Segments - 109: Military Men

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

In this episode we discuss army men, online dating, and anal sex. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, MeUndies.com, and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Let's get started. Without further ado, things got real. Toad Eye, here we go. So if I'm stuck in a dire strait, I'd email into a man, Jake, if I were you. If I were you. Audrey Scott is back. All right. Her fifth, maybe sixth theme song. She's the one who comes from the band Sick Backspace. No, Sick Slash C.

Yeah, like seasick, but the other way around. I'm sick of the C. Yeah. Sick C. Thanks, Audrey. I think I might have called her Aubrey before, too. So I apologize and thank you. She was the one who we wanted people

to potentially donate to our Kickstarter. You can also check out her band camp. They have a whole band camp page with the actual songs. So thanks Audrey. Thanks 6C. That is our time. Thank you so much for listening. You think we can convince people who are sort of passively listening that they listened to a whole podcast?

Wow, time really flew. I guess I won't even rewind. It must have been a good episode if i don't remember anything it must have been a good one it was perfect because nothing offended me it was neutral so it was good nothing was negative so it was positive it was a net good yeah overall good episode uh this is if Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. There are other advice podcasts on the internet.

We're not that novel, right? Yeah, definitely not. Yeah, but it is the only one hosted by us. That's true. So that's the best way to be unique is that you just say, oh, I'm in it. That's the way it's... This is the only time that I do it yeah it's it's one of a kind because i don't do anything else james cameron wrote titanic but i wrote one too so mine's unique right it's the only titanic movie written by me yeah that's what i'm bringing to the table at the very least it's only that i wrote it and

enacted in it perfect um So how does it work? People write us in with their problems. They need advice. And so we try to answer it. There are emails. That was perfect. That was one of the worst ones ever. At least it was concise.

For all of your rambling, it was quick. Yeah, I stopped in the middle. So that was good. It's ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com if you have your own questions. Do you have some fake names to give these people if we want to read these emails but preserve their anonymity? Sure, since we're talking about being sick at the sea, let's talk about famous ship captains.

Oh, no. Yeah. Captain Smith of the SS Titanic. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. All right. The doomed maiden voyage I feel like all famous Captains are just famous because

They were bad No that's not everybody Who's so famous that he's You know that captain that just Was on a thousand voyages And nothing ever happened Jack Sparrow Is he real though Let's not give away future names voyages and nothing ever happened. Jack Sparrow.

Is he real though? Doesn't matter. Let's not give away future names. Captain Smith of the SS. The doomed. What does SS stand for? SS this, SS that. It's like

such a ship. So such a ship Titanic. It was such a ship. Oh, so such a ship Titanic. It was such a ship. Yeah, it's smart that they make it. Or maybe it stands for seasick. Ooh, seasick Titanic. Yeah. People on the Titanic got so seasick they died.

Yeah, and then it hit an iceberg. I was so sick of the sea that it froze me and I died in it and I drowned there. That's how Titanic ended, I think. Jack ended up being so queasy that he froze to death. He died of seasickness. Technically true. Hypothermia brought on by the sea. It's kind of a lame way to go, don't you think, Leonardo?

He did puke. He did probably vomit. All right. Hey, guys. What's up? Thanks for doing what you do. I have a... Oh, wait.

This is a lady. It could be a lady captain named Smith. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, a lady captain named Smith writes, So I've had sexual tension with this kid I went to high school and college with, and last year we finally had sex. It was awesome, but it was definitely a one-time thing

because he was about to join the Marine Corps. Since then, I moved to Wyoming and started dating a haughty cowboy, but the other day I got a letter from my past flame from his training camp in the Marines. The letter started out nice, but then got more and more explicit, and eventually he asked if I could write something hot back. The more steamy, the better. though i want to engage in this snail mail sex support america's troops etc i really don't think my new boyfriend would be that pumped if he knew anything about it how do i let this marine hottie down without being a total buzzkill poor kid's probably just trying to spice up training camp but he knows about my boyfriend and doesn't seem to care. Thanks. Love, SS Titanics, female Captain Smith.

I was on this dude's side. I thought this girl was a traitor to our country. Oh, my God. Right up until the point where she said he knows about the boyfriend. And now? Now he's a traitor. Oh. He's a Benedict Arnold.

And a Benedict Cumberbatch. He's also an ex-Benedict. Yep. He's everything. He's also an ex-Benedict. Yep. He's everything. He's actually Benedict. To? To this girl's boyfriend. This girl's huevo ranchero.

First of all, mazel tov to this girl from going an army man to a cowboy. You are a patriot. You are an American. She just has to get... One blue blood to another. She just has to bone a fireman for the American trifecta. Secondly... Another trifecta is when you fucking eagle.

A bald one. Steamy letters is almost the lowest form of cheating. It's like fiction almost because it's so removed. You write a letter and you send it off to someone. I think it's the kind of cheating where it's like, it doesn't matter to you. Right. It doesn't affect that guy.

I mean, even like if it tingles her loins a little bit, that's not really a big deal. But it's like the kind of cheating where it would really hurt the cowboy. So that's why you can't do it. It's not like a... But doesn't it seem, for whatever reason, more tame than an email? No, I don't think so. It seems way more intimate.

Because she actually has to handwrite it. Sitting down and handwriting it. But what if she got a friend to write it for her? Is that still cheating? I think she should be explicit, because otherwise, if she just has a friend write it for her and he thinks it's her,

then he's still going to write these letters back and she's going to be reading them. And it he thinks it's her then he's still gonna write these letters back and she's gonna be reading them and it's like oh my dick's so hard for you and it's like she shouldn't be receiving those letters he shouldn't be writing them with that type of cheatery energy i think she should say i have a boyfriend so i can't write that but i have this friend who wrote it for you or something like that okay so let's say a friend wrote it for her as her penthouse.com and i pulled this hot story yeah so here you go is it too but is that too removed for this guy to get off i don't know i think that he's not he can't ask for this letter because she has a boyfriend but it it's all fiction. It's not real.

Yeah, but would you like it if you're a girlfriend? I would love it. Of course I would. My girlfriend, creative writing, getting a guy off, that means she's a good writer. Who's going to know and then go fight for our country? Yeah, I think that's pretty good. You also, I think you want all our soldiers

to have as much testosterone coursing through their veins as possible. Oh, it's good. Let's keep their ejaculate inside them them they'll be tougher stronger faster support his troops his little boys his men at work uh so what would you suggest for this girl to do i think she could write back and say i have a boyfriend so i can't be engaging in this kind of letter, but I think it's awesome what you're doing, and I hope I wish you the best. If you want some steamy correspondence, you should talk to my friend so-and-so.

Yeah, the cowboy. What if she just writes a story? That's not necessarily about fucking this military guy she just writes a short story about fucking the cowboy i'm not saying any of it's bad and sends it to the military guy she writes a story about fucking the cowboy yeah i guess he wouldn't be able to get mad yeah because it's a story what is this oh it's a story about us that you sent okay. Why am I wearing a cowboy hat in it? Okay. So what can she do other than leave him high and dry?

High and limp. I'm suggesting that's what she'd do. I'm suggesting she writes something and tells the cowboy about it. So it's not like complete cheating it's like i'm gonna write a steamy story and it happens to be two people fucking he's gonna think it's about me don't worry i'd rather be with you i just want to support our troops and if you don't get that you're not an american give me that hat give me that lasso baby agree to disagree vehemently that sounds like the absolute worst of every world no isn't the worst she's like no because at least the secret when he the cowboy doesn't get mad he has nothing to be mad about but like it will turn into a thing if you go to

him and you're like oh so this guy i slept with is writing me steamy letters and i'm gonna write him one back but don't worry yeah don't worry it's just a letter no it's a short story you can't fucking talk about it it's fiction relax how did you get our fucking address baby we moved to wyoming to avoid shit like this uh so yeah those are that's what i would do if i were you all right and you already know what i would do take uh my advice not with a grain of salt but jake's advice with a grain of salt yeah okay uh we need another captain's question for this other military this is sort of a uh of military themedemed episode of sorts. Cool. So can you give me another captain's name?

Captain Phillips. Once again, female. A female Captain Phillips writes, I'm in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who is stationed in the military. I'm visiting him for his birthday, and I've decided that in lieu of a tangible gift, his birthday present will be a night of anal. He's always sort of hinted that he wanted to try anal, and I've always been curious, but he has a really big penis, so I thought it might be a bad idea to get his hopes up.

Anyway, my question is this. How do you present anal sex as a present? I guess this is a question for Jake, come to think of it. Do I just turn around and stick my ass out? Do I pop out my butt plug and say, ta-da? Please help me out, guys. I'm just trying to be sexy. His birthday is October 21st, so if there's any way to answer before then, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks, Captain Phillips. Phillips. Phillips. Phillips. Captain Phillips is going to be filled up with nuts. The correct answer was to say ta-da.

It was the butt plug one. The butt plug and ta-da. It is hard to present a sexy gift. No, it's not. Isn't it? No. To just be like,

I got you something. Oh, what is it? Anal it anal like do you say it i don't think you should say anal because anal is not that hot of a word really i think you should say like um i'm like i'm thinking about this and i want you to stick it in my ass i want you to put it in my ass so you just say no card i don't think you need a card what about a card that says like on your special day dot dot dot and then he opens it and it just says anal well what if it's just a card it says on your special day and he opens it and there's a cut out oh a circle on the back yeah and you put your pants down and you you put your sphincter right in the middle of the hole. Yeah, you match up the circular opening with your brown eye. I think it's good to just be coy about it.

Like, I got you something. If it's not a card, it's not... You can let him know that it's going to be some type of sexual experience. Yeah. And then as it's coming, then you just say, I want you to put it in my butt and that's the hottest way you can say it i think i mean if he's if he's interested like it doesn't matter how you wrap this gift yeah like it's so awesome to hear it doesn't matter the way you say

it will be really exciting if that's what he's into yeah secretly if he's hinting at it if he wants it she could give him an empty pizza box and when he opens it it says uh anal in like grease on the box and that would still be fine yeah because he would forget about the way you presented it yeah only remember the fact that it happened you can't present anal so poorly to a guy that wants anal that he won't want to have anal anymore yeah but he still gets to have you're not interested in anal at all no i wouldn't want so if a girl is like i got you something special for your birthday i'd be like oh sweet is it like an xbox no it's anal what's that is that the new nintendo all right so you are you're a moron

you think nintendo would market a new product as anal come on i wouldn't pass fcc regulations uh yeah i don't know what i would be like i'd be like oh would you would you do it uh the real question is would i give it to a girl that really wanted it for her birthday right uh i guess i would try it. It is still sex, but pun intended, but how does it work? Is it just the same as regular sex or do you have to like really work on it? I think it depends on a lot of stuff, but if it's your first time, you don't just like slip it in and, you know yeah it's not like like regular sex it's not big and uh uh as comfortable as a vagina it's a long process yeah but it feels like a real victory once there you know right and you you you you uh you can get all the way in as a vagina could?

Yes. I mean, not all the time because it's so small. Of course. So you really have to work on it, and sometimes it's uncomfortable. Yeah. Sometimes you don't want to get to that point where it's all the way in, but you can. I don't want to gift that potential.

Have you ever seen anal porn before? But those girls are not regular girls. Those are not regular girls that's those are not girls trying it for the first time oh yeah i think the first time it's probably less likely that it gets all the way in and you might get all the way in but like even if you get all the way in you can't like i said all the way in and just like you know fuck away at it it's like still yeah easing in i guess it's like the equivalent of having sex for the first time yeah probably like losing an anal virginity right the other problem is that like he'll be so

turned on that his big dick is going to be even bigger that's going to be a throbbing erection yeah oh i wish i could be there you should i'd love to see it happen, Mr. Military Man. I guess if your penis is smaller than the shits you've taken, then you could fit that size. Yeah, it's a muscle. It'll stretch. Yeah. Although poop is probably more malleable. Right. I wouldn't say poop is the equivalent of a dick in any way. But it does give you a good indication of how wide you can

open that butthole i feel like we're not qualified to be talking about like how wide buttholes open i think the thickness of your shit is exactly maximum size your butthole can stretch because otherwise it would be bigger and it stretches to the maximum butthole size it doesn't stretch to the maximum side when you take a shit. It just stretches to an appropriate size. No, it's like a ball of clay. It's like a grapefruit of clay and then you shove it through an opening

and the thickness of the tube of shit... Is that what the shit looks like inside your stomach? Just like a big grapefruit? I bet so. And it squeezes out? Yeah, I don't think it's shaped like shit until your anus shapes it like a sphere. Right, but I think that that muscle contracts as much as it possibly can through that process.

It's not like you're spreading your ass as wide as it needs to be. I think the shit spreads it as wide as it can go. But I mean, you can get something wider than shit inside your bow. I could eventually put my whole fist in your asshole, and your asshole doesn't stretch to the size of my fist when it opens. Oh, you think you can get your fist in my asshole? Yes, of right here this is let's do it let's fucking do this yeah give me that tub of lube all right good thing we keep it near here always the tub the industrial grade tub of lube uh that's you do make a good point thank you that uh i would say the anus doesn't stretch

to maximum but it does give you a good indication of what comfortable maximum is. I guess maybe that's true. Thoughts? I just gave them. So your way of, oh, right. How do you present anal as a gift? There's no wrong way. There's no wrong way to give an anal. there's no wrong way to give an anal uh there's wrong way

to give an anal there's no wrong way to present anal that's actually a good idea if you give him a rhesus and you say there's no wrong way to give an anal and then he's like excuse me and i and she says it's a meme that might be the only wrong way to do it. I'm no longer hard for you or Adel. After that weird Reese's Pieces based joke. Okay, relax, Captain Phillips. You're good to go regardless. Stand tall.

Or what do they say in the Marines? What's the stand tall equivalent? Hoorah. Yeah, hoorah. That'd be good. A nice way to say it too. Or while he's in you, you say hoorah. That's cool.

That's actually cool. Semper Fi. I think we need another female question who's asking about her military man. Okay, let's go with Captain Mia Hamm, captain of the U.S. ladies soccer team in 2000. Very good. I think you did specify sea captains. No, I think it was like 98 or something.

You're talking about the one where Brandi Chastain scored the game-winning goal and she took off her shirt in celebration i thought that was mia ham that did that oh no that was chastain cool that was jessica chastain no brandy from zero dark 30 yeah uh okay captain mia ham who's also a seafaring captain actually amazingly uh here's my problem. My husband is in the military and gone for long periods of time. We are completely loyal to each other while he's away, and he watches a lot of porn, which I am totally okay with. I watch it, too.

My problem is that when he comes back home from months of being away, all I want to do is have romantic I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever sex, and all he wants to do is first try some of this new hardcore fuck move that he saw in a porn video while he was away. Don't get me wrong. I'm into trying new things. But after not seeing him for months,

I don't want to dive into some twisted, perverted, depraved sex fantasy. What should I do to get him to want to have romantic sex? Sincerely, Mia Hamm. It's so refreshing reading female questions. Yeah. They're all nice. How do I give this guy a great present?

How do I tell him I want him to fuck me in a way that's nice? And all the guy questions we get are like, my cum receptacle isn't acting right. How do I just really kick her butt into shape? For shame. For shame. Men. So what can she do? isn't acting right how do i just really kick her butt into shape for shame for shame men so what can she do it's really tough because you know he's the one that's like away fighting a war or you know training or you know yeah being in the military it feels like it feels like he is the one

that is going through more of a hardship. But that's not necessarily true because she's also going through a hardship at home. A just different kind of hardship. Right. I wonder if he feels entitled in any way to come back and be like, all right, I'm like pent up. I need to fuck, you know? Yeah, like he has to go from zero to 100. He can't contain himself. So maybe is it like just to do that one night of like crazy fuck sex

and like let him get it out of his system and then just realize that like the next time will be for you? Yeah, you guys can alternate. Or maybe like Eben Flo saying like, but I also wonder wonder i think if you just told him um i love doing that new stuff but like when you come back i think you just you got to just say it especially if it's your husband and he's like and this is going to be something that recurs often yeah it feels like he needs to at least hear your opinion and

act accordingly because right now he has no idea that's that is your opinion i think i'm sorry i'm talking so much i haven't stopped here but here's my last here's my last thought on it he might think that like trying this new fuck thing is something that you look forward to he might think that when he's coming back and you guys get to have this like raunchy crazy porno sex that it's like something you love and that's what makes him love it as well i bet he would really like to know if there's a way you would rather be fucked and then he could do that and do it that way and then like because i think it's hot to get somebody turned on. Like I would, rather than like fuck really, really hard or something, I would rather fuck somebody the way they want to be fucked. Right.

Regardless of what it is to you, the best thing for you is to make them feel the best. Right. The best feeling I have during sex is somebody else really enjoying it. Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm an energy matcher. So the best way to the ultimate would be if they liked it exactly like you liked it that way they're liking it and you're liking it but i'm also such a chameleon i don't even know what i love you're an emotional chameleon

yeah you can change your opinion and it's not i i noticed once it's not disingenuous you actually just feel different things i know i just I just, I really kind of tap. You're not lying. I can tap into any part of me. Yeah. When did you notice it? When you talk to strangers, they can just say whatever, and you're like, yeah, totally. And I'm like, that's not true.

You don't think that. But maybe you do for that split second. You're lying to yourself. For a split second. Yeah. second yeah like if if somebody how how much would someone have to disagree like how negative how opposite to someone's to your true feelings must someone be for you to be like i actually don't think that way i think when they're like racist or something yeah when they're mean-spirited it happened at that when i was at that dog place the other day so i was like you know i agree with

everything that everyone's saying and then yeah it was like, you know, I agree with everything that everyone's saying. And then some dude was like, it said something racist about Mexican people. And I didn't, I wasn't like a good enough person to stand and be like, Hey, you watched that. But I just didn't say anything. It was like,

that's your equivalent. I shut down. I was like, huh? We have to stop talking. I can't disagree, but I also can't agree with that. I have to excuse myself.

Otherwise, you've made me racist by association. Here's the best way to achieve gender equality is an Excel spreadsheet or a Google Doc in which you alternate each way you like to have sex to ensure that there's at least as close to a 50-50 split as possible. Obviously, if there's an ebb and flow and sometimes he's reaching 52-55%, you're at 48-45%. That's going to happen. But ideally, you want to keep track of every time you have sex, who's getting maximum pleasure. What's hotter than a spreadsheet? Not spread legs.

I'd like to spread you on my sheets. I exhale and exhale and let's exhale as we both come simultaneously. I'm waiting to exhale. I think that makes sense, but that's also presuming that they don't like the same thing. I think they will probably enjoy most of all to have a mutually beneficial sexual experience. And all that's happened right now is that she's expressed her opinions to me and you yeah not the husband to be fair i am married to this woman so she's very passively telling her quote-unquote husband i did not know you were in the military yeah cool separate absolutely separate for that. Very, very Fi. Very Fi. Very Semper, very Fi.

A high Fi, to be sure. Yeah, I guess you have to tell him and then see how he acts accordingly. I don't think he'll be offended, especially if you offer him what he wants, just not right away. You say, oh, I like this at first and then this later. He's not going to be like, no. Well, I guess everybody... I'm going to fuck you as hard as I need to. I guess anything can happen.

I've been at basic. I've seen some pretty depressing movies in which guys act bad. So that's not out of the realm of possibility. It's so weird. They don't deserve to have wives. You're mean to your wife that you don't get one. This is why you can't have nice wives.

What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. Porn sex. That's not real sex, is it? I think it's real sex. They're definitely having sex. But is there a movement in pornography where it's real? I'm sure.

Like a guy pumping silently for two minutes and then like prematurely ejaculating is there like that style of porn like oh i want to see like a nerd yeah yeah there's i mean there's every type of porn you could definitely see that like premature ejaculation porn a hundred percent it's one of the like who gets off to that is it people who do have premature people get off to shame porn for sure let's shame porn um like a guy coming before well yeah there's something called jerk off encouragement which is like a girl looking into a camera saying like oh yeah come that's what i want you to do yeah yeah your dick looks so big i want to imagine it's in my pussy mom you stop listening stop listening. And actually, I'm sorry. You can keep on listening.

I just, I flubbed that, mama. I love you. You're my mama. Yay, mommy. Sorry. Anyway, another type of shame porn. But then there's also the type of like, and people can get off to that. I can see that.

I understand that. But then there's also that exact same type of porn, jerk off encouragement, except girl is like oh what is that you call that a dick like oh go ahead yeah you can finish wow that's as big as it gets i don't want that it's it's mean to you porn people like it there's real life is already mean enough to me i don't need my fantasies to be meaner than reality. Doesn't Jeff Rubin say if it exists, there's the porn for it? Yeah, well, that's like a famous internet. It's like Rule 54 or something, where it's like if something exists, there's a porn related to it. Yeah.

Premature ejaculation porn. A guy and a girl making out, and a guy just starts cumming in his khakis. Yeah, probably. That's awesome. What should I search? Cumming in khakis, both with a guy just starts coming in his khakis. Yeah, probably. That's awesome. What should I search? Coming in khakis, both with a K? Premature ejaculation porn. Yeah, coming in khakis.

Coming in khakis. I think you could probably do a tag, premature ejaculation porn khakis. There's probably dry sex, right? Like underwear on. 100% there is, yeah. Tight. All right, cool. So we're learning stuff.

So you could maybe, I mean, that's another less direct option. If you're into that, you could send him more like girlfriend experience porn. Yeah. And then it's a little it's a little more intimate, not just like out to me. Yeah, yeah, not out to me. Well, let's take a break. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Oh, Vision Lifters? Yeah, Vision Lifters with a Z.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general but I still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because I do know a lot like do you

know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kingsKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Wow, quick.

Yeah. In real time, that was two seconds. Holy shit. In podcast time, who knows? An hour, an hour and a half. We got paid a lot of money for an hour-long ad. We should do an ad once that's just an hour. Yeah, just sort of a, not a middle finger to our fans, but definitely a ring or an index.

And a thumbs up to the advertising world. Would an advertiser like that? If we're like, we'll give you an hour-long ad that'll piss people off? Oh, they'd be like, no, we don't want to piss you off. I bet you could. I mean, there's off oh well they'd be like no we don't want to piss you off i bet you could i mean there's probably different brands that would be like i don't want you to do that and then there's some that would just be like that sounds good yeah or there are some that are like oh watch out there are some that are so self-aware that like even even negativeness is good it's good publicity if people are hate talking about our product yeah so we can probably get somebody all right so the next episode we'll do that i'm thinking me undies or nature box square space

actually yeah oddly enough um what else should we reference is there anything that we haven't spoken about that we wanted to talk about for a break insomnia you have it yeah how is that fair why do i deserve that that's really funny after 31 years of sleep and good some now two nights and 10 days i go to bed and i can't sleep until like 3 a.m yeah why um am i jet lag after a month the the two theories that we discussed were number one too much sleep the night before which is the number four what am i gonna do just not ever sleep a lot i can't adjust that right i'm gonna i need maximum sleep well then i think the other thing is looking at your phone before bed i think you turn off electronics at least 30 minutes before you go to sleep but that that would make sense if it were those two occasions and never again but like if i'm looking at my phone 10, 15 minutes before sleep every night,

then it doesn't explain it. So give me my freaking phone back. I took it. There is a lot of theories about disconnecting, like forcing yourself to disconnect. That's like my app idea, Shame. Oh, that's true. That's a good idea.

Every time you load Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook on your phone, it keeps track of it. Then it emails you at the end of the day. It's like, you loaded Facebook 71 times today. And you're like, oh, I'm a loser for that. You loaded Instagram 63 times. 20 of those times, it was the same picture at the top. You refreshed it more than people could take photos.

And then I think it should also, this is how many people died in Iraq today. Yeah. It puts things in, there's called perspective mode. It's called shame perspective. Oh, and then you have an idea of where it's public. If it's over a certain number, it just posts it to Facebook.

At 75 per 24 hours, it'll tweet, hi, I looked at Instagram 79 times today. Sponsored by the Shame app. Four times in 30 minutes once. Yeah, that was my hot streak. Oh, God. You've attained addict status.

You've attained loser status. Yeah, it gives you prizes to make you feel bad about yourself. It's like, congrats, you get the Instagram gold batch. 100 reloads in a day. also loaded google news once you loser you meanie you didn't donate to this charity this charity or this one yeah is there a there are any ios developers who's like who are like listening and like i could probably do that in a day we should just do it yeah that'd be really fun shame app i would i like the idea of saying like also listing you make it like actual into something nice instead of just doing like um this is how many people died or whatever you should

yeah and this is a charity you donated zero dollars to charities could sign up for it if you feel bad enough you're a final i'll donate five dollars you've wasted an hour and 60 not an hour and 63 minutes an hour and 53 minutes on facebook and twitter today and spent zero money zero time or money helping people out you reloaded instagram for 30 straight minutes and you spent zero minutes volunteering at this nearby soup kitchen. Just keeping you posted abreast of your daily digest. Shame app out. There we go. Shame app.

Let's do it. If hour you show at gmail.com. Once again, crowdsourcing our talented fans who are better than us at stuff. Please. Because we have thoughts. We just don't have... Follow through. Yeah.

Ability to do anything with those thoughts. Yeah. Like, I can say funny. I'm not going to do shit. I can say funny. I'm not going to do shit. That's a great title for your memoir. That's my tombstone.

It's funny because it's wrong. I can't say funny anymore. I can't do shit. Last question? I can't say funny anymore I can't do shit last question last one alright the fourth military based question oh this one actually comes from this one comes from a guy

so we can use a captain who's a male in real life Captain Ahab I didn't get to say one so we can use a captain who's a male in real life. Captain Ahab. I didn't get to say one. Oh, sorry. I thought you were surprised when I said one captain earlier, so I just assumed you didn't know any.

Well, no, I thought of one. Who? Skipper. He was brave and sure to be sure. And to be brave. Skipper it is. Alan Hale writes, Hey guys, I don't often use dating sites, but I did just for giggles one time.

A girl sent me her number. Keep in mind, I'm 21 and she's 29. I saw her profile pic and she isn't the most beautiful girl in the world. Go ahead, call me a dick. Okay, I still call her. So we talk for a while and she and I are nothing alike. Here's a list of things. She is scared of snakes and spiders.

She is poor. She has no friends other than her 16-year-old roommate. She doesn't drive. She has acne. She barely has a job. She just had a birthday, and she made herself a cake then she tells me she has a military boyfriend and just wants to be my friend minutes later she tells me she likes me she playing hard to get or something the fuck should i give her a chance i mean i want an animal lover there's just there's just so many things wrong with her i I want to be nice to her, but I need your opinion.

Skipper, brave and sure. What is his life? What does he do? I want to know what you had for lunch today. For lunch, I had a bag and a ham. I slept at the foot of my bed last night. I woke up, put a shoe on my head, and tried to get on the bus by giving the bus driver a nickel. He said it cost $2. I gave him a bag of baby carrots.

I got off in between stops and I rolled home i did somersaults home everything is sort of correct but a little bit weird in my universe uh you had a funny line when i read you this email originally which is you are no you are no that's what you are, sir. Sorry, man. You are no. Unfortunately, as it stands right now, after reading your email, you're no. You're no. What's the funniest part? Here's a list of things.

It's pretty good. That's great. Is she playing hard to get i'm trying to dissect this because i definitely want in the fuck i love that he's concerned that she's afraid of spiders and snakes because he wants an animal lover yeah i want an animal lover that loves so many animals they love spiders you You don't like her in any way. And you're still wondering, you need our opinion if you should pursue it? I think maybe go for a girl that checks a single checkbox.

Yeah, she has nothing that you like. She's over 30. I think you can find one. But keep in mind, she's 29. We're not worried about the age. She she's too old, she's poor, she has acne, she has a boyfriend. More than anything, she has a boyfriend. To be clear, some of these

are not necessarily bad. Some people are poor, and that's fine. And having acne is fine, too. Some people barely have a job. It's just weird that he thinks every single thing about her is negative and then is still interested. Here's a list of things. John Quincy Adams had arthritis.

She is poor. If I step on a blender, it hurts my feet. She barely has a job. Eggs. Eggs are technically a thing. So, Skipper, don't be nice to her. Don't be nice to her? No.

Sorry. So, Skipper, be nice to her. Don't pursue her romantically. You can find a 24-year-old who has all these negative attributes, and at least you guys are closer in age just stop corresponding with her there's no need to do it i also thought this uh was a fake email and then he's like i attached a photo of this girl and this picture is so real that there's no way this email is fake let me see i'm not gonna post it but i'll show it to you like

that's exactly who that should be just such a real photo it's taken like on a webcam it's not nicely lit yeah it's just a real photo background is a like a definitely just a poster that she bought of the eiffel tower yeah she's like we know you haven't been to par. Uses poster gum. Oh, no. But that's people, man. Not everybody is like us, you know? There are people who are normal and they have jobs. Not everyone is famous and cool.

Unfortunately for y'all, we are. So peace out, motherfuckers. Yeah. I'm going to go fly in a helicopter. We're alone in a room. What? Me and you. We're building each other up. We're alone in a room. What? Me and you. We're building each other up.

We're alone in a room. Floating on a rock. For what? We make each other happy. For why? But at what cost? That's it. I wish this episode came out on Veterans Day or something cool like that.

They would give us a reason for this theme. But alas, actually, you know what? I think there is a random holiday the day this episode comes out. Yeah, this is Monday, October 13th. It's Columbus Day. Who was a sailor? Who was a captain? Wow, that's really, that's fortuitous.

And I just also want to mention, there isn't a day that we shouldn't celebrate our veterans and fallen heroes and active heroes and those MIA. Absolutely. And can I also mention that I think females, we don't even have to talk about gender equality because they are equal. They are equal.

It's like for me to say that we should have a movement to say that you can sit on chairs. No, you just do. You just do. You just, it's completely. And can I also add that I support ISIS? Oh! Oh my god! You...

Holy shit! About-faced. That's what I was looking for earlier. If you have your own questions that are not necessarily military-themed or otherwise, please email to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We begin and end every episode with an original song written for us by our talented fans.

That opening one was from Audrey Scott of the band 6C. And this last one is from a person named, once I find it, it will be clear who it is. And that is because it was written by Evan,

who wrote a Foo Fighters parody for us. Very nice. Oh, and please, keep the thumbnails coming. There's a lot of talented artists out there. Just to be really nerdy and technical about it, the ideal ratio resolution is 600 by 315. How's that for pedantic?

How's that for dry? That's a great note to end on. Please, when you submit your thumbnails, do 600 by 315. Toadah, everybody, and thanks for listening. We're out. Hello Welcome to If I Were You Podcast show

Shake and be here In my head, my head, and my ear And I wonder When I write into you What was you thinking about from the song and answer Will you only call me out on a Thursday blast The only thing I'd ever ask

of you is to listen to me and I'm in money You're a dude. You're a mean dude. But think about where this is coming from. I did wake up both nights in Montreal hoping that he didn't die. It's been a minute since we were put on blast, actually. It's been more than a minute. What's up, you mutts?

This is Kevin Clancy, better known as KFC from BarstoolSports.com, the most popular guy website online. Now we're doing the Barstool Network, which is everything that's great about Barstool brought to you in podcast form. We've got two podcasts. Mail Time is for the average working guy in the cubicle looking to escape his day with relatable stories of 9 to 5 life. KFC Radio is like every drunken guy's conversation with his friends, but with me and your favorite other Barstool personalities. Download it now at PodcastOne.com. That's podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry,

a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.