Segments - 118: Stinky

Episode Date: December 3, 2014

In this episode we discuss hobbies, honesty, and prematurely breaking up. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, CombatGent.com, and BarkBox.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Back early this week, thanks to one of our favorites, one of our day ones. It's the box. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only the nature box nice it's get into the box nature box yeah that's just like another quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah you do Outro Music Like a core diva for Podcast Monday Oh sheesh y'all Twas a dream if I were you Show now it's time to scream

That was Woo Pig Sui What? Or that's just his way of signing off the email oh it says woo pig suey at the end he said stay true my dudes woo pig suey so woo pig suey might be like a college cry or like a way to say goodbye or something a college cry or way to say goodbye. Yeah, he says, check me out on SoundCloud, just type in Poflo, P-O-E-F-L-O. That's a much better name. Than Woo Pig Suey.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope it's Poflo. He's in the Air Force in Atlanta. Or, sorry, from Arkansas. So it is. Woo Pig Suey, I bet, is the Arkansas, like, you know how Alabama has Roll Tide? Yeah.

And Auburn has War Eagle. Yeah. And then USC has Fight On. So I think Arkansas is Woo Pig Suey. Woo Pig Sueide. Yeah. And Auburn has War Eagle. Yeah. And then USC has Fight On. So I think Arkansas has Woo Pig Suey. Woo Pig Suey? Yeah. Really? Now we know.

Now when we go to Arkansas to visit this dude. Well, what if we're not right? We're going to look like fucking idiots in Arkansas of all places. Everyone's going to call us out. So thanks. That was a Drake remake. No, Drake parody. Did you know you know that no what's that draft day i remixed drizzy's song draft day for y'all he says yeah i'm slowly reading this entire email

um well how do you how does one have fans that are cooler than them like our fans like us but they're cooler than us it's's interesting. We should like them. Sometimes that happens. Remember Jackson? Yeah, when we went to Vermont, we met a fan named Jackson who was cooler than us, and then we just became fans of him. Yeah. Yeah.

We were like, we want to see you. Would you come hang out with us? Yeah. I'll honestly go Dutch on a plane ticket. To Vermont to hang out with Jackson. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. And I'm Josh.

Hold on. Watch it. Watch record. It's dangling. What are you talking about? It's a little... Yeah, it's like... That was nice, isn't it isn't it

really tight it's a nice tight squeeze one of these days we're gonna have a studio you're obsessed it's gonna be so good yeah we should have a studio but we pay too much money in rent now yeah we just got a three-bedroom house yeah we had a three-bedroom house with a little office a studio yeah it made sense to pay expensive rent because we're you know we justified it by it's like oh it's also a studio yeah this guest room is the podcast studio yeah and that was really nice the mics were set up yeah yeah yeah now the new place is nicer and doesn't have a podcast studio we've sacrificed the studio we got used to paying high rent yeah we got rid of the studio yeah and then got rid of the convenience when we get more money can't afford a studio yeah when we get more money we should just buy a car

and still not have a studio we'll just have a company tesla it wouldn't be so sick to have just like a little like a little office space yeah we could make we could do stuff there that'd be chill let's do it well thanks to our sponsors for getting us there. Come on, please. What are you begging? We'll hang a nature box sign outside the studio if you just get it for us. Yeah, we'll put banner ads inside our office. So at the very least, we'll see them a lot. So what is this? It's an advice podcast.

People email us at ifIWereYouShow at gmail.com, and they have questions. They're seeking our guidance. And then we offer it on this podcast would you say that's accurate I would say that was perfect thank you this is episode 118 which I dubbed my birthday episode because my birthday is January 18th that's amazing happy birthday so today you are officially no no no it's not that's not the date that this episode is coming out right but when this episode comes out you will be a 32 year old no no no no so you're still don't say right and then guess wrong what do you let me explain it to you what you're

like a poor pupil who's like too afraid to admit that he's wrong i don't even understand what you're talking about. This is episode number 118. Oh. You still don't get it? So when it comes out, you'll be 32. I see. So this is not a January episode. No, no, no. You thought we were recording this episode a month and a half in advance.

Honestly, I don't know how many we've recorded. Yeah. I'll tell you right now, we have zero. Really? This is coming out later today slash tomorrow wow yeah it's december 3rd right now let me be the first to wish you happy birthday absolutely and so you're born on the 4th or something you're born on december 4th that's what you're saying what are you doing you're ripping out your pubes on my bed i just feel like there's a really long hair inside my underwear right now. And it's not your pubic hair? No, none of my pubes are coming.

Relax, dude. I'm so sorry I jumped to that conclusion as you shoved your hand down your pants, made a fist like you're ripping out a tuft of hair, and then you're looking at the result. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'m sorry acting like you own this bed we rent it i still sleep in it you still can't put your feet in yours this is not yours you understand that i could fucking don't teach me a lesson i want i guess you don't own

it yeah you're right i don't own it but don't turn this into a lesson where you're teaching me things. I'm going to dry hump it. Holy shit. That's the worst thing you could do to my bed is dry hump it. So, oh, well, we already gave that guy credit. Poflo. Poflo. So, for show, should we get started? Should we try answering the first email?

Yeah, why not? We need fake name. We need a fake name to preserve this gentleman's anonymity. Of course. This is a real email, though. I'm going to read it verbatim. What other people that were born on your birthday? Who do you share your

birthday with? Oh, that's good. Kevin Costner. That's one. Great. Howdy. My name is Kevin Costner and I've been listening since about episode 40 and have finally decided to write in. I feel that you two give very sound advice and I have hit something of a confusing patch in my life. I am

one of your younger listeners about to graduate high school and my problem revolves around me not knowing what to focus my energy into. I do a lot of different activities that give me enjoyment, such as creating short comedy videos, composing music, running, and drawing, to name a few. Like I said, I enjoy doing these things, but some of them I am less great at. Recently, my old man told me I should just focus on the things I'm actually good at,

or I could find a career in. My question to you guys is should i take my dad's advice and drop some of my hobbies and focus on just a few or since i'm so young carry on being a jack of all trades thanks love the show kevin costner so 17 to 18 year old has a lot of hobbies dad says drop a few focus on the ones that make you cash yeah Yeah, because you're not a jack of all trades. You're a quack of low grades. I didn't say that, but yeah. That's one way to look at it for sure. It's weird advice that a dad is telling his kid to stop doing hobbies.

Don't be happy. It's time to make money. You're 17 now. Is he a farmer in in the second world war that he has to help out his old man asap maybe this kid's just really bad at drawing and he's sort of like i think i'll pursue drawing i don't know what would you do if you had a kid and he was like i love i love drawing you saw his paintings and they were really really really bad yeah well what if you do if you what would you do if you had a paintings and they were really really really bad yeah well what if you do

if you had what would you do if you had a kid and he was ugly if you had an ugly kid impossible and he couldn't get he couldn't get how could i have an ugly kid imagine if you married such a dog of a wife and then you gave you gave she gave birth to a kid that was so so busted he couldn't even get head i swear you've never gotten head i don't need to get head i can suck my own dick you've seen it you were hospitalized for a month because you pulled a bone off in your neck i pulled my neck and i broke my spine i folded into two and it cracked you wanted to get that rib removal surgery but instead you just cracked your own two bottom ribs hoping they'd implode by the pressure and they did that is that is a good rumor the marilyn manson removed his ribs so he

can suck his own dick is that the limiting factor your bottom two ribs if those those weren't there you could your spine can just fold in half i think what if you uh you there's the let's start the rumor that you removed your bottom two ribs so you could suck your own dick but your dick was still too small so they had to remove and what is the conversation like with the doctor he's like i'd like to remove the bottom two ribs in order to you know suck my own dick all right that sounds fine as long as you have health insurance i suppose that will cover it i actually removed my top two ribs so that I can give myself a raspberry. How important are ribs? I want to be able to fillet and blow me.

So that they protect my vital organs. Yeah. That's fine. My most vital organ is my penis and I want it in my mouth. Can I actually remove my ribcage and rebuild it around my dick so that I can sort of still suck my... My entire torso will be loose like a whoopee cushion.

Can I move my heart into my anus so that I can kiss my own ass goodbye? So should this guy get a hobby? Should this guy lose a hobby? It's time to drop one. You're so young still, my advice. I feel weird saying don't listen to your dad. Well, you could just tell your dad okay

and then still do anything you want, right? How about this for some sound advice? So his hobbies are creating short comedy videos, composing music, running, and drawing. First of all, running is a fine hobby. You can do that concurrently with anything else. You do it for like half an hour to an hour a day. It's not going to take away from other stuff, and it's like physically good. So keep running, and then combine the other hobbies. Like if you start focusing as a freshman in college on creating

short comedy videos, and then they also have your own music and they also have your own own animation by the time you finish college you'll be some sort of uh expert in that so you'll like you'll be the only person i know that can like you know make his own comedy videos that are animated with your own songs that's true so uh it's not about losing hobbies it's about about combining them. So you sort of shove them together into one mega hobby. That's not a bad idea. Then you're still doing what your old man says. You have less hobbies because one hobby is to create animated videos with songs. And the other one is running.

What if he tells you to stop running? You really should start focusing more on the comedy videos. Son, I'd like you to stop running? You really should start focusing more on the comedy videos. I'd like you to, son, I'd like you to stop jogging. I'd like you to get less healthy. Beat that advice. You can't. It's sound. It's perfect.

It's great. It's good. It's a little too on the nose. Excuse? I think you're trying to you're not you're no better better than his dad by saying do this exact thing and i'm gonna say do you follow your path you're like your mom and i'm like your dad you just give like very helpful optimistic spiritual advice just an overarching emotional push.

Yeah. And I'm like, all right, take hobbies one, two, three, and combine them into hobby one, and then hobby four will become hobby two, and then you're down from four to two, and then... Look at that, you've made it. Yeah. But you are the one that constructed the path.

So what are you... You're talking about me, or you're talking about the child? Talking about my fucking dad. I always am. Whether you know it or not, I'm fucking talking about my old man. Does he listen to this podcast? Let's find out. Fuck you, dad.

Call me for once. And now we wait. He's calling you. Wow. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Daddy, I fucking love Wow. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Daddy, I fucking love you. You know I'm sorry, Daddy.

Oh, you thought you were calling Micah. Yeah. Okay. One time I had a friend call another friend on his birthday. So, like, my friend B was having a birthday, and friend A called friend b to ask her friend c's phone number so it's just like hey and he's like oh hey expecting that he'd say happy birthday but instead he's like do you have this other guy's phone number he's like yeah i guess

i do he's like all right thanks bye oh no that's so sad uh all right moving onward onward and downward um oh this is a good one. Another guy. Oh, a guy who was born on my birthday. I think Muhammad Ali was. We know Kevin Costner. You think Muhammad Ali. I think Muhammad Ali.

Sorry, Cassius Clay. Don't get me started on that whole fucking name change thing. Cassius Clay? Cassius. Cass Clay? Cassius. Cassius? Cassius. Cassius. Right.

Hey, guys. My name is Cassius Clay. I'm writing in from Canada. I'll cut to it. I've been dating this girl for a few months now, and she's great. A real sweet girl, and we're both into each other, and we're enjoying our relationship. But here's the issue. Whenever we get intimate, there's a pretty significant BO

problem. Now, I'm not saying that I smell like roses all the time, and I don't have a problem with natural body occurrences. We're both studying nursing. But it is really consistent, and it definitely takes away from the pleasure. So my question is, how could I broach the topic? I'm thinking that maybe she doesn't wear deodorants. so should I just ask her if she does and suggest it? I don't know a good but kind way to bring it up. I like her, and I know this can be a sensitive topic. Oh, and this is just a normal armpit body odor, not like a vaginal order or something weird. So, put a pin in that. Anyway, thanks for the advice. Ta-da. Cassius Clay. What can you do? can't can you can you would you i don't know how do you tell someone that they stink i mean bo just put a lot of

put a lot of deodorant in your armpits and when you're fucking like wrap your arms around her sort of angle them onto her armpit you're rubbing and rub them yeah oh god this is so hot you know what gets me off is this this this degree body odor wipe yeah let's fucking rub it all over our armpits specifically i think you have to wait i think you have to wait till you're more comfortable like if you're wondering how you can bring this up then you're then it's like not okay yet yeah but how can you ever because then the longer you wait it's like oh how long have i smelled three years yeah but then you're like oh you smelled for a long time but i like you so much can you smell better now now we're

comfortable around each other yeah no i don't know oh it's the worst have you ever had a just a friend smell i mean if your friend smells you could say you smell. Yeah. Guys can do that. I guess girls can do that. Girls don't do that as much, I don't think. What? Girls can't what? I feel like we've had that problem on the podcast. Girls saying, like, my friend smells bad. Yeah.

Or at least maybe, I've definitely known girls who are like, I don't know how we can tell her that she doesn't smell good. Do they not? If you are around this bad smell, do you just become desensitized to it? It's like when you're in a really sweaty room and then someone walks in and they're like, whoa, it smells awful in here. And you're like, oh, I don't even realize it because I've been in here for three hours. I mean, that happens to me all the time.

People will tell me that I smell bad. And I'm like, oh, I just am me all the time. So it smells fine. It smells status quo. I mean, we've been in rooms and just like been farting so much and like not minded you know when we're like writing or something yeah we're like holy shit the air in here is steamy green it's diarrhea in here oh is it i didn't even realize i was yeah i guess we have been waterboarding each other with diarrhea uh so what do you tell a girl that smells and it's bad and if you don't tell her then you can't

get intimate with her i just yeah nothing you eat so your your options are suck it up you i think the only the best you can do is maybe talk to her about this. Like, wait till she smells. And then you say, oh, you have like a little BO or something today. Oh, so it's like a specific thing. Or you can be like, one of us really smells. Oh, one of us really smells. Yeah.

I don't know if it's me or you. That's not a bad idea. But I think definitely treat it like it's the one first time that it's happened. Yeah. I think that will be like, oh, he's aware of this stuff. So like I'll put on deodorant or something. You know what? Okay.

What do you think about this? This is like sitcom style approaching it. Okay. So a guy's dating a girl. Yeah. She, it's like a seinfeld episode she just smells so awful uh he doesn't know what to do he's building himself up he like tells you i'm gonna get drunk and i'm gonna tell her i'm gonna get a friend to tell her and then like

finally he's about to do it sits her down and then kramer walks in and he's like oh dear god and then she's like what he's like you really smell and then he walks out and then she smells herself and she's like oh i guess i guess i do really smell so what you want to do is get a wacky neighbor or silly person in your life who has no who has no like uh moral compass no problem he has no shame to just walk up to a girl and be like oh you reek of shit because then it's like this instant jolt of truth coming from a source that she may or may not see before. I think she has to know that that person is like a little wacky. Yeah.

Because if someone was just like, you smell bad, that might be sort of traumatizing. Right. So if you know the source that it's coming from and you know that it's just meant as like pure honesty. Yeah. Like no filter. Yeah. Unfiltered honesty right yeah that's not bad at all i like that too so we get the kramer in your life so ours would be dave yeah of course though dave is maybe the smelliest person i've ever known he always smells like cigarettes and clam not a coincidence because those are the two things he eats the most of that and pizza i've seen him smoke a clam and eat a cigarette uh here's a

quick funny dave story that i told you when i was in new york a month or so ago we went out or it was just me and dave going out uh we went out and we just went bar hopping and hopping and hopping, looking for fun. And we're just like, you know, it was always just us two. And then we got back. We like eventually decided to call it quits at 2 a.m. And then I'm like, where are you going? He's like, oh, I'm going to go sleep at the office. I'm like, oh, you can just sleep in my hotel room.

I have two beds. And he's like, all right, great. And then he's like, we should get pizza. So I go. This pizza place is closing down. They have one pie left. And every slice is a dollar. And Dave does not have a wallet at this point.

He lost it. Does he still not have a wallet? Did he lose it? He lost it. I don't know if he ever got it back. He didn't want to cancel his credit cards or anything. He was waiting. He was waiting to see if it would come back.

A good Samaritan would just. I think he got a new wallet okay so at this point he didn't have any he didn't have any money yeah yeah he didn't have a wallet for like four or five days right so he's like so i'm like oh can i have two slices of pizza one for me one for dave and then dave's like waiting at a table yelling across the restaurant he's like get four. I don't want four. He's like, I'll eat three. I'm like, no, eat. I'll get three.

You'll have two. And if you want two more after that, these are huge slices. If you really want four, then I'll get you two more after you finish your two. So I get him two, and he demolishes them instantly. And then I have to go back. I'm like, can I have one more slice? He's like, get three more. You're not going to eat five slices of pizza you already had two i'm giving you one more he's like get

two more and a box so you don't even want it now i'm buying your lunch for tomorrow so i get him two more and a to-go box he eats one which is his third slice and then takes the fourth box to go and he like leaves it in my hotel room when we're sleeping so it just like smells like old pizza did he take it to work with him the next day i don't know i forget if he ate it that night anyway or if he ate it the next morning or if he took it but he definitely consumed four over the course of not a lot time that was actually took an instagram photo of him eating pizza in my bed. Oh, so was that the fourth piece? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. So if you want to check that out, Dave took off his pants very quickly, hopped into the bed next to mine, and devoured a pizza. That's incredible. Let's take a break in between questions two and three this time and thank a couple more sponsors for bringing us back on a thursday on a thursday on a thursday thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they

have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lififters. Yeah. Visionlifters with a Z and not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking

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So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back and I have some news for you. Me? Yeah. Cassius Clay, born January 17th.

Not January 18th. All right. But here's an interesting thing. I was born January 18th in Israel, but it was January 17th in America. So you and Cassius Clay were actually born at the exact same time. Well, he is 40 years older than me. But still, same day. Yeah, same time of day.

Same time of day. Yeah. And you guys are roughly the same age. I guess in the grand scheme of cosmic time, we appear in the same epoch. Irish twins in that regard. You know, everyone in my family was born on the same day. That's amazing. Of the week.

Yeah. Really? Tuesday. On a Tuesday. All right. Episode, no. family was born on the same day that's amazing of the week yeah really tuesday on a tuesday uh all right episode no question three question the third uh okay got it this guy's name is Clark Gable. Clark Gable was born on January 18th.

I like that. So, here is my issue. During the summer, I have been going on lots of dates. I think dates are super fun because I love taking girls out for a fun time without there being an emotional connection. Here is where my problem comes in. I recently went on a camping trip and drunkenly hooked up with a girl, Toda. The girl had a boyfriend, but after the camping trip, she dumped him and asked me to go on a date with her. And I said, yes, the date went well. And then another one happened. And now I think

she's getting serious feelings for me. And at this point, I don't feel ready for a relationship. So my question is, how do I tell this girl I want things to slow down without losing her completely? And does it make me a complete prick for wanting to date other girls? Any advice you can give me would be hashtag dope. This is a problem that you have as well. Yeah, I guess so. In a lot of ways, I am like Clark Gable. You're very Gable.

A dashing, a dashing actor born on January 18th. And I'm sort of like Clark Kent, Superman. Yeah. Without the glasses. Or at least a journalist. I'm like Clark Gable, I'm like Clark Kent,

I'm a journalist. I just realized Clark Gable, February 1st. So, way off in terms of that. So got kevin costner and no one else i'm bad at remembering my birthdays uh so what do you think this is the problem with being a lockdown boy that's the that's the phrase? Lockdown boy, it's being like a good catch. I got to lock this guy down.

Oh, you're saying this guy is so nice. He's nice. He's fun, charming, likes dates. You like dates because you're good at it, because girls like you. You're a likable guy. Yeah. And the problem is so many guys are pieces of shit that when a girl meets a good guy that's nice and treats them nicely and is respectful and funny and charming they want to date you and date you and date you

until no one else is dating you yeah but you just still want a sample yeah yeah you're not ready to settle down and the tough thing is a lot of the time a nice guy a nice charming guy like that much like you and me to a certain extent for sure uh you get that preemptive guilt of knowing like this girl's getting into me and i don't want to see this through yeah i don't want to like i don't see i don't want to give this a four-month shot right so what do you do do you break up with someone after the second date even even though you're not in a relationship? And that's what you do. I cut things off so early. You cut things off.

Because I'm afraid that if I cut it off later, it'll be harder. Well, see, I think that it's short-sighted. It's a little bit too much of a power play. So it's like- You're taking everyone's emotions into your own hands and saying, you feel this way and I don't want that, so I'm going to cut it off.

But that's actually you not knowing how she actually feels. Right, but you can tell if somebody's more into you, like being extra cute and lovey-dovey. Sure, but I don't think that gives you, I don't think that should give you the power to make the decision of, we're not going to do this anymore because you can't handle your emotions.

But isn't it more on me? Like, I don't want to lead you down this path. And then, like, we entered a forest, and I don't think there's anything for the next 40 miles. So I don't want to walk 20 miles with you and then just leave you i'd rather like at the 100 yard mark be like uh this isn't gonna work out let's sprint back away who says you're leading anyone through the forest because i'm the man i'm the man i'm the man i'm the man you're the misogynist yes i am yes i am yes i am

uh so what should i what should I do? What should this guy do? I think you just let pure heart rule, let your intentions be known up front. That way, when things inevitably fizzle like you know they will, even if that disappoints her, she at least knows that you are always up front, always honest. What do you mean fizzle? When he's like, you know what? I don't want to keep on dating you.

I want to see what's going on with other people. And she's like, but we were having so much fun. And you're like, yeah, but you know, I told you from the get go that I wanted to like continue dating other people that I enjoyed being single. Gotcha. So instead of breaking up, you don't say, I don't want to see you anymore. And then just like have her be confused. You say, by the way, before this gets too serious, I don't want a girlfriend right now.

I like hanging out with you. We can still hang out, but I don't necessarily want to be in a committed relationship right now. And if you want to walk away because I'm not ready to commit or like see this relationship uh through for what it could be then i understand but if you're down to just have fun and date other people but like see each other and get to know each other a little bit yeah then that's great too. So giving her, basically giving her more information and then the power to make the decision rather than you taking the information, internalizing it and then breaking up with her.

So what was this guy's specific question? I feel like we just started talking about me only. Yeah. How do I tell this girl that I want to slow things down without losing her completely? Well, this girl is somebody who broke up with her boyfriend to start dating you. Or to be single. You assume. Right.

She broke up with her boyfriend. I think you could be like, that's really exciting. You should explore being single. I don't want to bring you into my orbit. And I don't want to be this rebound also like i'm a little scatterbrained right now i'm still excited by other other girls and other opportunities out there for me yeah girls who aren't used specifically let's enjoy being single yeah there's nothing wrong with being excited by other girls that aren't the person if you're single and nothing wrong with

being excited by dudes it's so weird how it there's like you know being on the outside it's so easy to understand that and then when it's happening to you and the person you like wants to see other people your mind is rocked by yeah you're like why aren't i the best you don't think i'm the best you think other girls are better imagine people having opposite or like different feelings than you have don't doesn't everyone feel what i feel don't you get it but i like you a lot so then you like me a lot because i feel that and that's what i want and that's what would be best it's like when you're sick you're like how are people walking around right now isn't everyone really really sick yeah and this is a sickness yeah so this guy should all you can do is be honest yeah say oh i'm not looking to be in a relationship i'm just looking to date around

i i would be very happy if you're you would be that girl or one of the girls that dates me i don't think you should say that but just i'd love for you to be one of the girls that dates me yeah but just know every time that i'm busy that there's a great, great chance that I'm with somebody else developing emotions and feelings for them. I think the thing to always carry in your heart is that protecting people from the truth you think will hurt them is much more detrimental. I'll carry that in my heart. Please do. I am wearing a locket. What do you mean?

Oh, so I should give the lady all the information and not cut her off. Yes, that's the kindest, because I think you do this because you're trying to be a nice guy. And I made so many decisions knowing I was being an asshole. So there's actually hope for you. I can learn from your mistakes. You want to be nice. I wanted to be mean. I wanted to hurt people. I wanted to destroy things. I liked that. Did you really? Or was it just a collateral damage of what

you just... I think that was what I had to do to be okay with the wreckage I was causing. I wanted to become the demon that i knew i was i thought you just wanted a lot of things and then the collateral damage was people being hurt by it i didn't know that you actually wanted to hurt people it was you know yeah sure i didn't want to do it but when i did it i was like amused by it i was a sociopath i mean you were amused like i was like oh man i don't know yeah fuck it was like i didn't feel true guilt

maybe ever probably never i would feel like micro spurts of it like oh god i can't believe it there's something new a shiny shiny toy. All right. Let me switch to another text message thread where somebody's excited by me and not angry by me. I disappointed one person, so how can I make three people happy? All right. A net positive change in the world. And if I just keep replacing one with every three, suddenly I'm the nicest person ever.

I'm a hero. So you want to be nice. You genuinely do. Yeah. So, I think what you need to be. But what I think is nice is like, oh, if I tell a person that I'm not into them after date three, that's nicer than after date 15. Right. Because then she's like, how long have you known?

Oh, since date three. Oh, why didn't you tell me after date three? Well, that's, I carried it in my heart. Jake, help. You have to be upfront. I'm saying carry in your heart the fact that being honest

is better than protecting somebody. They're not white lies when you're dating. They're not like you saying, hey, I don't think we should hang out anymore. You're robbing both of you guys of like eight great dates and some nice sex and good friendly conversation

that would be fun for everyone. And then it ends. It could fizzle for her. She might not be into you as much. No, everyone's really into me yeah yeah yeah of course no one would ever fizzle out of feelings for me look at me i'm the man i'm the man i'm the man by the way carrie grant is who i was thinking of not uh clark gable carrie grant that's my friend so it wasn't completely out of the blue so basically

in summation be completely honest with her and let her make the decision the nicest thing you can be is honest but not brutal obviously not too much so we gotta there's a fine line but with dating i think that is true um all right last last question it's from a girl so i going to look up a real lady that was born on my birthday. Holy shit, there's never been a girl that was born on January 18th. Isn't that crazy? Never ever? Yeah.

Not even a non-famous one. Just zero. I'm just scrolling through the list, and I see zero of them. I'm going to have to choose a non-famous girl the worst kind uh all right here we go an actress named morgan york ever heard of her one of my favorites this is born january 18th 1980 1993 oh really morgan? Morgan York writes. So here's the deal. I moved to LA about a month and a half ago. I only know my two roommates, so I'm looking to meet people.

Obviously, I turned to Tinder. Hey-o! About a week in, I met this chill guy. He was from the same area. I was back east, and we had a lot in common. He just moved as well and was a lanky ginger with a beard, just my type, so it was great. We went to a concert, went hiking, and started to do a bunch of random shit together every weekend,

cut to a few weeks ago when we went to a bar and then back to his place. The sex was not good. He lasted about 30 seconds. We kind of laughed it off and he said it had been a while, and I thought this was kind of endearing at first, but we've hooked up twice since then, and the same thing keeps happening. I hate to be a jerk, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm definitely not looking to date him, but it would be fun slash cool to have a hangout slash hookup buddy. Should I ditch the bitch and seize the cheese elsewhere on Tinder or stick it out? Toda, Morgan York. Woo shit. Hmm. seize the cheese elsewhere on tinder or stick it out toda morgan york how many strikes before a guy's out is the real question i think she should do both

things that she's talking about doing oh like she can continue trying to see if you keep on hooking up with this guy and then also still stay on tinder and go on dates that's what you should do always be seizing your cheese. The why, why, why. You have to seize your cheese and you have to do you. Do you understand? And you can do them simultaneously. And that is seizing the ultimate cheese and doing the ultimate you.

The most cheese of all, yourself. But if it's not good, why should she keep doing it? Well, personally, I don't really know much about... History? Premature ejaculation. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, being a two-pump chump.

Yeah. Though I have been there. Nor do I know about not being able to achieve. So I'm sort of in the right zone always and forever. What I'm saying is, like, there's definitely been times where I came too early. I think that happens to everybody. But I don't know. I feel like I've heard that there is chronic...

Where you're incapable of doing anything else. Yeah, where you only come really early. Right. And I don't know. If that's the deal and she doesn't like him that much, or if the sex is going to be bad always then sure don't do that right but i also think that like this guy might just like you a lot he might not have had sex a whole bunch and if you guys are having sex like every couple days or every couple weeks then you know he might just be like coming too early cause he's super excited and that,

and it might just take time to, for him to get used to it. Right. So maybe if you're not enjoying it, you could stop. But if you think there's promise of something better, feel free to keep doing that while also pursuing other interests. And I mean,

if you're talking about just like you're trying to get pleasure, which is great and you should tell him to like go down on you or like do do shit that's not fucking because he's not good enough at that to get you off this is her giving him the cold gold truth this will do shit to me that's not fucking because you're not good enough to get me off well actually say that to him and that should shrivel his little dick so much that he'll never orgasm again that's actually fair yeah shame him into lasting longer but you should also be dating other people swiping right doing your shit going on other dates and then you're like simultaneously dating a couple people

then you choose the best one and then you drop everybody else who's no good and there you go now you found your soulmate yeah i mean mor mean, Morgan, you're an actress. You know about auditioning. You get how it works. That's the game. Although I am kind of into this shame condom idea where you sort of just make people feel so bad about themselves they can't achieve an erection or an orgasm. Well, not achieving an erection would probably be a pretty bad way to have sex. Well, you can stuff it in there sort of like a handkerchief, like how a magician does it, a handkerchief into a fist.

That's true. Yeah. The hottest thing a girl could say while I'm having sex with her is like, you're never going to come. You're never, ever going to come. Oh, yeah. I'd probably come instantly. Because she's doing the reverse psychology. I definitely think, like, don't come, like, don't come yet is so hot.

That's a shame because when she's saying that she really means it i know yeah and if you're like as soon as somebody whispers like like you say i'm gonna come she's like not yet okay way too late not yet oh we're past that, honey. I came five minutes ago. Sweetheart. Look down. I'm using a goddamn pickle. That's actually not bad. If he uses like a cucumber or a dill. Well, this is advice to him then.

Yeah. I've been like prematurely eaging in this girl. Eaging. Eaging. Yo, dude, you gotta just use a pickle yeah so worse yeah put a condom on a pickle and then do the old switcheroo don't actually do this that's i should i should clarify that that sounds dangerous and bad so in conclusion dental appetizing don't do that yeah of course uh and then then for this lady she can just continue

sampling before settling down yeah maybe you guys could have a candid conversation if it happens a fourth or fifth time like is there something I can do to make you last longer and then like you can find out if it's a constant problem for him or if he's just you know nervous

personally I think if a woman is hooking up with two guys at once she's a slut and for him or if he's just nervous. Personally, I think if a woman is hooking up with two guys at once, she's a slut and she deserves to be shamed, though. That is our time. Well, I quit the podcast. What? Just because I snuck that in there? You're a slut shamer.

For that. Cool. I think we're all on the same page here. Continue doing yourself. Continue seizing the cheese. Continue seeing other people. Give this guy another shot if you like it. And if not, then it's okay to cut him off. Perfect. Uh, that's it. That is our time spelled T-H-Y-M-E in a cute little fashion. Uh, if you have

your own questions, please email us at ifireashowatgmail.com. If you have your own theme song submissions like, uh, Poe Flo did, uh, you can send those to ifireashowat gmail.com. If you have your own theme song submissions, like Poe Flo did, you can send those to ifireashow at gmail.com as well. We start and end every episode with a theme song written by our talented fans. The one at the end of the show is written by a guy named Harry SEO, or perhaps Harry CEO for short.

We'll be back on Monday, y'all. Woo pig suey. This episode was real Every Monday, Thursday, I am very sad, but that's okay. I call Mayday and Jay and they give me advice on what I have to pay. Tell your moms and daddies and said Jake should turn it up because it's about to get real. Wise advice is twice a week for free, you gotta deal. Thank you, kids, how do it girls, I'm making pictures like me. Hearing this deep beat with emails to defeat on your seat

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