Segments - 111: Clam Dip (with Dave Rosenberg!)

Episode Date: October 23, 2014

Our special friend Dave Rosenberg joins us to discuss working out, jealousy, and his grandma's secret recipe. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

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some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's get started. One of our favorite guests is back, Davey in the house. Oh, things got real. Enjoy. If you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, got no friends you can talk to face-to-face. Future problems, they can solve them at the very least. Make fun of you if I were you, if I were you, ifirewshow.com.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you Show at gmail.com Yeah. Very smooth. Dirk Parker. Thanks, Dirk. Dirk Parker wanted us to give us a quick shout-out to his Facebook music page, facebook.com slash dirkparkermusic. Is that okay, Dave?

Can I give him a shout-out? You're sort of a social media guru. Is that the best way for him to advertise? Howdy. He's back. He is back, boys. A mouthful of clam dip. We're outside.

This is our first ever outdoor podcast. All outside all the time for the first time. Our third or fourth episode with dave what is it third third this is the first one where a guest has a bowl of homemade four-day-old clam dip that you made for a party of ours that was when was our party three days ago four days ago the party today is wednesday right no tuesday today's tuesday the party was on saturday so that's three days no but you made it on friday yeah no i made it saturday morning saturday morning so that's saturday sunday monday so it's a four day old clam dip what are the ingredients of that bowl that you're eating it's uh grandma's secret recipe actually okay well

i hate to spoil grandma's secret recipe because i saw it in the fridge uh because you bought the ingredients when we all went to get alcohol you bought a quart of sour cream canned canned clams and i want to say that's it is there anything else there was a french onion onion dip powder yeah the powder is that it well i'm up everyone like you'd all make a dip, Instagram, and then tag it, hashtag clam stripped. Clam stripped. Clam dip, clam stripped. Well, I mean, it was such a hit at the party that Dave is just finishing it up now. But at the party, I would say no one touched it. It's like a hearty cereal bowl filled all the way to the top with this.

It's a beiged out sour cream at this point did anybody have any when you made it yeah people did have it but you've had that what percentage of that bowl do you think you've consumed over the past four days probably in the upper 80s much like the weather here in sunny los angeles uh that was we already said dirk parker it's okay that i gave him a shout out of the Facebook page. I know you don't like to give shit out for free social media wise. No, yeah. Facebook's the way to go. Yeah. Let me run it. Alright. Dirk,

if you're listening. Oh, that's a good idea. You should start running the musicians Facebook pages. Yeah. Holler at me. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir.'m jake and howdy dave rosenberg um finally we oh what did wasn't there you guys just got back from the gym right

oh yeah yeah how's that it's interesting working out with dave let me tell you a little bit about his workout is it has it anything to do with what he said in the last podcast, which was... That he worked out somewhere that he came once. He does mention that when we're working out. But here's something that he does. He doesn't do anything except for curls.

Is that true? Beauty muscles. He didn't do a single exercise that wasn't a curl. We were there for almost an hour. How many types of curls can you do? Or you just start with heavy? Well, he just does different weights. He just picks up, like, at one point he just picked up 50s,

and he, like, curled it twice and then put it down. And then I looked at him again, he was curling 30s. And then finally when it was time to go, he's like, yeah, I can't lift anymore. I pulled my wrist or something. Of course. You just curl. You don't do anything else didn't you also say that he dave at the gym in chelsea piers oh yeah that in chelsea piers he

was working out a little differently he wasn't just doing curls but he would just walk up to any machine not change the weight not touch it just sit down and do as many reps as he could with whatever weight was on there like Like a roulette game of sorts. Yeah. That's kind of like how you live your life. A bit. Yeah. You walk into situations and you do as much as you can and then you leave.

Yeah. Did you say that's accurate? Yeah, that seems pretty accurate. So the way it works, this here podcast, is that we get emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives, and they're seeking advice, guidance, and we offer it on this program. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a friend. And today we have Jake's best friend and a really good acquaintance of mine, Dave Rosenberg.

Are you ready to get started? Do you want to talk about anything before we dive into these emails? I'm good Let's do it Let's see if these inspire anything within us We need fake names though Can you at least give us that? A fake name for this guy?

Yeah Let's hear it Lamar Odom Nice Lamar Odom writes My. Lamar Odom writes, My girlfriend of four years is about to go to South Africa in three months. She will stay there for a year doing a study abroad program with her school. My problem is that I don't love her the way I used to.

We started dating at 15, and now I feel like I should move on. My current plan is to stay together with her until she's just about to leave and then break up with her to make breaking up easier while she's abroad. I want to wait because she really depends on me. She doesn't have many friends besides mine, and she's really in love with me. If I broke up with her now, it would crush her at this point. How can I use this situation to let her go in a way that means the least amount of hurting for her? Thanks, love, Lamar Odom.

So he doesn't like this girl anymore or love her anymore he doesn't love her and she's going away in three months for a year and he doesn't know when to break up with her is there a good the best time to break up in your experience i feel like you get these types of questions a lot where people think they're helping the other person by keeping the relationship going it doesn't matter if it's a month or three months or a year uh if you don't love someone you shouldn't continue to date them because you're just wasting both people's time so there's no there's no merit to waiting until just about she leave that's just about she's about to leave or doing it when she's in South Africa.

Yeah, it's like... I've never seen such sound advice delivered by somebody with clams all over their face. Yeah, yeah, that's my dessert. I'm keeping those clams on my chain for dessert. You were eating this clam dip last night at midnight. That'll be enough. I saw you eating it this morning at 7 a.m. before we went to work.

That's right. Right before we went to work out, you took a bag of pretzels. You had several pretzels covered in the clam dip. Stuffed them in your pocket and then gave really sage advice. I really do. I'm worried by how much of it you've eaten. It was a lot of clam dip.

It was too much clam dip for the party. Definitely too much clam dip for one person to consume in less than a week. I mean, it's insane. It's all in you. So, you know, one month, three months, a year, it doesn't make a difference. What's the difference between a cup and a quart of clam dip? It's all cream. It's all creamy clams at the end of the day.

But I agree with you. Do it as soon as possible. But is there anything to waiting before she leaves for a year well then she's you're gonna break up with her right before she leaves that's his plan she leaves oh he's saying right before because i don't know he'll make it easier it's gonna make it easier on her but it's really just making it easy on him yeah he's like he's confusing uh being a good guy for being a bad guy right yeah like i just want to wait till she's gone so then it's easier for her that's no no you're not right i

feel like i do that a lot too when i'm in relationships i'm like i feel like she'd like it this way is what i've convinced myself because i'd really like it this way i think she'd prefer you know rather she would rather break up over text than like meet me at a restaurant just to get dumped i'm just gonna just that's weird for her for her yeah and it's oh oh like coincidentally sure it's easier for me and good for me and i want that way too so i guess we do have that much in common not enough to stay together but so i think you should admit you're a coward which is fine and breaking up is so hard. Well, breaking up, it would be so hard for her to, like, she loves her boyfriend.

They're together for four years. And then right before she leaves, as she's about to be thrust into this new environment where she doesn't know anybody, and she feels like at least I'm tethered to something back home, my family and the love of my life. He's like, oh, I don't want to be together. Bon voyage! Have a good time in africa sweetie wait what she's leaving she couldn't hear him he did it from outside just before she lifts off and her service goes away no at least respond for 14 hours for for 12 months yeah she didn't

sign up for data or whatsapp. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. I feel like you talk about or one thinks about breaking up and you're like, when should I do it? Should I do it now? But as soon as you've decided to break up, you can't stay together. Like your body won't allow yourself to have a normal day. Like if I've already decided to break up with someone, I can't hide that feeling. It's just I'm sad and morose and then eventually the lady will be like why are you feeling this way and i'm like oh because

i don't know with somebody like they sense that they're like yeah they smell what's wrong and you're like oh nothing i'm thinking about work she's like okay and then you're just sort of a shithead for a month and finally she's like i just don't understand like what's going on you're not the person i love he's like oh well if you're gonna say that yeah then i think we shouldn't be together because of what you just asked this is you this is on you i wasn't pulling away i was stressed about other shit and it's your fault now that we're doing this you're breaking up with me if you think about it i'm gonna take it like a man all you can do is be i think breaking up is either you're you're an asshole and then you're a hero or you're a hero then you're an asshole and then you're a hero, or you're a hero

then you're an asshole. Because you break up with somebody clean, you're like, this is it, I'm sorry, I'm putting it all on the table, I don't want to be with you, I never want to be with you. She's like, why are you saying this? It's so hurtful. It's so fucked up. Yeah. But then she's done, she gets over it, and she's like, you know what? In retrospect, I'm glad that you didn't

string me along. I'm glad that you just You can keep going. Let's fight through these helicopters. Yeah, we're outdoors. you didn't string me along. I'm glad that you just... You can keep going. Let's fight through these helicopters. Yeah, we're outdoors. It's part of the elements now. I'm glad that you didn't string me along. It's picking me up. It doesn't have to be.

Keep going. I'm glad you didn't... They're just firing on the clam dip. That's not funny. Destroy the tip. Don't joke about that. It's a good clam dip That's not funny Don't joke about that It's a good clam dip, it's a good recipe Don't forget Three ingredients, sour cream

Don't forget the sour cream, otherwise you're just eating clams in a powder An onion powder Don't forget the hashtag Clam baked No, he said clam stripped There's two hashtags that we're using here One if you do it stoned and what if you do it drunk? Are you clam baked or clam stripped?

Either way, you're cooking my grandma's secret recipe. Follow both hashtags to find out if you won anything, really. What were you saying? So you're either an asshole at first and then she appreciates it later. You're an asshole at first and a hero later or a hero at first and an asshole later. Or you do it really nicely and then she's like oh he broke up with her really nicely right and then you're like you're still stringing her or him along and you're just like i just don't want to i don't think we should be together but like let's keep on hanging out she's like okay thank you i really need

support right now it's like okay and we can like hold hands and kiss if you need oh thank you i love that oh yeah you're still here for me i love you you're still my best friend yeah it's just that i don't want to be in a relationship and i'm not going to be with any anybody else it's just us and it's just like we're going to do this very slow slow breakup so it's easy on everyone that's hell for everyone until because you're you want one thing and you're saying you'll do another until then finally you're she's like you said you were my best friend and now you're ignoring my calls and you're trying to date other people. And I just found Tinder on your phone, and you said you weren't going to hook up with other people.

I'm like, oh, well, why were we going to break up if I didn't want to hook up with other people? So just be honest. Do your thing. You're an asshole, then you're a hero versus the other way around. Dave, since taking off your shirt, since Jake started that soliloquy? Yeah, it got hot. And it got you hot? Did it get you hot?

No, the clams got me hot. I put a little sriracha in it. I think you have food poisoning. I think you have food poisoning. I think sriracha is the only thing that could make it better, and there's not sriracha in there. Everything else was not a lie. You're lying about sriracha.

Next question, please. I've never seen anything that made Tostitos taste bad. But that's Duke Lampton. Wait, let's quickly, let's go around. Break up with her when? Dave? Now. Jake?

The second. Yeah, I agree. That's three breakups right away. Don't wait for her to be about to boarding a plane to South Africa. Let her deal with these emotions while she's not abroad. And then after three months, maybe she'll be more ready to deal with a breakup. If you break up with her right when she goes abroad that'd be that's that'd be dangerous let her find her support group and her friends and family you know don't just talk about it be about it yeah actions speak louder than words that's my word she's gonna meet some hot

south african that's what you're gonna be totally over that shit that's what you're afraid of. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Let's see. Okay. I got a good one for you guys. We need another guy's name. Davey? Pesha Stoyakovich. Pesha Stoyakovich, right.

I've been striking out with the ladies for longer than I care to admit, so about six months ago I discovered a double-wide trailer right off the interstate that gives Asian massages. We all know what goes down in those places. I've made it a weekly appointment, and it's been great. But now I've met a girl, and it's kind of getting serious. Do I have to stop getting my fix of the Asian persuasion? I don't even know if I'm cheating, technically.

I kind of doubt she'd be okay with it, but it really is the highlight of my week. Help! Love, Pizus Diakovic. Davey, ever gotten a rub and or tug? Um, no. Your eyes are saying yes. My eyes, I didn't pay for a rub and tug. The rub and tug was part of the real deal that I got.

What does that mean? I paid for the massage. Right. Okay. The rub and tug, I think this just happened because I was hot. I think she just tugged after the rub because she saw that I wasn't a schlub. She liked me, was attracted, and began to jerk me off. Did you get a little hand job action

after a massage no not after a massage but there was a hooker in montreal what that hooker in montreal she gave you a hand job that so she that was just a tug is this when you smoked crack it's not the crack story it's the hooker story so you're basically you're mixing up the nights two different nights i've actually never even had a massage i should probably get on that before i even consider the tug part but you're you're saying that you've paid for sexual things whether it be legal or otherwise and it's not that big of a deal always otherwise would you it's always otherwise it's never legal no it's legal in montreal it's legal that big of a deal. It's always otherwise. It's always otherwise. It's never legal. No, it's legal in Montreal. Is it legal?

In Montreal, it's legal. You can have hookers in Montreal. I'm about to look that up. It's what it's actually known for. Prostitution, legal, Montreal. Sorry, Montrealines. It's not known for that. It kind of is.

It's not known for that. How dare you? It's known for like an 18-year-old drinking age and hookers. Should prostitution be legalized in montreal so i don't think so i don't think it's legal oh god another helicopter okay well legal or not is it cheating um i guess you sort of have to put yourself in the girl's position what if uh she was going to some dude to get fingered every weekend would you like that no he probably wouldn't but he's not thinking of it like that he's thinking of it doesn't mean anything to me emotionally it's

just the equivalent of masturbating which is fine masturbating is not cheating so why is it cheating when a paid professional does it for me right again how is it any different if that girl is getting fingered by some professional yeah uh i guess it's not but you you know that emotionally it doesn't affect you while you don't know if that's the same case for your lady friend you can be afraid that she is getting emotionally attached to this guy that was diddling her is there a female equivalent equivalent of a uh um real quick this guy is emotionally attached to this thing oh yeah he calls it a fix he says it's the highlight of his week right it's that's emotional that's it that's an attachment but it doesn't say that that's like oh it's fucking whatever

because if it was whatever then he wouldn't do it well so he's saying he's like he's basically addicted to it i'm not saying he fell in love love with the masseuse that's stroking his cock. Nor is it the same one every time. Oh, that's what I'm interested in. Is that true? I don't know. We don't know. But let's say it's a rotating cast of Asian masseuses. Masai. Dr. Masseusers.

Masai. I think you should probably stop doing that. Yeah. But if he doesn't't is it that bad and fuck it right god he was so close to being to being a perfect like dog's got a bark all right fell off he was like creeping up this hill and if he had gotten to the top he would have coasted down into being a decent man he slipped on a bowl of clam dip and then just went tumble down.

As far as I'm concerned, I can't come quick enough. What do you mean? Pump them nuts out, you know what I'm saying? No, what are you talking about? No, you know, guys. You can't put it in the form of a freestyle rap for me. No, I mean, you take that clam dip and you spread it on your ass cheeks and you fucking squirt some sriracha on your fucking dick. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's enough. Wait, sorry. I just would like to recap. You put the clam dip on your ass cheeks, sriracha on your dick. No, clam on the dick, sriracha on the ass cheeks. No, no, no. Clam on the ass, sriracha on the dick. Jake was right.

And then you squeeze one out. Yeah. And is that cheating? I feel like to me... Clams are people too. That's not true. This is the lowest form of cheating. Maybe cam girls.

Because there's no physical touch and you're just jerking off to a girl talking to you. This is the second rung of let's say ten of cheating. So it's not if you can suppress it. if you can suppress the guilt, I don't feel like it's negative towards the relationship, necessarily. Not right now, but it's just something that's going to build up. Yeah, maybe not right now.

But I guess another way to think of it is if you're going to stop eventually, you might as well stop now. I mean, if you do anything for long enough, you're going to want to doing it you know you smoke crack for fucking three days in a row in montreal and all of a sudden you want to fix that next all those all of a sudden you're fucking whores that's hey that's not true um i made love to her which would mean she didn't take your money i love before this podcast started i'm like you should talk about this xyz story you're like no i don't feel comfortable talking about that and then since then you've talked about this thing which i think is morally worse than what went down that you won't want to talk about it's not no so you still want to talk about that other thing

what's i don't the bucket list thing the the bucket list thing was a long time ago in a land far far away i know which is why it seems like the limitations is up on the bucket list thing was a long time ago in a land far, far away. I know, which is why it seems like it means less. Statue of Limitations is up on the bucket list. How about I tell one part of the bucket list each episode? Oh, that's good. Oh, that's nice. Can we start right now? Yeah, I guess we could.

You said you crossed off seven parts of a bucket list in one night, one night. Seven items on a bucket list. Which I would pay, I think, almost all the money I have to see the whole entire thing. The list in its entirety. Do you have a bucket list? Yeah, it's pretty filthy. Okay, so let's say you can say one to however many of these things that you crossed off that night. Yeah, I got a blowjob in a bar bathroom.

Okay. Easy. That's fine. That's a good start. Nothing wrong with that. It's legal, I imagine. No, that is legal. I can't be legal.

It's way more legal than fucking a prostitute in Montreal after you smoked crack. Technically, it's more legal than the clam dip, oddly enough. I don't want to get into the details on why or how that's accurate, but it is. So, would you say this is cheating david yes as bad as cheating as sleeping with an ex-girlfriend during your relationship i don't think are there different degrees of cheating or is cheating cheating cheating is cheating it's like you know you can't just like break down stuff like that that's just forming an excuse for your bad behavior. And I don't appreciate it and I don't respect it, but I will allow it. That's very thoughtful and positive.

Jake, is cheating cheating? Or are there degrees of cheating? I did just fart pretty loudly, but the question remains. Power through. I would say this, for me, this right here is unequivocally cheating. As bad as any other cheating? Bad behavior. I do think there are degrees of cheating.

I think they're all, you know, reprehensible. And I'm not saying that from an ivory tower. I'm saying that from the basement level of that tower. The ebony basement. As the cheater myself. And I think they're just degrees because it's all, you know, it's all subjective to the person that you're in the relationship with. I'm sure there are people out there who are like, who don't care at all.

Like this. Stop eating it to the mic, dude. The fucking dip is just squeezing through your teeth like a Play-Doh spaghetti factory. You can hear him dipping it through the mic. It's just the sound of a thick glue. A viscous paste. It's a swamp.

It's a bubbling swamp. You guys are hating on something you haven't even tried. I have tried the clean dip. No, you haven't. Yes, I have. And I actually think it's pretty good. I like it. I can't bring myself to admit it.

What up, Grandma's Recipe? Happy birthday, Grandma. 86 on Sunday. Is that true? Yeah. Or something. And she used to make that? That's nice.

Yeah, that's what's up. Canned clams just in there? I mean, probably fresh clams. Cape Cod. What up, Dennis Port? South Dennis? Hyannis? Where you at?

Holla at my boy. Instagram your clam dip pictures with Cape Codding it. What? Third hashtag? Hasht pictures with cape codding it clam big clam stripped and cape codding it please i have never cheated on uh somebody and uh the ball so you fucking pussy yeah that's that's right. Whoa, I love that. I love that. That's a clam dip talking. That's not untrue. It's not the whiskey. I am afraid. But I would say that there are less, there are totally degrees of severity.

Like going to a strip club, that some might consider that cheating in a strict sense. And then sleeping with someone that you love or having an affair is a totally different thing. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's all subjective to the relationship because I don't think cheating is like your relationship to the act. It's your partner's relationship to the act. It's like how fucked would this person feel

if she or he knew what I did? So if she's just like a cool, liberal, sexually free person. She might be like, oh, dope. You're getting handjobs? That's hilarious. Totally do your thing. Like in an open relationship.

But he has the sense that she would not be cool with it. Maybe you could test the waters by being like, oh, my buddy so-and-so has been doing this handjob thing. It's so weird, right? And then she'd be like, I don't know, it sounds fun to me. Then you're like, cool. Or she's like, yeah, I would kill you if you ever did that if you had a girlfriend which way would you rather her be

would you rather her be like dude you can totally get a handjob I don't care or would you rather her be like if you get a handjob I'll cut your dick off I would probably rather her be in the middle of that like I don't know I would never do this no I know but which reaction would you look for in

a type of lady i any girl do you think she would cut my dick off or something i would probably break up with her but i don't think i would want oh yeah wait please whatever this story is go ahead i was seeing a girl once upon a time and a long time ago yeah this all happened this is all borderline a different person so let's preface every one of your stories that way. She was a different man. She was, no, she was Silvana was her name. Oh, we should edit that out, right? I had a girl, Silvana was her name.

I don't think she even speaks English. I don't think she understands the language that well. Made it fun. She used to get crazy and say she would cut me up into little pieces and uh rock hard whenever she yeah nothing turned me on more she almost tried to stab you because she was over here i remember this when was this dave had like under his bed like he had gone on a date with somebody a long time ago not even long long time ago oh not even a long time ago it was just at a bar that he went he like walked into a photo booth and started making out with a girl

inside of it wow and took and it took photos so and dave like had the photos in his room under his bed not like fucking hung up and sylvana somehow found them yeah and freak like she just didn't she screamed at me i thought i thought she to kill me. And she was also, you guys were not like officially dating in any way, were you? Oh, no, not really. How many dates had you been on when she yelled at you like that? I don't really go on dates. I sort of just hang, you know, hang. I mean, you went into a photo.

That was really cool, though. She's probably the most attractive girl you've ever dated. I plead the fifth on that, but she was very pretty. She was very. I got worried, though, because she was a bit older than me. 58? No, no, no. She was in her mid-30s.

In front of my grandma's. She didn't have a green card. I know that sounds bad, but I'm always sort of in the back of my head all the time. Is that something I should be worried about? Am I illegal for this? Yeah dave got deported the guy the guy who fucked a prostitute is worried about the legality of having don't talk about viola like that it was viola wait you want to be able to remember just to back up a little bit you went into a photo booth and made out with a girl that you had not known uh i don't know if that's accurate but she did find like

photo booth picture there's a funny story somewhere about that about that bar which is really funny which bar dave like do you mind if i tell well if you i'm just gonna tell a story and if you mind then you tell me afterwards a long time ago gonna be in the galaxy far far away dave was a different man years ago. We went to a party at the Jane and Dave just like within 30 seconds, that's like all he does is just like immediate. He either starts making out within 30 seconds

of entering a bar. Mystery method the game. That's what I do. You are the anti me. It takes me like weeks to grow on someone and you start off as high as fiery hot as you can get. Because Dave's hot when he walks in a room and dumb when he gets to know him. You're like ugly when you walk in a room but hot when somebody gets to know you.

You're like, oh, you're smart and funny and successful. And then you're like, oh, you're a statue except you're weird and dumb. We should run into each other and create this person that's hot and then smart. And then the leftovers will be this ugly dumbass

that never gets anything. And then we'll, the hot, that would be Jake. Yeah, exactly. The leftovers is the clam dip. So Dave started making out with this girl within 30 seconds of walking into a bar. Like we walked in, I was like, I'm going to grab a drink.

Do you want one? Okay. He's Frenching a tiny little Asian girl on a stairwell. And repeatedly, this wasn't a dance floor. This was pretty bright light. Dave tried to finger her. I don't remember this. She said, I'm not that kind of girl.

Whatever. You have to take me out on a date. So, of course. It's coming back to me. I remember this. I like Jake remembering her words when you do. Dave says, you know what? Tomorrow, let's go on a date.

I'm going to take you out. They decide on the bar to meet at. Dave shows up on time. I guess she's running a little late. As soon as Dave walks in, some trash girl comes up and is like, we just dared our friend to make out with you. And Dave's like, okay, knowing that he's on time for a date. The clock is ticking. You're playing perfection.

He's making out with this fucking random drunk girl who's making out with him on a date. The clock is ticking. You're playing perfection. Dave starts making out with this fucking random drunk girl who's making out with him on a dare and his date walks in. Of course. Of course she does. God does not allow that to happen.

Tell me you still have those texts. Do you still have those texts? No, my phone broke during that November tour. What were the texts though? You were like,

can you come back? I'll explain. See, what happened was I made out with someone. Oh, you already do you want to, like, can you come back? I'll explain. See, what happened was I made out with someone. Oh, you already knew that. Okay. I guess I'm done with explaining.

Clam dip? Question mark? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There. You had an embarrassing story that night too, so don't try and get all high and mighty on me.

What was my embarrassing story for that night? Was it at the jane hotel or was it at the top of uh like labane or that room oh when i got kicked out yeah fight yeah yeah that was that night bro so back was that the same night it was oh you're right like aass place, and I'm trying to get my little fingers a little bit of that. A little bit of that cam did on it. That's quite enough. Let's take a quick break, and then we'll be back with more questions with Dave Rosie. Howdy. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Hey, we're back. What's your game when you're tall and handsome? Is it really just get in by saying as few words as possible,

as quickly as possible? Or do you like to get to know a girl? No, I don't have a game. I'm sorry if people think I do or if Jake thinks I do. You do have a game whether it's intentional or not. You have a strategy or at least a subconscious way of dealing with social situations. I think you're really good at making small talk. You're so shallow and vapid.

That's true. When you go into a bar and you see a girl, are you persistent? No, I don't know. Or you back off and you let them come to you? I don't have a strategy. I need to be the perfect amount of drunk to not be too drunk, to be stumbling. You don't like being too drunk. I don't.

I really don't. But you can't be too sober either. I compare it to Lou Gehrig's disease where I have this shell that I'm living in, but I can't do anything about it. I did just recently do Dave Rosenberg's drunk ice bucket challenge just to raise awareness for that crippling disorder where you're too wasted. You know the Lou Gehrig's disease where it's the perfect amount where you can't play baseball but you're not dead.

That's the drunk that I want to be. Today I consider myself the drunkest man on the face of the earth. The face of this bar. So what do you do? You get the perfect amount of drunk. I'm a fucking coward

throwing through when it comes to women. So if a hot girl sees you and smiles at you, you never approach? No, I do. I'll do it with that. But I'll have nights where no one will even look at me. And then you just don't do anything about it. Yeah, I'm not okay with walking up to someone that's not even looking at me.

Even though you're 6'4", 200 pounds. Well, that's why it's easy for him. I think that you and I both do the same thing you we need to be like looked at admired so that just like that's that like initial spark of confidence yeah that's what you need you try to lower your risk right some people have confidence right when they walk in the bar like i can get anybody and they walk up and talk to somebody us three we'll walk into the bar like does anybody here like me and then somebody's like i like you and you're like fuck yeah then you can talk to somebody. Us three, we'll walk into the bar like, does anybody here like me? And then somebody's like, I like you.

And you're like, fuck yeah, you do. Then you can talk to them. It's weird. When I know someone's liking me too, I'm like, oh,

fuck that. It's building. It's building. That's it. That's all. It's that energy. It's like, I think you might be cool.

And then you're like, you rise to the occasion and you're like, I am cool. But I'm over it because I don't want someone that likes me. I want someone that fucking wants to slice me up, cut me up into a million. Sylvana, if you're like, you rise to the occasion and you're like, I am cool. But I'm over it because I don't want someone that likes me. I want someone that fucking wants to slice me up, cut me up into a million.

Silvana, if you're listening, te gusta. But it's weird how confidence, when you're growing up, you think, oh, yeah, confidence is the key to success. But you realize like confidence comes in so many different ways. Like Amir last night performed in front of like 60 people. Not that many people did fine. But earlier in the night, he played a five-on-five game with no one watching basketball

and absolutely played like a complete pussy. Like it really was terrible. He was a garbage trash man. Is it possible that I'm just better at comedy than at basketball? No, because you played like a pussy. Oh, you're saying I didn't play to the best of my abilities.

Yeah, yeah. So that can happen. Yeah, I got intimidated. So you're saying you weren't confident on the basketball court, so you didn't play up to your potential, but you were confident on the stage, so you did play up to your potential. That just reminds me of a funny story

that Dave wanted to play basketball so bad at this fucking five-on-five rec league that you do that he was rebounding for the other team before they got there. And Gene's just running around. At one point, a ball – I was sitting in the corner on my phone, and a ball started bouncing towards me. And I put my hand up to catch it, and Dave goes, let me touch it. Let me touch it. I don't want to touch the ball. All right. Let's get to one more question.

I like basketball. I know, yeah. What up, Peja? When you're in an indoor gym, basketball is very special. Yeah, but no one's even watching you play that game. What are you getting nervous about? I guess my friend's on the team. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of them.

I played with you on Friday. You played fine. Thanks, bro. I really needed to hear that. Just play with heart. That's all I care about. You played fine. Thanks, bro. I really needed to hear that. Just play with heart. That's all I care about. I'll try. I'll try.

I really do think I was hustling, but we really got to get to the next one. I don't appreciate the fucking lack of effort shit because I was running. You run like a pansy. Your legs bow out when you run. It's so lame. It's almost comical if it were on purpose. Dave still hasn't freestyled. I feel like he's been freestyling all weekend.

And we haven't gotten one today. Such like a white boy lame. He did. You know, he did a lot today. What did he say today? He had a good one today where he said, he said, please me, don't tease me, just put a bacon, egg, and cheese in me. Something like that. Give me a bacon, egg, and cheese in me. Yeah. Oh, and

me. Please me, don't tease me, just give me a bacon, egg, and cheese in me. The flow is a little bit tighter, don't tease me. Just give me a bacon egg and cheese and meat. The flow is a little bit tighter. The flow is a little bit smoother. Will you just do it? No. Let's see if it comes out of this next question.

Fine, I just want like at one point rap about clam dip. That's all I care about. Just if you find a way to do it. You don't have to do it now, but just if it comes up organically. Yeah.

All right, give me one more person's name. Vladi. Divac. Finish it. Vladi who? Finish it, I said. Oh, Divac, yeah, yeah. V's name. Vladi Divac. Finish it. Vladi who? Finish it. I said Divac. Oh, Divac, yeah, yeah.

Vladi Divac. Right. I've been dating my current girlfriend for nine months now. She's a dime and a cool, I can assure you of that. Yesterday she was at my place and she left her Facebook open. I tried to resist the temptation, but I ended up going through her chats. I know I'm a scumbag for doing this. The thing is that I discovered something that kind of rubs me the

wrong way. Turns out that before we started dating, she passionately kissed one of her guy friends. I'm sure that's over. I've known her for 10 years, and I know she's not the kind of person to cheat on someone, but she still hangs around with him. Sometimes she goes to his house with other friends. Also, I read that she accidentally kissed another one of her friends but she described it as it was nothing but she described it as it was nothing important that she felt nothing she never told me any of these things what should i do stop being a fucking coward pussy dude people just do shit get over it focus on making money that cheese that pepperoni that salami you know what i'm saying like fucking you're wasting your energy damn hey so you're saying this guy's a kind of a pansy for even giving a shit like you're you're weak for checking her facebook then you're mad at her for

being weak so you're just not being weak what the fuck did she do that was no he's mad at her oh for checking the facebook yeah i've been there before i've done that shit oh you have you've checked the emails the facebook the facebook not the emails that facebook it's never good because you do it because you're insecure and you're scared yeah and then you find something to be insecure and scared about well you know i i got fucked over in college once with like uh uh my girlfriend at the time said she got a facebook message from someone saying from some woman saying that like girl woman woman sounds weird uh college-age woman yeah uh my girlfriend at the time said that uh this girl that i I did orientation with,

Facebook messaged her saying that we were like fucking for the entire orientation week. Was that true? No, it wasn't. And I was like, okay, show me it. She's like, oh, I was so upset that I deleted it. I was like, okay. So now I'm like, I don't understand.

I'm like, okay, should I believe, who should I be mad at in that situation? I was very confused. And it turns out everyone in that situation was a shithead. Including myself. Yes, folks. So now you don't peep. You don't snoop.

Wait, so you did snoop on this girl's Facebook? Or did you not? No, I didn't, but I could have. But I was just sort of relating that to a way that Facebook sort of... Facebook fucks everyone over. But check out callouthumor.com on Facebook. We got 3.89 million fans and we're close to hitting 4 million, folks.

I get a promotion when we hit 4 million. So the sooner and the better. That's not true. That's not true. I get three bowls of clam dip mix. But you don't have to make it yourself. Grandma makes it for you. That's true. Allison said something that I remembered

that was really good. Allison Williams. Yeah, my co-host. She said, when you snoop, you always find what you're looking for. That's true. That's fucking true. Just don't do it. Even if you don't find it you snoop you always find what you're looking for yeah yeah and like that's fucking true just don't do it even if you don't find it you're gonna assume something is happening this guy's mad at her for cheating on him in before they even got together ignorance is bliss

you can't but like what the fuck she of course she made out with somebody before but her friend it's a little bit weird like if you found out your friend your girlfriend hooked up with a friend that she hangs out with still. Most people hook up with their friends. Up until the point where you guys are like, we are together. Nothing matters. Nothing counts. Right.

Only going forward if she – and all he said is that he knows she's not the kind of girl to cheat on him. Great. So before she even was with you, she kissed somebody. Good for her. That's great. But not just anybody. A guy that she still hangs out with. That's a friend of hers.

That she hangs out with other people. You know what's weird? It doesn't matter. You know what's weird about people that think they're in love? It's like they're in love with themselves more than they are with the other person. I'd love to delve deeper. Please. Elaborate.

So this guy says he's in love maybe he doesn't but he says he's in love with this girl yet he hates the fact that she was like happy or met someone before they even met each other and it's like a very selfish thought to have like oh i'm the only one that can love you i mean he didn't say that either but you always hear so so many people say after a breakup's going like no one will love you like i do yeah like that is the most ignorant selfish shit you can ever say dehumanize people when you say shit like that but that no one will ever love you as much as i love you like this girl didn't exist before he liked her like i brought you into the world and you kissed someone before me but can't you say that you're the best that this girl has ever had? No, because there's millions, billions of people in this world.

Only you have the emotional capacity and the dope physique to love her. Stop forest fires. Yeah. Fucking pissing me off, actually. Let me do some curls here. You hurt your wrist. Dude, but I'm fucking. You're getting yoked up.

Yeah. You're getting jacked. Should I do bicep? Your arms are fucking massive. I haven't worked out in three years. Because you don't work out. That's what's up. You have worked out in three years.

You worked out today. If you're listening and I'm ripped, then I'm going to give you that green card. I'm going to give you that green card. It's like your muscles never atrophy. They just get stronger. I've never seen somebody that he flexed and your biceps looks massive

and then your belly is just filled with clam dip. this is how you got into a fight on the plane which is another story you wanted to tell you always got into an altercation on an airplane on the way over here i did i don't know if i can do the story justice but i left for la friday 6 a.m 6 a.m. 6 a.m. flight. You got to wake up at like 345. Also, real quick, I want to mention that when he showed up, his bag was a backpack and two plastic shopping bags. He was also wearing flip-flops because then you don't have to take them off in the security line. I think that's fair and smart. Pretty smart.

And you have not taken this American flag bathing suit off in four days. So you land at 9 a.m la time around noon eastern yeah you're drunk on the plane well like an hour into the flight the stewardess male flight attendant male flight attendant um happened to like my jawline let's put it that way are you very gay friendly i am i love gay people and they love you i don't know i can't generalize i think uh uh dealing with it's a generalization to say you love gay people no but i do i've never met a gay man so he's giving you free drinks your flight was at what time 6 45 6 45 so this is 7 45 a.m that you're starting i mean i probably ate maybe did you ask

for it or he's like hey do you want a free vodka no i went i went in back to go to the bathroom and i'm just chit-chatting it up of course and um yeah you know i always make i am i've been i've been pretty good lately i like uh holding eye contact with people that's how i know if i'm like building confidence oh that's good yeah you are staring at me yeah yeah and if i can hold eye contact with someone, I know I'm going down the right path. That's good. That's good. If they look away,

I know they're scared. Oh. They're scared. I like that. Yeah, that's what's up. So how did you broach the idea of vodka at seven in the morning?

He offered it to me. Oh, without you even prompting? He's like, do you want a little drink? Well, no. He was like, I was like, is that vodka?

Can I have some? He's like, do you want vodka? And I said, yeah. So it was sort of like he offered. Oh, no, no. Because he had a no. He was like, I was like, is that vodka? Can I have some? He was like, you want vodka? And I said, yeah. So it was sort of like he offered. Oh, no, no.

Because he had a question. He was like, oh, do you want a drink? Because I was standing up in back by the bathroom again. And he's like, oh, you want a drink? And I was like,

oh, like, what kind of drink? You know, I get that OJ. So he set the stakes. You raised the stakes. He matched the stakes. He made it a screwdriver.

And so he gave me two. Okay. Two little airplane bottles. And then he did that again in an hour. And then he did it again in an hour. So fast forward to about 9 a.m. So that's six little airplane bottles of vodka. 9 a.m. Pacific.

That's a lot of vodka. Yeah, before 10 a.m. So basically I'm like, I have to go to the bathroom like every hour and a half. Yeah. So I have been going to the bathroom a lot. It's a way for me to also get more drinks. So you're pretty tipsy. You're what you would call the perfect amount of drunk?

Yeah. Lou Gehrig drunk. Tag that clam dip. Lou Gehrig drunk. I was also getting a lot of work done on the plane though. JetBlue, they got good Wi-Fi. JetBlue, if you're listening, I changed my flight from Monday to Thursday and you charged me $300.

Of course they're not listening. Hashtag JetBlueMe and give me that refund Change my flight from Monday to Thursday and you charge me $300. Of course they're not listening. Hashtag JetBlueMe and give me that refund on Instagram. They're also outing their stewardess for giving you free vodka. So we land. You have to pee, but there's the seatbelt because you're landing. So as soon as the seatbelt button goes undone, everyone stands up and starts getting their bags. You fucking beeline towards the bathroom and take a piss. You get out of the bathroom and there's a line of people waiting to get off the

plane you know the aisle is filled so you're walking through the sea of people saying excuse me pardon me trying to get back to your seat but according to them they just think you're trying to like rush out of the plane before them well no most people are like okay he's just going back to the seat uh he doesn't have any bags in his hand he's not trying to skip the line no one does that i don't think anyone does that. But one guy. One guy thought I was doing that. And this was like two seats behind me.

And it's this dude who was like sitting down at the time. And I'm like going by and I must have like bumped his knee. And he was like, oh, like you going somewhere, bro? And I'm like, yeah, back to my seat. Is that okay with you? And he like stands up he's wearing sunglasses oh you're trying to be a tough guy now and I'm like no I'm not trying

to be a tough guy I'm trying to go back to my seat is that okay with you and then he takes off his sunglasses and he's like why are you trying to be tough and I'm like I'm not trying to be tough i'm trying to go back to my seat because that's where my bags are yeah and uh there was a stortus like we were

sitting on both sides of the emergency exit and the stortus was like um are you guys okay and i'm like yeah i'm okay. That's probably the toughest way to back down from a fight. You're trying to be a tough guy? No. I'm trying to leave right now. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of you, dog. He's like, yeah, you want to be tough?

I actually don't want to be tough, motherfucker. I wasn't trying to be tough. I want to be away from you. He was trying to be tough yo if you listen and you a fucking bitch you're a bitch dude you're sitting at the picnic table in our backyard four days later and you're like yeah come at me no i'm not fucking come at me i'm gonna fight someone on an airplane dude what the fuck you talking about how big was this guy that he looked at you you're six four two hundred i'm not gonna fucking try and fight someone on a

goddamn plane what are you talking about? Because you got shook. I didn't get shook. I'm never shook. You got shook. Nah, I'm shaking, but not stirred. Not like this clam dip. We're out of time. I don't know what to say.

Two questions? Three, actually. But we got some good stories. I was hoping to hear a question from a woman. I think they were all males. Yeah, yeah. That's sort of how it goes. The majority of our questions are from guys. But we got some good stories. I was hoping to hear a question from a woman. I think they were all males. Yeah, yeah. That's sort of how it goes. The majority of our questions are from guys.

But we'll have you back. We want to hear more about the bucket list. We want to hear more about your insight about stuff. We forgot to mention that we have a live podcast coming up on November 13th. Tickets are about half sold out. So you should snatch them up while you still can. It's very fun. It's a festive atmosphere.

And the more people are there, the better. November 13th. Okay, he's just back in. He's dipping it. He's dipping it for sure. That was dip. So please check that out. And if you have your own questions that you want us to try to tackle,

or your own theme song, oh, mercy, it's if I were you show at gmail.com. We're also still accepting thumbnail submissions, 600 by 315, which is perfect for Facebook, right, Dave? You're the one who told me that. Yeah, 600 by 315 pixels. You can do it bigger. You can actually do a 600 by 600. As long as the image fits into the parameters of the 600 by 315,

you can do like a little border. I know that doesn't really make sense. You should start a social media podcast where you just talk, give your advice about it. I have the shirt on backwards. That's okay. That's okay. Social media podcast. There's only hundreds of thousands of those.

Thank you to Dirk Parker for writing the opening theme song and the closing theme song by two ladies who I think have submitted before. Their name are Allie and Lisette. Dave, anything you want to say or promote before we go? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Howdy. So thanks, Dave. Thanks, you guys, for listening. We'll be back soon. Later. This goes out to Amir and the Pinch. Get your crab clock out. Who gives a fuck about Amir and Jake? Their guys is lame and fake. A heart could do no better. If you like dirty Jews, then you know who to choose.

Your heart, do you? Tight. I need to tell them they're killing me now. And especially, I love Starbucks. Dope. I'll have a drink and I'll strike you out. I'll buy a weed and I'll play some tree. I'm high.

Drinking a beer, they always tease the cheese. Very choda. I always see the king. Polyamory. That's right. But if you want to know all the advice that you've been waiting to hear directly from women on how to attract, date, seduce, and get the woman you want, then check out our podcast, the Ask Women Podcast, right here on Podcast One. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.