Segments - 124: Racism

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss our new years resolutions and where to have sex. This episode is brought to you by TheBouqs.com and DraftKings.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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jesus it was your face when you did it Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace so this is our

first episode back after a three-week hiatus we we pressed record as soon as you got in the door so this is us catching up yeah that's nice yeah enjoy this enjoy enjoy when you see a goddamn ten cent piece you must seize that cheese or they'll put you on blast so ditch that prude find yourself a nude you gotta earn that booty so raise up your glass

to if I were you these two hashtag dope guys get swiped right every time Tonight email them in Would be totally a crime But we can't YouTube that shit Or get a handjob on a bus But Jake and Amir will make fun of us

Or tell us to kill ourselves in Starbucks. So, the rules are switched. It is a pitch. Hey, dude. Don't mind if I brew. Nice. Just fucking sit down. hey dude don't mind if i brew nice just fucking sit down just sit down it's already late 10 56 the latest oh no you're spilling

the latest the greatest usually the podcast is already online at this point right yeah and right now it's just in our brains i apologize um what's been gucci how are you i'm good haven't seen you since what december december 11th i believe uh and it's January 5th. I haven't spoken to you. We haven't exchanged a word. Yeah. I texted you December 23rd. I said, hey, happy holidays, bro.

Thinking about you, missing you. Reach out if you need anything. And I didn't. You said nothing. Then. I didn't need anything. Okay. December said nothing. Then... I didn't need anything. Okay. December 25th, I'm just shuffling through my text messages with you now.

Hey, Merry Christmas, bud. I don't necessarily celebrate this holiday, but it would be fun to hear from you. Uh-huh. Nothing. Wow, yeah. It would be fun to hear from you. Like, I didn't feel like it was a... January 1st.

It was an impending sense of... You okay, dude? Texting your brother, your sister, or your mom. They all say you're there, you're happy, and you're healthy. I'm glad to hear it, bud. So you knew. I did, but I had to hear it from them. January 5th.

Are you coming home today? We have to record. And you finally respond, yup. I asked you to pick me up from the airport. You're my boy, right? And you only are nice to me when you need me. If you were really my boy,

you'd pick me up. And then I went to pick you up and you said, hey, getting off the freeway now, didn't actually need the ride. And then I asked you to split the Uber with me. You requested Uber split fares with me

for the entire entire month and i finally split it then i asked you to venmo me the remaining half you said a split is only fair when you're paying for the entire thing which i didn't quite understand so i also had to pay for the split charge right why not just ask me to venmo you the entire it's late let's just what's the podcast about again uh we're not gonna listen to the the theme song together so i wanted to say it was by eric dale you missed it it was good it was a death cap for cutie uh oh come on let me hear i'll play it for you after okay that's fair thanks uh how Thanks. How was your break? It was really nice. Did you have too much family time?

You know, I had not quite enough. Was it split between family and friends? It was split between family and friends. It was really nice. I got to see my loved ones, my brother, my sisters, my mom. Did you meet Dave's girlfriend? Yes, I did. Oh you meet Dave's girlfriend? Yes, I did. Oh, we didn't even?

Oh, yeah. I spent, we spent like two days together over New Year's. And? Dave, I can't tell if Dave has a girlfriend or a puppy. She's that hot. Just the way he treats, i commented on it on the weekend so i'm not talking shit behind his back but i never saw him without both of his hands on her as if he was leading her somewhere it was like a contest where if he let go somebody else got to

have her he was just pulling her everywhere and like pushing her into rooms i also have one really funny picture pushing and pulling her into and out of rooms at one point they were like this was we stayed in a big house with a bunch of people and uh they didn't get a private bedroom so as i was going up to bed on new year's i saw them uh bringing a bunch of blankets and pillows into a pantry and locking the door. And Dave says, we got to have somewhere to fuck. And then she said, sleep. And he said, oh, okay.

For them, it's the same thing. I also have a really funny picture of just the two of them out on a porch. It's like 30 degrees out, so pretty cold. Dave has a blanket over his lap. She's like curled up with a blanket and a jacket looking at him, and he's just cigarette in his mouth, both hands and eyes on his phone. You did send me a photo at one point saying, this is Dave's phone, Mophie, which is an external iPhone charger,

and then he had a Mophie charger. Yeah, he had something called called like a i don't know what it is but it's a mofi like booster so it's a thing that charges your battery for up to like six hours and two minutes or whatever it's like that just this brick of power that you just plug the energy it takes a year to charge it but once you do it it can charge your phone in a second and a half yeah it melts your phone and then and then his phone was also at 19 battery his phone was almost dead he had every single charger like so many extra chargers so many mofies there was also one day where he had all those in his

pockets and then his phone was dead did he were those things drained or does he just not use them they were drained too i guess i don't know if he charges them if he likes carrying them around we made a joke once in our videos that he's you're like i've never seen your phone above seven percent battery which is actually how dave lives his life um oh god oh no oh my god this is all right that's okay well i guess let's actually start the show well we can we can talk about it throughout or you want to just go through the whole thing right now yeah you're right we can we can just get into a question. Interweave it. Yeah.

This is, if I were you, the only advice. Oh, okay. He's back. How are you doing? I,

I, you, you breathed beer. Yeah. When we were talking about this, it sounds like you're getting choked up. Yeah. I just love honest so much.

If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake um we recorded all these podcasts before you left that's how we were able to do that now that you're back we got to really hit the ground running um we get emails from people in sticky situations they need our advice and we do our best to answer it on the show the first question actually i have a good one it sort of reminds it's it's a jumping off point from the story that you said about dave oh perfect uh what do what should we call this person it's a it's a male it's a male i'll just go with uh people who are at our new year's retreat oh that's good uh vinny okay vinny writes

dear jake namir i have a problem my girlfriend and i have nowhere to bone the last few times we've done it in her car but we both want to do it somewhere else both of our parents are home all the time so that eliminates that do you guys have any suggestions of places we can do it and have more space to move around. Sincerely, Vinny. This is a hashtag cool person problem. What do you mean? Because it's like, oh. It's not that cool to live with your parents. Oh, I just assumed they're in high school.

Yeah. Gotcha. I guess if they're over the age of 25, it's less cool. Right, right. But if they're like cool high schoolers and like, we don't know where to fuck. Yeah. That's a cool, like I didn't have that problem. Right right there's something so creepy about you as a 30 year old saying like to a 16 year old this is so cool son fuck your girlfriend son where do high schoolers have sex

they just do it when their parents aren't home or when your parents are home you just like sleep wait sneak into the house yeah you'd sneak into the house? Yeah, you would sneak into the house. Oh, and then you have to be really quiet. Right. Well, like, for instance, I might have had sex in my basement when I was in high school. Right. Which is sort of like, it's removing, it's like you're several floors removed. Yeah, your parents are on the third, oh, I don't know where this guy lives. I lived in a McMansion.

A real McMansion a real mcmansion my parents were on the turret in the fourth floor it was a sears what's it called the kind of houses that were purchased after world war ii from sears catalogs oh the um prefab yeah a prefab yeah but those are like kind of cute and quirky like a prefab bungalow yeah yeah that's yours is a prefab mcmansion mine's a model home yeah your dad pieced together an entire house from an ikea catalog it's mostly a rector uh but yeah you could like you sneak into your basement and have sex so the furthest room from your parents yeah i feel like your parents aren't always home both sets sets, always, all the time. I feel like I have a memory, though I never had sex in high school, of getting a hotel or a cheap hotel. Yeah, people could do that.

I mean, if you're, it'd have to be a really cheap hotel. Because if you're in high school, you might not have a lot of money. I did that to masturbate. So I would check into a Four Seasons. And I would J.O. And then I would take a shower. I can't come unless I'm spending $300 at least on the room.

Not to mention the robe that I would steal. That's why you did it. So you're saying sneak into your parents' house, but do it while they're asleep in a different room. Yeah. I think it is a really unique problem to have. It's so like sad. You want to have. It's so sad. You want to have sex, and you have to do it in a car.

It's interesting that it's a... That's like one novelty place that you want to do it once or something. Right, and then you have to... Not every single time. I want to make love with this girl that I'm seeing. You think if he told her... It's not bad to have sex. It's not like drugs.

I wonder if he can just tell his parents. Yeah, but they might, if you're in high school, they might be like, this is, it's, you're too young. It's too young to have sex. I mean, I don't actually. I wonder what, I think the law is that like, if you're both under 18, then it's. It's fine. I wonder what it is. I think it's different all the time. But for some reason, I thought I remembered that in Connecticut,

it was like legal for two 16-year-olds to have sex. I'm sure I'm wrong. Don't even look it up. I'll just say I'm wrong now. So jokes on you. I don't want to see the fucking Reddit and the tweets and being like, actually, Jake, it's illegal. You're under arrest.

Just relax. I was kidding you wow you've gotten so you're cynical and you're the new year yeah 2015 is off to a rough start i've been called out twice i snorted beer um all right so your advice is to do it in a secret room of your house sneak sneak it i think that's even if it's not it's still not ideal because you want to just be able to like lay down with your girlfriend yeah be loud do like what you you know have the freedom to just really that's why i suggest cheap hotel there's gotta be cheap hotels yeah that's true and you don't care about how shitty hotels are

when you're 17 you have to be like 18 to rent a hotel room? Do you? I don't know. I thought I remembered that. That's another law that you're making up. Well, I definitely remember being afraid to rent a hotel room and like afraid they'd ask for our IDs and stuff. Oh, a hotel. Why would they, why would there be an age minimum to rent a hotel?

Should I even look this up? I guess so. Is this happening? I guess i'm curious while you're at it do the uh under 18 in connecticut thing that one will be a really deep search hotel room age minimum minimum age requirement for renting hotel rooms. Young adults, particularly those 18 to 21, sometimes run into difficulty with traveling. I'd say booking a hotel room may be particularly challenging

since many hotels set a minimum age requirement for guests. Wow. If you are under 18, it's virtually impossible to rent a hotel room in the United States if you're under 18, the legal age of majority in all states. Why is that i don't know but we used i mean there were some hotels in our town that didn't card and then by the time we were seniors there were some of our friends who were 18 and like i guess they just don't want to be responsible because the only thing that would happen in these rooms are things that parents wouldn't allow you to do right yeah that's what

people we would i remember like in high school throwing hotel parties oh yeah did you go to those two no of course not but i'm cool so i go to them now i sort of raid them i will pound on hotel room doors saying you're under arrest even if it's just like a couple fast asleep that's a global thing to do yeah yeah john wall actually reminds me of uh oh you do have a story yeah i was from the new year yeah i heard of an interesting global story jesus over christmas actually like from that happened over christmas yeah this christmas and as i understand previous christmases oh my gosh he'll go to uh this is john wolf aka global he'll go to toys for tots you know that's a good charity they donate really nice they donate toys to children yeah and he'll he'll go as far as to dress up as santa oh my gosh like you know oh

no it brings the joy to the rock and i know no. And I know that you're, yeah, you already hate it because you can see where it's going, maybe. And I don't want to drag it out, so I'll just spit it out. He hands out empty boxes. He hands out empty boxes to these kids. Not even coal, just an empty. When they struggle. And the other thing is he puts the ribbons on really, really well. They'll struggle with the tape and the ribbons for maybe 10 to 20 minutes.

He also, which is also very subtle, has a black beard for Santa. Which is fine, I guess, but also kind of lame. It's just awful. It's just bad. It's just annoying. It's subtle. He shows up with a black beard as Santa. Yeah.

It's like, what are you going to call him out? I guess he should, but maybe not. But he brought presents, so it's a dickling thing to do. To be sure. All right. What else did we miss from each other? Yeah, what was your holiday like? What was Hanukkah?

Hanukkah? Oh, it was just a lot of me with my nieces that was my break yeah yeah yeah I don't want to say their names but yeah yeah I'll bleep that out yeah but yeah I was an uncle I was an uncle to two I was an uncle of myself yeah I was a vuncular this this break and they wear me down did you get them any presents uh i don't think so i hung out with them so often that it seemed like it was a gift to them but i'm sure they didn't imagine it to be that was the point where they annoy you and you're like you guys have to go away yeah yeah of course they're they're like

so cute i'm just like that's that's quite. You want to hug me and hang on to me. And it's very cute. And it's great. You want to hear me talk. Yeah. You laugh at what I say. Yeah. And then you're like, okay, that's enough.

Because I'm looking at my phone. Yeah. Or like I'm watching TV. Or like I want to watch this football game. And then my niece is just like, hey, how come? Like she's basically an alien that's trying to like gain as much information as possible. She's like, how come the lights on cars are red i'm like i guess uh red means stop and brake lights mean stop but not all lights are red sometimes the lights are are white that was her follow-up

question like yeah i guess i don't know what do you want from me shut up i don't know everything. You can't be a dad. I'm just your dad's brother. I was not involved in any decision-making process about bringing you into the world. I shouldn't be here. Yeah, and then she, like, climbs on me and, like, hugs me. I'm like, oh, this is cute, actually. This is a nice thing. I kind of understand why, like, people like dogs. Because they're like children, but they don't get asked. We can get a dog.

No, no, no. We can get a puppy. You like puppies. I didn't say that I liked it. I was saying I was starting to understand. Because then when I said goodbye to them, I'm like, oh, I'm going to miss them. Even though, like, at the end of the day, I was very worn down every day. Right.

You were happy to go to bed. Yeah. But you weren't happy to see them leave. Yeah. I was still sad to see? At the end of the day, I was very worn down every day. Right, you were happy to go to bed. Yeah. But you weren't happy to see them leave. Yeah, I was still sad to see them leave. Kids. Fuck, man. How do they... Great.

Speaking of which, this is a great, great question in relation to this. The subject is, am I racist? Great. Yeah. So, who's another person you spent New Year's with? Is it a boy's name or a girl's name? Boy. Great.

Nick. Nick writes, We all know Tinder is a great app, but I worry it is revealing my inner racism. When I'm swiping, I often find myself very quickly skipping past any girl who is not white. I feel terrible doing this, but there's just something stopping me from finding them attractive. I certainly don't think of myself as a racist at all. So is it racist to only find your own race attractive?

And then just a little thing. Also on a recent podcast, Jake gave the advice of trying to start off a Tinder conversation in Spanish. This is literally the most useful piece of advice you have ever given on your show. Every damn girl responds to Spanish. Ha.

Fuck yeah. I can't believe I'm getting this racist guy matches. We should talk about my billboard too. Oh yeah. Oh shit. There's a lot. There is a lot. Yeah.

This is what going away for a month does. It's almost time for the next Super Bowl. But in the last Super Bowl, we made a bet where if the Seahawks won, you got to design any billboard you want using my image and name. Right. And I had to pay for it. Right. And that happened. The Seahawks didn't.

The Seahawks won by a lot. The Seahawks won by a lot. Yeah. That was funny. That was funny. I also missed that game entirely. Yeah. I won by a lot. Yeah. That was funny. That was funny. I also missed that game entirely. Yeah. I was on a plane and landed and was like, I'll check the score.

Wow. They're up by 80. So the billboard, I put it on my Instagram if you're curious to see it. It's a picture of me. Correct. And then underneath it says my full name. Right. Amir Blumenfeld, 31.

Yep. Which Tinder does not do. to not say your full name. Because Tinder understands the beauty of, you know, keeping things slightly private. And then to the right of my picture is the phrase, hipsters of Los Feliz, which is an area of Los Angeles that we live next to. It's like where actual hipsters do live. It says, hipsters of Los Feliz, swipe me right on Tinder. Right. That's the basic gist.

And then the left side is your image and essentially a screenshot of your Tinder bio. Yeah. Which reads, Amir Blumenfeld, 31. What does it say? Stylish, recognizable actor. Yeah. With athletic build yeah loves parentheses rock climber and then sushi lover funny lonely yeah so it looks like for for real though i completely

forgot that tinder doesn't have your last name yeah that was an actual blunder that was not on purpose but to the untrained eye to people that don't know that this is a joke it's just uh people assume one i either took out a billboard to announce that i live in los feliz that i'm a recognizable actor and that you should swipe me right on tinder uh or two it's like a weird tinder billboard and i'm the spokesperson i'm the model that either way it's pretty weird the way it's like a weird Tinder billboard, and I'm the spokesperson. I'm the model that they chose. Either way, it's pretty weird. Either way, it's bad for me.

Are you embarrassed by it? I will say that I ate lunch next to it. It's right next to a restaurant called Alcove. I guess we could say that. And I felt ashamed to stand on, like, next to the billboard, because what if somebody saw it and saw me? Oh, man, that's so fun. Has anybody commented out of the blue that because what if somebody saw it and saw me oh man that's so fun has anybody commented out of the blue that like they passed it uh well ricky sent us the picture

at first right they saw it but i nobody like no stranger has approached me on the street being like are you the guy from the billboard right but any of our friends have they also seen it i guess they've they've followed if they follow yeah i think they've seen it on instagram are you um what would you have done for me because i've had a lot of people ask me yeah i'm like what would he have done for you and i'm not i i don't know it would be something similar i can't imagine that it'd be yeah it would be something similar i mean yelling at people who live in those fields saying attention hipsters is pretty bad yeah like that's the most embarrassing and the funny thing is that you gave me that line oh yeah you like I when I told you I was thinking of doing a tinder like a tinder billboard you were like hipsters of Los Feliz

put down your pumpkin spice lattes and swipe me right on tinder which I wanted to do but there wasn't enough space yeah it is hard to like because you can't put a lot of information on a billboard. Right, you just have to, it's got to be like mostly graphic. Yeah, graphic. But we should say that Garrett Poteman helped design it. Yeah. The guy that created textjake.com. Correct.

What were we about to say? I was going to say, should we do another, should we do a similar bet for this Super Bowl? It's funny, because when we did the Super Bowl, i know so much more about football and gambling than you so i thought i was sort of taking advantage of you because like denver was favored right and you weren't giving me odds like you you basically should have won 1.4 billboards for every billboard that i bet but you were just like i think seattle will win oh now you're trying to put me on blast. You didn't know. You didn't watch Seahawks games. Yes, I do.

You never not bet on Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson in the backfield. Do you know that they're not in the playoffs this year? Yeah, but that's semantics. They actually are in the playoffs this year. Yeah, but that's semantics is what I'm saying. But yeah, I'm down to do another Super Bowl bet.

Just because it would be funny to one, extend my billboard for another month if I lose. Or maybe you can come up with a new one. And two, I'd like to

try to figure out what I would do for you. Oh, sweet. Yeah, I'm thinking a bench campaign, actually. Oh, bench or bus campaign would be really nice. Which is almost

how this one started. Yeah. We're like, can we have two benches and then some guys like actually we do have a billboard that just opened up uh two miles from where you live yeah that was perfect uh where was this question even oh is this guy racist yes right i think he is well i looked up the definition of racist because i was sort of leaning towards a no, not racist. The way he phrased, I keep on swiping them left. Like, that's pretty racist. Because at first I thought that racism was like, you have to hate or look down on another race. But the definition that he says is, or that is in this sounds like what this guy's going through,

which is a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. There you have it, man. You're racist. But can't I say that like just to play devil, devil's advocate,

if I'm only attracted to females, am I sexist? You literally are playing the devil's advocate right now. Am I sexist for only females? For only liking cream? Am I ageist for only liking young ladies? Just because you have a preference doesn't mean that you're saying that the other ones, like, you're not, like, like, if you were, if this guy had a friend that was dating a minority and he was, like, completely fine with that, isn't that less racist? Right. I guess.

Like, he's not thinking, like, oh, I can't believe anybody would date an Asian woman. Right. He's just like, oh, I'm not attracted to Asian women. I don't find a single person that's not white attractive and i i guess i would buy like if he's been on tinder swiping and he's like only swiping people he's attracted to to the right yeah maybe he hasn't matched with um somebody of another race yet but he's like he shouldn't be like discounting them entirely like i'm not attracted to black people i'm not attracted to asian people but what if what if you're white and you only uh are attracted to asian women and you only swipe asian

women right is that also racist i don't know probably what i'm saying is that at the very least this guy is not extremely racist not extremely racist but i think he should give other i don't know he should give other races a shot it's i'll say maybe it's not racist but it's definitely weird i don't like it i'm not a fan of it i'm not a fan of it and i think he should i think i need to go on record right now and i i don't know about you but i think racism is wrong i know you haven't said it yet but i do i totally don't like it. I feel like you're putting me on a passive blast. A plast. You're plasting me.

Passist. A pacifist, plasticist, and a narcissist. Wow. But if racism is a spectrum, I feel like this guy is a low-functioning racist. Right, right. He's not a threat. Yeah. Because he's just like, he's swiping in his racism. Yeah. He's not a threat yeah because he's just like he's a he's swiping in

his racism yeah he's not you know it's the least he could hate it's the least he could hate uh so give other give other flavors a shot yeah just just blindly swipe some right and see if you connect with them on on a um on a level on a on a um on a um non-light level yeah yeah yeah are you attracted to any specific race over the other oh what lights yeah for sure all right next question uh i'm attracted to everybody really doesn't matter i guess if you weren't you couldn't really say so anyway right but have you ever seen me not hook up with somebody? No, that's true. You're right.

There was that Polynesian girl that... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hate people from... She was French Polynesian. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, from Easter Island, I think. She had a giant stone head.

Is that French Polynesians there? If only we were smarter. Yeah. Ooh. Shit, how are we doing on time? We should take a break right now. Thank one more sponsor. Football related.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Hey, who'd you kiss on new year's uh i never

i didn't uh did you kiss did you have a kiss uh at midnight i didn't kiss anybody it was very funny we were at home and we sort of missed it like somebody checked their phone like oh it was it's after midnight really yeah wow did you did you have a kiss a a New Year's kiss? Yeah, I had several New Year's kisses, actually. And in terms of? The midnight one? Yeah. It was Vinny. He was also the 1215, the 1245.

And I think we Frenched it, too. At 3.15 a.m., we were outside jerking each other off. And I said, hey, it's sort of like the L.A. New Year's. Let's try to nut at one. You did the math wrong. Oh, Vinny! Do you have a New Year's resolution? Yeah, to get shredded.

That is your everyday resolution. Yeah, but I'm making my legit New Year's goal. What were your holidays? Did you have a fat three weeks? I was really on and off. I would go two or three days where I was just eating nice, good, good,

normal, went climbing a couple of times. And then there were some nights cause like I would, there were a couple of nights where I raged and then the morning I would be hung over and then I would like wait till midday to eat. And then I would eat a sandwich and Annie's macaroni. Yeah. Yeah.

And just like, Oh, I'm hung over. My body craves this. I just want to give my body the oils that it craves. Yeah. And that would be bad. So I was like sort of at stasis. Though on the plane just now, I ate an enormous sandwich

and legit two bags of chips. Yeah. So like, bam. Bam. Diet starts tomorrow for real. Does it? I don't want to get shredded. Are you going to do anything differently?

Tomorrow I'm going to not get a croissant at breakfast. And I'm going to go work out in the evening. Oh. I've actually been climbing. I took my nieces climbing a bunch. Did you? At LAB? Yeah.

No shit. They were good. Oh yeah, your brother got climbing a bunch. Did you? LAB? Yeah. No shit. They were good. Oh, yeah. Your brother got you a new climbing shoe for Hanukkah. Yeah. That's really nice. That was good. So what are you climbing now?

V3? V4? No, not a V4. I've yet to do a V4. V3s. But we were doing, yeah, I was doing some V3s. All right. Feeling strong.

Feeling confident on the wall. No shit. Yeah. Well, it's been a year. I have to like step it up let's go tomorrow uh i actually quit what yeah my nieces called me a dweeb and a turd and i told them to fuck off but turns out i took it to heart i got to the top and they dared me to cannonball off the wall i did and i missed the padding i missed the crash pad the entire ground is crashed i know but

what i did was somebody i guess shoved me they reverse spotted me so instead of making sure i landed right you off the pad they pushed me they shoved me yeah they must hate you so much they must have really tried to plan that and it worked to such perfection that i don't think i'm allowed back insane it was it was a lame lame 14 minutes my shins killed out cold i actually have a new year's resolution what is it it's to check social media less wow that's a really good one yeah and how is that going so far so far so good i've been checking Instagram once a day at night. Really? Yeah.

And it's great because it's like, oh, I have all these photos to look through. That is nice. And I'm like, okay, that's it. I just did in 30 seconds what I've been opening my phone for a lot all day. Right. And so what do you do during the day now? So this is the problem. When I'm still, because, because you know it's only day three

so i still instinctively instinctively like when i'm bored open my phone but uh now like my is still not productive so like i'm still chewing the like i'm basically i'm basically replacing it by like looking at like our subreddit or nba subreddit so like i'm still wasting my time you're wasting time on the internet but you're not looking at instagram right twitter so my next our subreddit or NBA subreddit. So like I'm still wasting my time. You're wasting time on the internet, but you're not looking at Instagram and Twitter. So my next, yeah,

my next step would be like, okay, let's replace NBA stories with like news stories. Right. So I can't quit cold Turkey. Yeah. I can't just not look at my phone. But hopefully soon you'll be looking at like New York times articles on. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And Facebook, I would just, I'm trying to wean myself off of entirely. Yeah. soon you'll be looking at like new york times articles on yeah yeah yeah that's nice and facebook i'm just i'm trying to wean myself off of entirely yeah like i checked it today once wow yeah because i realized facebook is for only the only people facebook uh keeps me posted about are people that post a lot on facebook and those are the people i care about the least right yeah because those are the people that I don't, I don't really care about.

Yeah. It's like somebody from my high school that I don't talk to anymore. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I'm a slave to it. It draws me in. And then I'm learning about a girl that I haven't spoken to in 17 years.

Yeah. How dare they? How do they do it? It's like a girl I haven't spoken to since high school who has three children who i don't relate to on any level she posts complaining about the kids you know so much about her life too much if she had any idea how much i read her status yeah she'd be floored because i'm a celeb and she's a nobody. She'd be so happy that someone's out there looking. Oh, that would be another good bet is I get to run your Facebook account for a day.

That's horrifying. It's more privately shameful because it would just be broadcasting to your friends and family. You know what I think would be... But I wouldn't do a bet that gave you carte blanche access. I would never. So here's, this is, I think this is the bet where we each write five different comments

and it doesn't matter what, like five different comments. Oh, on other people's posts. But like literally you see the comments, right? I'll show them to you because it doesn't matter what the actual post is it has to be facebook or instagram or i think it should be instagram because that's probably the that's maybe the most prevalent yeah i would say so yeah and so as just like scrolling through your feed i get to choose which photos get the comment oh so you can

like so like so you'd go straight to ex-girlfriend and then you would just riff on that and i and i could veto how many of the five i guess you'd have to veto none oh so what's the point of me seeing the comment like why don't why do i have to accept the bet oh wait so you are giving me carte blanche access i can write any five comments i want well yeah all right yeah maybe that's what it should that's probably better so it's any five comments you want but i mean like that you can't just be like going and racist yeah no slurs it has to be intelligent yeah it has to well you would do it so that it would look like real which is kind of like the billboard like the billboard was not like my friend thought it would be like oh i have explosive diarrhea right right like which is obviously fake you would do like something like very subtle a global john wolf-esque thing to do he's an inspiration to us all it really is in a weird fucked up way didn't you come up with like

some instagram thing where like would you just scroll to like the fifth post down and like who gives a shit what maybe or maybe it was ricky that came up with it but i for some reason i thought it was like your why the fifth pose down and not i guess just because like it's more it's like more it makes it more of a game i think it was ricky that i heard it from so if you lose i can open your thing you go to the two three four you just hope to god it's a public page it's our friend sheila oh and you would write who gives a shit a selfie oh that would be a bad one i think right and i would you write who gives a shit that would be she would see that and it would be me well the next layer to the bet would

be can i uh then tell her it was a bet right never right never. Right. But I wouldn't trust, I'm sure one day you would. I guess one day you could. I could one day, but 24 hours I have to go by where she has to think that that's real. 24 hours, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called the 24-hour five-picture down who gives a shit bet. But it can't be who gives a shit because I don't think that's ours. It's Ricky or Ricky's friend. All right, how about this?

Let's do six pictures down just so he doesn't fucking sue us yep and the comment is um dot dot dot okay question mark that way why'd you post this that way it just sort of makes them feel bad you know global jumps the subway turnstiles on the way out on the way out yeah so it's like he's sneaking out it just puts people on a weird high alert i fucking hate that it means nothing i guess maybe they're counting like in some weird census way maybe they're not he wants to fuck with somebody somehow it just makes people feel like what's going on right and that's he's an agent of chaos absolutely on a very small level uh shit all right we have time for one more question and then we have to record ads and i have to post this episode because there are people in england right now wondering what the fuck they're awake it's it's 9 a.m over there and they don't know they don't know what what's going on uh what's a good last

one oh fuck these are good all right all right all right here we go one last one let's do it it's from a girl were you with a girl on new year's or were you just kissing boys i was mostly kissing boys but let's call this one sarah sarah writes hey guys i'm in a long distance relationship with a military guy who is stationed on the other side of the country and we've been doing this for a while and love each other quite a bit we can see each other every once in a few months and for about two weeks at a time with that kind of distance no amount of skype calls can really fill the loneliness. So recently I suggested the idea of polyamory, that in the downtime between us being able to see each other, we would be free to date other people. He has been the side piece to couples in the past, so it wasn't completely unfamiliar territory.

And a couple of days later, we were working out the finer points and agreeing to the idea. Now to my question. I've signed up for Tinder, and I am swiping left and right on quite a few dudes. Part of the agreement with my boyfriend is that we make sure that our side pieces know about us, so at what point should I tell my Tinder dudes about them? It feels weird saying it through text, so I've been waiting up until I meet someone in person to bring it up. Yeah.

If you were going to meet up with a girl you met through Tinder, how would you react to knowing that she was in an open relationship? At what point would you want to know? Thanks, Sarah. So this girl is in a relationship with a military dude. She can bone other guys, but she has to tell the guys that she has a military dude and that she's in an open relationship.

At what point should she tell them? I'd want to know before the date because I would want the opportunity to not be involved at all. But what if it was an attractive girl and she's like, Military scares me off a little bit i would like the opportunity to kick this guy's ass he punched me through skype you fucking seal team six motherfucker you're just gonna headlock oh. So what's your advice? Because I might be different. I think she should tell him before they meet up.

I wait till you're setting the terms for the date, saying, let's go here, let's go to this spot. Oh, and just to get this out of the way, before we meet up. I'm in an open relationship. I'm in an open relationship. If that doesn't weird you out, then let's meet up. If it does, I get it. I don't care. I'll find somebody else who doesn't give a fuck.

I don't think any guy would give a fuck. I think most guys don't care. Like, most guys just want to have sex. And so they're like, this is what they would hear. I can still have sex with you, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, all right, well, I don't know what you said after i can still have sex with you i understand what you're saying and i agree to an extent but it's just that this guy's in the military and i think a lot of the time what i hear when i hear like i'm in an open relationship with my boyfriend is like

me and my boyfriend have shit we're not telling each other it is complicated it is complex people are gonna get angry and hurt and scared and sad and do you want to be involved with that and i think i'd rather know before the date so i don't show up because if i show up then i will fuck fuck her. It's too late. The wheels are already in motion. I'm already half of a beard deep. Yeah. No, emotions will become turmoiled. So if you matched with a hottie on Tinder and she said that to you, would you say, no, thank you.

I don't want to meet up. How hot is she? She was like a legit three. Fuck. Now I'm too deep. Fuck. Now I'm too... Oh, now I'm hard. All right. Christ, I'm coming.

No, just like a very attractive girl. Very attractive girl. And she has a military boyfriend. It's different for me because like... I could take the dude. I don't know if you heard my New Year's resolution, but I'm actually not going to eat a croissant tomorrow. Which I think was the one thing weighing me down.

Did you see American Sniper? Yes, I did. Did you love it? I despised it. Really? I hated it, yeah. Interesting. Did you like it?

I liked it, but I thought you'd love it. Interesting. You love Koops. I doised it. Really? I hated it, yeah. Interesting. Did you like it? I liked it, but I thought you'd love it. Interesting. You love Koops. I do love, I mean, he was incredible in it. He was incredible. I love Koops. I love, I love Soldiers. I just felt like it was, well, I don't want to start talking, like this is a movie podcast.

Yeah. It's a movie review. I just, it was, it was just, to me, it was repetitive it was repetitive yeah i mean it was the same movie four times in a row yeah then you thought like the first 20 minutes was a little too heavy-handed oh yeah definitely yeah these are the sheep dog yeah fuck off clinton eastwood you're not a sheep dog you know what else is a weird thing about snipers doesn't it seem like anybody can do that i know it's probably hard but in the movies it's just like put the face on the crosshairs and that's what being a sniper is

right right i but like have you ever tried to shoot something no definitely not this comes from a place of 100 i've only ever tried to shoot bb guns yeah but it's really tough i feel it's harder with a handgun because then you're just like, I don't know, I have to aim by closing one eye like I'm playing Duck Hunt. But the eyesight isn't like a magic thing that just works and gets your shot.

Oh, it isn't? It's not like if the X is on the face, then he's dead if I press the button. You have to keep your... I mean, I don't actually know either. But you have to like... You have a steady hand. Yeah, you have to...

You have the face like on that x yeah and then the person press the button press the button that kills for a second this is you this is you as a sergeant so if the guy moves you miss uh make sure the face is on the x part so i have to go call my girlfriend cooper's like yeah oh yeah that's it like you could just call his girlfriend at the drop of a hat yeah while he's working while he's killing people just like on his cell phone with his hey baby yeah you can talk me off hold on let me put the face on the X and ready. And then the most interesting part of the story happens in the epilogue. Yeah, well, let's not.

Come on. Let's not spoil this. No spoilers. Yeah. So tell me before. If you follow the news, you should know the end of the movie. You're mad at me. It's not as, it's a spoiler if the Titanic sank, right?

No, that's a bigger deal than what happened. Or it was more newsworthy, I should say. Cheers and hurrah. Hurrah. Hurrah. So tell before the date? I mean, you're kind of right. I think I would probably still go on the date.

And I think most guys will still go on the date so you might as well tell them early you might as well tell them early I don't think you're going to scare anybody off but I think at the very least it's going to make the date itself better that they go into it feeling less pressure and you don't have to like

bring up this weird thing on the date yeah have you ever heard the word side piece? I've heard it, but not from a young person in this country. I've heard it, but only in chess. Yeah. You sound like an aunt in this. You're an aunt.

The biggest insult of all. You sound like a goddamn aunt. I swear, you don't sound like my mom. You sound like her brother's wife. a goddamn aunt. I swear, you don't sound like my mom. You sound like her brother's wife. You fucking aunt. You're an aunt for that. All right, let's stop.

Let's get this episode online. We'll be back Thursday this week. We've got a whole lot of making up to do. But if you have your own questions, your own theme songs, please send it to ifireadyoushow at gmail.com. Yeah, that's it. Oh, the opening theme song was from Eric Dale dale and this last one was from someone a french canadian i think or just a canadian name laurent sounds french to me yeah laurent sparks welcome back happy 2015 let's talk

about real shit after this ready for me i'm gonna stop it so So what happened that night? Shit, hold on. I'm still recording. It's time for a new show with Jake and Amir where they will tell you what to do if they were you. So listen up to this here Jew and the puby beard guy too as they tell you what to do if I were you show.

Hey there, it's 2015, and Podcast One is celebrating all month long by launching a boatload of exciting new shows. First, the king of all podcasts, Adam Carolla joins forces with iconoclastic comic legend Dennis Miller for a weekly Adam and Dennis show. If you're asking me whose voice most closely mirrors what's in my head, it's this cat. Great guests, great topics, and new listeners always welcome. We're also teaming up with the geniuses who created thechive.com. If it's funny, it's hot, and it's trending, they're on it.

Yes, sir! And if you're into celebrity gossip, news, rumors, and interviews, you won't want to miss Hollywood Life with Bonnie Fuller. Hi, Hollywood Lifers. Finally, straight from the Garden State, Vinny from the Jersey Shore will be dishing pop culture memes with all his famous friends.

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