Segments - 119: The Wolf

Episode Date: December 8, 2014

In this episode we discuss good hobbies and bad friends. This episode is brought to you by Casper.com and DraftKings.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This was a fun episode. Things not only got real, but they ended up becoming... Oh, no. Sorry, I just wanted to say that they got real they didn't get anything else they were honest yeah oh yeah they were honest too you guys are gonna love it all things considered you guys will really like it enjoy We'll see you next time. the Ed Foss Podcast. Welcome to the podcast show. Check in and we will make you oh, oh, oh. If you're feeling hashtag dope, take a break and let them

make you oh, oh, oh. What genre of music was that? Bond, James Bond. Oh, yeah. So it was like cool electric guitar. Right. Yeah, it's like... And then it's just like, it would be me in a tuxedo walking around.

That sounds nice. And you're in your underwear eating cottage cheese out of the container behind me. What Bond movie is that? It's, you play like this very very you play like bond's lazy roommate slash cousin what's his name gary bond also are they related yeah they're cousins oh right sorry cousin slash roommate so got it james and gary gary bond that was written by a guy named amir can you imagine that an amir so talented he can make that song it's crazy uh but it's amir with an e ah that explains that yeah if only his parents had a different name for him he wouldn't have been able to do that

so thank you amir ikbal for making that cool uh theme song for us we i wanted to you to we were just about we were talking right before we recorded and i said oh this would be an interesting conversation for the podcast uh you you walked into my room where we were recording and as a joke i hid behind the door and i yelled boo at you and you almost dropped your phone no that was the i i wasn't even afraid don't misrepresent me but you did you were on your phone i was on my phone and i like made a joke about if i was afraid yeah yeah uh and then the question is if i yelled boo and you dropped your phone your new phone and it cracked and it broke is it my fault or do i owe you cash i really think yeah i think it's a discussion because it's really interesting

because it's not like you drop my phone because then it's like of course i'll pay for you i'll give you yeah i didn't hit it out of your hands right so physically it really could be a stalemate but i did but i did force you to drop it right but like it's on me that i dropped it right i was like afraid and i reacted in a way that broke my phone right like what if i didn't try to scare you what if you were just accidentally scared by me and that caused you to drop your phone am i still responsible yeah but you if i think this is what would happen if i did it to you i would get you a new would happen if i did it to you i would get you a new phone and if you did it to me i would get myself a new phone so either way you're getting a phone also if you did it to me i would sue even if you have sued me a lot yeah i think there's

several pending class action lawsuits against you that's a lawsuit the california the state of california versus jay kerwins that's me that's my nickname in court i call myself the state of california baby uh so this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the whole internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake um and this what do I say now do I describe the show or do we like do other stuff usually we tickle each other for a bit

I have amnesia and you're teaching how to be me again and then what do I say and then you and then you tweet a picture of your penis

and you give me money oh that's yeah right now during the show I do that every single episode why do you want why do you want me to shame myself before I give you cash?

I think Lily is silly. Would I get kicked off Twitter for that? I think you're allowed to post pictures of your penis on Twitter. Yeah? I think you're allowed to post nudes. Can you? I don't know. I've definitely seen them on there. No, I bet you can't because then there would be a lot more.

Like, if you're a porn star or a nude model on Twitter, wouldn't a lot of people just post their photos on Twitter? Yeah, porn stars post nude photos on Twitter. But not on Instagram? You're not allowed to on Instagram. So you're not allowed to on Instagram, but you are on Twitter? I don't know. Maybe they're just more... It seems like it wouldn't ever be encouraged. encouraged i don't know but maybe this is why

we're losing to china i swear dude because they let people post on everything nude things yeah on alibaba you can go on alibaba that's why i bought that alibaba stuff yeah because you just you you only invest in things tangentially related to tits. I've got one stock. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you have one share. I have a bond. You have a single share of Alibaba and one U.S. Treasury bond.

A T-bill. A five-year T-bill. And then stamps. Yeah. What I'll do is I'll... They'll never depreciate. Of course they will. What?

That's the stupidest thing. They never depreciate. Yeah. Yeah. 33-cent stamp. Yeah. That money will be worth less in five years. Right. what that's the stupidest thing they never depreciate yeah yeah 33 cent stamp yeah those that money will be worth less in five years right but the stamp will always be worth the same right that's but the value of the stamp will go down well sure sure so why why even buy the stamps by the way you have so many stamps in your room uh real quick before we get into the show doesn't

this seem like an article you would see on like the front page of like a fluff news like site like yahoo news or maybe buzzfeed it's like guy sends a hundred envelopes with stickers instead of stamps click here to see how many like got returned to him that's interesting so you just buy stickers you don't even buy because a stamp is basically just a sticker that says something on it right so like what if i just put i put on an envelope scan anything i don't think so i think i could just put like a little dinosaur stamp on an envelope and give it to the like is a post off postman really going to be like so busy like making sure this one letter doesn't go through i don don't know. That's just a little life hack for you guys.

It'll be fun to try. Buy stickers. People's rent checks are just lost in the mail forever. This episode is brought to you by stickers.com, the only way to send stickers online. So how does this show work? People are in need of our advice, so they'll email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We read through these emails,

and we answer a few of them on the show. We dispense our advice on the podcast. Thoughts? That was actually really nice. It wasn't like as brief as it could have been. No, but it was conversational in tone. It explained the story. Yeah.

Yeah. So if you have your own questions, you can send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. As for now, let's fucking get this party really started. Thank are real emails from real people but we're gonna need to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity okay um what are you thinking um well why don't we do people from the football game we were just watching oh that's it's gonna really show how how last minute we recorded this show.

But I guess that's kind of cool. True. It's like you're listening to this, and we spoke it seven hours before it went live. Yeah, this is like borderline live. Yeah, this is as close as it can get. Except for when we have a live show. For instance, in Austin. For instance, in Houston.

January 24th and January 25th at Austin at the North Door. And in Houston as part of the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. All right. First question comes from somebody we'll call Marshawn Lynch. Very nice. Beast Mode writes, hey, guys, love the show and super excited to hopefully see y'all live in Austin.

Oh, at the North Door. That's right. I have a dilemma, though. I've been dating my girlfriend for around nine months, and everything is going well, except for one thing. I don't like her friends. They are obnoxious and aren't intelligent academically

or socially. I've tried giving them a chance, but they just grind my gears. I can't understand how she continues to be friends with them. My question is this. Should I say anything to my girlfriend about how I don't like them? Or should I just remain quiet and bend over and take it? Also, any other ideas you have would be helpful.

Thanks for your help. Love, Marshawn Lynch. Marshawn Lynch. I've never dated someone whose friends I hate all of them. Because doesn't that mean that that person is bad? Yeah. What are the odds there's one cool lady in a group of so many terrible people i think if you yeah if you hate like 10 people yeah then you're then you're a hateable you're the bad you're the bad yeah um but also like what are you talking about yeah i'm gonna tell like they're not your friends yeah well should he say anything to her like he's gonna break her talking about? I'm going to tell, like, they're not your friends.

Yeah, well, should he say anything to her? Like, he's going to break her the news? Hey, I'm sorry to tell you this, honey, but your friends are bad. They're bad, so don't be friends with them. And then I'll have my friends and you, and you'll have me and no one. And I think that's good. All right, good talk, slaps her ass. She giggles.

Hey, you're going to stop seeing your friends. What are you talking about well they're not intelligent socially or that really grinds my gears you know that academically the way they're not intelligent academically or socially yeah i look at it to be socially intelligent like uh you know like being able to hang out in a group setting and not like out yourself as a weirdo uh-huh like if you're like a cool person that gets along with everyone, you have great social intelligence. I see.

Yeah. Okay. So like, I'm like in the middle, like I can't, if I'm not having a good time, I show that on my face. Right.

But then like, you know, some of those people like, Oh, this is such a good guy. He can hang out with anyone. He's so fun and friendly. Yeah.

Very. Yeah. Yeah. Like who's an example of someone like that in your life? George Basil. Yeah, he's, like, sort of just a happy chameleon. So you put him in a group of, like, sports fans. He can, like, get into it, be interested.

You put him in a group of, like, movie nerds, music nerds. He's socially adaptable, very socially intelligent. And then, so who's an example of someone that you hate? Like, someone that you think secretly you've been uh feeling or harboring ill will towards that they don't know but ideally they listen to the program so like this is your right like i would say john wolf really yeah so john wolf at our office that's funny because that would have been that's mine too i know i saw what you when i said you said John and I said, I'm mouth wolf at the same time.

Yeah. You started howling and then we knew. So he's a complete idiot. Right. He's a moron. Well, he's not just a moron. I think a moron lets him off the hook too much. Because I think he makes decisions to be bad.

That's what I think. Oh, so moron is sort of blissfully ignorant and we're talking about. Yeah, I think a moron can be happy. He's a misanthrope. On purpose. You know, I've actually seen him rob charities. How so? That's actually his nickname.

Hey, I'm Rob. Rob Charities. Oh, that sounds nice. But now that I think about it. Rob Charity. You Rob Charities. about it rob charity you rob charities no um at mcdonald's john wolf um will just like take the ronald mcdonald's oh out of the the coins he'll put it like he'll put um a little piece of gum you know what he does he has coins out he also has dummy dimes yep so like those things at the supermarket where you have to like it's the march of dimes you put in dimes yeah he'll spend thousands of dollars making dummy dimes it's crazy they they think it's

filled up so nobody else can donate and then they go to cash it in yeah and it says like it is a picture of fdr he gets it engraved but on the back it says you've been had crazy yeah i've seen him at a bar a hundred percent on purpose because he'll do this regularly sure um as soon as somebody like he knows someone's carrying drinks back to like a table of friends yeah like a friendly person just bought their friends around around yeah he'll back up like look at them and then back up really swiftly so they'll drop all the drinks oh so they have a tray of like and then he'll'll say, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Let me get you another round.

And then what does he do? And then he's like, you guys are sitting over there, I'll bring it over to the table. And then he'll just never, he'll leave the bar. Oh, my God. So he'll drop all the drinks on the ground and then lose their spot at the bar and then not get drinks. You know what else I saw him do? What?

When I went to college college a lot of times people would do hunger strikes oh yeah like if like somebody was so like uh socially outraged at something he would sit on campus and he wouldn't eat right so wolf walked by one of these guys and he he had these empty wrappers of fun-sized snickers and he would like toss them next to him wow and then he'd call the like a police or a newspaper source and be like what is that yeah what is that you you ate that just like to undermine his yeah undermine his um right point of view exactly you've been eating snacks wow and then he's like no i haven't like look at all these things and he'll smear a little chocolate on the guy's face or on his on the side of his lip absurd yeah absurd that he would do that so so basil on one end and then wolf you know i've also

seen wolf oh yeah you know what um he will sometimes just go to like a little league uh football or baseball game he doesn't know a single person there yeah you've seen both he'll just sit on the bleachers wait for a car to like pull up like a dad late for his kids game oh yeah and he'll run to the car and he'll say, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry it happened in the second inning. Your son, we had to take him to the hospital. And he'll get in the car with the dad.

He'll drive to the hospital together. Holy shit. And then once they get there, John Wolfe will just, he'll... He'll open the door. He'll rob the dad. Why does he take him to the hospital it's crazy he wants the dad to be panicked and like thinking about other shit well that's that makes a lot of sense because he told me that one time he actually set up a dummy

infirmary that he took the dad he's into dummy shit yeah he's into he has a lot of dummy times in a dummy infirmary yeah so he set up this whole fake set. And he had a doctor and a nurse and even an entire EKG monitor. And he even hired a dummy child. A deaf, dumb, and blind kid. And the kid just lied down. He put a blanket over everything except for the feet. And he wheeled him past the window.

And the parents were just like floored yeah they were flipping out and i'm like what do you get what do you get from this do you get cash and he says sometimes i do sometimes i rob charities and then sometimes a lot of it is just me being a public nuisance a dickling and a chaos creator yeah and then i'll howl at the moon and say i am john wolf how is he still around how is he still alive how is he not in jail it's crazy technically none of the things he's doing is illegal that's well that's like another dummy dimes are dummy dimes are fake counterfeit money yeah of course that's but he's not spending it also robbing people yeah he said he said that he did that's true and the emotional

trauma caused by telling someone you can get sued for that yeah yeah for sure so what should this guy tell his girlfriend oh i forgot that that's even happening just you don't have to hang out with them you're they're not your friends okay all right next question all right one time i saw john shove a bystander an innocent bystander. An innocent bystander. Question number two comes from a lady. What football player has the most feminine name? Is Fleener's full name Fleener's first name Casey? I think it's Kobe. Oh, that's pretty... Kobe Fleener? Yeah. That could Fleener's first name Casey? I think it's Kobe.

Oh, that's pretty, Kobe Fleener? Yeah. That could be a girl's name. All right. Kobe Fleener writes, Hey guys, love you and love the show. I was hoping you'd be able to give me some peace of mind. I recently got back together with an ex.

Maybe a good idea, maybe a bad one, but I digress. We've been back together for a month and a half, and I feel like things are going really well. We've even decided to be exclusive again and be boyfriend and girlfriend. Here's where things get sticky. I've noticed that my boyfriend has both OkCupid and Tinder on his phone. This isn't exactly strange, since we originally met through Tinder. The problem is, I find it weird he still has both apps on his phone, even after we've decided to be exclusive. And no, I didn't find it through snooping he was showing me a picture and i saw the apps i didn't say anything and he didn't either am i

being too sensitive he's a friendly person but if he's trying to make friends i feel like it isn't through a dating app please help i really love this guy and i don't want to i don't want him to think that i'm being suspicious thanks guys much love cody or kobe fleener um i just want to say on the hottest day of the summer this year yeah john wolf went to a crowded pool and pooped in it what did he he shit in the pool everyone had to get out everyone was peaceful uh cooling down yeah and he shit in the pool he actually passed the buck onto a like 75 year old old lady and she was banned from the pool for the rest of the summer yeah she eventually died because she wasn't getting any exercise she became diabetic and died well that's the crazy thing and then they suspected wolf and they tested

the feces and it was hers he must have he tampered with the evidence i don't know dude or he got the shit and he like literally dumped it yeah like he took it from her toilet i think he's so conniving yeah it's like and it's like all he does all day yeah scheme and plot yeah he's diabolical yeah diabolical that's what it is it's exactly right he's like the he's the joker he's a villain yeah he's a villainous he's a social villain for sure uh so this girl this guy still has tinder how long have they been back together a month and a half oh yeah no that's bad i love that this girl is so sweet she's like i don't know maybe he's just using him to make friends oh honey honey no one makes friends on tinder no we don't make friends no you never make friends even in life let alone on ok cupid right yeah no i'm not here to make friends yeah

you know what he probably well okay well there's two layers there's one that he's actively using it which is really bad and then there's one where he keeps it on in the background because like he's like i'm gonna break up soon i might as well like keep getting those swipes in so that when i'm done i got this pool a reservoir but then there's also i mean personally this would never happen to me of course because i am i'll keep my phone clean you know but you like you'll meet people that have just like pages and pages of apps. Yeah. So I would say let's go on the pages. If he's got three pages or less of apps, break up with him.

So, but if he's got like four pages or more, then I think he just maybe didn't delete it yet. Oh, what if she just checks? Can't she see how often he uses it when he was last logged in? Well, I think if you log in, it'll was last logged in well i think if you log in

it'll say last logged in just now right but what if you're on okcupid and you check some like from somebody else's okcupid profile you search for him and then it says the last time he logged in or you could also just log into his tinder and see um how many like how recently he's had a match oh that's good or you can delete tinder and see if he questions you about it i think i would ask him about it that's probably the the most the best direct way to do is like hey i got to talk to you about something it's in my head i want this like if we're going to give this relationship another shot which we are i guess yeah um let's put everything on the table why you still got tinder why you still got okayupid? And then see what he does with that.

Yeah, if he acts like super caught, he'll get really red-faced really quickly. Right. I mean, Wolf did the same thing. He was somebody's best man at the wedding. Dude, I've seen Wolf. He downloaded Tinder on his phone. Yep, on the bride and the groom's phone.

Right. Swiped for a while, too. They even had some matches it was it was damning to be sure and then they both find out about the other one and that's not the first time he's done that it's a fucking crazy thing he downloaded tinder on his mother's phone oh my god father about it oh my if you can imagine oh my gosh yeah i i can only imagine because we're talking about the same guy yeah yeah this vigil, this vigilante. This social vigilante. This werewolf.

This man. This coward man. This yellow man. Chicken man. Chicken human. So you're saying to confront him about it. Yeah. I say confront him about it.

But also, I stand by my... If he's got a lot of apps and it seems like he just doesn't really do a lot of maintenance on his phone, then maybe it's not a big deal at all and you shouldn't even... I think Tinder is a bigger deal than OkCupid. Yeah, I mean, OkCupid, yeah. OkCupid, you just sort of keep it running in the background of your life. Tinder, you got to really be actively swiping. That's true.

And I mean, like, I feel like you're pretty aware when you have Tinder. It's one of those apps that's just like at the forefront of your mind when you unlock your phone. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Do you think it's a necessary thing if you're in a relationship to delete those apps? Yeah. Well, I mean, what's in a relationship to delete those apps? Yeah. Well, I mean, what's the point of having them? Exactly. It's only temptation.

Right. I mean, I think it's, yes, of course. It's like a sign of disrespect to the person. Tinder is basically saying I'm still on the market. Yeah. It's an app that broadcasts that you're a single available person. That's a wolf move, to be sure. Oh, yeah.

Classic wolf. Actually, there wolf move to be sure. Oh yeah, classic wolf. Actually, there's another question about temptation. I think, I think, I think. I hope. Oh no, but we do have one more about marriage. That's what made me think of it. It's another female. It's another feminine name.

Russell Wilson? Oh, no. I would say that's an objectively male name. Hmm. Hmm. Okay. What about Cody Parkey? Yeah.

He's the kicker for the Eagles. His name is Cody, and his last name is Parkey. What about Mark Sanchez? That's also very exclusively male okay okay okay or you apologize or that's a stupid thing you said you're not apologizing you're saying you're not showing so you want me to say sorry and say okay yeah that's actually just a masculine male. Hmm. All right. All right, or you apologize for what I said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what? Yeah, yeah, okay. All right. Sure. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Someone who I considered, sorry, Cody Parkey writes,

someone who I considered a very good friend just got married. They had a multi-year engagement, and during that time, we have discussed her wedding and attended the wedding of other friends together. I assume that since we've been friends for over 10 years that I would be invited. Wrong. I was on Facebook chat and received a message of her double-checking my address so she could send me her wedding announcement. I was psyched until I realized that an announcement isn't the same as an invitation. I know that times are tight and that weddings are expensive. I have just always considered her someone that would be invited to my own wedding, Hmm. invited has this ever happened to either of you what would you do love cody parky so she's getting an is that a i didn't even know that i've never gotten a wedding announcement

that's strange is there a chance that she's wrong and she is invited i feel like i feel like there is can i have your can i have your address i want to send you a letter that says, I'm getting married, and that's that. I don't think that, wait, look it up. Wedding announcement? Yeah, that seems weird. Wedding announcement versus invitation. Yeah. I've never, I've heard of save the dates,

but that's also a precursor to the invitation. Wedding announcement versus invitation. Uh, let's just assume for a minute that she's right. Oh, wedding invitation etiquette announcements versus invitations. Those are two different things. You order a wedding announcement cards at the same time you order your wedding

invitation cards to save on expenses, but you do not send out the wedding announcements until after the wedding has taken place oh like the wedding already happened so she is she says i want to send you a letter that says i got married like the wedding happened and let me send you something that says i got married that's so yeah an insane dick move why would but here like why would you have it seems like there wouldn't be two camps. Like, I'll invite these people to the wedding and everyone else I'll just tell. Yeah, it's like instead of Facebook, it's like an announcement, by the way, I got married. Well, but why would you just, I feel like if there's somebody that I'm close enough that I want to tell that I'm getting married, I would invite them to the wedding.

Really? So everybody that you'd want to tell that I'm getting married, I would invite them to the wedding. Really? So everybody that you'd want to tell, you would invite? That's not true. Yeah, anyone I would want to tell in a sort of fancy way like that. If I ever get married, I would post it online or something. And then I wouldn't mail everyone who wasn't invited a letter saying, the party was dope, we're married, we're so happy. And y'all wasn't invited a letter saying the party was dope. We're married.

We're so happy. And y'all weren't invited. Nor missed. I can't stress enough that everyone who we wanted to be there was there. And we weren't wanting for anyone. No. We didn't miss a single soul. But also, weddings are so weird because it's like that's somebody else's thing yeah

just like i know it's it's so small that you would feel slighted it's i understand that you do but it's like this is your world where you were invited to a party but this your friend is getting married that's insane it's such a huge undertaking. And this one tiny little thing. You're going to make her feel bad. Yeah. Which she should be, but maybe not right now. Right. So I think we should say, don't send a gift.

Sure. Especially if you're mad. Yeah. You don't have to send a gift if you weren't invited. Giving someone a gift is like, thanks for paying for my fancy dinner that night. Right. You paid $180 for me to be there so i'm going to give you a gift that's that hopefully reimburses you for a certain percentage

of the cost exactly so no no gift but also no anger no confrontation oh yeah you can still be angry you just shouldn't bring it up right bottle it up and maybe you don't have to invite her to your wedding now oh that's good you good. You just saved some money. There we go. You know Wolf sent out that wedding announcement for the couple that had just broken up? Uh-huh. Yeah. The guy got caught cheating on his girlfriend.

He'll often do things like that. Right. And so he'll just investigate, do a little completely private eye, unpaid snooping, really. Yeah. And he'll find out a couple that just broke up in a very public, embarrassing, shameful way. And then he'll send out and he'll Photoshop a wedding announcements and he'll find out who their friends are.

Dark attitude. So much, so much effort to send out a wedding announcement so that then as they're going through this horrible, emotionally destructive thing, they're also fielding calls and emails of saying congratulations like they probably want space but in this time they have to be together to deal with this exactly and they cannot this pr nightmare our nightmare bullshit that he is just like and he's like a

master puppeteer and he doesn't see he doesn't get off at to seeing it because he's never even there like he doesn't know this couple right he's not experiencing the fallout he's often busy planning his his next con his long con short con it doesn't matter he doesn't even see it he just likes in the back of his head knowing that he he's an agent of chaos right he created this he'll start a forest fire and walk away his back turned the entire time right exactly even turning to look nor does he check the news to see if it worked. You know, yeah. Yeah. That doesn't get him off. Right.

What gets him off is just knowing in the back of his head that people are scrambling. That he's disrupting. Yeah, the status quo. The status quo. Things are different

because of him and always for the worse. Ow! Because he's hungry like John Wolf. Let's take a break and then come back and answer one last email thank you to draft

kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky

Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's notters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

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Thank you, Squarespace. All right, we're back. We mentioned we have the shows. January 23rd. No, January 24th in Austin. In no january 24th in in in in in in in in austin in austin january 25th in houston a texas two-step for sure uh anything else we should mention on this program oh didn't you want to mention that you can watch peter pan on nbc oh yeah because we were assholes and we didn't uh talk about it yeah allison's like so good to

us by coming on our podcast and we pay her back by doing nothing ever yeah it sounded like they got a lot of viewers anyway yeah they did they actually ended up getting millions of viewers without our help for whatever reason the whole thing went off without a hitch even though me and amir didn't promote it it was able to be viral even without our tweets. But if you did miss Peter Pan Live, Alison Williams, who's been on this show before, was on it and played Peter Pan. She was the titular role. Our friend Alison was in it.

She was in that one. Who was she? She played one of the boys, the lost boys. The one with the green. Yeah, yeah, Peter Pan. The green one. Of course. Yeah, the one that doesn't boys. The man with the green. The one with the green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peter Pan. Yeah. The green one. Of course. Yeah, yeah.

The one that doesn't grow. I don't know. Right. Well, the play is named after that character. Yeah. Oh, that's so weird. That's a funny little coincidence. Right.

So she plays that one. And you can watch it on NBC.com, you said? I think it's on NBC.com, yeah. So there's still time to watch and support Alison Williams. It's never too late. We're sorry we didn't say anything before the show. We were so high last week. I know, dude.

Yeah. We honestly smoked a joint. Yeah. And then we each ate a little pot. An edible. Yeah, an edible coffee bean. A pot edible, yeah. It was a little espresso bean.

We went Dutch on an espresso bean. We ate it Lady and the Tr tramp style with our teeth so close together that we eventually nearly kissed but definitely frenched we definitely our lips didn't touch but our tongues did yeah we were we were tongue licking each other to be sure um what was i gonna say oh yeah the laced treats actually reminds me of the time that wolf set up that bake sale oh yeah of course he didn't even don't he didn't even donate it yeah he just he literally started a bake sale yeah and urged so many people to bring stuff and bake stuff for it and he replaced all the treats so. So he would throw away the fresh brownies and cookies and replace it with his laced food.

That's interesting. I just realized I was thinking of a different bake sale scheme that he did. Oh, really? Where he actually made an amazing dish. Just like tons of sweet treats delicious food uh and all the science just said it's for a good cause it's for a good cause so people really supported the supported it he raised uh you know over a thousand dollars but then he he ended up donating the money to the kkk oh so he did yeah he took an ad out in the newspaper to say like and then like you know there are pictures of people giving money oh so it's like

characters right in his in his local community these are the people that went to the kkk bake sale oh like such a such a dick dick dickling move. It really is. That actually, it's so weird you bring that one up because then it jogs to my mind. Yet a third bake sale scheme. He was on that tip for a bit. He went through like a phase or something. He heard about a bake sale, like a neighborhood bake sale to raise money or awareness or something for like a, they wanted to turn like a firehouse into a public space. Yep.

So they were raising money to like make enough rent to save the firehouse. That's really nice. That sounds like a good cause. This one is super subtle. It's like almost nothing. That's almost what makes it. Everyone's selling these baked goods, and he showed up with 10 pizzas.

Just to undermine. I don't think to undermine i think more like he wanted the person in charge to have to tell him that they couldn't sell pizza because it was like a bake sale so like it was such a small thing that he like wanted to put this the organizer in a weird yeah just make them a little uncomfortable exactly because he you feel bad he spent a lot of money on the pizzas which he did uh-huh and then but like you can't just sell pizza slices and actually i did i heard about this maybe not from you but another one of our mutual friends because when he was told eventually you know the person was very kind they said like you know we can't um

selling this he he walked he threw them all out in a trash can in a big display and then like angrily stood around brooding nearby the bake sale. He didn't leave the scene. No, he didn't just go home. He like, he like, and this is even the craziest part. He brooded for like maybe an hour. Oh gosh. Then he stormed off in a huff.

Everybody felt relieved. 20 minutes later he came back and everyone was like a little fearful that he came back to hurt someone he had two pizzas didn't he yeah he was wondering he's like he came back with a calzone actually said maybe this will do and they felt too bad to like turn around but the calzone was laced it was laced and ended up being laced with like visine the wolf lives let's get to the last question one of my faves are you ready?

we need one last oh wow another lady we really shouldn't have chosen a football name yeah Eli Manning but like Eli is like a cool new but that's not that's not a player from the from the game that we watch yeah yeah that's true um hmm let's go with um lashawn mccoy that's perfect lashonda mccoy writes okay i have a problem i've been going out with this guy for

maybe three months. It started off as just a sex thing, but now we seem to be pretty fond of each other. So we are both seniors in high school and have different hobbies. I enjoy photography and playing guitar, but on the other hand, he enjoys parkour and phones. He's very attractive and has an awesome sense of humor the phone thing is weird i can deal with that but i've always had a problem with teenage boys doing parkour the problem is that he's really bad and constantly wants me to film him uh as constantly wants me to film him then make me comment on what he can improve when the fact is he should just simply stop jumping on rocks

so should i jump this should i dump this fuck boy and move on to greater better things explain to him that i despise when he makes he makes me film him or just simply deal with it and like him for him thanks leshawn mccoy oh my. So she has two hobbies, photography and guitar, which are both hobbies. Sure. And he has two hobbies, which,

uh, parkour, which is a hobby and phones, which is not, which is a noun. Yeah. I like, I have a lot of hobbies. I like jogging and ties.

Yeah, I do. I'm actually really into fishing and paper clips. Yeah. Not really a hobby, but wall. Yeah. Not a hobby. What do you mean that your hobby is phones?

I bet it's not that you build them. Really? My hobby is keys. Yeah. So it's just things we keep in our pockets. Yeah. I guess everyone has a phone hobby, or at the very least, a phone in general. Yeah.

He uses it a lot. So it's sort of a hobby. She doesn't mind the phone hobby. Honestly, it's actually kind of sexy. He has just a drawer full of old Samsung Galaxies and Palm Pilots. But unfortunately, when he's jumping around doing actually athletic shit, she can't stand it. It's funny that he's not good at parkour. Yeah.

It's such a fun thing to be bad at. It is funny to imagine him like trying to do a flip off a wall like six old iPhones come out of his wallet. Oh shit, my phones. My two obbies, they conflict with each other because my phones weigh me down. Yeah, these

crazers are sort of keeping my pants sagging down below my ankles. I have a backpack full of StarTax so I can't really do a good 360. Making your girlfriend watch you. Forcing her to film you do parkour. And then making her comment on what he can do to improve. You could definitely jump on this rock smoother. The way you jumped on the rock and jumped off it was um clumsy so sort

of make it i mean we've gotten questions like this from the other side where it's like my girlfriend doesn't support my hobby which is kind of sad i know that's what i'm saying i think it's like bad as he is at parkour if you liked him you might find this kind of thing endearing yeah so maybe you could take it as a bad sign that you have no interest in supporting this hobby but then also like what if you were dating somebody who was like yo please come see my stand-up comedy or please come like listen to my uh band sing at open mic night right and you went it was just like really objectively bad what happens what would you feel i don't know i would feel bad i would feel weird because i i would have to lie to her right say that was good and then she's like yeah nobody

else likes it like yeah they're all wrong i'm right it was good are you just saying that i'm not just saying that because i socially have to well some yeah maybe you just have to be okay with the fact that he's not good but that he is working to improve he's he will get better he has to practice i mean you can't get worse he's not going to be like maybe he's not going to be a professional parkourer yeah but he'll get better and he'll feel good about himself and you'll feel good so you should feel good about that that being said if you don't like filming it just say i don't want to film it but i like that you do it and i'll check out the videos from time to time but um we're not going to be a duo yeah i'm not going to be your spielberg and you my subject yeah you have your own hobbies he has his he doesn't need to like drag you you don't you know buy phones with him on the weekend supporting that hobby wholeheartedly i just hope he doesn't get

injured doing parkour at one of those parks that uh wolf has already gotten to you know how he does the oh yeah where he spritzes vaseline right and uh he'll do vaseline and uh i've seen him like loosen a bar on the monkey bars and it's always like the last one so there's sort of like one a lot of momentum yeah grab for the last one and then yeah you fall and he's again, he's never there to see it. Nope. He doesn't want to see it. The wood chips, you know those park with the wood chip floor?

Yeah, yeah. I've seen him just spread tacks around on them. Oh, or he very subtly makes them all point up. A lot of what he does is subtle. Subtle, yeah. So he'll make them all point in a specific way where it hurts when you walk on it. Yeah. Because usually wood chips are random, and over the course of time they'll just go around right sure yeah yeah so he'll turn

them all up and it's nearly impossible to id because he does it with the gloves he does it with gloves yeah so though i couldn't imagine a police officer you know again it's not a crime technically nothing he's doing is illegal which is so ultimately fucked beyond fucked right uh so support his hobby get into phones get into parkour you don't have to film him uh and if you can't get past it you shouldn't tell him to stop if anything you should just stop being with him. Right. Just focus on other stuff. Also, I just wanted to mention one time, John Wolfe, I heard he...

I think we're thinking of the same story. You do? Yeah. The old folks home one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is amazing. Where he went up on an entire floor in an old folks home, told every single occupant in every single room that their grandchildren were there to see them

and they would be right up. So they all wheeled out into the hallway and they were so excited and he just left. And I heard that story. I was like, what? Sorry, they let him in, this stranger in, and they're like, no, no, no. John has been volunteering here for a year

so that's it was such a long long long yeah and a lot of it is subtle a lot of it is subtle none of it is illegal and it's i don't know that's that's the wolf he's a nuisance yes but so much more so than that right because he. Right. Because he's only a nuisance, and he's nothing ever better. Right. He's a public enemy. I really think he is. So that's it. That's our episode.

Thanks so much for listening, guys. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, please send it to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We do read them all. We just can't respond to them all. The opening theme song was written by Amir Iqbal And the last one is written It's a rap by a lady named Ellie

So that's pretty exciting Thank you So thanks to everyone for listening I think we're back on Thursday this week Okay So that's pretty chill I eat, I eat We'll see you soon

Want some advice from two great mates. Well, look no further than Amir and Che. Their rhymes are cool and their jokes are sick. They're A-grade rappers and their improv's quick. His name is J-Wis, known as Da Pinch. Throw him a couple and he don't pinch. He's an anti-ex, pro-sex guy. If I saw him on Tinder, I'd be swiping right.

Their questions are dumb and sometimes creep. But Amir's little elf is a pretty chill dude. In a sticky situation, I'd be swiping right. The questions are dumb and sometimes creep, but a Miss Llewellyn is a pretty chill dude. In a sticky situation, don't know what to do. I'd listen to them if I were you. Hello? Hi, it's me, Ross Matthews. America's gay. Listen, I get it, life is hard. Okay, we all struggle.

Boyfriend problems, girlfriend problems, job problems, life problems. Which TV show to watch? Honey, I get it. Life is hard. Okay, we all struggle. Boyfriend problems, girlfriend problems, job problems, life problems. Which TV show to watch? Honey, I get it. You need help. That's why I'm here. I'm the gay best friend you wish you had. And honey, you know you need. It's Straight Talk with me, Ross Matthews.

This is tough love, honey, but it's worth it. Like plucking or waxing. Get your weekly gay pep talk right here on PodcastOne.com.