Segments - 11: Zero To D (with Allison Williams)

Episode Date: July 15, 2013

In this episode, "Girls" star Allison Williams joins us to discuss sexting, shaving, and dead dogs. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. So if you want to help out the podcast, if you want to support us, please visit frankenoak.com slash ifiwereyou. And if you like anything, buy it using our code, which is ifiwereyou10.

That's right. Frank and Oak has fire trucks. It has wholesale garage openers, door openers, and audio equipment, video equipment. That's not even a good job of lying. You're saying go to this store that has wholesale garage door openers? Yeah, they buy it in bulk. It's clothes. They have clothes, and they're nice clothes.

Yeah, I guess in seriousness, they do have a lot of cool clothes like shirts, T-shirts, button-ups, pants slacks. Sorry, but when you say cool clothes, they automatically become uncool clothes. So just say, you say untouchable clothes, all right? And I'll say chill threads. You say clothes that you couldn't even want, all right? And I'll say chill threads. You say clothes that you couldn't even want, all right? All right, and I say clothes that I wear. That's what's up. It really does help us out because, you know, sponsors love seeing people moving around.

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Obviously, if you're at the gym right now, you may not remember it, or if you're driving to work, you may not. But if you're at your computer already, it would really help us out if you go to frankenoak.com slash ifiwere check out the clothes and if you like what you see just put in if i were you 10 and get 10 off there it is thank you guys enjoy the show feeling blue don't have a clue what to do about you sit right down and email jake and am. It's a profound wisdom you may hear. Like if I were you, I'd kill myself at a Starbucks. Bravo.

Bravo. He recorded that himself, I think. Right? Isn't that how music works? Probably. Yeah, he definitely did. What's his name? Great question. I believe. Are you just buying time? No, what are you buying time? He recorded that himself on an instrument and used his voice. I don't need to buy time. I know things. And then earlier than that, he used his brain to come up with the lyrics. Yeah. Innate musical ability. Graham Garcia. There it is. How's that for the name?

Knew it the whole time. Hey, it's Allison Williams, our guest for today. No, that's okay. I was going to wait until you jumped in and then introduced you. We could have been here for half an hour before I even said anything. We've actually lost several guests that way. We had some really big names, too. Yeah.

We had... Kobe Bryant was on the show for an hour and a half, and he was waiting for his turn. Just too timid. Yeah, and then we ended the show. That was episode six. And then hour and a half, and he was, like, waiting for his turn. Just too timid. Yeah, and then we ended the show. That was episode six. And then he came back twice, and he still couldn't get it. Every episode, we haven't had a guest. Kobe Bryant was sitting in the room staring at us with the headphones on. Just had nothing to add.

Yeah, Beats by Dre. What? Very strange. That's the name of the headphones. I thought they were Skullcandy. Were they not Skullcandy? You weren't there. You weren't there. He's the name of the headphone. I thought they were skull candy. Were they not skull candy? You weren't there. You weren't there.

He's here now. Kobe, come on. Say something. Say something. Nothing. Dry. All right. He's a proud man.

He's stoic. Beats by dry. Let's do it. So, name of the game is If I Were You. It's an advice podcast. We get email submissions, questions, people in sticky situations, and we try to answer them. Sometimes it's me and Jake. Sometimes we have a cool special guest.

And today it's Allison Williams from the hit TV show Girls. But more importantly, from Jake and Amir. Yes, you guys know her as Cheryl. But she's also on television. You should probably check that out. But mostly just Cheryl. Does anybody ever recognize you and say Cheryl and not Marnie? It happens a lot.

It's a certain demographic, I believe. I can picture them. 14 to 18-year-old Jewish boys. Are they mostly in yarmulkes? Mostly. And there's not much overlap between that and girls, but it always makes me happier in a way because the enthusiasm level is higher.

Yeah. Oh, that's great. Because it's just like very excited, unbridled excitement. That's good to know. We're excited. Yeah, that's us right now. Yeah, because we also recognize you from our videos. And it's so awesome to have you.

It's got to be a weird experience. Yeah, the email that you can email is ifirayoushow at gmail.com. Keep them coming. They've been great. We were in England and vacationing in Iceland for two weeks. So we had like a thousand emails to get through. So these are high quality. We were very, very selective.

I'm really excited. And now we're back and we're ready to go. Are you ready to answer some questions? Yes. I'm so happy to be here. Oh my God. I'm a major, major fan. I can't believe it.

We're so proud to have you as a fan. You're actually our only listener. Yeah. Last episode got one play, which is... Yeah. So I guess we only listened to it once. I know. Isn't that weird?

Yeah. Usually I listen to it many times. At least tell a friend. Jesus. I did. Thank you. You guys listen to it together. All right.

This one comes from, let's call him a dude named Nick. A dude named Nick. These names are fake, but the emails are real. Nick is not a real name. Yeah, I just made that up. It's short for Nick Lata. I've been flirting with a girl a lot recently, and at night she often asks me to send her an exciting picture. I assume she wants to start sexting, but I'm afraid that if I go first, I might embarrass myself. I've already asked her what exciting means, but she doesn't really give me an answer.

Should I give her that D? That's the question. Should I give her that D? It's so well thought out and coherent. This guy seems nice. He's normal. Should I give her the D? Those seem like thought out and coherent the entire like this guy seems nice he's normal then should i give her the d they seem like two different it seems like he's he's asking two different questions so what are the two questions in your mind one is what is an exciting picture mean and should i send one and the other one is should i give her the d

the answer to the second question is absolutely green light really i feel like he has a picture of his throbbing erection on his phone right now he's sitting listening to this podcast like do i press send do i press send i'm ready oh you think you think he's gonna go from zero to a throbbing dick to d zero to d you gotta go zero to d you gotta pass like you gotta go like first thing here from now on let's call it td because it's got to be throbbing dick like there's no way he's standing like a soft a softy so it's gonna have to be a very short movie though because if you want to capture the throbbing oh sexting that's nice it's gonna have to be a gift yeah a gift of your throbbing dude that's an exciting picture that's really exciting

from uh how do i what i asked her what exciting means. So it's like, what's exciting? She's like, I don't know. Surprise me. And then an animated gif of a throbbing dick. Well, that did surprise me. That is such a weird adjective. That is such a weird move. No, exciting.

Exciting is strange. Send me an exciting picture. Yeah, well, I mean. You know what's not exciting is asking what do you mean by exciting. That's where it takes you out of the sexting. I think there's a middle ground here. He doesn't, you don't, like you're saying, you don't go from zero to TD. You go to.

You got a third gear, fourth gear. Right, just like this picture of you maybe making a, I've never sent sexy pictures. Yes, you have. I've never sent a dick picture. But what, so what's. So what's your version? Thank you for using the full term. A dick-ture. A dick pic?

I've never sent that D. So when they want an exciting picture, what have you sent? That feels so embarrassing. Actually, just get nude right now. Take a picture of yourself. Allison listens to this, so I've said more embarrassing things.

That's true. You've gotten really raw. Yeah. But like now that you're here, I'm mortified. I mean, in front of Kobe, you're just a cool clam. Very collected. Well, me and Kobe go way back. He's been here for like three different podcasts.

I guess I've taken my shirt off and sent shirtless pictures to girls before. Does that do anything as a girl? Like seeing a shirtless guy? I don't know. That's not a thing. I don't know. Were they asked for or for unsolicited they were always solicited i mean let me clarify to any lawyer listening they were of of consenting age and and they asked for the picture you guys have a mostly lawyer audience mostly mostly 14 year old jewish lawyers i think um I'm trying to think of where I was going with this.

All right, so here's my theory. This is a theory. Are you changing my, you're not answering my question of what you said. Oh, no, a shirtless picture of me with no shirt on flexing in a mirror. Flexing as hard as you can. As hard as absolutely hard. After you did how many pushups? You popped blood vessels.

The sad thing is that I didn't even send them a current picture. It was like a picture from like several months before when I had like worked out. It was a picture I remember clearly I sent it to my brother. So I had a picture where I looked strong on my phone and that's what I sent to this girl. But I think when it comes to guys sending exciting pictures, it's only like collateral. Because like girls definitely, I don't think girls get off to a picture of me shirtless i feel like that picture goes from her cell phone to her friends yeah and it's like now i've got you like now i can send you one so you're just using it to like okay you have if you want to embarrass me you can because i have you have an embarrassing photo

of me now send me an embarrassing photo of you and for girls it's a little bit more than just the shirt yeah so like she can send a picture of her boobs. And she's got one of him compromised. Yeah. So now it's like, if you want to leak it, then I'll leak yours. Right. So we're both embarrassing ourselves here. I don't know.

I feel like she's just being strange. I think she's weird. You think she's weird? Yeah, I think she's weird. For wanting an exciting picture. For asking for it so explicitly is weird. And for specifying the kind of picture. Well, like, if you don't ask for it, you just, how do you get it?

How do you get there? Just see it in person. What do you mean, see it in person? I know. It's so old-fashioned. You mean an email? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

An email. Oh, she means video chat. Well, so what's the advice? I say do not send the D. Don't go zero to D. Exciting picture, you know, send her a picture of a dinosaur. What's more exciting than an ankylosaurus? Huh?

I don't know. Very little. I agree. I think you send her a picture of your face, maybe of your body, maybe not D. Not D. No, no, no. Do not send her the D. D is really the last picture.

I think he means dinosaur by D, actually. Oh, don't send her the D. It's actually a dinosaur's dick, though. Wow, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The double Ds. If this were us, we're stacked. What do you say?

I would say don't send the D. Because once you send the D, game over. Yeah, she's seen it. Yeah, she doesn't have to send anything back. That's not how it works. Also, I'm not sure how photogenic they are. Yeah. They're not.

You have to like, oh, my God. I've tried to take dick pics. I've never sent one. But trust, I've definitely sent this to them. Your phone is just littered with your own dick pics. Yeah. Anytime I show someone my phone, I'm like, do not swipe it left or right. I mean, yeah.

Girls' privates are so much more photogenic than guys' privates, I think. Yeah. Jesus. An erect, throbbing penis is the most unattractive looking thing it's a pretty aggressive move yeah so don't don't send the day don't send a thumbs up but i'm saying work up to it can you send me an exciting picture that's good you definitely want your thumbs up in the dick picture so yeah you can see like the reference scale yeah exactly or like you can be gripping the d and like by doing so, it's a thumbs up.

That's true. So like, oh, thumbs up to you. I'm also holding a D. That's what's up, Nick. I don't know. I feel like we're venturing back into the D territory. That would be some good progress getting away from it. All right.

We gave Nick some solid advice. Let's move on. The email again is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And this one comes from someone named Mike. Fake name. Fake name. Fake name. Don't worry. We're not going to expose this person.

My neighbors left for a trip two weeks ago, and they asked me to feed and walk their dog every day. I've done it before, so it's not that big of a deal. Now, this dog is really old. He's 12 years old, and on the seventh day, I completely forgot about the dog. My parents left with a car, so I had no way to get to the house. I went to go feed the dog the very next morning but he was dead. I couldn't have died. It couldn't have died

after one night without food, right? Does this make me a bad person? And in some way is this my parents' fault? Because when I called them for the car they reassured me it would be fine. Sad face. How can I tell the owners and how will I tell my parents and how will I get paid? Love, Mike. Wait, this is the most heartbreaking story I've ever heard.

This is my favorite question we've ever gotten on the podcast. Do you think this is real? I think it's real. I think that you can't make up being such a dumb, bad person. The last question is how do I get paid? Right, and one of them is does this make me a bad person? So quick answer, yes. Yeah, for sure.

Also, next door neighbor requires a car? I'm missing that logic. They must live very, very far away from their neighbors. They're very wealthy. OK, we're putting this together. Or he's extremely lazy. I mean, he's a bad person for trying to pin this on his parents. They said it was OK.

Like, in the beginning, he says, they ask me to do it all the time, so it's no big deal. And then fast forward to, I completely forgot. For a whole day. An entire day. And then you're saying, like, is it my parents' fault that you forgot for a day, and then at night they didn't have the car? I think Mike just wanted to feel a little bit better, but no, Mike, you have blood on your hands.

You have a 12-year-old loyal, faithful. Oh, my God. Yeah, that dog got a personality got a personality. Dogs are so, they're the best. Right. Mike, you deserve to be dead. That dog should be alive. I'm sorry. Again, to the young lawyers listening, that was not a real threat. I'm sorry, Mike. If you're under 14, I'll send you a picture of my dick. I don't know. Amir, what do you think? How can I tell the owners? You don't have to tell them. They'll find out.

How will I tell my parents? You have to tell the owners. Oh, by the way, before you go in, before you go in, Betty, she's... Right, so he's not even... On the seventh day, he forgot. That's about half of his job. On the seventh day. They were gone for two weeks.

On the seventh day, he forgot. Can you imagine if the Old Testament went that way? On the seventh day day he forgot to feed everything it just created and it died. But he wanted to get paid. Yeah, you're not getting paid. You ass. How do I pass this off onto my parents

and then so I can still get the money? I'd love to at least get paid six-seventh of what I'm owed. I mean, let's say I'm owed $70, give me $60. Yes, this was a loyal service dog being raised to lead blind children. I don't think

you will get paid. I think you get paid at the end if services are completed and rendered and judging by the dead dog, they weren't. Well,

to be fair, he did it for the first six days. And wait, weren't they gone for two weeks? Oh, that's true. So yeah, he did it for six days.

On the seventh day, he's dead. So the dog is presumably... Well, actually, on the seventh day it's dead so the dog is well actually on the seventh day he wasn't dead on the eighth day he was dead the seventh day he forgot so i mean the dog's still alive kind of under his care yeah and i feel like he's stressed out enough about it so he's kind of owed payment for that day i feel like he's saying two hundred dollars for the two weeks i say a hundred dollars he's owed for the half the half effort for the half but i think he should be liable for cremating

the dog, which I think is inexpensive. Oh my god. Have you ever had a dog that died? Yeah. I just feel so bad for the family. They went on vacation. Two weeks is a long time to be on vacation. To be on the dog too. When I used to go on vacation with my family, we'd be so excited to come back to the dog. I know. That was the one thing

that was like, leaving vacation okay. Like, alright, well, at least we get to go see Bob, you know? Bob. Bob. That was my dog's name. Bob, R-I-P. You had Lucy? Lucy. What kind of dog was Lucy? She was a little white mutt. She looked like a wolf. Fuck yeah, dude. Bob was a mutt. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Mutts are the best. And that's our time. Thank you so much. So our advice is, give me your address so I can come kick your ass for murdering Bob. And Lucy for crying out loud. Remember in Home Alone where he sets up that booby trap where the guy walks in and then the paint can just swings in and hits the person?

I can't wait to see if this is relevant. Me too. So I think that's how we should tell the neighbors. You tie up the dead dog on a rope and then they open. Buy a service vest. And it sort of swings in, greets the owners one last time. They'll notice it's dead. You're worse than Mike.

You play a fool. That's terrible. You act dumb. 12-year-old dog, that's sort of old, right? Six days decomposition. Yeah. Oh, my God. Rigor mortis.

This is bad. Jesus Christ. All right. I keep on thinking. No, I don't want to think about the dead dog. I guess you have to call the police. On yourself. Call the cops on yourself.

You've got to call the owners, tell them what happened, tell them the truth. Can you get arrested for this? No, I don't think so. If it were a child, you could. What if you did it on purpose? Did you get arrested? Probably. Interesting.

I don't know. I don't think so. What animals would you get arrested for killing on purpose? You've got to arrest dogs. Can you What animals would you get arrested for killing on purpose? You got to arrest dogs. Can you? Michael Vick got arrested for killing dogs. Or did he get arrested for, like, organizing dog fights and torturing dogs? Animal cruelty is definitely a crime.

That you can go to jail for? Yeah. I think so, yeah. All right, good. You're going to jail, dude. I got my thing. I just dialed 911. Yeah, Mike.

Sorry, my advice is... Does he need advice? No, I mean... Also, you've been gone for weeks. He emailed you. This has come to some kind of resolution already. Oh, that's good. That's true.

Email us and let us know how it went. We can do a follow-up. Please do. All right. Anything to add, or should we move on to the next question? I'd like to add RIP, move on to the next question i'd like to add rip uh dog this one this episode is actually now dedicated to you yeah um all right

here's another email from uh i'm trying to think if it's a okay it's a girl so we'll call her carrie carrie i like this guy named matthew and I'm seeing and talking to him a lot. But my ex, Kevin, just got a new girlfriend, and I am so jealous. I know if Kevin is bad for me, he just leaves me and comes back and uses me for blowjobs. Any advice to get over him? It's really hard because he's my best friend's uncle. What? I feel like the amount of dick content in the beginning of this podcast just became so inappropriate. Oh, my God.

Let's not even give her advice. Let's just laugh for another 30 seconds and move on. It's really hard because he's my best friend's uncle. Oh, this is even the best part. P.S. He's younger than my best friend. So think about that. Where do you live? How does that even work? I think your parents have kids that are like 25 years apart.

And then the older brother has a son when he's 24. Jesus Christ. So the daughter has a son before the mom has his last son. Wow, this is coming really easily to you. The uncle is older. As you said, 25 years apart, I just knew I wasn't going to get it. There was math involved. I checked out.

My eyes just went. I just started thinking about Bob again. RIP. Hashtag Bob. R.I.P. Hashtag Bob. This is crazy. He only ever uses me for blowjays. Did she say blowjay?

No, she says blowjobs. Let's change it to blowjay. I'm cool with that. Blowjay Simpson. And it's really hard because he's my best friend's uncle. P.S. He's younger than my best friend. Well, that helps because my mental image of her best friend's uncle was like an old guy.

But she's 50. I mean, it's like in the question, how do I get over him? He uses me for blowjobs. Like, just think about that. Yeah, that's not a very good... Just think about that experience. That's not a good place to be. And you like this guy.

Who's the guy that she said she likes? She loves Kevin. Kevin. And she likes this guy named Matthew. Matthew. All right, so her and Matthew, Carrie and Matthew, they're a good thing. Yeah. They're a good thing.

He appreciates her. They're crushing on each other. Yeah. It's nice. And then Kevin. Best friend's uncle. Who has a girlfriend. That's right.

And she's so jealous. New girlfriend. New girlfriend. But he still is getting blowjobs from his old girlfriend. So Kevin sounds like a shithead, right? Yeah, Kevin's a really bad guy. Is Kevin an uncle? Kevin is a goddamn uncle.

The weirdest part about Kevin is that his nephew is two years older than him. That shouldn't be right. No, his niece. Oh, yeah, or niece. I presume. Niece or nephew. I'm younger than my niece. I want a blowjob whenever I want it, and I have a new girlfriend.

These don't sound like good things nice people say. Yeah, my advice is to move away from this, from whatever incestuous. Matthew sounds good. Yeah, you and Matthew have a good thing. Yeah. I've always liked him for you. Matthew is actually her uncle's cousin. God.

Matthew is her uncle. I zoned out again. That's too much math. It's like family math. Family tree math. Yeah, I would say ditch the person who only likes you for your blowjobs. Yeah, that's not a nice person. That's not a nice quality.

Unless she gives like an amazing blowjob. At which point, okay, that's your best characteristic. Hey, at least I value something about you. Okay. You're a monster. I'm Kevin. What? You just channeled someone.

You just channeled Kevin. That was not you. I don't even know who was talking. Also, that's not how Kevin sounds. There're a monster. I'm Kevin. You just channeled someone. You just channeled Kevin. That was not you. I don't even know who was talking. Also, that's not how Kevin sounds. There's no way. Hey. Kevin's not that self-aware. Hey, Carrie.

So I love one part of you the most. It just happens to be the part of you that S is my D. My favorite thing is to listen to you read these, like, teenage girl submissions because you're like, I am so jealous. Yeah. I mean, I would have read any question that ends with, by the way, he's my best friend's uncle. So we don't have to go into too much detail.

I just really love the way that question ended. Yeah, so our advice is to stop blowing Kevin. Yeah, I understand being jealous because he's not yours anymore, but consider that you don't actually miss the person. It's just that you lost control of him. Oh. Oh, my God. That's such a girl thing.

I don't understand that. It's such a girl thing. So, like, say that again so that my troglodyte brain understands it. So you break up with a guy, and you still get jealous when you see him with another girl. Wait, did she dump Kevin in the first place? I'm not even talking about her anymore. I'm going to guess that Carrie was dumped kevin and his jealousy as a new girlfriend not because he's a good dude because

he's clearly not but because he's not hers anymore right let's say carrie dumped kevin would you say that jealousy is still a natural emotion a little bit because again it's someone whose emotions are no longer at your beck and call oh so you so you're done with them, but at a weird level, you don't want anyone else to have them either. Mm-hmm. I don't understand that. It doesn't make any sense. It's completely illogical, but it happens all the time.

Yeah, I've never broken up with someone, and then they're with someone else, and you're like, oh, F that guy. No. No? You're like, okay, good. Oh, wait, no. Yeah, I do that all the time.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm thinking about my dog again. Bob never did that. Yeah. I'm channeling the person I wish I was instead of the jealous fuck that I actually am. I'm jealous, shallow, small, petty. The list will and can go on.

I'm a monster. Yeah. No, I get that. Yeah. I'm glad you're here to give us some real interesting advice rather than the joking advice that we always come up with. Dude, you're such a sucker. Holy shit. I was talking to you.

It's working. Just let it go. Allison, I can give or take. I'm sorry you have to hear that, Kobe. Kobe's sitting Indian style, stretching out his recently healed Achilles. Do you want to take a little break and talk about the show? What do you want to do? You want to keep trudging through? Let's take a nice

little breather. A breather? Yeah. Let's talk. Let's chat. Email again. Oh, I was just going to say, how is Allison's week been? Or who gives a shit about that? You want to remind everyone the goddamn email that they already know, don't you? Yeah. to remind everyone the goddamn email that they already know. Yeah. Don't you?

If I were your show at gmail.com. How was your week? You know, I'm really glad you asked. Thank you. It was good. It was a good week, actually.

Are you working? This isn't going to end up on the show, is it? No. God, no. No, it is. Really? This part?

Yeah. This never ends up on the show. We don't edit anything. We've also never had a guest that we cared about. We don't give a shit what Streeter's been up to. What can you tell us that you don't mind sharing with 30,000 to 45,000 people? We are shooting season three right now of Girls.

And it's really fun. Is it different? It is different. We're not shooting the same stuff that we shot last year. Oh, so it's new episodes. New episodes. Really? That's really cool. Is it different? It is different. We're not shooting the same stuff that we shot last year. Oh, so it's new episodes. It's new episodes. Really? That's really cool.

New scripts and stuff. That's tight. That's tight. The actors and actresses will be saying different words. Yeah. So how does that work? You guys. Are they new?

When they edit it together, it'll be new and different. Who are these people? Who are you being? We're fat guys who have never heard are you being we're uh fat guys who have never heard of tv no even fat guys who've never heard of tv watch entourage they understand it a little bit we think frat guys oh so it's like median but like separated into a couple movies oh shit i love that shit i am queen's boulevard so when they're like uh so when they're like it's an all-new episode is that like all right is it is it? Or is it like, okay, some new, some old or whatever.

Like turtles go to what, like get a tequila company or some shit? I actually wrote an episode. It was nine pages long. And I gave it to Vinny. Vinny fucks the hottest chick ever. No, that was an actual episode that they produced. I'm thinking of a different episode that I wrote. A spec?

Yeah, a spec pilot. Now I'm like a completely different character. I'm a frat guy who knows about the industry too. You're just you admitting that you wrote a spec for Entourage at some point in a dark moment. Entourage spec script. I know. Dan and David wrote an Entourage spec script. That'd be a fun spec script to write, actually.

That's true. Let's do it. Fuck. I'm gonna hit stop recording. No, don't. There's a button that says stop recording? Yeah, yeah. Is this a 90s movie't There's a button that says stop recording Yeah yeah Is this a 90s movie? There's a button that says Entourage Specific Computers

Oh mercy me Alright I'm ready Good break Great break Great break This one comes from Abu Nazir

Abu fucking Nazir. If you can believe that. I can. I can't believe it. Nazir. Nazir, let her go, Nazir. That's pretty good. Thank you.

Jess. All right. Dad. My name is... Let's just do homeland impressions for the rest of the show. My name is... That was really good. Okay, here's the email.

My name is Abu Nazir and I'm 17 years old. I recently discovered that my lifelong friend stole my iPod two years ago and has been using it without me knowing. Once I found out, I swore to myself that I would never hang out

with him again, but he keeps asking me to chill and I feel bad because his mom is sick. Should I stick to my principles and not hang out with him, or hang out with him just to take his mind off his mom's sickness? Thanks, Abu Nazir. Jesus. This is a no-brainer.

Hang out with your friends. The dude stole your iPod! Oh! We're on different pages right now. Jesus. That was awful. The timing was off on that. I'm sorry. I feel responsible. Yeah, hang out with your friend whose mom is sick. Unless it's a cold. Right.

Should we say that? Yeah. Fleur better hang out with her. Fleur better hang out. Fleur better. Because also it's an iPod. Yeah. It's an iPod.

Dude, a two-year-old iPod. If this was a Zune, I would say, okay, hang out. But an iPod, that carries some cultural cachet, people. I mean, I also think the fact that he said, should I stick to my principles and not hang out? What are your principles that they ban you from hanging out with your fucking best friend and his dying mom? Two years ago. He has such strong morals that he's now not hanging out with a friend whose mom is dying. At this point, I think you can get an iPod for free.

We'll give you a replacement iPod. I will give you a Shuffle. A second generation. Yeah. How much do Shuffle? The cheapest Shuffle. $99, I think. No, I think it's $49.

Is it $49 for a Shuffle? Yeah. I think so. I mean, you should just like hound your best friend to use like his mom's Make-A-Wish Foundation thing for like a fucking Yeah waste it on an iPod Do it Or an iPad

I mean like shit Yeah like an iPad mini Or some shit An iPad mini would be Dope Yeah cause you can Sort of use that As like an mp3 player

But like also like If you wanted to read shit You can take pictures With it in public Yeah That'd be so tight That'd be so tight Sorry about your mom man

But like god The iPad mini This guy's mom is fine Abu's That is so tight. Sorry about your mom, man. But like, God, the iPad mini. This guy's mom is fine. Abu's mom is doing just fine. Abu's here? Yeah, she's killing it right now. She raised a son with such strong moral convictions that he won't even relent to a little bit this rule that he made for himself to not hang out with his friend. His lifelong friend.

You're 17, so like your lifelong friend. What is that? What is that? Two years ago, I guess from 9 to 15. Yeah. What? I've had friends longer than this guy's been alive. Yeah, totally.

Yeah. So this guy's lifelong friends is, you know, five to eight years. But that feels substantial to him. It's all relative. Percentage-wise of his life, I guess. Thanks, Allison, for keeping us honest. Sorry. I'm just saying.

I just like to, sometimes I like to tell 17-year-olds that they suck. I know I understand. That'm just saying. I just like to, sometimes I like to tell 17-year-olds that they suck. I wonder if he, I wonder if he. No, I understand. That's perfectly natural. You think he told his friend that? He'd be like, I knew, I know that you stole my iPod. Well, he didn't include the fact, like he didn't say whether or not he confronted his friend. Right.

Or if he's just being cold for no reason. Right, maybe he just suspects it. Keep the iPod. Keep the iPod. We're not hanging out. Why? You know why. I really don't. My mom is dying. Make 100% sure you didn't lose your iPod. We're not hanging out. Why? You know why. I really don't.

My mom is dying. Make 100% sure you didn't lose your iPod. Yeah. That's what I would say. That would be so funny. Can you imagine? Years wasted. He goes to his mom's funeral looking for his tie to wear to this friend's mom's funeral,

opens the drawer, and it's an iPod. Oh, no. Oh, God. Bought for him and engraved by his friend's mother. What? This means so much to you, too. No. Oh, no. Oh, God. Bought for him and engraved by his friend's mother. What? This means so much to you, too. No. Oh, God.

It's half of a heart. His friend's iPod is the other half of the heart. Isn't this clearly evidence that there's, like, bigger problems in the world? Your best friend's mom is so sick that she's going to die, and you're, like... Jobs. You're obsessed over your fucking iPod. This is an Apple commercial. This is a really long Apple commercial.

This is actually a Galaxy commercial. It's a Zoom commercial. Don't buy my products. They turn you into monsters. It's a Zoom commercial. I still have one, by the way. Really? Oh, yeah.

In a box. Why? In its packaging. Because I knew better than to take it out in the first place. Oh, somebody gave it to you as a gift. Yeah. Somebody gave you a Zoom? Yeah, as a gift.

I think probably 12 years ago. It's at it's at my connecticut my parents house in connecticut i wonder what three you got that two hell yeah yo yo yo i still got 203 you still got 203 so do i yeah yeah we don't lose shit no i still have the freaking zune man you still use the Zune. That's the difference. How do you even get those audio files? Zune formatted. Oh yeah, they play MP1s. Stereo level audio files. Sorry, you can never hear it again. You can only use one earbud because that's how many are allowed in a Zune. My Zune only has one headlight on it. Do you remember that song? Jacob Dillon, The Wallflowers? Yeah. It's the onlylight on it. Do you remember that song? Oh my God. Jacob Dylan, The Wallflowers?

Yeah. Hell yeah. It's the only song on it. He says, my Zune only has one headlight on it. In one headlight? He says,

me and Cinderella will keep it all together. We could drive it home with one headlight. My Zune has one headlight. Jacob Dylan actually has some really great other songs.

I love Jacob Dillon He's on season 3 of Girls right? He's on season 3 of Girls He's in all of the seasons but he's a featured extra Much like Kobe he's in the background Silent, uncredited He's actually heavily credited And every episode ends with

Directed by Jacob Dillon We wanted to We got time for one more question we wanted to ask one uh with coming from a sister asking a question about a brother because you're a sister to a brother right that's true so maybe you can give some really intimate interesting advice to um jess over here fake name name, real email. Hey, guys. My brother's bedroom is next to mine, and since I've moved home for the summer,

I can hear him listening to porn at night before he goes to bed. I don't think he realizes that I can hear him, and he thinks I'm asleep since it's late at night or something. How do I let him know in the least awkward way possible that I can hear him and I am not okay with listening to him whack off thanks in advance for any advice jess whoa that's right so wait a second i have one follow-up which is can she hear him actually whacking off or does she just hear the porn sound great question let me email her back stay here for a week and she will totes get back to it. Both are gross, but... So, first of all... Here's what I would say. Yeah. Just yell, turn that down. Once, and you're done.

All you have to do, once... Did you share a wall with your brother? Yeah. He had the good sense never to do this, though. Never came up. Much respect. No, it never came up. That was a great answer.

He's probably using it. I think the least awkward thing you can do is just, like, confront it head on. There's no, like... It's only awkward if you go, like, if you beat around the bush. Yeah, if you're like,

hey, what are you, watching The Office? Not intended. No, I think she should just be like, turn that down. That's it.

Yeah. Literally, that's it. I'd be mortified if I were the brother and then it's over. I think if you're the brother, you might even be able

to delude yourself into thinking that she didn't hear that it was actual porn yet. Yes, and you can preserve some kind of, and then it's a rehearsal dinner story.

Yeah. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, that's cute. Everyone's thinking in terms of rehearsal dinner. She does. You know she's going to do like, turn that down. He's going to be like, no! He turns it up.

You want some more? Accidentally turns it up. Oh, God. That's so dry sounding. Think about your brother, Allison. Oh, stop it. Stop it. What's your brother's name? What are you doing? I'm not telling you. It's Bob. It's Abu Nazir.

Jesus Christ. Is this the sound that you think masturbating makes? I know. What do you masturbate with? A cloth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I masturbate with a cloth. I use a cloth. I use, I guess, what can I say? A cloth. I have been caught cloth-handed. Some people use lube, and I squeeze cloth out of a Juergens bottle.

It can never be too dry for me, I suppose. When I'm running out of a cloth, I use sandpaper. And beyond that, I'm sort of SOL, I guess. I don't know what that means. Shit out of luck. Now you learned something.L, I guess. I don't know what that means. Shit out of luck. Now you learned something. Yeah, I did. We're at the 35-minute mark,

but why don't we go for one more bonus question since we're having so much fun. Oh, my God. People always say they want the podcast to be longer. Well, here it is, mother effers. Everyone stops listening. This is the worst episode ever. Because we called them a mother effer.

No. All right. This one's a very unique. Kobe's in the corner just like doing a cut signal. He really has to go. He has practice. All right. This one is, do you have another?

Oh, Saul. Saul writes. Long one. Stay focused. So I recently got into straight razor shaving, and I've been giving friends really close shaves with it. Word got around to the HR ladies at the company I interned for. I'm pretty good friends with them and visit them just to talk to them every once in a while.

This last time I went, they said I should shave another HR lady's legs. I was taken aback. I'm 21 and she's 24, but pretty hot. But she's married and pregnant. It barely shows, though. The other HR ladies were saying how they're going to try convincing her to let me do it. I mean, I can't just say no to that, right? Who am I to deny her silky smooth legs?

But I also imagine it wouldn't take much for it to turn into a sexual thing. What do I do? Namaste, Saul. Whoa, Saul thinks pretty highly of himself. It wouldn't take much for it to become a sexual situation Like she would have to decide that she doesn't love her husband Or the baby growing inside her Once he straight edge shaves those legs, it's game over By the way, I just caught that the pregnant HR lady hasn't even been convinced yet

They said they want to interview her I don't even think she knows about it She's not trying to fuck you, Saul She doesn't know you exist, I don't think so. I say don't do it. The more gentlemanly move is to not do it. Can you imagine shaving HR ladies? Why her of all people? That's the kind of thing you report to those people. Yeah. You report that to HR. Here, let me save you some time. The person who threw it at you that you should shave This other person's legs Has a crush on you So just go for that

Original person Is that how girls think? I think so Yeah Oh So like you should shave her legs But it's like Please shave mine

But no Don't shave any women's legs Yeah Is that even That really pulls back The curtain a little too much There's an artery I feel like it can get dangerous

No one wants to No Shave a girl's legs I love this line, though. She's pregnant. It barely shows. We get it. She's super hot and skinny, and she's not providing her child with enough nutrition.

She's 24. You've made your point. Yeah, she's 24, pregnant. You don't get it. It's eight months, but it's like a small little cute baby bump. I would love to shave your legs, man. How's that? I have a straight edge.

My recent hobby is straight edge raising, and I would love to just shave those legs. So weird as a hobby. I recently got into straight edge shaving. And have you ever gotten a straight edge shave? It's like very intimate. They have to put like the cream and like the hot towel. I think every time I've seen it portrayed,

someone's been killed by the straight-edged razor. I would never do it, man. Yeah, he slits her Achilles tendon like an evil barber. An Achilles tendon would just be, like, a pain in the ass in an outpatient surgery. There's a femoral artery in there somewhere. Well, we could talk to Kobe about it if he ever wanted to open up about his injury, unfortunately.

You coward! Mr. Bryant, you weak, weak man! So the go-to advice here is if I were you, don't shave this person's legs. Don't shave the pregnant woman's legs. Yeah, you know, I'd agree with that. Don't go from zero. You know what? That is the equivalent of going from zero to D. Which is exactly why I endorse it. You do you, okay? You do you. You do you.

You gotta. You do you. Go to you. That's my new ringtone. Has anyone remixed that yet? I would love them to. So I'll say it a couple more times just in case they want to. Okay, go.

You do you. Yeah. Oh, God. I was like Yoda. The first time you did that, I shuddered. The first time I heard you say that, I was like, oh, God. I was like Yoda. The first time you did that, I shuddered. The first time I heard you say that, I was like, oh, God. Like a cold wind. I was offended by it, but in no particular way.

Oh, I'll never say it again. No, say it again. Go to you. Oh, God. What is that, like a Drake impression? I think Allison just vomited a little bit. Oh, God. Yeah, it is sort of a Drake thing.

No new friends. No new friends. Started from the bottom, now we're here. He's a principled man. Drake has a song called Seize the Cheese. Does he? Yeah. Well, not yet, but we're going to ask Drake.

Let's Seize Dat Cheese. Yeah. Seize Dat Cheese. I can definitely see that. Cool. We're going to end it with yet another theme song that we get submitted. We get a theme song submitted to our show. We haven't actually settled on anything yet.

We just love the fact that every week we start and end with a new theme song. And you can make your own. Try to keep it to 30 seconds or less. Try to keep it to 30 seconds or less. You're a tough dude. Thanks so much for coming on the show. Yeah. Is there anything you want to plug? Plug, plug, plug.

Not currently. I guess just watch Girls when it airs again in January. Oh, you should rent Coffeytown. Oh, yeah. On iTunes. It is climbing the ranks of rentals on iTunes. There we go. Our buddy Ben Schwartz is in it.

Glenn Howerton is in it. Adrian Palicki, Josh Groban. That's right. Steve Little. You can get that on iTunes. And yeah, watch Girls. Not enough people are watching Girls. I hope a lot of people are watching Girls.

Anyway, thanks for coming on the show. Whenever you want to come back. Like seriously, we're recording another one next. So let's go back to back or some shit. I can just say the same questions. And we broke the record for longest episode. Oh my god. So yeah, we had fun. Right, Kobe?

Bald bouncing noise. Yeah. Alright, this last theme song is by Luke Knudsen. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. everyone go listen to jna when you think that you don't have the guts but they're probably gonna tell you to kill yourself inside of a starbucks if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you then i'd tell you to go to fire you show dot