Segments - 120: Cucumber

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

In this episode we discuss texting lovers and trusting others. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Audible.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah Visionlifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. This was an exciting episode, a bonus Thursday episode at that. A little

special guest. I don't want to give too much away. So let's just say things got real. Things did get real. And enjoy. Now this is a podcast all about how your life got flipped, turned upside down. You probably have no friends or family, so sit right there. The stupid problems can be solved by Jake and Amir. In New York City, New York, you might call it fate, is where Jake and Amir spent most of their days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool and all clowning on Amir when really Jake's the fool. Till these couple of bros, what do you know?

Got sent to LA to start a TV show. They got him one Wednesday black. Let me make myself clear. This is If I Were You and it's about to get real. That was Will Smith. We're honored, Mr. Smith. We are honored, floored, coy, and dumb for you. I'm humbled to have such a rock star and a movie star and a rap aficionado create a song for me.

I really am humbled. I'm absolutely humbled. Why are you humbled? I deserved it, but it doesn't mean it's any less humbling. So you aren't humbled i do think i needed and deserved a rap from will smith and i needed and deserved his adoration it doesn't sound like you're humble at all that you say you deserve a rap from will smith i'm humbled by it it doesn't see you don't seem so humbled you seem like you're the opposite of

humble you're like extra confident and cocky now. Well, yeah. You think so much more of yourself. Personally, I think it was about time. But I am humbled. So you're not humbled at all. That was actually a guy named Danae Berain. Danae Berain.

And he wanted us to give a shout out to his bro, Steve Casa. And we have to do anything he does because he wrote a rap and a song well he doesn't have like a soundcloud or youtube where he writes sounds like that was the only time he's ever done it yeah but it was i was it's good to like show that like you don't need a well-produced amazing thing right you just need a good idea yeah good execution i think this it almost says more that he like he doesn't make raps for it would be really bad if he does yeah because he would have to invest in better equipment than uh the photo booth on his computer probably yeah yeah good job thank you thank youe. Cheers and ta-da, for sure. And this is If I Were You.

It's an advice podcast. People email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. They ask us questions. They're like, oh, I don't know what to do about this. I'm in this predicament. Can you guys help? And we try to offer that help on this show. And then we record it. Let me finish. This one has gotten away from me. I don't want to show. And then we record it.

Let me finish. This one has gotten away from me. I don't want to let you finish. We record it. Let you finish. And we upload it. What I was thinking about was not letting you finish it. Of cutting you off here.

You're done. We're going to cut your losses. The entire episode, actually. It's over now. And also, if you have a theme song, you can send that into if i read your show at gmail.com we also still need thumbnail submissions when we post it on facebook we have like original artwork basically we we give you are the unsung hero exactly because we ask our

fans for everything we make yeah we say will you give us questions because we can't do the podcast without them uh-huh we say will you make us songs because we wouldn't be able podcast without them. Uh-huh. We say, will you make us songs? Because we wouldn't be able to. Start or end an episode. Yeah, we wouldn't do the podcast without them. And now, will you draw us pictures? Yeah. Because we wouldn't be able to post them on a podcast on Facebook without them. Will you make art for us? Will you make music for us?

And then will you supply us with questions that sort of supports. Right. Yeah. What do we do? Make fun of everyone who does everything for us. Let's get started. So we are in need of some fake names. These are real emails I'm about to read from real people,

but I'm going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's start with a guy. Should we call this guy DJ Jazzy Jeff? Oh, you've nailed it yeah 100 i nailed it all right here we go ready as the year winds down i realize that i have one big regret that's looming over me it is this a few months back i matched with a girl on tinder and we really seemed to get along however this came at the most inopportune time as two days later, I went home for fall break. This made me miss the window of asking her out, and as the week progressed,

we kind of stalled and the sparks just died out. Obviously, I could have asked her out when I came back, but I guess I was too stupid to do so, and now it's been two months and many left swipes later, and it made me realize that she could have been the one overly dramatic i know either way what do i do now is this just a lost cause to put behind me and write a song about or can i reach out to her and win her back thanks love dj jazzy jeff win her back huh yeah win her back he lost her he lost he had her he lost how do i win the heart back of this tinder match that I chatted with for a minute? Well, this is sort of a great time to plug our side venture, textjake.com, in which Jake

will text for you. He will give personalized suggestions. You coy roach. That's why you chose that question. Just for your... Let's say you have your own question that we won't read on the show. Your absolute capitalist pick. But you want to know. You want to know what Jake's personalized insight would be.

I won't accept this. But you will continue to let me talk. I'll take the money for sure. Yeah. But please, that is more than enough. So, and your expert, now that you're actually in your professional, since you're getting paid for this now. Your professional opinion. What is the best way to reopen?

Yeah, as if it's your profession. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty amazing. I'm a professional texter? I think so. I'm a professional texter! I've always wanted to be this!

And it's here! And it is now! And I am! I am one one i'm a professional texter i should have business cards you're mad you would have been mad at me so quickly you set this all up you you worked with garrett to launch the website you're promoting it on the podcast. You didn't think I might want business cards? No, I didn't think... If anybody out there wants to get me a Hanukkah gift... Oh, my God, you piece of shit.

You deserve that, too? I'm humbled by it. By these cards. I'm humbled by the cards. I can't believe it. This is so now. I'm hitched for this. I'm a real dating instructor, a life coach of sorts.

I'm a professional. So, you know, for this guy who gets a little bit of free advice, because we actually chose this question on the show, is there anything to, like, rekindling a spark that's been out for two months or it's dead? Can you rekindle a spark? My dad always said, Jake, if you just put your head down and you apply yourself.

Holy shit. If you just concentrate. You're still talking about yourself. If you just work hard hard you could actually be good at something and do something with your life you're currently well it's on you dad because i didn't have to do anything at all i just texted people and now i'm a professional at that i never had to work that is that is working i never had put in hours but it was inadvertent didn't feel like exactly inadvertent never had to i never had to hunker down inadvertently i still earned it yep

so now that without letting that go to your head and it won't it's so past that my professional head nothing will get to it i promise you my profession is too thick for anything to penetrate this head of mine oh goodness i am a professional so what's the question you already were one before the text jake.com website by the way before text jake launched you were already a professional. You were a professional comedy writer, podcaster, all this other even better stuff. And you felt no pride. I feel it now

that I know how it sounds to say the word professional. I didn't know that I was one because I didn't know the word. And now that I do, it's good and I am that. I thought you had to be really, really, really good at it. No. You just have to be paid for it? Yeah, you just have to have cash.

I'm a professional, man. Fuck yeah. DJ Jazzy Jeff waiting in the wings for his advice. It doesn't matter. What is he talking about? That's what I'm saying. Does the train leave the station

and it's gone forever or is it like a spark, an ember in a fire that you can then reignite with gasoline and oxygen? It's Tinder. It's like, I'll log on right now and message somebody I matched with a year ago. And I'll still have sex with them. Is it starting from scratch?

No, it's always nice to hear from people. So this guy's overreacting. Just write, hey hey long time no time what's been gucci that's there it is long time no time what's been gucci i honestly like that's how little it matters yeah you can write a text that's stupid and she'll laugh and she'll and you're back on her radar that's it as long as it's excited enthusiastic how amazing is this guy's life going as the year winds down yeah of course when he reassesses his regrets you know when when the year comes to a close you want to yeah sit down and say what do i regret let me reevaluate things and the one thing

he regrets is letting a tinder match slip to. Yeah, just go away. Congrats on your incredible life. Yeah, that is his biggest remorse, source of remorse. Isn't there something to the idea of momentum when you start a relationship? If you find someone great, but you guys can't hang out for a day, a week, and then you lose that that momentum and then the whole thing just goes away yeah but i feel like that's the momentum can definitely go away like you feel it but i don't think it's necessarily like both of people are feeling the same momentum it like would go it could go away for him right now and then she might just forget about him

so it's like my momentum's gone i had her like i i had her on the hook yeah she was into this and then i lost it she's forgot about me uh but you pick it up so easily it's not like it's just so easy it's just it's one person taking the effort and picking the momentum back up so it's not like you go back you reg back to zero. I'm talking about in the grander scheme of things, not necessarily this guy, because I think he just chatted. No, I think if anything, it buys you more when you like pick things back up

and then you can like build on, oh, remember this, remember this, remember this. Right. You're just like... And it's also the opposite of being like too persistent and crazy. He's like, he basically took two months off. You accidentally did something cool.

Yeah, you pretended like you didn't care because maybe you accidentally didn't for two months. Yeah. Yeah. So use it to your advantage. Exactly. So do I. No, I'm the professional.

I just realized you don't get paid for texting holy shit just i do i can still voice my opinion this is a pro i'm a pro of course and you're uh don't say it you're you're you're a nobody fuck off you're nobody i'm a pro and you're a no buddy you're a nobody i have a pro body and you are a nobody uh i have another text question for you well i can't really answer two in a row i'm a lot less good than i thought one really took a shit ton out of me all right let's hear it all right we need a lady's name hillary very nice hillary banks writes i love the show and i'm in a pinch that i feel only the pinch can help me with that's me i'm from england and in my third year at university i broke up with a long-term boyfriend about five months ago and have only recently felt I can get back on the horse.

I started talking to a boy on Tinder who lives 10 minutes walk from my house, and after a few messages back and forth, he asked me on a date. This date was great, as was the second, and so I thought, what the heck, and I went for it. He came back with me, and we got it on till the break of dawn. Here's the thing,, the texting is very limited. And when I say limited, I mean sometimes it takes him up to three days to reply to one message. To begin with, I assume this was because he just wasn't into me, but his replies are fairly keen and often ask in-depth questions when I have given him an out with an end of conversation text. Could his lack of texting be because he is worried I'll get attached? If

so, how do I let him know that all I want is a bit of Christmas fun? And that if he were to reply to me more quickly, we both may get laid more often. I guess the overriding question is, how do I turn this useless texter into a suitable Christmas fuck buddy? Help me

seize his cheese yet again. Love, Hillary. Man, I would maybe just say that what i'd love to get a text that was like hey i just want to have sex more yeah you reply to me i'm not like getting attached to you at all i just want to fuck it's a lot easier to tell girls advice on texting because they can do whatever they want yeah you wouldn't tell a guy to be like just say you want to get fucked it's like no they already know that if you want to you could send him three blank texts in a row then right let's have sex tonight and he'll do it yeah like there's nothing weird or bad that you could text but why doesn't he reply that's that doesn't make a lot of sense to me three days yeah i feel like i guess if it was

i mean that's just insane i would call him out on that yeah maybe some people are bad at texting but not that bad well it's crazy and if you are that bad then it's not allowed anymore and you get like you're you're gonna get called out and i think if you ask him something he responds three days later just write back and be like that was a record you broke it i've ever waited for a text are you receiving these texts via u.s postal service where you're waiting to get a letter and then sending it back to me that's the rate at which we're having a conversation right now you're playing correspondence chess and then if he gets defensive be like no i'm not gonna like i'm not trying to get you to talk to me all the time i'm not trying to make you my boyfriend i just want to get laid yeah maybe like a simple haha you know if you got back at me more quickly we would have sex more often yeah but that's a little... I feel like...

I don't know. Yeah. No, I wouldn't say that. What would you say? Well, I would just be a little nervous that that could look like... I think the word's entrapment. Oh. She's saying like...

That's almost like too cutesy. So it should be more... Like I'm using sex to get you to be my boy. Like if she's worried that that's what he's worried about. Yeah. I think that almost reads too much like a girlfriend text. Oh, like if you reply to me more,

I'll have sex with you more. I would just be like a little more, um, open on the nose. Hey, I don't not, I don't want to be your girlfriend, but I think if you,

maybe you like the first, second half of your thing, but uh well that's that's basically i just stole the sentence that she said said to us which is if you replied to me more we'd have sex more often right is that too on the nose well i just i want her to be clear that she doesn't want to make him her boyfriend. Like he's, you don't want to scare him away. The only thing that scares guys away. That's also flirtatious to be like, if you replied more, we'd have sex more. Right. So that's her saying like, I want to talk more and I want to see you more and I want to have sex more.

But other texts is just like, respond to me more often. I don't like you as a boyfriend, but we can all bone. It's funny that the one thing that scares guys away, even more than liking sex, is the fear of being in a relationship with a person. Then I'd have to have sex with that person all the time. No, I don't want that. Guys are so dumb.

Yeah. We're like weird little animals. You have to trick us into fucking. If we like you, and we like like seeing you and we like having sex, then we don't want to see you. Yeah, then the big fear is that we're there. Liking you too much is very dangerous. Why? Because it makes it so we can't have sex with everyone.

So sex is good, but the fear is that if you have it too much with one person you won't be able and it's good yeah then you won't be able to have mediocre perhaps less good sex with other people because the quantity is so much more important than the quality exactly yeah you'd rather have shitty sex with 10 girls than amazing sex 10 times with one would you say that's true uh for me personally yes for everybody i hate to speak for everyone but yes i don't know i think people are all different but uh yeah no for me yeah of course it's the's the, I think it all comes back to this braggadocious thing of how many ladies have you slept with,

where like if you can just not necessarily even tell people about it, but have in the back of your brain that you slept with like a good amount, or not a good amount, but a lot amount, like if 75, then you feel better about yourself, regardless of how devastating or awkward those 75 were right you just walk around and in the back of your brain is that number and you're like this is good i'm good i'm happy i think the the way like i just picture that person as a tiny tiny hero yeah because it's small petty and really lame yeah but you are heroic in your own head yeah you're like a small

you're a tiny little hero man yeah congratulations and it's important to you and you only uh-huh it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things or in the you know in any in any scheme scheme of things yeah whether it be a small scheme of things but isn't that the only reason why somebody would want to sleep with 10 different ladies even if it's not good yeah i mean i don't i can't i'm not a professional therapist i'm a professional a lot of things actually i am a professional therapist i'm a doctor. And I do have my MD and my PhD. Yeah, I don't know why I like a lot of sex with anonymous people. Why the quantity is good.

I guess it's like validating to feel like people want you. Oh, like you beat that many levels of a video game. Right. You're like, oh, I was able to be charming enough to sleep with this many ladies. Yeah. And it's like, oh, I get positive attention from this person, this person, and this person. Yeah. Let me store that positive attention like squirrels.

It's better than getting positive attention from one person. Yeah. It's like the maximum she can give me is 100. I'd rather get 20 from 10 different people than I'm at 200 confidence points. We got... Jesus Christ. 100 i'd rather get 20 from 10 different people then i'm at 200 confidence points we got jesus christ i was like fucking half hard thinking about it and you made a math base my dick shriveled i do see your dick is out yeah it retracted like one of those infomercial garden hoses where they sort of shrink to the size of like a all inside yeah that's oh it's starting to come out of your mouth it's so it's so soft

and so subtle does that count as me getting a blow job because i'd love to put it at the imaginary number at the back of my head it's like sometimes we get emails we're like i we hooked up and i think we had sex but i'm not sure does that count towards my number i'd hate to lie to myself it doesn't matter uh so this girl should just be up front, clear? I think so. It's weird if they had two great dates. Yeah, maybe he's just nervous and he doesn't want anything serious. Yeah, he's self-slowing down.

I can see him doing that, but three days is pretty extreme. If I got a text after three days. If he does that more times, just find a new fuck buddy, because it probably is not going to be hard. I remember thinking that people read texts within 10 seconds. And any moment after that is a deliberate power play. Yeah, that's true. So after 10 seconds, he's waiting three days on purpose.

Yeah, three days is fucking nuts. Nobody checks his phone every three days. My phone's always in my pocket around my in my hand yeah there's no there's no world where like i go three days without responding to somebody and it's someone i want to talk to that's why we all turn off our read receipts on iphones iphones have an option that says it tells people when you read the message yeah and the first thing anybody does is disable that because it totally takes away any of the air of coolness and mystery. Like, if I sent a girl a text message and it said, read right away, it just feels worse.

And it is read right away. Yeah, it's always read right away. But I don't want people to know that I read it right away and then respond in an hour and ten minutes. Even though that's exactly what happens to everyone always. Let's take a break right now. Wow. In the smack dab middle of the episode. Very nice.

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heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail

mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

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The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions.

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It's a Drake lyric. Oh, those are his favorite cities? Yeah. We should go to Atlanta. We have never been to Atlanta. I've never been to Georgia. Really? Yeah, except for like the airport.

That doesn't really count. No, no, God, no. But Houston's part of the Come and Take It Comedy Festival, and in Austin it's at the North Door. Are we on their website yet? Are we not? I don't know. I don't check more than once a week,

so you guys will have to do it for me, and hopefully we are. And the moment we are, we'll put it on our website so that you can figure out how to get tickets. Those are going to be fun shows. Yeah, I love Austin. I've never been to Houston. We drove through it once.

Yeah. What else about Houston? Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, didn't you just learn something recently about John Wolfe that we wanted to talk about on the show? Oh, yeah. We talked about John Wolfe, not really a friend, but like a character in our lives

on monday's podcast just you know a real life foe yeah he's a social vigilante of sorts yeah and we just rattled off the top of our head some stories about wolf and then like since that episode i feel like um we've learned even more about wolf yeah things are really coming out of the woodwork now and like people are tweeting us stories that they've heard and like we're getting emails traded many people yeah it's almost like lore at this point it's like urban legend oh you know what before you tell your story i just really quickly heard something recently that he went to a party like i guess he does this a lot he goes to bar parties like that's his thing like he goes he likes to go to like loud parties where it's difficult to hear people and he introduces himself as global so like you heard this one right yeah

yeah so his name is john wolf yeah hey how's it going good uh what um what's your name global and then he'll extend his hand right global no no global so the person will obviously not know what to do with that information because it's such a weird name right and then he makes them repeat it and they say they eventually get that it's it's this fake name is global g-l-o-b-a-l but he says no no no global and they'll just keep on you know global like just try different pronunciations. To at least be polite as possible. Right.

But it's so loud and it's such a weird name that he chose that it just makes people feel a little socially uncomfortable. Right. Again, it's not like a huge prank where somebody's losing money. It's of course not illegal. Yeah, it's totally within the confines of the law. Yeah. It's just very subtle and sometimes when he um when he makes people say global enough times yeah he makes someone feel like you know the maximum awkwardness

when he finds that one person yeah most uncomfortable that's when he leaves oh and that person will just go into their own head and be like did i what happened there did he leave because of me yeah what's something i did it just feels bad to that person that'll that'll ruin their night and again he'll never see the consequences of his action right nothing none of it is illegal so much of it is just a subtle little prodding subtle dickling and he leaves and then he's gone yeah not even basking in the consequences of his actions. It's ridiculous. It's so fucked up. What was the one you heard? You know, this is actually really, really twisted.

I heard it recently. He, you know, like at the... Wait, who are you talking about? Oh, Global. Yeah. Global. So, you know, like at Walmart and Stop stop and shop sometimes they'll hire like elderly elderly people and uh who are in retirement right like to help bag exactly just to like give them

something to do it's kind of like a sweet thing yeah and you know even if they don't necessarily need the money which a lot of them do need the money it's also nice to them uh because they're so lonely right it gets and it also it gets them out of the house right and it also gives establishes a routine a routine oh they have a job a sense of purpose yeah definitely exactly utility in the world which is really nice so what john wolf will do is he'll actively try and often succeed at getting these people fired how do you know that well because i've i've seen it happen what does he do uh this is he will he never he'll never get into um a heated argument with any of these people because it's too obvious or something um but what he'll do is he'll leave he'll he'll

leave the grocery store with his with his bags um and slice the bottoms come back in with the torn bag with all of his groceries super polite by the way never angry at all he never raises his voice would you mind double bagging at this time always in front of a manager oh i see and once or twice no big deal but if you do that to the same guy six Six, seven, eight times. Fired every time. So he does little things that gets the managers upset at these elderly. Exactly. Huh. What?

What? What? How is this possible? How is this possible? This is exciting. What the fuck are you doing here? Dave, why don't you actually join us for the second half of this? We're going to answer some more questions. It'll be fun.

It's kind of like a surprise. This is insane. Can you share a microphone? Why aren't you smiling? Ladies and gentlemen. Dave Rosenberg. Joining us on the podcast. Why?

You didn't know that you were coming to LA, right? I didn't. Wait, what is happening? Did you know? Yeah, well, I found out yesterday. Why is this? Tell me what's going on. I'm here for the podcast.

Flew him out for this second half of this one episode uh look can we answer questions with you are you okay to do that are you busy right now you gotta pay me though but yeah jesus christ you dick how did this i was also fucking horrifying because we're in your we're in your room. The door is just slightly ajar. You see a figure. And I thought it was Marty. And then all of a sudden I realized at once that it was not. And I was like, oh no.

And then, God, you look scary, man. Hey. Hey. Oh my God. Holy shit. Jesus. Did you get into a fight on the plane today? No.

No, I didn't. It was boring. We wanted to actually... I don't even know if you feel comfortable talking about the new lady in your life. Do you feel comfortable talking about it? I mean, I guess I have to at this point. No, you don't have to say anything. Yo, what up, Ana? I love you, baby. You know that, though. I have to at this point. No, you don't have to say anything. Yeah, what up, Anna? I love you, baby.

You know that, though. I don't got to tell you that. You do have to tell her in general. When did you meet her? Last Sunday. You met last Sunday, and when did you tell her that you loved her for the first time? We both told each other on friday night thursday maybe so after four days three days yeah we were actually one of the reasons why i didn't want to come

let's go we were on a six day in a row streak oh wow from date one to date six all in a row well it's not even a date it's just literally days we hung out sunday and monday night didn't on tuesday and then we did wednesday through last night wow and now you're here this is crazy this is like are you this is a real test for your relationship this long distance it is because especially because i was gonna have dinner with her parents, her grandparents, her aunt, her uncle. Holy shit. Her uncle and her two cousins. Her aunt, her uncle, her uncle, and her two cousins.

There are two uncles. Most people have more than one uncle. I did say that wrong, though. There is only one uncle. What was the point of this family? Her birthday is on Wednesday. Oh, and you're missing it? I am missing it. a huge what are you gonna get her i don't know i don't think i my love really i guess my heart is what i'm giving her uh see you think and she's as into you as you are

with her right or it's it's reciprocated i think so we should have you guys both on the show yeah that'd be great we want to meet this girl how did's going to miss me. How did you meet her? Tinder. So? There you have it. She's actually the first girl I ever met on Tinder. Wow. So you're one for one.

And she said I was the first guy that she's ever met on Tinder. Do you believe her? Yeah. Well, I do because she deleted it like two days after we met. Oh, that's what we just talked about in the last episode is when do you delete the tinder after yeah so wait did you delete yours though this is kind of funny actually this is a good story so we went to a diner yesterday and i brought it up i brought up like oh should we like tell people we met on tinder she's like classic anna and uh she's like oh did you delete yours yet oh wait this is what day of the week this was yesterday us this is oh so a week after you guys

one week anniversary right so she asked if you've deleted tinder yet yeah and i said i hadn't uh because i put in a lot of work right Right. I've built up lifelong friendships with people over Tinder. A database. You do have more matches per hour than anybody I've ever met before in my life. So I can only imagine what a year worth of swiping for you has yielded. Over 1,000, right? Would you say over 1,000 matches?

I mean, Ana was the first person I ever met. Yeah, yeah. So it's a bit romantic in that way so did you delete it so she did make me delete i wanted to ha i wanted to and she's right about this smart though because like i deleted the app and she's like no you can't delete the app you need to like go in and there's like two ways to delete it. Oh no, there's one that's like signing off and one is deleting the app. Cause you, I don't think you can delete the app, but then you can download it again and you'll still have all your matches. Oh, she wanted you to like scorch the earth.

Like even after we break up, I don't want you going back and seeing it. If I downloaded Tinder right now, I wouldn't have any of my matches. Like there's a way to go into Tinder and be like... Yeah, yeah. A hard reset. I can't even know how to... I don't even know how to do it again. She also made you delete your phone, right?

She said she wanted you to erase... She makes me carry a beeper now. A burner cell that only she can access, and that's the only one you get. It's so exciting but this is you're going to be basically apart for as long as you're together because you're in la for how long now uh five days yeah and you're together for seven but jake and i are going to go on a double date on friday i think jake just looked at me as long as i can find a date

uh let me let's let's i'm going to get another microphone so we can all talk and then we'll answer another email is that is that good do we pause it do you pause it it'll pause in in real life it'll be like a five minute break but in when i edited it out it'll be like i did it very quickly watch this ready see now you have a microphone isn't that wasn't that instant wasn't that great we can all talk at the same time and no time actually elapsed howdy he's back uh i'm trying to think of what okay all right i gotta guess i gotta go what a fun surprise yeah i won't put it on the the title so it'll be like a surprise for the listeners too that's fun yeah all right we need a female name how about anna because she is the only one she is the sun she is the moon she is the sky

anna writes so me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and i asked him if he had watched porn since we have been together and he mistakenly told me the truth. So after I got over the fact, after throwing the obvious girl fit that was required of me, I let it go. Well, I know he listens to your show constantly. I have even heard some of your stuff here and there. I got on his laptop to work on my schoolwork and I opened up an email he was getting ready to send to you too. I read the first sentence and realized it was about me and closed it. And then I asked him why he was emailing Jake and Amir and he said it was due to

me throwing a fit when he bought a ton of Xbox One games when I bought him the Xbox. He lied to my face. He was letting you two know about the porn mishap. Jake and Amir, I need your help. I simply cannot break up with him. I just bought him an Xbox One, but he deserves to be punished.

Sincerely, Anna. That's so meta. Because she talks about him writing in. She's mad at him for starting to write into you about the same thing she's writing into you about right now. Oh, wow. I guess that is interesting. That's Hippo and the hypocrite right there.

Well, she's really mad at him because he told the truth he had watched porn since they've been together which for the record is fine but she thinks it's not she thinks she threw the obvious girl fit which is totally quote-unquote yeah good she also thinks he deserves to be punished yeah which is such a weird us to be um so on board that she says after i threw the obligatory girl fit yeah you know you guys know the one you guys talk about the obligatory girl mad she should be mad yes why because you're it depends on what type of porn you shouldn't have said he watched porn that's his fault for saying it well it's not her fault for being mad that

he's watching pornography girls getting banged so multiple but are you gonna give up on porn now that you're with anna i'll say yes but i obviously won't be giving it up so you're saying it is okay to watch porn just don't tell your lady about it and you could almost it's like so at a certain point you could always be like also i'm gonna lie and tell you i don't right it's like so i think it's like, so at a certain point you could always be like, also, I'm going to lie and tell you I don't. Right. It's like so, I think it's like so non-important that maybe Dave's actually right. Wow.

He just changed your mind. You did a 180. Well, I just think, I mean, it's definitely fine. And I think it's like fine to openly lie about it. Just be like, the right answer. It's like saying when your girlfriend is like, do I look good in this dress? Yeah. There's never a reason to be like, it's not your best look.

It's like a white lie. Just say, yes, you look beautiful. Or do you watch porn? Never. You're the only thing I need. Right. Because you're saying sometimes the nicest thing you can do is to lie. Yeah. And I mean, this doesn't matter because it has no damaging effects at all.

On her. On her. So you might as well hide it. I guess if she's going to be mad, but I mean, it really doesn't matter. You're allowed to watch porn. So why not? I disagree, though. Porn is gross, and you should respect women in every fashion and form that your brain can

muster up god you got a girlfriend and you're gonna change i don't watch porn i actually i don't watch a lot of porn well that's because you've been with your girlfriend it seems like non-stop since you guys met eight days ago i'm actually a bit of a romantic in the sense that i i masturbate to previous sexual encounters that i've had oh i'm not sure that makes you a romantic in the sense that i i masturbate to previous sexual encounters that i've had oh i'm not sure that makes you a romantic it might make you a deviant yeah no it's a romantic does it make you a romantic does it make you a self-indulged uh sociopath that the only thing you can get off to you is you fucking other girls that's why i spit on my dick i don't even use lotion i'm fucking

myself what are you talking about you know what i'm talking about hawking them clam dip boogies it's enough no i haven't even started yet you're riding a high you're jet lag and tired and scared i'm so excited to meet this girl more than anything else I imagine it's you in a wig funny story I have a ton of stories already I went to the bodega on the corner with her? and the dudes at work they're like good friends of mine

very good friends when I don't have enough money they give me free milk like a stray cat they put it in a saucer for you coincidentally I've never had enough money and I give me free milk like a stray cat yeah they put it in a saucer for you i've never had enough money and i only get free milk they also don't know that they're giving it to me yet i also am a cat so then you walked in with her i walked in with her why would he be walking oh sorry you walked in with her yeah and and um he And he, so basically, blah, blah, blah. I went in the next day and he was like, hey, who's that girl?

I was like, oh, it's like this, you know, the love of my life. This is in front of her. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, oh, I was like trying to figure out, like, I was trying to make eye contact with you to tell you that she was hot, i wasn't sure if she was your sister so i like didn't do it and he said that in front of her too no this was the day after when i went back to get my milk he gave you an iou for a carton of milk um we you're so open with her me and jake were on

speakerphone with you for like an hour yesterday and then you started talking about her and it's like oh i'm with this new girl she's so hot she's been on speakerphone this you for like an hour yesterday. And then you started talking about her. And it's like, Oh, I'm with this new girl. She's so hot. She's been on speakerphone this entire time. And then she started giggling. You talk so openly about her in front of her, right? Yeah, I think that's like my thing now. Oh, you're like, I'm not gonna hide anything. Yeah. So she knows the real you? I think so. Well, what about the porn thing? I't watch porn though but you're saying you would you would lie about that in a previous life i would have but i'm a changed man now anna knows everything yes man anything she wants to know she's seen everything god what's her favorite color me what's what's her last name no you don't don't say i couldn't tell you to be

honest you don't know her last name i like i've like memorized what the facebook profile says but i can't pronounce it because it's kind of spanishy so you love this girl you said you love this girl you were she said i love you too You're prepared to meet her entire family and she wants you to. You're going to get married, do you think? I think so. You should not know her last name until it's Rosenberg. Yeah, that's romantic. Do you think she would change her last name to yours?

Yeah. Anna Rosenberg? Did she say that she would? It's an unsaid. Have you guys talked about getting married? Yeah. Have you talked about eloping yes getting married soon yes do you want to get married to her soon um i don't have the financial

situation to currently do that stopping you but that's why i'm here right now what you're you're launching a kickstarter to marry this this this lady that would be incredible let's start a kickstarter to get dave a wedding ring well it would actually it would probably have to be an indiegogo right isn't kickstarter only for like non-profits or something no creative projects though yeah because he would buy her a 25 cent ring at a grocery store uh i had a question um oh is any part of you like this is it's moving so crazy so hot so fast that it'll fizzle off fizzle out um not really because i feel like we would have if we were going to get sick of each other it would have happened after like day four oh so like once you reach day five you're pretty much you can extrapolate in perpetuity that like for the next 60 years i mean don't quote me on the day but i know yeah is it um i think i

think it's i think it takes more for two people to hang out like a week straight were you at your house or her house we we exchange we alternate alternate. She saw your room? Yeah. And she was fine with it? I cleaned it. I fixed my bed. My bed frame was broken for like two months. So this girl's motivating Dave to fix his bed. That's pretty impressive. It's a step.

Are you positively affecting each other's lives? Yeah. Funny story, actually. The first night we met. It's funny when the owner of a bodega told you she was hot. Now that I think of it, that wasn't a funny story at all. No, he thought we were related. Because she has, like, red hair.

Sure. Okay. And she's, like, beautiful and has olive skin like me. You do not have olive skin. My whole milk is heath. Yeah. Translucent has olive skin like me. You do not have olive skin. My whole milk is translucent. Your skin is translucent. You're like the skin of an olive. You look like the fish at the bottom of the ocean.

They get no pigment ever. Back in the Victorian ages, I was considered angelic. I looked pale. So what's this other funny story? Oh, the way... Maybe I shouldn't say this i will the she invited me over the first night we hung out to her place yeah because i started talking to her about like her job and her current situation yeah giving her career advice yeah and then i was like let me look at your resume and fix it this is date one and i did that oh you started fudging with her like resume to make sure that

it was cleaned up and looked better yeah so i get back to her place and i'm like on her bed yeah oh my god i just realized like her cousin is actually a big fan of jake and amanda i'm not saying anything bad. I love you, baby. No. It's like real talk, right? You ranted and raved about this lady. You said nothing even resembling anything less than neutral. Have you felt this way about anybody else?

It's better not ruin my fucking relationship. This ruins my relationship. How fragile is your relationship than you being on the podcast for five minutes? You were just describing it that it was so sturdy, the foundation that can... I'm falling apart.

I'm jet lagged. Yo, baby, it's a jet lag. Talk to me, baby. What story am I telling? Well, no, because I don't want to say that she invited me over the first night.

We didn't do anything. We haven't even touched each other. All right. We just kiss with our eyes, not even with our mouth. My question is, is this normal for you? Have you felt like this

about other ladies before? I haven't. So this is totally new. It is. And did you think you were capable of being so crazy? Love's got you feeling so crazy right now. I'm not crazy. I'm actually...

This is the most sane I've ever been. It is. You're eerily calm, actually. That's why I booked a flight to LA at 11.30 p.m. last night, because I'm thinking very rationally all the time yeah i'm on two hours of sleep and i'm feeling alive baby for the first time ever uh do you want to try to answer one last question before we have to go sure yes um oh shit what did we what did we even tell this girl what to do oh don't punish your boyfriend for being honest to you yeah oh shit i forgot about that that's not a good punishment of course yeah

he doesn't deserve to be punished yeah you should probably get broken up with you should also just break up with each other you bought him an xbox then he bought games and you got mad at him yeah that's a bad i didn't get that part at all there's a lot of weird stuff with that email but at the the the end result is don't yell at him don't be mean to him we're on his side yeah which is a sad thing to hear when you're writing in for advice you're like can you believe this guy you're like yeah we can i don't want to break up with him but he needs to be punished i'm on her actually he doesn't need to be punished and don't break up with him and you're wrong you're on her side i'm on your side Oh, so now you just love all girls. I'm just like a romantic like that.

Here's another female question. Do you have another female name? I do. Yeah? Guess what it's going to be. Anna? Yeah. That's right.

Anna too, right? I've got a sticky situation on my hand. I think my boyfriend is stealing my cucumbers. I didn't think anything of it at first. My cucumber slices were stored in the fridge to keep cold for sandwiches and things of that nature, and they were safe as they could be. Then I got myself a boyfriend, and ever since that day, the cucumber has gone missing. I went to my boyfriend's one day, only to find him making a sandwich using my cucumbers. I could tell because I bought extra large cucumbers, which

cost extra. Should I say something to him? Why is he stealing my cucumber? He is poor, but not that poor. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, love, Anna, too. I have a couple questions. Sure.

Cucumber or cucumbers, for one? For starters. At the very least, he stole multiple slices. Perhaps he stole one cucumber many times is this a single incident uh no it seems to be a recurring theme her cucumbers have gone missing and he's using them well she's assuming that they they only make a handful of large cucumbers a day yeah it's a for-profit business it's not than any of these so you think you're saying it's just you're saying it's just a coincidence that her cucumber goes missing and then he starts making sandwiches with cucumbers what she has to do is mark her cucumbers in some

really secret way yeah like injecting them with visine oh actually you get sick that's totally you know what yeah he has done that yeah he'll go to gelson's he'll go to gelson's with a syringe and he'll like inject produce so that like they have little holes on the outside but the person that eats it ends up getting violently ill not illegal for some reason i don't know he fucking gets he gets off to this weird social how is that not illegal it's i guess because he it's impossible to get caught so like i mean it's illegal technically it is illegal but he's never been like thrown in jail or like he's never been on camera it's easy to get away with yeah for sure john wolf this is john wolf we all know i like the wolf man of course

you do i love those eyebrows i wish i had half of his eyebrows so does Anna ever want you to get like your eyebrows dyed so you have them well I asked her if I could go tanning with her she said I couldn't because I feel like those would sort of bring out my eyebrows not in a good way but at least you'd see them because your eyebrows are blonde right now

yeah but then I would look so bad badass maybe let's go to a beauty salon and get your eyebrows dyed i'm not against it all right we'll do it i'll show you some before and after pictures of eyebrow dying and it's actually pretty drastic it's not though because i've showed you pictures before where where jeff tried it on that one eyebrow and you couldn't tell the difference it's really weird you can show people pictures and they won't know the difference if you have a standalone picture. Isn't that a little extreme?

Dying your eyebrows? Isn't that like too far? People do it. But like, do people that you know do it? Or is it like just like an extreme thing? Like people get Botox too. You wouldn't recommend that? I don't think dying your eyebrows is extreme getting plastic surgery.

Well, Botox is very, it's a simple inpatient outpatient procedure. What about crest white strips? Would you say that's on the same level as that's on the same level as dying your it's like going above and beyond but still not like surgery yes definitely i mean the cost how much does botox cost uh 75 bucks an eyebrow and then if i wanted to get my cheeks done that's that was an extra. Or that would have been an extra. You got Botox. What are you talking about? Your forehead is so straight. It's silky smooth.

What would you do if your girlfriend stole your cukes? You call her out? No, you're feeding your boyfriend. It's cute. He's stealing it. I think it's one thing if he's in her kitchen cutting cucumbers, making sandwiches. If he's taking them back to his house and not sharing them with her, it's a game of cat and mouse.

It's cute. I like how much this girl thinks of cucumbers. She buys them. She slices them. She keeps them in the fridge, nice, cold, and crispy for a sandwich. I've never cared enough about cucumbers to go through all this effort to have a cucumber on my sandwiches. She cares a lot, and so does he. He's the cucumber thief and he's like that's actually a

pretty chill idea it's so cold and crazy it's such an odd thing to steal because it's like a healthy snack it's not even a snack it's just a slice them up and you dip them in a little bit of salt water they're actually really tasty ladies and gentlemen oh can throw a little clam dip with that. It's actually very good. That's not a joke. You check out my website. Twincess.com actually has a recipe section for... What's in it? It's a little bit of clam dip, obviously, and then some cucumbers. It's pretty standard, actually.

So much of this could be... So a recipe that you put on your website would just be cucumbers? Well, there's other stuff. There's twincess stuff on it as well where my brother and i well yeah okay that's enough sort of go full frontal and do anything you can't imagine on tv you want to see more cucumbers check out twincess.com so what would you say to this girl confront to the boyfriend or just let the cucumber thievery go i say you do something where you film.

I don't know. Set something up where you can be 100% sure that it's him. There's got to be a sting operation here. What's happening right now is you can't say anything because he's already eaten the cucumber. You've already let the moment pass. But you're on high alert. Yeah.

Okay? This is code red cucumber alert right now. So you set up a sting of... Put like a GoPro in the fridge, weigh him back. Oh. So you have to catch him in the act. Yeah. And then you say, hey, what are you doing?

So a GoPro or like marking your cucumbers. Put a GoPro on the cucumber so when he picks it up, he knows you're watching. Yeah. Actually, just fill the cucumber so when he picks it up he knows you're watching yeah that's actually just fill the cucumber with dye so when he when he goes home to like cut that cucumber yeah he's like so excited so cold and crisp and then sprayed he's sprayed with dye oh like an ink sack like when you get to bank robbers he knows that he's been had well that's actually knock down the door with your weapon drawn you tell him to get on the floor. It's funny, the dye thing is another classic wolf thing. So he doesn't actually poison or ruin the vegetables.

He just makes them look spoiled. Oh, yeah. So when you slice open a peach or a mango and it's a little green, he'll be like, oh, something's wrong with it. Why would it be like that? This doesn't exist in nature. And you're forced to throw it away. Because every once in a while,

he'll also just handle apples and peaches in the grocery store. Because you're allowed to pick them up and test them. But what he does is he gives a little extra squeeze. On the thumb, right? Yep. And he'll bruise a peach, bruise an apple. And he'll do that several times over. And that's not illegal.

That's not illegal. You're allowed to check out perusing the fruit. You can hold produce firmly. Oftentimes, he'll take a piece of fruit from the bottom, hoping for that avalanche. Oh, yeah. And he'll make it seem like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. But that's every apple, every peach is bruised.

Still not illegal. Still very subtle. And it's like classic vintage wolf. So would you confront your girlfriend if she took your cucumbers? Anna would never do that to me. That's a trick question. Anna would never do that to me. We a trick question i would never do that to me i think i would be to eat the cucumber from separate ends and meat in the middle i think

i'd be too embarrassed you know why you know lady in the tram style here's why you almost can't you almost can't bring it up is because if he just denies it then you're fucked you can't be like i don't believe you and you also like there's nothing you can do if he just says no i didn't and like unless you make a huge a bigger deal out of it than it actually is really contentious yeah I don't believe you. And you also like, there's nothing you can do if he just says, no, I didn't. And like, unless you make a huge, a bigger deal out of it than it actually is. It'll be weirdly contentious.

Yeah. Because the other thing is like, if he did do it, he's like, oh yeah, I needed a cucumber, I took it. Then it's like not a big deal to him,

but it's a huge deal to use. And that's a weird situation to find yourself in too. How long have you been thinking about that? That you bring it up now. So this is what you do. You consider the cucumber a tax, almost, of having a great boyfriend.

And if he's really worth losing a cucumber every month or two, then you have to eat that. But then, no, remember, stay on high alert about this cucumber thing. If it persists, GoPros aren't that expensive. But maybe before you do that... You get a camera for the price of 250 cucumbers. He actually steals the GoPro? I'd be curious for you to try other sorts of vegetables

to see if he's just sort of a cucumber guy or not. Oh. Like what? You know, like throw in some carrots. Or just do like a half pivot to the right where it's like a pickle. So it's still kind of a cucumber, but see how he treats it. And maybe some clam dip too in there. That's enough about the clam dip.

No, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Put the pickle in the clam dip and see if he takes the pickle out. What are you talking about? He's not a clam dip. That's enough about the clam dip. No, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Put the pickle in the clam dip and see if he takes the pickle out. What are you talking about? He's not a mouse. No, no, no. He's not a mouse. All you need is some canned clam, sour cream, and then French onion sauce.

I'm curious if... No, listen. You put a cucumber and go into the clam dip. No, no, no. Because if he likes cucumbers, he won't be able to... He'll sniff it out. No, no, no. You think he's doing it?

I'm not even saying anything. I am hearing you out. Anna lets me finish my sentences. Of course she does. Don't you, baby? I miss you, boo. You know I miss you, boo. She's a puppy.

Because he won't be able to pocket a full cucumber, but maybe... Of course. If he swipes off the cucumber and put it in the clam dip, then maybe he just wants to... Like a glue trap? You want to catch him in a glue trap made out of clam dip? I'm just saying feed him cucumber snacks rather than leave a cucumber out in the open for him to steal. I'm curious. If you prepare these cucumbers in different ways, he'll just eat them at home and that'll be nice.

No, I'm saying maybe he'll just eat them at your place if you prepare the dish for him. So he can't just pocket a full cucumber and leave i'm i'm getting i'm no sleep i'm on no sleep i know i know hi yeah i missed you baby i love know that girl know that girl i can't wait to play this pocket at our wedding what this is your first song you might be a goddamn podcast you guys have a song what's your song come together by the Beatles because we do we're out of time I know

you joined us in the middle so it went by really quickly this is gonna keep on going I got so many questions the opening theme song is written by Danae if you have your own theme song or your own questions

please email us at firebrewshow at gmail.com the closing theme song is written by someone called Jonathan McKenzie. McKenzie? McKenzie. He has a name, and it's a good name. We'll be back on Monday.

Later, everybody. Thanks again, Dave. Oh, Dave's asleep. He is asleep. For those of you who are just tuning in, good evening. Up next, we've got a new song from Vance and the Pinch. It's called I Wouldn't If I Were You. If I were you

I would do you If I were you I would issue I'm wishing and hoping this love isn't broken But in my heart it's true But if you were me, would you seize the cheese? I wouldn't if I were you.