Segments - 115: Groupies

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss/sing about jealousy and genital surgery. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Prosper.com, and DraftKings.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Episode one. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if

you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m.f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do uh this episode was unbelievable what happened and it was just it transcended It was more than a podcast, I feel like. I feel like it was like, it was borderline, it was borderline a 3D HD television slash movie experience. Would you say it was a religion? I would say, I think it really was church. I think it was temple. I think it was synagogue and mosque.

I think this episode wasn't being watched. I'll take you to church. All right. Well, things got real in joy. If I were you, it's a podcast where they answer questions. You got Jake and Amir and you know they're such a blessing. If you want some advice, he's the place and it's true. Well, they might answer back with a,

Yo, dude, you! Here's the cheese. Kill yourself in a Starbucks. They'll put you on blast if you're coming up on hard luck. Last thing, here's the email. It's the cheese. Kill yourself in a Starbucks. They'll put you on blast if you're coming up on hard luck. Last thing, here's the email. It's the bomb. If I were you, show at gmail.com. That's true, man.

Our email address is the bomb. Don't you think? You idiot. The best part of the show is our email address uh thanks mike graham you jerk he did good and you made fun of us he did not insult when he said we put people on blast when they're in a dire situation or whatever he said that's true we do put them on blast and they are in a dire situation fine our email address is the bomb it's a power you show at gmail.com thanks buddy that was good i like i like piano and rap

yeah rappers don't really do that they don't do it enough yeah i can't see marshall just sitting at uh a concert you know why because uh that actually, Fabulous made Ray J mad when he said that Fabulous looked like an F at Mayweather's pad when he played piano. Oh, man, oh, man. That was a 24-7 special on the cable channel. Right, because Fab went on the radio the very next day. Oh, yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Yeah. Yeah. Lyric's coming at you at supersonic speed hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake um we should uh in one of the episodes do the i should do the fast rapping part yeah yeah i can do it now but i fear that it won't be impressive without like the actual song in the background right right yeah if i do it maybe at our live podcast is this coming out after the live podcast i think so so maybe we'll have already done it

yeah how exciting is that remember that one that had already happened but not released yet try to follow that timeline. How are you feeling? I'm feeling... Hand down the pants. One button open on the shirt, or one button shut on a shirt. One button done. Yeah, and it's really, it's odd. It's not the button you would expect.

It's probably the least popular one button done on a shirt. Yeah. It's like the third button down. I see, I understand that. So it's two buttons open, one button done, then four buttons open. Yeah. Can I take a picture?

Sure. All right. Just in case you want to post it online. It's kind of a fun visual because people don't know what I see. All right. Got it. Cool.

Oh, wait. Your eyes are closed. You don't even know when I'm were how do you your eyes are closed you you don't even know when i'm taking the photo and your eyes are closed you're so bad at keeping your eyes open i know wait don't take the don't take it why because you want to flex i want to i want to yeah oh i know i want to not be smiling yeah yeah of course i'm flexed right now anyway all right that's as good as it's gonna get no no please i already took it we're back in your cabin what you want another photo yeah jesus christ dude don't wait don't take it while i'm laughing all right this is so dumb it's already been 45 minutes we have to take

a photo all right ready no i'll never be able to do it now god we had a bet uh an instagram bet or an idea for stakes for a bet where the loser has to post a selfie on instagram right so if you lose i get to choose the photo of you and the caption right would you choose this photo no selfie no no yeah one it's like this picture is too silly i would want it to like seem so natural right like you actually did it and the caption couldn't be a joke because i would have to make it seem like you wanted to do that too i would yeah i think this is sad like two hashtags yeah like i like i want new followers but i don't want to like but i'm a little too insecure to do more than that yeah like hashtag selfie sunday hashtag i don't know what the other one hashtag likes for likes what does that mean i

think that's like if you like my photos i'll like yours oh that's good people get mad at me for not liking their photos on instagram i've had two separate friends that don't necessarily talk to each other come like address the fact that i comment on their photo but not like it like that was a huge slap in the face really yeah like i'm not allowed to comment on a photo and uh without liking it first that's interesting i wouldn't care at all i'm gonna put jesse on blast jesse he's earned it i can't believe that he'd be the one yeah but he noticed he also has a private instagram account oh wow so he really the quality of likes and comments do really mean a lot to yeah because i understand but i'm like if you want if

you want more likes why don't you open it does he want more likes he's like no one likes he wants less people to view his photos and more people to like them that makes no sense uh so what oh this show how does it work people email us if i reshow at gmail.com and they want our advice is that okay to say i think that's okay to say you think that's fair is that all right is that legally am i overstepping my bounds to say and then we read these emails and try to offer them advice on this podcast. So, shall we get started? Can I read this email? Let's do it, baby. I need a name.

I need a name. I got a name. Like a vine, jayvine, and a vine and road. I've got a name. Remember the one where we answered questions and sang a song about them? Yeah, that was nice. Should we do that this time? Where's your guitar?

Downstairs. Should we do that? Yeah, you want me to go grab it? Okay, I'll edit it so it's like as if you just got it right. Snap my fingers. Here we go. Like a genie. You hit my computer off the bed.

I break my ankle running downstairs. I got it. Oh my God, that was so fast. Instantaneous. He snapped, and then two seconds later, you were back with the guitar, and it was in tune. Crazy. Yeah, it was in tune, too. All right, let me read this question.

Let's say this is from Lisa Loeb. Love it. Lisa Loeb writes, so here's my problem. I'm a 19-year-old girl from the UK, and I've just started my first year of university. My boyfriend is 18, and in his final year of college, about an hour and a half away from me. We've been together for nearly six months,

and everything is going really great despite being long distance. I can honestly say it's the best relationship I've ever been in, except for one little thing. My boyfriend and I are both musicians. I'm a singer and he's a drummer, and we also both play guitar. We were in the same music class at college, which is how we met, but when I went to university, he stayed on to take another year, which happens quite a lot. The thing is this. Since the beginning of the year, my boyfriend has made a real impression on the first year girls. When I went to visit him at college one

time, they actually screamed his name when he walked past, and apparently that happens a lot. We also went to a firework display together, and a group of girls started screaming his name and ran over and literally threw themselves into his arms. I love my boyfriend, and I trust him completely. I just want to know, when we go out in public, how do I deal with these groupies? Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks, guys. Lisa Loeb. She's dating a hot musician. Yeah. in public how do i deal with these groupies any help would be much appreciated thanks guys lisa lobe she's dating a hot musician yeah and then all the girls love them yeah what are you gonna do well you can't i feel like you can't be mad at them you can't get jealous that's true

you can't because all that happens when you look jealous is like, wow, all these hot girls love me and my girlfriend's mad at me all the time. Yeah, I think I prefer to be with the groupie. Yeah, because they're not jealous of me. Yeah, they're better than you. But I've seen this movie before. Which is what? He's going to fade away. It's over.

Because he's a hot musician? I don't think it's going to last. Because he's too hot? He's going to fade away. It's over. Because he's a hot musician? I don't think it's going to last. Because he's too hot? He's too hot. So you're saying it's possible to have a boyfriend that's too hot. You want to go a little under the hottest person you can get. I just don't think you want to date somebody that's just for the first time coming into their hotness. Oh.

Because they're going to inevitably want to explore that. And why shouldn't they? Yeah, they've earned it. I don't know. It's just a little, I don't want to be, I don't want to say romance is dead. You know,

I don't want to not believe in it, but I just think he's like first time he's in college for the first time. He's getting attention from these girls. Yeah. He might be interested. It might not just be like, how do I act around these girls? It's like,

how is he going to act around these girls when I'm not here? But you got to realize that what if they actually are girls that he's not interested in? Right. Or they're just fans of his music. Maybe they don't want to bone him. No, no, no. It's probably fans of him. But you got to be able to trust your boyfriend enough to not bone them, right?

Right. Well, I guess I would talk to him and see what his attitude is and you'd be like um do you actually secretly want to have sex with all these people oh yes i do i do thanks for asking i can't believe i cannot tell a lie all right yeah i secretly do want to have sex you know i have lots of boy fans back at my home i mean we have fans and you don't go around boning every one of them. Yes, I do. I've boned every one from Timbuktu to Toronto and back. Isn't it the same thing?

I mean, like, fans are fans. I mean, I guess your boyfriend could have a crush on anybody. Nobody's nobody, and then some people are really hot, and you want to fuck them. And then you're like, oh, this girl's hot, and now she's a fan, so now it's going to be easy. So now I you want to fuck them. And like, and then you're like, Oh, this girl's hot. And now she's a fan. So now it's going to be easy. So now I really want to do it. Right.

And that's probably what he's thinking. Cause he's a guy. Cause he's a monster like me. Everybody is. Uh, I think that if you really want to play it cool, you got to just act like it's no big deal. Even if it is kind of a big deal. That's the song. Yeah. What? Oh, act like it's no big deal, even if it is kind of a big deal.

That's the song. Yeah. What? Oh, act like it's no big deal? Holy shit. This is happening. Yeah. If you want to play it cool, just act like it's no big deal Even if it is

But then it's cool Oh, me? Yeah. Don't act like it's a big deal Cause it's not It's small like a McDonald's meal 99 cents, it's a penny less than a dollar so don't make sure

he doesn't holler he'll trust you if you trust him back just give him a little slack don't tighten the leash or a Big Mac guy trust me it's like eating a happy meal it fills you up but it doesn't

leave you feeling good that's's right. Jealousy rots away at your relationship a lot like a McDonald's happy meal over time. Of course, it seems like it's a fine thing at first, but over time you're going to feel nauseous and angry and you'll have diarrhea. That's right. That's how the metaphor works. So act like it's no big deal act like a no big deal no big deal no big deal break up with him yep don't do it this is the one this is the one time i'm saying don't break up he's not doing anything wrong yeah you're not doing anything that's true yeah she's just

jealous he's not doing anything wrong you're just jealous she's not even jealous she's just saying how do i react jealous otherwise she wouldn't have wrote in if she wasn't jealous don't worry it's no it's actually another song I wrote called You're Just Jealous. It's actually about an ex that I had already written. Yeah, I got groupies. Yeah, they're floozies. We're going to go to the movies. And I don't care what you tell us because you're just jealous.

Act like it's no big deal. That's my advice. You got to act cool. But maybe that's just me. You say you like jealousy a little bit in girls? I like it's no big deal. That's my advice. You got to act cool. But maybe that's just me. You say you like jealousy a little bit in girls? I like it a little bit. I think a tiny little bit of jealousy is healthy. Sure.

If somebody's jealous all the time, it's a turn off. But if I hear a girl be like, oh, I hate that person. I'm jealous of that person. Then I'm like, oh, you like me.'m jealous of that person then i'm like oh you like me that's cool you're like keeping an eye out but not like i'm jealous of every i'm jealous of when you talk to your sister on the phone because it's like taking time away from me that's a scary amount right yeah because what if she thinks you want to fuck your sister of course of course that's totally understandable Then I would think she was insane.

And that'd be extra hot, actually. Here's the theory, not a theory, but my thought on jealousy. How do I phrase this? When I talk to somebody that I'm not interested, I know that I don't feel anything, but a girl that I'm seeing might not understand or they can't feel what I feel. Right.

So in their brain, I could have a secret crush on this person. I could be physically attracted to them when, in fact, I feel nothing at all. So when I talk to some ladies and I feel nothing at all, I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. And then it's like, oh, why were you talking to this person? It makes me feel uncomfortable. And I'm like, why? I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. And then it's like, oh, why were you talking to this person? It makes me feel uncomfortable. And I'm like, why? I don't understand. Don't you know what I feel like exactly?

And I feel like if you have a lot of faith in someone, they sort of know or they understand that you don't feel anything for other people. What do you think about that? I, like, she, the... You think you'd never feel anything for anybody that you talk to no i disagree i think that sometimes you do i think sometimes you're talking to like attract you've had crushes on people before while you're in a relationship yeah and that's normal and that's healthy and that's fine sure and as long as you're not i just think it's it's it's

less about like you be in my head and know that i didn't feel anything but sometimes i do but usually i don't and that time i didn't you're not in my head and know that I didn't feel anything, but sometimes I do, but usually I don't. And that time I didn't, you're not in my head. Yeah. I think all you can do is be like, you trust me to never take anything too far. So if I'm flirting with somebody in like a completely normal way,

like trust me that I know the lines that, that I shouldn't cross. Right. I think that's more of like, you're not in my head but more like trust me to cut it off you don't have a good dude right yeah yeah that's what i would say i'm not gonna do anything that wrong right but then all that's like sort of lets jealousy come in because of course like if you're talking to a girl and you're smiling and flirting and they know you're

not gonna like go sneak around and fuck her right but you're like still oh amir is getting like a tiny little boner in his pants yeah just the the softest half chub yeah because i like smiling his arm during this drink he's like no you don't that girl doesn't get to give you that pleasure you don't get to get pleasure out of this interaction the half chub i'm gonna take you away the problem is other other past boyfriends ruin it for future boyfriends like if a girl's been cheated on a bunch she has no reason to trust. It's hard to, like, start with a blank slate every time. Yeah. Because she's like, oh, all boys will cheat.

That's true. A lot of people are, you know, the sum of all their dating experiences. Yeah. Fuck. You're ruining it for me. Because I'm a cheater? Yeah. Yeah, you should just be cheating.

It's so fun. Yeah, I might as well. If I'm already assumed guilty, I might as well commit the crime. There you go. Nah, I'm too scared to cheat. I don't think I'm a good guy for not cheating. I think I'm just a huge scaredy. You're a pussy.

Yeah, I'm too much of a pussy to cheat. Trust me, I want to. Yeah, I wish I could. I'll ruin a relationship in a million other ways. I will. I'll try. All right. Next question. This one, oh wait. So final advice was act like it's no big deal act like it's no big deal yeah yeah stop being jealous

yeah uh this guy we'll call him eric clapton wrote recently i noticed that i had a bump on my penis i told my mother and we went to the doctor my doctor said it was just extra skin that grew on the inside of my shaft. My doctor said that it can be removed, but if I did get it removed, I might lose some length. While the bump doesn't hurt or cause any problems, I feel as though girls might be afraid of it,

like if they were sucking and this weird bump was just there. Do I keep the bump or remove it and risk losing some length? Thanks, Eric Clapton. Is the bump on the tip? No, I think it's on the shaft. it and risk losing some length? Thanks. Eric Clapton. Is the bump on the tip? No, I think it's on the shaft.

So how would it lose length? Maybe they have to like cut off, like almost like slice off a cross section of his penis. And like, it's kind of like a Jenga when you remove one of the inside middle pieces and then the rest of it just falls. I would probably remove it. You would? Yeah. Why? Because I would rather have it. You would? Yeah. Why? Because I would rather have a smooth shaft than a bump.

But I would rather not remove it because it's like, I don't want to have to go into penile surgery. Yeah. It seems like there's a lot happening there. If there's anything wrong with my penis, I would take care of it immediately. Like, I haven't gotten my blood pressure checked. I haven't gone to the dentist. I don't shower regularly of course but if there was like an issue with my penis it would

be immediately dealt with your penis is number one yeah your dick is the number one priority my dick controls me it's my heart mind body and soul you're so you want to treat it as such well i'm sort of treating it so well that like i don't even want to go under the knife i want to leave it as is in its natural state yeah but if its natural state is uh a little unhealthy a little grotesque i think my penis is my master and i will serve my master it's not it's not unhealthy it's just uh it's a bump it's extra skin of course and does that result in you know freaking out some gals maybe there's a rumor spread about your penis all of a sudden maybe you've got genital herpes that's possible too i really have to see your penis buddy i'd have to

just i'd like to see your dick yeah is that the song if i suck it if i suck it and don't notice the bump then we're good. Maybe that's how you can floss. You can finally take care of your teeth and somebody else's penis in one. Yeah, perfect. I'll just put toothpaste on it and then blow you. That's actually not a terrible idea. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that... Should I get the guitar? Is that the song? Is that the song? Okay, it's an oral hygiene song about oral sex. It's called... We don't know yet, but inspiration is striking. You want to start?

Okay. Hey girl, your teeth are looking a little yellow So I have an idea Why don't you get down there And fillet this fella Put some cream on my shaft And go to town I don't want your teeth yellow Gray or brown.

I want them white and crispy and smooth and right. So why don't you suck my D tonight? Suck my dick while I have toothpaste on the shaft. I want to know that you're cleaning your mouth while you're cleaning my taft. William Howard, that's what I call it. He's the fattest president. So don't make a dent

and don't make a spearmint. Rhino. My dick is your toothbrush. All right, here we go My dick is your toothbrush And my balls are your floss Get down on your knees Cause your mouth looks like moss Stand calm as Listerine

If you know what I mean You will have such good hygiene Blow me tonight I put Colgate on my dick It's getting sticky So suck it right quick Blow me right now I put Crest on my shaft

If you want I'll stick it in your mom's Stop listening to the podcast Of course. Of course. It's too late. That's a song by the worst dentist in the world. A molester, really.

That was fun. That was a good one, I think. Thank you. Yeah, it always starts off a little rough. My dick is your toothbrush. my balls are the floss yeah come as listerine come as listerine i was excited when i had that in my head i liked how you took it to uh presidents yeah well i had to write something with a shaft oh right yeah so taft i was gonna rhyme ass with it oh that's good but uh so uh uh if i were you get rid of you would get rid of the question yeah you get rid of the bump for some length i would shave off the bump and i would

well i would get a second opinion be like can you do this without losing the length is there a bet is there like a cosmetic surgeon that i can go yeah because the way you're describing it right now, it seems physically impossible. That's not how things work. This dude, he's a quack, he's a hack, and he wants to take a whack. Yeah, so get your money back and get a second opinion.

But I would leave the bump. Maybe it's good. Natural. It's like ribbed. Ribbed for yours. That's something you can say to the girls when they pull out your penis and scream. It's ribbed for yours that's something you can say to the girls when they pull out your penis yeah it's ribbed for your pleasure no uh okay oh we need another female singer-songwritress

alanis for a set alanis writes i'm in a pinch that i think only crab claws can get me out of i'm 19 years old and just moved to a new city. At my job at a toy store, I was trained by a guy I quickly started crushing on hard. He's a fucking dollar bill, a geeky speed skater that seems to enjoy the witty banter we share. We talk about everything all day, and he seemed to really enjoy talking to me,

and we have lots in common and are both vegan and studying to be teachers. I really like him him but i'm only in the city until may i feel like what we could potentially have would hurt too much to leave when i do since i like him this much and it's only been a few weeks and i'm definitely not down for long distance i think the best thing to do would be just to just enjoy this experience with him and then break up amicably in a few months, assuming we last that long. So the thing is, I'm not sure if he's into me. I would think he is, except for the fact that he's four years older than me. He's still in university like me, but I feel like guys don't want to date younger girls. I have this huge complex about my age. I feel like guys won't even look at me seriously because I'm younger, even though I've been through quite a lot of shit in the past that made me grow up faster than other people my age.

And I've been out of high school for three years. I'm from Montreal, so we finish when we're 16. So my question is, would he not want to date me because I'm younger? Does he see me as a child and has written me off as unfuckable? I really want to seize his cheese, but he's also my superior at work and i wouldn't want things to get weird and if i do go for it how should i ask him out i don't want to ask him out casually to hang out outside of work and have him just laugh me off saying as if i'd want to hang out with you you pathetic teen help love so much context so much info there's too much there's so there's too much to tackle too much information what are you talking about so she's she has a crush on a guy they're both vegan

and she thinks he's a geeky hot speed skater they talk a lot at work and she's worried about like they don't want to she doesn't want to have an unhealth she doesn't want to have a hard breakup and she doesn't want to do distance she also doesn she doesn't want to have a hard breakup, and she doesn't want to do distance. She also doesn't know if he likes her. Right. And he's also, she's also afraid that guys don't want to date girls younger than them. I mean, that's obviously fine. Yeah.

We do. Yeah. Everybody likes, guys like younger girls. Why is that? I think there is like the, they give the impression or like, you know, the, you think of like young, tight bodied, fresh faced. There's something sexy about inexperience where you're like, oh, this person is like virginal. Yeah. Like more pure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Guys are disgusting. Yeah. That's what we're thinking. And yeah, so I so and like you know young girls it's sexy it always is this is my theory on why people like young girls okay or maybe this is just why i like younger girls um because there are different ways to have the upper hand in a relationship you can be more attractive you can be more smart you can be

more funny you can be this you can be that and being older is a way of having like an in like it's an indisputable objective way to have uh some sort of uh advantage in a relationship not like you're gonna take advantage but you just want to look better to the girl so like if i was if i was 22 i couldn't necessarily get a really attractive 22-year-old because, oh, we're the same age, and now it's coming down to other factors like attractiveness. And I'm like, okay, I'm average in attractiveness. But as an average-looking 31-year-old,

I'm more attractive to 22- to 25-year-olds because of my age. And you're knowledgeable because you're a live long girl. Yeah. I don't think you necessarily need to have an upper hand in any way, but I think I get And you're knowledgeable because you've been alive longer. Yeah. I don't think you necessarily need to have an upper hand in any way, but I think I get what you're saying, which is like they can admire something about you, which is that you're mature and older and you have a job. Yeah.

So I look better to younger girls than I do to girls my age. Yeah. Maybe that's because people have different value sets. Like girls might admire things like stability and the fact that you can hold down a job and your priorities are focused towards health and success. And guys look so like that, what the girls look for, what most ladies look for in a guy, guys just get with age. Right. Like it's hard to be stable and have a job and good stuff when you're right out of college. Interesting. So what I have at age 31 is better than what I had at age 22. But what you have right now is also attractive to 29 to 32 year olds right but you're not into that yeah you could like i mean the playing field is completely level there's no like you would have

your advantage the same advantage if you entered into a relationship with an older person now right i guess i know i wouldn't say 29 to 32 i would say like somebody older than me seems like for whatever reason a bigger red flag than someone younger than me. Well, somebody, yeah, someone that's older than 31, maybe it's a little scary because you don't want to settle down at all. Right. And I think the stigma for an older woman is like, she probably wants, yeah. They're on a biological timeline. Yeah, they want to settle this. They want to lock this up.

Yeah. Yeah. Because their ovaries aren't getting any more fertile. I feel like, I really think it's just that young girls have perkier tits. I really do. I really, really think. When you feel them, they're not saggy. They're high up, and they're soft, and they're nice, and they're good.

Yeah, they're harder, which is better. And they like me because I'm 29, and I have a car. I own a car. I've made enough cash to buy a car with it. I have a used truck, so I'm desirable for that reason. To them. So what would you tell this lady? One, don't worry.

It seems like this guy's into her. You're overthinking every aspect of your life. You have a crush on your boss at work, and you're already planning your breakup. Yeah. Just relax. Relax. That's the John Gabrus advice. breakup. Yeah. Just relax. Relax. That's the John Gabrus advice.

Oh, yeah. Just chill out. John Gabrus say relax. Guys like girls that are younger than them. Guys like girls that have similar hobbies and things about them. It seems like two vegans would get along. Guys like girls that aren't speculating about every single aspect of a relationship. Just take this as a new experience. Chill out.

Chill out and do not overanalyze, overthink, or rush into anything. So is it worth cutting it off before it even gets started? Or is it worth seeing through? Nothing has started. Yeah, nothing has happened yet. So I guess it's worth going slowly and letting things progress naturally rather than going hard. Don't go naturally rather than like going hard. Don't go ham on this.

Yeah. Should she ask him out? Is that okay for a girl to ask a guy out? I think it's always okay for a girl to ask a guy out, but if she's like this neurotic, maybe she should wait and try to get a better sign from him. If he's into her, I wonder if,

is that like a rule most girls still stick to is like, I will never ask a guy out. Um, or is that outdated? Old fashioned? I will never ask a guy out? Or is that outdated, old-fashioned? I feel like it's dated and old-fashioned, but at the same time, I've rarely been asked out by women. Right. Is it because girls can get any guy they want, so it's like, I might as well just make myself available,

and whoever wants it can ask me out? I don't know. I guess also, I think asking people out in general is a little dated i don't think i mean it doesn't happen that much it's also casual so maybe it is a little bit like a guy will say like instead of being like i'd like to take you out and i've got this spot for dinner and we'll get drinks and i'll plan the whole thing it's like hey what's up how are you how are you let me find out about each other like well let's we should hang out sometime i think that's been definitely it's like an ebb and a flow how's your what's the it are you getting questions like that on text to jake how can i

ask a girl out or a girl how can i ask a guy out yeah there is a lot of things like how do i like or actually it's a lot of i can't tell if this person likes me should i ask them out and the cool thing about that is you never, should I not say this? No, you can say it. This is, this is, This costs money. If you want your personalized response from Jake, go to textjake.com.

Still open for business. Jake is still dispensing advice. But his general advice right now is, you never have to be like, you never have to send out a, like, will you go out with me text? It can always just be like a let's hang out text.

And then like, based on their response, you know, if they like you or not, if they're like, if they're deflecting, then you know, no,

they don't like you. If they're like saying like, yeah, maybe we can all go like, and it's like, they turn into a group thing. They don't really like you. But like the cool thing is like giving them that lob, lob just like let's hang out or let's do this thing

it like allows them to really passively accept or reject you right so if you don't have to be like hey look i like you and i'd like to take you out because even if that person did like you that text might like really throw them off right so maybe you could just be like oh we should hang out some time yeah like what are you up to this weekend this thing's happening and then they could be That text might really throw them off. Right. So maybe you could just be like, oh, we should hang out sometime. Yeah. Like, what are you up to this weekend? This thing's happening. And then they could be like, oh, sweet.

Let's do it. Right. Whatever. There's lots of little tricks. Each one costs $5. I'm going to be rich. How rich? I'm going to buy a 2006 Toyota Tacoma.

That's how rich. So if you need your own help, text Jake.com at your service. What's the song for this person? She's overthinking everything. Yeah. Just chill out. Just relax. Oh, that's nice. A little relaxing music. Oh, okay. I wish I knew how to play reggae.

Isn't it just strumming on the up? Oh that's good I can't change chords That was very Jason Morazzi Yeah Okay I don't know if I can keep this up for the whole song It's too different than what you do

I can't do it it's upstroke dude you gotta give me an hour to practice before you throw me into this gauntlet you're pissed it's really it sounds like it's the start of something yeah but then it's like it's just so hard to keep upstroking it's like it goes against everything my fingers want to do yeah all right fine we'll do it but i can't sing anything

i don't know how how much this is gonna piss people off turn the mic more towards you yeah yeah yeah yeah what if god all right pretty girl you need to relax to take a chill pill And lay on your back So you gotta not make a big deal Out of every little thing Even though Jake can't sing I wanna give him a try

Cause I think he can He can tell you How to relax to your man You gotta chill out Enjoy the ride. Don't be cynical and don't be snide. Cause girl. I'll just change the chords.

And girl. You gotta relax. Oh God. They're not all going to be balls come listering. Some of them will be a struggle, and some of them will come well. I mean, number 41 by Dave Matthews wasn't written in the night. Exactly. Rome wasn't built in a single hour. Yeah.

So, overall, chill. And you'll have fun. Yeah. and i think this guy likes you has anybody ever overdosed on chill pills let's take a break okay and uh thank one more sponsor and then we'll be back with our break brb thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings shalom shalom uh break time thoughts on my pants they are very very hip they're hip. Yeah. Yeah. Too hip? I don't...

They're too hip for me. If you're comfortable in them, then that's great. Yeah. They don't look bad. Sure. They... Well... I personally would never wear them.

Of course. But they look fine on you. And personally, if I owned them, I'd'd kill myself but you can pull them off but for me for me i want to douse them in gasoline while they're on you and burn them do you know what i'm saying i'm saying i hear that you don't like them no they're i think they're here's the story i went into a store that has like cool clothes clothes that cool people wear right that not necessarily i own like i own regular clothes and then this place is like yeah this is like the medium is tight on the shoulders and then like goes way past your dick like those are the shirts

they're sort of baggy in some places and then i tried on the pants and they're tight around my calves uh and baggy around my crotch they have a drop crotch which i guess is like a thing now drop crotch joggers yeah that's what they are but they don They have a drop crotch, which I guess is like a thing now. They're drop crotch joggers. Yeah. That's what they are. But they don't have a cuff at the bottom. Yeah, they're sort of like a fancy pants version of the jogger. Yeah. Because it doesn't have the elastic cuff.

So it's pleated. It looks like, I was saying it looks like jockey pants. Yeah, like a horse riding pant. Here's what I don't mind. I don't mind the tightness around the calves. They're fine. I enjoy the slim fittedness. I don't understand the bagginess around the crotch that's a thing now yeah dropped crotch i i don't want to say i'm not gonna do it because or i'm never gonna do it because then like i can imagine just eating my words in a year yeah remembering that i said it

but i really really really really don't think i'm going to do it. But it feels like this, everything is like that. Like, oh, I feel uncomfortable buttoning my shirt all the way up, and then you do it. Yeah, that's true. But I think there's different levels of cool. Like, this is not the kind I mean, there are different fashions in every single walk and facet of life. And this is not one that I'm What is this type of cool? I don't know, like... Is it like British teenagers? Yeah, it's too young. It's British teenagers. Urban high schoolers. Yeah, that's what it is, urban high schoolers. So it makes it look like I'm sagging

when I'm not. My pants are pulled up all the way, and then the fabric below my penis extends like four inches below where it should end. Yeah. Yeah. And then everything below that point is tight. Barely really tight. Yeah, very tight. Uh-huh.

And so I'm going to give them a spin today. Why not? See what happens. You did spend $400 on them. Well, I got them. They're on a special sale. It was 125%. This place is so cool.

They jack up the prices. Yeah, and then you're like holy shit as you're checking out they tell you all the places you could have gotten it for cheaper and you have to be cool with it yeah they're like you can't if you even stutter or like don't smile during that part billy they won't sell you the pants it is funny like some stores are so expensive and i guess the people there are just desensitized to it. It's like, yeah, so this is a sweater that we have and it's $450. And like, what am I supposed to react to that? You're like, cool, cool. Yeah.

And I can't just be like, clearly I'm not going to spend rent on sweater. I think with clothes, it's, that's normal because like, it's all about the quality and the care they took to make them. Like there's only this many sweaters and they were all like done by hand by this designer and they're like they're comfortable and they fit really well yeah then like you'll go into some like boutique store that sells bullet whiskey for 52 dollars i know i can get this at the grocery store down the street for 30 but it doesn't have a handmade label tied with a little rope with things that are like so with um with things that are you know subjective or something like clothes you're like okay i understand charging more because like

this tastemaker made it but then there are also things that just get jacked up for no reason because like meyer's hand soap is more expensive at a boutique grocery store than it is at trader joe's yeah it's like that they want they know that you got the disposable income to spend a little bit more on soap it's okay dude it's it's not i'm gonna make my own soap i really am i think all it really takes is like egg whites and eucalyptus i think that's how you bake it or some shit i think i'll do it. I'll either eat it or use it as soap. If I use like eucalyptus, egg whites. Yeah, you're describing a frittata.

I'm serious. And then a little, and then candle wax. No, that's a quiche. And a little bit of elbow grease. You just got yourself a bar of soap. And you can eat it if you're in the shower and it's a little runny and you're hungry. You could eat the soap. Yeah, and it's not soap. I think the ingredients to the soap are like, like you said, eggs, caramelized onions, leek, Gruyere cheese.

Yeah, yeah. 325 on high. Right. Let it sit. You just scorch it in the skillet. Yeah. Slice the whole entire thing with Cholula and you're good to go. Slice to a boil.

We're almost done, but let's just get through one more question. Yeah. boil uh we're almost done but let's just get through one more question yeah uh oh you know what we can do is the uh did i send this meat to myself the follow-up to the girl with the hickeys oh uh i think i sent this to you uh last week can you explain what happened last week with a the hickey question last week a girl asked if a guy comes to to class with a hickey uh what kind of guy is he and is i don't even fucking remember actually she was so all over the place she was like very into this guy and he's like he has hickeys like does that mean he's not interested in me i still want to he thinks he's so cool because he makes out with whoever he's so gross

how do i make out with him how do i get him to like me yeah uh so she sent us a follow-up oh i have it here we go yeah hey guys thank you so much for answering my question i was hoping you could answer this question for me as well because i'm not sure who else to turn to i'm not asking you to address it on your podcast i'm just hoping you give me a little follow-up advice because i'm always second guessing myself yeah it shows. I know perfectly well that he doesn't like me that way from his behavior and that I'm not his type. But I was thinking, if the opportunity for me to kiss him came up, should I just go for it? I want to be seen as girlfriend material, and I'm not sure if me kissing him out of the blue in his dorm room would make me like that girl he's just friends with since he's made out with her randomly in her dorm room. Any advice would be totally amazing so after telling this girl that she's probably really really into this guy and

she won't admit it to herself she's like you know what you guys are right i don't want to date him anymore that being said i would like to be girlfriend material and i want to kiss him if the opportunity arises of course i'm not going to force the issue should i kiss him if we're at a party and he's drunk and he's out of my mind i'm over it how do i kiss him and if i do is that too bad am i just going to be seen as a friend because i love the guy this guy's obviously a player i'm not interested that being said i do want to be girlfriend material to him and is kissing him the way to do that all right cool guys thanks for the advice quick follow-up quick follow-up to the follow-up i really really really need to kiss him still not interested you're gonna just do what you

do girl you know we are we can't advise you anymore you clearly love him you clearly want to kiss him i just think don't even why don't you just hook up with him you don't have to be girlfriend material you like him you don't love him you don't want to be his girlfriend you're just intrigued by him yeah so kiss him and it's fine and you don't have to like him after that maybe he's got hickeys maybe you can give him hickeys yeah why don't you just kiss him and see what kind of kisser he is and that's it yeah and i feel like he'd go for it at most parties if this guy really is a player pimp. I just don't think, like, she's upset preemptively because she wants to be his girlfriend. Like, you haven't even kissed him yet.

Why don't you just take it one step at a time and explore that road, and then see if you still want to be his girlfriend after you kiss him and engage with him a little more. I don't think she wants to be his girlfriend. I think she just wants to be sexual with him. I don't think she has, like, a real— She wants to be seen as girlfriend material. Yeah, but I girlfriend i think she just wants to be sexual with him i don't think she has like a she wants to be seen as girlfriend material yeah but i don't think she does i think she just all this stuff is just trying to get him to kiss her to kiss him why don't you just be okay with the fact that you just want to get boinked by this player is a crush always physical or can you have

a crush on someone you're like i really just want to be in a relationship with this girl i think or is it always just like crushes just lust it depends yeah crushes are always luscious oh crusts are lusts yeah so but i think you like it depends how heavy the crush is because if it's emotional and physical uh crush you'll like invent the entire world around you guys and really fall in love with this person which isn't fair to that person because you're projecting so much yeah onto them you want so badly this thing that they don't even think or know about. It's their lifestyle. Yeah. And you could be so far behind.

You could have not even spoken to this person. Exactly. You invent a very elaborate story in your head. So you're writing a movie that no one else has the script to. Which is, I guess, how most movies work. That's true. Yeah. So there's...

You have that. You have that going for yourself. So what's the song advice for her? Is it a good old-fashioned you do you? Yeah, that sounds like a nice idea. It's sort of like a rap then. Oh, okay. Here we go.

This is going to close us out. He's back to reggae. He knows it doesn't work, but he doesn't care. All right, wait, let's find a rap beat. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's good. The scratch.

Does it sound rap? No. Yeah. So, girl, good to scratch. Does it sound rappy? No. Yeah. So, girl, you do you. No matter if you're a Christian, Muslim, or Jew, you gotta do what you feel and not what you don't. You gotta do what you think and not what you won't. Yeah, all right.

You obviously can't control your emotions at all, so don't pretend to be short if you're small. Don't pretend to be medium if you're tall. Just do what you want and you won't fall all right girl yeah okay girl here we go oh god your jaw's open you're struck hey girl you you're an all-star you gotta do you, girl. Excuse you. Yo, girl. Yo. I hate this. Yo, girl.

Oh, this is the worst. Here it is. Yo, girl. Do you. Yo, girl. Oh, fuck. Just do it. Yo, girl.

Do you. Oh, I hate this. Yo, girl. You're the worst person. Yo, girl. Close your mouth. You're eating an imaginary sandwich. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Lord.

Yo, girl. I hate this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What is this? It's like Bobcat Goldthwait. Well, that guy's name was Carmen. What does that mean?

He's my rap alter ego. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. My least favorite person on earth. We're out of time. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, or Facebook thumbnail submissions,

send them to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by one Mike Graham. And this closing theme song was written by Jake and Michael. Two dudes. One with a heart of gold. The other

with a dick of coal. Whoa. Like his mother. If you can imagine. All right. Cool. We'll be back soon. Later, guys.

Toad. Advice, don't forget to follow. USA Arise and seize the cheese. If you really please. Hey-ho, let's go. The If I Were You Show. Sheesh, y'all. Twas a theme. Hey, this is Greg Fitzsimmons, host of FitzDawg Radio on Podcast One. Join me and my guests, such as Jon Hamm, Zach Galifianakis, Jimmy Kimmel,

Carolla, Hardwick, Rogue and all the big guns are with me. We talk about what it's like in Hollywood behind the scenes, the real deal, the rage against middle age. Fitz Dog Radio on Podcast One, the home of podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, Home of podcasting.