Segments - 112: TextJake.com

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

In this episode we discuss our newest business: A website that allows Jake to make text suggestions for you! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Did things get. Oh, shit. Of course. They did. They got real. A one. A two. A one, two, three.

If I were you. If I were you. Here's what I'd do. do with your two favorite Jews. Yeah. If I were you. Mm-hmm. Acapella. Yeah.

Camilo. Camilo wrote that. Really? Yeah. It was an acapella jam that he worked on relentlessly for several consecutive hours that's what he said that's what he said he also wanted to give his boy shashank a shout out because he has a breakaway hit called booty in my face wait what's booty in my face i want to hear booty in my face you'll have to hear it after the show

i guess shashank's booty in my face friend of camilo oh that's the who wrote that acapella song um holy shit what i don't want to do this anymore the everything today's everything we'll record no it's just a wave of apathy hit me and i think i'm done entirely recording today we're recording being with you anything with you oh so it's not apathy it's something else it's worse apathy is neutral i just don't care anymore so i really don't want to be with you you're you're not feeling neutral you're feeling negative i know it uh this is a huge episode this is a big one yeah 112 yeah this is we've basically been building to this moment this episode for a year a calendar a calendar year it's been since we talked about

building a website called uh texting casanova that allows you to make text suggestions for people. Oh, I didn't even realize that that's what we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm referencing here. Cool, yeah, yeah. And after a year, we're finally ready to announce it. It's happened. Yeah.

It's real. It's called TextJake.com. Which is actually better than Texting Casanova. Yeah, Texting Casanova is long. And hard to say. Yeah, it's hard to say and it's hard to spell. Texting Casanova.com. Which is actually better than Texting Casanova. Yeah, Texting Casanova is long. And hard to say. Yeah, it's hard to say and it's hard to spell. Texting Casanova. Right. Textanova. TextJake.com. Textnova. TextJake. That's all you need to know.

We also considered Textpert. Textpert. Yeah, Textpert. But then we were like, is it expert or is it ext-pert? Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to say. It's hard to pronounce. So we settled on Textjake.com, which is good because it's like,

oh, don't know what to text? Text Jake. Boom. Yeah. And you can spell both those words really easily. Yeah. Because they're four letters,

single syllable words. Textjake.com. So it exists. You can go to it right now. How does it work? People submit their screencasts. Email us in. People, yeah, they tell me who the person is.

They give me a little context. They tell me what they're after. Yeah. And then they screenshot some of their previous texts. And I make a text suggestion. Yeah, and it's actually you. It's actually me. And we...

I do more than just a text suggestion. I'd also like to advertise a little bit. Because I don't just respond with the text. Right, because we've been doing it for a couple weeks as a beta trial. So people have been using it so far. And they give me so much context that I like to weigh in a little bit. In whatever way I can to help. Okay, so it's like a little pep talk of sorts.

Yeah, for instance, a woman wrote in last night and she sent me some screenshots and she was like, what should I text this guy? And judging by the context and the previous screenshots, I advised her the perfect text message, but then also I was like, yo, you should dump this chump. Right, so it's like border it's half advice half uh text suggestions yeah but there's always a suggestion

in there i'm a bit of a life coach yeah does that make me a hero i wouldn't say of course not it doesn't i would say it doesn't does having this website make me a martyr? No, it does not. A martyr is someone who dies for a cause. I would say that I am a martyr, a hero. Are they going to erect statues in my honor? No. They should.

They will not. Of course not. Will they sing songs of me? Songs of you? Songs about me. Will there be songs of me? Songs of you? Songs about me. Will there be songs and tales sung about me? Totally not. Yeah, there should be.

There won't be. I wouldn't say there shouldn't be. I will say there shouldn't be. I would say I'm a hero, I would say I'm a martyr, and I would say I'm a god. Okay. Here's what I would say. I would say you're a romantic consultant. I'm a hitch of myself.

Yeah. I've hitched myself to the wrong cart. You are good at this. So we thought maybe in this episode we'd answer some text-related questions. You can show off your expertise. And then if people want their personalized flavor, they can go to textjake.com. Thanks to Garrett Bowden for building that website for us. Yeah, that was really cool. He did us a good solid. That was really on point of him to work for a year. That was a tight move by him because we don't know how to build that. The way he worked for a year for a a joke we said yeah it was dope yeah now it's available and it's here and it's yours so people have been emailing us uh for a long

time too if i were your show at gmail.com we get these emails of people who are in sticky situations and we uh we offer our advice and uh this is going to be like a texting slash tindering themed episode very toda um so you want to you want to get started yeah let's do that uh why don't you come up with the names for this episode since this is this is you this is your shit text jake.com no problem here we go okay well so all the themes will be anything anything you want sure the guy's name or a girl it is a guy's name carson daly carson daly the guy who first introduced me to text messaging remember the carson daly phone for nokia that had texting on no he advertised this phone it was like this i think it was one of the first phones with text and that was like their angle like you can text

people and i remember being like why the fuck yeah why would you text i'll call yeah i'll call or i'll go on aim text was what the original thing was and then we made phones and then we don't have to text anymore now that's my life yeah let's do it i'm a freshman in college and it's been a and i oh dear i'm a freshman in college and it was a very long distance relationship so i came as oh my god why don't you read this i'm having a stroke sure two weeks ago my girlfriend of four months broke up with me i'm a freshman in college and it was a very long distance so it came as no surprise after some initial anger spending a day running into bathroom stalls to weep and a brief stint where she begged me to take her back we finally had a conversation and are parting on good terms.

Here's my shitty idea. So I've downloaded Tinder and I'm flirting with girls in person just a bit as well. I'm rediscovering that I'm not great at it. Before we were together, I would often ask my ex for advice on picking up girls. She was really good at it.

Like, she could work for textingcasanova.com, readtextjake.com, now that we've got that going. She could work for textanova.com. Read text Jake.com. Yeah, we've got that going. She could work for text Jake.com. And she was the best female friend I ever had. So considering I can't email you guys every time I need advice, would it be a bad idea to ask if she says yes

to continue getting flirting tips from my ex failing to seize the cheese, wondering if I should do me, Carson Daly. So everyone, I guess, not everyone, but most people have someone in their lives that they run texts by or that are good at flirting. I've even run mine by you. Sure.

It just helps to be like sign off on this. Yeah, even Roger Federer has a tennis coach. He's not necessarily better than Roger. Roger Federer's tennis coach asks Roger for text advice. And Roger himself actually asks you for text advice. I would really like to advise our Fed. You actually wrote an email for Goran Ivanovic one time. Yeah.

It was to his ex-fiance asking for the ring back. Because he needed to pawn it. So this guy's texting expert, unfortunately, is his ex-girlfriend. Yeah. So? Beside the advice of using textjake.com for all of his texting needs. Well, yeah, that's, of course, the initial advice. Yeah, obviously, he can do that.

But let's say, in general, would you use an ex-girlfriend's advice to text new girls? Of course not. Well, I don't think she would even say yes. So, like, asking her is a terrible idea. Well, what if they ended on such good terms that they're like, we're friends now, we can do this.

You're not. You're not friends and you can't do that. Are ex-girlfriends off limits to help you get new girlfriends? Of course. Yeah. Could you imagine? I mean,

no, I can imagine like an ex-girlfriend from like 10 years ago to help me get a lady. Right. Fine. 10 years ago, 10 years ago, ex-girlfriend life resets every five to 10 years.

I don't think at any point would an ex-girlfriend of mine be good at hooking me up with new girls. There's no scenario. There's no girlfriend that you're in such good terms with. I don't think you're right when you say it. I don't think there's a scenario where it's not so loaded. Yeah, there's always the loadedness of it but if it's been like two girlfriends three girlfriends since the first one and it's been 10 years and she knows someone and maybe she can help me get a girl you don't think that's in the realm of possibilities i mean that's an extreme version

of what this guy's asking this guy's asking for a girl that he broke up with two weeks ago to me it's all loaded so like she doing that is so inherently flirting with you right so if your ex-girlfriend of 10 years was like oh i have this new girl i want you to go on a date with that's her flirting with you right that's her being like you're you're attractive and single and available and i'm interested in you having sex and And it's like so close to, and it should be with me. It's a surrogate. Yeah. So, I mean, this girl is probably going to say no, first of all. And second of all, to have her weighing in on your text,

I don't think she's got your best interest of like getting laid and getting over her at heart. Well, that's another good feature of text, Jake, is the fact that you're a random unbiased source so you're not in you're not you have nothing emotionally or physically invested in this thing we're like this girl she can't distance herself from the situation so much so that she's not like in at least subconsciously trying to either sabotage or help you out oh hey what should i text this girl oh that girl's not funny yeah oh that girl's a bitch yeah and then but you're you're you're removed you have nothing to do

with these people i'll tell you straight up if a girl ain't funny if a girl a bitch i'll let you know how it is yeah you have you gotten texts who are like how should i hit on this girl and you're like don't hit on her oh that was yeah i got that last night yeah some dude was like uh yo i'm like i matched with this girl on tinder like a conversation sort of drying up and she was just being an asshole to him yeah and i was like text this girl the fuck off i was so mad she's mean to you she's being mean yeah don't take that uh but i always do like the tech because i always write the text for what that person would want right so it's like if you do want her you want this to happen and you shouldn't text this right

it's sort of like a genie granting a wish yeah he's begrudgingly doing it yeah it's when the genie was working for jafar sure i will make you a powerful sorcerer, which is my command. Shit, man. Yeah. So as this guy's text genie, you would advise him not to. I would advise you to find a new girl. Right. To help you with this flirtation, because that's how you met your last girlfriend. That's going to be how you meet your next girlfriend.

What do you think about it? Don't dip into the old pot of soup is that a is that a phrase it is now you don't want the old cold soup yeah you want that new hot soup reheat that soup uh are girls good at texting for guys about girls do you know what i mean um oh yeah i think i've gotten advice from girls about texting girls and it's always terrible really well you know who's good is that girl in austin she was good yeah yeah she would but like she was good at texting guys she wouldn't be good at texting girls oh are you better at texting for guys or for girls i think i could text for both i think it's just different because like sometimes girls will text something they know a girl would want to hear. And guys will text something they know a guy would want to hear. You have to keep in your head that you can't always tell people exactly what they want to hear.

Sometimes it's like, I'm going to text you what I want to say. And you have to interpret that in your way that you will. Does that make sense? Not to me, but I'm glad it does to you. Because you have to interpret that in your way that you will. Does that make sense? Not to me, but I'm glad it does to you. All right. Cause you're the guy writing texts. It's like,

it's in, it's intangible. I can't, I really can't teach it. That's the best part. It's a skill that you can't even impart to anybody else, even if they want it. That's why I like football players make a lot of money.

Cause like, if you're like, Hey, how do you be fast? You're like, Oh, you just like pump your legs really hard. Yeah.'t get tired and if i get hit it doesn't hurt that much right i'm superhuman yeah so their skill is football and yours is writing texts that are funny

and charming yeah i guess which one of us is more talented? Me or Adrian Peterson? Of course the football player. I don't beat my kid. You don't have a kid. But if I did, well, who knows? If he was being a total shit. I might do something about it. All right, so our advice to this guy is don't ask your ex-girlfriend because it's impossible for her to be completely unbiased

and removed from the situation. Ask at least, if not text jake then uh a friend who's less involved in the yeah in your love life like just work on it you can get better at flirting and texting just keep on like just keep at it you know what i'm saying yeah uh it's that 10 000 hours shit yeah dude you don't you don't want to be relying on your ex-girlfriend for a long time and then because then you're gonna meet your new girlfriend like man you were so good at texting and and then you'll be like oh yeah my ex totally texted for me actually most of the time you were texting my ex yeah isn't that funny you should be in a

relationship with her i know i. I wish I was. It's not a good base. Even if it works, you're saying it's not a good foundation for the next relationship. No, I don't think so. All right. Next question. Give me another name. This is a guy.

Okay. Sam. Sam writes. Do you want to hear the context of how I came up with Sam? What was the first one? These are all like my history of texting. Oh, okay. So it was Carson Daly and then Sam is your dad?

Sam is my dad because I didn't have a cell phone. So my dad would give me his cell phone on the weekends. Oh. You little shit. So from Friday to Sunday, I had a cell phone that I could text people with. Oh. So this is very early on. I must have been like 15 years old. My friends would like call that cell phone.

So you've almost been texting for half your life. Yeah. I remember my friends would call that cell phone during the week and my dad would just pick up and yell at them. This isn't Jake's phone during the week. He almost brought it on himself, coming up with that weird system where you guys share his cell phone. And then you would pick it up when his friends would call on Saturday.

This isn't Sam's phone on the weekend. It's a mistress. I'm just joking, obviously. He would never do that. think my dad my dad already fucking my dad tried to cheat on my mom gold he struck gold with my mother and that and lightning doesn't strike gold twice yeah if uh if you know if you catch my drift which you shouldn't because that sentence doesn't make any sense he struck gold but lightning doesn't strike gold twice you know what i'm saying there yeah i just think like yeah no he he he pulled a rabbit out of his ass with my mother and he can't that's not something

that you can that's not something you're gonna fuck with that's not something you could even do again yeah you can't duplicate that it is funny to lovingly refer to your mom as an ass rabbit. Love you, mommy. Sam Hurwitz writes, Hey guys, I just started out on Tinder and after an hour or so I matched with this beautiful girl. I gave her my number and we texted for two minutes. Then, no response. We mentioned getting coffee, so I waited two hours and I told her

I was free. Still nothing. I waited two hours later and asked if she had plans. I guess in my excitement of this match, I sent three dreaded texts. Then to add, I accidentally found her on OkCupid and checked to see if it was her. And it was, so I messaged her on that because she sees who visits her profile. Anyway, what did I do wrong and how can I fix it? Did I seem too forward?

Should I wait a week and then text her again? Call her? I'm freaking out and I don't want to lose this dime. Love, Sam. Call her text her again call her i'm freaking out and i don't want to lose this dime love sam call her you gotta call her if she if you messaged her three times and she didn't respond i fear you hit her up on ok cupid and she didn't respond i think a call just a call is in order yeah and if she doesn't answer leave a voicemail leave another voicemail call again and then i feel like between the the number the profile and the okay cupid stuff you can triangulate her actual location show up uh show up outside of her house and then kill yourself in front of her i feel like that's the path we're going down right i know i'd hate to extrapolate too much but i feel

like that's what's going down um you do you're you're running the risk of uh you know being flagged for a restraining order i think unfortunately yeah you're being a psychopath you have to you have to not you're harassing her i sorry. It's hard to say don't read into it too much, but if someone doesn't respond to a single text, is that game over? Can a girl be interested in me, and I text her, and she doesn't respond? I feel like it's reading so much into it,

but it's true, isn't it? She gets the text, and she decides not to respond? Yeah. I think if you... Like if a girl texted me, and I wasn't interested, and I didn't respond that's i fear game over forever it's not forever this is how you should have played it so i'm going to give you advice that you can't follow but you can follow going forward she doesn't respond to

one text stop just don't do anything and then wait a day or two and then text her again you just sort of recharge reboot the conversation act like the last text never even happened. Oh, I see. So you have to wait. Exactly. You just let it reset. Right. You let it reset.

And how long does that reset take? I think a day or two. But you don't, you don't, you don't. Three texts in a row, then contacts her on something. You already had her number. Why revert to OKCupid? Oh, you're saying that's a de-evolution. But it's like this creepy thing where you're standing in the foyer of her house.

That's having her number. You're standing in the foyer, and she goes to another room, and you're waiting. And what you're supposed to do is just wait in the foyer. And what he's instead done is you call to her. You're in the foyer. You're in the foyer. You're in the house. It's okay.

You call to her. She doesn't respond. He calls to her louder. She didn't respond. And then you start to walk around the downstairs and she's like, now she's taken to hiding because she doesn't know what to do.

You're still in the foyer, but for some reason you exited the house, climbed up a trellis, and you broke in through the attic. You're being creepy so what's what's the what's the at this point the police are coming to this house you you have to vacate yeah you have to start over the house needs to burn down to the ground so if you match with someone on tinder and move it to text best best course of action. Play it cool. Yeah, you have the number.

And you're saying text only when texted back? I'm saying you text. All right. I guess what I'm saying is. Or you don't have to have said it already. What's your general advice? Text. My general advice for what?

Texting a match on Tinder? Yeah. Just be friendly and have fun and make jokes but but never send two in a row always wait to respond always respond two in a row is fine just like you don't want to like ask a question have her not respond and then like ask more questions because then she's like oh this guy is like not taking a hint right i think people are almost testing like can they take a hint? Yes, they can take a hint. So I can keep on going because when I'm done, they can take a hint.

It's a creepy test for a lady. It's like, let me see. Hey, what happens if I don't respond to this guy for a couple hours? And you failed. You freaked out. You told us you were freaking out. What do I do? I'm freaking out. You shouldn't have freaked out you you told us you were freaking out what do i do i'm freaking out

you shouldn't have freaked out uh i like the logic that he has in his email which is uh i accidentally found her on ok cupid and checked to see if it was her and it was so i messaged her because she sees who visits her profile you accidentally check to see if she was on ok cupid and then when you realize that she saw that you saw her profile you messaged her because she would see who visited her so like in your brain she saw that you visited and you're like I had to message at that point

no you did not oh shit I'm in her profile hey just checking to see if it was you waiting on your text from Tinder dope cool go get em tiger so we're being a little mean but it's hopefully a necessary Waiting on your text from Tinder. Dope. Cool. Go get them, Tiger. So we're being a little mean, but it's hopefully a necessary cold, what is it? Cold comfort?

Harsh? Tough love. Tough love. Yeah. It's cold comfort I like. And tough love. It's cold comfort, tough love, and coy direction. You know what it helps is to have more than one girl.

Yeah, because then all your eggs aren't in one basket. You want to have lots of different eggs. You can only have so much of your pie charts. If you have 100% to one girl or one other person, one thing that gets you excited, then you put too much emotional stock in it. You want to spread it around. One goes away, that's okay.

You still got 60% of your stuff in something else. Can I paint a little picture here? Sure. Do you mind if we pause the podcast and I get an easel? What? I want to paint a picture. On an easel, not even a canvas. You want to paint the easel.

Just the easel. So I'm going to paint this picture. All your eggs in one basket. You don't even want to paint the easel. Just the easel. Yeah. So I'm going to paint this picture. You want to, you know, all your eggs in one basket. You don't even want to have one type of egg. Oh. I'm saying grade A, brown, farmer's market. That's a good egg. Farm fresh.

That's a delicious egg. That's the kind of egg you break in your hand and you can hold the yolk. Okay? That's your prize egg. Okay. Then guess what? We got some little eggs I picked up at 7-Eleven. We have like a cracked egg on the ground the other day.

We've got just an egg shell that for whatever reason you're saving. Or what about my mini carton of egg white onlys? Mini carton, egg white only. You've got a Cadbury egg. You've got a little chocolate egg over there. Even an ovary. That's your sugar rush. A woman's ovary.

Okay. Just that kind of egg it you're a sociopath you got a lot of different eggs so i want to like the quality this girl i understand she might be the farm fresh egg that might have that might have been the egg still warm from that rooster's ass oh my god oh roosters don't play eggs right i don't know how this shit works but so you you can't freak you have to like have these other eggs that you don't give a this shit works but so you you can't freak you have to like have these other eggs that you don't give a shit about so when the farm fresh egg comes comes out you know how to take care of it you know how to hatch that into a delicious little chicken or you know how to

cook that into a perfect little omelet oh which one is sex um sex is the omelet sex is well sex is sort of enjoying a a perfectly poached egg oh yeah or a quiche really a nice quiche a nice quiche or a frittata almost that's a frittata with a little meat in it you know what i'm talking about i'm talking about your sausage dude this is your text advice i want to make a frittata with a little bit of but unfortunately you dropped this egg on the ground and it was the one you wanted to eat more than anything yeah but that's okay there'll be other eggs there are always other eggs yeah there's so many plenty of eggs in the sea bud yeah don't you worry yeah what are those eggs doing there i'm afraid of what happened that got eggs into the sea, bud. Yeah. Don't you worry. Yeah. What are those eggs doing there? I'm afraid of what happened

that got eggs into the ocean. Oh, caviar. All right. Next question. Yes. Hey, guys. Oh, shit. We need a name.

Is it a guy or a girl? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. This could be a girl. Great. We'll call her Rebecca because that was the first girl I texted. Rebecca writes, my problem with texting are smiles and emojis. I don't know when and how many I should use.

It seems to me that sometimes a sentence... This is definitely a guy. Yeah. It seems to me that sometimes a sentence looks rude without any smile since there's no voice intonation to help express the emotions. What do you usually do? Also, do you use the old style of colon parenthesis smiles or do you use the new iPhone emojis?

Very toadah to you guys. Love, Rebecca. I could write a fucking book on emojis. Yeah. I'm serious. And it would be written in emojis. Uh-huh. The title would be eggplant, smiley face, handgun, and then the word cool in a square.

And then the money flying away. Always the money flying away. You're pro emoji. Very. As a rule. It's fun. It's friendly. It's like a challenge.

When somebody does a group of good emojis you're like i want to search through my emojis and respond it's actually this is slightly unrelated but it's it's this is unsolicited tinder advice oh shit remember uh well let's let's not give it away for free we have a website now oh yeah pay me for it uh this episode is brought to you by textjake.com. Continue. Do you want the unsolicited Tinder advice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we say it this way?

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Do it. I tried this on you, and it worked. And I haven't tried it a bunch, but I know it would work. You tried it for me, you mean. Yeah. I tried it on you.

Yeah, when you matched on Tinder. I wrote, hola, like, hola, Sarah, como esta? Yeah. And she wrote back in Spanish because everybody likes to fucking showcase that. You're like, you say something in Spanish. They're like, oh, I can respond in Spanish. And I will. Yeah.

There's no chance. I don't think there's any chance somebody ignores that. Totally. Okay. So great, great opening line is a spanish spanish just unless you're spanish then french and that's it it doesn't go to any other layers than that so what does emoji and also if you match with somebody who's very who's a hispanic looking it might be racist yeah so don't tread lightly um but i just think hola como esta every time they'll respond

and then the emoji where does that fit in alright so emojis is similar you write emojis it sort of inspires somebody to be like I want to do that too I want to make an emoji joke I want to find a silly emoji to share oh that's good so that's a good way to like

flirt and you can get pretty clever with your emojis. I think so. Yeah, you can make little rebuses almost. What's a rebus? Like a pictograph. Like when you said, try to top that, but you did a top hat. Oh.

So it's like, try to, and then a top hat. And it's like, you almost have to solve it like a puzzle. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Very fun. Yeah. And all I'll say is don't use the semicolon smiley face emoji a lot. But it is a nice.

It's nice. Definitely, it's nice. And the winky's nice. It's good to be retro, to be throwback. I wouldn't use it every single line. There's other ways to develop or to show your intonation. Yeah, there's the bigger picture of how to, like, when to use exclamation point, when to use dot, dot, dot. Like, these are, like, little ways to add frosting to the cake of your sentence.

Just, like, lots of extra letters. You know, people are like, oh, okay, period. Just looks like you're like, hey, let's meet at the bar at six. Okay, period. Right. Oh, shit.

Would 6.30 be better? Yeah. I said six was okay. But like, no, you can't just be like, okay, period. Yeah. We don't live in that society. We're all too insecure.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to say it. The time has passed. Sorry, grandfather. This is why you'll never text. society we're all too insecure i'm sorry i'm sorry to say at the time has passed sorry grandfather this is why you'll never text but if uh if you write the letters o and then k and then an exclamation point it's the same word it is the same word okay exclamation point okay kkkkkk exclamation point i would say fuck okay you never need to it. Let's meet at the bar at six. Perfect, period. Yes, period. That is friendly.

It's good. It's fun. Okay, smiley face is ugly. Forget it. So you're getting rid of okays. Yeah. Okay is dead. What about fine?

Sure? No. Never. If it's okay, then it's perfect. Yeah. If it's perfect, then that's perfect. Yeah. If it's perfect, then that's... Perfect is not okay. Okay is not okay, and perfect is perfect.

Yeah. Or like if you would... Like if six is okay, and you want it to be seven, if seven would be perfect, right? Seven would be perfect. Oh. Always make it perfect. Don't settle for okay. I should...

Motivational speaker. Always be perfect. Don't settle for okay. I should be a motivational speaker. Always be perfect. Don't settle for okay. Then I just go back behind the stage and cry. Nothing is okay. Periods are also pretty bad, right? Ending a sentence in a period. Yeah, I don't like periods. Periods are a little final. A little somber. A little morose. Let's take a break.

We have nothing to say but to, I guess, let people know once again, if you're joining us, textjake.com is live. It's available to you if you want it. And we also have a live podcast coming up in Los Angeles. November 13th? November 13th. We've sold out about half our tickets, but there's still another half still available. So please.

Do it, do it, do it. You got to come. Grab it while it's hot. It's always a fun time. It is. And it's extra fun when there are more people there. You want to know what would be cool? If we started like a big whiskey thing, right?

Because we drink whiskey on the stage. Sure. I say everybody in the crowd should have whiskey as well oh sort of like how the man show had everybody with like big beer mugs yeah like the ziggy i want like everybody in in the audience holding up a whiskey when i cheers oh that's good so so everybody order bullet bourbon on the rocks it's on you you the listener yeah to do that obviously we can't afford a drink for everybody in attendance no i'll have one i'll have one up on the stage and we'll be cheersing we'll be very toda very toda together that's the key um don't we have other shows i don't do we have one in vermont

we have one in middlebury college but it's available only to students but i think if you're passionate enough and you live in vermont you can find a way yeah if it's if you are true to your heart and you know for a fact you really want to make it happen i think for for for us you can make it there i don't think there's ever been somebody who tried to go to a show like that and couldn't right like sorry students only hit the road yeah because if if that happens if you buy a ticket you show up and they're like you don't have a student id then i'll just come out and put you on my list and you'll be fine. Yeah. What do you mean I put you on your list?

I'll just be like, this guy's with me. He's my plus one. Sorry, sir. You can't come in. He's a student. All right. Then I can't do the show. Whoa.

All right. Let's not overreact. Amir, can you do the show by yourself? Absolutely, I think I can. What? You and the non-student are out. Fine. Just me and this student.

We're going to a bar. Bullet bourbon on the rocks, baby. It's on you. All right. can what you you and the non-student are just me and this student we're going to a bar bullet bourbon on the rocks baby it's on you uh all right should we get to our last last question final one let's do this the final something um yeah another dude who doesn't quite know how to text. Okay, well, let's do Micah, the last guy to text me. My brother. Micah. Young Michael.

Right. Hey, JNA, long-time listener, first-time emailer. I recently gotten back into contact with a friend that I had when I was younger. She's beautiful, intelligent, funny, and we have an incredible amount in common, personality-wise. I've absolutely fallen for her. This is where the problem sets in. When we first started talking again, we had a lot to catch up on, but now it's hard to find something we haven't previously discussed. We haven't even had a whole lot of life experience to talk about, me being 19, her being 20, but since she's currently studying at a far university, we're unable to hang out in person,

which, in my opinion, is where I excel communicatively. So, finally, my question for you, Casanovas, is how can I keep up a texting conversation with this girl without rehashing old topics? I love Jake's previous advice of being the solace of her boring day, and if you guys can share similar tidbits of information, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much, Micah. Young one. Yeah. Do you understand this thing where it's like, okay, we've caught up completely. We can no longer talk about old things. We have to come up with new things to talk about now. Yeah, I understand this moment

of panic because catching up is easy. How's this? How's this? Oh, oh, this is so fun. And then you're done. What's next? But once you get over this hump, it's going to be better. It's going to be beautiful. You don't want to dwell on the past. Live in the now. Look forward to the future. Remember your past. It is what shaped you. Visit the past, but don't live there. Live in the now. Look to the future. Recall the past. You can go back there. We're losing it. The past is nice.

Let's talk about the past. I love the past. The past. The past. The past. How is this? How is this? Remember when we did this?

But now. Look at the now. Look into the now, but look beyond to the future. And when you're in the future, you'll look back on the now, and you'll smile, and you won't even remember the past. And in the future, the future will be the now and you'll smile and you won't even remember the past and in the future the future will be the now and you'll be looking forward to the present and the future and the past is what made you awful so convoluted somebody has to write that down yeah could someone write it down i want it to be the forward of my book just uh crazy man's rambling that's the forward of the book and the rest is all emojis oh yeah so it's still called eggplant handgun smiley face it's just the forward is past forward by insane

man uh can you or what do you do this is kind of like the same situation when you have a lady friend and you guys text all day and then you talk at night and you're like uh i've told you everything now we have to talk about things that didn't just happen well this is how you move forward because i think right now this guy is listening to my old advice being the solace of her boring day you know your bright spot very cute she's like ah my day was long and, and I'm looking to you to make me smile and laugh. Yeah. Now you need to be a pillar of strength, the support. So from solace of boring to pillar of strength.

Yes. So she's going to look for you, not for a laugh, but for validation. Like, how was this class? It was really hard. I don't know if I'm good at it. No, your teacher is dumb. You're smart. You say these things that inspire me and I can see that you are a beautiful person.

And then she's like, wow, you are validating to me when I feel low. I will look to you for strength. You are my pillar of strength. And I don't mean in the sense that she's weak and she needs you but she will feel emboldened by your genuine love for her okay it is beautiful so at first you you're it's a it's a flirtatious thing you you get this you get your text and you see this person's name on your phone you're like yeah that's what i that's what excites me she texted me this person or this guy texted me i like seeing her the phone on the lock screen that's like a nice little cheap thrill i like it because it makes me happy and and laugh

then you become you delve deeper like a sperm entering an egg you become not only just like a added bonus in her life but something that she actually almost borderline needs to hold up now she's looking towards you, not just for the frosting, but the cake itself. Yes. You need to actually provide her with some nutrients. I think of it as a tree. Right.

Okay. So at first you're just... The seedling is fun. It's cute. You're watering it. You might be like eating some berries off the branches. They're not poisonous. They're actually pretty tasty.

But is this tree going to stand the test of time? Only if you nurture it. Only if you allow it to grow by giving it love and all the things that it needs uh is there anything to asking like being the first person to like uh being the one who looks for her to be your pillar of strength like maybe you say to her, hey, I have this problem. Yeah. Whether that's real or otherwise. I think it definitely works both ways

because otherwise you're just some sort of weird therapist who doesn't open up or share anything. It's a relationship. So you have to be vulnerable too and see how she reacts to that. That's the first step in the text thing is like when things get serious because at first it's so light-hearted and flirty and once you get back past that stage we're like hey can i ask you like can i ask you something or just like saying that you're just like oh shit's getting real like can i tell you something really be done over text

i think texting should always be like pretty flirty and fun yeah but sometimes you're gonna need to say things that are genuine and true. To get a little bit real. Yeah. But I wouldn't ever be insecure and sad over text. No, not to. To be like, hey, you said this earlier and it really bothered me. Right.

It's almost good to bring up other problems. Hey, can I ask you your opinion on something? Can I do this? Because then it's like, oh, I value your mind. Exactly. Hey, can I value your mind on this? And then that's great because it allows, that's a very good point. Good.

You want to let everybody feel like a superhero and you want to be someone's superhero too. So you're like, oh shit, I had such a bad day and somebody needs to say something nice to lift me up. Right. And then she rises to the occasion. She is superhero to you she makes you feel better you feel good she feels good because she made you feel good and then when it's her turn it's like taking care of somebody when they're sick you know when when i'm sick you'll be waiting on me but when you're sick i'll be waiting on you too you take care of each other. That's beautiful. It really is. So is there anything?

You look to the future. You live in the now and you remember the past. That's what they do. So here's my tip for him. What could he say? He should, instead of just bringing up old stuff, let her in on a problem that he's having. Emotional dilemma. If it's not there, make one up.

There you go. How's that? That's very good how's that for devious i like that so saying oh can i ask can i ask your opinion on something can i uh pick your brain for a moment then she feels like oh he values me as more than just a flirtatious partner but as an intelligent advice crazy not like you know my my dad hits my sister. No. Maybe, but my mom hits my brother. My mom hits my dad. You could still talk about familial abuse.

And also, I'll just mention one other thing. If you're afraid of getting that deep right now, if you want to build to that even slower, something that's always fun is, since you've talked about about the past talk about things that you're looking forward to like a fake making up a fake trip like one day let's go to the rainforest or whatever oh yeah you you get into that yeah that's always fun you're like one day we're gonna take this road trip down the coast or down all the all from the, from Buenos Aires to Patagonia. Yeah. Okay. And then you start,

and then it's fun. Cause you can just like Google image, search these exotic locations, screenshot them and send them to her. It's all thoughtful. And you're building an image together, right? A fantasy together.

Exactly. Build a fantasy together is always, is always fun. Cause then she'll see like, she'll see something and she'll be like oh that reminds me of this like fake life that we've envisioned and here it is and then she's looking forward to it and romanticizing this time that she could be spending with you and then one day she'll find something like in a library and send you a picture and it's like oh

man now i'm making her think about me when she's just out and about in the wild and that's the ultimate the ultimate yeah when you're getting unrequited texts yeah you've inceptioned her to the point it sounds so devious but it's very kind yeah because he likes her right it's devious when you have no interest in her yeah if you do this just as a weird social experiment we We don't recommend that. Right. If your intentions are pure, if your heart is pure. But how do you get into that? How do you get into the, hey, you want to take a trip? That seems like a little out of the blue. Well, you know what?

You got to know what she likes. She's like, oh, I love whales. Yeah. For instance. I don't know. Right. Who the fuck likes whales? Whalers, of course.

All right. No, I'm just kidding. If she likes whales, then you like, you know. All right, no, I'm just kidding. If she likes whales, then you're like, you know, hey, there's a whale-watching trip in Antarctica. And then you start, whatever. It's just like, pinpoint something she likes, heighten it to an extreme version of what a rich,

a zealous billionaire would do. And then there you go. And watch the emotional rewards just pour on down. Boom, baby. If you guys have your own questions, please email us at ifIwereyoushowatgmail.com. If you want Jake Hurwitz's specific, detailed expertise on a text message conversation that you're having in your life. Once again, textjake.com, open for business. You excited? You like these? You like waking up and having a bunch of text message conversations to go through? Is it good of you? Howdy. It's your happy place. So thanks so much, guys. We couldn't have done it without you. Your emails inspire us and embolden us to create these businesses that may be completely built to fail.

It's absolutely unscalable. It's unreasonable. We're capping our messages because we can't even afford to become more successful than the limited capabilities that we have. There's only one Jake, unfortunately. So get in it beforeake decides to give up forever uh yeah that's it that's our time the uh if you still have opening theme songs or facebook thumbnail submissions the email address is always the same if i read show at gmail.com thanks to camilo for writing the opening theme song and as for the closing theme song well

let's just say thank you to ah i never look in time oh jordan in australia who wrote a true detective parody for us what that's pretty chill yeah let's hear it uh i'm gonna go listen to booty in your face booty in my face exactly all right cool see you guys bye Thank you. and a mirror they soon advise them all when you're put on glass they'll bring you to your knees you can

either walk away or stand strong and seize the cheese When you're stuck in a tight spot and you can't see no escape Just run into Jake and I'm here and they'll decide your fate So if I were you, I'd listen really hard. Because when it comes to true advice, there'd be sin that regards. I'm going to bed. Hear Adam and Dr. Drew do a classic love line from the 90s. Yes! Then do yourself a favor and get to podcastone.com right now. That's podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's,

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