Segments - 122: Gay Barber

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

In this episode we discuss honest assholes, jealous lovers, and desperate measures. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Shout out Jake and Amir Go to dinner with This one chick's dad Cause you wanna get in it quick You wanna get intimate You just wanna get it wet Or maybe you watch too much Porn on the internet Maybe you're atheist But your parents hate And they hate this shit And your best friends Were the basic bitch And wanna know what J&A make of it Hit em up with the Gmail They might help you out

In that podcast Get a fake name Half ass advice And if you's a pussy Put on blast like If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you. Dope. He's good. More verses.

More. I want that song to be 40 minutes. I want that song to be the length of our podcast. That guy sounded profesh. He did. I just want to listen to him. I don't want to talk. did i just want to listen to him i don't want to talk yeah you want to listen to him over and over again uh well a couple great things from the email he sent first of all his name is sky buck sky buck which is a great great name yeah second

of all he's 20 okay just incredibly talented for that age yeah nowhere to go but up he's from the he's from the adirondack mountains and he's been rapping for seven years that's so cool so that's how long it takes to become good at something seven years of rapping and the perfect amount of time yeah and he's his email is very cool he says i'm i'm proud of my music i make i listen to every episode of the podcast and uh i like to think i've gotten pretty good mostly because i'm a narcissist but he is indeed proud of the podcast and uh i like to think i've gotten pretty good mostly because i'm a narcissist but he is indeed proud of the music he makes that's great so there you have it uh you think i if you really tried uh you guys just talked about me if i really want like if somebody made good beats would i ever sound really good or would it always sound like a comedian rapping

i think you could eventually sound good but like it's isn't there a part of it that's just innate yeah i mean he has he has awesome cadence that's what it is yeah i think you could but like you would have a specific sound which could be cool if you like really owned it but did you make up your sound or is it your actual voice you probably make it up to an extent like does kendrick lamar like make his voice high and that's his thing is this trademark i don't know because i'm not a rapper but i imagine you find your voice and you're like this is the this is the i mean people's voices change for sure right but you change it to sing or rap in a specific way i think so yes oh so that's like if you were

to rap normally that's not what you would do well i mean it's rapping is it's similar to singing like you change your voice to fit the beat and like it's kind of like how we change our how we change our voice to do this podcast yeah so like now i'm talking to my normal voice oh now i'm talking in mine but nobody wants to hear two people talk why would they we make it so it's like this yeah this is a pretty good voice yeah this one makes you know when you're at a bar like sometimes you'll talk i'll talk in a different voice oh yeah like you want it like a cool voice yeah so like just really like a just like a deep voice oh you make it deeper yeah like hey hey what's up yeah that's cool what's up? Yeah, that's cool. What's Gucci, babe?

It's like Joey's how you doing. How you doing? It's funny how well that works for him. Yeah, he wasn't that much better looking than Chandler or Ross, was he? I don't think so. Is that part of the thing, or did they just turn that character? They're like, we want a hottie, so let's choose choose matt leblanc in that world they like didn't know what they all like all six of the friends looked like because they were never like

wow uh rachel you're the hottest girl any of us have ever seen you're like uh as hot as jennifer aniston or something yeah sitcoms can't just like comment on how hot the people in them are i guess some of them do like big bang theory they're talking about how hot that girl is right but it's funny nobody in sitcoms ever says it's weird that we're all like really really handsome right we're all like good enough looking that we could be on television nobody ever stopped during friends and be like chandler that was like the funniest you just said such a funny line you should write stuff down yeah no one ever laughs sarcasm gets us they didn't laugh on friends no yeah we when we're hanging out with our friends we laugh all the time but they never laughed actually we're always

having a bad time yeah monica they were never abused by each other's jokes ross hated all the other five friends uh so anyway this is if i were you the only vice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh you're actually i'm sky buck what that's right you're stealing this man's identity cool identity it's i want to be a 20 year old from the appalachian mountains who can flow adirondacks either way i got some sick adirondacks yeah i thought it's from the appalachian no now you have even more respect yeah i like the adirondacks a lot i wonder sky buck should email us and uh suggest other songs of him that he he wrote he has a he has a thing does he he has he has like a band camp sky buck yeah but he didn't include it in the email did you know he sent two he sent two emails. One because he forgot to attach the song, I think.

I don't see it. Really? I just don't. I really don't. Oh. More info about the song submission. Oh, here we go. The instrumental is from Logix till the end.

And if you guys feel like plugging my reverb nation or checking it out yourself, it's yada, yada, yada. That's awesome. What? You dick. It's like, it's a URL, but it's kind of all right let's get started are you kidding me it's fucking hard to say it what is the what's the first three letters i don't even want to say because then people will be able to figure it out it's www i'm just i'm really fucking freaked out that people will just google skybuck at this point and figure it out themselves. And then he'll become like obsessed with this rap. If our fans ever become more famous than us, that's anarchy. Do you think we have a fan that became more famous than us?

Allison Williams? Oh, yeah. Well, she wasn't a fan. I thought she was more famous than us before she became a fan. No, I think she used to like our videos. Allison can weigh in by emailing us after the show but i have a feeling that uh someone said that she liked our videos that's why she was agreed to be in them and then she become she became a successful household

name yeah then she became do we take credit for that obviously that's uh maybe taking it one step too far like i'm not responsible for her success obviously she doesn't owe me cash it wouldn't hurt if she no favors and presents exactly and i'm not just talking about favors like compliments or coming on this show what are the compliments every enough exactly because i can't be favors that are worth cash yeah so she wants to venmo me money for this so that's like a huge specific cash favor yeah a cash-based favor where she just gives me money that's what i want can you do me a huge favor it's really just like asking for money hey can you do me a favor and just like venmo me 15 bucks? That's such a specific cash. I guess I will,

but why do you want it? I just want it. I just want, I just want $15. I just want to like have lunch today and be like, oh, that was free. That's a cool little treat.

It's a nice idea. You know, they say there's no such thing as a free dinner. So I want to sort of prove them wrong. By you paying for me. Let's, uh, let's get started.

These are real emails people are seeking advice they'll email us at if i were you show at gmail.com we'll read these emails and try to offer our advice at the very least we'll say what we would do in their situation you if i were you if i were you if i were you sky buck what what sky buck wasn't that at the chorus of his song sounded oh oh was it no i don't know all right let's get started ready i have perfect. Go on. We need a lady's name. Allison. I hope the next one is a guy. We'll call him William.

And then we'll be running out of names very quickly. Allison writes, I recently started seeing a guy that I met at a Halloween party, and so far things have been going great. It might be interesting to note that he and his best friend dressed up as Eskimo brothers. But anyway, here's the main catch. Whenever we hang out, he somehow manages to bring up the plethora of other girls that he's hooked up with in the past and tirelessly harps on how much of an asshole he is and how he can be a real big douchebag to girls. The thing is,

he hasn't shown me one assholey sign since we met, and I really like him, but I'm not sure why he keeps bringing it up. Is he trying to get me to think that one day this could happen to me? Like some sort of I told you so warning? Or is his guilty conscience taking over his past, just making him blurt all this unwanted info out? Thanks, guys. Allison.

Hmm. Interesting. First of all, she says he hasn't shown me one assholey behavior, but he is being an asshole in his behavior by talking about bragging about the girls that he's hooked up with. Yeah. That's one. Caught you in a lie, Allison. Contradiction. Right off the bat.

Two. caught you in a lie allison contradiction right off the bat uh two when you're a human monster and you said that girls the best thing a girl can think is that you hook up with a lot of girls because in some uh way in their brain they're like i want to be the girl that changes you oh yeah that's a nice little way and do you when you play that up to girls are you as overt as this guy saying that you're a monster saying that you're a douchebag saying that you're an asshole are you no you're a choir boy and you hope they hear that from somebody else i know they will hear that from somebody else without a doubt if they know anybody literally anybody in my life uh if that person is a nice friend to them they will they will warn

they will give definitely heat a warning they are always warned yeah and that warning is great for you yeah that's that's the deal closer yeah if the if the people who warn people not to hook up with me would just start saying oh you should go for it he's such a nice guy yeah that would i wouldn't get any i wouldn't get any i wouldn't get play i really wouldn't hook up i'm getting play for sure i wouldn't be able to hook hook up and shit you wouldn't get with anyone no i really don't think you would get with them i wouldn't get first base second base or third i remember in seventh grade my cool friend uh i'll call i'll just say his name roy i had a cool friend in

seventh grade is like when handsome guys became cool and nerdy guys didn't so like everyone is friends in elementary school and then they all take off and do their own puberty thing and he went off and did a cool handsome trajectory and i was like pale scrawny sidekick friend he would he i remember having distinct conversations. Like, oh, there's like certain words people are using now. Like, oh yeah, what's that? And he's like, well, if you like make out with a girl, you say you get with her.

I was like, oh, interesting. He's like, or you can say you hook up. Meanwhile, you were like six years from hooking up with anybody. Yeah, I'm like, that's pretty cool. I can't wait to use those terms. When I get with someone in college. Can I use it then?

How old were you when you had your first kiss? Oh, teens. Who was it with? I don't need to say. It was a French kiss. It was Roy. It was with a girlfriend. I hooked up with Roy.

I got with him. I hooked up and I got with him and or her but yeah things didn't start happening for me until much later i learned the terms and then i just sat on them for five years before anything was actually necessary so you're like 16 when you had your first kiss i was like 16 when i had my first 15 and that i was 24 when i had my first kiss i said i like 16 because it's a multiple 16 16 is my guess 16 is a pretty yeah it is right uh i honestly couldn't tell you specific but i would say 17 maybe 17 wow loser loser fucking nerd um what were we saying oh yeah this guy was an asshole yeah i do think he's like what he's doing is tempering your expectations i feel like i do that or i would do that you know sort of but not in the same way it sounds like he's not counting on other people to do it for him but usually that's uh if somebody has a reputation i think it's for a reason and if he's especially if he's telling

you that he treats women badly why is he doing that i there's only the only reason to me is to temper our expectations. Does that make him a slightly better guy because he's saying it out loud to her? I guess, in a weird way. Or is he just doing it to manipulate her? I don't know. This guy's baffling even you. He's breaking me.

Because if he was this way, and he told her he was a nice guy and then he like disappeared then he's a really bad guy yeah but if he's this way and he's like i just think there's he could definitely be saying it better you know you could go into it and be like i am the kind of guy that doesn't like to be tied down i don't like want to have any commitment to anybody and And that way, when he disappears, you know that he never wanted to have commitment. But I don't think there's a good reason to go into it and be like, I'm a shithead to girls. Let's hook up.

Just so you know. But it feels like he's trying to start the reputation. She didn't hear it from anybody else, so he's like, by the way, just so you know, I'm not a... Oh yeah, it's him trying to... Hey, I'm a badass. Tell everybody. Later. But, it's him trying to like, Hey, I'm a badass. Yeah. Tell everybody later. But you've been really nice to me. No,

I haven't. I'm a douche. Class A. Do you need a ride home from work today, baby? Just cause I'm interested in helping you out. But, uh,

if things get bad, I don't give a shit about you or anything that you do. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It is weird, though. If he is a shithead, then he's being kind and nice by telling her up front. Yeah. So at the very least, I guess my advice would be like tread lightly.

Fuck her. Fuck her. lightly be careful fucker uh just be careful and he's telling you basically to not have any expectations except that he'll disappoint you so maybe you shouldn't have any expectations except that'll disappoint you yeah that's fine yeah that's advice i think it counts i think i'd hate to ruin our record of giving advice to everybody we definitely don't have a record of that we've this would not be the first one we have asked uh all right i'm just gonna move on to the next question yep we need a guy's name william nailed it thank you We need a guy's name. William. Nailed it. Thank you.

Was I presumptuous to say that she was a fan of ours? Of course. There was no humble way to answer that question. You set me up to fail. I did not. You said you think... The humble way to answer the question was... Was it no? I don't know.

Pass. I don't like to think about it in those terms but i at least said that she's she's more successful than us yeah she's not arguable she's gonna be mad at you there's no two ways about it we're gonna get a snippy email yeah she's gonna say take down the podcast holy shit no way i was never a fan not from day one and not now not now not ever jesus christ uh all right yo jake amir and kobe i caught myself in a sticky situation i seem to have the problem where i love the feeling of people liking me so i flirt with them for instant gratification i love having multiple girls wanting my d at the same time the only problem is that I had been doing this whole thing when I was with my girlfriend of almost two years now.

I never did anything other than flirt via Facebook, Snapchat, and other social media sites, other than send dick pics to teen and masturbate on cam. She found out and was extremely upset. Somehow she ended up forgiving me and took me back four months later, and now she's still very untrusting of me i've stopped seizing the cheese since then but how can i seize the please to make her believe that i am not guilty anymore thanks for your advice please love william william william william these are all like representing facets of your personality.

Yeah. I mean, I love when people like me. Yeah, you love flirting. It's my favorite thing in the world. Do you like flirting with people that you're attracted to as much as you do people you're unattracted to? Do you flirt differently? Or do you flirt the same? I probably, I elevate a little bit when it's somebody that's really attractive that I want to like me. Do you do it the same way to a person who you're not attracted to and a person that you are attracted to?

I probably do it better to people that I am attracted to. I'm a little less lazy about it. Yeah, you're more agreeable, excited. Yeah, I'm more in the game. I'm dialed in then. Yeah, that's like Tom Brady in the playoffs. He can drop a regular season game at home and it's like tom brady in the playoffs yeah like he can drop a regular season game at home it's like oh that was a trap game right you know they're playing he's

still he still plays and he's still yeah yeah so i'm always i'm never i never sit it out no you're never on the bench just seeing what happened but in the playoffs he's fucking locked in you're you're you're the great tom brady yeah right uh you're. I don't think you're physically remotely close. More than anything. Your talent is so much more self-involved than his, too. I think Tom Brady has a lot in common. I was just comparing in relation to how hard you flirt versus how hard you flirt with somebody that you're attracted to.

I might be better at football than Brady. I can pass the pigskin i really as good or better watch this tight spiral i'm not gonna do it with a real ball but imagine that shit if i had like in leather in my hand just like do it oh that's really good knuckleball that's a 30 yard strike to gronk for sure uh so you like people liking you yes you flirt i like it and i like to flirt and then if you are in a relationship do you flirt less or you're like i can't not flirt this is just me always you just have to flirt i do and have you ever run in a situation where your lady's like you know flirting is just as bad as cheating you're currently cheating on me when you're really nice and friendly and cozy

to these other ladies i've definitely had girlfriends who are like i wish you were that warm and flirtatious with me like the way like you treat me like you're bored with me and you treat somebody new like you really want it you're bored with me and you treat somebody new like you really want it you're like courting them right which is exactly the case i'll flirt so hard sometimes that i do cheat that's how hard i'm flirting sometimes i'll i'll flirt to the point where i'm fucking someone wow that's so flirtatious yeah you tease have you ever like have you ever been in such a like a little flirty mood with someone that you that you fuck them until you both come at the same time yeah that's so yeah that's the kind of flirtiness yeah you give them coy little eyes and you bat your lashes and then you laugh

at everything you say oh oh then go down on them yeah and then my girlfriend is all like why do you flirt with her yeah and you're bored with me uh-huh yeah weird i don't know chicks are so annoying dude they really are so annoying uh i do think this guy's situation he said dick pics yeah that's cheating that's causing a lot that's certainly past flirtation that's sex that's sex but it's just a picture it's sexed i don't think there's something flirtatious about sexting i think that is sexual in nature i am a sexter it's probably gonna sext again. Lord, forgive me. Things that I tried to seize. Seize the cheese.

Bitch, don't seize my cheese. Bitch, don't steal my cheese. I can steal your cheese from just a million miles away. I got your cheese. It's his receipts. It is the season to be seasoned. Bitch, don't seize my cheese. I love my cheese. What?

What do you think? What do you think you should be doing? I don't know. This is kind of a weird question. It's like, how can I... You can't force someone to trust you. Yeah, you shouldn't have gotten back together with her. Yeah, you sort of burned that bridge, as it were. It's ruined.

She'll always be sad and suspicious of you, and she'll always have a reason to be, because you were behind her back. Not just, like, getting drunk and hooking up with somebody one time. Yeah. But, like... A pattern of behavior.

Yeah. And, like, this is your personality. You know it about yourself. She knows it about yourself. So you're either happy and flirting and sexting or you're sad and miserable. And yeah, you've got crushing self-doubt and no validation coming in from anywhere. But you've got your girlfriend's trust. But what good is that when it's not trust from six different girls who all want you to fuck them?

You're not being yourself right now. You have to shine. Why don't you just get out of this relationship and start flirting again? That's when you're your happiest. It is so weird that people are like, I really want to fuck everyone, but I have a girlfriend. It's like, you know you don't need that. That's not a jail that you're forced to be in. You can fuck everyone if you were single.

But is it less exciting that way? No. It's still fine. It's better because you get to do it without feeling guilty or shameful. So why doesn't he just break up? He should. People act like relationships are like sentences. Like, I wish I didn't have my girlfriend, but you know what?

I think people think that having a really good relationship or landing somebody that you really get along with is better than being single because then when you want a relationship again you won't be able to find a good person oh so you want your cake and eating it too so you're like i found this person that i really care about and i want to be out there fucking everybody but i don't want to do that because then i'll lose this good one that i got so what i'll do is i'll fuck other girls and not tell her that way i can still fuck other girls but that was what you're doing is you're hurting somebody that's good i think personally there's a lot of good people so if you're with somebody that's good but you still want to get out there and sell your wild oats a little bit break up do that and you'll be able to find somebody else you like yeah there's more than one shortage yeah there really

isn't especially in shortage yeah yeah you live in shortage there's more than one shortage yeah there really isn't especially in shortage yeah yeah you live in shortage there's no shortage now and you don't even have to pay portage no which i don't know what it means but it certainly rhymes and if you're digging just one ditch do a couple more so you can have more ditch yeah it's tough to create a like a relationship is so necessary to be built on a strong foundation and when somebody catches you cheating or flirting it's just like your foundation is a foam a foam board and then you're like alright no we can start building shit

and then everything falls because it's all foam at the bottom it's just foam it's all foam so you start like pouring cement in and you're like we'll build a good foundation it'll be fine and then it's like okay hey it's actually all it's a giant sinkhole let's's lay some beams here oh sucked into the foam damn it every bad every nice moment we have is sort of underlaid by the fact that we're both kind of 10 quietly thinking about the

fact that i cheated on you yeah we can never be truly happy and pure you gotta break up she'll never forgive you that actually brings us to our next question. Oh, Jesus, just read it. Here we go. Hey, use your podcast mouse. Oh, hey, I'm back, sorry. We need another girl's name. Allison only has one name.

Marnie Rachel Hey guys I have a question for you I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now And the other day when he was asleep I snuck into his phone and looked through his messages While I was in his messages I clicked on this girl's name and found out That they had been sexting back and forth

There was both pictures Of both of them and long detailed paragraphs about what they would do to one another. I woke up my boyfriend and told him that I read his messages and kicked him out of my apartment. He swears that he didn't mean anything of it, and he was drunk when he sent them. He promises that he hasn't done anything like that with any other girls since we've been together. So my question is, is sexting the same as cheating? Should I give him another shot? Or is sexting fair grounds to give up and move on?

It's almost like the girl from the last question. Yeah, these people are in a relationship together. Yeah. And my advice is the same. Break up with this guy. Sexting is cheating? Sexting is not. Yes, sexting is cheating.

It's not worse, but it is a form of cheating. It's bad. But there are levels of cheating. There are. And I guess it's just like, what's your threshold? But it sounds like, you know, this crosses it. Yeah. If I was dating somebody and I found they were sexting with someone.

Drunkenly, though? They're like, oh, I didn't mean anything. I was wasted. Drunkenly is though? They're like, oh, I didn't mean anything. I was wasted. Drunkenly is always a lie. Everyone can say drunk. Didn't you once say that drunkenness is a good excuse? Yes, I actually did. And I stand by it.

So, is it a lie or do you stand by it as a good excuse? Well, if you're doing paragraphs and the... Well, look at the timestamp. Let's see how drunk he really was. Oh, so it was like 2 p.m read the if you read the text and they were coherent then he wasn't drunk enough for this to be like off the hook drunk right off the hook i feel like off the hook drunk is just like a skgf ddddf and then a picture of his penis oh that's good yeah but if he's like i want if if if this is eloquent if this is like pros uh wanting fuck this person, I want to lay you down.

Yeah, and he was of right sound mind. Slide my tongue across your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No. That counts as bad. Right. And it's totally grounds for termination.

I would say so. What do you say? Yeah, probably. That's no good. I mean, it is. Again, some people are like, oh, whatever, we can move on. And some people are like, no, that's bad. I mean, every time she sees him on his phone, you look at instagram she'll be like what the fuck are you

looking at yeah in her head the thing is even if you do change which i believe we're on record as saying it's impossible to change uh but even if you do bad advice break up no one can change uh the seeds of doubt are so uh painfully apparent that you can never ever truly get over it isn't that sad a one strike and you're out i really feel like we could have somebody on the podcast like some guest right now who's just like a more positive person than we are being like no no like you can come back from this and rebuild the relationship and it would be so beautiful and and you've you've gone through this trauma and you've like rebuilt and now your trust will be even stronger because you've come clean. Like a broken bone.

Yeah. And you guys are much more open and honest and you like can appreciate what you almost lost. But that's bullshit. That's what I would say to that guest. I would say you, sir, are a bullshit artist. You're a Bolshevik. Get off of our podcast. There's no room for your voice on this show.

There we go. You are a defector. You are a rejector. And more than anything else, submit to this lie detector. Oh my God, he doesn't even believe it. We're very black and white. You and I.

Me and you. Although it's funny because I've never cheated. And I haven't either. Oh my God. That's what it's come to. It's so easy to lie and be the person that you want. For example? I've never cheated.

What else? I'm exercising a lot lately. What are you doing? I'm just eating right, running every day, biking, and actually spending a lot of time volunteering at a local children's hospital. Holy shit, how does that? It's nice. I learned CPR and I was able to use it the other day,

much to my surprise, but ultimate relief when I revived a toddler who had a heart attack on a bus. That is very surprising. That actually, I hate to keep bringing it back, but that does, I know we said maybe we shouldn't talk about Wolf anymore. Because I don't want to get him riled up. i don't want to be a victim of one of his yeah his i guess

schemes more than anything but legal schemes you know wolf once took a cpr uh teaching class he it's like a very intensive course because you have to pass like emt classes and get much past cpr and like this whole that's much it costs money it's yeah i think he said it was like 2900 a class and he had to take four week court like four four week courses because at the end you can like theoretically be hired right so he was hired and he was hired to teach basically the classes that he was taking and whenever there was like a supervisor there he would teach the right way to do cpr because he knew it exactly he understood the system but the moment like that

because there's always a supervisor in because it's like kind of a liability issue if somebody's teaching it incorrectly you need two people in the class right but he'll like sort of be like i know we need two people but you've seen me do this a bunch of times if you need to take off like if it's a rainy day and the supervisor doesn't want to come in so he'll urge the supervisor to stay at home and then he'll yeah i don't know how else to say he would teach cpr incorrectly he'll say pump here like pump on your shoulder instead of the chest so that it doesn't get the lungs going he'll say you're not supposed to don't you don't necessarily have to hold the nose shut while you crazy while you blow into their mouth when all that does is just recycle the air from the mouth into the outside of the nose dangerous it's dangerous but it's not

illegal oh no wow because he's not technically killing anyone and it is like we i feel like we're repeating ourselves but it's subtle it's very subtle it's super subtle and it's not illegal and it's just vintage wolf just another like inconvenient thing that i've seen and heard him do he'll go to a gas station oh just to gas up you know that's fine um so far so good yeah i don't see how this is a scheme actually so like i know we like give him a lot of shit but i feel like oh yeah that was the end of the story what that was the end oh yeah so like i don't want to like throw him under the bus like i also go to gas stations we should be completely honest he'll go to a gas station oh there is more yeah there is uh he'll go to a gas station wait for like a a minivan family of three or four you

know somebody who's just there to get gas as well yeah maybe on a road trip oh he'll say he'll look at his phone he'll say oh wow i just i have this app gas is 30 cents cheaper just a mile up the road oh and the guy's like oh really he says yeah follow me he'll drive up the road there's no other gas station what it's just a little dickling move to ruin this father's day and then they have to drive all the way back they have to drive back yeah that's such a yeah it's subtle. It's not illegal. No.

You can lie to people. That's what's the weird part of our society. He'll drive a mile up the road, flip the bird out the window, and just pedal to the floor. He's out of there. And this dad is just no idea what to do. He's probably at this point angry and yelling at his kids for no reason. So everyone's day is just ruined. Yeah, a little bit.

He's kind of like Bill Maher in that he Maher's things. Yeah. Yeah. So another way to call him is John Maher or Global Maher based on... You know he asks people to call him Global, right? I've said that one. I heard... He introduces himself as Global. He'll be like, hi, I'm global.

It's so not illegal. You can do that. God, it's so fucked up. It's so fucked. We don't really have a sponsor, so this is sort of our break. It's like a chill-out zone. Oh, shows. Houston and Austin. We're coming to Texasxas the texas texas land of vegas houston land you gotta stop saying that because then people in atlanta and vegas are gonna be confused right well doing a show in vegas might

be amazing that'd be fucking dope well we should do a live podcast tour we don't just don't know how to do that oh okay all right well for now we'll settle for austin on january 24th and houston on january 25th at the come and take it houston's first uh comedy festival on the 25th and at the north door in austin on january 24th my dad's birthday oh nice i feel bad i haven't told him that i'm gonna be out of town for it yeah that's tough my birthday darone he can come to the show. And it's his 100th birthday. Yeah.

So I feel like that'll be a big one. That is, yeah. That's pretty. You know, I just heard actually recently, so you should keep an eye on this, but John Wolfe volunteered to make a pinata for your dad's 100th birthday. Oh, no. And I don't know where it's going. I really don't.

But I do know that your mom said it wasn't that kind of party and they didn't need it. And he said, please, I've been doing piñatas as a hobby for years. And I would love, love, love to contribute one to this party free of charge. Ah, shit. He actually has a website with a portfolio of many piñatas. I hate that. He showed your mom and she was on board. That sucks.

I can't believe he was in my fucking house i know and i don't know where he's going with this but i do know that it's not going to be good and even if it is good you know he's just setting up some shit for later yeah like he'll do 50 good pinatas and then he really will i think he would he's the kind of guy that will do like he'll make a tradition five years of pinatas just dad's birthday just for the sixth year to do something so fucked and borderline illegal but technically that's the thing i was telling you earlier i don't know what he's doing but i found out that john wolf is 50 or yeah 500 registered yelp accounts oh what

is he i don't know we don't but it seems it is legal but it seems like he's up to no good why would you need 500 yelp accounts i don't know it's so oh it really it's sickening there's like a pit in my stomach when i hear stuff like that because like nothing's happened with that yet exactly why is he why is he amassed that many accounts it's kind of like how when it's about to storm yeah you feel it in your jaw eerie calm before the storm wolf is the storm yep and my brain is my jaw that's yeah my brain is my jaw yeah this one's for you and you can tell everybody this is my jaw nice fourth question um we need another guy's name peter pan damn we did it i know we really did it hey guys i split up with my gf of three years around two months ago which is really a good thing believe me i've been enjoying the single life swiping right okay cupid pof stuff like that but have not had much sex for but i have

not had sex for a few weeks now which is the longest i've been without which is the longest i've been without sex for a good long while once once a month, I go get my hair cut. I always visit the same. Kanye is a therapist. He's a therapist. Writing, taking notes that's curious once a month i go get my haircut and i always visit the same barber as he knows how i like my hair is reasonably reasonably priced and has a filthy sense of humor much like mine it doesn't end there oh i already skipped a paragraph uh i get my haircut it's a nice guy uh he also he's also a gay man in an open marriage

and he tells me that he gets kicks from giving bjs to straight guys even paying them for the pleasure. It doesn't end there. He told me that he'll pay for a top class hooker for me for an hour if he can watch and jerk off. I told him if I didn't get laid by December 13th, it'd be on. If I do it, do you think that implies I have gay tendencies? What about the moral implications of paying for sex? To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it now that I think about it. But I've always wanted to write to you guys for ages now, and it just seemed like the perfect opportunity. So what would you do if you were me?

Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da. Peter Pan. P.S. I appreciate you probably won't be able to get to my email on the show before the 13th, but if you'd like it, please just edit the deadline. I'd be so happy to hear from you guys. Thanks. Love, Peter Pan. All right, so we're not editing the deadline?

No, we're not. Yeah, the deadline has passed. It's after the 13th. This guy has fucked a prostitute in front of a barber, a gay barber, while he jerked off. Who bought the prostitute for him. That's right. Okay. The question is, what would you do if you were him?

I guess I wouldn't fuck a prostitute while a barber watched and jerked off. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that either. So you've already done it. Yeah. The advice is null. It is void. You have fucked a hooker in the company of your gay barber and he jerked off and came to you fucking a whore and your fear is that does this mean you have gay tendencies well it does mean

you're not going to go back to this barber because every time you go and get your hair cut he will be uh you know you'll be thinking of him masturbating yeah while you fucked a whore so that's a weird moment that happened between the two of you i wouldn't worry about the gay tendencies i would worry about that moment if anything he almost has really straight tendencies because he wants to have sex with a woman so bad that he's willing to let a gay guy jerk off while he does it yeah i like the idea of a few weeks being like the longest dry spell he can't even imagine yeah can you imagine a dry spell that long weeks dude are

you kidding me bro i would have been fucking a hooker while a gay dude jerked off yesteryear so i just think it's a dangerous slope to go down because i feel like this bar this barber this this flamboyant barber who's just thirsty for this dude's dick. Yeah. Is like, he's just getting closer and closer to it. This is a nice little easing his way in. You already know that he likes to give guys blowjobs for money. Yeah.

But now he's bought you a prostitute, which is pretty straight, but still his penis is close to you. Sure. And it's hard and it's coming. Yeah. He's just going to keep on reaching closer. Every time you're going through a dry spell, he'll suggest something a little more provocative. Like, why don't we have a threesome? Oh, that's good.

That way I'm part of it, you're part of it. We're not necessarily fucking each other. Why don't you fuck this girl and you can fap me? So, like, I just think that you're down a slippery slope at the moment. Yeah. Couldn't this be that much better than masturbating by yourself? You're still going to orgasm,

which feels fine, but you don't have to do it. Masturbating's so fun. You don't have to do it with a prostitute. You don't have to do it while a gay barber watches. Right. Or a straight barber. I'd hate to even pin it on the homosexual thing.

It's not that he's a deviant or anything. Well, he is sort of a deviant. There's nothing wrong with being gay, though. We're just saying that that's what's happening right now yeah just i feel like we shouldn't even have to qualify it be aware that this guy is slowly urging you closer to probably fucking him yeah and it's okay not to have sex for a week or two yeah you know we're not saying that all gay guys want to have sex with straight guys. I don't know anything about that, but we are saying, you've told us this gay barber gets off to paying straight

guys to blow him. So you're in danger. Why would the gay barber want to see a heterosexual couple go at it? I don't know. I think people are getting into all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah. I would probably like to watch you fuck somebody. You would be able to masturbate while I had sex with somebody? I don't know if I would probably like to watch you fuck somebody you would be able to masturbate while i

had sex with somebody i don't know if i would be able to masturbate i just want to see it you just want to see a live porno starring me yeah okay i wonder you know who we could call is don't you think she would do it yes so. So this is what we should do. I'll call and we'll at least broach the subject. That's a really funny idea. Yeah. And then I haven't even talked to. Exactly. Yeah.

Six months at least. So that's why I feel like she'd be more down. Wow. Yeah. All right, let's do it. Okay. And then we can release that as a special video podcast episode you fucking yeah wow exactly right and then we'll see how hard you get mr tough guy okay

we'll have like a camera on your dick my penis did just yeah shrink even talking about it oh god not interested uh well that's it that our time. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Almost the end of the year. Not quite there. Merry Christmas, by the way. Oh, yeah. That tis the season spelled S-E-I-Z-I-N. The first theme song was written by Sky Buck,

and this closing one was written by Nathan William. Oh. Kind of in line with our names for the theme of this episode. Nathan William wrote the closing theme song. Again, if you have your own theme song submissions, if you have your own questions for us, and if you do have a thumbnail for our show,

for our Facebook page, please send that all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Happy Holy Days, everybody, and we'll be back on monday peace wake up in the morning i feel like jake and amir i got some questions i need answered i think i'll bend their ear i won't go to the the Starbucks off myself cause I know I'll get some answers that are not from the chef. Don't stop cause you

know it'll be hashtag dope. They give out some fake names to all the real folks. The next four to five you'll hang out with these dudes and with a little bit of luck they'll be a guest too. Hey, it's Emily from the Sex with Emily podcast.

My podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve. For over 10 years, I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom. On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. That's sex with Emily on podcast one. That's O-N-E.