Segments - 116: Eat Your Heart Out (Live from the Hollywood Improv!)

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss being drunk in love and settling for second best, live at the Hollywood Improv! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, BarkBox.com, and DraftKings.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Jay. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. This was our live episode back at the Hollywood Improv. There we go.

We have fun on the road. We really do. It was at our hometown, but we still have a lot of fun. It lot of fun show and things did actually end up getting true true they did yeah they got true i enjoy i heard you got a new man i see you taking the pic wow it's true big sean doesn't give a fuck. I just wanted to stand up so we could hear more of this song. I know, I would have played the whole entire thing. I like this song.

It's a good song. It has a good message, too. Yeah. He doesn't give an F about her. Right, or her feelings. Yeah, or anything that she does. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Yeah.

You guys, thank you. Hey. Thank you, guys. Thanks. Thank you, guys. Thanks. Thank you, everybody who came out except for this guy. Whoever has the front, front, front row and not there. Whose chair is this? The absolute front row for nobody?

They actually, they leave a chair open for the owner that passed away recently. Jesus. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. But only because that's not right. I made that up. It doesn't exist. If it, I would give a fuck. Yeah, I would give a fuck. I would be sorry for your loss.

Which is his other song. That's another verse, actually. I actually changed my mind. I do give a fuck about you and everything that you do. This is so exciting. Who here has been to one of these podcast tapings before? Who has never

been to a live podcast before? Yeah! Everyone that's been here before, you get to punch someone that hasn't. What? Yeah. Hell yeah! Right now! I changed the law. I changed the law. I changed the law of America.

And you learned how to punch like this. Yeah. Everybody suck someone. If you do it like this, it won't hurt. This is how people boxed in the tens. Yeah, yeah, like that. Yeah. Like Irish people.

When Irish people were the strongest. Wrist forward. Yeah. When you go 52 rounds against the fucking kangaroo. You know a lot about history. Thanks, dude. So, what is this? This is a podcast. Do you guys know what podcasts are?

Everyone in this room listens to podcasts. Thus making it the nerdiest room in Los Angeles right now. But we're the most losers because we have a podcast. Yes, which is like listening to a thousand podcasts. That's right. Because we actually have it. This is an advice podcast. People write us in with their dilemmas and their problems, and Jake and I tend to advise these listeners out of their moral quandaries.

And sometimes it's just us two. And sometimes we do it in a room with 200 friends. And one no-show. Yeah. Cheers, by the way. This is really nice. Toda. It's a pleasure.

To all of you, too. It's a pleasure to be here with you guys. It's a pleasure to be here with you. I know you feel the same way, that it's a pleasure to be here with them. And conversely, it's a pleasure to be here with you guys It's a pleasure to be here with you I know you feel the same way That it's a pleasure to be here with them And conversely it's a pleasure to be here with me Sure let's get started And just for the record let's hear you say it That it's a pleasure to be here with me

I agree Do you like being here with everybody else? I do like being here with everybody else Do you like being here with me? And I think we should get started Cheers Absolutely I love you and you love me too

And if you take a sip of the whiskey That is a binding contract that we are in love Salute That does not negate That's love people That was love That was real I do love you

That sounds It sounds forced Please relax How is everybody else doing? Is everybody good? Good Alright, cool, that's all I needed to know Do we just jump right in, get in, get into it?

I don't know, yeah, I guess, right? Yeah Should we say yeah? Yeah How are we doing on time? We are I don't know. Yeah, I guess, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Should we say yeah? Yeah! How are we doing on time? We are... Out. Fuck. What? It was so good to be here. How long was that song?

Alright. For those of you who are uncertain, unfamiliar, these are... I'm going to be reading real emails from real people, but going to give them fake names in order to preserve their anonymity. So, we need a fake name. Abby? Wait a second.

These are all real names. These are all real names. I want fake names. To be fair, Bijan does sound like a fake name. Bijan? Is the first name a guy? Yeah, no, it's actually a woman. Okay, well, this is fair still. Bijan, you get to give me a fake name for a woman.

Stumped. Fariba? Okay, yeah, sure, that sounds fake. Fariba. The daughter of a Furby Furiba writes Money She does write money

Money, money, money Money is pretty tight these days And my boyfriend came up with a novel solution To ease the issue He offered to pay my rent for the next month If I ate a piece of dead skin off his foot. It's fair. The alternate was a spitball

to the back of the throat that I would then have to swallow. The rent is about $600 a month, half my salary. I'm mulling it over, but was wondering if you guys have ever been in a financial bind so severe you would take that offer up? Or is there anything

else you would have done to prostitute yourself out with a partner? I'm ruling out sex. That's too far. Any insight? Love? What was her name? Fariba. Fariba. Yeah, we can give it up for Fariba.

Give it up for Fariba. Wherever she is, she's choking to death on a part of a foot. A spitball, yeah. The alternate was a spitball to the back of my throat. That sounds like a threat if she didn't do the foot thing. Eat my dead skin or else. it's a spitball to the throat with you it's not fair it's not i don't think that's legal right i don't know i yeah it's illegal it's uh extortion yeah sure yeah why not it's some form of torture. Have you ever done anything bad for money?

Bad for money? Well, I guess like selling drugs or something would be bad. Of course. And I did that once. Yeah, I did that once for a long time. Yeah. It was a very slow transaction. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think I've ever been desperate enough to eat. Well, what is dead skin? What's it made of? It's just, you know, dead skin. It's made out of skin, I bet. That doesn't sound terrible. I bet it would be... Oh, that's from fucking Austin Powers.

What? Gold member did it. You guys remember that? If gold member did it, certainly she can do it. It might not be that bad. It might be salty. Is that a danger? Would you say go for it, or is it sets a dangerous precedent for this weird billionaire boyfriend of hers?

Yeah, well, that's the other thing. He doesn't even have a lot of money. He just really, really, really wants her to do it. What? I also like that she's like, I would never have sex with him. That's going too far. Wouldn't that be going not as far as the dead skin

if you're sleeping with your boyfriend? That seems average. It seems normal. You should see that. Yeah, maybe she can parlay it to say, I will not sleep with you

unless you pay me. Is that prostitution? Well, don't jump to conclusions. Yeah. Just because she's getting paid to fuck him. Well, here's what I would say. That, of course, is prostitution. Well, don't jump to conclusions. Just because she's getting paid to fuck them. That, of course, is prostitution, but so isn't eating the dead skin. It's just

a kinkier form. Someone said yes. So what? Every bet is prostitution? I think everything is prostitution. I can't tell if that's a very liberal or conservative thing to say

either way it is a statement and I think I stand by it have you ever been so desperate for money you've never run out of money right no I'm infinitely wealthy well yeah because your parents are rich and then you're rich

and now we're just all rich you should come over for one of our money fights. Everybody's fighting like this. These are bands of $100 bills. What is the question?

Should she do it or would we do it? Remember that thing in the office? At College Humor back in the day, a lot of people would be like, hey, I'll pay you $20 to do this and then people would jump in on that and be like, oh, I'll match that. And then it was up to like $300 to like... This is the closest I ever came to crying at work. Without crying, you mean? Yeah, yeah.

Because I cried at work a bunch. I cried almost every day. This is the closest you got while still being able to hold back. It was around Easter time and we got a bunch of jelly beans, right? And there was this guy in our office named Kevin. You don't have to say people's names. Well, no, Kevin's innocent in this story. Okay.

I haven't gotten to the other names. Kevin Corrigan, great man. He was challenged to eat like a pound of jelly beans. Fair enough? Sure. He did it. It was great. of jelly beans. Fair enough? Sure. He did it. It was great. It was hilarious.

He got sick and everything was fun and fine and he got paid his money. He had to go home because he had some sort of short-form diabetes. It was hilarious. His blood sugar went up so high. We used to pay him to eat a lot of things and that was not the only time Kevin got sick

and went home from work. But then we upped the ante. So Streeter, you guys know Streeter maybe. So there was a bet for Streeter to eat a pound of just popcorn, buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans. You guys are disgusted, and I'm halfway through the story. So as Streeter is trying to make his way through these jelly beans, he is spitting into a cup just because he can't fucking take. There's too much saliva, basically.

Like butter popcorn flavor saliva. Just sick. Like borderline throwing up into a cup for an hour. It got to the point where it was as high as my whiskey right now. And then somebody dared an intern to drink it. But then I was like, I'll give you $30 to do that. And then somebody was like, yeah, I'll match that. And then by the time it was done... So this dude was like, yeah, we'll do it for like $200.

And he had no idea how quickly we could raise $200. Yeah. We could have like an actual Red Cross charity fundraiser and get like $31. We could have cured something. Yeah, but to drink the cup of spit, we had $200 in a heartbeat. So fast.

So then like, the whole entire office is surrounded this kid. He's holding the cup of spit and he's like, wait, wait, wait. We started counting down from 20. and he was like hold on hold on and then we got to three two one and he was like it and he chugged the whole thing so there are worse things you could do for money is the moral of the story that's true

uh would you if you were if you were her if i were like... I think I'd break up with the maniacal boyfriend who wants her to eat his foot. I mean, the fucked up, you think about it on the surface, and it's like, okay, I'll eat a little piece of dead skin, and you'll pay for half my rent. Everybody wins. That's the ultimate way of sticking it to him, actually. Yeah.

Just nonchalantly doing it. If you think about it, he has the money, and he won't give it to her Unless she does this thing that degrades her Not sleeping with him But rather he gets the spit in her mouth Yeah That's sociopathic for sure

So I wonder So I say do it and rob him And then break up with him So you eat his foot Take the money and break up I him. Oh. So you eat his foot, take the money, break up. I just want to start calling it eating his foot. What would you do if you were her? I just said, fucking eat his foot.

You would do it? I would and then I would take the money and then I'd break up. I guess I would. Is she living with him or is it like you pay my rent separately? That's just the rent that he owes and he's like,

I won't do it. He's holding it hostage until she eats his foot. Then that's not fair. I guess I would probably do it, right? What's the alternative if you don't have money? You have to get the money.

Get a job. No, I don't want to do that. No, not when making money is this easy. I'll get a job eating a foot. Alright, I think we answered it. Did we answer it? Yeah. Cheers.

Drink up. Bottoms up. You guys didn't get drinks yet? Did you order drinks? I don't know what's up. Do you want a sip of this? That's Jake's spit you're drinking. But you owe me one. When you get your drink. Or $300.

Or whatever half your rent is. Alright. We need another... boy's name. What did I hear? Crandus? Crandus? I'm still not sure.

Over in the corner behind the piano. That actually is the piano talking. You came here just to yell Crandus, didn't you? That guy's hiding in the piano. Have you been to one of our other shows? And did you also yell Crandus? You did.

You... This is performance art at its fucking finest. He doesn't just go to our shows. He goes to shows all around and he yells Crandus. You see him at UCB, they're like, we just need a suggestion from the audience. He's like, Crandus! I love you, dude. To Crandus.

He starts melting because he meant to troll and anger you, but the fact that you love him means he's dead. Can you get Crandus on social media? I feel like you probably could, right? Instagram.com slash Crandus? Do you imagine it with a C or a K?

It actually doesn't matter. All right. It is C, though, right, boss? It is C, yeah. Thank you. It's actually, is there a C at the end, like Candus? No, but there's a silent Q, right? A silent Q in in the smack dab.

A silent Q in the middle, he said. That is so inconvenient. What if there's an even amount of letters and there's no smack dab in the middle? He's right. All right, all right, all right. Crandice Rice. I've recently been working a really shitty job just to make ends meet. But in the last couple days, I received a job opportunity in television that I've been waiting for ages to come up.

I can't wait to start in a few weeks' time. And if that wasn't good enough, I've got yet another dream job, working abroad in Rome for a long weekend with a friend, consulting clients, and pretty much getting free meals and free wine in a beautiful city. I've only just found out about both of these jobs and it's the best news I've had in a long while. But here's the catch. My girlfriend has been struggling with IBS, irritable bowel syndrome,

a lot more than usual lately. And now she's coming down with tonsillitis. That's really nice. down with tonsillitis. For those of you listening at home, Jake just took somebody's drink. Everyone was not just cheering for tonsillitis. So, guy has great jobs, girl is getting more and more sick I can't imagine how much it is sucking for her at the moment So I don't want to make her feel jealous or even more depressed By telling her all the good news I've had recently It's hard not to tell her either Because I'll be flying abroad to Rome in a few weeks

And she'll have to know about it And hearing about it will probably just make her feel worse She knows the person I'm traveling with is an old friend, although it might make her feel worse because the friend is a really attractive girl. Ha ha. I love my girlfriend. How can I deliver this news best?

What should I do in this slippery sitch? Thanks, Crandus. Crandus has to break up, right? So. So. So. Guy's getting dream job after dream job. Girl has diarrhea and a swollen throat. And he's afraid that telling her

will make her feel worse. Right. And I think that he doesn't even realize the inherent problem with this question. That he's afraid to give his girlfriend good news. Because is this girl your mortal enemy? Is she your Wario that if she hears you get a dream job... Every time something good happens to you,

it makes her bowels worse. Yeah. Don't you understand? Whenever you're happy, I have diarrhea. Your glee turns into pee. She probably got tonsillitis when he got the consulting gig. Holy shit, it's like unbreakable. The universe has to be in order.

It does. So he wins the lottery and her parents die or something. Oh, you guys are really sad, right? It didn't really happen. She does actually have diarrhea. So it's funny thinking about it. That's how that works. Oh, you guys are really sad, right? It didn't really happen. So it's funny thinking about it. That's how that works. It's weird that he's afraid to say that good things... Shouldn't this good news result in her feeling better?

Yeah, well, I mean, he's also looking at her situation as solitary. So he's saying, good things are happening to me, bad things are happening to her. Not like, great things are happening for us, and bad things are happening for us, and where does that leave us? Yeah, it's very me versus her, which seems like a non-healthy relationship. Yeah. Also, he's like, I can't not tell her because I'm going to Rome. Yeah, of course. We knew that.

You don't have to say that she won't notice that you went to Rome. Maybe her IBS will be so bad that weekend she'll just be pulled up. Yeah, in a bathroom for four days while he's sipping wine nine time zones away. So, the advice, what would you suggest this guy do? I don't know. I think if I was dating somebody and they were like making me sad about good things that were happening to me, I would break up with them. Thank you. That was the most genuine I've ever been. I was like a kindergartner finding that thought. It was so basic.

If I felt bad and sad, I would leave. You? Who causes it? Oh, I just broke everything down. That's how all relationships are. So, well, she's not even feeling bad or sad. He's projecting that onto her. He fears that she will. That's another way

to look at it. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, bud. Cheers, you had a good point. I just fear that you're not drinking it is all. I have to read. Yeah. I also drove you here in a motorcycle. That's right.

No sidecar. Uh-uh. No helmets either. Yeah, you were in front facing me. Yeah. No helmets. It was so intimate. It was borderline gay. Only borderline because you were inside me. Yeah.

Until we got here. I was reverse looking at ways. This way. Yeah. Left onto Melrose. Oh, you're so deep. All right.

You've heard of reverse cowgirl, right? This is reverse looking at ways. We should fuck more. You think if we, we're not going to, but if we actually started having sex on this stage, would you guys applaud or would you be so freaked out? See, I don't believe that. I don't think so either. I think you'd be like, holy shit, what's happening?

They'd be appalled. They wouldn't applaud for sure. You should be appalled of my balls. You really should. Yeah, that's actually a pretty tight rhyme. Be appalled of my balls? Yeah, yeah. All right, go.

Be appalled of my balls, chocked at my shaft. You gotta be surprised Or it's not gonna last I need you to be surprised Keep your mouth open wide Keep your eyes closed inside When I go up and down

Oh, oh, what? Oh, shit Don't be appalled at my balls Oh, yeah, oh So that's gonna be our single I want a girl to be shocked at me That's the best thing you can be Be appalled at my balls

They're so small All my balls I have a lot of balls I have like seven balls And they're all very small It's not the amount that's freaky though It's the size Yeah

Well it's the size It's the quality and the quantity of my balls It looks like a bunch of little rabbit turd pellets attached to his tank. Cheers, buddy. So here's the advice for this guy. You

tell her as if she should be excited for you. Like, great news. Oh, I don't have diarrhea anymore? Bitch, I don't know what the fuck you have going on here. Just, great news. Oh, I don't have diarrhea anymore? Bitch, I don't know what the fuck you have going on here. Just joking about that. I don't give a fuck about you

or anything that you poo. Thank you. Deep pool. You tell her the great news, and then if she's actually excited for you, that's great. You made her feel better. And if she feels worse, you'd you'd be like oh why are you mad at me for being happy yeah don't tiptoe around it just presented like the good news that it is yeah and then adjust your relationship that's correct who said pure heart thank you sir pure heart rule as long as

you do everything with pure heart then nothing but what if your heart is molten black like yours you're like oh I did it out of the pure I'm a manipulative monster that's how I know yeah so is it still

a pure heart if you don't have one well sometimes it's pure it just changes all the time my heart's my enemy bitch

yeah you guys are right. You're right. Alright. We got nothing left to say to this dude. Oh, another lady. Chara is pretty good. No, Bijan's still after. You already got called on, Bijan.

I love it. You're determined. Somebody said Chara? Chara? Chara? You're right, let's do it. He's convincing. Chara, let's do it.

Right. I've had this friend since middle school. We're both now in college, and I've always kind of sensed that he might like me, but never said anything because I didn't want to be wrong and ruin the friendship. Anyways, the other night he showed up at my house around midnight totally smashed, so I brought him inside, and he just started crying and told me... If you'd just sit on my face, I could eat my way to your heart.

Huh? That's good. That's romantic. Y'all don't understand. That's good. That's romantic. Y'all don't understand. That's really romantic. He then threw up and left. Now I don't know what to do. I think he was confessing to liking me, but then again, he was drunk. And after that, I don't really want to do. I think he was confessing to liking me, but then again, he was drunk.

And after that, I don't really want to go out with him. Maybe if he asked me out like a normal person, I would have considered it, but now I still have to see him a lot because our parents are best friends and we have classes together. Please help me so I can keep doing me. Thank you for any help you can offer. Todah, Sharla.

Shara. Nice. Thank you, any help you can offer To da Sharla Shara Nice Thank you Shara So What do you think of the line It's a good line If you would just sit on my face I would eat my way to your heart

I'm surprised she didn't do it That's a gosh darn valentine And if he said that drunk, imagine what he means sober. It's true. It's um... And then to throw up afterwards. That means he really meant it.

Yeah. He left it all out there. Even his dinner. Mm-hmm. What if she told her parents? Just tells her dad And then their parents are best friends He has to tell the son's father Yeah

So your kid Actually said to my daughter Oh sure yeah Let me tell you He said if she I know it's the face thing Yeah she sat there Yeah I came up with that

You did I said that line to him That's how I married old Darlene over here It's the face thing. Yeah, she sat there. Yeah, I came up with that. You did? Yeah. I said that line to him. That's how I married old Darlene over here. Charlotte, get out here. Come here. Sit on daddy's face. See how far I'll lead his way.

Yeah. All the way to your, I don't know, abdomen maybe? Yep, there we go. But this kid can get to your heart. Yeah. Here's a question for you. Yes. She's like, I don't know if he meant it because he's drunk. When you're drunk and you're yelling, is that the truth or the truest truth?

Or is it a lying lie? It really depends on how drunk you are. Because sometimes you'll get like pretty tipsy, pretty drunk. You'll be like, yo, I love you. And you're like, okay, that's the truth. And sometimes you get really, really, really drunk. You're like, I hate my family. And that's a lie. Because you're not even a human being at that point so it really depends how drunk

he was so if he's really drunk he's telling the truth and if he's really really drunk i'll eat my way to your heart it's too good of a line to not be pre-meditated he practiced that he wrote that he did it in a mirror he did he actually practiced eating his way to a couple hearts. Yeah. Just to be sure it wasn't an empty offer. Sure. With a chocolate Easter bunny at first, but then he worked his way up.

I really don't know. I feel like it's a good enough line that she should have sat on his face. What? I can't see people agree with me I do think it's true love If you want the person to sit on your face I've never just wanted a stranger To sit on my face

Only people I really care about What is that? What is sitting on your face? Is it the vagina or is it the butthole? Everything It's one and the other. Every hole. So much wetness.

Moisture, stench. It's a mucus membrane. Don't say ugh, because you know you'd like it if you loved the person. If you love the person, you love their stench. You love their sweat, their saliva, the juice dripping out of their pussy. You do. Everybody's getting uncomfortable, but it's goddamn true. Ha.

So if this girl was sort of put off by it, maybe that's a sign that she should pump the brakes. Well, just because she wasn't drunk, too, and she didn't know if she could trust him. I can't believe you're taking this guy's side. I think she's got to confront him sober during the morning and just be like, hey, would you really eat your way to my heart?

Would you start with my fart and make it to my heart? Yeah. That's beautiful. Start with my fart and make it to my heart. Yeah. I think she should give him a shot. I really do.

Thank you. What do you think? This is if I were you, so what if you were her? Yeah. I think she should give him a shot. I really do. Thank you. What do you think? This is if I were you, so what, if you were her? I think if she's a little turned off by it, maybe she should pretend it never happened. Maybe he doesn't remember. And then see if it comes up in a sober setting. She doesn't have to force any issue. I mean, maybe as far as he's concerned, this never actually went down. So she should just suppress it where other terrible memories are.

And then when she dies, they'll come out, and the bad ones will go to heaven, and the good ones will go to hell. I mean, you know how it works. I'm learning so much about you. You think you bottle up your good and bad memories and when you die, the good memories go to heaven, and the bad ones go to hell.

I disagree. But I think it's beautiful that you have a faith in your own thing. Thank you. Yeah, I would not bring it up. I would be too mortified to say anything. And I would bring it up. He said it, so you're allowed to call him out on it. Yeah.

I guess those are our two different, differing pieces of advice. What do you guys think? Is it a romantic gesture? You're a lady. If a guy drunkenly came over to your house and said that to you, would you be flattered as if he showed up with daisies wilting in the rain?

Is this your boyfriend right here? Because he was nodding as Amir was asking you that question. And this is a really nice little microcosm because me as a dude up on the stage, I think it's romantic. You nodding along, you thought it was romantic too. Do you think it's romantic? You would laugh?

You would laugh until he puked on your shoes. Then would you laugh? No. No. Leaving the witness. What else? What about you, dude? Do I think it's romantic?

I don't give a shit what you think. Wow. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think it's romantic? Wow. Big give a shit what you think. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think it's... Wow. Big Sean's just deep in your veins right now. Actually, let me ask more girls,

because it doesn't matter what guys think, really. Where are my ladies at? Where are my ladies at? Oh, how about a round of applause? All right, so just the ladies. So between romantic and this is sweet versus, uh, no, that's really weird. Okay, so romantic, really sweet. Applaud now.

Kind of off-putting, and I don't want to see this guy ever again. Applaud now. Oh. Pretty evenly split. Not evenly split. Absolutely. How dare you call that an even split? By a round of applause, who thought that was an even split? And who thought I won?

No! We recorded it. We'll listen to the playback. Shout out to Phil Fox who's helping us record. Round of applause to Phil Fox. Ladies and gentlemen. Making sure that all of this gets captured

for other people to listen to. You greedy monsters. Other people can hear it. Do you want to read a question or should I just keep going? Sure, I'll read one. I think I'm more busy here. Yeah, he really should. He's not drinking enough. You don't understand. My tolerance is a lot lower

than Jake's. What you see right now is me being drunk. My tolerance is lower. What does that imply? That I drink too much? Of course. You're heavier and you drink too much. What do you mean heavier? me being drunk with him. My tolerance is lower. What does that imply? That I drink too much? Of course. You're heavier and you drink too much. What do you mean heavier? You weigh more than me.

I'm stronger than you. You're fatter than me. No. You're a fatter, drunker version of me. I've got more muscle. You have more fat and you have more whiskey in you. Always. Than me, currently. I'm driving you to drink more.

Relax, Mom. Just take a pull from the bottle. I really would like to see that. Oh, that's a cool boy. Everyone, take a picture. Can you guys please just take a photo, hashtag it on Instagram, clam dipped.

Clam dipped. Clam dipped. Clam strip? Hashtag howdy. Hashtag clam dipped. Thank you. Good man. My peers have pressured me. By the way, this is the coolest bottle ever.

Have you ever seen the back of it? Oh, wow. It's engraved with Jake and Amir suck. Who made that? The people at Tumblr. Oh, shit. I didn't notice that. Pretty cool. Jake and Amir suck. Give it up for us not being good.

They printed 2,500 cases of these. The Jake and Amir suck variety. Cheers. All right. Here we go we need another female name I like Helvetica Helvetica that's a beautiful name that's a beautiful name isn't it yeah Helvetica Helvetica writes is Helvetica the best font you can name a child? I grew up with a Times New Roman, and he was pretty cool.

He was really chill, actually. Yeah. He was new and Roman, for lack of a better word. All right. Helvetica writes, Hey, guys. So I was feeling pretty down because my boyfriend told me... So I was feeling pretty down because my boyfriend never told me I was beautiful. It just annoyed me that he never said that. If you love someone, you should always think they're

beautiful. So it eventually came out in an argument recently and now he keeps saying it, but it feels so forced. Every time he says it, I roll my eyes and cringe on the inside because I just don't believe it. What can I do? Will it be like this forever? Thanks. Helvetica. Round of applause for Helvetica. That's so rude.

Why's she gotta be so rude? Doesn't she know he's human too? Human too. Yeah, the new evolved type of human. Doesn't she know he's human too? Human too. Human too. Yeah, the new evolved type of human. That's right. It's just mean. Well, I think it strikes a chord with us as males

because I feel like I perhaps have been here before where I've gotten scolded. I've gotten ired in somebody's anger and then when I changed it, it just felt forced. Because it was. Because it was then forced. But it was forced because what else can you do? That's the beautiful thing. Because she was upset

that he never said she was beautiful. She talked about it and then he changed. That's what you have to pay attention to. Not that it is forced or whatever. He might have always thought it and he changed his ways to please you. Isn't that nice? Embrace that, you asshole. But it is forced now. Should she have

not? Of course it's forced. She shouldn't have said any Well, no, she's allowed to say something. It shouldn't have come out in an argument. She should have been gentle and said, hey, I really like you. But how can you say I would like it if you do this? And then I feel like I'm back in a relationship now.

I'm smothered. But if somebody brings something up and then you're sort of stuck because if you do it, it feels forced. And if you don't, then it's like you didn't learn your lesson. Which goes back to pure heart rule and doing something with no expectations at all. So...

She's supposed to just... This is what happens when you give me too much of this. Are you drunk? Probably. Alright. Yeah. So what, if let's say you're a girl a beautiful woman okay that sounds nice you start fondling yourself oh yeah and your boyfriend never says you're beautiful even though I am

even though you are right one would you bring it up if it was bothering me a lot I think I would bring it up like it's really bothersome that you never say that I'm beautiful. And then what if he then says it every day and then the words lose all meaning?

I guess if he's saying it too much, you have to bring that up. You're so nitpicky, though. I really think she has to look at the silver lining here, which is that something bothered her. Yeah. She spoke to him about it. Sure. And that thing changed. And now maybe she takes that information going forward,

and rather than letting this come out in an argument, you can talk to him again. Because it sounds like he's responsive. So it sounds like now she's going to have to tell him to say less. Well, right now you can tell she's letting it bottle back up. She's like, oh, it's so annoying. It makes me cringe every time. And it's going to come out in an argument again.

Like, stop saying I'm beautiful. Like, what the fuck do you want? Whoa, that was genuine. I feel for this guy. I want to go out with him. I'm simple, man. It would be a lot easier if we were gay, huh?

Dude, I tell you all the time. Oh, I don't mean with each other. Oh. Right, right, right. Just you and Crandice over there. I'll take what I can fucking get. What would you do? I mean, I can't even put myself in her place.

I guess stop being cring even put myself in her place. I guess stop being cringed out or rolling my eyes. I don't know. Change your attitude. That's what you're saying. Yeah, be different. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Would you be with someone if you didn't think they were beautiful? Like, isn't that... I guess you still have to say it even though it's implied. But if I chose you as a partner, I think you're beautiful. Isn't that not true? I guess. I don't know. Yeah, sure. Beauty is so weird.

You don't know you're beautiful. I don't know. And that's what makes you beautiful. Everyone else in the room could see it. No. Yeah. No. Uh. No. Uh-oh.

I don't know I'm beautiful. They prey on little girls. Can we just talk about that for a second? That's not fair. They take advantage. All right. So what should we tell this girl?

Relax. Yeah, relax. Chill. Chill. He's doing it. He's doing it. At least he's changed which is really the most you can ask all you can ask for for sure yeah i guess if it really bothers you

is anybody out here in a relationship does your significant other tell you you're beautiful enough that was about half as many people that were in relationships well this is a good reminder to anyone listening next to your girlfriend and she said she was in a relationship and then didn't cheer for the second half, you got yourself a problem, man. No, no, no, don't do that. We're going to start fights.

Dude, you got yourself a problem. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whack-a-mole. Next question? I was just saying, that's a good reminder to anyone listening out there, not necessarily in the room right now. It's great to say you're beautiful to your partner.

Thank you. Just do it now. And they'll be like, oh, that's so nice. And then they won't know you heard it. They won't know that a Jewish man once told you to say it. They can't. A shifty Jew. You're calling yourself a Jewish man now.

Well, I was bar mitzvahed. Yeah, you did. At the age of 13. You deserved it. You were a man then. I became one. I was a man, then I had braces for two more years. Enough, enough. That's quite enough.

I think you had braces for six more years after you became a man. That's how good my teeth are currently. So it was becoming a man. I think you had braces for six more years after you became a man. That's how good my teeth are currently. So it was becoming a man, then the pubes, then the braces. Of course. Then sex. Last but certainly least.

The Jews really got it backwards. Let's take a break. You're it. What can we possibly talk about? Is there anything anyone wants to chat about or mention? Here's the deal for UN Unformed. Jake tells his virginity story, which is something of a folklore for whatever reason.

And he only does it at live podcast tapings. And then if you're listening to the audio recording, we cut it off and we go to commercial break. Which is like Jake's virginity story only about underwear or snacks yeah

so let's do that right now let's get a round of applause as we go to commercial break thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah Jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just

concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The

NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because

i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings pick six app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set

and get $50 in pick six credits. Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go.

Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer, see terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash write promos, there it is, thanks DraftKings hey, hey, hey I trusted you guys not to judge me I like the story

actually, it gets better with age thank you we have time for one more question, are you guys okay with that? one more question I like the story, actually. It gets better with age. Thank you. We have time for one more question. Are you guys okay with that? One more question. This one's good. We need a guy's name. Isn't it crazy how we can't hear anything?

Yeah. I'm deaf. Yeah. Oh, my God. Shh. All right, all right, all right. All I do is keep hearing Bijan, and I can't unhear it. I'm going to be sleeping tonight and hear Bijan whispering in my ear. I sort of heard leance, L-E-E-N-C-E.

Leans? Who says leans? Did anybody say something like leans? Links? Blinks. Okay, you said blinks? Blinks. B-I-L-I-N-X.

Right. All right. So the girl I was texting earlier, grade younger, Dime, actually likes me. Let's call her Girl 1. Another girl is just as pretty but has a better body.

Let's call her Girl 2. Anyways, I text both of them all the time and Girl 1 will sometimes just randomly read the messages and not respond. I normally don't mind. But I'm starting to wonder, does this mean she's trying to drop me like I'm hot? Or is she just not a person that likes texting? And girl two has

liked this one guy for a little, but he has never even hinted at liking her back, which makes me think she'll drop him, and she has told me I'm option numero dos. Now my question is, should I go after girl one, go after girl two, or should I just go after them both and whoever stays with me is the keeper? I've liked both

of them for a while now. Thanks for the help, guys. Love, Blinks. Let's go down for Blinks. Blinks. Blinks. Let's go down for blinks. Blinks. Oh, it's so sad. I want to say he deserves it. Anybody that writes an email that's like,

girl one, girl two, you're a bad person. He also has girl none of them. Yeah, it's not girl one or two. So both of these girls don't like me. Yeah. One doesn't respond to my texts. The other one told me I was option numero dos.

It's the saddest way of being confident. Yeah, just speaking in Spanish. Yeah, like Spanish, but so sad. Yeah, I was plan B. Yo soy option numero dos. Me gusta. I was plan B. Yo soy option numero dos.

Me gusta. Have you gotten this type of stuff on textjake.com? Textjake.com. Is anybody used that? Live advertising. We built a website that allows Jake to offer live text suggestions for you. So you'll upload your screenshot

and Jake will tell you how to respond or start a conversation with a guy or a girl. Does this sound familiar to you? A guy who's constantly texting a girl and she never responds and he's like, what do I do? Well, I think it's just sort of, there's like an epidemic of obliviousness.

Oh, this is your Wall Street Journal article, right? Yeah, of course. The epidemic of obliviousness. Oh God, it's a good thing you're, right? Yeah, of course. The Epidemic of Bullying. Oh, God. It's a good thing you're a writer. Yeah, that's true. So these people have no idea how they're perceived by other people. Yeah, why is that?

Because they're not self-aware, because they're dumb and bad. Can you be smart and also not self-aware, or is the same thing i think being like i think it comes from like a deep-rooted insecurity right they build up a wall so this guy thinks he's not desirable to anybody that's why he's wondering like well why doesn't this girl respond to my text whatever it's fine is she trying to talk me like i'm hot maybe she just doesn't like to text and this other girl oh yeah she told me i was option numero dos that's great that's actually really bad if people don't respond to your text and then your other crush likes somebody else. That's a bad place.

Think about the different way I could spin that story. So his option number one doesn't respond to him. And his option number two called him option number two. Your guy two to girl two. That's not good. So? I think the real answer is if he's giving us multiple choice,

it was A, B, C, D. None of the above. Sure. And he can't go after anyone because no one likes him. No one that he knows of. Sure. But there's hope for him yet. Yeah. Can you become self-aware over time

like a cyborg in the future? Gain powers that allow yourself to become this way? Or is it just a genetic thing that you either have it or you don't? I don't know. I feel like it's like self-editing, you know? Mm-mm. Okay.

What do you mean self-editing like could you look at something that you wrote down and find the mistakes in it oh no no I understand what you're saying you're like are you able to look into yourself and find your old own faults yeah and see what you're insecure about and check yourself against the facts and opinions and be like, am I being an asshole right now? But do you think you can look back in time and say, oh, maybe I wasn't like that

back in the day, or were you always like that? Was I always self-aware? Yeah. Or have you gotten smarter over time? I've gotten smarter over time, but I'm still a complete moron. The smartest thing anybody can do is realize that they don't know anything and their mind constantly changes, right? Oh, so it's sort of self-deprecation.

I think so. If you look down on yourself. I feel like I'm having a therapy session. I don't actually know anything, but I know this guy's a piece of shit. So what would you say he should do? I think he needs to download Tinder and swipe to the right so frequently. Just nonstop. Yeah.

Just wear like a hole in your screen from swiping right. The glass is melting from the heat, the friction. I think I want him to get glass slivers in his index finger from swiping so hard. A glass, what's it called? A splinter. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I said sliver, the splinter, they're sort of interchangeable.

Sure. Sure. I'm trying to even fathom what advice could be that's not. You're asking me. I'm asking, what do you think? I feel like he has to start from scratch. Like, crumple up this piece of paper. It's good to

restart sometimes. A lot of times you have these lingering situations and relationships and you can just like, alright, let me start from scratch and see if I can meet somebody new. I feel like no one's here right now. This is just me and you, man. Yeah.

Why aren't we fucking? We should be. Would you say that's true? Honestly, I was lost in your dick that entire time. Start over. Option three, girl three. Yeah, start over. You shouldn't be numbering the girls in your life.

Option one, option two. Although that girl did number you. Yeah. Is option two really that bad? There are seven billion people on earth. So to be someone's number two is actually not terrible. Now we're talking about math, so I'm lost. But like if a girl came up to you that you really had a crush on and she was like,

I'm actually really interested in this guy but once he rejects me, I want you so bad. Fuck that. Why? Because then you'll forever be like, you wish you were with somebody else. Yeah, but then it's like, oh, you didn't get him, so that's not bad. That's the saddest fucking relationship I've ever heard. No, because isn't art, isn't, isn't, wait, right, oh no, melting.

Oh no, you're number two. Needs more oil. If you're cool with it,ting You're number two Needs more oil If you're cool with it Then you're number two To everybody Here's an idea What if we're all number two To everybody

And we don't know it yet Every relationship you're in Is because nobody else Wanted to be in a relationship With that girl Or guy That's true Yeah

Stop it True love is not real Because I promise you My grandparents were married For 50 years And my grandfather Would have fucked Scarlett Johansson. I know it.

If what? If she was into older dudes. If she was like, yo, John, your option numero dos, he'd be like, okay, let's do this. Let me spin this a different way. Would you ever date someone that's been broken up with? Because in that case, you're number two. You broke their mic.

How do you respond to that accusation? If you ever date someone that's been broken up with... Everybody understands that that's fundamentally flawed, correct? You change as you grow. Your relationships shape you. Just because somebody broke up with you doesn't mean you're cast away, not an option. It means you have ended one relationship, you've learned, and you move on, and then you grow, and then you're part of something new. So you're saying you're always the number one choice,

and your girl's always her, you're their number one choice. I'm saying everybody's always striving to be their best for the person they love, and then you don't. Don't, oh, I'm a piece of shit. I don't think because someone has been dumped that they're trash. That just means they... Oh, now you're putting words in my mouth. Are you listening to this?

This logical fallacy? I never said you were trash. You said if you've ever been dumped and you're number two, then you flipped your mic over. That was a muscle spasm. It was an accident. What do you guys think? Is it okay to be someone's number two?

Because all in all, there's so many people in the world that number two is actually not that bad. It's great. Number two, a silver medalist? I would love to be number two. If I was the second best anything in the world, I would be a goddamn savant. Have you ever posed a question to 200 people and had them all disagree with you?

Does that feel good? Does that feel good to have everyone in this room nod on your side right now? You know what it is? I'm representing the quiet minority because I know there are some people here... You're representing this lone soul not in his chair. Yeah, right now this guy's in traffic on the 405 nodding.

He doesn't know why, but he agrees with me. He's nodding, hitchhiking, hoping he gets home to no one that loves him. Or out of time. Tell you what, though. Everybody in this audience, you guys are all my number ones. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Yes, thanks for coming. We're going to be hanging out outside if anyone wants to chat, take a photo, hang out, whatever. Otherwise, thank you so much for coming. That's our show. Good night. Good night. Hello. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com Hello. Hi, it's me, Ross Matthews.

America's gay. Listen, I get it. Life is hard. Okay, we all struggle. Boyfriend problems, girlfriend problems, job problems, life problems. Which TV show to watch? Honey, I get it. You need help. That's why I'm here. I'm the gay best friend you wish you had and honey, you know you need.

It's straight talk with me, Ross Matthews. This is tough love, honey, but it's worth it. Like plucking or waxing. Get your weekly gay pep talk right here on podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.