Segments - 12: Jake and Amir Pitches

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

In this episode we discuss D&D characters, cryptic crypto tweets, and being sick.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Amir, two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010 they were big on the internet, but then three

failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts. One last ditch effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second. Girl. Yeah. Nice.

We talked last week about your, your back issues and now your shoulders are up to here. Yes. My shoulders have kissed my ear. First it was my ass to shoulder. Now it's shoulder to ear. Uh, I did actually sort of hurt my neck last week doing my PT for my back. I was doing some hip bridges in the bathroom on vacation.

And that's like sort of getting up there kind of like a tunnel with your body a little bit. Yeah. Putting my neck against the tile of the bathroom because I was trying to do it. I was doing it in the morning and Jill and the baby were sleeping baby were sleeping so i want to do it out in the in the open right um so yeah pressing my back against the hard bathroom gave me a little bit of a pinch for the rest of the day and i was a little concerned yeah that it would be a lasting injury yeah all is right in the world that's good we we survive in advance um you have long covid you have you have long flu you got the flu and covid vaccine and it gave you the virus

and now you can't breathe you have a frog in your throat you have a collapsed lung your sinus you're oh my god they drilled your the balloon nose balloon Collapsed your septum You have dry socket Wet socket You have a prolapsed septum Actually I did get the flu So that part's not a joke I got the COVID vaccine on a Monday

Oh my god And then by Wednesday Avital was feeling sick. By Friday, I had a good old-fashioned flu, like shaking cold, sweating cold, headache cold. Have to take flu medication flu. But you know, now it's Tuesday, so day four or five, I sound sick, but I feel a lot better. And that's all that really matters. That is all that matters. So you recovered did you did it ruin your weekend yes it completely destroyed through a giant nuclear bomb into the weekend it was a three-day weekend and i spent the majority of it

in bed confused scared hot cold sore and and do you blame avital like are you mad at avital do you like when you start to get sick on friday are you like you got me sick damn yeah you got me sick you know now i'm whatever i actually i i'm thankful because whenever she has had covid or i've had covid we never get the other one sick so i'm like i'm starting to think this like whole viral thing is like kind of a myth slash hoax like i i don't feel it that way it's never like one to the next this one was a very direct transfer of sour that's good yeah it restored your faith yeah and the good thing about getting someone sick is that uh it takes a few days for the thing to replicate so like by the time that person's sick now hopefully you're better so it's sort of an evolutionary advantage right exactly whenever like whenever jill is sick and she tells me i get

like preemptively mad i'm like i get so i get anxious and upset and i and you know it's a little bit resentful i'm like yeah oh okay well then i'm gonna get sick you know shoving her outside locking the door we're like we're going to bed she's just like she coughs she's like i have a tickle in my throat i'm like well great now i'm dead yeah we i did the sleep on the couch thing in a in a hope to avoid it oh wow too little too little too late as it, so you got a bad night's sleep and then the flu. Yes, exactly. Back to back. Good man.

All right, but this isn't about our illness. That was last week. Right, our ailments. Yes, this one's about sort of surviving and thriving. You want to actually create life, specifically a D&D life for me, which we've done before, I think. Have we done it before? Did we actually? Maybe on our Patreon.

I remember you said we should create a character for you on our Patreon. We did a video there of me creating, you guiding me through a D&D character creation. Great. All right, so we're going to do it again, especially because I don't even remember that. And honestly, during the fever fever everything has become a dream so i don't know if that actually happened or if i just thought it during a night will sort of k-hole i went down one night

yeah your snoring is fully back now i had sleep paralysis slash wake demons visiting. Wake demons. Yes, that's when somebody barges through my door at 1 p.m. Yeah. Wake demon is not a bad name for your character, but we can give you a character name now, or we can name this character at the end after we've created everything else about them. Okay.

Let's name him at the end. And the only thing that I want to incorporate into this segment, this creation, is that the character should sort of be always sick or getting over an illness so that when I'm like, I sound a little congested and I have a cough, that's like part of my character.

Right. Okay, that works. So the first thing we're going to do is uh choosing a race uh lots of different fantasy races here from erikakra to tortle white that is i mean i guess you could go human white is obviously not white yeah yeah there was a push to call the races lineages or ancestors which it doesn't seem like that's happened on D&D Beyond. That has a take. Yeah. Okay.

What are the options there? You know, you could do custom lineage if you're hellbent on. I don't even know. I don't want to repeat it. Yeah. Which lineage has a sore throat most of all? I mean, maybe a goblin. I'll run through. So, you know, an Aarakocra, that's a bird person. An aasimar, it's like a fallen angel kind of. Bugbear, essentially what it sounds like, just a weird monster.

You got dragonborn. Then you have standard fantasy things like dwarf elves, your gnomes your goblins uh and then there's half elf half orc half laying hobgoblin human i don't hate that's a bird person you don't hate hobgoblin are those guys short sort of congested i think a hobgoblin is actually sort of well like here's the the quick bio war is the lifeblood of hobgoblins war its glories are the dreams that inspire them its horrors don't feature in their nightmares so at least they're talking about it sounds like sleep paralysis like yes they dream of war and the hobgob sounds a little bit like snot like globs in your throat yeah yeah exactly basically i want like a character that like uh it hurts when that guy swallows basically usually people would you know create a fantasy character

to escape their sad reality but it sounds like you want to i sort of want to just dwell on it yeah yeah you want to lean in okay sweet so we are we're going to choose your hobgoblin. A hobgoblin, of course, the constitution is going to increase by two, which actually doesn't sound like a sick person, but we can always mess with that on the day. Your intelligence also goes up. Okay, so hobgoblins are between five and six feet tall. So not huge, not huge. Okay. All right, let's go ahead. So, oh, hobgoblins are between five and six feet tall. So not huge, not huge.

All right, let's go ahead. Which I am. I am also in between five and six feet. Yeah, it's perfect. You get to choose a weapon. So there's a whole bunch of options. You are an ill hobgoblin. You are ill-looking and ill-tempered. You are thin. You are are weak you are drained of

your vital lifeblood and fluids you just woke up from a very long nyquil nap what weapons are you putting yeah and what weapon are you putting into your traveler's pack before you go adventuring can i like use viral warfare like coughing coughing on people, talking into people, getting them sick that way? Or do I have to like choose a preordained D&D weapon? When we choose your class, we could make you some kind of like maybe an artificer. That's somebody who's like making little potions. Like that could be you're making your own NyQuil. Or we could make you a sorcerer.

Kind of like a whisperer cloud. Yeah, you could be casting spells that get people ill for sure i think that could happen but you do you do get two weapons just based on your hobgoblin um race here so what are my options uh battle axe a blow gun a crossbow uh scimitar, flail, glaive, greataxe, greatsword, a hoopack? I'm not sure what a hoopack is. Is that like a Z-pack where I have to take five a day for five days until my infection clears? It looks like a little slingshot, which you could put a really big day quill in and shoot it down your own throat. That's good actually um did you think i knew what these

weapons were going to be when you're like which two weapons do you want and i'm like oh what are my options and then you started rattling them off like i would think i was thinking that you know i would think you would just sort of describe some type of weapon and i could tell you what it was like if you said right exactly but i mean you know you've seen ninja turtles they had different weapons you've you've seen a stick actually yeah i mean we can get you a staff uh yeah a staff infection yeah i mean that's that is perfect um sort of an open wound yeah why don't we get you a staff and a hoop pack okay you're because you're allowed to have two okay that's better than a that's better than what i was thinking the pill thing probably um

well i mean we still might be able to get you that that pill let's all right now we're into class. Now we are into class, okay? Okay. So here is where you could become a spellcaster, which is kind of interesting, and we could lean you into the type of fighter who uses spells that make people feel ill. There's also a cleric. That's somebody who's like a healer, but I guess you don't want to think about healing an illness, you want to think about causing an outbreak.

Yeah, yes, exactly. A pandemic slash plandemic of sorts. I'm on day five of Tamiflu, if that incorporates any of these options, maybe, like, is there a world where i'm on an antiviral and hope that i don't get a rebound case or anything like that like okay option that sparks that kind of joy um i a wizard yeah yeah because medicine is kind of wizardry i I mean, you take this pill, you hope to God that the magical battle that's going on in your immune system, the war that's waging in your bloodstream. It feels a little bit like you would want to, I feel like you'd want to be either a sorcerer or a warlock. And the difference between these is where the magic comes from. The sorcerer, you draw on magic in your bloodline yes so that's kind of passed down to you from generations uh and then the warlock a wheel is a wielder of magic that is derived from

a bargain with a an extra planar deity so that could sound like you kind of caught a cold from a god and you're passing it on. It feels good to me. It's sort of a curse. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. All right. And then you get. Oh, it looks like you get an otherworldly patron.

That's who gave you your magic. So I'll just read you the names of these. So this is basically who gave you an illness. You got your illness from the arch fae, the fathomless, the fiend, the genie, or the great old one. I guess the genie. I've heard of that one before. And maybe it could be a genie named genie. Imagine rubbing a lamp and then rubbing your eye and you have pink eye now.

Yeah. That's, I mean, that's absolutely perfect. I got conjunctivitis from a fucking antique. Yeah. Okay. So,

so now, um, so you have conjunctivitis from an antique. You basically rubbed, you rubbed a genie's lamp and then rubbed your eye yeah you got ill and you're gonna spread your illness across the the realm yes exactly okay now this is the this is the last part before we get into um you know your actual your character name i guess um. Is that a leave?

What are you holding there? Accentured Migrant? It almost looks like Dayquil, this nice blue round cube. These are going to be your stats. You roll 6D, or you roll 4D6, and you drop the lowest score. Okay? Like Yahtzee um exactly all right so i'm gonna i'll write this down um okay four four two five that's an 11 that's my fucking phone number man what are you doing what is this sorcery 81-9. Holy shit. That's a 14.

Ooh, this one's really bad. I rolled two twos and two ones. So that is going to be a five. Two pair. That's pretty good Yahtzee-wise, though. Yeah. But horrible, horrible for this. That's also a pretty bad roll.

That's only a 10. We got two more rolls in this. Yeah. This one's good, though. 13. well you know we got two more rolls on us yeah this one's good though 13 and the last stat for your warlock is a 12 or a sorcerer i should say are you a sorcerer or a warlock i already forget i thought i was a warlock but now that you mention it maybe i'm the better one okay well so now you have these are the numbers, 11, 14, 5, awful, 10, 13, and 12. And you'll distribute those between your strength, your dexterity, your constitution, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma.

So those things, you know, you think about like you as a man. We'll call him a Riz God. I feel like you have more intelligence than strength. You have more charisma than constitution. Well, yeah, because I can't keep food down. You have more wisdom than Dex. Yes. I'm sort of aged like a fine cheese, basically. But I can't eat very much these days.

Your guy is sick so i feel like we would we it would have to hit like his strength or his constitution would be pretty low no yeah yeah so like that's gonna be for sure just because i do feel weak weakish on the day usually yeah especially since last week um okay so let's put strength at five yeah uh and then your your con i think would be your next lowest one because you're ill so your con is going to be 10 um you are really smart because you would know how to get people sick so we'll give you 14 there um but i do have cog fog sort of uh yeah a cloudiness so you can't carry a conversation so your charisma should also be a little low um and then that'll make your just by default your wisdom is 13 and your um dex is 12.

Great. Now we have built your character. Dropped into a story or how does that work? Well, now we're going to have to give you your name. And then also ideally we'd be choosing spells here. I might have to lay down soon, actually. I am not used to like standing and thinking even just one one name where you're ill

um Myron that's not bad M-I-E-R-O-N M-I-E-R-O-N M-I-E-R-O-N no last name or last name or?

Last name. Wef. W-H-E-F-F. Got it. Myron Wef. Let me just. Myron W-E-F-F. Was that?

W-H-E-F-F. An M-I-E-R-f-f an m-i-e-r-o-n yeah are you okay not really but i am fainting that's what you mean yeah and then there's just like a whole bunch of different spells um that oh cone of cold that's kind of interesting that's a good spell that you could that's basically how i felt the first night when Spells that, oh, Cone of Cold. That's kind of interesting. That's a good spell that you could. That's sort of like how I felt the first night when I was like under a blanket and like in a fleece, but I still was like shivering. I felt like I was in a cone of cold, you know? Right, exactly. Spirit Shroud.

You can call forth spirits of the dead. Oh, Gaseous Form. That's great. Oh oh that's nice yeah yeah like i fart and it sounds like it smells like someone something died in the room basically phantasmal force there's a lot of darkness um that's like oh blur blurred vision really good stuff uh that's me or putting it on someone else. No, that would be your spell. So you're wandering around. You are adventuring.

You're sick. You shouldn't be out. Myron Wef should be inside. Myron Wef should rest. Yes, he has to. Myron, you should really take it easy. Myron Wef. That's like a guy being like, he left, but he can't really speak.

Where's Myronron myron wef what do you mean he wef wef did he go he should be at home watching tv taking it fucking easy and relaxing myron wanted to push his body yeah so that's kind of interesting i i don't hate this idea for a character who is basically just like a walking disease who shouldn't come into contact with anybody but as you he's a germ basically yeah he's he is the outbreak monkey except he's a hobgoblin named myron wef it's not a bad idea for a character. It's kind of interesting. All right, that's good.

I'm glad we were able to sort of use the reality to fuel the fantasy. And then like my secret move is like sometimes when you cough and then like you feel like the dark green phlegm in your throat, you can sort of spit that at people like acid, you know? Oh, yeah, that's a cantrip actually that you can do as um as a warlock uh poison spray yeah uh yes you extend your hand toward a creature you can see within range and project a puff of noxious gas from your palm but we can

say that comes from your nose yeah the creature must exceed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d12 poison damage from myron wef's clef pal my yoga fire of sorts okay that's good bacterial slash viral warfare yeah very cool good stuff good job myron i'm glad we got here thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah.

Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name

for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling.

Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general, but I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes, and I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot, like do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense?

Or like, do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple.

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we're WEF. Nice, Myron. Welcome, WEF. Yes. So here's a segment that's kind of really similar, but also the polar opposite of what just happened. It was an idea I had. Basically something that you understand that I don't.

Yes, exactly. Because of all the Twitter accounts that I've followed since the pandemic where it was like crypto NFT stuff. My For You page is just like, sometimes just littered with like, random insider tweeting accounts of like, NFT crypto world stuff that literally sounds like a different language. And as I was like, scrolling, I'm like, it's insane that I, after three years of reading these things, I understand what this means. And it's borderline not English, nor is it good financial talk either. It's like this specific language that these teenagers invented that I now understand. So I sent you one.

It's useless jargon. Yeah, it's useless jargon. I sent you one and I said, would it be funny if I tried to explain this tweet to you as a segment? So this is the tweet. We'll pull it up in post, but I sent it to you so you can read it. And if you're watching this on YouTube, you can read along. So why don't we just do a cold read of Jake reading this tweet, and then I'll try to do my best to explain it to

you as much as I understand it. Okay, so this is a tweet from Colin, aka The Value Thinker. Stop it. Which is, yeah, it's a verified account, which no longer means anything. Usually, and now it means the opposite. The verified accounts are like ones that have like 82 followers, but they pay for Twitter blue slash X, whatever they're calling it now. The value sinker, which is a very funny name for this account. Okay. Yeah. There's 3,000 followers and Colin is following 2,000 people.

That's great. Okay. Stop you. His bio is crypto investments, freedom. I'm trying to add value. Got it? Perfect. Got it.

Stopia, just starting the journey, considering we are not even close to being in full bull cycle yet. For those who stood by the community when Mojang rugged us to.005, it's about a 22X. Load hardest when red dripping sign, I guess it's blood, and fear all over the streets. Remember previous ATH was 62 cents. We not even 20% of the way back yet. Right now, the dollar plus price targets is realistic, would still only put us at less than 50% of what some comparables are at. Even then, there is still potential for much more significant gains.

Super early. You haven't missed anything. Then he tagged at hip. High topia and High Chain Games. All right, perfect. Of course, this is not financial advice, guys. Like, don't take what we just said at face value, especially because you can't really understand what it means. So it's really hard for this to be financial advice,

even if you wanted to sort of pour your hard-earned fantasy money into this. Yeah. And let's look at the live Hytopia price. It looks like it has gone up 15% since this tweet. We have to say that yeah so there was a if we put our entire life savings into this imaginary money we would have made more cash than the s&p 500 would have yielded over the course of a year or two okay so here's here's where i'm at this is what i'll explain it to you um you know in general cryptocurrency before we go any further i should say i don't care i do not care at all yeah so yeah it'll be very interesting to see yeah no i like so you're gonna explain this to me we'll see if i can retain really any of it

because it couldn't interest me less i wonder if you felt like this when we were creating a hobgoblin sorcerer, warlock. There's no way. There's no way Myron didn't understand that as much as you don't understand this. Okay. So when you said Stopia, it was actually a link to dollar sign Topia. So dollar sign is the hash mark of cryptocurrency. So like instead of hashtag BTC for Bitcoin, it'll be dollar sign BTC,

which is kind of interesting, kind of neat. Yeah, that is kind of cool. I like that. Yeah. So far, that's like an instant understandable upgrade from what you said, which is stop you. Right. That is just, now I'll know that from now on,

that's not an s that's a dollar sign yeah uh we don't have to get into the sort of backstory of how cryptocurrency is also sort of fake money but like bitcoin is like something that you can't actually buy and then there's like millions of smaller ones that are even less impactful than bitcoin all the way down to just joke ones that aren't even real, like dog coin and stuff like that. Topia is one about, you know, a video game that this company is making. We're not even close to being in a full bull cycle yet.

That means there's like bear cycles in crypto when everything is going to shit. Everyone's losing money. Everyone says it's all dying. It's dead. You should have sold. What are you doing? Why do you still have this? We're all going away.

Then there's the bull cycle, which is like, oh, we're all fucking fueled by greed. Everyone's buying. That's when it's like Dogecoin is going up. Oh, my uncle put a million dollars and now it's 10 million and everyone's really excited about it.

Yeah. And this guy's saying, even though it seems like it's a bull market, it's not even the bull market. Exactly. You think you've seen gains? You don't even fucking know. These gains are insane. Yeah.

Keep in mind, everybody that tweets about it has money and is incentivized to tell people that it's all going up so that they get richer. Yeah. For those who stood by the community when mojang rugged us to 0.005 um so this uh this specific project was a game built for minecraft nfts instead of characters i do you even know what minecraft is i had to learn about it during this whole thing vaguely i mean it's a video game, right? It's a wildly popular video game. Minecraft and D&D sort of occupy the same thing in my mind where it's like, I know people are obsessed with it. There's 10s of millions of people playing it.

I don't really understand why or how or what makes people good. But it's like that voxel pixel style, like Lego guy like building a tree and then like he goes over there and destroys people with an arrow and then like i don't understand what the game is but people are obsessed with minecraft got it interesting so this guy slash company built nfts for minecraft and was like oh i'll just put these two things together and people will buy characters and we'll make money uh and then at one point, Mojang, which is the company that makes Minecraft, was like, no, you guys can't do that. This whole project is dead. So they rugged them. Rugged them is called, they pull the rug out from underneath them. The whole project just dies,

which happens to 99.9% of these things. They're all doing really well. And then the rug happens, which is when everybody except for the people that started this lose all their money very transparent happens all the time there's no oversight because that none of this stuff is legal anyway right it's all just like these very quick little pyramid schemes it's just like they pop up you get in and out at the right time and it's all happening like a three-day span yeah well the people that make money are the ones that start it slash convince other people to buy it like this guy right but couldn't i do the same thing if i just if i just followed this guy and

invested all my money immediately and then pulled it out at you know later that afternoon could i make cash theoretically You could make cash accidentally, but you could also lose it theoretically. Like you could have put all your money in and then it goes down 90% and then it's like, oh, I'm out of money forever. Right, okay. It's kind of like playing roulette.

You could make money if your number hits. So this guy's saying this token, which was worth 62 cents at one point, was down all the way to a half a penny per fucking topia when mojang the company that uh started minecraft said now you guys can't actually do this this whole thing is dead so then everyone just sold all their shit and was like this is worth nothing i don't know why you kept this money this money is fake there's no game minecraft says no way right um uh load hardest when red means when everything is down he's trying to convince people to buy which is like you know part of the scam is that when things go down it's like i gotta still

convince people to buy my worthless things because that means it'll be worth more in the future right and and he's not wrong because if he does convince everyone to buy then it is worth more he's just lying in the first place exactly and he's saying remember before minecraft banned this thing this random token was worth 62 cents each keep in mind the token didn't do anything the game didn't even exist yet people were just Remember, before Minecraft banned this thing, this random token was worth 62 cents each. Keep in mind, the token didn't do anything. The game didn't even exist yet. People were just willing to buy it for 62 cents each. So if you had a thousand, you could, in theory, sell it for 620 bucks.

But then at one point, your thousand is worth $5 too. So uh-oh, Mojang rugged us. The token is worth nothing. And he's saying, by the way, now it's back at 11 cents, which is not even close to the 62 cents, which is where we're headed. You guys got to buy now. Like this thing is taking off. Remember when Minecraft said this whole thing was illegal? Yeah, that was really bad.

But now we're fucking back up. We're climbing. Everyone's got to fucking buy, buy, buy, because that's going to make me more rich. But what about the minecraft of it all like is are they just making it and it's not associated with minecraft anymore yeah like so this company so they kind of just they they drafted they rode the coattails of minecraft's popularity that's right got their token kind of popular. Not that popular because 62 cents is not a lot of money. No.

And then Minecraft said you couldn't do that because, of course, it went down to half a penny. And now he's saying, well, now it's back to 11 cents. 11 cents. Yeah. That's pretty good. All things considered. I mean, not really, because like what's the ceiling for Topia

if it has no association with Minecraft? Yeah. And it won't. Well, that's the big question. This guy seems to think that they can create slash invent slash make a Minecraft bigger than Minecraft that they own. Like they're not relying on minecraft anymore this company is now going to make their own fucking game you think minecraft

for popular colin is colin the one doing it or is colin the one seeing it is colin calling these things or is colin that's a good question like are you trying to just to add value or you it doesn't seem like you're talking about the value thinker. Yeah, I'm talking about the value thinker. I'm curious if Colin is an AI bot run by Topia to sort of promote their shit. Yeah, that's in play. But from what I understand, the people at the companies are kind of like smart computer nerds that are like trying to build a game and like create value. And then this people, the Colin the value thinker, these are like the fake influencers of the ecosystem being like, kind of like a D&D character. Like, oh, you want my bag? It's worth 11 cents now, but soon it'll be worth 60 cents. Why don't you buy 1000 of it? And I'll give it to you because you have no idea how big this thing is going to be. Who needs Minecraft? They're like the palace rats. They're kind of just eating the crumbs of successful people. Yes, exactly. But there's

actually people underneath them, which is like people reading these tweets, liking them, retweeting. Look at just even the replies to this, being like, yeah, this is going to be awesome. The target is a dollar, like, you know, all the little the hangers on to this guy, like people are even below this guy. And then there are people reading this tweet being like, yeah, I'm going to get my friend to buy this thing so that the value is up and up and up. So so yeah what do you think about this comparison between topia mana and sand that's really now we're really talking because the uniswap liquidity of topia yeah i mean dwarfs that of mana i'm kind of curious but also i like sand and uniswap 24 hour volume of sand being at 50 000 you have to what is that to me

what is that to you does that mean anything what is a uniswap value those are all uh those are those are all other games like there's been there was a run to like make web 3.0 games during all this where it's like i see oh this token's not just a random store of value it's actually part of uh the metaverse and we're gonna build games in the metaverse right and so you're somebody that doesn't even like the games though you like the crypto of it but you don't like the games but there are people out there who are like i like minecraft and crypto there are some people that just like the minecraft or is anybody that's liking Minecraft going to be into the crypto because that's what it takes to buy items in the game? That's what they're hoping is that like the success of Minecraft is going to leak into this like other ecosystem.

But who knows if that'll ever happen slash if this company really exists or if it's all just one guy and a thousand bots trying to convince people to buy this random token. And I think that's everything. Super early, you haven't missed anything. That's just the classic, like, by the way, you think you're late, you're not. You can buy this today and it'll go up, up and up, baby. Should we buy some just for fun and see how it's doing next week when we pod?

That's pretty good. We can hypothetically buy it. What did you say it was worth? 11 cents? Yeah. I mean, let's get like 10 of them, right? Why not? Okay.

So you'll buy 10 for $1.10. I'm good for 20 bucks this is it's like we're at vegas i'll buy 20 dollars uh see this is what you don't realize i'm calling the value thinker and i'm i'm basically trying to pump my bag i'm trying to get you to buy this shit for me why don't you give me ten thousand dollars and i'll give you the value of what it will be next week i am the great value thinker you're talking to colin right now if you can believe it uh never mind i'll let you know okay great because it's down to a penny again yeah minecraft just threatened to sue colin Colin. Wow. Shit. Great. My ass. Okay.

So that was, you know, kind of similar, but polar opposite to creating a D&D character is trying to explain to you what in the world is going on in the world of crypto. Let's make West Coast. This whole ecosystem, this whole thing was just buzzing at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was at home, like without anything to do i remember that's when like i was like in there on the

discord trying to figure out like what's going on where the money was going now these are just like three years later who's still there like scorched earth but people are still inhabiting it's like the people still at the bar at like 5 a.m when the lights are coming on you don't want to be yeah you really don't yeah and they're like by the way in 12 hours there's a fucking whole new boatload of people coming to the club we just got to stick around man me and you at 9 a.m we already got this booth let's just go let's leave our jackets here we'll go to a diner we'll get breakfast and we'll come back let's fucking back sober up. We'll sober up. Yeah. Let's go on a bender with the great value thinker.

Oh, yeah. You just Venmo'd me $180,000. Wow. You are. Yeah. You just pumped up the price of a Stopia coin, actually. Yeah. Well, I want you to buy sand. I'm a man of man myself, myself. Man, a man, a man.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. All right, we're back. Yes. We have more Jake and Amir videos to write and to shoot next month.

This is true. This is true. You're coming to LA. We're going to bake a bunch of eps, but we don't necessarily have the ideas yet. Right. reps but we don't necessarily have the ideas yet right so we're gonna pitch each other some jake and amir ideas right now or bounce some ideas around because i didn't come with any i assume you didn't either i got one really all right let's hear it yeah it's called jake and amir tennis coach okay so it's on location uh no, because much like the DJ episode, this is one where I've been hired as a tennis instructor.

So I like show up like frazzled with a fucking bag, like a real like... Headband. Like a tournament, yeah. Headband like, whew. Sorry about that. A hopper. If we do a ball hopper with just four balls in it at the desk

like you lost a whole bunch of your balls yeah i'd be like sorry fucking you know these teenage phenom dads fucking crawling up my ass uh what did i miss what did I miss? What did you miss? What did I miss? What's going on? You're a tennis pro now? Yeah, yeah. I got myself into like this whole fucking world. It's crazy, man. Like, just thank God you're not a tennis coach. I'm serious. You know Coco Goff?

Well, I'm Jared Goff. A different athlete, a football player is he i just i'm saying i coach a guy that looks like him what do you know about tennis not much actually i saw a tiktok video about how to serve and i fucking posted a craigslist ad or some shit and uh yes now i am on your yelp reviews look at that so and then i read that yelp reviews out loud just like in the dj it's perfect right it's itself yeah there it is tennis coach tennis instructor tennis okay um so i did i had the uh a leaping off point for another one but it's more of just something that i've noticed on, for whatever reason, on my Instagram, like, find or discover page. It's constantly showing me, like, home decor and, like, home renovation hacks.

There are all these, like, Ikea hacks where you can, like, basically, you know, turn your wall into looking like it's a built-in bookshelf or whatever. Yeah. But now I've gotten, like, hacks for, like, youshelf or whatever yeah but now i've gotten like hacks for like you know things you can do to make like an end table you basically get an ikea end table and then you like glue a bunch of wood stuff to it or mirrors or whatever and you make your own weird little furniture and i just the thing that i keep on coming back to is that none of it seems like a hack because it's all such high effort. And it's like, I can't imagine that it's saving you that much money than just going somewhere else.

Yeah. Or like, you know, go to a vintage store or something. It's like the idea of a life hack, but then it's just hard work and like actual skills. Like, you're not, that's not a hack. That's, I got a fucking life hack. I'm smelting metal later today. Yeah, it's not hack that's that's i got a fucking life hack i'm smelting metal later today yeah it's not a hack you learned joinery that's a that's a trade you really yeah because i was gonna say i got like a fucking mask and i made this this fucking coffee table out of scrap

metal yeah i guess that's pretty good we could do with a glass blowing haven't we threatened to do a glass blowing video before yeah but i guess you can get really sick trying to do it so it's gotta be one of those ones not really a hobby but i've gotten into glass blowing recently that one actually is a hobby and then you've just made all these really gorgeous bongs this one's a pretty dope piece ah you put the weed in here yeah wow what is it called when you can pull you like light it you could pull it out is that that's not the the carb right that's the hole that you cover there's yeah either i'm a stoner slash architect now i have a really hot girlfriend you had a creative mind this entire time you just needed to smoke you had adhd i had adhd i had rage and now I have a fucking girlfriend who's a surfer.

How dope is that? Oh, and did I mention we have a life hack where I turned an old RV into a really sick van? And then you shrug, knock over your glass bong, and instantly revert. It's like amnesia. If I hit my head again, I go back to the idiot i once no no no no girlfriend breaks up with you here here uh uh get high get high fuck does anybody have a joint it's like asking with the urgency of cpr does anybody here have a fucking joint is anyone here a dealer is there a dealer on the plane all right great

so we have two solid apps yeah um i don't know if this clamp can be anything what about walking to work with it like attached to my face and i don't really know or something like you know what's the thing we never we never wrote about it because we were mostly shooting in New York, but parking, just like something that comes up at the LA office. I see that in Slack. Like, oh, we need some spaces open for guests. Spots, parallel. Kind of like the traffic episode one.

Cool. So, yeah, like's working it's a ballet right or it's us in the car together it could also just be at the desk uh do you know anything about the uh the gate not working no i don't think so like because i have there's a bunch of Slack messages from you last night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put a bunch of stickers on the wheel thing, so I was trying to figure out why. What's the gate code? What's the gate code?

Does anyone know the gate code? I know it's 1 a.m., but somebody has to respond, or I'm going to try to break this beast down myself. I'm trying to get dinner across the street, and ballet is charming an arm and a keg as in first one to figure out how to let my ass park here i have 38 beers on me slash on we very late for a hinge day this now turning into a different episode where i'm you're reading slack messages like an old email thread that i wrote yeah all right that's good trying to trying to open up the lot to meet a hinge date sort of borderline lonely and horny like isn't

there one where i leave somebody like a thousand messages like hey i'm here i don't see you yet but yeah waving at you no that's not progressively drunker yeah yeah you're like back there in the kitchen you find and then it ends with you finding like realizing it was you're at the restaurant at the wrong date um and the very last one is like you just knocking on the door of her car as she's listening to the last voicemail. Hey! There's also something when you said parking. I thought it was like, you know, like the kind of guy that like helps somebody else park where it's like, all right, I'll let you out. All right, you got this one true, this one true.

You hit the pole. All right, you hit the pole. Move forward. Come up. It's not bad. You still have to one true. You hit the pole. All right. You hit the pole. Move forward. Ooh, come up. It's not bad. You still have to tell me before I hit the pole. Go in reverse. You're going to jump out into the street trying to wave him forward into you.

Ah! What? Yeah, I guess we don't have enough money to shoot. We're like, all right, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like going into getting T-boned by a chunk. Oh, shit. Sorry, I wasn't looking both ways. Dude.

Oh, it's a hydrant anyway. That's how it ends. Water everywhere. Now, one other half-baked idea. We've already done me with a Really Stinky Lunch, the doll episode. Yeah, okay. There's got to be an insecure

Jake episode to be had. In the bot. The last thing we did was work wear. What's... Oh, I kind of have this haircut now it's the mullet yeah that's like a popular it's the jake paul right or the paul pascal it's the it's the so i guess i you know i would just have the mullet i'll get it freshened up on the day. It'd have to be really extreme.

What about a rat tail? Right, we can make it extra long. Yeah. Whoa, a nice mullet. A mullet for this gullet. A mullet on this gullet. A mullet above this gullet. Because the gullet's the mouth, right?

Yeah. A mullet attached to this gullet makes the ladies full, full it, null it. Scream it. He's full of it. Or was Jake Paul at UFC 239 not styling i sued my niece to emancipate myself as her uncle you know you don't have to be her uncle yeah well that's what the fucking judge said i illegally emancipated myself from being an uncle i didn't want that level of

responsibility i also thought recently uh the next 50 like tweet oh that's good um i thought recently about just setting one you know how we did like you know amir tries his luck at dating that was the impetus of lonely and horny we just did like a big departure yeah um just setting one. You know how we did like, you know, Amir tries his luck at dating. That was the impetus of Lonely and Horny. We just did like a big departure. Yeah. Just setting one in me and Nico's house. Remember I get engaged in the Jake and Amir universe. So it's just like a decade later.

That was 11 years ago. Yeah. I've married her. We have three children just at our dinner table. I'm hosting Nico's parents. I'm not in it at all. Yeah. It's just a nice wholesome.

We have a really healthy relationship. You're practicing Japanese. Yeah. We play the Ellen DeGeneres heads up game. It's just an amazing, nice scene. Nothing is funny or bad about it. It ends with I walk into work and you've just diarrhea on my desk. That's what happens when you're late, piece of shit.

I was worried sick about you. I gave myself diarrhea and I chewed up your jacket. You're a dog. Whatever happened to nico my partner yeah oh y'all are still together that's nice it'd be a good cameo uh i wonder where is nico is now yeah we'd have to dig through the old call sheet haven't seen her in a decade plus um all right that's about it that's all i can uh physically and emotionally handle right now hopefully yeah hopefully we remember michael jordan flu game that's my flu podcast that's the

most i can give guys yeah i know it's maxed out what you just saw was insane considering the fact that i imagine he was sick and still came up with Myron Weff. What is possible next week? I mean, it's insane to think about what I'm capable of. Alright, for more of us, you can check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA.

Yes. And thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for watching. All these episodes are on YouTube as well, so head on down to the HeadGum YouTube channel. You'll see links to everything. I'm going to pass out now, but we'll be back next week. Right on! Of course, every Monday from now until forever.

Mm-hmm. And until then, let us know if you have any Jake and Amir show ideas or episode ideas. We need more episode ideas. We need more segment ideas, clearly. So leave them all in the comment section below. That's right. Bye, everybody. See you next week.

Ciao for now. That was a Hiddem Original.