Segments - 12: Kick Ass Dad

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

In this episode, we discuss strong dads, brain surgery, and how to be a better person. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by brooklinen brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets pillows comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door how do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool,

but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there.

Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened.

So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean

ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you. If I were you. I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. Toda.

Toda, indeed. Toda Stoney. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And this is a super special, exciting episode for two reasons. One, we're filming it. We're shooting it. We're videotaping it. Wow. Videotaping. This is going straight to videotape. It's going straight to a VHS tape,

right to our PO box. We will send you a copy. If you guys are watching this on YouTube, you probably already know that it's being videotaped. And if you are listening to it online, just know that you can watch us too. It's not going to be like a common every episode thing, but we thought it would be like a fun experiment. We called in a lot of favors to have this done. There's a cast and crew of like 800 people right now. Catering, everything. Roads are shut down in williamsburg and we are also uh starting to sell our first three pieces of merchandise that's your favorite one right hashtag dope this shirt is

hashtag dope but if you don't own it you're hashtag no i'm so sorry for that um so we're selling three shirts through busted teas one is just like the podcast logo, which I'm wearing now. You're so embarrassed to be wearing a picture of your face, aren't you? Yeah. That's so weird. If you cover me up, it's just you. That would actually be a cooler shirt now that I think of it. Excuse me.

A breast pocket and me poking out of it like a little jack-in-the-box or something. But yeah, I'd wear that. Sure. And Jake says, hashtag dope. And we have a third shirt, which we're not wearing yet, but it says, Seize the Cheese. We'll show that on the video, too. Those are available through Busted Tees. And you can find them if you go to ifirayoushow.com or seizethecheese.com.

Seizethecheese.com. So please, Seize the Tees, because we're excited about them. Holy shit. Is that the first time I heard you say Seize the Tees? Did you just come up with that, or did you know you were going to say that today? You wrote Seize the tease because we're excited about them. Holy shit. Is that the first time I heard you say seize the tease? Did you just come up with that or did you know you were going to say that today? You wrote seize the tease. It's the background of your phone. It says seize the tease.

You jerk. Why not at least make it a note? Why the background of your phone? So, yeah, for those of you who are watching this for the first time, you can listen to the show every Monday for it's a half-hour episode, and it's just Jake and I doling out advice that people email in you know they email us in at if i were you show.com no if i were you show at gmail.com with their sticky situations confusing with their conundrums and we read the emails and try to answer the funniest questions yeah that sounds

about right uh so why don't we get started? You know what? Fuck it. Let's not. What? Let's just chill, man. Let's me and you just chill. This is the podcast. Don't you get it? We read questions. We don't read questions. People just want to see us chat. Yeah. Or we just sit in comfortable silence. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah. People just want to see us sit. Let's check our phones for like a couple minutes right now. No talking. It's a video. They could watch us do it. I'm just going to check. I'm going to refresh my Instagram feed.

Literally. No hate. Here it is. No hate. I don't want a lot of hate. Yeah, yes, hate. That's a terrible thing to do. All right, fine.

I'll refresh it later. Go ahead. Yes, so let's get started. The first email was submitted to us. We're going to use fake names but real questions to preserve your anonymity. So the first question we received today is, For about six months, my best friend borrowed some money from me because he never has any and I wanted to help out.

I knew he would spend it all on cigarettes and booze, but I trusted him that I would get the money back. Now, six months later, I still haven't gotten them back, and I remind him all the time, and he keeps making excuses. My dad is furious at him and is threatening to kick his ass. Should I keep staying patient and let him take his time, or should I allow my dad to teach my best friend a lesson so that he knows I'm being serious? So he knows I'm being serious. So he knows I'm being serious? So should this guy let his dad kick his best friend's ass just so he... Hey man, you gotta give me the money or I'm gonna let my dad kick your ass.

He's rearing to go. I swear to God. He's a pimple on a chain and I'm gonna let it go. I'm holding the leash tight but How much money was it that he spent it all on booze and cigarettes? $13 probably Six months My dad is furious at him

And threatening to kick his ass Should I allow my dad to teach my best friend a lesson So that he knows I'm being serious Should I allow my dad Should I let my dad have at it? My dad is a 76-year-old war vet with no legs. And my best friend is an 18-year-old triple sport athlete. My dad just wants the green light so he can have at it, teach this kid a lesson.

My best friend is going to kick the shit out of my dad. That's so funny. Yeah, all right. Here we go. Here's my dad. All right, yo, you knew I was serious. My dad. Go get him, dad.

Oh. You hit my dad. Why'd you punch my dad? That's my goddamn dad, you asshole. He robs his dad, buys cigarettes and booze my dad is is a 91 year old black belt so should he let his dad kick his friend's ass um what no your dad's got your dad's not gonna kick your friend's ass that's not how the world works That'd be amazing too if he did

Holy shit, my dad just beat the shit out of you I can't believe that fucking happened It would feel so good as like a 50 year old To just know you can still beat the shit out of an able-bodied 20 year old I'd love to be able to beat the shit out of someone who can buy cigarettes and booze Yeah, you got like dad strength Yeah dad strength everyone just assumes dads are strong right like at what age do you think you're you became stronger than your dad you know there's um there's a really nice poem i forget who it's by let's just go on to the next question excuse me i just don't want to listen to

that excuse me that poetry shit it's all about how like the day this guy beat his dad in an arm wrestle it's really nice yeah i'll, no. It was on the dad's deathbed. I'd love to look it up, but you obviously get pissed when I look at my phone. Oh, I got pissed because you said you wanted to spend the first five minutes of the show looking, refreshing your Instagram feed. Okay, you know what? We can review the tape.

I haven't checked it in five minutes. Alright, so our advice to this guy is, if I were you, I wouldn't let my dad beat the shit out of me. Yeah, like make an idle threat. Say like, hey, man, my dad's going to kick your ass. Your friend will be like, excuse me. Yeah, I'll pay the money back.

No, my dad is not going to beat your dad up. He said he knew his friend was going to spend it on cigarettes and booze, and he gave it to him anyway. So this is a little bit on you. I want to look at the camera. This is a little bit on you. I want to look at the camera. This is on you. If your son gave money away and was not getting it back, would you beat the shit out of that guy? If I was violent, I'd probably want to punch my son. But I think as a parent, you have to stop using violence, right? No, I guess not.

Well, yeah, you go to jail for abusing your child. Yeah, but what if it's not your child? What if it's somebody else's child? If you're 50 and you punch your kid, you're like, that's jail. That's child abuse. Your kid gets taken away. But if you're 50 and you punch a kid, I don't know how it works. Listen, we're not lawyers.

I guess stick your dad on him and we'll see. That's your advice? Let your dad kick this guy's ass? Yeah, you know what? Drop the leash. Let him go. He's earned it. I want to see what happens's ass. You know what? Drop the leash. Let him go. He's earned it. I want to see what happens.

All right. Did I say that person's name? I can't remember. Let's review the tape. No. Let's figure it out. We'll call that guy Chandler. Cool.

So thanks, Chandler, for writing in. This next question comes from Phoebe. What's the theme of the names for this week? I can't figure it out. It's just weird names that I made up. Oh, interesting. Got it. My friend does drugs, and she has been trying to get me to smoke weed with her.

And I said, maybe. But then she started taking Molly, and that was her thing. And she was trying to get me to take Molly with her. But Molly is bad for you, so I said no. And now she is trying to get me to take a Whippet, or however it's spelled. But that can kill you, and I don't mind smoking weed with her. And I know almost everyone experiments with drugs in high school, so I don't think one time is that big of a deal. But I'm scared that if I smoke with her, then she will be willing to do more stuff because I have almost no willpower.

My brother said to stop hanging out with her, but she's a good friend. What should I do? She's not a good friend. You can't have that entire first paragraph and then end it with, but she's a good friend. She's pressuring you to do fucking whippets. You just said she wants to do something that could potentially kill you, and she's trying to get you to do it. I also like that she's strengthening the drug every time she says no. What sort of weird fucked up negotiation is this?

Then she started doing Molly. Then she started doing Whippets. I feel like we're too late. This girl's already doing crack. They're both living in a crack den. I don't want to do weed with you. All right. Molly?

No, I don't know. Molly's dangerous. Fine, fine. Whippets. No, I already said I guess that one has the most fun name. I'll do the weed. I don't think everybody does

Molly and Whippets in high school. I didn't do that in high school. Yeah, but maybe it wasn't around when you were in high school. Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, I didn't do any drugs in high school. Except for weed. You did weed. I did weed. Yeah, you did.

But weed ain't a drug. It's from the earth. You know what I'm saying? Terrible advice. Weed's from the earth, girl. And you know what? Technically, Molly is actually from the earth. Yeah.

Even the chemicals have been. Yeah. It's made on earth. They're all matter that was there during the Big Bang. Yeah. It's all stardust. Yeah, exactly. It's all natural.

Whippets, that's natural. Yeah, because humans made whippets yo that's from the earth not from the earth yeah i don't think so i might check they're from the earth thank you that being said we did seven whippets and took four molly pills before this podcast started so who knows what we're thinking uh i would say if i were you i'd listen to your brother uh he seems like the smart one in this relationship. She's not a good friend. Right. Not a good friend. If she's pressuring you to do drugs, like, you know what?

That's not a good friend. That said, yo, like, weed's dope. She's in high school. Fuck. No, don't do any drugs. They're all bad for you. And you should try to get your friend help, too. If she's going down this spiral of weed to Molly to whippets, it seems like there's no end in sight.

Try to help her out if she's actually a good friend. She's getting closer and closer from drugs to pharmaceuticals to just something you can get at a grocery store. To death, the ultimate drug. That's beautiful. That's our next shirt. Wow. Jesus. I'm crying. I'd like to take that drug tonight, Yeah. That's beautiful. That's our next shirt. Wow.

Jesus. Shit, I'm crying. I'd like to take that drug tonight, actually. Let's die together, brother. No! I was joking. All right. Moving right along.

Trucking. This one is from Ross. All right, Rossy. Rossy Ross. He says, Dear Jake and Amir, I have a monobrow. The problem is my girlfriend wants me to shave it off, although personally I think it completes my look. What do I do? It doesn't. There's no look. It doesn't complete your look. You don't know what it looks like it doesn't no sorry all right cool moving on all right moving on you know we usually ask people to uh send in their audio versions of them asking

questions and this week we got a very special video version holy shit so if you're listening you can hear along and if you're watching check out this hey j Hey, Jake and Amir. I'm Kyle Fox, and my dad was on your show for a little bit. Long-time listener, first-time caller. And after your advice in one of the last episodes where you said we shouldn't get into a long-term relationship before college, I completely ignored that advice and had to do me. And now I'm moving out to Cali for a little bit. And I'm wondering, how do I stay away from these slump buster festival harlot nudes?

Thanks. Wow. So there it is. That is insane. I want to answer your question, but I can't stop thinking about how much you look like Rick Fox. That's what you say to Rick Fox every day too. So he wanted, he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, but you know what?

He ended up ultimately deciding to do it. He did have to do him. And then now he's wondering how to avoid these ladies in college, freshman year, which is a difficult thing to do, especially when you're a tall, handsome man. Yeah. So my advice to you is um sorry you're fucked yep you won't you uh you just won't or you will and it'll weigh on your relationship so much that'll eventually that's what will

destroy it yeah i you're so handsome and cool that i want to give you like good news but unfortunately no yeah it is you i don't. Can you imagine his girlfriend watching this, though? Like, okay, Jake and me are going to give you... No, you can make it. You guys are good. I promise. You guys are different. Every other relationship is messed. What about beyond college? In general, how do people resist temptation? Maybe we should take it like that. College is obviously its own thing you're gonna it's way harder yeah because there's a lot more temptation there's a lot more

partying there's a lot more like there's you're around so many attractive young people at once that doesn't usually happen in the real world right so what you're asking me how i do it yeah because i don't i don't i i don't resist it. Like, my entire life is just giving in to temptation after temptation after temptation. So, what do I? This is, give me advice, man. What do I do? I guess it helps to think about the long term. Okay, you're enjoying what you're doing right now, but how will you feel tomorrow?

Do the cons outweigh the pros? Will the pain of the next three weeks be worth the joy of the next two hours? And if the answer is yes, cheat on your lady. Boom. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, dude? That's dope, man. That's dope.

You would literally have that internal conversation with yourself all the time. No, my brain is wired in such a way that it won't allow me to enjoy the next two hours. I need surgery for something. I really think I need a freaking lobotomy or something. No, my brain is wired in such a way that it won't allow me to enjoy the next two hours. I need surgery. I really think I need a fricking lobotomy or something. I need brain surgery. Cause you can't just be like, Oh, you have to think logically. Like if you're hardwired to do that anyway, I can't change. I really think I need a fricking neurosurgeon to go in there and change me because I can't do it. You know what? I, um, and while you're in there, yeah, make it so I want to eat healthy and work out. Can I ask you a question?

How do I be different? How do I be a different guy? Just because me is sort of messing with my shit right now. I look in the mirror and every day I see, uh-oh, this asshole. So I don't know. I'd like to change my face and my personality. You don't like hanging out with me? How would you like to be me 24-7?

That's not very fun. I go to sleep. I'd like to change my face. You don't like hanging out with me? How'd you like to be me 24-7? Huh? That's not very fun. I go to sleep. I'm little old me. I wake up and, uh-oh, here I am again. I drink. I smoke. I take pills.

I try to escape my body, but every single time I come back and I hate myself a little more. Just when you think I'm done, I pull me back in. Just when you think I can't get any worse, uh-oh, there I am to remind you I'm still a shithead. This is you talking to a brain surgeon? So anyway, I don't know if there's something you can cut out that'll make me better because I ain't gonna change shit.

I'd be down for a monkey brain at this point because even that would be a goddamn improvement. And hey, if the knife slips while you're operating and you kill me, that's fine too. Make it look like an accident, Doc. I know I don't have the courage or willpower to do literally anything positive. You can give me a lobotomy to give me the courage to kill myself. Please do that.

That's what he does. The operation was a success. You're the same exact person. You just have the courage to, you courage to end it, I guess. I feel that. I hate myself and I thank you. Can I recommend a Starbucks? I don't know. Is that pleasurable for you?

Call back. You've got to reward the fans who have been there the longest while still attracting new audiences. You know what? Fuck the new audience. Drake says, no new friends. No new friends. No new friends. You know what I'm saying? No new friends. No new friends.

It's a really mean sentiment, actually. There's so many people here right now that I didn't know last year. What am I doing? Yeah. Who the fuck are y'all? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm doing me. I'm doing me. Or he's meeting people.

I guess so. What am I doing? Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm meeting people. That's what normal people do. I can make new connections. Yeah. No, no, no. No new friends.

I don't have a wife yet, so I'll never meet her because I don't want to meet anyone new. Yeah, you don't need new friends. So don't make new friends. Keep the old. Started from the bottom. Now the whole team fucking. Yeah. I live my life in Drake quotes.

The only people I can meet again are people that I lost touch with when I was four through eight years old and have to reconnect with. Other people who started from the bottom with me and now are here. You heard that, Drake? Amir thinks you're a coward. Please do not hurt me, Mr. Drake. He's definitely listening to the podcast. He was ordering a Seize the cheese shirt and then he was like what oh hell nah so wait what's our advice for kyle um oh shit what's his fake name oh yeah

yeah i mean we show he said we can use this video so we can use his real name blur his face have fun in college try to resist resist temptation as much as you can if it becomes too much then maybe the relationship isn't worth keeping for now if maybe at the end of college, try to resist temptation as much as you can. If it becomes too much, then maybe the relationship isn't worth keeping for now. If maybe at the end of college, you want to revisit things, have at it that way. Just always be honest with each other. Yeah. Be honest. And you know what? Either way, you're going to have a great life. You're a good looking, smart, tall dude. And you have nothing to worry about. Yeah. So stop asking for advice. You're perfect. Yeah. I will actually want your advice. You're perfect. Yeah.

I actually want your advice. How can I make Rick Fox my daddy? Yeah. Will you give me a workout regimen, sir? How do I get my chin to look like yours? I'd love to be as attractive as you are, man. All right, moving on. Next question. Thanks, Kyle.

This one comes from Joey. I have a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him. I told him about it, and they talked it out and are still dating. However, I recently discovered that she is sexting the guy she cheated on my friend with. I told him about this, too, and they talked it out again.

I really don't think his girlfriend is good for him, but I'm not sure what else I should do. Yeah, who is... This vixen. This silver-tongued I really don't think his girlfriend is good for him, but I'm not sure what else I should do. Yeah. This vixen. This silver-tongued serpent. Talks her way out of any problem. She's talked herself out of two situations where she cheated on her boyfriend. That's insane.

I wonder what she's saying. Who's this fucking rat coward that fucking tells on her every single time, too? Yeah, you fink. You rat fink. You're the guy she's hooking up with. rat coward that that that fucking tells on her every single time yeah you think you rat think you're the guy she's hooking up with hey man your girlfriend's sexting me i'm sorry uh yeah we talked it out it's okay jesus really he's okay with it too how are you talking it out and we should say when you're like i'm sexed i've sexted someone. Maybe she's so attractive that the guy's like, you know, whatever. Whatever you want to do, that's fine. We talked it out twice.

What else? I mean, if you already told the person and they're okay with it, what else can you do? Yeah. I mean, you've basically told them what you think, that she's not good for this person. And clearly she's not. But, I mean, mind your business, dude.

That ain't your problem. Jesus. If you saw your friend getting cheated on, would you tell him? I think, I mean, I'd probably do what he has done. Just be like, tell him. She does it again. Tell him. But I mean, like, what are you, you can't like physically.

Tear people apart. I guess I'd ask to be there for this discussion where she's clearly brainwashing him. She's like the oh fuck, who's the red priest? The fire... I'm just going to ask the guys behind the camera because they'll know. In Game of Thrones, who's the red princess lady?

I don't remember her name either. There's a lot of nerds watching this podcast yelling at their computer right now. I think it's Jessica Rabbit. I feel like what you're thinking about. Your friend is being Stannis Baratheon right now. Yes. Oh, totally. Are you kidding me?

Stannis Baratheon. Yeah, yeah. Stannis Baratheon by this girl who's not good. You're trying to, you're. Yeah, you're like Jon Snow and she's like, oh no. Let's cut. Let's cut me out of the podcast. Let's end the show, not this episode, but for good.

And yeah, I think we're done. I bet we cut me out of my life right now. And I just go home and never talk to any of you again. I'd love to see a brain surgeon tomorrow. A brain and face surgeon. I want a be not need, sir. Doc. While you're in there, can you take my wisdom teeth out?

I want no wisdom teeth and a new personality slash lease on life. Oh, P.S. How about some pecs? This is not. You're at a walk-in clinic. You need to leave. We can treat you for your gonorrhea, and that's it. Fine, I'll take it.

Thank you. All right. Next question. Can we give that guy advice? Yeah, you did what you can do, and you can't do anything else. I mean, you told your friend he was getting cheated on. Yeah, remove yourself from the situation. Keep an eye on the serpent. Follow ways i want to know yeah we should

have her on the show and be like what what are these conversations you're having that jafar style all right this one is from gunther gun, Gunther. After a few days of texting nonstop to a girl I love, she mysteriously stopped replying. I sent her a few texts until she finally told me to stop talking to her. I'm pretty sure this is a goof, but I'm going to play it safe when it comes to texting. Fortunately, I know where she usually goes on a typical day. Should I go surprise her at work, school, or home?

Thanks for the help gunther the the advice is where should i kill her yes the advice is this girl's obviously wants him to text him do you want to give her let's give opposite advice oh okay that's good uh so what's your opposite advice for this guy um i mean obviously she she thinks that you've cooled off so i would i like double time your efforts right now school work or home how about school work and home okay we're gonna text her we're gonna text her say hey i'm coming over i know where you live like send us some pictures of you driving over there is i know you where you live a little threatening no not enough yeah yeah like i know where you live you don't show up to her place with your bags oh that's good if you love her like you can't you can't slow down yeah yeah and uh when she said

uh stop talking to her that he was right that was probably a goof it was probably her way of being like okay you gotta earn this booty yeah you gotta earn this booty so like a lot of times. Sorry, wait. You got to earn this. Would you say that again? You got to earn this booty. So like that's what she's thinking. You got to earn this booty. Yeah. That's what girls say to you.

Yeah. So it's like, stop texting me. You got to earn this booty. I'm like, all right, let's kick it up a notch. There's nothing I love more than like you doing impressions of girls when they want to hook up with a guy. Because you clearly don't know anything't know anything right you gotta earn this booty has a girl ever said that to you she said i mean multiple 10 15 30 girls at a time they're always saying you gotta earn this yeah you you gotta earn this yeah like i'll go in for a kiss and she like pushed me away

and i'm like let me guess i gotta earn this booty and she's like, let me guess. I got to earn this booty. And she's like, no, not really. You just, I just never want to be with you. What have you done to earn booties before? I haven't earned a booty yet. A couple of times I'm like really disinterested and they sort of like let their guard down enough to stop talking to me. But like whenever I go for it, they're always just like, get out.

Oh, I got to earn that booty. Yeah. They don't say it. I say it, but it's like, they agree. And then like,

then the boyfriend comes over and starts like, Hey, I'm just trying to earn a booty. Quit it. How did you earn the booty? How many times did you text? The dad comes over and beats the shit out of me. 58-year-old war vet.

Stop texting her. Right, you're a stalker right now. Don't go to work. Don't go to school. Don't go to home. If you really like someone, you don't want to text them more than they text you yeah a good indicator of how much to text someone is how much they text you right i used to i used oh my god i used to do the craziest shit when i like would like girls would be like emailing or facebook messaging or even texting i'd like

i would use i would use like microsoft word and put in the words to make sure my word count was always less than theirs. Wow. When was this? I mean, it was like fucking six months ago. Weeks ago at this point. It was not long ago. So you never want to put more effort than the girl is. Or at least equal effort.

You never want to be putting more. Just equal to less. I don't even think less is a good move. I'm always like equal effort everybody's on the same page i think that's the way to do it but does that ever like cycle out of like proportion so it's like all right i do a little bit she does a little bit and then a little bit more and then you match it and then it's like holy shit we're sending like full paragraphs to each other i get fucking excited thinking about text i think that's my problem doc i get excited

like my phone's vibrating twice since we've been here and it's like oh man i fucking wonder what the texts say i wonder what the texts say. I wonder what the texts say. Keep that part of my brain. Change literally everything else. I like texts. What if you were born 20 years ago? I'd be a better person.

I'd be better. Text is your number one game. Yeah, that's fucking number one. That's it. Yeah, number one, and that's it. You also said that if you didn't have an iPhone, if you had to use a different phone. Oh, yeah, that was another thing. yeah that's all that's fucking number one that's that's it yeah number one and that's it and you you also said that if you didn't have an iphone if you had to use like a different phone oh yeah that was another thing it would ruin your game i was thinking did i tell you when we were in

iceland i was thinking about um trading in my iphone and getting just like a shitty little flip phone oh that'll make me a better person because you'll text less yeah interesting you think you're ever gonna do that i promise myself i do it in the fall well you're gonna get a flip phone so that you'll text less yeah that's your way of becoming a better person yeah getting a worse phone getting a worse phone i well i think my phone enables me well i think you have such deep-seated terrible issues you don't respect people so why would you get a less... Excuse me! Yeah! Excuse me! No, stop recording! Don't respect people! Yeah, you absolutely

don't respect people. I'll get a Motorola StarTAC and I'll be fine! How about a frickin' Razr? How much do I respect you now? A Razr? I got a Crazer! I'm playing Snake too much to abuse you, emotionally or physically. The only thing I'm conquering now, I'm slaying the

Snake game. So, our advice to you, get a worse phone. Right. Where did we... What was this guy, the stalker? Yeah. Leave her alone. Cool. I think that's all the time we have. I don't know how long we've been going, but I bet 30 minutes at least.

Thank you guys so much for listening. If you're watching this for the first time, you can go to ifirewshow.com to listen to all of our previous episodes. If you guys like this video, we'll try to do one every couple months, just to keep it fresh. And that email again, if you've

never emailed the show, if you have any tips, suggestions, or sticky situations of your own, is ifirewshow at gmail.com and yeah oh yeah the shirts remember shirts at busted teas uh you can go to if i were you show.com for more info about that thanks so much for watching um oh we're also accepting theme song submissions we open the one with today with stoney who's our remixer extraordinaire because we love it so much and we're going to end with another classic of ours we do let's plug our our fearless crew uh on twitter you guys can follow wise guy pictures right is that it wise guy pictures on twitter mikey you want to plug anything

i've never seen people look so nervous right now mike carnell on twitter Mike Carnell on Twitter. Mike Carnell on Twitter? Follow him, man. Buy the shirt, seize the cheese. Follow Mike Carnell on Twitter. We're out. Oh, this song is for Matt Gilroy. This song is for Macklemore.

Holy shit. Yeah, shit. If I were you, podcast show. If I were you, podcast show. If I were you, I'd take a break with Amir and Jake. Listen to the podcast show.