Segments - 110: Lie Forever

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

In this episode we discuss threesomes, feline murder, and God. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Prosper.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Great episode today, just a real solid app. Oh yeah. But for- With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Let's start this episode. It was a fun one. Things did get real. And in case we didn't mention it enough times during the episode, we actually have a live show coming up in Hollywoodland, California,

November 13th, the Hollywood Improv. There are tickets still available, so please check it out. If you live in the L.A. area, it's a really fun time to come, watch us do this podcast live, and then hang out with us after. That'd be nice. That'd be chill. And wear MeUndies while you're there. And tweet it. Yeah, tweet it at us. All right, let's get started. this podcast live and then hang out with us after that'd be nice that'd be chill and wear free undies wear me undies while you're there and tweet it yeah tweet it out sorry let's get started

ah jake and amir y'all know who it is uh it's arty and don yo that's right this is a toaster y'all oh she's y'all it's a roast y'all that's right y'all gonna put on blast ah so what do you say it's two jew Jews that you hate? When you got the pinch taking your girls away. One to resolve things in mathematical ways. Just as an advice Amir gave. Ah. One day when I walk inside the Starbucks line.

And when I call it a dime, giving me an awkward eye. I struggle to hide my dark night rising up past my thighs. I don't give a fuck if he sees or not. I'm harder than Jake trying to park a truck when he's drunk as fuck. But at least the milkman isn't trying to suck my nose. Swiping right with two iPhones. you think it's hard, bitch? I'm a beast in that regard. Me and my match, and your loud-ass motherfucking barking dog.

I'm stuck in a conundrum that I cannot find my escape from. With a girl with an ass and a tentacle of matches, still can't find love. Ass from here on out, she's getting real. Questions and answers that are so surreal, just like getting handjobs. In the back of a bus. Way out in Israel. New Haven. How my Connecticut's unshaven.

And one dad's failed expectation. Here to mend all your broken relations. Across the nation. They'll mock you, but just be patient. Best advice is when they're beefing. Twice a week is worth waiting. Toe dive. Nowadays, everybody can't talk like Kobe in the background.

Their lost motherfucker's caught up in advice. Just send some advice if i were you show at gmail.com nowadays everybody can't talk like kobe in the background they're lost motherfuckers caught up in advice just seeking some advice if i were you show at gmail.com freestyle yo jna this is arty and don hashtag dope they freestyled that? Yeah. That's crazy. Nowadays everybody want to talk. Yeah. And they did. Artie and Tom? No. Artie and Don. It's two guys. I think it's two guys named

Oh, one guy named Artie and the other one named Daniel. But today but together they're Artie and Don or as one unit called Artie and Don. Artie and Don. That's a cool ass name. Artie and Don. I'm Jake Artie and Don. Arty and Don. Yeah. That's a cool ass name. Arty and Don. I'm Jake Arty and Don.

That's my new shit. What do you mean? I am Jake Arty and Don. Your last name is Arty and Don now. Arty and Don. They wrote you a song. You like their name? I steal the name.

Good song. I want your name. For to now we're even. You wrote me a song. I take your name. I now we're even you wrote me a song i take your name i think that's good i think that's both of those things favor you thank you every decision you make is selfish instead of instead of each person getting one you just want two things for yourself more you take more there's no give and take it's just take take take and take take and arty and don so It's just take, take. Take and take. Take and Artie and Don.

So here's a song. You say thank you in addition to the song. Or to pay you back, I want your name. Yeah, sort of. I'll do my part. You guys give me a song. I'll take your name. It seems like a tit for tat thing, but it's just a tat for tat.

It's just a tat tat. Yeah, it's a tat for tat for humanity. a tat tat yeah it's a tap a tap for humanity this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake arty and don and that was arty and don every show every episode starts with a new theme song that wasn't going to be the plan we just delayed choosing one until that was a a theme yeah yeah we realized that some people would make theme songs. That's amazing. That's the best part about having a podcast,

is that people write songs for you. And now people started drawing thumbnails for us. Yeah, for our podcast. When we post to Facebook, if you have a thumbnail, this one guy, August Polite, has just been dominating, doing original artwork for every episode. So if you got something good, send it to us, too, at ifireadieshow at gmail.com. whoa uh do you notice that i'm wearing headphones now oh yeah yeah well i guess i didn't because i you had to ask me now i notice now you see it thoughts

it's interesting you've become i'm just a full-on audio nerd yeah at a certain point i'm just gonna stop hosting the show and just be the engineer, the producer, really. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God. And I'll get a new co-host. Yeah.

Who are you thinking? Allison Williams. Okay. That was so quick. Like you already thought of it. Like we're already emailing each other. So did you approve the Allison Williams idea yet? How does it work?

We get emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives they need our advice and we try to offer it on this show we don't try to offer it we do oh yeah and we offer it on this podcast uh how do you listen to it great question while you're doing it so you already know way to go yeah that's the one if you're listening to it the one thing you have in common with everyone else listening to it is that you all know how to listen to it there you go you all figured it out the hard part is getting people who can't figure it out because how do we talk to them how do you talk to someone who doesn't know how to use the internet over the internet how do you how do you talk to somebody you hate yeah does anyone try to

bring trouble your way just show them a table in wa WA. Oh, that's what we can do. We can go door to door. Just showing them a table in WA. Yeah. So like, I'll come by your house. One day. With a Walkman on. Yeah, with your Walkman on.

Yeah. I actually caught a guy. Was he giving you an awkward eye? He wasn't. Oh. Yeah. So that's where we deviate from the song. So these are real emails that we're going to be answering from real people, but we're

going to give them fake real people but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity anonymity anonymity anonymity anonymity with you see anonymity don't make me a friend i want to be an enemy what so bad extra bad worst you've ever done the best you've ever had uh all right this is a uh chess question so maybe the theme today can be chess people so like this person's name will be gary kasparov of course. Yeah. So Gary Kasparov writes, Hey guys, I'm writing you to ask advice concerning a particularly sticky situation. I'm the undisputed

best player on my university chess team, which is great, but there's just this one problem. My girlfriend of two years doesn't take my skills seriously whatsoever, and every time I spend hours analyzing my games or studying mid-game tactics, she tells me I'm wasting my life. This has recently bubbled up to an unavoidable apex as I am planning to play

in my annual yearly university chess tournament hosted between the two local universities in my city. The tournament is very competitive, and my entire club firmly believes that I am the only one, I am the only chance we have of taking the title home. My girlfriend, however, recently told me that I can't miss a dinner plan with her parents scheduled for that same night, planned out after the tournament, mind you. I have told her that she will have to tell them to switch the date, but she is insisting that there's nothing she can do, and if I choose the tournament over her, we're practically done. What the hell can I do? I feel like I'm a few moves away from being sexually checkmated while also being pressured by my entire chess club. Is my girlfriend right in giving me an

ultimatum? I do admit I breathe chess and practically think in algebraic notation, but I still feel like she should respect my passion. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. P.S. If you don't believe that I'm a beast in the chess regard, here's a snippet of one of my recent Blitz tournament games. then it's just four lines of of notation i can't read queen xb5 plus keys kc8 oh that's 28 and kc8 or kc28 yeah kc is actually kc8 28 and see yeah he's a rook bishop gambit i mean he's he has pulling on all the stops. Wow. He ended up, yeah, he ended up checkmating it in what appears to be, I don't know. Checkmate?

Why don't you check your mate and tell her to check her hate? Oh, that's good. Thank you. That's freestyle. See, I'm an enemy. I'm an enemy. I'm an enemy. I'm an enemy.

I'm an enemy. You're a joke, Blumenfeld. You're a joke, man. And not even a joke, man. You're a joke blumenfeld you're a joke man and not even a joke man you're a joke comma man you're a joke man i'm a jokesman man not a business woman uh so who's who's in the right here kasparov or his lady i think kasparov i think he's got a passion i think his his lady? I think Kasparov. I think he's got a passion. I think his lady doesn't appreciate it or him. She should celebrate the fact that you want to play in this chess tournament,

that you love chess. And I think she's a little doody head. I honestly do. I think she's a doody. She's being a doody head. You're being a little bit of a turdburger. But I think ultimately being a turdburger is a little bit better than beingd burger but i think ultimately being a turd burger is a little bit better than being a duty head this sounds like a sitcom pilot a premise it was just

like a huge annual tournament at the same day as my parent my girlfriend's parents date right maybe he can rush back and forth between the two that doesn't work yeah you know what the third act yeah third act is the girlfriend it's the girlfriend eating hot dogs in the stands of the chess tournament cheering him on for dinner this is what i see it is is uh they uh they're at dinner and then the girlfriend's just really railing into this guy and she's like oh i'm so glad he's he's not at that stupid tournament right gary you sort of you realize that it wasn't for you that was a child's game and he stands up and he goes no this is a child's game and then he checkmates the salt shaker in front of her and

runs to the tennis tournament and when he enters the tournament oh chest it's a huge triumphant moment for him because he told his uh uh abrasive lady main squeeze to go f herself oh so you're saying i feel like we're writing different shows because you're sort of writing a movie where the girlfriend is the villain yeah i'm writing like of writing a movie where the girlfriend is the villain. Yeah. I'm writing like an episode of TV where the girlfriend's a good character, but she's making a bad, she's like being a bad person right now. Yeah. And she can grow and they can, there's still hope.

You know, it's a good idea. Let's add a character where there's a chess, a lady on the chess team. And so he's close to her, but only as friends, you know? Right, right, right know and she's like and she's like well what do you even see your girlfriend yeah it's a real movie yeah it's called checkmate and it takes place in prague so check is spelled c-z-e-c-h oh my god that's really cool so it's about a czechoslovakian uh chess player and okay and his mates yeah his best mate yeah he's also a Czech Czech player yeah Czech Czech

yeah Czech Czech oh and you know what maybe they have a rivalry with people playing Czechers oh so the Czech Czech

people yeah the Czechers yeah Czechers is their team name and it's also spelled like that they only drink

coffee mate yeah so the Czech Czechers coffee mate yeah factor 8 so I think

this lady is the villain maybe well let's try to think about things from her perspective uh my boyfriend is upset well if your boyfriend was obsessed with something maybe chess maybe something else and was taking so much of his time maybe her way of showing it is by saying that it's a waste of time right it seems like she should stop making like an like that's a that's pretty grandiose overarching statement like this is a waste of time right it seems like she should stop making like an like that's a that's pretty grandiose overarching statement like this is a waste of your time versus i think you should focus on some other things as well like me relationship you know it's okay like he maybe sometimes people are obsessive and like he's not giving her any attention and she does deserve

attention that's the relationship so maybe well i mean we're giving him advice right not her yeah she should deal with it differently and you if this is happening to you maybe you uh one say fuck this i am in a relationship with chess not you yeah or two look i like you You have to appreciate my passion. Two things. One, ultimatums are always bad. Right. I think you've said that before.

You just sort of have to state your case and let them decide for you. If you do an ultimatum, even if they choose your side, it's because you made an ultimatum. Yeah, yeah. You never want to issue an ultimatum. Three, what do you think about this for the closing scene of the movie? He wins the chess tournament. Then he goes up to the girl, the friend, right, in the chess team.

And then she's like, oh my God, congratulations. And he kisses her. And then she's like, wow, how did you know I wanted that? And he says, I always think three moves ahead. Then he slides his hand down her. She's wearing like a skirt. And he doesn't finger her, but what he removes is the

shiniest it's almost like production wise we'll dip his wrist in vaseline jesus christ it is just just almost like the the a woman holding a torch it is that shiny his hand is a is a beacon i want to say it's a beacon almost. I thought it was pretty decent up until the move where he publicly rubs her vagina. Oh, really? Yeah. You think he should go further? I think maybe you're going to regret saying that.

I'm not even talking about the movie anymore. I'm just talking about as a human pitching an idea publicly that what you're doing is... Describing... Yeah. Yeah. The... The... The public fingering.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I feel nothing. I feel no remorse, no shame, no objection. Right. It's these headphones. I don't know. I feel like I'm in my own little bubble.

You're talking yourself off, your heart. Yeah. I'm shining myself. It doesn't make sense. Where did it come from? So what should we tell this guy? I say tell her respectfully that you're going to do what you want to do, that you love chess, and that you would love it if she were on board. And maybe also, just as a little side note, Mr. Turtberger,

do you want to just do a little bit of... Why is he a Turtberger? I'm just like, I'm speculating. I'll admit that. But I think he's saying, like, I breathe chess. And then he, like, signed his email with four lines of code that he must have known we wouldn't have understood. It shows almost like a lack of awareness. On his part. Yeah, that maybe not everyone loves chess as much as you do.

So dial it back and try to talk to her and show her attention in other ways that aren't chess related. But I'm just saying that as a side note because I think that your passions should be celebrated in a relationship. I just think there might be a balance and that's for you to explore, buddy. What do you think the best amount of passion to show for, like, did you have lady friends that never watched any of your videos, that never listened to any of your podcasts, or were they somewhat into it, somewhat not? You don't want them to be fans, but you also don't want them to ignore it entirely, or you don't care if they ignore it entirely um i i think i would probably care if they ignored it entirely if they like never saw

any because like my work is part of who i am so i'd want them to like i guess maybe i'd care most of all if they just thought i was funny in general right if i was with somebody that like i've made jokes and they were like oh my god shut up i would be like why yeah why then are we doing this that's all me uh so like in a way maybe like them watching my stuff is uh is like hey i think you're funny i think your career is valid you're right so that's good they at least like it yeah they don't necessarily watch everything you've been with people who thought you weren't funny at all you mean in relationships yeah i'm sure in the beginning everyone has to think i'm funny right it's like if you don't think i'm funny what else are you what are you into at this point i just i especially like a couple years ago when you

weren't even in shape i just like your i don't know teeth, teeth. You're not funny, but I guess I like your, I don't know, what else is there to the pie chart that makes up your human body? I guess maybe in any relationship, like, your jokes will get old after a long time. Yeah, that's what it is. It's definitely like, if you hang out with me every day for two to five years, I'm probably going to be less funny, right? Yeah, and then, like? Yeah. And then like, they're around, like other people are just laughing so hard at your jokes. Yeah, I've heard that one before. Like, he's not that funny. Oh, man, I have a great story. I wonder if I can tell

it. I think I can tell it doesn't really matter. I had a girlfriend once and I was in a car with a bunch of friends. Was I there? Yes, I i think so yeah i think uh it doesn't matter but just you know being in like a wacky mood you know sometimes i'm like on a roll yeah yeah so i was on a roll just making a lot of silly jokes people were loving it and she was not having it at all and then i think at one point she was like geez you really like being the center of attention and i was like oh that's so soul crushing. I think we need to discuss not being together anymore just because of that one statement.

You were like, you're so happy. Yeah, I'm at the high. People are laughing at me. Yeah. Another way to look at that is, geez, people think you're really funny. Look at this car full of people laughing. See, that's what you think the first three months of a relationship.

Like, look at the guy I got. He's making people laugh. By year X, you're just like, all right, I get it, dude. That's now, I protect myself against those feelings. That like breaks my heart. It really does. But now I'm not together with anybody. And are you happier?

Yeah, I'm thrilled. I think you're funny all the time. I've been around you for like nine years. And I think, yeah, I still think you're funny all the time i've been around you for like nine years and i think that's true this is i still think you're hilarious thanks dude i love you so much fuck noise fuck that moment where i said i love you so much then there was silence. That moment sucked. That was the worst second of my day. By far. Deflating.

And I stubbed my toe. It's deflating to say the least. The worst moment of my day actually happened like five minutes ago. There's spiders falling all over me inside the cabin. What happened? I was trying to wash the windows of the cabin, right?

Of course. Trying to wash the windows. So I went outside around the back of it, and I was scrubbing the windows, and I just looked up at this overhang, and they were just like, and keep in mind, I'm not afraid of spiders anymore. I know that they're good.

And there are three spiders in three different corners of the cabin that I'm letting live, and I let them spin their webs because I know they're eating bugs. And I think that's great. But under this overhang, there were just so many spiders. That being said.

And I really, I didn't kill any of them, but I felt very scared and uncomfortable. And my heart was just racing as I'm scrubbing the window like, cut me out of here. I was fearful that moment. I was. Keep in mind, I'm not afraid of spiders, but I was scared. was just racing as i'm scrubbing the window like cut me out of here i was fearful that moment i was keep in mind i'm not afraid of spiders but i was scared when they're like individual i'm not afraid of them in in those kinds of numbers yeah i don't like i have a fear i'm afraid all right let's go to the next next question um do you have another chess player's name um bobby fisher oh great bobby fisher writes he's an anti-semite i don't want to support him that makes it

long time listener first time writer yesterday i found myself in a rather sticky situation i love doing sick tricks on a trampoline and i also and i also love to jump on it i was bored at the time so i decided to put my mom's favorite cat, he's 18 years old, on the trampoline with me. As I began to jump, Milo bounced violently and tried to get off, but couldn't because the trampoline has a net around it. He was only panicking for several seconds, and just as I was about to take him off, he had a heart attack or something and died.

I secretly buried him in our woods and have no idea how to tell my mom that he's dead. Mostly because I love my mom and I don't want to make her sad or disappoint her. Help, please. Of course you need help. I don't want to make my mom sad. This guy is just so clear. I love doing sick tricks on the trampoline.

I also love to jump on it. Yeah. I love that. That's the kind of joke we do. It's like a very detailed thing. In addition to that, the vague version of that. I love painting fruits and people. I also like art.

You tortured a cat. You're a cat murderer. It was sort of a friendly email, but you did torture a cat, and you're a cat murderer. I like torturing small animals. Also, I'm a sociopath. No, it's not also. It's and. And I'm a sociopath.

Never tell your mother. Never tell your mother. Never tell your mother. You don't have to tell your mother. Never do. Okay, so i'm singing along this is like where we deviate from sitcoms like if this were an episode of the brady bunch the the guilt of killing the cat will eventually force bobby or peter brady to confess oh mom i i killed your cat back like visited by the ghost cat. Yeah. It's like, where is she? Did you hear her?

No, it's the beating of that hideous heart. It's like the telltale heart where you kill someone and then the guilt forces you to confess. What you have to do is suppress that guilt. There's no beating heart. If you can fight that urge to be decent, you can lie forever. I think since you were already a cat murderer, it's not a huge ask to ask you to hide the murder.

Yep. You already did the hard part. Dude. You killed a cat. That's so much harder than what we'd be able to do. We'd be able to do. Right. I can't kill a cat.

No, dude. You tortured it. You were a frightened cat on the trampoline. You made it scared. Yeah. You also had to have known its age. 18 years old. That cat borderlined your brother.

What? At 18, he becomes a human. Grew up his whole life with that cat. Yeah. His whole life, that cat's been around. At 18, he's a human for that. But I'm serious. Lie forever.

Lie forever. So the easiest thing to do right now is to just never tell your mom. Yeah, what good can come, you have already done the evil thing. I think coming clean and telling your mother that you murdered the cat

is more mean. Because it ruins your relationship with your mom. You're forever the cat killer. Yeah. At least now you could be like, sympathetic, I'm sorry Milo's gone,

I'll go around put up posters and then maybe you come back from the woods holding his dead body and you say i found him in the woods mom yeah i'm so sorry let's give him a proper burial i love you so much mama there's mama i found him in the woods mama i found milo run away mama it seemed like he was shocked like someone kept bouncing it up and down not on a trampoline mama but maybe on something else mama like a bungee let me cheer you up mama i'll go on the trampoline mama come on the trampoline with me mama you know i'd like to do you're not getting off the trampoline let's shut the door bounce bounce violently kills his mom he's a trampoline killer you murderous demon uh is there anything to the nice obvious uh advice of you have to come

clean you have to tell your mom but then what good like milo's not going to be come back alive he's she then the mom's like okay my cat's killed my son killed it He's a sociopath. He took the cat onto the trampoline and tortured it. Lie forever. Lie forever. That's my advice. Lie forever. That should be, I really would like to see that on the t-shirt.

Oh, what t-shirt? On the T, on the T public, on a t-shirt. Oh, lie forever? Lie forever.

Maybe that'll be the name of this episode. Just like Milo. Lie in the woods forever. Rest in peace. No, lie in peace. You'll get over it. The guilt will not tear you apart.

I guess I would also do the same. Why would I confess? Yeah, the damage is done. Yeah. So that's two lie forevers and zero tell the truth. There we go. We are raising a generation of terrible humans. Here's a fun pun.

The telltale fart. Oh, that's good. And he keeps hearing that fart. Yeah. So he kills, okay, another movie or a TV episode. He kills a really gaseous, gluttonous guy, like a guy that eats ribs and he's just like eating burritos and he's like, oh, yeah. And then you, I don't know, hit him over the head with a shovel or whatever.

He's dead. He's dead. He buries him under the, under his floorboards. Right. And then he has another guest over or his wife comes home. And he's giving her little toots. Yeah.

Yeah. But she can't hear it. Oh, but it's underneath the floorboards. It's like, and he can't take it anymore. It's not the sound. It's the smell.

Oh yeah. And it turns out he's actually decomposing but down there so that makes sense uh uh we're good at improv all right one more question no no sorry let's Alright, one more question. No, no, sorry. Let's get one more question before the break. Nice. We need another guy's name, a chess player. It's a fucking

real tall order when you came up with this. I got one. Who? Deep Blue. Who the fuck is that? That's the machine, the IBM machine that Kasparov played in chess. Awesome. You want to know something funny? Yeah.

Like Kasparov won once and then the machine just destroyed him. Every single time? Yeah, they're just like, yeah, the machine's better. Obviously he's better, he's a machine. Right. Sorry. That makes sense. We're at the point where they're better than us.

Get used to it. Okay, Deep Blue writes, A couple months ago, my girlfriend asked if I would have a threesome with her and her friend. Her friend's a fucking whore, and of course I said yes. Since then, we've done it a couple times, and I'm starting to notice that it's mostly girl on girl. The last time we'd done it, which was about a week and a half ago, I noticed that my girlfriend mainly focuses on her friend and not me. They're into some crazy kinky shit and I'm starting to worry if she's doing this

to let me down softly because she's a lesbian. Do you think I should end it now or continue to have these fucked up threesomes with these two smoke shows? Thanks guys, and a huge shout out from Dublin, Ireland. Alright, Dublin. Dublin up in Dublin.

Nice, Dublin down So? It sounds like you have an awesome situation going on And you're being a little bit of a bitch Like my girlfriend's not paying attention to me During our threesome Yeah Fine

I would love to be ignored during a threesome So you pay attention to the friend And then you're having a threesome Yeah, and she's not letting you down softly. That's the nicest way to do anything. Right. I wish people let me down softly by giving me a threesome. Dude, this is amazing.

She's like, so maybe she's bi. I don't think she's a lesbian if she still wants you to be involved. Even if she's a lesbian. What's the alternative? Yeah, just fucking find this. You know what? I i'm done you're not paying enough attention to me during the threesomes you should have just broken up with me when you had the chance but to do it like this with a threesome that's actually incredibly nice i do

appreciate that the low blow uh how many threesomes would you go to is there an end to the amount of threesomes as you get phased out of the threesomes at a certain point you're just watching your girlfriend hook up with another girl which is fucking dope so until they like full-on don't let you into the room during the threesomes keep going they have to lock you out for you to say okay we're not in a relationship anymore and at that point hey at least you've already had the maximum amount of threesomes. There you go. Because threesomes, they're not a right. They're a privilege. For sure. I'm 31.

I haven't had a threesome. Yeah. Yeah, I don't. And what if your chances of having a threesome probably go lower every year, right? By the second. Yeah. Every day I don't have a threesome is another day I'm closer to death without ever having a threesome. So if you're listening, ladies, and want to have a threesome with little granddaddy blooms here.

I mean, I never had a threesome in my day. Putting on my mouth guard. That should be the new, like, if we're both single when we're 35, let's just get married. It's like, all right, if neither of us have had a threesome by the time we're 35 let's just fucking so i would have a threesome with you oh no not that kind i'm sorry yeah i know i know what you want but i'm just saying the offer's on the table yeah me you and another dude right yeah a lemon party of sorts uh so sir i bet you're young and you think that if you can walk away from this threesome and another threesome will happen you hear this all the time in the nba

like oh i was in the championships at age 19 and i just thought it would always happen it would always be easy and then i'm 36 i'm retiring and i never got back to the playoffs right easy come easy go so why don't you come on those hoes uh that was so degrading on yeah unbelievable unspoken uncalled for actually it was very spoken unfortunately uh so your advice what would you do if you were him keep on having threesomes i can't believe i have to fucking tell you to do that is there an amount of threesomes that you could have that you would say, all right, I think we're done here? No.

I guess it's hard to say. You could probably get desensitized to everything, but if you're not having threesomes currently, then you can't even fathom an end. It's like when you're really hungry and you see a lot of food, you're like, oh, I can eat this forever. But soon you'll get full. I guess so.

And then that food will look disgusting to you not that's not how threesomes work yeah that's not how sex works i don't think i am i'm infinitely insatiable when it comes to my appetite for that threesome uh have you had a threesome fuck yeah dude how many i couldn't lost count I lost count, but only because I didn't count the first one or the second. That's all I had. Pro? Good? Anything bad?

There's nothing bad about it at all. There's nothing bad about a threesome. Yeah, and if somebody was paying not enough attention to me, that would be fine, because I could stand there and watch, and it would be fucking incredible. The worst part about a threesome, the worst thing that could happen to a threesome is that two ladies are having sex in front of you. Yeah.

Which is amazing. Yeah. The worst part about a threesome is the best part about my life. I think the worst part about a threesome would be like coming too early. And then you're like, you ruined the fun. Cause it was, could have been like an awesome experience for everybody.

And you like got too excited. You nutted. And then you're like, yeah. the fun because it could have been like an awesome experience for everybody. And you like got too excited. You nutted. And then you're like, yeah, how do you avoid that? Like, isn't it the most sexually exciting thing in the world? And then how do you possibly contain yourself? Some people can't live up to the pressure. That's why they don't deserve to have the threes. For me, that's my time to shine.

That's Tom Brady in the fourth quarter. Yeah, dude, I'm good in the pocket yeah jordan game six in the pocket how dare you i'm more of a immobile scrambling qb yeah a tie detmer if you will just uh put a little pressure on me and i'll freak out and throw the ball away or i'll hold it on for too long get a sack fumble either way my coach is pissed at me so the threesomes you're either completely flaccid or ejaculating yeah there's zero to a hundred i go from can't get it up to coming real quick real fucking thick uh come force come forest you already came forest uh thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of

football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know

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six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase,

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. That was a thrill ride. For sure. Yeah, the ads are my favorite part. Me i know that's why i want to my oops i'll add episode i can't wait we'll be rich yeah they have to pay us do we have any shows coming up oh shit we should talk about that good memory yes we have a live podcast in la at the hollywood improv there we go on november 13, we put the information on ifiwereyoushow.com and jakeandamir.com. So please, the first live show at the Hollywood Improv was really fun. Yeah.

If the second one's not better, then we'll never do it again. Exactly. There are still tickets available. So please, please come out for that. Come, come, come. We're also doing a show at middlebury university in vermont vermont yeah yeah november 20th yeah or is it the 22nd it's a saturday oh yeah shit yeah 20th is the thursday so if you go to middlebury 22nd yeah middlebury college if you live like near burlington

or in vermont in general come please that'll be another live podcast yeah so we're doing one in every major city in America. One in Los Angeles and the other one in Middlebury, Vermont. Perfect. All right, let's get to the last question. Last question comes from a man that I'll call Anatoly Karpov. Of course, I forgot all about Anatoly. Must be sad to be the second best chess player ever.

Nobody will ever know. Don't get me wrong he's still making bank yeah he's still fucking tutoring for cash on the side but just if you're not playing deep blue if you're not kasparov you ain't nothing it's kasparov rich it's uh kasparov's fucking loaded are you kidding me anatoly karpov writes i recently started a course in information technology i met a girl there on my second day and she came up to me Anatoly Karpov writes, to do something like that with her. Before I left, we exchanged contact information. The next day, we began messaging each other. Everything was normal until she invited me to the church again via the phrase, I think you should know and meet God.

This kind of surprised me and made me think that she might be a little too spiritual for me. I'm very sure she wants to go out with me, and I think she's really nice and pretty, but the magnitude of her spirituality is something that makes me a little bit apprehensive to go into a relationship with her. I'm absolutely clueless on how to proceed. She wants to have a threesome too, it sounds like. Yeah. With this God character.

Anatolian God. Yeah. Just me, you, and God god you should respond to that text sorry bitch i am god that's crazy yeah you've already i've already met me i just think the relationship means that little now yeah so you're done that's a game ender yeah you're done you want me to meet god she's too she's i don't even think she's interested in a relationship with you. She's working for God, baby. She's trying to make as many conferences as she can.

She's already cheating on you with God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's probably already blowing God at this point. We're talking about the threesomes? You are outside of the room. It's just her fucking God. Which is amazing. God, imagine that. Can you even? You are outside of the room. It's just her fucking God. Which is amazing. Yeah.

God, imagine that. Can you even? It's like the one time you say, oh, God, during sex, and you're saying the person's name. Oh, I like that. You like that? Or she's fucking this guy, and she's saying, oh, God. And he's like, oh, I knew you were talking about your ex-boyfriend. Stop calling me God. Yeah.

You said his name again. It's tough to say how much spirituality will scare you off, because we don't know. Maybe he's a spiritual guy. But the fact that it gave you pause probably means that it's not a good situation. Right. I mean, I'm all for if you're religious and she's religious, then you guys sound like you got a lot in common.

You know, go get it. God's not real, but do your thing. Go meet God. Yeah, go meet the invisible nothing. Whatever. Fuck that shit. You're anti-God, man. Yeah, just because he doesn't exist.

How can I be anti anything that's not real? I'm also anti the tooth fairy. It's all anti. It's anti-matter. As in it doesn't matter. I'm anti- the tooth fairy. It's all anti. It's anti-matter. As in it doesn't matter. I'm anti-hentai. So what should he do? I think you should, you know, tell her that you aren't interested in religion.

If you aren't, like, hey, you seem cool, but like, I'm not religious and I don't want to be. And this does not interest me. And then see what she does with that information right don't say no maybe you can say like oh i don't think i want to meet god i think i'd rather get to know you better exactly i don't think you have to be like hey we aren't going to hang out but you should probably just be like up front with her and be like this is not going to happen me yeah believing in god or me going to church every sunday or whatever. And then see if she's like,

okay, well, I want to focus my energy on finding someone who does. Or if she's like, all right, well, I still think you're interesting so I want to get to know you. Right. So you're just saying, don't cut it off, but at least be honest and say,

no, I don't want to meet God and then see what she does with that information. I think the stakes seem low enough. And always, I think it's probably best to like make your intentions known and then let that person react to that then to assume their feelings and their thoughts and their goals and like react on your own right then and there yeah it's like the anti-ultimatum stance right don't say do this or else just say here's the facts right let's and now what do you want to do all the information out on the table and you're like okay we can make this work or okay not gonna

happen but all the information needs to be out there so go for it run for it go for it uh i i'm the same way if this is all if i were you thing i can't i can't be with someone who thinks i should know and meet god she probably thinks i'm going to hell for being jewish at that point that's that's what turns off a lot of uh people that i know from religiousness they're like i grew up in a religious household and then i went to sunday school and they said that uh all my non-believer friends are going to hell and then she's like i had like six jewish friends and they're like yeah they're going to hell and they're like no i would rather be with them yeah then believe in you i would say that's that's one way to if i'm going to give a note to the

church don't tell kids their friends are going to hell that's not a good way to indoctrinate them you want to like be as happy and pause like positive as as you can well it works on a ton of people being that whole being scared shit scared straight but i feel like they're getting a couple little uh stragglers they're letting them loose by that hell thing and then yeah then there's too many like atheism and even judaism which is like hey everything's good yeah and you're like oh i like that idea yeah you're losing you're losing out to Judaism, guys. You can snag them back. Come on, how pathetic is that? Nobody loses to Jews. You're losing to them.

Yeah, nobody ever told me, a rabbi never told me my non-Jewish friends were going to hell. Mainly because I didn't have non-Jewish friends. Perfect. Yeah, and that's the ideal here. Only hang out with your own kind. I can't be more clear. You've said so many bad things on this episode. You're a detriment.

That's our take. That's not our take. That's your take. Oh, right. No, I meant the general don't go for it. Right, right. What I said is my take. What you said is your take.

That's the take. Our takes are respectively what we said. Yes. And you've never had a girlfriend before, but some of them don't want you to know and meet God. You got a little bit more time. Unlike the threesome guy who should strike while the iron's hot. Yeah, yeah.

Keep doing that. Fuck it. I would meet God every Sunday if it meant I can have a threese. For real? Yeah. What an interesting bunch of questions we got today from cat killers, threesome sinners, and then guys that are getting to know God. I don't even remember what the first question was now. Real quick, how can I get a threesome if I really wanted a threesome?

Do you have to have it come naturally, or can you force a threesome? I think it's like lightning in a bottle. Like the right things have to align. It's like a lunar eclipse is what it is. Yeah, I think, well, in my opinion, I feel like relationship threesomes are always weird and bad.

So I would avoid that. Right. And I think the way to do it is just like, God, just be fucking cool yeah there's no other way uh so you're saying i don't have a chance well you sort of have to have like a girl maybe like a girl or a guy who likes you and is like sort of trying to court you in a way like wants to impress you or somebody that's just like has a like a totally fun loving relationship right yeah

and it has to be so casual and so carefree right and then the third person has to be a little bit of an outlier who's just like you always need that x factor the crazy yeah the crazy person the person that's just down for anything who's usually i feel like wouldn't necessarily be like a friend of yours as well right that can happen too i mean it's only ever gonna happen in my opinion the best ones are like with three friends or two people who are like sort of dating and a third wild card that would almost suggest it what about two girls that are like hooking up and then they're looking for a third guy does that ever happen i'm sure it does i mean it's that seems even more rare i feel like also being the person that wants the threesome you have to be the last person

to be asked you can't be like going up to people like yo let's try to get this person have a threesome it needs to come to you and you need to be like whoa really uh yeah oh you're yeah you only get it when you don't ask for it right and you but you need to also react in such like a bewildered positive way that they're like all right let's blow this guy's mind oh like you're like oh yeah that sounds fun but i know i wasn't necessarily angling or thinking about this for a really long time right so this is a nice little pleasant surprise right and then i feel like people people rise to an occasion to like sort of try to give someone an experience so if if like there's two people that are like i'm gonna have a threesome with this dude or girl

and she's never done it and he's never done it they're excited like all right let's make it So if there's two people that are like, I'm going to have a threesome with this dude or girl, and she's never done it, and he's never done it, and they're excited, like, all right, let's make it fucking hot for them. So how can I do that? I'm talking about me personally, not one as an engineer. I'm just saying, we'll start going on more dates, start going out more, and it's a numbers game.

Yeah, if it happens one in the thousand nights that you go out, you just got to make sure that the next thousand nights happens in the next three years rather than the next 20 i really think so i think you know just keep on keep on hanging keep on raging all right so let's uh let's stop this episode right now let's go let's pregame right now come on it's 2 13 in the afternoon uh so if you have your own questions Your own theme songs Your own picture thumbnail suggestions Send it to ifIwereyoushow At gmail.com I don't know if we're back on a Monday Oh we are back on Thursday

So we'll see you guys soon Oh that last The shit It's been too long Fucker The opening theme song was from Adrian Don Adrian Don

Arty and Don And this closing theme song Is from Adam Lancaster So thanks Adam Thanks Arty and Don. Arty and Don. And this closing theme song is from Adam Lancaster. So thanks, Adam. Thanks, Arty and Don. And thanks, you guys, for listening. We'll be back soon. Bye. If I were you

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