Segments - 123: Best of 2014

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

In this episode, our favorite questions and answers from the past year. This episode is brought to you by TheBouqs.com and DraftKings.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

New sponsor this week, so pay fucking close attention. It's the... Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.com oh vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off

your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Okay. This is it. This is our best of episode, best of 2014. We actually recorded an intro for it already, Jake and I did, before we had a sponsor. So a lot of the jokes are about how we don't have an advertiser for the episode, which is really ironic if you think about it.

Anyway, let's toss it over to me and Jake. No sponsor this episode, just us saying thank you to you. Wow. That's right, the listener. You guys are the sponsor for this episode. So check yourselves out. Buy underwear from you. But get snacks delivered for you.

20% off for being you. Yeah. The coupon code is our love. So please check them out. This is really bad. It's kind of nice that like you guys don't have to listen to an ad, but kind of shitty that we aren't getting money. Yeah. At the end of the day, we're not getting money for this.

So don't be happy about there not being a sponsor. Yeah. Even if you're like anti-consumerist, sort of like, oh, you get off to free content you know like totally ad free environments yeah just no we're not making cash so how's that fair and i'm sad how is that good i don't think it is uh this is our last episode of the year we made it a bust a best of episode so it's just going to be our favorite questions and answers we couldn't get it sponsored so we decided not to really do it well it's better than a regular one because the regular ones like has highs and lows these are just the highs from the entire year oh that's a

nice way of looking as voted on by our awesome fans let's give them a shout out right now the subreddit fans r slash jake and amir if you guys are interested in a community of like-minded people we highly suggest going to reddit.com backslash r backslash jake and amir that's a fun this episode is brought to you by our subreddit yeah actually let's see if we can charge cash for it yeah let's try to penny pinch this a little bit uh oh i think it'd be fun to separate all the questions and answers with our best theme songs of the year too oh it really yeah it really is the best of uh once again thank you so much for listening throughout the year we're done it's over we're not going to do it in 2015 because podcasts are sort of passe it was fun we had a good run but

now we're done actually we do have to keep going maybe yeah maybe forever that's fair so we will be back next week it was fun we had a good run and we're not done so we'll see you next week hey see you next year enjoy guys we had yeah this is good i'm smiling okay okay yo see i hate to admit it i got a problem Stuck with these thoughts, I can't seem to stop them Truth is, I'm afraid to ask My mom and dad, wait, what's this podcast? It's Jake and Amir, it's If I Were You A show where two Jews make fun of you

But joke after joke, they get to the advice It's so good, you'll probably fucking play it twice Stop bitching, these dudes have the remedy To aid you, or even help you seize the cheese. So please turn this shit up. We get it. Your life's tough and it's all messed up. This will be the only thing you need in your life. A laugh or two has some decent advice. Grab a beer, sit and cheer. Jake and Amir advice is right here. You know what?

This one is written by a British guy. I think you should read it because you got the... I feel like you can do a good funny British accent. Excellent. So this one is written by... Give him a British name and then read that question. This is from Humphrey Tidsman. Okay. Humphrey Tidsman writes...

I'm writing you from jolly old England with quite a predicament. I've recently moistened a relatively long dry spell. We're talking Moses in the desert long. With a complete and utter tuppence, I'm punching well above my weight. We get along really... This is unpunctuated. This is totally unpunctuated. It's dribble.

It's a run-on. I'm punching well above my weight. We get along really well with this female, and we are currently in a friends with benefits situation, but I would like to tie this girl down, both metaphorically and literally, if you know what I mean. I like ropes and shit.

After a night of beverages, yes, she let it slip that getting her balloon not licked sends her wild. Is this a thing? This is an action video we got. Oh, Humphrey. I, on the other hand,

have never enjoyed doing this, as I feel it's degrading, and this girl thinks less of me for eating where she shits. And having put off doing it, as I would like this Fs and with Bs situation to flourish into a relationship, right? Should I bite that brown bullet and swallow her ass or maintain my moral stature and stick to a purely pink diet?

Holler back at your boy. Humphrey. Signed, Humphrey Tidsman. Wow, I can't believe we were going to answer that question one time without you here reading it. Oh my god, that was fucking... I made my life just up life i'm so conflicted by that well would you eat a girl's butt if she really wanted you to i guess you'd have to i'm

a very open guy i take all comers in the bedroom but i gotta be honest i don't want to put my tongue in a butthole because that's where the diseases are the poo i'll put my dick in there i'll put my fingers i'll put a lot of things in there just not your taste buds what if she's like i'll wash it i'll i'll scrub myself bone i mean if it's bone clean what does it matter i guess i would do it if it's bone clean or you can wrap your uh tongue in a saran wrap dude i'll i will fuck i'll lick and that's of course i mean i wouldn't... I would... I'm trying to think of a girl who I've gone down on whose ass I haven't

licked. Oh my god. I love licking an ass. Mama, turn down the podcast, baby. My mom listens here. Does she really? She listens to the podcast and I will say, Mom, she does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off. Don't even turn it down. There's not a lot left, so let's just turn off the podcast, Mom.

It's too late. You already said you can't imagine a girl with an ass that didn't lick. I will lick ass all day. I love licking ass. That's my boy. I taught him well. Lick a butthole. Lick a butthole.

Dude, it is. Oh, my God. butt hole lick a butt hole dude it is oh oh my god i mean i'm i'm i'm i'm happy that there's a girl out there that's like i want that shit done to my butt yeah and i feel for that guy like that's a weird predicament that i'd probably be in of being like i want to do all kinds of things that butt that's true i feel like i feel like if maybe she just likes her butt to get attention and you don't necessarily have to lick her butt. But say, hey, how about when you're eating her out, you spit a little bit out.

Take some of the, mom, you're definitely not listening. Take some of her pussy juice instead of like, tickle her asshole with your middle finger. Yeah, she won't know that it's not your tongue. Yeah, Jake, I want to know. Okay, now I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask you. Please.

So what do you do? Is that what you do? You're just spitting it. You clean it with spit. Oh, if I'm going down on somebody? How in your mind are you not like, there's poo particles? There's poo particles. I don't care if there's poo particles.

You don't care, dude. Here's the thing. Here's what I'll say. There's poo on my penis. Well, on us if there's poop particles. I don't care. There's you. Here's the thing. Here's what I'll say. My penis. There's well, there's on us. There's poop particles. We have hairy asses. We like shit.

There's like there. There's there's dingleberries. We wipe our ass and then like it just like smears shit all up our ass crack. There's shit. Our asses are caked in shit. All we do when we wipe is just wipe our ass raw enough to the point where there's not at least shit showing up on the toilet paper so we can convince ourselves that we're clean. I'm not arguing.

This is perfect. This is my case. But girls don't have hairy assholes. I've seen them. They wipe, they clean. They have like three hairs on an ass. Oh, I've seen a hairy ass on a girl. I'll admit that I've seen a hairy ass, but they're few

and far between. It's true. I'll eat out a girl and I'll hold her knees by her ears and just lick her from crack to clit. Jesus Christ! I know, dude! Holy moly. And to think we were going to end it.

To think this wouldn't have existed. I really genuinely think you should. You had to have said that before. Liquor from crack to clip. I'm all about getting nasty. I love the nastiness. I know you do. And I can sense that from you.

And I love it right now. I love the nastiness. I want more nastiness always in my world. Yes. There's just a thing. There's a gag reflex that won't allow you. They go and they eat why do you want to eat the poopoo it comes out of the butt oh i love it i like that it's it's

this private hole that no one's allowed access to oh i want to get it i'll diddle it i'll slap i'll spank it and sprinkle it it's the tongue thing so to answer let's answer this guy's question yeah oh jake says go for it. Yeah. Fucking be a man. Yeah, because I think he's like, I don't want to do it. It's degrading. That's a little feminine. I don't think she's being like, oh, yeah, I'm going to get this motherfucker to lick my ass.

I'm the best. This dude's going to fucking eat my asshole. She's just like, yo, I like it when it tickles. It feels good. Sure. And she likes you. She feels comfortable enough to ask you to do it. It's like telling you her fetish.

Right. I think that's nice. I think it was intimate. I think you should do it if you like her. I guess if you physically can, you should go for it. If you're like totally like going to gag and puke and like not be all about it, maybe you can meet her in the middle. Puking might feel good. Oh, dear God.

I know. Yeah. Let me rate it at. Oh, dear God. I know. Yeah. Let me rate it at. Oh, God. This one's going to be rated E for explicit. Not for everyone. If you want to enjoy my days, then lend me your ear right now. Jake and Amir are funny, and they'd like to help you out

If I were you, if I were you If you want advice, I'll tell you what to do If I were you, if I were you The show starts now A female named Reese Witherspoon. That's right. Ms. Witherspoon herself. Ms. Ryan Phillippe hermself.

Hermself. Hermself's rights. Hey guys, here's my problem. My phone got taken away from me from one of my friends. What happened was that in biology class we had a sub, and I let him use my phone because his got broken for a while, and I let him use it a couple times before. He admired my phone and wanted to get it, but he never had enough cash. So I gave him my phone, and he asked me if he could use it for his last class.

He told me to meet up with him after school. And he stood me up. I knew that I would get it back the next day. But he didn't come to class for the past two days. And now we have a long weekend from family day. I haven't told anyone except my friends. And they tease the shit out of me. Here's my question. How do I get my phone back?

Love Reese Witherspoon. Reese. Yeah, I would make fun of you too reese got robbed did she say her substitute teacher stole her phone the sub did i read that wrong i can't tell if the sub took it or her friend took it or her friend is a substitute teacher yeah or like they i don't know i guess we had a sub and i let him use my phone because his got broken for a while. Yeah, right? A substitute teacher robbed you? Is that illegal? That's definitely illegal.

That's so funny. I don't understand why people are letting anybody use their phone in any situation. I don't even feel comfortable when I'm in my car and someone's like, here, I'll do directions. I'm like, fucking thanks, but use your shit ass we both have ways and i don't see why my phone has to be the navigational phone i like to feel it vibrate in my pocket it makes me comforted it's like when i ask you for what time it is you squeeze your phone against your chest and peer at it really subtly and be like 552. Cagey.

Cagey like an animal. You never just show me the screen. Yeah, it's private. I got a lot of secrets on there. So this poor substitute teacher who borrowed this girl's phone and then just didn't show up. And then admired it. How do you steal a phone anyway? It's like, oh, I got a new phone. This phone number is, I guess, somebody else's phone number, but it's my phone now. How do you even steal a phone anyway it's like oh i got a new phone this phone number is i guess somebody else's phone number but it's my phone now how do you even admire a phone

i don't understand that what kind of phone did he have that was so shitty that he admired a phone he had a he had a crazer he had a crazer in his head she had an iphone crazer an iphone 2s it didn't even matter it was just so much better than the crazer he couldn't believe there was email on it and this is actual so this is just real mail or i'll figure it out this is nutso can i borrow this for um a day everybody get out your bunsen burners i am uh i'm gonna download tinder uh sir i think you have my phone i have my phone i'll meet you after school i promise now uh sit down or you fail today i think he skips town on this three-day weekend unfortunately he's got an extra day to pack now sister sorry reese but he's on a greyhound bus straight out of to anywhere but here

west virginia or wherever it sounds like you're from that nobody and that people are just jacking phones that are mildly nice needless to say this family day is going to be one for you to remember. What is family day? I don't know. Cool. So what should this girl do? Tell your parents. Yeah, tell on him. You've got to be a tattletale in this instance, I think. I think you have to tell a principal or a teacher that a sub stole your phone.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what you do. Go to a person of authority. And I don't know why you even told your friends because, of course, they're going to make fun of you. I feel like the principal is just going to crack up. The principal, yeah. So what happened?

Well, you know Mr. Wallace, the substitute teacher, I let him use my phone for a day and he never came back. Well, gee whiz, Reese. Here, I'll get the phone back. The principal falls in love with it. I don't know. I really admire this phone. So, yeah, I think it's...

I think it's mine. You're expelled. What? Yeah. I'm keeping the phone as evidence. If you're in a sticky situation And think that you might need a place To run and try to hide away look no further than

amir and jake and your burdens they will gladly take i may have overstated that oh these dudes will give you some good advice or at least they'll try actually i cannot promise you that but they will do their best to make it funny don't write unless you're stunning The unselfaware Give me a man's name. A man's name? Uh, Geronifeld. What? Wow. It's like if my last name was also a giraffe. Hey guys, I'm emailing because recently I was pressured into launching a compressed air cartridge in the middle of class.

My friend said it would be hashtag dope and it wouldn't go anywhere. It would just die down and spin on the ground a lot. But it frickin' flew. I mean, it went crazy all over the classroom and it almost hit a kid. I received a couple days suspension for it. But I could have received more if it hit someone. Okay, now to the problem. Some of the kids in class are afraid of me

and some think they can just get me to do whatever by asking me enough times and convincing me that it'll be okay how do i make the scare kids how do i make the scared kids trust me again how do i make the other kids stop pressuring me into situation thanks p.s you should definitely have hoodie alan on for an episode did you know that no my fans are crazy that's awesome all right so i want to update oh no no you you say you do your thing i'll get my beat ready okay and wait cool okay here we go now brothers. Detroit's in the house. Yo, okay.

You got an air cartridge. You are a partridge. Hold on, hold on. Here we go. Here we go. Here it is. Here it is. This is what it is.

This is for real. This is for real. Hey, kid, you don't always have to do what people say. Not every... You're trolling me trolling me dude no you're so funny man you should do jokes keep going keep going yo okay yo jake detroit's in the building here it goes okay yo boy you are cool whether or not they tell you that at school, you don't have to worry about what people think. You don't have to worry about what they drink. Soda, juice, water, tea.

You are cool. To your mother. To me. I'm still going, dude. Yo, okay? You. Oh, believe in yourself, motherfucker. My name's Jake.

My name's Jake, bitch. J Money, J Money! Jay Money! Jay Money! Sucking titties! Sucking titties! Licking clitties! Uh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, shit, man. I'm launching into my other pre-season. Yeah, it sounded like it. Gucci Mane. We out. And then you have to do an explosion noise. All right. I did it.

He just kept going. Yeah, sorry. It was like 10 seconds ago. I got really excited. He survived the blast like a cockroach here we go you got some good really good advice yeah that was pretty good listen to the lyrics not just the dope flow listen to the lyrics soda water has the dope flow i thought you were gonna be like soda water coffee wine the favorite drinks of a high schooler all right spritzers

so my turn yeah but you have to give me the that's your answer uh yeah i guess just like The favorite drinks of a high schooler. All right. Spritzers. So my turn? Yeah. But you have to give me the beat. That's your answer? Yeah, I guess just like, don't worry about what people think. You shouldn't be peer pressured into doing things because you think it'll be cool. Okay. All right.

I should, okay, here we go. What was this guy's name? Geronifeld. Geronifeld. Geronifeld. Hey, it's Amir Blumenfeld going at you live, going to give you some reassurance. Don't worry about the peer pressure or your parents or your moms or your peers. Don't fear.

Just have no fear because Amir is here. Geronifeld. It's Blumenfeld. Here's my advice. Yeah. Okay? Don't subscribe to magazines like Vice. Don't subscribe to ideas like Don't Kill Mice.

Do what you want to do and not what you don't. Nah. Do what you can and not what you won't. You want to understand what you can't do, so please just stay in school, dude. Gotta stay in school, dude. Gotta stay in school, babe. Gotta stay in school, dude in school babe gotta stay in school dude don't be a bitch

school or drop out third verse Woody Allen oh shit there's actual pressure to be good yeah yeah

this is you alright well at least to live up to the bar that we set yeah possibly high might fall under it

alright now I gotta give you the beat give me the beat though Give me the beat though. Give me the beat though. Ready? Oh yeah, I'm ready. Trap shit. Real talk, motherfucker.

Geronifeld, listen up. Yo, you're crazy forever. All your friends gonna hate you. What you gonna do? Probably go on a date, dude, with mad chicks. You're the scary ass kid. All them wanna suck your fat ass dick.

Yeah, I heard your dick's fat. I heard it's nice and juicy. All the kids is cool. They love fucking your dick. This is what I'm saying. Don't even worry. Shoot everybody. Shoot everybody.

Whoa! Holy shit! Whoa! This is what I'm saying Don't even worry Shoot everybody Shoot everybody Whoa Whoa Holy shit Whoa That was amazing And the advice was on point too No Wow Wow. Alan Hale writes, Louis B here to help give you a clue. My name's Jake in the mirror and this is if I were you.

Alan Hale writes, Hey guys, I don't often use dating sites, but I did just for giggles one time. A girl sent me her number. Keep in mind I'm 21 and she's 29. I saw her profile pic and she isn't the most beautiful girl in the world. Go ahead, call me a dick. Okay, I still call her. So we talk for a while, and she and I are nothing alike. Here's a list of things. She is scared of snakes and spiders.

She is poor. She has no friends other than her 16-year-old roommate. She doesn't drive. She has acne. She barely has a job. She just had a birthday, and she made herself a cake then she tells me she has a military boyfriend and just wants to be my friend minutes later she tells me she likes me she playing hard to get or something the fuck should i give her a chance i mean i want an animal lover there's just

there's just so many things wrong with her i I want to be nice to her, but I need your opinion. Skipper, brave and sure. What is his life? What does he do? I want to know what you had for lunch today. For lunch, I had a bag and a ham. I slept at the foot of my bed last night. I woke up, put a shoe on my head, and tried to get on the bus by giving the bus driver a nickel.

He said it cost $2. I gave him a bag of baby carrots. I got off in between stops and I rolled home. I did somersaults home. Everything is sort of correct, but a little bit weird in my universe. You had a funny line when I read you this email originally, which is, You are no. You are no. That's what you are, sir.

Sorry, man. You are no. That's what you are, sir. Sorry, man. You are no. Unfortunately, as it stands right now, after reading your email, you're no. You're no. What's the funniest part? Here's a list of things is pretty good. That's great. Is she playing hard to get

i'm trying to dissect this because i definitely want in the fuck i love that he's concerned that she's afraid of spiders and snakes because he wants an animal lover yeah i want an animal lover that loves so many animals they love spiders you You don't like her in any way. And you're still wondering, you need our opinion if you should pursue it? I think maybe go for a girl that checks a single checkbox. Yeah, she has nothing that you like. She's over 30. I think you can find one.

You got so many questions, but no one to ask them to. 30. I think you can find one. Send an email to me if I will. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick we'll do one before the kickoff then you should play pick

six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or like, do you know what a play action pass is? Like, these are like some advanced things

that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the draft kings pick six app select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between

two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go.

Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut

must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months.

Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads

somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do yeah michelle obama is actually married to uh oh wait obama's married to never mind whatever all right ready my point was that it's obama in a wig. My point is that Michelle Obama is a guy named Michael Obama who graduated from Syracuse, and he's wearing a wig, and he wrote this email.

Ready? Thank you. My stepdad looks at porn on his laptop quite a lot. If I ever have to use his computer, he doesn't delete his history much, so it's pretty clear which sites he goes to. I don't care that he does this. I mean, who doesn't look at porn? My problem is this. He doesn't get what are safe sites to go on. Not being tech savvy, I guess he finds what he wants mainly through googling it, which leads him to clicking on some unsafe sites, which has given his laptop more than its fair share of viruses or other

problems which makes it rather slow. He doesn't seem to get that's causing his problems and blames it on our internet connection, even going so far as to making us change carriers to try to fix it. Is there any way I can somehow let him know what is really causing this problem, or possibly direct him to some safer sites? Our relationship isn't casual enough that I Wow. Solid question. I love that question. I love that the dad is blaming Time Warner. This is garbage.

We're switching to AT&T. It's also all because he's trying to get his porn fast. It's the absolute root of all of the problems. Alright, the porn's not going fast enough. Hey, we're gonna switch carriers because we can't stream Netflix or something. Your search history is just a series of

smut sites, daddy. Fuck ass, dammit. This is her stepdad too, right? Yeah. You can't bring it up. Also, a girl is writing this question she's concerned about her stepdad what a thoughtful caring person who just wants her dad her stepdad yeah to like get to porn faster and not mess with his computer well i think it's a little more selfish than that i think she she uses the computer too all right so this dad is like

trying to adapt to technology i think that's cool he. He's down to use porn on his computer. I think that's good. That's taking a step. He just doesn't know how to use it correctly. That's right. Just like parents don't use Facebook correctly. They don't use pornography, online internet porn. It's hard because there's no class that you can give.

You should teach a porn-watching class at an adult community college. That would be a waste of my time. Why? Because they probably don't pay me bank, and I don't do shit. I don't leave my house for less than four Gs. class at like an adult community college that would be a waste of my time why because they probably don't pay me bank and i don't do shit i don't leave my house for less than four g's you know oh you know what my day rate is what are you talking i like won't make an appearance for less than 5k i just thought i ain't gonna impart knowledge on some old ass motherfucker who can't

get off he doesn't know how to get to you porn.com that'll be like fucking 5K. I don't know. 5K? Dude, I'm trying to make money. I know. You know I don't get behind this mic for less than 5K. Yes, you do. What? Yeah. What are you talking about?

Our sponsorships are way less than that. Are you serious? We also did shows for several months before we even had a sponsor. What am I doing? You're not even getting paid. It also goes into a separate fund. You haven't seen a dime of this money. We've spent it all on billboards and fundraisers for ladies who want to go to Ghana.

Am I not rich? No. Really? Yeah. Are you dead serious right now? I think, yeah. Oh, wait a second. My dad is.

Yeah. So aren't I rich now? No, I mean, that's his money. Not all of it's his money he puts money into my account that's making it my money what are you talking about i have some of my dad's money so i actually have a lot of money i guess you guess yeah sorry since my dad puts fifty thousand dollars a week into my bank account does that mean i I don't have $50,000 a week unless I ask for more, which I often do. So does that make it his money?

Yeah. It's in my account? No, then at that point you are rich. So you think I'm rich now. But you should not be proud. I'm not proud. You are proud. I'm a little proud.

You're happy and proud of that fact. I think it's cool. I think I can do whatever I want. That's great. I love my mom. I love my dad's money i love my sisters and my brother too i love my whole family except my dad i love my mom and i love my dad's money you love your whole family except for your dad because he's the only one that gives you money so you just love the money instead of your dad i love the money don't love my dad my dad's okay he's still my friend especially because he gives me money i love my mom i love my dad's

money i love my sisters and my brother too oh you fucking asshole you idiot coward whoa yeah relax scott buck Relax. Relax. Scott Buck. Shout out Jake and Amir. condom you love a girl you thought loved you too you found out she fucked some dude or you gotta go to dinner with this one chick's dad because you want to get in it quick you want to get intimate you just want to get away or maybe you watch too much porn on the internet maybe you're atheist but your parents hate and they hate the shit and your best friends with a basic bitch i want to know what jay and they make of it hit them up with the gmail they might help you out in that podcast get a fake name half-ass advice and if you's a pussy put on blast like If I were you If I were you Alex Honnold writes,

Hey guys, I got accepted to a scientific PhD scholarship, which will start soon. The workplace is very nice. Good weather, no stress or traffic, and the work environment is friendly. The problem is that I cannot get out of my mind some business ideas I have. So I'm really not focused or motivated for the PhD. But the scholarship will get me a steady income for some years in contrast with the serious risk of starting a business in the middle of an economic crisis. Should I throw myself to the sea and find out if I drown or swim? Love the show.

Wish the best for you. Alex Honnold. Wow. Honnold. Sticky, sticky, sticky situation. Well, he's got business ideas. Well, yeah. I've got some business ideas, actually.

I'd be down to become a doctor, but on the other hand... I have an idea for a business. I actually have a couple ideas for different businesses. One of the business ideas is actually pretty dope. Yeah. So I'm considering doing that instead of becoming a doctor with a steady income with good weather and a friendly work environment and last time i checked some businesses actually do pretty damn well you ever heard of a little business called nike yeah how about starbucks

how it works is people buy shoes and coffee and you get a cut yeah yeah so businesses don't seem to be too bad of an idea do they now in fact i can't think of a single business that's failed between nike starbucks just glancing over this new york stock exchange app that i have these are all seemingly pretty profitable ideas ge that's a good one. Right off the bat, this one. Universal. They seem to make real bank. And actually, Clear Channel actually has a pretty sizable net worth.

Yeah, and I'm looking at a steady revenue stream. And I can imagine these Warner Brothers that started Warner Brothers are pretty loaded, I think. I bet they're well off. And to be perfectly honest, my business idea isn't much different than theirs. If I were you, if I were you, I'd know exactly what to do. So trust me, I'll trust in you. Listen to my dope and fire. You seize the cheese, then bounce so gracefully.

Are you ready for some modest day? Seize the cheese. Can I get another, I believe, guy's name? I wanted to give another type of volcanic rock but well this guy's name's magma dirt magma dirt rights i'm coming to a bit of a predicament yesterday i got back from a week long vacation with my friend please don't beat the shit out of your friend please while i was away my brother was supposed to feed my hamster every day. When I got home, I found that my hamster had been starved to death.

In a fit of rage, I attacked my brother. No, no, what? And he ended up in a serious concussion. What the fuck? The issue here is my parents don't know about my hamster, and I was keeping him in my room secretly because they told me I was not allowed to have have any pets now my parents think i attacked my brother for no for no reason and he's just going along with it they're even saying they're going to send me to therapy or some shit what do i do do i tell them i tell them the truth my parents are extremely strict and i'd probably

get into serious trouble and lose my xbox help what would you get into more trouble for having a hamster or beating the shit out of your brother for no reason it sounds like i don't know the hamster the hamster because he's gonna lose he said he's gonna lose his xbox and like i don't think i don't think having a hamster is a good enough reason to beat like if you if you are like homeboy killed his hamster yeah i beat the shit out out of um what was this this guy's name was magma dirt i beat this shit out of lava dirt lava dirt because he because he murdered my hamster you're that is just gonna be like you weren't supposed to have a hamster right it's not a good enough reason to beat the shit but it might

be like one of those things where it's a tragedy because the hamster died, so maybe you won't get in trouble. I would let you go feel bad for you. Yeah. Like maybe if you weren't supposed to go out or something that night, but you snuck out, but then you broke your arm.

It's like your parents aren't going to be mad at you. They're going to just try to help you. Oh, they're going to be like, oh, you idiot. You got yourself into trouble again. Yeah, exactly. But it's like you learned your own lesson. If you have a hamster, your brother will kill it.

Parents really love honesty. So even if you've done something wrong, all they'll be thinking about is that you came clean. So they'll be really happy. So you just sit them down and be like, look, I know I wasn't supposed to, but I had a hamster. And they're like, what? And Lava starved him to to death and that's why i hit him i know i shouldn't have done it but i just wanted you to know i had a reason right also also not cool that he beat he gave his brother a concussion by beating him that's bad right

really bad yeah if you're upset because uh your brother didn't care for a life you just didn't care for his life yeah do you understand and you're a human he's a human human not a hamster the hamster i could still really hamsters today and everything would be fine no i could kill no i look i'm not gonna do it but like they're pretty inconsequential as an animal that's where our animals are concerned i think it's okay starve his brothers everyone in this does he know that the brother starved it what did he do an animal. That's where his animals are concerned. I think it's okay. He still should starve. His brothers, everyone in the... Also, how the fuck does he know that the brothers starved it? What did he do? He did an autopsy. This thing clearly starved

to death. Like, I don't know, it's a hamster. Sometimes they just die. Did you just get it from a pet store? Hamsters are fat little dudes. He was a skinny little dude. He's like Murph. He was 190 pounds. He was a... He was a welterweight

he was a fat swole little hamster when he left him he came back he was a bitchly 165 pounds little hamster you know it lava no i guarantee he probably came back and he's like how's my hamster and he's like oh shit oh like can you imagine the fucking deer in headlights look that that brother gave oh it's a full-on race to the cage i'll get him some water i'll get him some water. He's probably just been playing on the wheel. I'm concussed. Mother! Mother! Mother!

If I were you, we're taking a mirror. Talking about if I were you, I'd make up my mind real quick. If Jake was you, he'd probably let you suck his dick. Dick. That's what the song is really about. Dick. Dickie Dick. That's what the song's about.

Oh, Jake's old dick. It's got a nice D. I saw it in the shower yesterday. It sways and flows like this, but you don't know until you see him piss. Holding hands, looking at each other in the eyes and kissing. That's right, we hold each other's hands, we look at each other's eyes and we kiss. Four dudes kissing.

If I were you. Four dudes kissing If I were you Staring in each other's eyes If I were you You fucked a kimono dragon. Oh, no. That's dangerous, man. Their spit will kill you dude

Is that true? Yeah they got poisonous Mad poisonous spit Shit You're cool man Shit dude Yo shit that Thomas He knows a lot about dragons

Yo what other facts Do you know dude? I know that they're fast They'll really run after you You gotta run They're aggressive Oh they're aggressive They're territorial.

And they spit mad voices. Can you own one? Is that a thing to own or not? Nah, dude. You can't own no Komodo. Especially not here in the city, man. Shit. Okay.

Why are you saying shit? What happened? Just because I think about that one time. What happened? What happened, dude? Man, that one time I saw a Komodo dragon. Yeah, of course. On the internet

and I was like, I ain't never gonna see one in real life. And then? I realized it was true. Oh, man. I can show you a Komodo dragon. The LA Zoo has one.

No joke. No. Yeah, dude. You go to the zoo, they have them. Shut your mouth. No, for real. You go up to the zoo.

It's right near where Warner Brothers is. Don't be an asshole. I think you're just saying catchphrases now because you're not listening to me. Did I do that? Now you're saying 90s early 90s. Anyone want some cheese?

Is that from the same TV show? Yeah, baby. It's Urkel. You did cool Urkel, but not Stefan Urkel. A different cooler Stefan. Stafane Urquiel. Stafane or Queel Stafane or Queel One, two, three, four Jake and Amir have a show But it's not the one you probably know

They're not the awful people they pretend to be In that one here they're real But it's still a lot of fun, oh All right, ready? I'm going to read it for the first time. You're going to have to listen to it. Sorry. Yeah. Falling asleep instantly.

Reading a graphic novel. All right, ready? Yeah. I am a student who will be going to university in the fall, so I thought I would get a summer job to make some money. Eventually, I found a decent job that pays well, so all seemed to be fine. However, when I first walked from my house to where I was going to be picked up from the job, an aggressive bird swooped down from the trees right outside my house and past my head. I could hear his feathers rustle. He was so close.

And he took two more swoops at me before I finally got out of the area. Needless to say, this malevolent mockingbird scared the shit out of me. The bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me. And stares at me whenever I start. This bird bastard now

sits on a lamppost and stares at me. Whenever I start to leave my house. And tries to attack me almost every single time I walk past him. He only backs off once I start running away. He only backs off once I start running away or swinging at him with whatever I'm holding. This nefarious foul has become a real pain, as I never want to leave my house.

He attacks my friends and family, too. What should I do to get this bastard Bert to leave me alone, so that people won't be afraid to come to my house anymore, so that I can safely get to my summer job. Love number two. Oh my god. I'm crying. It's funny because if birds wanted to, they could just ruin a life.

Like, what would you do if a bird... You would be fucked. If two pigeons decide to ruin your life, they could. No, they couldn't. Yes, they could. I could kill couldn't. Yes, they could. I could kill a pigeon. How? So my fucking, I'll punch it.

If two, fine, if eight pigeons wanted to ruin your life, they could. Punch. You'd what, call the police on pigeons? I would punch all of them. You cannot punch pigeons. If eight pigeons were attacking you. Then I get a BB gun. Whoa.

Come at me, pigeon. Let's see it. How would you get it? This is what the movie Birds is based on. If birds wanted to, they could take over the world. Like, I have nothing around me that would... I guess I could use your baseball bat and just swing wildly

at the bird. We should do a preemptive attack you're actually kind of freaking me out we got to kill all birds actually there's one outside right now give me the bat fuck dude let's fucking play bird baseball kill every bird um and uh oh it's so funny he stares at me when i'm in my house he just fucking waits nefarious foul my friends are afraid to come over it started off by saying like i have a summer job and i don't know how to balance this stuff also a bird attacks me i have a bully that's a that's a that's a crow yeah a winged beast a winged beast bully a beaked bully. I guess there's nothing you can...

I don't know. You can get a... Slingshot. BB gun. Or kill it with kindness. That's right. Take a kind bar and put it in the slingshot. I think...

Or you can get a bird feeder and feed it every day. Just bring little pieces of bread or seeds. Yeah. And then make it your friend. Fiberglass in the seeds. Yeah. No, no, no. That way when it eats it, it just shreds its insides. day just bring a little pieces of bread or seeds yeah and then and then like fiberglass fiberglass in the seeds yeah no no that way when it eats it it just shreds your elementary school and you like pull the girl whose hair pull the girls uh who you have a crush on you pull her hair so this bird's just trying to fuck i think yeah i think he's i think he's just attracted to him yeah i think i think the bird just likes you yeah maybe you look like a bird yourself maybe you have like a beak a

long nose or something. And feathers and wings. Yeah, I started to think this whole email was written by none other than a bird. Did it specify that he was human? It says at the end, P.S. I'm a bird. So yeah, it's just bird on bird bullying. Yeah. We're all, human, humankind

is safe. Um, alright. Next real question Saturday morning I flip through my phone Just to see what's Gucci Tinder's my game I use a fake name Just to get some coochie

Pull up my pants And nice laundry socks And the new me undies I just want a snack From her nature box She's a real life cutie In her profile pics Swipe right, swipe right

Cause I need to know Gotta earn this booty Better make it quick She's a ten cent piece And a goddamn smoke show Won't you tell me what to do? I'm the show if I were you. Maybe I'm a douchebag too.

I'm gonna email him anyway. Hey, it's Emily from the Sex with Emily podcast. My podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve. For over 10 years, I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom. On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more, and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. That's Sex with Emily on Podcast One. That's O-N-E.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.