was just like, I saw the people walking around campus holding hands and being like, oh, that's dope.

I want a little college girlfriend. Yeah, already. Like you're eager for one right off the bat. Yeah, I think there's something appealing about like meeting somebody the first few weeks of college and like navigating that experience together and also hooking up that's cool right but then you don't get to do it with other people i think yeah i think that like college is definitely a time that you want to be hooking up with whoever the hell you want but it's all i can see the appeal of like the first right couple weeks being like i want a partner in crime here, and I want that partner to be somebody I make out with. I can see the appeal for the guy more than the girl,

because the guy probably can't get every girl, but a girl probably has more of her options than this guy does. Yeah, that's probably true, but maybe this guy has more options than he thinks he does. Well, he obviously doesn't think, because he's like, maybe I should not hook up with anyone just in case she decides to change her mind. Well, that just means he likes her. He doesn't think because he's like, maybe I should not hook up with anyone just in case she decides to change her mind. Well, that just means he likes her.

He doesn't necessarily have any... So what would your advice be? My advice is definitely don't not hook up with people because you think it'll make her think you're not serious because she's not serious. She just told you she wants to hook up with other people so i think if you put yourself in a position where you can be hurt by something like that then that's not going to feel good and you probably won't be a guy that's uh desirable to this girl

i feel like she used a good line which is like uh she said that she likes me but she wants us to be cool if we hooked up with other people like that basically means i wants us to be cool if we hooked up with other people. That basically means I want you to be cool if I hook up with other people. Right. Because I don't care if you hook up with other people. Yeah, yeah. Just saying that is already saying I'm cool. Right. So don't wait for her.

If anything, it would make you seem more cool if you didn't wait for her. If you do wait for her, that might freak her out a little bit. Right. I think the coolest thing you can be is actually not to care. So don't hook up with people just so you can do it and say that you did,

but also don't not hook up with other people because then you want her to look at you as some type of celibate prince. I think you just have to legitimately fake it like you don't care for like a couple of days and then you might actually stop caring. Oh, that's good. Pretend like you don't give a shit until you actually don't. Yeah. And then you'll find another girl that wants to stay casual and then you'll be really confused. Why doesn't anyone want to go steady with me?

Um, that was a quick one. Do you have any, do you have, do you have do you disagree do you no no no i agree i say don't don't wait for her to come back to you and then hope that she asks how many girls have you slept with and you go that's right none and she's like why and you're like wait what do you mean why isn't it good you could always lie if you uh she wants you to be abstinent. Yeah. Like, who did you hook up with? No one. That's so sexy of you.

That way you got to hook up with people and you got the praise of not hooking up with anybody. That's the best thing about lying. Yeah, you can get what you want and then other people don't know. And then you tell people what they want to hear. Right. And then everyone wins because I've heard the thing that I liked, but also did the things I want. It's a truly win-win situation. Tell me what the downside of lying is. I challenge you. I guess having a... Didn't think so.

A conscience. That a small part of your brain that exists flickering hope that says you know what maybe this isn't nice i can't quite live with myself flickering hope my entire body is on fire i am all in fuego it is a black charred corpse wasteland. I am a demon devil. I am smoke. Steam of a scorched earth. Flying through my teeth. My forked tongue. My teeth.

The only part of myself that survived this charred nonsense. Just the enamel. So that they can freaking identify me as, that's right, Satan. How good was that opening theme song?'s really rad low this bad uh a bad mortician i think um this burn victim yeah he's satan what are you sure he didn't just get charred skin no he's the devil yeah i think he's i think he's quite so much the devil. Radlow. A really religious... Radlow.

You're going back and forth between the mortician and Radlow. So, dance up your dance and I... We need... Mudded on a beat. Mudded on a beat. Oh, female name. Great. That's right.

What was the name of our tour guide on the walking tour? Penelope? Persephone? Let's say Lydia. Lydia. Lydia the tour guide in Berlin. Highly recommend. I think it's called New Berlin Tours. All right.

Lydia writes, I have a slight problem. I joined Tinder for literally five minutes as a goof with my friend. I swiped and swiped and got many matches in five minutes. One stood out from the others, both personality-wise and looks-wise. And although before joining,

I told myself it was a goof and I will not give out my number, for this little handsome gun, I bent the rules just a bit and we talked for a long time, two days, till five in the morning. Now, here's the real problem. I have certain beliefs, and yes, one of those beliefs is that I do not want to have sex before marriage.

I know it's very silly of me to give my guy this number, as I know what Tinder is truly about. But from the beginning, I made it very, very clear that I'm not down for that shit, and I told him my beliefs, and dating is very hard for me because of my very strict family slash community. I still care what my family thinks. And he said sex is very important to him. But then he said he doesn't care and he just likes me and he keeps hinting for a date. Anyway, it's been weeks now and we are on Snapchat, texting, and calling.

He's asked if he could meet me, and I said no. What's his deal? He couldn't possibly still want to see me after I threw all that shit at him. What's going on? What are his intentions? Should I meet him? I'm so lost. Help.

A-S-A-P. Love, Lydia. I really want to follow up Pup after we're done with with this because i think the next email is that i fucked him or so this guy is hoping so this girl matched with a guy and she's like i don't have sex before marriage and he's like that's cool girl i still want to meet up yeah and then she's like uh why it's it's kind of weird because it's like what is she she thinks that every guy will want to meet up. Yeah. And then she's like, why? It's kind of weird because it's like, what is she? She thinks that every guy will want to fuck her, so she might as well not date anybody because she doesn't want to fuck them.

Well, yeah. Isn't that like how I understand? Well, I mean, I don't understand waiting till marriage, but I understand. Sure, fine. For the sake of this i understand it you still have to date people and fall in love and get married and right and this guy you were open with him it's not like she's like uh i didn't tell him about this but he still wants to meet up she said

i don't want to sleep with anyone before marriage and he said that's all right i still want to meet up whether or not his intentions are quote, shouldn't she meet with him? I guess there's no harm in just meeting him. But then all she's doing is like, what he's thinking is, yeah, I know. Nobody wants to have sex before marriage. But let's go. Let's hook up and I'll see how far I can get before she stops me. That's what it seems like he's trying to do.

Yeah, I think all guys are monsters. All guys are assholes. He definitely still wants to sleep with you and he thinks he'll be the one that cracks the code. Right. The family slash community code. Right. So should she meet with him?

I guess, well, we're going to tell you right now that he wants to sleep with you. He thinks he can. And he thinks meeting with you is his gateway to doing that. Yeah. If you think you're strong enough and you're still curious and you might find him attractive and you might want to smooch him or something. Go for it.

Sure, why not? I mean, you have to practice dating without boning if that's what you want your entire life to be. I agree. Definitely just practice dating. get to know somebody, smooch maybe, say what's up. That's all Gucci. Maybe. But we're also just letting you know up front his intentions are not pure.

Well, what is pure? Like you think that he doesn't want to date her and never have sex with her. I think he is saying, I don't care. You don't want to have sex before marriage i totally get that and he wants to have sex yeah i think he thinks he can still have sex and it'll be like some kind of ultimate conquest right like i converted this religious lady yeah i assume it's for religious purposes is there is there a non-religious purpose to holding out before marriage? If you're just really lame. Is being lame a religion?

Because I don't want to go to that temple. Would you, if you matched with an amazingly looking woman, an amazingly looker, an amazing looksmith, a real Mary Claire model, christine brinkley type six foot six if not an inch all right 280 pounds of pure tits cindy crawford cindy crawford with an attitude and a rapier wit cindy crawford meets chase crawford meets Meets David Spade. I mean, this girl's a smoke show and a laugh show. And she says, I'm down to meet up, but just know I'm not going to fuck you. Would you say, never mind, hell no?

Or would you be still into it? This is currently like this iteration of Jake? Yeah. I would probably meet up with her and just cause I would be curious and I would be interested in making out with somebody. Right. Cause then at the very least you could say you kissed a, a smoke bomb show.

Yeah. And I think if it came up that she was like, I don't know, like I think maybe I do want to have sex with you. If I like, who knows if i was that charming on the date which let's face it i would be i wouldn't be let's face it i couldn't be uh i probably would not want to do that i wouldn't want that on my plate what because she's like oh you don't want to do that you don't want to deface someone who

set up this wall yeah and somebody that wouldn't didn't want to have sex until they were married and then has sex i feel like chances are like okay cool i liked having sex now i feel like they're like okay that's the person i choose and maybe like the way to rectify this in my mind is even though i had sex before I was married, at least it was with my soulmate, the person I'm going to marry. And then you're like,

Oh, that's way too much pressure. Don't put that on me. Yeah. I don't, I wouldn't want to like, I wouldn't want to mean that much to somebody. Well,

maybe he's doing that thing that you just invented. Last question, lying where he says he doesn't care, but it really, he really does so that he can sleep with her. That way it's not the truth, but at least he will orgasm inside her. But it's different because he's lying

and telling her something she wants to hear and doing something he wants, but then she's ultimately hurt. I'm talking about white lies, like doing something behind her back. Like what? Like sleeping with her and then saying you're the one you're the one i do want to marry you marrying her then cheating on her and then he

tells her i didn't cheat on you oh so that lie directly hurts her whereas the lie where you're like oh i didn't sleep with anyone yeah it doesn't directly hurt exactly is there a difference in the lies that's a question for a different podcast listen we're not but the quick answer is no the longer answer is yes it's only longer by one letter so pick up your flash and ask do you have another name if we go to a third question yeah uh it has to be a guy a guy that we met a man a man with a plan that we met in landan oh wasn't that guy's name william the one that we sat and ate pizza with william that had just moved from scandinavia or sweden oh yeah yeah sure william We're giving these people

who we don't know also fake names. These are double fake names. Alright, William. Maybe it wasn't. Hey guys, coming back from spring break, a few friends of mine from high school texted me to hang out with them that night. When they stopped by to pick me up, a totally random girl came

to my door to get me. I found this girl really attractive attractive so we talked throughout the night and hit it off our night pretty much consisted of everyone drinking in the back of my friend's minivan as he drove us around needless to say one thing led to another and i ended up fucking her in the back seat of my friend's van with people in the car now everyone knows me as the guy who fucks girls in the backs of vans or the van man and i feel like this reputation is hindering my chances with other girls how do i fix this help adding more fuel to the flame is that this is also my virginity story so jake maybe you can provide some insight on this

one oh boy oh boy oh dear oh dear so this guy has a reputation of fucking girls in vans. One thing led to another. Didn't you say needless to say? There's so much left unsaid. And there is need to say. It was moving. You guys started hooking up and you had sex in the back of a moving car with people inside and it was your first time.

That's right. The van man. That is. Yeah, his friends aren't very inventive uh i'm known as the guy who fucks girls in the backs of vans yeah what about the bang bro it's not even good english uh so wouldn't you say i don't know if i agree with this but i feel like you've said before how being a reputation for a sleazeball helps. Yeah, it helps me. So the van man is actually a good plan. Stan?

Yeah, you have to start looking at yourself as kind of a pimp. That's your problem. Right now you're trying to go for girls that would be disgusted that you fucked a girl in the van, when in actuality, you're the kind of guy that fucks girls in vans. Yeah, dude, you're a little intriguing it's a little badass yeah uh i got off in a moving car while people were around imagine what i could do in a bedroom huh you like that he should embrace it and walk around uh with vans shoes

oh that's cool yeah so like yeah i am the vans man the Man. Actually, they call you the Van Man. Do they? I'll wear one shoe. A single van. That's why they're called vans, because it's two of them. It's two shoes. If you wear one van, it's a van. Yeah. Where's my van?

Where's my other van? And now I've found my vans. That's like one pant, one jean. There you go. Yeah. How often do you lose a single leg of your pants yeah a lot actually i'm the van man after all so embrace it is what you're saying embrace it uh how do i fix this i feel like what you have to do is stop fucking girls and fans and that that reputation will eventually go away. It's like a news cycle thing. This is just a hot gossip story for the week. Right.

That's true. Just don't don't react to it when they're talking. Just laugh politely and try to and like change the subject or move on. But don't let it get to you because that's when people start really hammering it home. Yeah, once you show weakness, they expose it. Do something even more insane. Yeah. Every week for the rest of the summer,

by the end of the summer, you'll be dead and everyone will have forgotten the van thing. Also, I worry a little bit about the girl. What's her reputation right now? are the what are people saying about her i guess we'll never know because van doesn't rhyme with man right whatever you say and do going forward though should be uh respectful to her yeah that's why you shouldn't play it up or play it down you just got to act cool and casual right i feel like one thing that people do like i couldn't help it man she was a slut she like climbed on top of me oh yeah don't throw her under the van don't throw her under the van although a van man tattoo might not be a bad plan actually a van man tattoo for the plan yeah that's actually... You should just make fun of your friend who has a van.

Yeah. You fuck girls in the back of a van. You drive a Windstar. You're a loser. Not even a minivan. Yeah, dude, fine. You're driving around in a minivan, and I can still get fucking pussy. You suck. Is a minivan not a van, or is a minivan a type of van i don't i guess i just don't think

this was like a 15 passenger van i think it was a minivan also van would you say van is short for something would you say van is short a vanagon what vans shoes i'm gonna look it up a van yeah van is not short for anything bad name no it's not it's nice i like it a van uh all right embrace it or ignore it those are two very feasible options yeah i agree uh let's take a quick commercial break, and then we'll come back and talk about our time abroad. Oh, what a time it was. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lif Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

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take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m.f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Let's fucking chat, dude. Berlin. Let's catch up. Out of 100, what would you give Berlin as a city? I really... It was up there for me.

Yeah. 95. Holy shit. Yeah. That is pretty high. And I'd only dock five points for the weather, which... And we went there during the best time. Did we go there during the best time for the weather?

Yeah, it was like September. It wasn't too hot, wasn't too cold. It was a little rainy. Yeah. That's why you're docking five. It was gray. But it was a good mix of delicious food, but also interesting history, cool nightlife, cool people.

Yeah. And cheap. Yeah, it was affordable. For a European city, it was a good mix of delicious food, but also interesting history, cool nightlife, cool people. Yeah. And cheap. Yeah, it was affordable. For a European city, it was very cheap. The funniest part, I think, was the absurd nightlife slash club scene. Yeah. Remember the tips we got the first night about the clubs? The first, I remember we were like, we went to dinner at like eight or nine or something

yeah and uh yeah they're like you oh this club will open at midnight but like it won't get going till 2 a.m right we're tired now we thought nine was a late dinner and we found out uh they're very strict at the door uh we were advised to not look at our phones and not laugh in the line. Also, some clubs, she was like, you want to go to this one, not till 3 or 4 a.m. You want to go to this club actually Sunday morning at 11 a.m. So it's like, what are these times? This club's open from Thursday night until Monday morning. The best time to go is on Sunday during the day.

We kept getting email advice from people about best time to go is on Sunday during the day. We kept getting email advice from people about which clubs to go to and the number one club that everyone talks about is this one called Burgain.

Burgain. Burgain. Bedekine. And it's also quote unquote like the most exclusive club and a bunch of tips were like

you obviously want to try to go there but odds are you can't go there. Right. Just four stories't go there. Right. Just four stories of house music. Yeah. Insane drugs.

And abandoned concrete. Abandoned concrete. East Berlin factory. The opposite of this guy's friend's van. So we didn't even try to go when you were there. No. But the funny story is, the day you left, I stayed there with our friend Marty, and we ran into two ladies on the street during the day.

And one of them was a College Humor fan, and they thought, since Marty looks like you, they thought it was me and you. And you never told them about us. Yeah, no, no, we never. No, no, we did. We were like, no, this isn't Jake. But hey, I'm Amir. And then we were talking to them.

We're like, what are you guys doing tonight? And they said they were going to Berkain. And we're like, no, this isn't Jake, but hey, I'm Amir. And then we were talking to them. We're like, what are you guys doing tonight? And they said they were going to Berghain. And we're like, holy shit. That's the club that no one says we can get into. That's the club that's crazy. Everyone's been talking about it. It's been so built up. And this girl was like, oh, no.

Yeah, I've been living. She was British, but she's like, I've been living in Berlin for six years. I know how to get in. Don't worry. You guys can come with us. We'll get in. OK. So we meet them at a bar before this is a sunday night and she's like it should be easy to

get in if we go in after midnight after midnight on a sunday night and which she's like this is one of the best nights to go to bergheim or whatever because logic doesn't exist in this universe we're like sunday night at midnight is the great night to go to a club. All right, sure. So we meet him before at a bar and she starts giving us the rundown on Berghain and what the hell goes on. She's like, first of all, you never want to go in a large group. So even if it was a large group of 12 girls, we wouldn't get in. All right.

You want to pair up or go alone. Alone? Alone. all right uh you want to pair up or go alone alone alone she's like avoid the first floor because there's large larts lots of dark rooms that people get dragged in and fucked there are people there who drag you into rooms and fuck you just like pull you in yeah and you yeah i guess it could have happened to me uh and then she said that she had been there uh 30 or 40 times and never been rejected all right cool we're ready we're gonna go to bergain uh we take a cab not to bergain because it's like remote you have to walk a little bit on foot through a very silent quiet part of berlin which before that night i had never been to like a part where there weren't just lots of people around

so we're walking to the club and it's basically through this residential area and you have no idea where it is but all you can hear like in the background is the deep house music so it sounds like it's like oh god like far away neighborhood yeah uh after a 10 minute walk we go through this gated fence through a concrete parking lot there's like people milling around outside and we see the front door and there's no line and then right before we get in she's like okay stop laughing don't speak english don't look at your phone it was all those rules about getting into bergain okay sure i won't laugh i won't look at my phone i won't talk it uh speak english so i'm with one of the ladies marty's with another we're walking two by two and another couple is walking in front

of us that we don't know uh the couple in front of us is like the coolest german couple i've ever seen like guys wearing like a tight denim black denim uh jacket beanie girls wearing a leather jacket leather pants high heels just like what i imagine a typical berg geiner to wear on a sunday night there's no line zero line we walk up straight to the bouncer, who's, I guess, the famous guy in the bouncing community of Berlin. I look up, and it really is just like a five-story concrete. It looks like a bond level, like an evil factory. Basically, like what used to make terrible stuff,

they flushed it out, and now it's just like this number one club in all of the world. It was kind of like, you know how we saw edge of tomorrow a lot yeah so there was these alphas this giant mega headquarter that telepathically controlled the rest oh yeah bergain was that it was the alpha of clubs so the omega the omega of clubs it sent out just like house music to the rest of europe by which it all powered so we get to the front the d the bouncer looks at the couple in front of us it's basically

three rows of two couple we don't know me and one girl marty and another girl he's the bouncer looks at the couple in front of us super bergainer german couple and says uh in english are you here is it all six of you or just you two and they respond in german just us two and he stares at them and goes you will not get in tonight and they just walked off without even saying a word they just walked off and then me and my girl shuffle up to the front and he's like you will not get in tonight i let out that laugh and i was like and we just walk off and then in the background i hear you will not get in tonight like what was he even thinking what was he even considering what was he looking at i started laughing so much i'm like what happened she's

like i don't know i've been to bergain for 30 times i've never been rejected is it because i spoke english no you didn't speak any english he she's like the girl i was with was like basically he looks at you and decides whether or not he thinks you can handle bergain but it seemed like a game show like i was i he looked me up and down the music stopped and was like you will not get in tonight and we just walked off we after a 10 minute walk she's like that was not bad i've seen people wait an hour and a half in line in the winter and they get to the front and he just says yes or no and you just have to walk away jesus it's so mean it's such a mean funny environment but i

was like so happy because i feel like not getting in was such a funnier story than then we got in and there was music and we couldn't dance to it or getting in and getting fucked yeah getting fucked in one of the dark rooms what'd you guys do after no we went to another weird bad club the clubs were hit or miss like the ones that played hip-hop music were fun but then most of them play deep house right well the problem is that you don't like that music neither do i but like that's people i for whatever reason uh unbeknownst to me uh people really like house music no it's like deep house it's like the next level of house where it's like barely music. It sounds like what music sounds like when you're on the outside of a club

where you can only hear the bass turned out, turned down everything. It sounds like they started building a song. They did the first layer and they're like, you know what? This is it. That's the song. That's just the,

yeah. I mean, I don't like it at all. And you don't dance you just sort of stare at the dj and bob your head right i think like hip-hop is great because you really jump around yeah and you know the songs jump around there's a melody yeah you know this is why we're not going to get into berkine because the bouncer listens to this he's a huge fan um but other than that berlin was great that's yeah i that berlin really was awesome we

got rejected from a couple clubs before yeah like i remember the first we got into the first one no problem it was like oh whatever and then we walked up to two other ones where there was no line so i was like just assuming we'd get right in yeah and then one of those bouncer was like where are the girls i was like. Because you can't come in. Excuse. Wait. How are we going to meet the girls then? I thought you were.

This is like that thing where you need jobs to have a job, but you can't get a job without job experience. I'm going to go in there and find girls, I assure you. I just can't bring them too. So, yeah. That's my funniest story pretty solid yeah i love it uh let's try to answer one more question i'm just glad nothing really fun happened after i left yeah well that was fun the most fun i had was getting rejected

from better kind and since then i've like seen like there's a bunch of people who are like there's websites dedicated to how you can get into there how like how do you look more like you can handle it I think uh you wear darker clothes I was told that was a thing like you have to wear black I don't know what were you wearing I was wearing a bright pink Yankees shirt and a Tony Romo hat and a and a leaving Las Vegas sticker that lit up in the dark. I love Berlin scarf. Lederhosen.

I had, what is it called? When you have like 19 sausages that are in a case. Oh, those links. Yeah, links. I had sausage links all over my body and I was holding a poodle and a single van, actually.

You know, the coolest thing you could do is, if that bouncer is a famous bouncer, find a lookalike, have someone spy on him and see what he's wearing, and then have that person, his lookalike, dressed exactly like him, try to get into Vergein that night. Oh, I can't get in? What about you, sir? You can't get in. Because you work outside of Vergein. Have you ever even seen the inside of it?

No. He starts crying. They won't let me in. They won't let me. Gosh. Actually, let's call this last one Sven. Sven? This guy, Sven writes, Hey guys, I'm hoping you can help me out with this...

Funny to imagine this famous bouncer in East Berlin writing this. Hey guys, hoping you can help me out with this fantasy football conundrum I find myself in. I'm the commissioner of my fantasy football league with my friends and a co-worker of mine. The league has been going on for about three years now, but my co-worker joined

last year. The problem is, all my friends are pressuring me to kick my co-worker out of the league, even though he won last year. They say he isn't cool and none of them know him and would prefer another friend of ours take his place. But I don't want to drop him because he's a pretty cool guy and knows football a lot. Plus, it makes us look like a bunch of pussies to kick out last year's champ. What should I do? Should I just kick him out and be a good commissioner? Or should I tell everyone to fuck off and deal with it? Thanks. Love the podcast.

Toda. What would you do? I've been a fantasy football commissioner, so I can give some real inside info. Have you? Well, what would you say? I think you've got to stick to your guns. I think being a good commissioner is about showing

them down the right path, not just listening to their dribble. They're saying, we don't like this guy. He's a loser. We want to invite one of our friends. You say, this guy knows a lot about football. He won, and I'm not going to kick out a winner. I'm commissioner you guys have elected me and it's my responsibility to make these tough

decisions that is that's pretty much true i mean this i've been a commissioner i've been asked to kick out somebody who i feel like the only way you the only reason you should kick out someone is if they don't uh like change their lineups or they don't take it seriously and it starts negatively affecting other people, these guys are just mad that he won. If he won, you can't kick him out. He's better at this than you are. Is that fair? Yeah.

And a fantasy footballer, you don't have to hang out ever. You just set your lineups and watch who scores the more points. So they're like, he's so annoying. How annoying could he be? You don't have to hang out with him ever he's not even your co-worker you guys are losers so the best way to stop him is to just beat him at fantasy football otherwise he has more right to be there than you do that's right uh unless i mean i guess it's like a draft thing like you have to hang out with him

during the draft but that's a once in a year thing. Like, you have to hang out with them during the draft. But that's a once-in-a-year thing. So I would say tell these guys that unless he finishes last, they don't really have a good case to kick him out of a fantasy football league. There you go. Actually, the real question would be, I was asked to kick out one of my friends sort of in a similar situation. He's like, because he doesn't ever want to play like he never sets his lineup he always like seems excited at the beginning of the year and then at the end of the year he doesn't do anything and everyone who plays him

gets an instant victory so then i have to like talk to this guy like hey uh the next year is like all right we're raising the buy-in it's like 50 i don't know if you really want to do it you didn't seem like he cared he's like like, oh, no, I'm in. I'll pay $50. I don't care. This is fun. But everyone's like, no, he never cares by the end. Who is this?

We couldn't price him out, I can't say. You'll bleep it. Oh. Really? But now that league is no more. It doesn't exist, so we don't have to worry about it. Are you in a fantasy league now? After a two-year hiatus,

basically fantasy football ruined my Sundays because you care about the little things so much that I couldn't enjoy the game anymore. Right, that's why I wouldn't do it. I got too excited or too sad out of every play, which I guess is part of gambling in general. It makes the insignificant stuff feel like a lot. So our league sort of disbanded two years ago.

And then this year, I'm in a league that was started on our Reddit, an r slash Jake and Amir league. For the first time in three years i'm back that's funny uh i had you steal from our fans no it's not you don't have to pay but i basically didn't do a lot of research i'm like trying to convince myself that i don't care a lot i'm like i'll just fucking choose a few players and auto draft the next and then like the first week i'm like i don't care and then by the second week i'm like feeling really really into it again and then uh my star player adrian peterson uh is embroiled in some sort of child abuse scandal oh no yeah so now i'm rooting for this

abuser to play football again and fantasy football has ruined my moral compass yet again there we go i'm rooting for a villain. I can't escape it. So, yeah, basically this guy is, as the commissioner, you tell them to suck it up and try to beat him. Thank you. It's like in real football, complaining that the team ran up the score against you.

It's like, these guys are such assholes. They keep freaking passing the ball, scoring on us. You're already up 50. up 50 leave us alone they're like you don't get to complain about that you just have to actually stop them i know i'm a millionaire that gets paid to stop them but this is freaking me oh great another touchdown you should be on the field i am on the field. I am on the field. I'm just pissed too because they're fucking scoring. How is this fair? Alright, that's it. That's our time. Oh, this is a bonus Thursday episode. A bonus Jonas.

Happy Jewish New Year to you and yours. The opening... Yeah, and Metuka. The opening theme song was by Matt Radlow. This closing one I was going to use on our 100th episode, but then Ben and Thomas just recorded one for us because it's sort of like a retrospectus almost. He made a beautiful composition based on quotes of ours,

and it's like a nice little wrap-up to episode 100. But now it'll be a nice one to episode 104. If you guys have your own questions, you can email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Also, if you have your own theme songs, email us as well, or thumbnails, which we've been posting when we post our podcast, to Facebook.

I think that's everything. Oh, yeah, that song is by someone named Sam Baber. Sam Baber. when we post our podcast to Facebook. I think that's everything. Oh yeah, that song is by someone named Sam Baber. Sam Baber. See you Monday. No, no, I love you. You fucking just said that because I told you to. Oh my God. i'm crying you're you're funny you're funny to me you really are you're funny me too i'm your bloomin felt congratulations you are correct

congratulations yes You're correct! SeizeTheCheese.com is available. Holy shit. Uh-oh. I'm not what you expected, am I? Bonjour. You said toadah. A trente eist water. A restaurant? Movie? Parks? a restaurant movie parks

the drug is from the earth unless are you hosting another advice podcast on this you're so insecure holding up my fingers taking two bottles you stared at the camera afterwards and winked. Holding a gray shirt and then flapping my wings like a goose. That would be funny if I just went into the bathroom and they heard the shower. The shower going. They heard the shower. This is, I'm allergic to Dove.

Choke Slant. to Dove. Chokeslam. They've actually done studies where it says girls are like clingy little shits and dudes are actually chill. Well, technically she wasn't my ex when I did it. Hey-o! We are goddamn safe.

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