Segments - 114: Hickey (with Streeter Seidell!)

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

Comedian/friend Streeter Seidell joins us to discuss laundry, car accidents and the Beastie Boys. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and DraftKings.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, real quick, just wanted to mention that we have a live podcast at the Hollywood Improv this Thursday. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I

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November 13th, 2014. So if you're listening and you live near Los Angeles, you can go to ifireyoushow.com for more information. There are tickets still available, so come and have fun with us. All right, let's get started. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash. Right. one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings streeters back back again streeters back tell a friend things got real things got real things got real let's start. Outro Music He always said, oh, mercy. Turn it down, mom. I'm talking about my penis. Don't listen in if you love Jesus.

If you are them, this is the thesis. Jake and Amir, let's seize those cheeses. Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension. No, it's just me singing now. It's not still part of the song. You're alone in this apartment. We're at Streeter's Place. Hey, welcome. We're back in New York, baby.

Whoa, it's like we never left. Jake already ate so much of my food. He really made himself at home. If you give a mouse a cookie, man, it started with a rice cake, and then it would just win from there. No, no, no. He opened your fridge and saw that there was a half an egg roll. Yeah.

Can I have this half egg roll? And you can't say no to that, I guess. I mean, I'm not going to eat it. Yeah, so I had a little bite. It was really good. And then I just opened the floodgates. Gave me the hunger. Then I saw a cracker.

I saw some rice cakes. Yeah. Here I am. Through the rice cakes, through the egg rolls. And now we're back. Did you guys like the Beastie Boys when you were kids? Or is that, like, more of a Jewish thing? It is a big Jewish thing, huh?

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I liked them. I wasn't, like, way into thing, huh? Yeah, I don't know. I liked him. I wasn't way into him, though. Yeah. I think I was too young. I started liking them during their comeback. Like, Intergalactica was the first Beastie Boys song I heard. And then I heard, after that, I heard all the classic ones.

White guys in my high school, aka everybody, love the Beastie Boys. And I also love the Beastie Boys. And I also love the Beastie Boys. It's funny because they probably grew up listening to hardcore hip-hop, and then they did hip-hop themselves, and then all their fans were just white Jewish kids. There wasn't even hardcore hip-hop when they were growing up, though.

They have such a weird story. I thought they started out as a total joke. They were a different kind of band. Yeah, I think you're right. I think they were like, it was like a joke a joke yeah they were like a punk band or something and then they were like oh really rapping as a joke i think either that or i really don't want to like give the story either that or you're just insulting them yeah i think they're a joke uh one of your phones is not on airplane mode and it's it's clicking it picking up. I know, it's probably mine. It's probably me. Is that a six? Yeah.

Damn, dude, the signal is so strong. How'd you get it? I'm hearing it. What was their deal? What do you mean? Oh yeah, it's picking up. Get that away. I'm trying. It's bad. It's really bad. No, I didn't wait. I pre-ordered online and then it just

was there the next day. I just went to the Apple store and picked it up. How long did you have online. And then it just was there the next day. I just went to the Apple store, picked it up. How long do you have to wait for them to pick it up? One day. And you can just walk right in? You don't have to wait in line? Well, yeah. This is something I just talked about not on the podcast.

This is not a new thing, man. I don't remember how I got my phone. I can tell you. There's a website that I've been tracking. It has the stock of every single Apple store in any kind of make, model, color, and phone carrier. Can we check the one in New Haven?

Not right now because we're recording a podcast. And you can't use the internet? One, no, I couldn't. It would stop the recording. And two, don't ask me to do that shit.

As long as I know that it would stop the recording and you weren't being a d-bag. So how many times have you been on the show now? I think this might be five or six. It should have been more.

But then I didn't go to London. Oh, yeah. You would have been on two more. Yeah, I was going to be on two more. And then I really would have cemented my leave.

Which is the whole point of that trip. I totally forgot you didn't come to London. How was it? Did you have fun? Yeah, it was good. I really wanted to go. But instead you had a job

writing for Saturday Night Live, which I guess is good too, right? Yeah, that was a good reason not to go. That was a good get, yeah. So you know how it works. We get emails from people who are asking us for advice and this is where we offer it. Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to the collective we. Us in general. It's like we're performing for an audience, but it's only three of us in a room. The email address is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you have your own questions, let's give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. Should we go Beastie Boys? Let's say there's... Are there enough Beasties?

Well, there's three, but then they had that guy, the DJ that kept on... The MC. Oh, what's his name? Are you talking about Rick Rubin? No. God, now I already forget. They had a guy oh d oh mix master mike mix master yeah he was like their dj right uh let's say this first one

let's say this first one's from mix master mike all right uh mix master mike right okay so my name is mix master mike and i'm in colorado i'm in the middle of something with my girlfriend she recently moved in with me does she have to do my laundry and clean our room and such Or is that machismo She says that I should do hers And she should She says that I should do hers And she will do mine

In parenthesis laundry So is it machismo What is machismo It's like you know being a mach a macho, macho man. He wants to be a macho man. Yeah, exactly. I want to be a sexist man. Yeah.

Sexist, sexist man. Her proposal is straight up dumb. Yeah. It's a dumb, it's like you're not getting anything by just doing each other's laundry. Well, here's why it's dumb. Or it's good for her. He'll just do a bad job with her laundry. I've lived with a lady and to do their laundry, it's hard.

My clothes are all t-shirts and pants. I know how to fold that. I once fold like a girl's clothes. I'm like, what is this garment? Nothing is the same. 70 zippers on this thing. Yeah, exactly. There's like, you see, or like a girl's clothes i'm like what is this garment nothing is the same 70 zippers on this tape exactly there's like you see or like a really thin sheet and i'm like is this a pant or a scarf like i was my sister has a scarf like that i don't know what it is like wraps in some way and i tried

to like i tried to just fold it and it wouldn't change it was it's a name of a scarf it's a black hole every single thing is like trying to fold the fitted sheet of a mattress which i taught myself how to do that yeah youtube not eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or some weird shit like that but he knows how to fold never had a tic tac i thought of one yesterday that i hadn't done i was like oh that's a good one i've never oh this is gonna bother me. Have you ever thrown up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're thinking of Ricky

who hasn't vomited in like 15 years. What was the thing that I... I was like, oh, I've never done that. God damn it. I hate my brain.

Gone on... No, we've... I was gonna say gone on a trampoline but we've trampolined together, you and I. What adventures we've had. Let us go then,

you and I, to the trampoline to the trampatorium to bounce university bounce castle where the disclaimers are 48 pages long because someone is going to break their arm everyone shall bite their tongue off just the tip

so what is this guy expecting too much when you live with a girl you know I remember this phase so what is what's this guy is this guy expecting too much when you live with a girl you know like I remember this phase of moving in

with a girl where it's like it's rule time and so you start like laying out all these like dumb rules and like complicated plans

for who's gonna do what and everyone's like real concerned about it being fair that's a big thing with Vanessa and I for a while I was like

well if I did I did the dishes. So then you have to do the laundry. And eventually it's just like, it's just like whoever has time, you know? So that's, that's a mature way to do it. It's like, if you're around, you do it. There's not like a rule. But a laundry is so perfect. I wouldn't ever be like, I didn't have time.

So you have to do our laundry. I'm like, well, no, they're my clothes and my pants. So I make time to wash them. Unless you have, like, a chore list where it's like, oh, I rake and do the snow or whatever, and you do the laundry. You guys have, like, this shared space. You have, like, dogs that you bought together,

so who feeds the dogs? Who walks the dogs? I feed the dogs. We'll let the dogs out. But, like, who does let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?

Who? Party was hot, party was jumping. We'll let the dogs out But like Who does let the dogs out? Woof Woof Woof Woof Party was hot Party was jumping It's funny that you know the verses But you thought it was Who let the dogs out? Woof Woof

Woof But it's actually Who Who Who I thought it was like Sort of a play on like Who

Who Who Who Am I wrong? Is it a dog? The dogs are barking And they're saying who But they're saying who As if it were a dog saying who.

Who. Who. Who. Yeah, it's like a fat dog. The dogs are all loose and then they're woofing. Not like, the dogs are loose. Who did it? Who did it? Who did it? But that is the central question.

Yeah, I think that is it. But I think they like that the dogs are out. Yeah, who? It's fun when the dogs are out. Yeah, who? It's fun when the dogs are out. Who, who, who? You know those Baja gentlemen. The gentlemen from Baja. The Baja faith gentlemen.

I think this guy and his lady need to stop making plans and learn how to be a team. Stop making plans, start being a man. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for making that rhyme,

even though it's not really what I said. At least it rhymes. We just get to a rhyme whether it's true or not. So what's your suggestion here? I would say don't worry about who does what. You definitely don't go in hot and say, you do the laundry now. I feel like that's not a good thing to say to a woman.

That's like the one thing that you don't combine with the person. Or do you? Do you guys have one laundry? Although there are things Vanessa will tell me not to wash because she has like a way she wants that they're supposed to get washed and I'm too dumb to learn it. And I don't understand. She also says I do the laundry wrong. Which is hard because all you do is put it in the machine.

I put it in the hole, the water hole, and then I pour in the dew, and I come back and I move it to the hot tosser. And I think that's the way it goes. Then I take the lint out. Yeah, the hot tosser. I forgot about the hot tosser. Yeah. And then you fold it all up and you just wrap it up in your arms

and stuff it into a single drawer. Put it in a duffel bag and stuff hard laundry and like some stuff is like very personal like i like doing laundry like in a certain way and like somebody else might like to do it in a different way and like i feel bad like if i was living with someone and they did my laundry wrong because you can't really complain about that you got them tiger striped underwear you You got them skid marks. Yeah. I gotta look after my own. You gotta hide the skid marks. Is it crazy to do, if you lived with a girl, would you keep the

laundry separate? I think why? Because I don't know. You're already living with each other. You're gonna see each other at your worst. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm not worried about it. I'm just worried about... He's not actually worried about her seeing this shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm just worried about I'll do my laundry when I want to do the laundry. Because then it's like, oh, i'm not worried about like i'm just worried about actually worried about her seeing this shit yeah yeah i'm just worried about like don't do i'll do my laundry when i want to do the laundry because then it's like oh i'm waiting for you to do your laundry it just it seems like

it's better to keep it separate it's like i don't want to take a shit when you have to go to the bathroom separate but equal right that's not not even not even equal i want her to do hers worse uh we disagree then i say just just like learn how to live together. And living together means like you just do it when – you do the chores when someone has time. Right. But like what about – when I was living with a lady, it sort of just fell into certain ways. Like she would do the cooking and I would clean the dishes. So that's great.

It's 50-50. You got to find your rhythm, right? Right. Is that the whole thing? But lingerie, I can't quite remember. It must have been. I think it was separate. Didn't you send it out?

Oh, no. Your dog's eating a water bottle. That's okay. She's turning blood, blood red. That's one of the main things she eats. That and her own shit. Those are her two favorite foods. No, we would do it at home but i'm just saying it's i my suggestion is to do your own laundry she could do hers it's because

it's it's very preferential she'll do it the way she likes to do it you don't want to mess it up just like you said like oh i accidentally wash this i accidentally dry this i didn't hang dry this i didn't fold this i don't even know what the hell this shawl thing is how about god damn it kristin how about this then for a compromise okay you let her set the pace because it sounds like she i mean in my experience like the women in my life have had way more uh preference when it comes to laundry than i have like like this is how you wash it this is how you do it i'm like as i said throw it in the water hole. Right. And then the hot toss, and I'm done. So maybe he should just start out doing it. Let her be like, you're doing it wrong.

You know what? I'm just going to do it. But it's so hard to say you're doing a favor for me wrong, even though you should. Leave it to a woman. This is what I get. But it's annoying because if if you do my laundry wrong i do have to i like what's the cool i would not feel good about somebody doing me that favor laundry is so like it's just my shit right just like the best if i nothing i love more than some

doing my laundry it's fantastic so if you lived with a girl you would keep it separate as well i probably wouldn't be like here give me your separate as well? I probably wouldn't be like, here, give me your laundry. And I also wouldn't be like, will you take my laundry? But would you have one hamper or two different hampers? I would have... How many hampers? Sir, objection! Will you have two hampers or one?

I think I would have a hamper and she would have a hamper. If I moved in with a girl, there would be two closets. I would keep my hamper in the closet like I do now. And I bet she would just do whatever the fuck she wanted with her laundry. Coward. I would keep my hamper in the closet like I do now, and I bet she could just do whatever the fuck she wanted with her laundry. Coward. I would be like, I would hide my hamper from her. You're a coward and a racist. Coward. Yeah. And then it

has nothing to do with the laundry. It's about the way you react when a dog jumped on your leg. You are a scaredy cat. You have to stop eating the rice cakes. This is crazy. Why do you want rice cakes? They're not... That's all I have.

It's eating foam. Why are you eating foam right now? Are you hungry? This is all... I've gotten to the point of fatness where Vanessa won't even bring home food anymore. Right, I noticed the fridge is very empty. The only thing that you could possibly eat here have no calories. They're like, I'm giving you foam discs to discourage you from eating.

They will fill your stomach up with zero. It doesn't work. I'll find a way. The idea is that it's so inedible that you will have a distaste for food. It's rewiring your brain to think that all food is a bland. She did actually just replace the sleeve with cardboard. You're eating the sleeve. I am.

Salted cardboard is very good. I remember the thing I hadn't eaten until recently. I just had lox for the first time. Really? A Jew. I just had lox. You're a Jewish man. It's because I never really ate fish growing up, and then I just started eating sushi.

I'm like, oh, is lox like sashimi salmon? Even better. Because it's saltier. Yeah, it's smoky and salty. It's delicious. Yeah, but I don't like cream cheese either. Do you do Nova? Do you do a Lax?

I don't know. It was like part of a catering thing, so I just tried lox. Not terrible, but I don't like cheese, so what am I supposed to eat? Just like lox on a bagel? You're still eating this foam. You don't like cream cheese? No, I don't like cream cheese. You've got to get a little schmear.

Here, let me do it all for you, man. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do a bagel. We're going to do a little cream cheese. We're going to do a bagel. We're going to do a little cream cheese. We're going to do some capers. We're going to do some lox and some red onion. You're going to love it. See, this is all Jewish food.

I should be the one teaching you how to eat this. But I'm teaching you. That's a wise Christian. Show me the way. For it is my duty as a Christian soldier. For he has done his job. I really did eat that just so it would be gone and I wouldn't keep on thinking about it. You've done me a favor by taking

away my food. No, there's still some more over there. Actually, I could go for another one. The entire time I was eating that, I was like, my mouth was so full that I couldn't speak, and I was just hoping neither of you would ask me to say anything. I might eat this little baby pumpkin if I get hungry enough. Like a little decorative pumpkin

I might just take. How? How could you eat decorative pumpkin, I might just take it. How? How could you eat that? Is that as if it's an apple? It's ceramic. I've digested it. I do see you took a bite out of a book over there. Yeah. Studer literally took a bite out of crime earlier.

It was crazy. So, okay, real last minute. What's your advice on this guy? Do your own laundry. No, just suck it up and do each other's laundry. I would say don't make a rule. Just do it when it needs to get done and let it sort itself out. Right.

Never say always. I'll do this and you do that. Never say always is very deep. Thank you. Yeah. Never say, so always say never no no you you always say sometimes or always say case by case all right well it's not it's gonna be as poetic but you always say it's a case-by-case basis i will never say always i say keep it separate laundry is a

little too it's personal i'll do my laundry you do. And don't make me do yours because I don't know. I do my laundry. You do yours because I don't know how to do females' laundries. Yeah, and machismo is too kind of a term for somebody who makes their girlfriend do their laundry. All right, cool. Ready? Question number two. What does MCA say?

MCA. Hey, Jake and Amir. I'm a university student, and the other day I hit the back of a lady's car while on my way to a gas station. It was a light tap, and afterwards she just kept driving. Relieved, assuming that I just slammed the brakes really hard, I continued to the gas station, but she ended up going to the same gas station. After pulling up beside me on the pump, I looked over, and she was looking right at me. So my inner good guy came out, and I went over to her and asked if I had hit her, and she was looking right at me so my inner good guy came out and i went

over to her and asked if i had hit her and she said yes just to shorten the rest she turned out to own a music school music school and she's never been in a car accident driving for over 20 years so she didn't know what to do and only took down my name and phone number i'm kind of broke being a student and all and i really don't want to pay her she texted me and told me to pick up the Wow. MCA. Oh, that's a real conundrum. Is it? Isn't it too late?

She has your name and your number. You can't disappear on her. You can say that it was her fault, though. Which it sounds like maybe it was. If you re-rent somebody, it's always your fault, no matter what. Oh, yeah, that's right. Is that true? Wait, if you re-rent someone, it's always your fault.

So you can slam on the brakes. You're never supposed to be following it so close. You're supposed to be alert. You're supposed to be able to stop If somebody slams on their brakes And you slam on yours and you hit them Then that just means you were following them too close Or that you were going too fast

You're always supposed to be able to not hit someone Who stopped in front of you Yeah I'm afraid he's already The real decision was Should he have told her Before Like at first at the gas station? Because he was about to get away with it. Yeah, he should have just gotten away with it.

Yeah, and then he felt too bad. And his inner, quote, good guy, which is I guess his parents succeeding in life. Who isn't that good? If you had to wrestle that hard, your inner good guy is so small. My demons. Oh, I finally decided. You know what? I will ask her if I hit her car, even though I know that I did. I know that I did. I will...

Let me at least broach it. See if she doesn't make me pay for it. Is that something like you call... I don't really know how it works. Do you call insurance in that situation? Is that what insurance is for? I think it's different state by state, but I believe in California, insurance pays for everything. Whether it's that your insurance is just going to go up since you've gotten in an accident.

Right, right, right. So his insurance should pay for it if they win. Oh, maybe what he can do to get out of it is say, all right, let's take it to the police. Oh, and then she's like, oh. And then he'll be like, oh, it's going to be a whole thing. Never mind. But if she didn't do anything wrong, she would just be like, sure, yeah, we can take it to the police. Oh, and then she's like, oh, I don't want that. And then they'll be like, oh, it's going to be a whole thing, never mind. But why, if she didn't do anything wrong,

she would just be like, sure, yeah, we can take it to the police. Yeah, but she doesn't want to go through the bureaucratic red tape. We hit a cab, or excuse me, a cab hit us. Legally.

And the guy tried to, you know, he was like, can I just give you my list and settle it? And we're like, no, we're going to, because, you know,

we'll go through the whole thing. And he really did not want that. It was like a real hassle. And now're like, no, we're going to, because, you know, we'll go through the whole thing. And he really did not want that. It was like a real hassle. And now, like, looking back on it, we should have just taken the money. Right. But maybe if he says, like, okay, cool, if you think it's a big enough thing that I need to give you money for, then let's do this the right way. We'll call the police. We'll report it.

You'll say what you think happened. No, that's only bad for him because I think this is why the reason people do that is because they

don't want their insurance to go up they don't want to like yeah I'll pay it off so like I'll just give you

$300 to fix your car and like nothing bad happens and this is like a one time fee or she's like I mean the worst case scenario

is like oh let's get my insurance involved and she'll be like okay yeah I've never been in an accident. Do you think that's what's best? Yeah. She doesn't have to pay. Her insurance doesn't go up.

This is his last chance to get out of it completely. He's not going to. Like, he's either going to have to give her money, which he specifically said he does not have. He said, I don't have money. Well, then his insurance will have to pay for it. I mean, it depends what his deductible is, of course. We'll have to look that up.

Yeah, where are you? Progressive, Ge of course. We'll have to look that up. If it's deductible, $1,500, you might as well just pay the $300. Just to switch things up, just to make things even more complicated, this is from Canada. Wow. So I don't know what the fuck's going on. Insurance is free there. Is it the same as health care? Everything is free in Canada. Everything's free.

Nothing costs money in Canada. I'm just trying to say, like, yeah, probably the smart thing is just settle up, but if he really wants to take a swing, and maybe get out of it completely, make it look like you're going to make

a huge deal out of it. What happens if she's like, okay, it's $1,100, and he's like, I don't have that? Well, you could always say, like, do you mind

if I get a second appraisal? Because she might have just taken it to some, any random mechanic. Like, somebody hit me, like, oh me like oh this is the price he's like but this guy if he has a mechanic that he should that he trusts that he knows or a friend that like knows about cars because her incentive is to just get it over with she doesn't care what the price is maybe not necessarily shopping around at all but he's like can i think i could find you a better deal and maybe you could at least pay the smallest amount of money that way i think that's the cheapest thing

you can do rather than going through your insurance none of the cheapest thing you can do is ignore her phone calls her texts right well then she just like looks up reverse reverse looks up your phone number finds out who you are is she really gonna do that she might is she really gonna do that first look up can you even do that what if you google search a phone number and if it doesn't come up with that i I think it actually, but you know what? Wait, here's the deal, but you can also just give it to the police. Be like,

this guy hit me, gave me his name and his number. And now he's not answering. But do you think the police are going to look into that? Yeah. They'll be like, okay, thanks,

man. We'll just file that away. No, this is Canada. So this is like the biggest crime. You just got taken down by 10. Right. This is like, this is in New York city.

This is like some small town in Canada where he ran into a lady who owns a music school yeah you can own a school in canada which is kind of cool i'm just trying to help this dude not pay money i thought that was the objective here no the objective is to what what would you do in this situation oh i just pay the money i just give her the money of course yeah i mean i'm rich so i can do it yeah honestly not a problem should we just pay the money. I just give her the money. Of course. I mean, I'm rich, so I can do it. Honestly, not a problem. Should we just pay this guy out? I have a good feeling. If it's less than $500, maybe we should just give it to him.

Is that nuts? It's on Squarespace. How many texts do you sell, Jake? Maybe that's not fair. That's actually a good intro. Textjake.com is still up and running if you guys are interested in Jake's personalized texting advice. He will give his suggestions within 24 hours guaranteed.

That URL again is textjake.com. How's textjake going for you? I actually really like it. It's a lot of fun. How's volume? I know you don't want to discuss specifics, but the first day was a little overwhelming. I haven't missed anybody yet. You've probably answered close to 200 texts

in the first week, right? I think like 175. Wow. Wow. And this is like your own personalized dear Abby column. Yeah. Old advice. The interesting thing that I'm finding is that a lot of people don't necessarily need like this one golden text. Yeah.

A lot of it is like, I can read their whole entire text and like give them direction and be like, so some guys are just like, yeah, like I think it's going good. I don't know if I should ask her out. And I read the conversation and it's like so clearly going amazing.

And I'm like, you could say anything you want. And then sometimes people are like, oh, man, I want to just ask this girl out. And I'm reading the text and the girl is like borderline going to press charges on me. Don't text this girl anymore. Yeah, when we built it or when Garrett, I should say, built it, or when we had it in mind to be built, we thought it would be like mostly just say this, and then you're going to get a response, and then you say this, like you're

actually texting for people. But it's usually just like a one and done thing, where you're like, don't worry, this is going great, I would say this, and if it goes here, then you can do this. It's not just like one text, and then you're waiting to hear the response. Originally, we thought that we'd be able to adjust the business plan. It's a lot more time consuming.

Is AskJake available? AskJake.com? Ask Jake. We thought it was just going to be like I could respond from my phone, but I'm writing 300 word emails back to these people. You have to stop caring so much. I really want them to fuck. We want everyone to fuck. That's what's nice about it.

That's your goal. Including this kid who rear-ended that man. He wants a rear-ender. Here's how you fuck the teacher. You say, if that rear-ending was good, how would you like

this type of rear-ending? You owe me money. This one cost me 300 bucks. So shop around if you want to find the best offer or if you don't want to pay anything at all,

simply ignore her forever but know that they're the risk to that is jail time wait can i just say can i just throw in one thing yeah i would say he should just be honest with the lady and say i don't have a lot of money i can help you out up to this amount yeah like all I have is this dollar or, you know, like if it's not a huge deal, can you just let it slide? Because it wasn't a big accident.

It was an honest mistake. I came up to you and I, I came up to you. I came up to you and I said, Hey, did I hit you? Or was that, did you stop short? Did you hear,

do you feel that earthquake? That's like guy, I like stopped. And then some dude ran between our car with a crowbar and he went, boop. And then I was like, I tried to chase him and I... What was that? You owe me, actually. What was that?

Maybe say if you don't let me off the hook, and I'm not saying I'm going to do this, but at some point in your life, maybe many years from now, when you've long forgotten about this incident, this whole conversation, this series of events, you'll lose someone or something. And in the back of your head, you'll always wonder, was that him who did this for me? Who took this thing I loved? Was it that kid

from all those years ago? And you just leave her with that. And maybe that'll freak her out enough that she just lets it go. You want him to say that to her. Yeah, that's what he should say to her many years from now. Long past. Well, you guys title this movie, the first ten pages is this accident, and then the rest of the movie plays out, and he works at her school to pay it off.

But he looks different. Right, he looks different. He's from the wrong side of the tracks. And then he's like, she's like, you know, Miss Blank, I keep seeing you teaching these kids. Maybe you can teach me violin. And then she starts to be like a what is it called when you're a phenom a prodigy.

And he goes on to be like a world famous musician and then at the end he makes a lot of money and then he gives her that check. He's like, by the way I don't think I ever paid you back for this. That's $300. So what's the name of that movie? Ooh. Fenderbender.

But here's the deal. He's a guitar player. He plays guitar. And his whole thing is that, like, he has, like, the bending of the strings. Yeah, he goes. Oh, yeah. He bends it. Okay.

Like Beckham. We'll call him Fender Bender like Beckham. Fender Bend it like Beckham. That's good. That's a free movie idea for you guys. So you're welcome, Hollywood. Let's take a little break. Let's take a chill out, half an hour in backstretch.

You work at SNL. Do you like it? I love it. How many weeks have you worked there? Six, seven. Wow. This season. Do you ever think about us?

I think about you guys all the time. Yeah. I have pictures of you. They're everywhere. I was noticing as I was walking around this apartment that there wasn't any pictures of me or Amir. Is that true? Why would there be?

Do you have a picture of Striegel in your house? You know what? I have a picture of Jeff Rubin on my desk that Vanessa's covered with a piece of paper. Yeah, and the piece of paper says Jew. She said I couldn't stand to look at that hideous, vile Jew monster anymore. And covered it up. It was so weird.

Yeah, she put a rice cake over it. Speaking of, can I finish that egg roll? What? You didn't finish it? No, I only took one bite. Oh, yeah, go get it, man. There's also a carton of brown rice in there. Really?

Yeah, a little tiny. Do you have any sriracha? I might. I want to check the door. Don't tell me to check the door. I will check the door. I'll obviously check the door. I don't know if I have sriracha.

We have hot sauce. That's good. We were kind of really pissed when you got the job because that meant you, one, couldn't go to London and two, couldn't move to Los Angeles. So instead of feeling good. You said you were happy. Right. You said congratulations.

Of course. What am I supposed to say? Like, oh, that pisses me off because it negatively affects me personally yeah like that it pisses you yeah it makes me angry and upset like you heard and were like god damn it what an ass it was like yeah it was a positive for you and a negative for us right so overall for us it was a negative because the positive for you doesn't register on our radar like streeter was happy his wife was happy, his friends and family on the East Coast were happy.

Right. I mean, all of my wife and my family were happy. Yeah, but I was mad. I was like, I stewed. And you knew, you knew that his parents

would be like, oh, this is such a great opportunity for you. The other thing is, I knew that it was only going to be, it was the day before we went to London.

Yeah. And I knew it would only be like four days, but I knew it was only, I knew i was like stressed that day yeah and then the two shows in london would be like sad and hard without streeter but after that it'd be fine but like i wanted him to come to berlin yeah basically i was like this is one week of inconvenience and then a lifetime of happiness for streeter and his friends and family and yet and i was like i want to be happy it burned you what i wanted it's what we wanted i couldn't smile about it yeah it stung you hard and i'm sorry about it i'm the congratulations text that i sent you was like it was sent through clenched teeth and i was like hitting the phone so hard it almost cracked he was

so mad he had to go through somebody else that he texted congratulations to and just copied and pasted. You couldn't even type out the words. I did a Google search for salutations until a synonym came up, and then I copied and pasted that. Wait, who did the London show instead of me? That's a good question. Two local comedians. How were they? They were pretty funny.

One guy was a Canadian, actually, and one guy was a local from Manchester. But it was cool to have like like we were talking about it now we prefer that prefer it that way to have like a local comic uh oh and stay on me yeah right exactly so it would be like a no streeter themed show so it's just like whoever isn't me yeah so it could also be people from la or new york like i don't mind if somebody travels with us as long that'd be be nice to have a friend. Yeah. I feel like you guys

are being, you know, I felt like I was pretty cool when you just sort of announced that you were moving to LA and I knew I wasn't

going to go with you and I feel like I was pretty cool that I said that's great. We thought you'd follow suit. Yeah, we thought you were

going to come. That's why we hosted you out in LA soA. so often. Oh, now you're putting that on me. I've been staying with you guys for a long time. It was so nice when you did. I loved when you stayed with us. I had my whole routine.

I would drink all your agave syrup. Yeah. We had iced coffees in the afternoon. I think we left a box of baseball cards in that house. Oh, I have so many baseball cards. They all turned to mush. Nobody wants them. If anyone listening wants a baseball card,

just email me. Your cousin didn't want them, that's who you brought them back for. Yeah, yeah, no one wants them. I guess you shouldn't have bought 16 cartons of them. I was mad with power.

They were so cheap. All right. Oh, wait. We have to take a small little break and thank one more sponsors. But we'll be right back with more Streeter after these. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon

code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people and we're back i love the ad so much what did you want to say real quick before i moved on yeah of course i wanted to uh to offer our condolences to the guys from car real the guy from car the one

that both of them fuck me i suck but we we started this podcast loosely based on their podcast. Right. That was our inspiration. Well, your inspiration. I had never listened to the show. Right. And I think I showed you an episode. You won't now.

Yeah, I refuse to. Well, now there's... Yeah. You won't do it. So what was his name? Ray Magliozzi. Oh. He's a good man.

Funny man. Did they know how he died? Alzheimer's. Really? Yeah. That is gone. Good man. Funny man. Did they know how he died? Um, Alzheimer's. Really? Yeah. That is sad. That sucks. That was the first time we talked about a real death on the show.

Things actually got real. For real. It happened. Was that the first time you talked about a real death? Yeah, probably. I don't know. R.I.P. Who listens to this anyway?

I know I don't. Amir, if you die, would you want me to give like a funny eulogy or like a touching one? I assume it's me, right? It's me. Sure. I think it would be, it would have to be funny and then like a little sad poignant at the end. Kind of like a roast. It's so hard to make it sad.

Oh, that'd be. Everyone's having such a good time. You don't want to kill the room, you know? Yeah. It would be pretty cool if it was just biting and then like everyone would come up to you and be like, what was that?

And then like the people that really knew me, like, no, no, no. If you knew Amir, he wouldn't want it to be touching. Like that. Yeah. Like that's what he,

like I feel like. It's so just sarcastic the whole time. Yeah. It was like when one of the Monty Python people died, like one of the eulogists was just like really mad

and everyone's like, that was actually the sweetest thing he could do because that's what he would have appreciated the most. Should we get to one or maybe two more questions? Yeah, I mean I prefer one. Yeah, I know. You got to go.

Where do you have to go? Probably back to fucking work or something, prioritizing shit over this. I have a week off right now. I assure you I do. I don't want any more of this nonsense about you being mad at me. Such a funny way to say it. Not that you actually have to apologize, but it's like if someone's mad at you, it's like, I don't want this

nonsense about you being mad at me. This is nonsense that you're mad at me. I don't want to deal with it. That's how British people get mad at each other. You being mad at me is a bad idea. It's nonsense. It's foolishness and nonsense.

It's nonsensical. So stop not making sense. Alright, this is a girl. A girl named Ad Rock. Is that the one that died? So we talked about a death on this podcast already? Oh yeah. Who did die?

No, no, no. MCA died. Adam Yaw. No. I don't know. I said in the beginning that I wasn't a huge Beastie Boys fan. We appreciate both of them. No. You made me put my phone on airplane mode.

This is about Magliozzi, okay? We're not going to make it a memoriam for two people. Alright, alright, alright. Ad Rock writes, but it's a girl named Adrock. Hey guys, this may seem small, but it's been bugging me for a while. Unfortunately, I have a crush on my really cute friend who's kind of a player. For example, when he goes out to parties, he makes out with attractive girls that he meets. On Monday, he proudly walks into class with hickeys covering his neck

because he made out with a friend over the weekend in her dorm room. It ate away at me throughout the entire class until I finally caved and casually asked him how he got them. The first thing this jerk said was that it took me way too long for me to notice them. He's been strutting around like he's friggin' Brad Pitt since he got them. I'm worried that this boost to his ego means pretty soon he'll choose another girl to be with, and I'll never get a shot at him. My question is, when a guy like him

lets a girl put hickeys on his neck, does he like her? Or is he just in need of a major ego boost since he hasn't hooked up with a girl in more than six months? Thanks. It says six months. That doesn Wait, we're all on. It says six months.

That doesn't make sense then. She said this dude's a player and he's making out with girls left and right. Yeah, I think he's just, the basic question is, well, I mean, there's a large issue at hand, but her question is, when a guy lets a girl put hickeys on his neck, does he like her or is he just in need of a major ego boost? I feel like the problem is that this girl really wants this guy and she's trying to be like, oh, this player loser comes in with hickeys and it's so hot and I want him. And is it normal or he sucks? But isn't he sexy?

Yeah. Which you're so conflicted. She's super conflicted, yeah. But this guy does sound kind of like a jerk because he's like, I can't believe how long it took you to notice my hickeys. I don't know. He could just be saying that. In his world, they're just friends.

And friends notice shit about each other and would call that out right away. Be like, what is that, dude? You know? So he's mad at him for being a player. And then, like, he's acting like a player. She can't be mad at him for being a player and then also especially if she's... She can't be mad at him for being a player and then also like him. Right. Like, oh, this guy's such a jerk.

Especially because I want him to fuck me. What are your thoughts? What is your stance on hickeys? I feel like that's... Maybe it was school and high school or college. I mean, definitely I wouldn't want hickeys on my neck now. It's pretty scummy. Because why?

Because why is it embarrassing? It's not embarrassing, but, like, I think it's hard to hit on a girl. Well, maybe it's not. It seems like it's working for this guy. Right. It's kind of like buying condoms. It's embarrassing, but you're basically admitting that you are getting some. But it's still shameful in a way.

It is shameful because it's, like, it's not shameful. It's just you don't want it it's a very like it's the only like outward display that you like got lucky you know it's like so it's like a stain that lets everyone know about your private life and not that that's a problem but it's like if you're confident and cool you don't need to talk about that right it's like you wouldn't want to wear a shirt that says, I got laid last night. Right. Yeah. People who are so like... Being covered in hickeys too is like somebody maybe kissed you too hard.

Yeah. That like doesn't necessarily... You look like a lady murder. If you have like a bunch of hickeys on your neck, it almost looks like you had weird bad sex. But if someone was like, if you were hooking up with a lady and she starts giving you a hickey, would you say stop or push her away? I will. I don't think I like

the sensation that that like somebody's sucking on my neck really hard I would probably be like this isn't hot I don't think I would I wouldn't be like

hey stop this isn't hot but I would definitely like flinch away I would move yeah I would not allow that to be happening

but you've had hickeys before in my life I've seen you with hickeys like six months ago you have three hickeys before in my life i've seen you with hickeys like six months ago you have three hickeys right now yeah but it's cool when i do it i'm a player surprise it took you guys as long as notice so what would you tell this girl is she reading too much into it is she yeah this guy doesn't like have hickeys from this girl because he likes her he wants i mean if anything he's broadcasting these hickeys

for other girls right I think he just like in the heat of the moment if a girl's like I'm gonna give you a hickey you're not

you know I don't know how old he is but like if they're in like high school or something you're not gonna stop it yeah you're like just yeah whatever

go ahead as long as we can like keep making out hickeys are so embarrassing I would hate to have a hickey. I wonder if I've ever had a hickey. I know I've never had locks. If you have to think about it, you have it.

I think you have. I've seen you with a hickey, I think. Maybe, like, I guess there are different levels of hickey. It used to be a thing. Like, girls would, like, I remember in, like, eighth grade, it'd be like, I'm going to give you a hickey. Right. And then you'd be like, I present you neck.

And they're like, give me five minutes. Yeah. First, all the capillaries in your neck i do have like uh i don't know if it's a vision of my own memory or like just a tv or movie show our tv show or movie where like girls like come on let me give you a hickey like no i don't want a hickey and the girl's like no i really want to give you a hickey is it good for a girl to give me it's like a dog marking their territory it's like the human equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree because i've been here and this is mine right and then it's like the human equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree. It's like, I've been here

and this is mine. Right, and then it's like, you have to say where you got it. Oh yeah, who gave you that hickey? Yeah.

Who gave you that hickey? Right. It was fucking so lame. It's like your hatred of Facebook relationship posts. You don't like saying that. I think if you really, like,

this girl's worried, like, does that mean he likes that girl? It does not mean that he likes that girl. If anything, he's like, excited about other girls giving him pinkies.

I think the hickey thing, she's getting hung up on the wrong thing here. She's found some little weird detail about him and decided it's the big deal. And she's reading into it a lot because what she really doesn't want to do is read into her own feelings. And admit that if she wanted to be with him she should make a move she should be the one giving him hickeys

and she needs to let him know that you know she can't get mad at him for just being a guy and you know hooking up

if he's hooking up if he's a player then like you can't be like I want to be with this guy and like he's already getting hickeys

from other girls he can't be mad at him don't be with this guy. And he's already getting hickeys from other girls. He can't be mad at them. Don't enter this with the expectation that you're going to change him. Right. Because that's what girls used to do to you. They think they're like, oh, I want to change Jake. Yeah, yeah. I'll tame that beast.

Yeah. But it's not going to happen. No, no. The opposite. It only makes me more wild. They throw gasoline on the fire and then I get singed in the hickeys. What if it's not even hickeys?

What if he's just bruising? Like if you touch it and it's a soft me leaf, like it's almost like a me leaf hair. He just has a weak neck. It's a bunch of cysts. Oh God. He has some really, really bad ingrown hairs. The best thing she can do is just be like,

oh, like really, really passively. She's like, huh, those are gross. And then it'll just eat away at him. Find two other of your friends to tell him they look gross. Yeah. She should say, I could give you a better one. Oh. On your fucking...

On your taint. On your knob top. Give me one on your knob top, sir. Why? Is neck where the hickeys are the most prevalent, or is that just the only place where hickeys can happen because the skin is so thin? I think you can get them wherever.

Have you seen cupping? It's that weird Eastern healing method where they heat up cups, these little bowls, and they put them on your back, and then they pop them off, and you're left with these crazy circle bruises everywhere. I wonder what the, what's the science of hickey? You suck the, you suck so much that the blood, it gets from the inside of the vein out and

towards the skin. It's like you're, you create a vacuum and like nature pours a vacuum so things want to fill it, you know? So the blood is actually just going through the veins that they're in and then towards the skin. I think it's busting out little capillaries or whatever. I think it's breaking.

You can almost get a hickey so deep and just keep sucking until it comes out of your blood. I don't know if you can suck the blood straight through the skin without biting it. Isn't that what leeches happen? Leeches pierce. I don't know if you could suck the blood straight through the skin without biting it. Your skin's tough. Isn't that what leeches happen? Isn't that what leeches do?

Leeches pierce. You pierce the skin. Of course. But it's like if you took a vacuum and stuck the nozzle on you and left it there and cranked it up, you'd probably get a little bruise. Would it just start bleeding? No. It would internally. Internally bleeding.

I love when our podcast evolves into three idiots theorizing what is it can you do that I know of course give me your arm

I'll give you a hickey on your arm we'll see what you do until you're just spitting out blood I remember giving myself an arm hickey oh yeah

that's a thing so you can't but the skin on your arm is maybe thin like the skin on your neck yeah it's like on my bicep area.

Okay, last question because we're running out of time. Why don't you get hickeys? Can you get a hickey on your penis? Oh, I don't think so. But why not? Because your dick skin is totally different skin. It feels like thin skin. No, it's like a bat wing.

It's like super elastic and stretchy and stuff. Jake, you've seen porn. Any dick hickeys? I've never seen a dickie. Maybe if you got an erection and then someone tried to give you a hickey, it might work. Because otherwise, the blood's just going to go to your penis and fill it up. Oh, I'm not talking about the head. I'm talking about maybe the underside.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Of course. Yeah. I don't know. But the whole purpose of your dick is for blood to flow to it. So if you're trying to get blood to flow there, it already has a thing it does when it does that. Yeah, it's called a phono. Which is getting monstrously huge and gnarly.

And it's cool and big. phono. It's monstrously huge and gnarly and it's cool and big. All right. That's our time. Do you want to plug anything before you have to go? I guess I'll plug my

podcast. Oh, yeah. What is it? The Talk of Shame. It's the Talk of Shame. Oh, man. This stony theme song. It has it all.

Talkofshameshow.com. You guys have been on it. Yeah. We'll be on it again. Yeah. More. We have to be on yours six times now We'll be on it again. Yeah. More. We have to be on yours six times now.

That was the deal. We've only had 13 episodes. That was the deal. We want to be on half of them. We should also say that we have a live show coming up because it might, it is coming up, if this is Monday, November 9th, and we have a live show at the Hollywood Improv Alive podcast on Thursday, November 13th, which is so soon. So please come out.

It's fun. You get to watch the podcast live, and then we hang out. We just have fun. I'm just hearing about this. I don't know if I'll be able to make it. You guys need to give me more heads up. Are you off that week? No, but I mean, I can maybe try.

Wow. Again, even if we wanted you, again, you couldn't because you have a job in New York, I guess. Oh, boy. Here we go. All right. That opening theme song was written by Pete Bradford. And this closing one is from a guy named Anderson. So thank you, Pete and Anderson.

And if you guys have any questions or theme song submissions or thumbnail submissions of your own, send it to ifirewshow at gmail.com. Thanks, Streeter. Sure. See ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. I want to know how my podcast works or how you can contact them. Scanning photos or emails on mom.

If I were you, right here on Podcast One. Join me and my guests, people like Zach Galifianakis, John Hamm, Carola Hardwick-Rogan, everybody. Track my rage against middle age, FitzDog Radio, on Podcast One.