Segments - 108: Park Sex

Episode Date: October 9, 2014

In this episode we discuss Instagram, cool kids, and public displays of affection. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Audible.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. This episode was actually, how do I describe it? Real. Wow. Yeah.

No other way. Enjoy. Enjoy. Hey, Jake. Yeah? You suck. There's a pretty girl at my work, but I don't really like my job. There's a baby squirrel at my door, and I don't really like my job. There's a baby squirrel at my door and

it's scaring away my dog. My point is that I've got a lot of problems and I don't know what to do. If only there was a place that I could email all my problems to, if I were you With the fade out too He did it for us Catchy, funky Justin Turpin Justin Turpin Justin Turpin I knew his song was going to be good before I listened to it

Because the email said, Hey, here's my theme song submissions. It's 42 seconds long, and I've attached it as a 192 kilobyte per second MP3. Hope that's good. Oh, so you knew he's like legit. When it's just like, hey, farted this together. I hope it works. And it's like a Windows Media file that I can't even open.

That's when I'm a little suspect but when this guy's like knows about encoding and how to make it optimized for our podcast i'm like oh this is gonna be good and it was it was do do do do do do do and we'll never hear it again that's the beauty of having so many talented fans you listen to things once and i'll never hear that song again that's the way art is supposed to be appreciated, in the moment. It's not meant to last forever. What about art museums? Paintings?

Yeah, that's a different type of art. I'm talking about music. You're talking about paintings. Paintings, I would say, is more considered art than music. Of course not. Yeah, art. Art is paintings art is paintings paintings aren't supposed to be permanent either really actually i think the idea the idea of a museum is it's it's not just it's not just archaic it's outdated it's actually fraud what it's yeah you think not only is it

archaic which i think it means outdated it's also outdated and then in addition to that it's fraud yeah it's outdated archaic and fraudulent but what's it's fake it's fraudulent yeah what they're doing is an affront to to michelangelo da vinci picasso that pablo himself is that why you tried to burn down lacma last weekend that i was just doing because i was i was having a high day i was high and coy for a day you you got 10 tickets and you tried to light them on fire like a molotov cocktail and i said this is what i learned at burning man and now i'm ready to burn this man and you tried to set fire to a marble statue and it didn't take. Did not even for a second.

Uh, well, Oh yeah. No. What are we doing? Uh, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and me.

I'm Amir and I'm Josh. This, I, this is a bonus Thursday episode, so we can get a little crazy. That being said, a lot of times people will be listening to this not on Thursday. I would say, that's a good question. Well, more people, Thursday will probably be the biggest, the most frequented day to be listening to this podcast.

But I would say it's less than 50% chance that you're listening to this on a Thursday. I would say like 20% Thursday, and then the other six days are split up between the other 80%. You're speculating just for yourself right now. You're like, you're turning away from me as you're talking. It's kind of like how... This is what you think about when you say, are you in a bed? White people are not technically a minority,

although it is less than 50%. You know what I mean? It's like the highest subsection, but it's still less than everything else yeah i guess so we're talking about specific statistical not really anomalies i'm really getting tired i'm legit it's crazy coffee you had half a coffee i know it's and it does nothing and i'm tired i'm sleepy just hearing you talk about numbers. Math is NyQuil to you. Yeah.

Yeah, art is fraud and math is NyQuil. No, sorry, museums are fraud. Museums are fraud. Math is NyQuil. NyQuil? That's museums, actually. It's a triangle. So how does it work?

People write us to ifireeshow at gmail.com and they're in difficult places they need our advice and we try to offer it dope that email address is if i were you show at gmail.com let's get started we have given these people these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity that was good though i did already say the email address did you i'm sorry yeah that's okay. I have fucked up. And I actually, I guess we don't try to offer it.

We do offer our advice. It's just not always good. That's true. So we always offer advice. Yeah. So we. Just not to every email. That's.

So every episode we do offer advice. It's not to every email we receive, obviously. Well, you don't have to say that. Okay. Yeah. I think we're getting, we're perfecting this intro yeah and then we're getting we're starting to digress yeah we've peaked at episode 93 probably uh okay i need um um um um a male's name a male's name what about an artist since

we were talking about artists earlier oh that's a good idea yeah um um um a male artist's name okay so that's jackson pollock right jackson pollock writes hey guys so here's my issue i'm a college freshman and because of the ratio at my school my sex life sucks but things are starting to look up i went to new york city and i met up with one of my ex's best friends and had coffee. Everything was really casual and cool. Here's where things get complicated. After leaving the city, she immediately texted me and told me that because of her school's ratio, she's been having the same issue and went on to tell me that when I come back down to the city, we should get drunk and fuck in Central Park. I'm going back to NYC in early October,

and I'm wondering, should I go through with this? I dated my ex for all of high school, and I don't want to hook up to get back. I don't want this hookup to get me back in contact with her in any way, because they probably still talk. What do you guys think about hooking up with an ex's best friend. Thanks. Love, Jackson Pollock. That's tough. Three issues here. One. Go on. Fucking an ex's best friend.

That's true. Two. Having sex in public in Central Park. Three, which is sort of a side topic of conversation. Maybe we can just touch on this real quickly. Do you believe in the power of ratios? Like, oh, the school's ratio is bad or there's too many guys to girls? Oh, yeah, no, it sounded like that was just their excuse for, like, fucking each other. But is there a ratio that's, like, when you walk into a bar, do you consider that?

Or does it have to be so, like, if it's within, like, on either side you're fine um i guess i don't really think about it because i feel like um if i'm feeling confident if i think i'm looking good i'm like okay i can like talk to any girls here but like it's almost good to be around a bunch of other loser loser dudes oh so it's almost better that there's 10 girls in a bar instead of 100 well it seems like there's probably better than it's 100 girls but i think i could like make a case for it being okay if it's packed with dudes because like i could just look better than them right so if there's a bad ratio at your school or at a party you can actually turn it to your favor right you should elevate up just because like

i think at any school no matter what the ratio of people is like most of them suck right so if you if you suck the least you're like okay there's like mostly dudes at this school but i'm like in the top 10 percent of them so it doesn't matter it sucks for like those guys in the bottom half so that's like me there's like 50 good girls and 50 good guys and whether there's a thousand or ten thousand bad people that's the ratio that's true yeah that's what i would say okay okay fucking in central park um there's something called the the i think it's called the rat boulders oh you're talking specifically like where they should go It's called the Rat Bulbous No the Rat Boulders I think Let me

I'm gonna look it up really quick Have you ever had sex in Central Park? No Have you ever had sex in a public park? Um Yes A public park? Yes

And it was just night time and you were just fucking in a park? Um Well I've done it more than once. Todah. Oh, yeah, Rat Rock. That's where you guys should fuck. Google Rat Rock Boulder Central Park. Yeah.

One time it was daytime. Daytime? A daytime park? Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Daytime? Uh-huh.

Standing up? I was sitting on a rock. Rat up. I was sitting on a rock. Rat rock? I was sitting on a rat rock. I was sitting on a rat and a rock. I mean, it's nice to fuck outside. I think I've never fucked in a park that was as populated as Central Park. I mean, that's like fucking in Times Square.

Yeah, that's pretty. That's populous. That's a thing. Yeah. No. But maybe if it's late at night you can find a dark rock like you said rat rock right i think if it's well if it's late at night isn't central park kind of thing why can't you go somewhere okay what about this guy's crucial

question which is is it okay or i guess it's okay but should you have sex with your ex's best friend? Right. Well, just real quick, I think you could get a room somewhere. Okay. That's nice. Yeah, I don't know why he prefers, or she prefers Central Park. If necessary, go to Rat Rock. If necessary, after dark.

Wait, why Rat Rock? Just because I think it's sort of secluded. Gotcha. Okay. Ex's best friend? Ever done done that i don't think so i think all my ex's friends hate me by the time we're like really breaking up yeah they're not a fan of you right they like hear all the bad stories so it's pretty rare that this like it would never happen to me plus all your ex's friends live in texas then yeah all my exes live in texas uh okay okay okay yes no oh yeah fine it's okay it's college exes don't count as real

exes right i think this was even a high school ex oh then of course that's not even a real relationship that's a pre-season to a pre-season that's not even a league that was a summer league it wasn't even pre-season don't close yourself off to people because you like dated somebody in high school that's but this guy's in college so high school is the one that's right before it's not like he's 28 i know so i'm saying as a 29 year old that it that you're that stuff that happens in high school matters so little yeah i don't remember anything from high school right i for me i was born on graduation day i don't oh i don't remember anything from high school. Right. For me, I was born on graduation day. I don't remember anything from college.

You don't have no, you just have a terrible memory. I think I really just have a bad memory. You certainly have memories from high school. Yeah. Yeah, but not a lot. Not very formative ones. I definitely had memories that like, I feel like i was cleaning out a hard drive uh recently and i was like looking at things i wrote in high school that would like that i felt like really mattered and it

was like laughable and affable yeah it was laughable affable deaf and dumb but at the very least you shouldn't put too much seriousness or credence on this high school relationship that makes you not want to bone this ex's best friend who wants to bone you. But he is afraid that it'll open up a passageway back to the ex that he wants to cut off. He's not even worried about it hurting her feelings. He's like, I don't want to be

in contact with her again. I'm afraid she'll text me pissed. I don't want her to be yelling at me at any point because that'll mean I'm communicating with her. I think it's kind of... I've never done it either, but I think it would be kind of cool to bone an ex's best friend.

It seems very forbidden, but also allowed at the same time. Yeah, yeah. It's the closest I can get to cheating on someone. It is kind of hot because while you're together with that person, they're around their friend all the time. Yeah.

Oh, man, you're kind of cute, but I'm with your friend. Right, right. Yeah. Oh man, you're kind of cute, but like I'm with your friend. Right, right. Yeah. It's almost like, it's the closest thing you can get to fucking your sister. What?

For me to fuck your sister, I mean specifically. Jesus Christ. You know you could do that. Which sister? I don't know, flip a coin. Actually, there's four sisters. Flip four coins.

No, no, no. Actually, all it would take is two coins because there's four permutations. So you'd assign like heads, heads would be Sarah, heads, tails, Liza. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Liza, if you're listening. And I know you're not. I know my mother is, though. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

That's why this is just a joke. This is all silly. I would never. You have four quarters right now. Like I said, I only need it two. So if you were him, what would you do? I would definitely do it. You would do it? Yeah, of course. I think I would try to do it too.

Because it's a fun story. And you're not in a relationship. She's not in a relationship. Exactly. And it's not like he's just... I feel like if they broke up and he was like, I always had a crush on this girl. Should I text her?

Should I try to meet up with her? Then I might be... I'd probably still tell him to do it, but I feel like I'd be a little more conflicted. She wants to have sex with him too. It's like a mutual thing. Yeah. I think it's okay.

It's a win-win. Right. Lose if you think about that third person But you're still batting 6-6-7 over there And that's pretty That's Ichiro level That's a great slugging percentage I've never boned in public

I wonder if I'm capable of doing it Or if I'm too worrisome Like am I too neurotic to actually Let go so much that I can have sex in public? You've got to be very relaxed to have sex. That's why you do it in the privacy of your own bed. Right. I mean, yeah.

You can't be nervous and then also have sex. I guess I can't imagine you instigating it, but I bet if you were with somebody you really liked or you were very attracted to and they wanted to, the idea of turning them on would turn you on enough that you could at least get hard and have sex maybe you can't come i think i think there was a point in time and when i say that i i mean i know there was a point in time where an instigation happened it wasn't outdoors but it was like a public space and i was like no no no no we shouldn't

do it because i was afraid of someone walking in where it was at a like a hotel but like you know like an empty room a hotel in my room with the door like there's surveillance cameras it's too racy like an empty like an empty conference room in a hotel wow you would you would have done that right of course of course i would not have i would be like if somebody catches me that's illegal and i'm going to jail it's illegal to fuck in a conference room why because it's public nudity it's not public nudity you were you were behind a closed door i think it's illegal to fuck in a public conference room i don't think that like if you got caught though nobody's like you like, you're under arrest. They're like, get out of here.

You're a little pervert. Yeah. I think you scurry away. I don't think you get, like, arrested. I think they turn on the lights and I hiss at them. And I sprint out of there. I mean, like, also getting caught, that's like part of the fun, too. I know, but I was a wiener.

And I want to change it. Who was the girl? Her name was... Just zero hesitation. And I want to change it. Who was the girl? Just zero hesitation. I named her in full. And actually, if you're listening, I'm sorry. No, she's not listening. She's dead.

Oh, no. She was shot by the police fleeing the scene of her almost fucking. All right. So go for it. Go for it. Run for it. Go for it. Run for it. Go for it. I mean, you already wrote for it.

Yeah. Next question. Okay. This one's from a lady. Is there a lady artist? Like, do girls paint too? Asshole. What? I can't think of one.

I'm calling myself an asshole. No, I do have one. Okay. Georgia O'Keeffe. No big deal, but I did name her. You know, you were looking at me, made me think for a second Georgia O'Keeffe was a man. It's like, oh shit, did I do something really bad?

It's funny, I was joking, but there aren't a lot of female artists. I think there are. But like in the olden times, the Renaissance era, there were none. They weren't like allowed to paint, right? I don't know. Maybe it was just not something. There's actually a popular theory that Claude Monet was, his wife painted all of his work. Oh, really?

No, but wouldn't that be kind of cool? Claudia Monet? Yeah, that would be cool. All right. Here's my question, writes Georgia O'Keefe. I've been dating this guy for around five months now, and it has been great. We get along so well in person.

He is kind, helpful, patient, et cetera. He's even introduced me to his family. I have nothing to complain about, which leads me to think I could just be looking for an issue because all of this seems like it's going too well. That being said, I noticed on Twitter all of the tweets he favorites are posted by other girls we go to college with, like their selfies, sexual lyrics, random tweets about how horny they are,

just all sorts of sexual tweets from other girls. Sometimes he still favorites and retweets his ex. I just don't know whether or not I should feel threatened by this. I realize how strange of a concern this is to have, so specific to our generation. I would rather have found weird porn on his computer than discover he is interested enough

in these other girls that he knows to favorite and retweet them all the time. I hope I'm not being overly sensitive about this, but it does make me feel uncomfortable and insecure. How do I handle this? Love, Georgia O'Keefe. Gee. Gee, okay.

I love this question. It's so real. It's so specific and it's so true. Millennial. And it didn't make sense. It didn't even exist five years ago. And now it's everything. Liking and retweeting and favoriting.

I'll throw an Instagram into this because that's a big thing too. Do you think it's flirting for a guy to like, retweet, favorite? I think it's like the most passive form of flirting. But I do think it's not flirting as much as like smiling at somebody at a bar yeah and like so you know it's friendly to smile if you're passing people on the street it's nice to smile but then you add it's like for whatever reason it's just it's slightly sexually charged yeah you get like at a bar on a dance floor you get a flicker of micro boner. Yeah. It's like when I look at my phone and I see who's liked of Instagram photo, if it's you, I feel nothing.

And then if it's like a girl that's somewhat interesting, I feel the slightest, faintest flicker of a micro boner. Yeah. It's like the first... And then you look, she's liked all your photos, and your boner is just flickering flickering the life it's happening i do believe in fairies i do believe in fairies you see that tink it's working this is me talking to my dick uh but it isn't nothing it's like the

first iota the first millimeter towards boning somebody. Yeah, it's not nothing. And the fact that he's doing this, I feel like this is what I said earlier, which is the, I said this before the podcast, is what I mean by earlier. Liking and favoriting someone's tweets or photos is the most flirting you can do without getting in trouble. Because it's like, just like this girl like if she confronts this guy he's like oh my god you're being crazy like i retweet are you really getting mad that i retweeted someone and it sounds so trivial right but if he did anything more it would be actually like a bad offense and if he did anything less it wouldn't be anything at all. Yeah. But he is doing something.

And she does realize. Doesn't it seem like just saying the word tweeting makes you like hate yourself as you're arguing. Like you favorited her tweet. Oh no, I suck. Yeah, but it's true. You do not suck for having those thoughts. It is.

I think if when I was in a relationship, I would purposefully not retweet favorite or like or do anything with another girl, like another attractive single girl. Right. I would like play it extra safe. That's interesting. I think, well, to me, it's okay to favorite, retweet, whatever, all that stuff for like to guys and girls.

But it seems like if he's just specifically doing it to girls' sexual tweets, that's kind of weird. Yeah, that's a little extreme. There's selfie sexual lyrics and random tweets about how horny they are and he'll favorite it? Yeah, that's weird. I think if it's like there's a bunch of tweets and he's like favorited a couple and you know it's it's it's a little more innocuous but if he's like just favoriting uh sexualized tweets it's uh have you ever uh like if you like a girl's photo you don't want to like just like her photo so you like some photos around it. So it'll be like, oh, Jake liked four photos instead of like, Jake liked Dana's photo. No, I would just like Dana's photo.

I thought you wanted to give me a clear public record that boom, I like you. When I hit on someone, I want it to be public because then it feels special. So you purposefully go out of your way to make it seem like a kind of a bigger deal than it is. Yeah. Gotcha.

Yeah, me too. No, you're very yeah i veil it you i veil it well you're also like i would never use that like news feature on instagram oh you see people yeah what photos people like you can see you can see what photos people like it's yeah just that never occurs to me there's also no other way to see what people like like i can't go to a lady's instagram feed and see what photos she liked right i i just there's lots of flirting plugins i would love to add to the instagram uh rolodex i have a lot of notes feature integrations well instagram is a really great tool for flirting because you've got just like the filters everyone looks attractive on it that's what marty said he's like instagram is the new facebook like you meet a girl you want to follow her on instagram rather than on facebook now oh yeah like because facebook's so uninteresting

it's like or it's like more i don't know you don't share as much on it early maybe you do it's i think you share more generations or you're saying oh you're saying you share more on instagram facebook but maybe that's just but also like the only thing i really care about people sharing on facebook is pictures i know i've never like look at a facebook news feed like oh i want to see all of like her statuses tell me about your status who have you become friends with today do you have any cousins oh yeah here's their family all right this is great so here's your sister your brother and what's your job i don't care your job show me the selfies bitch i want to see those hot dog legs at a pool is that what they're called i think so hot dogs or legs hot dogs or legs uh

but that's true i think that like instagram is also a tool. Like to me, Twitter is like, it's sort of embarrassing. Cause you're like, this is a silly joke I thought of. Is it funny? Stand up. Yeah. And,

but Instagram is just like cool pictures. That's, that's all you ever want. That's all you ever need. I want to see someone's pictures. It's all I ever, it's all you could ask for. So,

Oh yeah. Wait to answer this girl's question i think anytime you're in a relationship and something's eating away at you you should say something so i feel like the key is maybe to like not let it build up to a point where you're like you do this all the time and then he'll get defensive and be like i don't do it all the time what are you talking about you're crazy but just more like next time it happens next time you feel the inkling of uh jealousy or insecurity just say something like hey this something's like makes me feel bad or maybe she should choose or not even or but to build off that like choose the most egregious example like the selfie or the horny lyrics you're like it makes me uncomfortable that you like that specifically, not your favorite tweets in general. Yeah.

So choose one that seems like the most egregious affront to your relationship and then focus on that. And then maybe that'll steer him away from doing it in general. And always, pure heart will go into it saying... This is crazy. This is how it... I wouldn't say this is crazy. Or maybe you're like...

This sounds silly. This sounds silly or I feel silly I wouldn't say this is crazy. Like, or maybe you're like, this sounds silly. It sounds silly. Or I feel silly even bringing it out, but it's going to, but it's weighing on me. And also just not having any expectations. You can't go to him and be like, Hey,

it's pretty annoying that you do this. You have to be like, this makes me feel this way. And you go off of how that makes him feel. Yeah. This girl sounds like she knows her shit. I like this email. It was written well. I agree. It's like it came from my brain. I agree. Yeah, this girl sounds like she knows her shit. I like this email. It was written well.

I agree. It's like it came from my brain. I agree. Yeah. In fact, Georgia O'Keefe, I have your email address right now. Whoa. If things don't work out, holy shit. You're favoriting all her tweets.

This is incredible. It's working. You have a micro boner. She likes me. When you say micro boner, it's a tiny little hint of your micro boner going up, right? Yeah. You say micro boner? Yeah. It's a full boner, but I have a small dick.

I just realized that you described your erection as a micro boner. Yeah. Imagine when you squeeze the end of a toothpick on a table, how it sort of flickers up. But it's that size and weight. Wow. Yeah. So it's just like a flickering little... of a toothpick on a table, how it sort of flickers up. But it's that size and weight. Wow. Yeah, so it's just like a flickering little... Toothpick dick. Toothpick dick.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. We moved. No more solarings. And we're back. Woo-hoo. We moved. No more Solarium. No more Solarium.

That house is no longer. We'll never go back there. It fell into the ground as we left. Our home no longer exists. We've upgraded or just change graded. I feel like we sidestepped. Yeah. But it was a lateral move, but i think for a lot of things that

we preferred yeah like uh air conditioning yeah the air conditioning is nice it's a comfortable modern house rather than an old cabin type house right which i really loved that was nice but now you have your own little cabin yeah there i have there's we're recording right now from my little uh outhouse is it an outhouse i would call it a cabin i i think the branding effort is you know you and marty keep on referring to it as a shed yeah a shed a shed or this is the first time i heard you call it an outhouse which is just a shithole in the ground is that something that's been going on in the main place we are this is, I live in a cabin and it's lovely. Is it, isn't a cabin wood? I think you could call it, this is wood.

Is it wood? It's wood on the outside. What's this material that like houses are made of? It's like drywall. Drywall, yeah. Drywall in a cabin? I think you have drywall in a cabin, yeah. I don't know, dude.

Hey, more power to you. The acoustics in here are great. I love the shed. Don't get me wrong. It's a cabin. You're a guest here. Don't walk around knocking on my walls. I love what you've done with the shed.

I absolutely love what you've done with the shed. It's a cabin. There's a difference. But it's much more comfortable now. We're much more less sweaty we're less sweaty for sure there's less there's less helicopters too for some reason oh yeah i don't know a lot less ants yeah but only but only less not completely gone you can't get rid of ants they followed us they were in our bags and they moved to this house too answer like

the least disgusting you can be while still being gross like they stick to food they don't travel all over your house and like crawl on your body and bite you right but there's still a lot of ants and it's disgusting yeah i think you see like you see enough ants and you're like this is gross you see one or two whatever and then you're like oh god there's 10 there and all you can imagine is that like just beyond that little crack that they're coming out of is there's there's infinity infinity ants actually one time i looked up how many ants there were and i found a website that said there was a million ants for every human on earth so it's like over a trillion ants wow it's a lot like if ants wanted to this is where it came out of is

there any animal that if they could communicate and really want to take over the earth could they and maybe it's ants a trillion ants working together you don't think they could kill every human i know they could like if they all killed one person at a time ants can also they can lift like how many times twice their body weight right which is almost nothing but still. But it's like, you know, they're strong. If two billion ants wanted to kill a sleeping person easily, and they would just do that. They would wait until you slept, and then they would kill you. I think I'm going to write a horror movie about ants.

That's awesome. You should. They wait until you're asleep, and they kill you. How can you stop two billion ants? That's the log line. How can you stop two billion ants? And then it's just a shot of somebody stepping on them. Like, oh. It was that easy.

All I had to do was step on them. But they don't value their own life. There's so many of them. And also, one last point about ants is that I have a lot of hairs on my body because I'm a human. And whenever they touch something or twinkle, they feel like, oh, there's an ant. And I get freaked out. And nine times times out of ten it's not an ant but there's always the tenth time that it is an ant and that's all you need is the thread of an ant like yesterday i felt something on my back i lifted up my shirt and i'm like is there an ant on my back and you're like yeah there's an ant so now like whenever i feel something a single ant on me yeah it always

feels like there's one ant on it is like i saw a spider on my sheet this morning, and I was like, oh, fuck. Get out of here. And then I was like, all right, well, that was one spider, so they'll be there every single night. No, they're everywhere. Yeah, unless you kill him, he's going to relay the information that there's a nice, friendly human in this shack. Well, I did. The thing is, I have a bunch of spiders in this cabin not a shack uh oh yeah there's one right there yeah there so i went to that i went to a

spider exhibit at the museum a couple weeks ago and uh spiders are like i mean you all everybody sort of knows this that spiders are good but um they're like they're really good they eat all the bugs that would be bothering me in here. If you think spiders are good, wait till you hear this. They're actually really good. They're like, oh yeah, spiders, they don't bite. But like, it's really sweet. There's 40,000 species of spiders

and like only a handful of them bite. And even those ones that do bite, only bite when they're like about to be squished to death. You know what it is? It's bad PR. They just look nasty. Just like the cabin in the shed thing. Yeah.

We have to stop looking at spiders as evil just because they look evil. Yeah. But the thing is, there was a really tiny spider in my sheets this morning and I was like, I'm not dealing with that shit, you know?

So I killed it. And then I just, I looked right up to that spider in the corner of the room and all I see is it staring at me like I killed its fucking kid. Oh. Oh, I see what you did hey man was that your uh was that your butt i didn't i thought it was fucking lint so i i'm sorry man like that spider just not moving it hasn't moved in two hours do spiders sleep did you learn that at your exhibit? No, I didn't learn that.

If you're alive, you sleep though, right? Listen, man, I don't got all the answers. Frankly, I don't have any of the answers, which brings us to our last question of the day. One of my favorites.

Ready for this? We need another male artist's name. Nick Rad. Nick Rad, right. Look him up, everybody. He's an up and comer. No, he writes look him up everybody he's an up and comer no he's established okay he's an established and comer sup cunts i'm an eight nick how dare you sup cunts i'm a 16 year old dude who lives in australia recently i've befriended a popular student i charge i charmed him with my personality, which has led me to meeting and befriending other

popular students. I even got my willy winked by this 75 cent piece. I swear to god she was fucking mint. Anyway, I am successfully prying my way into this friendship group, but I haven't been fully accepted. So I have an idea. I've done some recon and I found out that there's no big stoners in the group. So this is going to become my new thing. The only problem is that weed does not settle well with me. I've done it about four times and it generally makes me super paranoid and really nauseous. So my question is, how do I make my body love weed? And how do I make a Oh my God, you loser. This is the perfect teenage question. I want to fit in so bad that I'm going to get addicted to weed.

I need a thing. And I'm going to do this thing that makes me nauseous and paranoid. The two worst things you can be is afraid and sick. I'm afraid and sick. Now, how do I make a grab ball? I have a two liter bottle of Coke. And what else do I need? An apple core or some shit.

It's so funny. He doesn't care that he's going to be like when i'm car sick i don't feel friendly or nice yeah if i'm that and also scared i don't want to feel those two things he doesn't need to be he'll have friends in the popular crowd small price to pay for being in on the group dude i'm gonna be cool at school if i can just get myself addicted to this drug that makes me feel bad. It's so scientific, too. He's like, I've done some recon. There's no big stoner in the group, so boom, I'm in.

Only problem is it makes me afraid and puke. Yeah, that's a pretty big problem. Maybe that's why there's no big stoner in the group. I've noticed that there's no people who are afraid and nauseous in the group. You're in need of a stoner, right? Token stoner. I bought a hemp necklace and some Birkenstocks.

So all I need now is to make it so weed doesn't hurt me. What makes the cool group cool? Were they all like this guy? What if they're all not cool? Is there anybody who's really cool? Is anybody cool when they're 16? I don't know.

Very few people. Or are they all just these people, this teenager who's trying to be cool? And then it's like, if five people agree that they're all cool, then they're the cool group. Or is there an actual cool group and then there's a bunch of fakers that try to join? I think there's an actual cool group, right? There was in my high school and what made them cool they were the most they will the girls were the most attractive and the guys i think they were i'm not sure they were all the best looking guys but they were the ones that the good-looking girls liked so it's this is the anatomy of a cool group

it's the best looking girls and then the guys that they are most comfortable with it's this is the anatomy of a cool group it's the best looking girls and then the guys that they are most comfortable with it's not always the best looking guys it's like the guys who don't give a shit like in my elementary school it was like guys that like gelled their hair before i even knew what that was or like got their ears pierced before i would ever even consider doing that yeah like that's the genetic code the ones that did that were the cool group Which is also weird because I feel like music's a big one Yeah like I was listening to the grumpier

Old men soundtrack Being into cool music And they were like into Pantera and Silverchair Why don't you be the music guy Get into music know where all the good shows are gonna be And you don't have to feel sick Yeah but you really wanna Be a different kind of guy don't get us wrong we still want you to change we still yeah don't be yourself well that's the real thing we he can change but maybe like in a little more

of an authentic way you should find something you're actually into and be into that and maybe they'll follow your lead there yeah and if you're gonna force yourself to get into something get into something uh like running yeah something that's healthier something that's healthier than weed and i'm not advocating don't like i'm not saying don't smoke weed i'm just saying don't smoke weed if it makes you horny sorry you're not horny don't smoke it if it makes you paranoid and sick. That's dumb. That's not what weed should do. If it does, then your body thinks it's poison.

And don't give it the poison to be cool. That being said, I kind of instantly don't like this kid because didn't he just start his email, sup, cunt? But he's in Australia, man. They're all that cool. Oh, bleaching hair. that was another cool thing oh yeah did you do that yeah i did that yeah so you were more like this kid trying to be cool yeah i think i was more on like the outskirts of the cool crowd because like my thing was that i was funny but i wasn't like quite cool enough to hang out with them all the time yeah i was never

hanging out with cool kids like on the weekends on the weekends just hanging out with my loser friends and then at school i would be like kept around for for comic relief yeah would you listen to podcasts like this one if you're 16 like were you a comedy nerd at all um i think i was a comedy nerd before high school like i had like the adam sandler cds and stuff yeah and i really liked those like i liked movies more than cds and stuff and i liked i liked punk music and then i like dave matthews i like i feel like i liked the popular bands of the time yeah you definitely had the musical taste of a popular kid right but the hot girls didn't want to include you i think it was just because i was too shy i think people are friendly if you're like, well, I guess high school's maybe not.

But I was afraid to talk to anybody until people accepted me to be funny and then they would look to me for commentary. And when I can tell that people are waiting for me to talk, I'm happy to talk. But if I don't feel like, I can't usually interject. I can't like... Which is sort of how it is now.

Yeah. Yeah. We still haven how it is now. Yeah. Yeah. We still haven't grown. No. Yeah. Can you tell me about what it's like dyeing your hair as a teenager? Sort of. So what is the, the beginning of it is seeing somebody else do it?

Yeah. Like Mark Hoppus? Yeah, it must have been like, or the guy from Sum 41 or something. It was like, just like a lot of kids in the punk scene were doing it and then i had like it was summertime and none of us had anything to do so like you buy bleach eli ian matt just like chilling we're like oh you do it with your friends yeah yeah you do it with your friends you all bleach each other's hair i remember we had remember we all bleached our hair, and some of the bleach dripped into Ian's eyebrow.

Do you tell your parents that you're going to do it, or you just show up one day for dinner and you have bleached hair? You show up, and they're like, Oh, Christ, Jake. Jeez, you look like an idiot. What were you saying? Oh, yeah, so the bleach dripped into Ian's eyebrow, and he bleached

the half of his left eyebrow so then out of solidarity we all bleached half our eyebrows yeah i would imagine being a disappointed father if that happened yeah my dad was just like because until you're 18 you're his property it's like oh look what you did to yourself you're like a dog that got itself dirty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're ruining his. He has to show you to people. You look like that. I have to go to his office parties.

The Christmas card's going out, and I just have a puka shell necklace and bleach blonde hair. Like, oh. This is all while I had braces. So he's like paying thousands of dollars To fix my teeth and I'm destroying Every other part of me So our advice is Don't get high

Try bleaching your hair again and get to music Yeah that's good And there's hope for you yet Everyone's sort of a turd Ferguson at age 16 That's right good luck Conti That's it that's our episode that's our time Thank you so much for listening We'll be back on Monday.

If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions or your own thumbnail submissions for all you graphic artists out there who've been using your thumbnail submissions when we post our episodes to Facebook, send everything to ifiwereshow at gmail.com. That opening theme song, again,

was from Justin Turpin. And this last one is from Jonathan Gould, who said he's had two other theme songs. So this is a hat trick for Jonathan Gould. All right. Thanks, guys. See you soon. Cheers.

Oh, real quick. Before we end the episode, we wanted to give one special shout-out to a band, 6C, that we use their theme song so often, Audrey Scott, who submitted to us so many times. We're going to use her theme song in the next episode, but we wanted to give her band's Kickstarter a shout-out. Just in case you wanted to support them for being so great on this show,

if you go to kickstarter.com and search Sick C, S-I-C-K space S-E-A, you can find out all about their Kickstarter and donate it if you're feeling very, what's the word? Charitable? Helpful? Good. Cool?

Beans. Yeah. So we wanted to give them a quick little shout out before this episode ended. Now good night. They'll only take a second, and they will pay the way. Take these are your troubles, and you'll do another day. Throw in a few jokes, and some of them are funny. They say some dumb shit, but she's protecting it on her knee. It's tough, and life's rough.

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