Segments - 113: Bad Skin (with Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

Comedian and friend Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss discuss acne, trinkets, and communes. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, MeUndies, and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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NatureBox so much. If you do get NatureBox, forward us that receipt at ifireyoushow at gmail.com, and we'll give you a shout-out next time we plug NatureBox. We've been doing it since day one, so thank you to the last chunk of people that have ordered from NatureBox for us. That's Paul G., Adam D., Vanessa B., Maya K., Wesley L., Brock B., Alan V., Eitan G., Samantha B., and Dale R. So thanks, guys, and thanks to all of you who probably purchased and were too afraid to send it in. So I'll just make some random guesses. Thanks Max C and Dragon Ball Z for also ordering it and being so modest that you didn't necessarily need a shout out, but I gave it to you anyway. Guys, naturebox.com, great for yourself and a great gift for somebody else in your life. And real quick before we start this episode, I wanted to say two quick things. One,

we have a live show coming up November 13th at the Hollywood Improv. Tickets are getting towards sold out but aren't sold out yet. It's such a fun time if you live within a, let's say, 200-mile radius of Hollywoodland, California. It would be awesome to see you there. It's always a fun time, and the more, the merrier. Again, it's at the Hollywood Improv, Thursday, November 13th, I think at 8 p.m. Though check our website for more info. And also, thank you to everyone who's checked out, used, and spread the word so far about textjake.com. If you guys haven't known or don't know about it yet, textjake.com is our texting Casanova site. It allows Jake to make text message suggestions for you. We launched it basically last

week and Jake has responded to probably close to 200 messages for people. And the questions are so sincere and fun. And some people are like, how do I get this person to like me? And some of them are like, how do I get this person to leave me? Or what's a funny response to this and that and the other? And Jake's been taking it very, very seriously. And he's been having a great time doing it. And it's been fun for all. So thanks for checking it out. If you haven't so far, that's textjake.com.

Text like the word text. And Jake like his name. So it makes, the domain name makes sense at the very least. All right, let's get started. Very funny episode. We laughed a lot because John Gabrus is on it, and he's really funny. Things got real. Enjoy. Toe-daw-bye.

Saturday morning, I flip through my phone just to see what's Gucci. Tinder's my game. I use a fake name just to get some coochie pull up my pants and nice laundry socks and the new me undies i just want a snack from her nature box she's a real life cutie in her profile pic swipe right swipe right cause i need to know gotta earn this booty Better make it quick She's a ten cent piece And a goddamn smoke show

Won't you tell me what to do I'm the show if I were you Maybe I'm a douchebag too I'm gonna email him anyway Wow. That's my favorite one. That's my favorite one ever, I think. Dan W. and Maria W.

God, that song's catchy. Gabrus, what'd you think? I truly enjoyed this. That was a solid parody. I'm assuming because I don't know anything about pop music. But I'm glad that Dan and his wife and or sister, or someone who also has a last name, just starts with a W,

are working together to make stuff like that yeah we're happy for them we start every episode with a theme song made by our fans uh sometimes they're parody songs have you ever heard that the rude why you gotta be so rude yeah i do know did these people know that that's your favorite song that's not my favorite song busted how dare you it's my second favorite song my favorite song is jason oh no that your favorite one is um is um is um is um i know it i know it i know it you made my favorite current song or all time my favorite your favorite current song well i mean i think your favorite current song is probably like that kendrick song maybe or like an m&m song yeah i

feel like i'm watching a husband dig himself deeper with his wife. I'll get this. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, no, no, no, no. Your favorite, our first dance was, no, no, no, no, no. I got this. I got this. You like this song?

You like this? Well, my favorite song is our song. And I know it's your favorite because it's mine. I just have to think about what mine was. And what song

are you thinking of? Are you thinking of a specific song or just in general? Why don't you just come clean and help him out here? I don't know what he's thinking. Are you thinking of that Let Her Go song? That Let Her Go song by Passenger, the guy who sings with a guitar?

Oh, not that song. The rap song by The World? Did you just describe someone as the guy who sings with a guitar? That's just called music. I knew exactly what he was talking about. That's how much time we spend together. You know the song with the guy with the guitar? Oh, yeah.

That's a Patrick song. That's not the one I'm thinking of. You're touching your chord again. Fuck. I'm sorry. It's okay. I wasn't touching it on purpose. That was just...

I know. It was just happening. And I didn't think you were touching it on purpose. And I... I just wish we wouldn't have to do this every time. Okay. I'm sorry. Fuck.

What is that song? It's going to kill me. The song that i like yeah is it a rap song it's sort of like a pop song that's a lot like why you gotta be so rude oh um is it all about the bass all about that is good i like bang bang no it's not what's how's bang bang go it's like bang not that one is it am i by the way oh yeah am i wrong am i Nico and Vince? Yes, that's it. That's exactly what it is. That's a good one, too.

So, John Gabrus. I thought I was just here to counsel you two. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. How would our fans know who you are? Your fans might know me as I've been in a bunch of college humor videos. Yeah.

Or if your fans also unplug from jake and amir and watch television why i know exactly that if they enjoy things on a bigger screen they might know me from guy code on mtv and assorted other comedy podcasts and live performances when people at the ucb and the ucb theater and otherwise so if people stop you on the street what's the number can you tell what they know you from based on what they look like yeah if they're black they know me from guy and if they're like uh white like hipsters they know me from ucb shows right yeah but if they're black and i what if they're a black hipster um if they're a black hipster they don't know who the hell i am

if they're a black hipster they know me know who the hell I am if they're a black hipster they know me from my Cornel West documentary that I made it used to be really it was funny for a while I'd be walking down the street and I'd see two young black dudes walking up to me and I'd be like oh fuck I'm in trouble now and they're like what's up

and I'm like hey and they're like Guy Code and I'm like yeah yeah that's me and that's going to be the first thing I do if I'm like, hey. And they're like, Guy Code. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's me. And that's going to be the first thing I do if I'm ever in a sketchy situation. I'm going to be like, yo, you watch Guy Code? Before I give you my wallet. You watch Guy Code? Now I'm just being truly racist.

We've stopped straddling the line. Do you go to UCB? Don't take my wallet? You ever been to UCB? Jake and Amir's fans might know me as the racist person. From the podcast. So this is an advice podcast. I don't know if you've ever listened to it,

but basically people email us at ifireashowatgmail.com and they're asking for our advice. And we read a couple of their emails and try to advise them out of it. Sometimes it's just me and Jake, and sometimes we have our funniest friends join us. Oh, okay, cool. So you, by episode 113, you found out. All right, well, I guess it's time to bring in Gabri. A, okay, cool. So you, by episode 113, you found, all right, well, I guess it's time

to bring in Gabrish. A really old phone book. Yeah, we've already had Gurwitch five times. It's time to fucking, now I feel bad if he's never done it.

We don't live in the same city as him, so it's hard. We can't do Skype. Well, we did it in New York for a couple months. All right,

that's quite enough. We'll edit all this out. Just a beep, though, not even cutting it. Just bleeping Gurwitch's name. 30 seconds of beeps. We should just bleep Hurd. We never beeped Gurwitch. Bleep Gurwitch?

We never bleeped Gurwitch. All right, should we get to some of these questions? These are real emails, but we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Can you help us out there? Just every time I ask you for a fake name, you can do whatever you want. This is just a 20-year-old student who's been courting a girl. Okay. Campus Nova.

That's really good. Campus Nova, like Casanova. Yeah. Oh! I didn't even think of that. All right. Shut up, everybody. That's the name of my new movie.

I just sold a goddamn pitch in the room. Do you realize how hard that is to do? Really? It's Zac Efron and Olivia Newton-John. Oh, my God. She plays his mother, of course. Oh, no. She plays the teacher.

Those are Amir's two favorite actors. Olivia Newton-John and Zac Efron are nobody's two favorite actors. I love you, Newton, John, and Zac Efron are nobody's two favorite actors. Nobody likes them two the most.

I love you, Newton, John, and I love that Zac Efron. That's really all the actors that I care about. How old am I? I have no idea.

I'm 15 going on 49. That was like my idea of a Harold and Maude reboot about an old guy and a young girl. But the old guy is played by the young guy in Harold and Maude. Now he's an old guy and he likes a young girl. And then every 40 years they can redo the movie. That's a money-making machine.

After like 160 years, you'll have some serious cheddar stacked up. By then we'll all be living until age 280. All right. So Campus Nova writes, I'll try to keep this short, sweet, and boxer brief. I've been blessed since birth with very clean skin. While my skin is horrifyingly white, I've never had acne and I've never so much have had more than two pimples on my face at the same time.

I'm a 20-year-old student who has been recently courting this girl and things have been going great. And I think I'd like to go steady with her. Here's where things get sticky, or should I say greasy. This girl is hot. I'm talking a straight-up nickel with a couple pennies. But she has very poor skin on her face, and it's very oily and greasy. After a week or so of hooking up, I woke up with what can only be described as a pimple goatee.

I'm not so insecure that I can't handle a few pimples here and there, but by dating this girl, will I also inherit her bad skin? I'm not in a position to tell her about it because we aren't that close yet. And I know what you're thinking. I know I can't pull the Jake fade away and slowly not talk to her because we sit next to each other in every class. Should I just go with it? Should I say something to her? Should I just take better care of my own skin? i being a diva i'd like to make it clear that i don't mind her imperfections but question if it's worth my piece of pizza face thanks help me please love campus nova now is that chock full of inside jake and amir references maybe so yeah yeah because jake fade away yeah the jake fade away a nickel and two i feel like i've listened

to a couple of things i hear dime piece yeah it was also mentioned in the song oh yeah um yeah so that's really weird it's like their own lexicon you just amir writes all these himself i mean he has a shit ton of questions the next email just question up the next email is not even in english it's just a different language you've developed all right anyway john what do you think uh i didn't hear anything of that uh so well what what initial reactions do you have to that email my initial and i feel like this is always going to be my initial reaction but i'll just say it for the first question while i'm on the plane is relax yeah it's always going to be relaxed johnny says relax yeah that's great like my t-shirt says literally every question that is all encompassing yeah let's just get that out at the top i'm gonna not say it every time but just going

forward the answer is always just relax you know what i mean you're 20 she's not gonna be your wife or if she is you'll tolerate like but if you're getting pussy like who cares if she's got some acne if you're okay with her having the acne, like you clearly are, because apparently you've been hooking up for a bit, then be okay with getting a little shit on your face. You know what I mean? Is acne contagious like that? I think it's the oil getting from her skin to his. Do they have like a menage a trois with a slice of like artichoke pizza?

Because how the fuck are they getting... How much oil can you transfer from face to face? I don't even like so grease yeah he'll kiss her and just pull away shiny like he had just submerged into a deep fryer almost yeah i mean i've gone through i've gone through way worse just to get hooked you know hook up with a chick so i think fucking a little acne on the chin is no big deal that were way more contagious i know yeah yeah yeah you wait till you got the greasy balls that's gonna be the situation when you've got the discharge you're gonna be yeah you're gonna be you're gonna be hoping for a pimple go yeah talk to me when you got discharged i'll still tell you to relax when you're like i now i have pimples all over my pubic area those ones aren't going away

and then they're also some not pimples but lesions almost inside the urethra. I can't see, but I can feel. Your standards were so low. My hair has been falling out in clumps, but I've got to do something about my chin pimples. But she's so hot. I say maybe also after you hook up, if this is a steady thing or before you hook up, maybe just without saying anything to her, just be like, oh, hold on. I got to go wash my face.

Oh, yeah. Just set that like that's a thing. I'm going to go to the bathroom. You can just say that. Yeah. But if you say I'm going to go wash my face and just be like, it's just what I do at night, you know, maybe that sets a little precedent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like this – people with bad skin often – I feel like she must be hyper aware of her bad skin.

Yeah, yeah. She's probably trying to take care of it. A 20-year-old girl with bad skin is aware that she has bad skin often... I feel like she must be hyper aware of her bad skin. Yeah, yeah. She's probably trying to take care of it. A 20-year-old girl with bad skin is aware that she has bad skin. She's not like, oh, I didn't even notice I had these zits. We should tell her to relax, because wherever she is, she's stressed about her pimples. She's freaking the fuck out. And there's about, however many girl listeners you have,

every one of them thinks this is them, by the way. They're like, fuck, it's me. They know, they know. Especially if she's hot, then she knows she has bad skin. If it's not like her top... If she's like a monster, it's not they know they know especially if she's if she's hot then she knows she has bad skin like if she if it's not like her top if she's like a monster it's not gonna be on the top of her list her worst nightmare is like this guy emailing me like i think i'm catching her bad skin yeah like that's literally her biggest her bits are her zits are so bad they're spreading to my face they're jumping off of her chin and onto mine. But that also could be, I don't know how much Campus Nova hooks up,

but just in general, if you never really hook up with, like just a lot of facial contact with anyone, whether they have pimples or not or greasy skin or not, you're just opening yourself up to it. You're exchanging oils. You're exchanging oils no matter who it is or if you're going down there. Your face is just touching all new things it hasn't touched of course mucus oh that's cool so maybe it's he's developing uh uh an intolerance to her zits oh just let him fester on your face yeah and then maybe your skin will start to reject them

the only the worst way this works out is that she dumps him eventually because his skin is too bad i'm sorry you can eclipse her I can handle having a few pimples she just transfers her zits to him I'm a 10 what if his face just starts to get more pimply and hers starts to get less

yeah she's stealing she had a maximum number of zits and they're just moving they're just migrating he's like the rogue of like he's just like

slowly draining her power until it kills him the thing is I was hot when I had pimples you can't afford that yeah yeah you were on the precipice without pimples yeah you're lucky that I was hot when I had pimples You can't afford that You were on the precipice without pimples

You're lucky that I was knocked down a few pegs Now I can get someone much better than you Who's getting worse And we're not even going to talk about The dangerous situation that it is To be hooking up with a girl who you sit next to In every class That's not a good idea

First of all How do you end up in every class Unless Yeah, that's true. That's not a good idea. No, that is like, first of all, how do you end up in the same class, every class, unless you're both just like aquatic engineers or some super specific major. College has assigned seats. Yeah, and you're just sitting next to the, the girl you hook up with is the girl you sit next to in every class. That's a bad idea. That is, that's a nightmare in and of itself.

It stresses them out a little bit too. And like, don't just tell me to stop talking to her because I can't. Yeah. I sit next to her in every class. I can't ever stop talking to her. Ever again. There'll be a new semester. We just opened a law firm together. Oh shit. Don't tell me to

stop talking to her. She's my wife. I can't do the Jake Hurwitz wife fadeaway. Oh, I faded away from a nine year relationship. Faded away from the wife the kids yeah i just stopped coming back slow and slow oh daddy didn't pick you up today daddy didn't pick you up today i'll pick you up today but then not the next three days and then all of a sudden daddy never has to pick anybody up because daddy's picking up other kids now daddy ghost that's

funny you're cheating on your family but by doing responsibilities for another person. Yeah, you just... Are you fucking here? I'm just picking up her kids. Just like meet a new woman who has a whole new family and you just move on. It's called the switch. It's a perfect seamless switch. Oh, like the homey hop.

Except the wife hop. Yeah, the home hop. The family hop. The home hop. The home hop. That's it. That's my other movie that we're working on. Homey hop is another movie I'm working on

really? yeah where black dudes just all switch friends for a day it really doesn't have that much drama it's pretty fine they actually discover that they meet new friends and people in the way so basically relax and

take better care of your own skin sounds good, wash your face yeah you might be able to set some sort of precedent if you're like, I got to go wash my face. Right. I think good behavior breeds more good behavior. Like if I'm lying in bed with somebody and they're like, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I'm like, ugh, I'll go brush my teeth too. Yeah, you don't want to be the guy that doesn't brush their teeth.

Yeah, right. Like, I'm going to wash my face. I'm like, okay, well, I don't want you to go wash your face and then come back and I'll feel extra dirty. Right. Or like when you go into the urinal with a buddy and then you're both about to leave and you're like, I guess I'll wash my hands.

I guess I'll wash my hands. You're both doing that chicken, like, are we both disgusting? You're waiting to see. The fake wash where you just run the faucet. Yeah, it doesn't matter. That's just human behavior. People are just matchers.

If I'm getting fries, I'm like, should we get cheese fries? That's cool with you. Let's get cheese fries. You if I'm getting fries, I'm like, should we get cheese fries? Like, that's cool with you. Let's get cheese fries. You just do a good version of that. Should we wash our face? Yeah, let's wash our face. Can I recommend benzoyl peroxide?

6%. Prescription straight salicylic acid. Let's sit next to each other in every class forever. Did you guys have bad skin growing up? Do you know about all this stuff? I know of it all because people talked about it, but I never guys have bad skin growing up do you know about all this stuff i know of it all because uh like people talked about it but i never really had bad skin i'm like a greasy sweaty italian but i've never had like yeah how does that pimples where's the grease go um just like you can see it now as i start sweating hair all up in here in my excuse me in my hairline and

stuff like that uh i when i played football i got pimples on my chin Because of my chin strap Like I get Like if I wear This greasy hat All day long Like and sweat in it I'll get pimples Like I can tell I spot get pimples In the most obvious places

Right But you don't have The natural The oily Jewishness That just sort of Forces its way Out of your face No

I never had that Like I had some pimples When I was in high school Like everyone else But I never had to like Yeah Go on Accutane. Oh, yeah.

My brother took Accutane. Shit was so bad. It's like a nuclear bomb in your body. I heard that it affects you mentally. A lot of teen suicide, it can be maybe loosely linked to Accutane. Yeah. It's bad. I mean, it doesn't help that if you are so far down the self-hatred that you're taking chemical-grade medicine for your face,

that might also be you're predisposed to a little bit of depression. Right. But I was the worst. I was worse than that because I was not bad enough for Accutane but too bad for everything else. So I was just stuck in the middle zone where I couldn't take pills, and then this shit would just dry me out, but I would still have zits. Oh, that's the pits. You know what else I heard?

This is a little off-topic, but i heard that people who suffer from ibsd irritable bowel syndrome uh yeah irritable bowel syndrome d means diarrhea like loose instead of ibsc which is constipation oh god people suffer from that it is uh the suicide rate is four times higher than just normal depression really is? Is that crazy? So if you have diarrhea, it's more sad than depression? Well, this is like the most extreme cases of it because you can't leave the house. Because you're so full of, like you're always embarrassing yourself because you're always like, shitting runs your life.

Shitting runs my life to a minor degree. These people are like, shitting literally predicts what they can and can't do for the rest of their life. Oh my god. I learned that from a friend who works with pharmaceutical advertising and they're working on cures for IBSD. Because it's so... If I had that, I would pay anything to be cured. Right, and if you imagine that, the ability that's like

every time you leave the house, there is a 75% chance you will release fecal matter into your pants in public. It's so sad that it's almost making diarrhea not funny. Right. It's ruining diarrhea for me.

How dare you? I used to laugh hysterically while I sneezed out of my ass. I leaky fauceted it out. Oh, rusty water. God, I thought leaky faucet was bad then he said rusty water it's the worst way i've ever diarrhea described all right let's uh it's a picture let's go to this next question this is from a lady do you have a lady's name oh that's so that's all i have is lady it's all the context um do you want to give me one because i feel like advice columns

are like okay lost in minnewaska you know yeah this girl doesn't know if she did something wrong or if her boyfriend is not being nice to her oh suspect number zero suspect number zero you had that before i said anything no i just when you said thought she did something wrong i was like i panicked all right here we go. IBSD. Suspect number zero writes, Hey, I was a late bloomer and I got into my very first serious relationship with my current boyfriend just over a year ago when I was 24. We are both still in school, live at home, work during the week, and live about an hour away from each other. For the most part, our weekly date nights and one-night weekend sleepovers work for me. But as I was talking to a girlfriend the other day, I thought it was weird that we never spend more than one night together and haven't been on a

little vacation together. I always ask him to spend more than one night and he always has an excuse. I have also asked him to go away with me for a weekend. Nothing too extravagant, just to Yosemite or Tahoe or something nearby. And I even offered to pay for the whole trip and he still shot me down. I get sad sometimes because I feel like he doesn't feel the same way for me as I do for him. Leading me to get mad and start a fight wherein he tells me that I'm a mopey ass bitch because I don't get my way. So here's my question. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? Is it plausible that after a year together, spending a weekend together would be a reoccurring plan?

Or even to take a little weekend getaway every now and then. Since this is my first relationship, I don't know if I'm asking too much, but I feel like regardless, I'm not a mopey-ass bitch. Maybe you guys can shed some light on the situation for me. Thanks. Love, Suspect Zero. She doesn't know better because this is her first relationship. It sounds like a first relationship, right?

It sounds like a high school. It's funny because it really does sound like a high school or a college relationship outside when you don't go to school with the girl. It really feels like that. One night a week, we go on a date. One night a week, we have a sleepover. And we talk on the phone every day. But it's weird that they're 24.

They both live with their parents. So it really has like a 17 year old parallel to it right although when i was 17 i did not have the gumption to call a woman a mopey ass bitch i'm 29 and i still don't have that yeah 24 you should not be calling women you shouldn't call women a mopey ass bitch no matter how mopey assy or bitchy she is i think i feel like if you call your girlfriend a mopey ass bitch you don't get a girlfriend. Right. That makes me think. She should take herself away from him.

He's been bad. This makes me think like, now this is just jumping to the worst possible situation. He has another girlfriend. Right. So you guys have one weekly date night, one weekly sleepover, and the rest of the time he's cheating on you. Yeah, yeah. Or he's cheating on someone else with you. You are the other woman.

You are the other suspect number zero. Because why wouldn't you want to go away for one weekend? Unless he has... Now, I know we were just talking about IBS, but it's hard to stay with a girl for two days if you have diarrhea. You can only get away with it once. But even if he had diarrhea, I would say it's not okay to call her to her face a mopey ass bitch unless the diarrhea is really bad irritable yeah it makes you irritable not just your bowels but you in reality though yeah you you should just not be spoken to like that right and tell

him that he should not be speaking to you right well i mean like i think that the mopey ass bitch is for sure unacceptable but it's like the icing on this cake that's already tastes terrible. Right. Because it's like a year of her asking to spend more time, of her wanting more to give himself more into this relationship, and he's not. So that's the problem. You're like, what are you getting out of this relationship at this point? Yeah. If you're the one pushing it uphill and then you like finally are like, I want to take a vacation with you and his reaction isn't like,

I understand that you want that. It's just, you're a mopey ass bitch. Yeah. So let's do a little intellectual exercise here. Sure. Let's see if we can put ourselves in this dude's head and what would make, what would be the best, most positive reason

why he won't go on these vacations with her? That he doesn't like her that much anymore. No, no, the most positive. Yeah, that is the most positive. I was going to say the most positive is that he's afraid that it's going too fast. But one year is too long to be concerned about going too fast. Maybe the most I could give this guy, and I don't want to give him anything, is maybe he's insecure because he likes you too much.

And he's like, if you spend two days with me, you might not like me as much. I want to keep this fresh and exciting. So one date night, one sleepover, and you'll stay interested. I have a theory. Okay. He hasn't told his parents that he has a girlfriend. That could be it, too. Because it's only one night.

She said ask him to take off. Does he maybe right one day on the weekend and like he needs the money or likes his job or doesn't want to fuck like she said she paid for it this is just yeah this is just intellectual just yeah for the sake of the exercise trying to see if i could see this guy's valuable exercise because we're struggling so much to give him any right that's what i'm saying and if it's like we're actively trying to be as creatively as possible to be like why is this guy not an asshole i still feel like because i don't want to outright call this guy an asshole because we don't know his point of view but i'm trying she might be really mopey she might be really we don't know how much of a mopey is this girl i'm just the most fuck that was our advice oh shit to be fair i would never call a

girl a mopey ass bitch unless she was being like a real mopey-ass bitch. Yo, step one, less moping. Step three, less bitch. Step four, less ass. If you can imagine. I've never asked for less ass, but you need it. I think this seems like the end of a first relationship. You're ready for your second relationship.

Yeah, you might now know. That's a great point, Amir. Now you know I like to hang out with my boyfriend more than twice a designated week. Well, that's what relationships are. You're learning a little bit every single time. And by the end, you've got somebody, you know, as close to a perfect match. People will never be perfect. But, like, the perfect match for you, which is somebody who goes away on vacation and doesn't call you a mopey-ass bitch.

You're throwing out free vacations, by the way. Yeah. I think I could drive to Yosemite from California. It's not that far. It's a five-hour drive. It'd be a lovely vacation. Fuck, if he doesn't want to go to Yosemite with you, I'll go. The three of us just go on vacation with this girl.

All three of us, we realize midway through the week, she really is a mopey-ass bitch. Sheer the fuck up. I gave you Yos bitch it's so sunny she won't go on a hike she's staying in the tent just moping uh you're glum it seems like there's no good reason to call your gf a mopey ass b would you say this is grounds for termination just straight up get rid of this guy yeah i would say before because i'm i'm a fan of like adaptation like if it's new to if in the relationship's new to him too maybe he needs to know you don't talk to me like that yeah and it's important to me that you go on vacation and if you

don't think that that's important to you then we our priorities are different let's end this but maybe he just needs to be because if it's new to him too relationships in general maybe he just needs to be pointed out that compromise is a major part of it because you'd be surprised how few dudes especially and young women too right new to dating you'd be surprised how few people realize that like yeah you kind of can't just do exactly what you want to do a major part of it is like dan savage calls it the price of admission like yeah it's just like part of relationship is yeah you might not like this about that person, but if you like everything else, you deal with that part you don't like.

I like that advice. That was really sounded. We're not used to giving really sound advice on this show, so I'm kind of taking it back. I thought that's why you brought me in. I'm the 113th funniest person you know, but I also have some good advice. Oh, no, we don't have guests every episode. Oh.

Yeah, yeah yeah a lot of times so sometimes you just forego even having a guest before yeah yeah yeah sometimes we'll just take it you've done uh people who are funnier than me and nobody's several times then got around to being like we just got all right let's just get this over with i think i'm so tired of each other we needed the third person in the room it didn't matter who it was he listens to savage my favorite song uh okay so you're invited here to make me jealous yeah this is actually works i don't know uh so out it's easy for us to say just break up with this guy but that might not be the worst thing but i guess you can give him a chance and let him know that he can't call you that and then let him know that you want to go on vacation.

And if he says no to both of those things or pushes back at all and calls you a mopey A B once again then it's time to... There's plenty of more dudes out there that like vacations and don't use the B word when referring to women. You should let him go which is another... We were talking about that song.

Yeah, let her go. Is that the one with the guy who sings over music? Yeah. It was a guy. He has a voice, but it's not quite talking. Yeah, it's melodic. He has pretty bad advice in that song. You only know you love her if you let her go.

Yeah. That's not true. So you let her go. I don't think that's true. Yeah, that's kind of risky. Like, oh, I really like this dog. Let me let it go in the park park and then if it comes back to me we're meant to be all right and gone oh i did love it car just hit it oh that's upsetting

that's unideal that is less than just as i found out i loved it you're right i do love the oh man that's gonna hurt now i really loved. Now what am I to do? All right, next question. Yeah. 21-year-old guy from Connecticut. The Hartford Whaler. Without any other context to what his question is, the Hartford Whaler.

That's pretty good, actually, because he's needed advice. You call it W-A-I-L-E-R. Yeah, he's whaling. He's whaling in Hartford. That's good. Wh actually, because he's, you know, he's the advice, you call it W-A-I-L-E-R. Yeah, he's Wailing. Oh, Wailing. Wailing in Hartford. That's good. Wailing in Hartford.

Wailing in Hartford is even better, because that's more like advice columnist. I've been doing this for 113 episodes. Yeah, I know. Wailing. You brought it to my attention a couple of times. Well, technically 112 and a half. And I've been partners with Amir for like seven or eight years now. Assuming we air this episode.

Which is still up in the air. I'm a 21-year-old guy from Connecticut, and much like when I was 12 years old and discovered masturbation, I've got into a really sticky situation on my hands. A little over a year ago, my ex and I broke up. After several months of wallowing in self-pity, I finally saw the forest from the trees and noticed that the forest looked surprisingly

like a cheating whore. Fast forward to the present, where I'm in a healthy relationship with a girl so great she's more crisp than a dollar and a dime. She's more of a crisp... She's more of a crisp dollar than a dime. I didn't even read the... You're butchering his grammar. Here's the problem.

When my relationship ended, I was so bummed I never got all my stuff back that she had borrowed from me. Now, most of it was trivial stuff, a few books, trinkets and the such, but she also had a necklace, which was a gift my mother gave me, and a baby blanket I've had since birth.

I'd like my sentimental stuff back, but i don't want to deal with it or talk to that old bag ever again how do i get my shit back without ever seeing her again during that question gabrus looked at me with the funniest look on his face i'm sorry when you said baby blanket i was like oh god so basically how does he get his shit back without wailing and hartford is very fitting for this yeah he get his shit back without talking to his... Whaling in Hartford is very fitting for this joke. Yeah, he wants his blanket back. How do I get my whoopee back? You know how?

You grow the fuck up. You don't want it back, bitch. First of all... Yo, this guy's being a mopey-ass bitch. He is. You're being a mopey-ass bitch. Now I get it. I've got some layers here.

A, why do you still have your baby blanket? B, how does your girlfriend end up with it? C. Why do you still need it back? That's sad, sadder, saddest. In that order. My ex-girlfriend has my blankie and I need it back. And a necklace my mother gave me. First of all, you're a dude.

If it's not a chain, you don't want it. It's a half necklace his mother made. Yeah, it's a puka shell that he got on vacation in Myrtle Beach. He still needs it back. Have you ever dealt with getting shit back from an ex, or is it gone forever? I feel like sometimes it's like, take the L. There's a couple of girls that went to Marist College that have pretty dope lifeguard hoodies still, probably. But you've got to take the l on some of that shit

so it's just gone it's a sunk cost if you don't want to talk to her again you answered your own question there but but what if he wants the stuff back more than he wants to talk to her is there a conduit he can use a third here's what i would i will this is a good business opportunity i want to go on record and say that i agree with you. Take the L. That stuff's gone forever. You're being a baby. You don't want your fucking baby blanket back. But in a way, I can sort of understand, like, I don't need the blanket. I don't want her to have something so sentimental.

Right, right. And who's to say she still even has it? Right, that's true. I bet, like, chances are she doesn't have your baby blanket. Chances are she's like, this fucking asshole. I also love that she's like, she has a bunch of my trinkets. What the fuck have you done? All my, what are you, fucking Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception?

She has my spinning top. I don't know if I'm in reality or not anymore. She has some marbles, some jacks, a little snow globe. Like, glittering trinkets every time you went over. You had a bindle. Is she Native American and you were buying land off of her every time you went over there? Yeah, she's got beads. She's got a stack of my disease-ridden

blankets. But on the plus side, I do have 29,000 square miles that stretches from Louisiana to Oregon. So I have that going for me. Well, here's what I say he does. You take inventory of the stuff you have of hers and you just say, hey, I have a bunch of your stuff.

Let's do a swap. Yeah, like email or text. Well, I don't even say swap necessarily. If he wants to be so cool about it, I have a bunch of your stuff, I want to give it back. She's like, oh, you know what? I have a bunch of your stuff too. What about a third?

Let's just think about a business idea right here where it's a third-party escrow service that comes and gets your stuff back. It's the equivalent of setting a self-adjusted envelope. Like you're like a weird boyfriend repo. Hey, what's up, dad? Claire, we need to pick up a whoopee and some trinkets and a necklace.

I am to understand there's also a baby blanket on premises. That reminds me. This is also slightly unrelated, but of our other... Remember the movie idea we had for the business? What? Which is... All Dogs. get on premises that reminds me this is also slightly unrelated but uh of our other remember the movie idea we had for the business which is uh all dogs it's well it's it's a hit man for pets like if a dad is this ingrate of a kid won't walk the dog and i'm taking care of it uh it's a guy that comes and kills a dog yeah it makes it look like an accident right so it's all your dog's dad

it's called all Dogs Go to Kevin. Yeah, the main character's name is Kevin and that's the business that he starts. You know, by the way, this makes you two sound like sociopaths. A kid won't walk the dog, so the most obvious thing is you kill it. So we have this business idea

for a guy who murders pets. I feel like you guys worked at College Humor for so long that All Dogs Go to Kevin came to your mind. Like, we could turn this into a video. Serena Williams, world champion tetris player oh got it um perfect that's actually pretty good yeah that's not bad i'm sure that is there's a two minute video featuring me and will hines and george basil somewhere with that premise i'd watch anything you're her Tetris coaches. Not terrible.

Serena, if you're listening, and I know Venus is, so... Venus, just get Serena in the room. We'll hold. One Mississippi. She's fast. She'll get there fast. She has to.

I would say, why does your... I also really want to know why your ex-girlfriend has your baby blanket. What situation does it occur where you even let hergirlfriend has your baby blanket like yeah what situation does it occur where you even let her know you have a baby blanket no less leave it at her house well this is this is this is a herwitz move i don't know if i invented it but i but it's definitely this

is legit i think i might have mentioned on the podcast once so first time you're a girlfriend if you're trying to make her fall in love with you, she gets sick. You bring her over your first stuffed animal, your first baby blanket, your favorite T-shirt, something soft that she can cuddle. It's a very sweet, sentimental move. And you fake it? Is that what you're saying? Of course. You never want to give her your real shit. Not the real blankie.

You go to Salvation Army, you get the dirtiest ugly ugliest teddy bear you can find i imagine you're like some liam neeson taken character you like pull a pelican case out from your seat flip it open and it's like a whoopee two stuffed animals you're like all right time to go you give her something that's only been around her four years sweetheart this is uh something that always made me feel better really it says charlotte bobcats on it weren't they not even around when you were seven my great uncle was a bobcat oh he gave me this all right class of 2014 though so why had a didn't want to tell you this i had a brother who died will you just blow me suck my dick please you mopey mopey bitch i'm begging you you've got a hole for your dick in the blanket third party is also reasonable.

Are you friends with any of her friends still? Probably not if you're casually calling her a cheating whore. Right? Yeah, you're not friends with cheating whores. Cheating whores are for people that you've sliced out of your life entirely. Yeah, right, right. I feel like if you've gotten to the point where in your mind she's a cheating whore, you've got to take the L.

Yeah. A third party is dangerous too because then you have to ask a friend of yours to go get your baby blanket back someone else finds out that you have a baby yeah you have to do this yourself it's a solo mission changing your name on the uh podcast this is the best keeping an anonymity here is the best idea possible we already said connecticut we've already said too much. We outed this motherfucker. So either go for it if you really want it or you can't ever see it again. That's how it goes.

But it's okay. I would say you could have thrown that baby blanket out when you were one. She did you a favor. You've had it for 20 years too long. Just remember the good days. Yeah. Didn't you have that situation somewhat recently

where somebody old had something that you wanted oh i still think about that fucking shirt that's one of my favorite shirts yeah i i recently did a google search for it to see if someone was selling it on ebay because i want the exact same one and so no they weren't so you you're you're basically resigned to the fact that you can't ask what yeah it's like there's like um you don't know there's some math version of this we're like a statute of limitations the well not the like the level of embarrassment outweighs how bad i want the shirt yeah the risk but just barely yeah i like really want the shirt but i don't want to talk to her you just felt a little less shame you could go for the

shirt or if you wanted the shirt a little bit more and it would like i mean this would be the first thing i've said to this person in a very long time. Which is like, not like, hey, how's it going? Which is more, hey, I miss a shirt. I'm not you. It's a big supposition, a big assumption on your part to assume she still has that shirt. She still has the whoopee. You know, she probably burned that shit in the fucking shoebox the second you called her a cheating whore.

That's the fear. Like, you muster up all whore. That's the fear. You muster up all your courage. Hey, look, I know this is crazy. I want my baby blanket back. And she's like, you fucking loser. I threw it out. I threw it out when you gave it to me and we were still together

because I thought it was so lame. That makes sense. Will you get back together with me? Let's stop for one quick second to thank another sponsor and then we'll come back and we'll do our last question. Is that okay with you? No. All with me let's uh let's stop for one quick second to thank another sponsor and then we'll come back and we'll do our last question is that okay with you no all right let's do it thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels

like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments,

segments, you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Gabrus left. He was that pissed? He was mad.

That's it. That's all we have to do. We'll do the ad later. So you don't even have to, we don't have to pretend. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I'm so anti-commercialism. I know, exactly.

I've never sold out. Don't look at my resume, though. Don't look at my shirt. Don't look at all the stupid game shows I've hosted over the years. Don't watch Guy Code. How's it going with you? Just to take a little breather. We don't have at my shirt don't look at all yeah don't look at all the stupid game shows i've hosted don't watch guy could uh how's it going with you just to take a little breather we don't have to talk about questions all the time how are you i'm good i'm good uh i feel like uh i'm i don't think people realize how i mean i'm assuming your fans assume you guys live together yeah to me when finding out that you guys live together was one of the more exciting things

in my entire life. It feels oddly genuine. I couldn't live with my writing partner. I couldn't live with my best friends anymore. It's too weird. Take that, your wife. I can live with her because I don't have to work with her also.

That's a huge part. You guys work together and live together. Exercise together, go out together i need him right yeah this relationship has gotten to like an unhealthy level but it's still magnificent and charming yeah it's a cute codependence yeah right it's it's like this is gonna be depressing someday when someone gets serious with a woman assuming you guys aren't like just keeping up some oh we made a pact yeah we made a pact that we can't we can't get married to anyone else we're like we can't let anyone know that we're a couple for a number of years that would be so nice i wish that i like sometimes i wish that were true yeah if we were just gay it would be fine well do you

know what though like why not just fucking change the game you can always have a two-family house me and my wife when we first got together, when we first moved together, we lived with a best friend, just the three of us in a two-bedroom, for like four years, and it was fine. That sounds cool. So I can only imagine,

and then it's you two and whoever gets a girlfriend first, Jake. Then it's like literally anybody. And then when you get married, whoever gets married first, Amir. And then whoever has a kid first jake but you need to find we would need to find um partners who liked us and each other and one another yeah so like that like our relationship is already so rare this is like some crazy yeah what do you need women or partners because we're still you know we're not we're not labeling it just we're not out so we have to find writing partner duos that are both female that live together garfunkel and oats are they single john you know them i don't know them

that well but i say go for it all right but what you do need to find it you or you just need two women who don't hate each other they can live live in the same house. You know what I mean? Right. They just have to really like us. Right. They're sacrificing. They're trying to get a compound, man. Yeah. Two family houses. I want to live on a commune.

I want to have like, you have a wife, I have a wife, you have a wife, Dave has a wife, and we all fuck everyone's wives. Yeah. And there'll be just kids running around and we won't know who's the dad. They're all right. With their legal age, they'll be fucking each other. Oh my God. And we don't know.

I would love if we all moved in together age they'll be fucking each other oh my god and we don't know I would love if we all moved in together and we all started fucking each other's wives and we just all found out that our wives just keep fucking Jake

that would be the thing it's like your wife would be like Jake's wife would be like I can't fuck Gabriel come on

and it's like everyone Jake's like we're just me and Amir playing video games every night where's your wife she said she was

going out with Jake it was great Jake's just drilling everybody's eyes. You and I are just hanging out. What you described was Iceland in 1100 and then if you want to know what happens after 900 years, go to Iceland

now. And they have a perfect society. They have a very beautiful society. If you like whale meat and diet cola for $49 for every meal they they really figured it out that's not fair that's all yeah everything has its downside whale meat and diet cola but you get to fuck your cousins yeah you get to fuck your clones you don't have to fuck anyone under 5 11 or with dark features the equivalent of masturbation fucking over there

that's how self-sacrificing it is um so we oh yeah we should all live together sorry i totally interrupted that train of thought we're all gonna live together soon right can i suggest your cabin here that sounds nice this is a this is perfect for i'd love to fuck your wives in here i'm not joking that idea appeals to me like that'd be really fun live with some friends for like a temporary thing but i could never sell my wife on that even without eliminate the group sex part of it the swinging she just wouldn't be she's like no we're in our 30s we have a fucking apartment like just live with the two of us right oh yeah but what about like fun silliness for a year she's like no the thing is i can't imagine i could imagine loving like this idea and pitching my wife and

being like, okay, so I want to live with my friend Dave and my brother and then all their kids. That's all your friends. Yeah, exactly. And then she's like, well, what about my friend? I'm like, she's kind of annoying. That is 100%. What would happen?

She's like, well, what about my friend? You're like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no. I hate her boyfriend. They're cool to hang out with once or twice, but you don't really want to live with them. That's exactly how it would be. Yeah, that would be my list. That would be all my closest friends and their girl. I'm like, just be friends with all their girlfriends.

It's almost like... Have you ever liked a wife or girlfriend's boyfriend a lot, like gotten along well, or it's all so removed you don't like them anymore? Yeah, no. It's like you kind of have to fake it for a while, but then every once in a while there comes a dude and then you're like oh all right i actually like this guy and then they break up and you're like oh shit can i still hang out with that right that actually happened i have

a friend uh this guy johnny who lives in brooklyn who is uh tiffany's maid of honor's boyfriend for a long time but now they broke up and this dude is like super cool i probably shouldn't even say but he's like really cool and I want to chill with him. And I'm like, if you're ever in California, text me. I feel so uncomfortable. But I really like him. As a matter of fact, I have a really quick funny story about that. In high school, I was dating this girl.

All her friends sucked. I mean, no, in college. Sorry. Went back to her high school party like you do over summers in college. Like, oh, I'll go to your hometown for a weekend. And she had a high school party and all of her friends sucked all the girls kind of were annoying and uh all her friends were sort of dirtbags and they hated me because she was like the hot girl in her high school right and then like this big obnoxious dude is now dating her and they all wanted to fuck her and then i come back dating her and all of her friends suck and

i'm like i gotta meet all their stupid boyfriends one dude was kind of cool and i was like oh i like this guy so i like kind of stuck with him and then later on at the party some dude comes up to me he's bigger than me he's holding a bottle in his hand what and he's like what's up what's your problem i'm like i don't have a problem like what the fuck are you doing here i'm like oh my girlfriend brought me i'm trying to not use names by accident. My girlfriend brought me here. I'm dating her.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But I don't want you here. I was like, oh, well, okay, I can go. But you're being an asshole. He's like, I'm being an asshole? And then I look, and the dude who I met that day, who I thought was kind of cool, is standing behind that guy. And he looks at me and goes like i got you like he was like i'm a fight break like he was literally like he the dude who i met for three hours and i

thought was kind of cool was like i'll fight i will fight this huge guy with a bottle yeah and then in hindsight i was like that dude is the that is the ultimate version of like meeting your girlfriend's shitty friends shitty boyfriend and he ends up being kind of cool. This dude was ready to fist fight guys he went to high school with on my behalf. That's amazing. So what ended up happening? Like every situation I've ever been in like that, I fucking squashed it down by making them laugh or whatever. And then I told my girlfriend at the time, I was like,

let's get the fuck out of here. And then I was like, never visited her again. I was like, fuck this. And that was like enough to almost want to break up with her. Not because of that current fight situation, but when someone, when someone who is cool

and all their friends suck, you're like, that's enough. I'm out of here. Like, this is just a bad time. You have to spend time with them or this is also a reflection on you.

That's true. You are as good as the company that you keep. Right. Yeah, and also like, if like a girl you date has no friends, that's terrifying. Oh, yeah.

That's really sad. Actually, I used to hang out with her, but I hate her now. You're like, oh, God, get out of here. Why do you hate them all now? If you hate too many people, you're like, oh, I hate him. I hate him. Like you date somebody who's like, oh, my mom's such a bitch. Oh, no.

You are that. Everything you say about somebody else is what you are. Right. It's very true. That guy's so fucking petty. Nope. You are. You're petty.

By calling someone else petty, that is the, like, you know, that's a snake eating its own tail. That is petty. That guy's so petty and small and annoying and stupid, uncomfortable, right? You're currently being small petty annoying Oh shit But I'm cool But I'm not an asshole about it I was saying to someone today

Someone who says I say it like it is Is someone who never does Say it like it is I hate drama Oh I hate drama is a good one uh i'm sarcastic those people don't get sarcasm i'm a free spirit are usually the most uptight if you read someone's twitter profile and it has any of those words in it you could just know full well or tinder even yeah tinder i don't know that much right right deep thinker no yeah later i'm a deep thinker

says the guy who thinkers don't even refer to themselves Like, I don't think like a fucking like, you know guru of Buddhism would consider themselves a deep thinker

I should write I should type here with my little finger that I'm a deep thinker Deep thinker In my Tinder bio Oh, T-H-I Oh, and there we go

finishes the sentence for me Space, space, period Deep thinker I did it I am that now It's so easy to type i must be that uh that that was fun but it took us till past when we have to go okay yeah we just had a fun time we only answered three questions but they were we we delved deep

and we we laughed a lot so i'll call that a w we had to talk about taking an l we we got a w we took it up we went for the l we got the double i might even release this episode i swear to god it's that i'm just here to to see what i wanted to see what the fuck your guy's life was like over here i wanted to catch you guys fucking i like i said like i told you i was gonna i was running late and then still made it on time just to see if i could catch you guys kissing it came close to us fucking amir we are in my cabin. Amir is in my bed. I am shirtless. There's less recording equipment than normal for Jake.

Nothing is plugged in. Jake's microphone is a carrot. Mine's a dildo. Mine's gone. But I did set up a camera on a tripod in the corner facing the bed. So, I don't know. Let's have sex at the end of the day. Do you have anything you want to promote, plug, or talk about?

When does this come out? Let's say Monday, October 27th. Oh, you know what? It might be Monday, November 2nd. Okay, well, if it's Monday, tune in to True TV tonight to watch episodes three and four of Hairjacked. Whoa, is this all real? This is real. All right, so this is Monday, November 3rd. Whoa, is this all real? This is real.

All right, so this is Monday, November 3rd. Yeah, on Monday nights starting October 27th. So if this is November 3rd, you're in week two. It could be canceled by now, to be honest. It's a show called Hairjacked? It's a game show called Hairjacked on TruTV. It's pretty much, they probably don't want me pitching it like this, but it's pretty much cash cab in a hair salon.

Like it's an ambush game show where they don't know they're on a game show and you're the host? I'm the host I pop out and reveal myself where is that where did you shoot that? I shot that in Burbank in all the work I do in New York

I finally got a job in California congrats yeah it was great so you pop up while people are getting haircuts and you ask them questions while they're getting their haircuts

yeah and then like you can win up to $5,000 then go to the bonus round and if you fail in the bonus round you get hairjacked, the titular name of, you know. Will they shave your head?

Or they fuck it up in some capacity. And he gave some like really insane haircuts. That's super funny for us. Yeah, yeah. Who came up with that idea? It's so silly. I know it is so silly. It's an elite team of 50-year-olds.

Who literally came up with the title first. Yeah, like truth or hair. I think was like the original name of it. That the title first. Yeah, like Truth or Hair. I think was like the original name of it. That's even better. Yeah. And it's kind of fun. I mean, if you're into...

I don't want to push it. It's not... But if you're into game shows, you might like this. Or if you're into Gabrus. Yeah. I guess if it's on Monday nights, if you don't watch

Monday Night Football or Big Bang Theory, leaving about 500 people in America, if you don't watch either of those things, tune in to Hairjacks on True TV, channel 2050 or whatever the fuck it is. That's the one part of Back to the Future 2 that came true, where there was like, TV, put it on channel 926. And everyone's like, what? Yeah, right.

But now it's, indeed, there are 1,065. Yeah, I haven't had a show on a channel below 1,000 yet. That's my new goal. Sub-thousand. A triple-digit game show. Well, thanks for coming on. Great times. Awesome. The opening theme song was written by...

I already forgot. Oh, Dan W. and Maria W. Brothers. Sisters. Brother and sister or couple. Either way. They're all good. Or like Williams and Wilson.

They're not even related. We have a closing theme song, which was written by Rachel Bender. Rachel Bender. If you have your own theme song or your own questions that you want us to answer, it's ifhouryoushow at gmail.com. We're also still accepting thumbnail submissions for when we post the videos to Facebook. Thanks again for listening, guys. Thanks, Gabrus, for coming on the show.

We should have you back now that you know where we live and you're good at it oh yeah we'll see if you guys have me back i'll be i'll be back for episode 226 nice math i love that you are coming back all right later guys it seems i'm in a difficult place i just want to save my pride Should I hook up with this dying piece? Is there more advice, please, than a Starbucks suicide? And if I live in town for school I know what the prince will say You shouldn't be with her, just download Tinder Cause matches equal snatches

Oh mom, stop, put down the dish and then turn it down. Jake is STD-free, but he gets around. I dropped out of Blowjob Academy to smoke a cigarette with Theodore Leslie. Ben Schroetz will ignore the advice part. Sarah Schneider will speak with a pure heart You can't complete your look with a monoprow And more than anything, I have to bounce now

Movie or parts, you know that I trust you That's why I listen to If I Were You If I Were You Here's What They Do Here's what they'd do. one join me track my rage against middle age the exploration of what's behind the scenes in hollywood with guests like john ham zach galifianakis jimmy kimmel corolla hardwick rogan sarah silverman all the big guns we talk personally in a funny way come check it out

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