Segments - 117: Stomping

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

In this episode we discuss fetishes, farts, and falling out of love. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Prosper.com and the movie Unfinished Business. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Jake is actually on it. We recorded it before he left,

so that way it's not just me talking for an hour and a half, though that would be interesting. All right, let's get started. Things got real by. Your situation is sticky and you're feeling blue. Just email in if I were you. Jake and Amir will give you their advice for free. And change your name to praise of your anonymity. Just seize the cheese, listen to these nerdy Jews, nerdy Jews.

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Things will get real Only if I Were you will get real on if I were you Toadah, Toadah, Toadah Very Toadah To Ilana, Isla, and Danny. You do love that Bulletproof song. I do love it

You know why this happened, right? So these are the people we call triplets. The trips! Yeah, from the... Are they actually triplets triplets or we just keep calling them that? No, I think they're just family. Gotcha. So it's this triplets. But I don't actually know.

It's a group of three talented individuals that may or may not be related, may or may not be fraternal triplets. They recorded a song for us earlier. Then we, during our London live show, they came on stage and performed that song for us and for everybody in the crowd. They killed it. It was dope. It was a great moment. And then we were hanging out after the show, as we are wont to do, kissing girls on the lips and then hugging guys a little too strongly.

And they came up to us and they're like, thank you so much. And we're like, oh my God, you guys are great. And they're like, do you have any requests for our next theme song? And then I said, Bulletproof. I think it's called Titanium. Wow. Yeah. And then they sent it in.

No shit. It took them this long. No, well, it took us this long to get to it. Took them this long. They actually sent it in like a couple weeks ago. We had a backlog. Okay. Fire away, fire away, ricochet.

We just ruin it immediately. Do you think in light of recent events, the rape allegations against Bill Cosby, there are stuff as comedians we shouldn't be joking about? Let's start with sexual assault. Holy shit. Why now while we're recording? That's right.

Would you put me on this? Gotcha journalism. I think I'm ready to do it. I think I'm ready to catch you. Ill-prepared. Hungover in bed. Asking you the hard-hitting questions. Is there things we shouldn't be joking about?

Did you hear me? Or did you want me to stall? Answer the question. Jesus Christ. How dare you? How dare you? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. I'm Amir.

And you only host the show. No. It's just the only one that I also host. Hosted by me. Yeah. It's the, I host it. I host it, too. There's two. Or at least i'm a forever guest

forever guest kind of like how andy richter is just always on conan yeah yeah he's not the host yeah but he's just on i'm your andy that's nice you're so cozy right now. I really am happy. Are you hungover? I'm a little mildly whatever. Yeah. Like when you live life this hard, there is no hungover. There's just like, that's my attitude. So like I'm a little hungover. But more than the drinking, I regret eating a rolled up chocolate chip pancake at like 1 a.m.

Yeah. That's what I shouldn't have done. Right, like, oops, I had a little cheat minute. Yeah. You've gained 19 pounds in the last two weeks. Bullshit, really? Fuck me. I've been trying to go to the gym, man.

Do you think if you were actually gaining weight, you would stop eating so poorly? I have stopped eating poorly. It's like from the from the pancake yesterday i had a smoothie for lunch for fuck's sake that was nice isn't that enough i really try to eat slightly healthy i'm definitely not on like a strict diet but yeah i mean i noticed i was gaining weight and i tried to cut out the uh because i before i was just eating literally anything I wanted.

Yeah, but for someone who eats literally everything they want, you're not gaining noticeable weight. I guess I don't gain weight fast, but I was definitely like, I noticed it. I could see myself getting rounder everywhere. I could see my stomach filling out my shirts. So then I stopped. This is sort of like when I was in high school,

I used to eat cookies every day for breakfast. And then when I noticed I would get a gut, I would just not eat cookies for two weeks, and it would go down. And then I would start eating cookies again. Your life is a roller coaster of eating cookies versus not. It's like, oh, whoa, I should stop eating cookies. And then I don't for a little while.

And then I'm like, oh, I feel good. I feel fit. Now I can eat cookies. What's the fattest you've been? Well, when I was in college, I weighed like 190 pounds. It's so funny. It's 30 pounds heavier. It's like 30 pounds more than I do right now.

Yeah, where did it go? It was all in my waist. Because I had like skinny, skinny arms and arms and skinny skinny legs and a skinny neck and fat and like uh and a pretty like normal looking face yeah you're just like your face doesn't fluctuate that much no i just it was all in my stomach would you say you're all about that waist i'm all about that waist that waist do you the Louis Anderson cartoon Life with Louis, where he's like a little kid? His dad, the dad in that show, just had a huge gut and then legs that were like spindly thin. That's where you were at.

Yeah, that's me. Yeah. So there, there you have it. So how does it work? How did this happen? I was just put on a podcast. I feel like I've been on blast since this started. This whole episode has been a blast off.

We're only seven minutes deep. People email us at ifireashow at gmail.com, and they have questions. They're in a dilemma, a predicament, a pickle, and we offer our advice. Yeah. Perfect intro. Thanks, dude. Pitch perfect. Pitch perfect, which is the movie that Titanium is in.

Oh, my goodness. Ricochet, you take your movie that Titanium is in. Oh my goodness. Ricochet, you take your aim. I don't know. Should I be? No, it doesn't matter. You know what I'm missing when I'm going? I'm trying to think if it would be more or less endearing if we were better at singing. Like, I feel like if we were good at singing and we sang as much as we did, we'd be obnoxious.

Yeah, yeah. We'd be like the musical theater people that went to karaoke and took it too seriously right but now that we're bad and like unabashed about it uh-huh yeah i wish we were slightly better that being said i do i don't want to be like if you're like good singers and like always singing it would definitely be an annoying like ben schwartz yeah ben schwartz like he's like a good singer right like a surprisingly good voice yeah whoa i thought you were just funny and then like oh wow you can sing you have a talent that's singing too right yeah that's sort of like yeah that's me and i like you could be better singing for sure what i have perfect pitch i swear to fucking god i do uh all right these are real emails from real humans but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity um which will we start with just you want to give a fake name

what about a singer singers people from pitch perfect oh of course yeah people from pitch perfect like that girl anna kendrick anna kendrick anna kendrick writes oh gotta find a female question oh here we are this is a good one anna kendrick writes hey guys, got to find a female question. Oh, here we are. This is a good one. Anna Kendrick writes, hey, guys, love the show. So I'm kind of in a moral pickle. A guy wrote to me on OKCupid and told me he would pay me to stomp on things wearing high-heeled shoes, inanimate things like toy cars or apples. He's willing to pay me a substantial amount of money to do this to just send him videos there is no sexual component at all for me and i would be doing it fully clothed and only my feet slash shoes would show but we all know what he's going to do with the video so is this wrong what if i donate a portion of it to charity i'll

attach a screenshot as proof and then indeed she attached a screenshot of the uh the conversation and it's a guy saying apples apples, toy cars, etc. And she says, why? And he goes, why not? I'll pay you for it. And she says, I'm just wondering what it means to you. And he didn't respond. So is it prostitution?

Is it bad? Should she do it? Would you do it? Like, porn is legal, so it's not prostitution. It's porn. She's making, he's going to pay her to make

crushing porn or something. Yeah, but it's not even porn because she's not naked. Yeah, it's a fetish. What do you think? I don't think it's like, it's not illegal. It's not morally wrong. It's just, do you want to go down that avenue?

Right. What if you're a sister? If you don't, I will. I will. I have very feminine feet. Here we go. Send me his contact. Give me an apple.

Any apple will do. Trip on a toy car. Oh, I just twisted my feet. Here we go. Send me his contact. Give me an apple. Any apple will do. Trip on a toy car. Oh, I just twisted my ankle. Fuck me. Send him a receipt for the doctor's bill. If your sister asked you what she should do, would you say do it? Which sister? Oh, that's a great question.

Hannah. No, she's fine. She's steady. She has a job. She doesn't need to do that. Sarah. Yeah, sure. Micah. Of fine. She's steady. She has a job. She doesn't need to do that. Sarah. Yeah, sure. Micah.

Of course. In a wig. It also kind of depends on the money. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, it's $500 a video. Would you do it? I mean, I make good enough money with the podcast. I whore myself out in other ways. Yeah.

I don't necessarily stomp on apples, but I'll stomp on some other messaging. Yeah, I think... I mean, if I was struggling for money, I would do this. You would. I think maybe the thing that I would do is enlist the help of another friend. And that way it doesn't feel so dirty. And I'm doing some like illicit strange sexual thing because even if you're like even if you're doing it just for the money it's

still it is vaguely sexual until you like you're like hey this weirdo on ok cupid well i'm not what i don't want to demonize his fetish it's not this guy on ok cupid yeah wants me to do this will you help me and then like i'll give you a portion of the money it is interesting because like what he's doing seems so creepy and bad but i guess if you keep an open mind about it he's not he's not uh forcing this girl to do anything she doesn't want to do he's paying her for her services yeah so he's almost a nice guy yeah what's like why not i'll pay you for it like i don't know fetishes are so strange because they all they start off really you know innocent like i have a butt fetish yeah it's like hardly counts as a fetish because i like butts a

lot and then like you know on the opposite end of the spectrum is like people who like to be hit strangled people that like jerk off to um but a high heel on a toy car what is that i don't know maybe it's like about the pressure i mean there are people that jerk off to balloons yeah this guy would fucking nut to godzilla imagine him just just stomping around a city. Toy cars? Fuck that. How about a real car? Godzilla in a bikini.

Godzilla in a bikini. So what would you do if you were him? Or her? I think if money was tight, I would do it and I would own it it and tell my friends and like have them help in, in whatever way they could. Yeah. So it wasn't like some creepy little thing that was a secret.

Yeah. But do it, say I would do it, but maybe safely like create an email address and, uh, do it through that. So he can't trace anything back to you. Right.

That's very true. You don't want this guy and seeing you in irl yeah now i feel weird like what if what if we're like telling her to just engage with a sexual predator right well why does it it feels like a sexual predator but he's not doing anything wrong i don't know i'm confused my moral compass is flailing about yeah i think now that i think about it a little more i would maybe not do it you changed your mind i think so it feels too strange like things can go wrong like why is there why is this guy not just like there are plenty of like other there are plenty of like other actual websites for this fetish and like i'm sure there are cam girls that he could go to and like do this too so the fact that he wants it from

like some random okay cupid person maybe is like a little weird he gets off to the fact that it's not a cam girl it's like a normal girl yeah i don't know uh i how is he gonna give you money i just don't want this girl to get her throat slit yeah they're just playing this tape at the trial yeah do it with a friend and then click pause and it's just you on a fucking witness stand i didn't fucking know your honor i honestly had no fucking clue real real quick legal disclaimer. Nothing Jake or I ever suggest should be done actually. It's all for recreational fun and games. Amir's the host, Your Honor.

I swear, listen to the top. I'm Andy Richter. We even went so far as to claim that earlier in this episode, if you'll rewind it, right after the ad. I'll still go for this and it all right i just i'm worried about how he's gonna get you the money i don't know how you can do that anonymously i'm sure that i mean there's definitely a way a money order what's a money order what's a cashier's check i'm just curious as to how different things work getting like i don't know it's yeah maybe

there's it's too much like the risk reward maybe isn't worth it like the reward of unless it's a shit ton of money the risk of like him finding you and making you do stuff that you're not comfortable with or stealing money from you because he's like all right give me your banking card information and i'll send you that cash right over right or the i mean definitely just her making the video and him never paying her yeah it's like a distinct possibility maybe she should offer it to a friend offer the offer to a friend and say so like the guy says i'll give you five hundred dollars for a video she goes to her friend and she's like this guy's offering me 250 to make a video of me stomping on shit would you be down to do that and then just like

deal with it and then if your friend is down then you're sort of not really a prostitute you've become more of a high class pimp do pimps take 50 or is that too high of a cut no pimps i'm pretty sure take like 90 it's like the opposite yeah pimp operates he gets he gets 10 yeah he's like an agent yeah he's an agent a talent a lit agent actually definitely not a pimp is also like sending you out on general meetings too yep yeah uh so proceed with extreme caution or not at all i don't know this is. This is a sticky one. It was a good email. It was.

It was a good email. A quandary we don't even know how to answer. Here's something a little more cut and dry. We need a guy's name. I believe Adam Devine is in the movie. Really? So we'll go for that. Adam from Workaholics writes,

My girlfriend of just over a year and I have always been able to fart around each other. It never bothered me at first because her farts were always so tiny. Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore. She farts extremely loudly and still thinks it's cute. I'm completely put off by it. How do I ask her to stop farting without her feeling that I think she's gross and us taking a step back in an otherwise great relationship? Thanks, guys.

Love, Adam. God, that's funny. Yeah. Her farts were always so tiny. That's adorable. Yeah, they were little squeakers at first. Little toots. Wouldn't it be cute if she was like a cute little girl and there were big loud farts?

That's kind of cute, too. I mean, it's not cute, but it's definitely funny. I don't know. I think it's funny. What would you do? Have you ever been faced with that situation? I mean, I'm pro farting. Yeah, I think, I guess it would be like, no, yeah, it wouldn't be that.

If it's a great relationship, then I don't think I would be grossed out. I feel like I've almost taken that as a sign in past relationships where like, okay, her farts really grossed me out. It's like now I can see that I'm grossed out by things this person does. Oh, interesting. So if you truly loved your girlfriend, you wouldn't be grossed out. Yeah, if you truly loved your girlfriend, she shit on the floor step in it and then walk on your face and you'd be okay and you would be like this is adorable this is so cute this is as cute as the tiny farts he used to have the little tootsters but because they're gross is that i i

say you can't it's too late just like i said when a girl says that a guy can't fart around her, I think that's not okay, too. I think it's the other way around. When a girl farts around a guy, that's okay. Yeah, I think you have to look at this as the positive. Look how comfortable she is. She's being her truest self around you. Yeah.

That's beautiful, and that's really nice. I also think she might just be gassy right now. Yeah, she's going through this thing. Has she changed her diet? Is she consuming more leafy greens, more superfoods maybe, like a tenderized kale or like a lot of, like instead of just having avocado salads, so like she's just biting into an avocado. I don't think I've ever met a girl that had really loud farts.

Mm-hmm. I met girls that have really stinky farts. Yeah, stinky. Yeah. Which is definitely worse than loud uh yeah i i often think that my loudest farts are my least uh i wonder what the correlation is between this is why we need better scientists because like they're fucking busy with this shit that's not gonna like smelliest and loud farts exactly why is it what i

know if it's a if it's a hot silent little little nugget that seeps out of me i know that that's gonna smell so awful yeah and if it's like a rumbling then i'm just like like boom thunderous boom clap it's not gonna be clap it's out of my fart uh it goes fart the fart fart fart that will not there's a heatness to it those those loud farts are not hot right this is the scientist so in conclusion a medical conference so so the the hotter the fart the stinkier it shall be. Yeah, it's more of a heat but deadly rather than a silence. The hypothesis here, gentlemen. Save your questions to the end. Nobody's there.

I've had a loud one that smelled. Okay, how was the heat on that? It was hot. I wasn't listening to the second part of your lecture, sir. This is a TED Talk. No questions during a TED Talk. Thank you. Okay, one more question, sir.

You want to know my theory? Yeah. Try to stick with me here. Okay. Imagine, and everybody at home, if you're listening, close your eyes. And if you're driving, close them almost all the way. You still need to keep a little bit of your eyes on the road. If you're driving, pull over. Yeah. Shut your eyes. Close your eyes. Your eyes you still need to keep a little bit of your eyes on the road if you're driving pull over yeah shut your eyes close your eyes your eyes really do need to be

shut imagine your colon as a cylinder perhaps the cylinder of a paper towel the inside of a paper towel tube that's a huge hole yeah so that's the cylinder okay that's from your lower intestines to your rectum okay and it's e it's filled with a combination of two things like a lava lamp gas and shit all right so what do you think would smell more a colon filled to the brim with shit except for the tiniest bit of gas or a colon that's almost entirely gas with a little bit of shit oh dude definitely the second one oh my theory the one the gas that's a minority in the tube of shit has been overwhelmed by the amount of fecal matter and methane and that little amount of gas has trapped the the the aroma of an entire tube of shit and even though it's a small amount when it comes out uh it is going to be a silent

it is going to be a small one it is going to be hot because the shit itself is your body temperature 98.7 degrees and so those silent hot ones are the ones that have the most, the highest concentration of the stinky odor. And the ones, conversely, the ones that's mostly gas, just air in your stomach, not necessarily stinky because there's not a lot of shit there. And those are the ones that come out thunderously and relatively cool because they're not heated up and absorbing the aroma of the shit in the tube. I did zone out for a little bit. To be sure. And I'll tell you what, I think you said the whole theory. Yeah.

I said, yeah, you know, we finished. And then I zoned out for maybe 30 or 40 seconds. And you were just saying the exact same thing again. No, I said the opposite one. I was explaining tube A and Tube B. I could have done Tube A. You could have inferred what I meant by Tube B. But I wanted to be absolutely clear.

Then that's what happened. Okay. I really zoned the fuck out. What were you thinking of? Honestly, I can't remember. What was I even doing? This is what school was to me. It doesn't matter how interesting the subject matter is.

You're explaining farts. That's fun. It's unique. If it's learning, I just shut off. I can't. Yeah, you can't handle knowledge. I don't want it. I don't want your life.

I don't want your farts. So, I don't know if there's any scienticians on the phone listening to this podcast. It seems like that's correct. I bet money on me being correct. Yeah, it does. It's definitely an interesting hypothesis to test.

I agree that it sounds sound. Now, I will also submit that we have done nothing in this conversation to help this guy absolutely it's just sort of explained how you think parts work yeah the science as far as i know it to be about silent but deadlies uh i think we both say this guy can't mention anything. You can't bring it up. Yeah, don't bring it up. You should swallow your pride. You should choke on the rinds.

But I hope the lack thereof doesn't leave you feeling empty inside. Yeah, basically tell her to swallow her doubt. Turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Water for my tender heart in a blender rendezvous then i'm through with you oh that's what you should tell her i really think you should rendezvous yeah i'm here through with you um also one one little option if you really can't stand the loudness of your fart if you can't stand the heat you start farting even louder and more and maybe just maybe she'll say something to you

and then you say you're right i think we're both overdoing it why don't we make a pact it's kind of like uh how do i tell my uh significant other to like exercise more you have to start it and then like let's do this together right so you have to be as bad as her and then you have to say let's improve each other together by not farting even as much even though i don't think that keeps the romance alive a little bit yeah i i think in a relationship i would i would definitely get to the point where i would fart in front of somebody, but never as much as I actually have to fart. I still hold some of them in. Oh, really?

Because, I mean, like, I don't hold any of them in around you. You see how often I fart. Yeah. It's too much. That would not be okay. No one wants to see me fart this much. No one wants to hear and smell that as much as it happens uh okay so but how do you ask a girl to say you're at a hundred percent full openness i

want you to dial it shift the gears a little bit i don't think you can but i also don't think like she i don't know i just it's too late it's too late it's too late baby now it's too late so the other thing is that you could stop farting in front of her and then she'll be like never do it i think she would probably maybe not necessarily like match that new zero but like you'll drag her down sort of like when you're g-chatting with somebody and you start capitalizing and using like proper punctuation yeah you said this before humans are energy matchers they'll they'll do that too yeah she'll match you or at least uh her farts will shrink she'll yeah she'll be closer to yours basically you're trying to create the average between the two and the less that you do it the lower she'll have to go whatever that fuck means yeah yeah sure it'd be average

it's mac you're scratching yourself in both in on my ear and my balls yeah you're a monkey right now you're trying to and i have yep yeah a little okay oh you're eating a flea oh and there's one down here too you're trying you're trying to make it so your your automatic nervous system scratches yourself so that it feels like someone else is doing it like it's so automatic it's like it feels like it's coming from an exterior source oh that's nice yeah when in fact it's still you doing it yeah sometimes i'll kiss my hand yeah that feels like love that's the saddest thing i've ever heard you'll kiss your own hand because it feels like love yeah you don't ever kiss your own hand everybody out there listening

kiss your own hand open your eyes that's right you were supposed to have them closed just kiss your own hand it's nice oh it's like it's like physical affirmations i love myself all right uh third question yeah yeah yeah it's a good from a dude isn't utk in pitch perfect oh yeah oot crush writes uh uh uh uh uh uh oh this one is this one's a dilly this one's a dilly of a pickle of a jam. I have a problem I need some serious help with. Two weeks ago, me and my friend were using one of our go-to pickup moves of pretending to be soldiers in the military on leave to pick up girls.

It got me laid, but it wasn't worth it for what my current predicament is. This girl got very attached very quickly and was with me at some point in time almost every day for about a week and a half, where I kept up the ruse of being a soldier, making up bullshit stories and the like. Things got complicated when I agreed to go to church with her, it being my first time stepping foot into one. At the end of the service, the preacher guy, or whatever he is, gave a special dedication to me for my service, and I pretty much got a standing ovation, and all I could do was play up the hero card. Shortly thereafter, this girl found out that I was in fact not a military man,

and through some online stalking, also found out that I have a girlfriend who I am in a long-distance relationship with. She is threatening to oust me to her, unless I apologize to her whole congregation. The problem is, I'm not sorry at all, and I don't want to apologize, but I also want to get away with cheating on my girlfriend. Do I sack up and walk into church

and take the public shaming of me? Or do I threaten to show this girl's very religious father the dirty text she sent me to get her off my case? Thanks. UTK. Good lord. It's a sitcom. You... It really is. It's a whole entire episode's a sitcom you it really is it's a whole entire episode

there is there's even a b plot there is yeah the long distance relationship holy shit so he to recap lied about being a military man this girl was so impressed she brought him to church the church gave him a standing ovation then she realized wait a minute you're not a military man you're just a regular guy and you have a long distance relationship come to my church and apologize to everyone or i'll tell your girlfriend yeah uh now he's like i don't want the problem is i'm not sorry like now he's now he's drawing the line he's like i don't want to lie to these people you've already lied the most to everyone the problem is that you're too scared to go and apologize because he's also like they gave me a standing ovation and all i could do was play up the hero card yeah that means you embrace

the standing ovation you know what he did all you could do he cupped his ear yeah and he and he pumped up the crowd like come on people i can't hear you usa champ us he started a me sa chant me sa i am captain america and you are my worthy servant you said i don't know why you're all talking about this jesus dude i am your lord lord and savior i am your captain i am captain america you coward you have to join i think he has to join the army you have to become a soldier for this i think you do i think you you need to you have to join i think he has to join the army you have to become a soldier for this i think you do i think you you need to you need to defend america you need to be in the army of yourself for what you've done you little shithead i support our troops i say go like go in you don't

want to get caught and you don't want to like further blackmail her just go in. You don't want to get caught. And you don't want to further blackmail her. Just go in there and apologize. It's going to be a funny story. When you're a grown-up, it's fun to have. You can't get scolded anymore. You can't get in trouble. He's not like 15 years old where he's going to get in trouble. So stand up and just be like, I lied to you guys.

I only said I was a soldier so that I can fuck this girl. Well, you shouldn't say that. You should just tell the truth. They can't get, how, I mean. They definitely can't get, but like. He can't get in trouble. The thing is, with this blackmail, like, you could go in and apologize, and still, if she doesn't like your apology, she could tell your girlfriend. Or you could, like, anybody at this church who finds out that you lied, now they're all loose cannons, too.

They could all tell your girlfriend, too. So, like, there's no... You have to break up with your girlfriend. You don't have to do... Like, the one thing that you have to come clean on, I think, if you want to have a clean conscience, is, like, get out of your long-distance relationship. You can, like... You can be blacklisted from this church that you never cared about going to and like this girl who's trying to blackmail you

you could be like actually i just told like the one thing that exonerates you is like i told my girlfriend everything sorry so like you have no ammo i'm not gonna apologize to your church i'm i think you apologize profusely to her because that's like the real thing that you should be sorry for yeah you lied to fuck somebody and then embarrass them in front of their church and then hurt their feelings by being a liar and also having a girlfriend okay i changed my mind don't go back to the church because then it's just like you're you're you're admitting defeat to this girl she's like now you have to go back to the church and admit or i'm going to tell your girlfriend this girl's not in a good this i don't i don't like this girl either she's

blackmailing him scorned she was yeah she was scorned but then she's like i'm going to tell your girlfriend unless you come and apologize like what a weird a blackmail thing well you're saying it with that voice and making it all snarky i I'm like, I'm going to be a bitch to you about this. Think about it as like, I am deeply hurt that I brought you to the community that raised me, my place of worship, because I was so proud to know you. But the threat, the threat is what I don't like. It's like, you should come to apologize, or I'm going to tell your girlfriend on you. She's a tattler. It's a bad thing.

Take me to church. I worship on a Saturday night. That's not the words.. It's a bad thing. Take me to church. I worship like a dog on a Saturday night. That's not the words. I don't know the words. I worship like a dog at the shrine of your life, I think. Oh, I always thought it was I. Take me to church. I worship like a dog on a Saturday night.

I think it's take me to church. I'll worship like a dog. I'll worship on my knees. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your life, on the shrine of your life. I'm not sure. Are you looking at that? Yeah. Yeah.

I would be so taken aback if that whole thing was Christian rock and they got to me. Just like when Creed was popular. Yeah, they lied to me. Wait a second. Take me to church is about actually going to church. How is that fair? Take me to church. You were closer.

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death, good God. Let me give you my life. That sounds pretty religious. What does that mean? I found the experience, when he described what the lyrics are, I found the experience of falling in love the lyrics are i found the experience of

falling in love or being in love was a death a death of everything you kind of watch yourself die in a wonderful way no disagree artist you should never read what the artist thinks about the lyrics it's just fun to sing it that's what all the lyrics actually mean. Don't go into church. Don't take her to church. Here's my problem. You, with you, here's my problem with you right now. Excuse. Excuse.

You're making the girl the bad guy for this threat. And I think the threat is a bad reaction. But it's all, like, to all of his evil wrong doings. His is bad. This guy is a piece of but it's all like to all of his evil wrongdoings his is bad and hers his is bad and hers is worse no it's not she what she's doing is absolutely villainous she's doing it with a clear heart it is premeditated he my voice gets higher the more angry I get.

This is ire right here. He pretended to be a hero to have sex. Yeah. And now he is a hero because he got laid. Oh, shit. Art imitating wife. You Tucker Max loving scoundrel. You're a Tucker Min. That's who you are you're a tucker minimum soldier

you're a soldier in tucker max's tiny fake army human army uh no i don't think what she did is but i do think i don't i don't like her i don't like this threat that she's doing it's a bad threat tell the girl if you want to tell the girl and uh don't if you don't but don't like her i don't like this threat that she's doing it's a bad threat tell the girl if you want to tell the girl and uh don't if you don't but don't fucking make him apologize or and or else you'll tell his girlfriend right well like that's she's feeling i'm not saying that she's correct i'm just saying you have to look at i never said she was correct but look at this like look at where it's coming from it she's hurt deeply and she's thinking how can i hurt this guy deeply i want to like emasculate him in front of the church everybody that called him a hero and i want to take away his girlfriend she's going eye for an eye when in fact she should just take the moral high ground and leave him or

tell his girlfriend can you imagine being hurt this badly and not taking like trying to get back at the person though you can't hurt someone without a soul what are you gonna hurt i feel nothing neither highs nor lows but you're still afraid to apologize to my congregation yes i'm afraid constantly how can you hurt somebody who's invincible don't tell my freaking girl no you ass i liked her shit not enough not to cheat on her but still i needed her sometimes so what is it if i were you what would you do if you were the guy if i found myself in this situation which i wouldn't but this is what i would do i would have a candid conversation with this girl and offer an unequivocal apology and say, I don't think apologizing to the church

will do us any good. I apologize to you. I see what I've done wrong. I regret it so much. Please don't tell my girlfriend. Don't do that to me. I understand that you can, and if you want to, I wouldn't stop you because i've hurt you so badly and you want to hurt me too so you can but just know like it's it would really it would really destroy me and i would sit her down and say i'm fucking with you you little stupid ass i'm fucking with you i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do big sean said it best yes he always does actually i wonder what those lyrics mean oh they're also about the death of a relationship yeah when he says i ain't fucking

with you or anything that you do he's talking about how you sort of lose part of yourself in a beautiful way whenever you fall in love you die in a beautiful way yeah what the fuck are you talking about you die in a beautiful way nobody you don't know what it is to die you artist uh so i my advice is also don't go to church uh and then it's up to you whether you feel bad enough to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her or not which is sort of a basic piece of advice that we can give to anyone. I would say always tell your girl,

or don't cheat on your girlfriend. And if you do, tell her, but you're not going to, so it doesn't matter. And even if you don't tell her, at least break up with her. Yeah, that'll at least... So you don't keep doing it. Yeah, set her free. Or what are your thoughts on no longer cheating on her,

starting now, Going forward. Well, as a person who uses that logic almost on the daily, so much I think I might have invented it. I discovered it at the very least. It's never the last time. Once you do it and you say that'll be the last time. The floodgates are open. Yeah, because you've contaminated the relationship. And the next time you want to cheat, you'll tap into your head and you say, that'll be the last time. The floodgates are open. Yeah, because you've contaminated the relationship.

And the next time you want to cheat, you'll tap into your head and be like, well, I've already done it once. This relationship is tainted. And then you do it, you'll feel really guilty in the morning. You say, wow, I am going to use that to turn around. Yeah. This is a turning point, to be sure. Yeah.

This is rock bottom, and now I begin to climb. But the fact is that it's rock bottom and you don't climb. You just sort of like search around rock bottom for another crack you can fall into. When you don't find it, you're still there. Oh, here's one. Oh, no. That's rock bottom for sure. There's no way it gets any lower than what I'm currently at.

Oh, what's this little? Oh, hey. Is this a nice little... Oh, no! Not again! All right, this definitely feels like the bottom of a rock. I'm getting close to the core of the center of the earth, because it's hot here for sure.

The magma is swallowing me alive. All right, let's take a quick break to thank one more sponsor, and then we'll be right back. Yeah. Thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the

greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do hey hey. Hi. Anything to break about? What's Gucci?

What's good, actually? What's love, actually? Are we... When is this episode coming out? Do we have any shows? I don't know. We're going to Houston and Austin in January. Austin, January. Those little...

We'll talk about that later. College Humor Live, December 2nd? This might be after December 2nd. Actually, it might be not. So if it's not December 2nd, College Humor Live in LA. College Humor Live, Los Angeles. Me and Amir. Yeah.

The original duo. The original duo. Me and... On stage at the UCB Theater. Where it all began. uh yeah i guess that's it um well how are you i don't i don't feel like i don't know anything about you you know everything about me there's nothing you don't know oh yeah i couldn't even keep a secret from me because you're experiencing life with me yeah there's no time that we're apart that i can have even

half of an experience for me to keep from you wow you're right that is that's great no it's not great you're saying it makes it sound like you don't like it but it is good i wear your relationship like a layer of my skin like it's an epidermis i can't i can't shake it even if i wanted to and i am unlike a snake the snake you are i can't shed my skin well easy does it because i don't want i think all you said was positive until you sort of know all of this is bad describe me all of this is bad but that's kind of cute that's the nice that's the nicest thing i've called you the fact that i called you something vague like a snake is so much better than what i actually

think about we are walking around through life like conjoined twins. Yes. Yes. Two separate heads, but I think we share a heart. We don't. We share a heart. Because yours is black like tar. Yeah. We go through life like a three-legged race, and I'm tied to you, and I don't want to, and it feels like a noose. Wow.

It's strangling me, and the rope is burning against my ankle, and I have nothing. I can't do anything about it because I'm stuck with you. Do you want to move out? I want to, but I can't. Why not? I feel like you'll chase me down and you won't allow it. You would love that, wouldn't you? No.

What would you do if you walked down the street and I didn't walk out? Oh, my God. I would throw myself in front of a truck right now. You'd walk back. If it meant you would jump with me and die with me. Wow. I have to carry you down into the ocean. That's a Romeo and Juliet shit.

I love that. It's romantic to me, sure. Actually, every relationship is a lot like the death. Have you ever heard the song Take Me to Church by Hosea? Yeah. Take me to church. I'll worship like a dog. Get the shrine of your life.

Last question. Real quick. Real fucking quick. Because we're getting... I feel like this is one of the most song references we've had. And I don't know if it's on purpose. We listen to the radio. I don't know if you guys can tell,

but all of the most popular songs on the radio are also in our heads. They're just constantly floating through our headspace like ghosts in an abandoned church. Just like each one dipping up into the sunset and then coming back down. And it just takes half of a word to trigger it. And we can't not sing it. It's got to be self-control.

Skylar Aston writes, Hey guys, let's jump right into it. My girlfriend of five years, we're both 20, is currently studying abroad in England for a year. I'm writing from Australia, six months into her time there and it's only with this distance and time zone gap that i've realized that i don't want to be with her anymore because she's insanely jealous and argumentative how do i break up a five-year relationship long distance and how do we stay friends because she's pretty chill a lot of the time and probably my best friend, I guess. Love Skylar Astin.

She's argumentative and insanely jealous, but she's pretty chill. She is my best friend. More or less, she is my soulmate. She is a soulmate to me and a best friend to all. She is quickly angry at me often, and she is suspicious and anxious about all of my activities. She is my best friend, the light of my life. How do we stay best friends even though I don't want to be with her?

Because she's mean, but she's very chill. I'd like to break up with this coward and keep her into my life, keep her in my life, because she's also a hero to me. The tough thing to hear, little baby boy, is that you don't want to have anything to do with this girl. You want out of the relationship completely. And then I think every time somebody realizes that, they backpedal a little bit. Yeah, like, well, I don't want to cut her out of my life entirely. Yeah, no, we've had good times. She's my best friend.

But, no, those times are over. That was from when you were 15 to 20. Yeah, that's how long. Now you're in Australia. And she's in England. Be single let her be single too free her from her jealousy and and argumentativeness if anything it's easier to break up with someone long distance because they're so far away you just you hop on a skype chat you video chat facetime is very easy very relevant with a good wi-fi connection it's crystal clear you sit her down you say how's it going i don't think we should

be together anymore. And she's like, well, why? I can't believe that. And you're like, yeah, I know. That's exactly how I feel, unfortunately. And now, since you're 21,000 miles away from me, you can't really barge on over. You can't confront me face to face.

There's a distance between us. This is what I think. And that's the end of that. Right. I would do it a little uh more emotionally of course a little because i feel like if someone broke up with me like that i would uh you know fall apart and you don't want her to fall apart i think you still want you want to do it in a way that makes her feel strong and independent and like she can still have a good

time in england but it's not terrible to break up with someone long distance. No, I don't think so. I just think, of course, you want to do it tactfully. Because what's the alternative? Staying with her until she comes back in another six months? What, are you supposed to dedicate another six months of your life to this relationship that's already fallen apart? Yeah, don't do that. For sure don't do that.

It'll be tough to get over any relationship, but I think do it over video chat is the best that you can do. Yeah. All right. There you go be strong be strong uh if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions we start and end every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans the email address for everything is if is if i were you show at gmail.com that's if i were you show at gmail.com we That's ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We're also still using your original artwork. If you have a thumbnail that happens to be in the resolution of 600 by 315,

we'd really appreciate it. Same email address, ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. That first opening theme song was written by Ilana, Isla, and Danny. And this closing one is written by and performed by Sam Hiber. And he has his own SoundCloud. If you go to soundcloud.com slash Hiber dash tunes. Uh, cool.

Thanks guys. Thanks, uh, for listening and we'll be back soon. Bye. If I were you, here is what I would do. Send some Gmails and yo,

you do you. I'm talking Vance and the Pinch. They be good in a sense. So throw on that F fedodo and get ready for this right smash freeze i'm about to seize the cheese if you want advice then you best be saying please there should be a second verse because like jay herwitz i am slightly insecure so I won't keep rhyming. Just, yeah, email if I ever do a show at gmail.com. That's it, yeah.

Hey, it's Emily from the Sex with Emily podcast. My podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve. For over 10 years, I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom. On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more, and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. That's Sex with Emily on Podcast One. That's O-N-E. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's,

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